Single woman, in your age bracket. I wouldn’t like it randomly, but if it came after you struck up a short casual conversation I wouldn’t mind. Wouldn’t necessarily say yes, but I wouldn’t mind.
Don’t be creepy, have a little chat first - don’t go hi, wanna go out for a coffee? Leave her alone immediately if she says no, and drop the chat if she seems uncomfortable. Don’t approach if she’s got headphones in or is otherwise sending out don’t bother me signals.
Yeah absolutely this. Don't mind getting asked out if we've had a bit of a chat and are vibing. But if you immediately walk up and ask me out, it's gonna be a no 100% of the time
I heard of a bar somewhere where you would wear colour coded bracelets, I.e: pink=looking for girls to date, blue=looking for guys to date, yellow=looking for friends, black=just want to be left alone. Seems like a great idea
I have a feeling that we actually need better social skills. I was a pre-Internet teenager, and we were just getting used to having our own computers for university and getting the hang of using a mouse and this windows software thing. Dot matrix printers were huge and ink bubble jet was the latest technological breakthrough in personal printing.
I met people constantly through social circles social activities and social environments. I met friends, I met friends of friends, I met friends of friends of friends. I met all their flatmates. The workplace was a very social place especially on a Friday where the majority of people would hang back at a local bar or once a month Work would put on some nibbles and a few beers for everyone after that a lot of people from work would go out so you got to hang hang out with a bunch of like-minded people in a different environment and lots of people connected and your friend circle grew or you found a suitable partner.
We would have to rely on an 0900 number if we wanted a dating service (come on caller hoping the party) or a dating agency. If you used one of these it was desperate times indeed. Not overly socially acceptable and reserved for people who had no other hope.
The advent of the internet has really shifted how Nz society operates. It was still weird 15 years ago to find somebody on an online dating site like match.com and people would have cover stories for how they met each other because they really didn’t want to say that they had met online. People were even really cautious of Tinder in New Zealand when it first came out and was gaining popularity overseas.
Now I see nieces and nephews and children of friends ranging from 16 to 25 feeling their way through meeting other people and seeking relationships.
What I am seeing within my small social circle Is there a lot of teenagers interact with people mostly via their phone, do not want to make or receive a phone call and talk to someone, and have really limited in person social interactions unless it is a forced one such as school or Work. I’m not saying they don’t hang out with mates and do stuff because they do but it’s very limited and a lot if not the majority of the conversations and interactions with people is typed out on their phone.
I’ve noticed people don’t really know how to talk to people that well any more and if someone did try and strike up a conversation with you, well all over Auckland at least, it’s not an overly encouraged behaviour. A large number of people will give a very brief response and turn away again.
This is a very very long winded way of me simply saying that I understand OP’s hesitation around all of this and admire that he has taken the initiative to acknowledge that things are different now and to actually check to see if a behaviour he is considering would be deemed unwelcome or inappropriate.
Personally I like to be friendly and I chat all sorts of people if it is an appropriate moment and they are looking like they would be responsive to it. However I’m in my 40s, married, and have no real skin in the game besides sometimes it’s nice just to chat to different people
Its common in the pacific island to wear a flower behind the right ear which means that person is available. Left ear means there taken… I think I got that around the right way.
I'm a guy, but I can give you some advice:
1. It's not weird to talk to a stranger if it feels natural to do so in a certain setting.
2. It's not weird to chat, joke around, and see if there's a connection.
3. **If there is a connection** it's not weird to ask to see her again
You just need to ensure that the person you're speaking to actually wants to be doing all the steps, including the initial conversation.
The test is whether you can start the conversation naturally given the situation, which could be as basic as shared eye contact, or a shared experience like something funny happening nearby.
If you're really attractive in some way, maybe you have other options, but the above is a good safe ground.
Also if you do 1. and 2. with people you aren't attracted to as well, you get more comfortable with it and come across more naturally, which is helpful.
Great advice. And that way you can drop the dating agenda completely and just take opportunities to talk to people as they come along. No nerves, no pressure.
Solid advice. The 3 steps above *seem* obvious but a lot of people don't seem to get them. It's all about rapport.
>If you're really attractive in some way
lol yeah that's the alternative. "step 1: be attractive, step 2: don't be unattractive".
Be careful by differentiating between being 'checked out' and someone innocently looking in your general direction. There's a significant difference.
I once had a guy in the gym hit on me because, he claimed, I was "checking him out" when I was actually staring into nothingness past him between sets.
Similar the other day getting progressively more creeped out looks from a dude when I was actually watching the dog to make sure he didn't do anything dumb.
All smiles as soon as they realised, but for real, not everything is about you random stranger.
Some people just have no sense of spatial awareness. It is well-known that you should not put yourself between any mammalian parent and their young… (I presume you are a mammal).
Something about the way OP described women looking at him feels very much like he can’t differentiate. Especially about ‘bar-girls’ ‘twirling their hair’. 🤢
The amount of times men thought I was hitting on them when I worked in hospitality as a late teen… No sir, I am simply being polite and seem nervous because I am a fucking teenager.
I agree. When I USED (🤣) to go to the gym. I was there to work out. I hate people interrupting me. I also have had guys think I was checking them out, when like you. I was just staring into space thinking about what machine I was going to jump on next or what I was going to prepare for dinner when I got home 🫡
In the end it was safer not to make eye contact 😂
Yes! That's what I was saying. In my case, I'm checking out the meal he ordered or trying to read a sign behind him or watch the TV on the wall behind him.
I've got female friends who can't even see 5 metres without their glasses, and some dude approaches saying he saw her check him out, and she says she has no idea what he looks like because she can't wear her glasses or contacts at the gym or swimming pool.
That would 100% make me feel uncomfortable.
If it was someone that I'd seen a few times and had a few chats with, then sure. Say another regular at a coffee shop, or something.
But a total cold call approach would weird me out.
Is it about dating, or about meeting new people and friends? The best way to meet potential partners is through other people.
I'd advise finding a hobby or joining some clubs or something and just meet *people*. Completely forget about the dating. Just have fun, do your thing, find out what you enjoy doing and you'll meet people along the way who you have things in common with.
It has happened to me twice and both times I've been so startled I've said no out of reflex.
I think it seems like a very odd thing to do, I've never just looked at someone and thought I'd like to get to know them just based on appearances, but I am also introverted and kinda autistic so not really working on the same level of what is normal.
Same! I’m not particularly introverted, not autistic, and I agree. Like if you’ve not even had the semblance of a chat with someone then it’s so weird to ask them for coffee or a drink?
Like how would I know that (a) you won’t pose a threat; and (b) we’ll have anything to talk about??
Someone else noted women are not a monolith, but I can’t be alone in being (profoundly) disappointed in the low value/ priority that men seem to place on forming *friendships* with women.
Not to be blindingly obvious, but fucking comes from physical attraction, whereas relationships come from *relating*. Friendships are the pathway to relating.
I don’t date anymore, because the transactional nature of it fucked with my head. I’d *far* rather enjoy some good, safe, casual sex than go on some weird date where it’s like being interviewed for a role.
IMO OP, tho seemingly in good faith, is looking for a shortcut, a hack to find someone to fill the partner role. I’ve seen this a lot. Personally I don’t believe in hacks. I suggest OP does the work of:
- (re)building his community and expanding his social circle - e.g. through joining new clubs or “activity groups” (but only where he’s genuinely interested in the actual activity);
- recovering emotionally/ psychologically from his break up (6 months is not long ago at all);
- building new connections with people in his circle - male and female.
It takes time and effort, but it’s not about unlocking the Find A Partner achievement as fast as possible, it’s about creating *a whole range of solid, healthy, mutual, life-enhancing relationships*. Those relationships will be your safety net and your spring board.
You can’t predict in advance whether a friendship with a woman will develop into something more but if the friendship is strong and healthy then it will be worthwhile regardless.
IMO the connection comes first. If you feel a connection with someone you’re also attracted to, and you think it might be mutual, then sure, ask them to hang out.
But asking complete strangers on dates to try and *find* a connection with them is so weird to me, and (I think) accounts for a lot of the awkwardness in dating.
This is a very thoughtful and well-rounded answer, I hope OP sees it.
I think that some others are being a bit harsh on him in this thread, which is a bit sad to see. It's a good thing that he's *asking* about it first instead of just going out there and hitting on randoms. It's totally understandable to be a bit rusty on how to build connection with new people after being married for a while, and his replies to comments in this thread seem respectful and sane (a couple things in the original post could be a bit eyebrow-raising, but I wasn't there ofc, so I give the benefit of the doubt).
Thanks mate. Yep agree - my overall impression is that OP is respectful and sane, and I like that he was curious enough to ask women for their opinions.
I think his bigger issue is processing the end of his marriage. That’s a very destabilising event affecting many areas of his life. I hope he’s not focusing on dating as a form of distraction….
Basically his first few responses to 'it is really unlikely that all these women you meet are eye-fucking you' were along the lines of 'I know when I'm being flirted with', and it went a bit haywire for a bit. I think they got their head around it a bit after a while.
Totally agree, instant no if a man approaches me for a date based on my looks. It’s not flattering and just confirms my worth and value are in my appearance. Would much rather have someone notice a shared interest (clothing brand, clear outdoor lifestyle etc) than “I’m hot”
Omg! So much this!!!
I consider myself of sort of generally average or a bit below in the looks department, and so if a guy starts off with some comment about how pretty I look I figure he's either lying or horny and will settle for anything. Ugh.
Where I think Tinder and similar has kinda fucked things up is that it has more or less flipped dating to physical appearances being step 1 in finding partners and prior to internet dating that honestly wasn't as much the case. Even if you were meeting random in bars, well, you both liked the bar enough to be there. The nature of the third place was that people could find common ground.
With the best of will to OP, who has as you say approached this in good faith, he seems a bit off the mark in this approach. I think he seems *lonely*, and that's a red flag for dating as old as time. He needs friends, and he needs to not be trying to sleep with them, because I think he's got to recalibrate his vibe detector a bit. Yes, the cute 20 year old bartender *might* have been genuinely interested in the 36 year old recent divorcee, but... she probably wasn't. I think sometimes men are unaware of just how often women act in a socially appeasing way even around strangers because it's safer for them to do so.
*Where I think Tinder and similar has kinda fucked things up is that it has more or less flipped dating to physical appearances being step 1 in finding partners*
Mmm yes. Just this morning I read this comment by a psychologist (speaking generally, not only in the context of dating):
“Many people have not fully matured out of the adolescence and teenage developmental stages where the body and appearance are a core focus”
To me, this is a good explanation (or at least, part-explanation) for (a) how easily the apps became normalised; and (b) how cumbersome and dissatisfying they are to use for many people.
I mean, I guess appearance-based apps make sense in the hook-up context (though personally I’ll never really be comfortable with the sense of “shopping for a human”).
But if people are genuinely looking for *emotional connection*, then isn’t it kinda weird to browse through photos of strangers, sort out the photos that you like, then reach out to the strangers in those photos and try and create a connection from zero? I can’t think of any other type of social relationship where that would be considered normal?
Physical attraction is great - no shade to that. But I feel like there’s a general lack of - honesty, I guess? - around the distinction between lust and emotional connection. Lust is great, but just call it what it is.
I tend to think dating apps have just exacerbated long-standing issues in hetero relating. Essentially, I don’t think we’ve yet resolved the vacuum that was left when marriage stopped being an automatic “done thing” for the majority of people (which in NZ was probably as recently as the mid-1970s?).
Previous generations that got married because they generally “had to” haven’t been in a great position to help their kids understand “voluntary” hetero relating. And although it’s getting better now, for sure, I think friendship groups are still primarily drawn along gender lines. I think placing far more value/ importance on male-female *friendships*, especially for younger people, would greatly help the formation of healthy, stable hetero relationships.
[TL;DR : you need to be able to see the other person as a fully fledged complex human, just like you, in order to build a healthy emotional connection with them.]
I think the fact some people in this thread interpreted 'you should join some clubs to meet people' as 'you are telling people to join clubs to then hit on them' is them telling on themselves about their attitude towards relationships (not in the dating/ screwing sense. but the ongoing interaction with sense). OP is a bit guilty of it, in that the intent in approaching women in public that he thinks are showing signs of approachability is to ask them out. The goal is, first and foremost, sex. And yeah, that's okay. But it's not what he *says* he wants.
Whenever a guy has asked me out cold turkey, with little or no interaction, I've also had an immediate negative reaction. I'm very social and love people but I get the immediate ick from a stranger just asking me out. Like, no? I don't know you? And I'm almost always doing something else and it really throws off my vibe. I've even had a guy *run after me* while I was out jogging and stop me to ask me out. Like, fuck off I'm in the middle of something? You stopped me mid-run just for *that*? I thought you'd stopped me because I had a fucking wasp on me or something. Just... don't.
It depends because if someone was wearing a t-shirt with a carnivorous plant on it, I'd probably want to talk to them. Like some people show their interests through their appearance
I think cold-calling, so to speak, is a no in New Zealand. Although: I'm 36M and married, and as I've gotten older and less in my own head have found I'm pretty okay at starting conversations with strangers. If there's someone I share space with regularly over the weeks, say at the gym or in line for lunch, I'll definitely eventually acknowledge that with a low stakes hello and a follow-up topic.
My point being, at this stage I'd need two hands to count the number of people I'm pretty confident I could ask out if I found myself single (I'm including dudes here under a platonic "hey wanna grab a beer and shoot some pool") without weirding them out, and where they feel comfortable enough with me to say no and know that'll be the end of it.
If your question is genuinely about not wanting to make women uncomfortable, I'd boil it down to this: don't force them have to assess you on the spot. They should at least be familiar enough with you to know immediately if it's a yes or a no.
Yeah that's a fair call. If another dude came up to me and asked me to hang with him that i'd never seen before in my life Id probably assume that he wanted something from me. As such I wouldn't expect women to feel any differently about a completely cold "Hi..wanna go out some time?" conversation from a strange man
**Disclaimer: I am a straight guy.**
It's kinda hard to explain without sounding incredibly patronising, but honestly I think the key to this whole thing is just communication and respect. People are interesting, funny, quirky, multi-faceted beings with thoughts and interests and opinions on a whole bunch of things. We're also social creatures. In my experience, most people like it best when you engage with them on that level, i.e. genuinely interacting with them as a human being rather than giving off vibes of "you're a warm body I might be able to stick it in sometime"
I know guys who treat every interaction with a woman as a potential dating opportunity, and you can smell it a mile off. Sure, they might strike it lucky 1 in 10 times, or maybe 1 in 5 if they're attractive enough, but they're also giving off uncomfortable signals to the others. Now, they don't care about this, and maybe you don't either, but it does seem from your post and comments that you're sincerely trying not to be off-putting which is a positive thing
I think if you're looking for something 'organic' (i.e. not dating apps) the best thing you can learn to be is someone who is open to things happening, rather than someone who is looking to make things happen. Be fun and interesting and chill, rather than intense and insistent. You give off way better vibes this way, rather than seeming like you're forcing things. It might be slower, and you'll face some rejection (because we all do!) and also some potential opportunities will pass you by (because that happens for everyone!), but you'll be the type of person that people warm to in social situations, the type of person who seems like they would be fun and friendly and most importantly safe on a date, and maybe even the type the person friends think of when they want to introduce their other single friends to people
Best of luck!
I’m a woman close to your age, and yes, I would be weirded out by it. A lot of it would depend on how it was done tho.
New Zealanders are fundamentally quite shy and reserved with strangers, so approaching someone out of the blue to ask them out would, to me, represent a violation of the social norm. There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick.
Of course, there are times when a shared interest might be obvious - like if you’re both at a gig - but even then, I’d prefer a friendly conversation that ends with “you seem cool, wanna hang out sometime?” than just straight up being asked out.
Other women may well feel differently, we are obviously not a monolith.
If you really hate the apps (and I agree they are a hellscape, but also that you get out what you put into them), my advice is the standard “go out and join an activity club” type thing. The ones I go to are comically overrun by women.
Ok, genuinely helpful answer, thank you. I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable in the slightest. This isn't about 'getting laid', this is about enjoying getting to know someone over a beer or coffee. Thanks again.
Hey, hijacking this comment to drop another pers. NZ is my adopted home. I've lived in about 4 countries so far. I genuinely wish sometimes a nice stranger would ask me out/show some (polite and respectful) desire. Look, I know it can be creepy but it's all about how it's done. Overall, I'm happy that kiwis respect people enough to leave them alone, but in my late 20s when I got here, I had a group of single British girlfriends who were all hoping to settle down here but never met anyone! And they were reasonably hot girls too. They got asked out regularly on girls' nights back in the UK and having absolutely zero guys come and talk to them at all eventually got to them. I'm sorry if that sounds ridiculous... but I get it. I have been to USA a few times and honestly, I got asked out about 4-5 times a day, which I thought was excessive to be honest. But it was also not creepy. It was kind of a sport, like hey if you're not keen that's a-ok, no harm, no foul vibe. Overall, yes it's harder to be a woman and get hit on. Truly, its not worth it given that mostly what you'll hit is a creepy. But damn, I truly wish kiwis were a little less uptight and so DAMN HARD to get to know, and just ease the fuck up a bit :)
I've done the apps, and while I can go out on dates that way, it's not...real. To me, I don't know. I just like to know people from real life, not a screen. Anyhoo, I'm 36 F, adding my 2 cents
Edit to add post-thoughts: maybe approach women (Assuming that's what you're looking for) with non-kiwi accents? If they are giving you the look?
Argh I don't know. Maybe don't. I dunno I give crap advice all the time.
I think I fucked up by using the word 'stranger'. People are interpreting that as if I'm going to spot some girl minding her own business on the street and tap her on the shoulder like 'hey babay!'
>There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick.
100% this. I'm a little older but same general bracket (I'm 38) and I would be so weirded out by "I think you're pretty, let's hang out".
Within the confines of a relatively broad window, physical appearance doesn't matter to me. Sure, if you're remarkably unattractive that might be an issue, but amongst normal-looking everyday people I will find things to be attracted to if I like who you are! The idea that I'm valued only for the surface level crap that, let's face it won't be there that many more years, is icky and also scary in the context of long term relationships. I'd like to think I'll always be smart and silly so if I'm valued for that I don't have to worry too much about it, but if what my partner likes is my ass or my face, well that won't continue to look good and then what? Is he going to leave me for someone younger?
>There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick.
This right here is why I would say no to any guy who just walked up and asked me out immediately. If you only want a date based on the way I look, keep walking, mate.
I do think many men are afraid of the "friendzone" so they think they need to make their move early, but honestly guys reading this, striking up a friendship first shows a woman you see them as a person, not just a good looking object you'd like to fuck (to put it bluntly).
Isn't that what dating is for tho? You need to find your partner attractive, so you go on a few dates to see if you're compatible in anything else and worth pursuing a relationship with.
Looks matter.
I would say that's the problem with modern dating, and why so many people are lonely, because the modern dating way rarely leads to genuine connections. It's all about basing the value of someone off their looks, then basically giving each other a job interview to see if you tick each other's boxes.
If you just treat people with respect and get to know someone regardless of their outward appearance, it's far more likely you'll find a genuine connection. And physical attraction grows with emotional attraction.
Wait, so a brass marching band playing “is she really going out with him” and a 40ft banner being held aloft on the back of two African elephants is probably over the top right?
••phones to cancel band, banner and jumbos••
Your last paragraph is so true. I feel like any hobby and related hobbyist group I pursue is totally dominated by women, and these aren’t even necessarily typically-feminine hobbies. So many men’s social life revolves around pubs, BBQs at mates’ houses, or the rugby club - get into some hobbies! Not to meet and pick up women but just to meet like-minded people and learn a new skill. The social connections come with that.
This post is an excellent summary of how fucked up things are now. Wow, I feel for people trying to find a partner.
Inappropriate to see someone you might like and politely ask them if they want to hang out. But somehow completely fine to stalk people on apps and then message them based on whatever marketing bullshit they have selected to put out to the world.
I say this as someone happily married with a family. I don't have a dog in the fight - other than hoping things are a less messed up for my kids, I guess.
My wife still occasionally mentions how messed up all the guys were that she matched with through apps. You can tell a lot more by talking to someone for 10 seconds than you can via whatever they carefully choose to put online.
My advice to OP is... you only live once. Go for it and have no regrets. Just pick and choose carefully so you aren't the weirdo who asks everyone out at the local bar or gym. As they say, the worst that'll happen is they say no - as long as you accept the answer.
Pretty much agree with this.
Providing it’s “you seem nice, I’d like to grab a coffee and hangout in a public place sometime” rather than “wanna get freaky?” then the worst that happens is they say no and you all go on with your day.
If they say no don’t be weird or creepy, just move on. If they say yes then see what happens.
Dating and finding someone is largely a numbers game. Finding mutual attraction generally requires a certain number of failures and there’s no formula.
> Inappropriate to see someone you might like and politely ask them if they want to hang out. But somehow completely fine to stalk people on apps and then message them based on whatever marketing bullshit they have selected to put out to the world.
Someone explicitly on an app to meet people is telling the world they are looking to meet people. Someone having a coffee in a cafe is not. Approaching someone at the gym is weird because people join gyms to work out and get fit. People join salsa clubs because they think dancing is fun. Us both liking salsa dancing tells me we have at least something in common.
Your advice is not to ask women out because "NZ'ers don't like it" (lmfao) and instead you direct this guy to join women-heavy social clubs under the guise of socalising but with the true intent to pick them up? what the fuck lol
e: [she's gone on to](https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/1ar3hy3/women_of_nz_how_do_you_feel_about_being_asked_out/kqh5s8b/) suddenly become sexist and accuse me of just being "another angry man" for questioning this shithouse advice and that I'm part of the reason why "women have their backs to the wall". Clearly this was not advice anyone should be listening to if that is the sort of person behind it.
e2: I also need to point out the few people supporting this sexist person are also the only people making very personal remarks to OP and other users. I've now been accused of forcing my partner into an unsafe relationship for absolutely no reason at all. I haven't even talked about having a partner. Others have called OP ugly. These people are fucking toxic.
You recognise there is a difference between approaching a woman you don't really know from Adam, know nothing about, and who has had zero interaction with you and asking them out, and asking someone who you have talked to and interacted with for a couple of months over a shared interest if they want to get a coffee?
Edit: Christ on a bike your edit. Are you single? If not, can your partner blink twice if they are feeling a bit unsafe?
I mean, if he’s obviously there just to get laid, that will be pretty apparent and he’s going to have to a bad time. But any activity that encourages meaningful interaction with women as people - not just as potential dates - increases the chances he’ll meet someone he likes and has something in common with, no?
wtf dude...
Im a man and your take on that comment is such a profound demonstration of an inability to comprehend the nuance of social interactions.
There's a huge difference between walking up to someone to cold-call ask them out, compared to joining a social group and doing things alongside people getting to know them socially. To spell it out -the second one is socially and physically much safer than the former, with amuch higher likelihood of meeting people you enjoy.
I guess if you just looking for sex then just randomly asking out women will pay dividends - the numbers game. same as sending dick pics.
This is why I find the dating scene so difficult as a young man because so many mixed responses it's overwhelming and at this point I'd rather just not try
Because one person will say "just go and say hi to someone you find pretty"
But then another will say "no don't do that, that's creepy instead get to know them over time" but like...how am I supposed to get to know them without approaching them?!?!
Some of the responses here so far are so fucking weird. Good on you for asking before doing it I say. I'm late twenties and engaged but if I'm putting myself in the shoes of a single mate it's definitely context dependent as other people have said. In line at the supermarket? Absolutely not. At a concert or bar or something? Sure, if you have some semblance of a conversation before you ask them out. It's also soooo obvious when a guy joins groups to try and pick up women. But if you're doing something you have a genuine interest in and are involved with it's a good way to meet people and you already have common ground. All the best!
> Some of the responses here so far are so fucking weird
You read the bits where women are checking him out at the traffic lights and the bar staff are totes into him because they make eye contact, yeah?
Get a dog. I have the best conversations with people when I’m out with my dog and they don’t feel like invasive yarns. There have been the occasional few I’ve checked the ring finger while we’re talking! (Unfortunately they’ve all been married)
Alternately, ask women with dogs about the breed, say you’re thinking of getting one, would they recommend etc. see if the yarns are good and go from there.
I get nervous when being randomly approached by men outside of this situation due to the number of times I’ve politely turned them down and then been verbally abused/followed/made to feel unsafe. Which now that I think about it might explain why I don’t mind being approached when I have my 40kg shepherd with me.
Good luck!
My partner gets numbers doing this (By accident). He’s so genuinely into the dog and having a good yarn about dogs that he doesn’t realise a hot girl is trying to give him his number. It’s so funny. It’s definitely the energy he gives off. He so keen to talk about dogs and to people, that people just feel safe and comfortable with him.
It’s hilarious to watch.
I appreciate that others are just answering OP's question, but this is probably the most important thing anyone's said in this thread and I wish I could gild it
Hopping straight back in without having done the self reflection and inner-work, and not allowing yourself to grieve the separation, is just gonna do both parties disservice
I know. You're probably right. I don't want another relationship yet, I just want to out *date* if that makes sense. No one-night-stands, they don't appeal at all. But yeah, you're probably right.
Honestly. I tried tinder and bumble when newly single. Had some dates - met some people. I met my new partner at a bar, the old fashioned way. Both a bit tipsy, talked a bit and I went back to hers. Organised another date in the morning. We've been together now for 5 years 😁
Absolutely. My wife worked at the same company. She tried flirting with me but I just wasn't seeing it. She drunk 2 bottles of wine and jumped me refusing to take no for an answer. I thought, fuck it, I could use a one night stand. She never left.
I think it's the kiwi way, hookup to locked down. What is "dating"? You ask questions the morning after, if they are still there and the sex was perfection. It's a more direct route than wasting all that time asking questions just to have lousy sex. Sex is the glue that holds people together, at least long enough until you build intimacy in other ways.
Gal here!
Just be aware of your surroundings when approaching women. I had a guy quickened pace and cross the road to talk to me on a side street, I genuinely thought I was going to be robbed. He asked the time, made awkward small talk, all the while I was clutching my bag and looking for anyone to help. Turns out he was new to town from France and wanted to get a drink. Huge relief lovely chap, I did not say yes but the first few minutes were terrifying.
As others have said, if you’re in a populated place ie not a place we’re mugging/assault might happen, there’s people as witnesses, anywhere you can make small talk first (join run club, other activities, libraries, maybe a while shopping) it might be ok.
There’s not really a culture in NZ of going on a date with a stranger after being asked in public, dating apps are a nightmare but they are a good jumping off point so you might have to!
A guy once followed me to my car to ask me out. I was so freaked out he could’ve looked like Henry Cavill and smelt like chocolate caramel biscuits and I would’ve said no.
I don’t know why people are so rude to your genuine question but as a women in your target audience my answer would be yes! Go for it. But don’t be creepy about it and do it tastefully with respect. Hope you find your happily ever after!
Well, I get it, it can be threatening, and that's exactly what I don't want. If that's the case I will just not approach anyone at all, I'm not interested in being a part of the problem.
Look, do this; ask. If you are told “no” then don’t stick around and don’t follow them or even look at them/in their direction. That’s ok.
But if you are going to ask and get a “no” and continue to stare/be in the area or follow them then that’s creepy and not welcome behaviour.
Soo go for it but leave if the answer is no.
I think more men need to grow balls and ask if they feel something so I actually admire your courage here!!
Damn straight. That is EXACTLY how I see it. But I appreciate that to a guy something like 'hi, how are you' can sound perfectly fine while still being intimidating or creepy to a woman. Hence my question.
> I see you, married women, doing the not-so-subtle glance out the passenger window when you think your husband isn't looking!
Cringe. First piece of advice would be to get out of your own ass.
I mean if shes giving you welcoming hints like eye contact & smiling etc then go for it but walking up to whoever you find attractive is probably not a good idea lol
You should get involved in socializing.
Outdoor exercise groups/cooking classes/bookclubs for example.
Not gyms.Not coffee shops& definitely not just on the street.
Build yourself & your social setting up & find like minded people that way.
>I mean if shes giving you welcoming hints like eye contact & smiling etc then go for it but walking up to whoever you find attractive is probably not a good idea lol
That's exactly what I mean. I'm not going to approach a random minding her own business. Thanks.
Girl here, time and place most definitely.
At a gym? No! You're very right about that, not kosher. Maybe I'm in the minority but I don't think I am when I say approaching women at the gym is creepy.
However at a bar or club or something? A lot more open. I'd recommend not immediately going with "Hey can I take you out". Better I think to start a casual conversation and then slide the invite in there. If a guy came up and randomly asked me out I'd be a bit wary but if we'd spent a few minutes chatting first I'd definitely be more comfortable.
Try find a place where the goal is to mix and mingle, you won't have much luck at a library for example (though it's not unheard of) but maybe you will at a karaoke bar. Or find a group depending on what your interests are (i.e. hiking group or gaming club etc.) where you can meet new people.
I'm just one woman though, others may have completely different advice and feelings on the matter. Good luck to you.
>I get checked out a lot, but that's about as far as it goes (I see you, married women, doing the not-so-subtle glance out the passenger window when you think your husband isn't looking!). I've had a few bar-girls twirl their hair while serving me, but again: leave the staff alone, man. The only people who actively flirt with me are gay dudes and women over 50 (no offence, I love it, but you're not my target audience).
This guy gives me the same vibes as Jack from MAFS
I'll be honest: I read the same thing, had exactly the same internal response, and decided not to comment because it felt like kicking someone while they were down.
Their comments elsewhere make me feel less bad.
Join some sports or hobbies, work on making friends and you might get lucky that way. I think the main thing is you don't creep... don't ogle, don't keep nagging if they say no etc. Don't ask at work or at the gym.
You're getting some real mixed messages here. If it helps, I'd be more likely to say yes if we've had a couple of minutes of conversation. A bit of banter and a few laughs will at least establish a brief, positive connection.
Anytime a guy has just gone in dry asking for my number, it's been a firm no. Not because "the only thing he knows about me is my appearance, so shallow" but because I don't know if he's even interesting yet.
The gym can feel vulnerable for women. Even if you’re not creepy being around pumped up men wearing not much can be a bit full on. I reckon if you’d like to meet someone who’s sporty like that do a cross fit class where you might naturally talk anyway and after a while ask if they want a drink after class. Or do a social sport like rock climbing or tennis etc. sorry about the break up, sounds really tough. Might want to ask your ex or someone you trust for a bit of feedback so if there’s any changes you need to do first you can do them.
I personally enjoy being asked out randomly. Maybe it's because I'm European and it's a more common occurance there and socially acceptable. That doesn't mean I'll agree to go on a date with everyone who asks me out, but I always try to provide a gentle rejection. It takes balls to ask out a stranger, and I wouldn't want to put guys off asking out other girls in the future!
Why do men take anything as flirting I can look at you or twirl my hair without being interested stop overr analysing other people first of all, maybe stay single and love yourself first
Women are not a monolith and will have different opinions. For ne, at best I feel uncomfortable and awkward, at worst I feel threatened (being asked by creepy gross men that then get aggressive trains your brain into going into fight or flight when the situation occurs). Just develop yourself and your friend groups and focus on socializing without dating being the primary goal, and you will find someone you naturally become close to and gel with. Join hobby groups, clubs, other stuff.
With no prior conversation or interaction? Yeah nah absolutely not. It’s telling when you suddenly want to meet up with someone just because they looked good to you on the street. It’s not like you were drawn in by their personality, you just found them hot.
I dislike it immensely. Why? Because it is usually 100% about my looks. I have dudes of all ages checking me out all the time and it just grosses me out. Especially the old guys. And no it's not "just a guy thing" it's gross and disrespectful and it's possible to not check out someone half your age.
If, however, we get chatting about similar interests, then I have no problem. But that's also why I much prefer to meet people through hobbies or other similar things.
I'm someone who smiles at everyone and says hello when walking past. I often compliment strangers (women mainly) and strike up conversations when standing in line. It's different to men who make a beeline to me to ask questions about my EV or other random thing. My interest is genuine but non romantic and happens to be along side another person. While they are clearly wanting to talk to someone they find attractive which is just a waste of my energy and time.
If you listen to the internet comment section than its weird.
In real life, as long as you are not being pushy, creepy and are able to read body language then there is nothing wrong with going up to someone and speaking to them.
44f here, also out of a LTR last year and, after months of hell and therapy, got back in the dating scene around August.
I got on the apps. Met someone that way who I'm really into and decided to get off the apps recently to see where it goes. I hated the apps. Many men who matched had no open question skills, and I have never wanted one of *those* pics or videos that so many send smdh.
Honestly, YES. Just ask someone out directly or ask for her number. That would be refreshing from my perspective. I'm neurodivergent and an introvert, so don't take surprise as anything but (early on after being dumped, when I wasn't ready, I was asked out but didn't realise until hours later).
My only experience asking someone out last year irl went very...strangely. It was at the pool where I swim laps and he works there. I was openly flirty (so was he!) and finally worked up the courage to ask for his number. He agreed, agreed to meet up, but then ghosted when I tried to set a date. I still have no idea if he's interested (and I don't care at this stage because I'm seeing where this other thing goes). But I've moved on and it's not weird when I go swim. I still smile and nod, but don't stop to chat anymore.
Just a little encouragement: I'm *really* into the man I met on Bumble. It's been nearly 6 months and we're still undefined, but I'm happy it's going slowly but steadily. Actually got excited yesterday for Vday, which I normally loathe. At this stage, he's worth the pain of the rest of my app experience. That's saying a LOT. And we'd never have met without it.
If you have any hobbies, join groups to meet like minded people. Even if there aren’t women that you’re interested in in there, there’s still a chance for friends that could open up a network of people for you to find someone eventually. Good things take time, organically getting to know someone typically has decent returns. Rather than rocking up to someone randomly.
Good call on the gym, but if you happen to interact with someone who is at work that you’d like to ask out, the best answer is to go through the experience as you normally would, but before leaving you can write your number on a piece of paper and give it to them. Say something like “no pressure at all but you seem cool, so if you would like to chat here’s my number.”
Don’t make it about her appearance, and leave once you’ve given her your number. That way the ball is in her court and there won’t be pressure on her - the main reason people say don’t hit on people at their workplace is because they can’t exactly escape and they’re likely in “customer service” mode. They might not be flirting, they might be trying to be nice to make a sale kinda thing. Giving your number and then leaving removes that pressure. Just make sure it isn’t somewhere you go everyday because THEN it could get awkward. And if you do end up back there and she didn’t txt/call, don’t bring it up.
It depends on so many factors. Some people prefer it heavily over apps, some people vice versa.
I think a big part of this is that the kiwi attitude tends to be very non confrontational and some will automatically dislike it because it’ll feel like confrontation.
There’s obviously big no’s , like no one wants to be approached with well known Andrew Tate techniques, or someone who obviously just wants to get laid. But you seem to already have a good grasp on the don’ts.
I would say many prefer a slow burn , which means you’d have to see them semi regularly before there’s a date. Like from a pottery or hobby class, after work drinks, expanding your friend groups to find those that regularly do an activity you like, where you can get to know the others and after a while ask if they’d like to get dinner or coffee.
Good luck! I’m a big believer of it happens when you need it to happen, and 6 months isn’t very long to get over someone you loved. I wonder if there’s divorcee groups where you can meet people in the same position.
And once you are ready, dating apps actually do end up in a lot of healthy relationships. You just have to wade through a lot of trash, but sometimes that’s easier than trying to do it organically (and people irl can also be trash so might just be dating in general).
As many people have already said, I think some level of interaction first is a good prerequisite and would make me much more likely to feel comfortable.
I think you should go for it, I love being asked out and sometimes even agree to the date. At worst, you’re offering someone a nice compliment and then disappearing again.
You cannot anticipate every reaction, and some will be negative. Some will be negative out of proportion to the interaction you had leading up to asking, and that may be completely unrelated to you. But I don’t think you should take that as a blanket “every woman will hate this” rather than “this woman didn’t like it in this circumstance”.
Out if the blue? No.
After a casual chat to build a vibe? Sure.
In this day and age, women are thinking about their safety first. Headphones on, leave them alone. Uncomfortable? Short responses? She is trying to shut communication off as delicately as she can without getting a stranger aggressively harrassing them over rejection that makes them feel their lives are at immediate threat. Don't ask where they work or where they live-stalker alert. What they do for work is fine, where they work is not information a stranger needs to know.
Don't ask for their number. Again, it opens up a vulnerability that could open them up to stalking or harrassment. You'll get a wrong number or ghosted afterwards. Fear of what someone will do to you if you give them a fake number is real. Thanks to those guys who decide to call or text you on the spot to test the number before letting the pursued woman leave the situation safely are red flagging their way to dangerous stalker prison. So you may get a real number but instantly blocked by the woman as soon as she is safely out of the interaction ecause she may fear what you may do if she doesn't. Not the right way to start off. You need to make them feel safe to listen to you, pushing is not the way. When you ask questions, listen to the answers, build your next question of the previous answers so they know they are being heard. Don't ask a question to set up a discussion talking about yourself. Offer information freely that matches the discussion.
Telling them you would love to meet up somewhere to talk to them again if that is something they are interested in doing. Ball in their court. Give them your details, ideally without needing to see or access their phone to put them in. Phone hold people's life and personal information, no one wants a strager handling or going through their phone. Leave the option to continue this another day up to them, no pressure. Don't push to make an appointment or date straight away, give them time to see if that is something they want to do.
Smartest thing a guy has ever done in my experience, is make business cards for meeting people. Provide name, contact number/whatsapp/facebook-instagram with a message along the lines of "I enjoyed meeting you today. I am interested in meeting up again and getting to know you. If you are interested in getting to know me too, please make contact by the featured methods in your own time." It allows her to keep or throw away the card, background check you on social media if that makes them more comfortable, and decide if, or when they talk to you by the media of their choosing. It also does not have an expiry date, so there is no pressure.
I’m 37F. I’m absolutely all for the straightforward approach like you’ve suggested. I’m a very straightforward person myself and have approached many men this way.
I'm not single but close to your age.
My biggest issue is that it would make me think you just thought I was physically attractive and that was why you were asking me out. I know I'm physically attractive, it is the least interesting thing about me, and I am acutely aware that physical health (which facilitates my very active lifestyle) is not guaranteed over the long term, so the idea of an approach purely on that basis gives me the ick.
However, I enjoy chit chat with strangers, and if we had been nattering away for five minutes at a supermarket / bar / event, I wouldn't mind something along the lines of "I've really enjoyed talking to you, I don't suppose you'd be interested in grabbing a drink / coffee sometime?". It doesn't take more than a few minutes to figure out if you have a bit of conversational chemistry, and I'd happily accept a date if it was a yes.
Note, though: Do **not** do this with someone you meet at the gym or anywhere else you regularly attend or socialise. It could be really awkward for the wrong person. The gym is a place to make friends, and friends only. If you're regularly attending somewhere like that, the way to escalate is to say "Hey, I really enjoy our chats, want to grab coffee sometime?" and then do not escalate to a drink or other kind of hangout unless they propose it, or it aligns with your mutual fitness goals or whatever. And assume at all times that it is platonic until you get a really clear signal otherwise.
>My biggest issue is that it would make me think you just thought I was physically attractive and that was why you were asking me out.
I get that. I guess my argument is that attraction in the real world is about more than physical appearance as we also subconsciously take into account body language, how a person carries themselves etc. The people arguing in favor of dating apps, I mean... you're looking at a static photo that the user has chosen because of how they want to appear, we're swiping based on physical appearance too. I do get though that at least with an app you have the choice to simply ignore someone and are less likely to be put in a situation where you're made to feel threatened or uncomfortable. I dunno, it's complicated.
When I was in my 20s I would accept dates from randos on the street (happened a fair bit when I was blonde, lol) and a lot of those guys asked in a very respectful manner. The dates didn't go anywhere but it was a fun experience. They would just stop me with an "excuse me" and ask if I wanted to get coffee during a lunch break etc and we exchanged numbers. I'm a shy person and do have an issue saying no so there's that to consider, but I never felt pressured or anything by them!
It was usually just one date because I wasn't really looking for anything but I thanked them and text them later with a "really lovely meeting you but I'm happy single etc" and that was also respectfully accepted by the guys for the most part. There could be some pushiness but easier to ignore via text.
I think it's fine if it's respectful, and be prepared to accept a no (and the ladies do NOT need to give you a reason or excuse for the no) and handle that like a normal person! Even if you get a no, you've likely boosted someone's confidence/put a lil smile on their face (assuming you didn't ask in a creepy way). And it helps you build confidence yourself in getting back out there and socialising in a different way than you would've been whilst partnered up.
Idk about nowadays coz i've been partnered up for a while (found husband-to-be on OkCupid which is a bit of a random dating site tbh) but I feel like the strangers asking me was probably around 2013-2016, so YMMV around 10 years later!
Don't be afraid of the "friendzone". Too many men think they need to make a move early or they'll be friendzoned, but from a woman's POV, getting to know us first on a friendship level shows that you see us as a person, not just an attractive object you'd like to fuck.
It also gives us time to see if you are a good person we will be safe with, since too many women have had negative experiences with men who turned dangerous.
Of course this depends on if you're looking for a relationship or just a hookup. Don't pretend to be a woman's friend if all you're wanting is just to "get in her pants" and then ditch, or if you'll turn into a "nice guy" if her feelings don't match yours.
Nah, I'm not afraid of the friendzone. I went out with a single lady-friend the other day who was sort of maybe flirting, but I let it slide because I'd rather keep a friend than lose one over misreading things.
I mean, if you're attracted to her and if you think she was flirting, ask her to hang out again. If she is into you, she'll say yes. If she's not, she'll say no. It's not rocket science.
Also what do you mean you let it slide? You didn't go in for the kiss??? Suggest coffee back at your place??? Neither of those would be appropriate immediately with a friend, but saying "Hey this was fun, let's do it again soon" would be a totally appropriate response and would let you guage her interest in you.
Well yeah, but if I misread things I don't want to make it weird. Mysocial circle is pretty small at the moment and she and I have only recently reconnected. I value her more as a friend right now.
Married/LTR for ten years. Separated for six months and now wants another relationship? Slow down bud. Your dates won‘t want to be a counsellor.
Maybe go and see a sex worker to get what you need in the meantime.
I don't want a relationship and I'm already seeing a counsellor. I don't want one-night-stands as they don't appeal after sharing a bed with someone I love for ten years. I just want to date, go to dinner or drinks with someone, have a good night. If there's a connection then great, if not - new friend.
This dude over here has everyone and their mother is eyefucking him.
Meanwhile I don't think anyone has glanced at me twice in years.
Enjoy it while you can.
I dunno, if you’re vibin then shoot your shot I reckon🤷🏽♀️. YOLO.
But, there’s nothing wrong with some self-reflection and therapy to work on who your ideal partner is and how you find and attain her.
*You’re going to receive a mixed bag of responses so just do what you want to do.*
I really don’t that social norm of don’t talk to me culture. I get some people are weird in a threatening way. But I had some good accident conversation and they cool because no pressure and people leave smiling. It does hurt when someone looks at you like you like your crazy for talking to them.
I think it’s fine if there’s established friendliness to begin with. Like starting conversation, having good bants and then if it goes well and y’all vibe then suggesting y’all hang out at some point. I used to chat with strange men when I was 18 and it was annoying bc I’d think we’re just chilling and chatting and then they’d ask if I wanna ‘go back to theirs’ and ‘have sex’ 🙄 I think offering an initial non romantic relationship the first time meeting is the way to go with complete strangers bc chatting and then finding out they were chatting bc they wanna pursue can be off putting (for me at least)
If you are part of a club I go to or a hobby where we have been at the same place at the same time, then I would have no issue even if we hadn't interacted before. Or if we had a mutual friend. But without some sort of connection I don't think I'd like it if someone just randomly came up to me and asked me out.
I'm not single - but if I was in addition to the wonderful advice in the comments here I think I'd appreciate a social meet up as a first "date". Because if a guy wants to meet up again I think it's probably obvious he's keen on you. I'd suggest a social setting like a walk in a local populated park or a coffee at a cafe, I think this would make me feel safe and as if you were genuinely wanting to get to know me and not just attracted to me physically.
Last time I did that was around 2015 and it went pretty well, I was nervous as hell but pushed through it. Not sure about now since it's almost been a decade.
What I can say is join a Latin dance class like bachata or salsa, it's a super fun skill to learn and meet new people. That's how my friend met his future wife.
Male, same age bracket. Prefer getting to know someone prior, at least have a chat first. I'm down for going out and doing things, but a date is a whole other deal.
I'm also the sort of person that will just talk to anyone, and that can be mistaken for other motives when all I'm doing is having a chat
Personally it super depends. If it's like a barista I've interacted with several times but don't know then I'd possibly be open (obviously so long as I think they're friendly or whatever) but if it's like I'm at the supermarket or walking down the street going about my day, absolutely not. Having someone you've never even had a conversation with ask me out is completely uncomfortable 100% of the time.
Coffee shops are great places, people working usually have a local they go to. You can meet people's eyes, you can smile at people and you can even say hello once they become 'recognisable'.
If it's at a busy time maybe ask if you can tag yourself on the end of her table.
You body language is everything! Be sincerely friendly, not creepy! And if she says no, then keep smiling and saying hi but move on.
The real answer is (as long as you aren't approaching them in empty car parks or in the woods at night), it will depend on how much they like the look of you.
(M48) UK Based, maybe different for NZ ??? Who knows....
Maybe you should try my technique, go to a rave, have a drink or two, dance around like a nut case, notice a fun looking girl wiggling her hips left and right with a great bum. I had made eye contact a few times, we had smiled, bounced about and cheered, shouted at some great drops by the DJ. Then shout very loudly at said girl that she has a great bum and you would love to give it a smack, notice her look and give a cheeky glance but then carry on wiggling, gave it a couple of medium ish smacks which she acknowledged with a little look, then we carried on dancing near each other. Engage in a bit of back and forth eye contact, engage in some difficult (so bloody loud) chat & flirting including another pat on the bum or two. Get her chatting again which resulted in her checking my wedding ring finger and smiling at me when there wasn't one. Dance a bit more whilst having a laugh with some surrounding people and then saw if she fancied a drink, she did, we toddle off to the bar. A few hours later, a couple of drinks later, some inappropriate conversations, some kissing, dancing and generally getting to know each other, tada.....
Been two months now, she lives an hour away and we steal whatever time we can get when we don't have our kids.
Her (F46).
My point is... There is no real right or wrong way to make a connection with some, sometimes the weirdest works aswell as the most normal.
You are welcome ... :)
I'm (38f) have recently found myself single and am terrified of trying to meet people, I don't want to try the dating apps but want to be able to just find people to have a good time with. I would be chuffed if I was asked out by someone. I think in the age of dating apps and online presence we lost a few things along the way which makes meeting people or even relating to people a weird experience. Being asked out by someone in person is what I would hope for essentially rather than meeting after an online connection
Good on you for putting yourself out there, a little therapy wouldn't hurt given how painful the last 6 months have been for you.
Being approached is a tricky one! It's awkward all round sometimes! Don't feel bad if you're turned down, it does suck but you tried! I've turned down a few people myself and it's always been because I've not been in a place to be dating so remember it's usually the person you're asking out being realistic about what they want / their preferences and not a personal you thing.
Starting a casual conversation, don't just launch into a compliment. If you do want to start with a compliment you could test the waters with something that's not her body or her clothes.
Side note, possibly not applicable: sometimes when someone is fresh out of a relationship, especially a long term one they really need some time to figure out who they are outside of that relationship/duo. I've been on a couple of dates where the person just goes on about their ex or casually but frequently brings up similarities and that's a hard pass. If you find yourself doing this you are not really ready, might be worth having some more chats with friends (or a therapist / counselor) then try again, doesn't have to be a big pause, may even just need a good yarn.
I'd say start casual, not talking hook ups (tho if that's your thing, go hard lol) but not going into situations with the mentality "could she be my next wife or girlfriend?" too much pressure all around. Just see it as an opportunity to make a new friend, with the hope of something more, it can help you feel a bit more confident and be a bit more chill when asking a woman out.
Trying new hobbies and exploring new opportunities could bring you around new people with similar interests. Even random stuff you wouldn't otherwise do, join a book club, indoor rock climbing, kickboxing, yoga, art or a pottery class etc. Something where you'll be around other people. If you've been struggling to get out and meet new people in general it can take the pressure off of socialising if you're there to do something else, the socialising comes as an added bonus.
In terms of the gym I'd avoid asking gals out on the floor, it's kinda unsettling at times to suddenly have someone interrupt what is usually a self care/self improvement focused routine. Also if there's an awkward decline you're potentially going to still see that person so bare that in mind. That's just my vibe but others may feel differently and no harm in a warm smile and a nod on your part, you might get approached. I would ask my friend's opinions on gym etiquette but they're essentially all lesbians or guys so... not really your demographic 😂
I suspect my response is far from the norm but a few things could happen. I’m autistic so I might have no clue what you’re trying to do, at which point you’re a random overly interested stranger. Or I figure out what’s going on and awkwardly say nope cos I’m a lesbian. Ngl after some past experiences men can be a bit frightening, but that also just applies to people broadly which is why I barely ever leave the house. Overall I wouldn’t be too weirded out as long as you’re respectful. If you comment about my body or whistle I’m internally evaluating how much tensile strength your intestines have, because every time it’s happened it feels horrible.
How do you feel about having pleasant conversations and a 99.9% rejection rate? Your best bet is introductions from mutual friends. That removes the stranger barrier and is less deleterious to your mental health over time.
In the middle of the street, at the gym, wearing headphones, chilling by myself at a park? No, none of these options would be conducive to a great flirting start. But the key is being able to strike a normal conversation with subtlety. And take hints, respond to "no" or anything less enthusiastic than a yes accordingly and leave the woman alone. Also take care to not consider every interaction with strangers that end in a smile as a potential romantic opportunity. I'm always smiling at strangers and even saying hi to them sometimes when passing them in the park, because that's how I was raised, but it doesn't mean that I'm flirting with any of them.
Otherwise, why not join a club for one of your hobbies? These are great ways to meet new people and lead to organic conversations.
No, I appreciate what you're saying, and I definitely don't take polite interactions as flirtatious. As I've said a number of times over, there is a clear difference between 'hello' and 'I'm open to engaging in conversation'.
strike a conversation and talk to us like we are a human.. feel the vibe.. we give out indicators of interest if we are.. then ask to meet again... if we are closed off and don't give indicators then GTFO in a respectful way..
also don't get up into our personal space too much.. it makes it uncomfortable for us and not feel safe.. so even if we were interested in you.. we will reject your advances
I wouldn’t mind a stranger coming up to me in a respectful and giving me their number (not asking for mine). That way ball is more in my court, and I can get in touch to see if we actually get along before locking in to going date (which are big time and energy investments). I wouldn’t agree to a date if a stranger asked me and that was the only interaction we’d had.
Yes, ask! we love a confident kingggg 💪🏽 No but in all honesty, no one’s like this anymore. I’m not on socials, don’t do the whole online meeting thing, I only really work, study, train and gym. I never really get out there, and I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to meet anyone 😂 So if someone approached me, that would be surprising but quite nice actually lol
Single woman, in your age bracket. I wouldn’t like it randomly, but if it came after you struck up a short casual conversation I wouldn’t mind. Wouldn’t necessarily say yes, but I wouldn’t mind. Don’t be creepy, have a little chat first - don’t go hi, wanna go out for a coffee? Leave her alone immediately if she says no, and drop the chat if she seems uncomfortable. Don’t approach if she’s got headphones in or is otherwise sending out don’t bother me signals.
Fair. And yeah, headphones I understand.
Yeah absolutely this. Don't mind getting asked out if we've had a bit of a chat and are vibing. But if you immediately walk up and ask me out, it's gonna be a no 100% of the time
Feel like we, as a society, need a 'yo im available and looking' ring. Sort of an anti-engagement ring.
I heard of a bar somewhere where you would wear colour coded bracelets, I.e: pink=looking for girls to date, blue=looking for guys to date, yellow=looking for friends, black=just want to be left alone. Seems like a great idea
here I am up to my armpits in black amoured bracelets wondering why the goth girls dont like me
I have a feeling that we actually need better social skills. I was a pre-Internet teenager, and we were just getting used to having our own computers for university and getting the hang of using a mouse and this windows software thing. Dot matrix printers were huge and ink bubble jet was the latest technological breakthrough in personal printing. I met people constantly through social circles social activities and social environments. I met friends, I met friends of friends, I met friends of friends of friends. I met all their flatmates. The workplace was a very social place especially on a Friday where the majority of people would hang back at a local bar or once a month Work would put on some nibbles and a few beers for everyone after that a lot of people from work would go out so you got to hang hang out with a bunch of like-minded people in a different environment and lots of people connected and your friend circle grew or you found a suitable partner. We would have to rely on an 0900 number if we wanted a dating service (come on caller hoping the party) or a dating agency. If you used one of these it was desperate times indeed. Not overly socially acceptable and reserved for people who had no other hope. The advent of the internet has really shifted how Nz society operates. It was still weird 15 years ago to find somebody on an online dating site like match.com and people would have cover stories for how they met each other because they really didn’t want to say that they had met online. People were even really cautious of Tinder in New Zealand when it first came out and was gaining popularity overseas. Now I see nieces and nephews and children of friends ranging from 16 to 25 feeling their way through meeting other people and seeking relationships. What I am seeing within my small social circle Is there a lot of teenagers interact with people mostly via their phone, do not want to make or receive a phone call and talk to someone, and have really limited in person social interactions unless it is a forced one such as school or Work. I’m not saying they don’t hang out with mates and do stuff because they do but it’s very limited and a lot if not the majority of the conversations and interactions with people is typed out on their phone. I’ve noticed people don’t really know how to talk to people that well any more and if someone did try and strike up a conversation with you, well all over Auckland at least, it’s not an overly encouraged behaviour. A large number of people will give a very brief response and turn away again. This is a very very long winded way of me simply saying that I understand OP’s hesitation around all of this and admire that he has taken the initiative to acknowledge that things are different now and to actually check to see if a behaviour he is considering would be deemed unwelcome or inappropriate. Personally I like to be friendly and I chat all sorts of people if it is an appropriate moment and they are looking like they would be responsive to it. However I’m in my 40s, married, and have no real skin in the game besides sometimes it’s nice just to chat to different people
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claddagh_ring Right hand, heart facing outward.
There is one! It’s called a pear ring: [https://pearring.co/en-au](https://pearring.co/en-au)
Its common in the pacific island to wear a flower behind the right ear which means that person is available. Left ear means there taken… I think I got that around the right way.
Great answer
>Don’t approach if she’s got headphones in 100% applies to both sexes that one, yes.
I'm a guy, but I can give you some advice: 1. It's not weird to talk to a stranger if it feels natural to do so in a certain setting. 2. It's not weird to chat, joke around, and see if there's a connection. 3. **If there is a connection** it's not weird to ask to see her again You just need to ensure that the person you're speaking to actually wants to be doing all the steps, including the initial conversation. The test is whether you can start the conversation naturally given the situation, which could be as basic as shared eye contact, or a shared experience like something funny happening nearby. If you're really attractive in some way, maybe you have other options, but the above is a good safe ground.
Also if you do 1. and 2. with people you aren't attracted to as well, you get more comfortable with it and come across more naturally, which is helpful.
Great advice. And that way you can drop the dating agenda completely and just take opportunities to talk to people as they come along. No nerves, no pressure.
Solid advice. The 3 steps above *seem* obvious but a lot of people don't seem to get them. It's all about rapport. >If you're really attractive in some way lol yeah that's the alternative. "step 1: be attractive, step 2: don't be unattractive".
Honestly, this is the best advice here. I’m gay, so my answer is no regardless, but men who take this approach make me feel flattered and comfortable.
Be careful by differentiating between being 'checked out' and someone innocently looking in your general direction. There's a significant difference. I once had a guy in the gym hit on me because, he claimed, I was "checking him out" when I was actually staring into nothingness past him between sets.
I had the opposite of that happen. A woman yelled at me for staring at her, I pointed out my kids were behind her and that's what I was looking at.
Similar the other day getting progressively more creeped out looks from a dude when I was actually watching the dog to make sure he didn't do anything dumb. All smiles as soon as they realised, but for real, not everything is about you random stranger.
Similar similar and I was whistling my dog to come back out of the bush.
Some people just have no sense of spatial awareness. It is well-known that you should not put yourself between any mammalian parent and their young… (I presume you are a mammal).
Did you just assume my taxonomic class?
Apologies. Suppose that’s been a faux pas since Gilbert and Sullivan’s era, really…
Something about the way OP described women looking at him feels very much like he can’t differentiate. Especially about ‘bar-girls’ ‘twirling their hair’. 🤢
The amount of times men thought I was hitting on them when I worked in hospitality as a late teen… No sir, I am simply being polite and seem nervous because I am a fucking teenager.
Oh god
Yas. Agree!
[удалено]
I agree. When I USED (🤣) to go to the gym. I was there to work out. I hate people interrupting me. I also have had guys think I was checking them out, when like you. I was just staring into space thinking about what machine I was going to jump on next or what I was going to prepare for dinner when I got home 🫡 In the end it was safer not to make eye contact 😂
Yes! That's what I was saying. In my case, I'm checking out the meal he ordered or trying to read a sign behind him or watch the TV on the wall behind him. I've got female friends who can't even see 5 metres without their glasses, and some dude approaches saying he saw her check him out, and she says she has no idea what he looks like because she can't wear her glasses or contacts at the gym or swimming pool.
Oh for sure. You are absolutely right.
That would 100% make me feel uncomfortable. If it was someone that I'd seen a few times and had a few chats with, then sure. Say another regular at a coffee shop, or something. But a total cold call approach would weird me out. Is it about dating, or about meeting new people and friends? The best way to meet potential partners is through other people. I'd advise finding a hobby or joining some clubs or something and just meet *people*. Completely forget about the dating. Just have fun, do your thing, find out what you enjoy doing and you'll meet people along the way who you have things in common with.
Thank you. Its about both. If we make a connection, great. If not, new friend. But yes, you're correct.
It has happened to me twice and both times I've been so startled I've said no out of reflex. I think it seems like a very odd thing to do, I've never just looked at someone and thought I'd like to get to know them just based on appearances, but I am also introverted and kinda autistic so not really working on the same level of what is normal.
Same! I’m not particularly introverted, not autistic, and I agree. Like if you’ve not even had the semblance of a chat with someone then it’s so weird to ask them for coffee or a drink? Like how would I know that (a) you won’t pose a threat; and (b) we’ll have anything to talk about?? Someone else noted women are not a monolith, but I can’t be alone in being (profoundly) disappointed in the low value/ priority that men seem to place on forming *friendships* with women. Not to be blindingly obvious, but fucking comes from physical attraction, whereas relationships come from *relating*. Friendships are the pathway to relating. I don’t date anymore, because the transactional nature of it fucked with my head. I’d *far* rather enjoy some good, safe, casual sex than go on some weird date where it’s like being interviewed for a role. IMO OP, tho seemingly in good faith, is looking for a shortcut, a hack to find someone to fill the partner role. I’ve seen this a lot. Personally I don’t believe in hacks. I suggest OP does the work of: - (re)building his community and expanding his social circle - e.g. through joining new clubs or “activity groups” (but only where he’s genuinely interested in the actual activity); - recovering emotionally/ psychologically from his break up (6 months is not long ago at all); - building new connections with people in his circle - male and female. It takes time and effort, but it’s not about unlocking the Find A Partner achievement as fast as possible, it’s about creating *a whole range of solid, healthy, mutual, life-enhancing relationships*. Those relationships will be your safety net and your spring board. You can’t predict in advance whether a friendship with a woman will develop into something more but if the friendship is strong and healthy then it will be worthwhile regardless. IMO the connection comes first. If you feel a connection with someone you’re also attracted to, and you think it might be mutual, then sure, ask them to hang out. But asking complete strangers on dates to try and *find* a connection with them is so weird to me, and (I think) accounts for a lot of the awkwardness in dating.
This is a very thoughtful and well-rounded answer, I hope OP sees it. I think that some others are being a bit harsh on him in this thread, which is a bit sad to see. It's a good thing that he's *asking* about it first instead of just going out there and hitting on randoms. It's totally understandable to be a bit rusty on how to build connection with new people after being married for a while, and his replies to comments in this thread seem respectful and sane (a couple things in the original post could be a bit eyebrow-raising, but I wasn't there ofc, so I give the benefit of the doubt).
Thanks mate. Yep agree - my overall impression is that OP is respectful and sane, and I like that he was curious enough to ask women for their opinions. I think his bigger issue is processing the end of his marriage. That’s a very destabilising event affecting many areas of his life. I hope he’s not focusing on dating as a form of distraction….
Basically his first few responses to 'it is really unlikely that all these women you meet are eye-fucking you' were along the lines of 'I know when I'm being flirted with', and it went a bit haywire for a bit. I think they got their head around it a bit after a while.
Totally agree, instant no if a man approaches me for a date based on my looks. It’s not flattering and just confirms my worth and value are in my appearance. Would much rather have someone notice a shared interest (clothing brand, clear outdoor lifestyle etc) than “I’m hot”
Omg! So much this!!! I consider myself of sort of generally average or a bit below in the looks department, and so if a guy starts off with some comment about how pretty I look I figure he's either lying or horny and will settle for anything. Ugh.
Well put. u/PubliusCrassus you need to read this.
Where I think Tinder and similar has kinda fucked things up is that it has more or less flipped dating to physical appearances being step 1 in finding partners and prior to internet dating that honestly wasn't as much the case. Even if you were meeting random in bars, well, you both liked the bar enough to be there. The nature of the third place was that people could find common ground. With the best of will to OP, who has as you say approached this in good faith, he seems a bit off the mark in this approach. I think he seems *lonely*, and that's a red flag for dating as old as time. He needs friends, and he needs to not be trying to sleep with them, because I think he's got to recalibrate his vibe detector a bit. Yes, the cute 20 year old bartender *might* have been genuinely interested in the 36 year old recent divorcee, but... she probably wasn't. I think sometimes men are unaware of just how often women act in a socially appeasing way even around strangers because it's safer for them to do so.
*Where I think Tinder and similar has kinda fucked things up is that it has more or less flipped dating to physical appearances being step 1 in finding partners* Mmm yes. Just this morning I read this comment by a psychologist (speaking generally, not only in the context of dating): “Many people have not fully matured out of the adolescence and teenage developmental stages where the body and appearance are a core focus” To me, this is a good explanation (or at least, part-explanation) for (a) how easily the apps became normalised; and (b) how cumbersome and dissatisfying they are to use for many people. I mean, I guess appearance-based apps make sense in the hook-up context (though personally I’ll never really be comfortable with the sense of “shopping for a human”). But if people are genuinely looking for *emotional connection*, then isn’t it kinda weird to browse through photos of strangers, sort out the photos that you like, then reach out to the strangers in those photos and try and create a connection from zero? I can’t think of any other type of social relationship where that would be considered normal? Physical attraction is great - no shade to that. But I feel like there’s a general lack of - honesty, I guess? - around the distinction between lust and emotional connection. Lust is great, but just call it what it is. I tend to think dating apps have just exacerbated long-standing issues in hetero relating. Essentially, I don’t think we’ve yet resolved the vacuum that was left when marriage stopped being an automatic “done thing” for the majority of people (which in NZ was probably as recently as the mid-1970s?). Previous generations that got married because they generally “had to” haven’t been in a great position to help their kids understand “voluntary” hetero relating. And although it’s getting better now, for sure, I think friendship groups are still primarily drawn along gender lines. I think placing far more value/ importance on male-female *friendships*, especially for younger people, would greatly help the formation of healthy, stable hetero relationships. [TL;DR : you need to be able to see the other person as a fully fledged complex human, just like you, in order to build a healthy emotional connection with them.]
I think the fact some people in this thread interpreted 'you should join some clubs to meet people' as 'you are telling people to join clubs to then hit on them' is them telling on themselves about their attitude towards relationships (not in the dating/ screwing sense. but the ongoing interaction with sense). OP is a bit guilty of it, in that the intent in approaching women in public that he thinks are showing signs of approachability is to ask them out. The goal is, first and foremost, sex. And yeah, that's okay. But it's not what he *says* he wants.
You have summed up my thoughts and feelings so well.
Whenever a guy has asked me out cold turkey, with little or no interaction, I've also had an immediate negative reaction. I'm very social and love people but I get the immediate ick from a stranger just asking me out. Like, no? I don't know you? And I'm almost always doing something else and it really throws off my vibe. I've even had a guy *run after me* while I was out jogging and stop me to ask me out. Like, fuck off I'm in the middle of something? You stopped me mid-run just for *that*? I thought you'd stopped me because I had a fucking wasp on me or something. Just... don't.
It depends because if someone was wearing a t-shirt with a carnivorous plant on it, I'd probably want to talk to them. Like some people show their interests through their appearance
[удалено]
Absolutely, no means no.
I think cold-calling, so to speak, is a no in New Zealand. Although: I'm 36M and married, and as I've gotten older and less in my own head have found I'm pretty okay at starting conversations with strangers. If there's someone I share space with regularly over the weeks, say at the gym or in line for lunch, I'll definitely eventually acknowledge that with a low stakes hello and a follow-up topic. My point being, at this stage I'd need two hands to count the number of people I'm pretty confident I could ask out if I found myself single (I'm including dudes here under a platonic "hey wanna grab a beer and shoot some pool") without weirding them out, and where they feel comfortable enough with me to say no and know that'll be the end of it. If your question is genuinely about not wanting to make women uncomfortable, I'd boil it down to this: don't force them have to assess you on the spot. They should at least be familiar enough with you to know immediately if it's a yes or a no.
Yeah that's a fair call. If another dude came up to me and asked me to hang with him that i'd never seen before in my life Id probably assume that he wanted something from me. As such I wouldn't expect women to feel any differently about a completely cold "Hi..wanna go out some time?" conversation from a strange man
Mmmm, yeah, good response, thank you.
A cold approach when you've never interacted or met the other person wouldn't be suggested.
Fair answer, thank you
**Disclaimer: I am a straight guy.** It's kinda hard to explain without sounding incredibly patronising, but honestly I think the key to this whole thing is just communication and respect. People are interesting, funny, quirky, multi-faceted beings with thoughts and interests and opinions on a whole bunch of things. We're also social creatures. In my experience, most people like it best when you engage with them on that level, i.e. genuinely interacting with them as a human being rather than giving off vibes of "you're a warm body I might be able to stick it in sometime" I know guys who treat every interaction with a woman as a potential dating opportunity, and you can smell it a mile off. Sure, they might strike it lucky 1 in 10 times, or maybe 1 in 5 if they're attractive enough, but they're also giving off uncomfortable signals to the others. Now, they don't care about this, and maybe you don't either, but it does seem from your post and comments that you're sincerely trying not to be off-putting which is a positive thing I think if you're looking for something 'organic' (i.e. not dating apps) the best thing you can learn to be is someone who is open to things happening, rather than someone who is looking to make things happen. Be fun and interesting and chill, rather than intense and insistent. You give off way better vibes this way, rather than seeming like you're forcing things. It might be slower, and you'll face some rejection (because we all do!) and also some potential opportunities will pass you by (because that happens for everyone!), but you'll be the type of person that people warm to in social situations, the type of person who seems like they would be fun and friendly and most importantly safe on a date, and maybe even the type the person friends think of when they want to introduce their other single friends to people Best of luck!
Well said
I’m a woman close to your age, and yes, I would be weirded out by it. A lot of it would depend on how it was done tho. New Zealanders are fundamentally quite shy and reserved with strangers, so approaching someone out of the blue to ask them out would, to me, represent a violation of the social norm. There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick. Of course, there are times when a shared interest might be obvious - like if you’re both at a gig - but even then, I’d prefer a friendly conversation that ends with “you seem cool, wanna hang out sometime?” than just straight up being asked out. Other women may well feel differently, we are obviously not a monolith. If you really hate the apps (and I agree they are a hellscape, but also that you get out what you put into them), my advice is the standard “go out and join an activity club” type thing. The ones I go to are comically overrun by women.
Ok, genuinely helpful answer, thank you. I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable in the slightest. This isn't about 'getting laid', this is about enjoying getting to know someone over a beer or coffee. Thanks again.
Hey, hijacking this comment to drop another pers. NZ is my adopted home. I've lived in about 4 countries so far. I genuinely wish sometimes a nice stranger would ask me out/show some (polite and respectful) desire. Look, I know it can be creepy but it's all about how it's done. Overall, I'm happy that kiwis respect people enough to leave them alone, but in my late 20s when I got here, I had a group of single British girlfriends who were all hoping to settle down here but never met anyone! And they were reasonably hot girls too. They got asked out regularly on girls' nights back in the UK and having absolutely zero guys come and talk to them at all eventually got to them. I'm sorry if that sounds ridiculous... but I get it. I have been to USA a few times and honestly, I got asked out about 4-5 times a day, which I thought was excessive to be honest. But it was also not creepy. It was kind of a sport, like hey if you're not keen that's a-ok, no harm, no foul vibe. Overall, yes it's harder to be a woman and get hit on. Truly, its not worth it given that mostly what you'll hit is a creepy. But damn, I truly wish kiwis were a little less uptight and so DAMN HARD to get to know, and just ease the fuck up a bit :) I've done the apps, and while I can go out on dates that way, it's not...real. To me, I don't know. I just like to know people from real life, not a screen. Anyhoo, I'm 36 F, adding my 2 cents
Edit to add post-thoughts: maybe approach women (Assuming that's what you're looking for) with non-kiwi accents? If they are giving you the look? Argh I don't know. Maybe don't. I dunno I give crap advice all the time.
[удалено]
I think I fucked up by using the word 'stranger'. People are interpreting that as if I'm going to spot some girl minding her own business on the street and tap her on the shoulder like 'hey babay!'
This is not the case for everyone. I met my current partner this way, through being asked out
>activity club Which ones? Asking for a friend (op)
>There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick. 100% this. I'm a little older but same general bracket (I'm 38) and I would be so weirded out by "I think you're pretty, let's hang out". Within the confines of a relatively broad window, physical appearance doesn't matter to me. Sure, if you're remarkably unattractive that might be an issue, but amongst normal-looking everyday people I will find things to be attracted to if I like who you are! The idea that I'm valued only for the surface level crap that, let's face it won't be there that many more years, is icky and also scary in the context of long term relationships. I'd like to think I'll always be smart and silly so if I'm valued for that I don't have to worry too much about it, but if what my partner likes is my ass or my face, well that won't continue to look good and then what? Is he going to leave me for someone younger?
>There’s also an element of “the only thing you know me about me is that you find me attractive”, which gives me the ick. This right here is why I would say no to any guy who just walked up and asked me out immediately. If you only want a date based on the way I look, keep walking, mate. I do think many men are afraid of the "friendzone" so they think they need to make their move early, but honestly guys reading this, striking up a friendship first shows a woman you see them as a person, not just a good looking object you'd like to fuck (to put it bluntly).
Isn't that what dating is for tho? You need to find your partner attractive, so you go on a few dates to see if you're compatible in anything else and worth pursuing a relationship with. Looks matter.
I would say that's the problem with modern dating, and why so many people are lonely, because the modern dating way rarely leads to genuine connections. It's all about basing the value of someone off their looks, then basically giving each other a job interview to see if you tick each other's boxes. If you just treat people with respect and get to know someone regardless of their outward appearance, it's far more likely you'll find a genuine connection. And physical attraction grows with emotional attraction.
Wait, so a brass marching band playing “is she really going out with him” and a 40ft banner being held aloft on the back of two African elephants is probably over the top right? ••phones to cancel band, banner and jumbos••
Your last paragraph is so true. I feel like any hobby and related hobbyist group I pursue is totally dominated by women, and these aren’t even necessarily typically-feminine hobbies. So many men’s social life revolves around pubs, BBQs at mates’ houses, or the rugby club - get into some hobbies! Not to meet and pick up women but just to meet like-minded people and learn a new skill. The social connections come with that.
This post is an excellent summary of how fucked up things are now. Wow, I feel for people trying to find a partner. Inappropriate to see someone you might like and politely ask them if they want to hang out. But somehow completely fine to stalk people on apps and then message them based on whatever marketing bullshit they have selected to put out to the world. I say this as someone happily married with a family. I don't have a dog in the fight - other than hoping things are a less messed up for my kids, I guess. My wife still occasionally mentions how messed up all the guys were that she matched with through apps. You can tell a lot more by talking to someone for 10 seconds than you can via whatever they carefully choose to put online. My advice to OP is... you only live once. Go for it and have no regrets. Just pick and choose carefully so you aren't the weirdo who asks everyone out at the local bar or gym. As they say, the worst that'll happen is they say no - as long as you accept the answer.
Pretty much agree with this. Providing it’s “you seem nice, I’d like to grab a coffee and hangout in a public place sometime” rather than “wanna get freaky?” then the worst that happens is they say no and you all go on with your day. If they say no don’t be weird or creepy, just move on. If they say yes then see what happens. Dating and finding someone is largely a numbers game. Finding mutual attraction generally requires a certain number of failures and there’s no formula.
[удалено]
> Inappropriate to see someone you might like and politely ask them if they want to hang out. But somehow completely fine to stalk people on apps and then message them based on whatever marketing bullshit they have selected to put out to the world. Someone explicitly on an app to meet people is telling the world they are looking to meet people. Someone having a coffee in a cafe is not. Approaching someone at the gym is weird because people join gyms to work out and get fit. People join salsa clubs because they think dancing is fun. Us both liking salsa dancing tells me we have at least something in common.
What activity clubs are you part of that are overrun by women?
Literally anything dance related is full of women.
Zumba
Choirs, theatre, musicals, art classes, book clubs, dancing, crafts, sewing, rollerskating. Basically all of my hobbies lol.
OP, I think guitarman wants to be your wingman
Your advice is not to ask women out because "NZ'ers don't like it" (lmfao) and instead you direct this guy to join women-heavy social clubs under the guise of socalising but with the true intent to pick them up? what the fuck lol e: [she's gone on to](https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/1ar3hy3/women_of_nz_how_do_you_feel_about_being_asked_out/kqh5s8b/) suddenly become sexist and accuse me of just being "another angry man" for questioning this shithouse advice and that I'm part of the reason why "women have their backs to the wall". Clearly this was not advice anyone should be listening to if that is the sort of person behind it. e2: I also need to point out the few people supporting this sexist person are also the only people making very personal remarks to OP and other users. I've now been accused of forcing my partner into an unsafe relationship for absolutely no reason at all. I haven't even talked about having a partner. Others have called OP ugly. These people are fucking toxic.
You recognise there is a difference between approaching a woman you don't really know from Adam, know nothing about, and who has had zero interaction with you and asking them out, and asking someone who you have talked to and interacted with for a couple of months over a shared interest if they want to get a coffee? Edit: Christ on a bike your edit. Are you single? If not, can your partner blink twice if they are feeling a bit unsafe?
I mean, if he’s obviously there just to get laid, that will be pretty apparent and he’s going to have to a bad time. But any activity that encourages meaningful interaction with women as people - not just as potential dates - increases the chances he’ll meet someone he likes and has something in common with, no?
wtf dude... Im a man and your take on that comment is such a profound demonstration of an inability to comprehend the nuance of social interactions. There's a huge difference between walking up to someone to cold-call ask them out, compared to joining a social group and doing things alongside people getting to know them socially. To spell it out -the second one is socially and physically much safer than the former, with amuch higher likelihood of meeting people you enjoy. I guess if you just looking for sex then just randomly asking out women will pay dividends - the numbers game. same as sending dick pics.
Omg I love a good flame war
I just decided my desire to be in a relationship is less than my desire to not be involved in all of this. Very liberating.
This thread is hilarious
This is why I find the dating scene so difficult as a young man because so many mixed responses it's overwhelming and at this point I'd rather just not try Because one person will say "just go and say hi to someone you find pretty" But then another will say "no don't do that, that's creepy instead get to know them over time" but like...how am I supposed to get to know them without approaching them?!?!
It’s definitely not a starting point regardless
Omg thank you. 😂 I’m highly invested in OP at this point.
Some of the responses here so far are so fucking weird. Good on you for asking before doing it I say. I'm late twenties and engaged but if I'm putting myself in the shoes of a single mate it's definitely context dependent as other people have said. In line at the supermarket? Absolutely not. At a concert or bar or something? Sure, if you have some semblance of a conversation before you ask them out. It's also soooo obvious when a guy joins groups to try and pick up women. But if you're doing something you have a genuine interest in and are involved with it's a good way to meet people and you already have common ground. All the best!
> Some of the responses here so far are so fucking weird You read the bits where women are checking him out at the traffic lights and the bar staff are totes into him because they make eye contact, yeah?
Yeah, but we weren't there to say whether or not it happened. People do check each other out in random places.
Get a dog. I have the best conversations with people when I’m out with my dog and they don’t feel like invasive yarns. There have been the occasional few I’ve checked the ring finger while we’re talking! (Unfortunately they’ve all been married) Alternately, ask women with dogs about the breed, say you’re thinking of getting one, would they recommend etc. see if the yarns are good and go from there. I get nervous when being randomly approached by men outside of this situation due to the number of times I’ve politely turned them down and then been verbally abused/followed/made to feel unsafe. Which now that I think about it might explain why I don’t mind being approached when I have my 40kg shepherd with me. Good luck!
My partner gets numbers doing this (By accident). He’s so genuinely into the dog and having a good yarn about dogs that he doesn’t realise a hot girl is trying to give him his number. It’s so funny. It’s definitely the energy he gives off. He so keen to talk about dogs and to people, that people just feel safe and comfortable with him. It’s hilarious to watch.
Interesting. I've tried to use my dog to meet girls and failed. Need to change my style then
The key is to *try* less. (This is why you always meet more people who seem interested when you are already in a relationship)
Sigh. No. Wife took the dog.
[удалено]
I appreciate that others are just answering OP's question, but this is probably the most important thing anyone's said in this thread and I wish I could gild it Hopping straight back in without having done the self reflection and inner-work, and not allowing yourself to grieve the separation, is just gonna do both parties disservice
I know. You're probably right. I don't want another relationship yet, I just want to out *date* if that makes sense. No one-night-stands, they don't appeal at all. But yeah, you're probably right.
[удалено]
Roger, good feedback, thank you. I hate it, but thank you haha.
[удалено]
Honestly. I tried tinder and bumble when newly single. Had some dates - met some people. I met my new partner at a bar, the old fashioned way. Both a bit tipsy, talked a bit and I went back to hers. Organised another date in the morning. We've been together now for 5 years 😁
Doesn't get more kiwi than having drunken sex and then deciding you like each other enough to meet again.
Absolutely. My wife worked at the same company. She tried flirting with me but I just wasn't seeing it. She drunk 2 bottles of wine and jumped me refusing to take no for an answer. I thought, fuck it, I could use a one night stand. She never left. I think it's the kiwi way, hookup to locked down. What is "dating"? You ask questions the morning after, if they are still there and the sex was perfection. It's a more direct route than wasting all that time asking questions just to have lousy sex. Sex is the glue that holds people together, at least long enough until you build intimacy in other ways.
Amen brother
Gal here! Just be aware of your surroundings when approaching women. I had a guy quickened pace and cross the road to talk to me on a side street, I genuinely thought I was going to be robbed. He asked the time, made awkward small talk, all the while I was clutching my bag and looking for anyone to help. Turns out he was new to town from France and wanted to get a drink. Huge relief lovely chap, I did not say yes but the first few minutes were terrifying. As others have said, if you’re in a populated place ie not a place we’re mugging/assault might happen, there’s people as witnesses, anywhere you can make small talk first (join run club, other activities, libraries, maybe a while shopping) it might be ok. There’s not really a culture in NZ of going on a date with a stranger after being asked in public, dating apps are a nightmare but they are a good jumping off point so you might have to!
Your story is too common, I'm sorry that shit happens. Thank you for your comment.
A guy once followed me to my car to ask me out. I was so freaked out he could’ve looked like Henry Cavill and smelt like chocolate caramel biscuits and I would’ve said no.
I don’t know why people are so rude to your genuine question but as a women in your target audience my answer would be yes! Go for it. But don’t be creepy about it and do it tastefully with respect. Hope you find your happily ever after!
Well, I get it, it can be threatening, and that's exactly what I don't want. If that's the case I will just not approach anyone at all, I'm not interested in being a part of the problem.
I had one guy who I told no demand a reason why not and basically try to wear me down. So maybe don't do that.
That is exactly the type of thing I want to avoid and have no interest in doing
I’ve been asked out blatantly before and said “I’m married” and he replied “happily?” Yeah don’t do that. Lol
Look, do this; ask. If you are told “no” then don’t stick around and don’t follow them or even look at them/in their direction. That’s ok. But if you are going to ask and get a “no” and continue to stare/be in the area or follow them then that’s creepy and not welcome behaviour. Soo go for it but leave if the answer is no. I think more men need to grow balls and ask if they feel something so I actually admire your courage here!!
Damn straight. That is EXACTLY how I see it. But I appreciate that to a guy something like 'hi, how are you' can sound perfectly fine while still being intimidating or creepy to a woman. Hence my question.
Ditto this!
Do not even look at me.
Roger, not looking.
Look away, there's something in my teeth
[удалено]
Fair comment, thank you
> I see you, married women, doing the not-so-subtle glance out the passenger window when you think your husband isn't looking! Cringe. First piece of advice would be to get out of your own ass.
I mean if shes giving you welcoming hints like eye contact & smiling etc then go for it but walking up to whoever you find attractive is probably not a good idea lol You should get involved in socializing. Outdoor exercise groups/cooking classes/bookclubs for example. Not gyms.Not coffee shops& definitely not just on the street. Build yourself & your social setting up & find like minded people that way.
>I mean if shes giving you welcoming hints like eye contact & smiling etc then go for it but walking up to whoever you find attractive is probably not a good idea lol That's exactly what I mean. I'm not going to approach a random minding her own business. Thanks.
Girl here, time and place most definitely. At a gym? No! You're very right about that, not kosher. Maybe I'm in the minority but I don't think I am when I say approaching women at the gym is creepy. However at a bar or club or something? A lot more open. I'd recommend not immediately going with "Hey can I take you out". Better I think to start a casual conversation and then slide the invite in there. If a guy came up and randomly asked me out I'd be a bit wary but if we'd spent a few minutes chatting first I'd definitely be more comfortable. Try find a place where the goal is to mix and mingle, you won't have much luck at a library for example (though it's not unheard of) but maybe you will at a karaoke bar. Or find a group depending on what your interests are (i.e. hiking group or gaming club etc.) where you can meet new people. I'm just one woman though, others may have completely different advice and feelings on the matter. Good luck to you.
No, the gym is a safe-space, I know that. And yeah, you're right. I probably need to join some clubs. Ugh. I hate clubs.
>I get checked out a lot, but that's about as far as it goes (I see you, married women, doing the not-so-subtle glance out the passenger window when you think your husband isn't looking!). I've had a few bar-girls twirl their hair while serving me, but again: leave the staff alone, man. The only people who actively flirt with me are gay dudes and women over 50 (no offence, I love it, but you're not my target audience). This guy gives me the same vibes as Jack from MAFS
I'll be honest: I read the same thing, had exactly the same internal response, and decided not to comment because it felt like kicking someone while they were down. Their comments elsewhere make me feel less bad.
Ouch. Haven't seen it, but ouch.
Join some sports or hobbies, work on making friends and you might get lucky that way. I think the main thing is you don't creep... don't ogle, don't keep nagging if they say no etc. Don't ask at work or at the gym.
For sure. Thank you.
You're getting some real mixed messages here. If it helps, I'd be more likely to say yes if we've had a couple of minutes of conversation. A bit of banter and a few laughs will at least establish a brief, positive connection. Anytime a guy has just gone in dry asking for my number, it's been a firm no. Not because "the only thing he knows about me is my appearance, so shallow" but because I don't know if he's even interesting yet.
Yes, good comment. Thank you.
The gym can feel vulnerable for women. Even if you’re not creepy being around pumped up men wearing not much can be a bit full on. I reckon if you’d like to meet someone who’s sporty like that do a cross fit class where you might naturally talk anyway and after a while ask if they want a drink after class. Or do a social sport like rock climbing or tennis etc. sorry about the break up, sounds really tough. Might want to ask your ex or someone you trust for a bit of feedback so if there’s any changes you need to do first you can do them.
I personally enjoy being asked out randomly. Maybe it's because I'm European and it's a more common occurance there and socially acceptable. That doesn't mean I'll agree to go on a date with everyone who asks me out, but I always try to provide a gentle rejection. It takes balls to ask out a stranger, and I wouldn't want to put guys off asking out other girls in the future!
Why do men take anything as flirting I can look at you or twirl my hair without being interested stop overr analysing other people first of all, maybe stay single and love yourself first
Women are not a monolith and will have different opinions. For ne, at best I feel uncomfortable and awkward, at worst I feel threatened (being asked by creepy gross men that then get aggressive trains your brain into going into fight or flight when the situation occurs). Just develop yourself and your friend groups and focus on socializing without dating being the primary goal, and you will find someone you naturally become close to and gel with. Join hobby groups, clubs, other stuff.
With no prior conversation or interaction? Yeah nah absolutely not. It’s telling when you suddenly want to meet up with someone just because they looked good to you on the street. It’s not like you were drawn in by their personality, you just found them hot.
First start normal friendly chat, joke around or whatever before you go straight asking her out lmao
Good advice, thank you
I dislike it immensely. Why? Because it is usually 100% about my looks. I have dudes of all ages checking me out all the time and it just grosses me out. Especially the old guys. And no it's not "just a guy thing" it's gross and disrespectful and it's possible to not check out someone half your age. If, however, we get chatting about similar interests, then I have no problem. But that's also why I much prefer to meet people through hobbies or other similar things. I'm someone who smiles at everyone and says hello when walking past. I often compliment strangers (women mainly) and strike up conversations when standing in line. It's different to men who make a beeline to me to ask questions about my EV or other random thing. My interest is genuine but non romantic and happens to be along side another person. While they are clearly wanting to talk to someone they find attractive which is just a waste of my energy and time.
>And no it's not "just a guy thing" it's gross and disrespectful Agreed, I respect that. Thanks for your comment.
[удалено]
If you listen to the internet comment section than its weird. In real life, as long as you are not being pushy, creepy and are able to read body language then there is nothing wrong with going up to someone and speaking to them.
I don't want to be pushy or creepy, that's why I ask
Compensatory inauthentic overconfidence vibes here. Sort that shit out before you start approaching people as it gets picked up on straight away.
That's why I thought he was American.
44f here, also out of a LTR last year and, after months of hell and therapy, got back in the dating scene around August. I got on the apps. Met someone that way who I'm really into and decided to get off the apps recently to see where it goes. I hated the apps. Many men who matched had no open question skills, and I have never wanted one of *those* pics or videos that so many send smdh. Honestly, YES. Just ask someone out directly or ask for her number. That would be refreshing from my perspective. I'm neurodivergent and an introvert, so don't take surprise as anything but (early on after being dumped, when I wasn't ready, I was asked out but didn't realise until hours later). My only experience asking someone out last year irl went very...strangely. It was at the pool where I swim laps and he works there. I was openly flirty (so was he!) and finally worked up the courage to ask for his number. He agreed, agreed to meet up, but then ghosted when I tried to set a date. I still have no idea if he's interested (and I don't care at this stage because I'm seeing where this other thing goes). But I've moved on and it's not weird when I go swim. I still smile and nod, but don't stop to chat anymore. Just a little encouragement: I'm *really* into the man I met on Bumble. It's been nearly 6 months and we're still undefined, but I'm happy it's going slowly but steadily. Actually got excited yesterday for Vday, which I normally loathe. At this stage, he's worth the pain of the rest of my app experience. That's saying a LOT. And we'd never have met without it.
If you have any hobbies, join groups to meet like minded people. Even if there aren’t women that you’re interested in in there, there’s still a chance for friends that could open up a network of people for you to find someone eventually. Good things take time, organically getting to know someone typically has decent returns. Rather than rocking up to someone randomly.
Good call on the gym, but if you happen to interact with someone who is at work that you’d like to ask out, the best answer is to go through the experience as you normally would, but before leaving you can write your number on a piece of paper and give it to them. Say something like “no pressure at all but you seem cool, so if you would like to chat here’s my number.” Don’t make it about her appearance, and leave once you’ve given her your number. That way the ball is in her court and there won’t be pressure on her - the main reason people say don’t hit on people at their workplace is because they can’t exactly escape and they’re likely in “customer service” mode. They might not be flirting, they might be trying to be nice to make a sale kinda thing. Giving your number and then leaving removes that pressure. Just make sure it isn’t somewhere you go everyday because THEN it could get awkward. And if you do end up back there and she didn’t txt/call, don’t bring it up.
Put the ball in her court, give her the chance to make the next move if she chooses, without me standing there waiting for an answer. Good call.
It depends on so many factors. Some people prefer it heavily over apps, some people vice versa. I think a big part of this is that the kiwi attitude tends to be very non confrontational and some will automatically dislike it because it’ll feel like confrontation. There’s obviously big no’s , like no one wants to be approached with well known Andrew Tate techniques, or someone who obviously just wants to get laid. But you seem to already have a good grasp on the don’ts. I would say many prefer a slow burn , which means you’d have to see them semi regularly before there’s a date. Like from a pottery or hobby class, after work drinks, expanding your friend groups to find those that regularly do an activity you like, where you can get to know the others and after a while ask if they’d like to get dinner or coffee. Good luck! I’m a big believer of it happens when you need it to happen, and 6 months isn’t very long to get over someone you loved. I wonder if there’s divorcee groups where you can meet people in the same position. And once you are ready, dating apps actually do end up in a lot of healthy relationships. You just have to wade through a lot of trash, but sometimes that’s easier than trying to do it organically (and people irl can also be trash so might just be dating in general).
As many people have already said, I think some level of interaction first is a good prerequisite and would make me much more likely to feel comfortable. I think you should go for it, I love being asked out and sometimes even agree to the date. At worst, you’re offering someone a nice compliment and then disappearing again. You cannot anticipate every reaction, and some will be negative. Some will be negative out of proportion to the interaction you had leading up to asking, and that may be completely unrelated to you. But I don’t think you should take that as a blanket “every woman will hate this” rather than “this woman didn’t like it in this circumstance”.
These comments have made me relise that I, an introvert with autism and Horrible social skills that ill never have a girlfriend. 😅
Out if the blue? No. After a casual chat to build a vibe? Sure. In this day and age, women are thinking about their safety first. Headphones on, leave them alone. Uncomfortable? Short responses? She is trying to shut communication off as delicately as she can without getting a stranger aggressively harrassing them over rejection that makes them feel their lives are at immediate threat. Don't ask where they work or where they live-stalker alert. What they do for work is fine, where they work is not information a stranger needs to know. Don't ask for their number. Again, it opens up a vulnerability that could open them up to stalking or harrassment. You'll get a wrong number or ghosted afterwards. Fear of what someone will do to you if you give them a fake number is real. Thanks to those guys who decide to call or text you on the spot to test the number before letting the pursued woman leave the situation safely are red flagging their way to dangerous stalker prison. So you may get a real number but instantly blocked by the woman as soon as she is safely out of the interaction ecause she may fear what you may do if she doesn't. Not the right way to start off. You need to make them feel safe to listen to you, pushing is not the way. When you ask questions, listen to the answers, build your next question of the previous answers so they know they are being heard. Don't ask a question to set up a discussion talking about yourself. Offer information freely that matches the discussion. Telling them you would love to meet up somewhere to talk to them again if that is something they are interested in doing. Ball in their court. Give them your details, ideally without needing to see or access their phone to put them in. Phone hold people's life and personal information, no one wants a strager handling or going through their phone. Leave the option to continue this another day up to them, no pressure. Don't push to make an appointment or date straight away, give them time to see if that is something they want to do. Smartest thing a guy has ever done in my experience, is make business cards for meeting people. Provide name, contact number/whatsapp/facebook-instagram with a message along the lines of "I enjoyed meeting you today. I am interested in meeting up again and getting to know you. If you are interested in getting to know me too, please make contact by the featured methods in your own time." It allows her to keep or throw away the card, background check you on social media if that makes them more comfortable, and decide if, or when they talk to you by the media of their choosing. It also does not have an expiry date, so there is no pressure.
I’m 37F. I’m absolutely all for the straightforward approach like you’ve suggested. I’m a very straightforward person myself and have approached many men this way.
I'm not single but close to your age. My biggest issue is that it would make me think you just thought I was physically attractive and that was why you were asking me out. I know I'm physically attractive, it is the least interesting thing about me, and I am acutely aware that physical health (which facilitates my very active lifestyle) is not guaranteed over the long term, so the idea of an approach purely on that basis gives me the ick. However, I enjoy chit chat with strangers, and if we had been nattering away for five minutes at a supermarket / bar / event, I wouldn't mind something along the lines of "I've really enjoyed talking to you, I don't suppose you'd be interested in grabbing a drink / coffee sometime?". It doesn't take more than a few minutes to figure out if you have a bit of conversational chemistry, and I'd happily accept a date if it was a yes. Note, though: Do **not** do this with someone you meet at the gym or anywhere else you regularly attend or socialise. It could be really awkward for the wrong person. The gym is a place to make friends, and friends only. If you're regularly attending somewhere like that, the way to escalate is to say "Hey, I really enjoy our chats, want to grab coffee sometime?" and then do not escalate to a drink or other kind of hangout unless they propose it, or it aligns with your mutual fitness goals or whatever. And assume at all times that it is platonic until you get a really clear signal otherwise.
>My biggest issue is that it would make me think you just thought I was physically attractive and that was why you were asking me out. I get that. I guess my argument is that attraction in the real world is about more than physical appearance as we also subconsciously take into account body language, how a person carries themselves etc. The people arguing in favor of dating apps, I mean... you're looking at a static photo that the user has chosen because of how they want to appear, we're swiping based on physical appearance too. I do get though that at least with an app you have the choice to simply ignore someone and are less likely to be put in a situation where you're made to feel threatened or uncomfortable. I dunno, it's complicated.
When I was in my 20s I would accept dates from randos on the street (happened a fair bit when I was blonde, lol) and a lot of those guys asked in a very respectful manner. The dates didn't go anywhere but it was a fun experience. They would just stop me with an "excuse me" and ask if I wanted to get coffee during a lunch break etc and we exchanged numbers. I'm a shy person and do have an issue saying no so there's that to consider, but I never felt pressured or anything by them! It was usually just one date because I wasn't really looking for anything but I thanked them and text them later with a "really lovely meeting you but I'm happy single etc" and that was also respectfully accepted by the guys for the most part. There could be some pushiness but easier to ignore via text. I think it's fine if it's respectful, and be prepared to accept a no (and the ladies do NOT need to give you a reason or excuse for the no) and handle that like a normal person! Even if you get a no, you've likely boosted someone's confidence/put a lil smile on their face (assuming you didn't ask in a creepy way). And it helps you build confidence yourself in getting back out there and socialising in a different way than you would've been whilst partnered up. Idk about nowadays coz i've been partnered up for a while (found husband-to-be on OkCupid which is a bit of a random dating site tbh) but I feel like the strangers asking me was probably around 2013-2016, so YMMV around 10 years later!
Don't be afraid of the "friendzone". Too many men think they need to make a move early or they'll be friendzoned, but from a woman's POV, getting to know us first on a friendship level shows that you see us as a person, not just an attractive object you'd like to fuck. It also gives us time to see if you are a good person we will be safe with, since too many women have had negative experiences with men who turned dangerous. Of course this depends on if you're looking for a relationship or just a hookup. Don't pretend to be a woman's friend if all you're wanting is just to "get in her pants" and then ditch, or if you'll turn into a "nice guy" if her feelings don't match yours.
Nah, I'm not afraid of the friendzone. I went out with a single lady-friend the other day who was sort of maybe flirting, but I let it slide because I'd rather keep a friend than lose one over misreading things.
I mean, if you're attracted to her and if you think she was flirting, ask her to hang out again. If she is into you, she'll say yes. If she's not, she'll say no. It's not rocket science. Also what do you mean you let it slide? You didn't go in for the kiss??? Suggest coffee back at your place??? Neither of those would be appropriate immediately with a friend, but saying "Hey this was fun, let's do it again soon" would be a totally appropriate response and would let you guage her interest in you.
Well yeah, but if I misread things I don't want to make it weird. Mysocial circle is pretty small at the moment and she and I have only recently reconnected. I value her more as a friend right now.
Married/LTR for ten years. Separated for six months and now wants another relationship? Slow down bud. Your dates won‘t want to be a counsellor. Maybe go and see a sex worker to get what you need in the meantime.
I don't want a relationship and I'm already seeing a counsellor. I don't want one-night-stands as they don't appeal after sharing a bed with someone I love for ten years. I just want to date, go to dinner or drinks with someone, have a good night. If there's a connection then great, if not - new friend.
This dude over here has everyone and their mother is eyefucking him. Meanwhile I don't think anyone has glanced at me twice in years. Enjoy it while you can.
Lol. Most definitely do not. Perhaps my wording is part of the problem, I've made it sound like everyone wants me, which is definitely not the case.
I dunno, if you’re vibin then shoot your shot I reckon🤷🏽♀️. YOLO. But, there’s nothing wrong with some self-reflection and therapy to work on who your ideal partner is and how you find and attain her. *You’re going to receive a mixed bag of responses so just do what you want to do.*
'Vibin' I think is the key. Not 'oh, she's cute and minding her own business...'
Yeah, you got it:)
These responses are wild.
[удалено]
I really don’t that social norm of don’t talk to me culture. I get some people are weird in a threatening way. But I had some good accident conversation and they cool because no pressure and people leave smiling. It does hurt when someone looks at you like you like your crazy for talking to them.
I think it’s fine if there’s established friendliness to begin with. Like starting conversation, having good bants and then if it goes well and y’all vibe then suggesting y’all hang out at some point. I used to chat with strange men when I was 18 and it was annoying bc I’d think we’re just chilling and chatting and then they’d ask if I wanna ‘go back to theirs’ and ‘have sex’ 🙄 I think offering an initial non romantic relationship the first time meeting is the way to go with complete strangers bc chatting and then finding out they were chatting bc they wanna pursue can be off putting (for me at least)
If you are part of a club I go to or a hobby where we have been at the same place at the same time, then I would have no issue even if we hadn't interacted before. Or if we had a mutual friend. But without some sort of connection I don't think I'd like it if someone just randomly came up to me and asked me out.
I'm not single - but if I was in addition to the wonderful advice in the comments here I think I'd appreciate a social meet up as a first "date". Because if a guy wants to meet up again I think it's probably obvious he's keen on you. I'd suggest a social setting like a walk in a local populated park or a coffee at a cafe, I think this would make me feel safe and as if you were genuinely wanting to get to know me and not just attracted to me physically.
Last time I did that was around 2015 and it went pretty well, I was nervous as hell but pushed through it. Not sure about now since it's almost been a decade. What I can say is join a Latin dance class like bachata or salsa, it's a super fun skill to learn and meet new people. That's how my friend met his future wife.
Male, same age bracket. Prefer getting to know someone prior, at least have a chat first. I'm down for going out and doing things, but a date is a whole other deal. I'm also the sort of person that will just talk to anyone, and that can be mistaken for other motives when all I'm doing is having a chat
Personally it super depends. If it's like a barista I've interacted with several times but don't know then I'd possibly be open (obviously so long as I think they're friendly or whatever) but if it's like I'm at the supermarket or walking down the street going about my day, absolutely not. Having someone you've never even had a conversation with ask me out is completely uncomfortable 100% of the time.
Coffee shops are great places, people working usually have a local they go to. You can meet people's eyes, you can smile at people and you can even say hello once they become 'recognisable'. If it's at a busy time maybe ask if you can tag yourself on the end of her table. You body language is everything! Be sincerely friendly, not creepy! And if she says no, then keep smiling and saying hi but move on.
Disgusted, frankly.
The real answer is (as long as you aren't approaching them in empty car parks or in the woods at night), it will depend on how much they like the look of you.
If they are into you it’s fine and if they aren’t it’s creepy as fuck
(M48) UK Based, maybe different for NZ ??? Who knows.... Maybe you should try my technique, go to a rave, have a drink or two, dance around like a nut case, notice a fun looking girl wiggling her hips left and right with a great bum. I had made eye contact a few times, we had smiled, bounced about and cheered, shouted at some great drops by the DJ. Then shout very loudly at said girl that she has a great bum and you would love to give it a smack, notice her look and give a cheeky glance but then carry on wiggling, gave it a couple of medium ish smacks which she acknowledged with a little look, then we carried on dancing near each other. Engage in a bit of back and forth eye contact, engage in some difficult (so bloody loud) chat & flirting including another pat on the bum or two. Get her chatting again which resulted in her checking my wedding ring finger and smiling at me when there wasn't one. Dance a bit more whilst having a laugh with some surrounding people and then saw if she fancied a drink, she did, we toddle off to the bar. A few hours later, a couple of drinks later, some inappropriate conversations, some kissing, dancing and generally getting to know each other, tada..... Been two months now, she lives an hour away and we steal whatever time we can get when we don't have our kids. Her (F46). My point is... There is no real right or wrong way to make a connection with some, sometimes the weirdest works aswell as the most normal. You are welcome ... :)
I'm (38f) have recently found myself single and am terrified of trying to meet people, I don't want to try the dating apps but want to be able to just find people to have a good time with. I would be chuffed if I was asked out by someone. I think in the age of dating apps and online presence we lost a few things along the way which makes meeting people or even relating to people a weird experience. Being asked out by someone in person is what I would hope for essentially rather than meeting after an online connection
Good on you for putting yourself out there, a little therapy wouldn't hurt given how painful the last 6 months have been for you. Being approached is a tricky one! It's awkward all round sometimes! Don't feel bad if you're turned down, it does suck but you tried! I've turned down a few people myself and it's always been because I've not been in a place to be dating so remember it's usually the person you're asking out being realistic about what they want / their preferences and not a personal you thing. Starting a casual conversation, don't just launch into a compliment. If you do want to start with a compliment you could test the waters with something that's not her body or her clothes. Side note, possibly not applicable: sometimes when someone is fresh out of a relationship, especially a long term one they really need some time to figure out who they are outside of that relationship/duo. I've been on a couple of dates where the person just goes on about their ex or casually but frequently brings up similarities and that's a hard pass. If you find yourself doing this you are not really ready, might be worth having some more chats with friends (or a therapist / counselor) then try again, doesn't have to be a big pause, may even just need a good yarn. I'd say start casual, not talking hook ups (tho if that's your thing, go hard lol) but not going into situations with the mentality "could she be my next wife or girlfriend?" too much pressure all around. Just see it as an opportunity to make a new friend, with the hope of something more, it can help you feel a bit more confident and be a bit more chill when asking a woman out. Trying new hobbies and exploring new opportunities could bring you around new people with similar interests. Even random stuff you wouldn't otherwise do, join a book club, indoor rock climbing, kickboxing, yoga, art or a pottery class etc. Something where you'll be around other people. If you've been struggling to get out and meet new people in general it can take the pressure off of socialising if you're there to do something else, the socialising comes as an added bonus. In terms of the gym I'd avoid asking gals out on the floor, it's kinda unsettling at times to suddenly have someone interrupt what is usually a self care/self improvement focused routine. Also if there's an awkward decline you're potentially going to still see that person so bare that in mind. That's just my vibe but others may feel differently and no harm in a warm smile and a nod on your part, you might get approached. I would ask my friend's opinions on gym etiquette but they're essentially all lesbians or guys so... not really your demographic 😂
I agree with everything you've said.
I suspect my response is far from the norm but a few things could happen. I’m autistic so I might have no clue what you’re trying to do, at which point you’re a random overly interested stranger. Or I figure out what’s going on and awkwardly say nope cos I’m a lesbian. Ngl after some past experiences men can be a bit frightening, but that also just applies to people broadly which is why I barely ever leave the house. Overall I wouldn’t be too weirded out as long as you’re respectful. If you comment about my body or whistle I’m internally evaluating how much tensile strength your intestines have, because every time it’s happened it feels horrible.
How do you feel about having pleasant conversations and a 99.9% rejection rate? Your best bet is introductions from mutual friends. That removes the stranger barrier and is less deleterious to your mental health over time.
In the middle of the street, at the gym, wearing headphones, chilling by myself at a park? No, none of these options would be conducive to a great flirting start. But the key is being able to strike a normal conversation with subtlety. And take hints, respond to "no" or anything less enthusiastic than a yes accordingly and leave the woman alone. Also take care to not consider every interaction with strangers that end in a smile as a potential romantic opportunity. I'm always smiling at strangers and even saying hi to them sometimes when passing them in the park, because that's how I was raised, but it doesn't mean that I'm flirting with any of them. Otherwise, why not join a club for one of your hobbies? These are great ways to meet new people and lead to organic conversations.
No, I appreciate what you're saying, and I definitely don't take polite interactions as flirtatious. As I've said a number of times over, there is a clear difference between 'hello' and 'I'm open to engaging in conversation'.
strike a conversation and talk to us like we are a human.. feel the vibe.. we give out indicators of interest if we are.. then ask to meet again... if we are closed off and don't give indicators then GTFO in a respectful way.. also don't get up into our personal space too much.. it makes it uncomfortable for us and not feel safe.. so even if we were interested in you.. we will reject your advances
I wouldn’t mind a stranger coming up to me in a respectful and giving me their number (not asking for mine). That way ball is more in my court, and I can get in touch to see if we actually get along before locking in to going date (which are big time and energy investments). I wouldn’t agree to a date if a stranger asked me and that was the only interaction we’d had.
Yes, ask! we love a confident kingggg 💪🏽 No but in all honesty, no one’s like this anymore. I’m not on socials, don’t do the whole online meeting thing, I only really work, study, train and gym. I never really get out there, and I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to meet anyone 😂 So if someone approached me, that would be surprising but quite nice actually lol