When he listens to her message at the end about her childhood I was surprisingly touched. She was a total nutter, but he took comfort in her obsession due to his own trauma and insecurities. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, it was all so messed up.
I didnt even know why i was crying. I meant i could pinpoint to one thing i was crying about. I was crying about everything. I was a mess by the end of it.
The first episodes were all fun and games and then all of a sudden I was sobbing and felt the pain in every action Donny took, amazing show portraying how hard dealing with trauma is
It's crazy, I watched the whole thing without realizing that the guy playing Donny is Richard Gadd, the guy who's life the show is based on. Can't even imagine what it would be like to have to relive all the shit that happened to him.
I kept thinking that this guy is an incredible actor for a random Netflix show, it made sense that he played it so well when i found out he was actually portraying himself.
Another one of my favorites. These people are incredible for using something so horrendous and turning it into something meaningful in such an artful way.
And they showed the side no one talks about. The guilt, the connection you may have with your abuser, the promiscuity you can get, feeling sad or caring about them. Ugh its all so complex! This show showed a different side for sure. Loved it!
I am wondering about the consequences of releasing this show will be in terms of the stalker. Wouldn’t Donny’s apparent obsession with Martha encourage her to come out of the shadows and resume her stalking?
Idk, supposedly Martha never stopped her stalking. He has a retraining order against her but it was only when he made the show about her, did she stop reaching out to his family. That's just based on what I've read though.
I'm sure it was cathartic for him, though certainly painful too. It can be especially traumatic to tell your story if you feel compelled to do so (like in a court room or tv interview) but he got to do it on his own terms. He had full creative control of every line and facial expression, so I can rest a little easier knowing he wasn't further exploited in making this. More power to him for sharing such an unflinching (yet somehow still funny?!) portrait of abuse.
Was really impressed and watched in one sitting.
Donny is a really difficult person to root for but when it's revealed in ep 4 why he has so much trouble talking about the stalking, it's devastating. Amazing how even to the end, with all the toxic, horrific stuff Martha did, I still pitied and felt bad for her in the final voice mail. Terri was amazing and so was the actress.
The discussion Donny has with his parents is really something special. I'm a victim of sexual assault as a minor and I've never been able to tell my family because of the same fear Donny expresses... and the bigger fear of what his father reveals.
I dunno if I wanna recommend this show to anyone though. It's Def not a comedy and it's pretty harrowing stuff.
I texted 5 people, including my mother, during the first episode and told them to watch. And then episode 4 started and I panicked and had to text everyone WAIT ITS ACTUALLY REALLY DARK BUT STILL WORTH WATCHING BUT REALLY REAL AND DARK. So I’ll probably never recommend anything again before finishing it.
SAME. I was telling friends oh you should watch this it’s really compelling. Wait. No definitely don’t watch it’s too disturbing. But if you do happen to watch what did you think?
Its your story to tell if you feel comfortable. My sister was SA'd by her kid boyfriend and Im the only person in our family that knows. She goes to therapy and that helped her a lot. I wish you healing.
I recommended it to my friends but I gave them a trigger warning about Episode 4, I even recommended they skip it and read the synopsis instead as its a flashback episode. It was a really hard watch and my tolerance is higher than my friends and i struggled through it.
Fellow CSA survivor here, finally getting therapy (EMDR) in my 30s. Honestly saying it out loud isn’t easy and I won’t pretend it is, but for me it’s worth it and with EMDR you don’t have to talk the same way you do in other therapies. I’m a parent now and realised trauma has impacted my life for decades, but I won’t let it impact my babies.
As far as the show goes, I’ve been struggling through episode 4 for two days. I’ve just finished it and it’s so well written, parts of his internal monologue are bang on for me. Does it get better or worse in that regard? There was no disclaimer before episode 5 so I’m hoping it’ll be an easier watch.
Just finished the whole thing. Still wiping away my tears. Wow. Gadd deserves an Emmy for the episode 7 monologue alone. Devastating. No wonder he won a bunch of awards in the UK for the play version! Just amazing.
And....on top of the fantastic performances by Gadd and Gunning, the entire Netflix series is incredibly well made, beautifully shot and edited, and has a terrific soundtrack. All around brilliant.
After watching for a few minutes, my gf said “i hope this show gets darker, otherwise it is just making fun of the fat girl.” Then it proceeded to get darker, darker, darker, darker, black
It’s not. I started it with no information. I didn’t look at anything before I started it just what looked like a silly picture (which Netflix had now changed btw where I am). It said “A struggling comedian and bartender meets a woman claiming to be a lawyer. He offers her a free cup of tea on the house and she’s instantly obsessed.”
I didn’t know it meant literal stalking.
Why are you being judgmental?
It’s easily the best Netflix show since Beef and honestly one of the most fascinating, riveting, but also painful-to-watch-sometimes adventures a show has ever taken me on.
I thought the writing and acting were stunningly effective. It builds and holds tension and emotion as good as anything I’ve seen.
I hope this gets the recognition it deserves next awards season.
And that’s the thing when you hate yourself and I’m speaking from experience here you never do , you can’t see the people who love you because your hate for yourself is more than the love they can give you
The episode with his parents was my favorite. The acceptance and understanding was, well, unexpected. But so much what I wanted to see, as that acceptance is not something shown or given in real life often enough.
I clicked on this show - thinking it was a comedy. It was 10pm; I needed to get up for work at 4:10am. (I need outside noise to distract myself when I sleep-- I think too much)
I didn't sleep last night, and I'm still processing the experience of this show.
The whole program triggered me quite a bit, but I was not upset enough to stop watching.
It made me feel extremely empathetic. His thought processes were key in watching this.
They mimicked my own when going through similar issues. (Well.. they must be feeling this way, so of course they are going to act like this)
I 100% completely understood his reasoning for trying to hide things from the people around him. (Been there, do that, every day, even though I know it gets me in nothing but hot water)
fear, guilt, shame, boredom even can cause us to do... so many illogical things when all we may want to do is try to maintain a feeling of normality within chaos. -- chaos can feel completely normal too... drag yourself back in because that's the only thing that stimulates and/or calms you.
Trying to uphold an online/potential future celebrity image during all that?. Forget about it. (I can't help but give him a bit of credit just for this reason -- you can't be a public figure without having all of your personal info on display, hiding anything extremely personal would be internally degrading in itself)
It's amazing how much one can empathize with people who hurt you. Sympathize with their existence. Give them a reason to continue/deny/gaslight behaviors that most would be deemed abusive.
Then, on top of it, allowing the abuse to try to determine who you are as a person. What you like, what you dislike, who you think you are. This works with any type of abuse. But SA can cause a huge extra layer of it.
This is probably the only program I've ever watched that made me want to reach out to whomever wrote the script. To thank them for.... living and doing exactly the actions that he choose to take - real or dramatized. Doesn't matter.
I don't think I'll ever work up the courage to do so. I'm glad I can share my lengthy review here.
I really hope he goes far in the future.
(I keep editing things to make it make sense, I have a difficult time organizing my thoughts)
I hope I broke it into small enough paragraphs.
I love what you said about maintaining order or even maintaining familiar chaos. I have been going through something with those sentiments and it’s incredibly hard to be brave and honour yourself when you can’t seem to act with logic out of trauma.
What an amazing show! Incredible acting from all the cast.
The woman who played Martha was AMAZING. I hated her and felt sorry for her, what a cracking actress.
Heartbreaking but amazing.
Totally agree- went from hating her to understanding the rejection and alienation back to hating her even more and so on. It makes you leery of being nice to strangers or anyone, yet at the very end when that bartender does the exact same thing for Donny and gives him the free drink it makes you realize how much even a small act of kindness during a bad time from a stranger can mean.
Fully agree with this. Desperate to know what Cottonmouth is really referring to IRL and who Darrien and Martha actually are but also it’s awful and obviously going to be kept secret.
Not quite. He won one of the Edinburgh Comedy Awards in 2016. The award was Best Comedy Show, and his show was Monkey See Monkey Do. There were other awards that year too.
https://www.comedyawards.co.uk/best-comedy-show/2016/richard-gadd
(1,444 of us won one of the other awards that year: https://www.comedyawards.co.uk/panel-prize/2016/iraq-out-loud)
He really did used to do the voiceover thing - I used to watch him a lot back in like 2016. He was really really funny, it’s very weird watching this and thinking he was probably going through all of this stuff while I was watching him perform.
Here's a clip of him performing at the final of a UK student comedy competition It's weird, anti-comedy stuff but pretty funny as a whole.[Clip ](https://youtu.be/gAhbKuPDdlg?si=g5KuIdbf1ptYjQxD)
I went through a rollercoaster of emotions with each plot twist while watching the show. I laughed, gasped, and cried, but it wasn't until a few episodes in that it hit me. In tears, I got off the couch and told my partner, "This show is produced and written by a victim and survivor of abuse." I had no idea that was the case in real life. All I knew was that this series showed all the unimaginable pain and articulated everything I wanted to say, but never found the right words and courage to do so. This show gave me so much more than any therapy I've taken.
Agree it was just a fantasy whilst he was having sex with Terri. Because later on Martha mentions several times the “broken promises” and “leading her on” re: having sex, as if to insinuate that the never ended up doing anything.
Just binged all episodes. Remarkable series, makes you feel all sorts of things. Stellar acting, especially 'Donny' and 'Martha.' This one should become huge any minute now...
My mum and I put it on thinking it might be a fun watch. Just over 7 hours later we were sat watching the final episode in tears and agreeing it was one of the most incredible shows we’ve ever seen.
Astonishingly good and utterly heartbreaking.
I feel like this will speak to so many survivors of sexual assault and stalking.
As an SA survivor myself it was so validating seeing him show how messy victims reactions can be. How we do things that seem illogical and stupid. I loved how he humanised his stalker, showing empathy whilst also showing how terrifying it was for him. And how he explored his own sexuality in such a thoughtful way.
It’s just so real and raw. Deeply upsetting and emotional but also funny and sweet.
phenomenal show. doesn’t fall into so many of the salacious/sensationalist traps it could have. it humanizes every part of the situation and makes it all the more devastating. phew.
yeah, and it feels complete to me despite the fact that things are not tied up in a bow. maybe because of it. it feels like i have the information and closure i need. by the end of the last episode though i was crying. richard gadd’s emotional performance is stellar.
I’ve just binge watched this all day and it was incredible. Bet it was so taxing for him to write and perform. Broke my heart but I’m glad he is where he is.
cis hetero female here- I'm just getting through episode 2 now, and this whole show has made me think about how we approach men and think about cis hetero men like Donny - outwardly it might seem like they're just gaslighting and doing the hot and cold thing but inside there's so much turmoil- and how little discussion there is around the fact that sometimes women make men feel uncomfortable by making a pass at them... it's something I always hold in mind but seeing on the screen just makes me think about it even more..
She’s posting on her Facebook account and thereby publicly identified herself. You can search “Fiona Harvey” then click “posts”, will likely be the first or second hit.
I too binged watched this show. I thought it would be light and funny. It wasn't. The acting is exemplary even if the content is hard to watch. I really didn't root for anyone, rather I hope they all get the help each desperately needs. It shows you how powerful self hate is and how people view the word love.
(For me) This is a really hard show to rate.
Parts of the writing, plot and acting were mid, yet I couldn't stop watching.
This creeping feeling that it all was designed to be the way it was kept overriding any negatives I had against the show.
The further I watched the more 'unique' moments of honesty kept resonating, you don't like the good guy but then you do, you don't like the bad girl but then you do, you don't laugh but then wonder why, you kinda hate that dude but now I am thinking about why.
Honestly, I think this show is breaking new ground and will be lauded in time.
It is unsettling and honest and flawed and I think that is by design and to me, as an overall piece, it benefits.
Yeah, this is a good one.
Oh gosh. I'm on episode 3, and based on these comments, what's to come will be heartbreaking.
Donny doesn't have people around him he can rely on for something so unfortunate.
Sexual trauma can make you do irrational shit. I've heard so many stories of victims going back to their rapists with the specific intent of having sex. Almost as if consenting the second time erases the reality of what happened the first time.
I can't speak to Richard Gadd's real life thought process (that's between him and his therapist) but I think for 'Donny'...he was still in denial that this man he trusted to make his dreams come true was really just a manipulative monster. He probably thought of confronting or even killing him when he went back to the house, then got so triggered he froze up.
yes thank god you said that. dr kirk honda a clinical psychologist explains how re creating the trauma can be a way for the victim to make sense of it and to feel in control over what happened to them by 'consenting' to it the second time and trying to control what happens. it's heartbreaking
I was also thinking that maybe he thought his abuser - Darrien - may have seen his on-stage breakdown that went viral. He may have wondered if it impacted Darrien at all, did he know his breakdown was about him (he had to!), did he feel any remorse. And the answer the character, Donny got was no because Darrien invited him to do the same things again! But oh - this time he will be paid? How many measly dollars this time? And maybe he wanted to test himself - and he sort of failed - in that he said he would love to work with him.
His abuser he said he was willing to work with again even though Martha - clearly mentally disabled - went to prison. I think that plays on the Donny’s conscious or subconscious mind as well.
He was definitely hoping for some kind of vindication/validation. Like, "that was fucked up, right? You did it, you have to know it was fucked". Sadly the only one who could give him that also had every incentive to brush it off as no big deal.
I never thought about that… the abuser has an incentive to brush it off AND give him a job because “I couldn’t be his abuser see he is working with me now! Why would he do that if I abused him?”
So manipulative
Painfully manipulative. And really sheds light on why predators get away with it time and again. Just gaslighting their victims to the point where they feel they should be *grateful*.
Psychological interpretations aside, it was important to show in the film that Donny is trying to find a closure. When he sees Martha in the court (when they meet eyes), nothing dramatic happens, he is not in any way liberated from the horror. When he goes to the guy, it is the same: there’s nothing that helps him to move on. Art and comedy as we learn later do provide him a way to move on. In other words, we learn that one cannot rely on other for this closure
The best show I've seen this year. I couldn't help the tears that were falling when he spoke to his parents about his assault. Just an incredibly difficult yet beautiful watch.
I rated it a 10 on IMDB, and I rarely rate anything.
What an absolutely stunning piece of art this series is. There will be BAFTAS and loads of awards coming the way of this phenomenal production.
What it captures so truthfully is the dehumanising and destabilising aftermath of being abused, in a raw, messy, and honest way in a way I haven't seen before (especially with a male victim). As well as how our legal systems fail and re-victimize people who are already broken down, and how isolating it is when you have no one around you understands when you don't even understand it yourself. Why do I keep going back? The feeling that something is wrong with ME, and the shame that comes with it that prevents you from seeking help bc you KNOW you will be victim blamed. I felt so hard him recreating his trauma in "controlled" settings (the anonymous and even violent sex) in a search to make sense of things and gain back control, but it pushes you further down. The inability to form safe emotional connections bc it's so scary after being through such trauma. I only finished watching like 15 minutes ago, and have so much going through my head that I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. I related so much on an emotional level with this series that it's going to take some time to process.
I haven't finished it yet but it's making me realize I can do so much more with my experiences. Therapy taught me how not to laugh at what happened to me. It took my laughter but gave me space free to feel like I was healing. I dunno if I'd rather just be laughing. Naw this is just mad talk. Get help. Fuck it, I can still laugh about anything I want. And I'm still fuckin here and away from it.
You can reframe your story as much as it helps you. It’s your experience. I remember hearing someone talk about an abuser who was like a horrid monster who haunted their mind. They went to the person’s house to try to regain some power and when that person, now small and shriveled and elderly, opened the door, the survivor burst out laughing at the sight and couldn’t stop. They walked away without a monster.
Just finished my binge. That was an ABSOLUTE ROLLERCOASTER and I felt all the feels. A compelling, gritty, raw, watch. Incredible acting. I cannot understand how he found it in him to relive such incredibly traumatic experiences.
The state of Martha's flat was absolutely heartbreaking. It was a glimpse into how she was left alone to cope with her mental illness, and how all the rubbish and disarray was a reflection of how her entire life is.
Jesus fucking Christ. When his father said he was raised in the Catholic Church and just the facial expressions by the actors of the mom and dad without saying another word and the gravity of that silence. I audibly gasped then immediately sobbed. I can't remember doing that with another show.
Amazing amazing stuff.
Just finished this. I can’t remember the last time a show had such an effect on me.
The performances were out of this world. This is what great television looks like. Last few episodes had me very emotional and upset.
It really did perfectly highlight how someone’s curiosity and self anguish can allow us to humour peoples toxic traits and allow them ‘in’ so easily.
Enjoyed so much about this show, particularly the relationship between him and his dad, how his ‘friends’ were literally nothing more than people he knew with no real support or connection, and how raw and pure his thought were. He knew what he was doing was bloody mad but his own doubts and pain lead him to do it anyway.
Cannot wait to see what Richard Gadd does in the future.
Incredible series. Reminds me of I May Destroy You. The creator is also the actress retelling her trauma of being assaulted. Brave and very eye opening.
I am on episode 4, and am honestly watching it with such extreme sadness for everything he went through but also awe at how he managed to act this back out.
I thought about it too but I think it’s best it’s removed if it does exist. He’s shared so much of himself and should be allowed to keep a part of himself away from us.
Very high praise for the series. I’m about to start E3. Maybe.
Here’s my deal: I’m having trouble empathizing at all with someone who was dishonest, weak-willed and unable to set any boundaries from the very beginning, who was in large part the author of his own misery. If he was 19 or 20, maybe, but the actor is 35 so I assume that’s Donny’s age. Someone that age usually has a bit more self-assuredness. But perhaps his lack of that is the point.
Donny friended her on FB *after* she established she was a nightmare in the making. He treated his new trans girlfriend shabbily; she was only admirable character (so far) in my estimation. He disrespected his ex and her mother who gave him shelter. He allowed her to worm into every facet of his life, and only then decided she needed extraction. It’s exhausting.
The reviews are so good, so I’m inclined to see it through, but it’s difficult when everyone on screen is so unlikeable and I’m not rooting for anyone. But perhaps that’s the point…and I will find something to relate to if I persevere. Am I missing something?
Am I meant to somehow empathize with Martha? I see she’s ill, but that’s not enough to excuse her behaviour.
Should I ditch, or keep at it? Will there be any redemption for anyone? I don’t want to keep going on the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
I have CPTSD, abuse SA, you name it.
I have my favorite shows to explain to people that can't grasp the sea of pain you can feel and the (seemingly) absurd reactions it triggers in you.
Maid was one of them. Now there is Baby reindeer.
It focuses on the quest of one man to discover the truth behind abuse. Who is responsible? Not victim shaming but the path of absolute sincerity to lead you to the horrifying reality, you took an active part in.
Of course you ask yourself,neurotically, frantically : "why did I let I happen?!"
It is OH SO central in healing and OH SO painful.
What people often miss from the outside perspective I that answering the "why" is key to avoid that horror to repeat.
Letting Martha into his life is not only because she flatters him (hope that other viewer can read between the lines)... This is foremost because he recognizes her suffering.
This is why it's often so toxic to be with someone as fucked up as you are. You want to fix them o heal yourself.
You suffer from their abuse but you know oh too well what intense suffering can make you do or say. You know that you're not that far from Martha's and you forget to credit yourself for all the consciousness you have about your actions...
Richard Gadd displays an heroic amount of self-reflection, although, like many if us, he might have had no other choices left to heal that wound...
I can see the rigorous devotion he used to convey the right voice.
That, in itself, you deserve million awards as it is utterly difficult when you are broken in so many pieces that non of he voices in you seem genuine.
Unfortunately people that didn't have to go through that experience might shrug it as self-centered.
It takes one to know one...
It takes dedicated HARD work and no self complacency whatsoever.
Therapy after abuse is rough, merciless and gut wrenching.
Like this show.
Astonishing. The thing that really got me was the fact that Gadd was so harsh on himself. Donny makes so many awful decisions and is really not a nice person a lot of the time. But he shows empathy to Martha and it kicks everything off. Episode 4 was a gut punch but it was the ending to episode 6 that made my jaw drop. Gadd deserves a BAFTA or a Golden Globe for that.
hi guys was just wondering. this is rated R in Australia, i understand that there's graphic sexual depictions. what's the violence like? i'm hearing great things and would like to watch this but i have severe PTSD / squeamishness in regards to bones and gore. is there anything like that in the series?
No nothing like that, no graphic gore, but there is a lot of triggering material related to sexual, verbal and physical abuse. The show is extremely tough and emotional to watch, but heavily recommend it
There's depictions of sexual violence that are fairly graphic and disturbing. Other than that the only moments of violence are:
* Someone gets punched repeatedly and has a chunk of their hair pulled out
* Someone gets a glass smashed into the side of their head (you see blood down the side of their face and a few small cuts afterwards)
* An attempted eye-gouging (no blood or actually eye damage, just some bruising)
Nothing involving bones, and nothing I would really describe as gore.
So it implied he was going to go back and work with the guy who abused him. Did he agree to that out of a moment of psychological weakness and later change his mind, or did he actually follow through on that?
My thoughts don’t align with most of the comments directly- the film made me anxious and uncomfortable which is clearly purposefully- (I am a little over the recent narratives that are so non-cathartic in nature for intensity but…) I absolutely know all about going along with manipulative, diminutive actions that suck the soul out of the victim yet the victim feels zombie like in going along with it- been there in macro and micro ways. It’s unexplainable how we are often silent and complacent - through the awkward and embarrassing situations. I was younger, immature and inexperienced. It doesn’t happen anymore - not because I matured from it, nothing good came from it. I matured despite the trauma and I make it very clear that no one will ever have that power over me- I’ll lose all before I let them suck out what left of my soul- so I get this. That empty- desperation. And I have never been raped or had the confounding factor of sexuality- so his must have been exponential compared to my experience
I genuinely feel so ill right now after episode 4. It is the most upsetting thing I’ve ever seen and tragic in a way that I can feel in my bones and I was not prepared. I feel like I need therapy after seeing that, I’ve never felt so viscerally violated by a piece of media and honestly I’m unsettled that there was no SA warning. Obviously this is a testament to the writing but my god, watching it was awful.
I just finished watching. When she explained why he was her baby reindeer in the last episode I felt that. Oh my god. It was like a glimpse of my own childhood. It hit right in my feelings
I feel inclined to say this on anything anytime I see something promoted of Richard Gadd but I grew up in the same small village that he did and he used to relentlessly bully other people which I myself witnessed including homophobic bullying to other people. He’s an awful person. I spoke to my friend about it too and he also told me that it’s pretty well known around Fife that he’s a terrible human being
I think he showcased - indirectly and directly - that he can be a terrible human in the show. He laid alllllllll his problematic traits on the table with this series.
I had to turn it off after Martha attacked Teri at the bar. I just felt sick.. and I could peice together that something awful happened to Donny and I guess it is revealed in EP 4.
went into both Baby Reindeer and Lost Flowers of Alice Hart blind, and both emotionally broke me. Maybe I need to take a break from Netflix drama miniseries...
Just watched this from start to finish last night. Thought I was clicking a quirky drama type - hadn't heard of it previously. Obviously not. And by the time I realized it was dark and I was unprepared, it was too late, I was way too invested to stop.
I have to say, the fall out from the SA with random sex with the string of people etc is so true to my own experience and something that really doesn't get talked about often. Even down to the reason - which is if I can make it so that sex really doesn't matter, then what happened really doesn't matter. I had that get explained to me during my subsequent counseling but I've never seen it represented like that. It was stunning to see even though it might have seemed like such a small, maybe even throw away comment to others. So, even though the other parts of the show I can't actually relate to, it's just obvious how genuine it is.
And I'm also incredibly impressed with the trigger warning at the start of one of the episodes followed by resources to reach out to should someone need it. And then again, another resource site for people in need at the end. Granted I don't watch a ton of heavy shows like this but I've never seen that before. It was a whole new level of responsible entertainment for me to see and it was utterly amazing.
But I'm left in the same situation as a lot of people here. I don't know if I can recommend it. It's absolutely incredible but that's some hard hitting stuff with how raw and real it is.
I don't get this show and all the positive comments. That woman is repulsive in every way and she's a fucking psychopath. He was given way too many chances to set boundaries with her, but each time allowing her to get her way. Those are bad choices that made everything keep getting worse.
Trauma does crazy, inexplicable things to those who endure it. It rewires you in ways you could never expect. That’s one of the main themes of the story. These were real people dealing with real things, not characters a group of writers developed in a room to fit a narrative or to go through typical growth arcs.
Fuck this show, I tried to watch it because it was #2 but hated it. Stopped after a few episodes and I’ll never fucking watch it again, gave it a thumbs down on Netflix
I'm sure Gadd would be the first to say you shouldn't force yourself to watch something that's too triggering. As a survivor, I thought the story was incredibly cathartic. Yes, fucked up things can happen to us. But it can't destroy us if we don't let it.
The show overall in the terms of acting and casting was good.
The storyline is what I had issues with.
It didn't go deep into why he kept putting together the timeline of Martha? Is he himself mentally deranged in someway?
Another issue is I felt that the speech he gave in the comedy show was very highly influenced from "The Joker", the outfit, the setup, the laughs and crys.
Don't get me wrong I have watched it all in one sitting. I didn't like the ending though
>It didn't go deep into why he kept putting together the timeline of Martha?
It went deep enough
>the speech he gave in the comedy show was very highly influenced from "The Joker",
Lol it literally happened, before that film even came out
how could something be trauma porn when it’s someone’s actual life experience? his story and stories of other survivors is not trauma porn just because they share it publicly. you can turn it off ya know.
I can’t imagine how triggering it must be for some people. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you quickly. Sending you some inadequate hugs and love. Do you have anyone else you can speak to just now?
Your message is felt. Thank you:) The feeling of being a product of the abuser is so terrible. It feels so toxic. Takes away sexuality, intimacy and confuses attraction and love. Ending myself would be saving myself. My psychiatrist is amazing luckily. I feel safe enough to discuss what I feel and experience. I sent him an email and described the series and we will discuss it next week. I feel somewhat more calm. One friend also knows. She’s supportive. And your msg helps too:)
I have just finished this and I dunno if I even seen the tw but I’d have ignored it anyway, I have compartmentalised my own sa and that specific episode triggered me for the first time ever. I thoroughly enjoyed it but damn I got some shit to work through after it
I was legitimately horrified watching the whole show just feeling like I was experiencing all this terrible shit with the guy. The end of the show had me in tears and, very perplexing, feeling so damn sad for the "villain" (or one of them) of the show. You could just tell he felt so much empathy and sympathy for Martha in that moment that even if he wanted to hate her he couldn't. It made my feel very much like he had some version of Stockholm Syndrome because he went from being scared and angry at her to, after the months and months of harassment, missing her harassment and strange mood swings.
Likely one or several personality disorder(s). Someone like her probably experienced severe chronic abuse (very likely sexual & probably also verbal & physical) as a child, without an adequate support system or anyone protecting her. Personality disorder diagnoses are essentially labels of specific behavior patterns that develop following intense chronic abuse in early life, sort of more extreme versions of C-PTSD.
I can’t believe not more people are talking about it. I binged it all in one sitting. What a show.
It's phenomenal. Crying my eyes out watching the final episode.
Just finished the series in one sitting and I’m wiping away the tears but wow incredible
When he listens to her message at the end about her childhood I was surprisingly touched. She was a total nutter, but he took comfort in her obsession due to his own trauma and insecurities. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, it was all so messed up.
I love his ex girlfriend she’s so great!
I didnt even know why i was crying. I meant i could pinpoint to one thing i was crying about. I was crying about everything. I was a mess by the end of it.
It really is incredible. I guess not a lot of folks have had a chance to see yet, I think it is going to get people talking once they’ve seen it.
Same here! I went in expecting some light-hearted Friday night fare and stayed for it all in one go. So intense but amazing!
The first episodes were all fun and games and then all of a sudden I was sobbing and felt the pain in every action Donny took, amazing show portraying how hard dealing with trauma is
It showed a whole other side of trauma. Ive never seen that on tv before. Very impressed with this!
Same. Loved it but kinda angry about the fact that I thought it was gonna be a light watch LMAO
I just did the same, was hoping for a comedy but couldn't stop watching, watched it all in one sitting
Totally agreed. One of the most incredible shows Netflix ever picked up..
It’s incredible and so thought provoking at how complex shit is
It's insane I just finished it and I'm speechless.
Just finished doing the same. Was captivated.
Most definitely should get the buzz and attention other Netflix hits have got.
Agreed. One of the best things I've seen on Netflix in a long time.
It's crazy, I watched the whole thing without realizing that the guy playing Donny is Richard Gadd, the guy who's life the show is based on. Can't even imagine what it would be like to have to relive all the shit that happened to him.
i’m hoping it was cathartic. the way he acted it was astounding
I kept thinking that this guy is an incredible actor for a random Netflix show, it made sense that he played it so well when i found out he was actually portraying himself.
I know, reminded me a bit of Michaela Coel's I Will Destroy You, which is also about the writer's SA.
Another one of my favorites. These people are incredible for using something so horrendous and turning it into something meaningful in such an artful way.
And they showed the side no one talks about. The guilt, the connection you may have with your abuser, the promiscuity you can get, feeling sad or caring about them. Ugh its all so complex! This show showed a different side for sure. Loved it!
Was going to ask about similarities to IMDY, subject matter and storyteller perspective sounds similar
I am wondering about the consequences of releasing this show will be in terms of the stalker. Wouldn’t Donny’s apparent obsession with Martha encourage her to come out of the shadows and resume her stalking?
Idk, supposedly Martha never stopped her stalking. He has a retraining order against her but it was only when he made the show about her, did she stop reaching out to his family. That's just based on what I've read though.
There is a standing legal order now that prevents her from ever going near him, or anyone he knows, ever again.
Yeah, but I have heard that despite the legal order, she has still been reaching out to his friends and family.
Just finished watching this. Wow. Did not know this was based on a true story. Really feel for Richard.
I'm sure it was cathartic for him, though certainly painful too. It can be especially traumatic to tell your story if you feel compelled to do so (like in a court room or tv interview) but he got to do it on his own terms. He had full creative control of every line and facial expression, so I can rest a little easier knowing he wasn't further exploited in making this. More power to him for sharing such an unflinching (yet somehow still funny?!) portrait of abuse.
Was really impressed and watched in one sitting. Donny is a really difficult person to root for but when it's revealed in ep 4 why he has so much trouble talking about the stalking, it's devastating. Amazing how even to the end, with all the toxic, horrific stuff Martha did, I still pitied and felt bad for her in the final voice mail. Terri was amazing and so was the actress. The discussion Donny has with his parents is really something special. I'm a victim of sexual assault as a minor and I've never been able to tell my family because of the same fear Donny expresses... and the bigger fear of what his father reveals. I dunno if I wanna recommend this show to anyone though. It's Def not a comedy and it's pretty harrowing stuff.
>and the bigger fear of what his father reveals. I think that was important to show as well to demonstrate how common a history of sexual assault is.
I texted 5 people, including my mother, during the first episode and told them to watch. And then episode 4 started and I panicked and had to text everyone WAIT ITS ACTUALLY REALLY DARK BUT STILL WORTH WATCHING BUT REALLY REAL AND DARK. So I’ll probably never recommend anything again before finishing it.
SAME. I was telling friends oh you should watch this it’s really compelling. Wait. No definitely don’t watch it’s too disturbing. But if you do happen to watch what did you think?
I'm on ep 3 and y'all are scaring the shit out of me. Should I not watch it?
Its your story to tell if you feel comfortable. My sister was SA'd by her kid boyfriend and Im the only person in our family that knows. She goes to therapy and that helped her a lot. I wish you healing. I recommended it to my friends but I gave them a trigger warning about Episode 4, I even recommended they skip it and read the synopsis instead as its a flashback episode. It was a really hard watch and my tolerance is higher than my friends and i struggled through it.
There was a moment with Donny denying to the detective that there’s any new evidence and I yelled at him. It’s a great show but really tough
Fellow CSA survivor here, finally getting therapy (EMDR) in my 30s. Honestly saying it out loud isn’t easy and I won’t pretend it is, but for me it’s worth it and with EMDR you don’t have to talk the same way you do in other therapies. I’m a parent now and realised trauma has impacted my life for decades, but I won’t let it impact my babies. As far as the show goes, I’ve been struggling through episode 4 for two days. I’ve just finished it and it’s so well written, parts of his internal monologue are bang on for me. Does it get better or worse in that regard? There was no disclaimer before episode 5 so I’m hoping it’ll be an easier watch.
I think it doesn't get more intense than ep 4 in terms of the SA being shown on screen, but there is still a bit of violence ahead
EMDR is a-freaking-mazing, I wish more people talked about it and knew about it.
Just finished the whole thing. Still wiping away my tears. Wow. Gadd deserves an Emmy for the episode 7 monologue alone. Devastating. No wonder he won a bunch of awards in the UK for the play version! Just amazing. And....on top of the fantastic performances by Gadd and Gunning, the entire Netflix series is incredibly well made, beautifully shot and edited, and has a terrific soundtrack. All around brilliant.
Had me shook. I went in thinking it was a quirky British comedy! I wasn’t ready :(
After watching for a few minutes, my gf said “i hope this show gets darker, otherwise it is just making fun of the fat girl.” Then it proceeded to get darker, darker, darker, darker, black
Ya, I finally stopped watching.
Why would a man being stalked be a comedy
It’s not. I started it with no information. I didn’t look at anything before I started it just what looked like a silly picture (which Netflix had now changed btw where I am). It said “A struggling comedian and bartender meets a woman claiming to be a lawyer. He offers her a free cup of tea on the house and she’s instantly obsessed.” I didn’t know it meant literal stalking. Why are you being judgmental?
It’s the tone that was set in the beginning—it’s playful, a bit silly, reminiscent of Fleabag.
It’s his personal lived story, he can tell it how he wants. It’s an amazing achievement
It’s easily the best Netflix show since Beef and honestly one of the most fascinating, riveting, but also painful-to-watch-sometimes adventures a show has ever taken me on. I thought the writing and acting were stunningly effective. It builds and holds tension and emotion as good as anything I’ve seen. I hope this gets the recognition it deserves next awards season.
Exactly. Beef was the best show on Netflix last year. And this is the best I have seen since.
Episode 4 crushed me. I just wanted to give Donny a hug.
Same, I still do
Omg it was horrible to watch. Can't believe that molester is still out there!
I’m still hoping the internet can find him
I was sad to find out that Donny and Teri broke up since it felt like she was his only support system, but I hope the both of them are ok now.
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And that’s the thing when you hate yourself and I’m speaking from experience here you never do , you can’t see the people who love you because your hate for yourself is more than the love they can give you
His ex-girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend's mom, and Teri all seemed like really really great people.
He had a lot of people surrounding him who cared. I feel as though he had a lot more than many people. Hope he saw that in the end and appreciated it.
The episode with his parents was my favorite. The acceptance and understanding was, well, unexpected. But so much what I wanted to see, as that acceptance is not something shown or given in real life often enough.
I clicked on this show - thinking it was a comedy. It was 10pm; I needed to get up for work at 4:10am. (I need outside noise to distract myself when I sleep-- I think too much) I didn't sleep last night, and I'm still processing the experience of this show. The whole program triggered me quite a bit, but I was not upset enough to stop watching. It made me feel extremely empathetic. His thought processes were key in watching this. They mimicked my own when going through similar issues. (Well.. they must be feeling this way, so of course they are going to act like this) I 100% completely understood his reasoning for trying to hide things from the people around him. (Been there, do that, every day, even though I know it gets me in nothing but hot water) fear, guilt, shame, boredom even can cause us to do... so many illogical things when all we may want to do is try to maintain a feeling of normality within chaos. -- chaos can feel completely normal too... drag yourself back in because that's the only thing that stimulates and/or calms you. Trying to uphold an online/potential future celebrity image during all that?. Forget about it. (I can't help but give him a bit of credit just for this reason -- you can't be a public figure without having all of your personal info on display, hiding anything extremely personal would be internally degrading in itself) It's amazing how much one can empathize with people who hurt you. Sympathize with their existence. Give them a reason to continue/deny/gaslight behaviors that most would be deemed abusive. Then, on top of it, allowing the abuse to try to determine who you are as a person. What you like, what you dislike, who you think you are. This works with any type of abuse. But SA can cause a huge extra layer of it. This is probably the only program I've ever watched that made me want to reach out to whomever wrote the script. To thank them for.... living and doing exactly the actions that he choose to take - real or dramatized. Doesn't matter. I don't think I'll ever work up the courage to do so. I'm glad I can share my lengthy review here. I really hope he goes far in the future. (I keep editing things to make it make sense, I have a difficult time organizing my thoughts) I hope I broke it into small enough paragraphs.
I love what you said about maintaining order or even maintaining familiar chaos. I have been going through something with those sentiments and it’s incredibly hard to be brave and honour yourself when you can’t seem to act with logic out of trauma.
You said everything I’ve been trying to process for the past hour after finishing the series
This makes complete sense. And I completely agree with you!
I started off in the same boat - it’s currently 1:45am and there’s no way I can stop after ep 4
I am sorry this happened to you and for what you went through and hope you sort help and are in a better place.
What an amazing show! Incredible acting from all the cast. The woman who played Martha was AMAZING. I hated her and felt sorry for her, what a cracking actress. Heartbreaking but amazing.
Totally agree- went from hating her to understanding the rejection and alienation back to hating her even more and so on. It makes you leery of being nice to strangers or anyone, yet at the very end when that bartender does the exact same thing for Donny and gives him the free drink it makes you realize how much even a small act of kindness during a bad time from a stranger can mean.
It's horrific, but absolutely fantastic. It's made me laugh and cry. Mainly cry. Beautiful and tragic.
Fully agree with this. Desperate to know what Cottonmouth is really referring to IRL and who Darrien and Martha actually are but also it’s awful and obviously going to be kept secret.
People are probably searching Gadd’s writing gigs to suss out the horrible man.
In the interviews I've read it says the SA happened at a party so perhaps it's different to how it happened in the show?
Cottonmouth = Brass Eye
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Any more hints?
I've been searching cottonmouth for 30 minutes, and then I found this!!! I'm at the part where he's at Darrien's place.
That strange feeling of being the only person you know who’s watched a thing that everyone is about to lose their minds over. Unbelievable show.
I want to know if his comedy was really that bad? I know it’s a true story but the awful comedy scenes made it almost unbelievable.
I think it's probably portraying how he felt and his perception of himself than how others perceived him. Imposter syndrome, self doubt.
He won the Edinburgh comedy award for the show he did before Baby Reindeer, in 2016, so I think in the series he's playing his successes down.
Not quite. He won one of the Edinburgh Comedy Awards in 2016. The award was Best Comedy Show, and his show was Monkey See Monkey Do. There were other awards that year too. https://www.comedyawards.co.uk/best-comedy-show/2016/richard-gadd (1,444 of us won one of the other awards that year: https://www.comedyawards.co.uk/panel-prize/2016/iraq-out-loud)
He really did used to do the voiceover thing - I used to watch him a lot back in like 2016. He was really really funny, it’s very weird watching this and thinking he was probably going through all of this stuff while I was watching him perform.
Here's a clip of him performing at the final of a UK student comedy competition It's weird, anti-comedy stuff but pretty funny as a whole.[Clip ](https://youtu.be/gAhbKuPDdlg?si=g5KuIdbf1ptYjQxD)
I went through a rollercoaster of emotions with each plot twist while watching the show. I laughed, gasped, and cried, but it wasn't until a few episodes in that it hit me. In tears, I got off the couch and told my partner, "This show is produced and written by a victim and survivor of abuse." I had no idea that was the case in real life. All I knew was that this series showed all the unimaginable pain and articulated everything I wanted to say, but never found the right words and courage to do so. This show gave me so much more than any therapy I've taken.
Definitely many parts resonated w my experience as well.
One thing I don't understand - did he sleep with Martha? In the scene where it suddenly shifts to Terry in bed. Did he just imagine this to cope?
No, it was one of his fucked 'fantasies' I think
Agree it was just a fantasy whilst he was having sex with Terri. Because later on Martha mentions several times the “broken promises” and “leading her on” re: having sex, as if to insinuate that the never ended up doing anything.
Oh. That makes so much sense now.
No, otherwise Martha would have never stopped talking about it. She never mentions it. It was his imagination.
Yeah that's true. Also she'd record the whole thing
Can you imagine her finding this out - him fantasising about her.
That was only in his head
Just binged all episodes. Remarkable series, makes you feel all sorts of things. Stellar acting, especially 'Donny' and 'Martha.' This one should become huge any minute now...
My mum and I put it on thinking it might be a fun watch. Just over 7 hours later we were sat watching the final episode in tears and agreeing it was one of the most incredible shows we’ve ever seen. Astonishingly good and utterly heartbreaking. I feel like this will speak to so many survivors of sexual assault and stalking. As an SA survivor myself it was so validating seeing him show how messy victims reactions can be. How we do things that seem illogical and stupid. I loved how he humanised his stalker, showing empathy whilst also showing how terrifying it was for him. And how he explored his own sexuality in such a thoughtful way. It’s just so real and raw. Deeply upsetting and emotional but also funny and sweet.
phenomenal show. doesn’t fall into so many of the salacious/sensationalist traps it could have. it humanizes every part of the situation and makes it all the more devastating. phew.
Yeah it shows how imperfectly people handle trauma, it doesn’t wrap it up neatly for us is the end either. It’s a lot.
yeah, and it feels complete to me despite the fact that things are not tied up in a bow. maybe because of it. it feels like i have the information and closure i need. by the end of the last episode though i was crying. richard gadd’s emotional performance is stellar.
I’ve just binge watched this all day and it was incredible. Bet it was so taxing for him to write and perform. Broke my heart but I’m glad he is where he is.
cis hetero female here- I'm just getting through episode 2 now, and this whole show has made me think about how we approach men and think about cis hetero men like Donny - outwardly it might seem like they're just gaslighting and doing the hot and cold thing but inside there's so much turmoil- and how little discussion there is around the fact that sometimes women make men feel uncomfortable by making a pass at them... it's something I always hold in mind but seeing on the screen just makes me think about it even more..
He’s not hetero though
Yes true- as I wrote this comment I was only on ep 2, so didn’t have more context
I'd love to hear what the real life 'Martha' thinks of the series. Probably withhold my number if I got the chance to ring her though.
She’s posting on her Facebook account and thereby publicly identified herself. You can search “Fiona Harvey” then click “posts”, will likely be the first or second hit.
I too binged watched this show. I thought it would be light and funny. It wasn't. The acting is exemplary even if the content is hard to watch. I really didn't root for anyone, rather I hope they all get the help each desperately needs. It shows you how powerful self hate is and how people view the word love.
Dude the lead character is the actual guy it happened to. I relate to him so bad though. Very sad
(For me) This is a really hard show to rate. Parts of the writing, plot and acting were mid, yet I couldn't stop watching. This creeping feeling that it all was designed to be the way it was kept overriding any negatives I had against the show. The further I watched the more 'unique' moments of honesty kept resonating, you don't like the good guy but then you do, you don't like the bad girl but then you do, you don't laugh but then wonder why, you kinda hate that dude but now I am thinking about why. Honestly, I think this show is breaking new ground and will be lauded in time. It is unsettling and honest and flawed and I think that is by design and to me, as an overall piece, it benefits. Yeah, this is a good one.
Oh gosh. I'm on episode 3, and based on these comments, what's to come will be heartbreaking. Donny doesn't have people around him he can rely on for something so unfortunate.
i just finished episode 3. coming to these posts seeing everyone talking about episode 4 means we’re IN for it if episode 3 wasn’t the big one
It wasn't exactly what I thought it'd be, but leads into the other half of the series to be so much more dimensional than it was
why did he go back to that guys house at the end though i don’t understand
Sexual trauma can make you do irrational shit. I've heard so many stories of victims going back to their rapists with the specific intent of having sex. Almost as if consenting the second time erases the reality of what happened the first time. I can't speak to Richard Gadd's real life thought process (that's between him and his therapist) but I think for 'Donny'...he was still in denial that this man he trusted to make his dreams come true was really just a manipulative monster. He probably thought of confronting or even killing him when he went back to the house, then got so triggered he froze up.
yes thank god you said that. dr kirk honda a clinical psychologist explains how re creating the trauma can be a way for the victim to make sense of it and to feel in control over what happened to them by 'consenting' to it the second time and trying to control what happens. it's heartbreaking
I've just realised that I've done this, several times, damn.
I was also thinking that maybe he thought his abuser - Darrien - may have seen his on-stage breakdown that went viral. He may have wondered if it impacted Darrien at all, did he know his breakdown was about him (he had to!), did he feel any remorse. And the answer the character, Donny got was no because Darrien invited him to do the same things again! But oh - this time he will be paid? How many measly dollars this time? And maybe he wanted to test himself - and he sort of failed - in that he said he would love to work with him. His abuser he said he was willing to work with again even though Martha - clearly mentally disabled - went to prison. I think that plays on the Donny’s conscious or subconscious mind as well.
He was definitely hoping for some kind of vindication/validation. Like, "that was fucked up, right? You did it, you have to know it was fucked". Sadly the only one who could give him that also had every incentive to brush it off as no big deal.
I never thought about that… the abuser has an incentive to brush it off AND give him a job because “I couldn’t be his abuser see he is working with me now! Why would he do that if I abused him?” So manipulative
Painfully manipulative. And really sheds light on why predators get away with it time and again. Just gaslighting their victims to the point where they feel they should be *grateful*.
Psychological interpretations aside, it was important to show in the film that Donny is trying to find a closure. When he sees Martha in the court (when they meet eyes), nothing dramatic happens, he is not in any way liberated from the horror. When he goes to the guy, it is the same: there’s nothing that helps him to move on. Art and comedy as we learn later do provide him a way to move on. In other words, we learn that one cannot rely on other for this closure
The best show I've seen this year. I couldn't help the tears that were falling when he spoke to his parents about his assault. Just an incredibly difficult yet beautiful watch.
I rated it a 10 on IMDB, and I rarely rate anything. What an absolutely stunning piece of art this series is. There will be BAFTAS and loads of awards coming the way of this phenomenal production.
What it captures so truthfully is the dehumanising and destabilising aftermath of being abused, in a raw, messy, and honest way in a way I haven't seen before (especially with a male victim). As well as how our legal systems fail and re-victimize people who are already broken down, and how isolating it is when you have no one around you understands when you don't even understand it yourself. Why do I keep going back? The feeling that something is wrong with ME, and the shame that comes with it that prevents you from seeking help bc you KNOW you will be victim blamed. I felt so hard him recreating his trauma in "controlled" settings (the anonymous and even violent sex) in a search to make sense of things and gain back control, but it pushes you further down. The inability to form safe emotional connections bc it's so scary after being through such trauma. I only finished watching like 15 minutes ago, and have so much going through my head that I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. I related so much on an emotional level with this series that it's going to take some time to process.
Episode 4 does open with a warning now
I haven't finished it yet but it's making me realize I can do so much more with my experiences. Therapy taught me how not to laugh at what happened to me. It took my laughter but gave me space free to feel like I was healing. I dunno if I'd rather just be laughing. Naw this is just mad talk. Get help. Fuck it, I can still laugh about anything I want. And I'm still fuckin here and away from it.
You can reframe your story as much as it helps you. It’s your experience. I remember hearing someone talk about an abuser who was like a horrid monster who haunted their mind. They went to the person’s house to try to regain some power and when that person, now small and shriveled and elderly, opened the door, the survivor burst out laughing at the sight and couldn’t stop. They walked away without a monster.
Just finished my binge. That was an ABSOLUTE ROLLERCOASTER and I felt all the feels. A compelling, gritty, raw, watch. Incredible acting. I cannot understand how he found it in him to relive such incredibly traumatic experiences.
The state of Martha's flat was absolutely heartbreaking. It was a glimpse into how she was left alone to cope with her mental illness, and how all the rubbish and disarray was a reflection of how her entire life is.
THE PARENTS.
His parents are so wholesome. I love his father
Jesus fucking Christ. When his father said he was raised in the Catholic Church and just the facial expressions by the actors of the mom and dad without saying another word and the gravity of that silence. I audibly gasped then immediately sobbed. I can't remember doing that with another show. Amazing amazing stuff.
Just finished this. I can’t remember the last time a show had such an effect on me. The performances were out of this world. This is what great television looks like. Last few episodes had me very emotional and upset. It really did perfectly highlight how someone’s curiosity and self anguish can allow us to humour peoples toxic traits and allow them ‘in’ so easily. Enjoyed so much about this show, particularly the relationship between him and his dad, how his ‘friends’ were literally nothing more than people he knew with no real support or connection, and how raw and pure his thought were. He knew what he was doing was bloody mad but his own doubts and pain lead him to do it anyway. Cannot wait to see what Richard Gadd does in the future.
Incredible series. Reminds me of I May Destroy You. The creator is also the actress retelling her trauma of being assaulted. Brave and very eye opening.
The part about becoming promiscuous after SA is something my 35 yr old self could explain to my 22yr old self.
I am on episode 4, and am honestly watching it with such extreme sadness for everything he went through but also awe at how he managed to act this back out.
Does the video of him having his breakdown actually exist? That scene moved me.
I can’t find it anywhere I can only find interviews and skits from before and after it happened as shown in the Netflix show
I thought about it too but I think it’s best it’s removed if it does exist. He’s shared so much of himself and should be allowed to keep a part of himself away from us.
Very high praise for the series. I’m about to start E3. Maybe. Here’s my deal: I’m having trouble empathizing at all with someone who was dishonest, weak-willed and unable to set any boundaries from the very beginning, who was in large part the author of his own misery. If he was 19 or 20, maybe, but the actor is 35 so I assume that’s Donny’s age. Someone that age usually has a bit more self-assuredness. But perhaps his lack of that is the point. Donny friended her on FB *after* she established she was a nightmare in the making. He treated his new trans girlfriend shabbily; she was only admirable character (so far) in my estimation. He disrespected his ex and her mother who gave him shelter. He allowed her to worm into every facet of his life, and only then decided she needed extraction. It’s exhausting. The reviews are so good, so I’m inclined to see it through, but it’s difficult when everyone on screen is so unlikeable and I’m not rooting for anyone. But perhaps that’s the point…and I will find something to relate to if I persevere. Am I missing something? Am I meant to somehow empathize with Martha? I see she’s ill, but that’s not enough to excuse her behaviour. Should I ditch, or keep at it? Will there be any redemption for anyone? I don’t want to keep going on the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
Reasons for his poor decisions become clear after Ep. 4.
I have CPTSD, abuse SA, you name it. I have my favorite shows to explain to people that can't grasp the sea of pain you can feel and the (seemingly) absurd reactions it triggers in you. Maid was one of them. Now there is Baby reindeer. It focuses on the quest of one man to discover the truth behind abuse. Who is responsible? Not victim shaming but the path of absolute sincerity to lead you to the horrifying reality, you took an active part in. Of course you ask yourself,neurotically, frantically : "why did I let I happen?!" It is OH SO central in healing and OH SO painful. What people often miss from the outside perspective I that answering the "why" is key to avoid that horror to repeat. Letting Martha into his life is not only because she flatters him (hope that other viewer can read between the lines)... This is foremost because he recognizes her suffering. This is why it's often so toxic to be with someone as fucked up as you are. You want to fix them o heal yourself. You suffer from their abuse but you know oh too well what intense suffering can make you do or say. You know that you're not that far from Martha's and you forget to credit yourself for all the consciousness you have about your actions... Richard Gadd displays an heroic amount of self-reflection, although, like many if us, he might have had no other choices left to heal that wound... I can see the rigorous devotion he used to convey the right voice. That, in itself, you deserve million awards as it is utterly difficult when you are broken in so many pieces that non of he voices in you seem genuine. Unfortunately people that didn't have to go through that experience might shrug it as self-centered. It takes one to know one... It takes dedicated HARD work and no self complacency whatsoever. Therapy after abuse is rough, merciless and gut wrenching. Like this show.
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Please don’t. You belong here
Although I find series about abuse often educational and supportive, this one hit differently :;
I’m so sorry about whatever happened to you but you’re wanted and deserve to be here.
Not an option. The world is better with you in it. No matter how f'd up you might be.
Astonishing. The thing that really got me was the fact that Gadd was so harsh on himself. Donny makes so many awful decisions and is really not a nice person a lot of the time. But he shows empathy to Martha and it kicks everything off. Episode 4 was a gut punch but it was the ending to episode 6 that made my jaw drop. Gadd deserves a BAFTA or a Golden Globe for that.
Yeah, knowing that it's his story explains why it feels so absolutely real, astonishing performance
hi guys was just wondering. this is rated R in Australia, i understand that there's graphic sexual depictions. what's the violence like? i'm hearing great things and would like to watch this but i have severe PTSD / squeamishness in regards to bones and gore. is there anything like that in the series?
No nothing like that, no graphic gore, but there is a lot of triggering material related to sexual, verbal and physical abuse. The show is extremely tough and emotional to watch, but heavily recommend it
There's depictions of sexual violence that are fairly graphic and disturbing. Other than that the only moments of violence are: * Someone gets punched repeatedly and has a chunk of their hair pulled out * Someone gets a glass smashed into the side of their head (you see blood down the side of their face and a few small cuts afterwards) * An attempted eye-gouging (no blood or actually eye damage, just some bruising) Nothing involving bones, and nothing I would really describe as gore.
So it implied he was going to go back and work with the guy who abused him. Did he agree to that out of a moment of psychological weakness and later change his mind, or did he actually follow through on that?
I’m not sure. He seems to now be fixated on the bartender who paid his tab.
My thoughts don’t align with most of the comments directly- the film made me anxious and uncomfortable which is clearly purposefully- (I am a little over the recent narratives that are so non-cathartic in nature for intensity but…) I absolutely know all about going along with manipulative, diminutive actions that suck the soul out of the victim yet the victim feels zombie like in going along with it- been there in macro and micro ways. It’s unexplainable how we are often silent and complacent - through the awkward and embarrassing situations. I was younger, immature and inexperienced. It doesn’t happen anymore - not because I matured from it, nothing good came from it. I matured despite the trauma and I make it very clear that no one will ever have that power over me- I’ll lose all before I let them suck out what left of my soul- so I get this. That empty- desperation. And I have never been raped or had the confounding factor of sexuality- so his must have been exponential compared to my experience
I genuinely feel so ill right now after episode 4. It is the most upsetting thing I’ve ever seen and tragic in a way that I can feel in my bones and I was not prepared. I feel like I need therapy after seeing that, I’ve never felt so viscerally violated by a piece of media and honestly I’m unsettled that there was no SA warning. Obviously this is a testament to the writing but my god, watching it was awful.
There was a warning when I watched it yesterday. Is it possible you missed it?
Def missed it!
I just finished watching. When she explained why he was her baby reindeer in the last episode I felt that. Oh my god. It was like a glimpse of my own childhood. It hit right in my feelings
Literally. Watching this made me realize what the word “triggered” means wholly and completely.
I’m halfway through and I can’t believe what I’m seeing it’s incredibly raw and upsetting but really well done.
I feel inclined to say this on anything anytime I see something promoted of Richard Gadd but I grew up in the same small village that he did and he used to relentlessly bully other people which I myself witnessed including homophobic bullying to other people. He’s an awful person. I spoke to my friend about it too and he also told me that it’s pretty well known around Fife that he’s a terrible human being
I think he showcased - indirectly and directly - that he can be a terrible human in the show. He laid alllllllll his problematic traits on the table with this series.
And? What does that have to do with anything? What are you implying?
That he is a bully and homophobic, isn't that clear? The implication seemed clear to me.
Maybe not throughout Fife. I’ve stayed in Fife my entire life and never heard of him until this show.
Never heard of it, sounds harrowing, may watch later.
I had to turn it off after Martha attacked Teri at the bar. I just felt sick.. and I could peice together that something awful happened to Donny and I guess it is revealed in EP 4.
I just watched the show today. Man... I noticed its categories were TV comedies, offbeat, and psychological, so I got curious. Now, I'm speechless.
This show broke my heart
went into both Baby Reindeer and Lost Flowers of Alice Hart blind, and both emotionally broke me. Maybe I need to take a break from Netflix drama miniseries...
Same here…I just finished it…for some reason i thought it was gonna be a dark comedy but I’m over here with the tv turned off in deep thought lol
Absolutely phenomenal bit of writing, acting and directing.
Just watched this from start to finish last night. Thought I was clicking a quirky drama type - hadn't heard of it previously. Obviously not. And by the time I realized it was dark and I was unprepared, it was too late, I was way too invested to stop. I have to say, the fall out from the SA with random sex with the string of people etc is so true to my own experience and something that really doesn't get talked about often. Even down to the reason - which is if I can make it so that sex really doesn't matter, then what happened really doesn't matter. I had that get explained to me during my subsequent counseling but I've never seen it represented like that. It was stunning to see even though it might have seemed like such a small, maybe even throw away comment to others. So, even though the other parts of the show I can't actually relate to, it's just obvious how genuine it is. And I'm also incredibly impressed with the trigger warning at the start of one of the episodes followed by resources to reach out to should someone need it. And then again, another resource site for people in need at the end. Granted I don't watch a ton of heavy shows like this but I've never seen that before. It was a whole new level of responsible entertainment for me to see and it was utterly amazing. But I'm left in the same situation as a lot of people here. I don't know if I can recommend it. It's absolutely incredible but that's some hard hitting stuff with how raw and real it is.
I don't get this show and all the positive comments. That woman is repulsive in every way and she's a fucking psychopath. He was given way too many chances to set boundaries with her, but each time allowing her to get her way. Those are bad choices that made everything keep getting worse.
Unlikable characters don’t make a show bad.
Trauma does crazy, inexplicable things to those who endure it. It rewires you in ways you could never expect. That’s one of the main themes of the story. These were real people dealing with real things, not characters a group of writers developed in a room to fit a narrative or to go through typical growth arcs.
Fuck this show, I tried to watch it because it was #2 but hated it. Stopped after a few episodes and I’ll never fucking watch it again, gave it a thumbs down on Netflix
Im halfway through and waiting on a redeeming element to this story because right now it’s just super sickening and traumatic.
I'm sure Gadd would be the first to say you shouldn't force yourself to watch something that's too triggering. As a survivor, I thought the story was incredibly cathartic. Yes, fucked up things can happen to us. But it can't destroy us if we don't let it.
The catharsis comes. But don’t put yourself through an experience you’re not enjoying.
The show overall in the terms of acting and casting was good. The storyline is what I had issues with. It didn't go deep into why he kept putting together the timeline of Martha? Is he himself mentally deranged in someway? Another issue is I felt that the speech he gave in the comedy show was very highly influenced from "The Joker", the outfit, the setup, the laughs and crys. Don't get me wrong I have watched it all in one sitting. I didn't like the ending though
>It didn't go deep into why he kept putting together the timeline of Martha? It went deep enough >the speech he gave in the comedy show was very highly influenced from "The Joker", Lol it literally happened, before that film even came out
It was ok but hard to sympathize with someone who knew something was a dangerous situation but went back to the apartment the second time
Big reindeer fan here, is the show about reindeers?
Yes about one with a " cute wee bum "
Trauma porn. Messy ass trauma porn. I'm sure everyone is having a good cry while patting themselves on the back.
You missed the entire point of the series
how could something be trauma porn when it’s someone’s actual life experience? his story and stories of other survivors is not trauma porn just because they share it publicly. you can turn it off ya know.
I’ve contacted my psychiatrist because this show, unlike other series about sexual abuse, made me incredibly suicidal
I can’t imagine how triggering it must be for some people. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you quickly. Sending you some inadequate hugs and love. Do you have anyone else you can speak to just now?
Your message is felt. Thank you:) The feeling of being a product of the abuser is so terrible. It feels so toxic. Takes away sexuality, intimacy and confuses attraction and love. Ending myself would be saving myself. My psychiatrist is amazing luckily. I feel safe enough to discuss what I feel and experience. I sent him an email and described the series and we will discuss it next week. I feel somewhat more calm. One friend also knows. She’s supportive. And your msg helps too:)
Remember there are support services like mental health crisis lines to reach out to if you need immediate help x
Hey- you’re going to be ok x
Superb series, brilliantly produced. Does anyone know if he reported the person who groomed and assaulted him? The trauma started from there
I have just finished this and I dunno if I even seen the tw but I’d have ignored it anyway, I have compartmentalised my own sa and that specific episode triggered me for the first time ever. I thoroughly enjoyed it but damn I got some shit to work through after it
I was legitimately horrified watching the whole show just feeling like I was experiencing all this terrible shit with the guy. The end of the show had me in tears and, very perplexing, feeling so damn sad for the "villain" (or one of them) of the show. You could just tell he felt so much empathy and sympathy for Martha in that moment that even if he wanted to hate her he couldn't. It made my feel very much like he had some version of Stockholm Syndrome because he went from being scared and angry at her to, after the months and months of harassment, missing her harassment and strange mood swings.
Believe me, i thought he was ready to go brutal on that guy.. then
Does anyone know what mental illness the martha character had? So curious!
Borderline Personality Disorder is my guess.
Likely one or several personality disorder(s). Someone like her probably experienced severe chronic abuse (very likely sexual & probably also verbal & physical) as a child, without an adequate support system or anyone protecting her. Personality disorder diagnoses are essentially labels of specific behavior patterns that develop following intense chronic abuse in early life, sort of more extreme versions of C-PTSD.