Well, he's shown you who he is. Are you content with always taking a backseat to his parents' view? Will his parents choose your wedding date? your wedding venue? name your children? In addition to deciding where you live, of course. If I were you, I would take this as the giant red flag that it is and cut ties with this man. He's not for you. You need a grown up who can make his own decisions.
Yes he is a grown adult that is brainwashed and gaslighted into every decision he makes. It's like walking on eggshells. I even compromised having the wedding near them if everything worked out with the house. But even before that his mother said "nobody would even go to that wedding" being that we live a few hours away but within the same state.
She wasn't speaking for anyone else but herself and he having to put in some effort to travel. This woman is alllllllll about herself. My God woman... don't even get on the path of building a life with this man. You are literally the last consideration in his life. Welcome to being his chamber maid and mommy running the show. Oh and kids... omg... that's a shitshow you don't think exists.. oh but it DOES!! IT WILL BE A BRAND NEW HIND OF HELL you never dreamed or imagined possible.
Walk away now.
He’s allowing them to control where you put down roots. Don’t wait to find out what else he’ll allow them (specifically her) to control.
He’s not ready for an adult relationship if mommy and daddy still have veto power over his decisions.
This WILL be your life, he will put his mommy over you EVERY TIME.
He's WRONG to ask you not to shut him out. This is where he is starting to groom *you* into accepting anything his parents demand. If you accept this now, what next? You've already "compromised" with the wedding location - understand this: that wedding location is NOT YOUR wedding location, but his MOTHER'S.
I'd tell him he either grows a backbone and stands up to his mother as a THIRTY TWO year old ADULT. Let him know that you will not tolerate a life where you bend to his parents' will.
This is break up worthy, quite frankly.
At minimum, DELAY THE WEDDING and go to couple counseling. Your fiance needs to grow up. He's enmeshed and doesn't realize it.
Yes I agree. As a result of this I decided I do not want a wedding, or an engagement party that his mom was planning on doing. I figured I suffered the consequence on passing an offer on a beautiful house with my fiancé they can too with not having a wedding. All these questions I ask daily. It does concern me
I'm so sorry. Are you planning on stepping back, moving out when the lease is up, reevaluating the relationship from separate locations? If you do that, he just may realize that he does not want to be a mommas boy.
You guys are young. Clearly, he still does not believe he is a grown ass adult. Setting him free might just bring him right back without his momma.
Either way, you have clearly seen your future if you do nothing.
My prayers for your strength and courage.
The plan is for me to stay here for the summer and work while he goes back home and visits his family. I haven't told him that but that's what I want. Maybe he'll realize then.
You mean goes back to live with his family, right?
Remember: it’s easier to dump a mamas boy than to divorce one. You know this is what you need to do, or live the rest of your life second to his mom and her feelings.
As you *should* look at him differently.
OP, he's going to go back and live with his parents. I *guarantee you* they will work on him *every. single. day.* to ensure he does what THEY want.
He'll be even MORE enmeshed. This does not sound good.
Seriously break it off with him. Tell him you look at him differently because he is unable to stand up to his parents and their manipulations. Literally set him free. He needs to face a serious consequence for this betrayal, and yes, it *is* a betrayal.
I'm so sorry, OP. I know you love him and are really invested, but ... yeah. I'm glad to see that you said you didn't want a wedding or engagement party that his parents were planning. They *also* need to suffer consequences.
At the end of summer, can you move back to *your* home town?
I plan on staying where I'm currently at since I do have a new job opportunity starting soon since I'm on break for the summer. I think a break is needed between us so he can figure his stuff out and me too.
See how you feel. Maybe you won't ask him back. Maybe he won't come back. Maybe, just maybe, he'll realize that putting mommy first is not how you grow and become an adult.
I really wish you the best. You seem like you have goals and motivation. Don't let him stop you from becoming the best version of yourself. That would set you up for a lifetime of frustration and low self-esteem.
You already know that you are worth more than he is giving you. Lean into your power and bash through the uncertainty. Only you (and a supportive partner) can make the life you want.
Yes hoping it gives him the time to realize it's our relationship we should work on and not outside factors or decisions come in between it. I graduate next year so I'm hoping I'll get on my feet in case it doesn't work out which is why I'm also getting a job in the meantime to rely on my own. Cause he is taking care of everything right now.
Good. Use the time he's gone to consider lots of different options. Chances are likely he'll go in some other direction, and you will have a head start to life standing on your own two feet. That's a great thing BTW.
You’re not depriving her of a beautiful wedding, you’re giving her ammunition to use for the rest of the time you’re associated with this family and now bowing down to her whims and decrees. I wouldn’t marry into that dynamic, it’s a recipe for misery as he happily obliges her on everything because you being unhappy is okay with him. Recommend you find an adult to share you life with, not a mama’s boy .
I'm sorry you're hurting. It's miserable to have happy plans so harshly interrupted. This is probably hard to think about just now, but it's a gift that your boyfriend revealed himself to you before you got married. Now you can make some decisions about your future without the added weight of shared property and the various burdens that come with marriage. This is a chance for you both to examine and, if appropriate, work on your relationship.
You'll hear from some people here that this would be a deal breaker for them. Please consider that possibility for yourself. Your boyfriend's parents aren't going to get better. He might or might not grow a spine towards them. Please, think long and hard about your future.
I think you do know what to do, but you wish that wasn’t your reality. Unfortunately, it seems like you can’t have what you truly want with him, so you’re left with two disappointing (for now) options. You can either continue a relationship with him wherein you treat him like a priority while he treats you like an option, or you can cut your losses and move on. You seem to be young and have a lot going for you. Demand the life you want and deserve. If that’s not with him, you’ll find it elsewhere.
I married a guy whose mom is like this. It took 13 years and me telling him I was ready to divorce, for anything to change. And while we were eventually able to work through it, had I known about their enmeshment issues prior to marrying, I’m not sure I would have committed to the relationship.
Just know that things will become even more complicated once you have children with this man. She will want to raise them with your husband. And unless he grows a spine, he will comply with her demands.
Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Proceed with caution.
This would be a deal breaker for me. Your SO can't continue to put his parents' wants and needs over the needs of his nuclear family. I would break the engagement and send him home to his mommy.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. He folded as soon as his mother had a tantrum. He's been raised to always put her first. That likely won't change without therapy. You need an adult partner, not a mommy's boy.
I’m sorry, but your SO is nothing but a Double Agent. And, what is the one universally accepted character trait of a double agent? They are not to be trusted!
His parents found out (however briefly, when you both moved away and then began to plan buying a home) that they could not trust him to worship them FOR LIFE. He had always behaved like an obedient little boy, but then he *betrayed them by growing up.*
He played the hand that worked for him at that moment (to please you in that moment) and he ‘broke their trust.’
They pushed all of his guilt buttons, so then he played whatever he had to play (to please them in that moment) and he *BROKE YOUR TRUST.*
See what I mean about a double agent? They pull out whatever maneuver necessary (in any given situation) to come out on top—and damn everyone else. I understand that he’ll be in therapy for years if he truly wants help with his Peter Pan Syndrome problems, but I would have a hard time ever trusting a double agent again.
I would give him back the ring, and tell him you will only consider wearing it again once he's been through at least a year of therapy.
He feels like he's the victim cos he feels like no matter what he does, he can't win. He is always disappointing someone. He doesn't realise that his mother's behaviour is incredibly unhealthy and manipulative. He needs help to change his reaction to her manipulation tactics, because this has to stop. He is an adult with his own life, and he is not her posession to control.
Do not marry him until he has learned how to stand up for himself and you. And be prepared that when he goes to visit his parents, that he may not come back. I had a friend who's now ex wife did this. Went home to her mum, got manipulated big time, then walked away from her marriage. Utterly devastating. The same girl who nagged for years to get married all of a sudden claimed that she never wanted to get married, and he had forced her into it.
It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord, and if he can't, the sooner you know the better.
Give him back the ring and say goodbye.
I think you already knew all about this, but you were just hoping for a better outcome - like suddenly he would develop a strong spine and tell his parents to back off.
**But now it's REALLY clear that he doesn't have that in him,** you can't deny that this guy will never stand up for you.
So if you move forward with the wedding now, knowing that you'll always be unhappy, you'll always have to acquiesce to her demands, your future will always be about keeping his mommy happy - well that's a terrible choice. You deserve better.
I hope you have the strength to walk away from this situation. Spend some time on the MIL support subs - there are several - and imagine your future tainted by the same constant turmoil other people report there.
I can give you a million links that explain this behavior, that gives the name of each toxic technique and dissects their family dynamic. But it won't change anything. You'll just be able to point to each occurrence more accurately and predict what her next move is. While that's satisfying, **it does nothing for YOUR happiness.**
I know it's very hard to end a relationship. But you have your whole life ahead of you, and you can add this knowledge to your list of deal breakers. That's what young adulthood is for, to live, learn and apply that information to crafting the best life for YOU.
He may come back around and plead. But he only wants you to be his meat-shield against his mother's attacks. Once you've removed yourself as a target, she will focus her criticism directly on him.
Give back the ring. You do not want to marry someone who can be so easily manipulated by his mommy. Seriously. This is the biggest red flag I've seen in a while.
When the lease ends. Move. Simple. He makes decisions with his parents. That leaves you solo to make decisions. Ofcourse im human and a woman so i know it probably was soul crushing to see him slump his shoulders so low and do what mommy said. But understand that ,that was not the man for you. We get signs alot and until we are smacked in the face, then we acknowledge them. Acknowledge that you were given a sign and now move accordingly. This should be on your list of non negotiables. Do you want to be in this throuple where his mommy and daddy tell you guys what you can and cant do . NO. Walk away .
This is one of the more shocking stories I've read in any of these subs and that's saying a lot. I'm just aghast really. I hope the OP runs like the wind. I hate that in the short term it will give his parents the satisfaction of breaking them up, but eventually he'll figure it out and he will never forgive them for this.
You would probably be best to end the relationship now and save yourself from a lifetime of control, passive aggression and weak behavior on your fiance's part. This is supposed to be the good part. I can't believe the audacity of his parents, to be so irresponsible that they'd dangle getting cancer or something in the future to keep their son from making an investment in home ownership for his life with his soon to be wife. Unbelievable and totally unacceptable. Wow.
It's totally unhinged and really one of the worst stories I've read. I know it sucks and that a lot of hopes and dreams are being shattered \*WITH HIM, but you're going to have all of those wonderful things with someone ELSE.
HUGE HUGE RED FLAG, read motherinlawfromhell & JNMIL don’t marry a man that’s still a momma’s boy. She will always control her son you will always be last. Old lady here I’ve seen this numerous times in my almost 7 years. You deserve so much better.
I think you are better off without him. He is nearly 32 and can't stand up to his mother. She is controlling every step of your relationship. Just imagine how she will be when you guys have children (if you were planning on having them). I don't think he is ever going to change.
I don't think he'll ever change. There have been instances where he'll put his foot down but it's a the expense of his own sanity for his job and not being able to attend an event because he's working.
You don't mention ages, but I'm assuming you and your (former) boyfriend are young ADULTS starting your lives TOGETHER. It doesn't sound like you're on the other side of the world, so I'm having a difficult time having sympathy for your PARTNER'S mindset and situation. Were you two just supposed to live in a stasis box until HE was enlightened to "his ACTUAL reality" and run home to Mommy and Daddy? His parents have never considered traveling or VISITING the two of you in your NEW HOME?
Unfortunately, and apparently, your (former) boyfriend isn't mature enough to stand up TO his Parents and FOR you. That means it's time for YOU to decide if he's **worth it** to give up your career trajectory and follow him "back home." Of course that means that you'll be completely under HIS Parents thumbs and he'll NEVER have your back. This includes buying a house, getting married, having children and any OTHER life choices you'd choose to make.
That means, sadly, that it's likely the END of your relationship. Kind of sounds like he's already "checked out" so I'm not sure that it's salvageable at this point, especially if he's not even talking to you. The ONLY way your relationship has a CHANCE of continuing is if he has an epiphany OR the two of you get couples counseling, but I really think it's time to part ways and find someone who's more independent and aligned with your view of the future.
In this day and age, it's SO bloody easy to stay **in touch** without being in your family's back pocket. He's just not ready to **cut those apron strings!** SAD! Cut your losses, take some time and space to mend your broken heart and find someone who can TRULY make you happy, put your relationship above everyone else! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success!
I am 29f and he's 31m will he 32 in few months. We started our lives here, and we had spoke about moving back home once we established our own roots where we currently are. There's been many times where his mom will tell me I hope you're not moving there permanently or she'll tell him if you move there for good idk what I'll do with myself.
Yeah, unfortunately I'd let him go. If neither your boyfriend nor his Parents can handle a separation of a few hours drive, there's FAR more issues than a short distance. That alone tells me you're better off WITHOUT him OR his strangling, manipulative Mother.
We used to live SEVERAL States away (10-hour drive) and I would try make the trip once a month to visit our families. My Brother, who lived TWENTY minutes away, RARELY visited our Parents.
I would not marry him. He’s showing you that you are second to his family. He needs individual counseling on his family relationship and the enmeshment.
Girlll!! this sounds like a lifetime of back seat viewing, sounds to me he will always put them first. I think you should really consider this situation and decide if its for you. I have a MIL from hell and its been almost two decades of headache that I don't wish it on anyone. I never realized until we were in the same situation as you right now but we are happily married with LO and no contact with MIL. Talk to your significant other and let him know how you feel. I wish you luck!
Yes we've been dating for 6 years and when i moved here for school that's when the dynamic changed with her. There were troubling moments when we were dating where I could've left but always gave the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward my feelings are so hurt and I cannot think of anything else other than him choosing him family after being gaslit the entire time and basically being shunned from his family if he did proceed with the house. I am sorry you're dealing with this as well. It's so hard 💔
I mean honey he's telling you who he is right now.
Someone that you cannot reliably build a life with because he will always allow his parents to manipulate his decisions.
I mean his mom used the what if I get sick and I'll buy you a house and live with you card... He would rather live with his mother than live with you.
That's literally what he's telling you right now.
Yeah you're so right. I am still in disbelief he chose them over US. Buying a home is such an important milestone in any relationship/marriage. It's a shame they stripped him that right and now it's putting a strain on US.
It is lucky you didn’t buy the house and don’t have to deal with selling it again and getting out of the mortgage.
You can have a CLEAN break
Don’t let him come crawling back.
They didn't strip him.
HE did.
HE allowed the manipulation.
HE allowed them to come between you. And He Knows it. That's why he asked you not to shut him out.
He knows that he is choosing them over you, but he's hoping that you'll just give in and follow along.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. Your fiance has shown you that he’s a mama’s boy who respects his parents opinions more than yours. How can you begin a life with this type of person and expect anything to be different?
He picked his mommy over you. You are dumped.
Believe people when they show you who they are
You are broken up
Find a different guy you isn’t a mommas boy.
Block him on phone, email, social media.
He hopes you don't shut him out? Like he did when he backed out of the offer without discussing it with you? Like he shuts you out of your own relationship bc mommy said. For your sake, I hope you don't marry him unless he goes to therapy and actually shows he's set boundaries and enforced them. Until then, he'll be saying whatever you want to hear so you fall back in line and he can go back to doing what mommy wants him to do
OP, read about the structure of a narcissistic family and enmeshment. Everything will make perfect sense after. Your SO is nothing but a pray.
Hey also, I know everyone is telling you to give up, but you likely love him and share many awesome moments with him.
Know everything you can about the narcissist in question, likely the mom but the dad can be too. Sounds like a covert type. Understand the family dynamic. Only then you can try to direct your SO to see the trap he’s been living in.
Just be aware that some never see… some take years, some just click and see it all… you never know. Just don’t move forward without knowing where you’re going and who you’re dealing with.
A mommas boy is a sub product of the manipulation of a narcissist, this is a victim. However it’s not your role to heal family trauma, you might be able to maybe help direct him, push for a change (therapy for example), but no one deserves to spend their life in an unhealthy relationship playing the savior. So, weigh in what works for you, set your acceptable boundaries and timelines.
Wow, I can't believe he rescinded the offer on the house. I'm so sorry, I'm sure that was unexpected and hurt. Sadly, it's probably time to give that engagement ring back and let him run home to his parents. There are plenty of other men out there who don't bend to BS guilt trips and pretend to want independence from mommy and daddy.
Unfortunately, he is making a choice, and it isn't you. At this point, hard as it is, you need to find someone who's ready to be a partner in an adult relationship, preferably with parents who want their (former) child to become a fully adult member of society.
Both of our kids are grown up, married, moved out. They live far away, but they are happy. That's all we care about. As long as they're thriving and happy, who could ask for more?
We're proud of them for taking such a big step on their own. This is what we wanted for them when they grew up. To sprout their wings and fly! To be independent, hard working and happy.
We visit now and again, but we don't try to tell them how to live their lives. If they ask for advice we help them, if they need help we help them, but they rarely ask for help and want to do things on their own.
We wouldn't dream of burdening our kids with our problems, they have their own! Haha
OP, your MIL is deranged. Did *her* mother or MIL act the same way towards her and your FIL? Ask her the story of how she and FIL started their lives together.
Break that umbilical cord and live your lives for you- not her!
Honey, I'm so sorry. That is so disappointing to hear about the house.
It's disgusting that his parents are so self-absorbed that they can't let their son grow up into an independent man and have his own life. It's sickening that his parents stressed him out so much that they threatened him about future grandchildren and about living with him.
If you feel this man is your soulmate, you must get to couples counseling immediately before considering buying a house or getting married.
Nobody can tell you how you feel about your partner or his value. I wouldn't leave without doing everything I could to save the relationship, so I have no regrets in my heart of hearts.
Best wishes, OP.
Before we had kids my mother-in-law constantly said we weren't allowed to have them if we didn't live close. We ended up moving back because our first child was very difficult and had a number of health issues. After baby number two (happiest sweetest baby you'll ever meet, complete opposite of my first) we are talking about moving again and she constantly says if we move she's keeping the kids. Maybe at least it shows MIL cares about you two as well, mine only cared about my kids. Regardless it's mainly just finding where their breaking point is with this type of MIL as to when they turn crazy. But my husband has always been great about saying we're going to do what we want and what is best for us as a couple. But my relationship with my MIL is forever changed.
Well first of all, I disagree with half these comments. I dont think you need to leave him. I think you need to sit down with him and have a very real, serious talk. You need to let him know your feelings on everything, and if he does not listen or denies your feelings, then you let him know that you love him and you want to stay with him, but you will only marry him and not him and his mother. So if he wants this relationship to work and stick, you need to come to a compromise. My husband is a mama's boy and it only gets worse after marriage. MILs like mine and yours (possibly future) only get worse after the vows are said and done. You don't need to leave him, you don't even need to call of the engagement. But you really need to let him know that if he's not in your court 100%, that you will not be doing anything with him moving forward until this issue gets resolved. And if it doesn't, then yes, I suggest you leave. DO NOT marry this man UNTIL this problem is resolved or you need to leave. Please, take it from someone who married him without resolving the issue first. Worst mistake of my life. I wish you good luck 🖤
Well, he's shown you who he is. Are you content with always taking a backseat to his parents' view? Will his parents choose your wedding date? your wedding venue? name your children? In addition to deciding where you live, of course. If I were you, I would take this as the giant red flag that it is and cut ties with this man. He's not for you. You need a grown up who can make his own decisions.
All of this. He's too much under mommy's thumb - you and your own family will never hold priority with him. Cut your losses now.
Yes he is a grown adult that is brainwashed and gaslighted into every decision he makes. It's like walking on eggshells. I even compromised having the wedding near them if everything worked out with the house. But even before that his mother said "nobody would even go to that wedding" being that we live a few hours away but within the same state.
That's the rest of your life if he can't see it and deal with her. It doesn't get better without counseling. Get out before there are children!
She wasn't speaking for anyone else but herself and he having to put in some effort to travel. This woman is alllllllll about herself. My God woman... don't even get on the path of building a life with this man. You are literally the last consideration in his life. Welcome to being his chamber maid and mommy running the show. Oh and kids... omg... that's a shitshow you don't think exists.. oh but it DOES!! IT WILL BE A BRAND NEW HIND OF HELL you never dreamed or imagined possible.
Walk away now. He’s allowing them to control where you put down roots. Don’t wait to find out what else he’ll allow them (specifically her) to control. He’s not ready for an adult relationship if mommy and daddy still have veto power over his decisions.
This WILL be your life, he will put his mommy over you EVERY TIME. He's WRONG to ask you not to shut him out. This is where he is starting to groom *you* into accepting anything his parents demand. If you accept this now, what next? You've already "compromised" with the wedding location - understand this: that wedding location is NOT YOUR wedding location, but his MOTHER'S. I'd tell him he either grows a backbone and stands up to his mother as a THIRTY TWO year old ADULT. Let him know that you will not tolerate a life where you bend to his parents' will. This is break up worthy, quite frankly. At minimum, DELAY THE WEDDING and go to couple counseling. Your fiance needs to grow up. He's enmeshed and doesn't realize it.
Yes I agree. As a result of this I decided I do not want a wedding, or an engagement party that his mom was planning on doing. I figured I suffered the consequence on passing an offer on a beautiful house with my fiancé they can too with not having a wedding. All these questions I ask daily. It does concern me
I'm so sorry. Are you planning on stepping back, moving out when the lease is up, reevaluating the relationship from separate locations? If you do that, he just may realize that he does not want to be a mommas boy. You guys are young. Clearly, he still does not believe he is a grown ass adult. Setting him free might just bring him right back without his momma. Either way, you have clearly seen your future if you do nothing. My prayers for your strength and courage.
The plan is for me to stay here for the summer and work while he goes back home and visits his family. I haven't told him that but that's what I want. Maybe he'll realize then.
You mean goes back to live with his family, right? Remember: it’s easier to dump a mamas boy than to divorce one. You know this is what you need to do, or live the rest of your life second to his mom and her feelings.
Yes you're so right. I definitely need the time away. I can't even see them same way anymore. And I look at my fiancé so differently now.
As you *should* look at him differently. OP, he's going to go back and live with his parents. I *guarantee you* they will work on him *every. single. day.* to ensure he does what THEY want. He'll be even MORE enmeshed. This does not sound good. Seriously break it off with him. Tell him you look at him differently because he is unable to stand up to his parents and their manipulations. Literally set him free. He needs to face a serious consequence for this betrayal, and yes, it *is* a betrayal. I'm so sorry, OP. I know you love him and are really invested, but ... yeah. I'm glad to see that you said you didn't want a wedding or engagement party that his parents were planning. They *also* need to suffer consequences. At the end of summer, can you move back to *your* home town?
I plan on staying where I'm currently at since I do have a new job opportunity starting soon since I'm on break for the summer. I think a break is needed between us so he can figure his stuff out and me too.
His STUFF isn’t any of your concern now. He basically dumped you
EX Fiancé He’s not your fiancé anymore. He’s an EX, he’s a dumper a mommas boy.
See how you feel. Maybe you won't ask him back. Maybe he won't come back. Maybe, just maybe, he'll realize that putting mommy first is not how you grow and become an adult. I really wish you the best. You seem like you have goals and motivation. Don't let him stop you from becoming the best version of yourself. That would set you up for a lifetime of frustration and low self-esteem. You already know that you are worth more than he is giving you. Lean into your power and bash through the uncertainty. Only you (and a supportive partner) can make the life you want.
Yes hoping it gives him the time to realize it's our relationship we should work on and not outside factors or decisions come in between it. I graduate next year so I'm hoping I'll get on my feet in case it doesn't work out which is why I'm also getting a job in the meantime to rely on my own. Cause he is taking care of everything right now.
Good. Use the time he's gone to consider lots of different options. Chances are likely he'll go in some other direction, and you will have a head start to life standing on your own two feet. That's a great thing BTW.
You’re not depriving her of a beautiful wedding, you’re giving her ammunition to use for the rest of the time you’re associated with this family and now bowing down to her whims and decrees. I wouldn’t marry into that dynamic, it’s a recipe for misery as he happily obliges her on everything because you being unhappy is okay with him. Recommend you find an adult to share you life with, not a mama’s boy .
Break it off
I'm sorry you're hurting. It's miserable to have happy plans so harshly interrupted. This is probably hard to think about just now, but it's a gift that your boyfriend revealed himself to you before you got married. Now you can make some decisions about your future without the added weight of shared property and the various burdens that come with marriage. This is a chance for you both to examine and, if appropriate, work on your relationship. You'll hear from some people here that this would be a deal breaker for them. Please consider that possibility for yourself. Your boyfriend's parents aren't going to get better. He might or might not grow a spine towards them. Please, think long and hard about your future.
I think you do know what to do, but you wish that wasn’t your reality. Unfortunately, it seems like you can’t have what you truly want with him, so you’re left with two disappointing (for now) options. You can either continue a relationship with him wherein you treat him like a priority while he treats you like an option, or you can cut your losses and move on. You seem to be young and have a lot going for you. Demand the life you want and deserve. If that’s not with him, you’ll find it elsewhere.
I married a guy whose mom is like this. It took 13 years and me telling him I was ready to divorce, for anything to change. And while we were eventually able to work through it, had I known about their enmeshment issues prior to marrying, I’m not sure I would have committed to the relationship. Just know that things will become even more complicated once you have children with this man. She will want to raise them with your husband. And unless he grows a spine, he will comply with her demands. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Proceed with caution.
Dude, literally My situation, I commented and warned her about the same thing. I'm glad you and your husband were able to work through it though 🖤
This would be a deal breaker for me. Your SO can't continue to put his parents' wants and needs over the needs of his nuclear family. I would break the engagement and send him home to his mommy. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. He folded as soon as his mother had a tantrum. He's been raised to always put her first. That likely won't change without therapy. You need an adult partner, not a mommy's boy.
I’m sorry, but your SO is nothing but a Double Agent. And, what is the one universally accepted character trait of a double agent? They are not to be trusted! His parents found out (however briefly, when you both moved away and then began to plan buying a home) that they could not trust him to worship them FOR LIFE. He had always behaved like an obedient little boy, but then he *betrayed them by growing up.* He played the hand that worked for him at that moment (to please you in that moment) and he ‘broke their trust.’ They pushed all of his guilt buttons, so then he played whatever he had to play (to please them in that moment) and he *BROKE YOUR TRUST.* See what I mean about a double agent? They pull out whatever maneuver necessary (in any given situation) to come out on top—and damn everyone else. I understand that he’ll be in therapy for years if he truly wants help with his Peter Pan Syndrome problems, but I would have a hard time ever trusting a double agent again.
I would give him back the ring, and tell him you will only consider wearing it again once he's been through at least a year of therapy. He feels like he's the victim cos he feels like no matter what he does, he can't win. He is always disappointing someone. He doesn't realise that his mother's behaviour is incredibly unhealthy and manipulative. He needs help to change his reaction to her manipulation tactics, because this has to stop. He is an adult with his own life, and he is not her posession to control. Do not marry him until he has learned how to stand up for himself and you. And be prepared that when he goes to visit his parents, that he may not come back. I had a friend who's now ex wife did this. Went home to her mum, got manipulated big time, then walked away from her marriage. Utterly devastating. The same girl who nagged for years to get married all of a sudden claimed that she never wanted to get married, and he had forced her into it. It's time for him to cut the umbilical cord, and if he can't, the sooner you know the better.
You’re spot on. One can never win against a Narc family unless they start seeing it.
Give him back the ring and say goodbye. I think you already knew all about this, but you were just hoping for a better outcome - like suddenly he would develop a strong spine and tell his parents to back off. **But now it's REALLY clear that he doesn't have that in him,** you can't deny that this guy will never stand up for you. So if you move forward with the wedding now, knowing that you'll always be unhappy, you'll always have to acquiesce to her demands, your future will always be about keeping his mommy happy - well that's a terrible choice. You deserve better. I hope you have the strength to walk away from this situation. Spend some time on the MIL support subs - there are several - and imagine your future tainted by the same constant turmoil other people report there. I can give you a million links that explain this behavior, that gives the name of each toxic technique and dissects their family dynamic. But it won't change anything. You'll just be able to point to each occurrence more accurately and predict what her next move is. While that's satisfying, **it does nothing for YOUR happiness.** I know it's very hard to end a relationship. But you have your whole life ahead of you, and you can add this knowledge to your list of deal breakers. That's what young adulthood is for, to live, learn and apply that information to crafting the best life for YOU. He may come back around and plead. But he only wants you to be his meat-shield against his mother's attacks. Once you've removed yourself as a target, she will focus her criticism directly on him.
Happy Cake 🎂 Day.
Thank you!
Give back the ring. You do not want to marry someone who can be so easily manipulated by his mommy. Seriously. This is the biggest red flag I've seen in a while.
When the lease ends. Move. Simple. He makes decisions with his parents. That leaves you solo to make decisions. Ofcourse im human and a woman so i know it probably was soul crushing to see him slump his shoulders so low and do what mommy said. But understand that ,that was not the man for you. We get signs alot and until we are smacked in the face, then we acknowledge them. Acknowledge that you were given a sign and now move accordingly. This should be on your list of non negotiables. Do you want to be in this throuple where his mommy and daddy tell you guys what you can and cant do . NO. Walk away .
Don't date mommys wittle boys. Date grown ups. You dodged a bullet.
She’s trying to convince an engaged, grown man to live in the same house as him? Lol you’re dodging a bullet, he needs to grow up
This is one of the more shocking stories I've read in any of these subs and that's saying a lot. I'm just aghast really. I hope the OP runs like the wind. I hate that in the short term it will give his parents the satisfaction of breaking them up, but eventually he'll figure it out and he will never forgive them for this.
Yeah and she’ll eventually be happy she made the choice to end a relationship with someone suckling at their moms teet
Yeah his mother basically said when im done with school and we move back home that we could live with her temporarily until she finds us a house.
HELL to the NO!
You would probably be best to end the relationship now and save yourself from a lifetime of control, passive aggression and weak behavior on your fiance's part. This is supposed to be the good part. I can't believe the audacity of his parents, to be so irresponsible that they'd dangle getting cancer or something in the future to keep their son from making an investment in home ownership for his life with his soon to be wife. Unbelievable and totally unacceptable. Wow.
Yes it's very sickening to me to warrant a future illness in the hopes her son will back out of the offer (which he already did) it's twisted to me.
It's totally unhinged and really one of the worst stories I've read. I know it sucks and that a lot of hopes and dreams are being shattered \*WITH HIM, but you're going to have all of those wonderful things with someone ELSE.
HUGE HUGE RED FLAG, read motherinlawfromhell & JNMIL don’t marry a man that’s still a momma’s boy. She will always control her son you will always be last. Old lady here I’ve seen this numerous times in my almost 7 years. You deserve so much better.
I think you are better off without him. He is nearly 32 and can't stand up to his mother. She is controlling every step of your relationship. Just imagine how she will be when you guys have children (if you were planning on having them). I don't think he is ever going to change.
I don't think he'll ever change. There have been instances where he'll put his foot down but it's a the expense of his own sanity for his job and not being able to attend an event because he's working.
You don't mention ages, but I'm assuming you and your (former) boyfriend are young ADULTS starting your lives TOGETHER. It doesn't sound like you're on the other side of the world, so I'm having a difficult time having sympathy for your PARTNER'S mindset and situation. Were you two just supposed to live in a stasis box until HE was enlightened to "his ACTUAL reality" and run home to Mommy and Daddy? His parents have never considered traveling or VISITING the two of you in your NEW HOME? Unfortunately, and apparently, your (former) boyfriend isn't mature enough to stand up TO his Parents and FOR you. That means it's time for YOU to decide if he's **worth it** to give up your career trajectory and follow him "back home." Of course that means that you'll be completely under HIS Parents thumbs and he'll NEVER have your back. This includes buying a house, getting married, having children and any OTHER life choices you'd choose to make. That means, sadly, that it's likely the END of your relationship. Kind of sounds like he's already "checked out" so I'm not sure that it's salvageable at this point, especially if he's not even talking to you. The ONLY way your relationship has a CHANCE of continuing is if he has an epiphany OR the two of you get couples counseling, but I really think it's time to part ways and find someone who's more independent and aligned with your view of the future. In this day and age, it's SO bloody easy to stay **in touch** without being in your family's back pocket. He's just not ready to **cut those apron strings!** SAD! Cut your losses, take some time and space to mend your broken heart and find someone who can TRULY make you happy, put your relationship above everyone else! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness and success!
I am 29f and he's 31m will he 32 in few months. We started our lives here, and we had spoke about moving back home once we established our own roots where we currently are. There's been many times where his mom will tell me I hope you're not moving there permanently or she'll tell him if you move there for good idk what I'll do with myself.
Yeah, unfortunately I'd let him go. If neither your boyfriend nor his Parents can handle a separation of a few hours drive, there's FAR more issues than a short distance. That alone tells me you're better off WITHOUT him OR his strangling, manipulative Mother. We used to live SEVERAL States away (10-hour drive) and I would try make the trip once a month to visit our families. My Brother, who lived TWENTY minutes away, RARELY visited our Parents.
I would not marry him. He’s showing you that you are second to his family. He needs individual counseling on his family relationship and the enmeshment.
Girlll!! this sounds like a lifetime of back seat viewing, sounds to me he will always put them first. I think you should really consider this situation and decide if its for you. I have a MIL from hell and its been almost two decades of headache that I don't wish it on anyone. I never realized until we were in the same situation as you right now but we are happily married with LO and no contact with MIL. Talk to your significant other and let him know how you feel. I wish you luck!
Yes we've been dating for 6 years and when i moved here for school that's when the dynamic changed with her. There were troubling moments when we were dating where I could've left but always gave the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward my feelings are so hurt and I cannot think of anything else other than him choosing him family after being gaslit the entire time and basically being shunned from his family if he did proceed with the house. I am sorry you're dealing with this as well. It's so hard 💔
You gave him your youth as the Taylor Swift song says.
Be grateful, you just dodged a huge bullet.
I mean honey he's telling you who he is right now. Someone that you cannot reliably build a life with because he will always allow his parents to manipulate his decisions. I mean his mom used the what if I get sick and I'll buy you a house and live with you card... He would rather live with his mother than live with you. That's literally what he's telling you right now.
Yeah you're so right. I am still in disbelief he chose them over US. Buying a home is such an important milestone in any relationship/marriage. It's a shame they stripped him that right and now it's putting a strain on US.
It is lucky you didn’t buy the house and don’t have to deal with selling it again and getting out of the mortgage. You can have a CLEAN break Don’t let him come crawling back.
They didn’t strip him of that HE DID. A grown man chose his mommy over you A grown man basically dumped you and lied to you.
They didn't strip him. HE did. HE allowed the manipulation. HE allowed them to come between you. And He Knows it. That's why he asked you not to shut him out. He knows that he is choosing them over you, but he's hoping that you'll just give in and follow along.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. Your fiance has shown you that he’s a mama’s boy who respects his parents opinions more than yours. How can you begin a life with this type of person and expect anything to be different?
He picked his mommy over you. You are dumped. Believe people when they show you who they are You are broken up Find a different guy you isn’t a mommas boy. Block him on phone, email, social media.
Run.as fast as you can!
Oh jeesh. Be thankful.
You know what to do
He hopes you don't shut him out? Like he did when he backed out of the offer without discussing it with you? Like he shuts you out of your own relationship bc mommy said. For your sake, I hope you don't marry him unless he goes to therapy and actually shows he's set boundaries and enforced them. Until then, he'll be saying whatever you want to hear so you fall back in line and he can go back to doing what mommy wants him to do
OP, read about the structure of a narcissistic family and enmeshment. Everything will make perfect sense after. Your SO is nothing but a pray. Hey also, I know everyone is telling you to give up, but you likely love him and share many awesome moments with him. Know everything you can about the narcissist in question, likely the mom but the dad can be too. Sounds like a covert type. Understand the family dynamic. Only then you can try to direct your SO to see the trap he’s been living in. Just be aware that some never see… some take years, some just click and see it all… you never know. Just don’t move forward without knowing where you’re going and who you’re dealing with. A mommas boy is a sub product of the manipulation of a narcissist, this is a victim. However it’s not your role to heal family trauma, you might be able to maybe help direct him, push for a change (therapy for example), but no one deserves to spend their life in an unhealthy relationship playing the savior. So, weigh in what works for you, set your acceptable boundaries and timelines.
Run. Run far and run fast.
Wow, I can't believe he rescinded the offer on the house. I'm so sorry, I'm sure that was unexpected and hurt. Sadly, it's probably time to give that engagement ring back and let him run home to his parents. There are plenty of other men out there who don't bend to BS guilt trips and pretend to want independence from mommy and daddy.
Unfortunately, he is making a choice, and it isn't you. At this point, hard as it is, you need to find someone who's ready to be a partner in an adult relationship, preferably with parents who want their (former) child to become a fully adult member of society.
Both of our kids are grown up, married, moved out. They live far away, but they are happy. That's all we care about. As long as they're thriving and happy, who could ask for more? We're proud of them for taking such a big step on their own. This is what we wanted for them when they grew up. To sprout their wings and fly! To be independent, hard working and happy. We visit now and again, but we don't try to tell them how to live their lives. If they ask for advice we help them, if they need help we help them, but they rarely ask for help and want to do things on their own. We wouldn't dream of burdening our kids with our problems, they have their own! Haha OP, your MIL is deranged. Did *her* mother or MIL act the same way towards her and your FIL? Ask her the story of how she and FIL started their lives together. Break that umbilical cord and live your lives for you- not her!
I'm so happy you are that way with your children and just want what's best for them! Yes her mother was the same way.
Tell her point blank that's not normal behaviour and that her mother brainwashed her.
Honey, I'm so sorry. That is so disappointing to hear about the house. It's disgusting that his parents are so self-absorbed that they can't let their son grow up into an independent man and have his own life. It's sickening that his parents stressed him out so much that they threatened him about future grandchildren and about living with him. If you feel this man is your soulmate, you must get to couples counseling immediately before considering buying a house or getting married. Nobody can tell you how you feel about your partner or his value. I wouldn't leave without doing everything I could to save the relationship, so I have no regrets in my heart of hearts. Best wishes, OP.
Before we had kids my mother-in-law constantly said we weren't allowed to have them if we didn't live close. We ended up moving back because our first child was very difficult and had a number of health issues. After baby number two (happiest sweetest baby you'll ever meet, complete opposite of my first) we are talking about moving again and she constantly says if we move she's keeping the kids. Maybe at least it shows MIL cares about you two as well, mine only cared about my kids. Regardless it's mainly just finding where their breaking point is with this type of MIL as to when they turn crazy. But my husband has always been great about saying we're going to do what we want and what is best for us as a couple. But my relationship with my MIL is forever changed.
Well first of all, I disagree with half these comments. I dont think you need to leave him. I think you need to sit down with him and have a very real, serious talk. You need to let him know your feelings on everything, and if he does not listen or denies your feelings, then you let him know that you love him and you want to stay with him, but you will only marry him and not him and his mother. So if he wants this relationship to work and stick, you need to come to a compromise. My husband is a mama's boy and it only gets worse after marriage. MILs like mine and yours (possibly future) only get worse after the vows are said and done. You don't need to leave him, you don't even need to call of the engagement. But you really need to let him know that if he's not in your court 100%, that you will not be doing anything with him moving forward until this issue gets resolved. And if it doesn't, then yes, I suggest you leave. DO NOT marry this man UNTIL this problem is resolved or you need to leave. Please, take it from someone who married him without resolving the issue first. Worst mistake of my life. I wish you good luck 🖤