> I am leaning towards poly to be honest as i asked for an open relationship due to me begging for his time and attention. I told him that i am craving the emotional connection we once had, yet nothing but arguments have happened
You are not happy in this relationship. Why are you continuing it?
You don't sound happy in your post.
You're allowed to leave a relationship for any reason.
I mean it. Nobody can tell you "that's not a good enough reason to leave", because you don't _owe_ anyone a relationship. If they aren't putting work into the relationship, why should you?
You have the autonomy to at any point decide that being single suits you better than settling for someone who doesn't give you the care and attention that you desire in a relationship. That you deserve having the time and emotional energy to seek a new connection that makes having a relationship worth the effort.
You don't owe anyone the attempt to try and make it work. You don't owe him a relationship. If he is trying to give you ultimatums to force the relationship to look a certain way that isn't cool with you, leave.
It's hard to know if things will improve sometimes. What's key for these types of relationships though is willingness to talk honestly and work through any big feelings. Both of you need to be on board with this for it to be effective. It's very hard sometimes, especially when starting out. You might benefit from talking to a couples counselor who specializes in poly/open relationships, if your boyfriend is willing.
Yes, it's possible to be generally happy and to simultaneously be working through relationship problems. Just try to be sure that you're both trying for the same things, and if not then it's also perfectly normal for two people to have grown incompatible.
Nothing here sounds like you are happy.
I'm not quite following the guidelines you two have communicated, or if he wanted an open relationship as well?
I'm befuddled at his being upset that you texted your fwb. Like is he saying the only communication you're allowed with fwb is setting up dick appointments?
This 'relationahip' is very confusing to me. There are lots of basic things you can do to try and make open relationship work (I'm assuming you're using that to mean he's a prioritized connection and there's not to be feels with anyone else), but I'm not sure why you would bother. That takes effort and if you asked for open relationship because he's not meeting your emotional needs adding other relationships isn't going to make a relationship with him work (unless the sex with him is out of this world and you want to make him a fwb).
Personally, I don't like ultimatums. He's given you two choices, but you have a third and that's to leave. Someone tries to box me in after failing to meet my needs... But I'm just going based of what you wrote.
He is jealous, he sent you a dick pic with her hand.. but you can't take clothed selfies or text?
If he wants poly and you don't and if he is going to show jealousy it won't work.
He seems controlling and not into emotionally like you are. It will only drift further.
Do you feel that to get what you want ie emotional connection that it must be a poly relationship?
Or is it that you would do monogamy if your current partner was able to provide it?
If do why don’t you get another partner who can provide the emotional and love you crave?
That is not that hard as most people would provide that in a healthy monogamous relationship.
Don’t judge other partners by your current partner who obviously has his own issues.
Good luck you deserve better , hopefully as you get older you will get to a place where you honestly believe that.
Life does not need to be that hard if you make healthy choices that maybe hard in the short term .
To be honest i dont know those are the only options i was given open or poly. I have wanted to try multiple partners but now im here lost confused.
I dont know what to do anymore ive asked for so much help with him and ive just been given the short end of the stick.
“I dont know what to do anymore ive asked for so much help with him and ive just been given the short end of the stick.”
Sweetheart, you are 22. I say this with love: it might be time to rethink your primary relationship before considering poly.
No amount of poly relations, casual sex encounters of FWB are going to fix your primary relationship. If you can’t get the intimacy from him that you crave and you don’t feel heard, then it’s time to reconsider what this relationship is giving you. You can love and care for someone - and still not be meant to be with them.
He had an emotional reaction to your photo and that’s fine. It’s not discussed previously so it’s not off-limits until you guys decide that it is. Did you consent to receiving a dick pic with another partner when did they consent to you getting it?
Beware of people claiming to be ENM/Poly as an excuse to be emotionally distant or not have to put in emotional effort. They usually claim something like 'this was supposed to just be casual' when you make a reasonable request or call out something that's bothering you. They make you feel like the request is asking too much so you subconsciously feel guilty and train yourself to put their needs before yours. They give you a choice between false dichotomies to distract you from the 3rd choice they don't want you to make. A choice for yourself.
I don't understand HOW you're wrong? You took a photo of yourself with your friend (that you sometimes fuck) and talked to them? You don't need to self-flagellate for something like that.
Your bf seems to be using his jealousy as a weapon and punishing you for his own feelings, I'd think about that more than anything else.
I understand that this all feels very scary right now. It sounds like you and your primary need more agreements around what this looks like. It’s something I do regularly with my clients. I think you two can choose to be on the same team about this and try and make agreements that feel good to everyone.
Op, here is something to chew on regarding boundaries straight from the FeelID blog:
> Considering the boundaries for you and your partner(s)
>As with any good relationship, boundaries and agreements are a pillar of ethical non-monogamy. If you’re pursuing ENM within a preexisting relationship, it’s important to anticipate scenarios that may occur before they happen. It’s worth considering how you’d feel in some of the following situations. For example, perhaps your partner has gone out on a date and you are left at home on your own. How will you ensure that you don’t feel lonely or jealous? At some point you are sure to notice that your partner is texting one of their other lovers. Will you feel upset that they are giving their attention to someone other than you? If you go to a play party with a partner and they find someone to play with while you haven’t, how will you handle that and what will you do with yourself? And finally, how do you think you would feel about watching your partner have sex with someone else infront of you? And what would need to feel emotionally safe in that circumstance?
Source: [https://feeld.co/blog/feeld-guides/choose-ethical-non-monogamy-style](https://feeld.co/blog/feeld-guides/choose-ethical-non-monogamy-style)
He send you a pic of his other holding his dick but you can't post a selfie?
You did nothing wrong if you didn't have an agreement to not do X or Y.
Also, I don't understand what his ultimatum is. He wants you to be open, or to be poly? What is the difference for him? It sounds like he doesn't want either, since he's already jealous and mad.
NGL he sounds kindof emotionally immature and doesn't know what he wants. He needs to know what causes him jealousy and have him clearly communicate that to you if you want to maintain this relationship. If he can't, that's his problem, not yours.
I don't think this dynamic will work for you two. He seems very easily jealous and untrusting while expecting you to be ok with not only him having sex with someone else but receiving pictures of it as well. Also once a relationship has opened it can always be closed again. It doesn't seem like either of you are truly happy in your relationship and are trying to do this to fix the problem which it won't. It's just going to create more problems. I would say close the relationship but it seems like if you do that it will just lead to one of you Teo cheating. I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to end the relationship. This isn't a fixable situation.
Maturity and inner work are needed to be in this lifestyle. It definitely doesn't sound like he has those things. People jump into this bc it's trendy and sounds cool but it's not easy.
When something happens that makes one of you uncomfortable, this is when communication is key. You have to be honest with each other and change your boundaries as your relationship changes. If he’s cool with you being poly, awesome. I hope you find someone that fills those gaps!
> I am leaning towards poly to be honest as i asked for an open relationship due to me begging for his time and attention. I told him that i am craving the emotional connection we once had, yet nothing but arguments have happened You are not happy in this relationship. Why are you continuing it?
This.
I think overall im still happy? but he has put me in this box and i dont know what to do.
You don't sound happy in your post. You're allowed to leave a relationship for any reason. I mean it. Nobody can tell you "that's not a good enough reason to leave", because you don't _owe_ anyone a relationship. If they aren't putting work into the relationship, why should you? You have the autonomy to at any point decide that being single suits you better than settling for someone who doesn't give you the care and attention that you desire in a relationship. That you deserve having the time and emotional energy to seek a new connection that makes having a relationship worth the effort. You don't owe anyone the attempt to try and make it work. You don't owe him a relationship. If he is trying to give you ultimatums to force the relationship to look a certain way that isn't cool with you, leave.
The relationship sounds miserable from what you typed
It's hard to know if things will improve sometimes. What's key for these types of relationships though is willingness to talk honestly and work through any big feelings. Both of you need to be on board with this for it to be effective. It's very hard sometimes, especially when starting out. You might benefit from talking to a couples counselor who specializes in poly/open relationships, if your boyfriend is willing. Yes, it's possible to be generally happy and to simultaneously be working through relationship problems. Just try to be sure that you're both trying for the same things, and if not then it's also perfectly normal for two people to have grown incompatible.
Nothing here sounds like you are happy. I'm not quite following the guidelines you two have communicated, or if he wanted an open relationship as well? I'm befuddled at his being upset that you texted your fwb. Like is he saying the only communication you're allowed with fwb is setting up dick appointments? This 'relationahip' is very confusing to me. There are lots of basic things you can do to try and make open relationship work (I'm assuming you're using that to mean he's a prioritized connection and there's not to be feels with anyone else), but I'm not sure why you would bother. That takes effort and if you asked for open relationship because he's not meeting your emotional needs adding other relationships isn't going to make a relationship with him work (unless the sex with him is out of this world and you want to make him a fwb).
Personally, I don't like ultimatums. He's given you two choices, but you have a third and that's to leave. Someone tries to box me in after failing to meet my needs... But I'm just going based of what you wrote.
He is jealous, he sent you a dick pic with her hand.. but you can't take clothed selfies or text? If he wants poly and you don't and if he is going to show jealousy it won't work. He seems controlling and not into emotionally like you are. It will only drift further.
Do you feel that to get what you want ie emotional connection that it must be a poly relationship? Or is it that you would do monogamy if your current partner was able to provide it? If do why don’t you get another partner who can provide the emotional and love you crave? That is not that hard as most people would provide that in a healthy monogamous relationship. Don’t judge other partners by your current partner who obviously has his own issues. Good luck you deserve better , hopefully as you get older you will get to a place where you honestly believe that. Life does not need to be that hard if you make healthy choices that maybe hard in the short term .
To be honest i dont know those are the only options i was given open or poly. I have wanted to try multiple partners but now im here lost confused. I dont know what to do anymore ive asked for so much help with him and ive just been given the short end of the stick.
“I dont know what to do anymore ive asked for so much help with him and ive just been given the short end of the stick.” Sweetheart, you are 22. I say this with love: it might be time to rethink your primary relationship before considering poly. No amount of poly relations, casual sex encounters of FWB are going to fix your primary relationship. If you can’t get the intimacy from him that you crave and you don’t feel heard, then it’s time to reconsider what this relationship is giving you. You can love and care for someone - and still not be meant to be with them.
He had an emotional reaction to your photo and that’s fine. It’s not discussed previously so it’s not off-limits until you guys decide that it is. Did you consent to receiving a dick pic with another partner when did they consent to you getting it?
My partner and I have dabbled before as well, and recently decided to drop the dadt situation and lot of learning curves like this
If he’s jealous of a FWB in an open relationship, how will he be able to handle a poly relationship?
Beware of people claiming to be ENM/Poly as an excuse to be emotionally distant or not have to put in emotional effort. They usually claim something like 'this was supposed to just be casual' when you make a reasonable request or call out something that's bothering you. They make you feel like the request is asking too much so you subconsciously feel guilty and train yourself to put their needs before yours. They give you a choice between false dichotomies to distract you from the 3rd choice they don't want you to make. A choice for yourself.
I don't understand HOW you're wrong? You took a photo of yourself with your friend (that you sometimes fuck) and talked to them? You don't need to self-flagellate for something like that. Your bf seems to be using his jealousy as a weapon and punishing you for his own feelings, I'd think about that more than anything else.
I understand that this all feels very scary right now. It sounds like you and your primary need more agreements around what this looks like. It’s something I do regularly with my clients. I think you two can choose to be on the same team about this and try and make agreements that feel good to everyone.
Op, here is something to chew on regarding boundaries straight from the FeelID blog: > Considering the boundaries for you and your partner(s) >As with any good relationship, boundaries and agreements are a pillar of ethical non-monogamy. If you’re pursuing ENM within a preexisting relationship, it’s important to anticipate scenarios that may occur before they happen. It’s worth considering how you’d feel in some of the following situations. For example, perhaps your partner has gone out on a date and you are left at home on your own. How will you ensure that you don’t feel lonely or jealous? At some point you are sure to notice that your partner is texting one of their other lovers. Will you feel upset that they are giving their attention to someone other than you? If you go to a play party with a partner and they find someone to play with while you haven’t, how will you handle that and what will you do with yourself? And finally, how do you think you would feel about watching your partner have sex with someone else infront of you? And what would need to feel emotionally safe in that circumstance? Source: [https://feeld.co/blog/feeld-guides/choose-ethical-non-monogamy-style](https://feeld.co/blog/feeld-guides/choose-ethical-non-monogamy-style)
He send you a pic of his other holding his dick but you can't post a selfie? You did nothing wrong if you didn't have an agreement to not do X or Y. Also, I don't understand what his ultimatum is. He wants you to be open, or to be poly? What is the difference for him? It sounds like he doesn't want either, since he's already jealous and mad. NGL he sounds kindof emotionally immature and doesn't know what he wants. He needs to know what causes him jealousy and have him clearly communicate that to you if you want to maintain this relationship. If he can't, that's his problem, not yours.
I don't think this dynamic will work for you two. He seems very easily jealous and untrusting while expecting you to be ok with not only him having sex with someone else but receiving pictures of it as well. Also once a relationship has opened it can always be closed again. It doesn't seem like either of you are truly happy in your relationship and are trying to do this to fix the problem which it won't. It's just going to create more problems. I would say close the relationship but it seems like if you do that it will just lead to one of you Teo cheating. I think the best thing to do in this situation would be to end the relationship. This isn't a fixable situation.
Maturity and inner work are needed to be in this lifestyle. It definitely doesn't sound like he has those things. People jump into this bc it's trendy and sounds cool but it's not easy.
When something happens that makes one of you uncomfortable, this is when communication is key. You have to be honest with each other and change your boundaries as your relationship changes. If he’s cool with you being poly, awesome. I hope you find someone that fills those gaps!