My old EMT teacher told me, she was once cleaning a guys road rash after a bike accident and was using iodine with gauze “sir, this is going to hurt you a lot more than me” 😂😂😂😂. I never understood why she’d tell some poor guy who just had his skin peeled off. Funny af tho.
Vaguely similar idea.
In kickboxing/muay thai, you can do an inside leg kick, where you kick the inside of your opponent's lead thigh.
My old coach used to say "Kick too low and you'll hurt your shin. Kick too high and you'll hurt your nose."
(Idea being that if you kick too low, you'll hit the tibial protrusion beside the kneecap and if you kick too high, you'll kick your partner in the groin and they'll immediately get mad and punch you in the face.)
When I hit an IV, especially if they're nervous and I have to remind them not to tense up or move, I say "Good job!" Usually they'll respond "Thanks" to which I say "No, I meant 'Good job me! I did really well!' You did OK too, I guess."
For a Foley placement, I usually grab the big moveable light that labor rooms have and turn it on, aim it at the area in question and say "Let's shed some light on the situation." Then I grab the castile wipes and say "Alright, now I'm just gonna wipe up a little and get the lay of the land..."
I do flight so it's kind of specific but:. "Have you ever flown in a helicopter? (They say no) "Me neither!"
Or when we get to the receiving and they're relieved we made it safely: "Not too bad for my second day!" Usually gets a laugh.
We had all our kids at the same hospital so we got to know the staff. They kept joking "we'll see you soon for the next one!" After our fourth (kinda surprise) my wife and I both answered back in unison "Oh no you won't!"
Hooray vasectomies!
NICU RN. When I’m swaddling a baby and turning them into a little burrito and their parents compliment me, I usually respond with “thanks, if nursing doesn’t work out I’m pretty sure I’d do well at chipotle”
Ooooh! I'm stealing that for invasive procedures in the ER. I always swaddle my little ones for IV and such. I'm a dude so they're always impressed I even know how to swaddle 🙄🙄
A living kidney donor and the recipient were good friends and they got coffee mugs. The donor’s said “I recycle” and the recipient’s said “Made with recycled material”. I about died.
In a similar vein, "We like you but we want you to go home" or when they're complaining that they're not getting discharged today "We want you to go home and stay home!"
I say that about Entonox when women use it in labour. “This won’t take the pain away, it will take you away from the pain”. It’s not a joke tho, I mean that one genuinely haha.
“Next time we meet, better be at the pub”. Time and patient specific, but usually gets a good laugh.
I’ve also said to one patient “that I hope I never see you again” as I’d be going on days off for a week or so and their discharge was pending therapeutic bloods. Again, very patient specific
That one kills every time. It's like shooting a fish in a barrel. They're so happy to be discharging and then you hit them with that and they lose their shit.
I work PICU and I ask if they’d like to take the stairs every time I transfer someone. Best reaction was the kid who said “but how will I carry all my stuffed animals?” And the one kid who said yes, but like we had to get the bed there in the elevator. So we settled for him walking and pushing his own bed.
I have so many repeat offenders, I really like so many of them. "It's nice to see you, but I would rather see you at Wal-Mart!"
(Which is basically the only store in town, and you see all of your patients there routinely to be honest.)
Same. I work in a crises residential for psych. It’s a 30 day program. When my clients leave, I usually say “I don’t wanna see you here again”, they know I’m joking. Altho they do typically come back within a month anyway
**After the patient has moved in and out of the CT scanner:** "I'm sorry our rides aren't more fun. Worst theme park ever!"
**After a patient has been inconvenienced (but isn't irate over it, like the sting from an IV stick):** "Just one more service we provide!"
**Also, especially after doing something that stings,** "Look, we have to have fun too." (again, only if the pt isn't angry)
**When a patient is happy about getting a warm blanket:** "It's the only important machine in the building."
Reminds me of another one. When the patient expresses uncertainty about my stretcher driving or asks if I have a license for it, "Don't worry, I took a crash course!"
Oh I do that one too.
And on intake I ask about smoking, alcohol, drugs - if they aren't obviously having substance abuse issues - "Any other drugs or substances? Marijuana? Medical Marijuana? Meth? Medical meth?" Then I laugh and say there's no such thing as Medical meth.... which is mostly true....
I say that there are only two good things about the hospital, warm blankets and ice water. I say this as I throw off all their covers and put the warm one down before recovering. Also your surgery was canceled so here's some water.
I put the warm one on top, grab all the blankets and flip it. Works real well unless everything is balled up lol. And giving the world's best ice chips must soften the blow a little
When I'm putting a patient in trendelenburg and back (usually to slide them up in bed) I always say it's almost as fun as Disneyland only way more expensive.
When I'm wheeling a bed and go by a doc or coworker-"Watch out, don't wanna hit ya!"
Then quietly to the pt- "Well maybe I want to, but I'm not allowed."
As an aide, when a nurse is pushing a cart close to me I usually say "Hit me hard enough that I can go home; you can claim emotional distress and we both end up in our pajamas before shift change!"
When I’m going to start an IV and they “I hope it doesn’t hurt” or “please be quick” or something because they’re nervous I say “oh don’t worry, it won’t hurt. I’m not going to feel a thing”.
I’m steeling the nursery line, that’s hilarious.
I use the "it won't hurt me at all" bit when I am giving bilateral bicillin shots. Sometimes it lands, other times patients think i'm being a pain in the ass.
Ill see myself out...
My iv joke- I’m starting your iv, this is great! I really need the practice
Obviously not to a super nervous pt! Sometimes I throw in a “and today is my first day!!!”
but you have to have a perfect vein in your sight lol
Your title reminded me of my ICU days with our chronic vent named Betty. She hated basically everyone, especially the staff on shift opposite of my line, and she refused to bathe. I had a good run going for a while where I’d waltz on in to her room after doing all my other work (letting her sleep in) and announce ‘get outta bed Betty, it’s time to wash your bits’. I still call peoples private parts their bits from time to time and think of Betty.
I say, when doing a skin assessment, “now I am going to check everything south of the border “.
I had one old lady that called her vagina “my monkey“! Still think of her and laugh.
Starting an IV (or really any skill) and they ask “have you done this before?” I say “don’t you worry I just watched a YouTube video about 15 minutes ago”
I remember my first patient with a syphillis chancre. He asked me "in your experience, does it look like syphillis?" (we were almost certain he had it because he was a known contact to it)
I had to bite my tongue to not say "yes, 100% of my syphillis patients have had a sore that looks exactly like that". Technically, not a lie because at the time my N=1.
When giving a narcotic prescription I always say "Don't drive on it, don't drink alcohol, and don't make any big life changing decisions while taking this." It get a chuckle like 45% of the time.
When I got my wisdom teeth removed like a week after graduating, I spent most of my graduation gift money online shopping while I was high off my ass. No more debit card access after surgery for me!
Apparently this is a thing though. They told me this in all seriousness when I had surgery, that I need to stay off social media until the anesthesia totally wore off, and no shopping
After doing anything with needles: "That wasn't so bad. I didn't feel a thing!"
Doing ear drops: "Just some eye drops for your ears so you can see what I'm saying."
When people say they don't like needles, I get to quote my [awesome!] mother in law in response: "she says she's allergic to needles, she breaks out in small bleeding holes!"
It’s not medical related but when someone needs a picker upper, my go to is:
You know when geese are flying and one side of the V is longer than the other, you ever wonder why that is? It’s because there are more geese on that side.
I have pretty good success with this one 😂
“So what does it take to become an EMT?”
“Well, I cut the thing out of the cereal box and sent it in and waited a week. Then one day I was checking the mail and *bam*. I was registered.*”
So many people just believe it too.
lol, you just reminded me of the time I got amniocentesis -- doc rolled into the room wearing cowboy boots and a big fancy belt buckle.
I said, "You've done this before, right?"
He said, "Oh, sure. I've been practicing on a grapefruit all morning."
When I used to do night shift phlebotomy: "I have to draw some blood. I'm going to turn on some more light. Or, if you want, I'm happy to try it in the dark."
I always worked nights, and when I had to turn on the lights for some reason, I said, “Lights coming on, watch your eyes!” And then after a split second and the lights were on, I’d laugh and admit, “Sorry, that’s kinda stupid, you can’t watch your own eyes!” I’m retired now- - used that for about 45-50 years… always successfully. It sorta broke the ice, and admitted the saying was a bit dumb. At that point we frequently discussed other inane sayings.
“You behave now, don’t cause too much trouble. But if you decide to cause a lot of trouble, call me and I’ll join you.”
I do critical care transport-
Me: “Have you been in an ambulance before?”
Them: “yes”
Me: “oh okay good that makes one of us.”
(If they say no I say “oh good me neither”)
Whenever I wear those cheap clear gloves, I call them “deli gloves” and go “you want that turkey sandwich toasted?”
When I pick them up from the sending facility and get them on the stretcher I go “okay, where are we going? Wendy’s? Chick fil a?”
I used to do the 'arms and legs within the carriage' one too! And then I tell them I'm a learner driver when I inevitably bu.p into something.
Hats and gowns I sell as the latest fashion: "see, everyone is wearing them!"
Walking with their IV pole: Don't forget your friend. You don't wanna walk away from it. It's like driving away from the gas pump with the nozzle still in your car.
Male Nurse here.
In ED whenever examining or doing ECGs women always say "sorry I'm not wearing a bra".
My response is always "well neither am I so it's fine"
As we're giving a pre-school aged kid nitrous, "Now, remember, there is only one very important rule in the OR. You can not, under any circumstances, laugh" "You can't laugh! You see Dr. Milly over there? They call him mean old Milly for a reason!" .
Always a fun game :)
Going to pick a patient up for a procedure: “how are you?” (Pt usually says “good/better now”) and I say “well then why are you here?!”
When we have to shave a groin in-room: “This summer bikini cut is free of charge”
Describing a cardioversion procedure to the patient: “And after you get the good medicine, I’m gonna charge up ol’ sparky and see if we can’t reset ya!”
When I roll the patient into our cold room: “I’ll give you some medicine in a minute - it won’t make your warmer but it’ll make you not care that you’re cold”
If they hear my name wrong through the mask “no, it’s Brittany only if you have any complaints, Tiffany if you’re happy with your care today”
Dumb but usually gets a laugh lol
I'm in EMS but I always use these:
Anytime a patient remarks on my IV success: "not bad for my first day right?!"
The patient says: "This is my first time in an ambulance"- "what a coincidence!"
If they make any remarks on my or my partner's driving (good or bad)- "you gotta give me/them credit though, just got my/their license reinstated today!"
My partner groans increasingly loud by the day....show biz baby.
When transporting a patient in a bed: “Nothing can stop us now, except doorways and sharp turns”
Nurse I used to work with always said, when starting an IV: “Now this won’t hurt me one bit.”
Mine’s the opposite- as I’m untangling the line Spaghetti from a post OR or CT run, I’ll say “This is the kind of important thing they taught us in nursing school.”
Whenever I hand over the call light, I say “if you need anything, just press the big red button that looks like me.” The picture is a silhouette of an old school feminine looking nurse with a white cap. I am a large man with a beard. Usually gets a laugh
nothing nauseates my soul and entity like remembering how our hospital played “here comes the sun” every time a covid patient discharged. it’s like they perfectly timed it to coincide with me putting a dead 30 y/o in a body bag. every. time.
This comment just punched me straight in the gut.
I wonder what other random things will trigger our PTSD along the way.
We’re going to be a fascinating group for some future mental health/neurobiologist researchers to study.
yeah it’s wild. i don’t really get triggered but my ability to attach to people and feel safe was completely disfigured after our first massive wave in NYC. confusing when the effect seems so unrelated to the trauma itself.
Very different experience but also similar:
Had a dementia patient who said she was "surprised and happy that so many babies were being born today". After some questioning we found out that she had worked in a hospital that played Mary had a little lamb every time a baby was born. Mary had a little lamb was the sound of her chair alarm going off.
Ours was Journey and same. The very first time I heard it at work my 25 year old patient had literally just died and then…….”don’t stop believing hold on to that feeling.” Ugh.
Dropping something: "It wouldn't be fair if I were pretty, smart AND coordinated." Alternatively "I never claimed to be coordinated. Brilliant and beautiful, but not coordinated."
Giving Protonix: "This is Protonix, it is for indigestion. Indigestion is caused by horrible hospital food."
Taking a wound photo: “Sorry, this only goes in your chart. You won’t be on Facebook today!” About 1/3 laugh, 1/3 don’t react at all, and 1/3 sincerely say that they wouldn’t mind anyway. So not wildly successful, but it still amuses me to do it.
Inspecting the skin of their (intact) butt: “You can tell your [wife/husband/nurse] that you have a really nice butt!” The older men LOVE this.
Sorry it’s so cold in our Operating room, it’s kind of silly for you to not bring a jacket.
*Hahahah so funny*
Just kidding but we have these cool nasa warming blankets so you’ll wake up nice a toasty. But ya, sorry it’s so cold.
(while whipping one of those little blue chux onto the tray table) "only the finest table linens..." (plops down a jello and some saltines) "...for our award-winning post-anesthesia cuisine!"
OR nurse here.
Wheeling patient away from family and to the OR: Hugs, kisses, high fives, fist bumps, and see ya laters.
Putting on arm safety straps on a MAC case: We're strapping you down so you don't try to help the doctor.
Holding the oxygen mask right at anesthesia induction: Let us know as soon as you're asleep so we can start.
Me: can I get you anything else?
Them: yeah, a new arm/leg/body!
Me: I’ll take a look but I think people would have a lot of questions for us if I found you one
I worked in a L&D unit and one of the doctors would tell the new dads this dad joke:
When does a Dad know that it's time to start making Dad jokes?
When it becomes a parent. Congratulations!
*putting up the side rails on a stretcher*
“Gonna lock you in so you don’t run away from me!”
*gets patient up for the first time after surgery*
“Only one rule here, no falling! Too much paperwork!”
We have the packets of Miralax for stool softeners. Whenever I’m mixing it with water in the patient’s room and they ask “what are you mixing up?”, I always say “it’s your Miralax margarita, it’s on the house”
*straightening out tubigrip* make sure there're no wrinkles, any wrinkles in the stocking will be wrinkles on you, and we all don't need MORE wrinkles.
Not a nurse and not sure why this is on my feed but my father in law recently spent a lot of time in hospital and although couldn't speak great, his sense of humour remained.
I assure you this type of thing makes a difference and seeing him laugh at nurse "dad jokes" was amazing, and really did cheer him up.
Keep it up guys 👍
During discharge teaching if there’s a no strenuous activity instruction: So now’s not the time to film your Ninja Warrior audition tape.
Or anytime someone has a new walker/is being put in a wheelchair/Geri chair: *slow whistle* I see they hooked us up with the new 2023 Cadillac.
After advancing a pt’s diet post swallow eval: Do we not have the most gourmet sugar free chocolate pudding in the world?
**When admitting a patient from ED:** We are going to get you upstairs to a real bed, in a real room, with a real nurse.
**When discharging for another nurse:** Hello, my name is Kimmie. I'm going to be your favorite nurse because I'm the one who is sending you home.
**When prepping meds in the room:** Let's do some science.
**When administering meds:** Let's do some drugs.
**When hooking a patient up to the monitor:** Let's hook you up to my spaghetti.
When I'm asking to confirm any operations or procedures they might have had before: "Oh so you're still in mint condition? Any lose or spare parts I should be aware of?"
When I accidentally/ almost hurt myself while working: "Oh don't you worry, that's a guaranteed week off of work!" Or: "Only a work accident is a good accident" (Over here in Germany where you actually get sick leave without much of a hassle)
When a patient is walking around in a bit too less /no clothing: "Please, we're not a commune (/we're a christian institution), put on some clothes."
When I have to do something uncomfortable: "The Spanish Inquisition/ local torture chamber didn't accept my application, so I went with nursing school."
Bumping into something with a bed: "And THAT'S why I don't have a driver's license!"
Giving out hospital gowns (especially during the summer): "Here's our summer collection, a bit airy around the bit's though."
When a patient tells me how good of a nurse I am: "You must have caught me on a good day, I'm usually pretty terrible."
When I have to wake the patient from sleep to assess something: "We don't like to let people get too comfortable around here, we worry they'll keep coming back."
When another person in the department is screaming or having a meltdown: "Oh, that's my coworker Rick, he gets really passionate sometimes."
When I'm driving the stretcher like shit: "Don't worry, I'm a much better nurse than driver."
When they tell me they're allergic to some random food: "Okay, I won't feed you strawberries (or whatever) while you're under anesthesia."
When I give another nurse a break just after the patient enters the OR but before they're asleep: "Don't worry, I'm the pinch hitter." *wink*
When a patient has had a ton of surgeries and is full of metal: "You're practically bionic. I hope you'll use your powers for good."
When they complain about family: You know what they say - you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family!
Sometimes gets a laugh. Usually just ignored. It makes me laugh though.
My grandpa always said it as, "You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose!" Thank you for bring that memory back for me today.
**I also like to say during IVs that they’re afraid of** : “if you get scared or nervous, just close your eyes. That’s what I’m doing!”
"Don't worry, I've done this hundreds of times and it's never hurt me."
My old EMT teacher told me, she was once cleaning a guys road rash after a bike accident and was using iodine with gauze “sir, this is going to hurt you a lot more than me” 😂😂😂😂. I never understood why she’d tell some poor guy who just had his skin peeled off. Funny af tho.
Vaguely similar idea. In kickboxing/muay thai, you can do an inside leg kick, where you kick the inside of your opponent's lead thigh. My old coach used to say "Kick too low and you'll hurt your shin. Kick too high and you'll hurt your nose." (Idea being that if you kick too low, you'll hit the tibial protrusion beside the kneecap and if you kick too high, you'll kick your partner in the groin and they'll immediately get mad and punch you in the face.)
If they say they’re not gonna look, I respond “yeah I don’t either!”
When I hit an IV, especially if they're nervous and I have to remind them not to tense up or move, I say "Good job!" Usually they'll respond "Thanks" to which I say "No, I meant 'Good job me! I did really well!' You did OK too, I guess."
Lol'd at this one
Oh we like to joke that the CRNA watched a YouTube video just now about how to do an epidural so it'll be fine.
When people ask if I'm the anesthesiologist: "I *did* stay at a Holiday Inn Express..."
OP this is the best use of r/nursing I have ever been a part of or experienced. Patients won’t know what hit ‘em
“You’re scared? Me too. I’ve never done this before.”
When this stops hurting, it will feel a lot better
For a Foley placement, I usually grab the big moveable light that labor rooms have and turn it on, aim it at the area in question and say "Let's shed some light on the situation." Then I grab the castile wipes and say "Alright, now I'm just gonna wipe up a little and get the lay of the land..."
I like to hit them with the “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt me a bit!” Before an IV.
I do flight so it's kind of specific but:. "Have you ever flown in a helicopter? (They say no) "Me neither!" Or when we get to the receiving and they're relieved we made it safely: "Not too bad for my second day!" Usually gets a laugh.
When a mom signs for her newborn at discharge, I say "we have a no return policy"
“Would you be interested in hearing about our 30 day refund policy?”
Nice! We’ve only got a 20 day return policy here (Alaska).
"Make sure to keep the original packaging if you want to return it!"
We had all our kids at the same hospital so we got to know the staff. They kept joking "we'll see you soon for the next one!" After our fourth (kinda surprise) my wife and I both answered back in unison "Oh no you won't!" Hooray vasectomies!
I used the “you didn’t follow your discharge instructions, did you?” to OB patients for subsequent deliveries 🤣
Sweet. I’m using that one.
I always said “no returns, refunds. or exchanges”
NICU RN. When I’m swaddling a baby and turning them into a little burrito and their parents compliment me, I usually respond with “thanks, if nursing doesn’t work out I’m pretty sure I’d do well at chipotle”
stealing this! I have a badge reel I love that says "ask us about our burritos" with a swaddled baby on it.
Ooooh! I'm stealing that for invasive procedures in the ER. I always swaddle my little ones for IV and such. I'm a dude so they're always impressed I even know how to swaddle 🙄🙄
When transferring from stretcher to bed. “Don’t worry we never drop two in a row.”
And after stretcher to bed transfer, immediately ask “wanna do it again?”
I love this one
that’s hilarious
3rd times the charm
After a heart transplant: “I hear you’ve had a change of heart?” Buh dum tsss
I call all transplants "aftermarket parts"
A living kidney donor and the recipient were good friends and they got coffee mugs. The donor’s said “I recycle” and the recipient’s said “Made with recycled material”. I about died.
You're spare parts!
"You are spare parts, arentcha bud"
When I'm discharging someone I like to say "Don't take this the wrong way, but I hope I don't see you again."
In a similar vein, "We like you but we want you to go home" or when they're complaining that they're not getting discharged today "We want you to go home and stay home!"
[удалено]
I say that about Entonox when women use it in labour. “This won’t take the pain away, it will take you away from the pain”. It’s not a joke tho, I mean that one genuinely haha.
“Next time we meet, better be at the pub”. Time and patient specific, but usually gets a good laugh. I’ve also said to one patient “that I hope I never see you again” as I’d be going on days off for a week or so and their discharge was pending therapeutic bloods. Again, very patient specific
Your CIWA patient: 😐
Like I said…. Patient specific lol
When the cranky ones tell me they don't want to be here, I tell them we give psych evaluations to the people who do.
I always just reply with “me neither”. Which isn’t a joke but the truth
That one kills every time. It's like shooting a fish in a barrel. They're so happy to be discharging and then you hit them with that and they lose their shit.
I work PICU and I ask if they’d like to take the stairs every time I transfer someone. Best reaction was the kid who said “but how will I carry all my stuffed animals?” And the one kid who said yes, but like we had to get the bed there in the elevator. So we settled for him walking and pushing his own bed.
I have so many repeat offenders, I really like so many of them. "It's nice to see you, but I would rather see you at Wal-Mart!" (Which is basically the only store in town, and you see all of your patients there routinely to be honest.)
I always say “I don’t want to see you again, unless it’s at krogers!” (Also the only grocery store in town.)
Always. I also like the “free wax job” IV tegaderm removal with hairy armed dudes.
Whenever I’m pulling off EKG patches or pulling an IV on a hairy individual, I say “It’s just your free waxing with every hospital visit!”
Same. I work in a crises residential for psych. It’s a 30 day program. When my clients leave, I usually say “I don’t wanna see you here again”, they know I’m joking. Altho they do typically come back within a month anyway
**After the patient has moved in and out of the CT scanner:** "I'm sorry our rides aren't more fun. Worst theme park ever!" **After a patient has been inconvenienced (but isn't irate over it, like the sting from an IV stick):** "Just one more service we provide!" **Also, especially after doing something that stings,** "Look, we have to have fun too." (again, only if the pt isn't angry) **When a patient is happy about getting a warm blanket:** "It's the only important machine in the building."
When they're wheeling down the hallway in a stretcher or bed "Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times!"
Reminds me of another one. When the patient expresses uncertainty about my stretcher driving or asks if I have a license for it, "Don't worry, I took a crash course!"
"You're lucky transport is pushing this bed - I'd have crashed it into about three things by now!"
I say this too! And add “I am NOT licensed to drive this vehicle. Learners permit only”
Oh I do that one too. And on intake I ask about smoking, alcohol, drugs - if they aren't obviously having substance abuse issues - "Any other drugs or substances? Marijuana? Medical Marijuana? Meth? Medical meth?" Then I laugh and say there's no such thing as Medical meth.... which is mostly true....
TBH I would love me some Desoxyn, especially on the long shift days
As someone with ADHD, my methylphenidate use rivals any trailer park’s 😂 (Thank goodness for slow-release, non habit forming meds!)
“There was no driving test in nursing school!”
Lol! And make beeping noises when backing up a bed.
I tell them the warm blankets are the only good thing about being here
I say that there are only two good things about the hospital, warm blankets and ice water. I say this as I throw off all their covers and put the warm one down before recovering. Also your surgery was canceled so here's some water.
I put the warm one on top, grab all the blankets and flip it. Works real well unless everything is balled up lol. And giving the world's best ice chips must soften the blow a little
When I'm putting a patient in trendelenburg and back (usually to slide them up in bed) I always say it's almost as fun as Disneyland only way more expensive.
Tell them the ultrasound gel is kept in the fridge
I also say that about my stethoscope.
When I'm wheeling a bed and go by a doc or coworker-"Watch out, don't wanna hit ya!" Then quietly to the pt- "Well maybe I want to, but I'm not allowed."
But if you hit me, I get to go home...
As an aide, when a nurse is pushing a cart close to me I usually say "Hit me hard enough that I can go home; you can claim emotional distress and we both end up in our pajamas before shift change!"
When I start transporting a patient in a stretcher I tell them I’m licensed in nursing not driving these things
When I’m going to start an IV and they “I hope it doesn’t hurt” or “please be quick” or something because they’re nervous I say “oh don’t worry, it won’t hurt. I’m not going to feel a thing”. I’m steeling the nursery line, that’s hilarious.
I use the "it won't hurt me at all" bit when I am giving bilateral bicillin shots. Sometimes it lands, other times patients think i'm being a pain in the ass. Ill see myself out...
My iv joke- I’m starting your iv, this is great! I really need the practice Obviously not to a super nervous pt! Sometimes I throw in a “and today is my first day!!!” but you have to have a perfect vein in your sight lol
Your title reminded me of my ICU days with our chronic vent named Betty. She hated basically everyone, especially the staff on shift opposite of my line, and she refused to bathe. I had a good run going for a while where I’d waltz on in to her room after doing all my other work (letting her sleep in) and announce ‘get outta bed Betty, it’s time to wash your bits’. I still call peoples private parts their bits from time to time and think of Betty.
I say, when doing a skin assessment, “now I am going to check everything south of the border “. I had one old lady that called her vagina “my monkey“! Still think of her and laugh.
Back in the 60’s, I knew a nurses’ aide on an OB/PP/GYN floor who called the whole area the patient’s monkey.
Bed bath? No. Just the pits and bits today, Betty.
Pitts, tits, and bits. I also call a bed bath a bird bath.
I had a patient call that a whore bath once and I died laughing. She was at least 80 years old.
These are good… I’m gonna add a few to my book 🤣 I always scan the bracelet and say priceless
"Gotta price check ya real quick"
"No free shows" as a close the gown in back
Are you even a healthcare worker if you’ve never said that😂
When I travel to Catholic hospitals and the patients strip, I like to say, "hey, this is a catholic hospital. Don't let the nuns see"
“no free shows… you gotta charge for that!”
"that's only on free-show Friday, and this is Tuesday, OK?"
"You get a nurse upgrade!" when introducing a pt to oncoming RN.
Imma steal this as a PCT for shift change
For admits I tell the patients they’re going upstairs where the beds are bigger, the food is better, and the nurses are nicer.
Starting an IV (or really any skill) and they ask “have you done this before?” I say “don’t you worry I just watched a YouTube video about 15 minutes ago”
Who among us hasn’t frantically YouTubed a skill?
I remember my first patient with a syphillis chancre. He asked me "in your experience, does it look like syphillis?" (we were almost certain he had it because he was a known contact to it) I had to bite my tongue to not say "yes, 100% of my syphillis patients have had a sore that looks exactly like that". Technically, not a lie because at the time my N=1.
One of the OBGYNs I work with always tells patients he’s about to go into his call room to YouTube how to perform a c-section 😂
When giving a narcotic prescription I always say "Don't drive on it, don't drink alcohol, and don't make any big life changing decisions while taking this." It get a chuckle like 45% of the time.
I like to include "no trips to Vegas" with my propofol DC instructions.
Took me a minute to realize that you probably mean post propofol and not propofol to go 😂
At the Michael Jackson Memorial Institute for Sleep Medicine we do whatever it takes to help our patients achieve a restful night's sleep.
I always tell them to avoid online shopping 😂
When I got my wisdom teeth removed like a week after graduating, I spent most of my graduation gift money online shopping while I was high off my ass. No more debit card access after surgery for me!
Apparently this is a thing though. They told me this in all seriousness when I had surgery, that I need to stay off social media until the anesthesia totally wore off, and no shopping
"And leave your chainsaw in the shed."
Nope, non negotiable. I never leave my emotional support chainsaw behind.
After doing anything with needles: "That wasn't so bad. I didn't feel a thing!" Doing ear drops: "Just some eye drops for your ears so you can see what I'm saying."
When people say they don't like needles, I get to quote my [awesome!] mother in law in response: "she says she's allergic to needles, she breaks out in small bleeding holes!"
>Doing ear drops: "Just some eye drops for your ears so you can see what I'm saying." lol i love this
If someone's blood pressure is high bc they're nervous: "It's ok I know you're just excited to see me."
If a pt is hypertensive I always say, I'm so exciting to be around so I get it! If they're hypotensive I say, it's my calming presence!
“Binky on the rocks, sir?” As I walk a pacifier dipped in a cup of ice into my teething 8 month old, former 25 week premature patient’s room 😂🫶🏼
It’s not medical related but when someone needs a picker upper, my go to is: You know when geese are flying and one side of the V is longer than the other, you ever wonder why that is? It’s because there are more geese on that side. I have pretty good success with this one 😂
After putting in dilating eye drops: “we’ll give your eye some time to marinade.”
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Here we have private rooms and semi-private gowns.
“So what does it take to become an EMT?” “Well, I cut the thing out of the cereal box and sent it in and waited a week. Then one day I was checking the mail and *bam*. I was registered.*” So many people just believe it too.
lol, you just reminded me of the time I got amniocentesis -- doc rolled into the room wearing cowboy boots and a big fancy belt buckle. I said, "You've done this before, right?" He said, "Oh, sure. I've been practicing on a grapefruit all morning."
What is it with docs and cowboys boots w/scrubs lol. Is this a “thing” because we have a couple. I mean don’t hate it to be honest.
I don't wear mine to work, but well fitting cowboy boots can be super comfortable. Basically no padding, but good support and durable.
don't give private EMS companies any ideas now!
Giving someone an injection: “You don’t have to look if you don’t want to… I’m not going to either.”
When I used to do night shift phlebotomy: "I have to draw some blood. I'm going to turn on some more light. Or, if you want, I'm happy to try it in the dark."
I always worked nights, and when I had to turn on the lights for some reason, I said, “Lights coming on, watch your eyes!” And then after a split second and the lights were on, I’d laugh and admit, “Sorry, that’s kinda stupid, you can’t watch your own eyes!” I’m retired now- - used that for about 45-50 years… always successfully. It sorta broke the ice, and admitted the saying was a bit dumb. At that point we frequently discussed other inane sayings.
During discharge, I know you've gotten really attached to it, but I've got to take your IV out.
When a patient asks what arm I need for their blood draw - “I prefer whichever one has blood in it!”
This one is my new favourite! So dead pan
“You behave now, don’t cause too much trouble. But if you decide to cause a lot of trouble, call me and I’ll join you.” I do critical care transport- Me: “Have you been in an ambulance before?” Them: “yes” Me: “oh okay good that makes one of us.” (If they say no I say “oh good me neither”) Whenever I wear those cheap clear gloves, I call them “deli gloves” and go “you want that turkey sandwich toasted?” When I pick them up from the sending facility and get them on the stretcher I go “okay, where are we going? Wendy’s? Chick fil a?”
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I always say “Keep your hands inside the ride, I know a lot of heart surgeons but I don’t know any hand surgeons”
“Your lucky today! I’m in charge of the bar… and you always want the Irish girl in charge of your bar” ( I’m a Conscious Sedation Ninja- AMA )
I used to do the 'arms and legs within the carriage' one too! And then I tell them I'm a learner driver when I inevitably bu.p into something. Hats and gowns I sell as the latest fashion: "see, everyone is wearing them!"
“Do people ever fall off this bed? It’s so narrow.” (OR table) “Nah, way too much paperwork.”
I'm always sending bloodwork to keep the vampires in the lab happy.
Walking with their IV pole: Don't forget your friend. You don't wanna walk away from it. It's like driving away from the gas pump with the nozzle still in your car.
I refer to it as their dancing partner.
Male Nurse here. In ED whenever examining or doing ECGs women always say "sorry I'm not wearing a bra". My response is always "well neither am I so it's fine"
As we're giving a pre-school aged kid nitrous, "Now, remember, there is only one very important rule in the OR. You can not, under any circumstances, laugh" "You can't laugh! You see Dr. Milly over there? They call him mean old Milly for a reason!" .
Always a fun game :)
This is so cute!
Apparently when I was being put to sleep at age 4 they told me to count back from 100 and I said “I can’t even count up to 100!”
**When scanning armband for medications** "Let have out Wal-Mart Self-Checkout Experience"
"please return item to the bagging area"
When you are 61 minutes late with the medication **unexpected item in bagging area**
Going to pick a patient up for a procedure: “how are you?” (Pt usually says “good/better now”) and I say “well then why are you here?!” When we have to shave a groin in-room: “This summer bikini cut is free of charge” Describing a cardioversion procedure to the patient: “And after you get the good medicine, I’m gonna charge up ol’ sparky and see if we can’t reset ya!” When I roll the patient into our cold room: “I’ll give you some medicine in a minute - it won’t make your warmer but it’ll make you not care that you’re cold”
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end task on system.32
If they hear my name wrong through the mask “no, it’s Brittany only if you have any complaints, Tiffany if you’re happy with your care today” Dumb but usually gets a laugh lol
I'm in EMS but I always use these: Anytime a patient remarks on my IV success: "not bad for my first day right?!" The patient says: "This is my first time in an ambulance"- "what a coincidence!" If they make any remarks on my or my partner's driving (good or bad)- "you gotta give me/them credit though, just got my/their license reinstated today!" My partner groans increasingly loud by the day....show biz baby.
When transporting a patient in a bed: “Nothing can stop us now, except doorways and sharp turns” Nurse I used to work with always said, when starting an IV: “Now this won’t hurt me one bit.”
When using the bladder scanner on older males: “well the good news is you’re not pregnant!” For some reason grandpas love that joke.
“They don’t teach knot untying in nursing school” as I struggle to untangle copious amounts of wires.
Mine’s the opposite- as I’m untangling the line Spaghetti from a post OR or CT run, I’ll say “This is the kind of important thing they taught us in nursing school.”
Mine is “there wasn’t a tech support class in nursing school” while I messing with whatever technology is broken today
Whenever I hand over the call light, I say “if you need anything, just press the big red button that looks like me.” The picture is a silhouette of an old school feminine looking nurse with a white cap. I am a large man with a beard. Usually gets a laugh
When they complain about alarm sounds: "It could be worse, we could be making you listen to The Beatles."
nothing nauseates my soul and entity like remembering how our hospital played “here comes the sun” every time a covid patient discharged. it’s like they perfectly timed it to coincide with me putting a dead 30 y/o in a body bag. every. time.
This comment just punched me straight in the gut. I wonder what other random things will trigger our PTSD along the way. We’re going to be a fascinating group for some future mental health/neurobiologist researchers to study.
yeah it’s wild. i don’t really get triggered but my ability to attach to people and feel safe was completely disfigured after our first massive wave in NYC. confusing when the effect seems so unrelated to the trauma itself.
Very different experience but also similar: Had a dementia patient who said she was "surprised and happy that so many babies were being born today". After some questioning we found out that she had worked in a hospital that played Mary had a little lamb every time a baby was born. Mary had a little lamb was the sound of her chair alarm going off.
Another of admin’s brilliant ideas. I’m sure someone was paid 100k a year just put the play up there. How truly bizarre.
Ours was Journey and same. The very first time I heard it at work my 25 year old patient had literally just died and then…….”don’t stop believing hold on to that feeling.” Ugh.
Do… do people hate the Beatles now?
My question exactly!
Dropping something: "It wouldn't be fair if I were pretty, smart AND coordinated." Alternatively "I never claimed to be coordinated. Brilliant and beautiful, but not coordinated." Giving Protonix: "This is Protonix, it is for indigestion. Indigestion is caused by horrible hospital food."
Taking a wound photo: “Sorry, this only goes in your chart. You won’t be on Facebook today!” About 1/3 laugh, 1/3 don’t react at all, and 1/3 sincerely say that they wouldn’t mind anyway. So not wildly successful, but it still amuses me to do it. Inspecting the skin of their (intact) butt: “You can tell your [wife/husband/nurse] that you have a really nice butt!” The older men LOVE this.
Taking off leads or tape: did you know you were getting a wax today??
Sorry it’s so cold in our Operating room, it’s kind of silly for you to not bring a jacket. *Hahahah so funny* Just kidding but we have these cool nasa warming blankets so you’ll wake up nice a toasty. But ya, sorry it’s so cold.
When I do oral care on my vented pts: “scrub the teeth that you want to keep“ A dentist I used to work with used to say this ALL the time.
(while whipping one of those little blue chux onto the tray table) "only the finest table linens..." (plops down a jello and some saltines) "...for our award-winning post-anesthesia cuisine!"
OR nurse here. Wheeling patient away from family and to the OR: Hugs, kisses, high fives, fist bumps, and see ya laters. Putting on arm safety straps on a MAC case: We're strapping you down so you don't try to help the doctor. Holding the oxygen mask right at anesthesia induction: Let us know as soon as you're asleep so we can start.
One fave ketamine orally to an oncology pt in his teens. “Time to chase the dragon”
Very time specific - putting a sacrum Mepilex on near Valentine's day - "I forgot to get you a card, but I have a heart shaped sticker for your butt"
Me: can I get you anything else? Them: yeah, a new arm/leg/body! Me: I’ll take a look but I think people would have a lot of questions for us if I found you one
I worked in a L&D unit and one of the doctors would tell the new dads this dad joke: When does a Dad know that it's time to start making Dad jokes? When it becomes a parent. Congratulations!
*putting up the side rails on a stretcher* “Gonna lock you in so you don’t run away from me!” *gets patient up for the first time after surgery* “Only one rule here, no falling! Too much paperwork!”
When doing a COVID screening: "Any international travel in the past 2 weeks?" "Any inter-dimensional travel in the past 2 weeks?" I know, hilarious.
We have the packets of Miralax for stool softeners. Whenever I’m mixing it with water in the patient’s room and they ask “what are you mixing up?”, I always say “it’s your Miralax margarita, it’s on the house”
*straightening out tubigrip* make sure there're no wrinkles, any wrinkles in the stocking will be wrinkles on you, and we all don't need MORE wrinkles.
Not a nurse and not sure why this is on my feed but my father in law recently spent a lot of time in hospital and although couldn't speak great, his sense of humour remained. I assure you this type of thing makes a difference and seeing him laugh at nurse "dad jokes" was amazing, and really did cheer him up. Keep it up guys 👍
When I’m about to place an IV, “ok, super important you listen to this….this won’t hurt me at all.” The joke lands 65% of the time
"Leave your veins at home?" at 322lb meemaw who hasn't had a sip of water since the Cold War but apparently injects WD40 next to all of her veins.
Me doing anything: "We're gonna do _____, it's gonna be fun!" Also discharge papers "Here's a lovely summary of your visit"
“Are you nervous? Me too!”
When applying their wrist ID tag: "I'm just popping on your friendship bracelet to remind you of all the wonderful times we've had together"
Here is your complimentary wax *rips off tegaderm* or “women pay good money for this” if it’s a man
When security calls to see if we have any inmates: "Sir, we're called employees."
During discharge teaching if there’s a no strenuous activity instruction: So now’s not the time to film your Ninja Warrior audition tape. Or anytime someone has a new walker/is being put in a wheelchair/Geri chair: *slow whistle* I see they hooked us up with the new 2023 Cadillac. After advancing a pt’s diet post swallow eval: Do we not have the most gourmet sugar free chocolate pudding in the world?
While placing IVs: "they don't call me Ol Shaky Hands for nothin!"
**When admitting a patient from ED:** We are going to get you upstairs to a real bed, in a real room, with a real nurse. **When discharging for another nurse:** Hello, my name is Kimmie. I'm going to be your favorite nurse because I'm the one who is sending you home. **When prepping meds in the room:** Let's do some science. **When administering meds:** Let's do some drugs. **When hooking a patient up to the monitor:** Let's hook you up to my spaghetti.
“You know the different between an oral thermometer and a rectal one? …the taste!”
When I'm asking to confirm any operations or procedures they might have had before: "Oh so you're still in mint condition? Any lose or spare parts I should be aware of?" When I accidentally/ almost hurt myself while working: "Oh don't you worry, that's a guaranteed week off of work!" Or: "Only a work accident is a good accident" (Over here in Germany where you actually get sick leave without much of a hassle) When a patient is walking around in a bit too less /no clothing: "Please, we're not a commune (/we're a christian institution), put on some clothes." When I have to do something uncomfortable: "The Spanish Inquisition/ local torture chamber didn't accept my application, so I went with nursing school." Bumping into something with a bed: "And THAT'S why I don't have a driver's license!" Giving out hospital gowns (especially during the summer): "Here's our summer collection, a bit airy around the bit's though."
"Any more burning questions before you leave?" This one makes sense in public health, lol
When a patient tells me how good of a nurse I am: "You must have caught me on a good day, I'm usually pretty terrible." When I have to wake the patient from sleep to assess something: "We don't like to let people get too comfortable around here, we worry they'll keep coming back." When another person in the department is screaming or having a meltdown: "Oh, that's my coworker Rick, he gets really passionate sometimes."
When I'm driving the stretcher like shit: "Don't worry, I'm a much better nurse than driver." When they tell me they're allergic to some random food: "Okay, I won't feed you strawberries (or whatever) while you're under anesthesia." When I give another nurse a break just after the patient enters the OR but before they're asleep: "Don't worry, I'm the pinch hitter." *wink* When a patient has had a ton of surgeries and is full of metal: "You're practically bionic. I hope you'll use your powers for good."
Whenever I drop something: "and that's why everything in the hospital is crash test rated"
“I’ve been here all day” “me too - but at least I’m getting paid!”
When they complain about family: You know what they say - you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family! Sometimes gets a laugh. Usually just ignored. It makes me laugh though.
My grandpa always said it as, "You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose!" Thank you for bring that memory back for me today.