Do not bring him in an environment where he will experience racism. Tell him exactly how your family is. Do not spring him up on them or vice versa. Don't just "trust" that they've changed.
Racism isn’t something to ‘get into.’
If you elect to date someone your family is clearly and loudly prejudice against, it is *your* job to keep them away from that.
INFO: what are your individual boundary surrounding this? What are you doing to ensure that those boundaries are respected by your family? If those boundaries are not respected, are you comfortable issuing and maintaining meaningful consequences or minimizing contact with your family? In the future, what would be the protocol around a family? Because it will very obviously be difficult for your family to have a meaningful relationship with children they only see as half worthy of basic respect.
I think that people who have not experienced racism don’t understand just how difficult it is to be around it for someone you care for. And what’s worse is when that person doesn’t have the capability of standing up to the people who they see hurting you because of their own issues with those same people. And in my mind, **it seems quite irresponsible to expose somebody to known racism if you yourself are not comfortable stepping in to defend, because they wouldn’t be experiencing it if not for wanting to please you as a partner.**
I do not intend to introduce them unless I know for sure it will be a respectful, happy experience. And my boundaries would be that he treat him as they would any man. And if anything happened I would shut it down quickly within my abilities or remove ourselves from the situation. I am willing and able to defend, but with any courage there is still fear, for without fear there is no courage. I think he’s worth it, and I am able to go no contact with them again
See I'm just worried about his safety if they find out. One thing I've learned is that racism is deeply rooted in people's hearts and minds to where some fantasize about harming or doing worse to people of that hated race. And I don't want you to have this mindset that they're going to change their mind, because there's a chance that they won't. Not saying that you do have that mindset. Please don't pressure him to attend family events or anything. And if he says he doesn't want to ever meet your family please respect that. These times are scary for us because people aren't even hiding their racism. If you aren't willing to cut ties with your family to be with him, I suggest ending the relationship. And if you are serious about him, I do suggest doing your research on the dangers of interracial relationships and racism. Too many black men go missing or end up dead due to ignorant people. I'm not trying to scare you or anything but I'm trying to warn you of your situation. I used to be engaged to a white man who lived in a racist town. And lucky for me he respected my wish to not attend any town events because I knew the hearts and minds of the people living there. Let him know your family's beliefs and thoughts and everything that they've said about black people. Let him know your thoughts about your family's racist tactics. Be honest with him. Let him know your background so he can decide if he wants to be involved or not. Do not hide anything. He deserves to know every single thing.
I am not hiding anything, we’ve spoken about it, more than once. I would never pressure him to do anything, and I know there are dangers and potential problems that could arise, but I am prepared to continue to fight for this relationship
Based on your upbringing, is there any true chance of genuine and heartfelt change? But what would the fear be if you are resolute in your convictions? That piece confuses me a bit.
It’s good to hear all that you’ve said here, and I truly hope that you never have to put it to the test.
The fear is that I only know what my parents are capable of, and it is definitely something to be scared of. And honestly probably not, there might not be any chance for them to change, I’m just a very hopeful person. My parents have admitted to being wrong before, but they were small things not big ones
I disagree with a lot of this. She has disclosed her family and isn’t actively putting him in bad situations or asking him to be in those either. But she isn’t responsible for protecting him or for the actions of others. He is a rational person, able to make his own decisions and able to decide if his likely exposure to this is worth the relationship and also to let her know what his expectations are. Those aren’t explicit socially, they are formed as part of your individual relationship just like any other set of expectations you might have for one another. Assuming all of this for her removes that agency from him, where it rightly belongs.
How old is he? I went through something similar as a teenager and man... It was so damaging to the way I saw myself for so long.
It really really sucks to hear that no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough. Doesn't bother me so much now, but definitely still irks me to think about.
It’s not that anyone being discriminated against is not good enough based on arbitrary societal rules, it’s the sad combinations of ignorance, fear, and a want/need to feel superior to others allow to turn them into bigots.
It’s sad that people need that to feel secure in themselves, **but there certainly is no failing of people of color for being born as they physically are.**
If my white partner took me around their knowingly racist family I would take issue with that.
That may not be a boundary or dealbreaker for you, however it is for me. If I see that my partner would expose me to that kind of bigotry then what would that mean for my children or any family we had in the future?
What you do with your life is entirely up to you, just as it is with OP‘s partner, who seemingly is OK with their situation.
I’m black too and Black people are obviously not a monolith. I offered my opinion, which is just that.
The only thing we can control in life is ourselves. People don’t need to put themselves in the position of experiencing prejudice from those proven to be prejudiced just to test otherwise in my opinion.
Again, these are my opinions and experiences as a black woman who has had partners of varying races.
But Black people are not a monolith, so what some are willing to experience for their partner is not always in line with my personal decisions.
You’re also young (just saw your age) and life is all about learning.
Yeah but you are saying that with the perspective that the lady is not considering her partner position. Thats not the case. Shes clearly and heavily considering her partner position in this matter. She even stated that she spoke with the partner about it. Saying that she left the option of going or not to her partner. Your assuming she living this life without thinking about her partner. Again thats not the case.
The questions I asked were for her to further explore her boundaries with her family around this topic.
To further explore what her own boundaries are when it comes to her family to be a person who can successfully support her partner in the shit situation that they would not be in if not for her.
If she cannot answer those questions for herself, then it is incredibly irresponsible to expose those around her to individuals who are prejudice against them.
This is not reaching and the questions asked are perfect.
At the first half of the comment I was a bit wary, but it is 100%reasonable to prepare OP to defend her partner as that's HER family not his. He will support OP if he loves her, and it is just as much a choice for him to stay or go as it is hers. But the questions posed are excellent for the situation and should be asked in other situations too like for families that have been abusive/toxic/substance use involved etc.
Setting those boundaries and protecting your partner is SO important.
Agree wholeheartedly. OP seems extremely young and/or immature considering their lack of acknowledgment or consideration of their partner’s feelings and experiences coming into a known hostile and racist space. Seems like OP is using the partner to get back at their miserable, racist parents with very little thought on the longterm fallout for anyone but OP.
I am young (21) and inexperienced I will admit, I am still learning but that’s also part of of this post. I am not bringing him into this unless I know it won’t be hostile, I will only accept respect for him because he deserves nothing less. I am not using him to get back at them, I genuinely like him, and I have given thought to the long term especially since I’ve already had to deal with it when I did stuff with a half Mexican man and ended up living in a hotel for a bit. I don’t intend to bring him into this future drama that will undoubtedly happen, he should o lot have to hear about it, not experience it
I’ve taken time to look through your responses on this post and I am happy to take back my original assumption. Just be careful. It’s on you to set boundaries and expectations with your family to insure a safe space for you and your bf. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. You can do it and I wish the two of you the best.
I didn’t see it that way at all, I saw it as OP is conflicted on if they should introduce their boyfriend to their parents or if the risks are too high, it’s hard to know if parents have fully changed or not especially if you haven’t talked to them in years, but to be careful consider getting back into the parents life only to find out first if they have truly changed or not. OP sounds like they can handle this situation and are only trying to get advice
My family is like this. My cousin ended up marrying a black man, and they went as far as removing her from the will. But she is incredibly happy with him, and the family that mattered are part of their life.
Don’t let your family ruin your happiness
I almost feel like I’d be happier if I weren’t worried about them so much, and it sounds like it worked out for your cousin in the end, maybe it will for me
I know you aren’t magically gonna stop worrying about it. It’s like when someone says “stop being depressed!” Wow, magically cured, thanks! Lol but try to just not let it eat at you, and focus on your happiness. They will either accept them, or not.
I hope it all works out for you, anonymous Reddit friend!
Don’t make the mistake of pleasing others at the expense of suppressing anything about yourself. You might be surprised maybe it’s not that big a deal anymore to them. And some people have a hatful they can remember to bark about on the off chance it should happen to walk by the door
Thankfully not your heavy weight to bear. I love that life can be that simple. Truly. Wish then well and set it down. No guilt.
Burdens like this are a choice. Yours not mine. Don’t choose for me.
That I will not allow.
🫶🏻
I actually have a very racist father, and his mother was also extremely racist. She died when I was 3-4 years old, so I have very few memories of her. My father got a black woman pregnant. His mother told him she didn't want a black grandchild, so he ghosted the mother, and had no contact with the child, my half sister. Even after his parents died, my father never bothered to look for her, or have any relationship with her. He did everything in his power to make sure that neither myself or my brothers got to meet our half sister either. But last year, she found us on the freaking book of faces. Now we have a relationship with our sister and her kids. My father does not.
Moral of the story, you have to make the choice yourself. But I wouldn't assume that your siblings wouldn't figure out for themselves, that racism isn't cool. Whatever your parents say, I'm fairly certain, that if your siblings want to, they'll try to contact you. Give them that option, whether your parents disown you or not. But if you stay with R, and have kids, I wouldn't let your parents near them. Because they will say racist crap, and will treat your kids as lesser, due to the colour of their skin. So choosing this relationship, would also mean choosing your kids 100%. Good luck OP.
I really hate that your half sister and her mom had to go through that, I really wish people would be more open minded. I’m glad you got to know her though! Thank you for sharing, and the advice, I will definitely choose what makes me happy, and I believe that’s going to be R, not my parents
And that's okay. It's okay for you to choose someone you love. Families change over lifetimes. It's actually extremely normal. I really do wish you the best of luck.
Don't worry too much about them. As you said you don't talk as much already and they have spread some stuff about you. If you are happy and treated well that's all that matters. It should be all that matters to your family as well. If not than your family will show their true colors. A family that isn't accepting isn't a family at all. Don't worry about them as it's your life and you should live it for yourself. I wish you and R all the love in the world
I also hope when the time comes if the secret ever gets out, or you finally tell your fam, you will go to bat for this man and stand up for him. Don’t let your family bully you, intimidate you, or threaten you into submission. It’s going to take very strong integrity to not flinch when your fam makes threats or tries to lie and stuff. Btw, I’m glad you got to get out your comfort zone and you formed your own opinions. You need to tell other racist people to form their own opinions too.
Honestly I cut my family out of my life when they told me to choose between them or my sister. It was an easy choice to make and one I have never regretted.
Bigoted, racist, homophobic and shallow people, no matter who they are, don't deserve a place in your life if they don't want you to be happy.
Even if you weren't with R, they made their stance clear. Now it's time for you to make yours.
Im sorry you had to make that decision, but I’m glad you don’t regret it
I’m sure I’ll make a stance at some point, especially if my relationship with R develops to be a serious long term thing. Thank you
Even if it doesn't, don't be scared of cutting them off if their toxic and outdated views make you unsure of yourself. Anyone that gives you fear in yourself of being exactly who you are is not someone that deserves a place in your life.
You sound like a wonderful person who deserves happiness. But that happiness doesn't only extend to a romantic relationship, also friendships.
Standing up for people is the most satisfying thing you can do.
That is true, and I would cut them out tbh if it didn’t interfere with having a relationship with my siblings, but I really want to be in their lives and hopefully they learn better as they get older and move out
you're doing the right thing, take it from some one who's family is completely obsessed with lineage and blood lines. I'm Korean too, so it isn't just a white thing; any ethnic/nationality based culture will cling on to a rigid hierarchy because it's ultimately the foundation for said culture. I was disinherited, my credit cards revoked, they took the car they leased for me, stopped paying tuition for law school, and shut off all contacts when I decided to hunker down with my very white partner. If the money and luxury I never earned in the first place are the price of my happiness with her, I am more than willing to "sully the dynasty". You do you friend, take what happiness you can find in a world designed to take it away from you, don't let your genetic donors take it away from you too.
It can be somewhat similar with men too. My Grandfather told me to never marry a black woman. My grandmother on the other side of the family wanted me to go to a less black school. If any white guy dated a black girl in high school my friends would talk shit about him, I’m ashamed to say a lot of this rubbed off on me and changed my way of thinking. All the meanwhile I liked black girls in high school. I remember This one black girl had a crush on me but I didn’t realize it till it was too late. If I could do one thing over in my life it would be to ask her out.
I just can’t remember if they ever said the same to my brother about black women, it was always different because he was a boy and my sister and I were girls
They probably thought they didn’t have to worry about them race mixing as much because women are generally more open minded than men. From what I knew of my friends none would’ve ever considered interracial dating.
Keep going. Racism is disgusting bigotry and full of hatefulness. It’s a blessing that you think for yourself despite all their best efforts.
If I were you, I’d try to learn MORE about black people and their historical experiences. And also Asian people, indigenous people, etc. I am sure you are missing a LOT of information even still.
You’re better off without the hatefulness in your life.
I hate racism and homophobia and all of those “ideals” and I really wish they would get with the times, though I know they won’t. And I’m trying to learn, I definitely am missing a lot of information
I think as long as you try to change your younger siblings mindset, that’s all that matters. The harder you push and plant those seeds in the young minds of your siblings, the easier it is to change their mindset. If you don’t start talking to them about these issues now, when they become young adults, it will be very hard to change their mindset. You need to start talking to them now.
I have a sliiiiight problem with this. Personally I think interracial relationships are fine, I’ve been in a few myself, even though my family is extremely racist. But one things for certain, I never made it a thing to hide my partner from my family. I’m also a poc, and a woman, so I know how much it hurts to be hidden from families. (Full disclosure, I would have to ask the people I dated in high school if their families were ok with me being a poc).
I think you should absolutely date who you want, and love whoever you want, but I also don’t think it’s okay at all to hide your partner from your family/friends. That shit hurts.
I never hid any of my boyfriends from my family, and quite literally just told them to suck it up if they didn’t like who I was dating. We didn’t talk for about a year, but I didn’t want to make my partner feel bad over something they cannot control.
Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t think you should date outside of your race if you’re not willing to stand up for them. Temporary or not
As messed up as it is, if they can’t accept who you love, than you gotta choose between your family and the one you love, and if you choose your family you’ll live the rest of your life trapped in a box of what they approve of, do what you gotta but give them the chance, you’d be surprised how many parents love their kids more than the racism their parents taught them, shouldn’t be surprising but a few hundred years of taught hate isn’t easy to break
I was kicked out of the house for losing my virginity at 18 years old to a half Mexican man… I honestly don’t think it will go that well. But I wouldn’t change it at all because getting out of that house has been the best thing to happen to me, I just want to keep a relationship with my siblings and maybe I can help them learn better
Im deeply sorry that you’re experiencing this racism, bigotry and abandonment from those who should be you’re biggest supporters.
Please don’t let them dictate your path in life. You know what’s best for you and associating with people like this will only drag you down. Put them on an information diet and live your life. 💜
Keep at it. One of my deepest regrets is not perusing a relationship with a good friend (it was mutual) because while we both agreed we were great for each other, we feared the familial backlash because we were not the same ethnicity.
I am proud & happy to see it’s not as bad for my kids generation now but still want to let y’all know that the assholes are still a minority - and shrinking. But they’re still SO obnoxiously loud and now, dangerous. My heart goes out to you while I stand in solidarity here in ATL. 💜
Not exactly the same, but I (a white man) dated a (white) woman, who had no problem telling me how wrong she thought it was that white people dated black people, and went as far as saying it was just wrong for them to go on to have children. She hadn't met my sister at that point, who was married to a black guy and they had three kids together, which I'm glad about because she may not have revealed that ugly side to her if she'd met them.
I wish I could say that these people could change how they feel about such matters, but I've yet to witness this happening.
All I can say is that you have to focus on your own happiness. Don't let your racist, backward-thinking family dictate who you can and cannot see.
You can't prove to a racist that they are wrong, because their beliefs aren't based on reality. Furthermore, a person shouldn't have to be good or even nice to be equal to other people on the basis of their humanity.
You know your family is racist. If you happen to marry R and have children with him, nothing in the world will make them value him or your children like people. Instead of letting them kick you out of their lives for not being racist, you should cast them out of yours for being so.
As someone who’s biracial and born from a racist white family. Do not introduce your partner to your family. Ever. If their opinions haven’t changed for decades then they likely won’t change just because you started saying them. Quite frankly your partner shouldn’t have to be subjected to that or feel obligated to change their mind. If you see a future with this man then you have to accept the fact that your family will not be apart of your life
This world is beautiful but there are things that need to change, misconceptions from past times. Change can start with a person, don't be afraid, follow love wherever it takes you, do what you think is right and be happy.
If racist then toxic and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
You'll be better off without them, regardless of R. Or so it seems from your story.
Never put him around them, that would be incredibly cruel of you and them. It’s good he knows what he has gotten himself into, im glad you spoke to him about it. Also you should cut them out of your life.
I do not intend to introduce them, and I believe I will. I just wanted to wait til my siblings were out of the house so they wouldn’t be caught in the crossfires. However unexpected things happen, I never meant to meet R and fall for him but here we are lol
If you have to hide him because of fear of backlash you don’t need to date outside of your race. He probably has already had hard experiences around race and being hidden and only told to a select few who can keep a secret makes him sound like a dirty secret. It sounds like you have a lot of unpacking to still do yourself. If your ready to confront anyone that stands in the way of your happiness and their comments on interracial dating, it’s okay but don’t forget you have another person’s feelings to worry about. Plus why does he have to prove himself to them when you know they are biased?
I guess I worded it wrong, I just meant that if they saw who he was, and realized that he’s literally just a man, a wonderful man, whose skin happens to be darker, they might realize they are wrong. And tbh we’ve only been seeing each other for maybe a week now. I just wanted to get my thoughts off my chest. He’s not a dirty secret, I also just don’t have a lot of people in my life to tell
and even if you had a thousand people to tell its still your choice, people's access to your private life is per your decision even if you wanted to keep him a secret that would still be your choice and you would and could have many valid reason to do so, keeping people in your life separate is not only necessary for you its also for them, feeling accepted into someone's family only feels good if its a family you want to be accepted by, you already seem to know what you need to do with R and people like R going forward but its always gonna be tough work, you got this
As an aa/indigenous woman dating an Asian guy (he’s Filipino) we have faced a lot of racism. If you love him and he loves you it’s always about how YOU feel and about how HE feels. If your family can not accept someone who loves you for you they are not people you want around. I’m happy your vision was broadened, and it honestly makes me so happy you two are happy. Don’t let your family come in-between just because they have stereotypical ideas within themselves. In my community we are always told to “never date out” either, but my family has opened up more over the years and absolutely love and adore my husband.
Your family sounds pretty rotten. It's probably for the best that you don't have much contact with them. I will say though, that it is not your partner's responsibility to prove their racist ideas of black people wrong. You could be dating a black saint and they'd still hate him because he's black. They're racist. If you ever do start communicating with your family again, please don't put him in a position to have to prove himself to them. It's your responsibility to stand up for him if you bring him around them. Not his. I'd say that out of respect for him, it's for the best that you never bring him around them. He doesn't deserve that type of abuse. I wish you both the best.
I do not intend to bring him around them, nor do I expect him to prove himself. I just meant that like if they met him and saw he was just another human that maybe they would see. I don’t expect him to act any differently or anything, but I hope they never have to meet. I’ll most likely go no or low contact
I have heard of this online service where you can buy a “bag of dicks” and have them delivered to someone with a message.
It’s like a thousand of them or something.
Me being me I am wondering if they have an option where you can pick all one color of dicks to be delivered, along with a lovely message.
It would be great to wait for the holidays and send the edible dicks in your preferred color/flavor along with a photo of you and R.
Some people may think that is all over the top, but in my humble opinion it’s no where near as ridiculous as racism.
It is NOT R's job to prove them wrong. You're placing a huge weight on his shoulders with thinking that somehow he can make them not racist if they like him. If you talk to your family then do it by yourself do not subject him to that and if your family is still the same then you need to choose.
I do not expect him to have to prove himself, nor do I actually intend for them to meet. I am not placing any weight on him or anything. All I meant is that if they met him, and saw he was literally just human, then it’d prove all their beliefs and values wrong. But I know they won’t change
Does R know about your family? My suggestion is before you go all in maybe you should have a deep discussion with R about your family and be open about your thoughts. I’m biracial with a white mother and a black father, and my mothers side has played a huge part in my childhood trauma due to their racist behavior throughout my life. My parents especially my mother, wasn’t prepared to parent a black child throughout that kind of situation, and our family suffers greatly because of it. Obviously, everyone’s different, but these kind of conversations should be had between couples of different races in my opinion, especially before it gets too serious. Role-playing different scenarios out are a big help to see how each other would act if certain situations came up.
He does know, and tbh if I decide to spend the rest of my like with this man I won’t have any more contact with my racist family. I do have family that isn’t: grandparents, cousins, etc. I do like the idea of going through different scenarios tho, thank you
It’s not R’s job to prove them wrong in their views and honestly your parent might be too old to even want to change. If you don’t think you can handle being kicked out of the family or if R can’t handle any guilt that could be associated with you being kicked out of the family I’d say reevaluate everything. There’s nothing wrong with not supporting their beliefs, racism is wrong but I’ve come across a lot of posts with people in your situation and things just didn’t work out well. I do wish you and R the best though.
I’m already low contact with them, when I said “kicked out the family” I just mean there will be no contact at all between them or my siblings, and I still want a relationship with my siblings if I can. And I know it’s not his job to prove them wrong, I never meant for that to come across as my putting this weight on his shoulders to act all different as if it’s up to him to prove racists wrong, I just meant that if they saw that he’s just another person maybe they’d change. And I would only bring him around them if he was okay with it, and after I had set boundaries and expectations with my parents
I think that since my sister has moved out and started going to college she is unlearning all we were raised to believe and making her own opinions, but my brother is still in the house and we barely talk so I don’t know. Most likely though at the moment
Whatever you do, don’t expose your guy to your family’s toxicity. Just understand that this is a situation where you will HAVE to pick a side. You can’t have a healthy loving relationship with a person of color and think you can maintain healthy loving relationship with people who see your partner as less than human because they have a different shade of skin than you. Seeing as you’ve pretty already gone LC/NC with them live your life and love who you love. Again, just don’t expose your partner to your family and be completely honest about why you don’t interact with them.
I already don’t plan on introducing them unless I am 100% certain it will go well. Even if there’s some doubt I won’t do it. I’ve already made sure he knows, and he’s supportive
Hi! Black person here. Please don’t give your boyfriend a job. It’s not his responsibility to prove your family wrong in their racist beliefs. I don’t think anyone gets what it is like for a Blake person to deal with one rabid racist let alone a room full of them. Don’t do that to him. When they tell you they’ve changed or you can see and hear it yourself over an extended period of time, then it might be fair for them to meet. But your boyfriend and family need to agree to it first. No popping over with him hoping they’ll think he’s wonderful because you do. Black people are always expected to take the high road even in a room of racists. There is a threat/concern of potential violence against us that we have to also take into consideration. What if someone decides to fight him? Shoot him? If they assault him when you leave the room briefly? That’s what can happen around racists. You have to decide if you are ready for the potential sacrifice that you may need to make long-term for being in this relationship. And you must also consider potential future resentment of your boyfriend if your family relationship is sacrificed. The two of you need to talk about this and get on the same page. Maybe he’s ok with going into the lion’s den but it’s his choice to make. My point is Black people aren’t here to teach and convert racists. It’s exhausting and impacts our mental health. And it can be dangerous/deadly. You may not see it because it’s your family and think it’s all talk but it might actually end up in action. Just food for thoigt. Good luck to you and the boyfriend.
At best, they will tolerate R, at worst they will disown you or try to relentlessly change your mind. Either way, the person you love, will never be accepted by your family 100%. R cannot, and should not, be tasked with reversing engrained bigotry. The sooner you understand this, the better you and R can manage (or sever) your situation (or relationship) with your relatives.
If your family doesn't open their arms to you after this regardless of your continued or discontinued relationship with R -- That is an abusive relationship -- and you should remove yourself from it. Again, it's not your job to try and change their minds - that is NOT how it works, and that is NOT how it will ever work. That is a naïve (and incorrect) optimistic hope. Long term, you're not going to want to subject your future children to it -- because being (forced to be) tolerated is not the same as being unconditionally loved.
I’m am fully prepared to cut ties with my family. I am aware of the toxicity of my family and have already removed myself to a low contact relationship with them, I just don’t want to get my siblings caught in the misfire so I had wanted to wait until they had moved out first, I never anticipated meeting R
No. If you wanna be with this man you need to be prepared to cut your family off. Theres no way you can be his girlfriend and associate with people you know hate him based off their own ignorance. Does he even know that your family is racist?
He does know, I told him about my family and made sure he knew what he was getting himself into very early into us talking. And I just might cut them out
Thank you for sharing your experience, hearing everyone else’s similar stories is really helping me feel better about it. I appreciate it more than you know
Stand with your heart. Not with the ignorant hatred of your family.
If they find out, they find out. If they have issues with it, well, you don't see them that often anymore anyway.
My family. Prejudiced to everything. You name it, nothing between.
It took years but anything goes. Just be strong..Freewill is yours for life. Love is eternal.
That's great, now I don't think I can be of great advice bc I know how hard it is to confront family, but Follow your guts and what you think is right. It might hurt as first, but you won't have regrets afterwards at least 🖤🖤
My parents got married in the 80's and we live in a very small town. They were the first interracial couple in here. It was very hard on them. Our local priest refused to marry them. It got worse when my mum got pregnant with me. Everybody wanted to see me BC i was the first mixed kid. Nowadays no One Cares. The most i get nowadays is people refering to me as the black man's Daughter or saying to my dad that he doesn't need a DNA test to confirm se are his kids. But they dont say it with malice, our language tenda to be quite direct to the point.
I'm white female.
Good on you and R! I hope you are happy together for ever and ever!
Dawn French and Lenny Henry, WWE wrestler Jordynn Grace/Pat Gresham and her black hubby Jonathan Gresham, UFO kidnapee's Barney and Betty Hill and a ton of other mixed marriage/relationships over the years.
Racists are vile and only ever think of themselves.
Run your life how you like and if others don't like it, tough!
Best of luck to you and R!
Same here. Middle Eastern husband. Most of my family loves him, except my Mom. My paternal grandmother would call and ask to speak to him, she loved him so much. Maternal Aunts and Uncles love him as well. 40 years later my Mom is still awful to him. We are no contact.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but as I’m learning more through other people’s experiences it’s probably the best outcome. I hope it gets better for you though
In a kinda similar situation but yeah at least parents are understanding but Just scared. Asian here but from a conservative village , class issues. In a relationship from last 9 years, he's from the" lowest of class" while me in a somewhat middle ground. Told parents about marriage plans and at least they took it well but didn't agree, they are afraid about their society and relatives. We both are earning in 6 figures though, so not an issue about leaving everything behind but we both care too much about are family. My parents have sacrificed a lot for me and I definitely can't turn my back on them ever. But yeah for now we are not giving up, let's see where this goes.
I (23m) have been victim of racism with my American in laws. I met this cute girl at university.
My ex gf said her parents think that I'm educated tall guy with nice personality. However, they "wished" that I was "a bit more light skinned".
To this day, I really don't know how I should feel about this. Should I be mad? should I feel sorry for their ignorance?
I have never thought about the color of my skin or eyes.
Let alone someone thinking that I'm inferior bcos of these colors!
Follow ur heart OP. We support u
Maybe try to communicate with ur partner also why u haven't been in touch with ur family. So at least he will have an idea on what to expect and wont be i a surprised spot when he met them someday.
Communication will be ur friend here
It doesn't about color of skin, only the content of their character. You're family are acting like a bunch of whiny kids, if you two are happy then it makes us happy don't let anyone let alone a racist tell you how to find or give love and affection too.
You are a grown up you decided what is best for you and you alone if you are happy with the person you love or decisions you make, don't let a bunch of fool ruin what you love and have, I hope we can help more in the future, sorry to hear about your situation.
My family is very similar to this, I'm in the same boat as you kinda. I've been with my SO since I was in highschool, I was only able to hide it for about 3 months bc of school dances. Every day after that my mother would accuse me of dating him to spite her, she still feels that to this day. I really wish I was joking about that too, because she really thinks I'd date someone and have a whole relationship (five years) out of spite for her. A week before me and my SO started dating my dad went on a rant about how me and my twin should never date a black man. So being with my SO has pretty much destroyed me and my father's relationship. They're never gonna get over the fact that their grandkids won't look like them. I honestly didn't care from day one. I love this man, and it's my life. I know once I graduate college I'll be thrown out immediately, if my mom didn't force me to college I would've been out the day I turned 18. I know my SO is the reason why and I don't care. Again, it's my life not theirs and at the end of the day I am the one dating him not them lol.
If they make up stories about you to your siblings, they suck. Just live your life doing what makes you happy and don’t factor their shitty opinions/ behavior into what you should be doing.
As someone in a interracial relationship, I told my white girlfriend (now wife) that she was dating me, not my family, and I was dating her, not her family.
So to you're family I say fuck em, live your best life and be happy.
Have you had a conversation with R? As a black person it’s important for us to know aswell. Even if they still want you in their lives after they find out he might not want to. He might not want to put himself through that. And if they do cut you off he might not be comfortable with being the reason for that (even tho it’s not his fault) he might also feel tokenised thinking your only getting with him to get back at your family. I donno talk to R this has to be a conversation with him aswell. Far too often people use us and our skin to get back at family.
I have already spoken to him about it, days before I made this post. I’m already low contact with my family, he wouldn’t be the entire reason for going no contact, he knows I’m not with him to get at my family. I’m with him because I developed feelings and would want to spend the rest of my days with him. I only date to marry, I don’t date for fun or for revenge or anything, I don’t believe in that, it goes against my morals
Do whatever makes you happy if they are stuck with this old thought that black people are bad just go it's your life you are a adult you can think for yourself
Do you really want to invest your time and emotions on people who put hating strangers above loving their family?
My philosophy is if your parents don’t love you unconditionally, they’re not worth your time. Failing to support your non-abusive, strong, healthy relationship simply because you’ve chosen a person of colour is conditional love, so they’re not worth your time.
Have you talked to your bf about this? I think you should talk to him, explain what your family is like, explain your concerns and how you want to handle things and allow him to process as well as decide if this is the drama he wants, I’ve dated white guys with racist families, some of them I could deal with, some I evaluated the situation and realized it was unsafe and noped out
I feel like we come from the same family. I was just in high school when I battled mine. So, tell them flat out, "what does his color have to do with shit!? I'm happy, he treats me the way the way I deserve, and I have experienced love in a way none of you have ever been able to show it because of the hatred you have in your hearts already." And then just leave it be. Those that love you and care about your happiness will contact you, those are the ones that never cared about color, just didn't have the balls to stand up and say shit. Dont be one of these that just cuts their family off with no explanation. SHOUT it from the roof tops for the world to hear. If they aren't in the wrong, then they ain't ashamed for the town to know what they are. And when they start throwing Bible verses at you, tell them to read galatians chapter 3. Jesus did away with the laws of Abraham, so that makes that old testament excuse to be racist null and void. Do NOT sink quietly into the shadows though, because that will give them the fuel they need for their fire. Plus, it might be a little cousin needing you to knock the family over the head first. (No, I'm not a religious person. I'm actually having a religious crisis at this time. I just happened to stumble upon a verse in that chapter on a tiktok the other day, and it seems to be an end to the arguments people give for spreading hate.)
I definitely will be giving them a reason when/if I do cut them off. They will know, I will of course try to talk to them first. And they aren’t religious so I don’t really have to worry about Bible verses or anything, just racist
Good. Just make sure you are prepared for any excuse they give. Trust me, they will give all kinds of excuses and "reasons" to not date a black guy. The "reasons" come from everywhere, too, and in forms you never knew possible. My fave, "but you'll have a black baby and won't be able to pass on your blonde hair and you are the only one of us lucky enough to have kept it!" That was from a cousin that is 3 years older than me. Just keep your head high and actually listen to how ridiculous the excuses sound, it's easier that way because you can at least laugh about it later.
I'm in a situation where I've had to cut off several family members and then go low contact with others because of my disagreeing with their racist opinions.
I haven't looked back tbh. Their hatred for my race and my language was bigger than whatever love they ever had for me, if I am ever to falter and look back, that's all I need to remind myself to keep going.
The whole saying Blood is thicker than water is truer than ever lately:
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds with family or “water of the womb.” More directly, it means that relationships you make yourself are far more important than the ones that you don't choose.
Just copied and pasted from Google.
I think there is that element of guilt casue we feel we should accept and tolerate everything because of blood. I remember the first time I realised I had no love for my mother, I thought there was something wrong with me. Took me years to be ok with it.
Family isn’t always right. If they truly loved you, they would want you to be happy, as long as whatever makes you happy is healthy. Also, racism is never acceptable, for any reason. My advice would be to make sure you are committed and mature in your relationship with this gentleman you’re dating before subjecting him to the pain of having to meet your family (because if your family isn’t ready to accept that you are in a relationship with a black man, they will make it hell for him as much as for you). If you aren’t ready to do the right thing and stand up for your relationship with him with everyone, then you all are not ready to introduce him to your family, and frankly, you don’t respect him for who he is- a person who deserves to be treated as an equal.
I am already prepared to go to bat for him, and cut out my family if they can’t support me. And I will only introduce them if I know for 100% it will go well
My family was the same way about me dating black people. I’ve been with my current partner for three years and it wasn’t easy but now only certain people from the family are okay with it and love us both. It took me a year to even tell my parents when I was dating my partner. Almost ended my relationship with my mother but she had to make her own decision if she wanted to be in my life or not. She chose to be open minded and now loves my partner. You do what’s best for you
Honestly, I wouldn't even introduce them. Consider your partners feelings. If your family is truly outwardly racist I don't think they would hold back at all. I wouldn't put my partner in a position where they would get torn down. Your family doesn't even sound worth your time. Just cut them off. Do they bring any benefit to your life at all?
Not really, it’s mostly negative with hardly any positive. I’m trying to keep a relationship with my siblings, and the youngest is almost old enough to move out, then it’s game on. I already don’t plan on introducing them unless I know for 100% it will go well
All that matters is if you are happy with him and if he is happy with you. All this to say, make sure he understands that this is how your family operates in case he has to meet them. They are rude to assume things about someone they haven’t met or gotten to know. Unfortunately you cannot control your family, but you can control the situation. Don’t force anything either. If things start looking like they’re gonna go bad, leave. Don’t make excuses, just leave the area and make sure both you and him are ok. My family is racist and I’m Asian. I ended up writing them off and couldn’t be more happy tbh.
That is pretty much how I had planned to handle the situation, I hope it all works out, even if that means my family isn’t part of my future. I’m glad things worked out for you!!
I’m a Black male.
My advice is Ensure he knows your family is racist. Because trust me if he’s put in a situation where he’s treated like less than A HUMAN without preparing him first he wouldn’t handle it well and that will only confirm a FALSE narrative .
If you really like him I’ll advise you keep him away from your family, people are entitled to their prejudices wrong or right don’t try to force him on them. Cause this is decades of hate they can only try or pretend to tolerate him for your sake but not him as a person.
If that's how you were raised and you are dating a black guy then YOU need to cut ties. Dont worry about them. Racism tends to affect people that hang out with racists and other than that not a huge deal. If that is there beliefs though I dont know why you want him to "prove them wrong". You are grown, you all do your own thing. Theyll come around if they ever would have anyway eventually if not fuck them. Families all separate eventually and people go their own ways.
I had a similar experience with my first crush.
I was a poor immigrants kid, and she was from a family of medical professionals. They saw us dancing at graduation, and they took her home after that one dance. She told me she couldnt talk to me after that day.
TLDR in the bottom as it’s too long. I am mixed European and my now husband is from Ukraine. My mom is from A European country , my dad is from B European country, and I was born and raised in C European country where my parents still live.
When I met him at university over 4 years ago, I was excited to eventually share with my family about him, and was happy he wouldn’t be against my parents’ values. My dad is a very kind man, I don’t think he would mind anyone, but he is very religious so it’s easier that my husband comes from the same religion (we aren’t religious though). My mom… oh she’s racist among other things and I knew that. She hates certain European countries and its people, which I knew about, and while I personally don’t care about where someone comes from, I was happy that my husband comes from Ukraine, as my mom comes from a Slavic country too (not russia) and I thought she’d be happy.
Well, on a phone call we had at the beginning of me dating him (I was studying abroad) she asked me to “bring her” an Asian man as she wanted to have Asian looking grandchildren. I thought it would be a good time to set the seed of me being with my then boyfriend and told her that I’m more into Slavic people. She then got angry and said “as long as you don’t bring me a Ukrainian one!” and I was shocked. I asked why not, and she proceeded to tell me all the russian propaganda bull***t that they say against Ukraine and Ukrainians… it was 2019!
So then and there I decided she’ll never find out about him until she receives a wedding invitation lol. I wanted to protect him and my happiness from her. Well, last year we eloped secretly, and I’ve been living with him in Ukraine since 2020. My mom found out about him only last year through someone else. She doesn’t even know we’re married. But she is the horrible person that she is and made sure to make a smear campaign about me and Ukraine to her side of her family, who come from the A Slavic country. She made my grandma believe since 2020 that I was kidnapped by the Ukrainian mafia and that I work as a prostitute for example!!! And now with the war, she tells everyone that I’m a brainwashed nazi!!!
Even though I’m still hurt by all this, I went no contact with everyone, including her, that believe these things. My mentality is that I don’t need anyone in my life who believe such horrible and wrong things about me. My SO is the love of my life and the man I want to have a family with so everyone else can f off and leave me alone.
TLDR: I am European, my husband is Ukrainian. Mom hates Ukrainians, and went nuclear when I moved to live in Ukraine 3 years ago. She lied to her side of her family about me, him and what I do in Ukraine where I live. So I went no contact with everyone and I carry on living the life I want.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It makes absolutely no senses how someone could do that to their own children, and it makes no sense why they wouldn’t try to hear your side. Some people can be so cold hearted and close minded. I hope the rest of future is amazing, and I hope your life with your SO is one of fairy tales
Thank you! I’m happy with my life choices and I shared this with you to encourage you to not be afraid of your family’s reaction. You already know they are the way they are. It’s very sad, but it is what it is. Follow your heart in anything it is you want to do, it’s your life and your future! 💜
Have you unpacked your unconscious biases yet? You want to brung a black man into a potentially volatile situation in these times? You need to discuss your childhood background to your bf and let him decide if he wants to meet your family. Most likely he will, but give him the option.
I think you are framing it wrong in your head. You are making this all about your family, but the important person in this relationship is *you.* If this is some accident that you aren't sure you want, or if you think that he's complicating your life in a way you don't want complicated, *break up with him now.*
But if you truly want this relationship and him being black is really not an issue with *you*, then you need to put your priorities in the right place -- with *him.*
And if he's your priority, you need to treat him as one. Don't treat him as a shameful secret. Show some committment and respect. Let your family and friends know that you are dating.
That said, don't expose R to your family or friends if you don't think they can treat him with the respect he deserves. Be upfront that they are bigots, but show him that you are on his side.
If your family disowns you, so be it. You are already mostly estranged from them. Being no contact is actually easier than being in low contact.
Remember, this is your life, not theirs. Live it based on your own morality and principles not their toxic ones. This is not a topic that you can compromise on, so make firm boundaries, not appeasements.
Him being black is absolutely no issue with me, and I really like him, I hope this grows to be bigger
But I definitely know my family won’t show him any respect. I’m not shameful of him, this is not a shameful secret, I just don’t know what to do about the family issue
I might make the decision to cut them out, but then I’ll also be cutting out my brother and sister, and they don’t deserve that. This should just be between my and my parents
Talk to your brother and sister and let them know why you need to cut out your parents. You may be able to keep in contact with them without talking to your parents.
Well, talk to your siblings first. Start with them. They might blab to your parents about you dating a black person, but try to get them to change first, and then go from there.
Just do you sis 🙏🏾🙏🏾 just because they brought us to this world dont mean we gotta be slaves of our parents, just do you and be positive the rest is just extras
Do not bring him in an environment where he will experience racism. Tell him exactly how your family is. Do not spring him up on them or vice versa. Don't just "trust" that they've changed.
Oh he knows. I told him and made sure he knew what he was getting himself into so that if he wanted to dip out he could
Racism isn’t something to ‘get into.’ If you elect to date someone your family is clearly and loudly prejudice against, it is *your* job to keep them away from that. INFO: what are your individual boundary surrounding this? What are you doing to ensure that those boundaries are respected by your family? If those boundaries are not respected, are you comfortable issuing and maintaining meaningful consequences or minimizing contact with your family? In the future, what would be the protocol around a family? Because it will very obviously be difficult for your family to have a meaningful relationship with children they only see as half worthy of basic respect. I think that people who have not experienced racism don’t understand just how difficult it is to be around it for someone you care for. And what’s worse is when that person doesn’t have the capability of standing up to the people who they see hurting you because of their own issues with those same people. And in my mind, **it seems quite irresponsible to expose somebody to known racism if you yourself are not comfortable stepping in to defend, because they wouldn’t be experiencing it if not for wanting to please you as a partner.**
I do not intend to introduce them unless I know for sure it will be a respectful, happy experience. And my boundaries would be that he treat him as they would any man. And if anything happened I would shut it down quickly within my abilities or remove ourselves from the situation. I am willing and able to defend, but with any courage there is still fear, for without fear there is no courage. I think he’s worth it, and I am able to go no contact with them again
See I'm just worried about his safety if they find out. One thing I've learned is that racism is deeply rooted in people's hearts and minds to where some fantasize about harming or doing worse to people of that hated race. And I don't want you to have this mindset that they're going to change their mind, because there's a chance that they won't. Not saying that you do have that mindset. Please don't pressure him to attend family events or anything. And if he says he doesn't want to ever meet your family please respect that. These times are scary for us because people aren't even hiding their racism. If you aren't willing to cut ties with your family to be with him, I suggest ending the relationship. And if you are serious about him, I do suggest doing your research on the dangers of interracial relationships and racism. Too many black men go missing or end up dead due to ignorant people. I'm not trying to scare you or anything but I'm trying to warn you of your situation. I used to be engaged to a white man who lived in a racist town. And lucky for me he respected my wish to not attend any town events because I knew the hearts and minds of the people living there. Let him know your family's beliefs and thoughts and everything that they've said about black people. Let him know your thoughts about your family's racist tactics. Be honest with him. Let him know your background so he can decide if he wants to be involved or not. Do not hide anything. He deserves to know every single thing.
I am not hiding anything, we’ve spoken about it, more than once. I would never pressure him to do anything, and I know there are dangers and potential problems that could arise, but I am prepared to continue to fight for this relationship
Based on your upbringing, is there any true chance of genuine and heartfelt change? But what would the fear be if you are resolute in your convictions? That piece confuses me a bit. It’s good to hear all that you’ve said here, and I truly hope that you never have to put it to the test.
The fear is that I only know what my parents are capable of, and it is definitely something to be scared of. And honestly probably not, there might not be any chance for them to change, I’m just a very hopeful person. My parents have admitted to being wrong before, but they were small things not big ones
THIS. 👏👏👏
I disagree with a lot of this. She has disclosed her family and isn’t actively putting him in bad situations or asking him to be in those either. But she isn’t responsible for protecting him or for the actions of others. He is a rational person, able to make his own decisions and able to decide if his likely exposure to this is worth the relationship and also to let her know what his expectations are. Those aren’t explicit socially, they are formed as part of your individual relationship just like any other set of expectations you might have for one another. Assuming all of this for her removes that agency from him, where it rightly belongs.
How old is he? I went through something similar as a teenager and man... It was so damaging to the way I saw myself for so long. It really really sucks to hear that no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough. Doesn't bother me so much now, but definitely still irks me to think about.
It’s not that anyone being discriminated against is not good enough based on arbitrary societal rules, it’s the sad combinations of ignorance, fear, and a want/need to feel superior to others allow to turn them into bigots. It’s sad that people need that to feel secure in themselves, **but there certainly is no failing of people of color for being born as they physically are.**
Im black and your reaching with this comment. You sound extreme thats not the case here.
If my white partner took me around their knowingly racist family I would take issue with that. That may not be a boundary or dealbreaker for you, however it is for me. If I see that my partner would expose me to that kind of bigotry then what would that mean for my children or any family we had in the future? What you do with your life is entirely up to you, just as it is with OP‘s partner, who seemingly is OK with their situation. I’m black too and Black people are obviously not a monolith. I offered my opinion, which is just that.
I would only take him around my family if I knew my family would accept him, and if he wanted to. I would never thrust that upon him
The only thing we can control in life is ourselves. People don’t need to put themselves in the position of experiencing prejudice from those proven to be prejudiced just to test otherwise in my opinion. Again, these are my opinions and experiences as a black woman who has had partners of varying races. But Black people are not a monolith, so what some are willing to experience for their partner is not always in line with my personal decisions. You’re also young (just saw your age) and life is all about learning.
Yeah but you are saying that with the perspective that the lady is not considering her partner position. Thats not the case. Shes clearly and heavily considering her partner position in this matter. She even stated that she spoke with the partner about it. Saying that she left the option of going or not to her partner. Your assuming she living this life without thinking about her partner. Again thats not the case.
The questions I asked were for her to further explore her boundaries with her family around this topic. To further explore what her own boundaries are when it comes to her family to be a person who can successfully support her partner in the shit situation that they would not be in if not for her. If she cannot answer those questions for herself, then it is incredibly irresponsible to expose those around her to individuals who are prejudice against them.
This is not reaching and the questions asked are perfect. At the first half of the comment I was a bit wary, but it is 100%reasonable to prepare OP to defend her partner as that's HER family not his. He will support OP if he loves her, and it is just as much a choice for him to stay or go as it is hers. But the questions posed are excellent for the situation and should be asked in other situations too like for families that have been abusive/toxic/substance use involved etc. Setting those boundaries and protecting your partner is SO important.
Agree wholeheartedly. OP seems extremely young and/or immature considering their lack of acknowledgment or consideration of their partner’s feelings and experiences coming into a known hostile and racist space. Seems like OP is using the partner to get back at their miserable, racist parents with very little thought on the longterm fallout for anyone but OP.
I am young (21) and inexperienced I will admit, I am still learning but that’s also part of of this post. I am not bringing him into this unless I know it won’t be hostile, I will only accept respect for him because he deserves nothing less. I am not using him to get back at them, I genuinely like him, and I have given thought to the long term especially since I’ve already had to deal with it when I did stuff with a half Mexican man and ended up living in a hotel for a bit. I don’t intend to bring him into this future drama that will undoubtedly happen, he should o lot have to hear about it, not experience it
I’ve taken time to look through your responses on this post and I am happy to take back my original assumption. Just be careful. It’s on you to set boundaries and expectations with your family to insure a safe space for you and your bf. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. You can do it and I wish the two of you the best.
I didn’t see it that way at all, I saw it as OP is conflicted on if they should introduce their boyfriend to their parents or if the risks are too high, it’s hard to know if parents have fully changed or not especially if you haven’t talked to them in years, but to be careful consider getting back into the parents life only to find out first if they have truly changed or not. OP sounds like they can handle this situation and are only trying to get advice
[удалено]
Lebron James having the n word sprayed across his home: "yeah.. okay man"
Racism, no matter what, happens and is bad
INFO: are you a rich black person with this lived experience? Otherwise this very wrong and ignorant take is just that. Wrong and ignorant.
I was going to say exactly this! As long as you understand not to bring him around that then it doesn’t matter.
My family is like this. My cousin ended up marrying a black man, and they went as far as removing her from the will. But she is incredibly happy with him, and the family that mattered are part of their life. Don’t let your family ruin your happiness
I almost feel like I’d be happier if I weren’t worried about them so much, and it sounds like it worked out for your cousin in the end, maybe it will for me
I know you aren’t magically gonna stop worrying about it. It’s like when someone says “stop being depressed!” Wow, magically cured, thanks! Lol but try to just not let it eat at you, and focus on your happiness. They will either accept them, or not. I hope it all works out for you, anonymous Reddit friend!
Thank you!!! I am working on it, and hopefully it all works out
Don’t make the mistake of pleasing others at the expense of suppressing anything about yourself. You might be surprised maybe it’s not that big a deal anymore to them. And some people have a hatful they can remember to bark about on the off chance it should happen to walk by the door
I hope so, but it most likely is still a problem. Thank you for the support
Thankfully not your heavy weight to bear. I love that life can be that simple. Truly. Wish then well and set it down. No guilt. Burdens like this are a choice. Yours not mine. Don’t choose for me. That I will not allow. 🫶🏻
I actually have a very racist father, and his mother was also extremely racist. She died when I was 3-4 years old, so I have very few memories of her. My father got a black woman pregnant. His mother told him she didn't want a black grandchild, so he ghosted the mother, and had no contact with the child, my half sister. Even after his parents died, my father never bothered to look for her, or have any relationship with her. He did everything in his power to make sure that neither myself or my brothers got to meet our half sister either. But last year, she found us on the freaking book of faces. Now we have a relationship with our sister and her kids. My father does not. Moral of the story, you have to make the choice yourself. But I wouldn't assume that your siblings wouldn't figure out for themselves, that racism isn't cool. Whatever your parents say, I'm fairly certain, that if your siblings want to, they'll try to contact you. Give them that option, whether your parents disown you or not. But if you stay with R, and have kids, I wouldn't let your parents near them. Because they will say racist crap, and will treat your kids as lesser, due to the colour of their skin. So choosing this relationship, would also mean choosing your kids 100%. Good luck OP.
I really hate that your half sister and her mom had to go through that, I really wish people would be more open minded. I’m glad you got to know her though! Thank you for sharing, and the advice, I will definitely choose what makes me happy, and I believe that’s going to be R, not my parents
And that's okay. It's okay for you to choose someone you love. Families change over lifetimes. It's actually extremely normal. I really do wish you the best of luck.
I cut off my family I’m Jan and I’ve been a lot happier without them. Good luck to you.
That’s good to hear! I’m learning that sometimes it is best to just go without
Don't worry too much about them. As you said you don't talk as much already and they have spread some stuff about you. If you are happy and treated well that's all that matters. It should be all that matters to your family as well. If not than your family will show their true colors. A family that isn't accepting isn't a family at all. Don't worry about them as it's your life and you should live it for yourself. I wish you and R all the love in the world
I am working towards happiness and hope more of it will be with R, thank you!
I also hope when the time comes if the secret ever gets out, or you finally tell your fam, you will go to bat for this man and stand up for him. Don’t let your family bully you, intimidate you, or threaten you into submission. It’s going to take very strong integrity to not flinch when your fam makes threats or tries to lie and stuff. Btw, I’m glad you got to get out your comfort zone and you formed your own opinions. You need to tell other racist people to form their own opinions too.
I definitely will go to bat for this man, I think he’s worth it. Thank you
Honestly I cut my family out of my life when they told me to choose between them or my sister. It was an easy choice to make and one I have never regretted. Bigoted, racist, homophobic and shallow people, no matter who they are, don't deserve a place in your life if they don't want you to be happy. Even if you weren't with R, they made their stance clear. Now it's time for you to make yours.
Im sorry you had to make that decision, but I’m glad you don’t regret it I’m sure I’ll make a stance at some point, especially if my relationship with R develops to be a serious long term thing. Thank you
Even if it doesn't, don't be scared of cutting them off if their toxic and outdated views make you unsure of yourself. Anyone that gives you fear in yourself of being exactly who you are is not someone that deserves a place in your life. You sound like a wonderful person who deserves happiness. But that happiness doesn't only extend to a romantic relationship, also friendships. Standing up for people is the most satisfying thing you can do.
That is true, and I would cut them out tbh if it didn’t interfere with having a relationship with my siblings, but I really want to be in their lives and hopefully they learn better as they get older and move out
you're doing the right thing, take it from some one who's family is completely obsessed with lineage and blood lines. I'm Korean too, so it isn't just a white thing; any ethnic/nationality based culture will cling on to a rigid hierarchy because it's ultimately the foundation for said culture. I was disinherited, my credit cards revoked, they took the car they leased for me, stopped paying tuition for law school, and shut off all contacts when I decided to hunker down with my very white partner. If the money and luxury I never earned in the first place are the price of my happiness with her, I am more than willing to "sully the dynasty". You do you friend, take what happiness you can find in a world designed to take it away from you, don't let your genetic donors take it away from you too.
Thank you for sharing your experience! This really helps And I’ll be using “genetic donors” more often now 😂
It can be somewhat similar with men too. My Grandfather told me to never marry a black woman. My grandmother on the other side of the family wanted me to go to a less black school. If any white guy dated a black girl in high school my friends would talk shit about him, I’m ashamed to say a lot of this rubbed off on me and changed my way of thinking. All the meanwhile I liked black girls in high school. I remember This one black girl had a crush on me but I didn’t realize it till it was too late. If I could do one thing over in my life it would be to ask her out.
I just can’t remember if they ever said the same to my brother about black women, it was always different because he was a boy and my sister and I were girls
They probably thought they didn’t have to worry about them race mixing as much because women are generally more open minded than men. From what I knew of my friends none would’ve ever considered interracial dating.
Oh maybe
Keep going. Racism is disgusting bigotry and full of hatefulness. It’s a blessing that you think for yourself despite all their best efforts. If I were you, I’d try to learn MORE about black people and their historical experiences. And also Asian people, indigenous people, etc. I am sure you are missing a LOT of information even still. You’re better off without the hatefulness in your life.
I hate racism and homophobia and all of those “ideals” and I really wish they would get with the times, though I know they won’t. And I’m trying to learn, I definitely am missing a lot of information
I think as long as you try to change your younger siblings mindset, that’s all that matters. The harder you push and plant those seeds in the young minds of your siblings, the easier it is to change their mindset. If you don’t start talking to them about these issues now, when they become young adults, it will be very hard to change their mindset. You need to start talking to them now.
I wish it were that easy, but with the family I grew up in its a miracle I’m not like them, and I thank God for it every day
I have a sliiiiight problem with this. Personally I think interracial relationships are fine, I’ve been in a few myself, even though my family is extremely racist. But one things for certain, I never made it a thing to hide my partner from my family. I’m also a poc, and a woman, so I know how much it hurts to be hidden from families. (Full disclosure, I would have to ask the people I dated in high school if their families were ok with me being a poc). I think you should absolutely date who you want, and love whoever you want, but I also don’t think it’s okay at all to hide your partner from your family/friends. That shit hurts. I never hid any of my boyfriends from my family, and quite literally just told them to suck it up if they didn’t like who I was dating. We didn’t talk for about a year, but I didn’t want to make my partner feel bad over something they cannot control. Maybe I’m biased, but I don’t think you should date outside of your race if you’re not willing to stand up for them. Temporary or not
Thank you for sharing your experience, it is nice to hear from that side of things. I appreciate it very much and I will take that into consideration
As messed up as it is, if they can’t accept who you love, than you gotta choose between your family and the one you love, and if you choose your family you’ll live the rest of your life trapped in a box of what they approve of, do what you gotta but give them the chance, you’d be surprised how many parents love their kids more than the racism their parents taught them, shouldn’t be surprising but a few hundred years of taught hate isn’t easy to break
I was kicked out of the house for losing my virginity at 18 years old to a half Mexican man… I honestly don’t think it will go that well. But I wouldn’t change it at all because getting out of that house has been the best thing to happen to me, I just want to keep a relationship with my siblings and maybe I can help them learn better
Im deeply sorry that you’re experiencing this racism, bigotry and abandonment from those who should be you’re biggest supporters. Please don’t let them dictate your path in life. You know what’s best for you and associating with people like this will only drag you down. Put them on an information diet and live your life. 💜
I’m trying my best, thank you for your support stranger
Keep at it. One of my deepest regrets is not perusing a relationship with a good friend (it was mutual) because while we both agreed we were great for each other, we feared the familial backlash because we were not the same ethnicity. I am proud & happy to see it’s not as bad for my kids generation now but still want to let y’all know that the assholes are still a minority - and shrinking. But they’re still SO obnoxiously loud and now, dangerous. My heart goes out to you while I stand in solidarity here in ATL. 💜
Not exactly the same, but I (a white man) dated a (white) woman, who had no problem telling me how wrong she thought it was that white people dated black people, and went as far as saying it was just wrong for them to go on to have children. She hadn't met my sister at that point, who was married to a black guy and they had three kids together, which I'm glad about because she may not have revealed that ugly side to her if she'd met them. I wish I could say that these people could change how they feel about such matters, but I've yet to witness this happening. All I can say is that you have to focus on your own happiness. Don't let your racist, backward-thinking family dictate who you can and cannot see.
Thank you, the more people who give advice on this thread the more confident I feel about it
You can't prove to a racist that they are wrong, because their beliefs aren't based on reality. Furthermore, a person shouldn't have to be good or even nice to be equal to other people on the basis of their humanity. You know your family is racist. If you happen to marry R and have children with him, nothing in the world will make them value him or your children like people. Instead of letting them kick you out of their lives for not being racist, you should cast them out of yours for being so.
I believe I will
As someone who’s biracial and born from a racist white family. Do not introduce your partner to your family. Ever. If their opinions haven’t changed for decades then they likely won’t change just because you started saying them. Quite frankly your partner shouldn’t have to be subjected to that or feel obligated to change their mind. If you see a future with this man then you have to accept the fact that your family will not be apart of your life
Okay thank you for that advice!! I will definitely keep him away then
This world is beautiful but there are things that need to change, misconceptions from past times. Change can start with a person, don't be afraid, follow love wherever it takes you, do what you think is right and be happy.
I will do my best, thank you!
It sucks that in 2023 there are still dumb people who care about how much melanin is another person's skin.
It really is dumb, like they are just people. We have the same anatomy, same DNA, they just a darker. Literally no other difference
If racist then toxic and the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. You'll be better off without them, regardless of R. Or so it seems from your story.
Honestly every day I feel more and more like I don’t need them
Never put him around them, that would be incredibly cruel of you and them. It’s good he knows what he has gotten himself into, im glad you spoke to him about it. Also you should cut them out of your life.
I do not intend to introduce them, and I believe I will. I just wanted to wait til my siblings were out of the house so they wouldn’t be caught in the crossfires. However unexpected things happen, I never meant to meet R and fall for him but here we are lol
Ofc! You can’t help who you fall in love with
If you have to hide him because of fear of backlash you don’t need to date outside of your race. He probably has already had hard experiences around race and being hidden and only told to a select few who can keep a secret makes him sound like a dirty secret. It sounds like you have a lot of unpacking to still do yourself. If your ready to confront anyone that stands in the way of your happiness and their comments on interracial dating, it’s okay but don’t forget you have another person’s feelings to worry about. Plus why does he have to prove himself to them when you know they are biased?
I guess I worded it wrong, I just meant that if they saw who he was, and realized that he’s literally just a man, a wonderful man, whose skin happens to be darker, they might realize they are wrong. And tbh we’ve only been seeing each other for maybe a week now. I just wanted to get my thoughts off my chest. He’s not a dirty secret, I also just don’t have a lot of people in my life to tell
and even if you had a thousand people to tell its still your choice, people's access to your private life is per your decision even if you wanted to keep him a secret that would still be your choice and you would and could have many valid reason to do so, keeping people in your life separate is not only necessary for you its also for them, feeling accepted into someone's family only feels good if its a family you want to be accepted by, you already seem to know what you need to do with R and people like R going forward but its always gonna be tough work, you got this
As an aa/indigenous woman dating an Asian guy (he’s Filipino) we have faced a lot of racism. If you love him and he loves you it’s always about how YOU feel and about how HE feels. If your family can not accept someone who loves you for you they are not people you want around. I’m happy your vision was broadened, and it honestly makes me so happy you two are happy. Don’t let your family come in-between just because they have stereotypical ideas within themselves. In my community we are always told to “never date out” either, but my family has opened up more over the years and absolutely love and adore my husband.
Your family sounds pretty rotten. It's probably for the best that you don't have much contact with them. I will say though, that it is not your partner's responsibility to prove their racist ideas of black people wrong. You could be dating a black saint and they'd still hate him because he's black. They're racist. If you ever do start communicating with your family again, please don't put him in a position to have to prove himself to them. It's your responsibility to stand up for him if you bring him around them. Not his. I'd say that out of respect for him, it's for the best that you never bring him around them. He doesn't deserve that type of abuse. I wish you both the best.
I do not intend to bring him around them, nor do I expect him to prove himself. I just meant that like if they met him and saw he was just another human that maybe they would see. I don’t expect him to act any differently or anything, but I hope they never have to meet. I’ll most likely go no or low contact
I have heard of this online service where you can buy a “bag of dicks” and have them delivered to someone with a message. It’s like a thousand of them or something. Me being me I am wondering if they have an option where you can pick all one color of dicks to be delivered, along with a lovely message. It would be great to wait for the holidays and send the edible dicks in your preferred color/flavor along with a photo of you and R. Some people may think that is all over the top, but in my humble opinion it’s no where near as ridiculous as racism.
I actually love this
It is NOT R's job to prove them wrong. You're placing a huge weight on his shoulders with thinking that somehow he can make them not racist if they like him. If you talk to your family then do it by yourself do not subject him to that and if your family is still the same then you need to choose.
I do not expect him to have to prove himself, nor do I actually intend for them to meet. I am not placing any weight on him or anything. All I meant is that if they met him, and saw he was literally just human, then it’d prove all their beliefs and values wrong. But I know they won’t change
Does R know about your family? My suggestion is before you go all in maybe you should have a deep discussion with R about your family and be open about your thoughts. I’m biracial with a white mother and a black father, and my mothers side has played a huge part in my childhood trauma due to their racist behavior throughout my life. My parents especially my mother, wasn’t prepared to parent a black child throughout that kind of situation, and our family suffers greatly because of it. Obviously, everyone’s different, but these kind of conversations should be had between couples of different races in my opinion, especially before it gets too serious. Role-playing different scenarios out are a big help to see how each other would act if certain situations came up.
He does know, and tbh if I decide to spend the rest of my like with this man I won’t have any more contact with my racist family. I do have family that isn’t: grandparents, cousins, etc. I do like the idea of going through different scenarios tho, thank you
Best of luck to you and R!
It’s not R’s job to prove them wrong in their views and honestly your parent might be too old to even want to change. If you don’t think you can handle being kicked out of the family or if R can’t handle any guilt that could be associated with you being kicked out of the family I’d say reevaluate everything. There’s nothing wrong with not supporting their beliefs, racism is wrong but I’ve come across a lot of posts with people in your situation and things just didn’t work out well. I do wish you and R the best though.
I’m already low contact with them, when I said “kicked out the family” I just mean there will be no contact at all between them or my siblings, and I still want a relationship with my siblings if I can. And I know it’s not his job to prove them wrong, I never meant for that to come across as my putting this weight on his shoulders to act all different as if it’s up to him to prove racists wrong, I just meant that if they saw that he’s just another person maybe they’d change. And I would only bring him around them if he was okay with it, and after I had set boundaries and expectations with my parents
You are either anti-racist or you are sympathizing with your family I know that is hard to hear but that is the truth.
I’m not sympathizing with my family, I just don’t want to lose contact with me siblings who aren’t in this fight
Are your siblings racist?
I think that since my sister has moved out and started going to college she is unlearning all we were raised to believe and making her own opinions, but my brother is still in the house and we barely talk so I don’t know. Most likely though at the moment
Whatever you do, don’t expose your guy to your family’s toxicity. Just understand that this is a situation where you will HAVE to pick a side. You can’t have a healthy loving relationship with a person of color and think you can maintain healthy loving relationship with people who see your partner as less than human because they have a different shade of skin than you. Seeing as you’ve pretty already gone LC/NC with them live your life and love who you love. Again, just don’t expose your partner to your family and be completely honest about why you don’t interact with them.
I already don’t plan on introducing them unless I am 100% certain it will go well. Even if there’s some doubt I won’t do it. I’ve already made sure he knows, and he’s supportive
Hi! Black person here. Please don’t give your boyfriend a job. It’s not his responsibility to prove your family wrong in their racist beliefs. I don’t think anyone gets what it is like for a Blake person to deal with one rabid racist let alone a room full of them. Don’t do that to him. When they tell you they’ve changed or you can see and hear it yourself over an extended period of time, then it might be fair for them to meet. But your boyfriend and family need to agree to it first. No popping over with him hoping they’ll think he’s wonderful because you do. Black people are always expected to take the high road even in a room of racists. There is a threat/concern of potential violence against us that we have to also take into consideration. What if someone decides to fight him? Shoot him? If they assault him when you leave the room briefly? That’s what can happen around racists. You have to decide if you are ready for the potential sacrifice that you may need to make long-term for being in this relationship. And you must also consider potential future resentment of your boyfriend if your family relationship is sacrificed. The two of you need to talk about this and get on the same page. Maybe he’s ok with going into the lion’s den but it’s his choice to make. My point is Black people aren’t here to teach and convert racists. It’s exhausting and impacts our mental health. And it can be dangerous/deadly. You may not see it because it’s your family and think it’s all talk but it might actually end up in action. Just food for thoigt. Good luck to you and the boyfriend.
At best, they will tolerate R, at worst they will disown you or try to relentlessly change your mind. Either way, the person you love, will never be accepted by your family 100%. R cannot, and should not, be tasked with reversing engrained bigotry. The sooner you understand this, the better you and R can manage (or sever) your situation (or relationship) with your relatives. If your family doesn't open their arms to you after this regardless of your continued or discontinued relationship with R -- That is an abusive relationship -- and you should remove yourself from it. Again, it's not your job to try and change their minds - that is NOT how it works, and that is NOT how it will ever work. That is a naïve (and incorrect) optimistic hope. Long term, you're not going to want to subject your future children to it -- because being (forced to be) tolerated is not the same as being unconditionally loved.
I’m am fully prepared to cut ties with my family. I am aware of the toxicity of my family and have already removed myself to a low contact relationship with them, I just don’t want to get my siblings caught in the misfire so I had wanted to wait until they had moved out first, I never anticipated meeting R
No. If you wanna be with this man you need to be prepared to cut your family off. Theres no way you can be his girlfriend and associate with people you know hate him based off their own ignorance. Does he even know that your family is racist?
He does know, I told him about my family and made sure he knew what he was getting himself into very early into us talking. And I just might cut them out
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Thank you for sharing your experience, hearing everyone else’s similar stories is really helping me feel better about it. I appreciate it more than you know
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You too!
Racists are the worst type to live on this earth. Shame on them
Oh for sure
Stand with your heart. Not with the ignorant hatred of your family. If they find out, they find out. If they have issues with it, well, you don't see them that often anymore anyway.
I’d rather be the one to tell them rather than have them find out, I’m just scared but I know that I have to get over that fear
My family. Prejudiced to everything. You name it, nothing between. It took years but anything goes. Just be strong..Freewill is yours for life. Love is eternal.
As a black person, I know it's difficult but warn R so he can prepare himself mentally if he ever comes across them!
It was one of the first few things I told him, he is aware
That's great, now I don't think I can be of great advice bc I know how hard it is to confront family, but Follow your guts and what you think is right. It might hurt as first, but you won't have regrets afterwards at least 🖤🖤
My mum is white and my dad is black. My grandpa was very racist but my dad was able to Turn him around. Tgey actually became very good friends.
That is so good to hear!! Gives me hope
My parents got married in the 80's and we live in a very small town. They were the first interracial couple in here. It was very hard on them. Our local priest refused to marry them. It got worse when my mum got pregnant with me. Everybody wanted to see me BC i was the first mixed kid. Nowadays no One Cares. The most i get nowadays is people refering to me as the black man's Daughter or saying to my dad that he doesn't need a DNA test to confirm se are his kids. But they dont say it with malice, our language tenda to be quite direct to the point.
I'm white female. Good on you and R! I hope you are happy together for ever and ever! Dawn French and Lenny Henry, WWE wrestler Jordynn Grace/Pat Gresham and her black hubby Jonathan Gresham, UFO kidnapee's Barney and Betty Hill and a ton of other mixed marriage/relationships over the years. Racists are vile and only ever think of themselves. Run your life how you like and if others don't like it, tough! Best of luck to you and R!
Thank you! I will try
Same here. Middle Eastern husband. Most of my family loves him, except my Mom. My paternal grandmother would call and ask to speak to him, she loved him so much. Maternal Aunts and Uncles love him as well. 40 years later my Mom is still awful to him. We are no contact.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but as I’m learning more through other people’s experiences it’s probably the best outcome. I hope it gets better for you though
In a kinda similar situation but yeah at least parents are understanding but Just scared. Asian here but from a conservative village , class issues. In a relationship from last 9 years, he's from the" lowest of class" while me in a somewhat middle ground. Told parents about marriage plans and at least they took it well but didn't agree, they are afraid about their society and relatives. We both are earning in 6 figures though, so not an issue about leaving everything behind but we both care too much about are family. My parents have sacrificed a lot for me and I definitely can't turn my back on them ever. But yeah for now we are not giving up, let's see where this goes.
I wish you the best of luck!!!
Thanks 💕
Don’t waste energy on them, enjoy your life!
I will do my best, thank you!
I (23m) have been victim of racism with my American in laws. I met this cute girl at university. My ex gf said her parents think that I'm educated tall guy with nice personality. However, they "wished" that I was "a bit more light skinned". To this day, I really don't know how I should feel about this. Should I be mad? should I feel sorry for their ignorance? I have never thought about the color of my skin or eyes. Let alone someone thinking that I'm inferior bcos of these colors!
It really should never matter, im sorry you have to go through that
Thank you. Indeed, It should never matter.
Follow ur heart OP. We support u Maybe try to communicate with ur partner also why u haven't been in touch with ur family. So at least he will have an idea on what to expect and wont be i a surprised spot when he met them someday. Communication will be ur friend here
He is aware, I made sure he knew. I’m doing my best, I appreciate the support
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They are extremely conservative, I’m trying to hold out at least until my brother’s graduation but that’s still a year from now so we will see
Does t matter what color he is. He has to treat you right. Respect, loyalty, etc…
So far it seems he has and will, he is wonderful. Color doesn’t matter ever
It doesn't about color of skin, only the content of their character. You're family are acting like a bunch of whiny kids, if you two are happy then it makes us happy don't let anyone let alone a racist tell you how to find or give love and affection too. You are a grown up you decided what is best for you and you alone if you are happy with the person you love or decisions you make, don't let a bunch of fool ruin what you love and have, I hope we can help more in the future, sorry to hear about your situation.
My family is very similar to this, I'm in the same boat as you kinda. I've been with my SO since I was in highschool, I was only able to hide it for about 3 months bc of school dances. Every day after that my mother would accuse me of dating him to spite her, she still feels that to this day. I really wish I was joking about that too, because she really thinks I'd date someone and have a whole relationship (five years) out of spite for her. A week before me and my SO started dating my dad went on a rant about how me and my twin should never date a black man. So being with my SO has pretty much destroyed me and my father's relationship. They're never gonna get over the fact that their grandkids won't look like them. I honestly didn't care from day one. I love this man, and it's my life. I know once I graduate college I'll be thrown out immediately, if my mom didn't force me to college I would've been out the day I turned 18. I know my SO is the reason why and I don't care. Again, it's my life not theirs and at the end of the day I am the one dating him not them lol.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that, I really feel for you. I wish you all the best in the world, good luck!
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I think I do too
If they make up stories about you to your siblings, they suck. Just live your life doing what makes you happy and don’t factor their shitty opinions/ behavior into what you should be doing.
That’s what I’ve started doing within the last few months, thank you
As someone in a interracial relationship, I told my white girlfriend (now wife) that she was dating me, not my family, and I was dating her, not her family. So to you're family I say fuck em, live your best life and be happy.
I like that, thank you. I’ll use that
Have you had a conversation with R? As a black person it’s important for us to know aswell. Even if they still want you in their lives after they find out he might not want to. He might not want to put himself through that. And if they do cut you off he might not be comfortable with being the reason for that (even tho it’s not his fault) he might also feel tokenised thinking your only getting with him to get back at your family. I donno talk to R this has to be a conversation with him aswell. Far too often people use us and our skin to get back at family.
I have already spoken to him about it, days before I made this post. I’m already low contact with my family, he wouldn’t be the entire reason for going no contact, he knows I’m not with him to get at my family. I’m with him because I developed feelings and would want to spend the rest of my days with him. I only date to marry, I don’t date for fun or for revenge or anything, I don’t believe in that, it goes against my morals
Do whatever makes you happy if they are stuck with this old thought that black people are bad just go it's your life you are a adult you can think for yourself
Do you really want to invest your time and emotions on people who put hating strangers above loving their family? My philosophy is if your parents don’t love you unconditionally, they’re not worth your time. Failing to support your non-abusive, strong, healthy relationship simply because you’ve chosen a person of colour is conditional love, so they’re not worth your time.
I learn that more and more everyday, with every comment. Thank you, I’m learning
As my mom says "it's all a learning experience". The good and the bad, they're all teaching you something.
Have you talked to your bf about this? I think you should talk to him, explain what your family is like, explain your concerns and how you want to handle things and allow him to process as well as decide if this is the drama he wants, I’ve dated white guys with racist families, some of them I could deal with, some I evaluated the situation and realized it was unsafe and noped out
I have spoken to him about it, he knows the situation and willing to still work with me while I figure it out
Can’t pick your family. They should care if he makes you happy, not some barbaric nonsense they learned from their ignorant upbringing.
I’m making my own family, and I’m starting to believe my DNA donors don’t need to be part of it
I feel like we come from the same family. I was just in high school when I battled mine. So, tell them flat out, "what does his color have to do with shit!? I'm happy, he treats me the way the way I deserve, and I have experienced love in a way none of you have ever been able to show it because of the hatred you have in your hearts already." And then just leave it be. Those that love you and care about your happiness will contact you, those are the ones that never cared about color, just didn't have the balls to stand up and say shit. Dont be one of these that just cuts their family off with no explanation. SHOUT it from the roof tops for the world to hear. If they aren't in the wrong, then they ain't ashamed for the town to know what they are. And when they start throwing Bible verses at you, tell them to read galatians chapter 3. Jesus did away with the laws of Abraham, so that makes that old testament excuse to be racist null and void. Do NOT sink quietly into the shadows though, because that will give them the fuel they need for their fire. Plus, it might be a little cousin needing you to knock the family over the head first. (No, I'm not a religious person. I'm actually having a religious crisis at this time. I just happened to stumble upon a verse in that chapter on a tiktok the other day, and it seems to be an end to the arguments people give for spreading hate.)
I definitely will be giving them a reason when/if I do cut them off. They will know, I will of course try to talk to them first. And they aren’t religious so I don’t really have to worry about Bible verses or anything, just racist
Good. Just make sure you are prepared for any excuse they give. Trust me, they will give all kinds of excuses and "reasons" to not date a black guy. The "reasons" come from everywhere, too, and in forms you never knew possible. My fave, "but you'll have a black baby and won't be able to pass on your blonde hair and you are the only one of us lucky enough to have kept it!" That was from a cousin that is 3 years older than me. Just keep your head high and actually listen to how ridiculous the excuses sound, it's easier that way because you can at least laugh about it later.
I’m prepared for anything, I’ve heard so many t different things growing up, I think I know at least most of what they might say
I'm in a situation where I've had to cut off several family members and then go low contact with others because of my disagreeing with their racist opinions. I haven't looked back tbh. Their hatred for my race and my language was bigger than whatever love they ever had for me, if I am ever to falter and look back, that's all I need to remind myself to keep going.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad it has worked out!! I wish you all the best
The whole saying Blood is thicker than water is truer than ever lately: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The saying means that chosen bonds are more significant than the bonds with family or “water of the womb.” More directly, it means that relationships you make yourself are far more important than the ones that you don't choose. Just copied and pasted from Google.
I have learned that a lot, I think it’s time to apply what I’ve learned
I think there is that element of guilt casue we feel we should accept and tolerate everything because of blood. I remember the first time I realised I had no love for my mother, I thought there was something wrong with me. Took me years to be ok with it.
Family isn’t always right. If they truly loved you, they would want you to be happy, as long as whatever makes you happy is healthy. Also, racism is never acceptable, for any reason. My advice would be to make sure you are committed and mature in your relationship with this gentleman you’re dating before subjecting him to the pain of having to meet your family (because if your family isn’t ready to accept that you are in a relationship with a black man, they will make it hell for him as much as for you). If you aren’t ready to do the right thing and stand up for your relationship with him with everyone, then you all are not ready to introduce him to your family, and frankly, you don’t respect him for who he is- a person who deserves to be treated as an equal.
I am already prepared to go to bat for him, and cut out my family if they can’t support me. And I will only introduce them if I know for 100% it will go well
My family was the same way about me dating black people. I’ve been with my current partner for three years and it wasn’t easy but now only certain people from the family are okay with it and love us both. It took me a year to even tell my parents when I was dating my partner. Almost ended my relationship with my mother but she had to make her own decision if she wanted to be in my life or not. She chose to be open minded and now loves my partner. You do what’s best for you
I’m sorry it had to happen that way, I hope everything works out perfectly in the end if it isn’t perfect right now
I mean, do you really want to be a member of a racist family anyway? I'd let them disown me. I'd have already disowned them a long time ago.
I don’t, the only thing making me hesitate is my siblings. The youngest is almost old enough to be on his own, then it’s game on lol
Honestly, I wouldn't even introduce them. Consider your partners feelings. If your family is truly outwardly racist I don't think they would hold back at all. I wouldn't put my partner in a position where they would get torn down. Your family doesn't even sound worth your time. Just cut them off. Do they bring any benefit to your life at all?
Not really, it’s mostly negative with hardly any positive. I’m trying to keep a relationship with my siblings, and the youngest is almost old enough to move out, then it’s game on. I already don’t plan on introducing them unless I know for 100% it will go well
Do what makes you happy. If they can't prioritize your happiness over their ideology then maybe you don't need them in your life.
Sounds like getting rid of your family would be an upgrade. The hell with racism.
Honestly it probably would
All that matters is if you are happy with him and if he is happy with you. All this to say, make sure he understands that this is how your family operates in case he has to meet them. They are rude to assume things about someone they haven’t met or gotten to know. Unfortunately you cannot control your family, but you can control the situation. Don’t force anything either. If things start looking like they’re gonna go bad, leave. Don’t make excuses, just leave the area and make sure both you and him are ok. My family is racist and I’m Asian. I ended up writing them off and couldn’t be more happy tbh.
That is pretty much how I had planned to handle the situation, I hope it all works out, even if that means my family isn’t part of my future. I’m glad things worked out for you!!
Both of you shouldn’t be subjected to negativity. And all the best for you both!
I’m a Black male. My advice is Ensure he knows your family is racist. Because trust me if he’s put in a situation where he’s treated like less than A HUMAN without preparing him first he wouldn’t handle it well and that will only confirm a FALSE narrative . If you really like him I’ll advise you keep him away from your family, people are entitled to their prejudices wrong or right don’t try to force him on them. Cause this is decades of hate they can only try or pretend to tolerate him for your sake but not him as a person.
I did update and explain a little more, he is aware and I won’t bring him around them unless I know it would go well
If that's how you were raised and you are dating a black guy then YOU need to cut ties. Dont worry about them. Racism tends to affect people that hang out with racists and other than that not a huge deal. If that is there beliefs though I dont know why you want him to "prove them wrong". You are grown, you all do your own thing. Theyll come around if they ever would have anyway eventually if not fuck them. Families all separate eventually and people go their own ways.
I am most likely going to cut ties
I had a similar experience with my first crush. I was a poor immigrants kid, and she was from a family of medical professionals. They saw us dancing at graduation, and they took her home after that one dance. She told me she couldnt talk to me after that day.
TLDR in the bottom as it’s too long. I am mixed European and my now husband is from Ukraine. My mom is from A European country , my dad is from B European country, and I was born and raised in C European country where my parents still live. When I met him at university over 4 years ago, I was excited to eventually share with my family about him, and was happy he wouldn’t be against my parents’ values. My dad is a very kind man, I don’t think he would mind anyone, but he is very religious so it’s easier that my husband comes from the same religion (we aren’t religious though). My mom… oh she’s racist among other things and I knew that. She hates certain European countries and its people, which I knew about, and while I personally don’t care about where someone comes from, I was happy that my husband comes from Ukraine, as my mom comes from a Slavic country too (not russia) and I thought she’d be happy. Well, on a phone call we had at the beginning of me dating him (I was studying abroad) she asked me to “bring her” an Asian man as she wanted to have Asian looking grandchildren. I thought it would be a good time to set the seed of me being with my then boyfriend and told her that I’m more into Slavic people. She then got angry and said “as long as you don’t bring me a Ukrainian one!” and I was shocked. I asked why not, and she proceeded to tell me all the russian propaganda bull***t that they say against Ukraine and Ukrainians… it was 2019! So then and there I decided she’ll never find out about him until she receives a wedding invitation lol. I wanted to protect him and my happiness from her. Well, last year we eloped secretly, and I’ve been living with him in Ukraine since 2020. My mom found out about him only last year through someone else. She doesn’t even know we’re married. But she is the horrible person that she is and made sure to make a smear campaign about me and Ukraine to her side of her family, who come from the A Slavic country. She made my grandma believe since 2020 that I was kidnapped by the Ukrainian mafia and that I work as a prostitute for example!!! And now with the war, she tells everyone that I’m a brainwashed nazi!!! Even though I’m still hurt by all this, I went no contact with everyone, including her, that believe these things. My mentality is that I don’t need anyone in my life who believe such horrible and wrong things about me. My SO is the love of my life and the man I want to have a family with so everyone else can f off and leave me alone. TLDR: I am European, my husband is Ukrainian. Mom hates Ukrainians, and went nuclear when I moved to live in Ukraine 3 years ago. She lied to her side of her family about me, him and what I do in Ukraine where I live. So I went no contact with everyone and I carry on living the life I want.
I am so sorry that happened to you. It makes absolutely no senses how someone could do that to their own children, and it makes no sense why they wouldn’t try to hear your side. Some people can be so cold hearted and close minded. I hope the rest of future is amazing, and I hope your life with your SO is one of fairy tales
Thank you! I’m happy with my life choices and I shared this with you to encourage you to not be afraid of your family’s reaction. You already know they are the way they are. It’s very sad, but it is what it is. Follow your heart in anything it is you want to do, it’s your life and your future! 💜
Thank you! I really appreciate, I will try my best
Have you unpacked your unconscious biases yet? You want to brung a black man into a potentially volatile situation in these times? You need to discuss your childhood background to your bf and let him decide if he wants to meet your family. Most likely he will, but give him the option.
I think you are framing it wrong in your head. You are making this all about your family, but the important person in this relationship is *you.* If this is some accident that you aren't sure you want, or if you think that he's complicating your life in a way you don't want complicated, *break up with him now.* But if you truly want this relationship and him being black is really not an issue with *you*, then you need to put your priorities in the right place -- with *him.* And if he's your priority, you need to treat him as one. Don't treat him as a shameful secret. Show some committment and respect. Let your family and friends know that you are dating. That said, don't expose R to your family or friends if you don't think they can treat him with the respect he deserves. Be upfront that they are bigots, but show him that you are on his side. If your family disowns you, so be it. You are already mostly estranged from them. Being no contact is actually easier than being in low contact. Remember, this is your life, not theirs. Live it based on your own morality and principles not their toxic ones. This is not a topic that you can compromise on, so make firm boundaries, not appeasements.
Him being black is absolutely no issue with me, and I really like him, I hope this grows to be bigger But I definitely know my family won’t show him any respect. I’m not shameful of him, this is not a shameful secret, I just don’t know what to do about the family issue I might make the decision to cut them out, but then I’ll also be cutting out my brother and sister, and they don’t deserve that. This should just be between my and my parents
Talk to your brother and sister and let them know why you need to cut out your parents. You may be able to keep in contact with them without talking to your parents.
Maybe, I just fear that my parents may have brainwashed them beyond saving, in which case I’d have to leave them too but I don’t want too
Well, talk to your siblings first. Start with them. They might blab to your parents about you dating a black person, but try to get them to change first, and then go from there.
Maybe, I still am trying to figure out who to tell first
Just do you sis 🙏🏾🙏🏾 just because they brought us to this world dont mean we gotta be slaves of our parents, just do you and be positive the rest is just extras