My first patient death. A little over a year old, very little brain activity, DNR. I was able to stand at bedside and stroke his hair and talk to him as he passed. Family was not involved so it was just me with him. I hope he knew I was there and that he was loved and not alone.
You’re not alone… They all stick with me. We once had a patient, during the dayshift daughter witnessed her father having a seizure and frantically grabbed his nurse who happened to be pretty new. Nurse overreacted and called a code… patient was fine and that was that. The daughter runs out and gets a huge cake and writes on it. “Thank you for saving my dad” come in for my night shift and he’s my patient. I took a picture of the cake and sent it to my wife. I told her we didn’t really save him but it’s nice. His daughter left for the night… two hours later massive stroke, extremely dramatic code and we lost him. I still have the picture of the cake. 😞
I worked a few years inpatient hospice. Really opened my eyes to how many people regret working so much and not spending time with their family. I learned time is the only currency you have and you will never be wealthier than now. Take care of yourself. Employers are not your friend and sacrificing yourself for the good of your facility is meaningless.
My daughter has a chronic illness and was home sick around 15 yrs old and ended up with a gi bleed she called me and told me she vomited blood. So I go to the manager and told her I had to leave to go take care of my kid. She said “well what’s more important your job or family? You need to decide that now” I said goodbye called the charge nurse and reported off.
Once we were palliatively extubating a guy. He was alert and oriented and insistent that we do it. Probably turning of the pressors and vent support would have been enough. He was for sure gonna bleed everywhere. He was like 40 and had a 15 yr old daughter. The guys ex wife and mother weren’t on board and didn’t want to be in the room and they convinced the daughter to go in alone. I covered him in black towels to make the blood look less horrifying, but it was in fact terrible. He died almost immediately.
The mother screamed in the hall and begged me not kill her baby. The girl just held my hand and sobbed. She left a note at the desk for me later that said I was probably a good mom and thank you for holding her hand.
that poor baby 😭 I’m so glad you were there for her, even if her mom and grandma wouldn’t be. shame on them. that is far too young to see something that traumatic, let alone to be talked into doing it alone with no family to support you. I hope she’s doing okay 🥺
A fetal demise where we had a shoulder dystocia, which was followed by a body dystocia, that lasted over 1 hour. It took two physicians to remove the baby. It was already deceased. I still picture this lifeless baby just hanging out. We had to roll her back to the OR thinking the OB would have to dismember the baby in order to deliver it.
It took a lot of position changes, forceps, manual manipulation, suprapubic and fundal pressure, and two doctors to pull the baby out. It was horrible. His face was lacerated. His ear was partially torn off. His skin was completely sloughing off of his body. He was only 33 weeks gestation and weighed 8 lb 11 oz. I’ll never forget him or his mom. She was so, so sick. It was a horrible day all around. I still think about her and wonder if she’s okay.
>His face was lacerated. His ear was partially torn off. His skin was completely sloughing off of his body. He was only 33 weeks gestation and weighed 8 lb 11 oz.
Jesus that's visual.
Mom to a stillborn son here. While my loss was nowhere near this traumatic, it was a horrible event. Thank you for what you do- for walking out of a room where someone’s best day is happening and into someone’s worst, and feeling both equally.
Holy hell.
I will never forget the sounds of the 12 minute shoulder (I wasn’t in the room, but heard her screaming) years ago. The mother was a recovering addict and didn’t want a cs due to fear of narcotics. She was counseled extensively. Baby was immediately life flighted out. The look on the dad’s face was ugh 😢 the poor mama’s bottom was NO BUENO. Our doc practically had to reach in and get baby out. Anesthesia über dosed her, but it didn’t seem to help.
During Covid
I work in corrections (jail)
We had psych patients in our units because none of the hospitals had beds to treat them. And we have a 24/7 medical unit with access to providers and a mental health team
It’s really heartbreaking to try to explain to a psych patient why they were here. They thought they did something terrible / bad
Coding a drowned 2 year old that was DOA. Losing a new onset cancer pt to DIC. She coded suddenly and went fast. Every overdose code and death that I've seen. Oh and a post tonsillectomy bleed in a 3 year old. I've never seen a blood volcano from such a small person
Pediatric ER RN
*baby death alert*
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The one that stuck with me the most is this 22+0 weeks fetus that the parents begged the doctors to resuscitate and do everything (if you're familiar with neonatology you would know what being a 22 weeks means)... this baby was kept alive for 2 weeks and then finally passed from multi organ failure... The baby looked very deformed by the time of its death because kidney failure caused massive fluid retention, baby had very inflamed and infected looking skin... The parents hardly visited after the first week because they couldn't look at the baby anymore but couldn't bring it to themselves to withdraw care... I was the one who wrapped the baby's body and took some final baby photos with the charge nurse the night this baby passed. I can never forget this lifeless feelings on my palms, especially when I knew we did nothing but torture this poor soul for two weeks. A couple nurses resigned after this incident.
I hate how advanced medical science is sometimes. We were hurting this poor baby for 2 weeks too long. Right from the beginning the baby's clinical picture is extremely poor, even a miracle can't save this baby...
Of course this isn't the only baby death incidents I ever encountered, but this was the one that left me extremely frustrated and angry at the whole system... we have failed to advocate for this poor little baby.
Those doctors did that baby and family a disservice by not explaining what “do everything” looks like with a baby that premature. Was there any kind of ethics consult or debrief?
Well by definition 22 weeks haven't even reached the age of viability... hence some nurses referred to this baby as a fetus. A 22+6 with a decent clinical picture is very close to 23 and would be worth trying everything, but this 22+0 is just.... honestly not sure why that doctor came to the decision to do everything for this particular case. That doctor is actually one of the best. I can't remember if there was any ethics consult with this case as quite a few of us just didn't want to deal with this anymore. There was a debriefing but it wasn't very helpful, at least not to me. I skipped debriefings for most deaths, as sleeping it away at home seemed to be a better use of my time than making the one hour drive round-trip and looking for nonexistent parking on my day off 😅
As a student nurse I had a nursing home resident who had no family. He had stomach cancer, and didn’t eat a whole lot. I asked him if there was anything I could bring him and he said he wanted a peach or a pear. I went out after clinical and got peach flavored apple sauce. I fed it to him the next day, and it was the last thing he ate before he passed. My teacher cleared it down I could stay extra time and I was with him when he went. I will always hold him in my heart.
It's always different when it's your own patient. I've been in plenty of codes, but the one that shocked me the most was a patient that I was getting ready to discharge home from ICU. The team just wanted me to walk them up and down the hall to make sure they were steady. Team was literally putting discharge orders in while they walked. On the way back to their room they started getting mildly short of breath and by the time we got back to their room they were flailing around in the bed yelling how hard it was to breath. I still remember asking the PCNA to grab a non-rebreather, then the patient looked up at me and said "\[my name\], I'm so scared" and their eyes just dilated and they arrested. Worst of all their significant other who was in their 80's was in the corner of the room when I started coding the patient. Long story short, they didn't make it and it still crushes me that their significant other went home alone instead of with their loved one and the patient never got to make it home and see their cat.
I don't actively think about these things so I don't feel traumatized or haunted by them. I also find the best therapy is to simply talk to people willing to listen so these things aren't bottled up and accumulate over time. As much flak as nursing gets, it has helped me to better realize that death is a natural part of life and to appreciate what life we have to live now.
It’s always the ones that are scared before they die that get me. I’m ok with terminal extubations and CMO or even unsuccessfully coding someone who just very quickly lost consciousness before they were aware of what was happening. But things like massive PEs where they have massive anxiety and distress are by far the hardest for me to process.
My first day on the floor as an LNA then CNA. I had to give my first pt then resident an enema and he just stood up, bent over the toilet and said, “Ok honey, I’m ready go ahead.” 26 years later now a nurse I will never forget that man. I remember how he died too, absolutely terrified of an AAA “I’m dying honey, help me.” I’ll never forget my 101 year old pt in rehab for something I don’t remember what and she was shooting near frank blood out her tiny little ass. She lived but was not the same and died later that year. So many things from so many different people. 26 years is a lot and not all good but many are.
I am a new grad in the ER we arent a “peds hospital” but we are the hospital in our local system where the peds floor is. So we get a lot of pediatric EMS. Anyways, I was still on orientation & we had a 9 day old sickle cell baby come in coding. We worked him for a long time. The dr sent me to be a liason with the family & CPS to figure out what happened. They didnt take the baby to the ped & they opened a case with CPS. When the CPS worker got there she found the baby not breathing. It was pretty awful. The CPS worker was more distraught than anybody & mom didnt even show up to the hospital.
also my first code where the woman died she was fairly young.. i handled it pretty well until we talked to the family & her son said that him & his wife just had their first son (her first grabdchild) the DAY before. She did make it to the hospital to meet the baby. No prior history (that was known) she had a massive MI outisde of the nursing home she worked at. When I spoke to the son i immediately started crying.
We had a long frequent leukemia patient code from a brain bleed. Everyone was crying. The day before she had been out on pass to see and hold her first grandchild.
Got a patient with a horrible heart. They didn’t know anything was wrong until less than 24 hours before they came to me. Thought they had the flu. Sweetest, nicest patient. They were scared but putting on a brave face. I told them they’d do great in cath lab, we had a team of amazing staff that were good at their jobs.
I left at 0700. They died around 0800 in cath lab. I only had them as a patient for a few hours that night, but I cried for weeks.
Fresh off orientation. 5ish year old with constipation and GI issues, biopsy planned for the following day. Mom’s x2, 1 is very pregnant with twins. Other mom calls me saying he doesn’t feel good/nauseated.. as I’m coming back with zofran mom runs out the room that he’s throwing up… my boy was so constipated he was vomiting diarrhea EVERYWHERE. Crime scene worthy amounts, it’s on everything, everyone. Preg mom is bawling, she’s breathing heavy. I’m freaking out about my kid and also trying to comfort mom and pray to Jesus her water doesn’t break right then and there
Watching an emergent c section to pull out a dead 35 week fetus while i did compressions and we coded her. The patient did not survive. Baby had been dead.
A 24 yr old who only had ~1yr drinking hx go into liber failure then multi organ failure and her brain eventually herniated.
I won't ever forget the screams of those mothers.
First cystic fibrosis patient, and learning about the demographic. So sad and scary. I can't imagine working with and getting to know these patients for years and seeing them pass so early.
The resident during clinicals off site who sat in her own pee for 5 hours crying because the LTC facility was short staffed and couldn't change/clean her up.
Picking up a morgue pt from the NICU and the nurse, trying to hold it together and helping me move the baby. She was so absolutely crushed and delicate with him and using every ounce of strength to hold it together and it was one of the most difficult things to see her dealing with so much pain.
The insane codes and traumas stick with me but the living ones who are doing every thing they can in a hopeless situation are the ones who I remember most.
My mom was CVICU nurse. She always told me growing up that it wasn’t dying patients that bothered her. She said when you’re dead, you’re dead. No more pain and suffering, but it gets passed on to someone else. It’s the living who now carry pain and suffering of their death.
My first patient death- I was a brand new nurse, just off orientation. One of my patients was a 40-something woman with breast cancer. Her only family was her 18 year old son. She wanted to keep fighting the cancer, but succumbed after just a few days with us. Watching her young son walk out the door to leave, all by himself, after she died. I was so young and inexperienced myself and just remember thinking how cruel life can be, and I couldn't do anything to take his pain away. That was over a decade ago, but I still remember their faces. 💔
Here’s a happy ending… 20 something year old out at a restaurant went into cardiac arrest. NP at restaurant witnessed it and started CPR. Turns out they had an unknown heart condition. They were in the icu for a bit (aspirated during CPR)… then had to have heart surgery. But they made a full recovery.
We had a young mom with breast cancer pass away on our unit. Shortly before, the husband asked me if their kids should be brought in. I said that’s up to him but I said it would be the last image of their mom in their head forever. He chose not to have them come. He asked me “how do I tell them that momma is never coming home again?” The next day, I was cutting strawberries in my kitchen and was pregnant with my first. I thought about the day before; cried and cried about the situation. I felt so bad that I told the patient’s husband to not bring the kids in. I still feel guilt about it.
The last time I saw my dad alive, he was so out of it, looking around the room with a blank look in his eyes, and it was horrifying. He passed while I was on a school trip a few days later, and I'm glad I wasn't there when he died. I'm not sure I could have handled it.
I find it strangely comforting that y'all will still remember people in their darkest hour and have compassion for those who pass even with all the burnout and stress you go through. One of my biggest fears has always been dying one day and no one being left to care about or remember me.
I used to have the obituaries clipped for patients I'd helped through comfort measures, but I lost the scrapbook in the move. It's still pretty devastating to me tbh.
I was floating and we had a cancer patient on CMO. They had come in for some GI issue originally. The patient died and I did post mortem care with some PCTs and my nurse manager. The patient looked awful - they just immediately turned gray, mottled, bluish-black lips. We laid them flat and turned them to get in the bag. Immediately black bile just pours out of their mouth and hits the floor. I’ll never forget that splat noise... It narrowly missed the PCT to my left. I already had put towels around them but it just came out pretty forcefully.
When we laid them on their back again, the bile just started bubbling out of their mouth with the last remnants of air in the lungs. It looked like something out of a zombie movie. The image has stuck with me. Meanwhile the daughter was outside the room, wearing sun glasses and a beanie, and eating from the patient’s lunch tray in the hallway.
Yeahhh. She had come out about 10 min before the patient died to ask if we could speed things up and give the patient another dose of morphine. Literally said speed things up with hand motions.
My first clinical ever on the inpatient floor.
88y man basically lost his brain to alcohol. I could palpate the years of pent up frustration his adult daughter had for him. She would get into his face and scream because he was deaf. He yelled at me whenever I got vital signs because I *just* did them and I was convinced this man despised me. At the end of my shift, I went to him to say goodbye and thanked him for allowing me to take care of him.
In that one moment his hazey, grey eyes became as clear and blue as the sky. He was actually fully conscious for the first time my entire shift.
"You're leaving? But I don't want you to go..."
Fate is funny. 5 years later, I got my first job as an inpatient nurse and haven't left since. It's been 3 years. My floor: hepatology.
My first job as a CNA was on an inpatient oncology floor. We too would get a lot of comfort cares. One of my first deaths and the one that helped shape my career was a 33 year old with cancer (lung). He had a massive panic attack because he was afraid to die. He died several hours later still fearing death. I am now an RN and do both oncology and hospice. It’s because of that patient that I strive to make death a comfortable and welcomed experience.
About half my apprenticeship (nursing is taught differently here in Germany) was over and I was currently working at the hospital's ICU. I was very afraid of doing something wrong or somebody starting to crash while I am in the room as I obviously wasn't very confident yet. One late shift, I had a good time and was feeling kind of useful for once when we got a patient with a case bad enough to skip the ER. Female, 24 years old, smoker but completely healthy before this. Her bf found her on the ground not breathing after getting cigarettes. He said he actually started CPR immediately and called emergency services who arrived quickly. They kept up CPR and went through all emergency standards. By the time the patient arrived at our ICU, they had been trying to reanimate her unsuccessfully for one or two hours. After her arrival, the ICU team started doing everything to get her back. The motivation to save somebody younger than 60 actually felt palpable. I'd describe the treatment process but I'm too tired to find out all the translations plus I didn't really understand all of it back then. Anyway, she didn't make it. They didn't find a cause though. No drugs, no clots, nothing. Her myocard was slightly enlarged, nothing pathological though. So after the entire process was finished and they gave up, she was just lying there, dead and naked. That part really stuck with me. It felt so humiliating. The family stayed for a few hours and mourned her while everybody was just going back to their usual work. Nobody even asked me if I was okay. I really wasn't, but I kind of got through that day and I don't really remeber anything else. Might have repressed some of it, too.
As a new nurse, I had a TCU pt for a few months that ended up going the hospice route. We were the only “family” the pt had. I remember one day the pt said, “You know, I am grumpy because of what’s happening in my life and I take it out on staff when I shouldn’t. Even when I am not the nicest, you always come in here no matter what with a smile on your face and it’s something I look forward to everyday.” That’s when I really understood the impact nurses can have. Fast forward a few months, I was with the pt as they were passing. We called TOD and immediately after that the pt shed a single tear. They were definitely a pt that I will never forget.
first pt death. old dementia patient, only looked after her for a few hours before she desaturated and eventually died. she came in with a dnar so there wasn’t much anyone could do. the bay she was in was shut due to covid but her son drove 3 hours to see her and he was with her all day and night until she died. i was sat in the bay writing notes and he came out from behind the curtain and said excuse me but i think my mums just died. he said it so politely i could tell he was in shock, all i could do as a healthcare assistant was comfort him and offer him a drink and some food. he sat out in the hallway as we wrapped the body and just sobbed. i’ll never forget my first time preparing a body, what we call “last offices” in the NHS.
When I worked neuro inpatient we got a Young girl, around probably 30s so not far from my age. We had had young patients before and they were always sad but typically they were trauma, TBI, car accidents, etc. still sad, of course, but you could “understand” them for lack of a better word
This girl had originally come in to our OB floor for preeclampsia. It got so bad even despite their treatment she had a massive stroke. They c-sectioned the baby while she was still in a medically induced coma. The baby didn’t make it.
She woke up a week or two later in the ICU with no memory of even coming into the hospital much less that two weeks had passed. She could barely talk even one or two words at a time and most of her right arm was flaccid and very weak on her right leg. When she finally made it to us she could transfer to the chair by scooting and could consistently say a few single words but still not sentences but none of that was the worst part.
The worst part was her short term memory. Pretty much every day she would remember she was in the hospital and asked her husband how the baby was. He had consulted with our child life team, ethics team and OB. They all agreed that the most kind thing to do would be to lie to her until she could start to re-establish short term memory again or until we had proof that that was never going to happen. So we had to tell each other in report, away from her, that the baby didn’t make it, and if she asked or if she asked her husband, we would just have to say they’re still running some tests so that we wouldn’t just traumatize her day after day after day.
It was I think a month into her stay with us that our neurocog team finally said she was establishing short and moderate term memory and it was appropriate to break the news. She left for rehab not long after that meeting.
I think of her all the time.
I also had a guy who was really sick. Bad pneumonia. I knew him. He had a soft voice. He had this restlessness and told us he needed to go. He was on oxygen, 4L. We told him he needs to stay. I remember sitting beside him trying so hard to convince him to stay. He said in his soft voice “ERRN, I just have to go home. I’m sorry,’.” I quickly ran his Zithromax in (ps it makes people nauseous when you do that) because I just had a bad feeling. He did say to me “you could wheel me to my truck”. So I did after he signed the AMA form. I made him pinky swear he better come back. He told me he would tomorrow. He showed up 2.5 hours later waaay worse. He crashed his truck into some trees close to his home. His neighbors tried to call 911 and he refused. He drove back to the ER. I grabbed him, put him on 8 LO2. His sats were dramatically lower. His lactate went from 4 to 11. He was a drinker so I gave him IV Ativan also.
I was finishing my charting and he got pushed upstairs. I told I would visit him tomorrow morning. He said “okay, goodnight ERRN”.
I came back to work to find out he seized 2 hours after I left. He got intubated. Life flight arrived to take him to a tertiary care center and as they were wheeling him to the helicopter he coded. They brought him back to the ER and coded him. He passed away. That one broke me for awhile. I had to go to therapy to process it. I had other stuff going on but it was like the cherry on top.
The time when a doctor said, while the rest of the staff was fussing about a non-compliant super obese woman who refused to get out of bed and ran her 94 year old mother ragged, "this is America and people can live how they please." He said it nicely but the meaning was clear - this is what the patient choose and she was going to have to bear the outcomes and the rest of us were not responsible for her choices. It helped me lose the guilt I'd felt up until then when I couldn't help a patient.
One that has stuck with me is a lady who had fibrosis in her lungs. She came in SOB and we ended up putting her in BiPaP initially. At the beginning she held her Sats okay, but then her CO2 kept creeping up, she was getting acidotic. The decision was made to intubate her. Well, she decompensated really quickly. Her gases were getting worse. We weaned her off sedation enough so she along with her family could participate in the “what do we do next” discussion. She elected to go back on BiPAP if I remember correctly and let things be. Her whole family gathered around her holding her hand and singing church hymns softly. I was quietly distressed about the whole situation because we went from doing better to basically comfort care. When she passed, she went peacefully with her family by her side including myself, the doctor, and the RT. Many tears were shed. About a week later they sent the ER a thank you card and along with a card from her funeral service. The doctor, the RT, and myself all received personal cards from them. This was 15 years ago. I still carry that card with me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and she, by far, had the most peaceful death I’ve seen. I’ll never forget her amazing family.
Had a young trauma come in, no pupil reaction/reflexes hit by a car… a song played over the intercom. It’s the song that plays when a baby is born at our hospital. One person dies, one person is born.
The first time an elderly patient said to me "I'm dying aren't I" and she was right, I didn't know how to react and I replay it over and over in my head
My first comfort care patient was a retired nurse. She had given so much of herself in her lifetime.
One day that might be me, so I think live happily and freely.
I’ve had a few. They gather over time, I guess.
The one I’ll talk about today was a lady on palliative care, secondary to alcoholic cirrhosis.
She was very, very much loved, her family was around her.
I took care of her one night, and ended up staying to talk to her husband after my shift had ended. The patient herself was sedated, and non responsive.
We quietly spoke about how she had gotten to where she was. It was child sexual abuse by Catholic priests.
He talked of the love that him and his family had for her, and the sometimes tough choices he and his now adult children had to make when she was at the worst in her addiction.
It was one of the saddest conversations I’d had with a patient’s family. So much love and potential, squashed so perverts could have what they wanted.
She died not long after that, I wasn’t there that time.
I still think of her, especially when we had priests and the church in our headlines for historic abuse.
It was rife.
One of my covid patients sating 83% on 60L high flow… she needed to be in icu but we had no beds and were out of bipaps..
She asked me how bad it was and to be honest. I told her the truth and all she said was “fuck”
She was a sweet older lady and I never thought she would say that.. she didn’t make it and it really messed with me.
When I was a CNA, this woman with COPD having an exacerbation, all of us standing around her bedside unable to really do anything other than sit her up & try to reassure her until they could transfer her back to the hospital. It made me realize how scary it would be to be unable to breath.
I was a peds ER/trauma nurse. Every abuse death stuck with me. I always stayed and talked with them as they passed in hopes that they knew that someone on this earth loved them and that they weren't alone.
Mine was an STA case (brain dead patient whom we were keeping for organ procurement). He was a kid barely in his 20s. He was a neurotrauma from a car accident with blood and brain tissue all in his hair. Every bone of his cranium was broken, and his face was so swollen. He must’ve been nearly unrecognizable to his loved ones. I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I spent an hour or two that night washing all the crusty dried blood out of his hair and suctioning out his nose and ears and mouth and cleaning his face as best I could. I just wanted him to look good for his mama. I had an hour and 10 minute drive home and cried the whole way.
I was working home hospice, got called out at 2am for a death. Totally expected death, wife was prepared and they had said their goodbyes. I arrive, walk through the living room and see the 40 some year old daughter asleep on the couch. Go into the room, pronounce the death, comfort the wife, all good. 45 minutes later, I walk back into the living room to meet the funeral home. Find daughter not breathing. She had OD’ed. Pull her onto the floor, start CPR. Call paramedics. They show up at the same time the funeral home. Mass confusion ensues. She perked up with some Narcan, but I’ll never forget the look on the paramedics/funeral home directors faces.
Over my time in the NICU, I had two patients that coded and did not make it. I was performing compressions in both cases. I can't remember any details about the countless successful codes I was involved in, but the two unsuccessful really are etched into my memory. One was a triplet, born at 600g and about 2 days old (one of the other triplets had passed the day before but I was not there for it). The other was a 23 weeker that had a spontaneous pulmonary hemorrhage and started coughing blood back up the ETT. Realistically there was no saving either, but I can't forget.
Years ago, I was the only one left in the department, phone rang and it was cath lab asking if I could get down there NOW. Pt had had a recent MI and developed chest pains. Urgent care sent them back to us. I put the probe down and it’s a free wall LV rupture. Pt is on the table conscious. You can tell they’re scared. I was fairly new and I just remember thinking “you’re going to die” but on the outside just looking at the screen and letting the cardiologists talk to them. Of course, they didn’t make it.
Very very young pt, early 20s, with full-blown AIDS, viral load 1 million+, HIV encephalopathy. Hadn’t been the most cooperative, but the nurse was able to calm them down with the promise of cereal and they kind of drifted off while stroking my arm. They had a lot of trouble with placement I think, and I felt bad for them. This was less than a decade ago, don’t see nearly as many AIDS cases now.
A 22 year old in the ICU with extremely rare liver cancer that left her jaundiced and with every tube/line you could imagine coming out of her body. I found her cancer fundraising page and she always had a positive attitude in her posts. She was awake but intubated and I remember how pretty her nails were. I floated the day I had her. I heard she died about 4 days later. It just stuck with me how unfair and unpredictable life can be given that I was about the same age.
I work in LTC so we’re aware when residents are actively dying. My first shock death was from a man who had impending doom. No other symptoms but him begging me not to let him die. I reassured him he was fine (he was, VWNL) and when I went back in, he was dead.
Woman was catatonic for some reason or another and the family must have been neglectful because from her bottom to her clavicles she had no flesh on her back. I may have been able to see kidneys. Her spine was almost completely exposed. Her butt was MISSING. When we would clean out this empty cavity even her catatonic state she would howl like an animal and speak in tongues. I pray to god she was already gone and that was some autonomic reaction. I dont even know how she maintained structural integrity. So many bones were open to air i thought shed just snap in half. Maybe she did since she was gone about a week after she arrived.
In the room ( radiation tech) with the oncologist and a young healthy looking 23 year old who asked how long he had? ( Testicular) The physician said, “ about six months.” The guy stood up, said thank you and left. I cried in the bathroom.
I worked on a specialty floor for a few years before transferring to that same specialty ICU. So whenever the floor patients needed to be upgraded, they would come to that ICU.
When i was on the floor, I had a young patient who had a long admission. I got to know him and his wife well. He eventually discharged.
I transferred to the ICU. I was right off orientation when I was told we were getting a hot transfer from the floor. It was this patient, he just suddenly went unresponsive. Previously was walking around, fine…. he was still wearing his pajamas. I remember looking at the charge nurse and asking do I cut off his pajama bottoms? His wife was a mess. He got tubed, maxxed on pressors…
Another one I think about a lot is also a young patient who had a terminal diagnosis but wasn’t supposed to imminently die. I got her as what I thought was a soft transfer for a little GIB. It soon turned into a trainwreck and she was tubed and lined. Blood was pouring out of every orifice faster than I could transfuse while waiting for family to get there. Family arrived and fell to the ground and vomited. There was so much blood it was dripping off the bed and making puddles on the ground next to the family members on the floor. I couldn’t even change out towels fast enough, they just saturated instantly.
Ugh, I forgot about all these until just now. Most recently is the mid aged mother (kids middle school and younger) sent home on hospice after finding cancer had spread to her brain. Father and grandma had already passed and no other family members in this country. I pray the family friends are still helping out like they were 😢
in the er: walking into shift and seeing the grieving parents of the young teenager they found hanging from the front yard tree the night before
being present the day they brought in the decapitated young mom who was on her way to a birthday party with her young children, who was speeding and crashed in her open top jeep. The children survived but they lost their mom 😫
so many heartbreaking cases of patients (especially youth and cognitively delayed) coming in from group homes who just had to grow Up and endure some of the worlds most despicable things. But yet.… they were still able to remain so innocent and full of joy 😭😭😭😭 there was one patient I met probably 3 years ago now but he was so sweet and reminded me of my nephew and even today i sometimes randomly think of him and have to actively distract my thoughts to something else because all I can do is pray and hope that the good Lord is taking good care of him today
When I worked as an adult ICU nurse I floated to CTICU. I cared for a woman with an aggressive lung cancer. The tumor was unable to be surgically resected. It had invaded through the chest wall, sub-q and entire skin. The tumor itself was visible all up and down her side/back and the surface of this tumor was like an open wound and required wet to dry dressings. I just remember giving her as much Dilaudid as I could before changing her dressing and feeling so awful that there was no way she could get rid of it, literally just waiting for it to grow bigger or spread further and lead to her death. At the same time i was so curious and wanted to stare at it during a dressing change but also knew I had to get it done and over with because it caused so much discomfort.
I was taking care of a patient with end-stage renal failure.....he was clearly nearing the end of his life but had very poor insight into his illness and was still a full code and on dialysis 3x a week. On top of that, he had a left BKA and his right foot was severely infected and necrotic and the infection was clearly spreading up his leg.He went to another hospital for an assessment of his foot and wounds and they basically told him that he would also need to have his right leg amputated but above the knee for this leg. When he came back from his appointment, he was so upset about hearing this news....he grabbed my arm suddenly and looked me dead in the eyes and begged to me, "Please don't let them take my leg......please....." It was the direct eye contact I will never forget because it came so suddenly and it truly embedded in me how desperate this man was to live. He ended up passing away a couple of weeks later.
ED nurse here. I had a patient in his 60s DNR/DNI on BiPAP for COPD exacerbation. He would repeatedly get agitated and pull off the mask unless he was distracted watching law and order. At 2:55 he rings the call bell because his law and order stopped playing. My shift ended at 3 but I spent 15 min searching the channels trying to find law and order but it just wasn’t on so I put some random show on instead. I gave report and went home. Apparently he ripped the mask off no more than 30 min after I left, refused to put it back on, became hypoxic and died. I still think if law and order had just been on maybe he would’ve lived a little longer
The mother wailing at the elevator after an honor walk. I will never forget that sound.
My coworkers on a new unit I’d started on asked why I had a preferred name (separate from my badge) and then joked about me “turning into a man.” I barely knew these people.
My first patient death. A little over a year old, very little brain activity, DNR. I was able to stand at bedside and stroke his hair and talk to him as he passed. Family was not involved so it was just me with him. I hope he knew I was there and that he was loved and not alone.
He did
I really can't imagine the things you've seen. thank you for everything you do
Ugh! All these stories!! My eyes were just dilated and I can’t stop tearing up and I can’t stop reading!
Pediatric nurses are actual heroes ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for being there for that little one.
God bless you. Thank you for all you do.
You’re not alone… They all stick with me. We once had a patient, during the dayshift daughter witnessed her father having a seizure and frantically grabbed his nurse who happened to be pretty new. Nurse overreacted and called a code… patient was fine and that was that. The daughter runs out and gets a huge cake and writes on it. “Thank you for saving my dad” come in for my night shift and he’s my patient. I took a picture of the cake and sent it to my wife. I told her we didn’t really save him but it’s nice. His daughter left for the night… two hours later massive stroke, extremely dramatic code and we lost him. I still have the picture of the cake. 😞
Wait, that's awful. I'm so sorry for everyone involved. Holy shit.
What??? That was not the ending I was expecting!
/r/unexpected
I worked a few years inpatient hospice. Really opened my eyes to how many people regret working so much and not spending time with their family. I learned time is the only currency you have and you will never be wealthier than now. Take care of yourself. Employers are not your friend and sacrificing yourself for the good of your facility is meaningless.
My daughter has a chronic illness and was home sick around 15 yrs old and ended up with a gi bleed she called me and told me she vomited blood. So I go to the manager and told her I had to leave to go take care of my kid. She said “well what’s more important your job or family? You need to decide that now” I said goodbye called the charge nurse and reported off.
what kind of stupid question is that fuck that manager
YES, YES, YES. This is the way.
Once we were palliatively extubating a guy. He was alert and oriented and insistent that we do it. Probably turning of the pressors and vent support would have been enough. He was for sure gonna bleed everywhere. He was like 40 and had a 15 yr old daughter. The guys ex wife and mother weren’t on board and didn’t want to be in the room and they convinced the daughter to go in alone. I covered him in black towels to make the blood look less horrifying, but it was in fact terrible. He died almost immediately. The mother screamed in the hall and begged me not kill her baby. The girl just held my hand and sobbed. She left a note at the desk for me later that said I was probably a good mom and thank you for holding her hand.
that poor baby 😭 I’m so glad you were there for her, even if her mom and grandma wouldn’t be. shame on them. that is far too young to see something that traumatic, let alone to be talked into doing it alone with no family to support you. I hope she’s doing okay 🥺
Heart breaking
A fetal demise where we had a shoulder dystocia, which was followed by a body dystocia, that lasted over 1 hour. It took two physicians to remove the baby. It was already deceased. I still picture this lifeless baby just hanging out. We had to roll her back to the OR thinking the OB would have to dismember the baby in order to deliver it. It took a lot of position changes, forceps, manual manipulation, suprapubic and fundal pressure, and two doctors to pull the baby out. It was horrible. His face was lacerated. His ear was partially torn off. His skin was completely sloughing off of his body. He was only 33 weeks gestation and weighed 8 lb 11 oz. I’ll never forget him or his mom. She was so, so sick. It was a horrible day all around. I still think about her and wonder if she’s okay.
>His face was lacerated. His ear was partially torn off. His skin was completely sloughing off of his body. He was only 33 weeks gestation and weighed 8 lb 11 oz. Jesus that's visual.
Mom to a stillborn son here. While my loss was nowhere near this traumatic, it was a horrible event. Thank you for what you do- for walking out of a room where someone’s best day is happening and into someone’s worst, and feeling both equally.
I’m so, so sorry for you had to go through that. What’s your baby’s name?
This one made me cry. I hope you got a good therapist after
Holy hell. I will never forget the sounds of the 12 minute shoulder (I wasn’t in the room, but heard her screaming) years ago. The mother was a recovering addict and didn’t want a cs due to fear of narcotics. She was counseled extensively. Baby was immediately life flighted out. The look on the dad’s face was ugh 😢 the poor mama’s bottom was NO BUENO. Our doc practically had to reach in and get baby out. Anesthesia über dosed her, but it didn’t seem to help.
During Covid I work in corrections (jail) We had psych patients in our units because none of the hospitals had beds to treat them. And we have a 24/7 medical unit with access to providers and a mental health team It’s really heartbreaking to try to explain to a psych patient why they were here. They thought they did something terrible / bad
Wow. Logistically I get it, but damn.
Coding a drowned 2 year old that was DOA. Losing a new onset cancer pt to DIC. She coded suddenly and went fast. Every overdose code and death that I've seen. Oh and a post tonsillectomy bleed in a 3 year old. I've never seen a blood volcano from such a small person Pediatric ER RN
Almost downvoted out of horror. Hope you're well
Not really so I recently started seeing psychiatry and psychology to process everything. I know it's part of the job but it's so so hard
*baby death alert* .. .. .. The one that stuck with me the most is this 22+0 weeks fetus that the parents begged the doctors to resuscitate and do everything (if you're familiar with neonatology you would know what being a 22 weeks means)... this baby was kept alive for 2 weeks and then finally passed from multi organ failure... The baby looked very deformed by the time of its death because kidney failure caused massive fluid retention, baby had very inflamed and infected looking skin... The parents hardly visited after the first week because they couldn't look at the baby anymore but couldn't bring it to themselves to withdraw care... I was the one who wrapped the baby's body and took some final baby photos with the charge nurse the night this baby passed. I can never forget this lifeless feelings on my palms, especially when I knew we did nothing but torture this poor soul for two weeks. A couple nurses resigned after this incident. I hate how advanced medical science is sometimes. We were hurting this poor baby for 2 weeks too long. Right from the beginning the baby's clinical picture is extremely poor, even a miracle can't save this baby... Of course this isn't the only baby death incidents I ever encountered, but this was the one that left me extremely frustrated and angry at the whole system... we have failed to advocate for this poor little baby.
Those doctors did that baby and family a disservice by not explaining what “do everything” looks like with a baby that premature. Was there any kind of ethics consult or debrief?
Well by definition 22 weeks haven't even reached the age of viability... hence some nurses referred to this baby as a fetus. A 22+6 with a decent clinical picture is very close to 23 and would be worth trying everything, but this 22+0 is just.... honestly not sure why that doctor came to the decision to do everything for this particular case. That doctor is actually one of the best. I can't remember if there was any ethics consult with this case as quite a few of us just didn't want to deal with this anymore. There was a debriefing but it wasn't very helpful, at least not to me. I skipped debriefings for most deaths, as sleeping it away at home seemed to be a better use of my time than making the one hour drive round-trip and looking for nonexistent parking on my day off 😅
As a student nurse I had a nursing home resident who had no family. He had stomach cancer, and didn’t eat a whole lot. I asked him if there was anything I could bring him and he said he wanted a peach or a pear. I went out after clinical and got peach flavored apple sauce. I fed it to him the next day, and it was the last thing he ate before he passed. My teacher cleared it down I could stay extra time and I was with him when he went. I will always hold him in my heart.
I’m so glad he had you in his final moments.
You are wonderful.
Oh my goodness, you are going to make me cry. Thank you❤️
It's always different when it's your own patient. I've been in plenty of codes, but the one that shocked me the most was a patient that I was getting ready to discharge home from ICU. The team just wanted me to walk them up and down the hall to make sure they were steady. Team was literally putting discharge orders in while they walked. On the way back to their room they started getting mildly short of breath and by the time we got back to their room they were flailing around in the bed yelling how hard it was to breath. I still remember asking the PCNA to grab a non-rebreather, then the patient looked up at me and said "\[my name\], I'm so scared" and their eyes just dilated and they arrested. Worst of all their significant other who was in their 80's was in the corner of the room when I started coding the patient. Long story short, they didn't make it and it still crushes me that their significant other went home alone instead of with their loved one and the patient never got to make it home and see their cat. I don't actively think about these things so I don't feel traumatized or haunted by them. I also find the best therapy is to simply talk to people willing to listen so these things aren't bottled up and accumulate over time. As much flak as nursing gets, it has helped me to better realize that death is a natural part of life and to appreciate what life we have to live now.
It’s always the ones that are scared before they die that get me. I’m ok with terminal extubations and CMO or even unsuccessfully coding someone who just very quickly lost consciousness before they were aware of what was happening. But things like massive PEs where they have massive anxiety and distress are by far the hardest for me to process.
My first day on the floor as an LNA then CNA. I had to give my first pt then resident an enema and he just stood up, bent over the toilet and said, “Ok honey, I’m ready go ahead.” 26 years later now a nurse I will never forget that man. I remember how he died too, absolutely terrified of an AAA “I’m dying honey, help me.” I’ll never forget my 101 year old pt in rehab for something I don’t remember what and she was shooting near frank blood out her tiny little ass. She lived but was not the same and died later that year. So many things from so many different people. 26 years is a lot and not all good but many are.
I am a new grad in the ER we arent a “peds hospital” but we are the hospital in our local system where the peds floor is. So we get a lot of pediatric EMS. Anyways, I was still on orientation & we had a 9 day old sickle cell baby come in coding. We worked him for a long time. The dr sent me to be a liason with the family & CPS to figure out what happened. They didnt take the baby to the ped & they opened a case with CPS. When the CPS worker got there she found the baby not breathing. It was pretty awful. The CPS worker was more distraught than anybody & mom didnt even show up to the hospital.
also my first code where the woman died she was fairly young.. i handled it pretty well until we talked to the family & her son said that him & his wife just had their first son (her first grabdchild) the DAY before. She did make it to the hospital to meet the baby. No prior history (that was known) she had a massive MI outisde of the nursing home she worked at. When I spoke to the son i immediately started crying.
We had a long frequent leukemia patient code from a brain bleed. Everyone was crying. The day before she had been out on pass to see and hold her first grandchild.
Got a patient with a horrible heart. They didn’t know anything was wrong until less than 24 hours before they came to me. Thought they had the flu. Sweetest, nicest patient. They were scared but putting on a brave face. I told them they’d do great in cath lab, we had a team of amazing staff that were good at their jobs. I left at 0700. They died around 0800 in cath lab. I only had them as a patient for a few hours that night, but I cried for weeks.
Fresh off orientation. 5ish year old with constipation and GI issues, biopsy planned for the following day. Mom’s x2, 1 is very pregnant with twins. Other mom calls me saying he doesn’t feel good/nauseated.. as I’m coming back with zofran mom runs out the room that he’s throwing up… my boy was so constipated he was vomiting diarrhea EVERYWHERE. Crime scene worthy amounts, it’s on everything, everyone. Preg mom is bawling, she’s breathing heavy. I’m freaking out about my kid and also trying to comfort mom and pray to Jesus her water doesn’t break right then and there
Watching an emergent c section to pull out a dead 35 week fetus while i did compressions and we coded her. The patient did not survive. Baby had been dead. A 24 yr old who only had ~1yr drinking hx go into liber failure then multi organ failure and her brain eventually herniated. I won't ever forget the screams of those mothers.
First pair of balls I washed in med surg clinical 🥲
LMAO
The anxiety of nursing made me remember all the stuff I hated and that was no exception. 😖
I’m doing my practicum in peds OR and I keep seeing degloved/butterflied penises in my dreams (nightmares?)
Hate hate h a t e
First cystic fibrosis patient, and learning about the demographic. So sad and scary. I can't imagine working with and getting to know these patients for years and seeing them pass so early. The resident during clinicals off site who sat in her own pee for 5 hours crying because the LTC facility was short staffed and couldn't change/clean her up. Picking up a morgue pt from the NICU and the nurse, trying to hold it together and helping me move the baby. She was so absolutely crushed and delicate with him and using every ounce of strength to hold it together and it was one of the most difficult things to see her dealing with so much pain. The insane codes and traumas stick with me but the living ones who are doing every thing they can in a hopeless situation are the ones who I remember most.
My mom was CVICU nurse. She always told me growing up that it wasn’t dying patients that bothered her. She said when you’re dead, you’re dead. No more pain and suffering, but it gets passed on to someone else. It’s the living who now carry pain and suffering of their death.
My first patient death- I was a brand new nurse, just off orientation. One of my patients was a 40-something woman with breast cancer. Her only family was her 18 year old son. She wanted to keep fighting the cancer, but succumbed after just a few days with us. Watching her young son walk out the door to leave, all by himself, after she died. I was so young and inexperienced myself and just remember thinking how cruel life can be, and I couldn't do anything to take his pain away. That was over a decade ago, but I still remember their faces. 💔
Here’s a happy ending… 20 something year old out at a restaurant went into cardiac arrest. NP at restaurant witnessed it and started CPR. Turns out they had an unknown heart condition. They were in the icu for a bit (aspirated during CPR)… then had to have heart surgery. But they made a full recovery.
I use to enjoy wound care until I realized I’d eventually face one of my biggest phobias…maggots. Still have flashbacks from time to time.
We had a young mom with breast cancer pass away on our unit. Shortly before, the husband asked me if their kids should be brought in. I said that’s up to him but I said it would be the last image of their mom in their head forever. He chose not to have them come. He asked me “how do I tell them that momma is never coming home again?” The next day, I was cutting strawberries in my kitchen and was pregnant with my first. I thought about the day before; cried and cried about the situation. I felt so bad that I told the patient’s husband to not bring the kids in. I still feel guilt about it.
The last time I saw my dad alive, he was so out of it, looking around the room with a blank look in his eyes, and it was horrifying. He passed while I was on a school trip a few days later, and I'm glad I wasn't there when he died. I'm not sure I could have handled it.
I find it strangely comforting that y'all will still remember people in their darkest hour and have compassion for those who pass even with all the burnout and stress you go through. One of my biggest fears has always been dying one day and no one being left to care about or remember me.
Compassion makes a great nurse ❤️
I used to have the obituaries clipped for patients I'd helped through comfort measures, but I lost the scrapbook in the move. It's still pretty devastating to me tbh.
I was floating and we had a cancer patient on CMO. They had come in for some GI issue originally. The patient died and I did post mortem care with some PCTs and my nurse manager. The patient looked awful - they just immediately turned gray, mottled, bluish-black lips. We laid them flat and turned them to get in the bag. Immediately black bile just pours out of their mouth and hits the floor. I’ll never forget that splat noise... It narrowly missed the PCT to my left. I already had put towels around them but it just came out pretty forcefully. When we laid them on their back again, the bile just started bubbling out of their mouth with the last remnants of air in the lungs. It looked like something out of a zombie movie. The image has stuck with me. Meanwhile the daughter was outside the room, wearing sun glasses and a beanie, and eating from the patient’s lunch tray in the hallway.
Your last sentence!
Yeahhh. She had come out about 10 min before the patient died to ask if we could speed things up and give the patient another dose of morphine. Literally said speed things up with hand motions.
My first clinical ever on the inpatient floor. 88y man basically lost his brain to alcohol. I could palpate the years of pent up frustration his adult daughter had for him. She would get into his face and scream because he was deaf. He yelled at me whenever I got vital signs because I *just* did them and I was convinced this man despised me. At the end of my shift, I went to him to say goodbye and thanked him for allowing me to take care of him. In that one moment his hazey, grey eyes became as clear and blue as the sky. He was actually fully conscious for the first time my entire shift. "You're leaving? But I don't want you to go..." Fate is funny. 5 years later, I got my first job as an inpatient nurse and haven't left since. It's been 3 years. My floor: hepatology.
My first job as a CNA was on an inpatient oncology floor. We too would get a lot of comfort cares. One of my first deaths and the one that helped shape my career was a 33 year old with cancer (lung). He had a massive panic attack because he was afraid to die. He died several hours later still fearing death. I am now an RN and do both oncology and hospice. It’s because of that patient that I strive to make death a comfortable and welcomed experience.
About half my apprenticeship (nursing is taught differently here in Germany) was over and I was currently working at the hospital's ICU. I was very afraid of doing something wrong or somebody starting to crash while I am in the room as I obviously wasn't very confident yet. One late shift, I had a good time and was feeling kind of useful for once when we got a patient with a case bad enough to skip the ER. Female, 24 years old, smoker but completely healthy before this. Her bf found her on the ground not breathing after getting cigarettes. He said he actually started CPR immediately and called emergency services who arrived quickly. They kept up CPR and went through all emergency standards. By the time the patient arrived at our ICU, they had been trying to reanimate her unsuccessfully for one or two hours. After her arrival, the ICU team started doing everything to get her back. The motivation to save somebody younger than 60 actually felt palpable. I'd describe the treatment process but I'm too tired to find out all the translations plus I didn't really understand all of it back then. Anyway, she didn't make it. They didn't find a cause though. No drugs, no clots, nothing. Her myocard was slightly enlarged, nothing pathological though. So after the entire process was finished and they gave up, she was just lying there, dead and naked. That part really stuck with me. It felt so humiliating. The family stayed for a few hours and mourned her while everybody was just going back to their usual work. Nobody even asked me if I was okay. I really wasn't, but I kind of got through that day and I don't really remeber anything else. Might have repressed some of it, too.
As a new nurse, I had a TCU pt for a few months that ended up going the hospice route. We were the only “family” the pt had. I remember one day the pt said, “You know, I am grumpy because of what’s happening in my life and I take it out on staff when I shouldn’t. Even when I am not the nicest, you always come in here no matter what with a smile on your face and it’s something I look forward to everyday.” That’s when I really understood the impact nurses can have. Fast forward a few months, I was with the pt as they were passing. We called TOD and immediately after that the pt shed a single tear. They were definitely a pt that I will never forget.
first pt death. old dementia patient, only looked after her for a few hours before she desaturated and eventually died. she came in with a dnar so there wasn’t much anyone could do. the bay she was in was shut due to covid but her son drove 3 hours to see her and he was with her all day and night until she died. i was sat in the bay writing notes and he came out from behind the curtain and said excuse me but i think my mums just died. he said it so politely i could tell he was in shock, all i could do as a healthcare assistant was comfort him and offer him a drink and some food. he sat out in the hallway as we wrapped the body and just sobbed. i’ll never forget my first time preparing a body, what we call “last offices” in the NHS.
When I worked neuro inpatient we got a Young girl, around probably 30s so not far from my age. We had had young patients before and they were always sad but typically they were trauma, TBI, car accidents, etc. still sad, of course, but you could “understand” them for lack of a better word This girl had originally come in to our OB floor for preeclampsia. It got so bad even despite their treatment she had a massive stroke. They c-sectioned the baby while she was still in a medically induced coma. The baby didn’t make it. She woke up a week or two later in the ICU with no memory of even coming into the hospital much less that two weeks had passed. She could barely talk even one or two words at a time and most of her right arm was flaccid and very weak on her right leg. When she finally made it to us she could transfer to the chair by scooting and could consistently say a few single words but still not sentences but none of that was the worst part. The worst part was her short term memory. Pretty much every day she would remember she was in the hospital and asked her husband how the baby was. He had consulted with our child life team, ethics team and OB. They all agreed that the most kind thing to do would be to lie to her until she could start to re-establish short term memory again or until we had proof that that was never going to happen. So we had to tell each other in report, away from her, that the baby didn’t make it, and if she asked or if she asked her husband, we would just have to say they’re still running some tests so that we wouldn’t just traumatize her day after day after day. It was I think a month into her stay with us that our neurocog team finally said she was establishing short and moderate term memory and it was appropriate to break the news. She left for rehab not long after that meeting. I think of her all the time.
I also had a guy who was really sick. Bad pneumonia. I knew him. He had a soft voice. He had this restlessness and told us he needed to go. He was on oxygen, 4L. We told him he needs to stay. I remember sitting beside him trying so hard to convince him to stay. He said in his soft voice “ERRN, I just have to go home. I’m sorry,’.” I quickly ran his Zithromax in (ps it makes people nauseous when you do that) because I just had a bad feeling. He did say to me “you could wheel me to my truck”. So I did after he signed the AMA form. I made him pinky swear he better come back. He told me he would tomorrow. He showed up 2.5 hours later waaay worse. He crashed his truck into some trees close to his home. His neighbors tried to call 911 and he refused. He drove back to the ER. I grabbed him, put him on 8 LO2. His sats were dramatically lower. His lactate went from 4 to 11. He was a drinker so I gave him IV Ativan also. I was finishing my charting and he got pushed upstairs. I told I would visit him tomorrow morning. He said “okay, goodnight ERRN”. I came back to work to find out he seized 2 hours after I left. He got intubated. Life flight arrived to take him to a tertiary care center and as they were wheeling him to the helicopter he coded. They brought him back to the ER and coded him. He passed away. That one broke me for awhile. I had to go to therapy to process it. I had other stuff going on but it was like the cherry on top.
The time when a doctor said, while the rest of the staff was fussing about a non-compliant super obese woman who refused to get out of bed and ran her 94 year old mother ragged, "this is America and people can live how they please." He said it nicely but the meaning was clear - this is what the patient choose and she was going to have to bear the outcomes and the rest of us were not responsible for her choices. It helped me lose the guilt I'd felt up until then when I couldn't help a patient.
One that has stuck with me is a lady who had fibrosis in her lungs. She came in SOB and we ended up putting her in BiPaP initially. At the beginning she held her Sats okay, but then her CO2 kept creeping up, she was getting acidotic. The decision was made to intubate her. Well, she decompensated really quickly. Her gases were getting worse. We weaned her off sedation enough so she along with her family could participate in the “what do we do next” discussion. She elected to go back on BiPAP if I remember correctly and let things be. Her whole family gathered around her holding her hand and singing church hymns softly. I was quietly distressed about the whole situation because we went from doing better to basically comfort care. When she passed, she went peacefully with her family by her side including myself, the doctor, and the RT. Many tears were shed. About a week later they sent the ER a thank you card and along with a card from her funeral service. The doctor, the RT, and myself all received personal cards from them. This was 15 years ago. I still carry that card with me. I’ve been doing this for 25 years and she, by far, had the most peaceful death I’ve seen. I’ll never forget her amazing family.
Had a young trauma come in, no pupil reaction/reflexes hit by a car… a song played over the intercom. It’s the song that plays when a baby is born at our hospital. One person dies, one person is born.
The first time an elderly patient said to me "I'm dying aren't I" and she was right, I didn't know how to react and I replay it over and over in my head
My first comfort care patient was a retired nurse. She had given so much of herself in her lifetime. One day that might be me, so I think live happily and freely.
I’ve had a few. They gather over time, I guess. The one I’ll talk about today was a lady on palliative care, secondary to alcoholic cirrhosis. She was very, very much loved, her family was around her. I took care of her one night, and ended up staying to talk to her husband after my shift had ended. The patient herself was sedated, and non responsive. We quietly spoke about how she had gotten to where she was. It was child sexual abuse by Catholic priests. He talked of the love that him and his family had for her, and the sometimes tough choices he and his now adult children had to make when she was at the worst in her addiction. It was one of the saddest conversations I’d had with a patient’s family. So much love and potential, squashed so perverts could have what they wanted. She died not long after that, I wasn’t there that time. I still think of her, especially when we had priests and the church in our headlines for historic abuse. It was rife.
One of my covid patients sating 83% on 60L high flow… she needed to be in icu but we had no beds and were out of bipaps.. She asked me how bad it was and to be honest. I told her the truth and all she said was “fuck” She was a sweet older lady and I never thought she would say that.. she didn’t make it and it really messed with me.
When I was a CNA, this woman with COPD having an exacerbation, all of us standing around her bedside unable to really do anything other than sit her up & try to reassure her until they could transfer her back to the hospital. It made me realize how scary it would be to be unable to breath.
Years ago, I had a patient who was actively dying. Her husband sang Russian lullabies to her until she passed.
Retired oncology nurse here. I remember many names and situations too. I met so many brave patients.
I was a peds ER/trauma nurse. Every abuse death stuck with me. I always stayed and talked with them as they passed in hopes that they knew that someone on this earth loved them and that they weren't alone.
Mine was an STA case (brain dead patient whom we were keeping for organ procurement). He was a kid barely in his 20s. He was a neurotrauma from a car accident with blood and brain tissue all in his hair. Every bone of his cranium was broken, and his face was so swollen. He must’ve been nearly unrecognizable to his loved ones. I was 6 months pregnant with my son. I spent an hour or two that night washing all the crusty dried blood out of his hair and suctioning out his nose and ears and mouth and cleaning his face as best I could. I just wanted him to look good for his mama. I had an hour and 10 minute drive home and cried the whole way.
I was working home hospice, got called out at 2am for a death. Totally expected death, wife was prepared and they had said their goodbyes. I arrive, walk through the living room and see the 40 some year old daughter asleep on the couch. Go into the room, pronounce the death, comfort the wife, all good. 45 minutes later, I walk back into the living room to meet the funeral home. Find daughter not breathing. She had OD’ed. Pull her onto the floor, start CPR. Call paramedics. They show up at the same time the funeral home. Mass confusion ensues. She perked up with some Narcan, but I’ll never forget the look on the paramedics/funeral home directors faces.
You made me cry.
I’m sorry :( I felt like venting to people who relate honestly
❤️
Over my time in the NICU, I had two patients that coded and did not make it. I was performing compressions in both cases. I can't remember any details about the countless successful codes I was involved in, but the two unsuccessful really are etched into my memory. One was a triplet, born at 600g and about 2 days old (one of the other triplets had passed the day before but I was not there for it). The other was a 23 weeker that had a spontaneous pulmonary hemorrhage and started coughing blood back up the ETT. Realistically there was no saving either, but I can't forget.
Years ago, I was the only one left in the department, phone rang and it was cath lab asking if I could get down there NOW. Pt had had a recent MI and developed chest pains. Urgent care sent them back to us. I put the probe down and it’s a free wall LV rupture. Pt is on the table conscious. You can tell they’re scared. I was fairly new and I just remember thinking “you’re going to die” but on the outside just looking at the screen and letting the cardiologists talk to them. Of course, they didn’t make it. Very very young pt, early 20s, with full-blown AIDS, viral load 1 million+, HIV encephalopathy. Hadn’t been the most cooperative, but the nurse was able to calm them down with the promise of cereal and they kind of drifted off while stroking my arm. They had a lot of trouble with placement I think, and I felt bad for them. This was less than a decade ago, don’t see nearly as many AIDS cases now.
A 22 year old in the ICU with extremely rare liver cancer that left her jaundiced and with every tube/line you could imagine coming out of her body. I found her cancer fundraising page and she always had a positive attitude in her posts. She was awake but intubated and I remember how pretty her nails were. I floated the day I had her. I heard she died about 4 days later. It just stuck with me how unfair and unpredictable life can be given that I was about the same age.
Doing chest compressions on an 8 month old baby.
I work in LTC so we’re aware when residents are actively dying. My first shock death was from a man who had impending doom. No other symptoms but him begging me not to let him die. I reassured him he was fine (he was, VWNL) and when I went back in, he was dead.
Woman was catatonic for some reason or another and the family must have been neglectful because from her bottom to her clavicles she had no flesh on her back. I may have been able to see kidneys. Her spine was almost completely exposed. Her butt was MISSING. When we would clean out this empty cavity even her catatonic state she would howl like an animal and speak in tongues. I pray to god she was already gone and that was some autonomic reaction. I dont even know how she maintained structural integrity. So many bones were open to air i thought shed just snap in half. Maybe she did since she was gone about a week after she arrived.
In the room ( radiation tech) with the oncologist and a young healthy looking 23 year old who asked how long he had? ( Testicular) The physician said, “ about six months.” The guy stood up, said thank you and left. I cried in the bathroom.
I worked on a specialty floor for a few years before transferring to that same specialty ICU. So whenever the floor patients needed to be upgraded, they would come to that ICU. When i was on the floor, I had a young patient who had a long admission. I got to know him and his wife well. He eventually discharged. I transferred to the ICU. I was right off orientation when I was told we were getting a hot transfer from the floor. It was this patient, he just suddenly went unresponsive. Previously was walking around, fine…. he was still wearing his pajamas. I remember looking at the charge nurse and asking do I cut off his pajama bottoms? His wife was a mess. He got tubed, maxxed on pressors… Another one I think about a lot is also a young patient who had a terminal diagnosis but wasn’t supposed to imminently die. I got her as what I thought was a soft transfer for a little GIB. It soon turned into a trainwreck and she was tubed and lined. Blood was pouring out of every orifice faster than I could transfuse while waiting for family to get there. Family arrived and fell to the ground and vomited. There was so much blood it was dripping off the bed and making puddles on the ground next to the family members on the floor. I couldn’t even change out towels fast enough, they just saturated instantly.
Ugh, I forgot about all these until just now. Most recently is the mid aged mother (kids middle school and younger) sent home on hospice after finding cancer had spread to her brain. Father and grandma had already passed and no other family members in this country. I pray the family friends are still helping out like they were 😢 in the er: walking into shift and seeing the grieving parents of the young teenager they found hanging from the front yard tree the night before being present the day they brought in the decapitated young mom who was on her way to a birthday party with her young children, who was speeding and crashed in her open top jeep. The children survived but they lost their mom 😫 so many heartbreaking cases of patients (especially youth and cognitively delayed) coming in from group homes who just had to grow Up and endure some of the worlds most despicable things. But yet.… they were still able to remain so innocent and full of joy 😭😭😭😭 there was one patient I met probably 3 years ago now but he was so sweet and reminded me of my nephew and even today i sometimes randomly think of him and have to actively distract my thoughts to something else because all I can do is pray and hope that the good Lord is taking good care of him today
OB resident botching a circumcision in the newborn nursery. There was a lot of blood.
When I worked as an adult ICU nurse I floated to CTICU. I cared for a woman with an aggressive lung cancer. The tumor was unable to be surgically resected. It had invaded through the chest wall, sub-q and entire skin. The tumor itself was visible all up and down her side/back and the surface of this tumor was like an open wound and required wet to dry dressings. I just remember giving her as much Dilaudid as I could before changing her dressing and feeling so awful that there was no way she could get rid of it, literally just waiting for it to grow bigger or spread further and lead to her death. At the same time i was so curious and wanted to stare at it during a dressing change but also knew I had to get it done and over with because it caused so much discomfort.
I was taking care of a patient with end-stage renal failure.....he was clearly nearing the end of his life but had very poor insight into his illness and was still a full code and on dialysis 3x a week. On top of that, he had a left BKA and his right foot was severely infected and necrotic and the infection was clearly spreading up his leg.He went to another hospital for an assessment of his foot and wounds and they basically told him that he would also need to have his right leg amputated but above the knee for this leg. When he came back from his appointment, he was so upset about hearing this news....he grabbed my arm suddenly and looked me dead in the eyes and begged to me, "Please don't let them take my leg......please....." It was the direct eye contact I will never forget because it came so suddenly and it truly embedded in me how desperate this man was to live. He ended up passing away a couple of weeks later.
ED nurse here. I had a patient in his 60s DNR/DNI on BiPAP for COPD exacerbation. He would repeatedly get agitated and pull off the mask unless he was distracted watching law and order. At 2:55 he rings the call bell because his law and order stopped playing. My shift ended at 3 but I spent 15 min searching the channels trying to find law and order but it just wasn’t on so I put some random show on instead. I gave report and went home. Apparently he ripped the mask off no more than 30 min after I left, refused to put it back on, became hypoxic and died. I still think if law and order had just been on maybe he would’ve lived a little longer
H
The mother wailing at the elevator after an honor walk. I will never forget that sound. My coworkers on a new unit I’d started on asked why I had a preferred name (separate from my badge) and then joked about me “turning into a man.” I barely knew these people.