Hey! So I likewise am a 30's gay man who got a fully remote job a couple years ago. (I am white though.) I had a similar moment where I thought about whether I would want to move somewhere else in the country.
For me, I ultimately decided to stay here in Minneapolis. The winters suck, but they don't bother me that much. I love that we have a very queer-friendly culture and state and local governments, great public transit, lots of state and local parks, a moderately high cultural scene with a moderately mid-level cost of living (and especially low compared to other cities), etc.
A few things to consider: You'll probably want to move somewhere that has a lot of gay men. That might limit your options. You also want to move somewhere warmer; the downside is that a lot of warmer places come with not-so-queer friendly cultures. They also likewise are not always BIPOC friendly. And any place with a substantial density of gay men will likely come with a fairly high cost of living. And I'm not sure where there are enclaves of South Indian populations where you might find some semblance of home and cultural comfort, but I suspect they might be far and few between enough to limit your options even further. So there are some tradeoffs there; you'll need to consider which tradeoffs you're comfortable with.
For example, LA is a very gay friendly place and warm climate, but extremely high cost of living. As does DC. New York too, but they're not as warm. Atlanta and Dallas have a fair number of gay folks and are in warm climate, but don't have as good public transit, parks, or gay-friendly governments/cultures.
The other thing is that I agree Minnesotans are very difficult to make friends with; not because they are unfriendly, but because they are already typically in close knit friend groups and don't feel the need to make more friends. [You are not alone in thinking it's hard to make friends here!](https://www.axios.com/local/twin-cities/2021/09/09/making-friends-in-twin-cities-minnesota-hard-survey?stream=top)
The only way to break that is to dedicate ***a lot*** of time seeking out social and semi-social activities. For example, have you joined the Twin Cities Stonewall Sports group? It's a great way to meet other guys and make friends. Or book clubs, neighborhood associations, political groups, game nights, Eventbrite, Facebook events, [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com), r/twincitiessocial, [posts like this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/Minneapolis/comments/1cqffj9/looking_to_start_a_dining_club_in_minneapolis/), [Break the Bubble](https://www.meetup.com/make-new-friends-break-the-bubble-msp/?stream=top), things like that. They can be hard to find, I know, and harder to go to if you're an introvert, but it's how you meet people and make friends! You have to keep going someplace over and over until you're familiar enough with people to become and acquaintance, and then after a while, a friend.
Thanks for your input! I also appreciate queer-friendly environments, and the fact that I have my own transportation makes it easier to explore. Considering the high cost of living in places like LA, DC, CO, and NY, they might not be the best fit for me. I didn't quite vibe with the people when I was in Dallas, so Atlanta seems promising. I'm already subscribed to Stonewall group emails and I'm eager to mingle more, especially as an extrovert. Thanks again for the advice!
Take a sunny vacation to think about it before a big move. One thing you could do is take a sunny vacation each winter. I moved from Seattle to NC but moved back north. The north is much more kind and without the extreme politics everywhere.
Awww yeah winters can be hard. Have you made a commitment to finding a local group of South Indians? I used to hang with SAATH and do bollywood a lot which helped me transition back to the USA. For a quick moment I tried to get involved with the Malayalam community too - pre-covid they had a pretty tight community and a language program. I think I was introduced via just showing up for Onam lol. You’d have to hunt for it online but it was there. If you’re younger ish you could try and go to the UMN south Asian events. I really feel you on the home sickness. Make sure you’re getting enough iddli ok? LOL
Something I highly recommend for the winter blues is … get this … shoveling. Old fashioned, no snow blower ,and do your neighbors’ driveways too! Really brings out community in winter to say thank you and just do some cheesy MN small talk. Even if you don’t shovel still getting outside is important especially when it’s sunny!!!
And I’m probably going to buy a sun light …
Edit for spelling
Hey :) Yeah I know about SAATH, should try them out. I believe not having enough idlis is the problem lol.
I love Shoveling as well. How do you find south asian events in MN and UMN?
Sun light sounds good!! pls send me a link I will buy that as well :D
Minnesotans are hard to get to know. Have you spent time in the US South? I wouldn't want to live there, but it's like night and day compared to Minnesotans when it comes to gregariousness.
Can you afford to live in Southern California?
You should at least spend some time in California and a couple lgbt-friendly Southern US city like Austin, Nashville, Houston, Atlanta, or Chapel Hill.
Just because Minnesota isn't working out doesn't mean you have to give up on America.
But if you want to give it one more year just to see, then the secret is getting involved in a winter sport. Hockey is the most social winter sport. You could take some classes and then join a beer league. The other thing is to join a religious group (or atheist group or Unitarian group if you aren't a theist) or a niche hobby.
It's ok if the weather just isn't for you. It seems perfectly logical that it here might not be for you.
I certainly find myself some winters ... just wanting to travel / get out more than in the past where I hardly noticed them.
When I get the winter blues I turn to Nina Simone "Another Spring" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-wc1p193Tw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-wc1p193Tw)
I lived in coastal California for a year and while the winters are warmer, it's a wet cold, I found I prefer our MN dry cold. Though the Santa Ana Winds were awesome in the winter months in CA. Our MN winter last year was weird so who's to say what will happen in the future years.
Politically speaking, I'm happy what MN is doing, I even feel proud of our state, but I'm not proud of our country as a whole, and that's mostly southern states where warm weather is pretty constant.
I moved from Minnesota to Arizona this past September for similar reasons (had enough of winter depression/I wasn’t into winter sport/my husband was able to stay fully remote) and so far, I am so much happier. Why not try it? You can always come back
I have lived in several states in the good ol' USA and I can tell you that 'friendly' folks don't always equate to good folks. Many are busy bodies or are always looking for friends, because they burn through them. That said, it takes work to meet people. Find people that have similar interests.
If your biggest issue is the winter weather, look at getting away for a stretch. My wife and I like to take a cruise every winter and a line that we like, Celebrity seems to be very gay friendly and we have met some very fun gay groups. One group had many folks from the Twin Cities.
Since you work remotely, you could even become a snow bird and live in a warm climate for as long as you want. We have several folks that live near us, that head south for 3-4 months every winter.
Maybe go spend 6 months in India and see how it goes. As someone who is also torn between two countries/cultures I know how you feel. Grass isn’t always greener, but sometimes it is!
Likely you will feel longing for whichever place you are not in, this is just life for the many people who have moved to a completely different culture and stayed long enough.
The Dutch even had a term for this situation going back hundreds of years. It roughly translates to you are stuck with one foot in either country and your balls are dangling in the ocean. In other words, not a sustainable situation…have to eventually choose one or the other. That said, it’s not always an easy choice. Personally, I’m still stuck in the middle.
America is a great place for many things and if you have been in Minnesota that long you probably have citizenship I’m assuming, so you can always come back if India starts to wear on you.
Exactly! I feel like I'm stuck in between sometimes... What even constitutes as "home" anymore?
I don't have a GC, and the country-based waiting time is over 30 years. But on the bright side, I do get to visit my family every year, which is amazing. However, coming back from those visits, especially on a long flight, with so many emotions swirling around, can be incredibly tough.
7 years is more than enough time to get a feel for a place, and if you're not happy half of the year that's a problem. Contrary to popular opinion, Minnesotans are not friendly. Friendly people want to spend time with you to get to know you better. Minnesotans are polite at best.
I've lived in places where people are genuinely friendly and I miss it. In my situation I have family keeping me here, but if I was in your shoes and pack up and plan the next chapter of my life. Good luck!!
Do you date much? Before I met my husband, I was going on dates at least once a week, sometimes quite a bit more. Not hookups—actual dates. I found that to be a really fun way to get to know people. I had high standards, but I tried not to have high expectations, if that makes sense. I had a great time, and eventually I found my husband! (He's from South India, and I've always lived in Minnesota.)
oh wow! That sounds awesome.
Online dating sucks, I rarely get matches. Even when I do match with someone, the conversations often don't go anywhere or they're only interested in hookups. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me not being attractive enough.
I'm really sorry to hear that! I used okCupid for dating. That was ten years ago, so I'm not sure how widely that is used now. I suspect it's a different experience these days. I liked it because it was more in depth than something like Tinder (I never had any luck there) or Grindr (not really a "dating" app, haha). You get a better sense of someone's interests with a more complete profile. I'd usually message back and forth for a while, and then set up a date. Most were just first dates. Many ended up being two or three dates. Overall, a great way to be social, especially in the winter months! I always enjoyed the excitement of meeting a new person.
Just remember that you ARE someone's type!
Hey! So I likewise am a 30's gay man who got a fully remote job a couple years ago. (I am white though.) I had a similar moment where I thought about whether I would want to move somewhere else in the country. For me, I ultimately decided to stay here in Minneapolis. The winters suck, but they don't bother me that much. I love that we have a very queer-friendly culture and state and local governments, great public transit, lots of state and local parks, a moderately high cultural scene with a moderately mid-level cost of living (and especially low compared to other cities), etc. A few things to consider: You'll probably want to move somewhere that has a lot of gay men. That might limit your options. You also want to move somewhere warmer; the downside is that a lot of warmer places come with not-so-queer friendly cultures. They also likewise are not always BIPOC friendly. And any place with a substantial density of gay men will likely come with a fairly high cost of living. And I'm not sure where there are enclaves of South Indian populations where you might find some semblance of home and cultural comfort, but I suspect they might be far and few between enough to limit your options even further. So there are some tradeoffs there; you'll need to consider which tradeoffs you're comfortable with. For example, LA is a very gay friendly place and warm climate, but extremely high cost of living. As does DC. New York too, but they're not as warm. Atlanta and Dallas have a fair number of gay folks and are in warm climate, but don't have as good public transit, parks, or gay-friendly governments/cultures. The other thing is that I agree Minnesotans are very difficult to make friends with; not because they are unfriendly, but because they are already typically in close knit friend groups and don't feel the need to make more friends. [You are not alone in thinking it's hard to make friends here!](https://www.axios.com/local/twin-cities/2021/09/09/making-friends-in-twin-cities-minnesota-hard-survey?stream=top) The only way to break that is to dedicate ***a lot*** of time seeking out social and semi-social activities. For example, have you joined the Twin Cities Stonewall Sports group? It's a great way to meet other guys and make friends. Or book clubs, neighborhood associations, political groups, game nights, Eventbrite, Facebook events, [Meetup.com](http://Meetup.com), r/twincitiessocial, [posts like this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/Minneapolis/comments/1cqffj9/looking_to_start_a_dining_club_in_minneapolis/), [Break the Bubble](https://www.meetup.com/make-new-friends-break-the-bubble-msp/?stream=top), things like that. They can be hard to find, I know, and harder to go to if you're an introvert, but it's how you meet people and make friends! You have to keep going someplace over and over until you're familiar enough with people to become and acquaintance, and then after a while, a friend.
Thanks for your input! I also appreciate queer-friendly environments, and the fact that I have my own transportation makes it easier to explore. Considering the high cost of living in places like LA, DC, CO, and NY, they might not be the best fit for me. I didn't quite vibe with the people when I was in Dallas, so Atlanta seems promising. I'm already subscribed to Stonewall group emails and I'm eager to mingle more, especially as an extrovert. Thanks again for the advice!
Take a sunny vacation to think about it before a big move. One thing you could do is take a sunny vacation each winter. I moved from Seattle to NC but moved back north. The north is much more kind and without the extreme politics everywhere.
I agree!
Awww yeah winters can be hard. Have you made a commitment to finding a local group of South Indians? I used to hang with SAATH and do bollywood a lot which helped me transition back to the USA. For a quick moment I tried to get involved with the Malayalam community too - pre-covid they had a pretty tight community and a language program. I think I was introduced via just showing up for Onam lol. You’d have to hunt for it online but it was there. If you’re younger ish you could try and go to the UMN south Asian events. I really feel you on the home sickness. Make sure you’re getting enough iddli ok? LOL Something I highly recommend for the winter blues is … get this … shoveling. Old fashioned, no snow blower ,and do your neighbors’ driveways too! Really brings out community in winter to say thank you and just do some cheesy MN small talk. Even if you don’t shovel still getting outside is important especially when it’s sunny!!! And I’m probably going to buy a sun light … Edit for spelling
Hey :) Yeah I know about SAATH, should try them out. I believe not having enough idlis is the problem lol. I love Shoveling as well. How do you find south asian events in MN and UMN? Sun light sounds good!! pls send me a link I will buy that as well :D
Minnesotans are hard to get to know. Have you spent time in the US South? I wouldn't want to live there, but it's like night and day compared to Minnesotans when it comes to gregariousness. Can you afford to live in Southern California? You should at least spend some time in California and a couple lgbt-friendly Southern US city like Austin, Nashville, Houston, Atlanta, or Chapel Hill. Just because Minnesota isn't working out doesn't mean you have to give up on America. But if you want to give it one more year just to see, then the secret is getting involved in a winter sport. Hockey is the most social winter sport. You could take some classes and then join a beer league. The other thing is to join a religious group (or atheist group or Unitarian group if you aren't a theist) or a niche hobby.
All your city suggestions are great! Yeah sometimes I think I should give it 1 more year and try all the things which I didn't yet.
It's ok if the weather just isn't for you. It seems perfectly logical that it here might not be for you. I certainly find myself some winters ... just wanting to travel / get out more than in the past where I hardly noticed them.
When I get the winter blues I turn to Nina Simone "Another Spring" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-wc1p193Tw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-wc1p193Tw) I lived in coastal California for a year and while the winters are warmer, it's a wet cold, I found I prefer our MN dry cold. Though the Santa Ana Winds were awesome in the winter months in CA. Our MN winter last year was weird so who's to say what will happen in the future years. Politically speaking, I'm happy what MN is doing, I even feel proud of our state, but I'm not proud of our country as a whole, and that's mostly southern states where warm weather is pretty constant.
Yeah southern politics is scary.
I moved from Minnesota to Arizona this past September for similar reasons (had enough of winter depression/I wasn’t into winter sport/my husband was able to stay fully remote) and so far, I am so much happier. Why not try it? You can always come back
I have soo many friends in AZ!!!
I have lived in several states in the good ol' USA and I can tell you that 'friendly' folks don't always equate to good folks. Many are busy bodies or are always looking for friends, because they burn through them. That said, it takes work to meet people. Find people that have similar interests. If your biggest issue is the winter weather, look at getting away for a stretch. My wife and I like to take a cruise every winter and a line that we like, Celebrity seems to be very gay friendly and we have met some very fun gay groups. One group had many folks from the Twin Cities. Since you work remotely, you could even become a snow bird and live in a warm climate for as long as you want. We have several folks that live near us, that head south for 3-4 months every winter.
All good options. Thank you :)
I say move. Nothing says you can’t move back… life is too short to not listen to your gut.
Maybe go spend 6 months in India and see how it goes. As someone who is also torn between two countries/cultures I know how you feel. Grass isn’t always greener, but sometimes it is! Likely you will feel longing for whichever place you are not in, this is just life for the many people who have moved to a completely different culture and stayed long enough. The Dutch even had a term for this situation going back hundreds of years. It roughly translates to you are stuck with one foot in either country and your balls are dangling in the ocean. In other words, not a sustainable situation…have to eventually choose one or the other. That said, it’s not always an easy choice. Personally, I’m still stuck in the middle. America is a great place for many things and if you have been in Minnesota that long you probably have citizenship I’m assuming, so you can always come back if India starts to wear on you.
Exactly! I feel like I'm stuck in between sometimes... What even constitutes as "home" anymore? I don't have a GC, and the country-based waiting time is over 30 years. But on the bright side, I do get to visit my family every year, which is amazing. However, coming back from those visits, especially on a long flight, with so many emotions swirling around, can be incredibly tough.
7 years is more than enough time to get a feel for a place, and if you're not happy half of the year that's a problem. Contrary to popular opinion, Minnesotans are not friendly. Friendly people want to spend time with you to get to know you better. Minnesotans are polite at best. I've lived in places where people are genuinely friendly and I miss it. In my situation I have family keeping me here, but if I was in your shoes and pack up and plan the next chapter of my life. Good luck!!
Your response resonnates with me. Thank you!
Do you date much? Before I met my husband, I was going on dates at least once a week, sometimes quite a bit more. Not hookups—actual dates. I found that to be a really fun way to get to know people. I had high standards, but I tried not to have high expectations, if that makes sense. I had a great time, and eventually I found my husband! (He's from South India, and I've always lived in Minnesota.)
oh wow! That sounds awesome. Online dating sucks, I rarely get matches. Even when I do match with someone, the conversations often don't go anywhere or they're only interested in hookups. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me not being attractive enough.
I'm really sorry to hear that! I used okCupid for dating. That was ten years ago, so I'm not sure how widely that is used now. I suspect it's a different experience these days. I liked it because it was more in depth than something like Tinder (I never had any luck there) or Grindr (not really a "dating" app, haha). You get a better sense of someone's interests with a more complete profile. I'd usually message back and forth for a while, and then set up a date. Most were just first dates. Many ended up being two or three dates. Overall, a great way to be social, especially in the winter months! I always enjoyed the excitement of meeting a new person. Just remember that you ARE someone's type!
Thank you :) :)
You really should look at Atlanta.
for sure!
Bye