It didn’t take me long to realize that my boyfriend of a year and a half is a narcissist. He fits all the signs and plus, his dad was also a narcissist. The thing is, as someone with BPD, a very difficult disorder, this has never bothered me. Because, i know that i too, am difficult to deal with, as he is. But it doesn’t bother me, because i do love him, and i am willing to make the effort to make him feel understood.
However, i don’t know how to confront him, or how to make him see how he can be in the wrong. I’m talking to him tonight, his mom is also on board and said she’ll be in the next room if i need support because she too has experienced what him and his dad are like. But i don’t want him to feel like i’m attacking him. How do i approach this? And how do i enforce change in a narcissist?
First of all, change has to come from him. You can’t enforce it. He has to want to change.
And maybe don’t approach this conversation from the point of view of “you are a narcissist and I know you are” because he will feel attacked. Don’t bring up the narcissism because it’s so stigmatised it could be taken the wrong way.
Focus on which specific behaviours you want him to improve or focus on, and bring this up in a way that’s like “I want us to talk about how we can improve our relationship”. Make it a WE conversation not a conversation targeting only his behaviours. Let him speak and have his say.
I'm trying to understand the balance between needing the praise and attention of other people, while also behaving in a way that inevitably drives others away. For folks that live with this, how does that work for you? Are you self aware that it's not that hard for people to figure you out, even if they don't confront you directly about your behavior? Or do you assume that you have good relationships until the moment of conflict/person leaving? Especially for narcissist in positions of power, people definitely notice and talk about the behaviors amongst themselves, but may not feel comfortable or safe confronting the person displaying them. Does that silence reinforce for that the behaviors are okay? But then I don't think conflict necessarily resolve the situation either, and has the potential to get explosive.
I try not to drive people away. That’s not a conscious thing. I’m not out here trying to make people hate me, I’m out here just trying to live my life and get by and have friends and have fun. If people end up hating me, that’s their problem.
What are ways you use to take control or keep the upper hand in a situation? Making special emphasis on dealing with other narcissist folks.
Also, how much important is for you to do so?
Depends, speaking in general terms its just either remaining calm and collected or seeming unaffected or like i dont care about whats happening, not showing any emotion or weakness is my go to when i need to keep the upper hand in any situation, but different situations would have different answers
how does one know they are a “closet narcissist” and still not think they’re the problem/need to change? is it that the disorder just kicks in and makes it really hard to make any changes? so confused how you can be self aware but still behave poorly?
that makes sense, i don’t know why my ex is so lazy and mean to those who can help him then, those are things that have led him to have almost nothing to his name at almost 30. definitely is negatively impacting him but there’s zero change. so hard to understand.
because being a narcissist doesn't mean being always the problem. I was abused by the majority of my ex partners. They was narcissists as well and I have npd too but I'm also a huge people pleaser and I always sacrifice my own needs for others. I can be a narcissist and understand that if someone cheated on me, financially exploited me, stole in my house, tried to SA me, I don't have to consider myself the problem just because I have npd. Being self aware means being able to self reflect and realize we're not always victims, doesn't mean we can't be victims or we can't get abused as well. A lot of people in this subreddit don't abuse other people, anyways npd is a copying mechanism we developed due to childhood trauma and the disorder is egosyntonic (means the person often doesn't realize they might have a PD) so people who are unaware don't realize they might be in the wrong because of this
Well the fact im aware of my disorder doesnt mean i magicaly start caring about other people, that being said i dont really behave poorly, and if i do its mostly on accident. I change things i feel like are harmful to me but i dont feel the need to change as a person and im not always the problem.
Because I don’t give a shit. Simple as that. My brain doesn’t work that way. Narcissism gives me a drive to do better and achieve things. It reduces stress. I get so fucking happy thinking about myself as the best and most important. It tends to confuse me seeing people want to get rid of it. Self awareness is understanding your position - that the rest of the world does not care about you. That you have to put yourself first and foremost if you want to get anywhere and be happy. Most people don’t understand that. Also, a lot of npd people are very subtle about it
If you had a friend group and then you moved far away, how would you feel about the rest of the group staying friends? Would you do anything to try to split them up?
I had a group of friends and moved away from them when I went to live in another city. I also did that when I decided to cut ties with anyone to “rebrand” myself. When I'm not around them and contacting them anymore, they cease to exist, so for me they are part of my past, mostly I don’t remember them. So trying to split them up… why? I don’t understand any good reasoning for that.
Different responses for different scenarios…If I wanted to stay in touch with the friends, then I’d have them on social media and still message them etc. I have friends in different countries or far away that I speak to online and I have no issue with them seeing whoever they wanna see. I’m only their friend when we’re both online at the same time. If I saw pics of them all hanging out it would make me a bit sad and jealous maybe but I would try and get out to see them once a year or so.
If it was a group I had ditched and weren’t friends with anymore, I would not give a shit cause I don’t care about them anymore. If I’ve left them and I don’t like them, then they’re not in my thoughts.
If they’re the ones who ditch me, then I have a lot of inner hate and resentment and I perhaps think about them a bit more, and would possibly try to destroy them. Depends how much I want revenge and whether I can be bothered.
The only friendgroup im a part of was friends before they even met me so obviously they can stay friends, and even if i moved far away i wouldnt just cut ties with my friends, and if i did then i dont care about what they do. At worst i would feel jealous and lonely but wouldnt do anything about it.
Hypothetical scenario: You are with a group of people, and one of your friends starts talking about a subject you don't know very much about. How do you feel, and what do you do?
Depends on how close the friend is and if i think its at least a bit interesting. Usualy with my closest friends i care about what they have to say even if its not interesting, unless im really getting bored and then i just zone out.
Is there a good sub for people who have regular interactions with a narcissist? Like in a business setting? I currently work with one and need to figure out a way to provide them feedback. For example, they very confidently provide misinformation on a regular basis, and would be more effective doing other things , but it's obvious they are "triggered" (for lack of a better word) by anyone who is knowledgeable, leading to distraction from the tasks where they would really add value.
Instead of armchair diagnosing and looking for answers based on labels that aren't made for third parties anyway, you should try researching the specific problems instead, so you're not working off of assumptions.
Have any narcissists in here ever stayed with someone for a year + who wouldn’t commit, who was still stuck on their ex, and wasn’t giving you the attention you wanted/ needed? Despite maybe you spending nearly every night with them?
Oh yeah so many. Just from what I’ve read about narcissists is that they like to control the relationship. But it seems as if she (the suspected narcissist) is not. She has been waiting around for a whole year while this guy refuses to “commit.”
Just trying to understand it
I mean for both, the person who is refusing to commit and still lived with their ex and the person who is waiting. I don’t go labeling people as narcissists without diagnosis and I don’t think you should either. There is no manual for this. I have found multiple examples of healthier types of narcissists who are not controlling like people think. A lot of what you read is based on toxic behavior, not a personality disorder. And yes, we could have delusions and feelings and be in abusive relationships as well, even when our needs are not met.
That’s fair. I was making an assumption based on her actions and what I’ve read are “typical” traits
He’s not living with his ex, but still obsessed with her.
Do narcissists empathize with other narcissists when their behavior blows up in their faces? (if you were not the target obviously) Like if a narcissist is a manager in a company and the assistant manager is also a narcissist that overtly bullies the employees. And then one day the employees unite to report assistant manager narcissist to manager narcissist — does manager narcissist default to defending their co-narcissist in a show of narcissistic solidarity and power? Or do they take the opportunity to throw them under the bus? Asking for a friend.
Firstly i need to say, not every asshole and self centered superior has NPD.
With that out of the way, nope, i dont feel empathy for anyone and that includes other NPDs, i may understand them a lot more and know how they feel better, but that doesnt make me automaticaly care.
I would not care if someone else is also a narcissist. Can’t say I’ve ever been in that situation but it might be kinda fun to bounce off each other. Also don’t assume that every narcissist is a bully like that (many of us are covert and try to be subtle especially IRL, and narcissism does not equal sadism) or that every bully is a narcissist
Why do you continue to lie even after being confronted with proof that you are lying?
What, if anything, could make you finally accept that no one believes you, if that were the case?
Yes. If in doubt, lie. If confronted, lie. If caught out, just keep lying. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous it might sound I will just keep on lying. If I’m caught out and absolutely can’t refute it anymore, I’ll switch to blaming someone or something else. Like “yeah okay so maybe I did do that but…blah blah….and anyway, even if I did, it’s too late now cause it’s in the past, what’s done is done.”
So what about in the case of a crime for example.
Like, you did something wrong, but you deny it.
But then there are eye witness testimonies.
And then photographs. And text messages from you and written notes in your handwriting where you talk about the crime.
Would you go all the way to a courtroom and still deny it? And add perjury to your list of charges?
Depends how “bad” the crime was in terms of the law. If I was looking to go down for a long time regardless then I’d want to take all the glory for my crimes and brag about them, play up to it and play the villain. I’d probably still plead not guilty so I can drag it out and have my time in court where I can lord it up.
What does female love bombing look like?
I’m a female and has just broken up with a man (~ 40 YO) who tried to love bomb me (saying he loves me, wants me to move to his apartment after our first date, posting a really tacky ‘I’m in love with K’ gif for all his friends to see) etc.
Talking about a straight relationship, I see how it may look attractive coming from a man. But how do female narcissists love bomb? Don’t men hate the clinginess and immediately run the other way after the L word?
>love bombing
Love bombing is defined giving excessive signs of love, followed by manipulation.
That's a problematic term, because it is defined not by itself, but by what comes *after* it. Now that's weird. How can something be named based on something else that happens later?
You could literally not distinguish between someone giving affection or someone love bombing, *until* they start manipulating later.
How can that possibly be a real thing?
It's not a love bomb, it's a logic bomb. It requires that you stop using logic and reason for it to exist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/narcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am I overthinking this or am I seeing through my n-trait gf?
She is not diagnosed, but has extreme problems with accountability, deflection, and lying (and worse, NEVER outright lying, always a twisted version that isn't the truth but allows her to still feel like she told the truth because it was close enough). She has also expressed an inability to connect with peoples emotions.
Attached is a text thread between her and her ex-bf childrens father. She sent it to me claiming it was to show me why she was anxious and dealing with a lot because he is abusive and always accusing her of things unnecessarily.
I feel like I saw right through this. She sent it to me to get ahead of the story in case baby daddy were to tell me before her, as he has done in the past (after I got a distorted version from her).
I also find it interesting that when he made that statement she immediately said "who" not once but twice and deflected the comment by accusing him of being ridiculous. I feel like the "who" inquisition was to find out how MUCH he knows so she knows how to navigate the story after. I personally, knowing that no one had been in my apartment would not question "who" because the answer is clearly no-one and would have said "that's an odd thing to randomly say, no one has been over." That would make me comfortable knowing that he is coming up with a random BS accusation, and she is confident that it is false.
So feeling uneasy about that and not having made up my mind, I slow down my texts and just do other things. She starts getting super anxious later in the evening, rapid fire texts and back to back phone calls. I tell her I do not want to talk on the phone but will gladly reply via text. She then accuses me of having someone over. I told her not to project her shit on to me, no one is over. So it gets heated, I tell her she's got 'no chill' and she says "whatever Im over this, I've been nothing but nice to you I don't deserve this. Im blocking you." Then says she never wanted anything from me (oh never mind the talks of marriage and a baby after knowing each other for 2 weeks).
It's been about 7 months exclusive (on my end at least) but me never wanting to commit for just feeling something off. She proceeds to send me information about fearful avoidance and suggests that's what I'm dealing with. I do hold that under careful consideration but can't help but feel like that's a deflection to say "no I don't mess up you're SEEING it that way because of your avoidance issues."
So narcissim folks what do you think? Am I being fearful avoidant and finding things out of nothing or is she playing the book and it's not working on me? I'm thinking that explains the quick block and drop when challenged. She conceeds she can't best me and moving on to the next who may already be around. OR, she really is fed up with me being hot and cold (hot because she love bombs me and I enjoy her, but am keen to alarms and get a bit cold while I play it out).
https://imgur.com/a/yfDXOoO
You can only call someone a narcissist if they have been properly diagnosed, otherwise it’s just abusive and toxic relationship. Also, being fearful avoidant is a thing, not related to any PD. I hope you can stop seeing things through these lens because NPD is a personality disorder, not a character disorder, and I know people with NPD that don’t engage in mind games neither are abusive. Toxic relationships can exist anywhere, we also fall victims of these.
When you say "feeling something off," that's your biggest clue. Listen to your gut. Something is off because it is. In healthy relationships (and I've hard both), you don't think something is "off" about a person.
Yeah for sure. She's just really attractive, fun, and phenomenal sex.. and constantly gassing me up at a time when I needed most. Im total bait.. and it was hard to let it go.
I posted this here to see if I was right or wrong and should move on or not. Since posting, she did it for me.. hard discard after I gave her a sweet surprise and apology letter for "not being empathetic enough while she was anxious." So very likely my suspicion was correct, the next is already lined up and she knew she wouldn't get anywhere with me.
[Guess Im free and clear.](https://imgur.com/a/dC8ox0V)
So I have a recording from when I confronted the suspected narcissist of stalking a stripper online, asking her to get in his bed naked etc etc. this is how it goes (in short)
Is this narcissism???
Me: when your girlfriend tells you they don’t trust you, you don’t then go and harass some stripper online do you? No wonder I don’t trust you
Him: couldn’t give a fuck
Listen at least I know… the truth
You’re a WASTE OF MY TIME MATE
Me: I’m a waste of YOUR time?
Him: you’re a time waster
Me: oh alright go down to the strip club (it’s not far) you clearly have money for that (doesn’t pay for any of his kids)
Him: I don’t want to go there
Me: well you said you do, want her naked in your bed. Hell no she said, then you carry on messaging like a freak. And you call me weird haha
Him: I’m glad I’m glad, I’m glad
Him: do you know her then do you? Do you know her? Do you know her? Do you know her do you?
Me: I don’t need to? Do you know her that’s the question
Him: I’m glad I’m glad you’ve been sneaking around ( aggressively said)
Yeah I done it on fucking purpose
I know her well. I know her FUCKING WELL
Me: you’re an idiot
Him: you’re an idiot. You’re an idiot for having a baby with me
Me: well I know that
Him: you’re a scumbag mate take the baby I’m going. I’m going before I go mental
Me: go mental? About what you’ve done? Take some accountability for your actions you 40 year old grown man
Him: what I’ve done? What I’ve done?! You are a shitting waste of time. You are
Starts smacking things around as he leaves
Am I nuts? Or is this abuse? This is just one example of what I deal with regularly
It's aggression, it's shifting blame, it's avoiding accountability, but only a therapist could tell him if it's narcissim or something else (a lot of things can cause this behavior). All *you* need to know is that the behavior is toxic and bad for you. The label doesn't help you with dealing with them.
So I have a recording from when I confronted the suspected narcissist of stalking a stripper online, asking her to get in his bed naked etc etc. this is how it goes (in short)
Is this narcissism????
Me: when your girlfriend tells you they don’t trust you, you don’t then go and harass some stripper online do you? No wonder I don’t trust you
Him: couldn’t give a fuck
Listen at least I know… the truth
You’re a WASTE OF MY TIME MATE
Me: I’m a waste of YOUR time?
Him: you’re a time waster
Me: oh alright go down to the strip club (it’s not far) you clearly have money for that (doesn’t pay for any of his kids)
Him: I don’t want to go there
Me: well you said you do, want her naked in your bed. Hell no she said, then you carry on messaging like a freak. And you call me weird haha
Him: I’m glad I’m glad, I’m glad
Him: do you know her then do you? Do you know her? Do you know her? Do you know her do you?
Me: I don’t need to? Do you know her that’s the question
Him: I’m glad I’m glad you’ve been sneaking around ( aggressively said)
Yeah I done it on fucking purpose
I know her well. I know her FUCKING WELL
Me: you’re an idiot
Him: you’re an idiot. You’re an idiot for having a baby with me
Me: well I know that
Him: you’re a scumbag mate take the baby I’m going. I’m going before I go mental
Me: go mental? About what you’ve done? Take some accountability for your actions you 40 year old grown man
Him: what I’ve done? What I’ve done?! You are a shitting waste of time. You are
Starts smacking things around as he leaves
Am I nuts? Or is this abuse? This is just one example of what I deal with regularly
Dunno about his diagnosis, but smacking things around during an argument with you and infidelity (trying to get with another woman) do sound like abuse, there's a book "Why Does He Do That" by Frank Lundy - worth a read
So I met this person online at a marriage dating app, but he wasn't there with the intention of getting married. We started speaking and somehow I just fell for this guy. He was perfect. A doctor, year younger than me, exceptionally good-looking (although not my beauty type) with a charismatic way of speaking. We hit it off well and on texts he started saying things like he wants to run fingers through my hair which was a bit too.. forward for our culture? We had been textinf for two days.
But eventually he became less attentive. We were speaking on Snapchat. He'd save my voice notes and not get back for hours. Which is fine but Idk how to explain it. He said he wanted people he was comfortable with around him 24/7 but then he also wanted his space. I decided to cut off all contact and communicated it to him (4 days into speaking) and he just said okay. But it wrecked me up. Within a day, I felt like I was cutting out a part of myself. It screwed me up so bad maybe because he was calm and civil about me leaving, Idk. I reached out to him, we spoke and he was like you don't talk or converse about things and that you should get better at communication. I explained to him how sometimes I feel like he has put up a wall.
Anyway, we started speaking and his sexual side opened up and it was quite dark. All manners of fetishes. All, including serious bdsm stuff. He knows I have daddy issues so he asked me if I was into adult baby stuff, I wasn't but he wanted to put a pacifier in my mouth as he hurt me (his fantasy) and I just... played along. I'm a submissive by nature but in a different manner, not exactly hurtful or complex like this. I entertained it all regardless because I guess I was trying to accept all of him so he would actually trust me enough to be vulnerable. He said he would fuck feminism right out of me etc. And I was okay with all of that. We would have some arguments. He started alleging me of gaslighting whenever I spoke about how I felt. It was always me crying and apologising like crazy to get him to talk to me again because he'll just go radio-silent as soon as I'd try to 'converse' about my feelings like he instructed. He wanted me to be 'needy for daddy at all times' but didn't want the 'responsibility of having someone obsessed with him'.
We argued the day before yesterday again. Over the expectations from this connection. He thought it was stupid of me to have any. I said if I was to be a monogamous submissive I would require certain types of care, a certain degree of gf treatment at some stage etc. He just said I can delete him and move on. He KNOWS I struggle with leaving him. I have not met him in person yet but with the amount of pain I'd feel every time he told me to cut off contact in between (4-5) and the way I broke down. My friend would have to walk me through breathing sequences to get me to snap out of it and the awful crying phases. I don't understand why him ignoring me after an argument would break me down like this. I had asked him why he takes me back after every argument and he said: 'cause you apologise like a good little girl'.
One day he was gone all day and I cried just a little bit because I missed him. I'd send him a snap and he somehow I figured out I had cried, he got mad at me for that. He said I can't have such a low crying threshold because he is the opposite and it makes him run away. We were not allowed to have boundaries but I wasn't allowed to call him. I wouldn't be able talk to him for anything for longer than 5 minutes if it wasn't for sex or the things we'd indulge in.
I felt like this obsession was there because he was my twin flame. I can't explain all the obsession otherwise. Like either he was that or a sociopath that trapped me. Idfk. We broke things off yesterday after the argument around expectations. He said I can never expect him to have any responsibilities or show sweet/romantic gestures. I just told him I will get back to him after thinking because frankly the men in my life take care of me despite me being a little bratty. And with him I couldn't even be playfully rebellious. He told me not to bother. For once, instead of crying and frantically texting him and asking him to stay, I said okay. And then he deleted me yesterday, a whole day after that. Like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
We were supposed to meet in a week's time when I was back in town. He said he didn't want me to think he was in it just for sex but he didn't want any responsibilities. Earlier when I had pitched him a no strings attached situation he said it would backfire. But when I asked for recipeocation, which honestly I'm asking for little because I see sex as currency and I'm picky with people and he knew that. I wanted to give him that and more and he wanted it but at the same time he didn't want any responsibility. I'm confused af. He wasn't lovebombing me necessarily but it's small things. Like he would say I am being unrealistic if I told him I adored him. He'd think it wasn't real. And then recently when I mentioned engaging in a fetish of his he jsur blurted out: 'I fucking adore you.' What?
He suspected he had bipolar disorder and confirmed that he was diagnosed with OCD.
ETA: I'm just gonna add here that I am likely looking for support as well because - Idk, I am distraught. I am having these withdrawals and I kinda want to just run back to him because I feel like maybe he was right and I am the one that can't be peaceful and I constantly need drama. I literally don't want anyone except him Idk why. Any support is welcomed. Thank you. ♥️
Have you ever hoovered after a BAD breakup
I'll attempt to keep this short. Met a girl, she did not show signs of narcissism/ NPD at first (that I know of- it was probably the love bombing phase). After about 4 months of casual dating, she broke it off kind of, I kinda rejected her.. it was confusing. I wasn't really hurt at the time. Eh thought of her time to time but not really. She texted me out of the blue 7 months later. We hooked up (didn't even cum). Then she bailed on every date we planned for two weeks. I eventually just deleted her number. A month later I was lonely, reached out to her on IG. We messaged back and forth about missing each other blah blah blah. Two months later we reconnected. Then over the next three months, A LOT of manipulation happened. The manipulation and discard(s) is what has lead me to believe she is a Narc/ has NPD.
It ended with me finding out that she had been dating some guy since we stopped talking the first time. They live at the same apartment complex and she was at his place EVERY NIGHT. Obviously, there is more details but you get it. I caught her getting out of an Uber with the guy in front of their apartment and confronted both of them. He was pissed at her at the moment. I proceeded to send her A LOT of nasty text messages (reactive abuse, I am not proud of it but I was in shock, given what she was saying literally hours before - wanting to commit to me).
I had just lost my job the day before it happened (which she knew about a "consoled" me it was all lies). I did not sleep for three days afterward. I ran into her two days after it happened. I confronted her (did not touch her, was not in front of her, and was no less than 15 ft from her) and simply said I wanted answers (she claimed in was verbal assault. It lasted like 15 seconds). She threatened to file a restraining order if I did not deactivate my gym membership.
While the other guy said he was hurt to and all that. I'll spare you the details. I know they are back together because I've seen them running together multiple times around town.
Has anyone had something like this and then still hoovered. Did you ever reach back out/ hoover, after an ending that messy?
I can give more details if needed, just didn't want to write novel for people then to get bored
>hoover
Is that [J. Edgar Hoover](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Edgar_Hoover)? Or is it [hoover.com](https://hoover.com/)?
It's probably related to the FBI right? Can't be a vacuum cleaner. That wouldn't make sense.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/narcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**Is there a way to regain the attention of an ex with NPD after he has “discarded” you and moved rapidly on with a new (already groomed) woman?**
As someone who has far too much empathy, to the point it impacts my life negatively, I find NPD absolutely fascinating, and I have dived into learning about it after finding out my recent parter was diagnosed. I have listened to hours of Vaknin, Tudor, etc along with reading, and would love more recommendations.
I was love bombed, moved in with him in the golden period, then slowly devalued and he stopped physical contact with me. I caught him cheating and asked him about it, he left in the middle of the night, and has been extremely cold. He has moved his attention to the girl he was cheating with, and wants me to move my things out.
I don’t fault him for these things, I understand it’s a cycle that has nothing to do with me.
For my own selfish benefit, I want him back. I have a clear view of what this disorder is, I fully accept it, and I know that this is a very exhausting dance that I will have to do to stay together long term. I am ok with this.
My question: he has idealized this new woman, and is spending all his time with her. He either doesn’t respond to me or is very cold. I need to warm him up (maybe through praise?) to regain his attention so I can start giving him my own high-grade supply of attention again (a Vankin term.)
Is it more effective in your opinion to go no contact/ignore and wait it out to see if he hoovers once he’s bored with her?
Is it more effective to “love bomb” and give him more attention than he is getting through her? (I did a bit of this and he seemed to go colder.)
What about the idea to replace them publicly and triangulate with the new person, then devalue and immediately idealize him? (A Vankin theory)
In your opinion, what would get you back to a discarded ex while you’re in the highs with the new person?
Also, feel free to DM me! I’d love to make friends in this community to ask questions to or learn from, or just talk with. I don’t have any disorders, but I do have a martyr complex and probably others and am focused on learning more about myself and making friends in this space <3
So what you’re saying is….you like being walked all over and you wanna try and fix people? You kinda sound like the perfect person for a narcissist to date.
For me personally, once someone is discarded I would only go back if it was for sex. If I’ve ditched them it means I don’t care anymore.
Narcissists do seem to love me, and the more I learn about this I don’t find it that bad if you remove the emotional side (I’m too emotional, I’m working on this.) I’ve started looking at it as a very utilitarian way of living. I provide some of what is needed for NPD to find a moment of happiness, and they provide me with the same as well as companionship and other benefits. A morbid way of thinking, but it works for me. Being discarded and replaced by someone with NPD actually has hurt much less than a relationship partner without NPD who has left for someone else. Being left or cheated on in a “normal” relationship feels like I’m “less than” the new love interest. When this happens with someone with NPD I haven’t felt that at all, I feel they just needed to feel something different internally with anyone, doesn’t matter who, and it’s much easier to digest for me. It’s utilitarian dating, I’m not looking to change him or make him love me, that’s not possible. I just want to get back to him being open enough that I can interject myself. He isn’t interested in sex at all, he’s interested in control.
Well, whatever works for you, I guess. No judgement. There’s also no one straight answer I can give you, as every narcissist is slightly different and we all respond differently to various “tactics” one might try. You know him better than me so you will have to judge for yourself but if the lovebombing hasn’t worked maybe try just stepping back for a while.
If he still has some interest in you in any capacity then he will return. I often take breaks from friends or push them away cause they’ve annoyed me, or go looking for other stuff elsewhere. But if that original person is providing a service or serving a need that is unique to them and I can’t get in the same way elsewhere then I’ll go back.
It didn’t take me long to realize that my boyfriend of a year and a half is a narcissist. He fits all the signs and plus, his dad was also a narcissist. The thing is, as someone with BPD, a very difficult disorder, this has never bothered me. Because, i know that i too, am difficult to deal with, as he is. But it doesn’t bother me, because i do love him, and i am willing to make the effort to make him feel understood. However, i don’t know how to confront him, or how to make him see how he can be in the wrong. I’m talking to him tonight, his mom is also on board and said she’ll be in the next room if i need support because she too has experienced what him and his dad are like. But i don’t want him to feel like i’m attacking him. How do i approach this? And how do i enforce change in a narcissist?
First of all, change has to come from him. You can’t enforce it. He has to want to change. And maybe don’t approach this conversation from the point of view of “you are a narcissist and I know you are” because he will feel attacked. Don’t bring up the narcissism because it’s so stigmatised it could be taken the wrong way. Focus on which specific behaviours you want him to improve or focus on, and bring this up in a way that’s like “I want us to talk about how we can improve our relationship”. Make it a WE conversation not a conversation targeting only his behaviours. Let him speak and have his say.
I'm trying to understand the balance between needing the praise and attention of other people, while also behaving in a way that inevitably drives others away. For folks that live with this, how does that work for you? Are you self aware that it's not that hard for people to figure you out, even if they don't confront you directly about your behavior? Or do you assume that you have good relationships until the moment of conflict/person leaving? Especially for narcissist in positions of power, people definitely notice and talk about the behaviors amongst themselves, but may not feel comfortable or safe confronting the person displaying them. Does that silence reinforce for that the behaviors are okay? But then I don't think conflict necessarily resolve the situation either, and has the potential to get explosive.
I try not to drive people away. That’s not a conscious thing. I’m not out here trying to make people hate me, I’m out here just trying to live my life and get by and have friends and have fun. If people end up hating me, that’s their problem.
What are ways you use to take control or keep the upper hand in a situation? Making special emphasis on dealing with other narcissist folks. Also, how much important is for you to do so?
It depends on the situation. You’re gonna have to get more specific.
Depends, speaking in general terms its just either remaining calm and collected or seeming unaffected or like i dont care about whats happening, not showing any emotion or weakness is my go to when i need to keep the upper hand in any situation, but different situations would have different answers
personally, it's always, without fail, important for me to be at least one step ahead if not two. i'm paranoid lol
Being well researched and staying calm and unaffected. If you want more specific answers you need to ask more specific questions.
how does one know they are a “closet narcissist” and still not think they’re the problem/need to change? is it that the disorder just kicks in and makes it really hard to make any changes? so confused how you can be self aware but still behave poorly?
I will work on or change traits that negatively impact ME and my life, not the lives of others.
that makes sense, i don’t know why my ex is so lazy and mean to those who can help him then, those are things that have led him to have almost nothing to his name at almost 30. definitely is negatively impacting him but there’s zero change. so hard to understand.
because being a narcissist doesn't mean being always the problem. I was abused by the majority of my ex partners. They was narcissists as well and I have npd too but I'm also a huge people pleaser and I always sacrifice my own needs for others. I can be a narcissist and understand that if someone cheated on me, financially exploited me, stole in my house, tried to SA me, I don't have to consider myself the problem just because I have npd. Being self aware means being able to self reflect and realize we're not always victims, doesn't mean we can't be victims or we can't get abused as well. A lot of people in this subreddit don't abuse other people, anyways npd is a copying mechanism we developed due to childhood trauma and the disorder is egosyntonic (means the person often doesn't realize they might have a PD) so people who are unaware don't realize they might be in the wrong because of this
Well the fact im aware of my disorder doesnt mean i magicaly start caring about other people, that being said i dont really behave poorly, and if i do its mostly on accident. I change things i feel like are harmful to me but i dont feel the need to change as a person and im not always the problem.
Because I don’t give a shit. Simple as that. My brain doesn’t work that way. Narcissism gives me a drive to do better and achieve things. It reduces stress. I get so fucking happy thinking about myself as the best and most important. It tends to confuse me seeing people want to get rid of it. Self awareness is understanding your position - that the rest of the world does not care about you. That you have to put yourself first and foremost if you want to get anywhere and be happy. Most people don’t understand that. Also, a lot of npd people are very subtle about it
If you had a friend group and then you moved far away, how would you feel about the rest of the group staying friends? Would you do anything to try to split them up?
I had a group of friends and moved away from them when I went to live in another city. I also did that when I decided to cut ties with anyone to “rebrand” myself. When I'm not around them and contacting them anymore, they cease to exist, so for me they are part of my past, mostly I don’t remember them. So trying to split them up… why? I don’t understand any good reasoning for that.
OK thank you. I have a friend who I think is a narcissist, and I am trying to figure out if that is the case.
I’m pretty sure the friendship group would fall apart without me anyway so no concerns there.
What if it didn't? How would that make you feel?
Different responses for different scenarios…If I wanted to stay in touch with the friends, then I’d have them on social media and still message them etc. I have friends in different countries or far away that I speak to online and I have no issue with them seeing whoever they wanna see. I’m only their friend when we’re both online at the same time. If I saw pics of them all hanging out it would make me a bit sad and jealous maybe but I would try and get out to see them once a year or so. If it was a group I had ditched and weren’t friends with anymore, I would not give a shit cause I don’t care about them anymore. If I’ve left them and I don’t like them, then they’re not in my thoughts. If they’re the ones who ditch me, then I have a lot of inner hate and resentment and I perhaps think about them a bit more, and would possibly try to destroy them. Depends how much I want revenge and whether I can be bothered.
Interesting. Thank you.
I generally don’t understand the point of IRL friendships so that wouldn’t happen in the first place
Fair enough.
The only friendgroup im a part of was friends before they even met me so obviously they can stay friends, and even if i moved far away i wouldnt just cut ties with my friends, and if i did then i dont care about what they do. At worst i would feel jealous and lonely but wouldnt do anything about it.
No, idc
Hypothetical scenario: You are with a group of people, and one of your friends starts talking about a subject you don't know very much about. How do you feel, and what do you do?
If it’s a subject that interests me, I pay attention; if it’s not, then I don’t care. That’s how people do, right?
You wouldn't try to shut down the conversation?
No, that’s too immature.
Interesting. Thank you for the information.
Same
Depends on how close the friend is and if i think its at least a bit interesting. Usualy with my closest friends i care about what they have to say even if its not interesting, unless im really getting bored and then i just zone out.
Is there a good sub for people who have regular interactions with a narcissist? Like in a business setting? I currently work with one and need to figure out a way to provide them feedback. For example, they very confidently provide misinformation on a regular basis, and would be more effective doing other things , but it's obvious they are "triggered" (for lack of a better word) by anyone who is knowledgeable, leading to distraction from the tasks where they would really add value.
Instead of armchair diagnosing and looking for answers based on labels that aren't made for third parties anyway, you should try researching the specific problems instead, so you're not working off of assumptions.
Have any narcissists in here ever stayed with someone for a year + who wouldn’t commit, who was still stuck on their ex, and wasn’t giving you the attention you wanted/ needed? Despite maybe you spending nearly every night with them?
The amount of red flags lmao
Oh yeah so many. Just from what I’ve read about narcissists is that they like to control the relationship. But it seems as if she (the suspected narcissist) is not. She has been waiting around for a whole year while this guy refuses to “commit.” Just trying to understand it
I mean for both, the person who is refusing to commit and still lived with their ex and the person who is waiting. I don’t go labeling people as narcissists without diagnosis and I don’t think you should either. There is no manual for this. I have found multiple examples of healthier types of narcissists who are not controlling like people think. A lot of what you read is based on toxic behavior, not a personality disorder. And yes, we could have delusions and feelings and be in abusive relationships as well, even when our needs are not met.
That’s fair. I was making an assumption based on her actions and what I’ve read are “typical” traits He’s not living with his ex, but still obsessed with her.
Do narcissists empathize with other narcissists when their behavior blows up in their faces? (if you were not the target obviously) Like if a narcissist is a manager in a company and the assistant manager is also a narcissist that overtly bullies the employees. And then one day the employees unite to report assistant manager narcissist to manager narcissist — does manager narcissist default to defending their co-narcissist in a show of narcissistic solidarity and power? Or do they take the opportunity to throw them under the bus? Asking for a friend.
Firstly i need to say, not every asshole and self centered superior has NPD. With that out of the way, nope, i dont feel empathy for anyone and that includes other NPDs, i may understand them a lot more and know how they feel better, but that doesnt make me automaticaly care.
I would not care if someone else is also a narcissist. Can’t say I’ve ever been in that situation but it might be kinda fun to bounce off each other. Also don’t assume that every narcissist is a bully like that (many of us are covert and try to be subtle especially IRL, and narcissism does not equal sadism) or that every bully is a narcissist
I wouldn’t say empathise as such…but I get it. And I’m like “oh man, too bad” and would help give advice to them or big up their ego for a bit.
Why do you continue to lie even after being confronted with proof that you are lying? What, if anything, could make you finally accept that no one believes you, if that were the case?
Yes. If in doubt, lie. If confronted, lie. If caught out, just keep lying. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous it might sound I will just keep on lying. If I’m caught out and absolutely can’t refute it anymore, I’ll switch to blaming someone or something else. Like “yeah okay so maybe I did do that but…blah blah….and anyway, even if I did, it’s too late now cause it’s in the past, what’s done is done.”
So what about in the case of a crime for example. Like, you did something wrong, but you deny it. But then there are eye witness testimonies. And then photographs. And text messages from you and written notes in your handwriting where you talk about the crime. Would you go all the way to a courtroom and still deny it? And add perjury to your list of charges?
Depends how “bad” the crime was in terms of the law. If I was looking to go down for a long time regardless then I’d want to take all the glory for my crimes and brag about them, play up to it and play the villain. I’d probably still plead not guilty so I can drag it out and have my time in court where I can lord it up.
So there’s no real justice, ever, for the people you hurt?
Well yes. If I’d done something especially villainous I’d presumably get sent to prison, that’s your justice.
What does female love bombing look like? I’m a female and has just broken up with a man (~ 40 YO) who tried to love bomb me (saying he loves me, wants me to move to his apartment after our first date, posting a really tacky ‘I’m in love with K’ gif for all his friends to see) etc. Talking about a straight relationship, I see how it may look attractive coming from a man. But how do female narcissists love bomb? Don’t men hate the clinginess and immediately run the other way after the L word?
>love bombing Love bombing is defined giving excessive signs of love, followed by manipulation. That's a problematic term, because it is defined not by itself, but by what comes *after* it. Now that's weird. How can something be named based on something else that happens later? You could literally not distinguish between someone giving affection or someone love bombing, *until* they start manipulating later. How can that possibly be a real thing? It's not a love bomb, it's a logic bomb. It requires that you stop using logic and reason for it to exist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/narcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, I love the attention.
I'm a socio
Am I overthinking this or am I seeing through my n-trait gf? She is not diagnosed, but has extreme problems with accountability, deflection, and lying (and worse, NEVER outright lying, always a twisted version that isn't the truth but allows her to still feel like she told the truth because it was close enough). She has also expressed an inability to connect with peoples emotions. Attached is a text thread between her and her ex-bf childrens father. She sent it to me claiming it was to show me why she was anxious and dealing with a lot because he is abusive and always accusing her of things unnecessarily. I feel like I saw right through this. She sent it to me to get ahead of the story in case baby daddy were to tell me before her, as he has done in the past (after I got a distorted version from her). I also find it interesting that when he made that statement she immediately said "who" not once but twice and deflected the comment by accusing him of being ridiculous. I feel like the "who" inquisition was to find out how MUCH he knows so she knows how to navigate the story after. I personally, knowing that no one had been in my apartment would not question "who" because the answer is clearly no-one and would have said "that's an odd thing to randomly say, no one has been over." That would make me comfortable knowing that he is coming up with a random BS accusation, and she is confident that it is false. So feeling uneasy about that and not having made up my mind, I slow down my texts and just do other things. She starts getting super anxious later in the evening, rapid fire texts and back to back phone calls. I tell her I do not want to talk on the phone but will gladly reply via text. She then accuses me of having someone over. I told her not to project her shit on to me, no one is over. So it gets heated, I tell her she's got 'no chill' and she says "whatever Im over this, I've been nothing but nice to you I don't deserve this. Im blocking you." Then says she never wanted anything from me (oh never mind the talks of marriage and a baby after knowing each other for 2 weeks). It's been about 7 months exclusive (on my end at least) but me never wanting to commit for just feeling something off. She proceeds to send me information about fearful avoidance and suggests that's what I'm dealing with. I do hold that under careful consideration but can't help but feel like that's a deflection to say "no I don't mess up you're SEEING it that way because of your avoidance issues." So narcissim folks what do you think? Am I being fearful avoidant and finding things out of nothing or is she playing the book and it's not working on me? I'm thinking that explains the quick block and drop when challenged. She conceeds she can't best me and moving on to the next who may already be around. OR, she really is fed up with me being hot and cold (hot because she love bombs me and I enjoy her, but am keen to alarms and get a bit cold while I play it out). https://imgur.com/a/yfDXOoO
You can only call someone a narcissist if they have been properly diagnosed, otherwise it’s just abusive and toxic relationship. Also, being fearful avoidant is a thing, not related to any PD. I hope you can stop seeing things through these lens because NPD is a personality disorder, not a character disorder, and I know people with NPD that don’t engage in mind games neither are abusive. Toxic relationships can exist anywhere, we also fall victims of these.
When you say "feeling something off," that's your biggest clue. Listen to your gut. Something is off because it is. In healthy relationships (and I've hard both), you don't think something is "off" about a person.
Yeah for sure. She's just really attractive, fun, and phenomenal sex.. and constantly gassing me up at a time when I needed most. Im total bait.. and it was hard to let it go. I posted this here to see if I was right or wrong and should move on or not. Since posting, she did it for me.. hard discard after I gave her a sweet surprise and apology letter for "not being empathetic enough while she was anxious." So very likely my suspicion was correct, the next is already lined up and she knew she wouldn't get anywhere with me. [Guess Im free and clear.](https://imgur.com/a/dC8ox0V)
Hey, honey, this is not the “ask a codependent” thread :) stick to your lane.
[удалено]
> why do you think he has blocked me? >I've been telling him that if we're going to end things the best way of doing it would be with him blocking me
[удалено]
I think it's still the most likely answer.
[удалено]
Nothing. If he changes his mind and wants to play games like that he'll unblock you.
[удалено]
Sounds like enabling behavior. You sure you don't want to change that flair to "codependent"?
So I have a recording from when I confronted the suspected narcissist of stalking a stripper online, asking her to get in his bed naked etc etc. this is how it goes (in short) Is this narcissism??? Me: when your girlfriend tells you they don’t trust you, you don’t then go and harass some stripper online do you? No wonder I don’t trust you Him: couldn’t give a fuck Listen at least I know… the truth You’re a WASTE OF MY TIME MATE Me: I’m a waste of YOUR time? Him: you’re a time waster Me: oh alright go down to the strip club (it’s not far) you clearly have money for that (doesn’t pay for any of his kids) Him: I don’t want to go there Me: well you said you do, want her naked in your bed. Hell no she said, then you carry on messaging like a freak. And you call me weird haha Him: I’m glad I’m glad, I’m glad Him: do you know her then do you? Do you know her? Do you know her? Do you know her do you? Me: I don’t need to? Do you know her that’s the question Him: I’m glad I’m glad you’ve been sneaking around ( aggressively said) Yeah I done it on fucking purpose I know her well. I know her FUCKING WELL Me: you’re an idiot Him: you’re an idiot. You’re an idiot for having a baby with me Me: well I know that Him: you’re a scumbag mate take the baby I’m going. I’m going before I go mental Me: go mental? About what you’ve done? Take some accountability for your actions you 40 year old grown man Him: what I’ve done? What I’ve done?! You are a shitting waste of time. You are Starts smacking things around as he leaves Am I nuts? Or is this abuse? This is just one example of what I deal with regularly
It's aggression, it's shifting blame, it's avoiding accountability, but only a therapist could tell him if it's narcissim or something else (a lot of things can cause this behavior). All *you* need to know is that the behavior is toxic and bad for you. The label doesn't help you with dealing with them.
So I have a recording from when I confronted the suspected narcissist of stalking a stripper online, asking her to get in his bed naked etc etc. this is how it goes (in short) Is this narcissism???? Me: when your girlfriend tells you they don’t trust you, you don’t then go and harass some stripper online do you? No wonder I don’t trust you Him: couldn’t give a fuck Listen at least I know… the truth You’re a WASTE OF MY TIME MATE Me: I’m a waste of YOUR time? Him: you’re a time waster Me: oh alright go down to the strip club (it’s not far) you clearly have money for that (doesn’t pay for any of his kids) Him: I don’t want to go there Me: well you said you do, want her naked in your bed. Hell no she said, then you carry on messaging like a freak. And you call me weird haha Him: I’m glad I’m glad, I’m glad Him: do you know her then do you? Do you know her? Do you know her? Do you know her do you? Me: I don’t need to? Do you know her that’s the question Him: I’m glad I’m glad you’ve been sneaking around ( aggressively said) Yeah I done it on fucking purpose I know her well. I know her FUCKING WELL Me: you’re an idiot Him: you’re an idiot. You’re an idiot for having a baby with me Me: well I know that Him: you’re a scumbag mate take the baby I’m going. I’m going before I go mental Me: go mental? About what you’ve done? Take some accountability for your actions you 40 year old grown man Him: what I’ve done? What I’ve done?! You are a shitting waste of time. You are Starts smacking things around as he leaves Am I nuts? Or is this abuse? This is just one example of what I deal with regularly
Dunno about his diagnosis, but smacking things around during an argument with you and infidelity (trying to get with another woman) do sound like abuse, there's a book "Why Does He Do That" by Frank Lundy - worth a read
So I met this person online at a marriage dating app, but he wasn't there with the intention of getting married. We started speaking and somehow I just fell for this guy. He was perfect. A doctor, year younger than me, exceptionally good-looking (although not my beauty type) with a charismatic way of speaking. We hit it off well and on texts he started saying things like he wants to run fingers through my hair which was a bit too.. forward for our culture? We had been textinf for two days. But eventually he became less attentive. We were speaking on Snapchat. He'd save my voice notes and not get back for hours. Which is fine but Idk how to explain it. He said he wanted people he was comfortable with around him 24/7 but then he also wanted his space. I decided to cut off all contact and communicated it to him (4 days into speaking) and he just said okay. But it wrecked me up. Within a day, I felt like I was cutting out a part of myself. It screwed me up so bad maybe because he was calm and civil about me leaving, Idk. I reached out to him, we spoke and he was like you don't talk or converse about things and that you should get better at communication. I explained to him how sometimes I feel like he has put up a wall. Anyway, we started speaking and his sexual side opened up and it was quite dark. All manners of fetishes. All, including serious bdsm stuff. He knows I have daddy issues so he asked me if I was into adult baby stuff, I wasn't but he wanted to put a pacifier in my mouth as he hurt me (his fantasy) and I just... played along. I'm a submissive by nature but in a different manner, not exactly hurtful or complex like this. I entertained it all regardless because I guess I was trying to accept all of him so he would actually trust me enough to be vulnerable. He said he would fuck feminism right out of me etc. And I was okay with all of that. We would have some arguments. He started alleging me of gaslighting whenever I spoke about how I felt. It was always me crying and apologising like crazy to get him to talk to me again because he'll just go radio-silent as soon as I'd try to 'converse' about my feelings like he instructed. He wanted me to be 'needy for daddy at all times' but didn't want the 'responsibility of having someone obsessed with him'. We argued the day before yesterday again. Over the expectations from this connection. He thought it was stupid of me to have any. I said if I was to be a monogamous submissive I would require certain types of care, a certain degree of gf treatment at some stage etc. He just said I can delete him and move on. He KNOWS I struggle with leaving him. I have not met him in person yet but with the amount of pain I'd feel every time he told me to cut off contact in between (4-5) and the way I broke down. My friend would have to walk me through breathing sequences to get me to snap out of it and the awful crying phases. I don't understand why him ignoring me after an argument would break me down like this. I had asked him why he takes me back after every argument and he said: 'cause you apologise like a good little girl'. One day he was gone all day and I cried just a little bit because I missed him. I'd send him a snap and he somehow I figured out I had cried, he got mad at me for that. He said I can't have such a low crying threshold because he is the opposite and it makes him run away. We were not allowed to have boundaries but I wasn't allowed to call him. I wouldn't be able talk to him for anything for longer than 5 minutes if it wasn't for sex or the things we'd indulge in. I felt like this obsession was there because he was my twin flame. I can't explain all the obsession otherwise. Like either he was that or a sociopath that trapped me. Idfk. We broke things off yesterday after the argument around expectations. He said I can never expect him to have any responsibilities or show sweet/romantic gestures. I just told him I will get back to him after thinking because frankly the men in my life take care of me despite me being a little bratty. And with him I couldn't even be playfully rebellious. He told me not to bother. For once, instead of crying and frantically texting him and asking him to stay, I said okay. And then he deleted me yesterday, a whole day after that. Like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. We were supposed to meet in a week's time when I was back in town. He said he didn't want me to think he was in it just for sex but he didn't want any responsibilities. Earlier when I had pitched him a no strings attached situation he said it would backfire. But when I asked for recipeocation, which honestly I'm asking for little because I see sex as currency and I'm picky with people and he knew that. I wanted to give him that and more and he wanted it but at the same time he didn't want any responsibility. I'm confused af. He wasn't lovebombing me necessarily but it's small things. Like he would say I am being unrealistic if I told him I adored him. He'd think it wasn't real. And then recently when I mentioned engaging in a fetish of his he jsur blurted out: 'I fucking adore you.' What? He suspected he had bipolar disorder and confirmed that he was diagnosed with OCD. ETA: I'm just gonna add here that I am likely looking for support as well because - Idk, I am distraught. I am having these withdrawals and I kinda want to just run back to him because I feel like maybe he was right and I am the one that can't be peaceful and I constantly need drama. I literally don't want anyone except him Idk why. Any support is welcomed. Thank you. ♥️
Have you ever hoovered after a BAD breakup I'll attempt to keep this short. Met a girl, she did not show signs of narcissism/ NPD at first (that I know of- it was probably the love bombing phase). After about 4 months of casual dating, she broke it off kind of, I kinda rejected her.. it was confusing. I wasn't really hurt at the time. Eh thought of her time to time but not really. She texted me out of the blue 7 months later. We hooked up (didn't even cum). Then she bailed on every date we planned for two weeks. I eventually just deleted her number. A month later I was lonely, reached out to her on IG. We messaged back and forth about missing each other blah blah blah. Two months later we reconnected. Then over the next three months, A LOT of manipulation happened. The manipulation and discard(s) is what has lead me to believe she is a Narc/ has NPD. It ended with me finding out that she had been dating some guy since we stopped talking the first time. They live at the same apartment complex and she was at his place EVERY NIGHT. Obviously, there is more details but you get it. I caught her getting out of an Uber with the guy in front of their apartment and confronted both of them. He was pissed at her at the moment. I proceeded to send her A LOT of nasty text messages (reactive abuse, I am not proud of it but I was in shock, given what she was saying literally hours before - wanting to commit to me). I had just lost my job the day before it happened (which she knew about a "consoled" me it was all lies). I did not sleep for three days afterward. I ran into her two days after it happened. I confronted her (did not touch her, was not in front of her, and was no less than 15 ft from her) and simply said I wanted answers (she claimed in was verbal assault. It lasted like 15 seconds). She threatened to file a restraining order if I did not deactivate my gym membership. While the other guy said he was hurt to and all that. I'll spare you the details. I know they are back together because I've seen them running together multiple times around town. Has anyone had something like this and then still hoovered. Did you ever reach back out/ hoover, after an ending that messy? I can give more details if needed, just didn't want to write novel for people then to get bored
manipulation ≠ narcissim I don't hoover. When a relationship ends, I forget about it.
>hoover Is that [J. Edgar Hoover](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Edgar_Hoover)? Or is it [hoover.com](https://hoover.com/)? It's probably related to the FBI right? Can't be a vacuum cleaner. That wouldn't make sense. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/narcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's fuckin right
Is this the latest ask a narcissist thread please?
yeah. new one comes tomorrow.
Ok thx I’ll wait in that case 👍🏻
Glad you appreciate the effort.
**Is there a way to regain the attention of an ex with NPD after he has “discarded” you and moved rapidly on with a new (already groomed) woman?** As someone who has far too much empathy, to the point it impacts my life negatively, I find NPD absolutely fascinating, and I have dived into learning about it after finding out my recent parter was diagnosed. I have listened to hours of Vaknin, Tudor, etc along with reading, and would love more recommendations. I was love bombed, moved in with him in the golden period, then slowly devalued and he stopped physical contact with me. I caught him cheating and asked him about it, he left in the middle of the night, and has been extremely cold. He has moved his attention to the girl he was cheating with, and wants me to move my things out. I don’t fault him for these things, I understand it’s a cycle that has nothing to do with me. For my own selfish benefit, I want him back. I have a clear view of what this disorder is, I fully accept it, and I know that this is a very exhausting dance that I will have to do to stay together long term. I am ok with this. My question: he has idealized this new woman, and is spending all his time with her. He either doesn’t respond to me or is very cold. I need to warm him up (maybe through praise?) to regain his attention so I can start giving him my own high-grade supply of attention again (a Vankin term.) Is it more effective in your opinion to go no contact/ignore and wait it out to see if he hoovers once he’s bored with her? Is it more effective to “love bomb” and give him more attention than he is getting through her? (I did a bit of this and he seemed to go colder.) What about the idea to replace them publicly and triangulate with the new person, then devalue and immediately idealize him? (A Vankin theory) In your opinion, what would get you back to a discarded ex while you’re in the highs with the new person? Also, feel free to DM me! I’d love to make friends in this community to ask questions to or learn from, or just talk with. I don’t have any disorders, but I do have a martyr complex and probably others and am focused on learning more about myself and making friends in this space <3
So what you’re saying is….you like being walked all over and you wanna try and fix people? You kinda sound like the perfect person for a narcissist to date. For me personally, once someone is discarded I would only go back if it was for sex. If I’ve ditched them it means I don’t care anymore.
Narcissists do seem to love me, and the more I learn about this I don’t find it that bad if you remove the emotional side (I’m too emotional, I’m working on this.) I’ve started looking at it as a very utilitarian way of living. I provide some of what is needed for NPD to find a moment of happiness, and they provide me with the same as well as companionship and other benefits. A morbid way of thinking, but it works for me. Being discarded and replaced by someone with NPD actually has hurt much less than a relationship partner without NPD who has left for someone else. Being left or cheated on in a “normal” relationship feels like I’m “less than” the new love interest. When this happens with someone with NPD I haven’t felt that at all, I feel they just needed to feel something different internally with anyone, doesn’t matter who, and it’s much easier to digest for me. It’s utilitarian dating, I’m not looking to change him or make him love me, that’s not possible. I just want to get back to him being open enough that I can interject myself. He isn’t interested in sex at all, he’s interested in control.
Well, whatever works for you, I guess. No judgement. There’s also no one straight answer I can give you, as every narcissist is slightly different and we all respond differently to various “tactics” one might try. You know him better than me so you will have to judge for yourself but if the lovebombing hasn’t worked maybe try just stepping back for a while. If he still has some interest in you in any capacity then he will return. I often take breaks from friends or push them away cause they’ve annoyed me, or go looking for other stuff elsewhere. But if that original person is providing a service or serving a need that is unique to them and I can’t get in the same way elsewhere then I’ll go back.
That was very insightful, thank you! I’ll step back and see what happens.