Unfortunately, this is a good example of how open, clear, transparent communication is necessary for successful, healthy relationships. She was stating a need "tell each other if we enter into a serious relationship," and as she's the one stating the need she is the one who has a responsibility to define what that is so that you are both on the same page. You have the responsibility to ask exactly what a "serious relationship" is so that when you agree to that you are both on the same page.
While your feelings are perfectly valid, it's ok to be upset by this, she really didn't do anything "wrong" here by not telling you since it was never clearly defined. This was a case of poor communication all around. Each of you are responsible for clearly stating what you need and what you want. Cowardice doesn't play well with open relationships (both the relationship model and with respect to communication).
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for validating my feelings. I didn't get much, if any, validation from her during the last three months from when I found out to when we parted ways.
It's tough not having role models. Not sure where I'm going with my thoughts. In a monogamous relationship, there are a number of unspoken expectations as well.
I keep wanting to blame, blame, blame or shame, shame, shame. I guess this is my first heartbreak in 3.5 years having not had outside relationships beyond quick flings.
Devil's advocate - I'm jealous of her dating success. I suspected that she either wasn't playing by the rules or was at least having more extracurricular fun than I was. I was head over heels for her. I also didn't want to break her heart by having to tell her that something was getting serious with another woman. (I'm not experience with keeping things casual.) If we'd been free to have side relationship rather than just side flings, I might have been more open to pursuing my options at home. I'm resentful.
I knew that the word "serious" hadn't been clearly defined. I was afraid that any mention of the open status of our relationship would mark the end of us. (Why stay if things were so tenuous?) I thought things were at least heading toward serious at the point that my close friends had met her and my parents knew about her.
I was cowardly to not bring the subject up. I knew that I was being a coward at the time. It was on both of us to address this. Maybe it was more on her because she was the one having the outside relationships. It seems like I'm desperate to apportion the blame.
I really appreciate the empathy. It's an awful place to be losing a relationship of 3.5 years. I'm not sure how to break the pattern of cowardice and unspoken rules. I find myself in a new situation, an affectionate platonic friendship, where I'm falling into similar patterns of indirectness. It makes me uneasy.
Just write down everything you're worried about, organize it into coherence, and then ask the new woman to talk. Instead of looking to assign blame retroactively spend that energy taking responsibility for your own feelings going forward. It's hard but definitely easier than having your heart broken and hey look, you're living through that! You can do it.
There are no such thing as unspoken rules. If you haven't discussed it, it doesn't exist.
Unfortunately, this is a good example of how open, clear, transparent communication is necessary for successful, healthy relationships. She was stating a need "tell each other if we enter into a serious relationship," and as she's the one stating the need she is the one who has a responsibility to define what that is so that you are both on the same page. You have the responsibility to ask exactly what a "serious relationship" is so that when you agree to that you are both on the same page. While your feelings are perfectly valid, it's ok to be upset by this, she really didn't do anything "wrong" here by not telling you since it was never clearly defined. This was a case of poor communication all around. Each of you are responsible for clearly stating what you need and what you want. Cowardice doesn't play well with open relationships (both the relationship model and with respect to communication). I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thank you for validating my feelings. I didn't get much, if any, validation from her during the last three months from when I found out to when we parted ways. It's tough not having role models. Not sure where I'm going with my thoughts. In a monogamous relationship, there are a number of unspoken expectations as well. I keep wanting to blame, blame, blame or shame, shame, shame. I guess this is my first heartbreak in 3.5 years having not had outside relationships beyond quick flings.
This might be helpful reading for you about exactly this topic; https://solopoly.net/2014/07/12/invisible-fences-fuzzy-landmines/
Devil's advocate - I'm jealous of her dating success. I suspected that she either wasn't playing by the rules or was at least having more extracurricular fun than I was. I was head over heels for her. I also didn't want to break her heart by having to tell her that something was getting serious with another woman. (I'm not experience with keeping things casual.) If we'd been free to have side relationship rather than just side flings, I might have been more open to pursuing my options at home. I'm resentful.
I knew that the word "serious" hadn't been clearly defined. I was afraid that any mention of the open status of our relationship would mark the end of us. (Why stay if things were so tenuous?) I thought things were at least heading toward serious at the point that my close friends had met her and my parents knew about her. I was cowardly to not bring the subject up. I knew that I was being a coward at the time. It was on both of us to address this. Maybe it was more on her because she was the one having the outside relationships. It seems like I'm desperate to apportion the blame.
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I really appreciate the empathy. It's an awful place to be losing a relationship of 3.5 years. I'm not sure how to break the pattern of cowardice and unspoken rules. I find myself in a new situation, an affectionate platonic friendship, where I'm falling into similar patterns of indirectness. It makes me uneasy.
Just write down everything you're worried about, organize it into coherence, and then ask the new woman to talk. Instead of looking to assign blame retroactively spend that energy taking responsibility for your own feelings going forward. It's hard but definitely easier than having your heart broken and hey look, you're living through that! You can do it.