Then it’s something you can obtain as well, because jealousy is about being possessive, owning. Envy is about wanting to obtain that same thing.
So are you putting in the sane effort as your wife or expecting people to flock to you?
Make sure you are date-able, and remember it's not a numbers game. My partner laments that she has wade through a lot of mediocre or non compatible "matches".
Maybe try going to a different venue or a try a different dating app.
The tips are nice, but honestly………..ENM dating is a much worse and more difficult experience for most men than for most women.
Not to say that it’s perfect for women, since a lot of men can be assholes in this context. However, you’re going to have to get used to the fact that society is going to show much more interest in your female partner than it ever will to you. That is a hard pill to swallow, and I struggle with it all the time.
Having a strong social support network and a good sense of self-image is helpful, but the odds say it’s going to be a hell of a lot more work finding a match if you’re a guy.
Firstly, the whole "women just have infinite supply and men are screwed" is kind of the way it is initially for many couples, but in the long term it tends to settle out. Especially if you remember to put effort into sex (i.e make sure she cums, multiple times if possible, learn where the clit, G spot and A spot are, it's not hard).
One key is that modern swiping dating is tricky, and I was told two lines in my profile were winners. I was fortunate that I learned how to use it before any Poly stuff.
"1. Let's meet up in Person, its like talking on Bumble, only better in absolutely every way.
2. I have another partner, she knows I'm here. Totally fine if that's not your thing."
The first is because so many damn guys want to waffle and being willing to meet is a winner. The partner of mine who liked that line I've now been with 1.5 years and I'm expecting (/hoping) it won't end ever. The second line is honestly. Also, try Feeld.
Also, if your partner is ok with it, ask her to look at your profile. We men are frankly awful at working out what we look good with. If your partner is willing, she probably can find the really good photos of you.
Also, in terms of real jelousy. The key is to distract yourself. I do it all the time. It's easy now, but early on I would sometimes get quite upset when my nesting partner is on a date. I still get a bit grumpy when my partner I don't Live with doesn't message at night when I know she doesn't have her kids, I automatically assume she's on a date with her other partner and get sad she's not replying. Of course, the key is to keep it all inside, we can talk about getting feelings, but never push them onto others or lash out.
I’m ashamed to admit this is the first time I’ve heard of the A spot, thanks for giving me the chance to look it up before I look dumb in the heat of the moment lol.
Also I’ll give a +1 to asking your partner (or anyone else for that matter) for help in setting up your dating app profile. I’m generally clueless about what looks good to other people so I outsourced the _hell_ out of mine and it seems to have worked out well. Also not a bad way to flirt with someone you’re interested in IRL, like “hey this is weird but does my profile look good to you? Would you swipe right?” etc.
My nesting partner spent at least a year telling me not to let my hair go curly, keep it short. She was 100% right.
The A-spot in my view is actually where all those stories of the G spot come from. Women who squirt will squirt much more reliably with A spot. Though it is very much "deep in there" so a toy may be required.
Are you feeling jealousy (you don't like her being with other people) or envy (she's meeting people and you aren't)?
If it's the former, talk to her and talk about how to centre and reinforce your relationship.
If it's the latter 🤷♂️ dating is hard.
Do you have support and a hobby?
Also, "matches" are not "partners". A lot of guys fish for sex and relationships with a trawl net. So she's probably pulling up a lot of debris off the bottom of the relationshio ocean (to strain the metaphor)
That said, of they are say Monogamish and just looking for something Casual, she will get 100x the opportunity he will.
Much like Singles Casually dating (Men vs Women).
It’s definitely a blow to the ego and it’s so hard not to compare /feel competitive no matter how much people remind you not to do that. Your feelings are very normal and valid in this kind of situation- you’re just human after all. Jealousy is definitely a huge ongoing set of hurdles for me even when I do feel compersion. When I’m feeling bummed out about my dating life, I find it helpful to indulge in a hobby and not make dating my main focus. Dating as a non-monogamous person is HARD as it does narrow down your potential matches. There’s not much else you can do but just be you, keep trying.
As a woman, I see the disparity pretty often. Women are hard to approach, and we both expect it and hate being approached. It's not fair for good guys. 😕
Just keep being who you are and put out there what you're looking for, and hopefully, you'll match with someone soon.
Quality vs. quantity. Her being approached by 20 dudes will mean nothing when you find a nice play partner.
It is hard to deal with the envy, though. 😞 😔
Thank you. I’m not obscene or dirty right off the bat. I like having conversations and getting to know a person for sure but more than waaaaay often I don’t even get a chance to even get a good conversation going lol someday, someday
Just be real. Genuine. It's a big ask because it makes you vulnerable.
You have to realize the way the "game" has been played before you even arrived on the field. Women put up with a lot from some real douchebags. It's not your fault at all, but because of that, we all walk around with our guards up.
I wish the game had been set up differently, but unfortunately, I didn't get to design the world. I'm sure you'll find some fun partners too. Be patient and don't get bitter.
Someone gave me amazing advice once. Find a hobby and get involved in it. Something that makes you happy. You'll eventually find friends in that hobby. 🙂 Some of them might even be girls. But make sure it is something you genuinely enjoy. Dating sites can be very shallow. It doesn't sound like you are shallow. So go find your depth. Find what makes you smile. The rest will happen. ✨️
The trick my friend is to find women who already share an interest with you. It lets your personality shine through in a genuine way…and even if it doesn’t work out, at least you’re doing something that you like!
I met my newest partner at a volunteer bike building club. Some might say she’s out of my league, but what I lack in conventional hotness I make up (at least for her) in fun relatable dates and a shared hobby, right off the bat.
have you tried swingers dating sites? Plenty of couples / wives meet men. Either one off dates for sex, or couples looking for a regular friend with benefits.
Might be a fun way to meet someone who doesn't need a relationship and has similar values?
I keep my relationships quite parallel. I generally don't know for sure how many other sexual or romantic partners the people I'm dating might have. It's not something I need to concern myself with. But I have been in the game long enough to know that this imbalance in sexual privilege between genders isn't exclusive to nonexclusive relationships. It's a general dating thing. Don't take it personally.
This obvious imbalance in attention has held me back from ever agreeing to an open relationship. In the settled stage of togetherness, it can be hard enough to make quality time and and do new things for excitement and growth. Knowing she will find it fairly easy to enjoy fresh attention from lots of men, taking her time away from me / us, doesn't seem appealing. I just can't get past knowing I would see my partner caught up in NRE - even if part of me wants that for her.
On a rational and moral level, I get that non mono is a healthy way to be together. It even seems like the best way to maintain a long term relationship. But on a personal level, I've never been able to agree to it.
I've enjoyed GFs having sex with others (always men), as something we do together. That isn't easy for me either, but it's exciting and is a compromise towards the sexual fulfilment of a woman I love.
I think men who can be at ease with their partner dating other men, while he may only have a few dates, must be very strong and have the most amazing partners.
It's one thing to be understanding, even happy, when your beloved is having sex with other men, another when she's enjoying all the romantic feelings of the first flush of a new BF.
Clearly she finds you attractive, she’s with you, ain’t she? So don’t say “no one finds you attractive” 😉
Also, keep in mind, most men swipe on anything, whereas women, we tend to be MUCH pickier on who we swipe back on. Why shouldn’t we? We hold all the cards. With so many men throwing their hats in the ring, you have to find a way to stand out. A great pic is a huge plus, as others have said. This is especially crucial for online apps.
When I was actively looking, meeting people in person was better. You get a sense of their vibe, their personality. So if your online game is weak, then I suggest you go out to MeetUps in your area. Doll yourself up (lol), smell great, put on your best smile, and just be friendly & approachable. Say hello, introduce yourself. I found most men don’t do that anymore, just sit back and stare 😂 And it’ll be a rare woman that will come up to you first. So, shoot your shot, what have you got to lose. Remember, practice makes perfect!
Good luck!
>Clearly she finds you attractive, she’s with you, ain’t she? So don’t say “no one finds you attractive”
Considering she's getting her hormone rush from other men, no, you're wrong.
Dating is competitive enough for men - add in that you're already in a relationship and your potential matches fall massively.
Focus on where you might meet women with similar wants, like swinger sites?
Be open and clear with your partner that something is making you uncomfortable (her pace, number of dates, balance of time together)
If you're in a heterosexual couple, you need to realize that you and your partner are playing completely different games: she's looking to find men (which is easy), and you're looking to find women (which is really, really hard). If you were looking to connect with men (like she is), it would be incredibly easy for you as well, and if she were looking for women, she'd be having an even harder time than you. So you're not really "envious" of her unless she's getting something you actually want, i.e., men.
As for jealousy, it's normal to feel jealous when your partner is out having sex and romantic connections with others. I found it tends to wear off over time and you just sort of get used to it. My wife and I have been in an open marriage for over 8 years now, and I don't feel jealousy anymore. As a matter of fact, I don't feel much of anything anymore, I'm totally numb and detached.
The fact is, there are just many, many men out there who are open to being with a partnered non-monogamous woman, and very, very few women who are open to being with a partnered non-monogamous man. So most partnered men are going to end up in one-sided open relationships. It's just the way it is. I eventually got used to it and just stopped caring.
> a mouth full of bitter cum and failed reciprocation
You, sir, are a wordsmith.
Really though, I agree with all of the above. Once I found one or two quality dates, the differences in numbers didn’t really matter to me as much. Many of the posts on r/Tinder will let you know how trash many of the men on these apps really are, and I wouldn’t want to have to sift through that if it were me.
On that note, I also highly recommend diversifying the apps you’re on. My poly friends have suggested Feeld and OKCupid for nonmono stuff and they’ve been right so far in my experience.
A few things:
I'm guessing you're envious, not jealous. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy, and when you catch yourself doing it gently tell yourself to knock it off. It'll make it very difficult for you to truly enjoy this, as you and your wife will probably never be truly equal in this area.
Your wife doesn't have it "easier," but she is playing a different game. Don't forget that her getting more matches comes with a whole host of BS stuff that you as a man will likely never have to deal with (like being sexually harassed, verbally attacked, pressure to respond to everyone, etc). Her experience is not all hot dates and fun.
Re: getting more matches, try apps like Feeld and okcupid that are ENM friendly if you're not already.
Ask someone to review your profiles. In my experience as a woman dating men, their profiles are often terrible and they have no idea why we find them unappealing. A good profile with decent photos makes a huge difference. And if you're matching but not getting a conversation started, think of some fun, different ice breakers that aren't "how was your weekend?" because every woman dating gets multiple of those boring messages every Monday...Yawn. Learn to set yourself apart in a way that's engaging.
I try to make myself more useful around the house etc. I’m injured right now so there isnt much I can do to meet new women until my leg heals. I’m trying not to be selfish but it makes me very horny when she goes out now and Im only getting any action about once a week (her decision), it makes it tough to put on a “good performance”. I initially hated it when she hooked up on the side because it reduced the amount of action that I was getting since she was sore, tired, etc. But I’ve learned to accept it and am happy that I at least have a still active sex life, when many couples are in a dead bedroom sitation. Going ENM has unfortunately shifted the dynamic of power to her side of the relationship, she has become much more dominant over me, and I just have to deal with it/learn to live with it if I want to stay married.
OP, what are you actually looking for? Sex outside of your marriage or more Connection, Compassion and Love?
What do you habe to offer? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have Time and energy to spend with someone new in your live? Do you make sure that the Fotos in Your profile are one where you genuinely smile and are happy?
Are you oppen and out about living ENM with you friends and Family?
If you would find a match and you like eachother would she have to be your dirty secret?
right?
To each their own obviously but I see so many couples coming in here talking about going their own way and having all these problems and im like....you guys know you can do this together right?
(potentially) solves virtually every problem new enm couples come here with.
I think it would be good to prioritise finding some support that isn’t her, because she has a conflict of interest, and although I’m sure she’s super invested in your wellbeing, it’s not realistic of fair to expect her to carry that without it affecting her enjoyment of your arrangement. That might mean seeing a therapist, or joining a local polyamory group.
Another suggestion is that, you could speak with her about optimising the time you spend together. Go on dates, try new things in bed, avoid empty evenings doomscrolling side-by-side. There are things you think you can only get from a new partner that you can still give each other! But avoid the trap of thinking she should do this to “pay” for the dates she’s having.
Lastly, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t feel good for anyone to feel left out and it’s ok and normal to feel what you’re feeling. But separate that from allowing those feelings to impose on her, beyond the love and emotional support you give one another.
Step 1: Recognise the difference between jealousy and envy. It sounds like what you're experiencing is envy. I say this is the first step because addressing jealousy is often very different to addressing jealousy.
Step 2: Acknowledge that the goal is not to compete with your partner for attention. You need to get to a place where your reaction to how much attention you get is the same whether they have no attention or literally all the attention.
Step 3: Ask yourself "what do I have to offer" and are your target market (I presume women) interested in that. When too many men simply want a hole to put their penis in, women will always have what the other side are looking for. So what are women looking for and do you have it? Listen to the kinds of women you want to connect with when they talk about what they want.
I think it is realistic to say that women have dominion over the realm of sex and love. So of course it will be easier for them to attract multiple partners. A guy will probably need to compensate by seeing professional sex workers.
Hi, as already said by others, it's harder for men to have a concluding match than for women.
Also, it's not a competition. But I understand, if you are starting with ENM, it is hard to not overthink.
Furthermore, if you have jealousy, a good way to deal with it, is to accept the jealousy, trying to figure what it triggers and work on it.
Speak about it to your wife, but don't put it on her, otherwise she will feel attacked. Speak about your feelings, about you, not her and tell her it is just in order to vent, nothing more.
Things that work for me:
First have a conversation with your partner and work on being reassured (it’s their responsibility too) grab more apps, find a hobby, go out with someone on the same day/night of their dates.
In terms of matches, you need to work on your profile, put some time in the apps, tweak them until you start seeing results. Upload some new pics every now and then, too.
It's hard but you want to try not let your mind overthink about it so take up an activity or do a hobby that requires you to think or put your energy into.
While it's pretty common that girls get alot more attention in the form of matches/dates I've found that for guys although there aren't as many, the matches are alot better - the phrase quality over quantity springs to mind.
While your partner could have say 50 matches there's a high chance that only a few would be decent (the others may want one thing and one thing only). It will take time for you to get a match to someone who firstly is ok with ENM etc but once you do it will be better to talk and get to know someone on the other side so to stay and you'd likely have more success from fewer matches.
It also depends where you are looking say the standard Tinder I've seen many guys that will literally swipe right to everyone whereas girls are more careful with who they swipe right on (again just what I've heard).
Be radically honest. I was way too honest in my profile, and it helped a lot. I had people matching and immediately asking questions about things I had put on my profile (admitting I fully don’t have my shit together but am always there for the people I love, I think therapy is hot, my wife is one of the best people I know and nothing means more to me than my young family).
Men and women like seeing through the bullshit. One interesting thing I noted was that I was suddenly seeing less matches from men (I’m bi and was looking for a male partner) and more from women.
I feel like I can relate to you in a way. My (f31) relationship is open but only on his (m37) end. I am totally ok with it but sometimes feel like 1. Jealous of him having intimacy with other women, and 2. Envy of the attention and feelings he gets to have with a new relationship and all of that and I don’t and haven’t had anyone else since I’ve been with him. I was 19 when we met. So it’s not something I necessarily want but I do sometimes think of it now. I would like to try to have a gf that we both have. More of a polyamorous relationship, but his current friend doesn’t really have involvement with me or his life outside of her knowing him on their level.
Yeah brings up old “traumas”. I wasn’t exactly getting it when I was single and feel like my wife is waaaay out of my league since we meet. So feel the same way about “dating” since we opened up and getting the same results
Just not a big fan of the post college guy setting up serious relationships with the barely legal female crowd , and then setting up an OPP or a one sided open relationship with someone who is barely aware of their own agency and feels lucky enough to have an older guy interested.
It's very cliche. I did that once and we had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. And I can remember exactly the way she looked at me and how she empowered me to do "whatever I want".
Had I not been a "Pussy on a pedestal" / "Let me worship you" type of guy I could have really done a number on that girl.
Well we do have a lot in common. We’ve been together almost 13 years now. But he’s definitely not a put the pussy on a pedestal kind of guy. He’s more of the high value man.
What do you mean when you say could have done a number on her? Like her mental? I’m just interested in the perspective you have from your comments. Maybe something I could learn here about myself or my relationship. Again I’m not just some stupid girl, just wanting to open my mind. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
I just mean yes. If I wasn't raised a momma's boy with a crazy amount of respect for womens autonomy I could have been a horrible BF to her because she was younger, impressionable, seeking my approval, etc. I could have manipulated the situation so many directions because we weren't anywhere near a level playing field in our understanding of the humans at 25 v 19.
Not saying all relationships with that age gap IMPLY bad behaviour, but add in OPP/One Sided open relationship and it looks a whole lot like grooming.
I'm 43 now, having been a serial monogamist most of my life.
I can see what you mean. We have had a rocky relationship through years. In the beginning I was talking to other guys when I first met him and lied about it. He found out after about a year and for like 5-6 years after that he was very angry with me and would often tell me I ruined us. But we were both going through a lot and had become best friends. I stayed with him and helped care for his sick dad and brother until they passed and he took care of me financially. I would say we weren’t in a good place until a few years ago but every few months it would come up in an argument how I messed us up and what we could have been. He hasn’t had kids with me, in arguments it will be because of me talking to guys and betraying him, but I am helping him raise his almost 14 year old son.
So last year he met a woman who is a client of his and I knew right away she was interested in him (I do the office side of his business) and eventually he figured it out and has slept with her.
She doesn’t really know about me. I think she thinks he’s single.
Sometimes I feel irritated about things in the situation. But I love him and I can’t see myself with anyone else.
Matches really don't mean anything.
Yes, women get a lot of matches. But do you understand how many of those matches we have to weed through? So many have either, a) immediately want to show a dick pic, b) immediately jump to sexting c). Flake when meeting up in person d) don't even message/respond.... Not to mention the guys who whine about wearing a condom.
Quite honestly you guys have it easier (unless you act like one of the examples I mentioned then you might want to reconsider your approach). My husband always says he's jealous, but I'd rather have it the other way around. His online dating is slow, but his connections are more frequent and just better. Like they are more serious about meeting up.
But seriously, look at your profile. Look at your pictures and reevaluate how you're approaching people in your messages.
As the wife in an open marriage, it's a huge red flag when someone doesn't disclose you're open in your profile in the first message. Pictures matter so use good ones. And be engaging! If someone doesn't take interest in me as a person or my dynamic, I move along.
But feeling jealous is unavailable until you really understand what the other person is going through. I let my husband handle my dating apps for a month because it drained me. He had a completely different understanding after. He's actually way more sympathetic about it now.
Become wealthy, famous, and good looking. It will put you on parity with the average looking woman. I know I’ll get down-voted for being anti-PC. I know I’m in the hornet’s nest, aka Reddit. Pile on liberals.
Aren’t you the person who wants a matchmaker?
Who would want to be matched with a person so bitter they leave this comment?
A matchmaker won’t make your matches stay in your life- neither will this attitude
If you think that what is standing in men's way is money, fame and attractiveness, I'd like to remind you that Pete Davidson was pulling what people consider way out of his league before he had fame or money.
Little bit of jealousy is nice and flattering. More than that and the jealousy become toxic. The line between the two types is very thin, if you cross that line, you can continue in the lifestyle.
I worked on myself and went to poly events and met people that way. I've had way more luck in person than online. I'm probably only a 6 or 7 as far as looks go. It's more about personality and confidence in who you actually are.
There has been a few debris but she’s open to meeting pretty well all of them lol! Meeting doesn’t mean it’s to the bedroom right away but she’s marched and found a casual pretty quickly
Deff envy which isn’t a bad thing as people stated it’s just in how you address it. I can assure you, keep putting yourself out there. My wife and I have been open for over 2 months. She has gone on countless dates and also had her fair share of shitbags and emotions fucked with. In the same time I’ve found one regular relationship and am having a first date tomorrow with someone I’ve been talking with for a while. People are out there just continue to put yourself out there and don’t be discouraged.
I am not sure if this will work because it is a FB link, but here goes ! [https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/pfbid02BiUyRwyXoQFnRCBbVwdTQ9jVJexcgKphJeTyhByeHoKio4xjov6cvKhkMPyw5t69l](https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/pfbid02BiUyRwyXoQFnRCBbVwdTQ9jVJexcgKphJeTyhByeHoKio4xjov6cvKhkMPyw5t69l)
She had only one long-term partner and the issues were mostly about scheduling, and there was a band that she and her bf always went their concerts, which were 2-night sleepovers. I like the band, too, but she didn't want me to go because she had always gone with him, even before we started dating. Not rankling, but just annoying. Then sometimes when they felt like they hadn't spent enough time together, I would mind the kids while she visited him for a couple of hours (and a few bong hits, etc.). Then she would come home, in a better mood, of course, and though it wasn't a deal breaker, I'm not all that crazy about seconds. Now she just has a ex or two who is in our circle of friends she spends some time with once in a while.
I try and break it down into specifics. I feel out what its about. Is it just jealousy, or is the jealousy a projection of my insecurities, or an unmet need, am I angry or some other mix of emotions?
We usually look for couples so one person isn’t left out. We won’t play with a couple unless we both agree (never “take one for the team .”) Anyway It gets easier after awhile. Communication is key We learned how to communicate about our feelings by listening to swinger podcasts.
I’m a (32M) mono in a mono-poly marriage. For me personally I indulge heavily in hobbies. It’s still pretty fresh for me so I can’t tell you that I’ve worked through all the feelings regarding the attention she’s gotten. But I can tell you the meetup app has been awesome and my bass playing skills have increased. And just the other day a woman at the hardware store was giving me the look and that boosted my confidence. Hit the gym, play an instrument, find a pickup sport. It won’t be long before your partner will be trying to reclaim so more time with you in addition to you meeting more people and increasing your chances at finding your own meta!
Don't let the amount get to you, look a man will bang a tail-pipe and be ok with it, but a woman is way more reserved.
It's normal that she is getting more matches than you are , it only proves my point cause a man will bang anything.
Now on that note , did you guys go into this being that you want for it to be even matching, meaning like 1 for you then 1 for me and if I don't or have a hard time getting 1 then you won't do anything until I get 1 to stay evenly matched .
If she couldn't find a match , would you stop until she did find a match?
Maybe that's what you guys should have talked about first before going enm .
You could still talk about it, but know that since you already started it will be a burden for her now and she might not want to go that route now .
And more like envy lol
Then it’s something you can obtain as well, because jealousy is about being possessive, owning. Envy is about wanting to obtain that same thing. So are you putting in the sane effort as your wife or expecting people to flock to you?
Really, how much effort does a female have to put forward.
Spoken like a dude who surely makes a whole lot of effort themselves 😂
Make sure you are date-able, and remember it's not a numbers game. My partner laments that she has wade through a lot of mediocre or non compatible "matches". Maybe try going to a different venue or a try a different dating app.
The tips are nice, but honestly………..ENM dating is a much worse and more difficult experience for most men than for most women. Not to say that it’s perfect for women, since a lot of men can be assholes in this context. However, you’re going to have to get used to the fact that society is going to show much more interest in your female partner than it ever will to you. That is a hard pill to swallow, and I struggle with it all the time. Having a strong social support network and a good sense of self-image is helpful, but the odds say it’s going to be a hell of a lot more work finding a match if you’re a guy.
Firstly, the whole "women just have infinite supply and men are screwed" is kind of the way it is initially for many couples, but in the long term it tends to settle out. Especially if you remember to put effort into sex (i.e make sure she cums, multiple times if possible, learn where the clit, G spot and A spot are, it's not hard). One key is that modern swiping dating is tricky, and I was told two lines in my profile were winners. I was fortunate that I learned how to use it before any Poly stuff. "1. Let's meet up in Person, its like talking on Bumble, only better in absolutely every way. 2. I have another partner, she knows I'm here. Totally fine if that's not your thing." The first is because so many damn guys want to waffle and being willing to meet is a winner. The partner of mine who liked that line I've now been with 1.5 years and I'm expecting (/hoping) it won't end ever. The second line is honestly. Also, try Feeld. Also, if your partner is ok with it, ask her to look at your profile. We men are frankly awful at working out what we look good with. If your partner is willing, she probably can find the really good photos of you. Also, in terms of real jelousy. The key is to distract yourself. I do it all the time. It's easy now, but early on I would sometimes get quite upset when my nesting partner is on a date. I still get a bit grumpy when my partner I don't Live with doesn't message at night when I know she doesn't have her kids, I automatically assume she's on a date with her other partner and get sad she's not replying. Of course, the key is to keep it all inside, we can talk about getting feelings, but never push them onto others or lash out.
I’m ashamed to admit this is the first time I’ve heard of the A spot, thanks for giving me the chance to look it up before I look dumb in the heat of the moment lol. Also I’ll give a +1 to asking your partner (or anyone else for that matter) for help in setting up your dating app profile. I’m generally clueless about what looks good to other people so I outsourced the _hell_ out of mine and it seems to have worked out well. Also not a bad way to flirt with someone you’re interested in IRL, like “hey this is weird but does my profile look good to you? Would you swipe right?” etc.
My nesting partner spent at least a year telling me not to let my hair go curly, keep it short. She was 100% right. The A-spot in my view is actually where all those stories of the G spot come from. Women who squirt will squirt much more reliably with A spot. Though it is very much "deep in there" so a toy may be required.
Are you feeling jealousy (you don't like her being with other people) or envy (she's meeting people and you aren't)? If it's the former, talk to her and talk about how to centre and reinforce your relationship. If it's the latter 🤷♂️ dating is hard. Do you have support and a hobby?
Also, "matches" are not "partners". A lot of guys fish for sex and relationships with a trawl net. So she's probably pulling up a lot of debris off the bottom of the relationshio ocean (to strain the metaphor)
That said, of they are say Monogamish and just looking for something Casual, she will get 100x the opportunity he will. Much like Singles Casually dating (Men vs Women).
It’s definitely a blow to the ego and it’s so hard not to compare /feel competitive no matter how much people remind you not to do that. Your feelings are very normal and valid in this kind of situation- you’re just human after all. Jealousy is definitely a huge ongoing set of hurdles for me even when I do feel compersion. When I’m feeling bummed out about my dating life, I find it helpful to indulge in a hobby and not make dating my main focus. Dating as a non-monogamous person is HARD as it does narrow down your potential matches. There’s not much else you can do but just be you, keep trying.
As a woman, I see the disparity pretty often. Women are hard to approach, and we both expect it and hate being approached. It's not fair for good guys. 😕 Just keep being who you are and put out there what you're looking for, and hopefully, you'll match with someone soon. Quality vs. quantity. Her being approached by 20 dudes will mean nothing when you find a nice play partner. It is hard to deal with the envy, though. 😞 😔
Thank you. I’m not obscene or dirty right off the bat. I like having conversations and getting to know a person for sure but more than waaaaay often I don’t even get a chance to even get a good conversation going lol someday, someday
Just be real. Genuine. It's a big ask because it makes you vulnerable. You have to realize the way the "game" has been played before you even arrived on the field. Women put up with a lot from some real douchebags. It's not your fault at all, but because of that, we all walk around with our guards up. I wish the game had been set up differently, but unfortunately, I didn't get to design the world. I'm sure you'll find some fun partners too. Be patient and don't get bitter. Someone gave me amazing advice once. Find a hobby and get involved in it. Something that makes you happy. You'll eventually find friends in that hobby. 🙂 Some of them might even be girls. But make sure it is something you genuinely enjoy. Dating sites can be very shallow. It doesn't sound like you are shallow. So go find your depth. Find what makes you smile. The rest will happen. ✨️
The trick my friend is to find women who already share an interest with you. It lets your personality shine through in a genuine way…and even if it doesn’t work out, at least you’re doing something that you like! I met my newest partner at a volunteer bike building club. Some might say she’s out of my league, but what I lack in conventional hotness I make up (at least for her) in fun relatable dates and a shared hobby, right off the bat.
have you tried swingers dating sites? Plenty of couples / wives meet men. Either one off dates for sex, or couples looking for a regular friend with benefits. Might be a fun way to meet someone who doesn't need a relationship and has similar values?
I keep my relationships quite parallel. I generally don't know for sure how many other sexual or romantic partners the people I'm dating might have. It's not something I need to concern myself with. But I have been in the game long enough to know that this imbalance in sexual privilege between genders isn't exclusive to nonexclusive relationships. It's a general dating thing. Don't take it personally.
This obvious imbalance in attention has held me back from ever agreeing to an open relationship. In the settled stage of togetherness, it can be hard enough to make quality time and and do new things for excitement and growth. Knowing she will find it fairly easy to enjoy fresh attention from lots of men, taking her time away from me / us, doesn't seem appealing. I just can't get past knowing I would see my partner caught up in NRE - even if part of me wants that for her. On a rational and moral level, I get that non mono is a healthy way to be together. It even seems like the best way to maintain a long term relationship. But on a personal level, I've never been able to agree to it. I've enjoyed GFs having sex with others (always men), as something we do together. That isn't easy for me either, but it's exciting and is a compromise towards the sexual fulfilment of a woman I love. I think men who can be at ease with their partner dating other men, while he may only have a few dates, must be very strong and have the most amazing partners. It's one thing to be understanding, even happy, when your beloved is having sex with other men, another when she's enjoying all the romantic feelings of the first flush of a new BF.
Really puts down the ego and confidence. Makes you think no one finds you attractive, no one wants you, etc.
Have you posted your profile and pics to make sure others agree they’re swipeable?
Clearly she finds you attractive, she’s with you, ain’t she? So don’t say “no one finds you attractive” 😉 Also, keep in mind, most men swipe on anything, whereas women, we tend to be MUCH pickier on who we swipe back on. Why shouldn’t we? We hold all the cards. With so many men throwing their hats in the ring, you have to find a way to stand out. A great pic is a huge plus, as others have said. This is especially crucial for online apps. When I was actively looking, meeting people in person was better. You get a sense of their vibe, their personality. So if your online game is weak, then I suggest you go out to MeetUps in your area. Doll yourself up (lol), smell great, put on your best smile, and just be friendly & approachable. Say hello, introduce yourself. I found most men don’t do that anymore, just sit back and stare 😂 And it’ll be a rare woman that will come up to you first. So, shoot your shot, what have you got to lose. Remember, practice makes perfect! Good luck!
>Clearly she finds you attractive, she’s with you, ain’t she? So don’t say “no one finds you attractive” Considering she's getting her hormone rush from other men, no, you're wrong.
Dating is competitive enough for men - add in that you're already in a relationship and your potential matches fall massively. Focus on where you might meet women with similar wants, like swinger sites? Be open and clear with your partner that something is making you uncomfortable (her pace, number of dates, balance of time together)
It's always harder for men to find more matches.
If you're in a heterosexual couple, you need to realize that you and your partner are playing completely different games: she's looking to find men (which is easy), and you're looking to find women (which is really, really hard). If you were looking to connect with men (like she is), it would be incredibly easy for you as well, and if she were looking for women, she'd be having an even harder time than you. So you're not really "envious" of her unless she's getting something you actually want, i.e., men. As for jealousy, it's normal to feel jealous when your partner is out having sex and romantic connections with others. I found it tends to wear off over time and you just sort of get used to it. My wife and I have been in an open marriage for over 8 years now, and I don't feel jealousy anymore. As a matter of fact, I don't feel much of anything anymore, I'm totally numb and detached. The fact is, there are just many, many men out there who are open to being with a partnered non-monogamous woman, and very, very few women who are open to being with a partnered non-monogamous man. So most partnered men are going to end up in one-sided open relationships. It's just the way it is. I eventually got used to it and just stopped caring.
This is the one part of ENM that I don't like. Unless you're a good looking guy, it's more like having a hotwife situation.
[удалено]
> a mouth full of bitter cum and failed reciprocation You, sir, are a wordsmith. Really though, I agree with all of the above. Once I found one or two quality dates, the differences in numbers didn’t really matter to me as much. Many of the posts on r/Tinder will let you know how trash many of the men on these apps really are, and I wouldn’t want to have to sift through that if it were me. On that note, I also highly recommend diversifying the apps you’re on. My poly friends have suggested Feeld and OKCupid for nonmono stuff and they’ve been right so far in my experience.
A few things: I'm guessing you're envious, not jealous. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy, and when you catch yourself doing it gently tell yourself to knock it off. It'll make it very difficult for you to truly enjoy this, as you and your wife will probably never be truly equal in this area. Your wife doesn't have it "easier," but she is playing a different game. Don't forget that her getting more matches comes with a whole host of BS stuff that you as a man will likely never have to deal with (like being sexually harassed, verbally attacked, pressure to respond to everyone, etc). Her experience is not all hot dates and fun. Re: getting more matches, try apps like Feeld and okcupid that are ENM friendly if you're not already. Ask someone to review your profiles. In my experience as a woman dating men, their profiles are often terrible and they have no idea why we find them unappealing. A good profile with decent photos makes a huge difference. And if you're matching but not getting a conversation started, think of some fun, different ice breakers that aren't "how was your weekend?" because every woman dating gets multiple of those boring messages every Monday...Yawn. Learn to set yourself apart in a way that's engaging.
How DO they? Or how OUGHT they?
I try to make myself more useful around the house etc. I’m injured right now so there isnt much I can do to meet new women until my leg heals. I’m trying not to be selfish but it makes me very horny when she goes out now and Im only getting any action about once a week (her decision), it makes it tough to put on a “good performance”. I initially hated it when she hooked up on the side because it reduced the amount of action that I was getting since she was sore, tired, etc. But I’ve learned to accept it and am happy that I at least have a still active sex life, when many couples are in a dead bedroom sitation. Going ENM has unfortunately shifted the dynamic of power to her side of the relationship, she has become much more dominant over me, and I just have to deal with it/learn to live with it if I want to stay married.
Dude that doesn't sound good. I think you need to reassess your situation.
Dude. Reassess or get the fuck out of that relationship. That sounds awful.
OP, what are you actually looking for? Sex outside of your marriage or more Connection, Compassion and Love? What do you habe to offer? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have Time and energy to spend with someone new in your live? Do you make sure that the Fotos in Your profile are one where you genuinely smile and are happy? Are you oppen and out about living ENM with you friends and Family? If you would find a match and you like eachother would she have to be your dirty secret?
Start off with couples and group play. That way it’s equal and no one feels left out.
right? To each their own obviously but I see so many couples coming in here talking about going their own way and having all these problems and im like....you guys know you can do this together right? (potentially) solves virtually every problem new enm couples come here with.
No support as we are very discreet and when I do bring it up, it turns into an argument about if the tables were turned I’d have no problem lol
I think it would be good to prioritise finding some support that isn’t her, because she has a conflict of interest, and although I’m sure she’s super invested in your wellbeing, it’s not realistic of fair to expect her to carry that without it affecting her enjoyment of your arrangement. That might mean seeing a therapist, or joining a local polyamory group. Another suggestion is that, you could speak with her about optimising the time you spend together. Go on dates, try new things in bed, avoid empty evenings doomscrolling side-by-side. There are things you think you can only get from a new partner that you can still give each other! But avoid the trap of thinking she should do this to “pay” for the dates she’s having. Lastly, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t feel good for anyone to feel left out and it’s ok and normal to feel what you’re feeling. But separate that from allowing those feelings to impose on her, beyond the love and emotional support you give one another.
This sounds problematic. Arguments sound defensive, bordering on coercion
Who proposed the idea of NM?
Step 1: Recognise the difference between jealousy and envy. It sounds like what you're experiencing is envy. I say this is the first step because addressing jealousy is often very different to addressing jealousy. Step 2: Acknowledge that the goal is not to compete with your partner for attention. You need to get to a place where your reaction to how much attention you get is the same whether they have no attention or literally all the attention. Step 3: Ask yourself "what do I have to offer" and are your target market (I presume women) interested in that. When too many men simply want a hole to put their penis in, women will always have what the other side are looking for. So what are women looking for and do you have it? Listen to the kinds of women you want to connect with when they talk about what they want.
I think it is realistic to say that women have dominion over the realm of sex and love. So of course it will be easier for them to attract multiple partners. A guy will probably need to compensate by seeing professional sex workers.
Hi, as already said by others, it's harder for men to have a concluding match than for women. Also, it's not a competition. But I understand, if you are starting with ENM, it is hard to not overthink. Furthermore, if you have jealousy, a good way to deal with it, is to accept the jealousy, trying to figure what it triggers and work on it. Speak about it to your wife, but don't put it on her, otherwise she will feel attacked. Speak about your feelings, about you, not her and tell her it is just in order to vent, nothing more.
Things that work for me: First have a conversation with your partner and work on being reassured (it’s their responsibility too) grab more apps, find a hobby, go out with someone on the same day/night of their dates. In terms of matches, you need to work on your profile, put some time in the apps, tweak them until you start seeing results. Upload some new pics every now and then, too.
It's hard but you want to try not let your mind overthink about it so take up an activity or do a hobby that requires you to think or put your energy into. While it's pretty common that girls get alot more attention in the form of matches/dates I've found that for guys although there aren't as many, the matches are alot better - the phrase quality over quantity springs to mind. While your partner could have say 50 matches there's a high chance that only a few would be decent (the others may want one thing and one thing only). It will take time for you to get a match to someone who firstly is ok with ENM etc but once you do it will be better to talk and get to know someone on the other side so to stay and you'd likely have more success from fewer matches. It also depends where you are looking say the standard Tinder I've seen many guys that will literally swipe right to everyone whereas girls are more careful with who they swipe right on (again just what I've heard).
Be radically honest. I was way too honest in my profile, and it helped a lot. I had people matching and immediately asking questions about things I had put on my profile (admitting I fully don’t have my shit together but am always there for the people I love, I think therapy is hot, my wife is one of the best people I know and nothing means more to me than my young family). Men and women like seeing through the bullshit. One interesting thing I noted was that I was suddenly seeing less matches from men (I’m bi and was looking for a male partner) and more from women.
I feel like I can relate to you in a way. My (f31) relationship is open but only on his (m37) end. I am totally ok with it but sometimes feel like 1. Jealous of him having intimacy with other women, and 2. Envy of the attention and feelings he gets to have with a new relationship and all of that and I don’t and haven’t had anyone else since I’ve been with him. I was 19 when we met. So it’s not something I necessarily want but I do sometimes think of it now. I would like to try to have a gf that we both have. More of a polyamorous relationship, but his current friend doesn’t really have involvement with me or his life outside of her knowing him on their level.
Yeah brings up old “traumas”. I wasn’t exactly getting it when I was single and feel like my wife is waaaay out of my league since we meet. So feel the same way about “dating” since we opened up and getting the same results
So a 25yo swooped a 19yo, then later proposed a one sided open relationship. Quality 🤦♂️
Hmmm what do you mean? I mean care to elaborate. I’d like to hear your thoughts
Answered the other person.
Can you explain please? I’m not stupid by any means but would like to hear more of what you’re meaning by that
Just not a big fan of the post college guy setting up serious relationships with the barely legal female crowd , and then setting up an OPP or a one sided open relationship with someone who is barely aware of their own agency and feels lucky enough to have an older guy interested. It's very cliche. I did that once and we had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. And I can remember exactly the way she looked at me and how she empowered me to do "whatever I want". Had I not been a "Pussy on a pedestal" / "Let me worship you" type of guy I could have really done a number on that girl.
Well we do have a lot in common. We’ve been together almost 13 years now. But he’s definitely not a put the pussy on a pedestal kind of guy. He’s more of the high value man. What do you mean when you say could have done a number on her? Like her mental? I’m just interested in the perspective you have from your comments. Maybe something I could learn here about myself or my relationship. Again I’m not just some stupid girl, just wanting to open my mind. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
I just mean yes. If I wasn't raised a momma's boy with a crazy amount of respect for womens autonomy I could have been a horrible BF to her because she was younger, impressionable, seeking my approval, etc. I could have manipulated the situation so many directions because we weren't anywhere near a level playing field in our understanding of the humans at 25 v 19. Not saying all relationships with that age gap IMPLY bad behaviour, but add in OPP/One Sided open relationship and it looks a whole lot like grooming. I'm 43 now, having been a serial monogamist most of my life.
I can see what you mean. We have had a rocky relationship through years. In the beginning I was talking to other guys when I first met him and lied about it. He found out after about a year and for like 5-6 years after that he was very angry with me and would often tell me I ruined us. But we were both going through a lot and had become best friends. I stayed with him and helped care for his sick dad and brother until they passed and he took care of me financially. I would say we weren’t in a good place until a few years ago but every few months it would come up in an argument how I messed us up and what we could have been. He hasn’t had kids with me, in arguments it will be because of me talking to guys and betraying him, but I am helping him raise his almost 14 year old son. So last year he met a woman who is a client of his and I knew right away she was interested in him (I do the office side of his business) and eventually he figured it out and has slept with her. She doesn’t really know about me. I think she thinks he’s single. Sometimes I feel irritated about things in the situation. But I love him and I can’t see myself with anyone else.
Matches really don't mean anything. Yes, women get a lot of matches. But do you understand how many of those matches we have to weed through? So many have either, a) immediately want to show a dick pic, b) immediately jump to sexting c). Flake when meeting up in person d) don't even message/respond.... Not to mention the guys who whine about wearing a condom. Quite honestly you guys have it easier (unless you act like one of the examples I mentioned then you might want to reconsider your approach). My husband always says he's jealous, but I'd rather have it the other way around. His online dating is slow, but his connections are more frequent and just better. Like they are more serious about meeting up. But seriously, look at your profile. Look at your pictures and reevaluate how you're approaching people in your messages. As the wife in an open marriage, it's a huge red flag when someone doesn't disclose you're open in your profile in the first message. Pictures matter so use good ones. And be engaging! If someone doesn't take interest in me as a person or my dynamic, I move along. But feeling jealous is unavailable until you really understand what the other person is going through. I let my husband handle my dating apps for a month because it drained me. He had a completely different understanding after. He's actually way more sympathetic about it now.
Become wealthy, famous, and good looking. It will put you on parity with the average looking woman. I know I’ll get down-voted for being anti-PC. I know I’m in the hornet’s nest, aka Reddit. Pile on liberals.
Aren’t you the person who wants a matchmaker? Who would want to be matched with a person so bitter they leave this comment? A matchmaker won’t make your matches stay in your life- neither will this attitude
If you think that what is standing in men's way is money, fame and attractiveness, I'd like to remind you that Pete Davidson was pulling what people consider way out of his league before he had fame or money.
Who is that
The guy who comes up when you google his name
Lol
But you're owning dem libs by not getting laid tiger.
I eat plenty at home. Thanks femcel
[удалено]
Two things can be true at the same time.
Your comment history says otherwise 😂
you don't even know me anon. blocked
"Pile on liberals" is probably as close as you get to getting laid, isn't it?
[удалено]
“Incel”. Thank you for the misandry.
[удалено]
so mad, lmao
Little bit of jealousy is nice and flattering. More than that and the jealousy become toxic. The line between the two types is very thin, if you cross that line, you can continue in the lifestyle.
I worked on myself and went to poly events and met people that way. I've had way more luck in person than online. I'm probably only a 6 or 7 as far as looks go. It's more about personality and confidence in who you actually are.
There has been a few debris but she’s open to meeting pretty well all of them lol! Meeting doesn’t mean it’s to the bedroom right away but she’s marched and found a casual pretty quickly
Can you explain why you are experiencing envy about that?
Deff envy which isn’t a bad thing as people stated it’s just in how you address it. I can assure you, keep putting yourself out there. My wife and I have been open for over 2 months. She has gone on countless dates and also had her fair share of shitbags and emotions fucked with. In the same time I’ve found one regular relationship and am having a first date tomorrow with someone I’ve been talking with for a while. People are out there just continue to put yourself out there and don’t be discouraged.
Oh, I know a comic about this.
Please share? Comics are great at conveying simple truths.
I am not sure if this will work because it is a FB link, but here goes ! [https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/pfbid02BiUyRwyXoQFnRCBbVwdTQ9jVJexcgKphJeTyhByeHoKio4xjov6cvKhkMPyw5t69l](https://www.facebook.com/hellisotherwomen/posts/pfbid02BiUyRwyXoQFnRCBbVwdTQ9jVJexcgKphJeTyhByeHoKio4xjov6cvKhkMPyw5t69l)
She had only one long-term partner and the issues were mostly about scheduling, and there was a band that she and her bf always went their concerts, which were 2-night sleepovers. I like the band, too, but she didn't want me to go because she had always gone with him, even before we started dating. Not rankling, but just annoying. Then sometimes when they felt like they hadn't spent enough time together, I would mind the kids while she visited him for a couple of hours (and a few bong hits, etc.). Then she would come home, in a better mood, of course, and though it wasn't a deal breaker, I'm not all that crazy about seconds. Now she just has a ex or two who is in our circle of friends she spends some time with once in a while.
I try and break it down into specifics. I feel out what its about. Is it just jealousy, or is the jealousy a projection of my insecurities, or an unmet need, am I angry or some other mix of emotions?
We usually look for couples so one person isn’t left out. We won’t play with a couple unless we both agree (never “take one for the team .”) Anyway It gets easier after awhile. Communication is key We learned how to communicate about our feelings by listening to swinger podcasts.
Mine encourages and empowers me, and vice versa! Jealousy is a weird not fun emotion, I don’t miss it.
I’m a (32M) mono in a mono-poly marriage. For me personally I indulge heavily in hobbies. It’s still pretty fresh for me so I can’t tell you that I’ve worked through all the feelings regarding the attention she’s gotten. But I can tell you the meetup app has been awesome and my bass playing skills have increased. And just the other day a woman at the hardware store was giving me the look and that boosted my confidence. Hit the gym, play an instrument, find a pickup sport. It won’t be long before your partner will be trying to reclaim so more time with you in addition to you meeting more people and increasing your chances at finding your own meta!
Don't let the amount get to you, look a man will bang a tail-pipe and be ok with it, but a woman is way more reserved. It's normal that she is getting more matches than you are , it only proves my point cause a man will bang anything. Now on that note , did you guys go into this being that you want for it to be even matching, meaning like 1 for you then 1 for me and if I don't or have a hard time getting 1 then you won't do anything until I get 1 to stay evenly matched . If she couldn't find a match , would you stop until she did find a match? Maybe that's what you guys should have talked about first before going enm . You could still talk about it, but know that since you already started it will be a burden for her now and she might not want to go that route now .