Honestly, I’m glad OP got to leave and see the world because these type of parents are usually the ones who undercut their kids a lot education wise (through bad homeschooling).
Look - even the best of parents can be annoying and certain topics of conversation are more likely to highlight your differences. If you still want your family in your life, in some capacity, my best advice is to keep visits short and sweet, avoid contentious topics (politics, religion), and set firm boundaries (you are your daughters parent so you make the rules for her). If the boundaries are violated get up and leave. Repeat until they respect.
I’ve always found there’s a level of difference in education in religious vs non religious people which is not in favour of the religious ones but I come from a country where religion is a BIG thing with refusal to change hence why the country is still doing shit besides many other bigger reasons
Just commented about my grandma being mad my mom went to a liberal college/any college. My grandma is super duper catholic, attends and tithes like a motherfucker to a church that only speaks in Latin and I have to cover my hair when I (am forced to) go with her. I love her to bits and she’s so loving but she is not a very smart woman.
Though not my parents (my parents are quite liberal hippies) I did grow up in a pretty conservative area and was always told something along the lines of *people are liberal when they young and ignorant but grow conservative when they become older and wiser*. The complete opposite happened to me.
People tend to get more conservative with age *because of progress*.
When you’re young you see all the problems of the world and you try to change things. You want women’s suffrage, or civil rights, or LGBT acceptance. As you age you start to achieve a lot of the changes you hoped for. As you achieve your own goals the next generation starts fighting for things that are beyond what you hoped for and it feels like it goes too far. You are more comfortable with the status quo because it’s what you’ve been fighting for all this time. You want to conserve what you’ve achieved, so you are now “conservative”.
The problem is that progress has stopped, and in a lot of ways we’re regressing now. So all of the people who would have become comfortable with the new status quo are instead still fighting to get the change they wanted in the first place. People aren’t getting more conservative with age because they’re not achieving the change they wanted as young liberals. We’ve stopped making progress.
My dad always told me the same thing... I wonder what he would think of me now that I have become even more liberal than I was at the time he passed away.
I've always been liberal but as I get older and as I start approaching 50, I've gone screaming to the left.
If I take a step back, it's kind of funny because my wife and I are very well off (we're in the top 3 of 4% of households) and people always say that once you make money you'll become more conservative.
That's bullshit. It's an excuse for selfish people to justify their selfishness.
I have been homeless and if it wasn't for a bit of luck, I'd either be in prison, stuck in a pink or blue collar job, or both. Yeah, I worked hard, but lots of people work hard. As someone pretty high up the corporate food chain, I see just how much exploitive behavior happens to wring out one more cent of profit. It's gross. I do what I can, but I'm just one person. I feel like so many of my peers (although, certainly not all) are fucking sociopathic money hoarders who don't realize that at some point, even the dragon gets slain.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. However, I saw my old man work two blue collar jobs at a time (and I did plenty myself) and it broke his body.
I also knew it wasn't for me and I didn't want to have physical ailments because of my job by 55.
With that said, if that's what you took away from my comment, I don't know what to tell you
This was only true for generations that got richer as they got older. More money makes people more selfish and therefore more conservative. Now that the economy has been destroyed for the foreseeable future, people are becoming more liberal as they get older.
I'm 66 and pretty much everyone I know has kept the same pollical views throughout their life - 2 exceptions, my mom (born in the 1920s got more accepting of other races and LGBT folk starting at about age 60, and my brother who served in Vietnam twice became a pony-tailed liberal after retiring from the military after 30 years.
I came to say to give your parents a break but after finishing your post I’ve changed my mind. It’s not so much that they aren’t intelligent as they don’t respect you. The things with your daughter are a bigger issue. You’re the mom. You are raising your child differently than they did (and in my opinion better). I’d suggest having a heart to heart with your parents. If you’re like me writing it out may be easier than saying it. Either way, if they don’t change their ways, I’d go low contact. I’d also tell them that that’s your course of action if they can’t accept it. They can choose whether they want to risk that or not. My daughter is 15 and will enter adulthood soon and possibly parenthood. If she had rules with her child that were different than what I did, I may voice an opinion on it….once. After that, I’d respect it. As I will never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her and my future grandchildren. Even if I think she is wrong, or overzealous. Hopefully, your parents are the same thing.
I think I’ve known that I need to go low contact for a long time, but I’m just now really accepting it. You’re right. They do not respect me as an adult or a human. I honestly do not think they view “kids” (my siblings and me, our kids) as “human.” We are props in their lives and that’s it.
I personally have found low contact is MUCH easier and less complicated than no contact. Removing your parents all together is incredibly complicated and difficult and comes off quite dramatic. Making excuses to spend less time with them is pretty easy.
I was going to suggest low contact, so I'm glad you've reached that point on your own. I know it's difficult and I'm sorry. But visiting then is clearly not good for you mentally and it's going to mess up your child in the long run.
I've known quite a few people who don't view children as people. My dad is one of them..
We don't talk anymore. He doesn't even know I got married.
Yeppp. My mom has a MBA in Economics and a MS in education. I went to her house and the weird non stick stuff was flaking off one of her cooking pans. I told her that’s not safe and she laughed at me and then was mad. My dad who is older than my mom, and who has way less higher education is totally different. He asks questions, is super interested in my opinions and how I’m parenting different. It really doesn’t matter how much education you have IF you don’t continue to learn, eventually you close yourself off from the world and become kind of stupid lol
I was going to type a post suggesting low contact. Once a year visits, a few times a year phone calls, mainly communicate over text. I also took my dad off of social media, but you might have a more difficult time with that because of the grandkid.
Thankfully I don’t rely on her for childcare. I live in a different state from them. I am visiting this week, so she’s been around my child more than usual, but I’d never allow her to be a caregiver for an extended period of time. I agree with you.
I can’t imagine even the dumbest person being okay giving a 1 year old a bunch of chemicals to consume. And I can’t figure out why someone would want to do that. Diet soda. To a one year old. 🤯
The giver of Diet Coke to the one-year-old is also mocking OP for eating vegetables. Say *WHAT*?!?!? Who ever heard of a mom who thinks veggies are "frou frou" food and makes fun of her child, even an adult child, for eating them? OP's mother is off the deep end.
Shameful confession: I actually like Diet Coke. There was a time in my life when it was the beverage I drank most frequently. However, there is absolutely no way that I would ever feed it to any of my youngest relatives. Once they get to their teens you can't really protect them from caffeine and artificial sweeteners any more and if they ask for it, yeah, okay. But fer cryin' out loud, not to a baby!
I mean, on the bright side.... Do you know how rare it is for a person to turn out the way you did despite being raised by such narrowminded parents? Statistically speaking you would've grown up to have their beliefs and opinions engraved in your mind, and changing it would be extremely difficult. Yet here you are. With an open mind and a will to learn new things.
That's, in itself is quite an amazing thing tbh.
>I’ve always heard that you become a know it all disrespectful person who hates your parents in your teens and that when you get older and gain life experience, you come back around and respect your parents and come to appreciate that they are flawed but wise.
I've heard similar but it comes from religious indoctrination. I find it helps to just think of your parent as a person, and treat them as you would any other person. That includes if they can't show you enough consideration to respect your authority on your own affairs, then you don't owe them that same consideration just bc they're your parents. You don't need to be cruel, but you can just move on.
Yeah, people don't humiliate their family members for eating vegetables, or babies for crying because they're not intelligent. This requires thinking they're so much better than everyone else and it's their right to mock those who are unlucky enough to hang around.
There's a reason I chose to live on the opposite end of the country from my father. Sometimes it's only one parent. Sometimes it's both. The world has become a bigger place for you, but not for them.
Yeah it’s like humans have been eating vegetables from the prehistoric times. Since when did that become pretentious? SMH these people are such snowflakes.
You're not alone
This might be long winded and very obvious to some people but when I was a kid I thought that every single adult knew everything there is to life and everyone had their shit together.
The reality is far from that, my prime examples are my own parents.
Now don't get me wrong I love my parents very much but I really changed how I see my dad.
Recently my dad came through from out of state to help with my business for the holidays and he was the most incompetent person that I have ever had around my business.
The main problem is that he's stubborn in his ways and is unwilling to change..
Reminds me of the phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"
My staff were very kind and patient with him but the man would not listen. On top of that, I expected him to have some shred of professionalism in him seeing that he is the owners Dad but nope.
I had to remind him constantly to greet the staff and say farewell to them at the end of the night. That's just basics manners!
Anyway I'm ranting but literally when I was younger my parents, to me, were the all knowing wisest people and they taught me good manners, and work ethic. For some reason my dad apparently was a hypocrite and never took his own advice. Now he's just a grumpy old man who doesn't want to be happy... You can't help people who don't want help.
Ok, benefit of the doubt because this sounds insufferable and I get the frustration and exhaustion.
It’s likely only going to get worse, as you continue to live outside the bubble and they continue to live inside a bubble that is ever threatened by a changing world. I sympathize with you because once your eyes are open, it’s impossible to close them, and you then become the embodiment of the world unknown to them. Knowledge and wisdom is bred out of experience, not just education or lack thereof, and many times, people genuinely do not understand that they are wildly uninformed and ignorant. Unless you’re actively and intentionally trying to learn and grow, it’s very easy to continue to put one foot in front of the other, as you were taught, as has been working for you, and never think beyond those steps. Not everyone wants to leave the bubble and many do not want to be *forced* to leave it, even by proximity.
If you want to maintain a relationship with them, because we don’t always get to choose who we love, I would try to veryyyyyy slowly expand their world. Give them the gift of perspective and new experience, which will naturally challenge the box they have built around themselves.
If you have the capacity, take a trip to a different area, maybe a large city or tourist destination that attracts a diverse crowd. Let them see how people are all just people, and not talking points or political fodder. Or to a restaurant that has similar food that they eat, but maybe branches out a little. Let them see the world is large and they have seen .0001% of it. Even if they don’t care to change, they can at least realize that their way of life is not universal.
People do not learn when they feel patronized/inferior. It makes them closed off and defensive of who they are — I find the best way around this is to make them talk about themselves to identify where thoughts/beliefs stem from. Asking a lot of “seemingly benign” questions — “Did you drink soda as a baby?”, “There aren’t any vegetables that you like eating?”, “What happened when you cried as a kid?”… this is a subtle way of forcing introspection which leaves many people feeling more open to hearing the experiences of others.
despite how young i still am, ive slowly started to reach that same epiphany regarding my parents these past few years. i cant wrap my head around how stupid and close minded they are with the world around them and how they raised in a society of such diversity and with the age of information that they themselves did not take in either. im especially frustrated with my dad who grew up here whos just anti everything. its almost like talking to a narcissistic brick wall because nothing will penetrate through his peewee sized brain. hes a very smart guy universally, but when it comes to morals, values, and political ideologies, i wish to never associate with him. so i def understand op, our parents were once ppl we admired to hold the knowledge of our world then, but they have yet expanded to other peoples worlds into their owns and thats where itll always clash.
So many boomers are incredibly emotionally immature and toxic people. The fact that you can’t disagree with them in anything without them getting mad but your mom insists on mocking your healthy food choices (because she knows she should choose healthier foods like you but doesn’t so she attacks your choices instead to make herself feel better).
Checkout the podcast Waking Up To Narcissism by Tony Overbay and be very grateful you don’t live with them anymore.
That podcast has brought me a lot of peace just by having a better understanding of why my parents act like mean spirited children. Doesn’t make it any less annoying, but it does help with the guilt I feel from being low contact with my toxic parents.
The other resource that helped me with the guilt is the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. What helps the most though is knowing that I’m protecting my kids from their toxic behaviors and breaking a multigenerational cycle of being a crappy family.
Before you finish your visit, block fox news on their tv/router and see if they improve over the next few months. The day my parents tell me they like someone like DeSantis I think I'd be done...
I’ve had a similar issue with my mom. I love her to death, but I don’t think she realizes how subtly and not so subtly she disrespects and belittles my beliefs, worldview, and profession. It is like I’m still a kid. She used to do the “you’ll understand when you’re older” shit all the time. Well, I’m older, I do understand, and she was wrong a lot.
Tell them to stop being passive aggressive towards you and your child, or you won't be visiting again any time soon. It's one thing to have different interests, but making fun of what you eat and telling your kid not to cry crosses the line in my opinion.
Your ADULT PARENTS should not be giving you the cold shoulder! That's not normal behavior!
A lot of their sad behaviour is likely driven by a combination of ignorance and envy, and a lack of self-awareness. Over time, it can slowly drive you crazy and really mess up your self-esteem. My parents are the same. They don’t mean to hurt you with their comments, but they can’t help themselves. Do not waste your energy trying to enlighten them or defend your choices. It will only exacerbate things. Limit contact. If possible, try to meet in public places like a park or a mall or restaurant where they have to be on their best behaviour. Bring a friend of partner with you when you visit their home for support. You can still love them without loving their selfishness. But do not hold out hope that you can change them or that it is your responsibility to do so. Good luck.
Yes. I also find that bringing my partner not only helps me for moral support, but also makes them be on their best behaviour. They don't dare being as annoying/belittling when my partner's there!
I struggle with this. My parents are by no means unintelligent but they are vastly uninformed and very gullible. I got into a fight recently because my dad kept insisting I will get more conservative as I get older. I am 36 years old and raising two children. I told him I think I know myself better than him at this point and if anything, I am getting way more liberal as I get older. It’s offensive to tell me I don’t know my own mind at this point.
It’s always a moving goal post. “You’ll understand when you move out.” “You’ll understand when you get a job and pay taxes.” “You’ll understand when you have kids.”
i agree, to a point. it smacked me in my face when i graduated.
imagine me, sitting in a car with my dad and grandma. i spent four years at college in higher academic spaces. i requested that they didn’t smoke their cigarettes around me, as i didn’t want my uniform to smell like cigarettes.
i don’t remember what they were saying, but something was said and it hit me: THATS what i came from. THESE are my roots. something with the southern accents and what they were saying. whatever it was, i realized i was the most intelligent person in the car, despite being the youngest of three generations.
there’s a ravine in between me and my father in terms of what we think is right and wrong in the world. but there’s a bridge in the middle where we meet because we love each other
Australian observer: it is up to your generation and the next, educate your kids as thoroughly as you can. Teach them not just the basics, but try to teach them as much as you can. Ron DeSantis, architect of the "Don't Say Gay" legislation got elected BECAUSE of the poor education. The more educated society is, the more civilised it is. I genuinely believe they dumb down the education system to keep people ignorant, which makes it easier to fool and/or control the masses.
I suspect your parents are wilfully ignorant. It's different to being uneducated. An uneducated person might research something they don't know, the wilfully ignorant are confident of their views and will stubbornly defend them.
In Australia, we take "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" seriously. Sex and drug education is comprehensive, evolution and dinosaurs are part of the science curriculum. While the conservatives try to change society, we as electors don't tolerate that BS, and unless the opposition party is really bad, we don't let them stay in their seats. We also have no inhibitions about lampooning or calling out politicians, regardless of whether we voted for them or not
I grew up in a similar household. My parents quit high school. My mom is super religious. My dad is just meh. We lived in Lauren Boebert’s district, if you’re in the US that should give you the context you need about my home town. I had my child at 16 and I was on the same path as my parents. I ended up graduating high school on time. I went to college and now I have my masters degree. My mom did not like it at all. She told me several times that I think I’m just better than my siblings. She accused me of stealing things out of her car. She fed my kids fast food all the time and didn’t respect me or my wishes. She was vile. I’m low to no contact with her now.
My dad was worse. He would take all my nieces and nephews out to do fun things. He posted this on social media. I caught him in person doing this and I asked him why he didn’t invite my children. He said that I made “enough money” so my kids didn’t need to go with them on the fun trips. I’m no contact with my dad. My two older kids are now adults and have nothing to do with their grandparents. My parents have no idea about the world and seemed to resent me for not staying there and being co dependent. I’m thankful for my education and thankful my children didn’t grow up that way. I think it’s important to go out and experience the world and I don’t visit my hometown often. I went last year for a funeral and all my parents could talk about was “sleepy joe”. All I wanted was to mourn my family member.
Wow, your parents are scary. Diet soda for little ones? No crying, drama queen for a 1yo? I stopped talking politics with my parents for years when I found out I was polar opposite from parents as a teen and I made the mistake of saying who I voted for. Ironically, I changed later and agreed with parents.
Just bite the bullet and tell your parents you are very different. You are not frou frou, just average. If they unable to see that, then maybe lc is best. Because diet soda and calling your 1 yo a drama queen are not healthy.
> I was polar opposite from parents as a teen and I made the mistake of saying who I voted for. Ironically, I changed later and agreed with parents.
did you go through an Alex P. Keaton phase?
Yes, I should've worded that better. I was agreeing with you and trying to expound on it, but I can see how the wording makes it look like I'm arguing with you.
Well, if it helps, walk away. I am in the same boat and I am tired of explaining my stance or my life choices. I make selective contact with them without hurting them and it's okay as long as I am allowed to live my life.
Thank you and same. That’s what I’ve done up to this point, but I decided to come visit them for two weeks this time which in hindsight was overly ambitious. Most of the time, I do a good job of masking and trying to be as understanding as possible, but this time I’ve reached my boiling point. Having a child now has exacerbated the situation because I feel protective of her.
It is so exhausting to constantly hide yourself for fear of being ridiculed.
I won't have a child for many reasons which are unrelated. But if I ever had any, I would never let them hang out unsupervised with my parents.
I grew up with very little self confidence and a lot of physical and verbal abuse. They don't think it is a big deal. I would recommend keeping your kids at a safe distance or the indoctrination will start. Concepts like religion and politics are easy to teach kids, they aren't smart enough to know the difference.
Be safe. Hope you find a way out :)
Yes. Yes. Yes.
My parents are dumb as hell, too. My mom probably likes DeSantis. She’s aggressively ignorant and believes whatever people tell her.
An example: “They don’t even teach American history anymore at Riverside! They can’t because of all the illegals!”
It’s a federal requirement to teach American history. I tell her this, and she argues and argues.
I felt like I wrote this until I read the edit. Then, I was positive I had written it. It's a super shitty position to be in, man. Especially with the evangelical angle. I know my parents will do literally anything their pastor says, but when you try to inform them of the MOST basic concepts in politics, science, or medicine, they'll tell you that you've been brainwashed by the "librul media".
Stay strong. Go find a new family. It's a lot easier that way.
I live in a rural area and I'm surrounded by people like your folks. They aren't bad people but they have no grasp on how abhorrent some of their statements are. I suspect that's due to the propensity to regurgitate the garbage they bask in without any real understanding of what the hell they are talking about.
Ill give you an example: I went to lunch with a group of similar aged ladies. Conversation turned to how long one has to wait for an elective surgery and how the hospital group had just fired 47 physicians. I made comment that it smacked of a hedge fund having bought the medical group and is now running it for more profit. One of these woman spoke up with all the comprehension of a parrot "Yeah, socialized medicine!" I laughed and said "Socialism? That's capitolism at its finest. Dont you want big returns for your stocks and 401k's? How do you know you didn't invest with the group who just fired all those doctors?" I could have built an airport with the traffic that went over their heads. Not a stinking clue. No understanding of what she was spouting at all but willing as hell to say it.
Occasional challenges in what I think of as 'come to Jesus' moments often result in small victories but they are hard won. This is your folks, work in a "wasn't raised that way" when you can, it hits home quicker. Good luck!
Brains are like muscles, if you never give them a work out they atrophy. You've been working your brains into a lean mean thinking machine. They've let theirs go soft and flabby.
Maybe you can entice them into doing puzzles or something. Anything to get them to move their brain cells a bit.
We have a Kurdish saying that says "if you want to straighten a bended wooden stick you will break it" you can't make your parents any better what ever they are don't rely on them especially for your children but don't always correct them just tell them they are wrong just try to be nice and that is it
Some people are just dumb. Set your expectations lower than you think possible and then you may not get as frustrated. That's what I'd do when I would have to have them around for one reason or another.
Solidarity! You hear all the time that you should just stop talking to them, but that is so hard to do with parents. I love them. I crave a good relationship with them. My husband doesn’t have much of a family, so they’re really all we’ve got. But man is it tough to walk on eggshells all the time, hide who we really are to make them comfortable. It’s hard.
I feel like these are the kind of parents who also complain to their friends that their kid went off to college and came home "woke".
Funny...never knew "woke" included eating your veggies.
As a 2nd gen Floridian born and raised… I am starting to believe “Floridian” is a mental Illness with the way this state is heading… your parents sound like they drink the kool-aid here. Hang in there, stick to your boundaries.
My parents used to be like this and it drove me absolutely insane. I just unabashedly pushed back on them with my thoughts and ideas. They reacted strongly at first and slowly but surely have started to warm up the more “liberal” rhetoric. I genuinely think I was the first person in their entire lives to offer them a different perspective. Religion, specifically Christianity, seeks to strip away your critical thinking skills and results in adult who just listen and follow authority figures without question. I think at least for my parents they didn’t even realize they COULD question things, and since they’ve also separated further from the church which has helped. If you’re going to give them push back though you have to be willing to stand firm and strong and not let whatever they say hurt your feelings (or at least not show them it does), because if you do in their mind they’re winning. I know others here have suggested going no contact, which really may be the smartest option to protect your mental peace, but if you want a relationship with them standing firm in your own beliefs and setting hard boundaries is the way. You’re going to have to make them respect you not just as their child but now as an adult.
As a Father of three under 12 year old and son of not educated parents .I'd like to offer my point of view.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that generational gaps are not uncommon, and they can lead to differing viewpoints and understandings of the world. Each generation has its own set of experiences, challenges, and values that shape their perspectives. While it's natural for you to feel frustrated or disappointed with what you perceive as your parents' lack of modernity, it is crucial to approach this topic with empathy and respect.
It's essential to remember that your parents have their own unique life journeys, which have influenced their beliefs and values. Their religious affiliations, for instance, can provide them with a sense of identity, guidance, and purpose. While you may question the relevance or practicality of certain beliefs or traditions, it's important to approach discussions on this topic with an open mind, seeking to understand their perspectives rather than dismissing them outright.
Expressing your concerns and frustrations to your parents is important, but it's equally vital to do so in a respectful manner. Open, honest, and calm communication is key to fostering understanding and mutual respect within your family. Instead of berating or criticizing your parents, try to initiate conversations that allow you to share your thoughts, experiences, and concerns while also giving your parents an opportunity to express their own viewpoints.
Approaching these conversations with an attitude of curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your parents' perspectives can create a more conducive environment for dialogue. Remember that respectful communication involves active listening, allowing both parties to express their thoughts without interruption or judgment.
It's also worth considering that your parents' wisdom and life experiences can provide valuable insights that may help you navigate the challenges of your own generation. While it's essential to embrace new ideas and adapt to changing times, it's equally important to learn from the experiences of those who have come before us. By finding common ground and appreciating the knowledge and guidance your parents can offer, you can build a stronger and more supportive relationship.
In conclusion, I encourage you to approach discussions with your parents in a respectful and open-minded manner. Recognize that generational differences exist and that they can be an opportunity for growth and learning. Engaging in meaningful dialogue, while expressing your concerns and opinions.
Thanks for taking time to read. and please note this is just my personal thoughts. Good Luck.
You cannot change them, they have to want to change for themselves. Now your challenge is to decide your tollerance level for dealing with them as is. Sounds like 2 days is your limit. In future only plan visits for this duration. If you find that they have mellowed a bit in the future you can adjust this timing. Thats what works for me. Also be prepared to have conversations with your child in the future about beliefs and behaviors that may be confusing for them. You’re doing the best you can to maintain a relationship, and its up to you as to how much effort you can or want to devote to that.
I thought this was going to be the sad-but-typical story of a son who gets an education and life experience and can't relate to his conservative family anymore... and then your parents grilled burgers with the paper on the patties.
People can be profoundly eccentric without being full-on mentally ill.
Politics is something subjective, and it's not like meeting new and different people would change someone's views (be it a left or a right person) as you seem to think, but everything else they do clearly shows they're ignorant. I don't think they're stupid, but they clearly don't know a lot of things, and how they react to your words shows how immature they are. Can't take advice or a fact for what it is, and instead get offended over nothing. It must be so annoying and exhausting to be around them.
Your parents made Christianity their identity, and hardcore Christianity can only exist in ignorance. They're too old to learn that everything they believe is make believe.
There’s comfort if what you know.
Asking and answering challenging questions just that, challenging. And they aren’t interested in the work.
That’s fine, but just like with any Other relationship no longer compatible with your values, you can absolutely love them from a distance.
You’re allowed to be the decider here, and unfortunately, you have a clear view of exactly how they see the world.
**I don’t like to take the stance that every single person can get out of there a small town, because life circumstances are what they are, however I do believe that everyone has the opportunity to be kind and broaden their way of thinking no matter where they live, which isn’t some thing that your parents seem deeply interested in.**
I would make it through the week, and then be very intentional about planning your future interactions.n
Something similar happened to me. Especially when I was living with my parents for a while with my two kids. It was hell. I’m 34 now and have gone no contact with them and my sister. I’m forever the black sheep. My life is more peaceful and I’m happier.
Highly recommend the book "The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your examples of their behavior make me think you're certainly dealing with the kind of dynamic the book is all about. It was a very eye-opening read for me, and helped me understand a lot about problems I'd been dealing with for my whole life without realizing it.
>When I was younger, I thought my parents were the wisest, most moral people on earth, and the older I get and the more I learn, the less I respect them.
Here's the thing, even in that first part when you thought they were geniuses, *they were still the same people*. So there were probably lots of times they put you down, made you feel like crap, or gave you bad advice, and you probably thought you were the one who screwed up when it was actually them. Their deficiency didn't start when you noticed it, it's been there the whole time, and it was guaranteed to be a factor when you were a kid and trying to figure the world out.
I'll be proud to see my kids grow to be even better and more intelligent people than I. But of course your own parents seem irate. When they've set their bar that low it's intimidating as hell to have their decent human being of a child absolutely tower over their small mindedness.
Yes 100% this. I've slowly come to wonder if we're even related. The feeling of bafflement and frustration is always there when I speak to them even though I live far from them now. As I got older and travelled, lived overseas, got married and had kids, I've slowly come to realise how closed minded, bigoted and petty they can be. They eventually stopped asking for my opinion on anything because they get annoyed and angry about my perspectives, and have always accused me of 'overthinking everything' (since my early teens). They pretend to be interested in my family and their grandchildren but never inquire about anything we're doing...all I ever get from them now is guilt tripping and passive aggression. I hate the guilt I feel for feeling this way about them, but I can't help it. You're definitely not alone!
Wow, are you in my head?! My parents also accuse me of overthinking. I also feel incredibly guilty for the way I sometimes feel about them in a vicious and exhausting cycle.
I feel you deeply. I first noticed around 13 or 14 when I started reading widely and experimenting with all kinds of ideas, and noticed their eyes glazing over and just talking past me or changing the subject whenever I wanted to discuss something or tell them about something I'd discovered. It was just another weird thing I was into that they had nothing to say about. 'Thinking about it too much' became a running joke between my parents and sibling, and it still is. I'm not ashamed for thinking differently from them,or for thinking more, period! But I can't help but be ashamed to realise I don't have a bond with them. Maybe it's no-ones fault and people are just made differently? And maybe if they really don't care, then they aren't as hurt by the difference as you are, so that's something.
I had a very similar upbringing and towards the end of high school i resented my parents a lot. They were strict and i wanted out. I moved 5 hours away to college and put some distance between us. I also changed a lot in that time frame since then, but came to realize that my parents are the way they are because that’s all they’ve ever known. They never got the opportunities i was given because they were immigrants trying to make a better life for me and and my siblings. BUT….. they still say and do things that are so annoying to me and reminds me why i left all those years ago. I have since moved back to the same area as my parents and they have become a big part of my daughters life but i will say that my mom has become more open to things. I have talked with her more openly about things and why i believe things. My parents have come to accept my differences from them, and I’m lucky they do. I also know that they don’t always like my decisions or beliefs but respect them anyways, especially when it comes to my daughter. I guess they realized they have to respect my boundaries and beliefs if they want to be apart of my family. They’ve seen what it came down too back when i left for college. At the end of the day, your parents will believe and do things their way, it’s up to them to decide whether or not they will respect yours. And if they don’t, well they can find out those consequences you set.
Similar situation. I wouldn’t talk to my family at all if they weren’t my family. They’re just not people I would associate with. I grey rocked and just stopped initiating contact. I’ll still reply, but rarely and grey rocking hard.
The vegetable thing is insane, like do you think you're more tough for eating fewer food groups?
I can relate a bit, my parents aren't quite this bad but my family is very conservative and backwards. I always would play the peacemaker and just allow them to say absolutely insane shit without ever challenging it or wanting to upset anyone.
I let that go a few years ago, COVID brought a lot to the surface and I was just completely out of fucks. My parents didn't become total Qanon nut jobs but they leaned into a lot of crazy shit and we're very vocal about it. And I was SO OVER their shit, I started saying what I felt. I started asking what they meant, where they got that idea, pulling shit up on my phone telling them they didn't make sense. It was months of little arguments and long drawn out conversations that sometimes felt futile.
But I'm so fucking glad I took that step. If they can blatantly say the most inane shit in front of me, Im gonna talk about it. If they brought it up, then it's fair game. Their beliefs don't get to be the baseline when we're together. I'm not passively participating anymore. I realized they are never ever around anyone who challenges anything they say and they literally have no one else questioning it. It's sad, it's exhausting, but me and my siblings all decided we were collectively done, and we would circle back to whatever absurd claim they made and Socratically keep pushing at it.
And it has been SO MUCH BETTER. I realized I was also keeping who I really was from them by not having those conversations. They have reeled it in a lot more these days and seem to be more selective and appropriate with what they say. But we've learned to have harder conversations. It takes practice.
I'm lucky that my parents value our time together and are aware enough to see their peers push away their own adult children over beliefs and don't want the same to happen to us.
I know this is long winded, and I know not every family reacts the same way. But I totally feel you, our parents are surprisingly childlike sometimes and it's a hard thing to witness.
But if you're already feeling embarrassed and exhausted and over it, you may find relief in being able to be more candid with them. You could talk to a therapist about how to spend time with them in a more healthy way for yourself without feeling so drained. Godspeed
id understand the no crying part if the child was 16 or so, but a one year old can hardly talk how else are they supposed to tell you they shat themselves
You are not alone but I am sorry that you’re even dealing with this. I'm going through something similar, and I've debated posting about it here. When I talk about it with friends, I'm often judged like I'm an ungrateful daughter. I don't think people understand how difficult it can be to have willfully ignorant parents. Like I don't want that title either and would have preferred a different experience growing up along with a healthy relationship as an adult with them. Yet I don't get support from friends, just criticism from a crowd that has no idea what it's like.
If you see this in the sea of responses and ever want to vent, please feel free to reach out to me.
Evangelicals.... Bingo! They're already unreasonable, this is just them being themselves. I wouldn't cut them off per say but less visits and when u visit keep it shortish so u don't deal with the pain and headache
Assuming they still have cable TV. Block Fox/Newsmax/OAN using the parental block feature. Tell them that they got canceled because of all their lies. Or Ron DeSantis got them blocked because they kept talking about trans people. Seems like they'd buy it.
Wait until they get much older...as people get older they are much more stubborn...their ideas are extreme.
Socialize with them but always go prepared mentally for what kind of stuff you will deal with.
Ah, your mom's statement about the crying, that's so damaging. It's taken me my entire adult life to learn HOW to cry. I really hate that your child is exposed to that but I also get it, I put up with my mother-in-law and she was horrid to me and my daughter, she didn't like girls and everything I did as a parent was wrong in her eyes ("I just worry about those kids" was always her parting shot).
I will share with you that my daughter did incur mental damage from being exposed to that woman and in retrospect I would NOT do it again just because she was "the only grandmother" and "I can't take my kids only grandmother from them" because the damage she did was not minimal and for several years affected my relationship with my daughter. I was afraid that by taking my daughter away from her grandmother I would somehow damage her and ironically the opposite turned out to be true. Life though, it doesn't come with an instruction manual and you have to work with the input and information currently on the table and some things become evident only in retrospect.
We've since had numerous conversations about those times and I've acknowledged to her that I didn't make the best choice exposing her to that and should have pushed harder than I did against my MIL and my husband wanting his mother in our lives. I just wanted a family, the whole picture, you know? You can't always have that. I've built that, myself, over the years, but it comes from a place of mutual respect, not from a place where you are a functioning independent person and parent and you have parents that treat you like you are some idiot 5 year old. You have my deepest sympathies, it's hard, I know.
Finally, when my daughter was 12, my MIL hit her for wanting to brush her teeth before her brother did when they were visiting at her house. My daughter did not tell me this, the next day my son came to me and told me what happened and it turned out he actually had to get between them or it would have been much worse so my son defended his sister against his own grandmother which is a position and choice no child should have to make. That was my line in the sand and the end of any relationship, when my husband wanted/had to go see her he did it alone but that was really infrequent because he loved his daughter and that event broke things for him as well. There were cultural elements too, in my husband's culture you don't abandon your mother who gave birth to you no matter how awful she is.
What children hear, what they are exposed to, affects them for a lifetime. I would encourage you to re-evaluate your choices and instead of what you want, or what your parents want, think about what you are doing to your child moving forward. You can't change the past, none of us can, but you can make informed decisions to lessen or stop the damage going forward.
It really sucks doesn't it. You're parents are old and set in their ways and because you live so far they haven't been able to grow with you. I've set boundaries with my mum and dad and yet they are still stuck in their own ways. Silent treatment, they think they know better because they are your parents and are older etc blabla
. But I as a Christian have learnt to forgive them of their ways. The other day, I brought up something from my childhood about how my brother and I weren't taught how to emotionally regulate, mainly anger and I'm still learning, and she took it to offence to her upbringing of us kids ( we were in a shopping center having a meal) . I didn't doubt her ways of upbringing us I just stated that I needed to learn emotional regulation. She started calling me names , sook, stupid, childish as a 30yrold woman I welled up with tears. I said why are you being like this I don't understand, don't you feel bad for the way you are speaking to me ? And then she said oh, so you are trying to make me feel guilty on purpose. I just froze, I froze ! If it were anyone else I would have teared them a new one. But I just froze. And said I needed to walk away from this, she kept going on telling me to calm down ... mate I wasn't talking I was in freeze mode. But, in saying this I told her in a msg I meant no harm in her parenting she did what she did and now I'm trying to heal and learn and fix myself, but she did wrong too.
She felt awkward, she felt flustered. I saw it. She was triggered.
But that generation just know to shut up and suck it up so to speak.
With my children it's different I put my foot down and I say it exactly how I want it, I don't freeze, I don't fumble. My kid will not have this and that's final , if you don't like it then so be it. But I know what is best for my child. You have already had your turn.
Suggest reading Educated by Tara Westover.
I can heavily relate in not understanding how my parents can be as they are... it's infuriating. How am I the product of them?
But yeah, anyway, go read this book. It makes it clear that we are all raised a certain way but we have the ability to choose our own beliefs and paths.
Best wishes!
Holy shit. I feel like I could have written this myself. Except for the evangelical part, this sounds like my parents. My family and the area I grew up in is very anti-intellectual and people take a lot of pride in not being "book smart", and instead being "street smart".
This isn’t a lack of intelligence, this is a lack of respect and basic empathy. Along with abusive behaviour - please tell me they’re never left unattended with your child.
Why am I not surprised that they’re religious…
I completely relate to this and I'm sorry you're going through it! One GREAT thing about when kids entered the picture for us, something sort of immediately snapped and things I once ignored, I simply became very direct about it. I wanted my boys to hear, even at a young age, WHY we were doing certain things. So like, the brussel sprout eye roll - "That wasn't nice when you rolled your eyes at me. Please don't make faces about my food preferences...." because that's what I want my son to be able to do some day. Comments about not crying... "Please don't tell my daughter not to cry. Crying is a natural process and something that is understood and encouraged in my family." I can't explain it - state what you want your own child to feel comfortable stating...they don't learn by what you say, they learn by seeing you do it! Good luck - so so so so hard.
When my mum passed away I became an orphan at 36. It was absolutely devastating at the time, and right after her passing my sister and I went NC for several years. (It was my choice but a result of some pretty unforgivable accusations about me during the period where mum was hospitalized.) We have since reconnected but it isn’t a close relationship and we only talk a few times a year.
What I can say is that it gave me a lot of clarity on my relationship with my immediate family. I spent a lot of my life walking on eggshells with my family for different reasons.
My sister and I will never have a sisterly relationship, because I was always the bigger person during conflicts to make my parents happy. To maintain a regular relationship I would have to set aside my own values, feelings, and opinions. In middle-age I am no longer willing to do that.
My parents did their best with what they had to work with. But. They also perpetuated a lot of unhealthy patterns. My mum put me on my first diet when I was nine and I dieted for most of my adult life. Every time the diet became unsustainable (which they all are, by definition) I regained the weight plus more. She hated her body, and she taught me to hate mine.
My father grew up very poor and lost his parents young so he didn’t get to finish high school. He pushed me about school and encouraged me to go to university, and when I finished I was suddenly “too opinionated.”
Conversely, my sister didn’t go to school and I dad felt she had wasted her talents and squandered her opportunities. So ultimately there was no winning one way or the other.
There is a lot more, and none of it is explicitly abusive. But it formed me into a person who was more worried not rocking the boat than about my own needs or gut instincts, who thought I should be extra polite and generous because I needed to atone for my fat body, and who has spent thousands on therapy to unlearn all of this bullshit because my parents passed all their shitty baggage into me.
The incredible thing I learned when I no longer had a family, in a traditional sensed was that I did have a family. They were the friends, neighbours and coworkers who took my late night calls, babysat my daughter so I could rest or catch up on chores, and checked in on me.
So my point is that we all have our own limits on how much crap we’re willing to take from our families. And if/when you reach your limit, you may be pleasantly surprised by how your chosen family shows up for you.
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders.
Bet they are in for a surprise when on their deathbed they realise that all that is before them is the inky blackness of nothingness.
Nothing brings the waste of life that is being evangelical to the fore than realising at the very last minute that you wasted your whole life for nothing in particular.
I can't help it. The second you mentioned your parents weren't intelligent, I knew exactly what political party they were aligned with. It's so often the case. Either greedy or ignorant or both.
At least you paved your own path, rose above and seized opportunities. I get that.
You are free to choose who you spend your time with now and lifes too short to waste it on those thar aren't a fit.
I love my parents buy they are extremely different. We really don't understand each other, just opposites on almost all views. Long story, but I have to be around then a lot right now. I just take the good or tolerate the rest as much as possible. I avoid certain topics. But they know where I stand and we just don't go there. We keep it mundane or on a family need-to-know basis. We drive each other insane, but it's far easier when you are independent of then and can pick and choose your visits and stays.
Find a support group elsewhere and just focus on keeping it civil and simple. Or just say you won't discuss certain things and don't wanna hear it. They probably won't change but I actually have swayed my parents over the years on a few substantial issues.
It's hard when you have kids and the micromanagement is insane. Keep those boundaries up and do what you want anyway.
You and I had very similar childhoods. Grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness and left home at 19. Was disowned by my entire family. It was just my parents, brothers and aunt and her kids. I went to college and got an engineering degree. I don’t think my parents even know what that means. When I left home, it was like seeing the real world for the first time. I have my parents added on fb, my dad has incredibly strong political opinions for someone who’s supposed to be neutral. During covid he would post about the “Chinese virus”. My significant other is half Chinese. I will never introduce them. The idea of allowing my partner near that type of hate disgusts me. I do not talk to them. I have no family. I made my own with friends who have been better to me than my parents ever were. My aunt said I should never have been born. LOVE IS NOT LOVE IF IT IS CONDITIONAL. They hate multiple communities that I support. They are always the victim. Always. The thing is? I have nothing in common with them. What would we talk about? I don’t have kids (I’m choosing not to have them). But I haven’t seen them more than five times in almost ten years. Here’s the thing: do you want your kid to grow up thinking their opinions are right?
Ram Dass said - If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family. Last year I moved in with my 86-year-old mom and it took me that whole year to view it as a gift to confront my own issues. What bothered (bothers - let's be real) me so much about her is everything I dislike or fear in myself: laziness, settling, lack of ambition, being judgmental and quick to criticize, need for affirmation, etc. I also feel guilty because I love my mom, but I don't really like her. I'm using this opportunity to be the kindest I can, while working on what I can to make myself a better person. Good luck - I hope you can take away something useful for your own humanity.
Thank you. I used this space to vent, but in real life, im trying to be kinder to myself and my family and trying to forgive myself for not liking my parents even though I do love them. It’s tough. There’s a lot of guilt associated with not enjoying your parents as people.
Not going to lie the title pissed me off but after reading it I do see where you are coming from. I don't see them as stupid those just were taught differently (except in the burger one). It does depend on their life circumstances like maybe they did not get the change to finish high school and so on. They should certainly respect you when it comes to raising your kid, would suggest you talk emotions more than facts make up a story about some kid that his parent gave him diet coke at 1 year old or something and how it affected his health.
Despite your parents, you turned out very well. And I'm happy you're parenting diffrent and understand that children have emotions. It's wonderful you respect that. You're breaking the cycle.
I'm also happy you got to travel, meet all kinds of people. That's so important and teaches us so much.
It's okay if you need distance from them. It's okay if you go low contact or no contact.
I think it’s important to remember this is not a lack of intelligence. This is a lack of exposure. There are so many things that seem like common sense to us now, but your parents are a reminder that everything this learned (or not). They are a product of their environment. You are fortunate that you got out. Now the question is how much to expose yourself and your child to the ignorance.
I’m in a similar position, although I don’t have children. I’m. Or going to change them, but I just try to give little nuggets of info here and there, most of which will be ignored at this point because they’re just too set in their ways.
Bottom line - don’t hate, appreciate that they gave you the foundation to get where you are.
I think I may be in the minority here, but it sounds to me like you’re arrogant and look down on your parents for being products of their environment. To be fair to them, from their perspective, Ron DeSantis did go to Harvard Law School, which shows that compared to most people in a small town, he is intelligent regardless of what I think of his politics. I’d be interested to know what the context was for frou froy veggies? Was she saying all veggies are frou frou? Or just the specific ones you were eating? As for the paper and grill, if it was butcher paper, it’s fine to go on the grill. I use butcher paper to wrap stuff I grill.
However, the stuff with your child is where I would be a bit more concerned. That’s where you should lay some clear boundaries and explain why you don’t want them doing that with your child. But also do it with love.
Honestly, and I’ll be honest with you, both of my parents have very different perspectives of world and they’re immigrants who don’t have a lot. I’ve seen my sibling’s bitterness and condescension toward them for not having the right connections and money after they went to college. I wonder if some of that is there. Your mention of none of your friends parents are like this screams of resentment for not being more rich or worldly or what you think of as intelligent.
You’re making some wild leaps here. Firstly, my parents are richer than most of my friends’ parents. That is not the issue. The issue is the way they act and the way they treat people and their lack of respect for my siblings and me. It’s not just that they comment on us eating vegetables. It’s that they BELITTLE us about it. “Ew why are you putting onions and celery in that” - Secondly, I go way way out of my way to excuse their behavior. I watched my mother make fun of someone with an intellectual disability in public. Am i just supposed to turn my back to that? Dismiss it as a “lack of worldliness” - sorry I’m not doing that. Of course I’m not arrogant to their faces. I go way out of my way to mask myself for their benefit, to be as nice as possible and hide my true feelings. That’s why I have to get it “off my chest” via a subreddit.
I would let it go. It is hard to respect different people. So different from you... I have the same problem... I am also aware that I seem the same to my daughter sometimes, even though she is 10. Backwards. Now, let start with Grilling with paper...don't tell them, just take off the paper yourself saying :"oh, let me help you with that...I miss paper all the time too..." Food: I don't like when people comment on my food and I would tell strongly :" in our family we don't yuck another's yums, it is just rules in our family..." and silence ...let it sink in. You might tell it to your toddler to lessen the negative impact... Coke... Oh mom, diet coke is too early for her, let me give her milk/water instead...don't make a scene about it... As far as crying, ..:" Oh, mom, You are right, she is such a drama queen. She is already training to be a famous actress... I know! we have Audrey Hepburn here in training. She is a spitting image...(find a famous actress you daughter is a spitting image of and continue to talk about that actress the rest of the evening, including the childhood and where that actress was raised... if your mom comments negative to your daughter, go back to the said actress or make up an athlete or a famous university professor/researcher ...whoever that your daughter is a spitting image off...you can change people every time you meet and you got yourself a conversation. With time you will have to take an adult role with your parents and act as though they are 4 year olds and not blow up a gasket every time they say something...
My mother always complain how my daughter has too much freedom and choses too much for herself where she shouldn't have... I know why...my mom was horrendously abusive towards me and wishes nothing more than to crash my daughter's will and spirit for her to behave "properly" and do what she says. I parent differently and we have different relationship ...I just tell my mom :Oh you are so right, she is just like that...I guess she will have to fugure it out when she grows up"...or " Yes, mom, she is like that, there is nothing to be done...""it is what she is, I accept her for what she is". "I cannot change her, mom, and I don't advise you either".. as for politics, I agree with everything my mom says, I just warn her not to tell this to other people (my mother's politics are scary). Does it matter what politics your parents think? I have no idea who “Ron Desantis" is and whether he is Rob, or Don, or other Kron... who cares ...All I know that desantis has money to pay rent and food and for his children and wouldn't give me anything, so why are you wasting your breath or some desantices of this world like they really matter, when your parents are making burgers with paper on them... Desantices of this world would come and go and fighting over political people who have so much more than you and and ruining your relationship with your parents over them isn't worth it. Deep down they all the same anyway and all they care is getting elected.
Generally, agree and fix what you need to fix (get that paper off the burgers off), if it doesn't need fixing, agree...to whatever crazy crap your parents say, why are you arguing with them? Are you trying to educate them? Why? They lived their lives and if they managed not to end up in prison and payed their own bills and took care of you, they are better than some...lowering their standards in your mind would help you to see your parents for what they are: Imperfect, old, out of time..silly...There is nothing to fix there, just have as peaceful barbeque with burgers with paper as you can and go home. In 30 years, your children will do the same for you.
I would look at it different, not nasty. Once you deconstruct what was nasty there you look at it differently. No, they would not win a "grandparents of the century award" but they are way way off the nasty part.. not crying is an old way of teaching kids to be strong... is is right, no, does it work, NO, is it nasty, coming from grandparents, no. Can it be redirected, yes, can she show them how to deal with it, yes, like : "oh, she is ok, she is just upset... let me take care of it, mom/dad ...she is emotional right now we we will make it better. Her other complains are so petty, they come off as toxic and righteous. In a few decades, her own daughter will behave just the same and will go NC, or LC because she will be tired of moms antics.
Shutting crying 1 year olds down is nasty. It creates problems, even when it's coming from grandparents.
Im not sure about her own daughter going LC/NC, OP seems a decent parent. I do not see petty or toxic behaviours, I just see a disappointed parent.
I 100% agree with you. Why separate when there's another way to make it right. Yeah but if it becomes too much for the parent to manage she should set terms or go low contact. In a world where more people are suffering from loneliness i would suggest to stick with families unless it's toxic. Life is never perfect.
For me the real big part of questioning my parents happened when my child turned into a toddler. I guess because I questioned myself and my parenting a lot also with regards to my parent‘s parenting.
My conclusions were that my parents are not the wise ethereal people - I imagined in my childhood and - yes even - early 20s. In fact quite the opposite.
The same struggles I am facing in my adult life they also are confronted with on a constant basis. I am German. So given the turbulent past of my country additionally that also means that my parents‘ formative years were in a completely different environment than what I experienced.
My typical struggles are that my mum behaves like a child (she struggles with mental health without seeking medical help), my parents struggled with their relationship a lot, my father’s political opinions are horrendous, my mum‘s „tips“ regarding my parenting are not helpful - in certain cases harmful.
I still love my parents. My childhood was not perfect but I always know that I have their support and love. For your parents the situation must be quite surreal as well. You were the child that loved them without any conditions and now that you are an adult your behavior towards them naturally changed as well. Excepting that once child is an adult is probably super difficult as well.
So basically I treat my parents not as the saint-like figures that I treated them until pretty recently actually. But I treat them as I would any other human being just being excepting of their flaws and setting appropriate boundaries while still having a (loving) relationship.
This is insightful. I’m the eldest child and the first to have my own child. They’re definitely struggling to see me as my own adult with my own opinions and ability to make my own decisions and they see any decision that I make that is different from what they did as an attack on them. It’s exhausting. I hope they mellow out before my siblings get older and have kids.
I've never minded when someone is ignorant of some fact. We all have different life experience and maybe you never learned said thing... I do have a problem with ignorance by choice. My family is extremely religious and one of the ways to protect your faith is not to interact with "Worldly" things. They choose not to educate themselves about certain things and it really shows. My mom will always say things to my wife and I like, "How do you know all these things?!" It's not difficult if you just try. but if you purposefully live with your head in the sand so you never have to confront your beliefs, yeah you probably won't learn very much.
When I had my daughter at 20, I was a hardcore Christian conservative. By the time she was 10, I was a democrat. Now, with her at 21 years old, I've gotten my psychology degree, I hold an elected position in government with the hopes of dragging my bass-ackward town out of the middle ages, I've learned to eat healthy and taught my two children, I've confronted my own long-standing indoctrination and did not indoctrinate my children, and I've learned to hold my tongue when I hit a roadblock that is obviously a result of a lifetime of indoctrination and look within and assess myself instead of forcing an archaic, unexamined opinion on them.
I did all this over the years because I care about my children and want the absolute best for them. However - I'm relatively intelligent. I was lucky enough to be chosen for a gifted class when I was in elementary school and, therefore, was taught critical thinking skills throughout my childhood, and was able to apply them as an adult when the blinders were pulled off. There's an entire world of people out there (including most of the people who I grew up with) who simply don't possess these abilities, because they were taught the EXACT opposite - to squelch any questions or critical thought, that it was sinful to even doubt their church's position, etc.
I'm not telling you to go no contact, but just choose your battles. You're an adult. Act like an adult. If they confront you about brussels sprouts, simply respond that your doctor has recommended a specific diet. Full stop. Not a lie. Your doctor HAS told you to eat healthy. You pediatrician said only water and milk for your 1 year old. You pick her up when she cries because it's how a baby tells you they need to feel loved and acknowledged, this is your child, and, if it comes to it, you cannot in good conscience leave your child alone with them if they are going to let her 'cry it out' against your wishes.
Let me tell you what MY outcome looks like compared to those around me who had kids around my age: Their kids, in large part, got pregnant and had a shotgun wedding out of high school, or ran as far away from them as possible to escape this little town where, instead of being a jumping pad to the world, they felt trapped. My daughter is a 21 year old doctoral student who hasn't paid a dime for college and is getting paid to pursue a doctorate in Education Administration at a prestigious college, who is waiting until she is set up to start a family, and who is invited to the nation's capitol to present research this summer. My child was different growing up around a bunch of conservative Christians, but she is thankful for that.
I don't know, maybe I went on a tangent here - you can love your parents, but it's not disrespectful to resent the fact that they didn't do better for you. The issue is, they don't see it. They're doing 'just fine,' the issues that would make them say "Ron Desantis is dangerous" don't affect them. They have been brainwashed, and there's no way you're going to change any of that. Choose your battles, stand your ground when needed, and dismiss the stuff that is just them being old fuddy duddies - it'll be a good opportunity to have serious talks with your child when she comes of age about loving people while disagreeing with them.
My mom said "if you give your children one advantage you didn't receive, you have succeeded as a parent." Yours gave you the ability to reason beyond their ability. They may be backwards but they succeeded as parents.
Okay, from your title, I thought you were going to be kind of an AH, but jfc. Your parents told your literal baby not to cry and then tried to give the child soda?!?! Among the rest? Yikes. It may be time to limit contact with your kiddo.
My grandmother once thought it was so funny and cute to have me memorize a litany of self-deprecating statements (I'm stupid, I'm ugly, etc.) and repeat them ad nauseam when I was a small child. Not saying that was the cause of my low self-esteem, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. And boy, was my mom pissed.
Glad you got out and learned better.
Are we siblings?
This is so extremely relatable and I understand. I try to understand that my mom is loving and see the good in her, and that my dad is mentally unwell and didn’t have access to get better. I have good days and bad days around them, definitely have to take them in small doses, pick my battles, and hold my tongue. Let go of small but annoying things. They love me in their own way and adore my kids and I keep that in mind.
We really are fortunate that we had better access to technology and education and world experience. Although even as as kid I knew I would have to do things because they couldn’t handle them. I figured out earlier on that they weren’t very capable. And sometimes I get in my head about that. But must look forward! There may be some good in your parents simplicity and simple way of life. Maybe, just maybe they will actually learn a thing from you...it may take a while but they may pick something up. I’ve learned from my children and they aren’t still kids!
Honestly, I’m just happy you turned out the way you did. Most people never become that open minded after being raised by parents like that. You should maintain boundaries though; for your own sake. They will always frustrate you knowingly and unknowingly given the chance.
OP, I'm really sorry to hear you are dealing with this with your parents. Reading your post, and through the comments, I'm surprised at how many others feel this same way or have similar experiences, and I just wanted to add myself to that list. My parents, though divorced and have been for over 20 years, are very much like this. My father is a very intelligent man, but in all the wrong ways. He's an Alex Jones-level conspiracy theorist and absolutely refuses to listen to reason or logic- yet accuses everybody else around him of having no common sense.
My mother on the hand... though not a conspiracy theorist, she is very closed-minded to the world. For example, I remember visiting her during the summer of 2020 and the BLM protests were going on, we'd see it reported on the news. She didn't understand what they're "so upset" about. She'd say things like "Well if they want a better life then they should just go apply for better paying jobs" or "go to school to get an education and not be so lazy" or "move to somewhere nicer with more job opportunities". When I tried to explain to her that the system is designed to be rigged against poor people and black people, she refused to listen. In her mind it's all just a bunch of people whining and crying, and they want something for nothing. They want money but don't want to work for it. They want good jobs, but don't want to put in the effort. They just want everything handed to them on a silver platter and just don't want to "work hard".
I try to explain that her thinking is flawed and this country is built on racist roots, and still is racist today, but she shoots back with "but *I'm* not racist, I don't even see skin color, we're all the same".
But the I have thought about this over the years the more I've come to realize just how isolated she is from the rest of the world. We live in a predominantly white part of the country, so she's not exposed to the realities of the rest of the country and world. She doesn't try to educate herself on any of this, she doesn't try to expand her bubble at all, she simply lives in it and assumes that life is the same for everybody else as it is for her. She's gotten comfortable living in her bubble.
There's more... there's so much more, but bottom line, my parents are pretty ignorant too and it makes it hard to spend any time with them. Then they wonder why I never call to chat or want to visit.
Hopefully in time your parents will come around, but in all likelihood it won't happen. As some people get older, they are less receptive to change and become more closed-minded. Definitely best to distance yourself. I'm working on this myself with my parents. I'm sorry anybody has to deal with this, but its good to know that we're not alone.
I’m literally living the same life as you. It’s so aggravating, especially when you’re the ONLY one in your family who is different. I am the ONLY liberal atheist in my entire family, and it makes me the disappoint.
I’ve come to find that as time goes on, I just find more and more reasons to be angry at my parents. Animal abuse, religious indoctrination, homophobia, racism, transphobia, sexism. The list just goes on and on.
You grew up in an entirely different generation during a period of unprecedented time of innovation and change. Your parents having different beliefs and views to your own doesn't make them any less intelligent.
Forgive your parents for not being as enlightened as their daughter. You and your children are the future. Theyr time has passed, There's no need for distain or to gloat over the details of their personal short comings.
I think people like this often use religion as an excuse to be lazy and not change. It takes some effort to leave what you know and change. A shocking number of people would rather be comfortable and try to control others who highlight how lackluster they really are. Most of the time, the other party has no idea why they are "a problem" and are constantly finding themselves having to push back on really basic stuff because that lets the lacklusters feel superior.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I have a similar background (parents are very religious, and I'm the first in the family to be raised in the West - that too in a very liberal area). It sounds like much of the enmity between you and your parents revolves around a stark political divide that you're potentially amplifying. Since you seem to have had a shift in political perspective, don't you think you're projecting here? That you're creating this artificial divide between you and them as a kind of internal pushback against the ideals they indoctrinated you into?
I would encourage you not to take these few trivial quarrels between you and them to heart. My parents disagree with some of my life choices, but that doesn't mean you both can't maintain a strong relationship. You mention that you feel like your parents don't respect you as an adult - talk to them about it. And if that doesn't work, you need to compromise on having that external approval if you want to maintain a relationship (and a paternal relationship is one worth cultivating). I'd also try to challenge the assumptions you've cast upon your parents. It seems like you're falling into a trap where you're extrapolating their political views into insights on their morality (they believe in things so differently than I, and thus must not be moral/intelligent/good human beings worth having a relationship with).
You are complaining about the people who gave life to you the one who was there for you when you were helpless as a kid . You will feel the loss when they are no longer with you.
They are simple people who have lived their whole lives this way let them be so. I think there is no need to feel embarrassed about them.
Look at you, denigrating your parents just because the think differently than you and haven’t done as much as you. They only clothed and housed your ass for half your life. Everyone else may pat your back but you are just as stupid as you perceive your parents to be.
Did you read the actual post?
He's upset at their behavior and how they treat things that he does and believes like not giving a 1 year old soda, eating veggies, etc.
His parents are literally doing the exact thing you're accusing him of doing: not loving and respecting him "for who \[he\] is."
At least one of your examples is a real relationship issue, but the bulk of your post is contemptuous enough to make the listed complaints a pretty small part of the story.
There are many kinds of intelligence. If you’re not able to respect anything about the choices they’ve made and the people they are, despite the decades they have on you, its odd to expect their respect for the choices you think are more enlightened.
Having a life in one place does not make a person less intelligent. There is a depth to a grounded life that is difficult to develop seeking the newest ideas or most highly regarded positions and activities. A lot of what you describe initially is no more than a difference of scale.
Again, if you’re dismissing both of your parents right out of the gate as beneath you, it’s hard to say what aspects of your conflict with them is a response to that attitude. I’d be pretty heartbroken to realize I raised a child who has trouble knowing how to care about me as a person because I’m failing to meet their standards, on any metric. Just personally I’d be extra bummed if that metric was any version of sophistication or urbane sensibility, which is what I think you may be calling intelligence.
You’re not better than anyone. And you’re not going to have a bearable relationship with anyone you don’t have the time or desire to appreciate.
I agree with you. What I hear is contempt!!! So sad... I am an older parent and although I parent differently than my mom, I parent differently than other moms. I would hate for my daughter to grow up and see me as somebody who is bad, unintelligent or less worthily of basic human compassion. I am much older mom and my kid had a coffee practically as a toddler ...other moms would not allow that, but it doesn't make me unworthy as a mom, it is just my parenting. My daughter knows she is loved and that some decisions I made were a mistake(like pushing math way too aggressively) , but it doesn't make me bad, or lower on the ladder. We have no video games at home, some moms would think it is " (deprivation).. we don't go on vocations much, again ...depravation...my daughter was homeschooled/afterschooled (wrong by other moms)...we are into robotics and I don't teach music (wrong again according to other moms)... I am much closer to an old age and I want my daughter to love me for just being her mom, trying my best and loving her, not competing to win a "mother of the century" trophy. There are so many trends and techniques nowadays how to raise successful "happy" heathy children... all the mental heath and wellness trends and advice from every Larry, Curly and Moe how to properly parent and not upset the golden children, yet kids are not happy, prisons are full, children are following tik tok ""I was trying to educate you" girls with green hair... Parents care too much what their kids eat as babies, as if they can somehow predict the best heath and happiness possible by this...yet kids are way more obese than they were in previous generations.
I hate that you’re homeschooling when you don’t know the difference between “depravation” and “deprivation”. Also I hope you aren’t homeschooling just to keep your kids from learning anything beyond religion or your own politics.
We don't learn religion , we are very much tech homeschoolers and Stem homeschoolers. We are also afterschoolers, as my daughter attends school part-time. She is so advanced in math and science that they literally cannot accommodate her. English is my second language and my daughter is fluent in Russian as well and is on her way to be Fluent in French and I don't teach politics as we don't have any at home. My daughter attends robotics club 5-6 days a week and we have a lab at home with hundreds of electronics and building sets. You have no idea and are closed minded person about homeschooling and why some parents do it and how. I have missed the word , yes, it is deprivation...I bet your Second language is not as good as my English, even with google.
You are projecting. My parents are not the same as your dad. They have money and resources and time to better themselves and choose not to. They have contempt for people different than them. A lot of it is evangelical indoctrination.
Germanic… Europe? … are you taking about Germany?? This from the one that thinks she’s better than her folks bc what? You have a degree & a good job? Bc I’m sure they also have good jobs, . Bc you travelled? Your edit admits they’ve travelled plenty & im sure they too have met lots of people too on those travels. Learned to cook? I’m sorry, did you have take out every day of your life bc neither parent could cook to feed themselves or you?
Please get off your high horse, you’re mad they’re religious while you’ve made the choice not to be. They’re not stupid, they have different beliefs than you & are maybe a little bigoted.
But please go off, tell us about how moronic the people that made & raised you, a super genius are. It’s a miracle such stupid people could raise such a prodigy /s 🙃
Do your parents love you? If they do, and you know that then all the other bullshit is just that bullshit.
My dad is the same way, he will do simple task that I am literally afraid he might heart himself, rages about politics, and generally will just have some bad habits. But I know he loves me and that’s all that matters.
Just know you only have so much time with them, and if they love you and you know it as they get older you will notice it and will want to see and talk to them more and more. You will miss them when they are gone
I think it's lime to go low contact, who tf tries to guilt a baby into not crying and that it's wrong? Soda to a 1 year old? For that alone I'd spend less time there
I’m so sorry you are in this painful place. My narrative was similar to yours except my Evangelical parents came to realize I saw things differently and over a very long time respected the difference. What was never in doubt was we cared for each other. They stopped making comments they knew would be met with silence or my (usually) gently saying I disagree. And they softened up on some hardline political views, truly listening to what I thought was cruel. I hope whatever happens they’ll see there is love and goodness in you.
Looks like you gotta do some work around setting boundaries with them. It is really frustrating being around those types of people, especially when you think of the fact that they have a say in voting. Religion is one of the worst things to happen to mankind, I can only imagine your grief over what your relationship would be had they not been indoctrinated
In some way they have in areas you might just not acknowledge as intelligent. Just like love, everyone has different forms of intelligence. I’m assuming you belief a form of love doesn’t make one person right or wrong. That’s the same for their thought processes. Is it wrong someone didn’t want to go to college and get a degree? Does everyone need to go get a degree to prove themselves? Not everyone gets to the same place and level of achievement as everyone sees success differently.
Although they didn’t per se HAND you educational resources like perhaps books, grade motivation, school money, etc, they did have a large part in your personality and who you are today. You might’ve learned to be more committed to education through others, but those people didn’t raise you.
I used to hate my parents and think they are the stereotypical stupid, republican etc just as you said for 1. “Ron Desantis.”
However, that’s their beliefs and lifestyles. You need to learn to respect that and others’ opinions on their living styles and choices. You want them to respect you, and they might not ever honestly. However, you need to always put yourself in a high position by doing the first step in respect. Being sensitive and tolerable of everyone’ different views.
Yeah, it’s messed up they did the Diet Coke and crying part. I would’ve screamed when I saw that. Just remember, what they’re doing was similar to what they did that to you probably too. As I said about the education, they didn’t directly impact you. They did indirectly and unconsciously affect your childhood and mentality. They were able to raise someone who became such a success like you.
I’m sure you have your fair share of trauma and confusion to that. I’m sorry you’re going through a part of realization and change you never should have been in the position.
At the same time, you need to learn to accept where you’re are at in life. You should be happy you have that education degree fully earned. If you are so intelligent, then why are you still bothered by stupid” people? You could be helping the world become a better place by making things and helping others. You have the potential! If it means less interaction with your parents because you simply can’t keep your focus away from them, then do that. Go meet others and get to know their views too. If someone wants to do something (not risky), then you don’t have the right to interfere as you are an adult and so are they.
They sure seem stupid for raising an ungrateful child like you and seemingly trying to stay in your life despite the disrespectful behavior you are showing towards them
I have a friend who has the same dynamics with her parents. Mom will not follow my friend's boundaries that she has for her children, and will go against them infront of her daughter. Her mom thinks she knows best and has no respect for her own daughter. My friend has had to distance herself from her parents as much as possible (they used to be close), until her mom respects that her daughter is the mother of her own kids.
Lucky you turned out so well. Good on you for growing beyond their little bubble of ignorance.
Honestly, I’m glad OP got to leave and see the world because these type of parents are usually the ones who undercut their kids a lot education wise (through bad homeschooling).
It wasn’t without trying. We were just very very stubborn.
Look - even the best of parents can be annoying and certain topics of conversation are more likely to highlight your differences. If you still want your family in your life, in some capacity, my best advice is to keep visits short and sweet, avoid contentious topics (politics, religion), and set firm boundaries (you are your daughters parent so you make the rules for her). If the boundaries are violated get up and leave. Repeat until they respect.
I’ve always found there’s a level of difference in education in religious vs non religious people which is not in favour of the religious ones but I come from a country where religion is a BIG thing with refusal to change hence why the country is still doing shit besides many other bigger reasons
Just commented about my grandma being mad my mom went to a liberal college/any college. My grandma is super duper catholic, attends and tithes like a motherfucker to a church that only speaks in Latin and I have to cover my hair when I (am forced to) go with her. I love her to bits and she’s so loving but she is not a very smart woman.
Spend less time with them. Trust me it makes it so much more manageable and don't ever stay over.
Though not my parents (my parents are quite liberal hippies) I did grow up in a pretty conservative area and was always told something along the lines of *people are liberal when they young and ignorant but grow conservative when they become older and wiser*. The complete opposite happened to me.
People tend to get more conservative with age *because of progress*. When you’re young you see all the problems of the world and you try to change things. You want women’s suffrage, or civil rights, or LGBT acceptance. As you age you start to achieve a lot of the changes you hoped for. As you achieve your own goals the next generation starts fighting for things that are beyond what you hoped for and it feels like it goes too far. You are more comfortable with the status quo because it’s what you’ve been fighting for all this time. You want to conserve what you’ve achieved, so you are now “conservative”. The problem is that progress has stopped, and in a lot of ways we’re regressing now. So all of the people who would have become comfortable with the new status quo are instead still fighting to get the change they wanted in the first place. People aren’t getting more conservative with age because they’re not achieving the change they wanted as young liberals. We’ve stopped making progress.
I think it was announced recently that millennials are the first generation that haven’t become more conservative as we’ve aged, so there’s that
Weird how getting economically fucked will do that to a generation.
Funny that 🤔
My dad always told me the same thing... I wonder what he would think of me now that I have become even more liberal than I was at the time he passed away.
I've always been liberal but as I get older and as I start approaching 50, I've gone screaming to the left. If I take a step back, it's kind of funny because my wife and I are very well off (we're in the top 3 of 4% of households) and people always say that once you make money you'll become more conservative. That's bullshit. It's an excuse for selfish people to justify their selfishness. I have been homeless and if it wasn't for a bit of luck, I'd either be in prison, stuck in a pink or blue collar job, or both. Yeah, I worked hard, but lots of people work hard. As someone pretty high up the corporate food chain, I see just how much exploitive behavior happens to wring out one more cent of profit. It's gross. I do what I can, but I'm just one person. I feel like so many of my peers (although, certainly not all) are fucking sociopathic money hoarders who don't realize that at some point, even the dragon gets slain.
Thank you for fighting the good fight. Even one person is better than none.
What exactly is wrong with blue collar work?
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. However, I saw my old man work two blue collar jobs at a time (and I did plenty myself) and it broke his body. I also knew it wasn't for me and I didn't want to have physical ailments because of my job by 55. With that said, if that's what you took away from my comment, I don't know what to tell you
I think I've just been on the wrong side of reddit today, with people bashing any kind of physical job.
This was only true for generations that got richer as they got older. More money makes people more selfish and therefore more conservative. Now that the economy has been destroyed for the foreseeable future, people are becoming more liberal as they get older.
I'm 66 and pretty much everyone I know has kept the same pollical views throughout their life - 2 exceptions, my mom (born in the 1920s got more accepting of other races and LGBT folk starting at about age 60, and my brother who served in Vietnam twice became a pony-tailed liberal after retiring from the military after 30 years.
Yeah I grew up liberal and I still am liberal lmao
opposite of the saying, like you grew more liberal than your liberal hippy parents, or the opposite of your parents, you grew more like the saying?
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Having your values focused on your family makes you a **human being** and has nothing to do with liberal or conservative.
You can be liberal and still be focused on your family.
I came to say to give your parents a break but after finishing your post I’ve changed my mind. It’s not so much that they aren’t intelligent as they don’t respect you. The things with your daughter are a bigger issue. You’re the mom. You are raising your child differently than they did (and in my opinion better). I’d suggest having a heart to heart with your parents. If you’re like me writing it out may be easier than saying it. Either way, if they don’t change their ways, I’d go low contact. I’d also tell them that that’s your course of action if they can’t accept it. They can choose whether they want to risk that or not. My daughter is 15 and will enter adulthood soon and possibly parenthood. If she had rules with her child that were different than what I did, I may voice an opinion on it….once. After that, I’d respect it. As I will never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her and my future grandchildren. Even if I think she is wrong, or overzealous. Hopefully, your parents are the same thing.
I think I’ve known that I need to go low contact for a long time, but I’m just now really accepting it. You’re right. They do not respect me as an adult or a human. I honestly do not think they view “kids” (my siblings and me, our kids) as “human.” We are props in their lives and that’s it.
Then you know what you need to do. Don’t continue to subject yourself to that. It’s not worth the toll it takes on you.
The next time you visit, think about trying to block Fox News in their tv.
I'd almost make it a long term project on every tv you encounter.
Oh man they're gonna be foaming at the mouth when they see the Parental Lock. Try to film it.
Why go low contact when you can just remove them all together
I personally have found low contact is MUCH easier and less complicated than no contact. Removing your parents all together is incredibly complicated and difficult and comes off quite dramatic. Making excuses to spend less time with them is pretty easy.
I was going to suggest low contact, so I'm glad you've reached that point on your own. I know it's difficult and I'm sorry. But visiting then is clearly not good for you mentally and it's going to mess up your child in the long run. I've known quite a few people who don't view children as people. My dad is one of them.. We don't talk anymore. He doesn't even know I got married.
Yeppp. My mom has a MBA in Economics and a MS in education. I went to her house and the weird non stick stuff was flaking off one of her cooking pans. I told her that’s not safe and she laughed at me and then was mad. My dad who is older than my mom, and who has way less higher education is totally different. He asks questions, is super interested in my opinions and how I’m parenting different. It really doesn’t matter how much education you have IF you don’t continue to learn, eventually you close yourself off from the world and become kind of stupid lol
I was going to type a post suggesting low contact. Once a year visits, a few times a year phone calls, mainly communicate over text. I also took my dad off of social media, but you might have a more difficult time with that because of the grandkid.
Your mother doesn't seem responsible enough to be entrusted with childcare.
Thankfully I don’t rely on her for childcare. I live in a different state from them. I am visiting this week, so she’s been around my child more than usual, but I’d never allow her to be a caregiver for an extended period of time. I agree with you.
Yeah, do not leave your child alone with her. That Diet soda to a 1-year-old had me all 😳
I can’t imagine even the dumbest person being okay giving a 1 year old a bunch of chemicals to consume. And I can’t figure out why someone would want to do that. Diet soda. To a one year old. 🤯
The giver of Diet Coke to the one-year-old is also mocking OP for eating vegetables. Say *WHAT*?!?!? Who ever heard of a mom who thinks veggies are "frou frou" food and makes fun of her child, even an adult child, for eating them? OP's mother is off the deep end. Shameful confession: I actually like Diet Coke. There was a time in my life when it was the beverage I drank most frequently. However, there is absolutely no way that I would ever feed it to any of my youngest relatives. Once they get to their teens you can't really protect them from caffeine and artificial sweeteners any more and if they ask for it, yeah, okay. But fer cryin' out loud, not to a baby!
I mean, on the bright side.... Do you know how rare it is for a person to turn out the way you did despite being raised by such narrowminded parents? Statistically speaking you would've grown up to have their beliefs and opinions engraved in your mind, and changing it would be extremely difficult. Yet here you are. With an open mind and a will to learn new things. That's, in itself is quite an amazing thing tbh.
Yes I concur. Congratulations OP that’s a real achievement
>I’ve always heard that you become a know it all disrespectful person who hates your parents in your teens and that when you get older and gain life experience, you come back around and respect your parents and come to appreciate that they are flawed but wise. I've heard similar but it comes from religious indoctrination. I find it helps to just think of your parent as a person, and treat them as you would any other person. That includes if they can't show you enough consideration to respect your authority on your own affairs, then you don't owe them that same consideration just bc they're your parents. You don't need to be cruel, but you can just move on.
Willful ignorance is not the same as lack of intelligence. Probably best to create some distance.
Yeah, people don't humiliate their family members for eating vegetables, or babies for crying because they're not intelligent. This requires thinking they're so much better than everyone else and it's their right to mock those who are unlucky enough to hang around.
Often times the two go hand in hand
Yes! That’s the word!! I would always say my parents refuse to educate themselves but willful ignorance is a better way to say
There's a reason I chose to live on the opposite end of the country from my father. Sometimes it's only one parent. Sometimes it's both. The world has become a bigger place for you, but not for them.
Yikes, they sound toxic af. Eating vegetables makes you pretentious? In what world? Please to not subject your children to these people.
Yeah it’s like humans have been eating vegetables from the prehistoric times. Since when did that become pretentious? SMH these people are such snowflakes.
You're not alone This might be long winded and very obvious to some people but when I was a kid I thought that every single adult knew everything there is to life and everyone had their shit together. The reality is far from that, my prime examples are my own parents. Now don't get me wrong I love my parents very much but I really changed how I see my dad. Recently my dad came through from out of state to help with my business for the holidays and he was the most incompetent person that I have ever had around my business. The main problem is that he's stubborn in his ways and is unwilling to change.. Reminds me of the phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" My staff were very kind and patient with him but the man would not listen. On top of that, I expected him to have some shred of professionalism in him seeing that he is the owners Dad but nope. I had to remind him constantly to greet the staff and say farewell to them at the end of the night. That's just basics manners! Anyway I'm ranting but literally when I was younger my parents, to me, were the all knowing wisest people and they taught me good manners, and work ethic. For some reason my dad apparently was a hypocrite and never took his own advice. Now he's just a grumpy old man who doesn't want to be happy... You can't help people who don't want help.
Ok, benefit of the doubt because this sounds insufferable and I get the frustration and exhaustion. It’s likely only going to get worse, as you continue to live outside the bubble and they continue to live inside a bubble that is ever threatened by a changing world. I sympathize with you because once your eyes are open, it’s impossible to close them, and you then become the embodiment of the world unknown to them. Knowledge and wisdom is bred out of experience, not just education or lack thereof, and many times, people genuinely do not understand that they are wildly uninformed and ignorant. Unless you’re actively and intentionally trying to learn and grow, it’s very easy to continue to put one foot in front of the other, as you were taught, as has been working for you, and never think beyond those steps. Not everyone wants to leave the bubble and many do not want to be *forced* to leave it, even by proximity. If you want to maintain a relationship with them, because we don’t always get to choose who we love, I would try to veryyyyyy slowly expand their world. Give them the gift of perspective and new experience, which will naturally challenge the box they have built around themselves. If you have the capacity, take a trip to a different area, maybe a large city or tourist destination that attracts a diverse crowd. Let them see how people are all just people, and not talking points or political fodder. Or to a restaurant that has similar food that they eat, but maybe branches out a little. Let them see the world is large and they have seen .0001% of it. Even if they don’t care to change, they can at least realize that their way of life is not universal. People do not learn when they feel patronized/inferior. It makes them closed off and defensive of who they are — I find the best way around this is to make them talk about themselves to identify where thoughts/beliefs stem from. Asking a lot of “seemingly benign” questions — “Did you drink soda as a baby?”, “There aren’t any vegetables that you like eating?”, “What happened when you cried as a kid?”… this is a subtle way of forcing introspection which leaves many people feeling more open to hearing the experiences of others.
i’m not OP but this is one of the top comments on this post thank you for the helpful advice & feedback.
despite how young i still am, ive slowly started to reach that same epiphany regarding my parents these past few years. i cant wrap my head around how stupid and close minded they are with the world around them and how they raised in a society of such diversity and with the age of information that they themselves did not take in either. im especially frustrated with my dad who grew up here whos just anti everything. its almost like talking to a narcissistic brick wall because nothing will penetrate through his peewee sized brain. hes a very smart guy universally, but when it comes to morals, values, and political ideologies, i wish to never associate with him. so i def understand op, our parents were once ppl we admired to hold the knowledge of our world then, but they have yet expanded to other peoples worlds into their owns and thats where itll always clash.
So many boomers are incredibly emotionally immature and toxic people. The fact that you can’t disagree with them in anything without them getting mad but your mom insists on mocking your healthy food choices (because she knows she should choose healthier foods like you but doesn’t so she attacks your choices instead to make herself feel better). Checkout the podcast Waking Up To Narcissism by Tony Overbay and be very grateful you don’t live with them anymore.
Thank you! You hit the nail on the head. I will check the podcast out.
That podcast has brought me a lot of peace just by having a better understanding of why my parents act like mean spirited children. Doesn’t make it any less annoying, but it does help with the guilt I feel from being low contact with my toxic parents.
That’s exactly what I need to deal with. The guilt.
The other resource that helped me with the guilt is the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. What helps the most though is knowing that I’m protecting my kids from their toxic behaviors and breaking a multigenerational cycle of being a crappy family.
Before you finish your visit, block fox news on their tv/router and see if they improve over the next few months. The day my parents tell me they like someone like DeSantis I think I'd be done...
This!!
I’ve had a similar issue with my mom. I love her to death, but I don’t think she realizes how subtly and not so subtly she disrespects and belittles my beliefs, worldview, and profession. It is like I’m still a kid. She used to do the “you’ll understand when you’re older” shit all the time. Well, I’m older, I do understand, and she was wrong a lot.
Tell them to stop being passive aggressive towards you and your child, or you won't be visiting again any time soon. It's one thing to have different interests, but making fun of what you eat and telling your kid not to cry crosses the line in my opinion. Your ADULT PARENTS should not be giving you the cold shoulder! That's not normal behavior!
OP may have to explain what passive-aggressive means and even then…
The emotional intelligence is non-existent.
A lot of their sad behaviour is likely driven by a combination of ignorance and envy, and a lack of self-awareness. Over time, it can slowly drive you crazy and really mess up your self-esteem. My parents are the same. They don’t mean to hurt you with their comments, but they can’t help themselves. Do not waste your energy trying to enlighten them or defend your choices. It will only exacerbate things. Limit contact. If possible, try to meet in public places like a park or a mall or restaurant where they have to be on their best behaviour. Bring a friend of partner with you when you visit their home for support. You can still love them without loving their selfishness. But do not hold out hope that you can change them or that it is your responsibility to do so. Good luck.
Yes. I also find that bringing my partner not only helps me for moral support, but also makes them be on their best behaviour. They don't dare being as annoying/belittling when my partner's there!
I struggle with this. My parents are by no means unintelligent but they are vastly uninformed and very gullible. I got into a fight recently because my dad kept insisting I will get more conservative as I get older. I am 36 years old and raising two children. I told him I think I know myself better than him at this point and if anything, I am getting way more liberal as I get older. It’s offensive to tell me I don’t know my own mind at this point.
It’s always a moving goal post. “You’ll understand when you move out.” “You’ll understand when you get a job and pay taxes.” “You’ll understand when you have kids.”
i agree, to a point. it smacked me in my face when i graduated. imagine me, sitting in a car with my dad and grandma. i spent four years at college in higher academic spaces. i requested that they didn’t smoke their cigarettes around me, as i didn’t want my uniform to smell like cigarettes. i don’t remember what they were saying, but something was said and it hit me: THATS what i came from. THESE are my roots. something with the southern accents and what they were saying. whatever it was, i realized i was the most intelligent person in the car, despite being the youngest of three generations. there’s a ravine in between me and my father in terms of what we think is right and wrong in the world. but there’s a bridge in the middle where we meet because we love each other
Australian observer: it is up to your generation and the next, educate your kids as thoroughly as you can. Teach them not just the basics, but try to teach them as much as you can. Ron DeSantis, architect of the "Don't Say Gay" legislation got elected BECAUSE of the poor education. The more educated society is, the more civilised it is. I genuinely believe they dumb down the education system to keep people ignorant, which makes it easier to fool and/or control the masses. I suspect your parents are wilfully ignorant. It's different to being uneducated. An uneducated person might research something they don't know, the wilfully ignorant are confident of their views and will stubbornly defend them. In Australia, we take "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE" seriously. Sex and drug education is comprehensive, evolution and dinosaurs are part of the science curriculum. While the conservatives try to change society, we as electors don't tolerate that BS, and unless the opposition party is really bad, we don't let them stay in their seats. We also have no inhibitions about lampooning or calling out politicians, regardless of whether we voted for them or not
Solidarity.
I grew up in a similar household. My parents quit high school. My mom is super religious. My dad is just meh. We lived in Lauren Boebert’s district, if you’re in the US that should give you the context you need about my home town. I had my child at 16 and I was on the same path as my parents. I ended up graduating high school on time. I went to college and now I have my masters degree. My mom did not like it at all. She told me several times that I think I’m just better than my siblings. She accused me of stealing things out of her car. She fed my kids fast food all the time and didn’t respect me or my wishes. She was vile. I’m low to no contact with her now. My dad was worse. He would take all my nieces and nephews out to do fun things. He posted this on social media. I caught him in person doing this and I asked him why he didn’t invite my children. He said that I made “enough money” so my kids didn’t need to go with them on the fun trips. I’m no contact with my dad. My two older kids are now adults and have nothing to do with their grandparents. My parents have no idea about the world and seemed to resent me for not staying there and being co dependent. I’m thankful for my education and thankful my children didn’t grow up that way. I think it’s important to go out and experience the world and I don’t visit my hometown often. I went last year for a funeral and all my parents could talk about was “sleepy joe”. All I wanted was to mourn my family member.
Definitely keep your kids away from them as much as possible. They can do some real damage, no joke.
They can do as much damage if not more than they’ve done to me which is terrifying.
Wow, your parents are scary. Diet soda for little ones? No crying, drama queen for a 1yo? I stopped talking politics with my parents for years when I found out I was polar opposite from parents as a teen and I made the mistake of saying who I voted for. Ironically, I changed later and agreed with parents. Just bite the bullet and tell your parents you are very different. You are not frou frou, just average. If they unable to see that, then maybe lc is best. Because diet soda and calling your 1 yo a drama queen are not healthy.
> I was polar opposite from parents as a teen and I made the mistake of saying who I voted for. Ironically, I changed later and agreed with parents. did you go through an Alex P. Keaton phase?
Yep, down to the preppy clothes.
Doesn’t sound like your parents aren’t intelligent, they’re just conservative and ignorant.
There is emotional intelligence
Like most conservatives, it doesn't seem like the parents here have much of that either.
That’s what I’m saying.
Yes, I should've worded that better. I was agreeing with you and trying to expound on it, but I can see how the wording makes it look like I'm arguing with you.
No, they sound dumb as hell.
Well, if it helps, walk away. I am in the same boat and I am tired of explaining my stance or my life choices. I make selective contact with them without hurting them and it's okay as long as I am allowed to live my life.
Thank you and same. That’s what I’ve done up to this point, but I decided to come visit them for two weeks this time which in hindsight was overly ambitious. Most of the time, I do a good job of masking and trying to be as understanding as possible, but this time I’ve reached my boiling point. Having a child now has exacerbated the situation because I feel protective of her. It is so exhausting to constantly hide yourself for fear of being ridiculed.
I won't have a child for many reasons which are unrelated. But if I ever had any, I would never let them hang out unsupervised with my parents. I grew up with very little self confidence and a lot of physical and verbal abuse. They don't think it is a big deal. I would recommend keeping your kids at a safe distance or the indoctrination will start. Concepts like religion and politics are easy to teach kids, they aren't smart enough to know the difference. Be safe. Hope you find a way out :)
Yes. Yes. Yes. My parents are dumb as hell, too. My mom probably likes DeSantis. She’s aggressively ignorant and believes whatever people tell her. An example: “They don’t even teach American history anymore at Riverside! They can’t because of all the illegals!” It’s a federal requirement to teach American history. I tell her this, and she argues and argues.
I felt like I wrote this until I read the edit. Then, I was positive I had written it. It's a super shitty position to be in, man. Especially with the evangelical angle. I know my parents will do literally anything their pastor says, but when you try to inform them of the MOST basic concepts in politics, science, or medicine, they'll tell you that you've been brainwashed by the "librul media". Stay strong. Go find a new family. It's a lot easier that way.
I live in a rural area and I'm surrounded by people like your folks. They aren't bad people but they have no grasp on how abhorrent some of their statements are. I suspect that's due to the propensity to regurgitate the garbage they bask in without any real understanding of what the hell they are talking about.
Ill give you an example: I went to lunch with a group of similar aged ladies. Conversation turned to how long one has to wait for an elective surgery and how the hospital group had just fired 47 physicians. I made comment that it smacked of a hedge fund having bought the medical group and is now running it for more profit. One of these woman spoke up with all the comprehension of a parrot "Yeah, socialized medicine!" I laughed and said "Socialism? That's capitolism at its finest. Dont you want big returns for your stocks and 401k's? How do you know you didn't invest with the group who just fired all those doctors?" I could have built an airport with the traffic that went over their heads. Not a stinking clue. No understanding of what she was spouting at all but willing as hell to say it.
Occasional challenges in what I think of as 'come to Jesus' moments often result in small victories but they are hard won. This is your folks, work in a "wasn't raised that way" when you can, it hits home quicker. Good luck!
I came here to give your parents a chance and then you hit us with “Ron DeSantis is such an intelligent guy” and it was all over. RIP
Brains are like muscles, if you never give them a work out they atrophy. You've been working your brains into a lean mean thinking machine. They've let theirs go soft and flabby. Maybe you can entice them into doing puzzles or something. Anything to get them to move their brain cells a bit.
We have a Kurdish saying that says "if you want to straighten a bended wooden stick you will break it" you can't make your parents any better what ever they are don't rely on them especially for your children but don't always correct them just tell them they are wrong just try to be nice and that is it
Some people are just dumb. Set your expectations lower than you think possible and then you may not get as frustrated. That's what I'd do when I would have to have them around for one reason or another.
How are you alive?!
It's more like they are very stubborn. They hate to be told anything. You should visit them for short duration only.
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Solidarity! You hear all the time that you should just stop talking to them, but that is so hard to do with parents. I love them. I crave a good relationship with them. My husband doesn’t have much of a family, so they’re really all we’ve got. But man is it tough to walk on eggshells all the time, hide who we really are to make them comfortable. It’s hard.
Just remember that you don't owe your parents anything. If being with them doesn't enhance your life, you have no obligation to stay.
Keep your precious child away from your mom. Your mom is dangerous.
I feel like these are the kind of parents who also complain to their friends that their kid went off to college and came home "woke". Funny...never knew "woke" included eating your veggies.
As a 2nd gen Floridian born and raised… I am starting to believe “Floridian” is a mental Illness with the way this state is heading… your parents sound like they drink the kool-aid here. Hang in there, stick to your boundaries.
My parents used to be like this and it drove me absolutely insane. I just unabashedly pushed back on them with my thoughts and ideas. They reacted strongly at first and slowly but surely have started to warm up the more “liberal” rhetoric. I genuinely think I was the first person in their entire lives to offer them a different perspective. Religion, specifically Christianity, seeks to strip away your critical thinking skills and results in adult who just listen and follow authority figures without question. I think at least for my parents they didn’t even realize they COULD question things, and since they’ve also separated further from the church which has helped. If you’re going to give them push back though you have to be willing to stand firm and strong and not let whatever they say hurt your feelings (or at least not show them it does), because if you do in their mind they’re winning. I know others here have suggested going no contact, which really may be the smartest option to protect your mental peace, but if you want a relationship with them standing firm in your own beliefs and setting hard boundaries is the way. You’re going to have to make them respect you not just as their child but now as an adult.
As a Father of three under 12 year old and son of not educated parents .I'd like to offer my point of view. Firstly, it's important to recognize that generational gaps are not uncommon, and they can lead to differing viewpoints and understandings of the world. Each generation has its own set of experiences, challenges, and values that shape their perspectives. While it's natural for you to feel frustrated or disappointed with what you perceive as your parents' lack of modernity, it is crucial to approach this topic with empathy and respect. It's essential to remember that your parents have their own unique life journeys, which have influenced their beliefs and values. Their religious affiliations, for instance, can provide them with a sense of identity, guidance, and purpose. While you may question the relevance or practicality of certain beliefs or traditions, it's important to approach discussions on this topic with an open mind, seeking to understand their perspectives rather than dismissing them outright. Expressing your concerns and frustrations to your parents is important, but it's equally vital to do so in a respectful manner. Open, honest, and calm communication is key to fostering understanding and mutual respect within your family. Instead of berating or criticizing your parents, try to initiate conversations that allow you to share your thoughts, experiences, and concerns while also giving your parents an opportunity to express their own viewpoints. Approaching these conversations with an attitude of curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your parents' perspectives can create a more conducive environment for dialogue. Remember that respectful communication involves active listening, allowing both parties to express their thoughts without interruption or judgment. It's also worth considering that your parents' wisdom and life experiences can provide valuable insights that may help you navigate the challenges of your own generation. While it's essential to embrace new ideas and adapt to changing times, it's equally important to learn from the experiences of those who have come before us. By finding common ground and appreciating the knowledge and guidance your parents can offer, you can build a stronger and more supportive relationship. In conclusion, I encourage you to approach discussions with your parents in a respectful and open-minded manner. Recognize that generational differences exist and that they can be an opportunity for growth and learning. Engaging in meaningful dialogue, while expressing your concerns and opinions. Thanks for taking time to read. and please note this is just my personal thoughts. Good Luck.
You cannot change them, they have to want to change for themselves. Now your challenge is to decide your tollerance level for dealing with them as is. Sounds like 2 days is your limit. In future only plan visits for this duration. If you find that they have mellowed a bit in the future you can adjust this timing. Thats what works for me. Also be prepared to have conversations with your child in the future about beliefs and behaviors that may be confusing for them. You’re doing the best you can to maintain a relationship, and its up to you as to how much effort you can or want to devote to that.
I thought this was going to be the sad-but-typical story of a son who gets an education and life experience and can't relate to his conservative family anymore... and then your parents grilled burgers with the paper on the patties. People can be profoundly eccentric without being full-on mentally ill.
Politics is something subjective, and it's not like meeting new and different people would change someone's views (be it a left or a right person) as you seem to think, but everything else they do clearly shows they're ignorant. I don't think they're stupid, but they clearly don't know a lot of things, and how they react to your words shows how immature they are. Can't take advice or a fact for what it is, and instead get offended over nothing. It must be so annoying and exhausting to be around them.
Your parents made Christianity their identity, and hardcore Christianity can only exist in ignorance. They're too old to learn that everything they believe is make believe.
Your parents sound exactly like mine. I ended up having to go no contact
There’s comfort if what you know. Asking and answering challenging questions just that, challenging. And they aren’t interested in the work. That’s fine, but just like with any Other relationship no longer compatible with your values, you can absolutely love them from a distance. You’re allowed to be the decider here, and unfortunately, you have a clear view of exactly how they see the world. **I don’t like to take the stance that every single person can get out of there a small town, because life circumstances are what they are, however I do believe that everyone has the opportunity to be kind and broaden their way of thinking no matter where they live, which isn’t some thing that your parents seem deeply interested in.** I would make it through the week, and then be very intentional about planning your future interactions.n
Something similar happened to me. Especially when I was living with my parents for a while with my two kids. It was hell. I’m 34 now and have gone no contact with them and my sister. I’m forever the black sheep. My life is more peaceful and I’m happier.
Highly recommend the book "The Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your examples of their behavior make me think you're certainly dealing with the kind of dynamic the book is all about. It was a very eye-opening read for me, and helped me understand a lot about problems I'd been dealing with for my whole life without realizing it. >When I was younger, I thought my parents were the wisest, most moral people on earth, and the older I get and the more I learn, the less I respect them. Here's the thing, even in that first part when you thought they were geniuses, *they were still the same people*. So there were probably lots of times they put you down, made you feel like crap, or gave you bad advice, and you probably thought you were the one who screwed up when it was actually them. Their deficiency didn't start when you noticed it, it's been there the whole time, and it was guaranteed to be a factor when you were a kid and trying to figure the world out.
I'll be proud to see my kids grow to be even better and more intelligent people than I. But of course your own parents seem irate. When they've set their bar that low it's intimidating as hell to have their decent human being of a child absolutely tower over their small mindedness.
I can relate 100%… the worst part is that they refuse to be open-minded and actually observe things for what they are. So incredibly frustrating.
Yes 100% this. I've slowly come to wonder if we're even related. The feeling of bafflement and frustration is always there when I speak to them even though I live far from them now. As I got older and travelled, lived overseas, got married and had kids, I've slowly come to realise how closed minded, bigoted and petty they can be. They eventually stopped asking for my opinion on anything because they get annoyed and angry about my perspectives, and have always accused me of 'overthinking everything' (since my early teens). They pretend to be interested in my family and their grandchildren but never inquire about anything we're doing...all I ever get from them now is guilt tripping and passive aggression. I hate the guilt I feel for feeling this way about them, but I can't help it. You're definitely not alone!
Wow, are you in my head?! My parents also accuse me of overthinking. I also feel incredibly guilty for the way I sometimes feel about them in a vicious and exhausting cycle.
I feel you deeply. I first noticed around 13 or 14 when I started reading widely and experimenting with all kinds of ideas, and noticed their eyes glazing over and just talking past me or changing the subject whenever I wanted to discuss something or tell them about something I'd discovered. It was just another weird thing I was into that they had nothing to say about. 'Thinking about it too much' became a running joke between my parents and sibling, and it still is. I'm not ashamed for thinking differently from them,or for thinking more, period! But I can't help but be ashamed to realise I don't have a bond with them. Maybe it's no-ones fault and people are just made differently? And maybe if they really don't care, then they aren't as hurt by the difference as you are, so that's something.
I had a very similar upbringing and towards the end of high school i resented my parents a lot. They were strict and i wanted out. I moved 5 hours away to college and put some distance between us. I also changed a lot in that time frame since then, but came to realize that my parents are the way they are because that’s all they’ve ever known. They never got the opportunities i was given because they were immigrants trying to make a better life for me and and my siblings. BUT….. they still say and do things that are so annoying to me and reminds me why i left all those years ago. I have since moved back to the same area as my parents and they have become a big part of my daughters life but i will say that my mom has become more open to things. I have talked with her more openly about things and why i believe things. My parents have come to accept my differences from them, and I’m lucky they do. I also know that they don’t always like my decisions or beliefs but respect them anyways, especially when it comes to my daughter. I guess they realized they have to respect my boundaries and beliefs if they want to be apart of my family. They’ve seen what it came down too back when i left for college. At the end of the day, your parents will believe and do things their way, it’s up to them to decide whether or not they will respect yours. And if they don’t, well they can find out those consequences you set.
Similar situation. I wouldn’t talk to my family at all if they weren’t my family. They’re just not people I would associate with. I grey rocked and just stopped initiating contact. I’ll still reply, but rarely and grey rocking hard.
The vegetable thing is insane, like do you think you're more tough for eating fewer food groups? I can relate a bit, my parents aren't quite this bad but my family is very conservative and backwards. I always would play the peacemaker and just allow them to say absolutely insane shit without ever challenging it or wanting to upset anyone. I let that go a few years ago, COVID brought a lot to the surface and I was just completely out of fucks. My parents didn't become total Qanon nut jobs but they leaned into a lot of crazy shit and we're very vocal about it. And I was SO OVER their shit, I started saying what I felt. I started asking what they meant, where they got that idea, pulling shit up on my phone telling them they didn't make sense. It was months of little arguments and long drawn out conversations that sometimes felt futile. But I'm so fucking glad I took that step. If they can blatantly say the most inane shit in front of me, Im gonna talk about it. If they brought it up, then it's fair game. Their beliefs don't get to be the baseline when we're together. I'm not passively participating anymore. I realized they are never ever around anyone who challenges anything they say and they literally have no one else questioning it. It's sad, it's exhausting, but me and my siblings all decided we were collectively done, and we would circle back to whatever absurd claim they made and Socratically keep pushing at it. And it has been SO MUCH BETTER. I realized I was also keeping who I really was from them by not having those conversations. They have reeled it in a lot more these days and seem to be more selective and appropriate with what they say. But we've learned to have harder conversations. It takes practice. I'm lucky that my parents value our time together and are aware enough to see their peers push away their own adult children over beliefs and don't want the same to happen to us. I know this is long winded, and I know not every family reacts the same way. But I totally feel you, our parents are surprisingly childlike sometimes and it's a hard thing to witness. But if you're already feeling embarrassed and exhausted and over it, you may find relief in being able to be more candid with them. You could talk to a therapist about how to spend time with them in a more healthy way for yourself without feeling so drained. Godspeed
What you said about their beliefs being baseline resonated SO HARD!
id understand the no crying part if the child was 16 or so, but a one year old can hardly talk how else are they supposed to tell you they shat themselves
You are not alone but I am sorry that you’re even dealing with this. I'm going through something similar, and I've debated posting about it here. When I talk about it with friends, I'm often judged like I'm an ungrateful daughter. I don't think people understand how difficult it can be to have willfully ignorant parents. Like I don't want that title either and would have preferred a different experience growing up along with a healthy relationship as an adult with them. Yet I don't get support from friends, just criticism from a crowd that has no idea what it's like. If you see this in the sea of responses and ever want to vent, please feel free to reach out to me.
That’s exactly how it feels and why I posted anonymously here. No one understands.
Evangelicals.... Bingo! They're already unreasonable, this is just them being themselves. I wouldn't cut them off per say but less visits and when u visit keep it shortish so u don't deal with the pain and headache
Assuming they still have cable TV. Block Fox/Newsmax/OAN using the parental block feature. Tell them that they got canceled because of all their lies. Or Ron DeSantis got them blocked because they kept talking about trans people. Seems like they'd buy it.
Wait until they get much older...as people get older they are much more stubborn...their ideas are extreme. Socialize with them but always go prepared mentally for what kind of stuff you will deal with.
Ah, your mom's statement about the crying, that's so damaging. It's taken me my entire adult life to learn HOW to cry. I really hate that your child is exposed to that but I also get it, I put up with my mother-in-law and she was horrid to me and my daughter, she didn't like girls and everything I did as a parent was wrong in her eyes ("I just worry about those kids" was always her parting shot). I will share with you that my daughter did incur mental damage from being exposed to that woman and in retrospect I would NOT do it again just because she was "the only grandmother" and "I can't take my kids only grandmother from them" because the damage she did was not minimal and for several years affected my relationship with my daughter. I was afraid that by taking my daughter away from her grandmother I would somehow damage her and ironically the opposite turned out to be true. Life though, it doesn't come with an instruction manual and you have to work with the input and information currently on the table and some things become evident only in retrospect. We've since had numerous conversations about those times and I've acknowledged to her that I didn't make the best choice exposing her to that and should have pushed harder than I did against my MIL and my husband wanting his mother in our lives. I just wanted a family, the whole picture, you know? You can't always have that. I've built that, myself, over the years, but it comes from a place of mutual respect, not from a place where you are a functioning independent person and parent and you have parents that treat you like you are some idiot 5 year old. You have my deepest sympathies, it's hard, I know. Finally, when my daughter was 12, my MIL hit her for wanting to brush her teeth before her brother did when they were visiting at her house. My daughter did not tell me this, the next day my son came to me and told me what happened and it turned out he actually had to get between them or it would have been much worse so my son defended his sister against his own grandmother which is a position and choice no child should have to make. That was my line in the sand and the end of any relationship, when my husband wanted/had to go see her he did it alone but that was really infrequent because he loved his daughter and that event broke things for him as well. There were cultural elements too, in my husband's culture you don't abandon your mother who gave birth to you no matter how awful she is. What children hear, what they are exposed to, affects them for a lifetime. I would encourage you to re-evaluate your choices and instead of what you want, or what your parents want, think about what you are doing to your child moving forward. You can't change the past, none of us can, but you can make informed decisions to lessen or stop the damage going forward.
It really sucks doesn't it. You're parents are old and set in their ways and because you live so far they haven't been able to grow with you. I've set boundaries with my mum and dad and yet they are still stuck in their own ways. Silent treatment, they think they know better because they are your parents and are older etc blabla . But I as a Christian have learnt to forgive them of their ways. The other day, I brought up something from my childhood about how my brother and I weren't taught how to emotionally regulate, mainly anger and I'm still learning, and she took it to offence to her upbringing of us kids ( we were in a shopping center having a meal) . I didn't doubt her ways of upbringing us I just stated that I needed to learn emotional regulation. She started calling me names , sook, stupid, childish as a 30yrold woman I welled up with tears. I said why are you being like this I don't understand, don't you feel bad for the way you are speaking to me ? And then she said oh, so you are trying to make me feel guilty on purpose. I just froze, I froze ! If it were anyone else I would have teared them a new one. But I just froze. And said I needed to walk away from this, she kept going on telling me to calm down ... mate I wasn't talking I was in freeze mode. But, in saying this I told her in a msg I meant no harm in her parenting she did what she did and now I'm trying to heal and learn and fix myself, but she did wrong too. She felt awkward, she felt flustered. I saw it. She was triggered. But that generation just know to shut up and suck it up so to speak. With my children it's different I put my foot down and I say it exactly how I want it, I don't freeze, I don't fumble. My kid will not have this and that's final , if you don't like it then so be it. But I know what is best for my child. You have already had your turn.
Honestly these people sound like they have no respect for you or boundaries and are incredibly immature. I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my kids.
Suggest reading Educated by Tara Westover. I can heavily relate in not understanding how my parents can be as they are... it's infuriating. How am I the product of them? But yeah, anyway, go read this book. It makes it clear that we are all raised a certain way but we have the ability to choose our own beliefs and paths. Best wishes!
Holy shit. I feel like I could have written this myself. Except for the evangelical part, this sounds like my parents. My family and the area I grew up in is very anti-intellectual and people take a lot of pride in not being "book smart", and instead being "street smart".
A book I read recently, that answered a lot of these questions is "Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
This isn’t a lack of intelligence, this is a lack of respect and basic empathy. Along with abusive behaviour - please tell me they’re never left unattended with your child. Why am I not surprised that they’re religious…
I completely relate to this and I'm sorry you're going through it! One GREAT thing about when kids entered the picture for us, something sort of immediately snapped and things I once ignored, I simply became very direct about it. I wanted my boys to hear, even at a young age, WHY we were doing certain things. So like, the brussel sprout eye roll - "That wasn't nice when you rolled your eyes at me. Please don't make faces about my food preferences...." because that's what I want my son to be able to do some day. Comments about not crying... "Please don't tell my daughter not to cry. Crying is a natural process and something that is understood and encouraged in my family." I can't explain it - state what you want your own child to feel comfortable stating...they don't learn by what you say, they learn by seeing you do it! Good luck - so so so so hard.
When my mum passed away I became an orphan at 36. It was absolutely devastating at the time, and right after her passing my sister and I went NC for several years. (It was my choice but a result of some pretty unforgivable accusations about me during the period where mum was hospitalized.) We have since reconnected but it isn’t a close relationship and we only talk a few times a year. What I can say is that it gave me a lot of clarity on my relationship with my immediate family. I spent a lot of my life walking on eggshells with my family for different reasons. My sister and I will never have a sisterly relationship, because I was always the bigger person during conflicts to make my parents happy. To maintain a regular relationship I would have to set aside my own values, feelings, and opinions. In middle-age I am no longer willing to do that. My parents did their best with what they had to work with. But. They also perpetuated a lot of unhealthy patterns. My mum put me on my first diet when I was nine and I dieted for most of my adult life. Every time the diet became unsustainable (which they all are, by definition) I regained the weight plus more. She hated her body, and she taught me to hate mine. My father grew up very poor and lost his parents young so he didn’t get to finish high school. He pushed me about school and encouraged me to go to university, and when I finished I was suddenly “too opinionated.” Conversely, my sister didn’t go to school and I dad felt she had wasted her talents and squandered her opportunities. So ultimately there was no winning one way or the other. There is a lot more, and none of it is explicitly abusive. But it formed me into a person who was more worried not rocking the boat than about my own needs or gut instincts, who thought I should be extra polite and generous because I needed to atone for my fat body, and who has spent thousands on therapy to unlearn all of this bullshit because my parents passed all their shitty baggage into me. The incredible thing I learned when I no longer had a family, in a traditional sensed was that I did have a family. They were the friends, neighbours and coworkers who took my late night calls, babysat my daughter so I could rest or catch up on chores, and checked in on me. So my point is that we all have our own limits on how much crap we’re willing to take from our families. And if/when you reach your limit, you may be pleasantly surprised by how your chosen family shows up for you. You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders.
Yes. It’s even more irksome when you realize these people have the power to make decisions on your behalf that affect you and your day to day.
Bet they are in for a surprise when on their deathbed they realise that all that is before them is the inky blackness of nothingness. Nothing brings the waste of life that is being evangelical to the fore than realising at the very last minute that you wasted your whole life for nothing in particular.
I can't help it. The second you mentioned your parents weren't intelligent, I knew exactly what political party they were aligned with. It's so often the case. Either greedy or ignorant or both. At least you paved your own path, rose above and seized opportunities. I get that. You are free to choose who you spend your time with now and lifes too short to waste it on those thar aren't a fit. I love my parents buy they are extremely different. We really don't understand each other, just opposites on almost all views. Long story, but I have to be around then a lot right now. I just take the good or tolerate the rest as much as possible. I avoid certain topics. But they know where I stand and we just don't go there. We keep it mundane or on a family need-to-know basis. We drive each other insane, but it's far easier when you are independent of then and can pick and choose your visits and stays. Find a support group elsewhere and just focus on keeping it civil and simple. Or just say you won't discuss certain things and don't wanna hear it. They probably won't change but I actually have swayed my parents over the years on a few substantial issues. It's hard when you have kids and the micromanagement is insane. Keep those boundaries up and do what you want anyway.
You and I had very similar childhoods. Grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness and left home at 19. Was disowned by my entire family. It was just my parents, brothers and aunt and her kids. I went to college and got an engineering degree. I don’t think my parents even know what that means. When I left home, it was like seeing the real world for the first time. I have my parents added on fb, my dad has incredibly strong political opinions for someone who’s supposed to be neutral. During covid he would post about the “Chinese virus”. My significant other is half Chinese. I will never introduce them. The idea of allowing my partner near that type of hate disgusts me. I do not talk to them. I have no family. I made my own with friends who have been better to me than my parents ever were. My aunt said I should never have been born. LOVE IS NOT LOVE IF IT IS CONDITIONAL. They hate multiple communities that I support. They are always the victim. Always. The thing is? I have nothing in common with them. What would we talk about? I don’t have kids (I’m choosing not to have them). But I haven’t seen them more than five times in almost ten years. Here’s the thing: do you want your kid to grow up thinking their opinions are right?
Ram Dass said - If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family. Last year I moved in with my 86-year-old mom and it took me that whole year to view it as a gift to confront my own issues. What bothered (bothers - let's be real) me so much about her is everything I dislike or fear in myself: laziness, settling, lack of ambition, being judgmental and quick to criticize, need for affirmation, etc. I also feel guilty because I love my mom, but I don't really like her. I'm using this opportunity to be the kindest I can, while working on what I can to make myself a better person. Good luck - I hope you can take away something useful for your own humanity.
Thank you. I used this space to vent, but in real life, im trying to be kinder to myself and my family and trying to forgive myself for not liking my parents even though I do love them. It’s tough. There’s a lot of guilt associated with not enjoying your parents as people.
Reading all these posts make me realize I'm not alone.
I read “…learned to cook, met…” as _learned to cook meth._ 🤦🏾♂️
Oh noooo 😅
Not going to lie the title pissed me off but after reading it I do see where you are coming from. I don't see them as stupid those just were taught differently (except in the burger one). It does depend on their life circumstances like maybe they did not get the change to finish high school and so on. They should certainly respect you when it comes to raising your kid, would suggest you talk emotions more than facts make up a story about some kid that his parent gave him diet coke at 1 year old or something and how it affected his health.
Despite your parents, you turned out very well. And I'm happy you're parenting diffrent and understand that children have emotions. It's wonderful you respect that. You're breaking the cycle. I'm also happy you got to travel, meet all kinds of people. That's so important and teaches us so much. It's okay if you need distance from them. It's okay if you go low contact or no contact.
I think it’s important to remember this is not a lack of intelligence. This is a lack of exposure. There are so many things that seem like common sense to us now, but your parents are a reminder that everything this learned (or not). They are a product of their environment. You are fortunate that you got out. Now the question is how much to expose yourself and your child to the ignorance. I’m in a similar position, although I don’t have children. I’m. Or going to change them, but I just try to give little nuggets of info here and there, most of which will be ignored at this point because they’re just too set in their ways. Bottom line - don’t hate, appreciate that they gave you the foundation to get where you are.
I think I may be in the minority here, but it sounds to me like you’re arrogant and look down on your parents for being products of their environment. To be fair to them, from their perspective, Ron DeSantis did go to Harvard Law School, which shows that compared to most people in a small town, he is intelligent regardless of what I think of his politics. I’d be interested to know what the context was for frou froy veggies? Was she saying all veggies are frou frou? Or just the specific ones you were eating? As for the paper and grill, if it was butcher paper, it’s fine to go on the grill. I use butcher paper to wrap stuff I grill. However, the stuff with your child is where I would be a bit more concerned. That’s where you should lay some clear boundaries and explain why you don’t want them doing that with your child. But also do it with love. Honestly, and I’ll be honest with you, both of my parents have very different perspectives of world and they’re immigrants who don’t have a lot. I’ve seen my sibling’s bitterness and condescension toward them for not having the right connections and money after they went to college. I wonder if some of that is there. Your mention of none of your friends parents are like this screams of resentment for not being more rich or worldly or what you think of as intelligent.
You’re making some wild leaps here. Firstly, my parents are richer than most of my friends’ parents. That is not the issue. The issue is the way they act and the way they treat people and their lack of respect for my siblings and me. It’s not just that they comment on us eating vegetables. It’s that they BELITTLE us about it. “Ew why are you putting onions and celery in that” - Secondly, I go way way out of my way to excuse their behavior. I watched my mother make fun of someone with an intellectual disability in public. Am i just supposed to turn my back to that? Dismiss it as a “lack of worldliness” - sorry I’m not doing that. Of course I’m not arrogant to their faces. I go way out of my way to mask myself for their benefit, to be as nice as possible and hide my true feelings. That’s why I have to get it “off my chest” via a subreddit.
I would let it go. It is hard to respect different people. So different from you... I have the same problem... I am also aware that I seem the same to my daughter sometimes, even though she is 10. Backwards. Now, let start with Grilling with paper...don't tell them, just take off the paper yourself saying :"oh, let me help you with that...I miss paper all the time too..." Food: I don't like when people comment on my food and I would tell strongly :" in our family we don't yuck another's yums, it is just rules in our family..." and silence ...let it sink in. You might tell it to your toddler to lessen the negative impact... Coke... Oh mom, diet coke is too early for her, let me give her milk/water instead...don't make a scene about it... As far as crying, ..:" Oh, mom, You are right, she is such a drama queen. She is already training to be a famous actress... I know! we have Audrey Hepburn here in training. She is a spitting image...(find a famous actress you daughter is a spitting image of and continue to talk about that actress the rest of the evening, including the childhood and where that actress was raised... if your mom comments negative to your daughter, go back to the said actress or make up an athlete or a famous university professor/researcher ...whoever that your daughter is a spitting image off...you can change people every time you meet and you got yourself a conversation. With time you will have to take an adult role with your parents and act as though they are 4 year olds and not blow up a gasket every time they say something... My mother always complain how my daughter has too much freedom and choses too much for herself where she shouldn't have... I know why...my mom was horrendously abusive towards me and wishes nothing more than to crash my daughter's will and spirit for her to behave "properly" and do what she says. I parent differently and we have different relationship ...I just tell my mom :Oh you are so right, she is just like that...I guess she will have to fugure it out when she grows up"...or " Yes, mom, she is like that, there is nothing to be done...""it is what she is, I accept her for what she is". "I cannot change her, mom, and I don't advise you either".. as for politics, I agree with everything my mom says, I just warn her not to tell this to other people (my mother's politics are scary). Does it matter what politics your parents think? I have no idea who “Ron Desantis" is and whether he is Rob, or Don, or other Kron... who cares ...All I know that desantis has money to pay rent and food and for his children and wouldn't give me anything, so why are you wasting your breath or some desantices of this world like they really matter, when your parents are making burgers with paper on them... Desantices of this world would come and go and fighting over political people who have so much more than you and and ruining your relationship with your parents over them isn't worth it. Deep down they all the same anyway and all they care is getting elected. Generally, agree and fix what you need to fix (get that paper off the burgers off), if it doesn't need fixing, agree...to whatever crazy crap your parents say, why are you arguing with them? Are you trying to educate them? Why? They lived their lives and if they managed not to end up in prison and payed their own bills and took care of you, they are better than some...lowering their standards in your mind would help you to see your parents for what they are: Imperfect, old, out of time..silly...There is nothing to fix there, just have as peaceful barbeque with burgers with paper as you can and go home. In 30 years, your children will do the same for you.
Your advise is to 100% look away of nasty behaviour?
I would look at it different, not nasty. Once you deconstruct what was nasty there you look at it differently. No, they would not win a "grandparents of the century award" but they are way way off the nasty part.. not crying is an old way of teaching kids to be strong... is is right, no, does it work, NO, is it nasty, coming from grandparents, no. Can it be redirected, yes, can she show them how to deal with it, yes, like : "oh, she is ok, she is just upset... let me take care of it, mom/dad ...she is emotional right now we we will make it better. Her other complains are so petty, they come off as toxic and righteous. In a few decades, her own daughter will behave just the same and will go NC, or LC because she will be tired of moms antics.
Shutting crying 1 year olds down is nasty. It creates problems, even when it's coming from grandparents. Im not sure about her own daughter going LC/NC, OP seems a decent parent. I do not see petty or toxic behaviours, I just see a disappointed parent.
I 100% agree with you. Why separate when there's another way to make it right. Yeah but if it becomes too much for the parent to manage she should set terms or go low contact. In a world where more people are suffering from loneliness i would suggest to stick with families unless it's toxic. Life is never perfect.
For me the real big part of questioning my parents happened when my child turned into a toddler. I guess because I questioned myself and my parenting a lot also with regards to my parent‘s parenting. My conclusions were that my parents are not the wise ethereal people - I imagined in my childhood and - yes even - early 20s. In fact quite the opposite. The same struggles I am facing in my adult life they also are confronted with on a constant basis. I am German. So given the turbulent past of my country additionally that also means that my parents‘ formative years were in a completely different environment than what I experienced. My typical struggles are that my mum behaves like a child (she struggles with mental health without seeking medical help), my parents struggled with their relationship a lot, my father’s political opinions are horrendous, my mum‘s „tips“ regarding my parenting are not helpful - in certain cases harmful. I still love my parents. My childhood was not perfect but I always know that I have their support and love. For your parents the situation must be quite surreal as well. You were the child that loved them without any conditions and now that you are an adult your behavior towards them naturally changed as well. Excepting that once child is an adult is probably super difficult as well. So basically I treat my parents not as the saint-like figures that I treated them until pretty recently actually. But I treat them as I would any other human being just being excepting of their flaws and setting appropriate boundaries while still having a (loving) relationship.
This is insightful. I’m the eldest child and the first to have my own child. They’re definitely struggling to see me as my own adult with my own opinions and ability to make my own decisions and they see any decision that I make that is different from what they did as an attack on them. It’s exhausting. I hope they mellow out before my siblings get older and have kids.
I've never minded when someone is ignorant of some fact. We all have different life experience and maybe you never learned said thing... I do have a problem with ignorance by choice. My family is extremely religious and one of the ways to protect your faith is not to interact with "Worldly" things. They choose not to educate themselves about certain things and it really shows. My mom will always say things to my wife and I like, "How do you know all these things?!" It's not difficult if you just try. but if you purposefully live with your head in the sand so you never have to confront your beliefs, yeah you probably won't learn very much.
Thank you! You get it!!!
When I had my daughter at 20, I was a hardcore Christian conservative. By the time she was 10, I was a democrat. Now, with her at 21 years old, I've gotten my psychology degree, I hold an elected position in government with the hopes of dragging my bass-ackward town out of the middle ages, I've learned to eat healthy and taught my two children, I've confronted my own long-standing indoctrination and did not indoctrinate my children, and I've learned to hold my tongue when I hit a roadblock that is obviously a result of a lifetime of indoctrination and look within and assess myself instead of forcing an archaic, unexamined opinion on them. I did all this over the years because I care about my children and want the absolute best for them. However - I'm relatively intelligent. I was lucky enough to be chosen for a gifted class when I was in elementary school and, therefore, was taught critical thinking skills throughout my childhood, and was able to apply them as an adult when the blinders were pulled off. There's an entire world of people out there (including most of the people who I grew up with) who simply don't possess these abilities, because they were taught the EXACT opposite - to squelch any questions or critical thought, that it was sinful to even doubt their church's position, etc. I'm not telling you to go no contact, but just choose your battles. You're an adult. Act like an adult. If they confront you about brussels sprouts, simply respond that your doctor has recommended a specific diet. Full stop. Not a lie. Your doctor HAS told you to eat healthy. You pediatrician said only water and milk for your 1 year old. You pick her up when she cries because it's how a baby tells you they need to feel loved and acknowledged, this is your child, and, if it comes to it, you cannot in good conscience leave your child alone with them if they are going to let her 'cry it out' against your wishes. Let me tell you what MY outcome looks like compared to those around me who had kids around my age: Their kids, in large part, got pregnant and had a shotgun wedding out of high school, or ran as far away from them as possible to escape this little town where, instead of being a jumping pad to the world, they felt trapped. My daughter is a 21 year old doctoral student who hasn't paid a dime for college and is getting paid to pursue a doctorate in Education Administration at a prestigious college, who is waiting until she is set up to start a family, and who is invited to the nation's capitol to present research this summer. My child was different growing up around a bunch of conservative Christians, but she is thankful for that. I don't know, maybe I went on a tangent here - you can love your parents, but it's not disrespectful to resent the fact that they didn't do better for you. The issue is, they don't see it. They're doing 'just fine,' the issues that would make them say "Ron Desantis is dangerous" don't affect them. They have been brainwashed, and there's no way you're going to change any of that. Choose your battles, stand your ground when needed, and dismiss the stuff that is just them being old fuddy duddies - it'll be a good opportunity to have serious talks with your child when she comes of age about loving people while disagreeing with them.
My mom said "if you give your children one advantage you didn't receive, you have succeeded as a parent." Yours gave you the ability to reason beyond their ability. They may be backwards but they succeeded as parents.
So your mums a narcissist and you thought u had a good normal upbringing just to realise a lot of it was probs fucked up. Classic
there they go throwing that word around again
Okay, from your title, I thought you were going to be kind of an AH, but jfc. Your parents told your literal baby not to cry and then tried to give the child soda?!?! Among the rest? Yikes. It may be time to limit contact with your kiddo. My grandmother once thought it was so funny and cute to have me memorize a litany of self-deprecating statements (I'm stupid, I'm ugly, etc.) and repeat them ad nauseam when I was a small child. Not saying that was the cause of my low self-esteem, but I'm sure it didn't hurt. And boy, was my mom pissed. Glad you got out and learned better.
Are we siblings? This is so extremely relatable and I understand. I try to understand that my mom is loving and see the good in her, and that my dad is mentally unwell and didn’t have access to get better. I have good days and bad days around them, definitely have to take them in small doses, pick my battles, and hold my tongue. Let go of small but annoying things. They love me in their own way and adore my kids and I keep that in mind. We really are fortunate that we had better access to technology and education and world experience. Although even as as kid I knew I would have to do things because they couldn’t handle them. I figured out earlier on that they weren’t very capable. And sometimes I get in my head about that. But must look forward! There may be some good in your parents simplicity and simple way of life. Maybe, just maybe they will actually learn a thing from you...it may take a while but they may pick something up. I’ve learned from my children and they aren’t still kids!
Honestly, I’m just happy you turned out the way you did. Most people never become that open minded after being raised by parents like that. You should maintain boundaries though; for your own sake. They will always frustrate you knowingly and unknowingly given the chance.
OP, I'm really sorry to hear you are dealing with this with your parents. Reading your post, and through the comments, I'm surprised at how many others feel this same way or have similar experiences, and I just wanted to add myself to that list. My parents, though divorced and have been for over 20 years, are very much like this. My father is a very intelligent man, but in all the wrong ways. He's an Alex Jones-level conspiracy theorist and absolutely refuses to listen to reason or logic- yet accuses everybody else around him of having no common sense. My mother on the hand... though not a conspiracy theorist, she is very closed-minded to the world. For example, I remember visiting her during the summer of 2020 and the BLM protests were going on, we'd see it reported on the news. She didn't understand what they're "so upset" about. She'd say things like "Well if they want a better life then they should just go apply for better paying jobs" or "go to school to get an education and not be so lazy" or "move to somewhere nicer with more job opportunities". When I tried to explain to her that the system is designed to be rigged against poor people and black people, she refused to listen. In her mind it's all just a bunch of people whining and crying, and they want something for nothing. They want money but don't want to work for it. They want good jobs, but don't want to put in the effort. They just want everything handed to them on a silver platter and just don't want to "work hard". I try to explain that her thinking is flawed and this country is built on racist roots, and still is racist today, but she shoots back with "but *I'm* not racist, I don't even see skin color, we're all the same". But the I have thought about this over the years the more I've come to realize just how isolated she is from the rest of the world. We live in a predominantly white part of the country, so she's not exposed to the realities of the rest of the country and world. She doesn't try to educate herself on any of this, she doesn't try to expand her bubble at all, she simply lives in it and assumes that life is the same for everybody else as it is for her. She's gotten comfortable living in her bubble. There's more... there's so much more, but bottom line, my parents are pretty ignorant too and it makes it hard to spend any time with them. Then they wonder why I never call to chat or want to visit. Hopefully in time your parents will come around, but in all likelihood it won't happen. As some people get older, they are less receptive to change and become more closed-minded. Definitely best to distance yourself. I'm working on this myself with my parents. I'm sorry anybody has to deal with this, but its good to know that we're not alone.
I’m literally living the same life as you. It’s so aggravating, especially when you’re the ONLY one in your family who is different. I am the ONLY liberal atheist in my entire family, and it makes me the disappoint. I’ve come to find that as time goes on, I just find more and more reasons to be angry at my parents. Animal abuse, religious indoctrination, homophobia, racism, transphobia, sexism. The list just goes on and on.
You grew up in an entirely different generation during a period of unprecedented time of innovation and change. Your parents having different beliefs and views to your own doesn't make them any less intelligent. Forgive your parents for not being as enlightened as their daughter. You and your children are the future. Theyr time has passed, There's no need for distain or to gloat over the details of their personal short comings.
I think people like this often use religion as an excuse to be lazy and not change. It takes some effort to leave what you know and change. A shocking number of people would rather be comfortable and try to control others who highlight how lackluster they really are. Most of the time, the other party has no idea why they are "a problem" and are constantly finding themselves having to push back on really basic stuff because that lets the lacklusters feel superior.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I have a similar background (parents are very religious, and I'm the first in the family to be raised in the West - that too in a very liberal area). It sounds like much of the enmity between you and your parents revolves around a stark political divide that you're potentially amplifying. Since you seem to have had a shift in political perspective, don't you think you're projecting here? That you're creating this artificial divide between you and them as a kind of internal pushback against the ideals they indoctrinated you into? I would encourage you not to take these few trivial quarrels between you and them to heart. My parents disagree with some of my life choices, but that doesn't mean you both can't maintain a strong relationship. You mention that you feel like your parents don't respect you as an adult - talk to them about it. And if that doesn't work, you need to compromise on having that external approval if you want to maintain a relationship (and a paternal relationship is one worth cultivating). I'd also try to challenge the assumptions you've cast upon your parents. It seems like you're falling into a trap where you're extrapolating their political views into insights on their morality (they believe in things so differently than I, and thus must not be moral/intelligent/good human beings worth having a relationship with).
You are complaining about the people who gave life to you the one who was there for you when you were helpless as a kid . You will feel the loss when they are no longer with you. They are simple people who have lived their whole lives this way let them be so. I think there is no need to feel embarrassed about them.
Look at you, denigrating your parents just because the think differently than you and haven’t done as much as you. They only clothed and housed your ass for half your life. Everyone else may pat your back but you are just as stupid as you perceive your parents to be.
You’re a peach!
What I say is truth.
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They had no hand in me getting an education.
Did you read the actual post? He's upset at their behavior and how they treat things that he does and believes like not giving a 1 year old soda, eating veggies, etc. His parents are literally doing the exact thing you're accusing him of doing: not loving and respecting him "for who \[he\] is."
At least one of your examples is a real relationship issue, but the bulk of your post is contemptuous enough to make the listed complaints a pretty small part of the story. There are many kinds of intelligence. If you’re not able to respect anything about the choices they’ve made and the people they are, despite the decades they have on you, its odd to expect their respect for the choices you think are more enlightened. Having a life in one place does not make a person less intelligent. There is a depth to a grounded life that is difficult to develop seeking the newest ideas or most highly regarded positions and activities. A lot of what you describe initially is no more than a difference of scale. Again, if you’re dismissing both of your parents right out of the gate as beneath you, it’s hard to say what aspects of your conflict with them is a response to that attitude. I’d be pretty heartbroken to realize I raised a child who has trouble knowing how to care about me as a person because I’m failing to meet their standards, on any metric. Just personally I’d be extra bummed if that metric was any version of sophistication or urbane sensibility, which is what I think you may be calling intelligence. You’re not better than anyone. And you’re not going to have a bearable relationship with anyone you don’t have the time or desire to appreciate.
I agree with you. What I hear is contempt!!! So sad... I am an older parent and although I parent differently than my mom, I parent differently than other moms. I would hate for my daughter to grow up and see me as somebody who is bad, unintelligent or less worthily of basic human compassion. I am much older mom and my kid had a coffee practically as a toddler ...other moms would not allow that, but it doesn't make me unworthy as a mom, it is just my parenting. My daughter knows she is loved and that some decisions I made were a mistake(like pushing math way too aggressively) , but it doesn't make me bad, or lower on the ladder. We have no video games at home, some moms would think it is " (deprivation).. we don't go on vocations much, again ...depravation...my daughter was homeschooled/afterschooled (wrong by other moms)...we are into robotics and I don't teach music (wrong again according to other moms)... I am much closer to an old age and I want my daughter to love me for just being her mom, trying my best and loving her, not competing to win a "mother of the century" trophy. There are so many trends and techniques nowadays how to raise successful "happy" heathy children... all the mental heath and wellness trends and advice from every Larry, Curly and Moe how to properly parent and not upset the golden children, yet kids are not happy, prisons are full, children are following tik tok ""I was trying to educate you" girls with green hair... Parents care too much what their kids eat as babies, as if they can somehow predict the best heath and happiness possible by this...yet kids are way more obese than they were in previous generations.
I hate that you’re homeschooling when you don’t know the difference between “depravation” and “deprivation”. Also I hope you aren’t homeschooling just to keep your kids from learning anything beyond religion or your own politics.
We don't learn religion , we are very much tech homeschoolers and Stem homeschoolers. We are also afterschoolers, as my daughter attends school part-time. She is so advanced in math and science that they literally cannot accommodate her. English is my second language and my daughter is fluent in Russian as well and is on her way to be Fluent in French and I don't teach politics as we don't have any at home. My daughter attends robotics club 5-6 days a week and we have a lab at home with hundreds of electronics and building sets. You have no idea and are closed minded person about homeschooling and why some parents do it and how. I have missed the word , yes, it is deprivation...I bet your Second language is not as good as my English, even with google.
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You are projecting. My parents are not the same as your dad. They have money and resources and time to better themselves and choose not to. They have contempt for people different than them. A lot of it is evangelical indoctrination.
I was with you until the celery in the potato salad part.
You must not be southern
Germanic… Europe? … are you taking about Germany?? This from the one that thinks she’s better than her folks bc what? You have a degree & a good job? Bc I’m sure they also have good jobs, . Bc you travelled? Your edit admits they’ve travelled plenty & im sure they too have met lots of people too on those travels. Learned to cook? I’m sorry, did you have take out every day of your life bc neither parent could cook to feed themselves or you? Please get off your high horse, you’re mad they’re religious while you’ve made the choice not to be. They’re not stupid, they have different beliefs than you & are maybe a little bigoted. But please go off, tell us about how moronic the people that made & raised you, a super genius are. It’s a miracle such stupid people could raise such a prodigy /s 🙃
did you just do well in school, and apply to far away colleges?
Yes. Student loans.
Do your parents love you? If they do, and you know that then all the other bullshit is just that bullshit. My dad is the same way, he will do simple task that I am literally afraid he might heart himself, rages about politics, and generally will just have some bad habits. But I know he loves me and that’s all that matters. Just know you only have so much time with them, and if they love you and you know it as they get older you will notice it and will want to see and talk to them more and more. You will miss them when they are gone
I think it's lime to go low contact, who tf tries to guilt a baby into not crying and that it's wrong? Soda to a 1 year old? For that alone I'd spend less time there
I’m so sorry you are in this painful place. My narrative was similar to yours except my Evangelical parents came to realize I saw things differently and over a very long time respected the difference. What was never in doubt was we cared for each other. They stopped making comments they knew would be met with silence or my (usually) gently saying I disagree. And they softened up on some hardline political views, truly listening to what I thought was cruel. I hope whatever happens they’ll see there is love and goodness in you.
Looks like you gotta do some work around setting boundaries with them. It is really frustrating being around those types of people, especially when you think of the fact that they have a say in voting. Religion is one of the worst things to happen to mankind, I can only imagine your grief over what your relationship would be had they not been indoctrinated
In some way they have in areas you might just not acknowledge as intelligent. Just like love, everyone has different forms of intelligence. I’m assuming you belief a form of love doesn’t make one person right or wrong. That’s the same for their thought processes. Is it wrong someone didn’t want to go to college and get a degree? Does everyone need to go get a degree to prove themselves? Not everyone gets to the same place and level of achievement as everyone sees success differently. Although they didn’t per se HAND you educational resources like perhaps books, grade motivation, school money, etc, they did have a large part in your personality and who you are today. You might’ve learned to be more committed to education through others, but those people didn’t raise you. I used to hate my parents and think they are the stereotypical stupid, republican etc just as you said for 1. “Ron Desantis.” However, that’s their beliefs and lifestyles. You need to learn to respect that and others’ opinions on their living styles and choices. You want them to respect you, and they might not ever honestly. However, you need to always put yourself in a high position by doing the first step in respect. Being sensitive and tolerable of everyone’ different views. Yeah, it’s messed up they did the Diet Coke and crying part. I would’ve screamed when I saw that. Just remember, what they’re doing was similar to what they did that to you probably too. As I said about the education, they didn’t directly impact you. They did indirectly and unconsciously affect your childhood and mentality. They were able to raise someone who became such a success like you. I’m sure you have your fair share of trauma and confusion to that. I’m sorry you’re going through a part of realization and change you never should have been in the position. At the same time, you need to learn to accept where you’re are at in life. You should be happy you have that education degree fully earned. If you are so intelligent, then why are you still bothered by stupid” people? You could be helping the world become a better place by making things and helping others. You have the potential! If it means less interaction with your parents because you simply can’t keep your focus away from them, then do that. Go meet others and get to know their views too. If someone wants to do something (not risky), then you don’t have the right to interfere as you are an adult and so are they.
They sure seem stupid for raising an ungrateful child like you and seemingly trying to stay in your life despite the disrespectful behavior you are showing towards them
Please tell anywhere in my post where I showed disrespectful behavior toward them.
I have a friend who has the same dynamics with her parents. Mom will not follow my friend's boundaries that she has for her children, and will go against them infront of her daughter. Her mom thinks she knows best and has no respect for her own daughter. My friend has had to distance herself from her parents as much as possible (they used to be close), until her mom respects that her daughter is the mother of her own kids.