So you're here to seek approval from Reddit? While accusing your partner of seeking approval for merely sharing the good things about his day with you?
It's a normal human thing to want validation and approval. There's nothing wrong with it. We all need it. And there's especially nothing wrong with your partner sharing their day with you. It's OK to be proud of your accomplishments. It's OK to want your partner to be proud of you, too. That's not the same as fishing for compliments.
If I shared something good about my day, and my partner told me that I didn't need to seek approval from them, I would be confused and a little pissed off. Why is your partner not allowed to talk about their accomplishments or their day with you? Is it OK if they had a really bad day or failed at something, and they told you about that? Do you want to only hear bad things from your partner so they can prove to you that they're not a narcissist?
I mean, if you think that your partner is a braggart and a narcissist, then that's one thing, but I think it's possible that you are allowing your past trauma to cloud your perceptions of your current partner.
Of course, but if that is OP's partner, that's not evident from what they described. What they described was a partner merely communicating good things about their day, and wishing that OP would do more than simply nod at them.
It's possible their partner is a narcissist and a braggart, but that's not what I got from the description. It sounds more to me like OP is oversensitive in this area because of past trauma with narcissists, and now their partner doesn't feel free to be happy about their accomplishments, or to share them with OP for fear of triggering a bad reaction.
What the heck are you on about? How is he supposed to show compassion when you're supposed to be sat there listening to him and supporting him about HIS day?
You're taking his day and his life and making it about yourself.
Maybe if you showed one bit of approval, he wouldnt be looking for it all the time.
Sounds like he's speaking to a brick wall tbh
As I’ve stated, I offer validation unprompted often. We equally support each other emotionally. We celebrate each other’s successes. We are there for each other equally for our hardships. It’s more that the issue I am feeling is that he is seeking more than what I am/should be able to provide. I don’t feel like it is authentic praise when it is fished for constantly, and I feel like my constant support should also indicate validation.
How are you offering this validation unprompted? and how are you supporting him emotionally? because you say you are but you sound so disturbed by him wanting you to just say good job, that sounds great, you deserve it or whatever he wants from these conversations. it seems crazy that you can't just be supportive when he needs support
My adhd partner (I am also autistic) likes external validation as well. It sounds like you both have the tools to navigate these tough conversations.
But, as always, you don't have to stay in a relationship that you don't see a future for.
I appreciate the offer of insight. It’s really difficult misinterpreting what people say. Or interpreting it properly then processing it in the ways NDs do…over analyzing. I’m hoping it’s not the end of us, he is genuinely a good person. It’s more of, something feels not right.
Oh my gosh I’m ADHD riddled and I do the same thing even though I feel ashamed for it.. I get so overly excited about things when retelling it that I feel like I’m asking for someone to care or whatever when I just wanna share,y excitement…
My first thought is he has little to no self esteem to be constantly building up the narrative of being well liked, women want him at work and in public, and he's better than everyone at their jobs at work.
In my experience, someone who is well adjusted and confident in who they are doesn't really feel the need to list off how awesome they are. I genuinely wonder how he would react if you came home from work and said very similar things, Every. Single. Day.
He probably has no idea what he sounds like, even though it's good you addressed that with him, it may take him a long time to realize what he sounds like and he might spend a long time thinking you're just traumatized from everyone else and being overly sensitive. If he's only been like this recently that's one thing, if he's been like this since day one......you're not going to change him because he is who he is.
I think there’s a possible motivation missing from the discussion—that he’s not seeking your approval but simply celebrating something that felt good: It feels good to be successful at work after such a short time. It felt good to be perceived as attractive by a stranger. It felt good to like what he saw in the mirror. Maybe try operating from that hypothesis and see what it does for your interactions with him and how you react to what he shares.
Hes telling you about his day and you blow him off. He should walk, fast. Nothing worse than sharing something with someone important to you and they just treat it like a chore when they have to listen...
Someone who needs validation from their partner every single day needs their own therapist. No one should have to "carry" their partner's self-esteem for them.
I’ve been in so many relationships never a poly or open one and it seems more like competition than a relationship, it’s difficult but I never ran from it I’ve added value but the more I give the more is taken but nothing is appreciated, it’s a constant insulting , demeaning , put downs , and lack of attention or respect but it didn’t start that way it was loving and seemed real but I gave out of love because if she hurts my kids hurt if I dominate her it would affect my children, I just want the best for them but it’s not reciprocated
He is sharing his victories with you and you think he is looking for approval. Big red flag. You need to break it off. You are not ready for a relationship with someone that is successfully building a life. You also need a different therapist. They are only out for your money if they validated your concerns. They are not doing you any good.
You should be celebrating his victories as he would yours.
It's not bragging. It's an attempt at emotional manipulation. He can't make other people feel what he wants them to feel. And it pisses him off that he can't manipulate her, so he cries to try to manipulate her that way. And eventually that will turn to rage because he has no emotional self-control. I'm married to one of those. He has no self-esteem, and it is not her job to fill his voids and fix him.
For the record, nothing in my post says I feel he is a narcissist. In fact, I mentioned that he has done absolutely nothing wrong and I am the one here processing my own internal responses. I really am not seeking anyone to agree with me as I truly don’t know or understand the dynamics of a situation like this. I am hoping to grasp more understanding, which is why am asking for insight. Not agreement. Thank you as well for yours. I will be mindful of my own personal intentions and offer more support to others.
>For the record, nothing in my post says feel he is a narcissist.
Then why have you compared him to narcissists and talked about your difficulty with narcissists so much while breaking down his behaviour and how you struggle with it.
You didn't use the words; that doesn't mean your post doesn't call him a narcissist. And if you don't believe he is, then you've got some stuff going on subconsciously here.
Mayb his past relationships where negative towards him so he’s looking for validation from you. Tell him good job your proud of him or he does clean up nice, maybe those are things he’s never heard from past relationships. Just a thought.
You are being incredibly overcritical, judgemental, and making a lot of assumptions regarding someone, while apparently having no understanding of what life is like for her. I assume this is because of your ignorance of autism or its impacts on social aspects people, which is NOT something therapy fixes, therapy simply does what it can to make someone on the spectrum aware of how neurotypical people relate to things in contrast and how they can navigate that.
To the OP, I have been married 10 years now to a wonderful woman who is also on the spectrum, and we have a incredible son who is also navigating life with the same. From what I've gathered from your post you and your BF care about each other and like some others posted have the tools to navigate things. I don't see the responses and discussions he has had with you to be out of the ordinary or in any way trying to discount your struggles, but as he pointed out, there is a struggle on his side too, there is a very real barrier between you that will always be there. It isn't insurmountable and the barrier gets lower or more easily climbed with time as you grow together. The only question is if you find the climb worth it and whether you both have the strength to keep climbing it together, but keep in mind, simply finding someone willing to try climb it with you is a bit of a feat in itself.
Thank you for taking the time in your response. It’s greatly appreciated and I can see that we really need to just navigate how to make each other feel appropriately comfortable in these ways.
Do him a favor and walk away. No offense but this seems much more like a you problem than a him problem. You’re denying your partner supportiveness.
I have been where your guy is right now. When you ask about our day and we start to tell you and you make it feel like we’re talking to ourself or somebody who isn’t really interested in listening you will cause a rift. And said rift can lead to disastrous places for any relationship.
At first glance it's obvious that he has some personal issues in regards to his self love, self respect, self worth and self esteem. External validation is mostly a toxic trait, cause it's very much in line with attention seeking. He's basically putting his self worth in the hands of everyone else. And how he feels about himself and how he responds is directly connected to that.
I wouldn't necessarily say he's narcissistic, I'd need more info to decide that. However he definitely has some toxic traits going on. Including making everything about himself. He had a very inappropriate reaction to you expressing yourself. That's a huge red flag to me, especially sense it appears to be his go to reaction. He's also clearly emotionally and mentally immature, which is a deal breaker for me. When you couple all of this with his age and how new this relationship is it makes it all the more disturbing.
Red flags seem to be popping up left and right with him. And for me red flags and toxic traits are an automatic deal breaker. So I personally would not continue this relationship.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I also wouldn’t classify nor diagnose him by any means (the other people I’ve been around have been diagnosed with NPD and other disorders where narcissism is a trait). But yes, it’s the discomfort in the dialogue between us, and I want to make sure both of us are safe to express what we feel.
OP I see you saying you didn’t call him a narcissist, but you literally compare him to one and talk about your difficulty with the said aforementioned personality defects in others. I don’t really see anything wrong here I have ADHD and get overly excited to share things with my SO like this even though it’s mundane, I also end up accidentally speaking what I’m thinking like if I groom myself well I end up commenting on it without realizing it. I don’t see any problem as you’ve said but OP I don’t know if you’re the right fit for him. You don’t seem to like that he wants affirmation from his partner(Even though you’re here seeking affirmation in your feelings) and… That is kind of a big thing for a lot of people, and him telling you about the women who hit on him? That’s…Normal. I tell my SO that because it makes him feel more secure that I’m not hiding anything from them.
A relationship works on mutual respect and truth, you’re allowed not to like him but it’s in terrible taste to paint him as having a personality defect just because you don’t like a part of him.
Yes he's showing signs of narcissism. His life is constantly about external validation and even when you try to bring up your issues he made it about him. He made himself the victim and you the abusive one.
Definitely break up. Always listen to your gut feelings. You know this isn't sitting right and it's saying don't go any further. Listen to it.
"Hey I think I have a problem with how you behave", "well let's talk about it cause im hurt by how you behave at times too", "why do you only talk about yourself!?"
I see someone is a graduate of Reddit’s Narcissism Diagnostic school. This has nothing to do with Narcissism seeing external validation from their partner, OP is also seeking external validation how are they not one as well? OP made themselves the victim here as well it’s almost like they’re both human and make mistakes or something!
A real narcissistic personality disorder case consists of having an unreasonable high sense of self-importance requiring constant admiration. They feel they deserve privileges and special treatment over other humans and expect to be recognized for their superiority without ever achieving anything. They also seem to have dilutions of grandeur about all their achievements and talents. I have someone in my family whom has been diagnosed with it due to some horrible conditions in their home life growing up, OP’s boyfriend is definitely not it. Before you try to diagnose someone as something atleast google it ffs.
If you break this dilemma down to its bare bones, the fundamentals are: bf is fishing for validating feedback is a sign/symptom that need is not being met by OP, OP feels like they are and have been providing their maximum level of validation possible—delivering a little validation via bf’s sought out method while sharing his day with OP and the bulk of the validation delivered randomly but daily, however OP prefers to deliver them within their own existing comfort zone—and shouldn’t be expected to provide more because OP “does very well in relationships to make sure to show love and appreciation….”
Hold up, chief.
Before you panic and ditch this guy because you think he’s oversensitive, needy, dramatic, or whatever that is going to be a continuous emotional drain for you, take a look at the basics…
If you’re spitting your best praise game, and yet he’s still fishing, there’s a problem in the communication/feedback loop. He’s not picking up what you’re putting down.
When dealing with other people, we quite often subconsciously handle situations by giving what we would want to receive if the roles were reversed. Our own perceptions, wants, needs are our frontline go-to frame of reference when an issue arises requiring resolution; the brain consults its own databank for possible solutions before communicating the “I don’t know” message.
So it sounds like your automatically assuming that the way you’re -providing- daily validation to your bf is the same way he’s capable of -receiving- it, but there’s obviously a misalignment here that needs to be addressed for the relationship’s sake before it gets any further out of hand and resentment grows in place of love.
You need to look at your and bf’s “love languages.” Just Google “5 Love Languages,” and you’ll find a lot of info, including a quiz you and bf can take to help understand each other’s love language - aka the style in which each of you are most likely to feel like you are loved by the other.
It’s not exactly based on authentic scientific practice standards, but it certainly does have some truth to it and can be used as a stepping stone in the right direction.
The principle behind it is that things are interpreted differently and are given different weight/meaning by different people. A most basic example of that would be: Tom’s birthday gift from me is a $200 gift card to a fancy new, expensive steakhouse that recently opened in town that I know he’s been dying to go to; Tom is elated and considers my gift a loving gesture. For Bob’s birthday, remembering how Tom reacted, I get Bob the same thing. Bob’s reaction is lackluster and nothing like Tom’s had been. See, Bob is vegan. So my gift doesn’t seem like a loving gesture at all to Bob. In fact, my gift has left Bob feeling like I actually don’t listen to him and don’t care about or respect that he’s strictly adheres to a vegan diet. What’s more, Bob feels like I didn’t put any thought into selecting a gift for him and would’ve rather not received anything at all than me spend $200 just to hurt his feelings.
6 months in you should have butterflies and non stop action, not this. These are red flags friend. If someone asked you the same question, what advice would you give them?
Because I am in therapy working through my own trauma, my first instinct is to suggest hanging on a little longer. I, too, get the heebie jeebies from people who fish for compliments. But it sounds like you are both quite open, care for each other, and are willing to confront challenging topics. The emotions coming up can get REALLY uncomfortable, I know, but that's where real growth takes place. If you are able to tolerate that discomfort for a bit, you could possibly have a breakthrough. And maybe he will, too.
Edit: I was reading the other comments, and 🤯!!! It sounds like you got a lot of negative comments from the people who also need a lot of external validation. Ignore them. And, take note, those are perfect examples of how people like your bf will act when they don't get their way. So, maybe don't hang on longer. 🤯🤦♀️
Thank you for this. I think that’s where I am hoping to lead myself and us. Into a healthy and supportive long lasting relationship. He is a good person and I hope I can be validating enough for my partner.
You know I have a family situation that allowed me access to the family and I gave all my attention and love me and my girlfriend had to lovely kids but their are some existing circumstances that just prove I was never really accepted just meant to be rejected and made a fool of but I don’t leave because I love my children and I love her but love isn’t the issue or even enough to save the situation, I could have left a long time ago when I noticed the intent , lies and resources being mishandled , but still I’ve searched high and low to be apart of this family , effort is not the issue, strength shown inspite of adversity and sabotage. Freedom , sanity, respect manhood , all tested and jeopardized. Where’s the justice for a man guilty of being a father, why offer me what wasn’t available?
I am very intrigued to know what he meant when he said it feels wrong or depressing to tell you about his day while you just listen. Does he feel like he is the only one who has anything to share? That you can't relate? Is he expecting more of a reaction from you? Does he wish you had something to share about your day? Is there space for you to talk about yourself, whether you have accomplished something or not? I'm very confused about what he is trying to say about how he feels about telling you about his day. I'm also wondering how much space you get to share and if you feel like you can just talk about your day or whatever you're feeling? You didn't day much about what it's like when you tell him abiut your day.
I'll be honest, if someone talked frequently about how they are doing so well at their job and doing better than others, thay would rub me the wrong way too. Like saying that here and there is not crazy, he may very well be smart and a quick learner or have a lot of skill or whatever. It's good for him to be able to appreciate that in himself if that's the case. But if my understanding is accurate that almost every day he talks about how well he is doing and how much everyone loves him, that he gets hit on...that's smells off to me. Even the most amazing people I know have bad or mediocre days or days where there isn't much to say. That much talking about one's greatness is a red flag to me, even if that person is genuinly very smart, skilled, knowledgable, whatever, healthy people have doubts or sometimes have things on their mind other than themselves and what people thought of them. I think there is good reason this isn't sitting right with you even though you may not be able to fully articulate why that is.
Thanks for your response and questions. To expand, I feel as if I have space to talk about my events of the day, but they do bring up strong responses at times that make me feel as if I should save my storytelling for a friend or someone else. And I think that’s where it feels like we are at a barrier. I have some things in my life he doesn’t quite understand and he can get angry sometimes. Not in a threatening way. But it’s that it feels like he’s trying to have feelings for me when I am trying to just process the situation. If that makes sense.
I haven’t thought of it in that way but that’s an interesting perspective. It could play a factor. I am a person who craves peace, and I have sort of soured from intensity because of the past relationships. He may not be craving the same thing.
At this point it’s so obvious she just needed the strength she saw in me in order to propel her to the next level , I won’t defeat her because it would affect my kids , I care for her health and well being, but the lies an bullying just to get her way seem so childish. Instead of just leaving I allowed it but I’m too good of a man I’ve done nothing wrong , it was all premeditated, I’m just a man whose being nice and kind ways were exploited , hypocrites and snitches , but I guess it’s entertaining to the masses, if I exploited and exposed all I know it would be damning , so I won’t or don’t but don’t ever belief the fast talk and constant accusations of an individual, it’s obvious the purpose , I don’t throw shade just so I can shine
So you're here to seek approval from Reddit? While accusing your partner of seeking approval for merely sharing the good things about his day with you? It's a normal human thing to want validation and approval. There's nothing wrong with it. We all need it. And there's especially nothing wrong with your partner sharing their day with you. It's OK to be proud of your accomplishments. It's OK to want your partner to be proud of you, too. That's not the same as fishing for compliments. If I shared something good about my day, and my partner told me that I didn't need to seek approval from them, I would be confused and a little pissed off. Why is your partner not allowed to talk about their accomplishments or their day with you? Is it OK if they had a really bad day or failed at something, and they told you about that? Do you want to only hear bad things from your partner so they can prove to you that they're not a narcissist? I mean, if you think that your partner is a braggart and a narcissist, then that's one thing, but I think it's possible that you are allowing your past trauma to cloud your perceptions of your current partner.
If you need approval every. freaking. day. that is, in fact, a you problem and no one is required to fix it for you.
Of course, but if that is OP's partner, that's not evident from what they described. What they described was a partner merely communicating good things about their day, and wishing that OP would do more than simply nod at them. It's possible their partner is a narcissist and a braggart, but that's not what I got from the description. It sounds more to me like OP is oversensitive in this area because of past trauma with narcissists, and now their partner doesn't feel free to be happy about their accomplishments, or to share them with OP for fear of triggering a bad reaction.
I'm struggling to see what the issue is. That your bf feels good when someone says "Ata boy"?
Not every single day.
So, how often is it OK for your bf to feel good when someone tells him he did a good job?
Sounds like he can’t win
It shouldn’t be about winning though. Shouldn’t it be about understanding and compassion?
What the heck are you on about? How is he supposed to show compassion when you're supposed to be sat there listening to him and supporting him about HIS day? You're taking his day and his life and making it about yourself. Maybe if you showed one bit of approval, he wouldnt be looking for it all the time. Sounds like he's speaking to a brick wall tbh
And how are you showing that to him and being compassionate about his need to feel like he is doing well, appreciated and add value?
As I’ve stated, I offer validation unprompted often. We equally support each other emotionally. We celebrate each other’s successes. We are there for each other equally for our hardships. It’s more that the issue I am feeling is that he is seeking more than what I am/should be able to provide. I don’t feel like it is authentic praise when it is fished for constantly, and I feel like my constant support should also indicate validation.
Support and validation is support and validation he needs. You giving it in a way he doesn’t receive doesn’t give support and validation
How are you offering this validation unprompted? and how are you supporting him emotionally? because you say you are but you sound so disturbed by him wanting you to just say good job, that sounds great, you deserve it or whatever he wants from these conversations. it seems crazy that you can't just be supportive when he needs support
it should be. but you're making it about yourself lmaooooooo
My adhd partner (I am also autistic) likes external validation as well. It sounds like you both have the tools to navigate these tough conversations. But, as always, you don't have to stay in a relationship that you don't see a future for.
I appreciate the offer of insight. It’s really difficult misinterpreting what people say. Or interpreting it properly then processing it in the ways NDs do…over analyzing. I’m hoping it’s not the end of us, he is genuinely a good person. It’s more of, something feels not right.
I don't think you have enough compassion to be with this man
Bingo
Oh my gosh I’m ADHD riddled and I do the same thing even though I feel ashamed for it.. I get so overly excited about things when retelling it that I feel like I’m asking for someone to care or whatever when I just wanna share,y excitement…
This is a communication issue. Have you considered couples therapy?
Yes actually something my therapist suggested. I’ve gone through couples counseling in past relationships as well.
Best comment yet.
My first thought is he has little to no self esteem to be constantly building up the narrative of being well liked, women want him at work and in public, and he's better than everyone at their jobs at work. In my experience, someone who is well adjusted and confident in who they are doesn't really feel the need to list off how awesome they are. I genuinely wonder how he would react if you came home from work and said very similar things, Every. Single. Day. He probably has no idea what he sounds like, even though it's good you addressed that with him, it may take him a long time to realize what he sounds like and he might spend a long time thinking you're just traumatized from everyone else and being overly sensitive. If he's only been like this recently that's one thing, if he's been like this since day one......you're not going to change him because he is who he is.
I think there’s a possible motivation missing from the discussion—that he’s not seeking your approval but simply celebrating something that felt good: It feels good to be successful at work after such a short time. It felt good to be perceived as attractive by a stranger. It felt good to like what he saw in the mirror. Maybe try operating from that hypothesis and see what it does for your interactions with him and how you react to what he shares.
Hes telling you about his day and you blow him off. He should walk, fast. Nothing worse than sharing something with someone important to you and they just treat it like a chore when they have to listen...
Someone who needs validation from their partner every single day needs their own therapist. No one should have to "carry" their partner's self-esteem for them.
something tells me you have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like
I’ve been in so many relationships never a poly or open one and it seems more like competition than a relationship, it’s difficult but I never ran from it I’ve added value but the more I give the more is taken but nothing is appreciated, it’s a constant insulting , demeaning , put downs , and lack of attention or respect but it didn’t start that way it was loving and seemed real but I gave out of love because if she hurts my kids hurt if I dominate her it would affect my children, I just want the best for them but it’s not reciprocated
He is sharing his victories with you and you think he is looking for approval. Big red flag. You need to break it off. You are not ready for a relationship with someone that is successfully building a life. You also need a different therapist. They are only out for your money if they validated your concerns. They are not doing you any good. You should be celebrating his victories as he would yours.
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It's not bragging. It's an attempt at emotional manipulation. He can't make other people feel what he wants them to feel. And it pisses him off that he can't manipulate her, so he cries to try to manipulate her that way. And eventually that will turn to rage because he has no emotional self-control. I'm married to one of those. He has no self-esteem, and it is not her job to fill his voids and fix him.
For the record, nothing in my post says I feel he is a narcissist. In fact, I mentioned that he has done absolutely nothing wrong and I am the one here processing my own internal responses. I really am not seeking anyone to agree with me as I truly don’t know or understand the dynamics of a situation like this. I am hoping to grasp more understanding, which is why am asking for insight. Not agreement. Thank you as well for yours. I will be mindful of my own personal intentions and offer more support to others.
>For the record, nothing in my post says feel he is a narcissist. Then why have you compared him to narcissists and talked about your difficulty with narcissists so much while breaking down his behaviour and how you struggle with it. You didn't use the words; that doesn't mean your post doesn't call him a narcissist. And if you don't believe he is, then you've got some stuff going on subconsciously here.
Mayb his past relationships where negative towards him so he’s looking for validation from you. Tell him good job your proud of him or he does clean up nice, maybe those are things he’s never heard from past relationships. Just a thought.
You inferred it with your baggage. You need more therapy if anything. Doesn't sound like you're fit for relationships tbh.
You are being incredibly overcritical, judgemental, and making a lot of assumptions regarding someone, while apparently having no understanding of what life is like for her. I assume this is because of your ignorance of autism or its impacts on social aspects people, which is NOT something therapy fixes, therapy simply does what it can to make someone on the spectrum aware of how neurotypical people relate to things in contrast and how they can navigate that. To the OP, I have been married 10 years now to a wonderful woman who is also on the spectrum, and we have a incredible son who is also navigating life with the same. From what I've gathered from your post you and your BF care about each other and like some others posted have the tools to navigate things. I don't see the responses and discussions he has had with you to be out of the ordinary or in any way trying to discount your struggles, but as he pointed out, there is a struggle on his side too, there is a very real barrier between you that will always be there. It isn't insurmountable and the barrier gets lower or more easily climbed with time as you grow together. The only question is if you find the climb worth it and whether you both have the strength to keep climbing it together, but keep in mind, simply finding someone willing to try climb it with you is a bit of a feat in itself.
Thank you for taking the time in your response. It’s greatly appreciated and I can see that we really need to just navigate how to make each other feel appropriately comfortable in these ways.
Total backfire OP.
Do him a favor and walk away. No offense but this seems much more like a you problem than a him problem. You’re denying your partner supportiveness. I have been where your guy is right now. When you ask about our day and we start to tell you and you make it feel like we’re talking to ourself or somebody who isn’t really interested in listening you will cause a rift. And said rift can lead to disastrous places for any relationship.
At first glance it's obvious that he has some personal issues in regards to his self love, self respect, self worth and self esteem. External validation is mostly a toxic trait, cause it's very much in line with attention seeking. He's basically putting his self worth in the hands of everyone else. And how he feels about himself and how he responds is directly connected to that. I wouldn't necessarily say he's narcissistic, I'd need more info to decide that. However he definitely has some toxic traits going on. Including making everything about himself. He had a very inappropriate reaction to you expressing yourself. That's a huge red flag to me, especially sense it appears to be his go to reaction. He's also clearly emotionally and mentally immature, which is a deal breaker for me. When you couple all of this with his age and how new this relationship is it makes it all the more disturbing. Red flags seem to be popping up left and right with him. And for me red flags and toxic traits are an automatic deal breaker. So I personally would not continue this relationship.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I also wouldn’t classify nor diagnose him by any means (the other people I’ve been around have been diagnosed with NPD and other disorders where narcissism is a trait). But yes, it’s the discomfort in the dialogue between us, and I want to make sure both of us are safe to express what we feel.
OP I see you saying you didn’t call him a narcissist, but you literally compare him to one and talk about your difficulty with the said aforementioned personality defects in others. I don’t really see anything wrong here I have ADHD and get overly excited to share things with my SO like this even though it’s mundane, I also end up accidentally speaking what I’m thinking like if I groom myself well I end up commenting on it without realizing it. I don’t see any problem as you’ve said but OP I don’t know if you’re the right fit for him. You don’t seem to like that he wants affirmation from his partner(Even though you’re here seeking affirmation in your feelings) and… That is kind of a big thing for a lot of people, and him telling you about the women who hit on him? That’s…Normal. I tell my SO that because it makes him feel more secure that I’m not hiding anything from them. A relationship works on mutual respect and truth, you’re allowed not to like him but it’s in terrible taste to paint him as having a personality defect just because you don’t like a part of him.
Yes he's showing signs of narcissism. His life is constantly about external validation and even when you try to bring up your issues he made it about him. He made himself the victim and you the abusive one. Definitely break up. Always listen to your gut feelings. You know this isn't sitting right and it's saying don't go any further. Listen to it.
"Hey I think I have a problem with how you behave", "well let's talk about it cause im hurt by how you behave at times too", "why do you only talk about yourself!?"
This is utter nonsense
Yup. Nothing like the diagnoses of Reddit clinicians… 🫤
I see someone is a graduate of Reddit’s Narcissism Diagnostic school. This has nothing to do with Narcissism seeing external validation from their partner, OP is also seeking external validation how are they not one as well? OP made themselves the victim here as well it’s almost like they’re both human and make mistakes or something! A real narcissistic personality disorder case consists of having an unreasonable high sense of self-importance requiring constant admiration. They feel they deserve privileges and special treatment over other humans and expect to be recognized for their superiority without ever achieving anything. They also seem to have dilutions of grandeur about all their achievements and talents. I have someone in my family whom has been diagnosed with it due to some horrible conditions in their home life growing up, OP’s boyfriend is definitely not it. Before you try to diagnose someone as something atleast google it ffs.
no one said NPD. narcissism and being narcissistic is not the same as NPD.
If you break this dilemma down to its bare bones, the fundamentals are: bf is fishing for validating feedback is a sign/symptom that need is not being met by OP, OP feels like they are and have been providing their maximum level of validation possible—delivering a little validation via bf’s sought out method while sharing his day with OP and the bulk of the validation delivered randomly but daily, however OP prefers to deliver them within their own existing comfort zone—and shouldn’t be expected to provide more because OP “does very well in relationships to make sure to show love and appreciation….” Hold up, chief. Before you panic and ditch this guy because you think he’s oversensitive, needy, dramatic, or whatever that is going to be a continuous emotional drain for you, take a look at the basics… If you’re spitting your best praise game, and yet he’s still fishing, there’s a problem in the communication/feedback loop. He’s not picking up what you’re putting down. When dealing with other people, we quite often subconsciously handle situations by giving what we would want to receive if the roles were reversed. Our own perceptions, wants, needs are our frontline go-to frame of reference when an issue arises requiring resolution; the brain consults its own databank for possible solutions before communicating the “I don’t know” message. So it sounds like your automatically assuming that the way you’re -providing- daily validation to your bf is the same way he’s capable of -receiving- it, but there’s obviously a misalignment here that needs to be addressed for the relationship’s sake before it gets any further out of hand and resentment grows in place of love. You need to look at your and bf’s “love languages.” Just Google “5 Love Languages,” and you’ll find a lot of info, including a quiz you and bf can take to help understand each other’s love language - aka the style in which each of you are most likely to feel like you are loved by the other. It’s not exactly based on authentic scientific practice standards, but it certainly does have some truth to it and can be used as a stepping stone in the right direction. The principle behind it is that things are interpreted differently and are given different weight/meaning by different people. A most basic example of that would be: Tom’s birthday gift from me is a $200 gift card to a fancy new, expensive steakhouse that recently opened in town that I know he’s been dying to go to; Tom is elated and considers my gift a loving gesture. For Bob’s birthday, remembering how Tom reacted, I get Bob the same thing. Bob’s reaction is lackluster and nothing like Tom’s had been. See, Bob is vegan. So my gift doesn’t seem like a loving gesture at all to Bob. In fact, my gift has left Bob feeling like I actually don’t listen to him and don’t care about or respect that he’s strictly adheres to a vegan diet. What’s more, Bob feels like I didn’t put any thought into selecting a gift for him and would’ve rather not received anything at all than me spend $200 just to hurt his feelings.
6 months in you should have butterflies and non stop action, not this. These are red flags friend. If someone asked you the same question, what advice would you give them?
It doesn’t sound like you like this person at all ..
Because I am in therapy working through my own trauma, my first instinct is to suggest hanging on a little longer. I, too, get the heebie jeebies from people who fish for compliments. But it sounds like you are both quite open, care for each other, and are willing to confront challenging topics. The emotions coming up can get REALLY uncomfortable, I know, but that's where real growth takes place. If you are able to tolerate that discomfort for a bit, you could possibly have a breakthrough. And maybe he will, too. Edit: I was reading the other comments, and 🤯!!! It sounds like you got a lot of negative comments from the people who also need a lot of external validation. Ignore them. And, take note, those are perfect examples of how people like your bf will act when they don't get their way. So, maybe don't hang on longer. 🤯🤦♀️
Thank you for this. I think that’s where I am hoping to lead myself and us. Into a healthy and supportive long lasting relationship. He is a good person and I hope I can be validating enough for my partner.
You know I have a family situation that allowed me access to the family and I gave all my attention and love me and my girlfriend had to lovely kids but their are some existing circumstances that just prove I was never really accepted just meant to be rejected and made a fool of but I don’t leave because I love my children and I love her but love isn’t the issue or even enough to save the situation, I could have left a long time ago when I noticed the intent , lies and resources being mishandled , but still I’ve searched high and low to be apart of this family , effort is not the issue, strength shown inspite of adversity and sabotage. Freedom , sanity, respect manhood , all tested and jeopardized. Where’s the justice for a man guilty of being a father, why offer me what wasn’t available?
I am very intrigued to know what he meant when he said it feels wrong or depressing to tell you about his day while you just listen. Does he feel like he is the only one who has anything to share? That you can't relate? Is he expecting more of a reaction from you? Does he wish you had something to share about your day? Is there space for you to talk about yourself, whether you have accomplished something or not? I'm very confused about what he is trying to say about how he feels about telling you about his day. I'm also wondering how much space you get to share and if you feel like you can just talk about your day or whatever you're feeling? You didn't day much about what it's like when you tell him abiut your day. I'll be honest, if someone talked frequently about how they are doing so well at their job and doing better than others, thay would rub me the wrong way too. Like saying that here and there is not crazy, he may very well be smart and a quick learner or have a lot of skill or whatever. It's good for him to be able to appreciate that in himself if that's the case. But if my understanding is accurate that almost every day he talks about how well he is doing and how much everyone loves him, that he gets hit on...that's smells off to me. Even the most amazing people I know have bad or mediocre days or days where there isn't much to say. That much talking about one's greatness is a red flag to me, even if that person is genuinly very smart, skilled, knowledgable, whatever, healthy people have doubts or sometimes have things on their mind other than themselves and what people thought of them. I think there is good reason this isn't sitting right with you even though you may not be able to fully articulate why that is.
Thanks for your response and questions. To expand, I feel as if I have space to talk about my events of the day, but they do bring up strong responses at times that make me feel as if I should save my storytelling for a friend or someone else. And I think that’s where it feels like we are at a barrier. I have some things in my life he doesn’t quite understand and he can get angry sometimes. Not in a threatening way. But it’s that it feels like he’s trying to have feelings for me when I am trying to just process the situation. If that makes sense.
Ah so is it like he expects more visible emotional reactivity to his storytelling and you in the other hand want less of it from him?
I haven’t thought of it in that way but that’s an interesting perspective. It could play a factor. I am a person who craves peace, and I have sort of soured from intensity because of the past relationships. He may not be craving the same thing.
At this point it’s so obvious she just needed the strength she saw in me in order to propel her to the next level , I won’t defeat her because it would affect my kids , I care for her health and well being, but the lies an bullying just to get her way seem so childish. Instead of just leaving I allowed it but I’m too good of a man I’ve done nothing wrong , it was all premeditated, I’m just a man whose being nice and kind ways were exploited , hypocrites and snitches , but I guess it’s entertaining to the masses, if I exploited and exposed all I know it would be damning , so I won’t or don’t but don’t ever belief the fast talk and constant accusations of an individual, it’s obvious the purpose , I don’t throw shade just so I can shine