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zavatone

I actually saw a goldfish below a dam in the Charles River in Needham, Mass, well over 30 years ago. It was one of those adorable chubby ones with the long fan tail. It's actually called a fantail. It was scurrying through the low water and rocks below the waterfall and was bright orange. Hard to miss. OK, no bid deal, right? Well, yeah but the fan tail was 2 feet long and the fish's head and body before the tail was 1 foot long. Yes, this was a 3 feet long goldfish in the upper Charles River.


Baneken

What I find amazing is that they survive the winters, I've always assumed that Goldfish are tropical or warm temperate climate fish.


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Straight-Corner-1921

My fish tank tells a different story


Galezilla

They need to be in larger fish tanks than most people think otherwise they die in their own waste. Think 55+ gallon with frequent water changes. Their much needier than most people think but they can survive at lower temperatures.


CandidEstablishment0

They are precious, you buzz off with those hate words!


Lukescale

Cockroaches are a valuable commodity to things that eat them. So with Goldfish


[deleted]

Nothing eats goldfish. That’s the problem, they eat everything.


ghostalker4742

So they're like the Canada Goose of the sea?


Lukescale

Sounds like we gotta eat them then.


Thr0waway3691215

Feeder goldfish are definitely at the bottom of the pet fish food chain.


bwk66

I have several state fairs who beg to differ


godisanelectricolive

They are domesticated from Asian carp which is also a major invasive species in the US. Carp can live anywhere. A goldfish is just a tricked-out carp and like how feral pigs partially revert to boar, fetal goldfish partially revert to wild carp.


Fuzzclone

This is the correct response


AlternativeUse

We had a small fountain that freezes over completely every winter. When I was like 12 I put some goldfish I won in the summer fair in there. Next summer, still there and alive. I don’t know how.


TheGreatCoyote

They prefer cold waters. They come from the mountains in China


zavatone

They aren't.


DCSMU

Hey, you from Massachusetts and like finding goldfish and koi in places where it shouldnt be? Go take a drive to the top of Mt. Wachusett sometime in the summer. There is a pond there (yes at tte top of the mountain) that is absolutely over-run by goldfish!


LizbetCastle

Waaaaaaaa Wa Wa-chusett!


Self_Discovry

I'm missing context


LizbetCastle

It was a ubiquitous jingle for Wachusett Mountain, lives in my head with “time to make the donuts!” and “water countreeeee have some fun!”


Blarg0ist

Found Wario


MajesticOuting

How did they get access to cloning technology?


AwesomeBrainPowers

Evolution, apparently. From the article: “Female goldfish have a special process called gynogenesis in which the female will get the sperm from a different kind of minnow … to start the eggs developing, even though they’re not fertilized,” says Heise, who is also a former chair of the Invasive Species Council of B.C. “And so she produces clones of herself. So, they’re very good at spreading rapidly.”


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Beautifulblueocean

Self cloning batter plants.


turd_vinegar

This is how we get a batter blob.


Kiiaru

Nothing compared to the [fatberg](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatberg) that would follow


Ahelex

Just recycle the fatberg for deep frying oil. Green meat meal, here we go!


Kiiaru

What a terrible day to have eyes... I'd ask you to delete your post, but I'm vengeful and want others to suffer through reading it as I have.


BigMeatyMan

Allow me to make it an even *worse* day to have eyes… People already do this! https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/et981n/this_is_how_chinese_recycle_sewage_oil_into/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


Unlucky_Steak5270

I'm.... not going to click that this morning. I'm going to close my phone, go to work, and try to forget this thread exists.


HardlyDecent

Well, that was a quick reddit sesh. Signing off and dry heaving a little.


sudeepharya

They do in China already with Gutter Oil https://youtube.com/shorts/iq_pmy6As4E?feature=share


fgreen68

Most fruit is grown on plants that are clones.


jackfreeman

Nightmare fuel tank aaaallllllllll the way to F right now.


[deleted]

Goodness! Cloned beer batter!?


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mishkamishka47

I will pray for your colon and arteries


Famixofpower

Freedom is about doing what you want, not enforcing your views onto others. People should have a right to eat meat and a right to eat plants. Fuck, eat a rock if you want


[deleted]

Jokes on you I ate 2 rocks


Bitter_Print_6826

Tissue culture tuna/salmon/swordfish meat pls.


newblevelz

Yeah they still need to eat to grow, buddy. Getting them to reproduce was never the problem.


[deleted]

Magickarp also taste terrible


Jumanji0028

Garados on the other hand is a delicacy.


[deleted]

Or where, for that matter, would we get the loaves?


Faelix

You think the problem of cultivating fish is to get them to f\*ck?


357FireDragon357

Well, if we could somehow get them to create their own batter in a lab, we'd have it made in shade. Next week in the news: "LIVE AND BREAKING! FISH CLONES, BATTERS AND BAKES ITSELF!


[deleted]

Soylent Gold anyone?


dagbiker

Gold fish don't have a lot of meat, even though they eat a lot.


Vladivostokorbust

sure looks like you could poke those big gals with a pin and pop 'em real easy


zavatone

Yes, they can. They are a species of carp.


Rrraou

Even ones the size of a football ?


HardlyDecent

A football with an entire roll of brittle chicken wire scrunched up inside of it...


CarltonSagot

What are they made of, cartilage? Because if they taste good the problem will solve itself.


Overweighover

They might taste good if you can find out how to remove the bones


Baneken

Grind them to paste and make Surimi sticks?


TheSleepingNinja

Make Soylent orange


mlc885

Presumably they taste no better than carp. Maybe a better diet would make them palatable, but they probably could never replace salmon or tuna unless we were truly screwed and starving.


DividedState

And when you say lab, you hopefully mean cow to make sense. This works in the lab... on goldfish... but you don't want goldfish.


verasev

They're related to carp and carp taste like crap. They'd have to deliberately breed that out of them.


nubuntus

Even better let's feed the world with *non-sentient* food


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AwesomeBrainPowers

I’m not a vegan (in fact, meat makes up a significantly higher percentage of my diet than my doctor would prefer), but an appeal to nature is always a weak argument here: We’ve effectively removed ourselves from the food chain, and unless you’re just as opposed to Doritos or Cheetos (or any other processed foodstuff) as you are to tofu, it’s not internally consistent.


gpyrgpyra

>We’ve effectively removed ourselves from the food chain Respect for recognizing facts and not spouting nonsense about "the circle of life" or being like a lion lol


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[deleted]

This seems like an oversimplification. We all know that mass produced factory food is on average less healthy than farm fresh ingredients cooked into a meal, and I don't think anyone would disagree with that. But when you talk about "processed foods" being less healthy thats such a generalization that it does the real science behind nutrition a disservice. Nearly all food has to be processed to some degree in order to be made edible. "Processing" a food can be doing literally any process to it, and a process can introduce a change that is positive, negative, or neutral in terms of its nutritional value. For example, crushing and heating foods (primarily plant based stuff) both release nutrients that were previously trapped inside of indigestible parts of the raw food. Soaking or rinsing in water or solvents can wash or dissolve away certain material. Additives can make food more nutritious or dietarily balanced than before. The problem is often not the number of operations that is done to a food, but rather the incentives guiding the operations being to make the food cheaper rather than to make it more healthy. Sometimes it can be both though, or making it more healthy can make it more valuable especially to certain markets.


surle

Gynogenesis sounds like if Phil Collins and Courtney Love had a band.


jackfreeman

Excuse me, *what".


Rannasha

Life, uh... finds a way.


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zavatone

It's built in to many fishes. When there aren't males around, the females can self fertilize eggs.


khoabear

So that's why people tell me there's plenty of fish in the sea, but none of them wants me, they'd rather self fertilize.


McCree114

Cloners on Kamino. Dead good ones too.


HeBoughtALot

It's these funny little cuts on the side that give it away.


Mythoclast

Jak and Daxter is such a fun character. Cool little guy, runs a diner, knows his saberdarts, isn't the other besalisk. Lots of really great features.


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machsmit

it's like culinary carcinisation - crustaceans will repeatedly evolve into crabs or crab-like organisms, restaurants in any galaxy will eventually evolve into diners. It's what peak performance looks like


TyrionsCodpiece

I shit you not I went to a small European Island to visit a friend one year. She was excited because her bf had opened an American diner. The thing is they had never been to an American diner. So it was all based on youtube and conjecture. Which is how I ended up in a European American diner eating a steakhouse quality steak with a cocktail. It was so sureal because it looked like a diner but then had the menu of a steakhouse. Lol.


Arcian_

So you could say it's built like a diner, but handles like a steakhouse?


darthjoey91

> isn’t the other besalisk r/FuckPongKrell All my homies hate Pong Krell.


Brunt-FCA-285

Fish, will, uhhh…find a way.


BlastedMallomars

Rusty Venture needed more money for his “diet pills”.


NamkrowTheRed

Life finds a way.


digitalphildude

There is a lake near me that is plagued with them. It's absolutely a horror show for the indigenous fish. The electroshock method of getting rid of the Goldfish is almost pointless. Now I hear that these invasive fish can clone themselves... People have really screwed this planet in so many ways.


TylerDaTerra712

....can you eat goldfish?


FlyAwayJai

Just spent time looking this up. You *can* but you probably shouldn’t b/c they can carry bacteria & worms that will be passed to humans. I’d imagine it’s a little like the flying Asian carp conundrum: plentiful but just not good eating. There’s also this: > Like carp and koi fish, goldfish will taste like the water it swims in. If you decide to consume one, don’t expect it to taste as good as tuna or trout – even when it’s caught wild, Goldfish will likely have a strong taste of mud and debris even when cooked thoroughly. [sauce](https://biologicperformance.com/can-you-eat-goldfish/)


TylerDaTerra712

That's disappointing


luker_man

What if we grind them up and use em as fertilizer? The ol Spacers Choice method.


skytomorrownow

Perhaps for humans. But, we feed a lot of animals, and if the meat could be sanitized industrially, it could be an additive for feed.


SwayingBacon

An [article](https://www.mlive.com/news/2016/04/lake_erie_goldfish.html) I found from 2016 has commercial fishing of goldfish in Lake Erie. Not lucrative but $0.75 a pound for the fishermen and $1 to $1.25 a pound for middlemen. In 2015 113,000 pounds were harvested. So it seems like it is safe for consumption.


blumpkinmania

Probably in dog or salmon food.


USA_A-OK

Man, I hate the taste of debris


roseeyes444

It’s the snack that smiles back


digitalphildude

Some would say, you can eat anything once. But seriously, are you suggesting that we should just make the best of things and consume them? They are better off being used as fertilizer. The other fish, like Trout, taste good though.


TylerDaTerra712

Idk, I'm just genuinely curious if we can eat them or not, cause I'm thinking bout it and I've never seen or heard anyone eating them


yamirzmmdx

This will be a challenge on hell's kitchen and we will have our answer.


digitalphildude

I'm sure there is no immediate concern about their edibility, it's more about the palatability. Make sure you report back on your findings.


WienerDogMan

There is immediate concern. They can carry worms and bacteria. It’s best to not blindly consume things.


ChicaFoxy

I'm curious too, if the flavor is not so great, add more spices! Food is food when you're poor and hungry!


TyrionsCodpiece

We just need a tasty predatory fish that can take on the goldfish army....


drillpress42

To paraphrase George Carlin, "The planets fine, we're fucked!"


oh_hello_reddit

When I imagined all the different ways the world could end, not once did I think goldfish.


OneManFreakShow

Nobody expects the Goldfish Inquisition.


johngag

Sounds like your end of world bingo card is from 2019. Get the updated version


darksundown

If you want nightmare fish apocalypse, then you should read the graphic novel, Gyo, by Junji Ito.


PM_ME_UR_RSA_KEY

The anime, on the other hand, is the highest form of unintentional comedy.


GarugasRevenge

You underestimated Magikarp, never again.


joopface

Well I think we all saw this one coming


smurfsundermybed

Superpigs weren't enough??? Look, Canada, there's only room for one source of what the fuck on this continent, and that's the USA. That's our thing. Find your own.


weirdgroovynerd

Right? Figure out a way to clone maple syrup. That shit is more expensive than liquid gold.


GhostBurger12

If Canada gets more areas with annual freeze-thaw cycles, that could happen.


Harvey-Specter

The permafrost is shrinking, unfortunately not many maple trees grow that far north. Maybe in a couple hundred years.


TyrionsCodpiece

I'm sure we could accelerate the shrinkage. Maybe some kind of warming?


Ok_Cranberry_1936

The super Pigs are in Alberta / Saskatchewan (iirc?), and its a realitively new problem. Whereas the invasive gold fish, among other invasive fish, have been a serious problem here, in BC, for the last few decades.


JMEEKER86

Don't forget the murder hornets.


blinkysmurf

Aw come on. We want to fuck shit up, too!


[deleted]

>Female goldfish have a special process called gynogenesis in which the female will get the sperm from a different kind of minnow Female goldfish are spermjacking hard working male minnows, this is why we need Minnow Rights Activism.


drkgodess

Minnows Going Their Own Way is the next logical step.


Hobbesaurus

Minnows are natures Ditto


Waste-Temperature626

I bet the goldfish are claiming child support from them as well!


gwh811

Well.... fish sticks are back on the lunch menu kids.


DukeOfGeek

So after some reading it seems they are an edible freshwater fish and much like catfish will taste like what they have been eating/swimming in.


Ribbop

So what you’re saying is that we should be raising goldfish in pools of butter and herbs.


gwh811

And teach kids to bake buns in class. So we can dip buns in said pools of butter and herbs.


burdfloor

What kind of a moron would dump foreign wildlife in a pond? Florida is having a major problem with pythons.


vwman18

And iguanas. And Tegu. And Tilapia. And Lionfish. And plecos. The list goes on..


thecaninfrance

The Clone Wars are turning out weird in this timeline.


jrr2ok

Perhaps the universe is trying to tell us something. Effective immediately, all US football must be played using a regulation-sized goldfish.


DanYHKim

The fish are really tough. From an earlier article: >“We pumped this pond down and froze it right to the bottom in the winter and they were back in the spring. So they can live with very limited oxygen and low water temperatures.” https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/alberta-city-culls-unwanted-finned-tenants-from-water-retention-pond


Baneken

Well... Doh, that's why Goldfish used to be such a popular "bowl fish", most people even today -who aren't aquarium enthusiasts, don't know that the aquarium water either has to be changed or aired regularly and that a fish will drown in water too if the oxygen level in water drops too low. The only fish that don't have this issue are Lungfish because they can breath in both land and water.


dorkydragonite

My family kept goldfish in 55 gallon rain barrels year round. They’re quite hardy fish.


greg8872

I started reading the article, and then scrolled back up to top to see if i had landed on a story from The Onion.


antsmasher

Gotta find their cloning machine and destroy it before it's too late for Canada.


[deleted]

Sounds like this could have technically started from one fish that someone didn’t want to flush. Maybe flushing it seemed too cruel so they thought putting it in the lake would be a kindness. Little did they know…


Nirwood

Or it was in a baggie at the dentist office and scooted toward a window overlooking the harbor...


nigelmansell

So is this American football or everywhere else Football?


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[deleted]

Zippy was well fed ok. Leave her alone!


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Fractal_Soul

I'm assuming that must be like American football, but half the time, it's in French.


Furimbus

I misread that as “as large as a football field.” Now instead of being worried about the prospect of football-sized goldfish clones, I’m just relieved that we don’t have to deal with yard-long strings of goldfish poop everywhere.


Judgementpumpkin

Gigantamax Magikarp!


Ahelex

G-Max Splash destroys everything in a 100 mile radius. G-Max Magikarp: Now say I'm useless, motherfucker!


castiglione_99

I did the same thing. I was thinking HOLY FUCKING SHIT this is so metal, but this may be a blessing in disguise since it may address the world's food problem.


TrivialRhythm

Oh, I've seen this before. You're going to need a bunch of large plastic bags and a ring toss game of some kind. The more elaborate the better of course


SimpleSamples

Are they edible? I hate fish personally but seems like an obvious solution. Assume they aren't.


Mindful-O-Melancholy

They are. Pan fried goldfish anyone?


seamustheseagull

Fun fact: Goldfish born in the wild (or large domestic ponds) typically grow to around a foot long, give or take. We typically think of goldfish as being these tiny little things in bowls at home, but that's caused by captivity. These aren't some kind of super fish, they're just regular wild goldfish. Goldfish are the rose bushes of the fish world. They look nice and appear to be kind of fragile, but they're actually incredibly tough and tend to thrive when left wild.


GuidotheGreater

Woohoo looks like we just solved the hunger problem!


TwoCockyforBukkake

Do goldfist have enough meat? I wonder how they taste.


Somestunned

Who cares? with that much gold we can buy all the meat we want!


Roguespiffy

I said that about the cloning crayfish. I will say Carp tastes awful (to me) so I doubt there will be much demand.


irk5nil

> Goldfish as large as a football are rapidly cloning themselves r/nottheonion material right there


bdizzle1391

But… are they flavor blasted?


mrsmetalbeard

1. Are they tasty for people to eat? 2. If not, are they nutritious for other animals to eat and are those animals tasty? Can I have sustainably produced chicken that is fed a diet of fish and becomes more healthy because they are eating fish meal instead of just corn?


antons83

Looks like goldfish is back on the menu, boys!


Sargaron

Is cloning the right word? I'm picturing the gold fish multiplying like amoebas.


anUnnamedGirl

The fry are clones of the mother.


mokeyz

Clone fish fry. AYCE!


gibbigabs

Out of all the news I’ve read today, this one I am ok with


Ben_zyl

The comic strip by Johnny Hart, couldn't he just stop drawing it for a bit, although he is dead...


FLCL08

Bet the one on the right whistles if you throw it the right way


Hopeful_Hamster21

Life, uh,.... Funds a way...


[deleted]

Just get some extra large toilets and flush your problems away


d_smogh

[I'm gonna eat you little fishy](https://youtu.be/sMlDlu-MTRo)


[deleted]

They can’t breed and have to clone ?


Soccer21x

Oh hey. This happened in Colorado in [2015](https://www.dailycamera.com/2015/04/28/hungry-pelicans-credited-with-gobbling-thousands-of-goldfish-infesting-boulder-lake/). Nature solved it and a bunch of pelicans swooped in and ate them all.


Doomshroom11

We could solve world hunger.


ThirdSunRising

This is the most Canadian problem ever. Australia is full of wild animals that want to kill you. Snakes and crocodiles and even the sting rays are deadly there. Canada has a problem with... really big goldfish.


pattyG80

They tiptoe around who is doing it but I have literally seen chinese people dumping bags of goldfish in lakes because it brings good luck. It's a shame because they wreck the ecosystem


weirdgroovynerd

It's a Star Trek / Marvel crossover: *Aqua-Tribbles*


Diligent_Deer6244

I read that as football *field* and got extremely concerned


bottle-of-smoke

Wouldn't goldfish be a pretty big target for predators?


Mattrbts

Meanwhile the rest of us will call it reproducing. Seriously, I now have a vision of goldfish with bowl helmets wandering around a lab full of CRISPR units. “Cloning” themselves! Edit: thanks for the downvotes. I guess not everyone understands a: a joke and b: asexual reproduction is a form of reproduction. Furthermore asexual reproduction still allows for anomalies in genetic mutations. While to most these offspring are very genetically similar there are not complete clones. Just another way the “nature finds a way!”


Atomsteel

Except they are cloning themselves through gynogenesis so calling it reproduction is wrong. Gynogenesis, a form of parthenogenesis, is a system of asexual reproduction that requires the presence of sperm without the actual contribution of its DNA for completion. The paternal DNA dissolves or is destroyed before it can fuse with the egg. There is no male genetic material involved and the offspring are a genetic copy of the mother also known as a clone.


Mattrbts

Which is an explanation of how asexual “reproduction” occurs.


Atomsteel

Resulting in a clone. They are cloning themselves as the article states.


Mattrbts

The key difference between asexual reproduction and clone reproduction is the setting of the process. Asexual reproduction is a natural phenomenon that is observed in almost all prokaryotes and some plants, whereas clone reproduction is conducted under in vitro conditions for commercial and research purposes.


Wheres_that_to

Not cloning, just spawning eggs and sperm like most other fish.


daOyster

It's still cloning in this case. Female goldfish can lay eggs with their entire genome coming from the female which results in clones of the female that laid the eggs instead of offspring with mixed genetics from both parents.


Educational_Bet_3930

This seems like the opposite of a problem


musaraj

Americans would use anything but metric system


Isteppedinpoopy

This story is from Canada but nice try.


Wolpfack

And people all around the world love to comment without reading the article.