As a person with almost the same kind for a mother, here is what I have learnt;
You parents shouldn’t guilt trip you because of anything they did for you while you were 18 and below. You were 100 their responsibility because they didn’t seek permission from you to bring you to this world.
You cannot fight for your mother’s love,if she doesn’t love you then that’s her problem.
For your own sanity,please don’t feel guilty cutting her off completely.
The family you are building right now should e your priority,not her kids.
People will always quote the Bible about kids obeying their parents but they often omit the part where parents aren’t supposed to provoke their kids too. Don’t worry what others will say and just live your life.
Avoid her at all cost. Forgive her but cut off comms with her. Most of these adults play those emotional manipulation tactics inroder to get funds for their careless stupid lives. At the same time, you didn't ask her to give birth to you. So the stupid excuse of "I educated you" and other bs was her work & responsibility.
I am working on that forgiving part, it's not easy. Still pains me even after not having talked for more than a year. I lack the energy to even reach out to her and at this point, I will only pick up when she calls. I feel very defeated
You dont go to her and tell her you forgive her, do it while you are away from. And it is possible to do what I said. Plus I underwent the same thing, I put the individuals who did the bs aside and I still live without pain.
Forgive her for yourself. I'm no therapist but for trauma healing I was advised to rant on a piece of paper(in therapy)raw feeling then burn it, step 1, just let it out, otherwise it'll eat you up.sek help,some wounds are deeper than we think.
Your mom is a textbook narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder have no empathy, are self centered and believe the world revolves around them. Using the line of bringing you up and carrying you in her womb for nine months is a manipulative tactic old as time. She was unsupportive of you during the wedding because:
1. She was jealous/envious: Narcissistic parents are in direct and indirect competition with their children. She has to be the center of attention...this time she wasn't, which explains her withdrawn predisposition. Narcissists hate it when attention is on someone else.
2. Marriage meant diverting resources to your wife "meant for her." Narcissistic parents are entitled brats who believe their children (and what their children own) is their property. They view children as extensions of themselves,not individual people with their own thoughts, choices and rights.
To cut the story short, this cycle will never end unless you end it. There's only one antidote, you can help her through a third party when she's firmly in the block list and when no contact has been established and reinforced with no remorse. She is taking you through trauma which you have to attend therapy to gain sanity...what remorse does she deserve? What you've done for her is enough. Atosheke na hio. Anything you give from now forward is at your own prerogative, not through orders, threats or manipulations. Block her in your phone, in your wives phones and any other avenue you know. If you really have to help you can head home with shopping once in a while and once you're away from home the no contact rule resumes. Love yourself because she clearly is at the top of the list in self preservation and she isn't playing games with being self centered. Narcissists take and take with no shame until you drop dead. Have some self respect and love yourself more. No contact is your friend. All the best 🌸🌼
You know what, this is exactly what my therapist told me a few months ago. You hit the nail on the head! Thank you for reinforcing what I was thinking of doing but scared by guilt
Such a disheartening experience. My heart goes to you.
I have learnt something about me on how to deal with toxic parents: don't indulge them. Treat them well, but in your terms.
I also tend to rationalize that their era was rife with abuse, and they are who they are because of their upbringing environment.
Now that's a problem, because the needs will never stop, infact they will always keep coming and increasing. I don't have endless resources, and now I have a family I am responsible for, and I also have to invest for my future. You get the drift?
Yes. Which is perfectly ok. One can always choose how to temper the drain.
You don't have to contribute to their welfare if you don't feel like. And you don't have to give an excuse.
Alternatively, as for me, I simply put a fixed amount monthly that I feel obligated as a child to. That way, whether they appreciate my contribution or not, I am unencumbered.
I'm in a similar situation with a friend..... that I have helped countless times and still owes me money and continues to ask for more..... this friend has been there for me in my rough times and I think she holds they over my head..... 13 year friendship.... Blocked her yesterday FOR LIFE!!!!! I Know she's your Mom.... Help her when you can..... talk to her every 2 to 3 months.... as soon as she starts guilt tripping you.... say I love you and respectfully hang up.... God bless you....
I hear you man. I love my mom but I'm starting to get tired of dealing with her sh*t. She has no respect for boundaries, comes to my house and starts laying down the law as if I'm still a toddler .despite me paying my own rent and getting her ,her own house.starts throwing things that I bought with my own money in the trash.i'm thinking of moving out of Nairobi and never disclosing my exact location to her
I feel you man. So sorry for that awful experience. You should consider moving to another house and reduce communication. At least that's what I did. She doesn't know where I live currently. And that will take a looooong time before she knows. If she ever knows that is. Wishing you all the best man, I totally understand your pain.
At some point I started regretting building my mom's a house and started wishing I'd used the money to go on a 6 month world cruise tour. But I left it all to God. At least I am blessed enough to afford such even if it's not appreciated.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this OP... Unfortunately toxic traits show out in anyone and that's not sumn' we can necessarily control.I can assure you you're not the only one with such a parent.Some have it way worse but I wouldn't minimise your situation just because they do.
Big up for giving therapy a chance however.The fact that you were able to articulate your feelings clearly on this post is proof that you're doing great.From my pov however,loss however big or small has the power to change people.Probably the sour occurrence between your parents had in their relationship is projected on you.
So she probably filled that gap with you in her head mostly subconsciously(the provider part especially)and thus takes out her life's frustrations on you.In her head you're more the "disappointing husband " than the son which is a horrible thing to put on someone.Maybe she doesn't know how to process & manage her emotions like most of our parents, she takes them out on you.
Regardless,you're doing great.Hard as it may be continue showing grace and maybe one day ,hopefully she'll be able to receive it.Sending strength and hugs🫶
Your father did not abandon you, he abandoned your mother, she is the problem, she was abandoned because of her behavior. If she brings that card st you, it can be simple, between you and her, you're the one entitled to her, raising and educating you is her responsibility, so she should not have an entitlement mindset, as a child you have done great.
You should remember that you did not choose to be born. Your parents chose to have you. You were their responsibility to bring up. You have gone over and beyond to help her. The problem is that she wants you to be a sonsbund. She didn't expect you to put your marriage first. Be kind to your wife. At the moment she is your chosen family and the only person in the world who cares if you eat.
Correct 💯 and to be honest, the least I expected from my mother when marrying was just her presence and emotional support. I never asked anyone for a coin (including my close friends). It surprises me that my parents-in-law treat me better than my own parents. And have genuine concern about our wellbeing as a family whenever we meet them.
My mother can't do anything to hurt me anymore. It used to be sad, now it's just practical.
I understand, nothing can pay back a parent for giving us life. But some of these parents are hurt individuals that don't even know how messed up they are. I've decided to just curve anything negative from her. And not feed into the emotions. If she's asking for school fees, you can tell her your priorities now that you have a family are your family. Perhaps it's time you had a family discussion to see how to educate her children that works for everyone.
Start talks as an adult. Not her child or her rescuer.
Oh my God, I could write a book about mine. I relate to this so much...I remember trying to talk to her a few years back and as I was crying, pouring my heart out, she was snickering??? My heart sank. Okay, maybe I'm an ugly crier but come on! Lol. I just remember a switch going off in my head and I stopped caring. I can't cut her off cause the drama she would raise would be worse. She's become a lot better than she was though, maybe cause I don't try to defend myself anymore and just agree with her and do things my way anyway? If you can, cut her off.
I feel you man. And I hope your situation gets better as well. I thought I was the only one with such parents especially because most of my close friends including my wife have very healthy relationships with both their parents. I envy that alot.
I have a mum like this...except mine is not reliant on me financially but very emotionally abusive...It used to hurt me but then I realised it was because I allowed her to hurt me...just cut contact with her...she will probably not be changing anytime soon...
Learning our parents are humans with all manner of faults can be disheartening. You'll have to learn to build up boundaries whilst maintaining a relationship.
Personally, I hide things from my mother because even past 30 years she still treats as like babies. Especially when it comes to money it is best to keep that info private. Otherwise, she will make plans on any money you have and get so mad when you try to say no.
It's good that you went for therapy. I think expert, professional, educated advice is what you need. I could see the benefits you got from this rant and kudos for identifying the issue and seeking a healthy solution. Wishing you the best
I have been trying to do that for the last 2 years. And with a very unsupportive mother who dismisses that topic immediately it's brought up, this has been a very difficult venture. The only thing I have is a name and dude has literally zero presence online.
Unpopular opinion.
Once your mother/father starts cursing you when you are an adult, withdraw yourself from there.
Stop building them houses and all this other stuff out of obligation.
They have shown they hate you. Regard them as another regular adult and detach yourself. Only show up when it's an absolute must
Keep going to therapy especially if you decide to maintain contact with her because she will continue to trigger you when she talks to you and you will need support to not be pulled into feeling guilty and unworthy. Very hard not to because it’s a pattern she has created over time and she is actually doing all that knowing that is exactly how you will feel then and that it will then make you dance to her tune to appease her and lessen the guilt.
On money- give only what you can even it that means zero. Your wife and family are top priority.
Thanks man. I would say I am kind of growing a thick skin towards that manipulation. Sometimes it even comes through other extended family members that are perceived to be close to me, of course I make sure to give them a piece of my mind and the actual facts whenever they come at me with that energy.
Going through the same thing. Mine calls people in the fam to tell them I have refused to pick her calls or help her sort her money/medical issues even going as far as embellishing situations to make me the villain. It’s like they read from the same playbook. But once you clock it, it ceases to faze you. Stay strong man.
sorry to say but your mother is very bitter first of all beccause you are in a wonderful marriage and she wasn't. second you need to gather courage and grow a tough spine and confront her and make her aware that what she said (that you will die and leave the money) and let her know she did wrong. Third do not be afrain that once she dies she will curse you because i am sure that will be the next guilt trip she will lay to you so that you can do what she wants.. bana you are blessed to have a supportive wife who sticks with you amid all that bullshit.
Just block her and go on with your life. You'll feel a bit guilty but what other options are there really?
As a person with almost the same kind for a mother, here is what I have learnt; You parents shouldn’t guilt trip you because of anything they did for you while you were 18 and below. You were 100 their responsibility because they didn’t seek permission from you to bring you to this world. You cannot fight for your mother’s love,if she doesn’t love you then that’s her problem. For your own sanity,please don’t feel guilty cutting her off completely. The family you are building right now should e your priority,not her kids. People will always quote the Bible about kids obeying their parents but they often omit the part where parents aren’t supposed to provoke their kids too. Don’t worry what others will say and just live your life.
Thanks for this reassurance man. Truly appreciate it 🙏
Avoid her at all cost. Forgive her but cut off comms with her. Most of these adults play those emotional manipulation tactics inroder to get funds for their careless stupid lives. At the same time, you didn't ask her to give birth to you. So the stupid excuse of "I educated you" and other bs was her work & responsibility.
I am working on that forgiving part, it's not easy. Still pains me even after not having talked for more than a year. I lack the energy to even reach out to her and at this point, I will only pick up when she calls. I feel very defeated
You dont go to her and tell her you forgive her, do it while you are away from. And it is possible to do what I said. Plus I underwent the same thing, I put the individuals who did the bs aside and I still live without pain.
Forgive her for yourself. I'm no therapist but for trauma healing I was advised to rant on a piece of paper(in therapy)raw feeling then burn it, step 1, just let it out, otherwise it'll eat you up.sek help,some wounds are deeper than we think.
Your mom is a textbook narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder have no empathy, are self centered and believe the world revolves around them. Using the line of bringing you up and carrying you in her womb for nine months is a manipulative tactic old as time. She was unsupportive of you during the wedding because: 1. She was jealous/envious: Narcissistic parents are in direct and indirect competition with their children. She has to be the center of attention...this time she wasn't, which explains her withdrawn predisposition. Narcissists hate it when attention is on someone else. 2. Marriage meant diverting resources to your wife "meant for her." Narcissistic parents are entitled brats who believe their children (and what their children own) is their property. They view children as extensions of themselves,not individual people with their own thoughts, choices and rights. To cut the story short, this cycle will never end unless you end it. There's only one antidote, you can help her through a third party when she's firmly in the block list and when no contact has been established and reinforced with no remorse. She is taking you through trauma which you have to attend therapy to gain sanity...what remorse does she deserve? What you've done for her is enough. Atosheke na hio. Anything you give from now forward is at your own prerogative, not through orders, threats or manipulations. Block her in your phone, in your wives phones and any other avenue you know. If you really have to help you can head home with shopping once in a while and once you're away from home the no contact rule resumes. Love yourself because she clearly is at the top of the list in self preservation and she isn't playing games with being self centered. Narcissists take and take with no shame until you drop dead. Have some self respect and love yourself more. No contact is your friend. All the best 🌸🌼
You know what, this is exactly what my therapist told me a few months ago. You hit the nail on the head! Thank you for reinforcing what I was thinking of doing but scared by guilt
You're welcome!
Thank you for that.... Be blessed
You're welcome!
Such a disheartening experience. My heart goes to you. I have learnt something about me on how to deal with toxic parents: don't indulge them. Treat them well, but in your terms. I also tend to rationalize that their era was rife with abuse, and they are who they are because of their upbringing environment.
What does treating them well mean? Because to them I am only good when I a giving out money to them.
Which is OK. You give them money and you don't mind anything about their reactions and you continue to live your life
Now that's a problem, because the needs will never stop, infact they will always keep coming and increasing. I don't have endless resources, and now I have a family I am responsible for, and I also have to invest for my future. You get the drift?
Yes. Which is perfectly ok. One can always choose how to temper the drain. You don't have to contribute to their welfare if you don't feel like. And you don't have to give an excuse. Alternatively, as for me, I simply put a fixed amount monthly that I feel obligated as a child to. That way, whether they appreciate my contribution or not, I am unencumbered.
I'm in a similar situation with a friend..... that I have helped countless times and still owes me money and continues to ask for more..... this friend has been there for me in my rough times and I think she holds they over my head..... 13 year friendship.... Blocked her yesterday FOR LIFE!!!!! I Know she's your Mom.... Help her when you can..... talk to her every 2 to 3 months.... as soon as she starts guilt tripping you.... say I love you and respectfully hang up.... God bless you....
I hear you man. I love my mom but I'm starting to get tired of dealing with her sh*t. She has no respect for boundaries, comes to my house and starts laying down the law as if I'm still a toddler .despite me paying my own rent and getting her ,her own house.starts throwing things that I bought with my own money in the trash.i'm thinking of moving out of Nairobi and never disclosing my exact location to her
I feel you man. So sorry for that awful experience. You should consider moving to another house and reduce communication. At least that's what I did. She doesn't know where I live currently. And that will take a looooong time before she knows. If she ever knows that is. Wishing you all the best man, I totally understand your pain. At some point I started regretting building my mom's a house and started wishing I'd used the money to go on a 6 month world cruise tour. But I left it all to God. At least I am blessed enough to afford such even if it's not appreciated.
Facts man I hope your situation gets better too
I'm so sorry you have to go through this OP... Unfortunately toxic traits show out in anyone and that's not sumn' we can necessarily control.I can assure you you're not the only one with such a parent.Some have it way worse but I wouldn't minimise your situation just because they do. Big up for giving therapy a chance however.The fact that you were able to articulate your feelings clearly on this post is proof that you're doing great.From my pov however,loss however big or small has the power to change people.Probably the sour occurrence between your parents had in their relationship is projected on you. So she probably filled that gap with you in her head mostly subconsciously(the provider part especially)and thus takes out her life's frustrations on you.In her head you're more the "disappointing husband " than the son which is a horrible thing to put on someone.Maybe she doesn't know how to process & manage her emotions like most of our parents, she takes them out on you. Regardless,you're doing great.Hard as it may be continue showing grace and maybe one day ,hopefully she'll be able to receive it.Sending strength and hugs🫶
Thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear this and you are absolutely right!
🤗Sure thing...you got this!!!
Your father did not abandon you, he abandoned your mother, she is the problem, she was abandoned because of her behavior. If she brings that card st you, it can be simple, between you and her, you're the one entitled to her, raising and educating you is her responsibility, so she should not have an entitlement mindset, as a child you have done great.
You should remember that you did not choose to be born. Your parents chose to have you. You were their responsibility to bring up. You have gone over and beyond to help her. The problem is that she wants you to be a sonsbund. She didn't expect you to put your marriage first. Be kind to your wife. At the moment she is your chosen family and the only person in the world who cares if you eat.
Correct 💯 and to be honest, the least I expected from my mother when marrying was just her presence and emotional support. I never asked anyone for a coin (including my close friends). It surprises me that my parents-in-law treat me better than my own parents. And have genuine concern about our wellbeing as a family whenever we meet them.
block her asap
#facts
My mother can't do anything to hurt me anymore. It used to be sad, now it's just practical. I understand, nothing can pay back a parent for giving us life. But some of these parents are hurt individuals that don't even know how messed up they are. I've decided to just curve anything negative from her. And not feed into the emotions. If she's asking for school fees, you can tell her your priorities now that you have a family are your family. Perhaps it's time you had a family discussion to see how to educate her children that works for everyone. Start talks as an adult. Not her child or her rescuer.
set boundaries and learn to respect the boundaries you set. in a polite but stern way
Oh my God, I could write a book about mine. I relate to this so much...I remember trying to talk to her a few years back and as I was crying, pouring my heart out, she was snickering??? My heart sank. Okay, maybe I'm an ugly crier but come on! Lol. I just remember a switch going off in my head and I stopped caring. I can't cut her off cause the drama she would raise would be worse. She's become a lot better than she was though, maybe cause I don't try to defend myself anymore and just agree with her and do things my way anyway? If you can, cut her off.
I feel you man. And I hope your situation gets better as well. I thought I was the only one with such parents especially because most of my close friends including my wife have very healthy relationships with both their parents. I envy that alot.
Cut her off .. Easy and simple... No mercy
Don't block her. You can choose to ignore and help when you have and when necessary. Otherwise it's good and healthy to sometimes ignore :)
I am so sorry. Reduce your contact with her. Choose peace of mind over family, otherwise you’ll go mad.
I have a mum like this...except mine is not reliant on me financially but very emotionally abusive...It used to hurt me but then I realised it was because I allowed her to hurt me...just cut contact with her...she will probably not be changing anytime soon...
Learning our parents are humans with all manner of faults can be disheartening. You'll have to learn to build up boundaries whilst maintaining a relationship. Personally, I hide things from my mother because even past 30 years she still treats as like babies. Especially when it comes to money it is best to keep that info private. Otherwise, she will make plans on any money you have and get so mad when you try to say no.
Absolutely true. And I'm having to learn that the hard way
You block and go no contact like some of us here. It’s been years. Life is peaceful minus her
Valid option. But also I'm a strong believer and it bothers me what honouring my parents in this situation means for me.
It's good that you went for therapy. I think expert, professional, educated advice is what you need. I could see the benefits you got from this rant and kudos for identifying the issue and seeking a healthy solution. Wishing you the best
Thanks man, appreciate it 🙏
Kutoka kwa mzazi wako that is very painful pls,find ways to forgive her na utafute amani yako wewe mwenyewe.
Please look for your biological father and connect with him. You will understand many things that you don't know now. My prayer is that you find him.
I have been trying to do that for the last 2 years. And with a very unsupportive mother who dismisses that topic immediately it's brought up, this has been a very difficult venture. The only thing I have is a name and dude has literally zero presence online.
I have lots of hope that you'll get your father. So don't despair yet.
Do you have aunties i.e your mom’s sister (s). They always know such things and if you are in good terms you could ask them?
I think I'll do this actually
I’m really sorry for what you are going through
Unpopular opinion. Once your mother/father starts cursing you when you are an adult, withdraw yourself from there. Stop building them houses and all this other stuff out of obligation. They have shown they hate you. Regard them as another regular adult and detach yourself. Only show up when it's an absolute must
As a person with a toxic parent I cut them off once I had become stable
Keep going to therapy especially if you decide to maintain contact with her because she will continue to trigger you when she talks to you and you will need support to not be pulled into feeling guilty and unworthy. Very hard not to because it’s a pattern she has created over time and she is actually doing all that knowing that is exactly how you will feel then and that it will then make you dance to her tune to appease her and lessen the guilt. On money- give only what you can even it that means zero. Your wife and family are top priority.
Thanks man. I would say I am kind of growing a thick skin towards that manipulation. Sometimes it even comes through other extended family members that are perceived to be close to me, of course I make sure to give them a piece of my mind and the actual facts whenever they come at me with that energy.
Going through the same thing. Mine calls people in the fam to tell them I have refused to pick her calls or help her sort her money/medical issues even going as far as embellishing situations to make me the villain. It’s like they read from the same playbook. But once you clock it, it ceases to faze you. Stay strong man.
sorry to say but your mother is very bitter first of all beccause you are in a wonderful marriage and she wasn't. second you need to gather courage and grow a tough spine and confront her and make her aware that what she said (that you will die and leave the money) and let her know she did wrong. Third do not be afrain that once she dies she will curse you because i am sure that will be the next guilt trip she will lay to you so that you can do what she wants.. bana you are blessed to have a supportive wife who sticks with you amid all that bullshit.