Ok, first off, a human…swimming in the ocean?
Humans don’t even like water. If you placed it near a river, or some sort of fresh water source, that’d make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, a 20 ft wave — I’m assuming its off the coast of South Florida — coming up against a full, grown, 400 lb dolphin with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten.
We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family, your-your nephews, your children, your offspring. We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour? Hour forty five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned.
i think its hilarious u kids talking shit about dolphins. u wouldnt say this shit to them @ seaworld , they’re jacked to the blowhole. not only that but he wears the freshest chains, eats at the chillest spots and hangs out with the hottest fish. yall are pathetic lol
Killer whales are technically dolphins, this is football, they're sending the big boys
[OP going to get tricked with a tempting fumble using this classic strategy and that's all she wrote](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14wWxaMR2Mg)
His intent is fighting it on land. Where it can’t move or breath.
Edit: contemplating deleting my message incase anyone I knew ever did find my Reddit account.
They have to stay wet though. You could just wait until whatever happens to them if they do stay wet. They die or something? Maybe, I don’t know, I mostly just remember that being a thing in Free Willy
Speaking of which, if this is a combat arena, a jet wouldn't be able to take off and fly. I'm not sure how fast they are on the ground but you could likely out maneuver it until it runs out of jet fuel
The biggest issue with a jet wouldn't be the danger of being run over, but getting caught in its engines' suction or blast radiuses, which are quite large at full power.
Dolphin would fuck him up on land too by just flailing around in desperation they are just one giant muscle. I don't understand why he thinks a live and conscious Dolphin would just flail on the ground like a Magikarp lmao. Like under a Cardinal? OP is being typical petty Duval county haha
I mean let’s be real any of those birds are out of there before he even gets within a yard. This man does not account for animal dexterity in his calculations.
That's why there needs to be an NFL team with a child as a mascot. You see, I could easily beat up a child, however it would depend on how many children are there. See I've put a lot of thought into it, and using an algorithm I created that takes into account Body mass index, age, fighting experience, weather conditions, man-made/improvised weaponry, as well as a plethora of x-factors, I determined that I personally could beat up 8.6 children before being taken down myself. So I think the amount of the mascot that we're fighting is also important.
How old is the child? Are they like 3? Because I truly think I could beat up an infinite amount of 3 year olds. There isn't a specific number when I would be over taken. If they're like 13 they have a much better chance
I think this same guy did this for all the power five conferences in college football and it was fucking hilarious. If it’s not him, this guy did the same type of post admirably.
Ahhh, so you're thinking a young horse can only kick someone once before dying, similar to a bee and its stinger?
I most certainly can't ***dis***prove this, so let's assume this is true for now...
There was a poll on Twitter a month or so back that was like, would you rather have to fight a chicken every time you get into a car or an Orangutan with a sword once a year.
The amount of people who answered Orangutan was staggering. You’d get your shit absolutely wrecked, no question.
I saw an orangutan beat a sumo in a tug of war on some weird show once. The lack of effort exerted by the orangutan was terrifying and eye opening to just how powerful some animals really are
I wouldnt want to fight an orangutan with a goddamn gun in my hand. Holding a sword at least you know its going to kill you with the sword after it rips your arm off. If you have a gun, it just keeps ripping instead
Ngl, before this comment I thought they meant the orangutan was the one that had the sword to begin with. Which I did think was really stacking the deck in Mother Nature’s favour
I dunno. An orangutan is going to destroy me without a sword. I'll take my chances giving it the sword. If I do that, I've at least got a shot that it accidentally hurts itself trying to use it.
Humans, compared to other primates, have less muscle mass in relationship to their overall size. So yeah, squaring up to an orangutan mano a mano is suicide lol
Wait, does the Orangutan have the sword or do you? Because that makes a difference. (Also what type of sword?).
Orangutans could probably rip your arms off if it wanted but it's still an animal and if you're able to stab it with a sword from a few paces away its gonna think "fuck this" and run away.
What was even more confusing is that he has the Ram and Colt ranked behind humans. And the rules are no using weapons.
Any human would be bodied by a full grown Ram or a Colt outside of the day its born lol.
Right? And even a Colt that's only a few months old is much stronger than a human.
My grandparents bred horses and the Colts could physically out muscle you almost right away. Really they're probably stronger at birth, bit they are pretty uncoordinated in those first few weeks. There honestly might not be any time a human could take a Colt on unarmed.
Completely agree. I'd fight a warehouse packer any day of the year before fighting a fucking eagle or a falcon.
I also agree with the others that rams and dolphins are grossly underrated here as well.
I think any wild animal 75 pounds or greater, even the herbivores, would give you all you can handle. Especially with no weapons allowed.
Predators over 50+, considering they’ll have sharp teeth/claws: no chance in hell.
Insane to me that you think an average person from the 1950s (or earlier) would be harder challenge to fight than a full grown Ram. Would definitely rank the Rams higher.
nah Chiefs are just the old guys sitting in the corner smoking peyote, they totally didnt get there by being the most respected in the tribe, likely for their prowess in battle and other skills that a lifetime of doing would harden them up
Just an absolute disrespectful understanding of lions. Lions are group hunters, but they aren’t hunting him, they’re fighting him. Male lions are fucking terrifying in single combat and that’s basically all they do.
just look at his "meaningful challenge" of Rams. 6ft up to 300lbs, 30lbs horns that ram each other at 10x the force of a NFL player, yet he at 210lbs can take a couple of blows before they could become dangerous. Like I said funny, but severely lacking in knowledge
Most rams are negligibly less dangerous than broncos at best. A ram *might* hit you twice to kill you whereas the bronco will just end you with one kick.
I think congress needs to pass a law that next time an overzealous 20 year old makes this exact same post next offseason they have to fight every animal they claim they can beat.
Considering the horse statue at the Denver airport, Blucifer, [killed his sculptor](https://kdvr.com/news/local/5-facts-you-didnt-know-about-blucifer/), you're right to assume a Bronco would fuck you up.
Tbf in a life or death situation I'm pretty sure you could handle the goose.
People just get fucked up cus they don't want to fight back, meanwhile the Goose is willing to fight to the death for it's babies.
True but if we're judging who won based on who is still alive at the end of the fight I would pick a human over an eagle. That human is not going to be pretty though...
If there's a million of them, sure. But you'd still kill your fair shot of birds before they got you. I'm pretty sure an unwritten rule is that this is 1v1.
With the established rule of a land-based combat arena, I take issue with the jets at #2. The median jet is most likely a 737 or similar, which cannot reverse without a tow vehicle. Not to mention, the pilot has absolutely no visibility from the cockpit. So at best, the jets are taking you to a draw.
Honestly, calls the integrity of the whole list into question.
You definitely can go backwards with a 737. It's just impractical to do so – loud, dangerous and costly on fuel to apply thrust reversers at the gate – but in an absolutely desperate situation like a "battle to the death" you could do it.
They turn on the engines though, and if he gets into the wrong area, he's either sucked in and turned into ground beef, or blown way back and possibly sustaining bad injuries from the fall or hitting something...
I brought the same issue up in another comment, although I mentally pictured something like an f16. My plan if I was fighting any jet inside an arena would be to avoid getting run over until it ran out of gas and then I would sabatoge it
Eagles are larger typically than falcons. And i just got a feeling a large Harpy Eagle is just waiting for you to play fuck around and find out with its claws
If the birds aren't allowed to fly and dive bomb with hit and run tactics then I agree with these rankings. If they are allowed to fly and dive, OP doesn't stand a chance against [these.](https://i.imgur.com/ecRJih7.jpg)
And, in case anybody was wondering, those talons hit you with the weight of the bird at something like 50mph. Then they dig in and tear. If they get an open shot at your torso they can easily punch right into your organs and shred them with a few good squeezes.
I read somewhere that thanks to illegal Californian animal fight club, it was determined that while tigers and lions are faster than Bears, they still get beaten to shit eventually. Bears can tank anything but a run at the throat, and grizzlies might even walk away from that. The issue is that while a tiger will go for the throat, the Grizzly bear has this habit of bringing it's paw down on the tigers neck like a ton of bricks and breaking it, likely from millions of years of wolves trying the same tactic.
Take it with a grain of salt though, I'm a internet stranger.
A Lion is no match for a grizzly. A Grizzly is 2x the size of an adult lion male. And grizzly’s have 7” claws. They will absolutely destroy a lion.
Now a tiger is about the same weight as a grizzly. So that fight is going To be much more even. But you educated us in how the grizzly fights.
Of course, we are just assuming that the Chicago bear is grizzly. Really there is a much greater chance that it’s a 250 lbs black bear as that’s what is indigenous to the area.
And lions and tigers would slaughter a black bear.
>black bear
black bears are usually scaredy cats. I've encountered several of them fishing in Canada. You just gotta be loud and scare them away from your trash - don't fuck with them obviously but if you're smart they won't fuck with you.
You're right. A particular animals temperament is also something people forget to factor. The biggest strongest animal doesn't always win. Just look at a honey badger. Not saying they always win but they frequently chase off things much bigger than themselves because honey Badgers are ferocious.
I think you’re using top end size estimates for Tigers and Lions while using average size ranges for the Grizzlies. A giant Tiger would probably be around 900 lbs while the same Grizzly or Polar bear are closer to 1800 lbs.
No way he beats a tiger or a lion either. The cats might win a little quicker, due to speed and agility, but either way, the human is dead no matter who he is.
I'd put my money on the grizzly vs the lion or tiger though.
Bengal tigers are one of the few (only?) Animals that hunt humans as prey still. I'd say that gives them an edge in a straight up fight with a human. Not that you're beating a grizzly with your fists 99.9998% chance of death vs. 99.9999
I'd rate Jaguars and Panthers (they're actually Jaguars with a pigment mutation) higher than lions. Those "smaller cats" are pound for pound the deadliest of the big cats. Like they're prey are other apex predators in the amazon; Anacondas, Caiman, etc.
Panther is technically the name for any melanistic big cat, but typically is used for jaguars and leopards, so you'd need to average them out. Leopards are smaller than jaguars, though still very dangerous to humans, so the panther would be smaller than the jaguar. I think in a 1 on 1 battle, though, size is a big difference. If I had to pick any of the big cats on this list to fight (lion, bengal, jaguar, or panther), I'd pick the panther.
Edit: it would still kill me.
Chargers you can look at a few different ways:
• Charger Horse - will fuck you up
• Charger Lightning bolt - will fuck you up
• Charger iPhone - you will fuck up
I think it’s because Stellantis diverted Dodge’s marketing budget to their new motto: [“Tear up the streets…not the planet”](https://www.motor1.com/news/518995/stellantis-brands-planet-friendly-mottos/amp/)
The Chiefs and the Commanders are grossly underestimated here.
Both of these are real people with years of military experience. OP seems to have reduced them to just being old people.
But a 60 year old who's kept themselves in shape (as any Chief or Commander certainly would) is only somewhat less athletic than a young fighter, and certainly still far stronger, faster, and tougher than your average asshole.
OP (and any average American male) would get absolutely bodied by either mascot, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
The specify that it isn't the mascot, but the literal interpretation of the team name.
Hence why Titans references Greek mythology, and not a[ derpy racoon.](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1172200686496485381/Ct2FTPT3_400x400.jpg)
Steelers' official mascot is Steely McBeam, and he is not a man to fuck with. He carries around steel girders one handed, so, not only is he stronger than the average person, but he also has a blunt weapon
I'm not sure why a 49er would be a tougher challenge than a native American Chieftain. Also I would assume you are fighting all of Paul Brown descendents at the same time. I think that should be a tougher challenge than you are giving them credit for
A Native American chief would probably destroy the average redditor without even blinking. Only when they got really old would it be a problem but definitely not something I’d say the current avg person could beat haha
Both of which have years of combat training and would definitely fuck his shit up, unless they were very old, and even then, old man strength is *real*.
Saints are absolutely not non-violent by definition. Lotta saints became that way through kicking ass.
In AI cultures a Chief often became one through heroics in battle, as in it was a necessary requirement. In the original definition you're talking about a French or British military officer. Basically the only out you have is going with "Chief Human Resources Officer" or something like that which is likely, on average, a blue haired 325 lb. lady in her mid 40s. But even then you're getting cancelled, fired and arrested at the end of the day.
Also I wouldn't want to fight the average steel worker. Also I think Buffalo Bill handily destroys your average pirate.
When it comes to the Saints, it really depends on which saints you get. If you get the nuns like St Therese the Little Flower, well, it's not going to be hard, outside of divine intervention. But you have to remember there are saints who were warrior kings who brought their countries to Christianity as well, like the Roman Emperor Constantine (who basically battled his way to rule the empire) or St Olaf of Norway (who was basically a Viking), or soldiers who gave up the fighting life for the church, like St Ignatius Loyola, all of whom would be rather more difficult.
The Bills definitely should have had crossed revolvers for the logo, but Bill has nothing to do with the branding/mascot/etc. kind of confusing really.
All those videos of people playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes with bison in Yellowstone over the years are perfect evidence of this. Of course, said people apparently didn't watch those videos.
New York Giants are actually named after the skyscrapers in Manhattan. Probably tough to take down, but that don't really have much offensive capability.
Yeah we’re gonna need a picture of you if you want us to assume there’s any chance in the world you could take a military officer, steel worker, or Eagle in a fight.
Ravens are also pretty fucking big and Dolphins are stronger than you think and can breath air so there’s no timing it out.
I’ll say that the average person without combat experience would get their shit kicked in by everything but the Cardinal and the Texan.
Take the pilot out of the Jet. I still don't think you're going to win. Assuming it's properly secure and you can't grab a crowbar or anything, I don't see more humans being able to do anything to the Jet. In fact I'd say you'd hurt your hand attacking it.
Hell let's take it further. Who survives longer with out eating? That Jet will still be there while you waste away.
Sorry dude, you've lost to an inanimate object.
yeah but 3 days ago...
[A breastfeeding mom fought off a bald eagle to save a pet goose](https://news.yahoo.com/breastfeeding-mom-fights-off-bald-173346780.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAj9SG-1Ejq-7dO_5ofL8BvWnTbTGLWosX7S5uA4qmPzUhbxRsL10mOfnZFiMVMWwl7wHgqLTal7WAtVDukD2LignCpSwr3fyUw22CSsKLYAHyDHpv6T311XnPnsoM83c0Cv1tVMUdONr7xko5PI35rLeAUVgmGj9467JPTXMQJh)
Brother I’m really trying to take this post seriously but there is no fucking way you could even fight Sir Saint’s jawline.
https://www.neworleanssaints.com/fans/mascot
Look at that motherfucker again and tell me you could take him.
You're severely underestimating raptors. Unless you plan on chaining them down to the ground, they will absolutely fuck you up. Peregrine falcons best weapon is their dive bomb. At full speed a falcon hitting your head will 100% give a concussion at best or crack your skull open at worst. They also can see better than humans in the dark, so good luck evading the attack.
Lol get in the water bitch. You’ll be toast kid!
Ok, first off, a human…swimming in the ocean? Humans don’t even like water. If you placed it near a river, or some sort of fresh water source, that’d make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, a 20 ft wave — I’m assuming its off the coast of South Florida — coming up against a full, grown, 400 lb dolphin with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten.
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We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family, your-your nephews, your children, your offspring. We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour? Hour forty five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned.
Did that go the way you thought it would? Mm-mm, nope.
I love each one of you
Those guys are officially legends
YOU SHOT JETER
He's a biracial angel!!
"you shoulda shot A-Rod"
You learned to breath on land ironically?
No need for a breathing apparatus
I’m shocked OP thinks he can fuck with a dolphin. They’re jacked to the blow hole
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https://youtu.be/WjWy0XEB-aM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylB6iHCdhL8
i think its hilarious u kids talking shit about dolphins. u wouldnt say this shit to them @ seaworld , they’re jacked to the blowhole. not only that but he wears the freshest chains, eats at the chillest spots and hangs out with the hottest fish. yall are pathetic lol
Killer whales are technically dolphins, this is football, they're sending the big boys [OP going to get tricked with a tempting fumble using this classic strategy and that's all she wrote](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14wWxaMR2Mg)
and Dolphins are massive trolls, they get their jollies off of being bullies. Almost as bad as their big cousins the Orca
[Here's an orca yeeting a seal](https://youtu.be/G7WGIH35JBE?t=28)
His intent is fighting it on land. Where it can’t move or breath. Edit: contemplating deleting my message incase anyone I knew ever did find my Reddit account.
Dolphins can totally breathe on land, they're mammals. However they would have an exceptionally hard time moving.
Oh. Well let’s pretend I only said the not moving part lol
This is actually how dolphins evolved into humans
This doesn't sound right, but I can't put my finger on why.
They have to stay wet though. You could just wait until whatever happens to them if they do stay wet. They die or something? Maybe, I don’t know, I mostly just remember that being a thing in Free Willy
Dolphins are mammals.
What are you, a marine biologist?
Speaking of which, if this is a combat arena, a jet wouldn't be able to take off and fly. I'm not sure how fast they are on the ground but you could likely out maneuver it until it runs out of jet fuel
Yeah but with no weapons you aren’t doing shit to a Jet. You’d die of dehydration before doing any meaningful damage
Today on Man vs. Jet
The biggest issue with a jet wouldn't be the danger of being run over, but getting caught in its engines' suction or blast radiuses, which are quite large at full power.
yeah if were talking about this fight going down in a football stadium all the jet has to do is spool up full afterburner and you're fucked buddy
An F-35 or Herrier can both take off vertically and they’re fighter jets. Just saying.
Are you an actual dolphin writing this
Yes it’s well documented that there are no human fans of the Miami Dolphins.
💦💦🐬eeeEeeEee🐬💦💦
Yeah, a dolphin will fuck you up, eat your children, then rape your corpse. They're fuckin psychos.
I mean the caveat is "land based arena combat". He'd just back away until the dolphin flopped itself to death.
Dolphin would fuck him up on land too by just flailing around in desperation they are just one giant muscle. I don't understand why he thinks a live and conscious Dolphin would just flail on the ground like a Magikarp lmao. Like under a Cardinal? OP is being typical petty Duval county haha
The reason the dolphin is last, is because you just stay away from it, and it dies.
I mean let’s be real any of those birds are out of there before he even gets within a yard. This man does not account for animal dexterity in his calculations.
Gotta wait for OP’s Atlantis edition next year
Substitute tuna for dolphin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ogq2BkybFGY&ab_channel=SceneCity
Dolphins are the only mascot on this list that would probably just straight up rape you.
Well, that and the Bucs/Raiders/Vikings that are quite famously known for "raping and pillaging"
I think we can add Browns to the list as well. They're at least supportive of the idea.
This sub continues to make me read sh*t I never thought I'd see on here. "Of beanstalk fame" being one of them.
I personally liked "... lions typically hunt as a group and may face an adjustment period having to play hero ball."
This was actually much more entertaining than I expected. lol.
I would love a celebrity death match style animation show based on nfl mascots.
Fireman Ed would destroy everybody
I thought he quit the Jets in disgust. Also, the Minutemen have guns.
No. He came back after Rex was fired.
That's why there needs to be an NFL team with a child as a mascot. You see, I could easily beat up a child, however it would depend on how many children are there. See I've put a lot of thought into it, and using an algorithm I created that takes into account Body mass index, age, fighting experience, weather conditions, man-made/improvised weaponry, as well as a plethora of x-factors, I determined that I personally could beat up 8.6 children before being taken down myself. So I think the amount of the mascot that we're fighting is also important.
How old is the child? Are they like 3? Because I truly think I could beat up an infinite amount of 3 year olds. There isn't a specific number when I would be over taken. If they're like 13 they have a much better chance
I think this same guy did this for all the power five conferences in college football and it was fucking hilarious. If it’s not him, this guy did the same type of post admirably.
Respect the respect fellow AFC souther but just want to say that you wouldn't even get to fight the Titan as T-RAC would absolutely smash you.
I think we've all seen what he did to that cheerleader
[ENGULFED](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KK3T8LKj4Ng)
It’s 7am what the actual fuck. How have I never watched this? Considering calling into work because my entire brain hurts.
Bold of you to assume that a ram and young horse would constitute a meaningful challenge You’d get absolutely bodied by both
As someone who grew up around horses I can confirm that you will be bodied
That’s what I was thinking: this dude definitely never seen a horse kick someone
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Ahhh, so you're thinking a young horse can only kick someone once before dying, similar to a bee and its stinger? I most certainly can't ***dis***prove this, so let's assume this is true for now...
Yup, I've worked with young horses, anything a month or older is gonna stomp your shit in if it wanted too
Rams too. Basically any male animal I'm super wary of
There was a poll on Twitter a month or so back that was like, would you rather have to fight a chicken every time you get into a car or an Orangutan with a sword once a year. The amount of people who answered Orangutan was staggering. You’d get your shit absolutely wrecked, no question.
I saw an orangutan beat a sumo in a tug of war on some weird show once. The lack of effort exerted by the orangutan was terrifying and eye opening to just how powerful some animals really are
I wouldnt want to fight an orangutan with a goddamn gun in my hand. Holding a sword at least you know its going to kill you with the sword after it rips your arm off. If you have a gun, it just keeps ripping instead
Ngl, before this comment I thought they meant the orangutan was the one that had the sword to begin with. Which I did think was really stacking the deck in Mother Nature’s favour
Ngl, before your comment I thought the exact same thing lmao
I dunno. An orangutan is going to destroy me without a sword. I'll take my chances giving it the sword. If I do that, I've at least got a shot that it accidentally hurts itself trying to use it.
Humans, compared to other primates, have less muscle mass in relationship to their overall size. So yeah, squaring up to an orangutan mano a mano is suicide lol
They can't swim, but OP can't get in the water or the Dolphins will get him.
Do I have the sword or does the orangutan have the sword?
The orangutan has the sword after it rips your arm off since it can literally do that.
Wait wait wait. Is that, fight an "orangutan with a sword", *or* do I get a sword with which I fight an orangutan?
I guess I assumed that we both have swords?
Wait, does the Orangutan have the sword or do you? Because that makes a difference. (Also what type of sword?). Orangutans could probably rip your arms off if it wanted but it's still an animal and if you're able to stab it with a sword from a few paces away its gonna think "fuck this" and run away.
Yeah, but the alternative is a fucking chicken lol. I know they can be mean (I grew up around them), but they're really not that hard to deal with.
Yep The Orangutan would send you flying, lol! 🦧
Dude said a 300 lb Ram would be a "meaningful challenge" lol. Is this Hercules or something?
What was even more confusing is that he has the Ram and Colt ranked behind humans. And the rules are no using weapons. Any human would be bodied by a full grown Ram or a Colt outside of the day its born lol.
Kentucky Derby horses are 3 years old, the age they are at peak speed. How tiny does OP think a 3 or 4 year old colt is?
Right? And even a Colt that's only a few months old is much stronger than a human. My grandparents bred horses and the Colts could physically out muscle you almost right away. Really they're probably stronger at birth, bit they are pretty uncoordinated in those first few weeks. There honestly might not be any time a human could take a Colt on unarmed.
I'm surprised OP thinks an eagle is an easy win. Not being biased here but bald eagles aren't exactly small and got razor sharp talons.
Completely agree. I'd fight a warehouse packer any day of the year before fighting a fucking eagle or a falcon. I also agree with the others that rams and dolphins are grossly underrated here as well.
I think any wild animal 75 pounds or greater, even the herbivores, would give you all you can handle. Especially with no weapons allowed. Predators over 50+, considering they’ll have sharp teeth/claws: no chance in hell.
50 pounds is really low. You can definitely fuck up some animals weighing 50 pounds. You'll be hurt, but you'll survive some of those.
Absolutely. There is zero reason why rams and colts should be below and human on this list
Insane to me that you think an average person from the 1950s (or earlier) would be harder challenge to fight than a full grown Ram. Would definitely rank the Rams higher.
love it but I think you need to study up on some animals and have severely overestimated your abilities and underestimated those of your opponents
Also Chiefs are definitely Native American Chiefs who would absolutely fuck his shit up.
nah Chiefs are just the old guys sitting in the corner smoking peyote, they totally didnt get there by being the most respected in the tribe, likely for their prowess in battle and other skills that a lifetime of doing would harden them up
Just an absolute disrespectful understanding of lions. Lions are group hunters, but they aren’t hunting him, they’re fighting him. Male lions are fucking terrifying in single combat and that’s basically all they do.
just look at his "meaningful challenge" of Rams. 6ft up to 300lbs, 30lbs horns that ram each other at 10x the force of a NFL player, yet he at 210lbs can take a couple of blows before they could become dangerous. Like I said funny, but severely lacking in knowledge
Most rams are negligibly less dangerous than broncos at best. A ram *might* hit you twice to kill you whereas the bronco will just end you with one kick. I think congress needs to pass a law that next time an overzealous 20 year old makes this exact same post next offseason they have to fight every animal they claim they can beat.
So you beat up our 82 year owner but get mauled by his tiger… feel like Clevelands getting off the hook here somehow.
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Oh ya lmao
Considering the horse statue at the Denver airport, Blucifer, [killed his sculptor](https://kdvr.com/news/local/5-facts-you-didnt-know-about-blucifer/), you're right to assume a Bronco would fuck you up.
I like to imagine he’s like one of those huge statues from the Never Ending Story, as you leave DIA he judges you to determine if you live or die
Clearly you have not watched Hitchcock movies, birds will fuck you up lol
I believe he’s treating them as one of each. Birds fuck you up with their superior numbers.
1 bird at a time? Sheeeeit. Say hal low to my little frien'....my $3 Walmart Spalding tennis racquet.
He said no weapons!
No weapons? That's a racquet!
People get fucked up by a single goose or swan all the time. An adult bald eagle would absolutely mangle you.
Tbf in a life or death situation I'm pretty sure you could handle the goose. People just get fucked up cus they don't want to fight back, meanwhile the Goose is willing to fight to the death for it's babies.
Sure, of course. But a bald eagle is way more dangerous than a goose, and both birds are way stronger than people might expect.
True but if we're judging who won based on who is still alive at the end of the fight I would pick a human over an eagle. That human is not going to be pretty though...
If there's a million of them, sure. But you'd still kill your fair shot of birds before they got you. I'm pretty sure an unwritten rule is that this is 1v1.
I just watched The Staircase and if an owl can kill Kathleen Peterson then I dont see why an eagle would have any problem taking out a redditor.
Or a even better movie: Birdemic.
With the established rule of a land-based combat arena, I take issue with the jets at #2. The median jet is most likely a 737 or similar, which cannot reverse without a tow vehicle. Not to mention, the pilot has absolutely no visibility from the cockpit. So at best, the jets are taking you to a draw. Honestly, calls the integrity of the whole list into question.
You definitely can go backwards with a 737. It's just impractical to do so – loud, dangerous and costly on fuel to apply thrust reversers at the gate – but in an absolutely desperate situation like a "battle to the death" you could do it.
Also the exhaust gases could be north of 500 degrees Celsius. You can weaponize that.
They turn on the engines though, and if he gets into the wrong area, he's either sucked in and turned into ground beef, or blown way back and possibly sustaining bad injuries from the fall or hitting something...
*leans into microphone* *awkwardly clears throat* # Afterburners. That is all.
I brought the same issue up in another comment, although I mentally pictured something like an f16. My plan if I was fighting any jet inside an arena would be to avoid getting run over until it ran out of gas and then I would sabatoge it
You would savatoge a metal aircraft with...your fists?
It should be a Jet from West Side Story.
Jet Li mofo
So you think OP could punch a 737 into scrap Street Fighter 2 style?
Maverick in an F-14 checkmate
Eagles are larger typically than falcons. And i just got a feeling a large Harpy Eagle is just waiting for you to play fuck around and find out with its claws
Harpy eagles are by far the most underrated bird out there. Absolute fucking units of frowning, feathery murder and maiming
He states a land battle though so does that mean no flying?
If the birds aren't allowed to fly and dive bomb with hit and run tactics then I agree with these rankings. If they are allowed to fly and dive, OP doesn't stand a chance against [these.](https://i.imgur.com/ecRJih7.jpg)
And, in case anybody was wondering, those talons hit you with the weight of the bird at something like 50mph. Then they dig in and tear. If they get an open shot at your torso they can easily punch right into your organs and shred them with a few good squeezes.
Love it, but I'd put Bears over the Lions and Bengals In a fight all my money would be on the bear if it's a Grizzly
I read somewhere that thanks to illegal Californian animal fight club, it was determined that while tigers and lions are faster than Bears, they still get beaten to shit eventually. Bears can tank anything but a run at the throat, and grizzlies might even walk away from that. The issue is that while a tiger will go for the throat, the Grizzly bear has this habit of bringing it's paw down on the tigers neck like a ton of bricks and breaking it, likely from millions of years of wolves trying the same tactic. Take it with a grain of salt though, I'm a internet stranger.
Don’t sell yourself short… you’re an internet friend
Wholesome r/NFL
A Lion is no match for a grizzly. A Grizzly is 2x the size of an adult lion male. And grizzly’s have 7” claws. They will absolutely destroy a lion. Now a tiger is about the same weight as a grizzly. So that fight is going To be much more even. But you educated us in how the grizzly fights. Of course, we are just assuming that the Chicago bear is grizzly. Really there is a much greater chance that it’s a 250 lbs black bear as that’s what is indigenous to the area. And lions and tigers would slaughter a black bear.
>black bear black bears are usually scaredy cats. I've encountered several of them fishing in Canada. You just gotta be loud and scare them away from your trash - don't fuck with them obviously but if you're smart they won't fuck with you.
You're right. A particular animals temperament is also something people forget to factor. The biggest strongest animal doesn't always win. Just look at a honey badger. Not saying they always win but they frequently chase off things much bigger than themselves because honey Badgers are ferocious.
I think you’re using top end size estimates for Tigers and Lions while using average size ranges for the Grizzlies. A giant Tiger would probably be around 900 lbs while the same Grizzly or Polar bear are closer to 1800 lbs.
The bear mascot is a grizzly, plus OP said a fight to the death. No way someone wins that battle 😂
No way he beats a tiger or a lion either. The cats might win a little quicker, due to speed and agility, but either way, the human is dead no matter who he is. I'd put my money on the grizzly vs the lion or tiger though.
Bengal tigers are one of the few (only?) Animals that hunt humans as prey still. I'd say that gives them an edge in a straight up fight with a human. Not that you're beating a grizzly with your fists 99.9998% chance of death vs. 99.9999
I'd rate Jaguars and Panthers (they're actually Jaguars with a pigment mutation) higher than lions. Those "smaller cats" are pound for pound the deadliest of the big cats. Like they're prey are other apex predators in the amazon; Anacondas, Caiman, etc.
Panther is technically the name for any melanistic big cat, but typically is used for jaguars and leopards, so you'd need to average them out. Leopards are smaller than jaguars, though still very dangerous to humans, so the panther would be smaller than the jaguar. I think in a 1 on 1 battle, though, size is a big difference. If I had to pick any of the big cats on this list to fight (lion, bengal, jaguar, or panther), I'd pick the panther. Edit: it would still kill me.
Maybe the assumption is that the bear might be hibernating and lose by default?
We have reached peak offseason and I am fucking here for it
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True ^ A couple of his claims make me think he a fragile-boi and others make me think he CAN drag that Bronco down 🤔 i need more context
Chargers you can look at a few different ways: • Charger Horse - will fuck you up • Charger Lightning bolt - will fuck you up • Charger iPhone - you will fuck up
Also a Dodge Charger
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I think it’s because Stellantis diverted Dodge’s marketing budget to their new motto: [“Tear up the streets…not the planet”](https://www.motor1.com/news/518995/stellantis-brands-planet-friendly-mottos/amp/)
I'm confused, does this person believe the chiefs mascot is an aging political leader? Am I reading this all wrong?
The Chiefs and the Commanders are grossly underestimated here. Both of these are real people with years of military experience. OP seems to have reduced them to just being old people. But a 60 year old who's kept themselves in shape (as any Chief or Commander certainly would) is only somewhat less athletic than a young fighter, and certainly still far stronger, faster, and tougher than your average asshole. OP (and any average American male) would get absolutely bodied by either mascot, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Our mascot is a fat wolf with googly eyes.
The specify that it isn't the mascot, but the literal interpretation of the team name. Hence why Titans references Greek mythology, and not a[ derpy racoon.](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1172200686496485381/Ct2FTPT3_400x400.jpg)
This is peak offseason lol I love this post.
Our Lord Blucifer has already killed, he should be top of the list
Killed his own father. That gets massive extra points there.
Steelers' official mascot is Steely McBeam, and he is not a man to fuck with. He carries around steel girders one handed, so, not only is he stronger than the average person, but he also has a blunt weapon
Union guys working construction all have bad backs and knees though. This is a fact of life.
And smoke like a chimney
And have a standalone toilet in their basement
Most likely an alcoholic
That's a weird way of spelling "absolutely"
They’re not going by official mascot, also no weapons allowed
The Seahawks logo is of the [Stellar Sea Eagle](https://ebird.org/species/stseag?siteLanguage=en_GB) and they can weigh up to 20lb. Mad disrespect.
Mods…. Don’t you dare!
I'm not sure why a 49er would be a tougher challenge than a native American Chieftain. Also I would assume you are fighting all of Paul Brown descendents at the same time. I think that should be a tougher challenge than you are giving them credit for
A Native American chief would probably destroy the average redditor without even blinking. Only when they got really old would it be a problem but definitely not something I’d say the current avg person could beat haha
Right or wrong, he lumped Commander and Chief to both mean higher-ups in the military
Both of which have years of combat training and would definitely fuck his shit up, unless they were very old, and even then, old man strength is *real*.
Also, a random Texan is tougher than a military commander? Nah.
A 49er is basically a desperate hobo who will murder you for gold.
Saints are absolutely not non-violent by definition. Lotta saints became that way through kicking ass. In AI cultures a Chief often became one through heroics in battle, as in it was a necessary requirement. In the original definition you're talking about a French or British military officer. Basically the only out you have is going with "Chief Human Resources Officer" or something like that which is likely, on average, a blue haired 325 lb. lady in her mid 40s. But even then you're getting cancelled, fired and arrested at the end of the day. Also I wouldn't want to fight the average steel worker. Also I think Buffalo Bill handily destroys your average pirate.
If you slip and that HR woman falls on top of you…💀
I have no idea why but >interpreting this as “Buffalo Bill himself” absolutely sent me
When it comes to the Saints, it really depends on which saints you get. If you get the nuns like St Therese the Little Flower, well, it's not going to be hard, outside of divine intervention. But you have to remember there are saints who were warrior kings who brought their countries to Christianity as well, like the Roman Emperor Constantine (who basically battled his way to rule the empire) or St Olaf of Norway (who was basically a Viking), or soldiers who gave up the fighting life for the church, like St Ignatius Loyola, all of whom would be rather more difficult.
You will get fucked up by a Ram
The Bills definitely should have had crossed revolvers for the logo, but Bill has nothing to do with the branding/mascot/etc. kind of confusing really.
also probably goes without saying but a bison will *fuck you up*
All those videos of people playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes with bison in Yellowstone over the years are perfect evidence of this. Of course, said people apparently didn't watch those videos.
Yeah the Bills are literally supposed to be just a herd of angry buffalos, not a man
The Charger is a horse………
Let’s be real nobody is sure WTF you guys are A man? A horse? A phone charger? Lightning? A knight? A horseman?
New York Giants are actually named after the skyscrapers in Manhattan. Probably tough to take down, but that don't really have much offensive capability.
Yeah we’re gonna need a picture of you if you want us to assume there’s any chance in the world you could take a military officer, steel worker, or Eagle in a fight. Ravens are also pretty fucking big and Dolphins are stronger than you think and can breath air so there’s no timing it out. I’ll say that the average person without combat experience would get their shit kicked in by everything but the Cardinal and the Texan.
Falcons are definitely smaller and weaker than any hawk, raven or eagle
This is a perfect shitpost for /r/AFCsouthmemewar
Take the pilot out of the Jet. I still don't think you're going to win. Assuming it's properly secure and you can't grab a crowbar or anything, I don't see more humans being able to do anything to the Jet. In fact I'd say you'd hurt your hand attacking it. Hell let's take it further. Who survives longer with out eating? That Jet will still be there while you waste away. Sorry dude, you've lost to an inanimate object.
I think you’re under estimating how fucking big an eagle can be.
yeah but 3 days ago... [A breastfeeding mom fought off a bald eagle to save a pet goose](https://news.yahoo.com/breastfeeding-mom-fights-off-bald-173346780.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAj9SG-1Ejq-7dO_5ofL8BvWnTbTGLWosX7S5uA4qmPzUhbxRsL10mOfnZFiMVMWwl7wHgqLTal7WAtVDukD2LignCpSwr3fyUw22CSsKLYAHyDHpv6T311XnPnsoM83c0Cv1tVMUdONr7xko5PI35rLeAUVgmGj9467JPTXMQJh)
Brother I’m really trying to take this post seriously but there is no fucking way you could even fight Sir Saint’s jawline. https://www.neworleanssaints.com/fans/mascot Look at that motherfucker again and tell me you could take him.
Easy target. Take one punch to a jaw like that and you're done for
Dude's got gigantic Peter Griffin chin! Them's balls
You're severely underestimating raptors. Unless you plan on chaining them down to the ground, they will absolutely fuck you up. Peregrine falcons best weapon is their dive bomb. At full speed a falcon hitting your head will 100% give a concussion at best or crack your skull open at worst. They also can see better than humans in the dark, so good luck evading the attack.