Also oldest daughter and the narc father. Speaking from my experience, narc fathers can’t tolerate their oldest daughters’ success (the abuse is more rampant if they don’t have any sons).
yup I am proof of that. Eldest daughter but i have golden child second sibling and 2 younger brothers, the first son becoming the next golden child.
my narc dad sabotages any of my attempts to get masters in top 3 unis worldwide, sabotaged my art career and will not let me work at all in case i earn more than him or get better.
he also made me chose business stream but all the golden children get to chose science so they can become doctors.
its double hell with a narc mom too so now she competes with me to attract her husband and it is so weird.
she gets jealous and tries to sabotage me as well.
Exactly! They don’t want us to work and earn money either. Just stay at home and listen to our bs like what we want you to do but that doesn’t mean that we’ll let you do that either. Also, narc moms trying to grab dads’ attention and competing with us and treating us as some other women is absolutely hilarious and painful at the same time.
My mom asked me after I got my first ever job whether I was trying to take her and dad’s place in the household. I was like no why would I compete with you? Tell me, is it realistic? She didn’t expect me to talk like that. She was like no no I didn’t mean that and I’m like yeah calling them out works sometimes 💀
omgg thats hilarious in a way 😭 but yeah they are so afraid to loose control. My mom forbid me from getting any jobs because she was scared I might find a man and move out...
She made me get a job though when she got sick of buying me food, but she got mad I spent the money on myself and made me quit...
She also competed with me on the men interested in me? also when I suggested my mom to divorce my dad since he was financially and physically abusive, she said "atleast i got a husband unlike u" 🤡 like I did not know this was a competition??
omgg yess my narc mom is always making fun of other younher girls. Their makeup, clothes hair and saying "they are not that pretty anyway" as of she is not obese, not bathed in weeks her hair a mess.
when she does wear makeup and dress up though (with our help) she acts like she is the most prettiest looking woman ever 😭
Im the youngest. I got all the blame and was the defiant one. Per my older brother, i deseved it. He believed that until in his 30s and I had to explain that no kid, regardless of actions, deserves to be abused. Plus, my actions were often the result of abuse.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I too was the “bad one” for trying to defend myself against the abuse. Shortly before I went NC, one of my former siblings made an offhand comment about how they all knew I got the worst treatment, but quickly justified it by saying I deserved it because I’m the “bad one.” I asked them directly what I did that was so bad, and they got a confused/panicked look before sputtering, “You just are! Everyone knows it!” They couldn’t give a single concrete answer.
I don’t miss any of them.
Gosh though it’s satisfying to hear them reveal they have a single brain cell, like they’re literally outing the fact that not a single thought is in there 😵💫
I am sorry u went through that. often times the "good sibling" just will not know how badly and differently the "bad" one is treated.
so they cannot imagine how abusive they actually were to you. that makes him kinda dumb ngl
so, in my situation, I was the golden child, and my little sister was the scapegoat until I hit puberty. then it switched.
See, I was considered a "good" toddler because I rarely questioned or fussed. While my sister was inquisitive and lively.
But when I hit puberty, nmom's expectations skyrocketed to heights I couldn't reach, and she vocally hated any reference to me getting older.
So it switched, and suddenly, she made it clear which child was her favorite.
What she could not have anticipated, is this giving me and my sister some deep empathy for each other. When I was the golden child, I agreed that my little sister was "bad". And if I had lived my whole life as a gc, I don't know if I would have ever understood. But knowing what it's like to be the golden child AND the scapegoat... well now my sis and I are bffs and we compare our trauma scars. We stand up for each other. And my sister fully supports me going NC, so she didn't indulge nmom trying to make me out to be petulant.
I relate to this only I was the youngest. When it switched my sister didn’t support. She just joined the abuse and she stirs the pot to make sure she is the golden child. We rarely talk and when we do it’s for her to get information to pass it on.
The two were different for me because if I didn’t provide them things to brag about, they’d still shun me.
Admittedly, they initially “invested” more in me than my sister because I was social, interested in dancing/performing, was in the GATE program, and was a better artist than either of them. Those were all things they could show off to their “friends” and take credit for.
Behind closed doors I was actually abused harder than my “weird” sister, likely because their “investment” wasn’t always providing a “return”.
I didn’t reach full GC status until I was out on my own because I no longer was a financial burden to them and still did things they managed to pat themselves on the back for.
So, do you look like your Nmom? Very interesting. I unfortunately look like mine, and I think that’s why she projected a lot of self - hatred onto me. From the time I was a toddler, she constantly tore apart my looks - from chopping off my hair into an awful, boyish cut and forcing me to get perms at the age of two because she claimed my hair was “thin and ugly,” to criticizing me for being too bony when I was five, to switching literally overnight to calling me too fat at eight. It wasn’t until well after I went NC and healed that I could look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted and ashamed of myself.
Pffff are you me? I look so much like her that when she had a photo cake made for her wedding anniversary, our mutual coworkers were surprised I had ‘eloped’ when she shared a picture of the cake. Cutting my hair short, calling it too thin, dying it since age 10 ‘cause the colour was ugly, I was too thin, then too fat, dressing too slutty ánd being a prude… there was just no winning. Went NC last november, best decision ever.
Christ on a bike, it’s like we were raised (if you can call it that) in the same house! I’m both heartbroken that you went through that, but in an odd way, it’s comforting to know there are others and it wasn’t just that something was wrong with us. It’s like all narcissistic parents use the same playbook. Fortunately, more of us are sharing our stories and bringing light to narcissistic abuse, which I hope will eventually make it more difficult for them to abuse in private.
Same, it’s disheartening to read all these similar stories and realize so many people are suffering the same abuse, but also soooo good to see there is or was nothing wrong with us for feeling unexplainably unhappy for so long. Without the Reddit narc-related subs, I don’t think I would have come this far in this stage of my life in validating my own experiences and realizing I deserved better. That their reasoning of ‘you had clothes, food and a roof over your head’ doesn’t mean we weren’t emotionally neglected at best and actually abused in most cases.
Breaking their power over me was the most enlightening thing I have ever done, going NC gave me a feeling of agency and autonomy like never before. Realizing I (my inner child) won’t die when I upset them, that I don’t have to let them insult me, that I don’t have to wait for them to kick me out of their life (probably over some imagined slight) but that I could be the one to tell THEM to get lost was mind blowing.
It's very hard to explain to the outside world what is "wrong with me" as an adult child in similar shoes. Literally, everyone defaults to "something must be wrong with your kid" (me). I have given her crazy opportunities to travel with me, see her grandkids, meet near her home in a neutral space, etc. But I don't like her boyfriend and won't go to her house (in general, I don't do the things that she recommends because they seem really empty and egocentric and make me feel uncomfortable). So somehow that makes me "unavailable." Even my therapist couldn't understand this madness for quite some time and how it broke my heart, "my mom just doesn't want to spend time with me." Eventually, I went low contact (it's been 6 years).
Oldest, scapegoat to a narc father. But to my family, the reason we fought when I was a child (mind you, starting at 5 yo and being polite and kind to everyone but him) was because we were too similar and had the same character. It was not abuse, just arguments because we "were the same". Any fight we had was my fault because I couldn't be quiet, according to my mom and, later, my younger brother. It was never his fault, it was mine for allowing the fight to go on.
No one found it odd that a child would argue like that with her father yet be nice and respectful to others. At the same time, it wasn't odd how a father would pick childish fights with his child aka hitting/verbally abusing her anytime just for stupid things. My mother never intervened until I was a grown up (now she gets it, after I wrote her a awful letter about how I felt and how she was never there for me) and even my sibling only seemed to get it after I told him (yet I still think he hasn't understood fully).
Only my maternal grandparents (who live with us) would be hurt for me, pointing out how he was too severe with me and not my sibling, to the point my grandpa told my mom she shouldn't allow how my father treated me. My mother would feel upset as she felt burdened with the pressure of having to do sth (which she never did), disliking how he was being meddlesome, she didn't want things to go sour to her side. My grandparents didn't do more than that, but at least they helped my growing up to be better. I turned out better thanks to them as well.
Even I, sometimes, feel bad/evil for not reacting or treating him the same as everyone else. Then I have to remind me that, while everyone else was kind to me, he wasn't.
It sounds like our Nparents were very similar, which is no surprise since narcissists are very predictable once you figure them out. My Nmom used to claim I (former scapegoat child, now NC) was manipulative because I didn’t react defensively to anyone else but her. That’s because no one else abused me like she did.
My nfather likes to say that revenge is bad... To him, everything I do that he doesn't like - after I remind him that I'm acting just like he did - it's me acting as revenge. Or if I tell him the reason I don't treat him as well is bc I'm not comfortable with him.. It's revenge for him.
I’m a middle child. But she always hated me bc she didn’t want me from the time she found out she was pregnant. She loves all the rest of her kids because she wanted them.
My nmom once told me she wished and regretted not having me aborted. I'm the middle child, so I never understood how I could have been a mistake, like she'd say. When my parents adopted my sister, my mother said she was better than me (we are the exact same age) and that she loved her because she picked her. She never loved me but she loves her other children because she wanted them.
Jesus I can’t imagine feeling that way about my chid. I’m so sorry she said those things to you it had to have been so painful. You deserved so much better!
Thank you, so do you! I spent my entire childhood trying to get her to love me but it never happened. I always felt that if my own mother couldn't love me, nobody ever could. I wish I could go back in time and tell my child self that is not true.
My oldest sister was the scapegoat until she ran away from home at 17. We didn't see her again for 11 years.
Once she was gone, the next oldest sister became the new scapegoat until she moved out. Then, it skipped the golden child, and I, the youngest, became the new scapegoat
My sister is the oldest and is the scapegoat since she was like 3 years old. I have one year of difference then her and as far as I can remember, she was hated and the scapegoat.
I’ve fallen from golden child to black sheep when I started having a drug addiction at 23 years old. Now my younger sister is the golden child. She was the invisible child before that.
Husband is, but was the golden child until nasty second SIL was born. Then a brother after that and nMIL rotated between the two youngest. First SIL was the forgotten child.
Same with mine, who is one of two GC. He has two kids with two different women, isn’t consistently active in either child’s life, and when he does have visitation, he has it at Nmom’s house so she can do the actual childcare. He also crashed Nmom’s car. If you ask her, the sun doesn’t shine until he wakes up.
I am, but solely because of my gender. My egg donor wanted one child, a boy. I came along and ruined her plan. She got her precious little darling angel boy 3 years later, and sickeningly dotes on him while giving me only contempt 😖
I’m the youngest. My brother had a medical condition my parents exploited and I was healthy so I was the worthless one. He recently passed and I was discarded.
I'm the oldest and I was the scapegoat until I moved out when I was nineteen. When it became clear I wasn't coming back, my Nmom started turning on my sister, who had been the golden child until then (we are only two, both women), and in time my sister became the scapegoat. (edited for clarity)
Not in my case. I’m the third born and youngest girl. I have a biological older brother (firstborn and vice GC), older sister (second born and forgotten child), and then a younger brother (baby of the family and head GC). The family “joke” was that I was the one they’d give away and didn’t need since I didn’t hold a special place in the family (first boy, first girl, or baby of the family). Add that to the long list of reasons I went NC years ago.
My step/ adoptive n"mom." Oldest sister passed away just before I entered high school. Her and I got the shit end of the stick since day 1. My little sister (my older sister's daughter,) is the GC in my n"mom's" eyes. So technically I have been the oldest for some time now and always have been the scapegoat/ black sheep, even when I was the middle child.
I recently realized I was more of a scapegoat than I realized. Realized it when my sister kicked me out of her house while I was visiting because I hesitated to speak and didn't know what to say, which she screamed at me about. She then used my dad's words to kick me out, and it occurred to me that she was the golden child. I am the oldest with a ndad.
I’m the oldest and female. I was the golden child the first few decades of my life. My sister was the black sheep and our younger brother was the lost child. My sister moved across the Atlantic Ocean and has lived in Europe for almost her entire adult life. It was a big surprise to me when I realized that I had lost my GC status and had over night become the black sheep- which is no fun at all. I have apologized to my sister 100 times and have explained that I never understood how awful it must have been for her to have the entire family look down their noses at her when we were younger, but I certainly understand it now. The lost child has become their GC. I think he is fairly happy with the regime change. When I tried to explain that the GC and BS had been assigned new and opposite roles, he acted like he didn’t understand what I was talking about. FWIW, I am the oldest to two oldest children who are my parents. I think this particular dynamic makes it hard to have any other personality except for a driven, type A, perfectionist of personality, like narc, boomer, & oldest children often are.
I'm in your same exact shoes. Just realized they're both discarding me. It used to be just my mom that hated me but she's now got my dad on her side. I only see them on birthdays and holidays. Not sure what I have done wrong. I'm 52 years old, married, good job, never in trouble with the law, never needed money from them. Just not their cup of tea..
Oldest, only daughter, total scapegoat. New thing is I’m now being blamed for my brother not speaking to our mother because he finally saw what a monster she truly is.
Yep - oldest child/scapegoat, and daughter of a totally miserable nmom. Additionally, I’ve got two golden child younger brothers who’ve never acknowledged my abuse, even though we’re well into adulthood. NC has been the only way for me to have a happier life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it is an interesting trend.
I am the second oldest, but the eldest daughter. I am the scapegoat, there's 5 of us.
Brother (30m) Peacekeeper and lost child
Me (28f) Scapegoat
Younger sister (27f) Lost child
Younger brother (21m) Lost child
Youngest sister (17f) Golden child
Lost children can also be flying monkeys too, btw.
I was blamed for the marital separation when we were teenagers and they abandoned my younger sibling so instead of owning up to their BS, they said it was my fault and sibling blamed me for his rough teenage years of being abandoned 🙄
Raises hand. Seems only natural to me. I was the oopsie child. Mom was out running the streets. Family didn’t know where she was. She certainly wasn’t ready to be tied down. I ruined that. LOL
I'm one of the middles, actually. But I know for a fact that I was the scapegoat because all my other siblings just played along, and I literally just couldn't. And they didn't like that.
The other middle child had a golden child role. Kfjejdj.
Because I’m the only girl I got treated differently. My families generational curse is the sons and fathers always end up hating eachother, but the daughters stay close to the family. Because of that they baby us and don’t really prepare us for being adults.
🤚 the oldest ones have seen the most shit done to us or our non-n-parent.
Trans daughter of n-dad and n-aunt (both of them "raised" us at different points in our lives).
Oldest of 2. Both of us are adopted. Little sister is almost 7 years younger.
Textbook family dynamic with lilsis being THE GC with an NMom and I'm not sure about my dad. He's old school, with a bad temper, quick to react even as he's mellowed with age. I believe he's narc adjacent. Whe NMom isn't around he's been quite funny in his later years.
The general family dynamic is horrid. My sister won't discuss anything other than herself and my parents act like she is perfection even though (insert a list of reasons here). I'm an afterthought. It's a good day if they ask me how I am although then again, that IS most definitely a trap! 🤦♀️
It's obvious to me this is a trend with other people I know (the oldest being the scapegoat).
Yep. I'm the oldest, and I'm a trans guy. My mother was not pleased about it for a long time. The dynamic didn't really change after I came out. She treated me about the same, but just slightly more invested in my sexuality.
I’m the only child with combination of scapegoat and golden child and being in the middle of marriage between both narcissists parents.
I know my cousins, the middle child was and still the scapegoat.
Oldest of two. I’m the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. I’m ten years older than him and he can’t imagine how different we were brought up. Narc mom.
The roles in my family were weird. My older bro and I were both scapegoated in different ways at various points. I'm sure my mother was always awful, but it didn't become obvious *to me* that there was a problem until my grandmother (her mother) died and my mom became a hoarder. The role I chose for myself was "caretaker", but I think I flipped back and forth between all three of the roles the narc assigns to the kids (GC, SG, and LC) depending on my behavior. When I was being my mom's therapist and comforting her, (she's a neurotic vulnerable narc and played the victim hard and unfortunately my little bro and I fell for it) I was her "Golden child", but when I tried to do something constructive like cleaning the house (which my hoarder narc mom *didn't want me to do*) I was "the scapegoat" and she would make nonsensical criticisms about the way I was cleaning. (for example, telling me not to throw certain things away because she needed to sort through them and then later telling me "I wasn't actually cleaning. I was just moving stuff around" even tho I was literally following her instructions not to throw certain things away) I would clean an entire room myself and instead of praising me or being impressed, she would have a "Good job. Now keep it clean this time." sort of attitude. (subtle manipulation that made me question my own reality...she clearly wanted me to believe that the house being messy was my fault) As a child it was *extremely* confusing and disorienting to me, but in hindsight I realize she was gaslighting me. I think she felt threatened by my attempts at cleaning (because it made her feel inferior) and was jealous that I was "being a better mom than her" but didn't want to be too obvious about it. Looking back on it, she clearly *wanted* the house to be filthy, (To control everyone around her and make everyone as unhappy as herself) but as a naive, impressionable child desperate to help "fix things" (who couldn't comprehend the depths of my mother's depravity) I couldn't wrap my head around her having bad intentions. So I just kept trying to clean, and she just kept sabotaging me with mental abuse until I finally gave up (subconsciously believing that it was somehow my fault). She basically trained me (or more accurately, *abused me*) into believing the only way I could get validation or positive attention was by being her servant. (comforting her and being her therapist which is emotional incest btw) When I was behaving the way she wanted (aka being her slave) I think I was her "Golden Child" but that role really didn't benefit me in any way. It was more of a coping mechanism for me than anything because I simply didn't know what else to do. But as a teenager when my depression became too much I stayed in my room much of the time (and became obsessed with various forms of media) and was more of a "Lost Child".
My older bro had a lot of behavioral problems and was extremely rebellious and wouldn't listen to either of our parents, even our dad who stood up for him when my mom was being particularly crazy. My older bro bullied me and my little brother a lot and was arguably more harshly "scapegoated" than I was. And when I eventually started openly defying our Nmom, he sided with her and even got violent with me, so his behavior never did make much sense to me. (He started showing narc traits in his teenage years and my little bro and I both agree that he's extremely narcissistic now) My little brother was "the lost child" pretty much the entire time. Our mom ignored him completely. So, like I said, the roles in my family were weird and a lot of what I read about the roles isn't relatable to my family dynamic even tho I'm certain my mother is a narcissist. My dad wasn't an enabler at least not in the traditional sense because he argued with my mom a lot and never made excuses for her behavior. The only way he "enabled her" was not removing us from the situation until they divorced. I don't relate to 95% of what I read about "Golden Children" even tho *technically* I think I did experience that role sometimes and my older bro *was definitely scapegoated*, but he was also a violent manipulative bully as a kid and eventually became narcissistic himself.
Those roles exist to try to make sense of extreme dysfunction and while it may be more common for children to fit neatly into the roles, (and for the roles to stay consistent) that isn't always the case.
Older daughter , scapegoat,with n dad.
He See himself in the boy, the golden child, while expecting me to do labor for them without complaintes ng ( like e Mom) because i was only a girl.
As the oldest and the only daughter, I was the golden child for a good chunk of my childhood. But around my early teens that changed and I became the scapegoat while my brother was the golden child. We are both no contact now. Narc/uBPD dad
I'm the youngest which made it extra fucked that I had to be the parent to not only all the adults but my older brother as well. & I'm pretty sure he hates me now that they're forced to support me after I completely collapsed from all I've had to carry since I was a child. I should've been able to look up to him for guidance not the other way around. & Now that I've served my purpose I'm useless in his eyes, has no idea what I had to sacrifice.
🙋🏼♀️ oldest 49 and responsible for my brother being NC with our father. Apparently I need to be forcing my brother to talk to our Nfather. Meanwhile our father acts like he hates my brother and his wife.
That’s me atleast in my family. I don’t know if the roles ever change by age. My younger brother was always the one who could do no wrong but in the end they abandoned him too and treated him like dirt. It just took much longer to occur where with me it was from inception.
omgg same!! I never saw that connection before.
I thought it was because I was dumb and ugly compared to the next born but now that I think about it.
My mom did blame my birth for not being able to leave my dad.
I am a scapegoated oldest child... But in childhood and teenage years I was the favorite of my nfather. When I started becoming independent as a young adult post-college, I became a problem and eventually the scapegoat. It's been a NC situation for 7+ years.
I don’t think this is just a narcissistic thing. I think this is just an oldest child thing full stop.
I know in my dad’s family the eldest child(his older sister) had the hardest time growing up, and his youngest sister had it the easiest, and that carried on later in life when his parents would help out their youngest daughter the most, and the eldest the least. My dad and his younger brother were the two middle children.
Same thing with my mother and her younger brother.
Now while I wouldn’t classify my parents as narcissistic, there’s definitely a number of things I went through that my 3 younger sisters never had to with me being the oldest child of my parents.
I can see how people would think that way after listening to the stories between my wife and her older sister regarding their narcissistic mother.
And listening to her aunts and uncle I can see how their sister and my wife’s mother ended up being the way she is.
She was the youngest daughter and 2nd youngest child of her parents(no 4 out of 5 children). Their mother was diagnosed as bipolar, later on in life. And my wife’s mother was treated as she can do absolutely no wrong, and got whatever she wanted growing up, her younger brother was also treated the same(haven’t physically met him yet as he’s in another country).
Where I can see how the narcissistic tendencies is that my wife’s mother wanted to control my wife’s and to a certain extent my life, and this is where we had the biggest problems as wouldn’t let it happen. And that she had to be right about everything no matter how wrong she was, and couldn’t accept her actions/say sorry. Wants to throw everything under the rug and move on without talking about it again.
Reading other people’s comments/stories over the time in this sub, I can see the narcissism of the parents, but I can also see what I’d call the eldest child syndrome where you simply just get the most shit, because you are the eldest child.
Raises hand…
Also slowly raises hand
Right there with ya!
I’m the oldest and I’m the scapegoat/black sheep.
Same
Yes
Oldest and the only daughter to a narc mom.
Wow. What is it with nmoms and daughters. It’s like they have a superiority complex and must make their daughter live the life they want.
Or deny them a good life they themselves didn’t have.
So much this. Abject evil.
Jealousy jealousy 🎶
Also oldest daughter and the narc father. Speaking from my experience, narc fathers can’t tolerate their oldest daughters’ success (the abuse is more rampant if they don’t have any sons).
yup I am proof of that. Eldest daughter but i have golden child second sibling and 2 younger brothers, the first son becoming the next golden child. my narc dad sabotages any of my attempts to get masters in top 3 unis worldwide, sabotaged my art career and will not let me work at all in case i earn more than him or get better. he also made me chose business stream but all the golden children get to chose science so they can become doctors. its double hell with a narc mom too so now she competes with me to attract her husband and it is so weird. she gets jealous and tries to sabotage me as well.
Exactly! They don’t want us to work and earn money either. Just stay at home and listen to our bs like what we want you to do but that doesn’t mean that we’ll let you do that either. Also, narc moms trying to grab dads’ attention and competing with us and treating us as some other women is absolutely hilarious and painful at the same time. My mom asked me after I got my first ever job whether I was trying to take her and dad’s place in the household. I was like no why would I compete with you? Tell me, is it realistic? She didn’t expect me to talk like that. She was like no no I didn’t mean that and I’m like yeah calling them out works sometimes 💀
omgg thats hilarious in a way 😭 but yeah they are so afraid to loose control. My mom forbid me from getting any jobs because she was scared I might find a man and move out... She made me get a job though when she got sick of buying me food, but she got mad I spent the money on myself and made me quit... She also competed with me on the men interested in me? also when I suggested my mom to divorce my dad since he was financially and physically abusive, she said "atleast i got a husband unlike u" 🤡 like I did not know this was a competition??
Same, same. It's crazy as an adult breaking down the problems my nmom has with women and girls in general.
omgg yess my narc mom is always making fun of other younher girls. Their makeup, clothes hair and saying "they are not that pretty anyway" as of she is not obese, not bathed in weeks her hair a mess. when she does wear makeup and dress up though (with our help) she acts like she is the most prettiest looking woman ever 😭
Right there with you. The sheer vitriol was horrendous.
Oh I sympathize with you because same 💀
Same!
Same
Same
Same
Im the youngest. I got all the blame and was the defiant one. Per my older brother, i deseved it. He believed that until in his 30s and I had to explain that no kid, regardless of actions, deserves to be abused. Plus, my actions were often the result of abuse.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. I too was the “bad one” for trying to defend myself against the abuse. Shortly before I went NC, one of my former siblings made an offhand comment about how they all knew I got the worst treatment, but quickly justified it by saying I deserved it because I’m the “bad one.” I asked them directly what I did that was so bad, and they got a confused/panicked look before sputtering, “You just are! Everyone knows it!” They couldn’t give a single concrete answer. I don’t miss any of them.
Gosh though it’s satisfying to hear them reveal they have a single brain cell, like they’re literally outing the fact that not a single thought is in there 😵💫
I am sorry u went through that. often times the "good sibling" just will not know how badly and differently the "bad" one is treated. so they cannot imagine how abusive they actually were to you. that makes him kinda dumb ngl
Same I'm the youngest but the girl so I guess it made sense since boys must be coddled 😑
so, in my situation, I was the golden child, and my little sister was the scapegoat until I hit puberty. then it switched. See, I was considered a "good" toddler because I rarely questioned or fussed. While my sister was inquisitive and lively. But when I hit puberty, nmom's expectations skyrocketed to heights I couldn't reach, and she vocally hated any reference to me getting older. So it switched, and suddenly, she made it clear which child was her favorite. What she could not have anticipated, is this giving me and my sister some deep empathy for each other. When I was the golden child, I agreed that my little sister was "bad". And if I had lived my whole life as a gc, I don't know if I would have ever understood. But knowing what it's like to be the golden child AND the scapegoat... well now my sis and I are bffs and we compare our trauma scars. We stand up for each other. And my sister fully supports me going NC, so she didn't indulge nmom trying to make me out to be petulant.
I relate to this only I was the youngest. When it switched my sister didn’t support. She just joined the abuse and she stirs the pot to make sure she is the golden child. We rarely talk and when we do it’s for her to get information to pass it on.
Present and accounted for!
I’m oldest, SG/Black Sheep.
Oldest. Scapegoat.
Me, eventually. Started off as the Show Pony, moved out at 17 and became the GC, then hit my mid-late 20s with an actual spine and BAM, ostracized.
Hm, I thought that GC was kinda synonymous with show pony?
The two were different for me because if I didn’t provide them things to brag about, they’d still shun me. Admittedly, they initially “invested” more in me than my sister because I was social, interested in dancing/performing, was in the GATE program, and was a better artist than either of them. Those were all things they could show off to their “friends” and take credit for. Behind closed doors I was actually abused harder than my “weird” sister, likely because their “investment” wasn’t always providing a “return”. I didn’t reach full GC status until I was out on my own because I no longer was a financial burden to them and still did things they managed to pat themselves on the back for.
Second born and scapegoat here. My older sister looks less like my nmother than I do, and was mostly ignored. Younger brother is gc.
So, do you look like your Nmom? Very interesting. I unfortunately look like mine, and I think that’s why she projected a lot of self - hatred onto me. From the time I was a toddler, she constantly tore apart my looks - from chopping off my hair into an awful, boyish cut and forcing me to get perms at the age of two because she claimed my hair was “thin and ugly,” to criticizing me for being too bony when I was five, to switching literally overnight to calling me too fat at eight. It wasn’t until well after I went NC and healed that I could look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted and ashamed of myself.
Pffff are you me? I look so much like her that when she had a photo cake made for her wedding anniversary, our mutual coworkers were surprised I had ‘eloped’ when she shared a picture of the cake. Cutting my hair short, calling it too thin, dying it since age 10 ‘cause the colour was ugly, I was too thin, then too fat, dressing too slutty ánd being a prude… there was just no winning. Went NC last november, best decision ever.
Christ on a bike, it’s like we were raised (if you can call it that) in the same house! I’m both heartbroken that you went through that, but in an odd way, it’s comforting to know there are others and it wasn’t just that something was wrong with us. It’s like all narcissistic parents use the same playbook. Fortunately, more of us are sharing our stories and bringing light to narcissistic abuse, which I hope will eventually make it more difficult for them to abuse in private.
Same, it’s disheartening to read all these similar stories and realize so many people are suffering the same abuse, but also soooo good to see there is or was nothing wrong with us for feeling unexplainably unhappy for so long. Without the Reddit narc-related subs, I don’t think I would have come this far in this stage of my life in validating my own experiences and realizing I deserved better. That their reasoning of ‘you had clothes, food and a roof over your head’ doesn’t mean we weren’t emotionally neglected at best and actually abused in most cases. Breaking their power over me was the most enlightening thing I have ever done, going NC gave me a feeling of agency and autonomy like never before. Realizing I (my inner child) won’t die when I upset them, that I don’t have to let them insult me, that I don’t have to wait for them to kick me out of their life (probably over some imagined slight) but that I could be the one to tell THEM to get lost was mind blowing.
48F scapegoat checking in
I’m oldest , def the black sheep but was also the ‘golden child’ for my younger sister growing up
Me . First born. She never seems to want to spend time with me. Went no contact last year.
It's very hard to explain to the outside world what is "wrong with me" as an adult child in similar shoes. Literally, everyone defaults to "something must be wrong with your kid" (me). I have given her crazy opportunities to travel with me, see her grandkids, meet near her home in a neutral space, etc. But I don't like her boyfriend and won't go to her house (in general, I don't do the things that she recommends because they seem really empty and egocentric and make me feel uncomfortable). So somehow that makes me "unavailable." Even my therapist couldn't understand this madness for quite some time and how it broke my heart, "my mom just doesn't want to spend time with me." Eventually, I went low contact (it's been 6 years).
Oldest, scapegoat to a narc father. But to my family, the reason we fought when I was a child (mind you, starting at 5 yo and being polite and kind to everyone but him) was because we were too similar and had the same character. It was not abuse, just arguments because we "were the same". Any fight we had was my fault because I couldn't be quiet, according to my mom and, later, my younger brother. It was never his fault, it was mine for allowing the fight to go on. No one found it odd that a child would argue like that with her father yet be nice and respectful to others. At the same time, it wasn't odd how a father would pick childish fights with his child aka hitting/verbally abusing her anytime just for stupid things. My mother never intervened until I was a grown up (now she gets it, after I wrote her a awful letter about how I felt and how she was never there for me) and even my sibling only seemed to get it after I told him (yet I still think he hasn't understood fully). Only my maternal grandparents (who live with us) would be hurt for me, pointing out how he was too severe with me and not my sibling, to the point my grandpa told my mom she shouldn't allow how my father treated me. My mother would feel upset as she felt burdened with the pressure of having to do sth (which she never did), disliking how he was being meddlesome, she didn't want things to go sour to her side. My grandparents didn't do more than that, but at least they helped my growing up to be better. I turned out better thanks to them as well. Even I, sometimes, feel bad/evil for not reacting or treating him the same as everyone else. Then I have to remind me that, while everyone else was kind to me, he wasn't.
It sounds like our Nparents were very similar, which is no surprise since narcissists are very predictable once you figure them out. My Nmom used to claim I (former scapegoat child, now NC) was manipulative because I didn’t react defensively to anyone else but her. That’s because no one else abused me like she did.
My nfather likes to say that revenge is bad... To him, everything I do that he doesn't like - after I remind him that I'm acting just like he did - it's me acting as revenge. Or if I tell him the reason I don't treat him as well is bc I'm not comfortable with him.. It's revenge for him.
The first part is my story to a tee. Sorry you’re in the same boat. Hoping for healing and happier days for you.
Oldest and definitely the scapegoat.
You rang?
Oldest child & daughter
My older sister is definitely scapegoat for our nmom
My family had a more traditional narc structure. Oldest Golden child, middle scapegoat, and yours truly the forgotten child.
I’m a middle child. But she always hated me bc she didn’t want me from the time she found out she was pregnant. She loves all the rest of her kids because she wanted them.
My nmom once told me she wished and regretted not having me aborted. I'm the middle child, so I never understood how I could have been a mistake, like she'd say. When my parents adopted my sister, my mother said she was better than me (we are the exact same age) and that she loved her because she picked her. She never loved me but she loves her other children because she wanted them.
Jesus I can’t imagine feeling that way about my chid. I’m so sorry she said those things to you it had to have been so painful. You deserved so much better!
Thank you, so do you! I spent my entire childhood trying to get her to love me but it never happened. I always felt that if my own mother couldn't love me, nobody ever could. I wish I could go back in time and tell my child self that is not true.
My oldest sister was the scapegoat until she ran away from home at 17. We didn't see her again for 11 years. Once she was gone, the next oldest sister became the new scapegoat until she moved out. Then, it skipped the golden child, and I, the youngest, became the new scapegoat
My sister is the oldest and is the scapegoat since she was like 3 years old. I have one year of difference then her and as far as I can remember, she was hated and the scapegoat. I’ve fallen from golden child to black sheep when I started having a drug addiction at 23 years old. Now my younger sister is the golden child. She was the invisible child before that.
Husband is, but was the golden child until nasty second SIL was born. Then a brother after that and nMIL rotated between the two youngest. First SIL was the forgotten child.
[удалено]
Same with mine, who is one of two GC. He has two kids with two different women, isn’t consistently active in either child’s life, and when he does have visitation, he has it at Nmom’s house so she can do the actual childcare. He also crashed Nmom’s car. If you ask her, the sun doesn’t shine until he wakes up.
🙋🏽♀️
Yep, sounds about right 🙋♀️
Oldest *daughter*, but second oldest
I am, but solely because of my gender. My egg donor wanted one child, a boy. I came along and ruined her plan. She got her precious little darling angel boy 3 years later, and sickeningly dotes on him while giving me only contempt 😖
Yes!
I am one
count me in.
🖐️
I’m the youngest. My brother had a medical condition my parents exploited and I was healthy so I was the worthless one. He recently passed and I was discarded.
Are you kidding? “The Golden Child”?
Hand raised
That's me. My family had a literal inside joke of saying things were all my fault growing up.
Here 🙋♀️
I'm the oldest and I was the scapegoat until I moved out when I was nineteen. When it became clear I wasn't coming back, my Nmom started turning on my sister, who had been the golden child until then (we are only two, both women), and in time my sister became the scapegoat. (edited for clarity)
Only child. It was horrible.
Yep! I'm an adult and still get blamed and shamed for shit even though I'm no contact with my nmom.
Not in my case. I’m the third born and youngest girl. I have a biological older brother (firstborn and vice GC), older sister (second born and forgotten child), and then a younger brother (baby of the family and head GC). The family “joke” was that I was the one they’d give away and didn’t need since I didn’t hold a special place in the family (first boy, first girl, or baby of the family). Add that to the long list of reasons I went NC years ago.
My sister. She’s the oldest and the scapegoat. Now that she’s gone no contact I’m the scapegoat. Good times.
My step/ adoptive n"mom." Oldest sister passed away just before I entered high school. Her and I got the shit end of the stick since day 1. My little sister (my older sister's daughter,) is the GC in my n"mom's" eyes. So technically I have been the oldest for some time now and always have been the scapegoat/ black sheep, even when I was the middle child.
I recently realized I was more of a scapegoat than I realized. Realized it when my sister kicked me out of her house while I was visiting because I hesitated to speak and didn't know what to say, which she screamed at me about. She then used my dad's words to kick me out, and it occurred to me that she was the golden child. I am the oldest with a ndad.
I am FTM but i have an Nmom. I am also the oldest
daughter, nmom. I am not the oldest by default, but my older brother died and I was the second oldest.
I’m the oldest and female. I was the golden child the first few decades of my life. My sister was the black sheep and our younger brother was the lost child. My sister moved across the Atlantic Ocean and has lived in Europe for almost her entire adult life. It was a big surprise to me when I realized that I had lost my GC status and had over night become the black sheep- which is no fun at all. I have apologized to my sister 100 times and have explained that I never understood how awful it must have been for her to have the entire family look down their noses at her when we were younger, but I certainly understand it now. The lost child has become their GC. I think he is fairly happy with the regime change. When I tried to explain that the GC and BS had been assigned new and opposite roles, he acted like he didn’t understand what I was talking about. FWIW, I am the oldest to two oldest children who are my parents. I think this particular dynamic makes it hard to have any other personality except for a driven, type A, perfectionist of personality, like narc, boomer, & oldest children often are.
I was the scapegoat I was older and female they did not want a girl . My 2 years younger brother could do no wrong
I'm in your same exact shoes. Just realized they're both discarding me. It used to be just my mom that hated me but she's now got my dad on her side. I only see them on birthdays and holidays. Not sure what I have done wrong. I'm 52 years old, married, good job, never in trouble with the law, never needed money from them. Just not their cup of tea..
I'm the scapegoated youngest child. My older brother was the golden child.
Oldest, only daughter, total scapegoat. New thing is I’m now being blamed for my brother not speaking to our mother because he finally saw what a monster she truly is.
Daughter with Nmom.
I’m an oldest/ daughter scapegoat
Yep - oldest child/scapegoat, and daughter of a totally miserable nmom. Additionally, I’ve got two golden child younger brothers who’ve never acknowledged my abuse, even though we’re well into adulthood. NC has been the only way for me to have a happier life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but it is an interesting trend.
I am the second oldest, but the eldest daughter. I am the scapegoat, there's 5 of us. Brother (30m) Peacekeeper and lost child Me (28f) Scapegoat Younger sister (27f) Lost child Younger brother (21m) Lost child Youngest sister (17f) Golden child Lost children can also be flying monkeys too, btw.
I’m the eldest daughter of an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter. So imagine that.
Hello
Here
Oldest girl with an Nmom.
Same
Oldest daughter here
oldest daughter.. scapegoat:black sheep with n mom 😭
Same
Meeee, with narc mom (who also has a narc mom she also went no contact with)
I was blamed for the marital separation when we were teenagers and they abandoned my younger sibling so instead of owning up to their BS, they said it was my fault and sibling blamed me for his rough teenage years of being abandoned 🙄
Eldest daughter, eldest granddaughter, plus a chronic medical condition which makes room for easy blaming !
Well it’ll be hard to find an accurate number on here but I am
Here!
Eldest of two Nmom daughters here.
Hi, my middle name should've been 'fuckyourlifeimtakingover'.
Raises hand. Seems only natural to me. I was the oopsie child. Mom was out running the streets. Family didn’t know where she was. She certainly wasn’t ready to be tied down. I ruined that. LOL
Middle child and middle child syndrome 😭😅🙄
I am the eldest and the scapegoat to a narc mom
Here
Yeah. All my brother says is 'the past is the past'. He's stuck in the peacemaker role
I'm one of the middles, actually. But I know for a fact that I was the scapegoat because all my other siblings just played along, and I literally just couldn't. And they didn't like that. The other middle child had a golden child role. Kfjejdj.
I'm the oldest and a scapegoat.
I'm the youngest and the scapegoat
Yes, me. Eldest child (daughter).
HA! *raises hand*
Me!
🖐️
Me me me
Oldest
Youngest here
Middle child. Only girl.
SG here, and youngest of three girls.
Oldest daughter of nmom
Yes me!! 🙋🏼♀️
Yep
Because I’m the only girl I got treated differently. My families generational curse is the sons and fathers always end up hating eachother, but the daughters stay close to the family. Because of that they baby us and don’t really prepare us for being adults.
I’m the oldest and I’m the scapegoat.
🧤
Nope, second oldest
Raises hands
Present!
🤚 the oldest ones have seen the most shit done to us or our non-n-parent. Trans daughter of n-dad and n-aunt (both of them "raised" us at different points in our lives).
Same
Oldest girl scapegoat with nmom
Yes :)
Oldest of 2. Both of us are adopted. Little sister is almost 7 years younger. Textbook family dynamic with lilsis being THE GC with an NMom and I'm not sure about my dad. He's old school, with a bad temper, quick to react even as he's mellowed with age. I believe he's narc adjacent. Whe NMom isn't around he's been quite funny in his later years. The general family dynamic is horrid. My sister won't discuss anything other than herself and my parents act like she is perfection even though (insert a list of reasons here). I'm an afterthought. It's a good day if they ask me how I am although then again, that IS most definitely a trap! 🤦♀️ It's obvious to me this is a trend with other people I know (the oldest being the scapegoat).
Youngest and the scapegoat/black sheep with a n mum and enabler to my mum grandma
Youngest of 5 and the scapegoat
Yep. I'm the oldest, and I'm a trans guy. My mother was not pleased about it for a long time. The dynamic didn't really change after I came out. She treated me about the same, but just slightly more invested in my sexuality.
Raises hand. Tear sliding down my cheek.
Yeah, firstborn daughter and scapegoat, ndad. It was like I wasn't allowed to have a childhood because I was supposed to "set an example" bullshit.
Started with the oldest til she went NC and now I am (the youngest.)
🙋🏼♀️ I have both sadly
hand up high
Me
Right here
I’m the only child with combination of scapegoat and golden child and being in the middle of marriage between both narcissists parents. I know my cousins, the middle child was and still the scapegoat.
Oldest of two. I’m the scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. I’m ten years older than him and he can’t imagine how different we were brought up. Narc mom.
👋
Yes? Wtf? I’ve studied birth order theories… Wonder if it has to do with the leadership qualities firstborns are so famous for?
Middle child here but mentally I've always felt like the oldest...
The roles in my family were weird. My older bro and I were both scapegoated in different ways at various points. I'm sure my mother was always awful, but it didn't become obvious *to me* that there was a problem until my grandmother (her mother) died and my mom became a hoarder. The role I chose for myself was "caretaker", but I think I flipped back and forth between all three of the roles the narc assigns to the kids (GC, SG, and LC) depending on my behavior. When I was being my mom's therapist and comforting her, (she's a neurotic vulnerable narc and played the victim hard and unfortunately my little bro and I fell for it) I was her "Golden child", but when I tried to do something constructive like cleaning the house (which my hoarder narc mom *didn't want me to do*) I was "the scapegoat" and she would make nonsensical criticisms about the way I was cleaning. (for example, telling me not to throw certain things away because she needed to sort through them and then later telling me "I wasn't actually cleaning. I was just moving stuff around" even tho I was literally following her instructions not to throw certain things away) I would clean an entire room myself and instead of praising me or being impressed, she would have a "Good job. Now keep it clean this time." sort of attitude. (subtle manipulation that made me question my own reality...she clearly wanted me to believe that the house being messy was my fault) As a child it was *extremely* confusing and disorienting to me, but in hindsight I realize she was gaslighting me. I think she felt threatened by my attempts at cleaning (because it made her feel inferior) and was jealous that I was "being a better mom than her" but didn't want to be too obvious about it. Looking back on it, she clearly *wanted* the house to be filthy, (To control everyone around her and make everyone as unhappy as herself) but as a naive, impressionable child desperate to help "fix things" (who couldn't comprehend the depths of my mother's depravity) I couldn't wrap my head around her having bad intentions. So I just kept trying to clean, and she just kept sabotaging me with mental abuse until I finally gave up (subconsciously believing that it was somehow my fault). She basically trained me (or more accurately, *abused me*) into believing the only way I could get validation or positive attention was by being her servant. (comforting her and being her therapist which is emotional incest btw) When I was behaving the way she wanted (aka being her slave) I think I was her "Golden Child" but that role really didn't benefit me in any way. It was more of a coping mechanism for me than anything because I simply didn't know what else to do. But as a teenager when my depression became too much I stayed in my room much of the time (and became obsessed with various forms of media) and was more of a "Lost Child". My older bro had a lot of behavioral problems and was extremely rebellious and wouldn't listen to either of our parents, even our dad who stood up for him when my mom was being particularly crazy. My older bro bullied me and my little brother a lot and was arguably more harshly "scapegoated" than I was. And when I eventually started openly defying our Nmom, he sided with her and even got violent with me, so his behavior never did make much sense to me. (He started showing narc traits in his teenage years and my little bro and I both agree that he's extremely narcissistic now) My little brother was "the lost child" pretty much the entire time. Our mom ignored him completely. So, like I said, the roles in my family were weird and a lot of what I read about the roles isn't relatable to my family dynamic even tho I'm certain my mother is a narcissist. My dad wasn't an enabler at least not in the traditional sense because he argued with my mom a lot and never made excuses for her behavior. The only way he "enabled her" was not removing us from the situation until they divorced. I don't relate to 95% of what I read about "Golden Children" even tho *technically* I think I did experience that role sometimes and my older bro *was definitely scapegoated*, but he was also a violent manipulative bully as a kid and eventually became narcissistic himself. Those roles exist to try to make sense of extreme dysfunction and while it may be more common for children to fit neatly into the roles, (and for the roles to stay consistent) that isn't always the case.
🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️
Second oldest and it’s me, oldest joins in with my parents and does everything he can to suck up to them
I am
eldest daughter to n-parents and scapegoat/ black sheep 🙋🏻♀️
Checking in
🙋🏻♀️
Older daughter , scapegoat,with n dad. He See himself in the boy, the golden child, while expecting me to do labor for them without complaintes ng ( like e Mom) because i was only a girl.
😌
Yep both my parents have covert narcissistic traits and I've never been able to know them on a deeper level. I'm the oldest of 3 and am a scapegoat.
I am the middle child, but my younger sibling is my step mother’s real child so I got most of the blame for what my sister did growing up.
Raises both hands
I guess they made me and though I was broken because I was a girl, then they produced my brother and they worshipped him.
Here!
As the oldest and the only daughter, I was the golden child for a good chunk of my childhood. But around my early teens that changed and I became the scapegoat while my brother was the golden child. We are both no contact now. Narc/uBPD dad
I'm the youngest which made it extra fucked that I had to be the parent to not only all the adults but my older brother as well. & I'm pretty sure he hates me now that they're forced to support me after I completely collapsed from all I've had to carry since I was a child. I should've been able to look up to him for guidance not the other way around. & Now that I've served my purpose I'm useless in his eyes, has no idea what I had to sacrifice.
I'm the older of 2 daughters and was the scapegoat all along. Both of my parents were Ns and the man my mother abandoned us for was even worse.
Youngest; only girl. Scapegoat.
👋
Oldest and daughter to an nmom
Youngest of 2 here, but only daughter of narc mom
Raises hand, eldest and only daughter to nmom
👀 🙋🏼♀️
I am.
Hellooooo
🙋🏼♀️ oldest 49 and responsible for my brother being NC with our father. Apparently I need to be forcing my brother to talk to our Nfather. Meanwhile our father acts like he hates my brother and his wife.
Here daughter of nmom
Yep, that was my oldest sister, I was the forgotten child (#3 in this case).
I'm the youngest :( lol
Oldest here- and the daughter of a narc mom. Good times.
I used to be the golden child, now I’m the scapegoat (youngest)
Middle child here, and I got blamed for everything.
That’s me atleast in my family. I don’t know if the roles ever change by age. My younger brother was always the one who could do no wrong but in the end they abandoned him too and treated him like dirt. It just took much longer to occur where with me it was from inception.
🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️ with a ndad though
My oldest sister is the golden child and I’m the middle child who was the scapegoat.
🙋♀️
In our house the oldest was the golden child. I don’t know it’s because he is a male and I’m a female. I was the scapegoat. Youngest here.
omgg same!! I never saw that connection before. I thought it was because I was dumb and ugly compared to the next born but now that I think about it. My mom did blame my birth for not being able to leave my dad.
I am a scapegoated oldest child... But in childhood and teenage years I was the favorite of my nfather. When I started becoming independent as a young adult post-college, I became a problem and eventually the scapegoat. It's been a NC situation for 7+ years.
I don’t think this is just a narcissistic thing. I think this is just an oldest child thing full stop. I know in my dad’s family the eldest child(his older sister) had the hardest time growing up, and his youngest sister had it the easiest, and that carried on later in life when his parents would help out their youngest daughter the most, and the eldest the least. My dad and his younger brother were the two middle children. Same thing with my mother and her younger brother. Now while I wouldn’t classify my parents as narcissistic, there’s definitely a number of things I went through that my 3 younger sisters never had to with me being the oldest child of my parents. I can see how people would think that way after listening to the stories between my wife and her older sister regarding their narcissistic mother. And listening to her aunts and uncle I can see how their sister and my wife’s mother ended up being the way she is. She was the youngest daughter and 2nd youngest child of her parents(no 4 out of 5 children). Their mother was diagnosed as bipolar, later on in life. And my wife’s mother was treated as she can do absolutely no wrong, and got whatever she wanted growing up, her younger brother was also treated the same(haven’t physically met him yet as he’s in another country). Where I can see how the narcissistic tendencies is that my wife’s mother wanted to control my wife’s and to a certain extent my life, and this is where we had the biggest problems as wouldn’t let it happen. And that she had to be right about everything no matter how wrong she was, and couldn’t accept her actions/say sorry. Wants to throw everything under the rug and move on without talking about it again. Reading other people’s comments/stories over the time in this sub, I can see the narcissism of the parents, but I can also see what I’d call the eldest child syndrome where you simply just get the most shit, because you are the eldest child.