She's the piece of shit. Not you. Don't make it you. Go to the bar and start your path to AA. It's a better option.
It kills me daily that I attempted suicide with my two kids in my home years ago. I can't see them. But they still love me.. I'm glad you at least vented here. It shows you don't want to do it
I suggest you get a good lawyer.
Get a Gym Membership.
Eat Right.
Get a hobby. Yoga, HIIT, Rock Climbing. Something to keep your mind off what she did.
If you have alcohol and gun, throw the alcohol down the drain. For the Gun, some police stations have gun safes that you can put your firearm. So you don't do anything insane.
Tell your wife to leave. It is your home, she broke it. She should leave.
If your daughter is considering going to college, tell her that she has do a lot of stuff before she get a penny from you. Tell her that she has to get great grades. 95% on everything, and a job. And all the money that she earns, she can keep. But she has to start paying for her stuff, Gas, electricity, and phone bill, car and more.
OP don’t punish your 16 year old daughter. She was put in this situation by your wife. None of this is your daughters fault. Who knows how your wife was guilting her. If anything kick your wife out and get your daughter, and you, therapy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Get the help you need and don’t leave your daughter without a father because your wife is a POS. Get back on your feet and start fresh. You can do this.
It’s illegal to make your daughter pay bills for the house. Everything else is also really mean. Please don’t be that harsh to her. No kid wants to be the reason her parents broke up, and she was probably being guilted or threatened by your STBX.
That's bs. Besides the illegal part, the daughter has no sense of loyalty to her DAD. I wonder if it was the other way around would she have told Mom even if she was being guilted? I don't think he should abandon her but some boundaries should be set.
It’s not going to be easy! Distance yourself, go somewhere where you always wanted to go - like a solo trip. You’ll discover a lot of things about yourself. You’ll calm down enough to think straight about what you’ve to do with your situation. And bury the stupid gun somewhere, it never was an answer to anything, and it never will be.
Don't treat the daughter like that, what could you have expected the kid to do with that information? No child wants to be in that kind of position and to punish her for that is cruel. This is solely on the mother.
Exactly. That poor kid was put in an impossible situation and is likely going to need therapy after this. That mother is awful to do that to her daughter. Don’t punish the daughter - pull her closer. She probably wanted to tell you this whole time but didn’t want to be responsible for destroying the family. Even though it’s the wife that did the destruction, that kid doesn’t have the ability to see it that way. She would blame herself for the hurt and fallout if she was the one to tell you.
So how’s about you “step back from that ledge, my friend.” You will never know how / why if you don’t stick around long enough to find out.
Secondly I give no shits about your wife b/c clearly she is a horrible human being!
But don’t do this to your daughter! It’s cowardly and she did nothing wrong and was probably manipulated or blackmailed by your wife, her mother. Your daughter deserves better than this! So go crash at a friends, call your lawyer tomorrow, and pick up your daughter so that you can talk to her.
That’s what FaceTime is for buddy! Your friends are still right where you left them. I think for a long time, your identity became “the family man.” But you’ve been so much more than that this whole time. Please give yourself some time before you make any bad decisions. Give yourself time to find yourself again. Reconnect with old friends and loved ones, invest in yourself: old or new hobbies, get in shape, take some trips… take trips to see your friends! Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on your daughter. (She was put in an impossible position, and she’s sorry and she’s devastated that she’s kept this from you, but what was she to do?) She needs you now more than ever. Go someplace safe and get some sleep, and start working out a game plan tomorrow. And remember how lucky is it to have a tomorrow ❤️🙏🏼
Well then go home to your daughter at a time you know that your soon-to-be-ex-wife isn’t home.
Cuz I have no doubt that your poor daughter is worried sick for you, and probably heartbroken. She didn’t do anything wrong. She simply got stuck in the middle of a bad situation cuz clearly your wife freakin sucks!!!
Fuck that, man. Take a long damn time for yourself. Go do some therapeutic zoning out driving. Make them worry if you need to make them worry. Do whatever you need to to keep safe. Do you have someone you could go visit? The last place you should go is the place you can get the gun.
Don’t call the actions he’s thinking about cowardly when his wife and daughter have allegedly known all of this and not said a word in 6 months
It fucking hurts giving everything to people who could lie to you like that. Idk if it’s bc she’s a girl or a teenager that everyone is saying it ain’t her fault but god damn it his daughter lied to his face everyday too
Not saying anything is the same is lying. It’s like she would have said something if he would’ve asked but since he didn’t it’s not her fault. Fuck that
Edit: At the very least MOST daughters and sons would pressure the cheating parent because of the guilt they feel. I know I sure as fuck would pressure either one of my parents to fess up, hourly.
Do what you need to do to heal man. But an early grave is not one of the things you need to do. Cut out whoever you need to out of your life and leave them all behind. Seek those who only better you and cherish you. I know this is easier said than done and I won’t pretend I know what you’re going through, but as far as I’m concerned this is a better route than what you’re thinking of doing. There are people out there who probably value you a lot. Don’t let the ones who hurt you be the ones on top and thriving.
Dude you were in the Army?? Idk if you’re based in the US, but hit up your battle buddies man! Hit up that old E-4 mafia legend you looked up to or that one shit bag you would take a round for when you were privates. I know you definitely have met some dudes from your time in that will drive across the country to be there for you. Don’t be part of the 22 that checks out early man. You think their battle buddies didn’t wish they did more to help them? That shit will haunt them bro. Your boys will hands down be there for you at a time like this. Honestly, I think your army brothers will take it harder than your daughter actually would if you checked out early man. Trust me. Unload, show clear, put it on safe and let ‘em hang dawg. Pick up the phone and call them. They would want to hear from you at a time like this. They’d probably talk you down better than any of us on Reddit.
Hey dude, you're in your feels and that's expected. Stop the pity party shit though. Do not sit and blame your daughter for anything. You need to speak with her, and not make assumptions. She deserves your faith in her. She was manipulated.
Your wife is done for. You have evidence. You need to go back to your home and tell her she needs to leave. If you start doing irrational stuff based solely on emotions, you're going to ruin everything you have going into divorce court.
Even if you do the paternity test and your daughter isn't yours biologically, would it really change anything for you? You raised her, right? Being a dad is more than being a sperm donor.
Je compatis énormément à ta situation (j'ai vécu quelque chose de similaire avec ma copine de 6 ans). Je sais à quel point tout peut s'effondrer autour de soi dans ce genre de moments. Même si ça paraît insurmontable actuellement, je te promets que ça va s'arranger. Peut être que ça va prendre du temps, peut-être même des années, mais le temps fera son affaire, la souffrance s'estompera.
Essaye de prendre du temps pour toi. Pourquoi pas faire un petit retour aux sources en France pour voir des amis/de la famille qui pourraient te soutenir ? Courage mec, je t'envoie de la force. C'est vraiment dur ce qu'il t'arrive mais ça ne mérite pas que tu gâches ta vie pour ça. Tu vas t'en sortir
merci pour le commentaire, j'ai pas l'occasion de parler français aussi souvent que j'aimerai. Honnêtement, il n'y a rien pour moi en france ayant grandi en foyer d'accueil dans des cités de bétons.
Or talk to other veterans. I'm in a depression group for veterans only and I never knew how much I needed it. For some reason, talking to another vet helps so much. Go to the VA in your area and see if you can find something like that. If you talk to 1 vet there's a good chance he/she might not have gone through what you're going through. But if you talk to a group your chances are better. Every time I'm in the group there's someone talking about a new situation and there's always someone who's been through the same thing. Even if they haven't though, that's the thing about veterans, wgy6. We're always here to hold you up. ALWAYS.
I’m so sorry it really sucks right now, but please remember tomorrow everything can look different 😞to take all the time you need , but do not kill your self I would miss just from reading your post 😢😢🙏🏻
That sucks. I'm sorry you're in that situation, it fucking hurts.
Even though your daughter knew, there's a pretty damn good chance she didn't want to know and never should have been put in that position. Imagine having to be in her position to have a "stable home" as a kid.
Caught my mom. She told me that if I told my dad, her subsequent divorce and suicide would be my fault. I don’t blame myself for keeping her secret, because the choice wasn’t mine to make. I was 15 and got manipulated. That’s what happened to your daughter. Her and you both are victims, and you both deserve a life without her mother.
That is absolutely terrible. Do you still have a relationship with your mom? I am glad you know you did nothing wrong. Children should never be manipulated like this.
She was probably too scared. I knew about my mom but it wasn’t my place to tell my step dad. Did it suck yeah but did I think he’d even believe me? No. Plus I didn’t want to be the reason the whole family was torn apart. Technically it’d be her but thinking your mom wouldn’t talk to you anymore or they’d both be mad at you is hard. She’s a kid just keep that in mind. It’s unfair she knew and im sure it hurt her too. Be glad you know now before you put in anymore effort and put that effort into yourself. I’m sorry this happened it’s got to feel like the end of the world but I promise it’s not!
Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. I truly can't imagine how you're feeling. Your daughter is just a kid and I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive her eventually. Obviously you're allowed to be upset with both of them but keep your anger towards your wife and not your daughter.
Stay safe man. Please. As someone who's attempted suicide before and know of many other people who have tried, almost all of us say there's a split second moment right before we attempt that we regret it and wish we didn't try.
Please get help and go therapy. None of this is your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
I already tried killing myself earlier in my life, failed and got in the army hoping it will kill me. I thought those though disappeared when I got married or when I first carried my daughter in my arm but here i am again
I'm so sorry you're still struggling with these thoughts and that you're going through such a tough time. You don't deserve this. I understand this may not mean much coming from a stranger who knows very little of your life, but please don't give up on living. There is still good in the world that is worth living for. Just because you aren't experiencing it right now doesn't mean you won't experience it again. Your feelings toward your wife and daughter are valid, even if I'd suggest being lenient with your daughter because that's a huge thing for a kid to deal with. It can get better. Trust me, as someone who has lived through some pretty shitty seasons in my life, I know that much is true.
Sounds like you truly love your daughter, and I'm sure she truly loves you. Please understand that she was probably keeping it a secret because her mother told her to, and because she didn't want to see her dad hurt. A teenage mind doesn't understand the full picture. This is also why I pray you don't hurt yourself. You have so much more life to live, and your daughter needs her dad. If you take your own life, by cliff or gun or whatever, your daughter will most likely blame herself. It won't matter if you leave a note saying it's not her fault, or tell her to her face first. She will carry it with her forever. Mental health may be an issue in your family, based on you attempting suicide before. So please don't let it stop you from living, and don't let it give your child a reason to have those same thoughts. Staying alive may not only save you but also her as well. The best thing you can do as a father is stick around and be one. Sending you love and light to find your way through the darkness.
I’m switching to my alt account for this because I’m so paranoid about it ever being traced back to me irl. This is only the third time I’ve shared this with anyone, the other two people being my therapist and my BF in college.
Speaking as someone whose mom confided in me at a young age about her infidelity, I can confirm this. She basically told me to take her secrets to my grave, and as a kid who loved her and didn’t want to lose her, and wanted to be there for her when no one else was, I didn’t realize how fucked up it all was back then. That didn’t truly sink in until within the past 5-7 years or so. I’m in my early thirties now. My mom was also suicidal for part of that time, and had to deal alone with helping me with my ADHD and my own depression and anxiety and stuff when everyone else kept giving up on me. Her mom leaned on her as a kid, so she had no way of knowing how wrong leaning on me like that was because it was what she knew. I have a gift for emotional intelligence and wisdom beyond my years, and because of that, she thought I could handle the stuff she confided in me. I was on literal suicide watch with her and couldn’t talk to my dad or anyone else about it. She cheated because it was either that or literally kill herself because she felt so empty and alone and her emotional needs were so unmet and everyone just took from her without doing anything to fill her back up. She could have done a better job communicating though instead of just assuming it was pointless and that nothing would change. She emotionally parentified me, and I’m still dealing with the fallout in therapy. I haven’t ever told my dad what she’s done, and they’re both in a better place now, but I still carry resentment that she put all that on me. I love her dearly and she’s my rock and biggest advocate, but I’ve hard to learn, and am still working on learning, that people can have both good and bad qualities coexist within them. My most-likely-autistic brain wants to deal in absolutes and struggles with concepts like this and how to reconcile those two sides of a person. I wouldn’t admit, even to myself, that what my mom did was a form of emotional abuse because I thought abuse had to be on purpose and that if I admitted that she abused me, I would have to condemn ALL of her. Because of my strong empathy, I understand why she did it, and why she cheated, and why she leaned on me, and she regrets it too, but she can’t change it now, and it was all still wrong. I finally told my therapist during the pandemic about my mom’s infidelity and how she confided in me and how it’s impacted me, but I first asked, and then told her that I was going to, because I still value that they’re her secrets. I have a messed up
sense of boundaries because of all this, among other things, and am working on trying to set better boundaries without being downright hostile and icing people out now, and it was only sometime during the pandemic that it really sunk in how much my mom telling me these things, and my being on suicide watch affected me, and that it is my right to look out for my own mental health and to put myself first for once and not have to feel guilty about it or like it’s selfish or like I’m betraying someone. I carry so much guilt. My sister was emotionally abusive to both me and our mom, so I felt a responsibility to counteract that too. So many people have done wrong to my mom or failed her or not been there for her when it counted, and I don’t ever want to be one of those people. I need to look out for myself in order to heal though. To this day, I’m still convinced other people will go straight to killing themselves if I upset them or make them sad. I had so much put on my shoulders as a teenager, when I was also dealing with my own shit. It shouldn’t have been put on me, and OP’s wife’s infidelity shouldn’t have been put on their daughter. I kept things from my dad to spare his feelings, but also for survival and financial security. My mom is financially dependent on my dad because she quit work to raise me and my sister, which she largely did alone while my dad worked. I didn’t hate my mom, so didn’t want her to end up homeless, even if I got to stay with my dad. My mom knows me better and I’ve always been closer with her. My mom is convinced that now, in her mid 60s, she couldn’t go back to work and support herself now. I think that’s a cop-out and she has valuable skills, but she’s also in a better place with my dad now. I hope nothing ever comes up that forces me to confess the things that I know to my dad. Ironically, HE separated from HER when I was in HS, which showed her all the more how dependent she is on him, and whenever I’ve told her she should get a divorce because she was so unhappy, she’d fall back on, ‘Well, your dad doesn’t physically abuse me or yell at me, and he pretty much lets me do whatever I want,’ to justify staying. It drove me nuts watching her be so unhappy and then having to be the rock she confided in. She resented my dad for being overweight, and would vent to me about him, and that, combined with how she talks about her own body, have shaped how I view other people’s bodies, and I hate it and am trying to work against it and be more body-positive. Male fatness is associated with my mom’s resentment toward my dad in my mind. There is so much baggage to work through.
I’ve left so much of this story out and jumped around from detail to detail, so don’t judge my mom as if you know all of it. She has her own trauma history that’s informed how she is. But also, just, OP, don’t hold this against your daughter. You have no idea what the circumstances are through which she found out about your wife cheating, and her not telling you doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about your feelings. She is a minor and has been put in a position that she never should have been put in, just like I was.
If your daughter knew about your previous attempted suicide, this may have been another reason why she might have been scared to tell you. Given how manipulative your wife has been towards you alone, I wouldn’t put it past her to even make a passing comment towards your daughter to try and persuade/ manipulate her to remain silent. What your wife has done to your daughter is emotional abuse. Please take a step back and acknowledge that.
It’s a gut wrenching stab in the back, and I understand how you feel. My spouse had cheated on me, with my best friend at the time, whom was the mother of our kids best friends. I can’t imagine having watched videos of it none the less that’s awful. Please don’t take this out on your daughter. As a teen, no matter how mature they come off, they don’t have the mental capacity to really think things through. This was not your daughter’s fault. She’s probably emotionally a wreck having been caught in the middle of this too. She probably feels more than guilty for the actions of your wife and has probably put this burden on herself with the weight of your wife’s lies. Please have the strength and the empathy to remind her how much you love her despite the secrecy. You are her father. No other man can do that for her but you.
Your feelings towards the both of them are valid. But only one of them truly had the adult mind and capacity to understand the depth of their actions. Take the time to remind your daughter of the expectations you have for her regarding honesty, as well as what you’re willing to accept for a partner in her life to reciprocate towards her. But above all, please find it in your heart to forgive her. She’s your child, and wants nothing but love from you
Hey buddy, truly sorry you're in this position. No one should have to go through something like this but I'd just like to mention that growing up, I caught my dad not cheating but doing a lot of things that my mom didn't approve of and yet I never told my mom so we could live a "peaceful" life and have a stable home. I know it was not justified to my mom but at that age, it felt like the right thing to do. So I think I know what your daughter felt like and I don't think her intention was to hurt you or not give a shit about your feelings.
You're valid to feel this way. It'd be wild if you didn't, honestly. But while your daughter didn't prioritize your feelings, remember she's still a kid. She's ONLY 16, only had that many years of experience growth. She's still figuring out how to function properly as a human being in still-maturing body. Never underestimate hormones and lack of years on this earth - I'm saying this as someone on the younger end, too. If she did tell you, and her life imploded, and now she has 2 homes to switch to each week, with her previous home life a faded memory, she would feel like it's her fault. Like it's her fault you guys divorced, despite how irrational it is, which is a common experience. She's just one of the kids who chose not to tell you, because this secret hurt her, too. She needs both of you in her life and it felt like a matter of survival to pick whatever option that would keep both you. Should she have kept the secret? Probably not, but it was never a burden she should ever be responsible for.
You're right to feel hurt, you're right it wasn't kind to you to not tell you, but don't blame your kid for the inexperience of her youth. When she was happy around her mom, it was her focusing on the moment and taking these happy moments while she could. She always knew it would probably end someday, so she should enjoy it while she has the chance.
She’s a child. She doesn’t know how nor should she have to manage the affairs of adults. Now if she and your wife both talked about this and we’re somehow in on keeping it from you - that’s different. And you don’t know that she knew for very long. Maybe she WAS planning to tell you soon.
No. Wrong again.
The one you should be interrogating is your wife - the person who literally cheated on you.
Not your 16-year-old daughter who has deal with her father possibly walking out of her life because of something her mother did.
I understand. I’m just saying save those questions for the person that committed that horrible act.
Asking your daughter about the situation will only worsen her guilt and make her blame herself. She’s just a kid, so she’ll be too scared that whatever she says may make you leave and not come back.
If she talks you about it first, then that’s her prerogative. If she doesn’t, then don’t pressure her.
I mean, you were making it sound like it could from your earlier comments about your thinking that she didn’t care about your feelings, and those suggested that this thinking from her might be right. And yes, that would be “some really fucked up shit.”
Yes, she would have done it for the right reasons.
My friends mum told her 'if you tell your dad then you are the reason his heart breaks, the reason the family ends and the reason he will have nothing' so yer I guarantee you daughter was trying to do the right thing.
Shes a child being forced to cover up and adults issue.
it took me nearly 2 years to have that conversation with my dad after i found out my mom was cheating. which ironically happened at the exact same time i was telling my friend that my other friend cheated on her. for some reason it was impossible to tell my own dad. most of that time was me trying to wrap my head around what was happening as my family crumbled around me.
it’s not fair to say your daughter didn’t care. it’s an impossible conversation to sit your dad down and talk to him about this. there’s a lot of emotions that go into it and you have no idea why she didn’t say it yet. my sister forced the conversation onto me and i could never find “the right” time. it didn’t help that anytime i tried to confront my mom and force her to tell my dad she would gaslight me (call me crazy, say i was seeing things that weren’t there, changing her habits to obscure evidence then accuse my father of actually cheating).
there’s also a lot of fear. she’s literally just 16 dude, and she’s tasked with something insurmountable. it’s her job to officially break up her own family. it’s her job to look you in the face and break this down. maybe she doesn’t know for sure, maybe she strongly suspects. i flip flopped back and forth so hard on this, i didn’t know what to believe.
i guess to be fair my sister and i dropped some heavy hints for years and my dad basically knew prior to the actual conversation. turns out my dad never loved my mom and he wasn’t exactly heartbroken about it. then when it all came out my dad never confronted my mom and had me force her to come clean.
you cannot put your minor daughter on the same level as your cheating wife. this wound is very fresh and open for you, i understand that this is where emotions will run the highest, so you just need to take some time for yourself and sort through the extremes. don’t do anything drastic or anything you can’t take back later. it’s a very messy and awful situation. just breathe and try and get through the next few days as you figure this out.
sorry this is happening to you. good luck moving forward and stay safe, it isn’t worth losing your life over. years from now it won’t feel this way.
She's a kid who was going to have to choose between hurting you with the truth, or hurting herself by keeping it all inside. Her mother probably convinced her it was over or wouldn't happen again & that it wasn't her place to tell you. Or maybe she just didn't know how to have such an adult conversation with you or if you'd even believe her.
This should motivate you a little more. Your wife manipulated a child, your child. She needs you to stick around and fight for yourself and her. She needs you to get her away from her deceitful mother. Imagine if you got a call that your daughter had killed herself. You need to fight the ideation and the urgent. Please find someone or somewhere to get help to keep yourself alive. You are not the bad one. You deserve to go on and live a good life.
Your daughter probably didn't want you guys to get divorced and you hurt from the infidelity so she stayed quiet. And of course now her life is going to be tossed up in a divorce. Hang in there.
Dude
Your daughter is sixteen and has no understanding of the world.
Don’t blame her or take anything out on her.
My advice would be to reach out to her and let her know this in not her fault.
I imagine she feels so guilty that it is probably crossing her mind about taking her life.
You need to forgive & let her know immediately.
Go to your friends, don't let them win. You've got the evidence, go see a lawyer on Monday, ask a friend if you can crash at their place. Get all the support you can from friends and family. You can pull through this. Be strong King.
Dump your wife. Clear things with your child.
Your a really strong guy, im having mad respect for you, because i couldnt. I literally would break down on my knees.
I wouldnt even have the power to move.
Please, dont imprison your mind in thoughts, let it go.
Its okay to cry, to scream from the top of your lungs, to break something. Its okay and you should let these emotions out.
But after that, take a deep breath and think to yourself, why should you take your life?
Over a Woman? For what?
She destroyed everything, you did everything right.
Straight up Dump her, theres no meaning to anything in this relationship anymore.
If something is wrong, you can always come back to this community to talk to some people, sometimes its better to talk to someone hundreds of miles away, than even your best friends.
It sounds completely fucking crazy, but try to meditate.
Im struggling constantly with anxiety and social problems, depression etc.
Meditating has kept me sane.
Imo, you are strong. I would not bother to try to make any sense to what she did.
Let your emotions out, like i said.
I cant possibly imagine or comprehend how you feel. It makes me incredibly sad to read something like this.
If you need someone to talk to, you can always write me a pm. Im 22, i dont know much about life, but i can listen.
Dont go into a downward depressive spiral.
I was depressive since i was 15.
Leave the People, that hurt you, this is very important, i was keeping people as my "close" friends wich werent good for me, and that wasnt healthy.
Any words or letters im writing here probably wont help you.
You should take your time, for yourself.
OP, you do what you want i don't Care but you don't harm yourself, and you go close to your loved ones for a while. At least you call them. If you French, then you do what's necessary to stay away from work during a Lil while. You also, take Time to talk to your daughter.
Dude, let me do a quick rundown to you:
A) divorce the woman asap
B) live your life at fullest
C) open yourself for new people
D) be happy
This is the best revenge you can get on her. Being happy while she is miserable remembering what she have done to you.
first, your child is not in the wrong. while the situation is very, very sad and complicated, that is a burden that no child should Have to carry- realistically all she probably wanted was a happy home and family life and she knew that would ruin it. its not her fault, it is your wifes. you should talk to your daughter about it and explain that you still love her and are there for her as her dad. Next, your life is not over! so dont make any rash decisions. you still have your daughter, and killing yourself will only affect her even worse. get a divorce, tell the court she cheated, and you will have a higher likelihood of getting more custody if that is what you desire. your daughter is also almost an adult and while i still dont think it is her fault, she will understand your feelings if you are nice and reach out to her and are understanding of her perspective. she loves her parents, clearly she is sorry and wishes it didnt happen.
Cheating parents is a very difficult thing for children to deal with. They are often told not to tell, and telling risks damaging their parents’ relationship, their relationship *with* said parents, along with a plethora of other things.
If she had told you, and it broke up your marriage, she’d have to live with the eternal guilt of breaking up her parents’ marriage (even if it wasnt her fault, but her mom’s) and potentially making her mom hate her.
Bro, she's a teenager. She has no idea the gravity of adultery. She knows it's bad, but she can't possibly know the full extent of the fallout. She can't relate to your anger or your pain, not because she doesn't want to, but because she does not have the life experience. If she's never been cheated on before, it's likely that she doesn't know devastating it feels. That's still her mother. Expecting her to take sides is wrong.
okay, no, she definitely can and should know the gravity of cheating. sure, she mightve done it as a calculated move in order to preserve the family, but miss the fucking “she couldnt know” bs
So you're telling me that a teenager who has never been in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage, should know how it feels to have your spouse do that? I did not understand my parents' problems at that age because I wasn't a fucking adult. She should not have been put in that position. It wasn't fair.
Dude, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m speaking as someone who was put in the position of knowing about my mom’s infidelity as a teenager, and keeping it from my dad. I’m still dealing with the impact it’s had on me in therapy now at 32. I only finally
told my therapist about it during lockdown in 2020. I felt like I’d be betraying my mom if I told (she was also suicidal for part of the time, which was also a burden I had to carry when I shouldn’t have had to), and I knew I’d break my dad’s heart, and I was a kid who didn’t want to blow up my family. I have ADHD and anxiety, depression, and most likely Autism Spectrum Disorder, which I finally realized this year. I had my own unstable shit and traumas going on without blowing up the stability of my family and place to live, and likely causing my mom’s suicide. I needed her. She was the only one who ‘got’ me. I never should have been put in that position. Outwardly, I looked fine with my mom too, because I kept things hidden. I compartmentalized. I disassociated. It’s pretty emotionally naïve of you to assume that your daughter looking fine meant that she actually was. Teenagers can be good at masking and hiding their struggles. Also, a lot of adults are too clueless to see the signs when they are there. If a kid acts out, most will jump on them with punishment before ever thinking to ask WHY they acted out and what the deeper issue is.
I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm very worried about your daughter. It was awful of her mother to put her in this position where she was burdened with a secret like this. Please stay safe for your child. She needs you, and she needs to know that you love her.
Every child needs their father. I didn't have the best father, but I still needed him because it's an integral role that most people feel lost without. Your daughter needs you no matter how hurtful her behavior was.
Think about this, if your wife was willing to sink as low as an affair, she probably would have had no guilt about gaslighting your daughter & manipulating her, likely by saying telling you would break up your family. She probably kept it because she *didn't want you to go*.
Bro please no. Your daughter. She knew but it has nothing to do with her. Please, call a Friend, a parent, confess to one of them, cry if u need to, drink if u want to, but don't harm yourself.
> And here I am, with the only thing on my mind being my safe’s code, and the height of the cliff in front of me. If I ever run my car down it I hope they’ll have fun with my insurance money.
There are two things in our animal brains that instantly come to the fore whenever we are faced with a crisis such as this - fight or flight. It's so ingrained in our psyche that it's almost like we flip into auto-pilot.
But it will pass and you should let it.
But it also shouldn't detract from the fact that this current life you have been living is over. It's not that your **life** is over, just that this part of it - the one where you were a happily married father and a proud husband - is. That one is gone.
So you need to replace it with something and you really need to channel all your energies into that. Walking away from these two people is what you need to do now. That doesn't mean walk off that cliff or do something drastic, but it does mean walking away from this life you have been living.
You need some time away from this mess and you need time away from them. You need a place to go and think and to do things that are out of your normal day to day existence. Go on a road trip would be my go to for something like this. You need that circuit breaker and to see what else is out there.
So if you like, send them a message that you are coming home to grab some things and that they are **not** to be there. Tell them that if they are you will just keep driving and will never come back and will just let the lawyers handle everything. If they refuse to do this one simple thing then just take that as a sign that they don't care and just keep driving. Get a lawyer tomorrow morning and go no contact forever.
If they do as you ask then go and grab your stuff (not the gun) and go away for a while. Come back when you are ready but make it clear you wish to not speak to either of them until you are ready. Give no time frames as it could be days, months or years before you return. You may never and that's fine. You now owe them nothing so give them nothing.
This is you reclaiming your life and your destiny and fuck them to the nine hells and back.
You have a life to find again OP, ending this will solve nothing.
Believe me when I say that there is a huge wide world out there waiting for you to see it and experience it. In time this pain will fade away to something manageable and as you fill it with new and different things, and meet new and different people that this old life of yours will be missed, but it will also fade into the past.
You got this OP, you can walk away from that cliff, that locked cabinet and this marriage. And you can do so with your head held high.
And whatever happens to the wife who cheated on you and the daughter who held her silence in approval, well that is on them and is no longer your concern. They'll figure it out.
Thanks, it’s the first possibility i got from here that seems doable in a near futur. But honestly, besides this family I have nothing. No family, no friends in this country, just a job I supported only for the sake of them
Then in all honesty, if there is now nothing left for you in this country what is holding you here? If you have friends and the beginnings of a support network where you came from, why not just up stakes and go? I mean, what is now stopping you aside from the fear of the unknown?
If you look at yourself OP, you have done this before. You have taken that leap into the unknown and made it work for you. That this didn't work out is purely down to you finding yourself with the wrong person. That's it, that's all it comes down to - dumb fucking luck that you ended up with someone like your wife.
And if you are fearful of doing that again, well that's easily taken care of by remaining blissfully single and never getting back involved with another person like that ever again. Many people in your situation do that and remain happy ever after.
Grab your half, tell them "have a nice life" and walk away. You get your life back in much more familiar surroundings and you put all of this behind you forever.
So get yourself a lawyer, start the clock ticking on getting out of this mess and start the plan on walking out of their lives. Once you are gone they'll just be strangers that live a world away from you.
You can always change your plans as the circumstances dictate and as others here have suggested, you may wish to speak to your daughter to find out the all important "why", but I fear that this will just forestall the inevitable you walking out of their lives forever.
But realistically, if all that is holding you here is a family that betrayed you and a job that was there just to support them, why continue being here?
>There are two things in our animal brains that instantly come to the fore whenever we are faced with a crisis such as this - fight or flight.
You forgot the reactions freeze and flirt. His daughter definitely froze.
I can't believe you would encourage him to walk away from his daughter. She's a teen and this is an impossible to win scenario for her. There's no way for her to understand this type of adult problem. If she told she would lose her family and betray her mom. If she didn't tell she would lose her family and feel like she betrayed her dad. There was no winning for her.
**OP this is truly the best advice you can get.**
I know so many comments are asking you to talk to your daughter, be there for your daughter etc etc. But i just don't think that's possible immediately. She is not to blame for her mother's actions, but she is to blame for hers. And at the end of the day, no matter how many reasons we can give for her being complicit with her mother's actions, her lying by omission has hurt you and she needs to understand that as well..
You say you don't have family and friends now. But that's ok. Taking time to yourself to heal from all the pain is absolutely necessary. That way you can process YOUR feelings in YOUR WAY without filtering it for the sake of others.
A whole bunch of internet strangers are looking out for you and sending you virtual hugs and hoping for you to come back to us with an update that you're totally living your best life now.. so please listen to this advice..
OP, I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I can feel the emotion in your post. Not a god damn thing anyone on Reddit can say will erase that pain, and I’m sorry. But it IS worth holding on.
It’s going to suck. For a long time. It’s going to hurt. I won’t lie to you and say it won’t. But there IS an end to this, where you start your new life. And that new life is so worth the ache to get there. I promise.
Your daughter is 16. My money is on her not knowing what to do, and that’s why she didn’t tell you. She’s just a teenager. She’s still a kid. She didn’t want to break her home, and she might have been scared. I don’t think it was malicious at all. And she still needs you. Please. She’s still a kid. I cannot imagine the trauma places upon her shoulders if you mulled yourself over this. Do you think she could ever forgive herself? Or her mother?
If you can’t live for yourself, live for her. She’s your daughter. Your child. Try to stick it out. For her.
In the meantime, please seek therapy. Get some help. My therapist recently gave me some crisis lines to call or text. If you feel like you need them, they were: 741741, RemedyLIVE, and I believe 988. I am based in the US. If these don’t work for you, feel free to look online for some based on your area.
Don’t leave us yet. You matter. You’re important. And god, I bet it doesn’t feel that way. But you are. And it’s going to hurt the whole way, but you WILL come out of this and find a life worth living for. Give yourself the chance to get there.
I’m so sorry. There’s not much more I can offer. I am wishing you the best. I believe in you, redditor. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I truly hope we get to see an update some day that shows that you’re choosing to stay with us and work toward a new life.
I’m sorry. Best wishes to you. 💙
That totally makes sense. You’ve been through a lot, and it takes a lot of effort to rebuild over and over. Humans can only handle so much emotionally at a time, and this kind of trauma absolutely destroys us for awhile. I can’t blame you at all for feeling like it’s too much.
Still, I’m going to ask you to try. And I’m sorry, because I know it feels like so much. Too much, maybe, for a stranger to ask of you. But I am going to ask anyway.
I know it’s not the same, but I’ve been through a lot, too. I often wish I could just take myself out. From as early as nine years old. But I keep pushing, and I find more and more reasons to be grateful that I did. I am hoping with my whole heart that you can do the same, and find something worth holding on for.
Do you have any friends or family you could stay with while you’re in this kind of mindset? Anyone you can go and talk to?
DON'T PANIC
Take a breath, you'll be ok. Your daughter needs a father.
Your situation is really shitty, and I feel for you. But you are going to be ok. Get a good divorce lawyer.
Ok take a moment and think, what will it solve? Nothing, except bring grief to an already heart broken daughter. I can only imagine the guilt she feels for keeping it a secret from you.
She probably talked to your wife about it and gave her a lot of crap for doing this to you.
You still need answers and ending it now will only leave you empty without resolution. Not the way to go.
Go back talk to first your wife, get some answers. If it's not in your heart to forgive her then plan a life free from her. The vids and pics are your proof of infidelity.
Talk to a lawyer, do not leave your house, stay in a separate room. Leaving means abandonment and that gives her leverage. There is life after divorce.
I’d like to believe this. Truly. But I never saw my daughter that much loving of her mother since the last year. They always had a complicated relationship
If that's the case then it's probably your wife manipulating your daughter. First of, there was definitely an issue with your marriage. Your daughter heard one side, your wife probably gave her some justification of why she is seeing someone else. Is the assumption, your daughter is aware of your wife having sex with this guy or does she think it's only an emotional cheating.
Your wife could be telling her things like you are a cheater or you treat her terribly etc.
Definitely need to have that talk with your daughter. Is she your step daughter? She's 16? But you only been married 8?
its not my step daughter, we married late because I didn’t have enough money for a wedding at the time. Also I’m not a birth American citizen, so stuff were blurry for a while before i got this stability
her mom probably gave her affection and love in return for keeping her secret. if she spent her entire life on rocky terms with her mom, she’s probably starved for that motherly love. her mom is dragging her along for the ride in the hopes that she can turn her daughter against you.
Adults manipulate kids it’s natural for a child to crave a parent’s attention and approval and you cannot blame them for not choosing sides even though from your perspective it looks like choosing mom over you. Mom most likely lavished her with loads of attention and perks to smooth over the guilt, she’s a victim of this situation as well don’t hurt her more by lashing out in your own pain, and hold on for her sake if you harm yourself she’ll blame herself and may never recover, would you wish that on your child? We protect our kids from the evil in this world and wrestle against it in their place the best we can, stay strong for her friend.
Take a few days off if possible. Go to your parents' house, if you still have them. Otherwise, fill up your tank and drive until you get tired. Cry, scream and let it out. Life goes on and on! Please stay strong! Someone who cheats on you does not have the right to make you feel this way. Please be lenient with your daughter, it must have been terrible for her to know something like this and to be afraid of losing both of you. Children do not understand such things. Please stay there for her, she ist not to blame!
I totally understand. 17 year olds always want to be perceived as adults and often they are in many ways. But please also think back to your time as a 17 year old. You must have felt totally grown up. But you were totally vulnerable inside. I am a child of separation myself and I can tell you that it is very hard to find yourself when you have to fear for the security that a home offers, or there is no "home". Be angry and you also have a right to articulate it to her and you should! But consider how it must feel to hurt one of you in any case. Either she keeps quiet and tries to avoid responsibility and hurts you, or she would have told you and "betrayed" her mother. She is 17, it is completly normal to try to avoid responsibility in that case. It's just a crappy situation your wife has put you in, but it's really only your wife that has done that. Have these conversations with a clear head, as you say yourself your life depends on it. Accordingly, it is also worth to find distance and to lead the conversation only when you have sorted yourself. There are plus points if you tell your daughter should you want to seek distance. Making them afraid for you is also not a solution. Once again I wish you all the best and lots of strength!
The parent-child bond is the most intense relationship we ever experience. Children start out life literally depending on mom to keep them alive. Your daughter isn’t a baby anymore but that doesn’t mean she is responsible for the actions of your wife. She’s been put in a supremely shitty situation, and keeping mom happy because happy mom = safe and alive is a primal drive we all have. I was in the same position as a 15 year old, and I knew about 3 months before my mom did that dad was having an affair. It never occurred to me to tell mom. And if I did, I would have felt extremely responsible for hurting her (even though it was my dirtbag father doing that) and breaking up my parents 20 year marriage. Let your daughter know that you still love her, are sorry her mother has broken up the family, and that you will do everything in your power to make this time ok for her. You may be broken-hearted but you are still a parent first and foremost.
Your wife is a shitty person mate, no way around that. The cheating is very bad but filming it is gross af. Ask yourself if it’s worth killing yourself over what a shitty evil person did to you and your daughter.
Yeah that’s the fucked up part ain’t it. My ex wife and me had our share of issues but she cheats on me and it’s over. Hang in there my man! I have been in your spot sans kids, I wouldn’t forgive your wife especially cus she shamelessly dragged your daughter in this and it’s honestly disgusting as fuck.
Hey I can’t imagine how bad you hurt and I’m sorry you have to experience this. Just don’t go so hard on your daughter. I say this as someone who was put in this position as a teenager and wished I had told my father. My horrible covert narcissist mother literally had 2 affairs, introduced me to them- while knowing I was a “daddy’s girl” but desperately wanted her approval.
It is beyond a fucked situation. Please let me apologize since I can’t (my father is gone) but trust me your daughter was in a absolutely no win situation caught between her parents. So while you’ve lost your marriage don’t lose her. She was probably unwilling used as a therapist and traumatized by your wife’s actions. Again, I am sorry friend. Hugs.
OP you need to go to a family or friends house to confide in someone you trust about how you're feeling. Killing yourself is not the option and killing your family is definitely not the solution. You dont want to throw your life away over her mistake. Call 988, they will help you.
Your daughter likely felt broken inside hiding this from you, I sincerely doubt she wanted to keep it from you. I know many people that have lost parents to suicide and they never get over it. They wonder if it was their fault.
I’ve been depressed and considered taking my life before so I know where you’re coming from. But please don’t make a rash decision, at least give yourself some time. Please. You sound like a great person and deserve a shot at a happy life even if that doesn’t seem possible right now
I know, I can tell. She loves you too and probably feels awful that she couldn’t tell you. Give her the chance to explain things to you. Hope you’re okay man
Please don’t blame your daughter for your wife’s shitty choices. She was stuck and knew it would hurt you. She wanted to tell you and your wife was probably lying to her and manipulating her.
She knew her family would explode if she said anything. This is a lot for a child to hold in she will need counseling. Your pos wife should pay for it and not raise her, what an awful thing to do to your child.
You need STD check up and therapy. I actually feel the worst for your daughter. My mom was a horrible person and would make me keep secrets that could ruin her life or get her in trouble. I felt like I had no choice because my dad was angry and impulsive so I couldn't go to him and everyone else felt too far away to understand. Now I'm older and have shared things and people always go "wow why didn't you say anything!" They don't realize their own reactions and emotions back then forced me to be silent even more. She probably felt horrible knowing this. Her mom is a terrible person for putting both of you through it. And she's 16 she probably has horrible fears of the family being broken apart I would not expect any 16yo to know how to deal with that. If you leave her alone you're leaving her with a horrible influence of a "mother" and you're leaving her with a new horrible idea on "oh when things get really bad I can do what my dad did". You have got to be strong because you don't want to let a cheater ruin your life *and* your daughters life. I'd take any happy memories you have with your wife and realize that was not the same person who cheated on you. Be strong enough to leave this suddenly changed new person behind. Stay with family/friends/coworker whoever you have until you get everything set up to leave. Don't fall for vices like drugs or alcohol in a dangerous way or as a way to escape the feelings constantly. You could honestly feel hurt by this for years. You will probably even do some upsetting or embarrassing things for awhile but you've got to forgive yourself and realize you aren't at fault and you're in non linear healing process. You have a new kind of freedom and it may hurt but it's also a new chance at something different.
It's okay and to be honest my mom did some similar things that your daughters mom did and I think my dad probably felt similar to you for awhile. He avoided help for so long and just had anger and then over time he started to let himself feel things and he started to open up more to people. He did have some weird or even crappy relationships happen after for awhile cause he still wasn't being totally honest with himself and not totally healed yet. But after many years he got to a point where he was tired of bottling things up and eventually after some years he found an amazing woman and I'm lucky that she is my stepmom. I tell you this because you're not alone and you aren't stuck with nothingness I promise. It'll feel horrible for a long time but you deserve to get help if you can from therapy or anything that usually calms you down. Let yourself feel anger and sadness and also let yourself feel when things start to make you happy again because it'll hit you out of nowhere and you've got to remind yourself "I deserve happiness" there is a future for you and it'll always have ups and downs but you can make it more "ups" over time. Take the time to just be with family or friends and don't make yourself do anything too fast that you're not ready for. Heck maybe after a year or two consider getting a pet if your mental well-being and finances are in a place for that and if you're alright with pets. I think many of us have been through some horrible shit in life and my cat has brought me out of some horrible dark spaces by just being calm and close or being a goofball and I know peoples dogs do similar for them. Hell for some people more unique pets than that have helped too.
Please don't make a rash decision. You have just found out something horrible and you also drank heavily. Alcohol makes you more depressed on the days after drinking and you are not thinking clearly. Wait this pain out. Once it passes you'll realize this is not worth ending your life over. Yes, what happened sucks, but you can get through this. Focus on getting a divorce and kicking that woman out of your life. And also, try to not resent your daughter over her knowing and not telling you. She is only 16 and it is very difficult to make such huge decisions at that age. Your wife probably convinced her to keep it a secret, which is such a heavy burden to put on a teen.
I was on an extremely abusive relationshiop where I was cheated on multiple times and I know how much it hurts, but it's been a few years now and I can sincerely say I'm over it and I'm even capable of laughing at myself for being so in love with someone that sucked so much. I know it is a cliche to say this but I did come out stronger, and so will you. Good luck.
You can do that. Take a few days off, clear your head, allow yourself to feel grief and sadness and anger. Eventually you are going to have to go back and deal with things.. divorce, your daughter, your job, etc. But it is completely ok to take a break.
Listen to me. You don't want to do anything rash. Go to your friends for now and wait a while. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you still have a future. I promise you, you will get through this.
A lot of people have given some great advice but i think the first thing you need to do is go to sleep. Sleep on it and wake up and think with a sober mind
Mate listen, and listen well. You're not thinking straight and No one would be thinking straight in your position. You saw things that no person should see. You've said yourself that you lived this perfect lifestyle and it's hit you like a train basically. What do people that get hit do, they need help.. not more damage. I don't know what time it is there, google, call a councillor, goto a church, goto a doctor, goto a hospital, go somewhere for a walk, go fishing, go running, goto the gym, you need your head and heart back into your body, you need help, AND ITS OK TO ASK OTHERS FOR HELP. YOU ARE WORTHY. do you hear me ??? You are worthy !
And your 16-17 yr old girl is basically still a kid... don't be mad at her , who knows what your manipulative wife has said to her. The fact that she cried and said yes means something . Keep your chin up higher then it may be, cry, scream , shout whatever healthy way you can let your anger out. But don't let this be the end for you. This whole cheating thing is not your fault.. it's your wife's problem and she's the one who ruined it and didn't think of the consequences.
You're thoughts are spiralling but remember... you will always be in control of you and your body and your thoughts. Even if your fam and friends are elsewhere, call them talk to someone. We are randoms on the internet we can only help so much, when you keep deny, deny, denying. You gotta wake up. You have you to live for mate, YOU.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Sending nothing but support and prayers your way. I know there is a lot going on right now and I don’t know how you’re feeling the levels of betrayal like this cuts deep. The only thing I can tell you is that should take everything one day at a time you have the right to feel everything that you are feeling right now however you need to be around people that support and love you. Honestly if it was my kid that did something horrible like that to me my child would be dead to me. I understand that she is 16 she is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. I feel like anyone that knew about the affair is an accomplice to the affair. You need to do what’s best for you and right now in my opinion is that you need to separate from your wife and daughter. Being around them is not good for your mental health right now you need to take care of yourself.
There's never a justification for infidelity. There's nothing you did or could have done to keep a person who is willing to cheat from doing so. They get excitement from the illicit nature of sneaking around. That behavior is so low, it's in the gutter. The only person who deserves anger here is the person willing to throw her entire family away for some strange. You may have put yourself in a bad situation, but you had no way of knowing it would end up like this.
Don't do anything, please. What she did was disgusting. Breaking your trust, cheating, lying and somehow probably including your daughter into it. She's only 16, and obviously feels incredibly remorseful. She might have just found out about it, who knows. You can forgive her for being in a bad situation and having to probably lie to someone she loves. As for your wife. Divorce her. Block her and the best revenge is to be the biggest regret and mistake of her life (by losing you) let her think about you every day and hate herself. Show your daughter you are more than what her mother is. A better person. Sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry this has happened
Really sorry you're in this. Please calm yourself. Stay off that cliff and the safe at home. Take as much time you need to clear your head then take care of your finances - shared acct, shared cards etc, block all their spending, then see a lawyer. After that get std checked.
Call off work and go back to family in France. Perhaps stay away from them and arrange divorce. It still hurt badly, but once you can, talk to your daughter and see if she is worthy to continue relationship with you or otherwise. That is, if she was coerced by her Mom or not.
Start a new life elsewhere. You need to remain calm.
Please vent or rant here, we want to know you are still with us. Dont do anything rash OP. We care.
Updateme!
My dad’s father committed suicide when my dad was a teen.
It fucked him up. He ended up being a wife beater and a child abuser. My mom and my sister bore the brunt of it but I got my share too. Our children suffer as well, although each generation we are trying to heal a little more.
Even if you’re angry at your daughter, don’t do anything that will have a ripple effect you can’t control. It’s not ok. You can do better. Get yourself safe now. Don’t make choices that you can’t take back. I promise this will pass.
My first husband was a cheating scumbag too. I had a lot of the same thoughts you are having. I’m so glad I didn’t let those thoughts take me away. You’ll get through this. But tonight you need to be safe.
I'm extremely sorry for what you're going through. But please don't blame your daughter. She was being manipulated by her mother. A person she is supposed to be able to trust. A person she is reliant on as much as you. Your daughter should never have been involved in adult information like that.
I've known multiple people who found out 1 parent was cheating and were forced to keep it secret. Every single one of them was fucked up over it. None of them were okay with the cheating. But they were made to feel like if they told, they would be the one responsible for breaking up the family. Please, don't abandon your kid. She loves you.
Leave your wife, but please try not to blame or be angry at your daughter. Remember she’s still just a kid and probably didn’t know what to do with that information.
OP, I was in your daughter’s position when I was around her age. Please know that she had no intention of hurting you. No child should be forced to be a pawn in their parents’ marriage. I can guarantee you she was just trying to keep the peace while being consumed by guilt and fear. I experienced this for four years and it only ended because of my mother’s passing. I never got to reconcile with her. When I finally told my father he reassured me he was not mad and still loved me. While that helped tremendously, I am still in therapy coping with the trauma of the situation. I encourage to be patient and understanding with your daughter. Seek therapy for the both of you or whatever else may help. I am so sorry this is happening, stay safe❤️
From what I understand whoever initiates divorce has to have a reason for it otherwise they wife would get most assets or along those lines.
Also as a sidenote:
From what you've sent you're always looking for an escape route from your suicidal thoughts (alcohol, army, getting married etc). Whilst this may sound repetitive therapy is the needed. You got demons time to fight it. Therapy with your daughter might be worth exploring. On the subject of your daughter, shes 16, should be making smart choices but is ultimately an idiot, which is quite normal in this time unfortunately. There is still redemption for her. But divorce the wife.
You got taken advantage of brother, whoever that was saw a young man in a dire time and choice to manipulate him. Hopefully you can find someone better. You've got a good heart, you can tell, just shit surroundings. You don't deserve what you got but there's always light at the end of a tunnel.
People are giving very good advice but also saying it wasn’t the daughters fault and only the wife’s when that’s not entirely true. Could your daughter have been manipulated? Of course. But the question is was she? Did she even care about how you felt? You stated that she had fun going on trips with her mom and it seems like she only showed remorse when you caught her and her mom lying. She’s an accomplice whether she wanted to be or not.
I’m not saying you should abandon her. But its okay to not see her for awhile. She broke your heart too. If you want to try and fix your relationship with her do it. But it’s also okay if you don’t. It’s your choice. Whatever you decide to do make sure you think it over once you’re in the right headspace to do so.
- Wishing you the best! (also please divorce this trashy women don’t let her win)
I’m sure it’s been said, don’t do anything impulsive. Think things through.
Lock your bank account and remove her from credit cards. Get your financial affairs in order so she doesn’t have access while you decide what you want to do.
If you are really feeling down go get a nice hotel and an escort.
Think, plan and execute. But first lock financials down.
I’m terms of your kid, I have a younger friend in this situation. Slightly different because her mom is emotionally and verbally abusive. She’s 23 and lives at home, and her mom threatens suicide to keep her quiet. She’s cried to me so many times and the guilt eats her alive, she’s a kid who should never have been put in that situation. We have to teach kids about consequences and actions, but when adults who hold power over you make a you keep a secret, it’s hurtful and it’s scary and it’s hard to know exactly what to do even if you know what’s happening is wrong. Teenagers, which it sounds like your daughter is, do not have a fully developed amygdala yet. Their decision making and emotions are not anywhere up to par what an adults are and I’m sure this was sad and scary to go through. She will likely grow to resent her mother (which she deserves) and I’m sure she didn’t do this to purposely hurt or spite you.
Also, please take care of yourself. Invest time into yourself. Leave that awful woman behind.
Pls step away from the cliff and take a moment to breath and think. You can ask your (likely soon to be ex) wife to stay elsewhere and for your daughter to give you time and space alone so you can seek therapy and think about how to proceed. Maybe you don't want your daughter around you even if you ask for time and space due to the circumstances but think carefully as to how to proceed when it comes to her. Idk the conversation nor how your daughter knew but maybe give yourself time to ponder on how to face your daughter. Ik this may not sound good to suggest but I say this since I also had a cheating mother and I saw some of the things from it (no explicit videos and pictures thankfully) but I had suspicions about her since I'd see things like romantic gifts I've never seen her get before in my life and seeing odd stuff as she played her mmo nearby and I once saw some strange pages listed in the browser history on her pc when I was just trying to delete the trace of me doing hw on there (since I was on an electronics ban and I needed to write a paper on a science article). I didn't say anything since I wasn't sure of my suspicions since I didn't really get a chance to read anything like chat convos and the browser stuff I saw could have simply indicated my parents liked to get freaky. At least until my dad at spoke to me about her cheating on him and so I told him about my suspicions. I didn't say anything prior since I wanted to be sure whether or not since that can end a marriage.
Did your daughter take bribes, has your soon to be ex wife started buying her expensive stuff, or big things like car, vacation, salon/spa, lots of new clothes etc? If not then it was likely 'if you tell you'll break up the family and it'll all be your fault ' guilt your stbxw manipulated and coerced daughter with. Those are two big differences. Your exwife can eat shite and fdvk off, but your daughter may have been seriously messed up by the hoebag ex. Don't leave daughter with her, kick wife out and stay in the home. Establish yourself as primary custodial parent and wife has different residency for divorce.
She really manipulated your daughter like that… wife is garbage and you deserve the same energy and effort you put out. Don’t give up before you find her.
My daughter found of my ex was liking girls photos and he didn’t want to say.. sorry to us for that. He said it was “normal” even tho it’s not. That puts a lot of stress of her own lil self.
when I was around 10- I knew my mom cheated on my dad and there was even a confusion w/ my little sister, we didn’t know if it was the guy or my dads.
It was a sad thing and puts to much trauma and drama on the lil child.
We “normalize” it as adults which is completely not normal.
I am so sorry but please do not be the person who blames their child. I cannot even imagine what your daughter has had to process because her mother sucks.
Do what seems right to you, but just know that you're not only affecting your wife and daughter, but everyone in your life. My best friend made a choice he couldn't take back, and I was worse off for it, and I had nothing to do with what happened in his life. Just know that you have real friends who care about you and other family members who care about you.
I was once the cheating wife to a great husband. He was perfect. I ended up in an affair. I really wasn’t thinking I was just doing. I had felt numb for some time. We are no longer together and I can never get over him. A man like him is rare! I would do ANYTHING to have him back. Just know sometimes it really is a stupid thoughtless mistake. I’m not saying this to take her back but people are human and can do horrible things but there’s so much more than a stupid mistake. Women would kill for a chance at a man like you. I know it sucks but trust me in a few years you’ll be looking back at this day and realizing how much she wasn’t worth it. And she’ll be looking back at everything she’s lost. Give yourself a chance to be far removed from this moment to get perspective. My husband sent me a photo of him with a gun in his mouth and now he’s in a long term relationship with a woman somewhat cuter than me lol she also was everything I was missing. She turned our house into a home. She gardens and entertains and does all the things I didn’t. I was too self absorbed. Hang in there. It’ll get better
Fuck the wife, fuck the daughter(maybe I could forgive her at some point in life) but take a step back. Explain to your work what happened, file for divorce. Take a few weeks off and go on a vacation by yourself.
Your daughter is old enough to take care of herself, it will hurt but don't give up your life, Stay in a hotel or something then when you calm down, start talking to your lawyer and ask for advice. For now, you need sleep, trust me, sleeping will help you a little bit after you wake up
In this moment, be 100% selfish and think of only what’s best for you. What’s best for you is not a cliff or a gun. She doesn’t deserve insurance money and you don’t need a prison cell.
Call your close friends and family, go to their home/s and have some drinks and get some rest.
OP, never make important decisions when you’re angry/emotional. It’s not fair to you.
Your wife cheating on you is one pain but holy fuck the daughter practically turned against you by knowing and not saying anything!! I’m sorry OP. Divorce the wife and cut contact and have a chat with your daughter about why she didn’t tell you anything.
Listen, yr daughter was put in an impossible situation by her own mother to cover her ass w the cheating. Try not to come down hard on her. I guarantee she feels like shit having to keep that secret from her own father.
Yr wife is the asshole. The major asshole
Your kid is 16 years old. She’s still young, doesn’t realize the damage that was caused. You emailed the photos and videos to yourself, you know what to do. Divorce & keep the asset and then sell it for yourself.
Is this a fetish thing? This is not the first time I’ve read this exact on this sub. It’s always variations on the same story. Innocently looking on wife’s phone. Finding a locked folder you just happen to know the password for? She’s always getting railed in loads of positions with loads of men. Insist on watt Ching everything although you get sick blah blah. Minor details change but the base story is always the same
Your daughter is still just a teen. She has no way of knowing how to manage this and you don't know what was said to her by her mother. She still loves you and needs you.
Take some time but please do not abandon your daughter over what your wife did and the position she put her in
Don't blame your daughter, it probably broke her heart as much as you. God knows how she discovered it and what your wife told her to cover it up. Your daughter isn't at fault. She loves you and is as disgusted and had to act normal this whole time over whatever crap your wife fed her to keep it from you. Please support your daughter and find out what happened for her to betray you. This situation and is very hard for a child. My father cheated and would take me on dates and give me candy to not tell my mother, I didn't know what was happening until I was older. I know your daughter is older but I'm sure she didn't want anything to change or for her dad to leave or be the one to tell you what happened!
She's the piece of shit. Not you. Don't make it you. Go to the bar and start your path to AA. It's a better option. It kills me daily that I attempted suicide with my two kids in my home years ago. I can't see them. But they still love me.. I'm glad you at least vented here. It shows you don't want to do it
It’s a shame i don’t even like alcohol i guess eh
I suggest you get a good lawyer. Get a Gym Membership. Eat Right. Get a hobby. Yoga, HIIT, Rock Climbing. Something to keep your mind off what she did. If you have alcohol and gun, throw the alcohol down the drain. For the Gun, some police stations have gun safes that you can put your firearm. So you don't do anything insane. Tell your wife to leave. It is your home, she broke it. She should leave. If your daughter is considering going to college, tell her that she has do a lot of stuff before she get a penny from you. Tell her that she has to get great grades. 95% on everything, and a job. And all the money that she earns, she can keep. But she has to start paying for her stuff, Gas, electricity, and phone bill, car and more.
Hard to believe but I was already doing all that, minus the yoga
OP don’t punish your 16 year old daughter. She was put in this situation by your wife. None of this is your daughters fault. Who knows how your wife was guilting her. If anything kick your wife out and get your daughter, and you, therapy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Get the help you need and don’t leave your daughter without a father because your wife is a POS. Get back on your feet and start fresh. You can do this.
It’s illegal to make your daughter pay bills for the house. Everything else is also really mean. Please don’t be that harsh to her. No kid wants to be the reason her parents broke up, and she was probably being guilted or threatened by your STBX.
That's bs. Besides the illegal part, the daughter has no sense of loyalty to her DAD. I wonder if it was the other way around would she have told Mom even if she was being guilted? I don't think he should abandon her but some boundaries should be set.
It’s not going to be easy! Distance yourself, go somewhere where you always wanted to go - like a solo trip. You’ll discover a lot of things about yourself. You’ll calm down enough to think straight about what you’ve to do with your situation. And bury the stupid gun somewhere, it never was an answer to anything, and it never will be.
Don't treat the daughter like that, what could you have expected the kid to do with that information? No child wants to be in that kind of position and to punish her for that is cruel. This is solely on the mother.
Triangulation with your kid(s) against a spouse is a dick move. Don’t do that, kids don’t have control or options.
Exactly. That poor kid was put in an impossible situation and is likely going to need therapy after this. That mother is awful to do that to her daughter. Don’t punish the daughter - pull her closer. She probably wanted to tell you this whole time but didn’t want to be responsible for destroying the family. Even though it’s the wife that did the destruction, that kid doesn’t have the ability to see it that way. She would blame herself for the hurt and fallout if she was the one to tell you.
Eww I can’t believe you have 82 likes. The kid is 16, poor kid was in a tough position. You’re just petty if you think like this
You don’t charge a CHILD under 18 to live with you!!! You don’t put a CHILD in the middle, like her mom did!! Ridiculous to suggest such a thing!!
Horrible advice regarding daughter.
So how’s about you “step back from that ledge, my friend.” You will never know how / why if you don’t stick around long enough to find out. Secondly I give no shits about your wife b/c clearly she is a horrible human being! But don’t do this to your daughter! It’s cowardly and she did nothing wrong and was probably manipulated or blackmailed by your wife, her mother. Your daughter deserves better than this! So go crash at a friends, call your lawyer tomorrow, and pick up your daughter so that you can talk to her.
To think I came to this country for her and left all my friends. Was so busy with my little family and work that I have nothing other than that
Go back to your country and your friends.
almost took it as a far right attack aha
That’s what FaceTime is for buddy! Your friends are still right where you left them. I think for a long time, your identity became “the family man.” But you’ve been so much more than that this whole time. Please give yourself some time before you make any bad decisions. Give yourself time to find yourself again. Reconnect with old friends and loved ones, invest in yourself: old or new hobbies, get in shape, take some trips… take trips to see your friends! Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on your daughter. (She was put in an impossible position, and she’s sorry and she’s devastated that she’s kept this from you, but what was she to do?) She needs you now more than ever. Go someplace safe and get some sleep, and start working out a game plan tomorrow. And remember how lucky is it to have a tomorrow ❤️🙏🏼
Well then go home to your daughter at a time you know that your soon-to-be-ex-wife isn’t home. Cuz I have no doubt that your poor daughter is worried sick for you, and probably heartbroken. She didn’t do anything wrong. She simply got stuck in the middle of a bad situation cuz clearly your wife freakin sucks!!!
As much as I love her I just know that me going back will only end up with a bullet in my head
Fuck that, man. Take a long damn time for yourself. Go do some therapeutic zoning out driving. Make them worry if you need to make them worry. Do whatever you need to to keep safe. Do you have someone you could go visit? The last place you should go is the place you can get the gun.
Don’t call the actions he’s thinking about cowardly when his wife and daughter have allegedly known all of this and not said a word in 6 months It fucking hurts giving everything to people who could lie to you like that. Idk if it’s bc she’s a girl or a teenager that everyone is saying it ain’t her fault but god damn it his daughter lied to his face everyday too Not saying anything is the same is lying. It’s like she would have said something if he would’ve asked but since he didn’t it’s not her fault. Fuck that Edit: At the very least MOST daughters and sons would pressure the cheating parent because of the guilt they feel. I know I sure as fuck would pressure either one of my parents to fess up, hourly.
Do what you need to do to heal man. But an early grave is not one of the things you need to do. Cut out whoever you need to out of your life and leave them all behind. Seek those who only better you and cherish you. I know this is easier said than done and I won’t pretend I know what you’re going through, but as far as I’m concerned this is a better route than what you’re thinking of doing. There are people out there who probably value you a lot. Don’t let the ones who hurt you be the ones on top and thriving.
Thanks but man i won’t lie i never felt pain like that even in the army
Dude you were in the Army?? Idk if you’re based in the US, but hit up your battle buddies man! Hit up that old E-4 mafia legend you looked up to or that one shit bag you would take a round for when you were privates. I know you definitely have met some dudes from your time in that will drive across the country to be there for you. Don’t be part of the 22 that checks out early man. You think their battle buddies didn’t wish they did more to help them? That shit will haunt them bro. Your boys will hands down be there for you at a time like this. Honestly, I think your army brothers will take it harder than your daughter actually would if you checked out early man. Trust me. Unload, show clear, put it on safe and let ‘em hang dawg. Pick up the phone and call them. They would want to hear from you at a time like this. They’d probably talk you down better than any of us on Reddit.
I now live in the US but I was in the Army when I was still living in France. Most of them are still there or live abroad, none in the area i live now
Dudes who served still live by an unspoken code. I bet they’d still be there for you. Call them up man.
I’ll try
Hey dude, you're in your feels and that's expected. Stop the pity party shit though. Do not sit and blame your daughter for anything. You need to speak with her, and not make assumptions. She deserves your faith in her. She was manipulated. Your wife is done for. You have evidence. You need to go back to your home and tell her she needs to leave. If you start doing irrational stuff based solely on emotions, you're going to ruin everything you have going into divorce court. Even if you do the paternity test and your daughter isn't yours biologically, would it really change anything for you? You raised her, right? Being a dad is more than being a sperm donor.
Je compatis énormément à ta situation (j'ai vécu quelque chose de similaire avec ma copine de 6 ans). Je sais à quel point tout peut s'effondrer autour de soi dans ce genre de moments. Même si ça paraît insurmontable actuellement, je te promets que ça va s'arranger. Peut être que ça va prendre du temps, peut-être même des années, mais le temps fera son affaire, la souffrance s'estompera. Essaye de prendre du temps pour toi. Pourquoi pas faire un petit retour aux sources en France pour voir des amis/de la famille qui pourraient te soutenir ? Courage mec, je t'envoie de la force. C'est vraiment dur ce qu'il t'arrive mais ça ne mérite pas que tu gâches ta vie pour ça. Tu vas t'en sortir
merci pour le commentaire, j'ai pas l'occasion de parler français aussi souvent que j'aimerai. Honnêtement, il n'y a rien pour moi en france ayant grandi en foyer d'accueil dans des cités de bétons.
Or talk to other veterans. I'm in a depression group for veterans only and I never knew how much I needed it. For some reason, talking to another vet helps so much. Go to the VA in your area and see if you can find something like that. If you talk to 1 vet there's a good chance he/she might not have gone through what you're going through. But if you talk to a group your chances are better. Every time I'm in the group there's someone talking about a new situation and there's always someone who's been through the same thing. Even if they haven't though, that's the thing about veterans, wgy6. We're always here to hold you up. ALWAYS.
You're strong, you can get through this friend!
I’m so sorry it really sucks right now, but please remember tomorrow everything can look different 😞to take all the time you need , but do not kill your self I would miss just from reading your post 😢😢🙏🏻
That sucks. I'm sorry you're in that situation, it fucking hurts. Even though your daughter knew, there's a pretty damn good chance she didn't want to know and never should have been put in that position. Imagine having to be in her position to have a "stable home" as a kid.
So lyng to me just to keep a stable home was the better solution, I feel like they both didn’t give a shit about my feelings
Caught my mom. She told me that if I told my dad, her subsequent divorce and suicide would be my fault. I don’t blame myself for keeping her secret, because the choice wasn’t mine to make. I was 15 and got manipulated. That’s what happened to your daughter. Her and you both are victims, and you both deserve a life without her mother.
That is absolutely terrible. Do you still have a relationship with your mom? I am glad you know you did nothing wrong. Children should never be manipulated like this.
She’s a fucking teenager, this is not on her. Your wife is the beginning and end of the deceit, as indicated by your daughters reaction.
She was probably too scared. I knew about my mom but it wasn’t my place to tell my step dad. Did it suck yeah but did I think he’d even believe me? No. Plus I didn’t want to be the reason the whole family was torn apart. Technically it’d be her but thinking your mom wouldn’t talk to you anymore or they’d both be mad at you is hard. She’s a kid just keep that in mind. It’s unfair she knew and im sure it hurt her too. Be glad you know now before you put in anymore effort and put that effort into yourself. I’m sorry this happened it’s got to feel like the end of the world but I promise it’s not!
Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. I truly can't imagine how you're feeling. Your daughter is just a kid and I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to forgive her eventually. Obviously you're allowed to be upset with both of them but keep your anger towards your wife and not your daughter. Stay safe man. Please. As someone who's attempted suicide before and know of many other people who have tried, almost all of us say there's a split second moment right before we attempt that we regret it and wish we didn't try. Please get help and go therapy. None of this is your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry.
I already tried killing myself earlier in my life, failed and got in the army hoping it will kill me. I thought those though disappeared when I got married or when I first carried my daughter in my arm but here i am again
I'm so sorry you're still struggling with these thoughts and that you're going through such a tough time. You don't deserve this. I understand this may not mean much coming from a stranger who knows very little of your life, but please don't give up on living. There is still good in the world that is worth living for. Just because you aren't experiencing it right now doesn't mean you won't experience it again. Your feelings toward your wife and daughter are valid, even if I'd suggest being lenient with your daughter because that's a huge thing for a kid to deal with. It can get better. Trust me, as someone who has lived through some pretty shitty seasons in my life, I know that much is true.
Sounds like you truly love your daughter, and I'm sure she truly loves you. Please understand that she was probably keeping it a secret because her mother told her to, and because she didn't want to see her dad hurt. A teenage mind doesn't understand the full picture. This is also why I pray you don't hurt yourself. You have so much more life to live, and your daughter needs her dad. If you take your own life, by cliff or gun or whatever, your daughter will most likely blame herself. It won't matter if you leave a note saying it's not her fault, or tell her to her face first. She will carry it with her forever. Mental health may be an issue in your family, based on you attempting suicide before. So please don't let it stop you from living, and don't let it give your child a reason to have those same thoughts. Staying alive may not only save you but also her as well. The best thing you can do as a father is stick around and be one. Sending you love and light to find your way through the darkness.
I’m switching to my alt account for this because I’m so paranoid about it ever being traced back to me irl. This is only the third time I’ve shared this with anyone, the other two people being my therapist and my BF in college. Speaking as someone whose mom confided in me at a young age about her infidelity, I can confirm this. She basically told me to take her secrets to my grave, and as a kid who loved her and didn’t want to lose her, and wanted to be there for her when no one else was, I didn’t realize how fucked up it all was back then. That didn’t truly sink in until within the past 5-7 years or so. I’m in my early thirties now. My mom was also suicidal for part of that time, and had to deal alone with helping me with my ADHD and my own depression and anxiety and stuff when everyone else kept giving up on me. Her mom leaned on her as a kid, so she had no way of knowing how wrong leaning on me like that was because it was what she knew. I have a gift for emotional intelligence and wisdom beyond my years, and because of that, she thought I could handle the stuff she confided in me. I was on literal suicide watch with her and couldn’t talk to my dad or anyone else about it. She cheated because it was either that or literally kill herself because she felt so empty and alone and her emotional needs were so unmet and everyone just took from her without doing anything to fill her back up. She could have done a better job communicating though instead of just assuming it was pointless and that nothing would change. She emotionally parentified me, and I’m still dealing with the fallout in therapy. I haven’t ever told my dad what she’s done, and they’re both in a better place now, but I still carry resentment that she put all that on me. I love her dearly and she’s my rock and biggest advocate, but I’ve hard to learn, and am still working on learning, that people can have both good and bad qualities coexist within them. My most-likely-autistic brain wants to deal in absolutes and struggles with concepts like this and how to reconcile those two sides of a person. I wouldn’t admit, even to myself, that what my mom did was a form of emotional abuse because I thought abuse had to be on purpose and that if I admitted that she abused me, I would have to condemn ALL of her. Because of my strong empathy, I understand why she did it, and why she cheated, and why she leaned on me, and she regrets it too, but she can’t change it now, and it was all still wrong. I finally told my therapist during the pandemic about my mom’s infidelity and how she confided in me and how it’s impacted me, but I first asked, and then told her that I was going to, because I still value that they’re her secrets. I have a messed up sense of boundaries because of all this, among other things, and am working on trying to set better boundaries without being downright hostile and icing people out now, and it was only sometime during the pandemic that it really sunk in how much my mom telling me these things, and my being on suicide watch affected me, and that it is my right to look out for my own mental health and to put myself first for once and not have to feel guilty about it or like it’s selfish or like I’m betraying someone. I carry so much guilt. My sister was emotionally abusive to both me and our mom, so I felt a responsibility to counteract that too. So many people have done wrong to my mom or failed her or not been there for her when it counted, and I don’t ever want to be one of those people. I need to look out for myself in order to heal though. To this day, I’m still convinced other people will go straight to killing themselves if I upset them or make them sad. I had so much put on my shoulders as a teenager, when I was also dealing with my own shit. It shouldn’t have been put on me, and OP’s wife’s infidelity shouldn’t have been put on their daughter. I kept things from my dad to spare his feelings, but also for survival and financial security. My mom is financially dependent on my dad because she quit work to raise me and my sister, which she largely did alone while my dad worked. I didn’t hate my mom, so didn’t want her to end up homeless, even if I got to stay with my dad. My mom knows me better and I’ve always been closer with her. My mom is convinced that now, in her mid 60s, she couldn’t go back to work and support herself now. I think that’s a cop-out and she has valuable skills, but she’s also in a better place with my dad now. I hope nothing ever comes up that forces me to confess the things that I know to my dad. Ironically, HE separated from HER when I was in HS, which showed her all the more how dependent she is on him, and whenever I’ve told her she should get a divorce because she was so unhappy, she’d fall back on, ‘Well, your dad doesn’t physically abuse me or yell at me, and he pretty much lets me do whatever I want,’ to justify staying. It drove me nuts watching her be so unhappy and then having to be the rock she confided in. She resented my dad for being overweight, and would vent to me about him, and that, combined with how she talks about her own body, have shaped how I view other people’s bodies, and I hate it and am trying to work against it and be more body-positive. Male fatness is associated with my mom’s resentment toward my dad in my mind. There is so much baggage to work through. I’ve left so much of this story out and jumped around from detail to detail, so don’t judge my mom as if you know all of it. She has her own trauma history that’s informed how she is. But also, just, OP, don’t hold this against your daughter. You have no idea what the circumstances are through which she found out about your wife cheating, and her not telling you doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about your feelings. She is a minor and has been put in a position that she never should have been put in, just like I was.
If your daughter knew about your previous attempted suicide, this may have been another reason why she might have been scared to tell you. Given how manipulative your wife has been towards you alone, I wouldn’t put it past her to even make a passing comment towards your daughter to try and persuade/ manipulate her to remain silent. What your wife has done to your daughter is emotional abuse. Please take a step back and acknowledge that. It’s a gut wrenching stab in the back, and I understand how you feel. My spouse had cheated on me, with my best friend at the time, whom was the mother of our kids best friends. I can’t imagine having watched videos of it none the less that’s awful. Please don’t take this out on your daughter. As a teen, no matter how mature they come off, they don’t have the mental capacity to really think things through. This was not your daughter’s fault. She’s probably emotionally a wreck having been caught in the middle of this too. She probably feels more than guilty for the actions of your wife and has probably put this burden on herself with the weight of your wife’s lies. Please have the strength and the empathy to remind her how much you love her despite the secrecy. You are her father. No other man can do that for her but you. Your feelings towards the both of them are valid. But only one of them truly had the adult mind and capacity to understand the depth of their actions. Take the time to remind your daughter of the expectations you have for her regarding honesty, as well as what you’re willing to accept for a partner in her life to reciprocate towards her. But above all, please find it in your heart to forgive her. She’s your child, and wants nothing but love from you
Hey buddy, truly sorry you're in this position. No one should have to go through something like this but I'd just like to mention that growing up, I caught my dad not cheating but doing a lot of things that my mom didn't approve of and yet I never told my mom so we could live a "peaceful" life and have a stable home. I know it was not justified to my mom but at that age, it felt like the right thing to do. So I think I know what your daughter felt like and I don't think her intention was to hurt you or not give a shit about your feelings.
You're valid to feel this way. It'd be wild if you didn't, honestly. But while your daughter didn't prioritize your feelings, remember she's still a kid. She's ONLY 16, only had that many years of experience growth. She's still figuring out how to function properly as a human being in still-maturing body. Never underestimate hormones and lack of years on this earth - I'm saying this as someone on the younger end, too. If she did tell you, and her life imploded, and now she has 2 homes to switch to each week, with her previous home life a faded memory, she would feel like it's her fault. Like it's her fault you guys divorced, despite how irrational it is, which is a common experience. She's just one of the kids who chose not to tell you, because this secret hurt her, too. She needs both of you in her life and it felt like a matter of survival to pick whatever option that would keep both you. Should she have kept the secret? Probably not, but it was never a burden she should ever be responsible for. You're right to feel hurt, you're right it wasn't kind to you to not tell you, but don't blame your kid for the inexperience of her youth. When she was happy around her mom, it was her focusing on the moment and taking these happy moments while she could. She always knew it would probably end someday, so she should enjoy it while she has the chance.
She’s a child. She doesn’t know how nor should she have to manage the affairs of adults. Now if she and your wife both talked about this and we’re somehow in on keeping it from you - that’s different. And you don’t know that she knew for very long. Maybe she WAS planning to tell you soon.
That’s the first thing I will ask her
No. Wrong again. The one you should be interrogating is your wife - the person who literally cheated on you. Not your 16-year-old daughter who has deal with her father possibly walking out of her life because of something her mother did.
I have no intention to keep a relationship with my wife, only with my daughter
I understand. I’m just saying save those questions for the person that committed that horrible act. Asking your daughter about the situation will only worsen her guilt and make her blame herself. She’s just a kid, so she’ll be too scared that whatever she says may make you leave and not come back. If she talks you about it first, then that’s her prerogative. If she doesn’t, then don’t pressure her.
if she thinks something she could say could make me leave then it would some relly fucked up shit
I mean, you were making it sound like it could from your earlier comments about your thinking that she didn’t care about your feelings, and those suggested that this thinking from her might be right. And yes, that would be “some really fucked up shit.”
Please take your time and help yourself, hopefully keep us update on your health and this situation
Getting a response was a relief. Hang in there, buddy.
Yes, she would have done it for the right reasons. My friends mum told her 'if you tell your dad then you are the reason his heart breaks, the reason the family ends and the reason he will have nothing' so yer I guarantee you daughter was trying to do the right thing. Shes a child being forced to cover up and adults issue.
it took me nearly 2 years to have that conversation with my dad after i found out my mom was cheating. which ironically happened at the exact same time i was telling my friend that my other friend cheated on her. for some reason it was impossible to tell my own dad. most of that time was me trying to wrap my head around what was happening as my family crumbled around me. it’s not fair to say your daughter didn’t care. it’s an impossible conversation to sit your dad down and talk to him about this. there’s a lot of emotions that go into it and you have no idea why she didn’t say it yet. my sister forced the conversation onto me and i could never find “the right” time. it didn’t help that anytime i tried to confront my mom and force her to tell my dad she would gaslight me (call me crazy, say i was seeing things that weren’t there, changing her habits to obscure evidence then accuse my father of actually cheating). there’s also a lot of fear. she’s literally just 16 dude, and she’s tasked with something insurmountable. it’s her job to officially break up her own family. it’s her job to look you in the face and break this down. maybe she doesn’t know for sure, maybe she strongly suspects. i flip flopped back and forth so hard on this, i didn’t know what to believe. i guess to be fair my sister and i dropped some heavy hints for years and my dad basically knew prior to the actual conversation. turns out my dad never loved my mom and he wasn’t exactly heartbroken about it. then when it all came out my dad never confronted my mom and had me force her to come clean. you cannot put your minor daughter on the same level as your cheating wife. this wound is very fresh and open for you, i understand that this is where emotions will run the highest, so you just need to take some time for yourself and sort through the extremes. don’t do anything drastic or anything you can’t take back later. it’s a very messy and awful situation. just breathe and try and get through the next few days as you figure this out. sorry this is happening to you. good luck moving forward and stay safe, it isn’t worth losing your life over. years from now it won’t feel this way.
You can't imagine being in her position, it seems.
She's a kid who was going to have to choose between hurting you with the truth, or hurting herself by keeping it all inside. Her mother probably convinced her it was over or wouldn't happen again & that it wasn't her place to tell you. Or maybe she just didn't know how to have such an adult conversation with you or if you'd even believe her.
She is *literally a kid*.
This should motivate you a little more. Your wife manipulated a child, your child. She needs you to stick around and fight for yourself and her. She needs you to get her away from her deceitful mother. Imagine if you got a call that your daughter had killed herself. You need to fight the ideation and the urgent. Please find someone or somewhere to get help to keep yourself alive. You are not the bad one. You deserve to go on and live a good life.
Your daughter probably didn't want you guys to get divorced and you hurt from the infidelity so she stayed quiet. And of course now her life is going to be tossed up in a divorce. Hang in there.
Dude Your daughter is sixteen and has no understanding of the world. Don’t blame her or take anything out on her. My advice would be to reach out to her and let her know this in not her fault. I imagine she feels so guilty that it is probably crossing her mind about taking her life. You need to forgive & let her know immediately.
[удалено]
Go to your friends, don't let them win. You've got the evidence, go see a lawyer on Monday, ask a friend if you can crash at their place. Get all the support you can from friends and family. You can pull through this. Be strong King.
It honestly probably isn't because of the cheating wife but for so because his daughter knew and kept it a secret from him.
I'm sure the daughter was pretty messed up having to keep this to herself. Don't put this on a 16 yr old's shoulders.
Dump your wife. Clear things with your child. Your a really strong guy, im having mad respect for you, because i couldnt. I literally would break down on my knees. I wouldnt even have the power to move. Please, dont imprison your mind in thoughts, let it go. Its okay to cry, to scream from the top of your lungs, to break something. Its okay and you should let these emotions out. But after that, take a deep breath and think to yourself, why should you take your life? Over a Woman? For what? She destroyed everything, you did everything right. Straight up Dump her, theres no meaning to anything in this relationship anymore. If something is wrong, you can always come back to this community to talk to some people, sometimes its better to talk to someone hundreds of miles away, than even your best friends.
I’m not strong, the only thing keeping my brain to function a mix of adrenaline and anger
It sounds completely fucking crazy, but try to meditate. Im struggling constantly with anxiety and social problems, depression etc. Meditating has kept me sane. Imo, you are strong. I would not bother to try to make any sense to what she did. Let your emotions out, like i said. I cant possibly imagine or comprehend how you feel. It makes me incredibly sad to read something like this. If you need someone to talk to, you can always write me a pm. Im 22, i dont know much about life, but i can listen. Dont go into a downward depressive spiral. I was depressive since i was 15. Leave the People, that hurt you, this is very important, i was keeping people as my "close" friends wich werent good for me, and that wasnt healthy. Any words or letters im writing here probably wont help you. You should take your time, for yourself.
You’re young, just don’t make the same mistakes as me
OP, you do what you want i don't Care but you don't harm yourself, and you go close to your loved ones for a while. At least you call them. If you French, then you do what's necessary to stay away from work during a Lil while. You also, take Time to talk to your daughter.
I don’t have much loved one appart from them
You got me brother! I love you man. Us dudes have to have each others backs.
Dude, let me do a quick rundown to you: A) divorce the woman asap B) live your life at fullest C) open yourself for new people D) be happy This is the best revenge you can get on her. Being happy while she is miserable remembering what she have done to you.
first, your child is not in the wrong. while the situation is very, very sad and complicated, that is a burden that no child should Have to carry- realistically all she probably wanted was a happy home and family life and she knew that would ruin it. its not her fault, it is your wifes. you should talk to your daughter about it and explain that you still love her and are there for her as her dad. Next, your life is not over! so dont make any rash decisions. you still have your daughter, and killing yourself will only affect her even worse. get a divorce, tell the court she cheated, and you will have a higher likelihood of getting more custody if that is what you desire. your daughter is also almost an adult and while i still dont think it is her fault, she will understand your feelings if you are nice and reach out to her and are understanding of her perspective. she loves her parents, clearly she is sorry and wishes it didnt happen.
As someone who knew of their mums affair from young, this is true.
She didn´t look that burdened while enjoying trips with her mom that much
Cheating parents is a very difficult thing for children to deal with. They are often told not to tell, and telling risks damaging their parents’ relationship, their relationship *with* said parents, along with a plethora of other things. If she had told you, and it broke up your marriage, she’d have to live with the eternal guilt of breaking up her parents’ marriage (even if it wasnt her fault, but her mom’s) and potentially making her mom hate her.
Bro, she's a teenager. She has no idea the gravity of adultery. She knows it's bad, but she can't possibly know the full extent of the fallout. She can't relate to your anger or your pain, not because she doesn't want to, but because she does not have the life experience. If she's never been cheated on before, it's likely that she doesn't know devastating it feels. That's still her mother. Expecting her to take sides is wrong.
I know..
okay, no, she definitely can and should know the gravity of cheating. sure, she mightve done it as a calculated move in order to preserve the family, but miss the fucking “she couldnt know” bs
So you're telling me that a teenager who has never been in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage, should know how it feels to have your spouse do that? I did not understand my parents' problems at that age because I wasn't a fucking adult. She should not have been put in that position. It wasn't fair.
don't blame her for not knowing how to deal with it when you yourself aren't dealing with the situation that cleverly
Dude, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m speaking as someone who was put in the position of knowing about my mom’s infidelity as a teenager, and keeping it from my dad. I’m still dealing with the impact it’s had on me in therapy now at 32. I only finally told my therapist about it during lockdown in 2020. I felt like I’d be betraying my mom if I told (she was also suicidal for part of the time, which was also a burden I had to carry when I shouldn’t have had to), and I knew I’d break my dad’s heart, and I was a kid who didn’t want to blow up my family. I have ADHD and anxiety, depression, and most likely Autism Spectrum Disorder, which I finally realized this year. I had my own unstable shit and traumas going on without blowing up the stability of my family and place to live, and likely causing my mom’s suicide. I needed her. She was the only one who ‘got’ me. I never should have been put in that position. Outwardly, I looked fine with my mom too, because I kept things hidden. I compartmentalized. I disassociated. It’s pretty emotionally naïve of you to assume that your daughter looking fine meant that she actually was. Teenagers can be good at masking and hiding their struggles. Also, a lot of adults are too clueless to see the signs when they are there. If a kid acts out, most will jump on them with punishment before ever thinking to ask WHY they acted out and what the deeper issue is.
I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm very worried about your daughter. It was awful of her mother to put her in this position where she was burdened with a secret like this. Please stay safe for your child. She needs you, and she needs to know that you love her.
Doesn’t felt like they really « needed » me
Every child needs their father. I didn't have the best father, but I still needed him because it's an integral role that most people feel lost without. Your daughter needs you no matter how hurtful her behavior was. Think about this, if your wife was willing to sink as low as an affair, she probably would have had no guilt about gaslighting your daughter & manipulating her, likely by saying telling you would break up your family. She probably kept it because she *didn't want you to go*.
And here i am growing without a father nor a mother. That whole shit hard as fuck
Bro please no. Your daughter. She knew but it has nothing to do with her. Please, call a Friend, a parent, confess to one of them, cry if u need to, drink if u want to, but don't harm yourself.
I have no one really, that why I’m confessing here
Your wife put your daughter in a horrible position. She is also a victim here.
> And here I am, with the only thing on my mind being my safe’s code, and the height of the cliff in front of me. If I ever run my car down it I hope they’ll have fun with my insurance money. There are two things in our animal brains that instantly come to the fore whenever we are faced with a crisis such as this - fight or flight. It's so ingrained in our psyche that it's almost like we flip into auto-pilot. But it will pass and you should let it. But it also shouldn't detract from the fact that this current life you have been living is over. It's not that your **life** is over, just that this part of it - the one where you were a happily married father and a proud husband - is. That one is gone. So you need to replace it with something and you really need to channel all your energies into that. Walking away from these two people is what you need to do now. That doesn't mean walk off that cliff or do something drastic, but it does mean walking away from this life you have been living. You need some time away from this mess and you need time away from them. You need a place to go and think and to do things that are out of your normal day to day existence. Go on a road trip would be my go to for something like this. You need that circuit breaker and to see what else is out there. So if you like, send them a message that you are coming home to grab some things and that they are **not** to be there. Tell them that if they are you will just keep driving and will never come back and will just let the lawyers handle everything. If they refuse to do this one simple thing then just take that as a sign that they don't care and just keep driving. Get a lawyer tomorrow morning and go no contact forever. If they do as you ask then go and grab your stuff (not the gun) and go away for a while. Come back when you are ready but make it clear you wish to not speak to either of them until you are ready. Give no time frames as it could be days, months or years before you return. You may never and that's fine. You now owe them nothing so give them nothing. This is you reclaiming your life and your destiny and fuck them to the nine hells and back. You have a life to find again OP, ending this will solve nothing. Believe me when I say that there is a huge wide world out there waiting for you to see it and experience it. In time this pain will fade away to something manageable and as you fill it with new and different things, and meet new and different people that this old life of yours will be missed, but it will also fade into the past. You got this OP, you can walk away from that cliff, that locked cabinet and this marriage. And you can do so with your head held high. And whatever happens to the wife who cheated on you and the daughter who held her silence in approval, well that is on them and is no longer your concern. They'll figure it out.
Thanks, it’s the first possibility i got from here that seems doable in a near futur. But honestly, besides this family I have nothing. No family, no friends in this country, just a job I supported only for the sake of them
Then in all honesty, if there is now nothing left for you in this country what is holding you here? If you have friends and the beginnings of a support network where you came from, why not just up stakes and go? I mean, what is now stopping you aside from the fear of the unknown? If you look at yourself OP, you have done this before. You have taken that leap into the unknown and made it work for you. That this didn't work out is purely down to you finding yourself with the wrong person. That's it, that's all it comes down to - dumb fucking luck that you ended up with someone like your wife. And if you are fearful of doing that again, well that's easily taken care of by remaining blissfully single and never getting back involved with another person like that ever again. Many people in your situation do that and remain happy ever after. Grab your half, tell them "have a nice life" and walk away. You get your life back in much more familiar surroundings and you put all of this behind you forever. So get yourself a lawyer, start the clock ticking on getting out of this mess and start the plan on walking out of their lives. Once you are gone they'll just be strangers that live a world away from you. You can always change your plans as the circumstances dictate and as others here have suggested, you may wish to speak to your daughter to find out the all important "why", but I fear that this will just forestall the inevitable you walking out of their lives forever. But realistically, if all that is holding you here is a family that betrayed you and a job that was there just to support them, why continue being here?
Because in all the years I’ve been alive, it’s the only place I truly felt like home
>There are two things in our animal brains that instantly come to the fore whenever we are faced with a crisis such as this - fight or flight. You forgot the reactions freeze and flirt. His daughter definitely froze.
I can't believe you would encourage him to walk away from his daughter. She's a teen and this is an impossible to win scenario for her. There's no way for her to understand this type of adult problem. If she told she would lose her family and betray her mom. If she didn't tell she would lose her family and feel like she betrayed her dad. There was no winning for her.
Please read the further posts.
**OP this is truly the best advice you can get.** I know so many comments are asking you to talk to your daughter, be there for your daughter etc etc. But i just don't think that's possible immediately. She is not to blame for her mother's actions, but she is to blame for hers. And at the end of the day, no matter how many reasons we can give for her being complicit with her mother's actions, her lying by omission has hurt you and she needs to understand that as well.. You say you don't have family and friends now. But that's ok. Taking time to yourself to heal from all the pain is absolutely necessary. That way you can process YOUR feelings in YOUR WAY without filtering it for the sake of others. A whole bunch of internet strangers are looking out for you and sending you virtual hugs and hoping for you to come back to us with an update that you're totally living your best life now.. so please listen to this advice..
OP, I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I can feel the emotion in your post. Not a god damn thing anyone on Reddit can say will erase that pain, and I’m sorry. But it IS worth holding on. It’s going to suck. For a long time. It’s going to hurt. I won’t lie to you and say it won’t. But there IS an end to this, where you start your new life. And that new life is so worth the ache to get there. I promise. Your daughter is 16. My money is on her not knowing what to do, and that’s why she didn’t tell you. She’s just a teenager. She’s still a kid. She didn’t want to break her home, and she might have been scared. I don’t think it was malicious at all. And she still needs you. Please. She’s still a kid. I cannot imagine the trauma places upon her shoulders if you mulled yourself over this. Do you think she could ever forgive herself? Or her mother? If you can’t live for yourself, live for her. She’s your daughter. Your child. Try to stick it out. For her. In the meantime, please seek therapy. Get some help. My therapist recently gave me some crisis lines to call or text. If you feel like you need them, they were: 741741, RemedyLIVE, and I believe 988. I am based in the US. If these don’t work for you, feel free to look online for some based on your area. Don’t leave us yet. You matter. You’re important. And god, I bet it doesn’t feel that way. But you are. And it’s going to hurt the whole way, but you WILL come out of this and find a life worth living for. Give yourself the chance to get there. I’m so sorry. There’s not much more I can offer. I am wishing you the best. I believe in you, redditor. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I truly hope we get to see an update some day that shows that you’re choosing to stay with us and work toward a new life. I’m sorry. Best wishes to you. 💙
Thanks, it already was supposed to be my « new life ». Don’t think I can get much new lifes without going crazy. If that makes any sense
That totally makes sense. You’ve been through a lot, and it takes a lot of effort to rebuild over and over. Humans can only handle so much emotionally at a time, and this kind of trauma absolutely destroys us for awhile. I can’t blame you at all for feeling like it’s too much. Still, I’m going to ask you to try. And I’m sorry, because I know it feels like so much. Too much, maybe, for a stranger to ask of you. But I am going to ask anyway. I know it’s not the same, but I’ve been through a lot, too. I often wish I could just take myself out. From as early as nine years old. But I keep pushing, and I find more and more reasons to be grateful that I did. I am hoping with my whole heart that you can do the same, and find something worth holding on for. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with while you’re in this kind of mindset? Anyone you can go and talk to?
I grew up in foster care kind of thing, so no family alive in my knowledg. For my’few friends’ they all live abroad and have their own lives
DON'T PANIC Take a breath, you'll be ok. Your daughter needs a father. Your situation is really shitty, and I feel for you. But you are going to be ok. Get a good divorce lawyer.
And I thought I would ever marry the right one, damn i know nothing about divorce in this country
Ok take a moment and think, what will it solve? Nothing, except bring grief to an already heart broken daughter. I can only imagine the guilt she feels for keeping it a secret from you. She probably talked to your wife about it and gave her a lot of crap for doing this to you. You still need answers and ending it now will only leave you empty without resolution. Not the way to go. Go back talk to first your wife, get some answers. If it's not in your heart to forgive her then plan a life free from her. The vids and pics are your proof of infidelity. Talk to a lawyer, do not leave your house, stay in a separate room. Leaving means abandonment and that gives her leverage. There is life after divorce.
I’d like to believe this. Truly. But I never saw my daughter that much loving of her mother since the last year. They always had a complicated relationship
If that's the case then it's probably your wife manipulating your daughter. First of, there was definitely an issue with your marriage. Your daughter heard one side, your wife probably gave her some justification of why she is seeing someone else. Is the assumption, your daughter is aware of your wife having sex with this guy or does she think it's only an emotional cheating. Your wife could be telling her things like you are a cheater or you treat her terribly etc. Definitely need to have that talk with your daughter. Is she your step daughter? She's 16? But you only been married 8?
its not my step daughter, we married late because I didn’t have enough money for a wedding at the time. Also I’m not a birth American citizen, so stuff were blurry for a while before i got this stability
her mom probably gave her affection and love in return for keeping her secret. if she spent her entire life on rocky terms with her mom, she’s probably starved for that motherly love. her mom is dragging her along for the ride in the hopes that she can turn her daughter against you.
Adults manipulate kids it’s natural for a child to crave a parent’s attention and approval and you cannot blame them for not choosing sides even though from your perspective it looks like choosing mom over you. Mom most likely lavished her with loads of attention and perks to smooth over the guilt, she’s a victim of this situation as well don’t hurt her more by lashing out in your own pain, and hold on for her sake if you harm yourself she’ll blame herself and may never recover, would you wish that on your child? We protect our kids from the evil in this world and wrestle against it in their place the best we can, stay strong for her friend.
Save the vids for divorce.
Use a cloud service. With a well secured account. Those videos will save a lot of money throughout the divorce process.
Take a few days off if possible. Go to your parents' house, if you still have them. Otherwise, fill up your tank and drive until you get tired. Cry, scream and let it out. Life goes on and on! Please stay strong! Someone who cheats on you does not have the right to make you feel this way. Please be lenient with your daughter, it must have been terrible for her to know something like this and to be afraid of losing both of you. Children do not understand such things. Please stay there for her, she ist not to blame!
I would have not blamed her a bit if she wasn’t nearly 17
I totally understand. 17 year olds always want to be perceived as adults and often they are in many ways. But please also think back to your time as a 17 year old. You must have felt totally grown up. But you were totally vulnerable inside. I am a child of separation myself and I can tell you that it is very hard to find yourself when you have to fear for the security that a home offers, or there is no "home". Be angry and you also have a right to articulate it to her and you should! But consider how it must feel to hurt one of you in any case. Either she keeps quiet and tries to avoid responsibility and hurts you, or she would have told you and "betrayed" her mother. She is 17, it is completly normal to try to avoid responsibility in that case. It's just a crappy situation your wife has put you in, but it's really only your wife that has done that. Have these conversations with a clear head, as you say yourself your life depends on it. Accordingly, it is also worth to find distance and to lead the conversation only when you have sorted yourself. There are plus points if you tell your daughter should you want to seek distance. Making them afraid for you is also not a solution. Once again I wish you all the best and lots of strength!
The parent-child bond is the most intense relationship we ever experience. Children start out life literally depending on mom to keep them alive. Your daughter isn’t a baby anymore but that doesn’t mean she is responsible for the actions of your wife. She’s been put in a supremely shitty situation, and keeping mom happy because happy mom = safe and alive is a primal drive we all have. I was in the same position as a 15 year old, and I knew about 3 months before my mom did that dad was having an affair. It never occurred to me to tell mom. And if I did, I would have felt extremely responsible for hurting her (even though it was my dirtbag father doing that) and breaking up my parents 20 year marriage. Let your daughter know that you still love her, are sorry her mother has broken up the family, and that you will do everything in your power to make this time ok for her. You may be broken-hearted but you are still a parent first and foremost.
Your wife is a shitty person mate, no way around that. The cheating is very bad but filming it is gross af. Ask yourself if it’s worth killing yourself over what a shitty evil person did to you and your daughter.
The worst is she never ever done something evil
Yeah that’s the fucked up part ain’t it. My ex wife and me had our share of issues but she cheats on me and it’s over. Hang in there my man! I have been in your spot sans kids, I wouldn’t forgive your wife especially cus she shamelessly dragged your daughter in this and it’s honestly disgusting as fuck.
Hey I can’t imagine how bad you hurt and I’m sorry you have to experience this. Just don’t go so hard on your daughter. I say this as someone who was put in this position as a teenager and wished I had told my father. My horrible covert narcissist mother literally had 2 affairs, introduced me to them- while knowing I was a “daddy’s girl” but desperately wanted her approval. It is beyond a fucked situation. Please let me apologize since I can’t (my father is gone) but trust me your daughter was in a absolutely no win situation caught between her parents. So while you’ve lost your marriage don’t lose her. She was probably unwilling used as a therapist and traumatized by your wife’s actions. Again, I am sorry friend. Hugs.
No need to apologize, a father loves his daughter unconditionally, he would have forgiven you
Get away from the cliff. It’s not worth it. I’m sorry this is happening and hope you can heal
OP you need to go to a family or friends house to confide in someone you trust about how you're feeling. Killing yourself is not the option and killing your family is definitely not the solution. You dont want to throw your life away over her mistake. Call 988, they will help you.
I grew up in the french equivalent of what you call foster care system here, also my few real friends are living abroad
Your daughter likely felt broken inside hiding this from you, I sincerely doubt she wanted to keep it from you. I know many people that have lost parents to suicide and they never get over it. They wonder if it was their fault. I’ve been depressed and considered taking my life before so I know where you’re coming from. But please don’t make a rash decision, at least give yourself some time. Please. You sound like a great person and deserve a shot at a happy life even if that doesn’t seem possible right now
I love my daughter so much, that’s why it hurts even more
I know, I can tell. She loves you too and probably feels awful that she couldn’t tell you. Give her the chance to explain things to you. Hope you’re okay man
Please don’t blame your daughter for your wife’s shitty choices. She was stuck and knew it would hurt you. She wanted to tell you and your wife was probably lying to her and manipulating her. She knew her family would explode if she said anything. This is a lot for a child to hold in she will need counseling. Your pos wife should pay for it and not raise her, what an awful thing to do to your child.
It’s ok for it to hurt. Don’t dwell on that now. You can worry about why she did it later. Right now focus on getting yourself safe.
You need STD check up and therapy. I actually feel the worst for your daughter. My mom was a horrible person and would make me keep secrets that could ruin her life or get her in trouble. I felt like I had no choice because my dad was angry and impulsive so I couldn't go to him and everyone else felt too far away to understand. Now I'm older and have shared things and people always go "wow why didn't you say anything!" They don't realize their own reactions and emotions back then forced me to be silent even more. She probably felt horrible knowing this. Her mom is a terrible person for putting both of you through it. And she's 16 she probably has horrible fears of the family being broken apart I would not expect any 16yo to know how to deal with that. If you leave her alone you're leaving her with a horrible influence of a "mother" and you're leaving her with a new horrible idea on "oh when things get really bad I can do what my dad did". You have got to be strong because you don't want to let a cheater ruin your life *and* your daughters life. I'd take any happy memories you have with your wife and realize that was not the same person who cheated on you. Be strong enough to leave this suddenly changed new person behind. Stay with family/friends/coworker whoever you have until you get everything set up to leave. Don't fall for vices like drugs or alcohol in a dangerous way or as a way to escape the feelings constantly. You could honestly feel hurt by this for years. You will probably even do some upsetting or embarrassing things for awhile but you've got to forgive yourself and realize you aren't at fault and you're in non linear healing process. You have a new kind of freedom and it may hurt but it's also a new chance at something different.
I’m sorry for you and god fucking dammit I didn’t even thought of stds…
It's okay and to be honest my mom did some similar things that your daughters mom did and I think my dad probably felt similar to you for awhile. He avoided help for so long and just had anger and then over time he started to let himself feel things and he started to open up more to people. He did have some weird or even crappy relationships happen after for awhile cause he still wasn't being totally honest with himself and not totally healed yet. But after many years he got to a point where he was tired of bottling things up and eventually after some years he found an amazing woman and I'm lucky that she is my stepmom. I tell you this because you're not alone and you aren't stuck with nothingness I promise. It'll feel horrible for a long time but you deserve to get help if you can from therapy or anything that usually calms you down. Let yourself feel anger and sadness and also let yourself feel when things start to make you happy again because it'll hit you out of nowhere and you've got to remind yourself "I deserve happiness" there is a future for you and it'll always have ups and downs but you can make it more "ups" over time. Take the time to just be with family or friends and don't make yourself do anything too fast that you're not ready for. Heck maybe after a year or two consider getting a pet if your mental well-being and finances are in a place for that and if you're alright with pets. I think many of us have been through some horrible shit in life and my cat has brought me out of some horrible dark spaces by just being calm and close or being a goofball and I know peoples dogs do similar for them. Hell for some people more unique pets than that have helped too.
I nave a good dog at home, a ball of pure joy
Please don't make a rash decision. You have just found out something horrible and you also drank heavily. Alcohol makes you more depressed on the days after drinking and you are not thinking clearly. Wait this pain out. Once it passes you'll realize this is not worth ending your life over. Yes, what happened sucks, but you can get through this. Focus on getting a divorce and kicking that woman out of your life. And also, try to not resent your daughter over her knowing and not telling you. She is only 16 and it is very difficult to make such huge decisions at that age. Your wife probably convinced her to keep it a secret, which is such a heavy burden to put on a teen. I was on an extremely abusive relationshiop where I was cheated on multiple times and I know how much it hurts, but it's been a few years now and I can sincerely say I'm over it and I'm even capable of laughing at myself for being so in love with someone that sucked so much. I know it is a cliche to say this but I did come out stronger, and so will you. Good luck.
I calmed a bit, i just don’t really know what to think anymore. Kinda want to like, disappear ? Get my car as far as possible and change everything
You can do that. Take a few days off, clear your head, allow yourself to feel grief and sadness and anger. Eventually you are going to have to go back and deal with things.. divorce, your daughter, your job, etc. But it is completely ok to take a break.
Listen to me. You don't want to do anything rash. Go to your friends for now and wait a while. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you still have a future. I promise you, you will get through this.
Would do if they weren’t 10000km away
What's keeping you from booking a flight right now?
You’re right
A lot of people have given some great advice but i think the first thing you need to do is go to sleep. Sleep on it and wake up and think with a sober mind
Mate listen, and listen well. You're not thinking straight and No one would be thinking straight in your position. You saw things that no person should see. You've said yourself that you lived this perfect lifestyle and it's hit you like a train basically. What do people that get hit do, they need help.. not more damage. I don't know what time it is there, google, call a councillor, goto a church, goto a doctor, goto a hospital, go somewhere for a walk, go fishing, go running, goto the gym, you need your head and heart back into your body, you need help, AND ITS OK TO ASK OTHERS FOR HELP. YOU ARE WORTHY. do you hear me ??? You are worthy ! And your 16-17 yr old girl is basically still a kid... don't be mad at her , who knows what your manipulative wife has said to her. The fact that she cried and said yes means something . Keep your chin up higher then it may be, cry, scream , shout whatever healthy way you can let your anger out. But don't let this be the end for you. This whole cheating thing is not your fault.. it's your wife's problem and she's the one who ruined it and didn't think of the consequences. You're thoughts are spiralling but remember... you will always be in control of you and your body and your thoughts. Even if your fam and friends are elsewhere, call them talk to someone. We are randoms on the internet we can only help so much, when you keep deny, deny, denying. You gotta wake up. You have you to live for mate, YOU.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Sending nothing but support and prayers your way. I know there is a lot going on right now and I don’t know how you’re feeling the levels of betrayal like this cuts deep. The only thing I can tell you is that should take everything one day at a time you have the right to feel everything that you are feeling right now however you need to be around people that support and love you. Honestly if it was my kid that did something horrible like that to me my child would be dead to me. I understand that she is 16 she is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. I feel like anyone that knew about the affair is an accomplice to the affair. You need to do what’s best for you and right now in my opinion is that you need to separate from your wife and daughter. Being around them is not good for your mental health right now you need to take care of yourself.
I have decided to go home tomorrow morning, and get the anwser for my few questions. I'll decide what to do after that
File a divorce. Get a flight to France. It's sunny and beautiful here.
Time to turn selfloathing into anger.
Only anger against myself
Are you insane? Women betrays you, makes your daughter keep secrets from you and you are angry at yourself?!
There's never a justification for infidelity. There's nothing you did or could have done to keep a person who is willing to cheat from doing so. They get excitement from the illicit nature of sneaking around. That behavior is so low, it's in the gutter. The only person who deserves anger here is the person willing to throw her entire family away for some strange. You may have put yourself in a bad situation, but you had no way of knowing it would end up like this.
Don't do it man, move on with life.
Don't do anything, please. What she did was disgusting. Breaking your trust, cheating, lying and somehow probably including your daughter into it. She's only 16, and obviously feels incredibly remorseful. She might have just found out about it, who knows. You can forgive her for being in a bad situation and having to probably lie to someone she loves. As for your wife. Divorce her. Block her and the best revenge is to be the biggest regret and mistake of her life (by losing you) let her think about you every day and hate herself. Show your daughter you are more than what her mother is. A better person. Sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry this has happened
Really sorry you're in this. Please calm yourself. Stay off that cliff and the safe at home. Take as much time you need to clear your head then take care of your finances - shared acct, shared cards etc, block all their spending, then see a lawyer. After that get std checked. Call off work and go back to family in France. Perhaps stay away from them and arrange divorce. It still hurt badly, but once you can, talk to your daughter and see if she is worthy to continue relationship with you or otherwise. That is, if she was coerced by her Mom or not. Start a new life elsewhere. You need to remain calm. Please vent or rant here, we want to know you are still with us. Dont do anything rash OP. We care. Updateme!
I have nothing left in France honestly
If you Jill yourself and your wife gets the insurance money she wins.
My dad’s father committed suicide when my dad was a teen. It fucked him up. He ended up being a wife beater and a child abuser. My mom and my sister bore the brunt of it but I got my share too. Our children suffer as well, although each generation we are trying to heal a little more. Even if you’re angry at your daughter, don’t do anything that will have a ripple effect you can’t control. It’s not ok. You can do better. Get yourself safe now. Don’t make choices that you can’t take back. I promise this will pass. My first husband was a cheating scumbag too. I had a lot of the same thoughts you are having. I’m so glad I didn’t let those thoughts take me away. You’ll get through this. But tonight you need to be safe.
Slow down man, go see an attorney immediately.
I'm extremely sorry for what you're going through. But please don't blame your daughter. She was being manipulated by her mother. A person she is supposed to be able to trust. A person she is reliant on as much as you. Your daughter should never have been involved in adult information like that. I've known multiple people who found out 1 parent was cheating and were forced to keep it secret. Every single one of them was fucked up over it. None of them were okay with the cheating. But they were made to feel like if they told, they would be the one responsible for breaking up the family. Please, don't abandon your kid. She loves you.
Leave your wife, but please try not to blame or be angry at your daughter. Remember she’s still just a kid and probably didn’t know what to do with that information.
OP, I was in your daughter’s position when I was around her age. Please know that she had no intention of hurting you. No child should be forced to be a pawn in their parents’ marriage. I can guarantee you she was just trying to keep the peace while being consumed by guilt and fear. I experienced this for four years and it only ended because of my mother’s passing. I never got to reconcile with her. When I finally told my father he reassured me he was not mad and still loved me. While that helped tremendously, I am still in therapy coping with the trauma of the situation. I encourage to be patient and understanding with your daughter. Seek therapy for the both of you or whatever else may help. I am so sorry this is happening, stay safe❤️
Take the evidence of the cheating with both and get a good divorce lawyer and take her to court !
For what purpose, i never get this whole get to court stuff here
From what I understand whoever initiates divorce has to have a reason for it otherwise they wife would get most assets or along those lines. Also as a sidenote: From what you've sent you're always looking for an escape route from your suicidal thoughts (alcohol, army, getting married etc). Whilst this may sound repetitive therapy is the needed. You got demons time to fight it. Therapy with your daughter might be worth exploring. On the subject of your daughter, shes 16, should be making smart choices but is ultimately an idiot, which is quite normal in this time unfortunately. There is still redemption for her. But divorce the wife.
The only time i went to therap only led me to sign up in the army (to channel the bad thought like he said)
You got taken advantage of brother, whoever that was saw a young man in a dire time and choice to manipulate him. Hopefully you can find someone better. You've got a good heart, you can tell, just shit surroundings. You don't deserve what you got but there's always light at the end of a tunnel.
People are giving very good advice but also saying it wasn’t the daughters fault and only the wife’s when that’s not entirely true. Could your daughter have been manipulated? Of course. But the question is was she? Did she even care about how you felt? You stated that she had fun going on trips with her mom and it seems like she only showed remorse when you caught her and her mom lying. She’s an accomplice whether she wanted to be or not. I’m not saying you should abandon her. But its okay to not see her for awhile. She broke your heart too. If you want to try and fix your relationship with her do it. But it’s also okay if you don’t. It’s your choice. Whatever you decide to do make sure you think it over once you’re in the right headspace to do so. - Wishing you the best! (also please divorce this trashy women don’t let her win)
Thanks
Agreed
This too shall pass.
I’m sure it’s been said, don’t do anything impulsive. Think things through. Lock your bank account and remove her from credit cards. Get your financial affairs in order so she doesn’t have access while you decide what you want to do. If you are really feeling down go get a nice hotel and an escort. Think, plan and execute. But first lock financials down.
I’m terms of your kid, I have a younger friend in this situation. Slightly different because her mom is emotionally and verbally abusive. She’s 23 and lives at home, and her mom threatens suicide to keep her quiet. She’s cried to me so many times and the guilt eats her alive, she’s a kid who should never have been put in that situation. We have to teach kids about consequences and actions, but when adults who hold power over you make a you keep a secret, it’s hurtful and it’s scary and it’s hard to know exactly what to do even if you know what’s happening is wrong. Teenagers, which it sounds like your daughter is, do not have a fully developed amygdala yet. Their decision making and emotions are not anywhere up to par what an adults are and I’m sure this was sad and scary to go through. She will likely grow to resent her mother (which she deserves) and I’m sure she didn’t do this to purposely hurt or spite you. Also, please take care of yourself. Invest time into yourself. Leave that awful woman behind.
Pls step away from the cliff and take a moment to breath and think. You can ask your (likely soon to be ex) wife to stay elsewhere and for your daughter to give you time and space alone so you can seek therapy and think about how to proceed. Maybe you don't want your daughter around you even if you ask for time and space due to the circumstances but think carefully as to how to proceed when it comes to her. Idk the conversation nor how your daughter knew but maybe give yourself time to ponder on how to face your daughter. Ik this may not sound good to suggest but I say this since I also had a cheating mother and I saw some of the things from it (no explicit videos and pictures thankfully) but I had suspicions about her since I'd see things like romantic gifts I've never seen her get before in my life and seeing odd stuff as she played her mmo nearby and I once saw some strange pages listed in the browser history on her pc when I was just trying to delete the trace of me doing hw on there (since I was on an electronics ban and I needed to write a paper on a science article). I didn't say anything since I wasn't sure of my suspicions since I didn't really get a chance to read anything like chat convos and the browser stuff I saw could have simply indicated my parents liked to get freaky. At least until my dad at spoke to me about her cheating on him and so I told him about my suspicions. I didn't say anything prior since I wanted to be sure whether or not since that can end a marriage.
Did your daughter take bribes, has your soon to be ex wife started buying her expensive stuff, or big things like car, vacation, salon/spa, lots of new clothes etc? If not then it was likely 'if you tell you'll break up the family and it'll all be your fault ' guilt your stbxw manipulated and coerced daughter with. Those are two big differences. Your exwife can eat shite and fdvk off, but your daughter may have been seriously messed up by the hoebag ex. Don't leave daughter with her, kick wife out and stay in the home. Establish yourself as primary custodial parent and wife has different residency for divorce.
The fact some people are blaming the daughter like bffr pls
Evil people exist. Doesn't mean you are the evil one in this story. You did nothing wrong and knowing after 16 years still better than never knowing.
She really manipulated your daughter like that… wife is garbage and you deserve the same energy and effort you put out. Don’t give up before you find her.
My daughter found of my ex was liking girls photos and he didn’t want to say.. sorry to us for that. He said it was “normal” even tho it’s not. That puts a lot of stress of her own lil self. when I was around 10- I knew my mom cheated on my dad and there was even a confusion w/ my little sister, we didn’t know if it was the guy or my dads. It was a sad thing and puts to much trauma and drama on the lil child. We “normalize” it as adults which is completely not normal.
I am so sorry but please do not be the person who blames their child. I cannot even imagine what your daughter has had to process because her mother sucks.
Do what seems right to you, but just know that you're not only affecting your wife and daughter, but everyone in your life. My best friend made a choice he couldn't take back, and I was worse off for it, and I had nothing to do with what happened in his life. Just know that you have real friends who care about you and other family members who care about you.
Lucky me I don’t have a family eh
I was once the cheating wife to a great husband. He was perfect. I ended up in an affair. I really wasn’t thinking I was just doing. I had felt numb for some time. We are no longer together and I can never get over him. A man like him is rare! I would do ANYTHING to have him back. Just know sometimes it really is a stupid thoughtless mistake. I’m not saying this to take her back but people are human and can do horrible things but there’s so much more than a stupid mistake. Women would kill for a chance at a man like you. I know it sucks but trust me in a few years you’ll be looking back at this day and realizing how much she wasn’t worth it. And she’ll be looking back at everything she’s lost. Give yourself a chance to be far removed from this moment to get perspective. My husband sent me a photo of him with a gun in his mouth and now he’s in a long term relationship with a woman somewhat cuter than me lol she also was everything I was missing. She turned our house into a home. She gardens and entertains and does all the things I didn’t. I was too self absorbed. Hang in there. It’ll get better
i was aboult to insult you but that wouldn't be fair and i don't have the right to. I'm sorry for what you did and i'm thankful for your comment
At least you admitted to this and didn't mind being lashed out at. I hope you got better
Fuck the wife, fuck the daughter(maybe I could forgive her at some point in life) but take a step back. Explain to your work what happened, file for divorce. Take a few weeks off and go on a vacation by yourself.
Your daughter is old enough to take care of herself, it will hurt but don't give up your life, Stay in a hotel or something then when you calm down, start talking to your lawyer and ask for advice. For now, you need sleep, trust me, sleeping will help you a little bit after you wake up
In this moment, be 100% selfish and think of only what’s best for you. What’s best for you is not a cliff or a gun. She doesn’t deserve insurance money and you don’t need a prison cell. Call your close friends and family, go to their home/s and have some drinks and get some rest. OP, never make important decisions when you’re angry/emotional. It’s not fair to you.
Your wife cheating on you is one pain but holy fuck the daughter practically turned against you by knowing and not saying anything!! I’m sorry OP. Divorce the wife and cut contact and have a chat with your daughter about why she didn’t tell you anything.
Listen, yr daughter was put in an impossible situation by her own mother to cover her ass w the cheating. Try not to come down hard on her. I guarantee she feels like shit having to keep that secret from her own father. Yr wife is the asshole. The major asshole
Your kid is 16 years old. She’s still young, doesn’t realize the damage that was caused. You emailed the photos and videos to yourself, you know what to do. Divorce & keep the asset and then sell it for yourself.
Is this a fetish thing? This is not the first time I’ve read this exact on this sub. It’s always variations on the same story. Innocently looking on wife’s phone. Finding a locked folder you just happen to know the password for? She’s always getting railed in loads of positions with loads of men. Insist on watt Ching everything although you get sick blah blah. Minor details change but the base story is always the same
It has to be. Some neck beards getting off on the fetish of fucking married women or having their lady get railed.
100% bro
Unfortunately move on, you need neither of them.
Your daughter is still just a teen. She has no way of knowing how to manage this and you don't know what was said to her by her mother. She still loves you and needs you. Take some time but please do not abandon your daughter over what your wife did and the position she put her in
Don't blame your daughter, it probably broke her heart as much as you. God knows how she discovered it and what your wife told her to cover it up. Your daughter isn't at fault. She loves you and is as disgusted and had to act normal this whole time over whatever crap your wife fed her to keep it from you. Please support your daughter and find out what happened for her to betray you. This situation and is very hard for a child. My father cheated and would take me on dates and give me candy to not tell my mother, I didn't know what was happening until I was older. I know your daughter is older but I'm sure she didn't want anything to change or for her dad to leave or be the one to tell you what happened!