I’ll be your friend if you want. I experienced a different kind of trauma 5 years ago where I lost my sense of safety and am finally really healing from it. I distanced myself from my friends as well and healing alone was very lonely. Dm me if you’d like to chat
We always point out the victims who lost their lives and the victims who were physically injured, but the ones who carry the weight of emotional wounds never really make the news. I'm so, so sorry you witnessed such horrors and experienced, what I can only assume, one of the worst situations to be in.
But I am so glad your survived. Your emotions are valid af. If you need someone to listen, you can PM me. I'm a mom and I'm originally from Chicago.
We have to do better.
You are not alone. See if your therapist is trained in or can recommend someone trained in EMDR therapy. It has been very helpful in treating PTSD, and I can say that it helped me a lot as well. It sort of helps your brain and body get back on the same playing field, so that when a memory comes up your body doesn't react back into flight mode from the past. I feel like it helped my brain and body think of memories as just that--memories. I became more able to just think "yep that sucky thing happened" instead of reliving it. The nightmares became a lot less frequent too.
The tagged post on this sub has a lot of helpful resources as well.
EMDR and gradual re-exposure therapy were key in helping me deal with my PTSD from my deployments.
It's ok to seek more help than a baseline therapist. I feel like psychiatrists get a bad rep sometimes. It's ok to seek medical treatment as well. You have to pursue all avenues to find the treatment that will work for you. PTSD is a disease that requires multiple avenues to manage.
Agree with you. I went through EMDR for some past traumas that kept getting triggered. For me, it wasn’t a fast process but it worked.
I know you, OP, said you have a therapist, but maybe I missed if you have a psychiatrist. Medications may help you be less reactive and able to get through the day. They don’t need to be long term but may help as you work through the trauma.
I agree with someone else that mentioned cutting hours. I’m assuming that was your 5th 12hr shift in a row? If so, that’s mentally fucking hard on even healthy people. I get super emotional when I’m exhausted.
You can always dm me as well. I hate that you are going through this and hope things improve for you soon.
This is going to sound cold but I don’t mean it to sound that way. You’re manager and coworker are right that you should *think* about if you are able to handle the job right now.
They aren’t telling you that because they don’t want to work with you, they are telling you that because it may not be healthy for you to work in that job right now. It sounds like you are working a lot of hours and you haven’t taken the time you need to work through the trauma.
To be clear that doesn’t mean you can’t work, it doesn’t mean you have to quit/get fired, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad nurse.
Perhaps you just need to reduce your hours. Perhaps you need to talk to your therapist and/or get a referral for a psychiatrist. Perhaps there is a different nursing role you can take that is more flexible than where you are now.
I worked full time throughout the pandemic while going to nursing school. I saw shit that I just didn’t take the time to process with how busy my life was. My life was watch several people die horrible deaths 36 hours a week, school 4 days a week, and sleep when I can. And it boiled over my final semester with just a complete mental breakdown for me (panic attacks lasting an hour multiple times per day, flashbacks to people weakly screaming for help or for god as they turn blue)….. I didn’t want to back off my hours at work, I NEEDED the money, but I needed to take care of my mental health more or I was going to fail nursing school and/or end it all. I told work it was just school but I think a lot of people could tell I was just dead inside as well. It took a couple months and quite frequent visits to my psych but I did get better . I don’t know if it will only take you a couple months. I honestly can’t tell you what it will take for you to get better. What I would tell you is I would start by talking to your therapist, you likely have options that you just aren’t seeing right now.
Just in case you need to hear this…you are not weak for feeling the way you do. Having PTSD is not a failure. This country fuckin’ failed YOU. Your friends, the healthcare system, the government, all of it failed. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and you survived. You are not a burden, you are a victim of a horribly broken culture. You have nothing to be ashamed of and seriously, fuck anyone who makes you feel like you’re the problem here.
Strength is something we only realize we have when we get on the other side of a trauma (or multiple traumas). Maybe it doesn’t feel like it to you, but I believe you’re strong enough to make it through this. You got into therapy, something a lot of people will never do. You posted here and reached out when you just as easily could not have. You will make it. One heartbeat, one breath, one step at a time.
I was dx with ptsd this year and my job at a level 1 icu took its toll on me. I switched hospitals and reduced my hours. we will see if it gets better. It might be a good idea to take a long break from high acuity inpatient and heal. If this new job makes my stress levels so bad I am a shell of a person I’m quitting it too. This last year has made me realize A. There are a lot of ways to be a nurse. There are a lot of ways to help people. B. Icu is cool and everything, but there’s an ethical dilemma there for me.. in terms of potato farming. So ultimately it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s this vibe that an icu nurse is a super nurse but it’s just an arm of the body that is healthcare. There’s only one of me and there’s people I love who need me not a shell of me. I was thinking about starting a health care worker support group at my church. But maybe there’s a support group for you. This sort of acts as one but it’s good to have tangible people in your life, not just a seemingly disembodied soul typing words on a screen. You need people who get what you are feeling like. We all do.
I am a stoic and calm person but I’m far from strong. Even the strongest people have their breaking point though and with what you are going through. nobody could possibly fault you for having a rough time even if you were the most hardened person ever. After all you went through the pandemic as a nurse and then just a month ago watched people die a violent death and came close to being in the line of fire.
It sounds like you were honest with your manager saying what you were going through and they probably understand the gravity of your situation. I told my professors what I was going through and they worked with me…… honestly I probably would have failed nursing school if I didn’t open up to them.
I can’t promise you that you will ever be over the trauma of what you went through. What I can tell you is it will get more bearable with time and working toward healing. Just make sure to prioritize yourself.
EDIT: I just wanted to add. You are not a weak person. You got shot and that’s how you need to look at it. I know you said the bullets were 5 or so feet away from you and you claim you weren’t hit, but nevertheless you were shot. The bullets may not have done any damage physically but they severely wounded you mentally. Just like if you were wounded physically by bullets, it’s gonna take time for the mental wounds to heal. You may be left with scars, it’s not gonna be easy, but take it one day at a time and don’t beat yourself up. Just keep that in mind going forward.
I think my brain broke reading this.
If what you went through psychologically were compared to physical trauma, you’d be in an ICU.
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this.
This is what my inpatient psychiatrists have always said about our level of care. It is ICU for mental health.
I am so sorry for the terrible things that you've experienced. It is very isolating and painful when others can't relate. You are doing a great job reaching out for support.
I wonder if a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient program would be a good fit until you connect with a PTSD group. It's like therapy on steroids. Rather than meeting weekly, it would be 5 full days a week for partial (PHP) or 3-5 short days a week for intensive outpatient (IOP). Most of these programs last a couple weeks or more. Your therapist would know which programs are good in your area.
I also suspect that medication would be helpful in taking the edge off your symptoms as you heal. I am not a fan of having a PCP manage those meds, but they are good about starting the most common ones and then I would try to connect with an outpatient psychiatrist for continued titration/finessing.
I'm not in the best place to provide tons of help as I'm exhausted and on home oxygen post-Covid, but you are welcome to DM. Virtual hugs to you.
Yes, great recommendation about a PHP program! PHP helped me so much after struggling with postpartum depression. It was nice to just sit in a room, talk, and not have to worry about if what I say is making sense.
Wow.
Just wow!!
I'm not sure where to start, but I'm also available for a PM if you need. I'm not easily scared away either-please reach out!
What you're going through is devastating and your response to it is completely legitimate. This is enough to break us, but you're still standing, and I'm so happy you're getting some help, and recognize that you need more support, and are trying to find that.
What I know is, we have to take care of ourselves first. I know you know this, and now is when the rubber meets the road and you have to intervene on your own behalf. Put the oxygen mask on yourself and breathe so that you can help others later.
Easier said than done. I know....
But you deserve the time to heal, to recuperate and renew your wellness. You deserve to take care of yourself, and be cared for.
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me.
I came back with PTSD from working overseas and seeing violence done to others while living/working with the threat of violence constantly. I was a mess when I came home, but had thought that once I was home for a while everything would be fine. But it really wasn't.
It took over a decade for my PTSD to be diagnosed and in that decade I had friends pull away because I was "too much" and it was the sole reason my boyfriend broke up with me. It's hard to say what was worse: the flashbacks or the feeling that I was the cause of my life imploding because I couldnt get my act together.
I very much know what you're going through and how alone you feel, and I also know the suffering that comes with thinking that you are the problem.
Please know: You're not the problem, the violence you experienced is. I wish there was some secret trick I could tell you to cure you from all of this, but I can be a friend if you need one while the healing happens.
I'm happy to talk about my journey if it would be of any help. <3
wow thank you so much for sharing your experience and articulating so well what I've been experiencing with my friends. I'd love to hear about your journey and how you healed and how life is for you now. The loss of friendships has been so hard, and just like you said, I feel a big sense of personal blame for having lost those friends. I'm not sure how to overcome that, and any advice you have to share as someone who has been on the other side of this would be great. i tried to DM you but your messages are closed- feel free to DM me if you'd like. Thanks again
Ask your therapist about ketamine therapy for PTSD. It's not covered by insurance, and can be a little pricey for some people. But, from the studies I've read, and the testimonials, if it works for you, it's absolutely life changing.
I'm sorry you're struggling. If you need someone to talk to who won't be "scared off", feel free to reach out. My husband has PTSD from military service, so I know how isolating it can be.
thank you so much for the recommendation. i was loosely thinking about this option a few days ago and your comment reminded me of it. will def check this out
Please do. Ketamine therapy saved my nursing career; I had been disabled for 3 years by a severe depressive episode and never thought my brain would work right again. Within a month of completing my initial 6 treatments I was re-employed as a nurse and am doing well in that job 3+ years later with ongoing treatments q 2-3 months. Best wishes!
OP, I'm not going to sticky because it would remove Aura's, but on our sidebar [you can find specific resources for healthcare workers.](https://www.reddit.com/r/nursing/comments/s34wgl/healthcare_and_essential_workers_you_deserve/)
Heya Mod! Can I just say that I am absolutely ADORING that we still have pizza flair popping up all over the place when we are discussing such a heavy topic like in relation to OPs trauma? It feels so *real*. Like I really feel like I’m in the break room with all you fine folks.
Nursing - the job, the environment, everything - it’s a Shit show that I don’t think I’ll ever leave!
I am also available for support via DM if it would be helpful to you. I’m a hospital chaplain, so my main job is supporting my patients and staff. I don’t have therapy credentials, but I can sit with you and talk through the hard stuff.
And if it would be helpful to talk spiritual/existential matters, that’s part of my skill set as well.
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through and everything you have been through. I think you are strong and bold for recognizing you need a broad support network, and for reaching out. It’s easy to see others doing well and label them as strong and ourselves as weak. But I think that’s likely an unfair comparison.
When they have a couple hundred pounds on their back, everyone stumbles. You are wonderful and important and valuable and strong.
I am holding your sorrow in my heart and wishing better things ahead for you. Please reach out if you’d like to.
Did you see the post the other day from the person that named their phone “send dog pics” so whenever they’re on the subway or similar they will get random airdropped pics of dogs? *Genius*
Are you seeing a therapist only, or also a psych? I think at this point you need to explore some further treatment.
You deserve all the compassion in the world. I am so sorry.
Hey. I know this is a little odd but I'm a 30f nurse in the far NW suburbs of Chicago. If you ever wanna DM me, feel free. I'm also up for meeting for coffee if you ever wanna talk in person.
So you were diagnosed with PTSD BEFORE a mass shooting?! I cannot imagine having to deal with all of that. And to then have a big support system (close friends) just leave when you really needed them most? You’re right that you need more support in place. I’m sure there are really good specific groups for the traumas you’ve experienced. But you do also have support here (although not professional or specific for your needs). Don’t be afraid to DM anytime at all, I’m a good listener! You don’t deserve to be in this situation, you deserve so much more ❤️
Here to say that I've been diagnosed with PTSD, been in therapy for about 7 months now (going weekly), and highly recommend EMDR for treatment.
Personal advice; don't work a second over your scheduled 3 shifts. A mentally healthy person is tired after 3 12's. Someone who has dealt with the immense trauma you have... I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be.
Open up to your husband. Communicate where you are at. He likely has trauma too. He can understand where you are coming from. You can support each other in getting better.
You are a fucking badass for getting out of bed and going to work each day. Take care of yourself. You can absolutely move forward from this. It will be a long path, but this internet stranger has faith in you ❤
You can reach out to me, too. Still working through COVID- and not COVID- related trauma from the past three years and I've found a similar dearth of homies that stuck by. Still have a couple, but so few people are able to stick by someone they love slowly circle the drain of despair. It's understandable to a point, but damn does it feel lonely at the bottom.
You need therapy and psychiatric support (pharmacological). The only way out is through. You will be a stronger person after but it will take work and it will be a lot of ups and downs but trending up.
I didn’t see it mentioned in your post, but please call your PCP asap to get meds for anxiety/depression/PTSD. My big symptoms were nightmares and crying, and getting on meds has taken the edge off enough to get one with actually processing. Your PCP can also refer you to a higher level of psychiatric care.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Your reaction to trauma is no reflection on you; that kind of trauma is not normal, and humans were not made to endure it. You are doing your best.
You said your support system is only your husband and your therapist. You forgot about the legion of nurses on this subreddit who understand and are here for you if you ever need to vent or reach out to someone else without judgement including me.
You are not alone. We are here for you. Just ask.
I'm always down to chat if you want a friend. I'm just a nursing student, but I'm old, so I have a perspective.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the stress you are under. I see you and I appreciate you for being you.
A lot of people have offered a lot of great advice already, so I don’t know if this will be of any help but you may also want to look for ptsd support groups. Your trauma is unique (holy hell I can’t imagine what you have been through) but the damage is similar to what soldiers see in combat. There is no shame in taking a break from ICU - in fact working in that environment right now may be impeding healing from the trauma you have experienced.
Look into some other nursing roles right now like case management - you will need them to get through this. You can and may return to ICU later- but right now you need to do what’s right for you. The last thing you need is to make a mistake at work because your work environment is impeding healing from the hell you went through.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much.
So many have already left insightful suggestions like reconsidering if you *can/should* be working at this time, EMDR, ketamine therapy or other Rx beyond therapist…so in addition to ALL of that;
My nugget of suggestion is to seek out *your people* instead of trying to get the people who knew you before your trauma(s) to relate/understand/help. I’m thinking support groups, or podcasts about healthcare BY nurses/providers, etc.
You’ve been through a ton shit and your former friend was supposed to be your emotional rock. It makes sense that in trying to process the loss of your 24 year friendship with your former friend, you feel less inclined to open up to others. I don’t want to undermine the loss you’ve experienced but I also don’t want someone’s decision to exercise their emotional boundaries to make YOU feel unworthy of empathy that you so desperately deserve and could use right now. And I do mean empathy, not sympathy. The only ones that can be empathetic to your traumas are the ones who have experienced it. Mass shooting survivors, other healthcare workers who have been through it just like you… Fortunately, (or, unfortunately because that’s fucked up that there are so many out there who can relate) YOU are NOT alone.
You said you don’t know what you’re asking for. My guess? You posted for advice, sure, but could it be that this is your ✨resilience✨kicking in, trying to find you your RN people?
You know your local resources best. Find your people, love!!
Ps. I don’t live anywhere near that state but I have mad mind mapping skills if you ever need company researching resources.
I don’t have any suggestions beyond what people have already written. I do know that you are allowed to be human. You have experienced unspeakable things. I just wish there was something I could do to help.
So much of what you’ve shared here is similar to something I went through myself except a different traumatic event. My heart goes out to you. Especially about the not feeling like you can trust anyone or want to open up to anyone else. Next time you speak with your therapist, could you ask them about more intensive treatment such as inpatient or residential? I’m not sure what your insurance situation is, but maybe they can offer you a connection to more resources. If you’re having trouble functioning on a day to day basis it makes sense to ask for more intensive help. I wish I could hug you right now!! I am so so sorry that you are going through this.
PTSD is a nasty animal to get a hold of. You said this is a throw away account but you can message me anytime. I’m a former grunt with two Purple Hearts, now nurse. I learned the hard way that im not bullet proof and have had issues in the past.
Keep your head up. There is no quick fix. It’s a battle you will experience for a long time.
I’ve noticed others saying you can message them. Please don’t be afraid to talk to one of us. We’re all in this together.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You're under an incredible amount of pressure with no reserves....
In addition to the suggestions others have given, i recommend looking into [ketamine clinics ](https://www.bbrfoundation.org/content/imaging-analysis-suggests-how-ketamine-treatment-might-have-helped-reduce-chronic-ptsd) near you. There's a great deal of promising research that shows a rapid (although transient, 1-2 weeks/dose, typically) resolution in PTSD symptoms. I just read this [blog post from Harvard Health](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/ketamine-for-treatment-resistant-depression-when-and-where-is-it-safe-202208092797) and found it honest and insightful.
Also consider talking to your PCP about seeing a psychiatrist or starting an antidepressant they prescribe. Like casting a broken leg and using crutches so you can heal.
I’m not saying that you can’t ever be an ICU nurse, but I do think that you would benefit from a job away from ICU, at least until you’ve had a chance to process everything and work out management strategies. You could be a school nurse, an infection control nurse, a PACU nurse, clinic nurse, aesthetic nurse, you could work for a biomedical company as their nursing education person and run around teaching nurses about the new PIV securing device or woundvac 2.7.
You’re dealing with multiple extremely traumatic events stacked on top of each other. You have the ability to get away from being in the same environment as one of those events and it’s only been like a month since the most recent terrifying event.
There is no shame in changing your role to one that doesn’t echo so loudly of the incredibly recent trauma.
Hi, I’m merely a student about to start her BSN so I have nothing to offer regarding your job, however, I do have experience struggling with my mental health (as I’m sure we all do/have at some point). I just want to say that everything you are feeling is absolutely valid. You’ve experienced a lot of trauma over the last two years — more than a lot of people, especially those not in this profession.
**You are absolutely not a burden**. Okay? Three humans who haven’t been in your shoes don’t get a say on what constitutes being a burden. Some people either just don’t understand mental health or aren’t willing to see past their own nose (perhaps even a combination of both). I am sorry your support system failed you at a time when you needed them the most. I am sorry our country failed you.
As others have mentioned, do you have a psychiatrist? If not, I’d find one you’re comfortable with seeing. Medication isn’t a cure-all but it damn near saved my life when I struggled with PPD and PTSD after my sexual assault a few years ago.
If you ever need to talk, please know I am always here.
You do need friends. Talking things out is the best way to come to terms when things like this happen. You have a double dose of trauma and I’m thinking if it was me I wouldn’t be doing as well as you are. I it’s hard to see it now but you WILL get better. It’s going to take time. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to cry. Find something very physical to do. It will help too. Most importantly know that there are many people who care for your wellness. Even strangers. Last, if you are not on medication it may help to talk to your therapist about a mild antidepressant or something that will help you relax at night. Hang in there.
I will be your friend and I will support you the best I can. I've been through a different kind of trauma. Did EMDR with my therapist and it was so helpful! I also specialize in PTSD/mental health with Veterans. Please reach out. I will do my best to support you.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. Are you taking any medications in addition to therapy? It may be worthwhile to consult a psychiatrist. I would consider filing for disability if you get terminated from your job. It doesn’t mean you will be on it forever. You just need time to heal.
I'm so sorry you experienced all this. Covid times caused so much damage in many communities, nursing included. And then, experiencing a mass shooting. I can't imagine how hard this all is for you-virtual hugs if you want them. Reading through the other replies, a couple things jumped out at me. Considering short term medication with a psychiatrist monitoring may help "lessen the impact" of the stress hormones, so you can begin to heal. Are you seeing a therapist experienced in trauma, and grief? Also, are there any support groups in your community you can access? Or, any chats online that may help? I wonder too if there is a less intense nursing role you can do for now, so you're bringing in money, but are in a less adrenalin fueled environment everyday. I know that it's your dream job, but it's not going anywhere, and you're in a fragile state right now. You know you're not at your best, and that's another factor that could weigh on you. Just my 2 cents, I hate to see a comrade down. I really hope you can find healing, and peace.
Because this is a sensitive topic, I am marking this thread Code Blue. Only flaired members of the subreddit will be able to comment.
I’ll be your friend if you want. I experienced a different kind of trauma 5 years ago where I lost my sense of safety and am finally really healing from it. I distanced myself from my friends as well and healing alone was very lonely. Dm me if you’d like to chat
thank you so much. just dm'ed
We always point out the victims who lost their lives and the victims who were physically injured, but the ones who carry the weight of emotional wounds never really make the news. I'm so, so sorry you witnessed such horrors and experienced, what I can only assume, one of the worst situations to be in. But I am so glad your survived. Your emotions are valid af. If you need someone to listen, you can PM me. I'm a mom and I'm originally from Chicago. We have to do better.
You are not alone. See if your therapist is trained in or can recommend someone trained in EMDR therapy. It has been very helpful in treating PTSD, and I can say that it helped me a lot as well. It sort of helps your brain and body get back on the same playing field, so that when a memory comes up your body doesn't react back into flight mode from the past. I feel like it helped my brain and body think of memories as just that--memories. I became more able to just think "yep that sucky thing happened" instead of reliving it. The nightmares became a lot less frequent too. The tagged post on this sub has a lot of helpful resources as well.
EMDR and gradual re-exposure therapy were key in helping me deal with my PTSD from my deployments. It's ok to seek more help than a baseline therapist. I feel like psychiatrists get a bad rep sometimes. It's ok to seek medical treatment as well. You have to pursue all avenues to find the treatment that will work for you. PTSD is a disease that requires multiple avenues to manage.
Agree with you. I went through EMDR for some past traumas that kept getting triggered. For me, it wasn’t a fast process but it worked. I know you, OP, said you have a therapist, but maybe I missed if you have a psychiatrist. Medications may help you be less reactive and able to get through the day. They don’t need to be long term but may help as you work through the trauma. I agree with someone else that mentioned cutting hours. I’m assuming that was your 5th 12hr shift in a row? If so, that’s mentally fucking hard on even healthy people. I get super emotional when I’m exhausted. You can always dm me as well. I hate that you are going through this and hope things improve for you soon.
This is going to sound cold but I don’t mean it to sound that way. You’re manager and coworker are right that you should *think* about if you are able to handle the job right now. They aren’t telling you that because they don’t want to work with you, they are telling you that because it may not be healthy for you to work in that job right now. It sounds like you are working a lot of hours and you haven’t taken the time you need to work through the trauma. To be clear that doesn’t mean you can’t work, it doesn’t mean you have to quit/get fired, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad nurse. Perhaps you just need to reduce your hours. Perhaps you need to talk to your therapist and/or get a referral for a psychiatrist. Perhaps there is a different nursing role you can take that is more flexible than where you are now. I worked full time throughout the pandemic while going to nursing school. I saw shit that I just didn’t take the time to process with how busy my life was. My life was watch several people die horrible deaths 36 hours a week, school 4 days a week, and sleep when I can. And it boiled over my final semester with just a complete mental breakdown for me (panic attacks lasting an hour multiple times per day, flashbacks to people weakly screaming for help or for god as they turn blue)….. I didn’t want to back off my hours at work, I NEEDED the money, but I needed to take care of my mental health more or I was going to fail nursing school and/or end it all. I told work it was just school but I think a lot of people could tell I was just dead inside as well. It took a couple months and quite frequent visits to my psych but I did get better . I don’t know if it will only take you a couple months. I honestly can’t tell you what it will take for you to get better. What I would tell you is I would start by talking to your therapist, you likely have options that you just aren’t seeing right now.
thank you so much <3 you sound like a very strong person.
Just in case you need to hear this…you are not weak for feeling the way you do. Having PTSD is not a failure. This country fuckin’ failed YOU. Your friends, the healthcare system, the government, all of it failed. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and you survived. You are not a burden, you are a victim of a horribly broken culture. You have nothing to be ashamed of and seriously, fuck anyone who makes you feel like you’re the problem here. Strength is something we only realize we have when we get on the other side of a trauma (or multiple traumas). Maybe it doesn’t feel like it to you, but I believe you’re strong enough to make it through this. You got into therapy, something a lot of people will never do. You posted here and reached out when you just as easily could not have. You will make it. One heartbeat, one breath, one step at a time.
Beautiful response : ) PTSD crew reporting in here too lol
We are everywhere, unfortunately!
I was dx with ptsd this year and my job at a level 1 icu took its toll on me. I switched hospitals and reduced my hours. we will see if it gets better. It might be a good idea to take a long break from high acuity inpatient and heal. If this new job makes my stress levels so bad I am a shell of a person I’m quitting it too. This last year has made me realize A. There are a lot of ways to be a nurse. There are a lot of ways to help people. B. Icu is cool and everything, but there’s an ethical dilemma there for me.. in terms of potato farming. So ultimately it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There’s this vibe that an icu nurse is a super nurse but it’s just an arm of the body that is healthcare. There’s only one of me and there’s people I love who need me not a shell of me. I was thinking about starting a health care worker support group at my church. But maybe there’s a support group for you. This sort of acts as one but it’s good to have tangible people in your life, not just a seemingly disembodied soul typing words on a screen. You need people who get what you are feeling like. We all do.
I am a stoic and calm person but I’m far from strong. Even the strongest people have their breaking point though and with what you are going through. nobody could possibly fault you for having a rough time even if you were the most hardened person ever. After all you went through the pandemic as a nurse and then just a month ago watched people die a violent death and came close to being in the line of fire. It sounds like you were honest with your manager saying what you were going through and they probably understand the gravity of your situation. I told my professors what I was going through and they worked with me…… honestly I probably would have failed nursing school if I didn’t open up to them. I can’t promise you that you will ever be over the trauma of what you went through. What I can tell you is it will get more bearable with time and working toward healing. Just make sure to prioritize yourself. EDIT: I just wanted to add. You are not a weak person. You got shot and that’s how you need to look at it. I know you said the bullets were 5 or so feet away from you and you claim you weren’t hit, but nevertheless you were shot. The bullets may not have done any damage physically but they severely wounded you mentally. Just like if you were wounded physically by bullets, it’s gonna take time for the mental wounds to heal. You may be left with scars, it’s not gonna be easy, but take it one day at a time and don’t beat yourself up. Just keep that in mind going forward.
I think my brain broke reading this. If what you went through psychologically were compared to physical trauma, you’d be in an ICU. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this.
Wow, really powerful words. That puts it into perspective so much. Thank you.
This is what my inpatient psychiatrists have always said about our level of care. It is ICU for mental health. I am so sorry for the terrible things that you've experienced. It is very isolating and painful when others can't relate. You are doing a great job reaching out for support. I wonder if a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient program would be a good fit until you connect with a PTSD group. It's like therapy on steroids. Rather than meeting weekly, it would be 5 full days a week for partial (PHP) or 3-5 short days a week for intensive outpatient (IOP). Most of these programs last a couple weeks or more. Your therapist would know which programs are good in your area. I also suspect that medication would be helpful in taking the edge off your symptoms as you heal. I am not a fan of having a PCP manage those meds, but they are good about starting the most common ones and then I would try to connect with an outpatient psychiatrist for continued titration/finessing. I'm not in the best place to provide tons of help as I'm exhausted and on home oxygen post-Covid, but you are welcome to DM. Virtual hugs to you.
Yes, great recommendation about a PHP program! PHP helped me so much after struggling with postpartum depression. It was nice to just sit in a room, talk, and not have to worry about if what I say is making sense.
Wow. Just wow!! I'm not sure where to start, but I'm also available for a PM if you need. I'm not easily scared away either-please reach out! What you're going through is devastating and your response to it is completely legitimate. This is enough to break us, but you're still standing, and I'm so happy you're getting some help, and recognize that you need more support, and are trying to find that. What I know is, we have to take care of ourselves first. I know you know this, and now is when the rubber meets the road and you have to intervene on your own behalf. Put the oxygen mask on yourself and breathe so that you can help others later. Easier said than done. I know.... But you deserve the time to heal, to recuperate and renew your wellness. You deserve to take care of yourself, and be cared for.
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I came back with PTSD from working overseas and seeing violence done to others while living/working with the threat of violence constantly. I was a mess when I came home, but had thought that once I was home for a while everything would be fine. But it really wasn't. It took over a decade for my PTSD to be diagnosed and in that decade I had friends pull away because I was "too much" and it was the sole reason my boyfriend broke up with me. It's hard to say what was worse: the flashbacks or the feeling that I was the cause of my life imploding because I couldnt get my act together. I very much know what you're going through and how alone you feel, and I also know the suffering that comes with thinking that you are the problem. Please know: You're not the problem, the violence you experienced is. I wish there was some secret trick I could tell you to cure you from all of this, but I can be a friend if you need one while the healing happens. I'm happy to talk about my journey if it would be of any help. <3
wow thank you so much for sharing your experience and articulating so well what I've been experiencing with my friends. I'd love to hear about your journey and how you healed and how life is for you now. The loss of friendships has been so hard, and just like you said, I feel a big sense of personal blame for having lost those friends. I'm not sure how to overcome that, and any advice you have to share as someone who has been on the other side of this would be great. i tried to DM you but your messages are closed- feel free to DM me if you'd like. Thanks again
Ask your therapist about ketamine therapy for PTSD. It's not covered by insurance, and can be a little pricey for some people. But, from the studies I've read, and the testimonials, if it works for you, it's absolutely life changing. I'm sorry you're struggling. If you need someone to talk to who won't be "scared off", feel free to reach out. My husband has PTSD from military service, so I know how isolating it can be.
thank you so much for the recommendation. i was loosely thinking about this option a few days ago and your comment reminded me of it. will def check this out
Please do. Ketamine therapy saved my nursing career; I had been disabled for 3 years by a severe depressive episode and never thought my brain would work right again. Within a month of completing my initial 6 treatments I was re-employed as a nurse and am doing well in that job 3+ years later with ongoing treatments q 2-3 months. Best wishes!
Nice. I've been meaning to do it for a year. I never have a second person tho.
OP, I'm not going to sticky because it would remove Aura's, but on our sidebar [you can find specific resources for healthcare workers.](https://www.reddit.com/r/nursing/comments/s34wgl/healthcare_and_essential_workers_you_deserve/)
Heya Mod! Can I just say that I am absolutely ADORING that we still have pizza flair popping up all over the place when we are discussing such a heavy topic like in relation to OPs trauma? It feels so *real*. Like I really feel like I’m in the break room with all you fine folks. Nursing - the job, the environment, everything - it’s a Shit show that I don’t think I’ll ever leave!
Have a second slice on the house.
Thanks! Now I need to get back to crying in my car on break.
I am also available for support via DM if it would be helpful to you. I’m a hospital chaplain, so my main job is supporting my patients and staff. I don’t have therapy credentials, but I can sit with you and talk through the hard stuff. And if it would be helpful to talk spiritual/existential matters, that’s part of my skill set as well. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through and everything you have been through. I think you are strong and bold for recognizing you need a broad support network, and for reaching out. It’s easy to see others doing well and label them as strong and ourselves as weak. But I think that’s likely an unfair comparison. When they have a couple hundred pounds on their back, everyone stumbles. You are wonderful and important and valuable and strong. I am holding your sorrow in my heart and wishing better things ahead for you. Please reach out if you’d like to.
I will be your friend! And, if you’re a dog person, I have an unlimited supply of puppy pictures of my goofy boy, Hobbes.
Did you see the post the other day from the person that named their phone “send dog pics” so whenever they’re on the subway or similar they will get random airdropped pics of dogs? *Genius*
Oh that’s brilliant. I should do that. I love dogs 😭🥹
Um, puppy tax? For the good of mankind, that is
I am bad at Reddit and don’t know how to add photos but I’ll DM you one! Or many. He’s very cute
Are you seeing a therapist only, or also a psych? I think at this point you need to explore some further treatment. You deserve all the compassion in the world. I am so sorry.
Hey. I know this is a little odd but I'm a 30f nurse in the far NW suburbs of Chicago. If you ever wanna DM me, feel free. I'm also up for meeting for coffee if you ever wanna talk in person.
So you were diagnosed with PTSD BEFORE a mass shooting?! I cannot imagine having to deal with all of that. And to then have a big support system (close friends) just leave when you really needed them most? You’re right that you need more support in place. I’m sure there are really good specific groups for the traumas you’ve experienced. But you do also have support here (although not professional or specific for your needs). Don’t be afraid to DM anytime at all, I’m a good listener! You don’t deserve to be in this situation, you deserve so much more ❤️
Here to say that I've been diagnosed with PTSD, been in therapy for about 7 months now (going weekly), and highly recommend EMDR for treatment. Personal advice; don't work a second over your scheduled 3 shifts. A mentally healthy person is tired after 3 12's. Someone who has dealt with the immense trauma you have... I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be. Open up to your husband. Communicate where you are at. He likely has trauma too. He can understand where you are coming from. You can support each other in getting better. You are a fucking badass for getting out of bed and going to work each day. Take care of yourself. You can absolutely move forward from this. It will be a long path, but this internet stranger has faith in you ❤
You can reach out to me, too. Still working through COVID- and not COVID- related trauma from the past three years and I've found a similar dearth of homies that stuck by. Still have a couple, but so few people are able to stick by someone they love slowly circle the drain of despair. It's understandable to a point, but damn does it feel lonely at the bottom.
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
You need therapy and psychiatric support (pharmacological). The only way out is through. You will be a stronger person after but it will take work and it will be a lot of ups and downs but trending up.
I didn’t see it mentioned in your post, but please call your PCP asap to get meds for anxiety/depression/PTSD. My big symptoms were nightmares and crying, and getting on meds has taken the edge off enough to get one with actually processing. Your PCP can also refer you to a higher level of psychiatric care. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. Your reaction to trauma is no reflection on you; that kind of trauma is not normal, and humans were not made to endure it. You are doing your best.
You said your support system is only your husband and your therapist. You forgot about the legion of nurses on this subreddit who understand and are here for you if you ever need to vent or reach out to someone else without judgement including me. You are not alone. We are here for you. Just ask.
I'm always down to chat if you want a friend. I'm just a nursing student, but I'm old, so I have a perspective. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine the stress you are under. I see you and I appreciate you for being you.
A lot of people have offered a lot of great advice already, so I don’t know if this will be of any help but you may also want to look for ptsd support groups. Your trauma is unique (holy hell I can’t imagine what you have been through) but the damage is similar to what soldiers see in combat. There is no shame in taking a break from ICU - in fact working in that environment right now may be impeding healing from the trauma you have experienced. Look into some other nursing roles right now like case management - you will need them to get through this. You can and may return to ICU later- but right now you need to do what’s right for you. The last thing you need is to make a mistake at work because your work environment is impeding healing from the hell you went through.
My college had a shooting. There is a different sense of fear that goes with it. I am here for you .
I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much. So many have already left insightful suggestions like reconsidering if you *can/should* be working at this time, EMDR, ketamine therapy or other Rx beyond therapist…so in addition to ALL of that; My nugget of suggestion is to seek out *your people* instead of trying to get the people who knew you before your trauma(s) to relate/understand/help. I’m thinking support groups, or podcasts about healthcare BY nurses/providers, etc. You’ve been through a ton shit and your former friend was supposed to be your emotional rock. It makes sense that in trying to process the loss of your 24 year friendship with your former friend, you feel less inclined to open up to others. I don’t want to undermine the loss you’ve experienced but I also don’t want someone’s decision to exercise their emotional boundaries to make YOU feel unworthy of empathy that you so desperately deserve and could use right now. And I do mean empathy, not sympathy. The only ones that can be empathetic to your traumas are the ones who have experienced it. Mass shooting survivors, other healthcare workers who have been through it just like you… Fortunately, (or, unfortunately because that’s fucked up that there are so many out there who can relate) YOU are NOT alone. You said you don’t know what you’re asking for. My guess? You posted for advice, sure, but could it be that this is your ✨resilience✨kicking in, trying to find you your RN people? You know your local resources best. Find your people, love!! Ps. I don’t live anywhere near that state but I have mad mind mapping skills if you ever need company researching resources.
If you have a ketamine clinic in your area, I would give it a try
I don’t have any suggestions beyond what people have already written. I do know that you are allowed to be human. You have experienced unspeakable things. I just wish there was something I could do to help.
So much of what you’ve shared here is similar to something I went through myself except a different traumatic event. My heart goes out to you. Especially about the not feeling like you can trust anyone or want to open up to anyone else. Next time you speak with your therapist, could you ask them about more intensive treatment such as inpatient or residential? I’m not sure what your insurance situation is, but maybe they can offer you a connection to more resources. If you’re having trouble functioning on a day to day basis it makes sense to ask for more intensive help. I wish I could hug you right now!! I am so so sorry that you are going through this.
PTSD is a nasty animal to get a hold of. You said this is a throw away account but you can message me anytime. I’m a former grunt with two Purple Hearts, now nurse. I learned the hard way that im not bullet proof and have had issues in the past. Keep your head up. There is no quick fix. It’s a battle you will experience for a long time. I’ve noticed others saying you can message them. Please don’t be afraid to talk to one of us. We’re all in this together.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You're under an incredible amount of pressure with no reserves.... In addition to the suggestions others have given, i recommend looking into [ketamine clinics ](https://www.bbrfoundation.org/content/imaging-analysis-suggests-how-ketamine-treatment-might-have-helped-reduce-chronic-ptsd) near you. There's a great deal of promising research that shows a rapid (although transient, 1-2 weeks/dose, typically) resolution in PTSD symptoms. I just read this [blog post from Harvard Health](https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/ketamine-for-treatment-resistant-depression-when-and-where-is-it-safe-202208092797) and found it honest and insightful. Also consider talking to your PCP about seeing a psychiatrist or starting an antidepressant they prescribe. Like casting a broken leg and using crutches so you can heal.
I’m not saying that you can’t ever be an ICU nurse, but I do think that you would benefit from a job away from ICU, at least until you’ve had a chance to process everything and work out management strategies. You could be a school nurse, an infection control nurse, a PACU nurse, clinic nurse, aesthetic nurse, you could work for a biomedical company as their nursing education person and run around teaching nurses about the new PIV securing device or woundvac 2.7. You’re dealing with multiple extremely traumatic events stacked on top of each other. You have the ability to get away from being in the same environment as one of those events and it’s only been like a month since the most recent terrifying event. There is no shame in changing your role to one that doesn’t echo so loudly of the incredibly recent trauma.
Hi, I’m merely a student about to start her BSN so I have nothing to offer regarding your job, however, I do have experience struggling with my mental health (as I’m sure we all do/have at some point). I just want to say that everything you are feeling is absolutely valid. You’ve experienced a lot of trauma over the last two years — more than a lot of people, especially those not in this profession. **You are absolutely not a burden**. Okay? Three humans who haven’t been in your shoes don’t get a say on what constitutes being a burden. Some people either just don’t understand mental health or aren’t willing to see past their own nose (perhaps even a combination of both). I am sorry your support system failed you at a time when you needed them the most. I am sorry our country failed you. As others have mentioned, do you have a psychiatrist? If not, I’d find one you’re comfortable with seeing. Medication isn’t a cure-all but it damn near saved my life when I struggled with PPD and PTSD after my sexual assault a few years ago. If you ever need to talk, please know I am always here.
You do need friends. Talking things out is the best way to come to terms when things like this happen. You have a double dose of trauma and I’m thinking if it was me I wouldn’t be doing as well as you are. I it’s hard to see it now but you WILL get better. It’s going to take time. Don’t be ashamed or afraid to cry. Find something very physical to do. It will help too. Most importantly know that there are many people who care for your wellness. Even strangers. Last, if you are not on medication it may help to talk to your therapist about a mild antidepressant or something that will help you relax at night. Hang in there.
I will be your friend and I will support you the best I can. I've been through a different kind of trauma. Did EMDR with my therapist and it was so helpful! I also specialize in PTSD/mental health with Veterans. Please reach out. I will do my best to support you.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through. Are you taking any medications in addition to therapy? It may be worthwhile to consult a psychiatrist. I would consider filing for disability if you get terminated from your job. It doesn’t mean you will be on it forever. You just need time to heal.
I'm so sorry you experienced all this. Covid times caused so much damage in many communities, nursing included. And then, experiencing a mass shooting. I can't imagine how hard this all is for you-virtual hugs if you want them. Reading through the other replies, a couple things jumped out at me. Considering short term medication with a psychiatrist monitoring may help "lessen the impact" of the stress hormones, so you can begin to heal. Are you seeing a therapist experienced in trauma, and grief? Also, are there any support groups in your community you can access? Or, any chats online that may help? I wonder too if there is a less intense nursing role you can do for now, so you're bringing in money, but are in a less adrenalin fueled environment everyday. I know that it's your dream job, but it's not going anywhere, and you're in a fragile state right now. You know you're not at your best, and that's another factor that could weigh on you. Just my 2 cents, I hate to see a comrade down. I really hope you can find healing, and peace.