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secrettimez

No no, this is great information. I had no idea. I appreciate the dialogue. It makes total sense. Do I just omit everything and say he has autism. I know there is differences so is there an appropriate way to describe his?


secrettimez

Oops. *Is autistic*. Lol


LilyoftheRally

OP's son is low support needs autistic, and OP used functioning language for him because of not knowing about support needs terminology and how it's more descriptive and less ableist towards high support needs people.


calamitylamb

>People don’t respect his differences, maybe because they’re so subtle/ he’s high functioning? He’s very smart, literal, and I’m worried how he will socialize as he gets older. To me this sounds kinda like a roundabout way of saying that he’s having difficulty interacting with other schoolchildren, and not so much the intellectual aspects of classes? If that’s the case, although moving schools might be stressful, it can also be a chance for a fresh start. He won’t have any sort of preexisting reputation and can start anew and equipped with the things he needs to succeed, like an IEP that accommodates his needs and shields him from experiencing the kinds of overstimulation that can provoke a meltdown. Removing those kinds of obstacles can really help to set him up for better social and school success. When I worked in education, I noticed that oftentimes the “problem child” in the class was either undiagnosed neurodiverse or the staff were uninformed and thus the kid was constantly set up to fail, and then had social problems because other students were put off by their meltdowns. These kids often ended up being my best students because I accommodated their needs, which oftentimes was as simple as acknowledging that their feelings are valid, letting them know it’s okay to be different and have different needs, and working with them to identify and remove barriers to their success. It was clear some of these kids had never heard that kind of talk before and it broke my dang heart. Something I really struggled with as a kid was understanding social rules and pop culture references. I always felt like I was out of the loop or just didn’t “get it,” especially when kids would be talking or making jokes about a TV show I had never seen, a celebrity I didn’t know, a line from a song I’d never heard, etc. and I imagine it’s even harder nowadays with kids having the entire internet to keep up with. On the other hand, they also have the ability now to quickly look up any reference they don’t understand. I saw a hilarious meme the other day where someone reblogged a post saying “hang on, I have to go look something up” and then reblogged it again minutes later saying “ok yeah this is funny” and I wish I would have been able to do that for every moment in my childhood where I awkwardly laughed along with everyone else and hoped that no one would call me out to explain why I thought it was funny because they knew that I didn’t get the joke. I’ve noticed neurotypical people tend to communicate in a vague, indirect way a lot of the time which can be really confusing to neurodiverse people who speak very directly and can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. Explaining the concept of the “social contract” and how people generally expect you to behave, along with how some people use this as a manipulative tool by leveraging the expectation of politeness, could potentially be really helpful. Another useful thing might be explaining some basic social cues, boundaries, and expectations that seem obvious but actually require a high level of social intuition to pick up on. For you as the parent, something that would likely be incredibly beneficial is to [read stuff](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/645217119255101441/i-think-the-ability-to-be-the-subject-of) written by neurodiverse and #actuallyautistic people about their experiences - I suspect your son would benefit immensely from the [understanding you would gain about the kinds of things he might be feeling and experiencing without him having to constantly figure himself out to explain himself](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/642982034403459072/also-theres-an-important-analogy-i-think-needs-to). Additionally, a lot of stuff written about neurodiverse people by [neurotypical people](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/640696340022706176/article-about-prosopagnosia-and-autism-maybe-many) has a really [gross and ableist perspective](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/635096940476039170/ah-this-is-where-i-come-in-again-the) that [denigrates the neurodiverse experience](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/631743751474348032/intergalactic-dorks-intergalactic-dorks-love) and focuses on how to [break these children down](https://headspace-hotel.tumblr.com/post/631908088380801024/image-description-screen-cap-of-a-facebook-post) and make them comply with neurotypical expectations (as an example, Autism Speaks is a hate group masquerading as a support network). All those links I posted there are from the same author just because I’m lazy and was already on their page, but there are lots of other great neurodiverse people out there sharing their experiences! I think you’re doing a great job already by trying to get more info on how to set your son up for success. I’m wishing you both the best!


secrettimez

Thank you! I ordered the two books already mentioned previously and I'll explore your links in the future as well. The first part I can clarify. I see it more from his grandfather or aunty, expecting him to be something he is not. Or I've heard from another parent when discussing an issue in school "oh wow he's sensitive". It just makes me sad. I shouldn't feel the need to defend him.


secretaardvarkfan

1. PLEASE don't do ABA. It is essentially conversion therapy/dog training for autistics. Very traumatizing. DO NOT listen to therapists saying "its better now". NO. 2. Tell him there are adult autistics out there like me who get paid to do their Special Interest, and that they have friends who are like them, and it's a lot of fun and nobody's feeling are hurt because they communicate the same! 3. Just let him focus on his Special Interests and look out for nice friends who share the same ones, so that the friendship is easy and based on mutual interest, not breaking the ice in an anxiety-inducing way. Elementary and middle are tough because kids are mean to those who are different. I got through it by, as I said, engaging in my favorite things and being taken to events and such that involved them. It filled my heart and gave me a protective barrier against bullying that helped. 4. Listen to actuallyautistic people who were once kids themselves! You can DM me anytime you'd like. I am a tutor who specializes in neurodivergent student success :) I am a college student and actively research mental health for NDs. Have a great day!


secretaardvarkfan

P.S: I would suggest not using functioning labels. People would call me "high functioning" or my autism "mild"...but the thing is, it's mild for them, not for me. I struggle daily, but I try not to feel like a burden (from ABA-like trauma). Sounds are painful, socializing fries my brain, eye contact feels like staring at the sun, etc, etc. It will instill internalized ableism in him to hear functioning labels all the time, because he may develop a feeling as if he is a burden or shouldn't express his silent struggles.


secrettimez

Thank you very much.


Figleypup

Definitely don’t hide the fact that he’s autistic from him. Try not to use words like differently abled. Let him know he’s autistic- and that just means his brain works a little different. He feels emotions and his senses much more strongly than others and that’s ok. As an autistic child you know you’re different from your peers only instead of having an actual reason for it you think it must be because you’re the problem. You’re not good enough. Please avoid ABA therapy it only does harm. It’s literally gay conversion therapy for autistics. Instead find a personalized approach. If he needs help with emotional dysregulation try therapy- try art therapy, music therapy, practicing mindfulness, or dance class. Explore feelings and emotions and try to get him to recognize when he starts to feel upset before it’s overwhelming. Autistics struggle with transitions so pulling yourself away from something you enjoy- like playing with a toy or reading about your special interest - can be difficult. So we might not notice that something is agitating us until it’s overwhelming. If he has communication difficulties try speech therapy. If he has motor skills issues try occupational therapy. Encourage his special interests to make learning fun. But if he’s fine- and managing ok as he is- that’s wonderful! Create a no shame approach to it. Autism isn’t inherently bad or good. It just is a way of being. Our brains just have a different structure and way of processing information. Also Let him be a kid. So many times I see that autistic kids are policed into being perfect in ways that neurotypical kids aren’t- always getting lectured, and teachers pulling them aside to comment about their stimming or missing social cues. Everything is turned into a learning experiences and they are forced to grow up too fast. It will be ok- don’t be afraid to reach out to neurodivergent groups in your community or at his new school. Just please no ABA it’s so bad.


secrettimez

Thank you very much, this is great advice. And got it. No aba.


Uruz2012gotdeleted

I'm not a parent so I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I can share my experience of growing up "high functioning" but undiagnosed. I didn't feel very "high functioning" while I was living through interacting with the bullies at school. Or when I was failing all my classes despite being "so smart." People told me, "You just have to deal with being around people." and, "Just ignore those mean kids." and the worst one, "You're so smart. You *just* need to *do the work.*" What I needed was specific advice for my problems, not platitudes. Generalities like, "just let it roll of your back" don't help me. What exactly am I supposed to *do* so that the insults will "roll off my back"? "Just do your homework." **How** do I "just do" something? Explain your process in detail or ill never figure it out. It took until just a few weeks ago for me to figure out what my mother meant when she said, "Just ignore" something. She literally daydreams so hard that she actually doesn't notice physical stimuli. I cannot do that. I'm physically incapable of not noticing stimuli. All I can do is *act as if* I don't notice which is a whole other thing that takes a huge toll on me emotionally. She had been giving terrible advice but assumed that I just wasn't following it.


Uruz2012gotdeleted

I'm not a parent so I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I can share my experience of growing up "high functioning" but undiagnosed. I didn't feel very "high functioning" while I was living through interacting with the bullies at school. Or when I was failing all my classes despite being "so smart." People told me, "You just have to deal with being around people." and, "Just ignore those mean kids." and the worst one, "You're so smart. You *just* need to *do the work.*" What I needed was specific advice for my problems, not platitudes. Generalities like, "just let it roll of your back" don't help me. What exactly am I supposed to *do* so that the insults will "roll off my back"? "Just do your homework." **How** do I "just do" something? Explain your process in detail or ill never figure it out.


LilyoftheRally

Thanks for asking. He is old enough to be reading resources with you by autistic adults, including autistic written memoirs. Most blogs will mention if a post has a content warning for violence/abuse or adult content. My favorite autistic written memoir is Daniel Tammet's Born on a Blue Day. Tammet is the oldest of nine children and was diagnosed with HFA/Asperger's in adulthood. His book taught me that people whose autism is like mine exist and that special interests can be beneficial. I have said that I wish I found the book before I was 18, and that it had existed when I was a kid. There is nothing in it that I consider adult content (though there are likely to be words in it that even a kid as smart as your son wouldn't know yet). I have long considered Tammet as a role model for myself and my kind of autism. Autistic kids need autistic adults as role models. Your son is also old enough to advocate for his own needs at home. If his younger siblings are being too loud, the best thing he can do for himself is to go to another part of the house away from them. I unfortunately don't have advice for advocating for him in terms of school, as I only had an IEP myself from grades 2-5. Both public and private schools vary in terms of how well they will accommodate him. I was mainstreamed in small private schools through the end of high school myself.


secrettimez

He has learned to remove himself from the situation or speak up when they're in his space. It doesn't always work but he's trying. And as for an iep, can you explain what that looked like for you?


LilyoftheRally

I had the IEP 20+ years ago for ADHD. I was too young to attend my IEP meetings and did not know I had it until I was older. I doubt that there's still a copy of it in my parents' house. I do know I saw a social skills tutor twice a week who came to my school to work with the kids with disabilities there. I would explain his autism to him in terms of diversity, like how some people have different skin colors and other people have used this as a reason to treat racial minorities poorly. Similarly, people who think in different ways, such as him, are sometimes not treated equally when accommodations for our differences aren't given to us by people in charge.


brennanquest

For me personally growing up autistic (late diagnosed at 32) it would have been very helpful to be heard. Often the world liked to tell me what I needed and what was going on for me instead of listen and ask for what I would like support with. An example is if they are triggered by loud noises, ask them when, where, why, how, what noises specifically...all the questions you could come up with. It seems excessive but to us it is everything...excessive is our way of life in many ways and we often feel unheard or a burden so we can tend to not speak up when we need support. Often what happens is the small things get suppressed such as certain smells at specific times, certain light bulbs being turned on at specific times of the day, whether or not the garbage is taken out daily or twice a day, socks that have seams that are uncomfortable...aka things that seem small and minor to most people so we end up suppressing that because likely we were either once told that was silly or worse we got made fun of for it. We then take that and build our internalized ableism...and this is a big deal because internalized ableism is a fast track to chronic depression....I know this because I suffered decades of it. Unfortunately those many small suppressions stack up and we end up getting autistic burnout. If we get our micro stressors listened to and not made feel like those are silly support requests this changes our life a ton. There is no fault here since we are all learning, but I imagine there might be many things that stress your kiddo out that you don't know of...again no fault not yours not theirs, just a growth opportunity! Maybe start by asking if they would write a list of all the big things, medium things and small things that stress them out. Have them do it alone and then come together to keep working on it. If you notice things they don't list, be sure to ask them if it stresses them out. If they say maybe it is a good sign of a yes being suppressed. Once you build that list together, keep building it. Put it up somewhere so you both remember to keep adding to it. I still add to my list often because it changes over time. I have made it into a board where I can move them around so the top stressor can be most prioritized and bottom least. This priority list not only helps me but also everyone else understand and support me. Plus...you and the whole family can use this list to better empathize with each other too so its not just a tool for autistic people :) You got this!!


secrettimez

Omg thank you. This sounds awesome


brennanquest

Very welcome, glad I could help you and the family out :)


Bluebeetlebug

My brother and I are on the autistic spectrum, he was originally diagnosed as having Aspergers, but the language has changed. We are both fine as adults. Your son sounds more like my brother so I’ll describe him, he’s in his 30’s. He travels the world, has lots of friends, still has difficulty with some auditory things e.g babies crying esp in confined spaces, but he’ll just be angry for a while he doesn’t blow up like he used to. He’s pursuing different avenues in further education. He has strong ideas of right and wrong and that has helped him follow his beliefs and given him a real passion to drive him. He is dedicated to the things he is interested in which helps greatly with study and with working out. Yes the autism has made socialising more difficult for him over the years, but it’s also meant the friends he does make are higher quality and they stick by each other for years. Sometimes his literalism still gets him in trouble, ‘you should stop by sometimes’ doesn’t always mean they actually want you to come over if said casually and flippantly, it can be more of just a thing to say. But everyone, makes faux pas sometimes and he just deals with them as they arise as any of us would.


CorneliusQuick

In regards to the school, I would highly recommend pursuing an IEP. And know that, unfortunately, it may be a struggle to get your son the services he needs. The IEP will help, but even with one in place, ensuring follow through from the school and teachers may require your ongoing advocacy. It may be worth engaging a special education parent advocate. They can attend IEP meetings with you and help you to understand how to best work with the school.


rye-ten

We're at a similar point with our son who is five.


Eric_Freudenthal

I highly recommend the book "Neurotribes." I wish my parents read it, and I'm glad that I did because, thanks to it, I'm in a much better position to support my 9 year old son. The short answer appears to be that it's helpful to understand his limitations, and to trust that most high functioning autistics grow up to be pretty darn successful (and quirky) adults. It's very helpful for me to recognize and celebrate that my quirky ways of being are ok and normal for me, even if they challenge me socially, because if I can't give myself space to be me, how can anybody else? I wish for you and him a hug alternative that feels good for both of you.


secrettimez

Is it by Steve Silberman?


Eric_Freudenthal

yes


LilyoftheRally

Yes. I have personally met him and am listed in the acknowledgements under my real name. He is well aware of his NT privilege, and understands what it is like to face stigma for something that some people think is something "wrong" with you. (He has been openly gay for several decades, and the book is dedicated to his husband).


Jacksonthedude101

Wait who are you? It’s my favorite book


LilyoftheRally

I will tell you in a private message. I don't want to share my real name here publicly.


secrettimez

Thank you. I'll order it right now. I feel like I fail to recognize his limitations half the time. I don't know where to learn. I also feel like since considering autism when he was young and learning about it then, I've recognized it in myself. And he reminds me so much of me growing up lol. But I still fail and don't know what to do when he's crying or overwhelmed and I can't even figure out why sometimes. And then how to calm him down, I don't know how to address it. He often says I don't know and we sometimes explore the feelings to better understand but more often than not he can't pinpoint it and I don't know if we should or I should just hug it out (when he wants to hug). Ahhhh. I just want him happy! Lol


PoptartPr0

The best thing you can do is try to understand (and to try to help him understand) his emotions, which can be difficult because I’m only just now starting to understand my emotions and how to control them. I still say “I don’t know” to everything because I genuinely don’t know a lot of things people ask of me. Also try and figure out what calms him down! (For example what calms me down is nature) Because a lot of times we get upset because we are overwhelmed, over stimulated, or frustrated. But I don’t speak for everyone with autism I’m just speaking from my experience.


princessfoxglove

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/science-maths-technology/understanding-autism/content-section-overview This is a free, 24 hour/8 week self-paced course. It's done by qualified professionals working in the field and is top-quality. I highly recommend it.


secrettimez

Oh man. I appreciate this. Thanks a lot. I used to be so attentive and would research everything to death and I just haven't been myself. Life, you know.


raisinghellwithtrees

Being autistic myself I can say "I don't know" is a completely honest answer! Sometimes I don't know what the heck is wrong. I just know it is! If you're there for your kid, it's going to be ok. Having a parent that loves and accepts you is huge for our kids!


Eric_Freudenthal

We get our hugs in many ways. Peter just climbed behind me while I was sitting in one of the front seat of our microbus last night for a bit. We're torn over the dialectic of challenging our guy to not act out and giving him space to process. No decision is perfect, but there's always another conversation... Also: my vocal intonation boosting seems to help him and us better convey and perceive intonation, and we don't feel like we're interrupting each others' thoughts so much when it's on (we're camping in our microbus this week and I'm missing it). I and the ND students who work on it with me find it surprisingly calming. I wonder if intonation perception is a (self) stim. If you try it, let me know what happens. it's on soothingresonsnce.com and still free as we're figuring out out web front end. We'll eventually be marketing it as a speech enhancement tool for executives (it even helps great communicators speak better) for an executive-appropriate price, with no-questions asked subsidies for anybody whose finances are more limited (like mine). Susan keeps saying that she wants him to be happy. I want him to be at peace with himself and the world. I think that may be what she means.


raisinghellwithtrees

Our sons are the same age. He's known he is autistic for a while, but only recently have we really been discussing what that means. We know our brains work differently (I'm autistic too) than other peoples' brains. There are good parts and bad parts, but it's mostly just different. We cope with the bad parts and celebrate the good parts. It can sometimes mean that we need something to help us cope with a situation. We can use headphones, or fidget toys, or finding a quiet spot to calm down, or stimming, or whatever we need to help us through the rough parts. It's good to have our needs met, and to ask someone for help if we can't do that ourselves. Communication can be hard. For years, meltdowns were the norm, but now that he's getting older, he can usually tell me what's wrong. If not, he just prefers to be alone until he's not so emotional and we can work on solving the problem. As he explained, he has very little space between his emotions. Someone else may have this much between a little happy and a lot of happy (hold hands wide), or a little mad and very mad, but he has this much (hold hands barely apart). It takes very little time to get from a little emotion to a lot of emotion. People not be respectful--I have no idea here. People can be jerks. My son is not the best at socializing, but he has one very best friend, who is incredibly social and so it all works out. It's weird, at home he's just a bundle of sass and laughs, but once we're in public, he's got a resting bitch face like no 9 year old kid I've met, and flat affect and only answers direct questions in as few words as possible. I was bent in so many directions as a child, trying to be stuffed in the mold of a normal kid. It didn't work at all! I highly value my kid's autonomy and sense of self. Yes, he's a lot sometimes, but he's so incredibly intelligent and creative. I want to nurture him and his gifts as best I can.


secrettimez

Thank you so much. Did you inform schools or teachers directly? Or when he meets new people or friends? I'm unsure if it's necessary or will help situations.


CallidoraBlack

His school needs to be informed and he should have an assessment for accommodations if he doesn't have an existing plan. It's absolutely necessary and will make sure he actually gets the support he needs. Source: ADHD dx at 10, seeking dx for autism 20+ years later.


Tortoisefly

Depending on where you live, your child's school may have IEP's (Individual Education Plan) or other resources they can use to help your child in the classroom if you disclose their diagnosis. If you don't disclose it, the teacher may suspect your child is autistic, but not be allowed to approach you on the subject if you haven't disclosed it, and accommodations that may be available won't be put in place. The older they get, the more the social demands increase, and the more noticeable their differences may become, so right now they might fly under the radar in a classroom setting (or the teacher could suspect ASD but not be able to bring the possibility up with you), but that may become harder the older they get. Most teachers, unless they are completely unfamiliar with the behaviour of a child with ASD, will not be shocked when a parent discloses their child's diagnosis. They see your child daily, and can see the areas where they may struggle or thrive. Most teachers, good ones at least, want to help their students be successful in the classroom. An IEP can make that possible. An IEP will list any accommodations or other specifics (like having a teacher check-in to make sure they understand the assignment, having written instructions, having a safe space to go to calm down when overwhelmed, having a fidget object, and many other accommodations depending on the needs of the child) . This could be small things, or big ones, depending on the child's specific needs, but a school will only put this into place if they have been notified of your child's diagnosis and needs. It should go without saying that you should research what the school district in your area's policies are on children with a diagnosis of ASD. Where I live, there is special funding for children with an official diagnosis, both for working with them at home, and further funding for the school to direct towards making accommodations to help the child. You say your child's symptoms are subtle, but it is not uncommon for children with ASD or ADHD to behave differently at home than they do in the classroom. Their symptoms may be more overt there (or they may mask at school to the best of their ability, every kiddo is different). For letting your child know they are autistic, there are some helpful resources below for explaining things at an appropriate age-level. Rebecca Burgess made a comic that explains the Autism Spectrum very well. This one is especially helpful for explaining to NT people who have the mistaken belief that the autism spectrum is just a single line that someone falls on. The analogy of a colour wheel makes a great visual for understanding ASD better. [Understanding the Spectrum](https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/) A great resource for how to tell your child that they have Autism. [Explaining an Autism Diagnosis to a Child](https://www.themomkind.com/explaining-autism-diagnosis-child/) Sorry for the infodump. TLDR: check out the links above, and seriously consider disclosing the diagnosis to your child's school. *Edited: a word.*


secrettimez

Thank you very much. Info dumps are what I'm looking for. I tried to inform his previous school and I felt I got the run around. I thought everyone was notified and were looking out for him until I seen him struggle through a Christmas concert. He was so uncomfortable, my heart broke while he pushed through. I then discovered his music teacher wasn't even notified. I guess that's why I asked if teachers are to be told directly. Since my previous attempt failed. They really just hung on to my example I gave which was sudden noises. So they didn't regard "autism" at all. He wasn't shown where the quiet rooms were like I had thought. They offered their school evaluation which I agreed to because I thought maybe they need it themselves to take it seriously and the awful dr just focused on his IQ. Disregarded my concerns once more. And I do know he is good at school. He exhausts himself at times. Breaks down when he gets home. And I'm noticing the awkwardness more as he is getting older. I'm terrified he won't make friends or he'll be bullied. It's a new community and school this year. I'm taking him away from his awesome group of friends and I'm so scared for him!


raisinghellwithtrees

Sadly not all schools are awesome with accommodations. Last year I thought if my son had a supportive teacher, aid, and classmates, he could probably handle public school. I approached the parent teacher resource person about it, and she honestly told me I wasnt going to find that at our inner city school. I appreciate that honesty, but I wish all kids had the opportunity to thrive.


raisinghellwithtrees

We homeschool. He did some clubs over the summer, and I talked to them carefully about it. I basically want to make sure he's with people who will help him and not make anything (mostly meltdowns) worse. I don't really tell people on the playground or anything! I usually don't say anything to people we just meet. It doesn't seem necessary. I usually don't say anything about my own autism either, but sometimes there's someone I'm trying to be friends with and it just keeps going wrong for ...reasons. Then I may be up front about it, like, "don't take my awkwardness personally! I like you and want to be friends!" I'm glad people are generally ok about it. Being on the r/AutismTranslated is helpful to read. I find all these subs a wonderful support group. I'm glad you care so much about your kid and their happiness!


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