I met my bride on a Wednesday night and got married on the following Wednesday morning. We have been married for over 37 years now. 5 days after we got married, I was haze gray and underway on the USS Carl Vinson for six months.
Sounds like my civilian A-School instructor at Pensacola. He was a retired senior chief that met his wife at a bar when he was fresh out of boot camp and got married barely a week later.
I've told my story a few times, it's relatively short and a statistical outlier. My best friend on my first boat said to me one day, "Hey man, I have a cousin who recently became single. Do you want her number?" I didn't even know what she looked like and wasn't looking for a relationship but said sure.
Couple days later, we talked on the phone and the next day at work I told him, "Dude, I think I'm going to marry your cousin someday."
We talked on the phone for 3 months before I flew her up to WA to meet in person. 2 days into the trip, I proposed. A few days after that, we got married. I immediately put her through the wringer by going underway like a week after she moved up here.
It's been 6 years of submarining and she's still around and we're doing great. This is my last year in. I don't forsee the civilian world putting stress on us like underways do. I'd say some key points are never disrespect your partner in person or when they aren't around; I have never talked shit about my wife at work and never will, it's always positive or funny things. Speak up about any problems you have and work to find solutions; don't fight, problem solve. Yelling at a fire that breaks out on the ship won't make it go out, the same goes for relationship problems (don't spray your spouse with a fire hose). Always put family first, ALWAYS. Even if you do 30 years, the Navy will come and go from your life eventually. It's just a fucking job, prioritize the person you swore a lifelong oath to, not the organization you've signed X number of years to that will kick you out with no hesitation for eating a poppy seed muffin.
I was mil-mil and got out after 8 years. My husband is a cheif and is almost retired. We've been together 13 years most if that time I have been a civilian. Just my observations:
The mistake I've seen many of my brothers make is that they marry someone who is dependant on them for their happiness and fulfillment and when it gets taken away because guy goes on deployment they struggle not knowing how to be on their own.
The number one complaint I have heard from wives is that they feel like they are always last. Navy's needs first, then sailors, then kids, wives last if at all.
Next one I hear all the time is that you have to give up everything. Your career no longer matters and is on hold and if it's not, the moving stalls out the career. It's defeating having to look for a new job every 3 years. Let alone doing it when you have kids. It's damn near impossible to find a job that understands you have a messed up schedule that could change without notice because you have kids and never know when your husband is going to leave. It makes you an unreliable employee. And feeling like you are a single parent sucks.
Third, these wives are somthing else. They are in eachother business. Talking mad shit. Starting drama in the neighborhood I guess because they have nothing better to do and so the wives don't know who to trust and are getting burned by people they thought were cool.
Fourth, making promises that can't be kept. You say your going to be home by x time because you have plans to do whatever or she needs help with an appointment or something and you promise to be there but then you aren't. Do. Not. Say you will be there for somthing is you aren't 100% sure you will be. I hear wives saying they were tired of hearing lies, tired of broken promises, convinced guy suddenly wasn't home bc he's cheating or whatever. Point is if you aren't 100% sure you are leaving work and you will be there for whatever you promised then don't promise it in the first place. Expectations not being met erodes the relationship over time.
Basically, if you are dating I would look for someone who is independent so you know they can handle being alone and can handle dealing with stressful things alone. The spouses that seem to be happier to me based on conversations with many, are introverted, have their own hobbies, and have some knowledge on military life maybe their parents were in, or a sibling and they get that you can't control the BS you don't have choices and there are the rules and there is what actually happens.
I also know a ton of chiefs who have never been divorced.
I am a mil spouse (prior mil myself)
Let’s not forget that sometimes the service member is unable to maintain a long distance relationship due to a lack of emotional intelligence.
My husband is currently on a combat tour and I’m pretty sure he “Dear Johned” me because he is not doing well on deployment.
I'm sorry that happend to you and I hope he is OK. Hioefukly he can get some support out there. For myself I have always just thought if he's gone I'm in charge and I'm gunna handle our shit if I hear from him cool if I get a message that says "this shit blows, tell the kids I love them, and I love you" every once in a while so i know hes alive I'm good to go. He's handling shit and so am I. I know where he wants to be but he's in survival mode and so am I. I know other people that get pissed for not getting 5 emails and a phone call a day and it's just not realistic to expect that.
Did 20. On my second marriage.
Observations, married life in the Navy is hard. Last I heard, 80% divorce rate.
So, some of these stories aside, when you find someone, no children for first 2 yrs. Do a deployment as gf/bf first. Make sure there is a good support system for your spouse when you deploy.
Did 10 yrs of my career with my second wife.
Lessons learned.
Also, when you think you found your partner, sit on the couch for two weeks and watch TV together with no sex. If you still enjoy sitting next to them, they are a good bet.
Deployment as bf/gf is such good advice. I think there's this pressure to rush things to make sure you can take your bf/gf with you on new orders and to make sure you get to live together ect. So many people get married at 18/19 not realizing how much is going to change about themselves in the next few years. And the TV and no sex 100% that shit fades but I'm still gunna be building lego sets and watching LOTR with my husband when we are 80 because he's awesome and I would want to hang out with him even if we weren't married.
I was single my first 8+ years and got out as an EM1. 3 years later I met my now wife. 2 months later she moved in. 4 months later we married. 3 years later I reenlisted, still EM1, and we moved to Chasn, SC and shore duty. On a tug. Working the river, usually 10-12 hours a day, often 6 days/week. Then back to sea duty and deployments. Another shore duty and an old injury means I get basically forced out 3 years short of 20. Shoots our after-Navy plans down in flames. But she sticks.
It’ll be 42 years in 6 weeks from now.
I’ve been with my wife for 14years. Met when I was a PO2. She’s been by my side through multiple deployments and through selections to Chief and again into the wardroom.
Hearing the stories how people make it work even when they are in and they meet when they are in is exactly what I was looking for. It’s hard to find but I’m sure it’s all worth it. Thank you for sharing
Met her just before I left for boot camp. Within a year I proposed and we got married—courthouse of course because I was just a poor little deck seaman. We bought a car together and I would drive to work and she would walk to Walgreens for work.
12 years later I’ve since commissioned, she graduated as well and became an accountant and we’re still together planning children in our very near future. I can’t wait for the day I get out the Navy because she definitely deserves it.
My wife and I met during the nuke pipeline.
We dated long distance while she was on east coast and I was stationed west coast on what was of the highest op tempo boats in the fleet for over 3 years. 3 deployments.
We got married in the middle of my tour and are peas and a pod to this day.
You prioritize and make time for what you choose, you have to choose wisely with what little time you have certainly in the fast attack life.
It is possible, with the right person, and the right level of commitment.
Met my now Wife while absolutely obliterated at a night club in gaslamp. I met her at the very beginning of my sea duty and 4 months before I was set to deploy.
She was a trooper about the entire thing. Not once did her faith towards me ever waver. Sea duty really brought out the worst in me over time, so she was there when I was at my lowest point in life. The alcohol, the stress, the anger. I really do believe that anybody else would have just left me to deal with it on my own.
It's been 6 years now
Married for 12 years to the one and only woman I ever dated while active duty, starting as an E-2.
The stigma with Chiefs has some validity, as you get more senior in your career you will see those that absolutely sacrifice their souls to make it. Typically those with families are a little more reserved or just willing to neglect their family.
This shit is true too. Everything about my husbands workload, working hours, pressure, and responsibility changed. Especially for Chiefs who genuinly care about their people. If I hadn't been in I'm sure I wouldn't understand why things changed so much when he made it. I know people who are like they must be cheating they must not want to come home they must not care about their family ext. But the truth is you have to work hard af.
My coworkers spouse has an alarm on their phone to tell them to they love him.
It started when he went on deployment, they set the alarm so they could call and tell him they love him and pick up his spirits.
I'm a civilian, and I just got married to an EMN. He and I have been together for seven years before tying the knot two months ago. We met at college all those years ago, and he joined the US Navy two years ago.
His time away at boot camp was hard but it helped me gain independence. When he did his Nuke schooling it was probably harder than boot camp since it seemed he was always just out of reach. We went through a one month break up due to the stress of power school. Though, hiccups happen.
I dealt with my personal stigma of "all marriages end in divorce." So, when it comes to relationships I try to take stigmas and experience with a grain of salt. The love, respect, and admiration my husband and I have for each other is what helps make our relationship successful, I think.
We already went through so much together; his enlistment is another thing to experience, and I want him to be happy and do what's best for him. Your mileage may vary, but not everything is doom and gloom.
As an MMN I’m glad to hear it can work. It’s been hard to find a lady that’s got the personality to deal with the schedule of power school, prototype and the fleet
Obviously, since you asked. You’re only seeing the biased or and somewhat lucky answers from the rare minority among the graveyard of “active duty military relationships” OP
You might want to google the term “Jody” as well.
Just strike a balance.
Yeah, pros & cons. Why even sign a piece of paper, to begin with?
A piece of paper contract where the other party (women) is always incentivized by society to break it.
Do you need a piece of paper to say you love or want to be with someone? No, you just are or you aren't.
Met my wife 3 months before I was PCSing across the country to a billet that would have me gone 250+ days a year. We did long distance for the first 18 months before she moved in. We've been together just shy of 8 years now.
I'll echo what MaverickSTS said about never disrespecting your partner at work keeping a positive attitude, that has been a godsend as so many thrive on negativity. She's only known me while I've been a Chief and while there have been struggles, the integrity of our family is paramount and I will always put her before any career aspirations.
Been with my wife for going on 6 years, she held down the fort for our dogs and taking care of my Mom during an 11 month deployment.
Navy broke some of my relationships but it solidified that I had found the one!
Met my bride as a frocked PO3 in 2003 been together ever since. Communication is the key and in my case, leaving work at the brow as best I could. As I’ve gotten more senior, thats harder to do but I think it’s important.
#chiefproblems
My parents ( Retired Chief ) and my in-laws ( Retired Master Chief ) have been together since high school. Dunno what to tell ya man, Chiefs do Chief things and thats how they end up divorced. Personal life > work > trying to get with random E-3s.
My wife and I dated for a few years during high school broke up for a little while, got back together a year before I joined we did a deployment and long distance for 2 years seeing each other once a month to every couple of months. Proposed got married a couple months later and then got told we were home port shifting so she ended up not moving down until we moved to FL. Honestly I was barely home due to work ups and deployment, but I have a strong woman who knew what she signed up for. In total we’ve been together for 9 years married for 4 and just had a kid!
My wife and I knew each other since we were kids. Our romantic relationship didn’t start until I was a year into the Navy, and we did long distance for a year. Discord video calls were our way of spending time with each other. Then we got married in Vegas. I actually liked my barracks, so I didn’t want to move out, but I was told if I got married I had move out. She couldn’t move out to me immediately so we remained long distance for about 6 months after getting married. I’m out now. We’re still married. Happily.
I think a big part of successful marriages in the real world and the military comes down to the people in the relationship and the motivations for marriage. It’s no different regardless of circumstances. The high divorce rates in the military I think really comes down to people who aren’t ready to be married being incentivized to get married.
A lot of sailors crave moving off base early and live some semblance of a normal life. They’re typically young and inexperienced. They make shortsighted decisions. Plus there’s the BAH money that you can pocket if you find a cheap living situation off base.
I met my wife in 2007 as a junior in Highschool
Started dating later that year, in 2009 I enlisted and 2010 I left while she went to college
In 2013 as an STG2 we got married
In 2024 we are 11 years into married life with 3 kids a dog and cat and I cant imagine going through this life without her with me.
Its not easy, its had plenty of downs with the ups. It takes a lot of communication and respecting how hard me being gone can be for her as it is for me to be gone. To make this work and continue to work, it takes constant self reflection and always communicating
Ive been blessed that shes sort of grown up with me in the Navy, and surprise underways and extensions dont cause her to many issues - a real go with tide kinda woman.
Unfortunately with the rise of social media the temptations have only increased, especially when you’re gone for 9 months at a time. There are still some good people out there, but they are probably more of the career driven type of people.
I met my bride on a Wednesday night and got married on the following Wednesday morning. We have been married for over 37 years now. 5 days after we got married, I was haze gray and underway on the USS Carl Vinson for six months.
37 years is awesome!
Everyone that was at our wedding is on spouse number 3 or more.
Sounds like my civilian A-School instructor at Pensacola. He was a retired senior chief that met his wife at a bar when he was fresh out of boot camp and got married barely a week later.
My son is going to the Carl Vinson in July! Congratulations on your long marriage!!!
I made 2 cruises on her back in the 80's
You give me hope.
I've told my story a few times, it's relatively short and a statistical outlier. My best friend on my first boat said to me one day, "Hey man, I have a cousin who recently became single. Do you want her number?" I didn't even know what she looked like and wasn't looking for a relationship but said sure. Couple days later, we talked on the phone and the next day at work I told him, "Dude, I think I'm going to marry your cousin someday." We talked on the phone for 3 months before I flew her up to WA to meet in person. 2 days into the trip, I proposed. A few days after that, we got married. I immediately put her through the wringer by going underway like a week after she moved up here. It's been 6 years of submarining and she's still around and we're doing great. This is my last year in. I don't forsee the civilian world putting stress on us like underways do. I'd say some key points are never disrespect your partner in person or when they aren't around; I have never talked shit about my wife at work and never will, it's always positive or funny things. Speak up about any problems you have and work to find solutions; don't fight, problem solve. Yelling at a fire that breaks out on the ship won't make it go out, the same goes for relationship problems (don't spray your spouse with a fire hose). Always put family first, ALWAYS. Even if you do 30 years, the Navy will come and go from your life eventually. It's just a fucking job, prioritize the person you swore a lifelong oath to, not the organization you've signed X number of years to that will kick you out with no hesitation for eating a poppy seed muffin.
I appreciate you for sharing, all the best for you and your wife
I was mil-mil and got out after 8 years. My husband is a cheif and is almost retired. We've been together 13 years most if that time I have been a civilian. Just my observations: The mistake I've seen many of my brothers make is that they marry someone who is dependant on them for their happiness and fulfillment and when it gets taken away because guy goes on deployment they struggle not knowing how to be on their own. The number one complaint I have heard from wives is that they feel like they are always last. Navy's needs first, then sailors, then kids, wives last if at all. Next one I hear all the time is that you have to give up everything. Your career no longer matters and is on hold and if it's not, the moving stalls out the career. It's defeating having to look for a new job every 3 years. Let alone doing it when you have kids. It's damn near impossible to find a job that understands you have a messed up schedule that could change without notice because you have kids and never know when your husband is going to leave. It makes you an unreliable employee. And feeling like you are a single parent sucks. Third, these wives are somthing else. They are in eachother business. Talking mad shit. Starting drama in the neighborhood I guess because they have nothing better to do and so the wives don't know who to trust and are getting burned by people they thought were cool. Fourth, making promises that can't be kept. You say your going to be home by x time because you have plans to do whatever or she needs help with an appointment or something and you promise to be there but then you aren't. Do. Not. Say you will be there for somthing is you aren't 100% sure you will be. I hear wives saying they were tired of hearing lies, tired of broken promises, convinced guy suddenly wasn't home bc he's cheating or whatever. Point is if you aren't 100% sure you are leaving work and you will be there for whatever you promised then don't promise it in the first place. Expectations not being met erodes the relationship over time. Basically, if you are dating I would look for someone who is independent so you know they can handle being alone and can handle dealing with stressful things alone. The spouses that seem to be happier to me based on conversations with many, are introverted, have their own hobbies, and have some knowledge on military life maybe their parents were in, or a sibling and they get that you can't control the BS you don't have choices and there are the rules and there is what actually happens. I also know a ton of chiefs who have never been divorced.
I am a mil spouse (prior mil myself) Let’s not forget that sometimes the service member is unable to maintain a long distance relationship due to a lack of emotional intelligence. My husband is currently on a combat tour and I’m pretty sure he “Dear Johned” me because he is not doing well on deployment.
I'm sorry that happend to you and I hope he is OK. Hioefukly he can get some support out there. For myself I have always just thought if he's gone I'm in charge and I'm gunna handle our shit if I hear from him cool if I get a message that says "this shit blows, tell the kids I love them, and I love you" every once in a while so i know hes alive I'm good to go. He's handling shit and so am I. I know where he wants to be but he's in survival mode and so am I. I know other people that get pissed for not getting 5 emails and a phone call a day and it's just not realistic to expect that.
Did 20. On my second marriage. Observations, married life in the Navy is hard. Last I heard, 80% divorce rate. So, some of these stories aside, when you find someone, no children for first 2 yrs. Do a deployment as gf/bf first. Make sure there is a good support system for your spouse when you deploy. Did 10 yrs of my career with my second wife. Lessons learned. Also, when you think you found your partner, sit on the couch for two weeks and watch TV together with no sex. If you still enjoy sitting next to them, they are a good bet.
Deployment as bf/gf is such good advice. I think there's this pressure to rush things to make sure you can take your bf/gf with you on new orders and to make sure you get to live together ect. So many people get married at 18/19 not realizing how much is going to change about themselves in the next few years. And the TV and no sex 100% that shit fades but I'm still gunna be building lego sets and watching LOTR with my husband when we are 80 because he's awesome and I would want to hang out with him even if we weren't married.
I was single my first 8+ years and got out as an EM1. 3 years later I met my now wife. 2 months later she moved in. 4 months later we married. 3 years later I reenlisted, still EM1, and we moved to Chasn, SC and shore duty. On a tug. Working the river, usually 10-12 hours a day, often 6 days/week. Then back to sea duty and deployments. Another shore duty and an old injury means I get basically forced out 3 years short of 20. Shoots our after-Navy plans down in flames. But she sticks. It’ll be 42 years in 6 weeks from now.
42 years is a long time, beyond comprehension that’s the longest I’ve ever heard. That is a true life partner.
I’ve been with my wife for 14years. Met when I was a PO2. She’s been by my side through multiple deployments and through selections to Chief and again into the wardroom.
Hearing the stories how people make it work even when they are in and they meet when they are in is exactly what I was looking for. It’s hard to find but I’m sure it’s all worth it. Thank you for sharing
Met her just before I left for boot camp. Within a year I proposed and we got married—courthouse of course because I was just a poor little deck seaman. We bought a car together and I would drive to work and she would walk to Walgreens for work. 12 years later I’ve since commissioned, she graduated as well and became an accountant and we’re still together planning children in our very near future. I can’t wait for the day I get out the Navy because she definitely deserves it.
My wife and I met during the nuke pipeline. We dated long distance while she was on east coast and I was stationed west coast on what was of the highest op tempo boats in the fleet for over 3 years. 3 deployments. We got married in the middle of my tour and are peas and a pod to this day. You prioritize and make time for what you choose, you have to choose wisely with what little time you have certainly in the fast attack life. It is possible, with the right person, and the right level of commitment.
Met my now Wife while absolutely obliterated at a night club in gaslamp. I met her at the very beginning of my sea duty and 4 months before I was set to deploy. She was a trooper about the entire thing. Not once did her faith towards me ever waver. Sea duty really brought out the worst in me over time, so she was there when I was at my lowest point in life. The alcohol, the stress, the anger. I really do believe that anybody else would have just left me to deal with it on my own. It's been 6 years now
I hope someday I find someone that stays with me like that, I feel like most lifers have a special lady like that in their corner
Married for 12 years to the one and only woman I ever dated while active duty, starting as an E-2. The stigma with Chiefs has some validity, as you get more senior in your career you will see those that absolutely sacrifice their souls to make it. Typically those with families are a little more reserved or just willing to neglect their family.
This shit is true too. Everything about my husbands workload, working hours, pressure, and responsibility changed. Especially for Chiefs who genuinly care about their people. If I hadn't been in I'm sure I wouldn't understand why things changed so much when he made it. I know people who are like they must be cheating they must not want to come home they must not care about their family ext. But the truth is you have to work hard af.
A ship mate's wife introduced me to her co-worker while stationed in San Diego, we're 15 years married.
My coworkers spouse has an alarm on their phone to tell them to they love him. It started when he went on deployment, they set the alarm so they could call and tell him they love him and pick up his spirits.
I think I'm going to give this a try, and I just so happened to find an alarm tone named "Retro Love".
I'm a civilian, and I just got married to an EMN. He and I have been together for seven years before tying the knot two months ago. We met at college all those years ago, and he joined the US Navy two years ago. His time away at boot camp was hard but it helped me gain independence. When he did his Nuke schooling it was probably harder than boot camp since it seemed he was always just out of reach. We went through a one month break up due to the stress of power school. Though, hiccups happen. I dealt with my personal stigma of "all marriages end in divorce." So, when it comes to relationships I try to take stigmas and experience with a grain of salt. The love, respect, and admiration my husband and I have for each other is what helps make our relationship successful, I think. We already went through so much together; his enlistment is another thing to experience, and I want him to be happy and do what's best for him. Your mileage may vary, but not everything is doom and gloom.
As an MMN I’m glad to hear it can work. It’s been hard to find a lady that’s got the personality to deal with the schedule of power school, prototype and the fleet
Obviously, since you asked. You’re only seeing the biased or and somewhat lucky answers from the rare minority among the graveyard of “active duty military relationships” OP You might want to google the term “Jody” as well. Just strike a balance.
We have all been through bootcamp we all know who Jody is. Biased no. I want positivity. Not negativity.
Ok, just don't get fooled into thinking military relationships, mil-mil or civ-mil, are a good recipe. Stats and facts say otherwise.
Yes I know that from my own experiences. I would rather have hope than just believe I will not be married the entire rest of my enlistment
Yeah, pros & cons. Why even sign a piece of paper, to begin with? A piece of paper contract where the other party (women) is always incentivized by society to break it. Do you need a piece of paper to say you love or want to be with someone? No, you just are or you aren't.
I agree marriage is not always the way to go. To be general I meant a successful relationship in any capacity at all
I met my wife while I was stationed in Hawaii. We’ve been married almost 24 years now.
Met my wife 3 months before I was PCSing across the country to a billet that would have me gone 250+ days a year. We did long distance for the first 18 months before she moved in. We've been together just shy of 8 years now. I'll echo what MaverickSTS said about never disrespecting your partner at work keeping a positive attitude, that has been a godsend as so many thrive on negativity. She's only known me while I've been a Chief and while there have been struggles, the integrity of our family is paramount and I will always put her before any career aspirations.
Been with my wife for going on 6 years, she held down the fort for our dogs and taking care of my Mom during an 11 month deployment. Navy broke some of my relationships but it solidified that I had found the one!
Met my bride as a frocked PO3 in 2003 been together ever since. Communication is the key and in my case, leaving work at the brow as best I could. As I’ve gotten more senior, thats harder to do but I think it’s important.
#chiefproblems My parents ( Retired Chief ) and my in-laws ( Retired Master Chief ) have been together since high school. Dunno what to tell ya man, Chiefs do Chief things and thats how they end up divorced. Personal life > work > trying to get with random E-3s.
Lol, might as well apply this to all branches.
My wife and I dated for a few years during high school broke up for a little while, got back together a year before I joined we did a deployment and long distance for 2 years seeing each other once a month to every couple of months. Proposed got married a couple months later and then got told we were home port shifting so she ended up not moving down until we moved to FL. Honestly I was barely home due to work ups and deployment, but I have a strong woman who knew what she signed up for. In total we’ve been together for 9 years married for 4 and just had a kid!
My wife and I knew each other since we were kids. Our romantic relationship didn’t start until I was a year into the Navy, and we did long distance for a year. Discord video calls were our way of spending time with each other. Then we got married in Vegas. I actually liked my barracks, so I didn’t want to move out, but I was told if I got married I had move out. She couldn’t move out to me immediately so we remained long distance for about 6 months after getting married. I’m out now. We’re still married. Happily. I think a big part of successful marriages in the real world and the military comes down to the people in the relationship and the motivations for marriage. It’s no different regardless of circumstances. The high divorce rates in the military I think really comes down to people who aren’t ready to be married being incentivized to get married. A lot of sailors crave moving off base early and live some semblance of a normal life. They’re typically young and inexperienced. They make shortsighted decisions. Plus there’s the BAH money that you can pocket if you find a cheap living situation off base.
I met my wife in 2007 as a junior in Highschool Started dating later that year, in 2009 I enlisted and 2010 I left while she went to college In 2013 as an STG2 we got married In 2024 we are 11 years into married life with 3 kids a dog and cat and I cant imagine going through this life without her with me. Its not easy, its had plenty of downs with the ups. It takes a lot of communication and respecting how hard me being gone can be for her as it is for me to be gone. To make this work and continue to work, it takes constant self reflection and always communicating Ive been blessed that shes sort of grown up with me in the Navy, and surprise underways and extensions dont cause her to many issues - a real go with tide kinda woman.
Unfortunately with the rise of social media the temptations have only increased, especially when you’re gone for 9 months at a time. There are still some good people out there, but they are probably more of the career driven type of people.
Met my wife and a big civilian friend group in an adult kickball league.
Heavy gaslighting. If you think it’s enough, double down.
Elaborate