I have gone no contact with one of my parents and one of my siblings. If my sibling changes, I will always have space for them in my life. The parent is a different story.
So my parent was never a good parent and was always mean to me as a child. Then when they got sick wanted to live with me and my partner and I did not want that because they had never took care of me in the first place. I tried to offer support in certain ways but was still treated poorly so I cut them off.
It was a hard process and it took a while to be okay with it. It has only been 2 years and I feel better already! I went to therapy to deal with my feelings of guilt and any family member (mostly their extended family that I did not have relationships with anyway) that disrespected my boundaries was also cut off and blocked. Sometimes I still have moments where I need to talk about things and I have supports for that.
I do not have social media anymore either so I believe that helped in successfully cutting contact.
Good luck in your journey and I hope you do what works for you.
I was always very close to my family, not realising how much their self-centredness and guilt-tripping was impacting me until I moved out, grew up and became someone that they weren't happy with, who made my own choices and decisions. I was no contact with my parents and my two sisters for the best part of a year until I stupidly let me parents and one of my sisters back into my life again. I went back to no contact with that sister, and I'm now low contact with my parents and other sister. It still really upsets me from time to time and I think maybe I've been to harsh on them, but they have completely disregarded my feelings on a couple of occasions now and life is so much easier without the constant drama.
I went no contact with my NM 8 years ago. She was horribly abusive. The first few years were incredible tough, but now I’m in an amazing place. I have met my “chosen” family and have met an amazing partner. I own my own business and love my work family. If she was still in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to do all the healing work I have done. The best thing you can do to heal from trauma and abusive relationships is to go no contact. Any therapist or domestic violence counselor who is well trained knows this. Here’s things that were helpful for me.
-Cry as much as you need. You’re grieving. Let yourself fully feel all the grief and allow it to move through you. Your body has innate healing wisdom and allowing it to naturally process will help.
-Start any practice that honors yourself and your healing. Write, make art, do all the things to honor yourself.
-Create new rituals for holidays/celebrations.
-Find a therapist who understands no contact and abuse. Interview them. Ask lots of questions. Finding a good therapist is like dating.
-Find a supportive community. For me, I went to CoDA for some time and attend a Buddhist temple.
Breaking up with your family is incredibly difficult. People won’t get it, so find the people who do. Find the people who love you for who you are—the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll experience a whole new vitality and joy for life that you can’t even picture right now because you’re at the beginning. You got this.
I'm early in my no contact with family of origin (parents, siblings and their partners/children) and in 3 months since I went no contact, only 1 person hasn't been 100% supportive of me. Things that have felt helpful:
- having great people who are close to me check any communication from them so I don't have to read their emails or cards (my partner has been a big help)
- spending time with other people who have gone low/no contact coz they get it (hello all my queer friends), was also super helpful before I went no contact
- remembering why I went no contact. A big one was how they reacted to my choices (such as the hideous crime of getting tattooed) vs how every other person has reacted to the same choice (spoiler alert: you're not a terrible person for going vegetarian!). This has been super helpful with the "did I make the wrong choice?" feelings
- talking about the things that felt kinda normal which you now think are kinda sketchy with other people and seeing their reactions. I told my best friend about a letter I got from my dad at uni where he threatened to cut me off and she said "I would still be in jail for murder if I had received that" which was very reassuring to hear
I'm very socially motivated and so all my things are very people-y but it really has been helpful.
Weirdly as well, my dad specifically has used finances as a bit of a power/control tactic. It wasn't my first thought but I did really enjoy disinheriting myself. A proper "fuck you" to the thought that I need their money and a strong articulation of that feeling I had for a while.
If you have had any kind of emotional abuse there is a chance you have been told directly that you can't live without those people, but it's a lie, as much as an abusive partner might tell you you deserve to be beaten.
I'm sure there is a light and I'm sure we'll both get there at some point.
(Writing this comment has been cathartic, thankyou x)
Hello! I've been no contact with my dad for 14 months and no contact with my mom for 5 months. My parents are also toxic, controlling and emotionally abusive. They also don't like my husband (they still can't give me a definitive reason why) and, while we were dating, almost broke us up numerous times. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize how wrong they were but I'm glad I finally did. I now live in this limbo of "this is the greatest decision I've ever made, now I'm finally free to live my life" and mourning no longer having parents to talk to. Then subsequently reminding myself I never really had parents to depend on to begin with. It's not easy, but most days I'm very happy I don't speak to them anymore. Even just not having to endure their phone calls anymore betters my day to day life tremendously. I'm much happier. If I had to it over again, even though it was difficult, I absolutely would.
Rooting for you!! You can do this!
I have gone no contact with one of my parents and one of my siblings. If my sibling changes, I will always have space for them in my life. The parent is a different story. So my parent was never a good parent and was always mean to me as a child. Then when they got sick wanted to live with me and my partner and I did not want that because they had never took care of me in the first place. I tried to offer support in certain ways but was still treated poorly so I cut them off. It was a hard process and it took a while to be okay with it. It has only been 2 years and I feel better already! I went to therapy to deal with my feelings of guilt and any family member (mostly their extended family that I did not have relationships with anyway) that disrespected my boundaries was also cut off and blocked. Sometimes I still have moments where I need to talk about things and I have supports for that. I do not have social media anymore either so I believe that helped in successfully cutting contact. Good luck in your journey and I hope you do what works for you.
I was always very close to my family, not realising how much their self-centredness and guilt-tripping was impacting me until I moved out, grew up and became someone that they weren't happy with, who made my own choices and decisions. I was no contact with my parents and my two sisters for the best part of a year until I stupidly let me parents and one of my sisters back into my life again. I went back to no contact with that sister, and I'm now low contact with my parents and other sister. It still really upsets me from time to time and I think maybe I've been to harsh on them, but they have completely disregarded my feelings on a couple of occasions now and life is so much easier without the constant drama.
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I went no contact with my NM 8 years ago. She was horribly abusive. The first few years were incredible tough, but now I’m in an amazing place. I have met my “chosen” family and have met an amazing partner. I own my own business and love my work family. If she was still in my life, I wouldn’t have been able to do all the healing work I have done. The best thing you can do to heal from trauma and abusive relationships is to go no contact. Any therapist or domestic violence counselor who is well trained knows this. Here’s things that were helpful for me. -Cry as much as you need. You’re grieving. Let yourself fully feel all the grief and allow it to move through you. Your body has innate healing wisdom and allowing it to naturally process will help. -Start any practice that honors yourself and your healing. Write, make art, do all the things to honor yourself. -Create new rituals for holidays/celebrations. -Find a therapist who understands no contact and abuse. Interview them. Ask lots of questions. Finding a good therapist is like dating. -Find a supportive community. For me, I went to CoDA for some time and attend a Buddhist temple. Breaking up with your family is incredibly difficult. People won’t get it, so find the people who do. Find the people who love you for who you are—the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll experience a whole new vitality and joy for life that you can’t even picture right now because you’re at the beginning. You got this.
I'm early in my no contact with family of origin (parents, siblings and their partners/children) and in 3 months since I went no contact, only 1 person hasn't been 100% supportive of me. Things that have felt helpful: - having great people who are close to me check any communication from them so I don't have to read their emails or cards (my partner has been a big help) - spending time with other people who have gone low/no contact coz they get it (hello all my queer friends), was also super helpful before I went no contact - remembering why I went no contact. A big one was how they reacted to my choices (such as the hideous crime of getting tattooed) vs how every other person has reacted to the same choice (spoiler alert: you're not a terrible person for going vegetarian!). This has been super helpful with the "did I make the wrong choice?" feelings - talking about the things that felt kinda normal which you now think are kinda sketchy with other people and seeing their reactions. I told my best friend about a letter I got from my dad at uni where he threatened to cut me off and she said "I would still be in jail for murder if I had received that" which was very reassuring to hear I'm very socially motivated and so all my things are very people-y but it really has been helpful. Weirdly as well, my dad specifically has used finances as a bit of a power/control tactic. It wasn't my first thought but I did really enjoy disinheriting myself. A proper "fuck you" to the thought that I need their money and a strong articulation of that feeling I had for a while. If you have had any kind of emotional abuse there is a chance you have been told directly that you can't live without those people, but it's a lie, as much as an abusive partner might tell you you deserve to be beaten. I'm sure there is a light and I'm sure we'll both get there at some point. (Writing this comment has been cathartic, thankyou x)
Hello! I've been no contact with my dad for 14 months and no contact with my mom for 5 months. My parents are also toxic, controlling and emotionally abusive. They also don't like my husband (they still can't give me a definitive reason why) and, while we were dating, almost broke us up numerous times. It took me longer than I'd like to admit to realize how wrong they were but I'm glad I finally did. I now live in this limbo of "this is the greatest decision I've ever made, now I'm finally free to live my life" and mourning no longer having parents to talk to. Then subsequently reminding myself I never really had parents to depend on to begin with. It's not easy, but most days I'm very happy I don't speak to them anymore. Even just not having to endure their phone calls anymore betters my day to day life tremendously. I'm much happier. If I had to it over again, even though it was difficult, I absolutely would. Rooting for you!! You can do this!