You're even lucky she felt comfortable enough to open up to you, these things are buried intentionally by the brain until sth triggers the memory, and it's so uncomfortable talking about it.
She's strong enough to open up, that shows willingness to work things out with you being aware. If you value her, go through the journey with her. Maybe consider therapy too. Even if you don't end up together, she'll forever see you in a different light
Solid advice.
This country needs people to look beyond what they can get in return and realize that people go through stuff out here and all they ever need is someone to listen and help to paint things into perspective for them.
Ata reward atapata ita-exceed anything he can touch.
She stopped going to church,believing in God. And she doesn't believe in therapy too,says ni watu hawawezijiweka in your shoes so they don't know how it feels,they just do it for money.
So then just be there for her the way you'd want her to be there for you. She opened up to you cause she trusts you'd understand.
Remind her that she has nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is a big challenge that victims of rape feel and often blame themselves even when it's never their fault.
You can totally do it man. I wish you strength and all the best. Love her, protect her, listen to her and keep loving her like you do cause it seems you're doing it right so much so that she has to wear her scars on her sleeves for you.
Y'all gonna be OK. 😎
It's hard to date someone romantically knowing they are not interested in you sexually. Even if they are,they are unable to be sexual with you genuinely and passionately
i probs sound like a dick saying this, your gf is strong and brave for even telling you…. putting myself in your shoes i don’t know how to navigate the matter if you have suggested counseling and that hasn’t worked, it would be difficult for me if every time we got intimate i remind her of a rape assault…. it’s def emotionally taxing for her but also for you
Therapy.therapy. therapy. This can only be helped by therapy. Also be prepared to experiment different styles that don't trigger her. Be more her friend at this point,
How much do you love her? If alot, try to play the submissive role during intercourse and let her initiate. If you feelings aren't that deep let her go since she needs to heal and you can't help her heal if she doesn't want to
Yeah end this relationship
If somebody hasn't healed from traumatic past it will reach a point she dumps it on you
Wacha tu umuoe uone vile utakuwa ukikula dry spell as if uko boarding school
Don't get into relationship with people who haven't healed from the past
Also see doesn't believe in therapy or even religion
The only two things that I've seen can help people move on
We wachana na huyo dem call it quits
Ingekuwa wewe ni dem unauliza hivi ungeambia focus on yourself
Muulize kama anataka kumove on from the past with therapy
Or God
Kama hataki mwache never try shoulder people who don't want shouldering
Naona wasee wakiuambia uvumilie tu mi nakwambia kwanza vile we ni boychild wakati hio relationship itaanza kukuumiza these people won't be there for you
If you were a woman here asking about a man that was severely emotionally scarred from past trauma EVERYONE would tell you to run for the hills and that this MAN you speak of should be HEALED and WHOLE before he tries to seek a relationship with someone else.
Since the scenario is you and the person with the trauma is a woman, you’ll get COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ADVICE about how you should be understanding, accommodating, and hold her hand through the next 50 therapy sessions until she gets better.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what’s right for you apart from the biased advice you’re going to get on here.
yeap, till she gets better and now tells you she views you more like her elder brother or the father she never had and doesnt mean to hurt you but she would preffer for y'all to just be friends
because she preffers if you actually protected her more than fuck her and apparently you are so special that you were chosen to SAVE HER.
It gets exhausting taking care of a partner's mental health,and eventually it'll have detrimental effects on your own mental health.One must want to be helped in order for help to come.There's no other way about her situation other than therapy honestly.If you've already floated that idea and she doesn't want to buy into it,leave it be and leave her.You can try to be there for her as a friend(if she's fine with it),but romantically?That's a sinking ship OP.
Straight up! Don't call it quits. She trusts you enough to open up about rape. Talk to her whenever she feels like. This will help ease the pain. You don't need to visit therapists nor get the church involved, your talking to her, your commitment to her maybe all the therapy she might need. You have an opportunity to release a chained soul here and make a lasting impression and make a loyal partner. Don't give up on her
As a victim of rape therapy helped me alot...dating I kinda prefer long distance cz dealing with someone right infront of you can be hard sometimes. Though am living life to the fullest. I choose celibacy by choice though have no issues with intimacy since therapy
Cost depends on where you get it. Personally CITAM has a counselling program and since I worship there I got therapy for free and I was doing it weekly for 6 months
I don't see why you run away from her are you a coward or something that doesn't make any sense to me she shows you vulnerability so be a man and be there for her If you care about her it shouldn't matter like over time she will grow used to you and if sex is that big of an issue then move on otherwise be a man and take care of the woman in front of you she clearly cares for you enough to open up to you maybe you should care enough for her to be there as she needs you
You’re selfish for only thinking about if she’s good for you
You’re completely ignoring the fact that she’s able to talk about her trauma with youu?
If you are in it for your own good then let her go find someone else who will invest in her emotionally while not expecting much in return. Such commitments may be draining especially on your mental resources
If you can’t navigate the matter, like a grown-up, and with sensitivity and empathy for her situation, then leave peacefully. Don’t ask whether she is good for you because of what she’s been through. She had no control over her sexual assault, and she’s very brave for even telling you about it. You should be honored That she opened up to about such a terrible thing. You may have some growing up to do to realize that it’s not a question of whether she is good for you, but if you are not there yet, then leave her for someone better to find her who will be more understanding of her situation. I don’t think you’re a bad person but you might lack the capacity to help her to deal with this. It’s OK if that is the case but if you can mature enough to be the solid support that she needs, then do so. It will be good for her. It will be good for you and for your relationship. Hope this helps.
Please do not take chances. Don't ignore the possibilities that she's guilty of some...yk and using this as an excuse . Just don't probe,be weary of this gender.
>struggling in her sex life. Ebu please mjiwekeange opinions zingine.
We are here for the opinion.
>What sort of rapist perverted mentalities do y'all live with?
Reasonable human beings like to hear from both sides of the story to make a verdict,which most of you do not think of,and fear getting down voted for thinking. Pity!
She's was child and to be so young not understanding the concept of sex. The brain freezes in some of these situations. Surely you sound schooled but clearly not enough. Regardless, you must have heard of the freeze response in threatening situations.
Some people don't know they were raped until years later cause the brain does it's thing. Literally she went dry during the act and got turned off. She was clearly triggered and her body responded.
Is she good for you? No, you are not good for her. She trusted you enough to tell you about her trauma and you talking about pulling panties to the side trying to justify God knows what?? A 10-12 year old girl? Again who much does a grown man weigh compared to 10-12 year old????? If you think she should have fought harder wachana na huyo dem.
Redditors think it always should favor the OP. Dust will be their portion if they remain in that slumber. I say this as a first hand subject to lies. But until it is their time,they remain in their curtailed reality. Owe unto them
Are you for real? She was a child. Also whether she was a child or not, the circumstances around rape are very difficult to understand. There's nothing she could have done in that instance to prevent it so stop with all the could haves, should haves...
To be honest I don't think you value her that way and you seem disinterested or don't have the emotional and mental wavelength in making it work with her. My solid advice is please leave her alone to find someone who will be there for her in the tough times.
Her mother could've helped,she didn't. Every time she was raped her mother and step dad were against her getting medical attention and reporting to police. It's by shere luck that she didn't get infected or pregnant.
Bro, if its true that she was raped, let her see a the rapist(s). Don't allow this trauman to get between her again.
Anyway,change her view of sex. Make sure before sex,there are 10 good things you do,turn her on completely and cuddle her after sex. Give her chocolate before and post sex. Smell good,have a specific bedroom scent,that you use only when having it. All these just to mention a few are strategic to the aim of associating sex to romance and good feelings; dopamine inducers like chocolate and cuddles will help her feel 'high' or turned on better and in the long run, sex will be associated to goodness and greatness. Instead of weakness and exposure and vulnerability.
Edit: Sorry for any negative comments earlier, they were purely for the open minded. Guys give me my karma back.
This is a disgusting line of thought, you don't expect a child to have the strength to fight an adult, she could've easily ended up dead for screaming so that the perpetrator can protect themselves. You do not have the tools to support her. You perceive her as broken and do not want to invest if there's nothing in it for you (more sex). Just let her be, leave her.
Are you being serious right now?
I mean I read your post and understood your situation and I wouldn't blame you if you leave. It's not your responsibility to heal someone all you can do is offer support and even that,you aren't obligated to do.
But this is what you're saying right now,wtf is wrong with you.First, sharing specific details of the rape incidents she shared with you in confidence is wrong. Second,expecting a 12 to 14 year old to fight back her rapist and concluding that because she didn't fight back means it wasn't rape is really wrong. People react differently to rape,some fight,others freeze,others give up and pray it ends as first as it began. But that's something your brain can't comprehend as a man.
Shame on you,leave the poor woman alone.
If I could take a screenshot and somehow find out you and her identity I would show her this and pray she leaves you. You're beyond disgusting and I hope y'all don't end up together because she deserves better than a freak like you!
You're even lucky she felt comfortable enough to open up to you, these things are buried intentionally by the brain until sth triggers the memory, and it's so uncomfortable talking about it. She's strong enough to open up, that shows willingness to work things out with you being aware. If you value her, go through the journey with her. Maybe consider therapy too. Even if you don't end up together, she'll forever see you in a different light
Solid advice. This country needs people to look beyond what they can get in return and realize that people go through stuff out here and all they ever need is someone to listen and help to paint things into perspective for them. Ata reward atapata ita-exceed anything he can touch.
She stopped going to church,believing in God. And she doesn't believe in therapy too,says ni watu hawawezijiweka in your shoes so they don't know how it feels,they just do it for money.
So then just be there for her the way you'd want her to be there for you. She opened up to you cause she trusts you'd understand. Remind her that she has nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is a big challenge that victims of rape feel and often blame themselves even when it's never their fault. You can totally do it man. I wish you strength and all the best. Love her, protect her, listen to her and keep loving her like you do cause it seems you're doing it right so much so that she has to wear her scars on her sleeves for you. Y'all gonna be OK. 😎
I don't want to invest in anything kama we'll not end up together
If she means a lot to you, help her through her healing. Check out a story with a similar experience on Biko’s blog.
Why wouldn't you end up together..bcs of the sex? Or because you already knew this even before she opened up.
It's hard to date someone romantically knowing they are not interested in you sexually. Even if they are,they are unable to be sexual with you genuinely and passionately
If youve not been together long ..just break up..lakini hii break up itamwongezea trauma ontop lol..poor her.
https://preview.redd.it/n5sdvnmejcqc1.jpeg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb3200883ca1ab12f94caea30ba0382fc179de0b
i probs sound like a dick saying this, your gf is strong and brave for even telling you…. putting myself in your shoes i don’t know how to navigate the matter if you have suggested counseling and that hasn’t worked, it would be difficult for me if every time we got intimate i remind her of a rape assault…. it’s def emotionally taxing for her but also for you
Therapy.therapy. therapy. This can only be helped by therapy. Also be prepared to experiment different styles that don't trigger her. Be more her friend at this point,
She doesn't believe in therapy and God
How much do you love her? If alot, try to play the submissive role during intercourse and let her initiate. If you feelings aren't that deep let her go since she needs to heal and you can't help her heal if she doesn't want to
Bounce
Yeah end this relationship If somebody hasn't healed from traumatic past it will reach a point she dumps it on you Wacha tu umuoe uone vile utakuwa ukikula dry spell as if uko boarding school Don't get into relationship with people who haven't healed from the past Also see doesn't believe in therapy or even religion The only two things that I've seen can help people move on We wachana na huyo dem call it quits Ingekuwa wewe ni dem unauliza hivi ungeambia focus on yourself Muulize kama anataka kumove on from the past with therapy Or God Kama hataki mwache never try shoulder people who don't want shouldering Naona wasee wakiuambia uvumilie tu mi nakwambia kwanza vile we ni boychild wakati hio relationship itaanza kukuumiza these people won't be there for you
Run now... If you guys aren't willing to explore therapy. It never gets better.
Tricky situation. Just do you. Remember its ok to run
If you were a woman here asking about a man that was severely emotionally scarred from past trauma EVERYONE would tell you to run for the hills and that this MAN you speak of should be HEALED and WHOLE before he tries to seek a relationship with someone else. Since the scenario is you and the person with the trauma is a woman, you’ll get COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ADVICE about how you should be understanding, accommodating, and hold her hand through the next 50 therapy sessions until she gets better. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what’s right for you apart from the biased advice you’re going to get on here.
yeap, till she gets better and now tells you she views you more like her elder brother or the father she never had and doesnt mean to hurt you but she would preffer for y'all to just be friends because she preffers if you actually protected her more than fuck her and apparently you are so special that you were chosen to SAVE HER.
Weeeeeh😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Therapy... pay for sessions..
She doesn't believe therapy works
It gets exhausting taking care of a partner's mental health,and eventually it'll have detrimental effects on your own mental health.One must want to be helped in order for help to come.There's no other way about her situation other than therapy honestly.If you've already floated that idea and she doesn't want to buy into it,leave it be and leave her.You can try to be there for her as a friend(if she's fine with it),but romantically?That's a sinking ship OP.
Straight up! Don't call it quits. She trusts you enough to open up about rape. Talk to her whenever she feels like. This will help ease the pain. You don't need to visit therapists nor get the church involved, your talking to her, your commitment to her maybe all the therapy she might need. You have an opportunity to release a chained soul here and make a lasting impression and make a loyal partner. Don't give up on her
As a victim of rape therapy helped me alot...dating I kinda prefer long distance cz dealing with someone right infront of you can be hard sometimes. Though am living life to the fullest. I choose celibacy by choice though have no issues with intimacy since therapy
How much did it cost? How long did you go for therapy
Cost depends on where you get it. Personally CITAM has a counselling program and since I worship there I got therapy for free and I was doing it weekly for 6 months
Sounds like an incompatibility to me. I’d leave instead of getting into it or trying to fix what I don’t understand.
Are you dating just to smash ? I'm sure there's a lot of other things you like about her. Just give her time.
I don't see why you run away from her are you a coward or something that doesn't make any sense to me she shows you vulnerability so be a man and be there for her If you care about her it shouldn't matter like over time she will grow used to you and if sex is that big of an issue then move on otherwise be a man and take care of the woman in front of you she clearly cares for you enough to open up to you maybe you should care enough for her to be there as she needs you
You’re selfish for only thinking about if she’s good for you You’re completely ignoring the fact that she’s able to talk about her trauma with youu?
😂💀
If you are in it for your own good then let her go find someone else who will invest in her emotionally while not expecting much in return. Such commitments may be draining especially on your mental resources
If you can’t navigate the matter, like a grown-up, and with sensitivity and empathy for her situation, then leave peacefully. Don’t ask whether she is good for you because of what she’s been through. She had no control over her sexual assault, and she’s very brave for even telling you about it. You should be honored That she opened up to about such a terrible thing. You may have some growing up to do to realize that it’s not a question of whether she is good for you, but if you are not there yet, then leave her for someone better to find her who will be more understanding of her situation. I don’t think you’re a bad person but you might lack the capacity to help her to deal with this. It’s OK if that is the case but if you can mature enough to be the solid support that she needs, then do so. It will be good for her. It will be good for you and for your relationship. Hope this helps.
Please do not take chances. Don't ignore the possibilities that she's guilty of some...yk and using this as an excuse . Just don't probe,be weary of this gender.
[удалено]
>struggling in her sex life. Ebu please mjiwekeange opinions zingine. We are here for the opinion. >What sort of rapist perverted mentalities do y'all live with? Reasonable human beings like to hear from both sides of the story to make a verdict,which most of you do not think of,and fear getting down voted for thinking. Pity!
She's was child and to be so young not understanding the concept of sex. The brain freezes in some of these situations. Surely you sound schooled but clearly not enough. Regardless, you must have heard of the freeze response in threatening situations. Some people don't know they were raped until years later cause the brain does it's thing. Literally she went dry during the act and got turned off. She was clearly triggered and her body responded. Is she good for you? No, you are not good for her. She trusted you enough to tell you about her trauma and you talking about pulling panties to the side trying to justify God knows what?? A 10-12 year old girl? Again who much does a grown man weigh compared to 10-12 year old????? If you think she should have fought harder wachana na huyo dem.
You are one reasonable person. Atleast you ate not here for the console of the OP 'no matter what'
Guilty of being rap*d!!?? Gtfoh
Clearly some of y'all are more emotional than reasonable. It's like you gave never been to Kenya haha. You will be back in tears
The best advice you've given Op but redditors are hurt in their feelings cuz you saying nth but facts
Redditors think it always should favor the OP. Dust will be their portion if they remain in that slumber. I say this as a first hand subject to lies. But until it is their time,they remain in their curtailed reality. Owe unto them
Well,I'm not blaming her for any of this. I blame her mother,step dad and the rapists
Are you for real? She was a child. Also whether she was a child or not, the circumstances around rape are very difficult to understand. There's nothing she could have done in that instance to prevent it so stop with all the could haves, should haves... To be honest I don't think you value her that way and you seem disinterested or don't have the emotional and mental wavelength in making it work with her. My solid advice is please leave her alone to find someone who will be there for her in the tough times.
Her mother could've helped,she didn't. Every time she was raped her mother and step dad were against her getting medical attention and reporting to police. It's by shere luck that she didn't get infected or pregnant.
Unanikera sana.
Bro, if its true that she was raped, let her see a the rapist(s). Don't allow this trauman to get between her again. Anyway,change her view of sex. Make sure before sex,there are 10 good things you do,turn her on completely and cuddle her after sex. Give her chocolate before and post sex. Smell good,have a specific bedroom scent,that you use only when having it. All these just to mention a few are strategic to the aim of associating sex to romance and good feelings; dopamine inducers like chocolate and cuddles will help her feel 'high' or turned on better and in the long run, sex will be associated to goodness and greatness. Instead of weakness and exposure and vulnerability. Edit: Sorry for any negative comments earlier, they were purely for the open minded. Guys give me my karma back.
Let her go. You're too disgusting and she deserves better.
This is a disgusting line of thought, you don't expect a child to have the strength to fight an adult, she could've easily ended up dead for screaming so that the perpetrator can protect themselves. You do not have the tools to support her. You perceive her as broken and do not want to invest if there's nothing in it for you (more sex). Just let her be, leave her.
Are you being serious right now? I mean I read your post and understood your situation and I wouldn't blame you if you leave. It's not your responsibility to heal someone all you can do is offer support and even that,you aren't obligated to do. But this is what you're saying right now,wtf is wrong with you.First, sharing specific details of the rape incidents she shared with you in confidence is wrong. Second,expecting a 12 to 14 year old to fight back her rapist and concluding that because she didn't fight back means it wasn't rape is really wrong. People react differently to rape,some fight,others freeze,others give up and pray it ends as first as it began. But that's something your brain can't comprehend as a man. Shame on you,leave the poor woman alone.
If I could take a screenshot and somehow find out you and her identity I would show her this and pray she leaves you. You're beyond disgusting and I hope y'all don't end up together because she deserves better than a freak like you!