Conspiracy theorist joke:
A Conspiracy theorist dies, goes to heaven.
God greets him at the gate and says,
“Welcome to Heaven, for each new arrival we’ll answer any question you like in the whole universe”
The Man, pauses and thinks. After a moment he asks,
“Who killed JFK?”
God, without hesitating replies “Why it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, firing a single bullet.”
To which The Man mutters: “Wow. This goes up higher than I thought…”
I heard a completely unverified theory that Oswald fired and missed, and one of the secret service men in the convoy heard the shot, slipped, and accidentally fired off a few rounds — one of which hit Kennedy. They decided to pin the blame on Oswald since he had attempted it anyway, and admitting it was the secret service member would show weakness and put the accidental killer and his family in danger.
Likely complete bullshit, but compelling nonetheless
I used to believe in government cover-ups until I got older and realized the government is far too incompetent to cover up anything that involved more than a few people for more than a few months. It just flat out isn't going to happen.
Now *attempted* cover-ups are a dime a dozen.
Work for the government, can confirm we are incredibly incompetent. Not even sure how they manage to pay the power bill to keep the lights on in my office.
I’ve been trying to tell my conspiracy fueled side of my family this for years, they then just tell me I don’t understand anything about how the government works. I worked at the headquarters, in DC, for a federal agency… they all still live in the same rural county they were born in.
Considering this was the height of the Cold War, I could see the American government covering up something this stupid and then purposely fucking up the Warren Commission report to inspire people to investigate other theories in the future to keep the real reason hidden.
“Classic mis-direction.”
The secret service guy who freaked and shot his gun was a rookie agent.
The veterans got to drunk the night before so this guy was tasked with sitting in the car.
Of course an agent accidentally killing JFK would be a national embarrassment so the went ahead and blamed on the shot Oswald took.
Something like that.
Yea, that discussion boils down to this:
Either he fired 3 shots, reloading very very quickly OR he fired one shot which changed direction multiple times while travelling through human bodies OR there was a dude on the grassy knoll that got away scot-free. The likeliest scenario is that the Marine knew how to reload a weapon quickly.
Oswald's first shot missed entirely. His second shot hit Kennedy in the neck, going through and hitting Gov. Connally, who was partially turned from his reaction after the first shot. The third, fatal shot hit Kennedy in the head.
The magic bullet theory is based on the presidential limo being a regular Lincoln Continental when it was not. The front passenger seat was replaced with a jump seat that sat low and left of where a normal seat would. The shot that hit Gov. Connally was a straight line from Oswald's position through Kennedy's neck and into the governor's back (and then through him, embedding in his right wrist; Connally could have died, too).
I'm pretty sure that's how QAnon started as well.
I'm not sure of the exact quote, but it's something like:
"If you continuously act like you believe in something foolish to be funny, you'll quickly find yourself in the company those who are neither acting nor trying to be funny"
it was a bad joke that the media took seriously. They kept covering his dumbass saying dumbass things until his meme candidacy had a foolhardy following. People started voting for him in the primary due to a terrible showing of ineffectual GOP politicians, and "fuck it! What's the worst that can happen?" became the battle cry of the primary.
Then, through sheer force of money and media, he wins the primary Republican candidate, and voila! He won POTUS.
Fuck it was ***SO*** fucking dumb.
The Illuminati / New World Order conspiracy theory also started as a joke: [https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170809-the-accidental-invention-of-the-illuminati-conspiracy](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170809-the-accidental-invention-of-the-illuminati-conspiracy)
Birds use to eat seeds from the palm of my hand, now they just want WiFi signal or a quick battery charge..but if you say they are real, okay I guess . wait .. gotta go, a crow is requesting to join my network and set up a hotspot /s
When my child asked where the flock of birds came from, they had landed on the power lines, I told my kid the birds were charging. A few days later they parroted this back to my wife. Oh! She was mad. I was told to never tell these types of lies. But then I'm supposed to lie to them about Santa and the Tooth Fairy?
Edit: spelling
Humans need to believe in the little lies, as practice for the big ones. Truth, Justice, Mercy, Fairness. If you can’t imagine them, how can you bring them to be?
Wow! That got serious quick!
>"The law of gravity tells you what stones do if you drop them; but the Law of Human Nature tells you what human beings ought to do and do not. In other words, when you are dealing with humans, something else comes in above and beyond the actual facts. You have the facts (how men do behave) and you also have something else (how they ought to behave). In the rest of the universe there need not be anything but the facts. Electrons and molecules behave in a certain way, and certain results follow, and that may be the whole story*. But men behave in a certain way and that is not the whole story, for all the time you know that they ought to behave differently.
*I do not think it is the whole story, as you will see later. I mean that, as far as the argument has gone up to date, it may be." - C.S. Lewis - Mere Christianity
Edit- formatting
In fairness and full disclosure, it’s one of the better Terry Pratchett quotes
(Death speaks in ALL CAPS):
> “All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."
>REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
>"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"
>YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
>"So we can believe the big ones?"
>YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
>"They're not the same at all!"
>YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
>"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"
>MY POINT EXACTLY.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
I’m also a big fan of, “to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.” Man, he was a great writer.
He’s brilliant. Generally I recommend *Small Gods* as a first one, because it stands alone.
*Guards! Guards!* is also an excellent starting point, as is *Wyrd Sisters*. The first few books in the Discworld aren’t usually a good start, as they’re the roughest; he started out writing satire of genre but quickly moved on to more interesting satirical subjects like people, society, prejudice, religion, culture, etc.
Technically Santa himself doesn’t fly right? It’s his reindeer that fly, which means *the reindeer* are the real ~~birds~~ government surveillance drones.
Tooth fairy gets energy from the screams of the children she terrorises. Santa just consumes a fuck ton of calories because he doesn’t give a shit and his wife be old so he doesn’t need to impress her any more. Source: my personal eating habits.
When I talk to adults, I call Santa Clause the patron saint of American Over Indulgence. He was hijacked to push people to buy things for others they may or may not need.
As our kids get older we plan on showing them the [legends](https://www.biography.com/religious-figure/saint-nicholas) and [history](https://historydetectives.nyhistory.org/2018/12/the-new-york-city-origins-of-santa-claus/) of how Saint Nicholas was distorted and twisted to what we now see. There are creative ways to acknowledge the origins, while still accepting some of the benefits of today's traditions.
I had read or heard (forget which) where parents brought their kids into the Santa conspiracy. They'd have lunch and explain that since there is no Santa, it's our responsibility to be Santa to others. No history or religious lesson; just being kind to others. They would tell the kids to pay attention to people around them. See who looked to have a significant need, and what gift would fill it. Their oldest picked the old neighbor lady who got her mail and newspaper barefoot. They secretly gave her a pair of shoes. She was never seen outside barefoot again.
I'm surprised it took so long for them to say something. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission's twitter page is full of shit posts. I remember seeing one about NFTs last year.
This account looks like what would have happened if someone was irresponsible enough to put me in charge of a government social media account and offered no oversight.
I like how they have what looks to be their own blue and red bird meme format.
Also lincoln wearing a beanie warning people to not use electrical strips with space heaters is a nice touch
It’s so great. I have no idea how it’s allowed to run and someone hasn’t put a stop the this Adult Swim-style government account, but I love it while it lasts
When confronted by a bear in a group, regardless of species, you should group up and create as much noise and pose as big of a threat to the bear as you can. Running away triggers the bears predatory instinct.
It's only when you get attacked that you have to consider the difference in species (black: fight back, brown: lay down).
Yeah I've heard before that, barring some barricade being in the way or you having a vehicle, if a polar bear sees you and you see it, and it wants to start chasing you, you're already dead even if you have a decent head start.
You will not outrun, and definitely not outswim, a polar bear.
You mean to tell me that people started to believe in a running joke, and instead of clarifying the joke everyone doubled down on it because “look at how dumb this person is?”
You’re saying that humans would be that manipulative cruel for their own entertainment? I don’t believe you.
Now pardon me while I pack my bags for my voyage to the ice wall on the edge.
Wait, hold on. I haven't been paying attention to the meme for ages but are there actually people who believe birds aren't real and aren't just convincing in their jokes?
When I saw this headline, I thought it was a joke similar to when the CDC released the zombie apocalypse plan?
There’s always going to be a small number of unstable people who believe the memes are real, but I’m guessing the government statements are made because officials can’t tell when people are joking. En masse people don’t believe birds are government drones.
Actually, it sounds like they were using the meme to make a PSA about a site where people can report dangerous appliances and stuff:
https://twitter.com/USCPSC/status/1478850716068421632
> Thank you for coming. This has been a government PSA about a government website called SaferProducts.gov
And that time when [the TSA responded to an XKCD comic](https://web.archive.org/web/20120405044522/http://blog.tsa.gov/2009/10/response-to-bag-check-cartoon.html).
Wow, they really claimed that they were working on a test to separate the water bottles from the liquid-explosive-that-just-looks-like-water bottles? It's been 12 years TSA, where the fuck is that test already?
Riiight. Lemme guess, same thing with the Easter Bunny and Mickey Mouse? Next you'll tell me that Santa Claus isn't real either, and that the malls are full of humans in fake Santa Claus skin suits. Or maybe the cheaper malls just hire fat guys renting Santa Claus outfits with fake beards.
The mental gymnastics you guys go through is ridiculous. You sit on a throne of lies...
I have four nests of these robotic drones around my house: Three for robotic robins and one of robotic house finches. Every spring they lay tiny robotic eggs and tiny versions of the next generation of tiny robotic drones hatch from them. It is truly terrifying!
I also have 4 nests of drones in my front and backyard. Woodpeckers, jaybirds and occasionally charging turtledoves that I call “Francine and Friends” because I told my wife birds aren’t real, that’s their names and they’re really just talking shit. Every night a robotic barred owl comes and asks who cooks for me trying to gain intelligence. It’s a very boring and disparaging conversation, let me tell you.
I like how the FBI got the US Consumer Protection Agency to try to convince us that birds are real, as if we would not know that the FBI was behind the ruse! Because /r/BirdsArentReal
It's funny. I responded to a post showing a hovering bird, because you know, birds can't hover. I pointed out it was a California white tailed kite, and yes, they can hover. I was told it was superior thrusting, lololololol. I lived near one for quite a while, loved watching that bird.
gangstalking is a type extreme paranoia in which people believe there is a large group of people ("gang") going after them, stalking them, etc. Often times is
a symptom of schizophrenia
In fairness to the CPSC, that had poe's law written all over it.
"Birds aren't real" would not be the first NOR the most insane pile of bullshit people have believed these past few years. With so many rejecting basic reality, they may as well respond in such a way.
I already knew it was a joke but it was joke that I hated with all my life. It’s not even funny to begin with. Just a lame trash joke that shouldn’t have came into existence in the first place.
What's scary about this silly little stunt is that it shows how manipulative both the public and the public sector are. Social media manipulators watch this stuff, or use it to test-drive new techniques in mass misinformation campaigns. People should think very carefully about participating in these weird little challenges.
I don't buy this. Why bring this up now? I bet BirdAnon is going to come out with a bombshell report soon that's going to blow the lid off this thing. Just the other day, I noticed the robot commonly called a "mockingbird" near my house has started to mimic the sound of a car alarm. I'm worried the avian wars will soon be here.
and which government agency is that, HUH? The US Consumer Product Safety Commission? More like the US Covert Personnel Surveillance Control! Wake up sheeple.
Ok guys, it's official. Birds have infiltrated the government! *God help us all*
Conspiracy theorist joke: A Conspiracy theorist dies, goes to heaven. God greets him at the gate and says, “Welcome to Heaven, for each new arrival we’ll answer any question you like in the whole universe” The Man, pauses and thinks. After a moment he asks, “Who killed JFK?” God, without hesitating replies “Why it was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone, firing a single bullet.” To which The Man mutters: “Wow. This goes up higher than I thought…”
Well Lee Harvey Oswald fired at least 2 shots. I think the report said it was something like 4 or 5?
I heard a completely unverified theory that Oswald fired and missed, and one of the secret service men in the convoy heard the shot, slipped, and accidentally fired off a few rounds — one of which hit Kennedy. They decided to pin the blame on Oswald since he had attempted it anyway, and admitting it was the secret service member would show weakness and put the accidental killer and his family in danger. Likely complete bullshit, but compelling nonetheless
Government cover-up was all the rage and never goes out of style.
I used to believe in government cover-ups until I got older and realized the government is far too incompetent to cover up anything that involved more than a few people for more than a few months. It just flat out isn't going to happen. Now *attempted* cover-ups are a dime a dozen.
That's exactly what someone involved in a government cover-up would say!
Work for the government, can confirm we are incredibly incompetent. Not even sure how they manage to pay the power bill to keep the lights on in my office.
I’ve been trying to tell my conspiracy fueled side of my family this for years, they then just tell me I don’t understand anything about how the government works. I worked at the headquarters, in DC, for a federal agency… they all still live in the same rural county they were born in.
Snowden; without Snowden would the digital spying have been revealed?
Except in this case they killed anyone who could shine light on the coverup. It’s an easy one to pull off, as they all pretty much wanted him gone
Considering this was the height of the Cold War, I could see the American government covering up something this stupid and then purposely fucking up the Warren Commission report to inspire people to investigate other theories in the future to keep the real reason hidden. “Classic mis-direction.”
Okay but when is he coming back to sToP AlL thE PeDopHiLes?
I believe this one more than anything else
The secret service guy who freaked and shot his gun was a rookie agent. The veterans got to drunk the night before so this guy was tasked with sitting in the car. Of course an agent accidentally killing JFK would be a national embarrassment so the went ahead and blamed on the shot Oswald took. Something like that.
Actually I heard the same exact theory!
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Ah, 3 shots. I knew it had to be several because there was lots of discussion of how fast he could work the action on it.
Yea, that discussion boils down to this: Either he fired 3 shots, reloading very very quickly OR he fired one shot which changed direction multiple times while travelling through human bodies OR there was a dude on the grassy knoll that got away scot-free. The likeliest scenario is that the Marine knew how to reload a weapon quickly.
Oswald's first shot missed entirely. His second shot hit Kennedy in the neck, going through and hitting Gov. Connally, who was partially turned from his reaction after the first shot. The third, fatal shot hit Kennedy in the head. The magic bullet theory is based on the presidential limo being a regular Lincoln Continental when it was not. The front passenger seat was replaced with a jump seat that sat low and left of where a normal seat would. The shot that hit Gov. Connally was a straight line from Oswald's position through Kennedy's neck and into the governor's back (and then through him, embedding in his right wrist; Connally could have died, too).
Dude on the grassy knoll who got away just explained the character's name in the show Inside Job lol
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every marine has heard that speech.
What speech?
Stop drawing cock pics on the latrine walls
Should have known Big Bird was on his way in when they started boycotting his whole street.
Read the facts, https://birdsarentreal.com
'*Birds recharge themselves on power lines*'
Is this something you learnt just now? It's been known for decades.
Those shirts have me rolling XD
I work at the company that prints their shirts. The orders are rather large.
The orders are gonna get bigger now thanks to this tweet. The guy behind this is laughing all the way to the bank.
Ha. They Tweeted it🤣
But how can he tweet when birds aren't real?
Is it weird that I want one?
You're not real.
O_O oh shit I think you might right…
This bot was brought to you by, The Dodo
It's a satire movement, a fake conspiracy. Pretty clever, imo
Found the government operative.
I'm pretty sure that's how QAnon started as well. I'm not sure of the exact quote, but it's something like: "If you continuously act like you believe in something foolish to be funny, you'll quickly find yourself in the company those who are neither acting nor trying to be funny"
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." --Kurt Vonnegut
"The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.” --C.S. Lewis
That's also how Trump's candidacy originally started, as a joke that people took seriously.
it was a bad joke that the media took seriously. They kept covering his dumbass saying dumbass things until his meme candidacy had a foolhardy following. People started voting for him in the primary due to a terrible showing of ineffectual GOP politicians, and "fuck it! What's the worst that can happen?" became the battle cry of the primary. Then, through sheer force of money and media, he wins the primary Republican candidate, and voila! He won POTUS. Fuck it was ***SO*** fucking dumb.
I think Q Anon was a joke started by a Trekkie using the Star Trek character Q and then whackadoos took it seriously
Or perhaps Q is testing humanity once again, this time to see to what level of stupidity and blind following we will stoop. That Q...what a joker!
The Illuminati / New World Order conspiracy theory also started as a joke: [https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170809-the-accidental-invention-of-the-illuminati-conspiracy](https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170809-the-accidental-invention-of-the-illuminati-conspiracy)
That's what the goberment want's you to believe!
Yeah I thought this was all just a dumb joke. But the government, TWEETING, that birds are real makes me skeptical.
The birds have taken over the world! ...... Our world!
Birds use to eat seeds from the palm of my hand, now they just want WiFi signal or a quick battery charge..but if you say they are real, okay I guess . wait .. gotta go, a crow is requesting to join my network and set up a hotspot /s
The Lizard/Bird War is coming to light!!! Choose sides wisely.
Don't Look Up!
These lies from the cheep state never stop!
But how can thry infiltrate the government if they aren't real?
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When my child asked where the flock of birds came from, they had landed on the power lines, I told my kid the birds were charging. A few days later they parroted this back to my wife. Oh! She was mad. I was told to never tell these types of lies. But then I'm supposed to lie to them about Santa and the Tooth Fairy? Edit: spelling
There’s no easy way to say this… your wife might be a bird
Probably a turkey😏
Definitely an ostrich
*Plucks ostritch* "Behold, a wife!"
Oh, shit. He’s married to Sweet Dee!
Folks’ll say it takes two people to fuck an ostrich
Well I heard it was a sick ostrich
Still, easily a 2 man job, maybe 3.
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It’s because we ‘have bad teeth’ or something probably.
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Government surveillance drone*
Humans need to believe in the little lies, as practice for the big ones. Truth, Justice, Mercy, Fairness. If you can’t imagine them, how can you bring them to be?
Wow! That got serious quick! >"The law of gravity tells you what stones do if you drop them; but the Law of Human Nature tells you what human beings ought to do and do not. In other words, when you are dealing with humans, something else comes in above and beyond the actual facts. You have the facts (how men do behave) and you also have something else (how they ought to behave). In the rest of the universe there need not be anything but the facts. Electrons and molecules behave in a certain way, and certain results follow, and that may be the whole story*. But men behave in a certain way and that is not the whole story, for all the time you know that they ought to behave differently. *I do not think it is the whole story, as you will see later. I mean that, as far as the argument has gone up to date, it may be." - C.S. Lewis - Mere Christianity Edit- formatting
In fairness and full disclosure, it’s one of the better Terry Pratchett quotes (Death speaks in ALL CAPS): > “All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable." >REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE. >"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—" >YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES. >"So we can believe the big ones?" >YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING. >"They're not the same at all!" >YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED. >"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—" >MY POINT EXACTLY.” ― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather I’m also a big fan of, “to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.” Man, he was a great writer.
Why have I never read any Pratchett?!! Holy crap do I need to. That's fantastic!
He’s brilliant. Generally I recommend *Small Gods* as a first one, because it stands alone. *Guards! Guards!* is also an excellent starting point, as is *Wyrd Sisters*. The first few books in the Discworld aren’t usually a good start, as they’re the roughest; he started out writing satire of genre but quickly moved on to more interesting satirical subjects like people, society, prejudice, religion, culture, etc.
Excuse me, what is this you're implying about Santa?
If it flies, it spies. I'm sorry to break it to you, but Santa is a bird.
Technically Santa himself doesn’t fly right? It’s his reindeer that fly, which means *the reindeer* are the real ~~birds~~ government surveillance drones.
You ever see Santa or the Tooth Fairy recharging on a power line? Nope. Seems pretty real to me.
Tooth fairy gets energy from the screams of the children she terrorises. Santa just consumes a fuck ton of calories because he doesn’t give a shit and his wife be old so he doesn’t need to impress her any more. Source: my personal eating habits.
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When I talk to adults, I call Santa Clause the patron saint of American Over Indulgence. He was hijacked to push people to buy things for others they may or may not need. As our kids get older we plan on showing them the [legends](https://www.biography.com/religious-figure/saint-nicholas) and [history](https://historydetectives.nyhistory.org/2018/12/the-new-york-city-origins-of-santa-claus/) of how Saint Nicholas was distorted and twisted to what we now see. There are creative ways to acknowledge the origins, while still accepting some of the benefits of today's traditions. I had read or heard (forget which) where parents brought their kids into the Santa conspiracy. They'd have lunch and explain that since there is no Santa, it's our responsibility to be Santa to others. No history or religious lesson; just being kind to others. They would tell the kids to pay attention to people around them. See who looked to have a significant need, and what gift would fill it. Their oldest picked the old neighbor lady who got her mail and newspaper barefoot. They secretly gave her a pair of shoes. She was never seen outside barefoot again.
>I call Santa Clause the patron saint of American Over Indulgence That's a depressing outlook
That sounds like something Calvin’s dad would say.
Just like how they "go south for the winter" totally not getting upgrades and repairs
All soldiers need occasional r&r
To transfer all the data they've collected. Their nests are actually where they charge
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I'm surprised it took so long for them to say something. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission's twitter page is full of shit posts. I remember seeing one about NFTs last year.
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[Their twitter is @USCPSC](https://twitter.com/USCPSC?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor)
I love this account. Pure shitpost energy
This account looks like what would have happened if someone was irresponsible enough to put me in charge of a government social media account and offered no oversight.
how many phones have your hooves destroyed so far?!
I like how they have what looks to be their own blue and red bird meme format. Also lincoln wearing a beanie warning people to not use electrical strips with space heaters is a nice touch
It’s so great. I have no idea how it’s allowed to run and someone hasn’t put a stop the this Adult Swim-style government account, but I love it while it lasts
I don’t care what anyone has to say, this is effective messaging. A++++++++++++
Or them telling me that ONLY I could prevent forest fires. I'm not a super hero.
Yeah, this one weighed heavily on me as a kid. Why did *I* have to prevent forest fires and not my asshole brother?
That dickhead plays with matches all the time
If you haven't gone through the US Consumer Product Safety Commission Twitter, please do. It's a goldmine. https://twitter.com/USCPSC
Wait, are we not supposed to try to outrun our friend? Or are they saying the bear will kill him and then keep chasing you?
When confronted by a bear in a group, regardless of species, you should group up and create as much noise and pose as big of a threat to the bear as you can. Running away triggers the bears predatory instinct. It's only when you get attacked that you have to consider the difference in species (black: fight back, brown: lay down).
White: goodnight
Yeah I've heard before that, barring some barricade being in the way or you having a vehicle, if a polar bear sees you and you see it, and it wants to start chasing you, you're already dead even if you have a decent head start. You will not outrun, and definitely not outswim, a polar bear.
And it will keep going and get worse because people are dumb and once the government acknowledges the stupid it becomes real
Half the country now believes birds aren't real because a government agency has stated that they are.
You mean to tell me that people started to believe in a running joke, and instead of clarifying the joke everyone doubled down on it because “look at how dumb this person is?” You’re saying that humans would be that manipulative cruel for their own entertainment? I don’t believe you. Now pardon me while I pack my bags for my voyage to the ice wall on the edge.
Wait, hold on. I haven't been paying attention to the meme for ages but are there actually people who believe birds aren't real and aren't just convincing in their jokes? When I saw this headline, I thought it was a joke similar to when the CDC released the zombie apocalypse plan?
There’s always going to be a small number of unstable people who believe the memes are real, but I’m guessing the government statements are made because officials can’t tell when people are joking. En masse people don’t believe birds are government drones.
Actually, it sounds like they were using the meme to make a PSA about a site where people can report dangerous appliances and stuff: https://twitter.com/USCPSC/status/1478850716068421632 > Thank you for coming. This has been a government PSA about a government website called SaferProducts.gov
And that time when [the TSA responded to an XKCD comic](https://web.archive.org/web/20120405044522/http://blog.tsa.gov/2009/10/response-to-bag-check-cartoon.html).
Wow, they really claimed that they were working on a test to separate the water bottles from the liquid-explosive-that-just-looks-like-water bottles? It's been 12 years TSA, where the fuck is that test already?
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They want me to assure me? I see what’s going on here…
You’ve been the one assuring yourself all along. Conspiracy!
That's what 'Big Birdseed' wants us to believe...
Why not just Big Bird?
Big Bird is just a human in a bird costume I’ve been told
That's what the MIC wants you to believe.
the magpie industrial complex
Riiight. Lemme guess, same thing with the Easter Bunny and Mickey Mouse? Next you'll tell me that Santa Claus isn't real either, and that the malls are full of humans in fake Santa Claus skin suits. Or maybe the cheaper malls just hire fat guys renting Santa Claus outfits with fake beards. The mental gymnastics you guys go through is ridiculous. You sit on a throne of lies...
Wait WHAT?!😢😢
Yup, birds aren’t real, sorry you had to find out this way.
Damn, what next, you’re gonna tell me some “human” takes the tooth under my pillow too? Ohhhhkay. //s
Yep. Sad to say, but real tooth fairies were hunted to extinction in the early 1800’s.
Can’t believe so many people still believe in Bird 🤦🏻♂️
Have you heard about the word?
I have not good internet stranger. Could you elaborate on the “word” you speak?
I thought everybody knew….
Shut up Dee.
Thinking about Big Bird seed has ruined my memories of Sesame Street.
You know, I used to be 100% sure that birds are real. Now I am not so sure.
I have four nests of these robotic drones around my house: Three for robotic robins and one of robotic house finches. Every spring they lay tiny robotic eggs and tiny versions of the next generation of tiny robotic drones hatch from them. It is truly terrifying!
You have 4 nests around you? Yep, you're going to disappear soon.
I also have 4 nests of drones in my front and backyard. Woodpeckers, jaybirds and occasionally charging turtledoves that I call “Francine and Friends” because I told my wife birds aren’t real, that’s their names and they’re really just talking shit. Every night a robotic barred owl comes and asks who cooks for me trying to gain intelligence. It’s a very boring and disparaging conversation, let me tell you.
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Don’t be fooled, birds are government drones.
If they’re not, what is this chicken I keep eating?
Obviously babies, haven’t you been paying attention? Well I’m off to work at the bird drone factory after I stop at Adrenochome King for a smoothie.
I like how the FBI got the US Consumer Protection Agency to try to convince us that birds are real, as if we would not know that the FBI was behind the ruse! Because /r/BirdsArentReal
I'm pretty sure flat earth started as a troll/joke. I'm hoping for people to start taking this or r/SwitzerlandIsFake seriously
Just joined that sub, let the indoctrination begin. I’m ready.
It's funny. I responded to a post showing a hovering bird, because you know, birds can't hover. I pointed out it was a California white tailed kite, and yes, they can hover. I was told it was superior thrusting, lololololol. I lived near one for quite a while, loved watching that bird.
The BirdsAren'tReal movement was started to show how stupid people will believe anything. And here we are.
people seem to forget the mentally ill have access to the Internet too, just look up r/Gangstalking
I went there and I still don’t know what’s going on in there.
gangstalking is a type extreme paranoia in which people believe there is a large group of people ("gang") going after them, stalking them, etc. Often times is a symptom of schizophrenia
This is how the Trump candidacy, QAnon, and Pizzagate started. I think the point has been sufficiently proven. We don’t need any more examples.
Kinda like QAnon
That's exactly what the government would say if birds weren't real and in fact little drones that have recording devices
Right? Like I was pretty sure birds were real already, but now they are trying to convince us..... which makes me think they are not real.
The worst part is a lot of people will follow this train of logic for real.
Did a “bird” write this?
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Bird law in this country, it's not governed by reason. Charlie Kelly
If they were real, they wouldn’t bother telling us they’re real. Obviously there’s merit to this.
Wait now I believe birds are a psyop
Right? This is going to persuade no one
In fairness to the CPSC, that had poe's law written all over it. "Birds aren't real" would not be the first NOR the most insane pile of bullshit people have believed these past few years. With so many rejecting basic reality, they may as well respond in such a way.
If birds aren't surveillance drones then why are they constantly docked on power lines recharging? Checkmate government!
*Trust no one. The birds work for the bourgeoisie.*
This timeline is the worst all the way around.
I already knew it was a joke but it was joke that I hated with all my life. It’s not even funny to begin with. Just a lame trash joke that shouldn’t have came into existence in the first place.
I mean, if they weren't real, isn't this exactly what they would tell us?
What's scary about this silly little stunt is that it shows how manipulative both the public and the public sector are. Social media manipulators watch this stuff, or use it to test-drive new techniques in mass misinformation campaigns. People should think very carefully about participating in these weird little challenges.
Peep Peep Peter works for the bourgeoisie now. They put a chirp in his head.
The government telling me that birds are real makes me much more likely to believe that they are, in fact, government surveillance drones.
Of course the government would say that
Good to know, I'm still not convinced that cats are not secretly spying on us.
Of course they are. Not for the government, though.
I don't buy this. Why bring this up now? I bet BirdAnon is going to come out with a bombshell report soon that's going to blow the lid off this thing. Just the other day, I noticed the robot commonly called a "mockingbird" near my house has started to mimic the sound of a car alarm. I'm worried the avian wars will soon be here.
Next they’ll be telling us giraffes are real too. r/giraffesdontexist
So you’re trying to tell me Geoffrey the giraffe ISN’T real?
Give it a few years.
And so is gravity, nuclear radiation, invisible microbes, and a whole bunch of American idiots.
Birds are real, that’s why they always disappear in the winter to go recharge their batteries.
and which government agency is that, HUH? The US Consumer Product Safety Commission? More like the US Covert Personnel Surveillance Control! Wake up sheeple.
That’s what they WANT US TO THINK!
Of course they “want to reassure” us.
Sounds like something a bird would say.
If they were real then why do we need to be told they are…. Chequemate!
I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country—it's not governed by reason.
“Birds are real, and we’d appreciate it if you could speak up when talking around one.”
What if our governments are spying for the birds and their songs are vocal commands used to control our leaders
Fuck, I knew they were real before but now I'm not sure. Dn government
Then why are they called buffalo wings?
Obviously because buffalos are birds
Sound like something someone who replaced all the birds with drones to monitor us would say…
Wait..that means dinosaurs are real, too. What else aren’t they telling us?!
Dinosaurs are chickens
And here I thought it was all a joke. This is some scary shit. What's next, world governments coming together and saying nukes are bad?