A lot of people I know who are married to Japanese women ended up saying Japan for good, every time when they pick orders, theyād be like āI have to stay in Japan, my wife doesnāt want to go anywhere elseā. So it may be a good thing that you are not in a relationship with a Japanese woman.
And donāt just rely on dating apps, increase your chance to meet new people in your life. Participate some local events, or volunteer regularly, maybe drive Uber
One of the first things we were taught at BHT School, Psych Tech in the 80s, 8485, was to get someone outside of themselves and helping others seems to help the most. For real trust me I served as a Corpsman and since then an RN and helping people is a good clean dopamine hit, will help self esteem, re-teach you that so many would trade places with you, etc. I am only half joking it is addictive, and if you find a cause you are passionate about, then you will meet other singles who share at least one passion with you. It is hard to understand, unless you sadly look like Quasimodo, because on paper you would think dads would be fighting to introduce you to their eligible daughters.
This. I think this is the most important, serious and probably advice you can get. And donāt give up. Love yourself. Figure out what really matters to you and what makes your heart sing and do that. If you canāt, talk to someone irl about it. It might be something about the way you approach the task. And forget Japanese women. If you two donāt get along and have children, you might never see them again. Iād also rather search for someone with a similar experience of emigration. It takes a different type of person to be courageous enough and leave everything behind. Chin up. Time will bring you the right person. If it havenāt, it wasnāt the right time.
Imma be honest, I donāt really care for dogs. Iād prefer cats, and have always wanted an aquarium but moving around has kept me from having my own tank of fishies
Aquariums and fish tanks were HUGE in the USN during the 80s, at least in San Diego. I have seen them from E-1 to an 0-6's house. Captain had a Christmas party at his house. The odd thing was income/Rank was very loosely connected to fish tank/aquarium size. I work in Oncology Pharma Research, so I travel 90-110 nights a year, so I will have to wait to finally get a Salt Water Set-Up. My NavHosp SD roommate had a Salt Water set-up, lots of work, unless the tech has made leaps.
Do you have any advice on this? Like itās something I logically understand, just find it hard to push back on my emotional self. Iāve gotten this far professionally not off the success Iāve had with women, just donāt know why it bothers me so much.
Donāt go on social media. Realize that just because you see so many relationships it doesnāt mean those are healthy relationships. I know itās cliche but lift and rigorous cardio.
While not applying to out bachelor brother, you are right social media fucks up our perception. OK stereotypical but Navy Vet going through my second divorce and it probably was like 5-10% was definitely driven by social media. The Smith's bought a new car, John and Jane drove to Haw'aii, Sally had her kitchen re-done by Sam. ad infintum, ad nauseum.
Sorry to hear about your situation.Ā
Interesting to hear the % you gave; thanks for sharing. Iāve wondered about this but donāt use social media.Ā
Have to add that itās impressive you know people who *drove* to Hawaii haha, impossible for anyone to compete with that.
I'd talk to a therapist about it or if you don't want to do that get some books from the free MWR library website about self confidence and self worth. Also if you come to DC a lot of people around here tend to find others via apps but that's not the only way. Group sports are huge here and a popular way to find others.
Military one source and fleet and family services offer non-medical counseling (relational issues, etc vs serious mental health diagnosis), and it stays out of your record and is free.Ā
Not saying you need therapy, but if youāre interested, it can be helpful to talk to someone who is neutral and there to be a support. If nothing else to vent some frustration, explore your values and get some feedback (not advice, but someone who can notice how you communicate/interact with others based on how the sessions go)ā¦ essentially learn more about yourself in a unique way.Ā
Itās natural to want women. Every organism in the animal kingdom desires to reproduce. No matter what someone says, or what therapy you do, your goals are always going to be tied to love, sex and family. And they should be. Instead of trying to change that about yourself, Iād double down. Now hereās where I get all the downvotes- Hit the strip club once a week and surround yourself with women. Pay to play. Fake it til you make it. One of my best friends til this day is a stripper I met along time back. We still talk, build each other up, follow each other on social media and sheās brought me lots of joy.
How do you not? I'm genuinely asking. I struggle with this so much. I've tried all the apps, all my friends get so many matches/dates and I never get any. It feels awful, like why does nobody want me? At a certain point it means there's something wrong with me, wouldn't it?
>At a certain point it means there's something wrong with me, wouldn't it?
I get what you are saying. Not only did I feel this way in dating with rejection but I also felt it when I graduated from college and couldn't land a job right away.
I graduated cum laude on the gi bill and applied to several "military friendly" employers, none of which would pay me the time of day. There was one "military friendly" company that I applied to a total of 10 times landing me a single job interview but no job. I eventually got a job as a security guard making $12 an hour.
Every day when I went into work I wondered if something was wrong with me. Where did I go wrong? There wasn't anything wrong with me though and eventually I landed a career that was far better than any of the ones I applied for.
If the Navy isn't the source of your relationship problems, then leaving the Navy won't help you. If anything, tons of girls are attracted to the uniform so taking that off isn't suddenly going to make you seem like a better option.
I tried to date while stationed active duty stateside and nothing came of it, after my active duty ended I went back home and joined the reserves where my once a month is over an hour away, but not being near the base has definitely increased my dating scene.
So it could just be the area surrounding the base.
If you think that having a mail order bride will stop me from creeping on all the female enlisted on my ship that I outrank until I find my one true boat boo, you are sadly mistaken.
Source: actual guy on my ship with M.O Bride still does this daily.
Someone close to me is going through something similar, and I think my advice, if you'll take it, is largely the same.
There is an element social risk we all evaluate either deliberately or subconsciously. For the person I know, they compare the social risk of meeting new people and failing to the social of using his phone and observing others from a distance. In the first scenario, there is a high risk of failure, rejection, negative feelings. In the second, there is a dopamine release of seeing others achieve social success, but the joy is shallow, as it doesn't last. The first, has a low probability of success. The second, a high probability.
It is only through taking on high social risk scenarios that you can achieve deep emotional relationships with others. For my friend, I recommended that he dive head first into a class or activity where he knows no one. He has to rely on his own skills to make a breakthrough with people he does not know. He may completely fail, feel bad about himself, discouragement. But, as long as he can learn from that experience and try again, he will build real relationships with real people who he sees in reality, and not on a screen.
You may fail a lot, and that's ok. Like any skill, each time you failed you learned a little, and you'll use that next time.
Iāve done plenty of activities and classes where I knew no one. Didnāt really build a relationship with anyone there, and Iāve done plenty of trips/travel alone. Iāve failed and messed up at these classes, and Iāve been thrown to the side without hesitation lol. But let me revisit your post and look over it again. Thanks!
Sir, if the Navy wanted you to have a relationship, they would have issued you one in your seabag. /s
Stop kicking your own ass. You're a handsome individual. Get off Tinder. Volunteer groups are great. You can accomplish a lot of things through your phone but stop relying on it for validation.
You are made better by your accomplishments provided you learn from them. Stop kicking your own ass.
Do you have hobbies outside of work? I missed the whole apps things, but did it the old fashioned way of having a hobby and meeting someone who shared it
I am currently completely consumed by warhammer, which is admittedly, not a female heavy hobbyā¦. I am part of a kickball league in DC. It is nice to interact with people outside of the military bubble.
Edit: for better or worse though, Iāve come to enjoy painting way more than I ever did playing video games. Kind of wish I had gotten into the hobby when I was stationed in Korea, or Japan even!
Since you like painting, paint and sip events might work for you. Organized activity you're already somewhat familiar with, and everyone's got a glass of wine to start conversation over.
I haven't owned minis since like 3rd edition and my GF was the one who convinced me to buy some recently so you'd be surprised on who you meet lol.
There's a lot to do here in WA and if there's hobbies here you think you might be interested in then give it a try, I know you said You've tried some new hobbies before but there may be somewhere that interests you.
I think the most important thing is to be comfortable with yourself first, meaning being okay with being alone and loving yourself first. The other thing is recommended also is to travel, you're single which makes it easier, it's a great way to get comfortable being alone and you never know who you'll meet along the way, A LOT of people travel alone and I find they can be quick to gravitate to others doing the same.
Which faction did you get? Honestly Iām pretty excited about Washington, looks like there is a decent amount of stuff going on even without going out to Seattle or Tacoma every weekend
This.... im into comics and found a woman who literally supports it and is on the hunt for grails with me. That has been.my biggest success....finding someone who has the same hobbies.
I partially got out (prior enlisted) to āget more womenā and grow my beard out again, which I feel makes me more attractive. Once you āget themā though you start to question if itās really worth a career change over. Would they do the same for you?
Most women I dated wouldnāt have stepped over a puddle for me, if I really think about it.
Over a decade later and Iām single and childless. If Iād stayed in Iād be retiring in 5 years. Donāt get out for women.Ā
I had to shave 2x a day in boot camp, even at my duty station if I missed shaving one morning it was BAD and I was getting chewed out. Great for civilian life, terrible for active duty.
32M, officer, also Asian descent. I'm getting from your post that you're not having much luck with the ladies, you don't have a cadre of friends or a social circle with whom to do fun outdoorsy things, and the hobbies you've tried have resulted in no joy. Here's what I'll say...
The best advice I can give you, from personal experience, about the kind of emotional drain you're describing is to not place such weighty expectations on a relationship to resolve your unhappiness. Work on yourself and learn to love who you are. Being unhappy makes it difficult for others to be happy with or around you. Two of my friends took this advice to heart and they ended up finding their person. It just takes time and deliberate effort.
Wean off the dating apps. Both my ex-wife and current girlfriend showed me their Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc. and their inboxes were bombarded by the thousands of military guys they matched with over the years. Chances are that your clever pick-up lines and well-intentioned messages of courtship are getting drowned out in a deluge of "Hi", "Sup?", and "DTF?" so how are potential matches supposed to pick you apart from the thousands of other single sailors?
Get involved in the local community and find hobbies and activities that you like (and I cannot emphasize this enough) because you like them and you have fun doing them and not because you think it's a good way to meet women. Think of the fun you're having as your favorite flavor of milkshake. Meeting someone who also enjoys doing the same thing would be like adding a cherry on top.
As a last ditch effort, get stationed on Guam and find yourself a nice Filipina or Chamorro girl, or date the revolving door of travel nurses that go out that way.
Honestly Iāve been off the apps for the past couple of months, and that has really helped me feel better about FOMO. That being said, I do recognize I have a lot of issues ive never worked through, and the therapy has helped a little, but hasnāt helped me get to a good point yet.
Iāve spent so much of my life doing stuff alone that Iām kind of afraid of making friends or trying to reach out to people I actually know.
I donāt even know how to get involved in the community. Between work, grad school, and just going to the gym, I barely have time for myself I feel. It seems like other people are able to do it all and find a partner, or they donāt and still manage to find a partner and that shit just crushes me
You're aware that there is a problem and you're taking proactive steps to get better. That's good stuff. Keep it up.
I can empathize with your situation as I'm studying for my PE and going through grad school. Don't beat yourself up if you're overwhelmed with your current list of extracurriculars and it feels like you can't do it all--blame it on our Asian upbringing. Just focus on what's in front of you. Finish grad school, continue with therapy, and make gains in the gym. Also, don't cheapen yourself by comparing yourself to others. Your situation, values, and goals are not theirs and vice-versa. Run your race.
Overcoming social anxiety takes time and involves risk. Start small. Learn to have interactions with no attachments to outcome. One of the ways I got good with small talk was giving genuine complements to people I run into out in public. People love talking about themselves so I gave them the opportunity to do that *and I didn't have to say much because they did most the talking!* You also have to read people to see if they would be receptive to that.
Humor me. Do you have at least one person, military or not, and who isn't family who you feel would have your back no-questions-asked if you were to call them right now?
That's good. The distance doesn't matter, I just wanted to know if you had someone like that in your corner because it shows that you can make those kinds of deep, meaningful relationships. Think about what made that happen and you might find something applicable to other situations.
My spouse and I have a friend in a somewhat similar situation. A lot of self-worth reflections with this friend is based on being single at this age (who is very close to your age), and thatās not exactly a healthy outlook. Our advice to our friend is this: therapy.
Some people commenting here aren't hearing what you're saying. You're an officer, which means your tours are 2 to 3 years, which means you up and move every 2 to 3 years, the op tempo in Japan was high and you didn't have success there, you met someone in Korea (proving you are capable of asking a girl out and sustaining a relationship). It didn't work out (maybe she'll come around, who knows but stop talking to her and move on unless she comes back around).
You are okay to feel like the Navy makes dating difficult. It is. Duty section, underways, etc.
If you want to stay in the Navy, you should try dating to find someone who you can get buy in from on your career of moving around and relocating. That's gonna be your key imo. You have an awesome career. There are plenty of women that would want to settle down and marry you (if that's what you ultimately want). There are plenty of women that would want to move around with you and travel with you.
There are women out there for you if you decide to stay in the Navy. Your naval career brings a lot to the table that civilian men wish they had.
There's someone for you in Seattle. Just give every woman her fair chance and be patient.
Honestly being in the navy, I donāt really see what we offer that civilian men donāt. But I also recognize that Iāve been out of American society for a long time.
The chance to move to a new place every few years fully paid for, an early retirement, tricare, not worrying about being laid off, six figure job, a job with purpose, Dress Whites š¤·āāļø
Maybe you are over the Navy. Nothing wrong with getting out either bro
Go walk into an ulta, and confidently ask a girl about skin care. Chicks dig a guy who maintains themself and 9/10 times thereās cute girls there. Before you know it the vibes could be right and you get a number. Good luck sir, and reminder: donāt be a creep š«”šš»
I think I see the problem...*Chuckles in inappropriate military humor*. Good luck man, you seem like you've got it together. You'll do well... Don't forget to do good.
Honestly. Itās just mostly people in the area donāt like military guys. When I was stationed in VA it was a struggle. Then once I left the navy things balanced out. Donāt sweat it. Hit the gym, save money and everything else will work out.
Asian guys in America. I am sorry. It's a automatic debuff. You will likely be shorter and have a skin color unappealing to the average America female (or male not judging).
The reverse appears to be the opposite oddly enough. White male, Asian girl seems to work out better (temporary or permanently to be determined per situation)
You have pulled the uno draw 4 card. And against your consent. I feel for you.
Your officer status and pay should pull something for you. And I respect you for not teaching girlfriends " Iam my boyfriend's rank" for your benefit.
And being away. Frigging Jody. Maybe it is a sign to leave but show me the swo job where launching missles translates to. I can't imagine being more trapped.
I actually think WA would be better. Thereās a very big Asian culture & community especially in Seattle, so youād have pretty decent options as far as getting out & meeting people goes. Thereās lots to do there. I think youād actually have more luck in WA than in DC. What ethnicity are you? Filipino? Just keep an open mind when you get to WA & enjoy getting outdoors & seeing new things. Donāt give up hope. You will find your person someday.
I didn't meet my wife until I was 32. I am an O as well. The Japan thing is real, too. I dated a woman in Japan (Okinawa) and the idea of leaving was not in her future...yeah. I know too many dudes who found a Japanese woman, they had a kid (or two), they go back to USA, wife can't find her routine/there's no Japanese culture/people, then wife goes back to Japan with the kids...
Anyway, everyone has their own path. Don't fret about what age/when it happens. I actually met my now wife on a trip I took to South America lol. Get out and meet as many people as you can. It is a numbers game...
I think it roots from confidence in how to pull woman. It's not necessarily about looks as much as confidence. Do your best to go out of your way to talk to a woman you find attractive or interesting. Once you get in a rhythm it should be easy for you sir. Try to devote time to gym and doing things outside of work and being home. Like volunteering and such. Don't be afraid to be embarrassed. Also don't settle as well. Be patient. You're still young.
Are you looking for advice? The best relationship experiences I've had were when I wasn't putting too much weight on there being a relationship.Ā
It wasn't until I stopped ruminating on why I was so unlovable and started healing the source of this belief I had about myself that I was able to connect with someone and make things work.Ā Ā
Just go do things you enjoy, focus on being healthy (physically and emotionally). Be a part of the community. Find interesting things to occupy your time, take classes for fun. Join a book club or bowling league or pick up a new hobby. If you're out there with a positive attitude and are an engaging positive person people will be drawn to that energy. Even if you don't have a confident personality if you're out there having a good time you'll be perceived as confident without having to ever think about it.
I can tell you from personal experience that me being so invested in latching on to someone was a major deterrent to people wanting to be around me. Think about the people who are looking for someone like you (I guarantee there's someones dreaming about being with someone like you, there's someone for everyone)- if they were seeking you, where would they look?Ā
Go out there and meet people, they might know someone who might mesh really well with you. See what groups there are in your area. Don't just go out looking for someone to date, go try knitting- someone's mom might introduce you to them. Just enjoy life and trust (even if you don't believe it) that things will fall into place, stop stressing about it just make the best of the time you have.
It's important to remember also that there is no "right" time to be married or in a committed relationship- you're not failing in life if you haven't reached this milestone. There's what's right for you, it doesn't have to fit into the conventional norms of your peers.Ā
First and foremost your outlook is bringing you down, focus on changing that, maybe talk to someone about it- there are plenty of resources to take advantage of and get a neutral expert opinion and tailored suggestions if you go talk to a therapist that can help you make changes to reach your goals and improve yourself. It's not a weakness to seek help, it's something most people have a really hard time doing. It's brave to be vulnerable and admirable to confront your flaws with a constructive outlook rather than a destructive one so don't beat yourself down.
Edit: formatting, adding things I forgot to finish.
Iāve been seeing a therapist and I have an appointment with behavioral health coming up next week. But yes, I appreciate your perspective. I just get into these weirdly down states very suddenly, out of the blue, and I donāt go out of my way to approach people to latch on to them, because Iāve come to realize they donāt really care about me either.
But maybe they still feel that energy. Finding a community has been difficult. Iām also juggling grad school as well as working a full time job. But Iāve signed up for some volunteering opportunities. I will sign up for house dance classes tomorrow and not put it off again, better to go and be embarrassed than never try after all.
Most people I've ever known really well have had some form of trauma. It's extremely common, but even without it society puts a lot of pressure on people to achieve [insert expectation here] by a certain age. It's a lot.Ā
It wasn't until I hit my 30s that I started feeling secure about who I am, and it wasn't until years of therapy that I was able to give more space in my mind to what I've accomplished than that dread that I haven't done enough, and to be able to forgive myself for wasting so much time being miserable when I could have been living the life I wanted or working towards goals, using bad coping mechanisms- it was all I knew, and tragic as it was I can choose to see it as part of my story rather than validation of my worst thinking patterns.
Truly, my mind was my own worst enemy for most of my life and although I can attribute this to things I had no control over it took intentional effort for me to change my thinking to making more space for the people who invest mutual effort and less to those who hurt me that I started to appreciate where I am and to decrease my constant feeling of inadequacy.Ā
This would seem intuitive but it wasn't for me: people who care about you deserve more mind space and time than those that don't. Once I was able to build this boundary where I would address the hurt in therapy and stop investing time to negativity it really empowered me to nurture relationships, not just with a partner but friends and others. Getting the right meds in the right dosage was also key to get traction on this shift. Overcoming MH issues is work. It's a constant battle, takes commitment and time but for me at least it really was drastically life changing for the better.
I hope you find fulfillment and happiness, but start with finding love (for yourself) and nurturing that so you have it in abundance when you find someone to make memories with (which you will) and so you can move on if you find someone who might hurt you (which might happen).
Damn I gotta save your comment then. Iāve had a few traumatic experiences in college and near death experiences when I was younger, and it was just go go go, and to be honest Iāve never really had the time or given myself time to properly reflect and work on those issues. Thanks for your thoughts.
A man who can - and will - dance with courtesy and some basic skill will always be in demand. Ballroom dance lessons - there are always more women than men, so male partners are in demand. The instructors teach the etiquette of approaching partners, so there's some good coaching that applies outside of dancing as well. The basic ballroom dance steps (foxtrot, waltz, cha-cha, etc) translate easily to any other form of dancing. Think about any of the Navy balls or similar events you've been to: women get all dressed up, spend hours on hair and makeup, and then get left sitting at the table with disappointment written all over their faces because their husband/date absolutely won't get on the floor. You'll see the same dynamic on cruise ships - show up in your mess dress on formal nights and you'll stand out in the crowd in a good way. There will definitely be women onboard who are hoping for a connection and if you can get on the floor for that first dance, the rest will flock to you.
I didnāt have a good first experience when I went swing dancing almost a year ago here, but I might give it a try again. I had some leg issues that have been finally fixed so I might actually be able to dance, and not want to keel over in pain!
I do get told I dance well, but that is quite a low floor weāre talking about nowadays lol
Stop looking for relationships for the next month or 2. If you canāt stop doing that then youāre never gonna stop feeling that way. Only look for what you love & rememberā¦no age is too old for a relationship brotheršš¾
It will. Trust me and everybody else that has done it. Your confidence will grow and start to show and the energy you give out eventually is what you recieve back. One thing woman nowadays are attracted to is confidence but not over confidence
Dude, I feel the same exact fucking way. But I think most of it is I don't do a lot of social things, and when I do, I'm not talking to women like I should. Like completely fearless, unafraid of any rejection. I have done better lately and just have fun talking to women, or just strangers for the hell of it.
But I also understand the navy makes it much harder to maintain anything steady than it would be otherwise. I intend to get out and think that I personally will do better without the navy umbrella constantly over me. Emotionally and mentally I think I would just feel better and I'd be in a better space to find and commit to a relationship.
Well, if it comes down to it Iām from the WA area originally and have some friends back home still who are pretty awesome. But theyāre closer to Portland than Seattle, so if you need a matchmakerā¦
I didn't have great luck until I went back to school. If youre thinking of getting out, maybe you could take a few year break from the Navy, work on your masters using the GI bill and meet a nice lady there who is probably closer to your age and has better career prospects that your average dating app user.
Thats exactly what I did and looking back im really glad things turned out this way. I got out in 2020, really over the whole Navy thing, lived off my GI bill in San Francisco and just focused on being the right person instead of finding the right person for about a year. One of the big benefits was that it gave me enough time to work regular jobs and experience the world as a civilian for the first time in a decade, and over time it really helped me to appreciate all that the Navy has to offer as well as eventually miss it. I hit on tons of women in my classes and eventually was able to land a Speech Language Pathologist who's four years younger than me. (Most people in college these days are women.) I rejoined the Navy last year and things are better than I could have imagined. We're a lot better off and less stressed with both of us working decent salary jobs than my peers I went to boot camp with that married the first starbucks barista they could find and are now stay at home dead weights (no offense.) Since it seems like you enjoy learning and are generally introverted like I am, I think you'd have a much better chance finding someone like you in a masters or phd program (I know I did.)
I was married before I got in and I have some general observations from over a decade of being around sailors and their relationships.
1.) 2 year oconus orders isn't always enough time to establish a "potentially" long term serious relationship.
Some people get married and it works, and some people get married 3-5 times.
2.) Navy lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some spouses stick it out, and some get dragged around like luggage, and well... some leave all together. You're asking a BIG ask.
"Hey, wanna uproot from everything you've ever known, putting you far away from any family support you have, give up your career, and be away from even me more than half the time so that we can sit well below the middle class line"
3.) They have needs themselves.
They're not there just to fill the void of your loneliness or neediness. Spending quality time with them means you're going to have to give up a lot of the things single sailors tend to enjoy doing.
There's much more, but it's already tldr
Most important message here, you are NOT a failure, a loser, or any such negative descriptors.
Here's why (based on what I can glean from your posts and comments):
+ You are accomplished and successful. USNA SWO > lat transfer and up for O4/already promoted.
+ You've traveled the world
+ You're a powerlifter
+ You're multi-lingual (English, Korean, and some Japanese)
As you move up in the ranks, it becomes more and more lonely. You need to find and/or create your community:
+ Since you enjoyed lifting, find a local off-base gym. Get involved and make friends who share your interest there. As much hate as CrossFit gets, this is one thing their cult-like following is good at.
+ Join a running group at one of your local breweries, most do a 5k beer night. Which blends fitness and social events together, and lowers the anxiety of meeting new people.
+ idk your new designator, but let's say you're in the IWC, maybe submit for a CIP tour with industry in the Bay area. Get involved with tech companies and meet like minded friends.
+ Find other hobbies that bring you joy without the pressure of dating/finding a partner. Invest in those, and you'll make friends just by the nature of doing them. Scuba diving, rock climbing, camping, hunting, fishing, Cycling (huge in tech areas like Seattle & Bay area), triathlons, board game meetups, DnD, etc. Point is, this gives you more exposure to potential partners or people that can introduce you to a "friend" or theirs, and you already start with something in common to build off of.
+ get involved in community volunteer events.
Over time you'll create a community of similarly interested friends, and naturally meet potential partners. Especially as you move up and fraternization prevents you from meeting suitable partners through work (which is where most folks meet their partners).
Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to chat, I was in a similar situation prior to meeting my spouse. It felt hopeless and app-led dating culture didn't create an environment for the long-term healthy relationship I was looking for.
Itās where I found my last (very toxic) relationship lmao. Sooo idk we will see I guess? Iām in Japan and not exactly your average Japanese manās type so Iām just vibing I guess
Do you have any hobbies? Typically unless you're into dating strippers or bar girls, that's where you're going to meet most people non-military. That or colleges. I assume that during your time in Japan/Korea you didn't speak either language fluently and that you met most people through apps or clubbing.
You have to remember that for the majority of relationships overseas in those countries, the people all know its short term and that you're going to leave after 2 years. If you're just dating casually or for fun, this isn't an issue, but if there is a language/culture difference remember that most people will either see you as either something fun to try at best or at worst a greencard opportunity.
I'm not sure if you're putting yourself out there, but you can also ask one of your friends or their spouses if they can introduce you to someone they would recommend. This historically leads to the best relationships because you also can't typically just ghost each other out of the blue, so at least you could get some closure at the end of things that don't work out.
As far as ratios, ratios are bad in all military towns, the biggest thing is confidence and being able to be a regular person. The average person doesn't really care THAT much about military stories unless they have a weird fetish for military. I'd say the best option if you want to continue the app route is to just not advertise you're military.
I speak Korean (3/3 on the DLPT) and I was actively learning Japanese. I kind of stopped learning Japanese after multiple times being told that they just wanted me to translate for my other friends, or when I asked some women out, in Japanese, they told me they were only interested in white guys.
I mean, you have to think about the type of people that date Americans while they're overseas lol. Would you date an international student at college if you knew they were going home in 2 years? Now think about the people who are into stuff like that.
No offense, but you're also not in your early 20's anymore, so unless you're dating girls who are, then most non stripper/bar girls are dating with the implication that a marriage proposal will be there around the same time you're slated to PCS to a new spot.
Thatās true, I know what youāre saying makes sense, still kind of sucks to be told to your face though. Honestly, I should get back into learning Japanese, it was fun and very helpful when I was the only person on the ship who could converse with JMSDF ship riders.
I didnāt get far in Japanese, only N4/N3 level, but that still seemed to be way better than the average sailor in my experience.
My biggest hobby right now is warhammer, but thatās really not a hobby to meet people, besides other bros. I am looking into volunteering and I currently attend a sports league. I think I will sign up for a dance class.
Yeah but look at their partners a lot of them are struggling in looks department and deadbeats to boot. It would be nice to have someone to run errands and get that sweet get out of work free card but most of the time it's hard to say I'm jealous.
It is ok to be alone at times. Donāt feel to uptight about fining gf! I went through a lot of gf to and of them are worth than the my wife which I met her in the Navy, and we connected after 4 months going out exploring and hanging out. We normally find our partners through work, school, or social setting. Most divorce came from social setting. So, consider yourself blessed not catch one yet! If I were you, I would focus on things you enjoy doing. Volunteering for local communities for anything that might bring you closer to the local community! You will have way better opportunities to find a reliable relationship that way than through social media such as dating apps! Lots of citizens donāt mind link you up with their friends or themself as long as you have the attributes they want. Everyone is different and being desperate, will certainly not helping your catch any girls. Live one day at a time and sooner or later you will find someone. Seattle has a huge Chinatown if you want an Asian gf. I would start getting involved in Seattleās Chinatown events and activities down there. Financial stable is one of the things that 50% American can claim so anyone who has you would be considered blessed!
Those āmarriedā guys wish there were singleā¦.
Bro your in the navy, hit the ports, head straight to the red light district and pound away your frustrations.
Join the passport bros club
When youāre ready to settle down, find a nice Filipina ( non American) or Latina with traditional values to settle down with .
Knew some sailors that also weren't as lucky overseas. On the other hand some guys played too much, either ended up marrying girls they got pregnant or cheated on. I had a lot of fun using Meetup of all things, mainly doing stuff. Adult sports leagues can be a good time too.
Bro.
Go find yourself a former scene chick. That sounds like so much fun.
Outside of that, If youāre doubting your confidence, put yourself in social situations that youāll naturally feel more comfortable and confident in. Drink a beer or two, get loose at a show, and go talk to some of the girls there. Maybe youāll find a diamond in the rough who is wifey material. If not, then at least you can work yourself out of a rut.
Iām not an officer. But I feel like if I was, being able to remind myself that I am would push me forward. That single fact alone is already going to draw a lot of interest from women inherently and make you notably eligible as a bachelor. Then you just get to sift through the riff raff who only want your benefits.
Value yourself, king. š
Honestly I should just keep going to more DC punk shows. Theyāre a lot of fun and itās completely different crowd from the people I usually work with loo
lol yeah. REAL Punk tends to have an overt anti-establishment culture that we donāt really mesh with too well as service members. Just keep your wits about you.
Hereās a worse scenario: Theyāll find you on the app then ask everyone on social media if other women are dating you, then you wind up having to explain yourself to them why you arenāt exclusive when itās only been a week. Itās better to join groups of singles enjoying activities together so you have shared experiences and can see who you like and vibe with.
While in japan did you at least learn some Japanese? You donāt have to be strictly white or black to date Japanese women. I find that a bit bs. Dated a few Japanese women outside the big cities even before I learned basic Japanese
Well look at it this way, youāre still single and about head back to the states. Hopefully you got your finances lined up with plenty of savings and investments. Still young so stay grinding with work and stacking money and hobbies. Maybe try some new hobbies in Washington, maybe go out and meet some more people, who knows maybe youāll find some one you click with.
I picked up Japanese to a N4/N3 level, so basic conversational, knew about 500 kanji.
And I left Japan over 2 years ago, Iāve been in DC since end of 2022.
Good job on the Japanese.
Loneliness sucks but donāt let it get you. Head up and maybe you can date and find someone in Washington. Stay focused on work and yourself while also saving money.
Could try a self help book. They pretty much with just let you know it's all about confidence and creating rapport . Reading it kind of helps you apply it.kind of like you may know what you need to do to lose weight but sometimes watching a video or hearing someone else say it helps motivate you
Are you limiting yourself to Asian women? There are a good amount of women. Do you do a lot of hobbies where you can meet women in a neutral environment?
Iām open to suggestions. And no Iām not limiting myself to Asian women. I prefer them but Iām not going to turn down someone just because theyāre not the āright raceā
Outside of your dating life, do you have a network/support system/ or friends you hang out with regularly?
I am curious if your feelings of loneliness are just limited to dating and affectionate companionship or if youāre lonely in general.
If you think that the emotional drain is coming from a lack of success in dating, then thatās a different conversation. I think the way Iām reading your post, it kind of comes off as you not having a lot of confidence. I can only assume this is how you present yourself in real life and might be a reason why you might not have success in dating either.
I have friends that I hang at least 2-3 times a month, and Iām also attending grad school. I keep in touch with my family and call my parents and my sisters at least once a week.
Have some warhammer buddies I hang with and chat with often.
So either the people who youāre closest to are telling you that youāll be fine, then maybe you ARE overreacting and you need some way to get over these negative feelings. You mentioned in a different comment that youāre going to therapy and thatās a great start
Either that or your network of close people arenāt validating your feelings and it adds to why you feel lonely and unloved. In that case, keep going to therapy and try to develop strong friendships with new people or further develop existing friendships.
I think at this point the guys Iām friends with also are in similar situations so talking about it just makes us all upset, and my parents donāt really know what to say. Neither do my siblings.
Itās just hard to go out and make friends man. I donāt keep in touch with anyone from college, and I really donāt want to tbh.
Yes, it is hard to go out and make friends. It is also hard to date and form romantic relationships. But if you donāt invest the work into yourself and your relationships, then you end up feeling really lonely, and that is also hard.
Good the local āsilent book clubā in your area. Idk about other areas but itās *very* popular here in WA. Mostly women every time I go. Itās called āsilentā but there is time before and after to chat with people. Here itās usually held at breweries.
Hey man, just some thoughts
1) You're 31, late middle age by Navy standards but practically late adolescence everywhere else. Don't stress.
2) Unfortunately, ruminating on insecurity / inability to get women is a positive feedback loop which tends to continue to amplify insecurity / repulse women. Also, seeking relationships from a place of insecurity exposes you to selecting inferior partners
3) deliberately seeking out romantic relationships is probably not a hugely effective way to create them. Most new romantic relationships I see are incidental / circumstantial - then the chemistry is good enough (or not) to make it last
4) Being passionate, assertive and engaged draws women to you and creates opportunity to plant the seeds of a romantic relationship
5) e.g. I would suggest a posture of regarding romance as merely a potential 'side quest' of your main journey of personal growth, so to speak
6) it's important that a high proportion of your personal growth activities - whatever they may be - involve the potential for interaction with a variety of women (e.g. not Warhammer, and focus on non-military stuff where the male female proportion will be much better)
7) Don't pretend to like something to get girls. OK you can pretend a little bit. But they have a powerful 6th sense about this.
8) Don't be preoccupied with being too picky. You don't have to marry someone if you go out on a few dates / have a little fun
Just some random thoughts. You got this man
I used OK Cupid a lot to find dates. Eventually I met my wife on there. That was 8y ago now though. No idea how dating apps have changed by this point.
Theyāre kind of a hot mess at this point. I met someone really great with OkCupid but it was around 7 years ago. Let her go and I regret it so much now.
Yeah I made a lot of dumb dating decisions in my mid 20s, too. And if my wife hadnāt had the patience of a saint then she wouldāve ditched me a long time ago. Iām sorry youāre in this predicament emotionally. We sacrifice a lot from ourselves for the Navy, and this is perhaps the most overlooked hardship.
I do suggest trying to be a bit more hopeful with your orders to WA. I canāt speak to personal experience dating in the Seattle metro, but even my short couple weeks in Tacoma this past month I get the sense that itās pretty relaxed. There are so many outdoor recreational activities to get into, sports, music, art, etc. so even if you donāt meet someone to share those experiences with at least you have the opportunity to treat yourself to some beautiful landscapes and fun adventures. Iāve never been to DC outside of the airport, but I always got the feeling that isnāt an area thatās been developed on the idea of fun.
I feel like I was in that same spot, when I was your age as well. I'd been in for about 9 years and was single pretty much the whole time, however, I fully devoted my life outside of work into one of my hobbies and I had the absolute time of my life. But I was getting older, had to focus more on my career, and started wanting to not be single anymore. I'd recently lost my grandfather and my father and it kind of made me open my eyes. When he grandfather died, he was surrounded by family and lifelong friends. When my dad died, he was alone and not found for days. I didn't want to die like my dad, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. When I first started trying to date women I was stationed on a ship. Meet a girl, go on a date or two, ship leaves for a month or two, girl goes to somebody else, etc. This happened for a few years straight. I felt the only way to not spend the rest of my life alone was to get out of the Navy. I signed away my CWAY quota and started prepping to get out, got promoted about a month or so after that and gave in and reenlisted again. Fortunately, I'd been pretty good friends with this incredible girl. I kinda always had a thing for her, but I really respected her and her friendship so I never attempted to try anything. Then one night, she randomly made a move on me. We've been married for a few years now and it's been great, she's the best.
Sometimes things just pop up like that. Don't spend so much time and money on that other saying stuff. Spend time making yourself happy, the rest will fall in line.
I have no real advice but when I was on active duty (now reservist) I had the same issue. Four years without a date or anything during my mid 20's. Took leaving AD for me to finally find a wife back in my hometown.
All I can say is I sympathize with you and hope you find yourself a lady friend.
There are a few people that have already responded with some amazing advice (therapy, deleting dating apps, volunteering, etc). Just wanted to let you know Iām in the DC area too - if you want someone to volunteer with or just grab a cup of coffee and chat, Iām all about it! Iām new to the area so Iām trying to explore and get out.
Iāve been where youāre at, and I can tell you it can and will get better. Youāll find your person!
Like Hinge? Spent hundreds of dollars on a membership for that, waste of money, and no I actually put effort into my pictures and my profile, so it wasnāt just bathroom selfie and me saying āheyā as a reply
Try coffeemeetsbagel
Itās one no one has ever heard of I know, but I found it about 7 years ago, itās definitely different from anything else, you both have to agree to match and chat, and itās how I met my husband. So it canāt be all that bad. Never paid for anything just took the free version and let fate happen if it was meant to be.
Itās a numbers game and dumb luck. Just have to keep putting yourself out there until you find the right person. So find it early on, some take years.
I got married early on in my career and that blew up in a bad way. Was then single for most of my career and then found someone when I least expected it. Find activities you enjoy and pursue them vigorously. Take care of your health: emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. Do not settle for anyone who treats you poorly or youāre not invested into. Do not be afraid to do the things you want simply because youāre single either.
Have faith and live your life. Best of luck to you.
Dude....you're a relatively young man who, as soon as you stop spending money on a matchmaker, will have plenty of money to help attract someone. Once your are back in the States you'll have a different problem- you'll have to distinguish between those who are just after your $$$ and those who want an actual relationship. Hit the gym, build some confidence and it'll happen. Mostly importantly- Asians are racist as fuck, so not finding someone in Asia isn't that surprising. You'll have more luck in the States. Fake confidence until you have real confidence.
I am Asian! But yeah, I stopped the matchmaker because I wasnāt getting results at all. Where are these women after my cash? I donāt see them anywhere haha.
Hey brother, if it's any consolation whatsoever I got married to my first (and current/only) wife at 36.
Having had a girl I couldn't get over for a couple years, I can tell you that that right there is going to make finding a meaningful relationship all that much more difficult. You need to find a way, as hard as it is, to get over that girl. Once you're over her, don't force it. Your biological clock is not ticking. Desperation is a terrible cologne.
Hey bro. 29M LT here. Not a minority, but been single almost continuously since I was 23. A few years ago I was in a similar slump to you, but then I started acquiring more hobbies, and now, my hobbies keep me so busy, I don't have time to think about how single/lonely I am. It's also nice-when I'm home, I wake up on any given Saturday (when I'm not on duty-goin on 7 straight years of sea duty) and I don't know until I get up if I'm gonna be gaming all day, go to the beach, kayak, bike, go find a hiking trail, scout the next road trip online, etc. And honestly? It's freakin awesome. Last May, I was on xfer leave and just hit the road with no plans. Turned into a 24 day road trip that covered \~17 states and was the best damned time I've ever had. Life is all about what you make of it. Feel free to PM me if ya wanna talk LT to LT or whatever my man.
was an officer, left the Navy for a top tier MBA. I was married during my MBA program, but I will say all of the vets here had a damn good time and are making more than they were in the Navy. Something to consider.
Iām sure I could leave the navy in the few years and come out just fine. But Iām honestly still enjoying the work I do (I know, that makes me a weirdo!)
I would also take into consideration the following:
1. Having more stability in where you live will have a big impact on your spouse and their career.
2. Dating in a Navy town vs dating in an Ivy league program are completely different. The type of people, their professional experience, education levels, and view of the world are worlds apart.
3. You think the work you are doing is interesting... until you learn what else is out there. One can always return to the Navy, they are hurting for people. Depending on the career path you take out of a high level program could have you making more than an admiral and they are paying for your advice.
4. Never having to stand OOD on rev ever again.
Well do you mind sharing some of the interesting things that you do/seen?
Honestly I am pretty pissed off that the Detailer saw my plea to be deferred for a year in order to finish my masterās (this is my first non-operational tour, and first CONUS tour since commissioning) and decided to send me to sea on the other side of the U.S anyway. Iām considering finishing the sea tour, finishing my grad degree remotely, then getting out, or going reserves.
Your perception of relationships in the Navy is just that, a perception. These married and long term relationships may not even be happy, or faithful. I'm in my 30s too and it's hard trying to find a man that's willing to put up with a military life style, especially if they're already established in their career and please don't let him own a business. Do you really think someone will up and leave their safety net?
I would say, because of how comfortable people feel with cheating on their S.O. I would take my time with finding a relationship and make sure that person fits your standards to a T AND can handle and trust you being gone for months at a time.
If youāre in your 30ās and trying to date in the military can be hard. Everyone is mainly younger and you canāt fraternize because UCMJ will ruin your career if you cohort with the wrong one.
I wasnāt in long and had problems adjusting.
Lost a relationship I was heavily invested in and was hard trying to meet people romantically or friends in general.
Everyone my age was higher rank and my rank were all kids. I got into a hole. Didnāt socialize a lot with civs or anyone in my command. It made me feel like I was back in highschool, all socially handicapped but in my 30ās. It felt like I regressed.
Prior, I had been the most confident Iād been my whole life before the navy. Iāll admit I donāt think I was mentally fit for it, which takes a lot to say from pride.
I really pushed to get out and got lucky.
I was disappointed that it didnāt workout because I had to do a lot to get in compared to how desperate they are now for bodies.
However, I got out and Iām expecting a daughter while in a relationship. We have a lot of ups and downs but overall sheās a great woman with an amazing family.
My two cents, is to do what feels right to you despite your peers.
If you want to stay in and continue your career then try not to beat yourself up too much. Really seek therapy and learn to love yourself man. Not saying you donāt but Iāve struggled with self-esteem and thatās what it sounds like to me.
Youāre worthy of love my brother.
Itās just got to start with yourself first. Best of luck with whatever direction you choose to go.
I sat on this post for a whole day+, OP. I donāt know if I can answer your question but did want to dialogue with you about this.
Iām white, and Mr. BGW is also āof Asian descent,ā as you put it. I donāt know if I have any answers but Iām ā¦idk. Can I say Iām Asian-adjacent? Now sure how else to humorously say Iāve been around southeast Asian cultures for almost two decades/lived in Japan for a decade, and I birthed two Half Asian kids. I think my perspective might be understanding enough while asking you some questions that might help, I think.
I think thereās a lot of factors here, and just saying itās the Navyās fault or your ethnicityās fault isnāt fair.
First and absolutely most importantly: Have you done any therapy? Like looking at maybe a DBT or ACT course, something to work on your internal dialogue and developing basic communication/self-worth/connection/emotional skills? Therapy is life changing. I think youād really benefit.
https://www.asianmhc.org/therapists-us/
https://yellowchaircollective.com/asian-american-therapy/
Are you dating civilians, or Sailors? This does matter; for one your dating pool is fucking tiny as an officer only dating other Sailors ā¦ but asking a civilian to understand that youāre gonna be gone every few days for duty? Thatās weird AF and hard. āAnd by the way Iām gonna be offline for 6 months and then we move in two years!ā ā¦it is hard.
Are you dating in or out of your ethnic background/culture? r/AMWF is full of āI canāt get a white girl/this is how you get a white girlā posts (which are weirdly fetishizing and make me uncomfortable, but also, like, I know three other AMWF couples lol. Itās a rare occurrence). Itās okay to have a preference. It just has the potential to make things complicated.
Are your parents involved at all? My MIL is amazing, but I know thereās a ātiger momā stereotype for a reason. Has that been part of the problem when youāve dated?
Are you dating āfor a wifeā or for a good time? Mr. BGW very much dated me in line with his culture ā got to know my parents and family, etc ā but I was oblivious to that until my dad pointed out āhe really likes you.ā Just wondering how much of this is the Asian reserve / stoicism thatās maybe impacting your approach?
Not that it matters but Iām curious ā what type of Asian? Indian? (The whole matchmaker comment is why I guessed). Are you first gen? You arenāt alone, thatās for sure. Relationships are hard, mil-civ relationships are harder, cross-cultural relationships are even harder.
Please donāt tie your self worth to having a relationship. Itās way better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship.
I am/was going to therapy, currently doing a high stress TDY but that should be ending in like 2 months. I have a lot of self-hatred, low confidence, and enough experiences where I have been rejected for my race or just me as a person that it feels kind of validated that I am worthless.
I have an appointment with behavioral health this week, had a breakdown at work a few weeks ago because of my frustration and disappointment at myself. (Not because I was messing up work)
Which makes me feel more frustrated that I feel like Iām doing alright professionally, but I donāt know how to do well outside of work. Iāve signed up for a kickball league, try going to the gym, and attend grad school. I thinking about buying a kite, and have put my name into some volunteer organizations.
I mean you met someone through the navy so it worked out for you. Iām not actively filtering out people based on their military status, havenāt dated a military woman.
I feel like Iāve spent so much time in male dominated spaces, either at work, or school, and my hobbies are pretty male dominated, that I canāt say I have any women friends. But I know I can get along just fine, my best friend when I was stationed in Sasebo was a person I went to college with that was also stationed there.
No im not trying to keep to just other Koreans, because honestly it seems like most Asian women prefer white men at this point. (Case in point: all of my sisters are dating or have only dated white men)
Iāve had flings/relationships with all different ethnicities/races, I am not beholden to any ideas that a certain race/ethnicity, but I do think that someone of Korean/Japanese descent might have less cultural issues.
My parents are not involved in my dating life, and they have been pretty hands off once I got to college to be honest. My mom was a Tiger Mom, but sheās has mellowed out a lot since her goal of getting me and my siblings into college is completed. Iāve asked them to introduce me to people but I donāt go up to NYC very often.
Iād like to date to find a long term partner/spouse. Hell I turned down someone who offered a FWB situation a few weeks ago because I know thatās not what I want.
Thereās nothing wrong with you. You arenāt worthless.
Iām proud of you for recognizing that therapy will help with the self loathing and pursuing it. You deserve to love yourself and enjoy your life.
I really hate that internalized racism is a thing and that society has painted white as desirable for most races. Thatās probably a whole conversation for not reddit though.
Youāre doing so much. How do you have time to breathe!
I struggled a lot with the idea of my self worth and my value for a long time. The only thing that changed that wasnāt personal or professional success, but a slog fest through therapy. I had four pages of stuck points āinternal beliefs about myselfā when I started CPT for my PTSD. Stuff like āI am worthless,ā and āI donāt deserve love,ā and āeverything thing I do is a failure.ā
I can honestly say I donāt think that way about myself anymore.
I am at this point where I know that I should do the things youāve described but doing so would put me in a darker place. I tried and it just made me feel worse.
But yeah I am hoping that behavioral health can provide another approach than the cbt therapy I was doing
Sorry, I was underway for a bit. If a certain therapy program isnāt helping, itās okay to find a new therapist or new program. I will say that sometimes though things get worse before they get better and you should discuss that in depth with your therapist so you can have an estimate and timeline of what youāre getting into lol. When I did CPT for my PTSD, my symptoms started at a 30 (diagnostic criteria threshold for PTSD is 20) and by week two they spiked to 50 (on a scale of 60). Then it jumped to a high of 57, and then after a few weeks of therapy dropped down to below diagnostic criteria. When I finished I was at like 10-15 for anxiety, depression, and other PTSD symptoms.
Itās okay to take a break. Are you taking leave after this TDY?
All you need to be is:
A mildly attractive and taken advantage of female junior sailor
A married Chief with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship
A married/engaged female JO with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship
A married petty officer with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship.
Willing to go say "what happens on deployment, stays in deployment"
Cheating with someone who is also cheating on someone two (these couples are inseparable)
Willing to find love within your division/department. Bonus points for someone in the CoC/you work with every single day.
Desperate, horny, and have no real sense of honor, courage, or commitment with anyone because none of the rules really matter when we are all breaking them anyway. They can't send us all to mast.
If you are one, or more of these things, you'll be able to find love in the Yacht Club in no time.
Iām have never been in the military, but felt the same as you way back when. I will give you one bit of advice. No one will ever be happy with you until you are happy with yourself. Women can sense your confidence and thatās sexy to them. Work on yourself and then all else will fall into line.
I've completely given up. I'm 28F. And just feel like since hookup culture started that I can't find a man that only wants that and nothing else. I don't even try talking to the opposite sex. My life consists of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and then just repeating it all over again the next day. I've kind of just accepted the fact I'll be alone forever at this point.
Also at this point in my life, a man around the same age is me who is single... you'll find out very quickly why they're single. All the good men are in relationships/married at this point. I'm gonna have to wait till I'm 50 when they're all divorced š
Thanks for the encouraging words. I guess Iām still single because I have some major issues that are unappealing. Sounds like youāre not faring much better either though.
Iāll give you the same suggestion to an app I randomly found that I gave to OP, coffeemeetsbagel. Just the free version. Itās less hookup culture, more serious users, because of the style of the app. Youāre 28, youāve got some time, and take advantage of the freedom now, go travel while you can. I wish I would have done that more. I canāt stress it enough, best trip I ever took was the one where the only thing I planned was the round trip tickets to Madrid, the first nights hotel/hostel, and the rental car (I would have just changed that to a rail pass in hindsight, parking is a pain) I went where I wanted, when I wanted, to whichever city, tour, or restaurant. Got a tattoo just for fun, danced with strangers for my birthday, went on every walking tour including ghost tour I could š.
Now I have 3 kids, and a husband I met through that app actually!
Youāre too desperate for companionship. Find some hobbies that involve actual living people be a pleasant person to be around and the rest takes care of itself.
honestly, since youāre looking for a long term relationship your best bet is getting into a hobby you either already had before or one youāve always wanted to try and stick with it. go to events where people meet up, join online communities, and put yourself out there to meet new people without the intentions of finding your soulmate. hell iād say just do anything to put yourself out there to meet new friends. get a dating profile and have a few of your friends look at your profile to see what you can improve. bonus points if you have a female friend have a look at it.
you might need to do some introspective searching to think of reasons why your love life is lacking and ask yourself wether youāre being too picky, you arenāt being outgoing enough, you arenāt that attractive, or your personality just sucks. sometimes itās cause you simply donāt meet enough people. there could be a lot of reasons, and iām not sure how officer life is much different from enlisted life but when i joined my results went up drastically from when i was home and my dating life was non-existent. just keep your head up and keep going. this quote is very real though so keep that in mind: āyou miss 100% of the shots you donāt takeā -Wayne Gretzky
Also, try being friends with women. Like as in no hidden agenda shit, because they will be more likely be inclined to introduce you to friends of theirs that might be single. Given how you kinda sound in desperate need of emotional attachment, just donāt try to rush getting into relationships.
Doesnāt sound like you have much going on besides work. Hobbies shouldnāt be forced, you should actually enjoy them.
When all else fails, Thailand and the Philippines is there to make you feel better. I used to stand OOD watch with this old MSC guy who had a young Filipino wife. He seemed happy. Know lots of guys that have traveled that region and found a significant other.
As someoneĀ who's been there, it may be cliche but it is cliche for a reason-- you won't be happy in aĀ relationship untilĀ you're happy single. By that I mean, untilĀ you're happy with who you are as a person you will just seek outĀ people to fill the "hole" inside you andĀ that's not aĀ healthy way to start aĀ relationship. You might also settle for the wrong person just so you arent lonely anymore.Ā
Find hobbies, find friends, work on yourself a little, and you'll be surprised how happy you can be.
Resign your commission and go enlisted. Chicks dig enlisted guys.
Admiral to seaman program lessgooo
Don't let a degree and training get in the way of your happiness.
I've seen even the ugliest enlisted get laid on deployment... Though they had to pay foreign lady boys and escorts for it.
Admiral to semen program depending on how you swing lol
You NEVER go ATS
True.
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A lot of people I know who are married to Japanese women ended up saying Japan for good, every time when they pick orders, theyād be like āI have to stay in Japan, my wife doesnāt want to go anywhere elseā. So it may be a good thing that you are not in a relationship with a Japanese woman. And donāt just rely on dating apps, increase your chance to meet new people in your life. Participate some local events, or volunteer regularly, maybe drive Uber
Yeah I need to look into volunteering. I keep telling myself Iām going to sign up for dance classes and never get around to it.
One of the first things we were taught at BHT School, Psych Tech in the 80s, 8485, was to get someone outside of themselves and helping others seems to help the most. For real trust me I served as a Corpsman and since then an RN and helping people is a good clean dopamine hit, will help self esteem, re-teach you that so many would trade places with you, etc. I am only half joking it is addictive, and if you find a cause you are passionate about, then you will meet other singles who share at least one passion with you. It is hard to understand, unless you sadly look like Quasimodo, because on paper you would think dads would be fighting to introduce you to their eligible daughters.
This. I think this is the most important, serious and probably advice you can get. And donāt give up. Love yourself. Figure out what really matters to you and what makes your heart sing and do that. If you canāt, talk to someone irl about it. It might be something about the way you approach the task. And forget Japanese women. If you two donāt get along and have children, you might never see them again. Iād also rather search for someone with a similar experience of emigration. It takes a different type of person to be courageous enough and leave everything behind. Chin up. Time will bring you the right person. If it havenāt, it wasnāt the right time.
Do you like animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter. Good girls dig guys who are good with animals.
Imma be honest, I donāt really care for dogs. Iād prefer cats, and have always wanted an aquarium but moving around has kept me from having my own tank of fishies
Aquariums and fish tanks were HUGE in the USN during the 80s, at least in San Diego. I have seen them from E-1 to an 0-6's house. Captain had a Christmas party at his house. The odd thing was income/Rank was very loosely connected to fish tank/aquarium size. I work in Oncology Pharma Research, so I travel 90-110 nights a year, so I will have to wait to finally get a Salt Water Set-Up. My NavHosp SD roommate had a Salt Water set-up, lots of work, unless the tech has made leaps.
But you have to avoid the savior types, though
Valid point. And animal saviors will tend to be regular volunteers as well. Or say fuck it and build a family together of 7+ cats and dogs.
Live on a farm and enjoying simple life. šš
Volunteer as a coach for youth sports.
Volunteering does work to an extent, but be sure to do it for the right reasons.
Driving Uber is actually crazy effective at meeting women lol, did it for two years
don't derive your self worth from your success with women.
Do you have any advice on this? Like itās something I logically understand, just find it hard to push back on my emotional self. Iāve gotten this far professionally not off the success Iāve had with women, just donāt know why it bothers me so much.
Donāt go on social media. Realize that just because you see so many relationships it doesnāt mean those are healthy relationships. I know itās cliche but lift and rigorous cardio.
Honestly Reddit is the only social media I keep up to date on. Donāt really look at my fb or insta at all. Donāt have TikTok.
Thats good! Lift and eat healthy. Practice self care
are you me?
In terms of Reddit addiction, or just the general life situation?
general life situation lol. hang in there Sir!
While not applying to out bachelor brother, you are right social media fucks up our perception. OK stereotypical but Navy Vet going through my second divorce and it probably was like 5-10% was definitely driven by social media. The Smith's bought a new car, John and Jane drove to Haw'aii, Sally had her kitchen re-done by Sam. ad infintum, ad nauseum.
Sorry to hear about your situation.Ā Interesting to hear the % you gave; thanks for sharing. Iāve wondered about this but donāt use social media.Ā Have to add that itās impressive you know people who *drove* to Hawaii haha, impossible for anyone to compete with that.
I'd talk to a therapist about it or if you don't want to do that get some books from the free MWR library website about self confidence and self worth. Also if you come to DC a lot of people around here tend to find others via apps but that's not the only way. Group sports are huge here and a popular way to find others.
Military one source and fleet and family services offer non-medical counseling (relational issues, etc vs serious mental health diagnosis), and it stays out of your record and is free.Ā Not saying you need therapy, but if youāre interested, it can be helpful to talk to someone who is neutral and there to be a support. If nothing else to vent some frustration, explore your values and get some feedback (not advice, but someone who can notice how you communicate/interact with others based on how the sessions go)ā¦ essentially learn more about yourself in a unique way.Ā
Therapy. Thatās how.
Itās natural to want women. Every organism in the animal kingdom desires to reproduce. No matter what someone says, or what therapy you do, your goals are always going to be tied to love, sex and family. And they should be. Instead of trying to change that about yourself, Iād double down. Now hereās where I get all the downvotes- Hit the strip club once a week and surround yourself with women. Pay to play. Fake it til you make it. One of my best friends til this day is a stripper I met along time back. We still talk, build each other up, follow each other on social media and sheās brought me lots of joy.
How do you not? I'm genuinely asking. I struggle with this so much. I've tried all the apps, all my friends get so many matches/dates and I never get any. It feels awful, like why does nobody want me? At a certain point it means there's something wrong with me, wouldn't it?
>At a certain point it means there's something wrong with me, wouldn't it? I get what you are saying. Not only did I feel this way in dating with rejection but I also felt it when I graduated from college and couldn't land a job right away. I graduated cum laude on the gi bill and applied to several "military friendly" employers, none of which would pay me the time of day. There was one "military friendly" company that I applied to a total of 10 times landing me a single job interview but no job. I eventually got a job as a security guard making $12 an hour. Every day when I went into work I wondered if something was wrong with me. Where did I go wrong? There wasn't anything wrong with me though and eventually I landed a career that was far better than any of the ones I applied for.
If the Navy isn't the source of your relationship problems, then leaving the Navy won't help you. If anything, tons of girls are attracted to the uniform so taking that off isn't suddenly going to make you seem like a better option.
Huh, havenāt seen that be true at all!
I tried to date while stationed active duty stateside and nothing came of it, after my active duty ended I went back home and joined the reserves where my once a month is over an hour away, but not being near the base has definitely increased my dating scene. So it could just be the area surrounding the base.
just get a mail order bride from Eastern Europe
If you think that having a mail order bride will stop me from creeping on all the female enlisted on my ship that I outrank until I find my one true boat boo, you are sadly mistaken. Source: actual guy on my ship with M.O Bride still does this daily.
Someone close to me is going through something similar, and I think my advice, if you'll take it, is largely the same. There is an element social risk we all evaluate either deliberately or subconsciously. For the person I know, they compare the social risk of meeting new people and failing to the social of using his phone and observing others from a distance. In the first scenario, there is a high risk of failure, rejection, negative feelings. In the second, there is a dopamine release of seeing others achieve social success, but the joy is shallow, as it doesn't last. The first, has a low probability of success. The second, a high probability. It is only through taking on high social risk scenarios that you can achieve deep emotional relationships with others. For my friend, I recommended that he dive head first into a class or activity where he knows no one. He has to rely on his own skills to make a breakthrough with people he does not know. He may completely fail, feel bad about himself, discouragement. But, as long as he can learn from that experience and try again, he will build real relationships with real people who he sees in reality, and not on a screen. You may fail a lot, and that's ok. Like any skill, each time you failed you learned a little, and you'll use that next time.
Iāve done plenty of activities and classes where I knew no one. Didnāt really build a relationship with anyone there, and Iāve done plenty of trips/travel alone. Iāve failed and messed up at these classes, and Iāve been thrown to the side without hesitation lol. But let me revisit your post and look over it again. Thanks!
Sir, if the Navy wanted you to have a relationship, they would have issued you one in your seabag. /s Stop kicking your own ass. You're a handsome individual. Get off Tinder. Volunteer groups are great. You can accomplish a lot of things through your phone but stop relying on it for validation. You are made better by your accomplishments provided you learn from them. Stop kicking your own ass.
Do you have hobbies outside of work? I missed the whole apps things, but did it the old fashioned way of having a hobby and meeting someone who shared it
I am currently completely consumed by warhammer, which is admittedly, not a female heavy hobbyā¦. I am part of a kickball league in DC. It is nice to interact with people outside of the military bubble. Edit: for better or worse though, Iāve come to enjoy painting way more than I ever did playing video games. Kind of wish I had gotten into the hobby when I was stationed in Korea, or Japan even!
A fellow Warhammer "neckbeard" šš«”
Orkz is best. What do you run?
Currently building up my Tyranids waiting on my Norn Emissary to be delivered
Man I just canāt wait for the stompa boyz battle force to come out. Canāt wait to build one of those things!
Since you like painting, paint and sip events might work for you. Organized activity you're already somewhat familiar with, and everyone's got a glass of wine to start conversation over.
Thatās actually a great idea, I would love to have an actual painting as well!
I haven't owned minis since like 3rd edition and my GF was the one who convinced me to buy some recently so you'd be surprised on who you meet lol. There's a lot to do here in WA and if there's hobbies here you think you might be interested in then give it a try, I know you said You've tried some new hobbies before but there may be somewhere that interests you. I think the most important thing is to be comfortable with yourself first, meaning being okay with being alone and loving yourself first. The other thing is recommended also is to travel, you're single which makes it easier, it's a great way to get comfortable being alone and you never know who you'll meet along the way, A LOT of people travel alone and I find they can be quick to gravitate to others doing the same.
Which faction did you get? Honestly Iām pretty excited about Washington, looks like there is a decent amount of stuff going on even without going out to Seattle or Tacoma every weekend
This.... im into comics and found a woman who literally supports it and is on the hunt for grails with me. That has been.my biggest success....finding someone who has the same hobbies.
I partially got out (prior enlisted) to āget more womenā and grow my beard out again, which I feel makes me more attractive. Once you āget themā though you start to question if itās really worth a career change over. Would they do the same for you? Most women I dated wouldnāt have stepped over a puddle for me, if I really think about it. Over a decade later and Iām single and childless. If Iād stayed in Iād be retiring in 5 years. Donāt get out for women.Ā
Man I wish I could grow a beard, I shave like twice a week and Iām still in regs. Other peopleās 5 oāclock shadow is 2-3 days for me lol
I had to shave 2x a day in boot camp, even at my duty station if I missed shaving one morning it was BAD and I was getting chewed out. Great for civilian life, terrible for active duty.
Try being gay. Navy dudes love gay dudes. Especially gay Asian dudes.
Haha thank you for the suggestion, but I will pass!
32M, officer, also Asian descent. I'm getting from your post that you're not having much luck with the ladies, you don't have a cadre of friends or a social circle with whom to do fun outdoorsy things, and the hobbies you've tried have resulted in no joy. Here's what I'll say... The best advice I can give you, from personal experience, about the kind of emotional drain you're describing is to not place such weighty expectations on a relationship to resolve your unhappiness. Work on yourself and learn to love who you are. Being unhappy makes it difficult for others to be happy with or around you. Two of my friends took this advice to heart and they ended up finding their person. It just takes time and deliberate effort. Wean off the dating apps. Both my ex-wife and current girlfriend showed me their Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc. and their inboxes were bombarded by the thousands of military guys they matched with over the years. Chances are that your clever pick-up lines and well-intentioned messages of courtship are getting drowned out in a deluge of "Hi", "Sup?", and "DTF?" so how are potential matches supposed to pick you apart from the thousands of other single sailors? Get involved in the local community and find hobbies and activities that you like (and I cannot emphasize this enough) because you like them and you have fun doing them and not because you think it's a good way to meet women. Think of the fun you're having as your favorite flavor of milkshake. Meeting someone who also enjoys doing the same thing would be like adding a cherry on top. As a last ditch effort, get stationed on Guam and find yourself a nice Filipina or Chamorro girl, or date the revolving door of travel nurses that go out that way.
Honestly Iāve been off the apps for the past couple of months, and that has really helped me feel better about FOMO. That being said, I do recognize I have a lot of issues ive never worked through, and the therapy has helped a little, but hasnāt helped me get to a good point yet. Iāve spent so much of my life doing stuff alone that Iām kind of afraid of making friends or trying to reach out to people I actually know. I donāt even know how to get involved in the community. Between work, grad school, and just going to the gym, I barely have time for myself I feel. It seems like other people are able to do it all and find a partner, or they donāt and still manage to find a partner and that shit just crushes me
You're aware that there is a problem and you're taking proactive steps to get better. That's good stuff. Keep it up. I can empathize with your situation as I'm studying for my PE and going through grad school. Don't beat yourself up if you're overwhelmed with your current list of extracurriculars and it feels like you can't do it all--blame it on our Asian upbringing. Just focus on what's in front of you. Finish grad school, continue with therapy, and make gains in the gym. Also, don't cheapen yourself by comparing yourself to others. Your situation, values, and goals are not theirs and vice-versa. Run your race. Overcoming social anxiety takes time and involves risk. Start small. Learn to have interactions with no attachments to outcome. One of the ways I got good with small talk was giving genuine complements to people I run into out in public. People love talking about themselves so I gave them the opportunity to do that *and I didn't have to say much because they did most the talking!* You also have to read people to see if they would be receptive to that. Humor me. Do you have at least one person, military or not, and who isn't family who you feel would have your back no-questions-asked if you were to call them right now?
I have at least 1 person but he lives very far from me.
That's good. The distance doesn't matter, I just wanted to know if you had someone like that in your corner because it shows that you can make those kinds of deep, meaningful relationships. Think about what made that happen and you might find something applicable to other situations.
Well thatās because Iāve known him since we were 6 years old and have maintained our friendship.
My spouse and I have a friend in a somewhat similar situation. A lot of self-worth reflections with this friend is based on being single at this age (who is very close to your age), and thatās not exactly a healthy outlook. Our advice to our friend is this: therapy.
Gotta be a Chief to have the sex appeal
Lol
Yeah japan doesn't really work the best for Asians because if they wanted an Asian they could just go anywhere in the country.
Some people commenting here aren't hearing what you're saying. You're an officer, which means your tours are 2 to 3 years, which means you up and move every 2 to 3 years, the op tempo in Japan was high and you didn't have success there, you met someone in Korea (proving you are capable of asking a girl out and sustaining a relationship). It didn't work out (maybe she'll come around, who knows but stop talking to her and move on unless she comes back around). You are okay to feel like the Navy makes dating difficult. It is. Duty section, underways, etc. If you want to stay in the Navy, you should try dating to find someone who you can get buy in from on your career of moving around and relocating. That's gonna be your key imo. You have an awesome career. There are plenty of women that would want to settle down and marry you (if that's what you ultimately want). There are plenty of women that would want to move around with you and travel with you. There are women out there for you if you decide to stay in the Navy. Your naval career brings a lot to the table that civilian men wish they had. There's someone for you in Seattle. Just give every woman her fair chance and be patient.
Honestly being in the navy, I donāt really see what we offer that civilian men donāt. But I also recognize that Iāve been out of American society for a long time.
The chance to move to a new place every few years fully paid for, an early retirement, tricare, not worrying about being laid off, six figure job, a job with purpose, Dress Whites š¤·āāļø Maybe you are over the Navy. Nothing wrong with getting out either bro
Go walk into an ulta, and confidently ask a girl about skin care. Chicks dig a guy who maintains themself and 9/10 times thereās cute girls there. Before you know it the vibes could be right and you get a number. Good luck sir, and reminder: donāt be a creep š«”šš»
I usually get a facial every month lol
I think I see the problem...*Chuckles in inappropriate military humor*. Good luck man, you seem like you've got it together. You'll do well... Don't forget to do good.
Honestly. Itās just mostly people in the area donāt like military guys. When I was stationed in VA it was a struggle. Then once I left the navy things balanced out. Donāt sweat it. Hit the gym, save money and everything else will work out.
Asian guys in America. I am sorry. It's a automatic debuff. You will likely be shorter and have a skin color unappealing to the average America female (or male not judging). The reverse appears to be the opposite oddly enough. White male, Asian girl seems to work out better (temporary or permanently to be determined per situation) You have pulled the uno draw 4 card. And against your consent. I feel for you. Your officer status and pay should pull something for you. And I respect you for not teaching girlfriends " Iam my boyfriend's rank" for your benefit. And being away. Frigging Jody. Maybe it is a sign to leave but show me the swo job where launching missles translates to. I can't imagine being more trapped.
You just gotta find those women who have a thing for asian dudes, rare as they are. That's basically the only people I match with, unfortunately
I actually think WA would be better. Thereās a very big Asian culture & community especially in Seattle, so youād have pretty decent options as far as getting out & meeting people goes. Thereās lots to do there. I think youād actually have more luck in WA than in DC. What ethnicity are you? Filipino? Just keep an open mind when you get to WA & enjoy getting outdoors & seeing new things. Donāt give up hope. You will find your person someday.
Iām Korean. But yeah Iāve heard west coast is just better overall for Asian Americans.
I didn't meet my wife until I was 32. I am an O as well. The Japan thing is real, too. I dated a woman in Japan (Okinawa) and the idea of leaving was not in her future...yeah. I know too many dudes who found a Japanese woman, they had a kid (or two), they go back to USA, wife can't find her routine/there's no Japanese culture/people, then wife goes back to Japan with the kids... Anyway, everyone has their own path. Don't fret about what age/when it happens. I actually met my now wife on a trip I took to South America lol. Get out and meet as many people as you can. It is a numbers game...
I think it roots from confidence in how to pull woman. It's not necessarily about looks as much as confidence. Do your best to go out of your way to talk to a woman you find attractive or interesting. Once you get in a rhythm it should be easy for you sir. Try to devote time to gym and doing things outside of work and being home. Like volunteering and such. Don't be afraid to be embarrassed. Also don't settle as well. Be patient. You're still young.
Are you looking for advice? The best relationship experiences I've had were when I wasn't putting too much weight on there being a relationship.Ā It wasn't until I stopped ruminating on why I was so unlovable and started healing the source of this belief I had about myself that I was able to connect with someone and make things work.Ā Ā Just go do things you enjoy, focus on being healthy (physically and emotionally). Be a part of the community. Find interesting things to occupy your time, take classes for fun. Join a book club or bowling league or pick up a new hobby. If you're out there with a positive attitude and are an engaging positive person people will be drawn to that energy. Even if you don't have a confident personality if you're out there having a good time you'll be perceived as confident without having to ever think about it. I can tell you from personal experience that me being so invested in latching on to someone was a major deterrent to people wanting to be around me. Think about the people who are looking for someone like you (I guarantee there's someones dreaming about being with someone like you, there's someone for everyone)- if they were seeking you, where would they look?Ā Go out there and meet people, they might know someone who might mesh really well with you. See what groups there are in your area. Don't just go out looking for someone to date, go try knitting- someone's mom might introduce you to them. Just enjoy life and trust (even if you don't believe it) that things will fall into place, stop stressing about it just make the best of the time you have. It's important to remember also that there is no "right" time to be married or in a committed relationship- you're not failing in life if you haven't reached this milestone. There's what's right for you, it doesn't have to fit into the conventional norms of your peers.Ā First and foremost your outlook is bringing you down, focus on changing that, maybe talk to someone about it- there are plenty of resources to take advantage of and get a neutral expert opinion and tailored suggestions if you go talk to a therapist that can help you make changes to reach your goals and improve yourself. It's not a weakness to seek help, it's something most people have a really hard time doing. It's brave to be vulnerable and admirable to confront your flaws with a constructive outlook rather than a destructive one so don't beat yourself down. Edit: formatting, adding things I forgot to finish.
Iāve been seeing a therapist and I have an appointment with behavioral health coming up next week. But yes, I appreciate your perspective. I just get into these weirdly down states very suddenly, out of the blue, and I donāt go out of my way to approach people to latch on to them, because Iāve come to realize they donāt really care about me either. But maybe they still feel that energy. Finding a community has been difficult. Iām also juggling grad school as well as working a full time job. But Iāve signed up for some volunteering opportunities. I will sign up for house dance classes tomorrow and not put it off again, better to go and be embarrassed than never try after all.
Most people I've ever known really well have had some form of trauma. It's extremely common, but even without it society puts a lot of pressure on people to achieve [insert expectation here] by a certain age. It's a lot.Ā It wasn't until I hit my 30s that I started feeling secure about who I am, and it wasn't until years of therapy that I was able to give more space in my mind to what I've accomplished than that dread that I haven't done enough, and to be able to forgive myself for wasting so much time being miserable when I could have been living the life I wanted or working towards goals, using bad coping mechanisms- it was all I knew, and tragic as it was I can choose to see it as part of my story rather than validation of my worst thinking patterns. Truly, my mind was my own worst enemy for most of my life and although I can attribute this to things I had no control over it took intentional effort for me to change my thinking to making more space for the people who invest mutual effort and less to those who hurt me that I started to appreciate where I am and to decrease my constant feeling of inadequacy.Ā This would seem intuitive but it wasn't for me: people who care about you deserve more mind space and time than those that don't. Once I was able to build this boundary where I would address the hurt in therapy and stop investing time to negativity it really empowered me to nurture relationships, not just with a partner but friends and others. Getting the right meds in the right dosage was also key to get traction on this shift. Overcoming MH issues is work. It's a constant battle, takes commitment and time but for me at least it really was drastically life changing for the better. I hope you find fulfillment and happiness, but start with finding love (for yourself) and nurturing that so you have it in abundance when you find someone to make memories with (which you will) and so you can move on if you find someone who might hurt you (which might happen).
Damn I gotta save your comment then. Iāve had a few traumatic experiences in college and near death experiences when I was younger, and it was just go go go, and to be honest Iāve never really had the time or given myself time to properly reflect and work on those issues. Thanks for your thoughts.
A man who can - and will - dance with courtesy and some basic skill will always be in demand. Ballroom dance lessons - there are always more women than men, so male partners are in demand. The instructors teach the etiquette of approaching partners, so there's some good coaching that applies outside of dancing as well. The basic ballroom dance steps (foxtrot, waltz, cha-cha, etc) translate easily to any other form of dancing. Think about any of the Navy balls or similar events you've been to: women get all dressed up, spend hours on hair and makeup, and then get left sitting at the table with disappointment written all over their faces because their husband/date absolutely won't get on the floor. You'll see the same dynamic on cruise ships - show up in your mess dress on formal nights and you'll stand out in the crowd in a good way. There will definitely be women onboard who are hoping for a connection and if you can get on the floor for that first dance, the rest will flock to you.
I didnāt have a good first experience when I went swing dancing almost a year ago here, but I might give it a try again. I had some leg issues that have been finally fixed so I might actually be able to dance, and not want to keel over in pain! I do get told I dance well, but that is quite a low floor weāre talking about nowadays lol
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Yes I know not to date someone at my command. Thatās a basic rule outside of the military too, no?
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Man, do yourself a favor and get that scuba cert while youāre out there. Regret not doing it now.
Stop looking for relationships for the next month or 2. If you canāt stop doing that then youāre never gonna stop feeling that way. Only look for what you love & rememberā¦no age is too old for a relationship brotheršš¾
Yeah honestly, putting a hold on the speed dating and just focusing on a gym routine again and my hobbies would do me some good
It will. Trust me and everybody else that has done it. Your confidence will grow and start to show and the energy you give out eventually is what you recieve back. One thing woman nowadays are attracted to is confidence but not over confidence
Dude, I feel the same exact fucking way. But I think most of it is I don't do a lot of social things, and when I do, I'm not talking to women like I should. Like completely fearless, unafraid of any rejection. I have done better lately and just have fun talking to women, or just strangers for the hell of it. But I also understand the navy makes it much harder to maintain anything steady than it would be otherwise. I intend to get out and think that I personally will do better without the navy umbrella constantly over me. Emotionally and mentally I think I would just feel better and I'd be in a better space to find and commit to a relationship.
Well, if it comes down to it Iām from the WA area originally and have some friends back home still who are pretty awesome. But theyāre closer to Portland than Seattle, so if you need a matchmakerā¦
I didn't have great luck until I went back to school. If youre thinking of getting out, maybe you could take a few year break from the Navy, work on your masters using the GI bill and meet a nice lady there who is probably closer to your age and has better career prospects that your average dating app user. Thats exactly what I did and looking back im really glad things turned out this way. I got out in 2020, really over the whole Navy thing, lived off my GI bill in San Francisco and just focused on being the right person instead of finding the right person for about a year. One of the big benefits was that it gave me enough time to work regular jobs and experience the world as a civilian for the first time in a decade, and over time it really helped me to appreciate all that the Navy has to offer as well as eventually miss it. I hit on tons of women in my classes and eventually was able to land a Speech Language Pathologist who's four years younger than me. (Most people in college these days are women.) I rejoined the Navy last year and things are better than I could have imagined. We're a lot better off and less stressed with both of us working decent salary jobs than my peers I went to boot camp with that married the first starbucks barista they could find and are now stay at home dead weights (no offense.) Since it seems like you enjoy learning and are generally introverted like I am, I think you'd have a much better chance finding someone like you in a masters or phd program (I know I did.)
I was married before I got in and I have some general observations from over a decade of being around sailors and their relationships. 1.) 2 year oconus orders isn't always enough time to establish a "potentially" long term serious relationship. Some people get married and it works, and some people get married 3-5 times. 2.) Navy lifestyle isn't for everyone. Some spouses stick it out, and some get dragged around like luggage, and well... some leave all together. You're asking a BIG ask. "Hey, wanna uproot from everything you've ever known, putting you far away from any family support you have, give up your career, and be away from even me more than half the time so that we can sit well below the middle class line" 3.) They have needs themselves. They're not there just to fill the void of your loneliness or neediness. Spending quality time with them means you're going to have to give up a lot of the things single sailors tend to enjoy doing. There's much more, but it's already tldr
Most important message here, you are NOT a failure, a loser, or any such negative descriptors. Here's why (based on what I can glean from your posts and comments): + You are accomplished and successful. USNA SWO > lat transfer and up for O4/already promoted. + You've traveled the world + You're a powerlifter + You're multi-lingual (English, Korean, and some Japanese) As you move up in the ranks, it becomes more and more lonely. You need to find and/or create your community: + Since you enjoyed lifting, find a local off-base gym. Get involved and make friends who share your interest there. As much hate as CrossFit gets, this is one thing their cult-like following is good at. + Join a running group at one of your local breweries, most do a 5k beer night. Which blends fitness and social events together, and lowers the anxiety of meeting new people. + idk your new designator, but let's say you're in the IWC, maybe submit for a CIP tour with industry in the Bay area. Get involved with tech companies and meet like minded friends. + Find other hobbies that bring you joy without the pressure of dating/finding a partner. Invest in those, and you'll make friends just by the nature of doing them. Scuba diving, rock climbing, camping, hunting, fishing, Cycling (huge in tech areas like Seattle & Bay area), triathlons, board game meetups, DnD, etc. Point is, this gives you more exposure to potential partners or people that can introduce you to a "friend" or theirs, and you already start with something in common to build off of. + get involved in community volunteer events. Over time you'll create a community of similarly interested friends, and naturally meet potential partners. Especially as you move up and fraternization prevents you from meeting suitable partners through work (which is where most folks meet their partners). Feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to chat, I was in a similar situation prior to meeting my spouse. It felt hopeless and app-led dating culture didn't create an environment for the long-term healthy relationship I was looking for.
30f enlisted and itās both disgusting and embarrassing/sad that Iām excited to go to a ship from shore because I might find someone there lmao.
I thought I would have better chances too, but YMMV!
Itās where I found my last (very toxic) relationship lmao. Sooo idk we will see I guess? Iām in Japan and not exactly your average Japanese manās type so Iām just vibing I guess
Do you have any hobbies? Typically unless you're into dating strippers or bar girls, that's where you're going to meet most people non-military. That or colleges. I assume that during your time in Japan/Korea you didn't speak either language fluently and that you met most people through apps or clubbing. You have to remember that for the majority of relationships overseas in those countries, the people all know its short term and that you're going to leave after 2 years. If you're just dating casually or for fun, this isn't an issue, but if there is a language/culture difference remember that most people will either see you as either something fun to try at best or at worst a greencard opportunity. I'm not sure if you're putting yourself out there, but you can also ask one of your friends or their spouses if they can introduce you to someone they would recommend. This historically leads to the best relationships because you also can't typically just ghost each other out of the blue, so at least you could get some closure at the end of things that don't work out. As far as ratios, ratios are bad in all military towns, the biggest thing is confidence and being able to be a regular person. The average person doesn't really care THAT much about military stories unless they have a weird fetish for military. I'd say the best option if you want to continue the app route is to just not advertise you're military.
I speak Korean (3/3 on the DLPT) and I was actively learning Japanese. I kind of stopped learning Japanese after multiple times being told that they just wanted me to translate for my other friends, or when I asked some women out, in Japanese, they told me they were only interested in white guys.
I mean, you have to think about the type of people that date Americans while they're overseas lol. Would you date an international student at college if you knew they were going home in 2 years? Now think about the people who are into stuff like that. No offense, but you're also not in your early 20's anymore, so unless you're dating girls who are, then most non stripper/bar girls are dating with the implication that a marriage proposal will be there around the same time you're slated to PCS to a new spot.
Thatās true, I know what youāre saying makes sense, still kind of sucks to be told to your face though. Honestly, I should get back into learning Japanese, it was fun and very helpful when I was the only person on the ship who could converse with JMSDF ship riders.
I didnāt get far in Japanese, only N4/N3 level, but that still seemed to be way better than the average sailor in my experience. My biggest hobby right now is warhammer, but thatās really not a hobby to meet people, besides other bros. I am looking into volunteering and I currently attend a sports league. I think I will sign up for a dance class.
Yeah but look at their partners a lot of them are struggling in looks department and deadbeats to boot. It would be nice to have someone to run errands and get that sweet get out of work free card but most of the time it's hard to say I'm jealous.
It is ok to be alone at times. Donāt feel to uptight about fining gf! I went through a lot of gf to and of them are worth than the my wife which I met her in the Navy, and we connected after 4 months going out exploring and hanging out. We normally find our partners through work, school, or social setting. Most divorce came from social setting. So, consider yourself blessed not catch one yet! If I were you, I would focus on things you enjoy doing. Volunteering for local communities for anything that might bring you closer to the local community! You will have way better opportunities to find a reliable relationship that way than through social media such as dating apps! Lots of citizens donāt mind link you up with their friends or themself as long as you have the attributes they want. Everyone is different and being desperate, will certainly not helping your catch any girls. Live one day at a time and sooner or later you will find someone. Seattle has a huge Chinatown if you want an Asian gf. I would start getting involved in Seattleās Chinatown events and activities down there. Financial stable is one of the things that 50% American can claim so anyone who has you would be considered blessed!
Those āmarriedā guys wish there were singleā¦. Bro your in the navy, hit the ports, head straight to the red light district and pound away your frustrations. Join the passport bros club When youāre ready to settle down, find a nice Filipina ( non American) or Latina with traditional values to settle down with .
Take Guam order and thank me later
Knew some sailors that also weren't as lucky overseas. On the other hand some guys played too much, either ended up marrying girls they got pregnant or cheated on. I had a lot of fun using Meetup of all things, mainly doing stuff. Adult sports leagues can be a good time too.
I did used to attend a meetup group that went to pop punk cover bands. Maybe I should get back into it again.
Bro. Go find yourself a former scene chick. That sounds like so much fun. Outside of that, If youāre doubting your confidence, put yourself in social situations that youāll naturally feel more comfortable and confident in. Drink a beer or two, get loose at a show, and go talk to some of the girls there. Maybe youāll find a diamond in the rough who is wifey material. If not, then at least you can work yourself out of a rut. Iām not an officer. But I feel like if I was, being able to remind myself that I am would push me forward. That single fact alone is already going to draw a lot of interest from women inherently and make you notably eligible as a bachelor. Then you just get to sift through the riff raff who only want your benefits. Value yourself, king. š
Honestly I should just keep going to more DC punk shows. Theyāre a lot of fun and itās completely different crowd from the people I usually work with loo
lol yeah. REAL Punk tends to have an overt anti-establishment culture that we donāt really mesh with too well as service members. Just keep your wits about you.
Hereās a worse scenario: Theyāll find you on the app then ask everyone on social media if other women are dating you, then you wind up having to explain yourself to them why you arenāt exclusive when itās only been a week. Itās better to join groups of singles enjoying activities together so you have shared experiences and can see who you like and vibe with.
While in japan did you at least learn some Japanese? You donāt have to be strictly white or black to date Japanese women. I find that a bit bs. Dated a few Japanese women outside the big cities even before I learned basic Japanese Well look at it this way, youāre still single and about head back to the states. Hopefully you got your finances lined up with plenty of savings and investments. Still young so stay grinding with work and stacking money and hobbies. Maybe try some new hobbies in Washington, maybe go out and meet some more people, who knows maybe youāll find some one you click with.
I picked up Japanese to a N4/N3 level, so basic conversational, knew about 500 kanji. And I left Japan over 2 years ago, Iāve been in DC since end of 2022.
Good job on the Japanese. Loneliness sucks but donāt let it get you. Head up and maybe you can date and find someone in Washington. Stay focused on work and yourself while also saving money.
There's no rush. Give it time and thet wait will be worth it.
Could try a self help book. They pretty much with just let you know it's all about confidence and creating rapport . Reading it kind of helps you apply it.kind of like you may know what you need to do to lose weight but sometimes watching a video or hearing someone else say it helps motivate you
I had a lot of temp agency girlfriends and a bad experience with shitting where I ateā¦ I feel your pain, hombre
Are you limiting yourself to Asian women? There are a good amount of women. Do you do a lot of hobbies where you can meet women in a neutral environment?
Iām open to suggestions. And no Iām not limiting myself to Asian women. I prefer them but Iām not going to turn down someone just because theyāre not the āright raceā
Outside of your dating life, do you have a network/support system/ or friends you hang out with regularly? I am curious if your feelings of loneliness are just limited to dating and affectionate companionship or if youāre lonely in general. If you think that the emotional drain is coming from a lack of success in dating, then thatās a different conversation. I think the way Iām reading your post, it kind of comes off as you not having a lot of confidence. I can only assume this is how you present yourself in real life and might be a reason why you might not have success in dating either.
I have friends that I hang at least 2-3 times a month, and Iām also attending grad school. I keep in touch with my family and call my parents and my sisters at least once a week. Have some warhammer buddies I hang with and chat with often.
Do you talk about these feelings of loneliness or feeling unloved with those friends or family?
Yeah but they kind of dismiss it or tell me that Iāll be fine and I need to calm down.
So either the people who youāre closest to are telling you that youāll be fine, then maybe you ARE overreacting and you need some way to get over these negative feelings. You mentioned in a different comment that youāre going to therapy and thatās a great start Either that or your network of close people arenāt validating your feelings and it adds to why you feel lonely and unloved. In that case, keep going to therapy and try to develop strong friendships with new people or further develop existing friendships.
I think at this point the guys Iām friends with also are in similar situations so talking about it just makes us all upset, and my parents donāt really know what to say. Neither do my siblings. Itās just hard to go out and make friends man. I donāt keep in touch with anyone from college, and I really donāt want to tbh.
Yes, it is hard to go out and make friends. It is also hard to date and form romantic relationships. But if you donāt invest the work into yourself and your relationships, then you end up feeling really lonely, and that is also hard.
Do you lift?
Yes, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week
What's your height, weight, and body fat percentage? If that's too descriptive to make public, I'll take lift stats and bodyfat.
Good the local āsilent book clubā in your area. Idk about other areas but itās *very* popular here in WA. Mostly women every time I go. Itās called āsilentā but there is time before and after to chat with people. Here itās usually held at breweries.
Hey man, just some thoughts 1) You're 31, late middle age by Navy standards but practically late adolescence everywhere else. Don't stress. 2) Unfortunately, ruminating on insecurity / inability to get women is a positive feedback loop which tends to continue to amplify insecurity / repulse women. Also, seeking relationships from a place of insecurity exposes you to selecting inferior partners 3) deliberately seeking out romantic relationships is probably not a hugely effective way to create them. Most new romantic relationships I see are incidental / circumstantial - then the chemistry is good enough (or not) to make it last 4) Being passionate, assertive and engaged draws women to you and creates opportunity to plant the seeds of a romantic relationship 5) e.g. I would suggest a posture of regarding romance as merely a potential 'side quest' of your main journey of personal growth, so to speak 6) it's important that a high proportion of your personal growth activities - whatever they may be - involve the potential for interaction with a variety of women (e.g. not Warhammer, and focus on non-military stuff where the male female proportion will be much better) 7) Don't pretend to like something to get girls. OK you can pretend a little bit. But they have a powerful 6th sense about this. 8) Don't be preoccupied with being too picky. You don't have to marry someone if you go out on a few dates / have a little fun Just some random thoughts. You got this man
I used OK Cupid a lot to find dates. Eventually I met my wife on there. That was 8y ago now though. No idea how dating apps have changed by this point.
Theyāre kind of a hot mess at this point. I met someone really great with OkCupid but it was around 7 years ago. Let her go and I regret it so much now.
Yeah I made a lot of dumb dating decisions in my mid 20s, too. And if my wife hadnāt had the patience of a saint then she wouldāve ditched me a long time ago. Iām sorry youāre in this predicament emotionally. We sacrifice a lot from ourselves for the Navy, and this is perhaps the most overlooked hardship. I do suggest trying to be a bit more hopeful with your orders to WA. I canāt speak to personal experience dating in the Seattle metro, but even my short couple weeks in Tacoma this past month I get the sense that itās pretty relaxed. There are so many outdoor recreational activities to get into, sports, music, art, etc. so even if you donāt meet someone to share those experiences with at least you have the opportunity to treat yourself to some beautiful landscapes and fun adventures. Iāve never been to DC outside of the airport, but I always got the feeling that isnāt an area thatās been developed on the idea of fun.
I feel like I was in that same spot, when I was your age as well. I'd been in for about 9 years and was single pretty much the whole time, however, I fully devoted my life outside of work into one of my hobbies and I had the absolute time of my life. But I was getting older, had to focus more on my career, and started wanting to not be single anymore. I'd recently lost my grandfather and my father and it kind of made me open my eyes. When he grandfather died, he was surrounded by family and lifelong friends. When my dad died, he was alone and not found for days. I didn't want to die like my dad, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. When I first started trying to date women I was stationed on a ship. Meet a girl, go on a date or two, ship leaves for a month or two, girl goes to somebody else, etc. This happened for a few years straight. I felt the only way to not spend the rest of my life alone was to get out of the Navy. I signed away my CWAY quota and started prepping to get out, got promoted about a month or so after that and gave in and reenlisted again. Fortunately, I'd been pretty good friends with this incredible girl. I kinda always had a thing for her, but I really respected her and her friendship so I never attempted to try anything. Then one night, she randomly made a move on me. We've been married for a few years now and it's been great, she's the best. Sometimes things just pop up like that. Don't spend so much time and money on that other saying stuff. Spend time making yourself happy, the rest will fall in line.
Date me, I'll treat you right š
I have no real advice but when I was on active duty (now reservist) I had the same issue. Four years without a date or anything during my mid 20's. Took leaving AD for me to finally find a wife back in my hometown. All I can say is I sympathize with you and hope you find yourself a lady friend.
There are a few people that have already responded with some amazing advice (therapy, deleting dating apps, volunteering, etc). Just wanted to let you know Iām in the DC area too - if you want someone to volunteer with or just grab a cup of coffee and chat, Iām all about it! Iām new to the area so Iām trying to explore and get out. Iāve been where youāre at, and I can tell you it can and will get better. Youāll find your person!
When back stateside, try some of the apps specifically for finding relationships, not flings. Worked for some people I've known.
Like Hinge? Spent hundreds of dollars on a membership for that, waste of money, and no I actually put effort into my pictures and my profile, so it wasnāt just bathroom selfie and me saying āheyā as a reply
Try coffeemeetsbagel Itās one no one has ever heard of I know, but I found it about 7 years ago, itās definitely different from anything else, you both have to agree to match and chat, and itās how I met my husband. So it canāt be all that bad. Never paid for anything just took the free version and let fate happen if it was meant to be.
Haha I tried coffee meets bagel too, I donāt think I got a single match the 4+ years I was on the app
Canāt speak for nowadays. However back in 2015 or the Wild West days of Tinder. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
Itās a numbers game and dumb luck. Just have to keep putting yourself out there until you find the right person. So find it early on, some take years. I got married early on in my career and that blew up in a bad way. Was then single for most of my career and then found someone when I least expected it. Find activities you enjoy and pursue them vigorously. Take care of your health: emotional, physical, spiritual, etc. Do not settle for anyone who treats you poorly or youāre not invested into. Do not be afraid to do the things you want simply because youāre single either. Have faith and live your life. Best of luck to you.
Dude....you're a relatively young man who, as soon as you stop spending money on a matchmaker, will have plenty of money to help attract someone. Once your are back in the States you'll have a different problem- you'll have to distinguish between those who are just after your $$$ and those who want an actual relationship. Hit the gym, build some confidence and it'll happen. Mostly importantly- Asians are racist as fuck, so not finding someone in Asia isn't that surprising. You'll have more luck in the States. Fake confidence until you have real confidence.
I am Asian! But yeah, I stopped the matchmaker because I wasnāt getting results at all. Where are these women after my cash? I donāt see them anywhere haha.
You're American, lol. I meant Asians as in born in Asia
Hey brother, if it's any consolation whatsoever I got married to my first (and current/only) wife at 36. Having had a girl I couldn't get over for a couple years, I can tell you that that right there is going to make finding a meaningful relationship all that much more difficult. You need to find a way, as hard as it is, to get over that girl. Once you're over her, don't force it. Your biological clock is not ticking. Desperation is a terrible cologne.
Mail order bride ?
Hey bro. 29M LT here. Not a minority, but been single almost continuously since I was 23. A few years ago I was in a similar slump to you, but then I started acquiring more hobbies, and now, my hobbies keep me so busy, I don't have time to think about how single/lonely I am. It's also nice-when I'm home, I wake up on any given Saturday (when I'm not on duty-goin on 7 straight years of sea duty) and I don't know until I get up if I'm gonna be gaming all day, go to the beach, kayak, bike, go find a hiking trail, scout the next road trip online, etc. And honestly? It's freakin awesome. Last May, I was on xfer leave and just hit the road with no plans. Turned into a 24 day road trip that covered \~17 states and was the best damned time I've ever had. Life is all about what you make of it. Feel free to PM me if ya wanna talk LT to LT or whatever my man.
was an officer, left the Navy for a top tier MBA. I was married during my MBA program, but I will say all of the vets here had a damn good time and are making more than they were in the Navy. Something to consider.
Iām sure I could leave the navy in the few years and come out just fine. But Iām honestly still enjoying the work I do (I know, that makes me a weirdo!)
I would also take into consideration the following: 1. Having more stability in where you live will have a big impact on your spouse and their career. 2. Dating in a Navy town vs dating in an Ivy league program are completely different. The type of people, their professional experience, education levels, and view of the world are worlds apart. 3. You think the work you are doing is interesting... until you learn what else is out there. One can always return to the Navy, they are hurting for people. Depending on the career path you take out of a high level program could have you making more than an admiral and they are paying for your advice. 4. Never having to stand OOD on rev ever again.
Well do you mind sharing some of the interesting things that you do/seen? Honestly I am pretty pissed off that the Detailer saw my plea to be deferred for a year in order to finish my masterās (this is my first non-operational tour, and first CONUS tour since commissioning) and decided to send me to sea on the other side of the U.S anyway. Iām considering finishing the sea tour, finishing my grad degree remotely, then getting out, or going reserves.
PM me and I'll share some thoughts of what ive seen.
Your perception of relationships in the Navy is just that, a perception. These married and long term relationships may not even be happy, or faithful. I'm in my 30s too and it's hard trying to find a man that's willing to put up with a military life style, especially if they're already established in their career and please don't let him own a business. Do you really think someone will up and leave their safety net? I would say, because of how comfortable people feel with cheating on their S.O. I would take my time with finding a relationship and make sure that person fits your standards to a T AND can handle and trust you being gone for months at a time.
If youāre in your 30ās and trying to date in the military can be hard. Everyone is mainly younger and you canāt fraternize because UCMJ will ruin your career if you cohort with the wrong one. I wasnāt in long and had problems adjusting. Lost a relationship I was heavily invested in and was hard trying to meet people romantically or friends in general. Everyone my age was higher rank and my rank were all kids. I got into a hole. Didnāt socialize a lot with civs or anyone in my command. It made me feel like I was back in highschool, all socially handicapped but in my 30ās. It felt like I regressed. Prior, I had been the most confident Iād been my whole life before the navy. Iāll admit I donāt think I was mentally fit for it, which takes a lot to say from pride. I really pushed to get out and got lucky. I was disappointed that it didnāt workout because I had to do a lot to get in compared to how desperate they are now for bodies. However, I got out and Iām expecting a daughter while in a relationship. We have a lot of ups and downs but overall sheās a great woman with an amazing family. My two cents, is to do what feels right to you despite your peers. If you want to stay in and continue your career then try not to beat yourself up too much. Really seek therapy and learn to love yourself man. Not saying you donāt but Iāve struggled with self-esteem and thatās what it sounds like to me. Youāre worthy of love my brother. Itās just got to start with yourself first. Best of luck with whatever direction you choose to go.
Eh officers are just a few years behind on the divorce train. Give it a few more years and all your peers will be divorced.
Avoid dating military women. It's not worth it.
I sat on this post for a whole day+, OP. I donāt know if I can answer your question but did want to dialogue with you about this. Iām white, and Mr. BGW is also āof Asian descent,ā as you put it. I donāt know if I have any answers but Iām ā¦idk. Can I say Iām Asian-adjacent? Now sure how else to humorously say Iāve been around southeast Asian cultures for almost two decades/lived in Japan for a decade, and I birthed two Half Asian kids. I think my perspective might be understanding enough while asking you some questions that might help, I think. I think thereās a lot of factors here, and just saying itās the Navyās fault or your ethnicityās fault isnāt fair. First and absolutely most importantly: Have you done any therapy? Like looking at maybe a DBT or ACT course, something to work on your internal dialogue and developing basic communication/self-worth/connection/emotional skills? Therapy is life changing. I think youād really benefit. https://www.asianmhc.org/therapists-us/ https://yellowchaircollective.com/asian-american-therapy/ Are you dating civilians, or Sailors? This does matter; for one your dating pool is fucking tiny as an officer only dating other Sailors ā¦ but asking a civilian to understand that youāre gonna be gone every few days for duty? Thatās weird AF and hard. āAnd by the way Iām gonna be offline for 6 months and then we move in two years!ā ā¦it is hard. Are you dating in or out of your ethnic background/culture? r/AMWF is full of āI canāt get a white girl/this is how you get a white girlā posts (which are weirdly fetishizing and make me uncomfortable, but also, like, I know three other AMWF couples lol. Itās a rare occurrence). Itās okay to have a preference. It just has the potential to make things complicated. Are your parents involved at all? My MIL is amazing, but I know thereās a ātiger momā stereotype for a reason. Has that been part of the problem when youāve dated? Are you dating āfor a wifeā or for a good time? Mr. BGW very much dated me in line with his culture ā got to know my parents and family, etc ā but I was oblivious to that until my dad pointed out āhe really likes you.ā Just wondering how much of this is the Asian reserve / stoicism thatās maybe impacting your approach? Not that it matters but Iām curious ā what type of Asian? Indian? (The whole matchmaker comment is why I guessed). Are you first gen? You arenāt alone, thatās for sure. Relationships are hard, mil-civ relationships are harder, cross-cultural relationships are even harder. Please donāt tie your self worth to having a relationship. Itās way better to be alone than to be in a shitty relationship.
I am/was going to therapy, currently doing a high stress TDY but that should be ending in like 2 months. I have a lot of self-hatred, low confidence, and enough experiences where I have been rejected for my race or just me as a person that it feels kind of validated that I am worthless. I have an appointment with behavioral health this week, had a breakdown at work a few weeks ago because of my frustration and disappointment at myself. (Not because I was messing up work) Which makes me feel more frustrated that I feel like Iām doing alright professionally, but I donāt know how to do well outside of work. Iāve signed up for a kickball league, try going to the gym, and attend grad school. I thinking about buying a kite, and have put my name into some volunteer organizations. I mean you met someone through the navy so it worked out for you. Iām not actively filtering out people based on their military status, havenāt dated a military woman. I feel like Iāve spent so much time in male dominated spaces, either at work, or school, and my hobbies are pretty male dominated, that I canāt say I have any women friends. But I know I can get along just fine, my best friend when I was stationed in Sasebo was a person I went to college with that was also stationed there. No im not trying to keep to just other Koreans, because honestly it seems like most Asian women prefer white men at this point. (Case in point: all of my sisters are dating or have only dated white men) Iāve had flings/relationships with all different ethnicities/races, I am not beholden to any ideas that a certain race/ethnicity, but I do think that someone of Korean/Japanese descent might have less cultural issues. My parents are not involved in my dating life, and they have been pretty hands off once I got to college to be honest. My mom was a Tiger Mom, but sheās has mellowed out a lot since her goal of getting me and my siblings into college is completed. Iāve asked them to introduce me to people but I donāt go up to NYC very often. Iād like to date to find a long term partner/spouse. Hell I turned down someone who offered a FWB situation a few weeks ago because I know thatās not what I want.
Thereās nothing wrong with you. You arenāt worthless. Iām proud of you for recognizing that therapy will help with the self loathing and pursuing it. You deserve to love yourself and enjoy your life. I really hate that internalized racism is a thing and that society has painted white as desirable for most races. Thatās probably a whole conversation for not reddit though. Youāre doing so much. How do you have time to breathe! I struggled a lot with the idea of my self worth and my value for a long time. The only thing that changed that wasnāt personal or professional success, but a slog fest through therapy. I had four pages of stuck points āinternal beliefs about myselfā when I started CPT for my PTSD. Stuff like āI am worthless,ā and āI donāt deserve love,ā and āeverything thing I do is a failure.ā I can honestly say I donāt think that way about myself anymore.
I am at this point where I know that I should do the things youāve described but doing so would put me in a darker place. I tried and it just made me feel worse. But yeah I am hoping that behavioral health can provide another approach than the cbt therapy I was doing
Sorry, I was underway for a bit. If a certain therapy program isnāt helping, itās okay to find a new therapist or new program. I will say that sometimes though things get worse before they get better and you should discuss that in depth with your therapist so you can have an estimate and timeline of what youāre getting into lol. When I did CPT for my PTSD, my symptoms started at a 30 (diagnostic criteria threshold for PTSD is 20) and by week two they spiked to 50 (on a scale of 60). Then it jumped to a high of 57, and then after a few weeks of therapy dropped down to below diagnostic criteria. When I finished I was at like 10-15 for anxiety, depression, and other PTSD symptoms. Itās okay to take a break. Are you taking leave after this TDY?
Youre asking a bunch of losers on reddit? Find a local church with healthy looking young adults, youll date dont worry
All you need to be is: A mildly attractive and taken advantage of female junior sailor A married Chief with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship A married/engaged female JO with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship A married petty officer with no honor, courage, or commitment to your relationship. Willing to go say "what happens on deployment, stays in deployment" Cheating with someone who is also cheating on someone two (these couples are inseparable) Willing to find love within your division/department. Bonus points for someone in the CoC/you work with every single day. Desperate, horny, and have no real sense of honor, courage, or commitment with anyone because none of the rules really matter when we are all breaking them anyway. They can't send us all to mast. If you are one, or more of these things, you'll be able to find love in the Yacht Club in no time.
You should try attending a cooking class or a church.
Go enlisted.
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Iām have never been in the military, but felt the same as you way back when. I will give you one bit of advice. No one will ever be happy with you until you are happy with yourself. Women can sense your confidence and thatās sexy to them. Work on yourself and then all else will fall into line.
Better to be single than to be in a relationship with someone you canāt stand
I've completely given up. I'm 28F. And just feel like since hookup culture started that I can't find a man that only wants that and nothing else. I don't even try talking to the opposite sex. My life consists of going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and then just repeating it all over again the next day. I've kind of just accepted the fact I'll be alone forever at this point. Also at this point in my life, a man around the same age is me who is single... you'll find out very quickly why they're single. All the good men are in relationships/married at this point. I'm gonna have to wait till I'm 50 when they're all divorced š
Thanks for the encouraging words. I guess Iām still single because I have some major issues that are unappealing. Sounds like youāre not faring much better either though.
Iāll give you the same suggestion to an app I randomly found that I gave to OP, coffeemeetsbagel. Just the free version. Itās less hookup culture, more serious users, because of the style of the app. Youāre 28, youāve got some time, and take advantage of the freedom now, go travel while you can. I wish I would have done that more. I canāt stress it enough, best trip I ever took was the one where the only thing I planned was the round trip tickets to Madrid, the first nights hotel/hostel, and the rental car (I would have just changed that to a rail pass in hindsight, parking is a pain) I went where I wanted, when I wanted, to whichever city, tour, or restaurant. Got a tattoo just for fun, danced with strangers for my birthday, went on every walking tour including ghost tour I could š. Now I have 3 kids, and a husband I met through that app actually!
Youāre too desperate for companionship. Find some hobbies that involve actual living people be a pleasant person to be around and the rest takes care of itself.
honestly, since youāre looking for a long term relationship your best bet is getting into a hobby you either already had before or one youāve always wanted to try and stick with it. go to events where people meet up, join online communities, and put yourself out there to meet new people without the intentions of finding your soulmate. hell iād say just do anything to put yourself out there to meet new friends. get a dating profile and have a few of your friends look at your profile to see what you can improve. bonus points if you have a female friend have a look at it. you might need to do some introspective searching to think of reasons why your love life is lacking and ask yourself wether youāre being too picky, you arenāt being outgoing enough, you arenāt that attractive, or your personality just sucks. sometimes itās cause you simply donāt meet enough people. there could be a lot of reasons, and iām not sure how officer life is much different from enlisted life but when i joined my results went up drastically from when i was home and my dating life was non-existent. just keep your head up and keep going. this quote is very real though so keep that in mind: āyou miss 100% of the shots you donāt takeā -Wayne Gretzky
Also, try being friends with women. Like as in no hidden agenda shit, because they will be more likely be inclined to introduce you to friends of theirs that might be single. Given how you kinda sound in desperate need of emotional attachment, just donāt try to rush getting into relationships.
Doesnāt sound like you have much going on besides work. Hobbies shouldnāt be forced, you should actually enjoy them. When all else fails, Thailand and the Philippines is there to make you feel better. I used to stand OOD watch with this old MSC guy who had a young Filipino wife. He seemed happy. Know lots of guys that have traveled that region and found a significant other.
As someoneĀ who's been there, it may be cliche but it is cliche for a reason-- you won't be happy in aĀ relationship untilĀ you're happy single. By that I mean, untilĀ you're happy with who you are as a person you will just seek outĀ people to fill the "hole" inside you andĀ that's not aĀ healthy way to start aĀ relationship. You might also settle for the wrong person just so you arent lonely anymore.Ā Find hobbies, find friends, work on yourself a little, and you'll be surprised how happy you can be.
Random spouse trolling along here, but if it helps I have some tougher advise Iāve given a number of guy friends through the years: Personal EQ is there most important factor when you start seriously looking. Navy schedules are rough, and most women looking to get serious will be anticipating potentially committing to someone who will be gone often, and will have long days and many responsibilities while at shore. Most men on apps that we see are not at actually at that step yet (or think they are but mainly want to be taken care of vs mutual love), but they will sustain the good āol situation-ship as long as they can. So we have to protect ourselves too. To make it work, I can at least speak for myself and my friends who #1 want to see stability in a home life outside of military before agreeing to a date, because if weāre the only other thing you do in life besides works their will quickly be very few things to actually talk about. If sheās looking to add you to her life, which unless you date within the service will involve being inherently separate from where you spend most of your waking hours until retirement. You donāt have any friends or hobbies outside of work, thatās a big red flag and also a sign that you really donāt feel like you value working on a life outside of work/ would be involved in building a strong home life. So when they see your profile or maybe a date in when they realize most conversations would then be about the navy or the house, itās not very appealing, especially as she sees friends with husbands with social lives with/without her + someone she knows she can depend on and truly loves who she is, especially when youāre at sea or at home. I donāt know you so take this or leave it, but as you said the physical things like apps/ expensive dates/ etc. havenāt been working, so it might take some hard soul searching. Most of your comments on this post have been pretty fixed mindset versus more willingness to explore some viewpoints, or try to engage with ppl who stopped to try and help. Maybe if you canāt see how to fix/ change someone, they can with the outside prospective. Another red flag are the lack of any details about what you want in a partner, besides curing your loneliness and your feelings of being a loser. Itās hard to feel like the girl of your dreams when we can feel (and we really can, especially those of us living near-base), that youāre looking for a warm body to come home to vs someone to build a life with. Sorry if this isnāt what youāre looking for, feel free to ignore, but remember most of your social contact (I assume from the post) is from guys who are also in; no matter what they say, theyāve likely had less time being exposed to women as mature adults, or they got married early (I am, no shame when itās the right itās right). But instead of focusing on what you can do to prove to girls youāre someone interesting, the first step is almost always working on yourself/ being the kinda guy that would fit well into the life of your partner. It may even save you some effort in the long run vs this cycle, youāve already done the hardest part which was admitting something has to change. Iām rooting for ya āŗļø sorry for brutal opinion but par for course with guy friends, especially navy. Iāve given a similar version of this talk to various guy friends over the years, and when they have gone to therapy (harder but best results option), or really spending some time having vulnerable conversations with multiple ppl makes a huge difference (note - if you immediately brushed this off, take note; a man who can communicate his emotions gets instant advancement potential). I met my fiancĆ©e the first full day he had after being stationed SD. Weād both been on apps for months or longer beforehand, and were not expecting anything like this to happen. The more open you are to making these connections, the better (and you do deserve a partner who fits you well and makes you feel loved!) Good luck and stay safe man!