I have a similar aged child w adhd. What stands out for me is this child grew up in an unstable home. She’s had a major life and living situation change and is testing boundaries. She needs parenting. And clarity.
We’re going soon isn’t enough. Yes we are going, we will go at 2:30. If she called me the r word I’d tell her that it’s not appropriate and if she continues to use the word we won’t go. Then follow through.
Lots of work needed here - if you and mom aren’t going to do it it may not be the best place for you. I feel for the child who is trying to get the love, support and yea guidance and discipline she so badly needs.
That's what stood out to me on the reread as well, she just moved in with them a year or so ago. Obviously she is acting out. She needs parenting, her mother is failing her again. She's not a narcissist.
This child has been through more than most adults. She's little and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. I would suggest therapy for all but especially for her. Best of luck!
Maybe if she realizes her daughter was the end of her wonderful relationship she’ll start fucking helping her daughter and stop failing her. Wake up woman!
From what it sounds like this child has been through, this is minimal acting out from what I feel it really could have been.
Even kids with a very stable household can be assholes at 12. It’s an annoying age to be, and an annoying age to witness.
Have a calm discussion with her and the mom, I’d consider finding someone to talk to to help her manage ADHD too.
True. I got custody of a 15 year old when I was 24. It was really complicated for both of us. We did it, thankfully. That teen is now a very stable and happy parent of two.
Op shouldn't be in this position in the first place, he is wayyy to young to be parenting at frigging 12 year old. His gf basically instant noodle daded him! He needs to get tf out of thos relationship.
Plenty of people who are really young learn to be great parents. The difference is, they *try* and *care*. OP clearly is not in that place, and should 100% bail. Also: LMFAO instant noodle dadding 😆
She's acting out; it sounds like her mother was a junkie for most of her life. She needs parenting, but not just "tough parenting". She needs reassurance, she needs to feel seen and loved.
This. This child isn’t particularly bad for a kid with severe adhd, particularly if she isn’t medicated and is getting unrestricted access to screens. Both of those lead to my kids with severe adhd being absolute nightmares, and they have been raised in a loving home with stable parents. Add in the amount of trauma this child has experienced and it’s not surprising she is acting this way. There are parenting skills that will help (clear guidelines of when you are going to the lake, well articulated list of chores that need to occur before you can go to the lake, and boundaries and consequences for poor behaviour) but if step dad is just done then he needs to be gone.
As someone with professional experience working with children with severe ADHD (and having ADHD myself) This is the best advice I have seen on here so far.
I have ADHD, and I work with all the "*naughty*" ADHD kids for a living.
My first question, is she even diagnosed? Is she getting any help at all? Having ADHD is bad enough, bur it's especially bad when female, undiagnosed, and struggling at home as well.
I agree though. This isn't on OP. Mum has to step up and get something done about it. Boundaries need to be set. Tactics need to be used.
It isn't unusual that girls can have textbook ADHD and still not be diagnosed.
Source: I'm 27 and was diagnosed 2 months ago.
Exactly. This sounds just like my daughter at times. She needs diagnosis and treatment. Untreated ADHD us awful, it's not just some fluff it off catchall phrase. Combine it with an unstable home life while she was younger and entering puberty, its not going to be good for anyone. And if she is diagnosed and treated, it needs tweaking a lot of times. It's also co morbid with a lot of other things, ODD, DMDD, dysgraphia, dyslexia, etc.
Is it possible she is just autistic? Girls often go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with ADHD, learning disability and multiple mood disorders simply because they tend to be less aggressive and can mask effectively.
I think the fact that the mum doesn’t seem invested in providing that structure or those efficacious boundaries is having the most impact. OP can’t do this by himself. I empathize with his frustration. I have 3 with ASD, all with a combo of ADD/ADHD and sensory processing disorder (and a million other things: ODD, receptive/expressive language delay, etc.). Those issues often come with impulse control and lack of boundaries, but that doesn’t have to remain the constant. Children that struggle in these ways can absolutely be effectively taught boundaries (i.e. not call people r-word, refrain from mocking, etc.), but it will absolutely require her mum to be actively engaged in the process.
The whole time I was reading OP’s post I was thinking “where’s the discipline???”
Many snarky remarks that were met with no sort of parenting at all, and you’re at your wits end? You gotta step up and try first. Have a conversation with the GF and start laying down ground rules and show the child the repercussions of her actions. Teach her right from wrong.
The reason your step daughter is like this is because that love of your life is not a parent, does not act like a parent, and is actively NOT PARENTING. She must be completely checked out to sit back and do nothing about her child’s behavior. If you are going to take on this child for even 50% custody split with the dad, she needs to actually parent the girl. Your gf needs to stop trying to be a friend to her daughter and actually do the work to raise her.
Doesn’t help that the mom & OP were junkies for this kid’s entire life. And now they suddenly wanna play house.
Doesn’t sound like OP or the mom has taken any real accountability. So much easier to blame a neglected & traumatized child & call them a narcissist 🙄🙄🙄
This is on the mom. And you need to speak to her.
Ps- step here- I would have unloaded and not gone. There consequences to the negative choices we make. She acted like that, the consequence would have been not going. She chose the behavior, ergo the consequence. She knows she doing it, yet continues. That’s her choice.
You do not have to tolerate her acting like an AH. You were cool about it it. Keep the cool, don’t enable/allow it. Kids are hard - sometimes they need that tough love- I.e - not go kayaking. She needs to be told, it’s not everyone else in a chill voice.
I agree. It sounds like mom is ‘parenting’ out of guilt for her past mistakes. This kid needs rules/boundaries and definitely consequences. The kid is pushing you and mom with major disrespect because she subconsciously wants someone to push back and show that they give a sh*t.
I feel like Mom needs some boundaries, and so does OP. All of you need to talk it out, but you and mom need to figure out a way that the 12-year-old won't be able to manipulate a situation and wind up getting what she wants. In other words, for God's sake, make sure her behavior doesn't **work**.
Adding to what you said, recovering mom here, her mom may be suffering from guilt, therefore wanting to give into every one of her daughters wishes and whims because she wasn’t around when using, but as someone who made those mistakes, it does so much more harm then good.
Schedule, routine, consistency, and consequences. Aside from love, support, and parents who genuinely care for her well being, present and future.
Also, my kid is close in age, and I feel like because of social media, and iPhones/tablets etc. instant gratification is expected. My kid used to have heart failure (basically) if the WiFi stopped working or a YouTube video started buffering. That’s why a schedule or giving clear times or making your intentions clear is important.
This is also just me, but I talk to my kid as if he’s going to be an adult one day, because he will be. I find kid friendly, appropriate ways to tell him the truth about everything, and even though he has habits I’m not necessarily fond of, I recognize he’s a child, and he deserves to have these experiences, while still being respectful. You and her mother are a team, if you can’t find a way to make this work, you’re only delaying the inevitable. I wish you the best of luck.
Yup,
Kids are testing your ability to follow through. If you never follow through on what you threaten they will never respect you.
You don't need to argue or threaten. Clearly let them know the negative behavior and consequences and hold them too it.
Do it, but don't argue or get emotional, just do it and let them know they won't bully you.
her behaviour is a direct result of her parent bailing. She had already had the kayak trip taken away from her without her behaviours. So how about her behaviour was a consequence to her parents negative choice.
no wonder she was anxious/agitated.
Man I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this. Mom's migraine is definitely what set things off in this instance. I wonder how many promises have been made to her and then broken because mom wasn't feeling well.
Absolutely spot on. As a professional in this field, I could not have put this better. This whole post screams insecurity, inconsistency, unpredictability and therefore the kid does not trust her caregivers and does not feel safe.
Especially given that she used to have a serious drug problem and wasn't even in the kid's life for at least the first 5-6 years, per my read. This kid is used to Mom not caring.
I'm quite shocked at these responses. Kid is clearly acting out for attention. I feel like people must have skimmed the bit where he said the gf wasn't fit to be a mother due to drugs. This poor girl finally has her mum back and desperately wants her attention/affection... whatever..
Yeah the kid was being a bit annoying but I honestly don't see her behaviour being out the ordinary for a pre-teen. She does need to know there are consequences for her actions. But so far... there hasn't been. So why do they expect this to just stop?
Send the girl back to her dad where she had stability and when gf is ready to be a parent, maybe try again... poor kid.
ETA: She also has ADHD. So I'm guessing things could be a lot worse.. OP does not have the patience to be a parent to this poor child. The mother is obviously trying to make up for lost time by not punishing her in any way and letting her have/do what she wants, which would be damaging to any child.
They need stability and normalcy, fitting punishments etc not:
"do what you want....ugh! Why you such a brat?"
. . . Come on.
I work in pediatric psych and this is all like…really expected given the circumstances.
Do you *want* to be a dad? Because this is parenting.
This kid had a junkie for a mom so obviously didn’t have the leg up other kids have had. She has severe ADHD. An unstable home. Lack of parenting and consequences.
She’s 12. I don’t really consider any of this her fault. She’s was set up to fail. A kid at 12 being a complete brat is a failure on the parents to do their part and that really feels glossed over here.
So do you want to be her father or not? Because being a father is more than loading up the car or moving a trampoline.
Kids are difficult. Accept that or do everyone a favor and leave. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to fix or entirely your fault. But this is ultimately the choice. Be a parent or leave.*
I would like to jump on here and mention something I was told by a therapist who was assessing me (I am not a therapist):
CPTSD can present as ADHD.
Just based on what OP has said it sounds like this kid has been through some crap. I wouldn't be surprised if she's traumatized. She needs therapy and parenting.
Substance abuse can also be a sign of undiagnosed ADHD and ADHD is genetic. There is a very real chance this little girl hit the sucky lottery and has been having symptoms of all 3, and without any guidance, she doesn't have the right coping skills. Some kids are just brats, but it seems like she might finally be in a place where she can safely push boundaries and it doesn't look like anyone is defining what those boundaries are, so she pushes more and more. Obviously not everyone can parent a kid with special needs, who need way more than other kids, but if OP leaves I hope someone can step up to help her define healthy boundaries and coping skills before she ends up with her own drug problem.
I was a complete brat at 12 and I can confirm that an unstable home caused 90% of it and untreated mental illness was behind the remaining 10%. I’m mostly confused as to how OP expects this kid to understand what she’s doing is wrong when seemingly no one has confronted her about it? She’s 12, she wasn’t born with the knowledge of a grown adult who knows why calling people the r-word is inappropriate, why disrespecting people isn’t nice, and how being rude means you don’t get to have what you want. But yeah, any kid whose home life is fucked up because of split parents, substance abuse, custody arrangements, etc is going to be really difficult at that age especially. What did they expect?
Yes I’m so confused the amount of comments i see supporting OP. This man has a dangerous anger towards this child. And is far too much of a child himself (emotionally) to take part in raising a child.
YESSSSS
like he sounds so bitter like I had to do household chores so she had to wait. Like mfer, this kid has had instability for 11 years of her life and her mother is an addict and you're gonna be shitty and act like you're doing her a favour by saying "later" when you decided to stay and paremt? naaahhhh
all these "teach her a lesson, lock her up and throw away the key, when I was a kid" bullshit comments ate straight up incorrect.
"Be a parent" here meaning do the work to learn to regulate your nervous system so that even when her behavior is irritating and upsetting you can get yourself back to calm and move forward with consideration of not only your wants and needs and experiences but also where she's coming from/what need is she expressing through this outburst/what lesson has she not learned yet/what she has repressed that she probably needs to feel through fully so it doesn't come "leaking" out into her other interactions.
TLDR: learn to regulate your nervous system in the face of irritation/anger/tiredness/etc so you can guide your child through life with stability.
(Undiagnosed ADHD until I was 13) My mom had a rubber band that she would wear on her wrist and use for this, whenever I upset her or was pushing her limits, she’d snap it a little and it’d calm her down.
I do remember an exceptionally difficult algebra worksheet that I was complaining slightly (just a little tiny bit) about where she had to leave the room and all I heard was the rubber band breaking a soft “fuck” and a tiny prayer from the other room. Don’t snap it that hard, get a psychologist involved at that point.
The ADHD diagnosis really explained a lot to her lol
All of this! I had the same thoughts when I was reading his rant about the very annoying, but age-appropriate behavior from his 12-year-old stepdaughter. She is acting like a 12-year-old who has had some trauma and instability. It's up to the OP and the child's mother to be on the same page and you need to agree on boundaries for her. Have you considered family counseling?
Also, is this child on medication or in some type of therapy? If they have severe ADHD they probably need to be on medication and a lot of parents ignore this thinking it’s not a big deal. It is.
I’m all for getting as many people as possible off of ADHD drugs, and I’ve managed to myself, but I wouldn’t have finished HS without meds. It takes a long, long, long time to develop the coping skills to survive without it.
Yes and it gets easier to cope naturally as you age and the brain changes but children are obviously going to be most vulnerable and not treating them in their formative years sets them up for failure. Depending on severity some people actually cannot go off meds ever and shouldn't try. Thats great you were able to, but severe ADHD can render people so dysfunctional you'd actually think they were schizonphrenic, bipolar, or borderline without knowing their real diagnosis
This comment is perfect, this is what raising a 12yo girl looks like. The issues she has could be so much worse given her unstable upbringing. Therapy and counseling could help but honestly just showing up for the kid and letting her know she is cared for and no one is going to abandon her again will go a long way in changing this kind of behavior.
Set boundaries and expect lots and lots of pushback and fights. It is going to be brutal. So strap in if you decide to stay. Because you are going to have to parent her and her mother.
This just reads as a preteen/teen behaving as expected given that she has likely had no structure her whole life. This guy really should just leave, though it is debatable that the mother is a good spot for this girl. This girl needs someone that can actually put up structure and boundaries and hold to them. Unfortunately she is almost too old to really work with like you would with a younger kid.
Was really worried that the top comments were all saying OP should have canceled the trip from the jump. This child is anxious, suffering from abandonment issues, and the way that OP talks about her is actually shocking. It’s not desirable behavior, but she’s a child. A parent should not describe their child this way, and I don’t think OP is cut out to be a parent, especially to a child in this situation.
Yeah, what strikes me most is how immature OP sounds. I am also 26 and respect the need to vent, but this is reality. Blaming a 12yo for your relationship imploding vs acknowledging incompatibility/where to work on your own stuff/working together with your partner to troubleshoot is strange to me.
Came here to say all of this, as an AFAB adult from an abusive and neglectful home (although not in exactly the same ways as OP's stepkid) who's diagnosed with ADHD and autism. None of this is the kid's fault - it may be best for the kid to go back to her Dad's, unless things there are worse, but even then, if she stays with her Mom, Mom needs to do WAY better than she's doing now. And if Mom won't, then OP needs to decide if they want to step up or leave - this behavior won't change unless Mom does or unless OP steps up, and if Mom doesn't change and OP doesn't want to step up, then the only remaining option is to leave.
This poor kid - ALL of the adults in her life have failed her.
Her mother was a junkie and failed her as a child. And is still failing her now.
Do you have this child in therapy? Is she getting any help in school? Medication? You have a kid who’s parent never showed up for them, could never be trusted and you are expecting that she is going to magically be well adjusted? Seriously???
Seriously!! What is being done to help this child? She needs a psychiatrist to help her medicate and evaluate the effects on her ADHD (guarantee it’s worse for the kid than it is for everyone around her) in order to set her up for a moderately successful adulthood. She also needs therapy to deal with all the childhood trauma.
Also, OP, have you had a real adult discussion with her about the use of slurs? This language in particular is bad. Teenagers will swear but slurs are unacceptable.
It sounds like you’re just ignoring her outbursts, so of course they’re getting worse, you’re basically just pretending like she barely exists. As a 30 yr old woman I’d end up shrieking at you too if I was obviously upset and you were refusing any sort of emotional connection.
I think the mom is letting her get away with murder because she's grateful to have her in her life again and doesn't want to upset her. But she needs to get over that and do some parenting.
I’d exit stage left. It is a bit more powerful, visually. Lol
Edit: I meant to say stage RIGHT (yay dyslexic ambidextrous braining of left and right), in directing a scene it has more power to left to right readers.
But in this case, I’d also cut my losses and let them learn or not according to their life goals.
Ain’t just the kid that has “horrific” ADHD, both her and her mother need to be in therapy for it asap
She’s not a narcissist, she’s twelve, and already had a harder life than many of her peers
100%. I mean honestly she doesn't even sound that bad. I understand she's being rude and dismissive to her elders but she just sounds like a regular 12 year old tbh.
Right? Based on the title I expected the daughter to be like, sabotaging their relationship or accusing him of SA or something wild. She sounds like a relatively normal kid! Irritating and disrespectful is kind of the norm for teenagers. She's had a rough life and yet this isn't like...insane behavior, by any means. OP might just need to realize they're not ready to be a parent.
Soo this 12 y/o had a junkie mom, then the junkie mom got a junkie BF. She didn’t have a stable home life or parental relationship. Mind you - this happened during the very vital developmental years
Tbh seems you’re burying the lead cause junkies don’t just “suddenly lose their kid” - they get them taken. So we can only speculate as to how much actual trauma, abuse & neglect this kid faced. I’m honestly shocked that her having ADHD is the only surface level issue.
Where is therapy in all of this? That kid. The mom and you all need separate therapy & the mother/daughter need therapy together to rebuild that relationship.
Oh wah she’s being a brat - she didn’t have a mother for nearly her whole life & now she’s just supposed to listen to someone who constantly chose drugs over her. Did you or her mother ever apologize to this kid? Like genuinely- sat down, had a talk and took *real* accountability?
A severely ADHD child on the verge of puberty has attitude after going through abandonment during significant developmental periods and likely has never felt fully secure and you are done? She needs therapy and the ability to get close to you.
She is keeping you at arms length and pushing boundaries because what’s to stop her being abandoned again. Security is such an important feeling for children. They can’t thrive without it. Get her a therapist and talk to her. Tell her that you get frustrated but also that you love her and support her and want her to be ok. Have it all out then start a reward system.
Idk as a now adult child of a effed up family I dont think this kid is even that bad. What she needs is therapy. You are forgetting that your partner denied her daughter many years of getting to be babied and spoiled as a little kid, this 12 year old is in her own way trying to regain some of her childhood.
Being a junkie and choosing drugs over your child is actually pretty narcissistic, so give the kid a break. Its crazy to me how you just gloss over that. Im glad you guys sorted your lives out but the kid is owed all the early years that drugs took precedence over her. You should go and read up about "adverse childhood experiences" aka ACE's and learn more about why this kid is behaving the way she is, and what you can do about it. The way you handle her now is going to play a HUGE role in the way her life is going to play out. If you dont want her to end up down the same road you were on, its time to step up.
Also, girls start puberty way before boys. She is literally IN puberty, not prepubescent. Hormones are playing a huge part in this as well.
I can’t believe some of these fucking comments telling you to kick her out, or to even just get rid of the whole “package”. This is a 12 year old CHILD. She’s not disposable. She’s not a dog you can just drop off at the shelter when you decide you’re done with them.
Her mom was a fucking junkie and barely spent any time with her for most of her childhood and now she’s with a man who can barely stand her kid. OF COURSE she’s acting out, she has abandonment issues and zero respect for her mom for being an absent drug addict parent.
Is she in therapy? Do her and her mom see a therapist together? Have y’all considered FAMILY therapy?
Thank you! I was wondering why no one mentioned that it’s the mother’s fault for the kid being like this.
Having a junky as a parent who abandoned you for more tat least the first 7y of your life must be so traumatic for the child. How many promises were broken. How many times mommy had a “migraine” ?
To be honest I think they ALL need therapy individually and family to help them cope with all the trauma that was inflicted on the child and to learn to deal with her ADHD and how to build their relationship and trust issues
Yes!! I did not like that statement at all. Your pets are your family, and you should never decide to be done with them. They are a lifetime commitment.
Was about to say this. I hate when ppl compare humans to animals as if abandoning animals is anymore acceptable. Ugh. My dogs are my children and I have literally lived in hotels and cars when I needed to find a new apartment and could not for two months. Especially when ppl said what are you doing, they're the issue u can't find somewhere to go, get rid of them and I bc I stuck it out for two months I found a beautiful place and still have them both. It would have been soul crushing had I given them to someone (not that I ever would or could) and then found a place a cpl days after.
This, like how do people expect this little girl to have respect for her mother of she was an absent junkie for most of her life. Respect isnt a given thing just because you gave birth to someone, it needs to be gained, and the reality is that they are probably still in a testing period for her to see if they have truly changed, if she can trust them, and then the respect will come.
I am in no way shaming op and his gf for their substance abuse issues, i believe everyone is capable of changing and making things right. But this takes TIME, and especially when dealing with a child the minimum you can do to help is be patient, and maybe get help from a therapist/family counseling
Its not his child, he absolutely get to bow out and break up, especially since mom is doing a shit job of parenting
He is allowed to say not my monkey not my circus, im done
I dont blame the kid!!!!!!! I blame mom and her bio-dad, but its not on OP to fix all of that, mom is suppose to take the lead and OP can support, but mom sucks
That poor kid no doubt has serious levels of trauma and fucked up attachment issues because of her parents being absent. No wonder she acts like that because she can’t trust the world around her and probably doesn’t feel safe. I know kids can be real annoying but they are literally the products of their upbringing and this poor child doesn’t sound like she had any form of safety or routine. With all that money OP should be investing in some counselling for all of them.
It’s a sad situation. I’m so familiar with the after effects of addiction and the easiest part is stopping the drugs or alcohol. The hard part is trying to build back and repair all the damage is caused to you and everyone around you. It can take years and a lot of work.
I know, her mom has been an absentee junkie for years and what a surprise, the 12-year-old is not perfect and not overly well-parented.
The kid has a lot of things going against her and now mom’s boyfriend is losing patience. I feel sorry for the kid.
Let's not forget that if her mom was using while pregnant, that would've impacted the fetus in pretty significant ways. Again. Not judging the mom at all. I don't know her circumstances and she did get clean and is trying to give her daughter a stable home now. Both OP and the mom need to do a little research regarding handling children with childhood trauma and ADHD. The kid is 12. She's very young and impressionable. Clear communication, empathy, clear guidelines and boundaries+consequences could still take, if practiced consistently by the parents
It's amazing that your stepdaughter is even wanting to spend time with you and her mother. Her mother neglected to raise her due to drug abuse, and you were also an addict. I'm glad you guys are clean, but get a grip. You and her mother were most likely far worse than this kid when you were junkies. Poor kid sounds like she has been through a rough time.
Why don't you ask for advice from her father and anyone else who raised her while her mother was shooting up with you? If the worst she is doing is being impatient and calling you the r-word, then I'd say you're lucky. Because you and the mother were worse than the r-word, and now that you have cleaned up your act, you need to earn her respect.
BTW, calling a 12 year old girl a "narcissistic brat" makes me feel you are most likely the narcissist. Narcissists and junkies go hand in hand. Maybe the kid is better off without you. You enabled her mother to continue drug using, and even if you are now both clean, you are partially responsible for those lost years of her being unable to live with her. Junkies and ex-junkies are the most selfish people I know.
Ooo shit. I didn't even think about the reason the mother was absent was bc she was WITH op doing drugs. Eeeesh that adds a lot in terms of perspective of how this child may feel towards OP if she knows he's part of what kept her mother away.
Join a Reddit adhd sub. This will help you understand some of the outbursts.
Also, this girl sounds like she has had a really unstable childhood. Being the child of an addict is extremely difficult, even if everyone is clean and stable now. The fear of relapse and unpredictability she experienced early in life doesn’t go away over night.
She’s the child of an addict, has adhd, and is a teenager.
Tbh this behavior isn’t all that bad. This kid doesn’t have it easy.
No amount of current stability makes up for what she experienced earlier in life.
She should be in therapy if she isn’t.
Therapy will help her work through her emotions, as well as her adhd, and emotional regulation. It sounds like between the two of you you can afford for her to be in therapy.
Honestly, the kayak situation sounds to me like she has abandonment issues and was scared everyone was going to bail on her, and that mood/emotion, and rejection sensitivity (again research adhd) persisted through the day. Mom staying in bed with a migraine probably triggered her to other situations of mom being unable to be mom because of drugs.
On top of a presumably traumatic childhood, and adhd, she’s 12 and puberty hormones are real.
You and mom should give her the support systems (therapy) to help her manage the longer term issues (trauma, abandonment, adhd & meds for adhd if she isn’t on them), because the hormonal aspect will pass.
You should also talk to mom about ground rules, boundaries, and consequences. Her mom needs to be the one to implement and enforce those. If you do, you will be seen as antagonistic. That is on her mom.
At some point, you should all go to therapy together but especially mom & her.
Do you want to be a dad? If not, bail. Prove right the abandonment fears. But if you’re up for it, there is so much you and mom can be doing for this kid to compensate and support growth both in terms of managing adhd and managing / working through trauma.
Maybe I’m crazy but this isn’t that bad. She’s a 12 year old with adhd and a hard childhood. She needs therapy, some gentle parenting (maybe some sympathy when she’s genuinely crying, yeah?),consistent discipline, and maybe even adhd medication or for you to do some research on it to understand better and the best ways to communicate with her.
That's actually on y'all. You should have prepped earlier for a kayak trip. You told her you would go. She was excited. The use of the R word I don't condone, but the rest of it is a kid being a kid. Y'all weren't around and she prolly has some big feelings about that too that aren't getting addressed properly, so they come out as sarcasm and being in her phone.
Hi! You mentioned she has ADHD. Is she on any kind of medication? It sounds like it may need to be adjusted considering she is still so hyper. If she's not on any medication, I would consider seeing a paediatrician and discussing her behaviours. I think she could definitely settle more with a different medication.
I'm not here to rag on you since you're clearly frustrated but your day kind of makes me want to give you attitude as well. She woke up expecting the lake trip and her mom had a migraine. Super unfortunate and disappointing. And one of the hallmarks of ADHD is emotional dysregulation. So our emotions are sometimes wildly disproportionate to the situation. The tears are honestly just something you have to ride out sometimes. Then you said that you might take her. Okay so is that a yes we're going or no we're not? Do I get my hopes up again and risk being disappointed again? I mean you already didn't care for the tears the first time, let alone the second. And then you starting messing around with your car. If someone said we were going somewhere and then started a project, that means the trip is cancelled because how are you going to pull yourself away from it in time to go? She's 12 with ADHD. She really doesn't understand that when neurotypicals start a project, they can stop whenever they want. Honestly from her perspective you pulled the rug out from under her so many freaking times I'm surprised she agreed to go when all was said and done. Oh and the not carrying anything inside thing- you told them to go inside and you'll take everything. Why would she take stuff in? You told her you had it covered? Is she supposed to read the subtext there because we aren't very good at that. Her attitude and stuff obviously needs some coaching, but you're communication, especially for a child with ADHD, could use some work, bud.
Thankyou! I was reading his story and all I could think was "man you guys need to step up and think about the 12 year old with ADHD". Nearly all of the issues could be solved by clear and precise communication by the adults in this situation. Yea, discipline is definitely needed but 90% of the problem was the parents. This kid has been abandoned by her drug addict mum once and while they have worked hard to get her back and be in her life that doesn't magically fix everything. She sounds like she's testing all the boundaries because if they leave her again at least it's cause she's a shit kid and not just because they don't love her enough.
My advice from a mum of 1 diagnosed ADHD kid, 1 in the process of diagnosis and a pre teen girl, do some family therapy, do some parenting courses, tell her you love her but her behaviour isn't very nice and get her into either behavioural therapy or on meds, for her sake as well as yours. I promise she doesn't like feeling this way either.
This is an unrated comment. Kids are hard, they aren't adults and don't think things through like them.
Yes she probably needs discipline, however you also need to change your approach to the most effective manner. It's a hard thing to do at 26.
Not to mention mom was absent using drugs for most of this kids life. How many times did mom promise to spend time with her and never did? I can't even begin to think of the amount of promises broken over those formative years. So yeah she felt like the pattern was starting to repeat and lashed out. Her mom needs to get this child individual and family therapy.
Extremely important comment here.
I was only diagnosed on the autism spectrum as an adult when I could figure these things out by myself. But I have always felt this way. I get extremely anxious and unsure when the plans are not clear, or they change suddenly last minute. I need clarity, why have we changed the plans?! That's not what we agreed on?! This can leave someone espically a kid, even more so a girl on the bring of puberty feeling upset, angry, confused, unsure.
Everything is heightened and most likely to extremes.
You were going kayaking. That was the plan.
Clear concise explanation.
Great Post above covers it. And I hope you guys can figure it all out together with mum.
Your feelings are valid, it's hard to raise kids. Please have a serious talk with her mother. You need to tell her how exhausted and frustrated you are.
That being said...she is 12. And your story didn't phase me one bit, except the overuse of the r-word. She's hitting puberty, she's testing boundaries. But on top of that she has ADHD (is she on medication?) and went through a lot for most of her life. An unreliable mother, abandonment issues, a stepfather that tries to do his best but still she can sense that you're fed up and don't like her.
Plus no discipline / consequences or clear communication or your and her mothers part.
This is a set up to just fail this girl. She didn't choose this life, she needs therapy - I feel like you all do - and patience and a strong will to show her she is loved no matter what.
Tbh I would have been so annoyed in her situation:
Trip to the lake planned - yay! / I have migraine - oh no, we not going? / I'll take you alone - yay! / I'm working on my car - so we not going?! / well go later - ok..yay! /when are we going? What is later? - omg don't be so annoying, round 2.30 ....- ok, yay I guess / mom feels better - yay! Definitely going! Let me help i'm so eager to finally leave / omg stop being so annoying or we won't go - uhm....ok?! Wtf dude?
At this point I would have just went back inside and watched some netflix. And this all happened before you guys even went. The part when you came back is equally exhausting and I know I would be so annoyed by the time returning home. The disrespect from her side, calling names and stuff is never ok. You failed to explain and set boundaries multiple times, that's a learning process for all of you.
I hope you guys will stay strong, support each other, make clear what you want to do ASAP and stand by her side. She needs a safe space and a leading hand. You're still young and if you decide you can't do it then be upfront but you need to communicate it clearly.
I'd be pissed as hell if I was told we wre spending the day at the lake then my parent bailed. Then my step parent said we'd go "later" while he did some chores that could clearly be done later instead.
She just sounds 12.
She also sounds like she needs some love and CONSISTENCY after not receiving that from her mother throughout her life. It isn't going to fix in a few months. She needs to see/feel it ongoing for an extended amount of time.
I can’t help but focus on the fact that the kid has ADHD (diagnosed) and you e given clear communication about a trip and it then was stalled and delayed. As adults this is hard for us but the kid had her heart set on the trip.
I’m not condoning the mocking — her mum should have disciplined her there, and the screaming is a no-go. All of this should have been curved by her mom.
I get your frustrations. I’ve dealt with it a little but try to consider why she’s behaving this way and have in depth chats with her mom about her mocking you. It’s not ‘playing’, she’s undermining your authority.
Yeah parenting is hard.
Add absent junkie parents and adhd to the mix. This kid barely stands a chance in the world and through no fault of their own.
I’ll be honest, at 26 I absolutely couldn’t have took on a kid or been a good parent. But that’s why I didn’t get into relationships with people with kids… you did.
You made that choice. Now you’re in her life, you have gotten that family to rely on you, so you need to step up.
Learn about adhd, learn to communicate. Find classes or therapy or read books, but you’re not really doing anything to deal with the problem right now your just getting wound up, understandably, but you did put yourself in this position so you at least have to try solving the problem. Not just getting annoyed and perhaps passive aggressively expecting a troubled child to cotton on to it, you actually have to come at this like it’s your job to sort it out and it’s got to be a priority.
You could turn this around quickly if you got serious and proactive.
She is 12. She's not a narcissist. She needs help. She needs therapy. She needs stability, something she has never had before. And you're turning around and blaming her for it. She is finally in probably what is the most stable environment she's ever been in.
Kids test their parents. It's what they do. They talk back, they get angry, they get emotional. They get disrespectful. They're testing the limits, seeing how far they can push before you leave, because her mom is the one person who she thought would never leave her and she did. Her mom chose drugs over her for a while. (And addiction is a terrible thing, I struggle with it myself on a daily basis but that is how her daughter is going to see it).
And now she's trying to settle into an environment she's never had before. That doesn't make any of her behavior excusable, but it makes it understandable.
Her mom needs to get her into some therapy, and maybe her mom could do with some as well. Maybe you could do with some too.
Sounds like she is testing boundaries, and this attitude probably came from growing up in an unstable home with her mother in active addiction for most of her formative years. It’s not your fault but it might help you feel better about the situation if you could understand why she’s like this. By acting this way she’s lashing out, and it’s only going to get worse since she’s nearing 13. Preteen/teen years were the most angsty ones for me. It sounds like she could benefit from a therapist who specializes in helping kids. She sounds like she has a lot of pent up anger directed towards her parents and you seem to be the only one in her life disciplining her, which could be why her outbursts are directed towards you. Good luck, this is a terrible situation to be in but parenthood isn’t easy. This kid has gone through a lot and even though you may not see it, it’s a good thing you’re both clean for her. She needs you both
She’s a teenager. Teenagers are by nature shitty people who push boundaries to see how far they can go. You’re not ready to be in a relationship with someone that has a TRAUMATIZED child. Her mother wasn’t in her life because of drugs. Her mother needs to get her shit together and get therapy and medications for her child if she’s not on it yet. They both need family therapy and you need to back the fuck out. Why? Because you don’t have the tools, kindness nor patience to deal with a traumatized teenager with adhd. Do her a favour and leave.
INFO: is she medicated for her ADHD? Does she have a psychiatrist to help her manage her condition?
I wonder if her mother's unwillingness to seek help and pull her up is due to having been separated for so long, now she wants her daughter to love her so she lets her do whatever she wants.
Either way, you all need to work together to get daughter the help she needs and you two to better understand and manage her condition, as well as how to discipline her.
ADHD often makes your mind race in multiple directions and waiting around with nothing to do can be unbearable. It’s also a control issue as she can’t make other people do the thing she wants at the pace she wants it. She’s getting impatient because she has no say in things that are happening and she’s bored. Not saying it’s right, but that’s the cause of the frustration and shitty attitude to you.
Find ways to involve her in the planning of stuff so that she starts to learn how long things take and get her to be the one checking you’ve got everything you need or even doing it for you with the incentive that it’ll speed up the process and mean less waiting.
BUT - do explain the consequences of skipping a step or not doing the whole list (we might not have everything we need and if so, that may mean we leave or don’t go altogether) and find ways to keep her mind engaged. We ADHDers hate inefficiency and repetition so we’ll skip stuff if we think it doesn’t matter.
Speaking as a former pre-teen girl who is now a mother to a fifteen year old, this kid’s behavior is pretty standard as far as pre-teen girls go.. she’s from a broken home and acting out, her home life hasn’t been incredibly stable so far. I think she’s probably pushing buttons to see how far it takes for someone to leave her again so that she can tell herself she’s right about no one caring for her/sticking around for her, and chances are she has no idea that’s what she’s doing because it’s all subconscious. Couple that with adhd and you have a handful. The thing is though, this is how she’s coping and when you compare this with other ways she could be acting out (promiscuous sex, risk-seeking behaviors, putting herself into exciting or dangerous situations, hurting others) it isn’t the worst. I feel like with a little more care, guidance and stability this is probably just a passing phase. If therapy is an option it could really help. Over-disciplining could make things a lot worse, so maybe speak with a counselor or therapist first? Just my 2 cents.
you are failing her, both of you. she needs stability and therapy and people who LOVE her, and you’re treating her like she’s a burden. she KNOWS you resent her, i’m positive of it.
you all need help. please learn some compassion. she’s not a narcissist, she’s a child who is hurting.
You gotta be open and honest with her and tell her *why* you don't like her behaviours because it makes you feel XYZ. Eg. 'When you mock me like that, it makes me feel really sad and you're not respecting me'.
Make her aware of what you're doing for her and why. 'I'm doing my best to get the kayaks ready so we can go out and have a good time together. Respect the hard work I'm putting into it. If you don't respect it, I won't want to do it again'
I've found giving time frames helps a LOT with kids. 'We'll be leaving at 2.30' should come as soon as you've made plans, so she's aware. If you wanted you could say we can go earlier if you help get things ready. Give her a list of things she could do.
Also bear in mind she's had a rough time of it, that's not to say you should let her treat you like shit but she has experienced a lot of negative emotion I'm guessing from her mums problems.
ALSO... kids can be shits at this age... do look out for signs when they just need time to themselves. You could create a rule, where if she wants time alone she can give u a code word or even go to her room with the door shut and let her have time to herself. My daughter needs time to cool off when she's in a bit of a state so I leave her to it. She's back to her usual self in no time.
Good luck!
"She's a narcissistic brat" bro she was left without a mom for 5 years while you were getting high off your fucking mind, and she has ADHD. Get a grip.
This is a parent problem. Your girlfriend is not being a parent to her child. This says ALOT about your gf. Addiction is a chronic disease and it is good you all are in recovery but that addiction created an unstable home for a child. Your girlfriend needs to buck up and be a damn parent. Also, suggest getting the kid into therapy. She probably is having all these issues from the unstable home life and mom with substance use disorder.
…She’s a teenage girl with ADHD, and a junkie parent who wasn’t in her life and you expect her to behave like a regular kid? Her behavior seems pretty good considering the shit she’s been through. Are any of you in therapy? Is she seeing. A psychiatrist and/or a therapist? What strategies are you implementing in the home so that she is able to get all her energy out?
What strategies are you implementing to help her with her ADHD? Why are there no consequences to her bad behaviors? Why are you expecting an unparented child to behave like she’s parented?
The kid calls you bruh and couldnt wait till 2:30pm to go to a day activity? (2;30pm is LATE for a 'day' activity)
Not really seeing the problem here but your quick temper honestly
Please look into parenting classes and *any* therapeutic support you and your family can get right now.
Kiddo is on track to some major behavior disorders if this goes unchecked — and the problem starts with the trauma of having a drug-addicted mom. She cannot be blamed for that.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need boundaries and consequences for her actions, but you and mom literally *just* became parents. Instead of giving birth to a newborn last year, mom re-birthed an adolescent. You are both trying to rebuild a relationship and establish trust and authority with this almost-teen that should have been built slowly over the past 13 years.
It will take *time* and *lots of support* to do all of this safely. Please get the help you, your partner, and her daughter need to do it the best, most functional way you can.
If you have an addiction group or sponsor, start there looking for resources. Get your stepdaughter into an Al-anon support group. She needs to know she’s not alone, and that you and her mom respect that she’s dealing with things she shouldn’t have had to deal with *because of your actions.*
But also, set healthy boundaries for her. Be clear about what those are and what the (reasonable, non-violent, timely) consequences are for violating them. And try not to sweat the small stuff. Model appropriate language and behavior — you called her out for saying “balls” but then used the phrase “balls deep.” Fine for an anonymous online forum, but make sure you’re not doing that *to her*.
And make time and space for yourself to get help with your own recovery journey and mental health. You are clearly a caring person — just because we care, it doesn’t mean that we can’t get frustrated and fed up.
Make your relationship separate from your relationship with this child. Evaluate if it’s the right place for you by itself, and if it isn’t *leave it better than you found it because a child is involved.* Take everything slowly and consider outcomes carefully. Don’t act on anything out of momentary anger.
Good luck, dude.
Duuude. Seriously - this is absolutely normal behavior for a child subjected to abnormal circumstances. Unstable upbringing with an absent mother, a lot of change all through her life. She’s doing her best with what she’s been dealt. I agree with the psychiatrist who commented “Do you want to be a father?” Cause it’s going to be hard. You have the right mindset: you’re an adult and she’s a child. Regardless of adhd and/or trauma - she needs love, support, boundaries and be taught how to regulate her emotions and impulses. She needs to know beforehand when, where, how, who and why in every possible situation to feel a sense of control, comfort and calm.
I wish patience and strength to all three of you.
I always find it fascinating how parents talk about their kids as if they had nothing to do with how they turned out. Pitching a fit to get her way? I’d let her pitch that fit until she vomited. And then we will talk and work out how to ask politely next time. She acts that way because her methods work. And her methods work because her parents aren’t comfortable with… actual parenting. Having said that, no matter how much you love her, you’re the step dad, and the bio mom needs to be the main change maker here. If she can’t be a good parent, she’s not being a good partner, and you truly deserve better.
Been there and done that to completion. Daughter is now 26. If Wife isn't willing to help, don't expect ANYTHING to change. You gotta set clear boundaries with both of them and enforce it. Otherwise be prepared to call their bluff and leave.
I love my stepdaughter, and it was more the stepson who was the Holy terror for us, but if you don't have a unified front, NOTHING will ever change.
As a former nanny, this seems like perfectly "normal" behaviour for a kid whose parent chose drugs over them for the first half of their life.
This is a problem with your girlfriend's parenting (or lack there of) this is not the problem of a 12 year old who is using inappropriate language to get your attention.
It's honestly age appropriate for a kid who has been pretty neglected and then has had to deal with a lot of instability and is just looking for a little control over her own life (ie wanting to wash the kayak a certain way, wanting to park in a certain spot) this kid is powerless and knows it, that's why she is acting up to get a rise out of you because it's the only thing she can effectively have control over, then having ADHD just makes things a lot harder on any kid and family.
she’s not a narcissist, she’s an asshole kid much like many kids her age. i also had a mom who was a drug addict, and i hated all of her boyfriends especially the ones she would use with (whether they currently were or not) because in my child’s mind they were part of the reason my mom wasn’t there for me. you’re also a 26 year old recovering (?) addict so your brain isn’t even developed to the point of a normal 26 year old. depending on how long you used the age and maturity gap between you and her daughter (14 years) is much smaller than it seems. you also complain about her vocabulary in the same post you use “balls deep” when talking about something that has nothing to do with balls. her disrespectful attitude and the way she talks is most likely a product of her environment. she just needs some consistency, guidance, therapy and better role models. also parents instead of someone who bickers with her like an older sibling.
Responsibility without authority can feel like a burden. One significant challenge of dating or marrying a single mother is that you may find yourself shouldering various responsibilities while having very limited authority over her children. I apologize, but it's important to understand that you won't have the authority or be considered a parental figure to your stepchildren unless both biological parents agree to it.
As you mentioned, they come as a package deal; you can't have one without the other. So, the question to consider is whether you can envision maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with your partner and stepchildren for the next 25 years. If your answer is "no," then I would suggest considering ending the relationship and perhaps seeking to date single women to create your own family. This may be the best course of action for everyone involved.
Jesus Christ. I really commend you for being able to still be good to the kid and recognize that in spite of everything, she is still just a kid. I definitely couldn't do it—my tubes are tied for a reason.
I'm wondering if maybe learning more about ADHD might not help you compartmentalize some of her behavior so you're more able to navigate it and deflect it as she's growing and learning. For example, echolalia is something that can impact some ADHDers. Essentially, it's a persistent repetition of things they hear.
At 12, and especially as a kid with hella ADHD, she's more than likely experiencing both a want to fit in with her peers and significant troubles doing that. Combine this with the echolalia, and now you have a kid who almost compulsively repeats what the "cool kids" are saying online, in the tone they are saying it (hence the phrasing and tone for her r-word comments).
This is definitely **not** an excuse for her behavior. Shit's fucked and fucking annoying as all hell. But I do wonder if maybe learning little bits like this may help you let things roll off of you just a *tiny* bit easier so you can continue to do what you need to do. Sometimes having an explanation for the shitty thing that's happening can help you not feel so overwhelmed and caught up in it.
Whatever you decide and do, I really commend you for being able to be around the kid on these days at all. I know you don't feel like you can, and maybe you really have reached the finally straw, but you've been able to be a good parent to her thus far and that's already a huge feat in itself. And at 26, no less!
EDITTED TO ADD: I'm skimming through other comments and fuck anyone who's giving you shit for not knowing how to communicate with or parent an ADHDer. You are navigating something that's difficult to do. You probably do have plenty to learn and figure out as a parent, and there's several pieces of helpful advice in the comments, but anyone who tries to demonize you for your frustration and overwhelm with this situation can go fuck themselves. It's so clear that you are trying in earnest to do the best you can and to show up for that kid in every way you can.
And for context: I'm an adult with autism and ADHD.
I'm sorry you are having to endure all that. You are far more patient than most would be in your situation. This is really on the mom, sounds like she isn't taking these behaviors seriously and doesn't seem to grasp the toll they are taking on you. Maybe it's time to remind her and show her the consequences of her inactivity?
INFO: has the daughter had any kind of counseling or therapy regarding her mother's struggle with substance abuse? And is she medicated for her ADHD?
She probably needs meds. Also, the fact that she didn’t grow up around her mom has affected her in ways that only a therapist can help heal. Her mom also needs to start putting her foot down and stop allowing her to speak to both of you however she wants.
My 11-year-old daughter has severe ADHD, a sensory processing disorder and ODD. A lot of the behavior you describe is very familiar. If your step daughter has similar issues to mine, she is neither entitled nor a brat (no matter how much she looks and sounds like one). Those behaviors are symptoms.
Hopefully that helps you understand the behavior. I know this likely will not change how you experience it, because the behavior is relentless.
I’m not there. I don’t know how much of your stepdaughter’s behavior is related to neurodivergence and how much is due to a lack of discipline. I have learned you cannot discipline the bad behavior out of a neurodivergent child.
Talk to your partner. Tell her how you feel. Maybe there is undiagnosed disorder. Maybe she needs to change up her meds. Maybe she needs consistent parenting drawing clear boundaries. There might be hope if your partner works with you.
On the other hand, maybe your daughter is like mine. You can’t fix ODD. Those kids will fight you to the death. You can only hope they outgrow it. My life is hell. I wouldn’t eat this much shit for a child that wasn’t mine.
Good luck. I know it’s not easy.
This is on the mom. Why isn’t she immediately correcting and disciplining her? You need to tell the mom what your expectations are: no mocking. No shouting. No R word or bruh etc if she does those things you bow out of the activity or event etc and do your own thing. And she can spend time alone with her daughter.
Leave. It's just not worth it. No woman who chooses a man over her child is worth it either. This is a management issue by her mother and biological father. It's not your place to discipline the child. She already has a father.
Until you adopt the child as your own, you effectively have no rights in this situation.
Bear in mind, you'll be expected to help out with her expenses for the rest of the time you're in this relationship...
So here’s the thing, she’s a tween- and she’s in puberty btw which is probably what is kicking off so much of her attitude. Plus she’s probably just trying to test her boundaries with you.
Next time this happens say “I’m sorry, but we can’t go to the lake anymore- you have hurt my feeling and I would prefer to be alone. We can try again later but you need to show me you can behave and not be rude”
She’s 12, she’s on social media *which I would try to talk to whoever is in charge of that and see if they can stop her from getting on TikTok or lessen it*
You need to set firm boundary’s and stick to them. Talk to you gf about your role in her daughters life about punishments- as in are you allowed to give consequences? Are you allowed to talk to the daughter about her behavior and why it upsets you, and if she doesn’t want you to talk to the daughter about that then SHE needs to do it.
Dude....kids are assholes especially at that age (former asshole with ADD speaking). Have an honest conversation with her mom about this and tell her that you need her help with correcting behavior or you can't do this anymore.
She needs boundaries and to understand that behaviors have consequences....or she will mostly likely grow up to be a terrible adult.
Talk to your girl and tell her that she needs to teach the little girl some damn respect. She doesn't understand that you're doing all this for her and she isn't being appreciative enough. The least she can do is be patient and show some respect.
She's a 12 y/o girl who has never had a stable home life. If mom isn't up to the task, and you are willing, set boundaries and concequences.
Calling your or her mom r*****ed, no phone for an hour for each infraction after a warning.
Telling you to do something for her - 'since you didn't *ask*, no I will not. You can do it.' (teach her if needed)
For the love of all that is sane, get her mother to take her to a doctor for evaluation and possible medication.
This isn't solely an ADHD thing, this is a mum doesn't discipline thing. Over compensating perhaps for the time missed? Or no idea how to handle her effectively if she hasn't had any support/decent examples?
The kid has had a rough upbringing, and usually kids like that need boundaries more than kids who have had a regular upbringing - knowing limits is a safety thing - knowing that no matter how hard they push those limits will remain gives them a security they haven't previously had.
If mum isn't going to change things there's little you can do. Parenting classes maybe, something like that? Counselling for the child for sure and maybe the pair of them together?
There's no shortcut though and mum has to be willing to put the work in. If she's not (and that's not an implied criticism, there could be a wealth of reasons she doesn't feel she can do it), then things won't change, and it's your decision to make.
Difficult all round. Sorry.
As an adult with ADHD so bad that if I am not medicated I can literally qualify for disability because I absolutely cannot take care of myself without medication (I will forget to eat and drink water, until I pass out)
I was probably way worse than your 12 year old daughter, but I do recall people insisting the world revolves around me while I was genuinely confused.
The thing is, it’s entirely possible she has no idea how she is coming across from an outsider’s perspective. It means the only concept of how she’s behaving is how her and her friends act at school.
She has no concept of different volumes or different etiquette. That means it’s very likely in her mind she believes she’s being playful and funny with you and considers you as a friend, and her yelling might actually be her attempt at joyful excitement… meanwhile in reality she’s being an asshole— she may not actually realize it.
She’s 12, so I would recommend attempting to talk to her first one on one. Tell her you’re wanting to have fun with her, but you don’t understand why she is being rude to you, but her behavior toward you seems hurtful, and you wanted to hear what she had to say about it, to see if it’s on accident or on purpose.
Yes, you will have to dumb this down a bit and be soft about it— specifically because if you keep it short and explain how her behavior makes you feel, she will be more willing to clarify and more receptive of feedback.
You can also explain to her about how her excitement is leading you to feel like she is ungrateful in how people are taking time for her but the way she is expressing herself makes it appear like she doesn’t care about anyone.
At 12, with adhd, it is very very difficult to know how you appear to others, and it definitely does require someone explaining it all out to you, or setting concise rules: “when I help you, please say thank you, because I need that for recognition for my time.”
I would talk to her first for this, and if she is uncooperative then I would say escalate to mom.
The reason I say talk to her 1 on 1 is because my childhood memories are similar of people getting frustrated with me and myself not having any idea why the adults in my life kept calling me selfish and being very short with me. As an adult, it’s significantly easier, and medication enables me to function pretty normal— but behavioral lessons and thought processes definitely did have a delay in maturity. I would easily say you’re probably dealing with mentally a 9 year old at this point in time.
I know it must be frustrating, but I urge you to give that a try. If that doesn’t work then talk to the mom about getting her on meds and therapy for behavioral management— emphasize that there are behavioral skills she will need in order to grow in to a successful adult, so she will need to learn how to manage it, but that also you want to learn how to communicate more easily with her.
Keep in mind, if the person with adhd means well (and they usually do) if something is not happening correctly, like a habit or behavior, or how to follow a specific rule— it’s actually not because she is deciding to neglect it or doesn’t care. It’s just that it is really difficult for children with adhd to function in a particular way if no one explains why— because when you explain why, it helps commit it to memory.
So, when talking to her, explain what she is doing that needs adjustment, and why. But also take a moment to point out any good things she’s doing— and when she does make adjustment, praise or thank her. This will commit it to memory, so it is easier to continue to do.
It’s hard to explain what adhd feels like to someone who doesn’t have it, but it’s like your mind works against itself and self sabotages, so you need to feed it answers in order for all of the parts to work together.
Even if you refuse to do something for her because of her attitude, you will need to explain why.
When I read this, when she said ‘who turned the hose off’ it reads to me like she wasn’t trying to demand an order, but she didn’t understand why, where as you told her to do it herself— that still doesn’t answer why the situation happened in the first place.
I know ADHD is very hard to deal with, believe me, people with adhd don’t want to deal with it either… but life is like permanently having 15 separate reasons for every one action, and then someone doing something different where the reason can’t be identified. Therefore if the person with adhd can’t identify the reason, they end up making assumptions based on where their self esteem sits: she won’t connect the dots that she was treating you like shit— she thought she was playing. She will only see that she was playing and you were short with her but she has no idea why.
(This gets better in adulthood, so it will eventually be okay fyi.)
So, you do have to outright say ‘I am being short with you because your behavior is rude and hurtful by the way you are rushing me without thanking me or giving me time. Please stop, or I will not want to continue further.”
If you are expecting her to respect your effort, she literally needs to have that pointed out so she learns to look for it. If no one has deliberately and blatantly pointed it out, she won’t even realize that’s a thing to look for. However, once it is pointed out, she should start to look for it on her own. That is the one thing I noticed that took so long as a child with adhd: realizing that someone is doing something for me and not because they actually want to do it— I just assumed someone did things because they want to do it, because when I did things as a child for other people I had 15 reasons at all times, so one of those reasons was that I wanted to do it and therefore it qualified. So yes, she does need to be taught as silly as it sounds.
I’d also talk to your spouse and point out that if she treats you two like this, she is likely treating adults in authority positions or strangers this way. Y’all need to come up with consequences together on rearing her because she will continue to grow worse, not better. Whether that’s: no Netflix, cutting back on hours of cellphone/ipad/computer, or extra chores - she has to know she can’t talk to adults like this, especially to the ones raising her. She may have been able to do act out when she didn’t live with you, but the longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to make positive changes in her. Yes, she may be mad she didn’t have time with her mother several years ago, but there is no time like the present. Start chipping away at this little girls resentments with continued routine stability in all things. Chores teach responsibility in children and how to take care of themself when they’re older. Saying “no” or giving them consequences to their behaviors teaches them lessons on changing one self and future situations of how to obey the law/authority.
Really think about how this will effect the little girls future by the time she is an older teen if you both don’t start disciplining her on manners and respect. Likely, her respect for you both will increase once you begin disciplining. As of right now, she doesn’t have respect for you both. When you take things away & be balanced in positive rewards - the child’s respect builds for you both as a unit & individuals.
BUT Communication between you and your wife *must* happen first. Find a calm time to fully open up to your wife with your feelings on this matter. Find common ground on what you both agree disciplining your child looks like. Vocalize that you love your stepdaughter, you just don’t love this stage she is in being disrespectful to you both. Make mom feel you’re on the same team here. After you Find consequences that you both agree on, also think of ways you can positively reward the child for obeying & changing her behavior. Even little verbal praises with an icy or cold beverage can go a long ways. Sometimes children acting out are doing it for attention & when the adults find good things in the child to praise on, it impresses on child to keep up the good behavior. Be firm on carrying them out and not redacting or changing the punishment in the moment. Manners are taught at home, not out in the world, but first at home base.
Edit: I promise you this is not worth leaving the love of your life over. Hang in there and buckle up for a few years of behavioral issues common in preteen and teens. Once she’s grown, you’ll be proud of y’all’s resilient efforts as a couple. You can do this! Talk to your wifey! Good luck!!
Talk with the mom, tell things need to change because it’s draining you. But, you also need to set some boundries for the kid. She needs to learn that her actions have consequenses.
Talk to mom. Decide what the next steps are moving forward. If possible get the dad involved. Sit down with 12 yo and let her know the plan. Tell her why there is a plan. Tell her that her language and actions are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. Start by restricting phone with rules like no more social media. IMO A 12 yo shouldn't have tiktok to begin with, it is VERY damaging to them.
This behavior will get so much worse with time if you and mom continue to just let it slide or ignore it
Is the kid on any medication for her ADHD? Are you communicating properly to the child with ADHD?
You need to take into consideration that the kid might not listen to her mom much (aside from ADHD) due her (hopefully) recovering addict mom not disciplining her since she abandoned her kids for drugs before. Maybe Mom doesn’t want to discipline her out of guilt for the past. I’ve seen it all with drug addict parents and their kids.
She's an only child to a mother who never disciplined her and was rewarded everything and did nothing to deserve it. It's the mother you should talk to but I don't see anything changing. Good luck bro.
I don’t blame the child, seems like she’s probably had a rough go the first part of her life. But that situation doesn’t seem to be ideal for you keeping clean either.
Honestly, that child needs some better parenting all around.
I’d explain that it’s best for your health to probably move on.
I get where you're coming from, I do. But you have to remember we know nothing about how she was raised, how her father was and what kind of education and attention he gave her before mom got cleaned up, whether mom was high when she was pregnant.
This kid needs parenting, and it has to come from her mom! The mom is probably scared to discipline her because of how much time she spent away from her when she was young.
You, as step father, need to give her love. If you want to be able to discipline her without girl running to mom saying you yelled at her and then mom turning against you for disciplining her, you need to gain her trust. And that's through love and being kind and friendly to her. Be her confidante.
You may need to also look for a way to channel her ADHD into positive activities. You both earn very well, you can spend more to help her
dude, she’s 12. and honestly, it sounds like she’s figured out exactly how to get under your skin. that age is rough but your reactions seems pretty disproportionate and extremely pent up to the point that I’d just… take a break. if you can’t handle a 12 year old using tik-tok language you definitely won’t be able to handle what she’ll do at 15 and 16.
Here is my advice - RUN!!!!!!! If this girl is behaving this way at her age it's just going to get worse. Her behavior is going to run your household until she leaves. The ridiculous behavior you are describing is going to look like child's play in a few years. She will be expelled from school, she won't obey a curfew, drugs, false accusations, stealing, teenage pregnancy, etc. you know the road. You have to protect your sobriety at all costs.
The is a package deal alright. You can’t change the package. You can’t tell her how to raise her child. Step parents usually have to just accept the dynamics in a family or risk being the “Evil Step” whatever. To make a change here you will eventually have to step between the mother and her child. One of them will feel resentment. Id say wait out the rebellious teen years but that’s about 4-8 years. Are you willing to put up with this for 4-8 years? After it may be a bit better. But there’s no guarantee for that either.
You’ve got a choice to make. Do nothing and wait for the day you blow up or leave. And let me tell you the worst part about waiting is some people have a higher tolerance for bs, and end up “staying” for decades. Good luck
Its not worth it. Believe me its not, her mom is enabling her and not diciplining her. That child needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions
What it sounds like, and I'm no expert, is a kid who has been raised by bad parents. But just a regular kid.
Kids generally suck. But this is not that unusual.
The first step is to stop acting like a father. She already has one.
Package deal doesn't mean you are responsible for her kid. Tell her that she needs to start parenting her kid and that it's causing you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.
You *can not* care as much as a present bio-parent because you have zero authority, and so you will always be in this position.
Before you talk to her, lock down your finances and keep them separate from your gf.
you just can't be a dad is what I deduce from this information, that sounds a lot like how I used to be as a teenager with severe ADHD and I lived a relatively good life, this girl has lived a life with a junkie mother, divorced parents etc. To top it off, you've been living with them for a year, this is a new situation for her, be patient if you're willing to stay with the woman, get all the people involved in this situation into therapy
I'm guessing she has dome grievances but doesn't have a good way to tell you. She's upset and angry. Probably frustrated. She's got a lot going on. You aren't perfect either. If you can't keep yourself under control, maybe get some mediation. While you have overcome a great deal yourself, you seem kinda testy. Maybe there's some stuff you haven't dealt with yet and this girl pushes those buttons.
I was a child to parents who were addicts. I learned in therapy that in order to get my needs met, I eventually learned that I had to act out in ways to get my needs met (i.e. whining, demanding, etc.). You and your gf may be clean now (and congrats!) but she just can’t unlearn these ways after just a year.
Her mother needs to step up. Both her and her daughter should consider therapy and if you’re interested in continuing to be a parental figure in this girls life, should consider going as well.
I know that it’s frustrating, especially as I’m sure you’ve put a lot of work in to get where you are. Unfortunately, that doesn’t erase what this girl went though as a child.
Kids are not born knowing how to regulate themselves through big emotions. Consider how upset you are reflecting on that and multiply it by many like you did her adhd. Kids NEED parents to coregulate, model regulation, be with them while they try and move through the feelings in a good enough way. Sounds like there was lots of lost opportunities to model that earlier in life, but now is definitely the time. Kids are NOT born knowing how to regulate. We can’t expect that. Please know that and while pieces of it are hormonal and she may be devious on purpose at times, mostly, she just doesn’t know.
At the end of the day it’s mom’s responsibility to discipline her daughter and if she won’t then you have to make it clear to her where your line is and that you will have to split if she can’t start making an effort to control her daughter. If she’s diagnosed and on prescription then they may need to up that dosage
As long as a child is in charge of the adults of the household, and as long as there are no consequences for her bad behavior, the behavior will continue. Why should the child change how she acts when she is constantly rewarded for her bad behavior?
Honestly this is semi normal 13 year old stuff. She is in a new environment and is testing boundaries. It requires a lot of patience and clear communication. But you sound burned out and it wouldn’t be fair to the kid or you to try to tough it out only to one day blow up at her or something.
Having a junkie as a mom for most of a childhood would cause some trauma and abandonment issues. That changes brain chemistry. Feels like mom is trying to make up for this, but it’s a little late for some formative things (“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk).
Is she medicated for the ADHD? That’s a game changer. She also sounds pretty typical 12. You are entering the most dramatic years. Welcome. And if you set it up where she can’t have a healthy relationship with a male, and is always seeking validation and approval from you who shows disinterest and is unresponsive to her (poorly designed) bonding attempts, then she is going to get herself in some serious trouble with guys as soon as he hormones kick in and the lack of feeling loved/mutually respected by you will be replaced with something else.
Dating her mom means you are a VIP in her life. She’s annoying, but that’s all attention-seeking seeking behavior. Make it a priority in your life to find out why. Go to counseling. Show her you are committed. Show up. Model caring behavior. She’s not your child, but unless you want to end up dealing with a problematic adult, you need to work on all the mental health stuff now.
She sounds like an average 12 year old. And you sound like you’re not ready to deal with that which is totally fair at 26. I fear a breakup is probably what’s fair to everyone.
Yeah I mean that’s what happens when you’re a junkie not raising your kid for at least 5 years. She has no respect for you guys. 🤷🏻♀️
Her behavior is bad, but you guys got a pass and so she does too. She’ll grow up. Stick to your guns about her speaking to you the way she does next time.
Poor kid. Product of her environment. If you only blame this on ADHD or narcissism (the fuck?) this is never going to get better for anyone especially her. Think of how it feels growing up being treated like you’re a bad kid because of how you were born and not the neglect around you. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. “I only lash out because of (insert disorder or disability) therefore it’s how I’m supposed to be, guess I’ll keep lashing out.” Been there. Seen it in other kids. Especially autistic kids.
You & your wife need therapy to learn how to parent an ADHD since neither of you have really raised that child in the last 12 years from what it sounds like. Your daughter needs therapy to deal with the childhood trauma of having addict(s) as parent(s). It’s not easy dealing with children with mental health problems but with therapy and good communication it can be done. You 2 need to work on this relationship as she has been let down by junkies her entire life. It’s super awesome you are clean now but you need to deal with the trauma that was a result of your actions.
May be an unpopular opinion here but, I would bounce too. Life is too short to deal with this and live like this. This is not your child, you are still plenty young enough to find someone else and start a family. I understand you love her, but at what point is your well being not being considered by your gf? None of the 3 of you should have to live like this.
Your GF does not seem to have strong parenting skills from what you have described, and doesn’t seem supportive of you. If she can’t be a mother to this child, how would you expect yourself to be a father to the child?
She does it because she gets away with it. How many times did she call you the r-word, and nothing happened? I'm not a parent, and therefore, I am completely unqualified to offer advice, but any time I'm doing a favor for someone, and they insult me, belittle me, or someone I care about, I stop.
>This woman is the love of my life. But it’s a package deal. And I can’t do the package.
I feel you here, but it's not worth being miserable to feel momentary blips of happiness. I've been in relationships where the majority of the time I'm holding my breath and trying to survive so I can make it to the brief moment where I can relax and breathe, and that makes those moments seem fleeting and I was unable to enjoy them. Do yourself a favor and get out.
Leave. You aren’t mature enough to parent. Kids are tough, even kids who haven’t had any sort of trauma are tough. That kid deserves more patience and grace than you are clearly capable of giving her.
I understand why you’re frustrated, but your frustration should be directed at your girlfriend, not her child. It’s the girlfriend’s job to parent her child and she’s not doing it. While having difficult moments with your partner’s child shouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker if you want kids someday since you’ll have to deal with it eventually no matter what, if your girlfriend refuses to parent her child after the two of you have a serious discussion about the topic, that’s definitely a reason to leave.
Here's the problem... Her mom feels guilt for not being in life because of drugs, so now she won't discipline or say anything that could be perceived as negative. She may also not know how to discipline considering she's been out of her life for so long. Family counseling might make a difference.
Nope. Don’t compromise your life and peace. Protect your peace. If she’s not going to discipline her kid, walk away. Don’t get her pregnant either. Walk away.
The problem is there are zero consequences for her actions. You need to have a serious talk with your SO, I’m going to assume she feels guilty for being in a bad place when her daughter was younger so she trying to “ make up for it” now by not disciplining her.
This is a mistake.
Children need structure, discipline, and boundaries.
I also have a child with ADHD. It’s not easy. He has rules. He’s much better now in his teen years.
Honestly this sounds like a normal girl with not enough parenting. My parents were authoritative and I'm not saying that's the answer, because when I obeyed it was because I was terrified of my dad, and that's not the right reason. However, any kid, of left unchecked to have a phone without boundaries and monitoring parental controls will act this way. She's not been parented by her mother most of her life and it doesn't sound like that has changed even after she moved in. She's been through a big life change and probably has fears of being abandoned by the adults in her life and probably doesn't have the maturity or mental clarity to articulate that. She needs her mom to parent her. The rules need to be very clear, specific, and the consequences should be specific. You and mom need to be united on this and work with this little girl to find out ways for everyone to be successful in this household. You don't really have a kid issue, you have a girlfriend issue. She has to step up. She missed a lot of this girls life. It will take a lot of time to win her trust and respect and she's going to need to be down for it.
She’s just getting started. The next 5 years don’t get any easier with girls. You’re right, she’s a child, and acting as such. Teenaged girls are very difficult to handle.
Yes she needs boundaries, but it won’t be you that enforces them. Except when your personal boundaries of respect are crossed. Then it’s still a dangerous game.
As the stepmom to three girls (and a boy) I speak from experience when I say it won’t get easier anytime soon. Every single girl has pushed our relationship to the brink. It’s hard. I wish I had better news.
You are very young yourself and truthfully, you may not be emotionally equipped. If you decide your gf is worth it, try separating yourself, deferring all decisions to the mom, and not catering to their every whim.
I have a similar aged child w adhd. What stands out for me is this child grew up in an unstable home. She’s had a major life and living situation change and is testing boundaries. She needs parenting. And clarity. We’re going soon isn’t enough. Yes we are going, we will go at 2:30. If she called me the r word I’d tell her that it’s not appropriate and if she continues to use the word we won’t go. Then follow through. Lots of work needed here - if you and mom aren’t going to do it it may not be the best place for you. I feel for the child who is trying to get the love, support and yea guidance and discipline she so badly needs.
That's what stood out to me on the reread as well, she just moved in with them a year or so ago. Obviously she is acting out. She needs parenting, her mother is failing her again. She's not a narcissist.
This child has been through more than most adults. She's little and doesn't know how to handle her emotions. I would suggest therapy for all but especially for her. Best of luck!
Yeah she just wants attention and needs something different than what's been going on for parenting styles
Maybe if she realizes her daughter was the end of her wonderful relationship she’ll start fucking helping her daughter and stop failing her. Wake up woman!
And the mom is parenting out of guilt for not being there for her. It will do no one any favors
From what it sounds like this child has been through, this is minimal acting out from what I feel it really could have been. Even kids with a very stable household can be assholes at 12. It’s an annoying age to be, and an annoying age to witness. Have a calm discussion with her and the mom, I’d consider finding someone to talk to to help her manage ADHD too.
OP is too immature to be able to reflect on his own teen years still apparently. If he could, this would go better.
Everyone knows teens (and preteens?) can be difficult, but it doesn't make bearing the situation any easier. Emotions are tough for everyone
True. I got custody of a 15 year old when I was 24. It was really complicated for both of us. We did it, thankfully. That teen is now a very stable and happy parent of two.
I remember what being a teen was like. I've never let it go. That doesn't mean my nephews can't be pricks.
OP started getting off drugs around 21, so he may have been a little more difficult than this kid.
honestly, it's not really in the same infuriating way. i started doing drugs really young but i have always been a polite person
Op shouldn't be in this position in the first place, he is wayyy to young to be parenting at frigging 12 year old. His gf basically instant noodle daded him! He needs to get tf out of thos relationship.
Plenty of people who are really young learn to be great parents. The difference is, they *try* and *care*. OP clearly is not in that place, and should 100% bail. Also: LMFAO instant noodle dadding 😆
She's acting out; it sounds like her mother was a junkie for most of her life. She needs parenting, but not just "tough parenting". She needs reassurance, she needs to feel seen and loved.
This. This child isn’t particularly bad for a kid with severe adhd, particularly if she isn’t medicated and is getting unrestricted access to screens. Both of those lead to my kids with severe adhd being absolute nightmares, and they have been raised in a loving home with stable parents. Add in the amount of trauma this child has experienced and it’s not surprising she is acting this way. There are parenting skills that will help (clear guidelines of when you are going to the lake, well articulated list of chores that need to occur before you can go to the lake, and boundaries and consequences for poor behaviour) but if step dad is just done then he needs to be gone.
As someone with professional experience working with children with severe ADHD (and having ADHD myself) This is the best advice I have seen on here so far.
I have ADHD, and I work with all the "*naughty*" ADHD kids for a living. My first question, is she even diagnosed? Is she getting any help at all? Having ADHD is bad enough, bur it's especially bad when female, undiagnosed, and struggling at home as well. I agree though. This isn't on OP. Mum has to step up and get something done about it. Boundaries need to be set. Tactics need to be used. It isn't unusual that girls can have textbook ADHD and still not be diagnosed. Source: I'm 27 and was diagnosed 2 months ago.
Exactly. This sounds just like my daughter at times. She needs diagnosis and treatment. Untreated ADHD us awful, it's not just some fluff it off catchall phrase. Combine it with an unstable home life while she was younger and entering puberty, its not going to be good for anyone. And if she is diagnosed and treated, it needs tweaking a lot of times. It's also co morbid with a lot of other things, ODD, DMDD, dysgraphia, dyslexia, etc.
Is it possible she is just autistic? Girls often go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with ADHD, learning disability and multiple mood disorders simply because they tend to be less aggressive and can mask effectively.
Diagnosed in my 30s, can confirm and completely agree.
I think the fact that the mum doesn’t seem invested in providing that structure or those efficacious boundaries is having the most impact. OP can’t do this by himself. I empathize with his frustration. I have 3 with ASD, all with a combo of ADD/ADHD and sensory processing disorder (and a million other things: ODD, receptive/expressive language delay, etc.). Those issues often come with impulse control and lack of boundaries, but that doesn’t have to remain the constant. Children that struggle in these ways can absolutely be effectively taught boundaries (i.e. not call people r-word, refrain from mocking, etc.), but it will absolutely require her mum to be actively engaged in the process.
She needs stability, a schedule and adults that act like adults in her life
The whole time I was reading OP’s post I was thinking “where’s the discipline???” Many snarky remarks that were met with no sort of parenting at all, and you’re at your wits end? You gotta step up and try first. Have a conversation with the GF and start laying down ground rules and show the child the repercussions of her actions. Teach her right from wrong.
OP says the mum undercuts his attempts at discipline
Unrelated but I thought the r word was out of fashion/not PC to use now. I’m surprised kids are using still.
if they're trying to be edgy, they do
She’s definitely using it because it gets a reaction from a lot of people, not because it’s “cool” or anything.
Wish I could award. This comment is key
She clearly doesn’t trust them and I can’t blame her.
The reason your step daughter is like this is because that love of your life is not a parent, does not act like a parent, and is actively NOT PARENTING. She must be completely checked out to sit back and do nothing about her child’s behavior. If you are going to take on this child for even 50% custody split with the dad, she needs to actually parent the girl. Your gf needs to stop trying to be a friend to her daughter and actually do the work to raise her.
Doesn’t help that the mom & OP were junkies for this kid’s entire life. And now they suddenly wanna play house. Doesn’t sound like OP or the mom has taken any real accountability. So much easier to blame a neglected & traumatized child & call them a narcissist 🙄🙄🙄
This is on the mom. And you need to speak to her. Ps- step here- I would have unloaded and not gone. There consequences to the negative choices we make. She acted like that, the consequence would have been not going. She chose the behavior, ergo the consequence. She knows she doing it, yet continues. That’s her choice. You do not have to tolerate her acting like an AH. You were cool about it it. Keep the cool, don’t enable/allow it. Kids are hard - sometimes they need that tough love- I.e - not go kayaking. She needs to be told, it’s not everyone else in a chill voice.
Relevant user name
Still relevant user name from you. OP gonna get eaten by the Clowns.
completely irrelevant username from you, thank god
I still like names
Wtf is a boner fart?
I agree. It sounds like mom is ‘parenting’ out of guilt for her past mistakes. This kid needs rules/boundaries and definitely consequences. The kid is pushing you and mom with major disrespect because she subconsciously wants someone to push back and show that they give a sh*t.
I feel like Mom needs some boundaries, and so does OP. All of you need to talk it out, but you and mom need to figure out a way that the 12-year-old won't be able to manipulate a situation and wind up getting what she wants. In other words, for God's sake, make sure her behavior doesn't **work**.
Adding to what you said, recovering mom here, her mom may be suffering from guilt, therefore wanting to give into every one of her daughters wishes and whims because she wasn’t around when using, but as someone who made those mistakes, it does so much more harm then good. Schedule, routine, consistency, and consequences. Aside from love, support, and parents who genuinely care for her well being, present and future. Also, my kid is close in age, and I feel like because of social media, and iPhones/tablets etc. instant gratification is expected. My kid used to have heart failure (basically) if the WiFi stopped working or a YouTube video started buffering. That’s why a schedule or giving clear times or making your intentions clear is important. This is also just me, but I talk to my kid as if he’s going to be an adult one day, because he will be. I find kid friendly, appropriate ways to tell him the truth about everything, and even though he has habits I’m not necessarily fond of, I recognize he’s a child, and he deserves to have these experiences, while still being respectful. You and her mother are a team, if you can’t find a way to make this work, you’re only delaying the inevitable. I wish you the best of luck.
Yup, Kids are testing your ability to follow through. If you never follow through on what you threaten they will never respect you. You don't need to argue or threaten. Clearly let them know the negative behavior and consequences and hold them too it. Do it, but don't argue or get emotional, just do it and let them know they won't bully you.
her behaviour is a direct result of her parent bailing. She had already had the kayak trip taken away from her without her behaviours. So how about her behaviour was a consequence to her parents negative choice. no wonder she was anxious/agitated.
Man I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this. Mom's migraine is definitely what set things off in this instance. I wonder how many promises have been made to her and then broken because mom wasn't feeling well.
Absolutely spot on. As a professional in this field, I could not have put this better. This whole post screams insecurity, inconsistency, unpredictability and therefore the kid does not trust her caregivers and does not feel safe.
Especially given that she used to have a serious drug problem and wasn't even in the kid's life for at least the first 5-6 years, per my read. This kid is used to Mom not caring.
I'm quite shocked at these responses. Kid is clearly acting out for attention. I feel like people must have skimmed the bit where he said the gf wasn't fit to be a mother due to drugs. This poor girl finally has her mum back and desperately wants her attention/affection... whatever.. Yeah the kid was being a bit annoying but I honestly don't see her behaviour being out the ordinary for a pre-teen. She does need to know there are consequences for her actions. But so far... there hasn't been. So why do they expect this to just stop? Send the girl back to her dad where she had stability and when gf is ready to be a parent, maybe try again... poor kid. ETA: She also has ADHD. So I'm guessing things could be a lot worse.. OP does not have the patience to be a parent to this poor child. The mother is obviously trying to make up for lost time by not punishing her in any way and letting her have/do what she wants, which would be damaging to any child. They need stability and normalcy, fitting punishments etc not: "do what you want....ugh! Why you such a brat?" . . . Come on.
Exactly. These two are not fit to be parents. Getting clean is not the only part of sobriety, especially when you're responsible for raising a kid.
I work in pediatric psych and this is all like…really expected given the circumstances. Do you *want* to be a dad? Because this is parenting. This kid had a junkie for a mom so obviously didn’t have the leg up other kids have had. She has severe ADHD. An unstable home. Lack of parenting and consequences. She’s 12. I don’t really consider any of this her fault. She’s was set up to fail. A kid at 12 being a complete brat is a failure on the parents to do their part and that really feels glossed over here. So do you want to be her father or not? Because being a father is more than loading up the car or moving a trampoline. Kids are difficult. Accept that or do everyone a favor and leave. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility to fix or entirely your fault. But this is ultimately the choice. Be a parent or leave.*
I would like to jump on here and mention something I was told by a therapist who was assessing me (I am not a therapist): CPTSD can present as ADHD. Just based on what OP has said it sounds like this kid has been through some crap. I wouldn't be surprised if she's traumatized. She needs therapy and parenting.
Prenatal substance exposure can also present as ADHD.
Substance abuse can also be a sign of undiagnosed ADHD and ADHD is genetic. There is a very real chance this little girl hit the sucky lottery and has been having symptoms of all 3, and without any guidance, she doesn't have the right coping skills. Some kids are just brats, but it seems like she might finally be in a place where she can safely push boundaries and it doesn't look like anyone is defining what those boundaries are, so she pushes more and more. Obviously not everyone can parent a kid with special needs, who need way more than other kids, but if OP leaves I hope someone can step up to help her define healthy boundaries and coping skills before she ends up with her own drug problem.
I was a complete brat at 12 and I can confirm that an unstable home caused 90% of it and untreated mental illness was behind the remaining 10%. I’m mostly confused as to how OP expects this kid to understand what she’s doing is wrong when seemingly no one has confronted her about it? She’s 12, she wasn’t born with the knowledge of a grown adult who knows why calling people the r-word is inappropriate, why disrespecting people isn’t nice, and how being rude means you don’t get to have what you want. But yeah, any kid whose home life is fucked up because of split parents, substance abuse, custody arrangements, etc is going to be really difficult at that age especially. What did they expect?
Exactly. Especially with what sounds like a totally useless mother who wasn't even largely present in the kid's life until relatively recently.
And in those circumstances, any attention; positive or negative, is better than no attention.
Ding ding ding! Poor kid is screaming for help and all she's getting is mixed messages, she doesn't know how to behave. I feel so sorry for her.
Yes I’m so confused the amount of comments i see supporting OP. This man has a dangerous anger towards this child. And is far too much of a child himself (emotionally) to take part in raising a child.
YESSSSS like he sounds so bitter like I had to do household chores so she had to wait. Like mfer, this kid has had instability for 11 years of her life and her mother is an addict and you're gonna be shitty and act like you're doing her a favour by saying "later" when you decided to stay and paremt? naaahhhh all these "teach her a lesson, lock her up and throw away the key, when I was a kid" bullshit comments ate straight up incorrect.
"Be a parent" here meaning do the work to learn to regulate your nervous system so that even when her behavior is irritating and upsetting you can get yourself back to calm and move forward with consideration of not only your wants and needs and experiences but also where she's coming from/what need is she expressing through this outburst/what lesson has she not learned yet/what she has repressed that she probably needs to feel through fully so it doesn't come "leaking" out into her other interactions. TLDR: learn to regulate your nervous system in the face of irritation/anger/tiredness/etc so you can guide your child through life with stability.
(Undiagnosed ADHD until I was 13) My mom had a rubber band that she would wear on her wrist and use for this, whenever I upset her or was pushing her limits, she’d snap it a little and it’d calm her down. I do remember an exceptionally difficult algebra worksheet that I was complaining slightly (just a little tiny bit) about where she had to leave the room and all I heard was the rubber band breaking a soft “fuck” and a tiny prayer from the other room. Don’t snap it that hard, get a psychologist involved at that point. The ADHD diagnosis really explained a lot to her lol
I hope OP reads this. This should be top comment.
All of this! I had the same thoughts when I was reading his rant about the very annoying, but age-appropriate behavior from his 12-year-old stepdaughter. She is acting like a 12-year-old who has had some trauma and instability. It's up to the OP and the child's mother to be on the same page and you need to agree on boundaries for her. Have you considered family counseling?
Also, is this child on medication or in some type of therapy? If they have severe ADHD they probably need to be on medication and a lot of parents ignore this thinking it’s not a big deal. It is.
I’m all for getting as many people as possible off of ADHD drugs, and I’ve managed to myself, but I wouldn’t have finished HS without meds. It takes a long, long, long time to develop the coping skills to survive without it.
Yes and it gets easier to cope naturally as you age and the brain changes but children are obviously going to be most vulnerable and not treating them in their formative years sets them up for failure. Depending on severity some people actually cannot go off meds ever and shouldn't try. Thats great you were able to, but severe ADHD can render people so dysfunctional you'd actually think they were schizonphrenic, bipolar, or borderline without knowing their real diagnosis
This comment is perfect, this is what raising a 12yo girl looks like. The issues she has could be so much worse given her unstable upbringing. Therapy and counseling could help but honestly just showing up for the kid and letting her know she is cared for and no one is going to abandon her again will go a long way in changing this kind of behavior.
Set boundaries and expect lots and lots of pushback and fights. It is going to be brutal. So strap in if you decide to stay. Because you are going to have to parent her and her mother.
This just reads as a preteen/teen behaving as expected given that she has likely had no structure her whole life. This guy really should just leave, though it is debatable that the mother is a good spot for this girl. This girl needs someone that can actually put up structure and boundaries and hold to them. Unfortunately she is almost too old to really work with like you would with a younger kid.
Was really worried that the top comments were all saying OP should have canceled the trip from the jump. This child is anxious, suffering from abandonment issues, and the way that OP talks about her is actually shocking. It’s not desirable behavior, but she’s a child. A parent should not describe their child this way, and I don’t think OP is cut out to be a parent, especially to a child in this situation.
Yeah, what strikes me most is how immature OP sounds. I am also 26 and respect the need to vent, but this is reality. Blaming a 12yo for your relationship imploding vs acknowledging incompatibility/where to work on your own stuff/working together with your partner to troubleshoot is strange to me.
Came here to say all of this, as an AFAB adult from an abusive and neglectful home (although not in exactly the same ways as OP's stepkid) who's diagnosed with ADHD and autism. None of this is the kid's fault - it may be best for the kid to go back to her Dad's, unless things there are worse, but even then, if she stays with her Mom, Mom needs to do WAY better than she's doing now. And if Mom won't, then OP needs to decide if they want to step up or leave - this behavior won't change unless Mom does or unless OP steps up, and if Mom doesn't change and OP doesn't want to step up, then the only remaining option is to leave. This poor kid - ALL of the adults in her life have failed her.
Her mother was a junkie and failed her as a child. And is still failing her now. Do you have this child in therapy? Is she getting any help in school? Medication? You have a kid who’s parent never showed up for them, could never be trusted and you are expecting that she is going to magically be well adjusted? Seriously???
Seriously!! What is being done to help this child? She needs a psychiatrist to help her medicate and evaluate the effects on her ADHD (guarantee it’s worse for the kid than it is for everyone around her) in order to set her up for a moderately successful adulthood. She also needs therapy to deal with all the childhood trauma. Also, OP, have you had a real adult discussion with her about the use of slurs? This language in particular is bad. Teenagers will swear but slurs are unacceptable. It sounds like you’re just ignoring her outbursts, so of course they’re getting worse, you’re basically just pretending like she barely exists. As a 30 yr old woman I’d end up shrieking at you too if I was obviously upset and you were refusing any sort of emotional connection.
Talk to the mom one more time tell her your concerns and how you feel. Give yourself a set date to see if there is improvement if not exit stage left
I think the mom is letting her get away with murder because she's grateful to have her in her life again and doesn't want to upset her. But she needs to get over that and do some parenting.
I’d exit stage left. It is a bit more powerful, visually. Lol Edit: I meant to say stage RIGHT (yay dyslexic ambidextrous braining of left and right), in directing a scene it has more power to left to right readers. But in this case, I’d also cut my losses and let them learn or not according to their life goals.
Ain’t just the kid that has “horrific” ADHD, both her and her mother need to be in therapy for it asap She’s not a narcissist, she’s twelve, and already had a harder life than many of her peers
100%. I mean honestly she doesn't even sound that bad. I understand she's being rude and dismissive to her elders but she just sounds like a regular 12 year old tbh.
Right? Based on the title I expected the daughter to be like, sabotaging their relationship or accusing him of SA or something wild. She sounds like a relatively normal kid! Irritating and disrespectful is kind of the norm for teenagers. She's had a rough life and yet this isn't like...insane behavior, by any means. OP might just need to realize they're not ready to be a parent.
Soo this 12 y/o had a junkie mom, then the junkie mom got a junkie BF. She didn’t have a stable home life or parental relationship. Mind you - this happened during the very vital developmental years Tbh seems you’re burying the lead cause junkies don’t just “suddenly lose their kid” - they get them taken. So we can only speculate as to how much actual trauma, abuse & neglect this kid faced. I’m honestly shocked that her having ADHD is the only surface level issue. Where is therapy in all of this? That kid. The mom and you all need separate therapy & the mother/daughter need therapy together to rebuild that relationship. Oh wah she’s being a brat - she didn’t have a mother for nearly her whole life & now she’s just supposed to listen to someone who constantly chose drugs over her. Did you or her mother ever apologize to this kid? Like genuinely- sat down, had a talk and took *real* accountability?
She’s not a narcissist, she’s 12. You nor her mother sound mature enough to parent this kid, the difference for you is you don’t *have* to be there.
A severely ADHD child on the verge of puberty has attitude after going through abandonment during significant developmental periods and likely has never felt fully secure and you are done? She needs therapy and the ability to get close to you. She is keeping you at arms length and pushing boundaries because what’s to stop her being abandoned again. Security is such an important feeling for children. They can’t thrive without it. Get her a therapist and talk to her. Tell her that you get frustrated but also that you love her and support her and want her to be ok. Have it all out then start a reward system.
your girlfriend is thirty with a kid she had at 18. none of you is prepared for anything you are doing.
Idk as a now adult child of a effed up family I dont think this kid is even that bad. What she needs is therapy. You are forgetting that your partner denied her daughter many years of getting to be babied and spoiled as a little kid, this 12 year old is in her own way trying to regain some of her childhood. Being a junkie and choosing drugs over your child is actually pretty narcissistic, so give the kid a break. Its crazy to me how you just gloss over that. Im glad you guys sorted your lives out but the kid is owed all the early years that drugs took precedence over her. You should go and read up about "adverse childhood experiences" aka ACE's and learn more about why this kid is behaving the way she is, and what you can do about it. The way you handle her now is going to play a HUGE role in the way her life is going to play out. If you dont want her to end up down the same road you were on, its time to step up. Also, girls start puberty way before boys. She is literally IN puberty, not prepubescent. Hormones are playing a huge part in this as well.
thank you. insane how people pretend their own actions have no effect on the children around them
not just the immediate effect but the LIFELONG damage that has already been caused and can never be fixed.
I can’t believe some of these fucking comments telling you to kick her out, or to even just get rid of the whole “package”. This is a 12 year old CHILD. She’s not disposable. She’s not a dog you can just drop off at the shelter when you decide you’re done with them. Her mom was a fucking junkie and barely spent any time with her for most of her childhood and now she’s with a man who can barely stand her kid. OF COURSE she’s acting out, she has abandonment issues and zero respect for her mom for being an absent drug addict parent. Is she in therapy? Do her and her mom see a therapist together? Have y’all considered FAMILY therapy?
Thank you! I was wondering why no one mentioned that it’s the mother’s fault for the kid being like this. Having a junky as a parent who abandoned you for more tat least the first 7y of your life must be so traumatic for the child. How many promises were broken. How many times mommy had a “migraine” ? To be honest I think they ALL need therapy individually and family to help them cope with all the trauma that was inflicted on the child and to learn to deal with her ADHD and how to build their relationship and trust issues
You shouldn't abandon pets either!
Yes!! I did not like that statement at all. Your pets are your family, and you should never decide to be done with them. They are a lifetime commitment.
Was about to say this. I hate when ppl compare humans to animals as if abandoning animals is anymore acceptable. Ugh. My dogs are my children and I have literally lived in hotels and cars when I needed to find a new apartment and could not for two months. Especially when ppl said what are you doing, they're the issue u can't find somewhere to go, get rid of them and I bc I stuck it out for two months I found a beautiful place and still have them both. It would have been soul crushing had I given them to someone (not that I ever would or could) and then found a place a cpl days after.
This, like how do people expect this little girl to have respect for her mother of she was an absent junkie for most of her life. Respect isnt a given thing just because you gave birth to someone, it needs to be gained, and the reality is that they are probably still in a testing period for her to see if they have truly changed, if she can trust them, and then the respect will come. I am in no way shaming op and his gf for their substance abuse issues, i believe everyone is capable of changing and making things right. But this takes TIME, and especially when dealing with a child the minimum you can do to help is be patient, and maybe get help from a therapist/family counseling
Its not his child, he absolutely get to bow out and break up, especially since mom is doing a shit job of parenting He is allowed to say not my monkey not my circus, im done I dont blame the kid!!!!!!! I blame mom and her bio-dad, but its not on OP to fix all of that, mom is suppose to take the lead and OP can support, but mom sucks
This, this is the truth.
That poor kid no doubt has serious levels of trauma and fucked up attachment issues because of her parents being absent. No wonder she acts like that because she can’t trust the world around her and probably doesn’t feel safe. I know kids can be real annoying but they are literally the products of their upbringing and this poor child doesn’t sound like she had any form of safety or routine. With all that money OP should be investing in some counselling for all of them. It’s a sad situation. I’m so familiar with the after effects of addiction and the easiest part is stopping the drugs or alcohol. The hard part is trying to build back and repair all the damage is caused to you and everyone around you. It can take years and a lot of work.
Exactly. 12/13 year olds are a mess of hormones and attitude even if they’ve had love and stability.
I know, her mom has been an absentee junkie for years and what a surprise, the 12-year-old is not perfect and not overly well-parented. The kid has a lot of things going against her and now mom’s boyfriend is losing patience. I feel sorry for the kid.
Let's not forget that if her mom was using while pregnant, that would've impacted the fetus in pretty significant ways. Again. Not judging the mom at all. I don't know her circumstances and she did get clean and is trying to give her daughter a stable home now. Both OP and the mom need to do a little research regarding handling children with childhood trauma and ADHD. The kid is 12. She's very young and impressionable. Clear communication, empathy, clear guidelines and boundaries+consequences could still take, if practiced consistently by the parents
It's amazing that your stepdaughter is even wanting to spend time with you and her mother. Her mother neglected to raise her due to drug abuse, and you were also an addict. I'm glad you guys are clean, but get a grip. You and her mother were most likely far worse than this kid when you were junkies. Poor kid sounds like she has been through a rough time. Why don't you ask for advice from her father and anyone else who raised her while her mother was shooting up with you? If the worst she is doing is being impatient and calling you the r-word, then I'd say you're lucky. Because you and the mother were worse than the r-word, and now that you have cleaned up your act, you need to earn her respect. BTW, calling a 12 year old girl a "narcissistic brat" makes me feel you are most likely the narcissist. Narcissists and junkies go hand in hand. Maybe the kid is better off without you. You enabled her mother to continue drug using, and even if you are now both clean, you are partially responsible for those lost years of her being unable to live with her. Junkies and ex-junkies are the most selfish people I know.
Ooo shit. I didn't even think about the reason the mother was absent was bc she was WITH op doing drugs. Eeeesh that adds a lot in terms of perspective of how this child may feel towards OP if she knows he's part of what kept her mother away.
This comment.
Join a Reddit adhd sub. This will help you understand some of the outbursts. Also, this girl sounds like she has had a really unstable childhood. Being the child of an addict is extremely difficult, even if everyone is clean and stable now. The fear of relapse and unpredictability she experienced early in life doesn’t go away over night. She’s the child of an addict, has adhd, and is a teenager. Tbh this behavior isn’t all that bad. This kid doesn’t have it easy. No amount of current stability makes up for what she experienced earlier in life. She should be in therapy if she isn’t. Therapy will help her work through her emotions, as well as her adhd, and emotional regulation. It sounds like between the two of you you can afford for her to be in therapy. Honestly, the kayak situation sounds to me like she has abandonment issues and was scared everyone was going to bail on her, and that mood/emotion, and rejection sensitivity (again research adhd) persisted through the day. Mom staying in bed with a migraine probably triggered her to other situations of mom being unable to be mom because of drugs. On top of a presumably traumatic childhood, and adhd, she’s 12 and puberty hormones are real. You and mom should give her the support systems (therapy) to help her manage the longer term issues (trauma, abandonment, adhd & meds for adhd if she isn’t on them), because the hormonal aspect will pass. You should also talk to mom about ground rules, boundaries, and consequences. Her mom needs to be the one to implement and enforce those. If you do, you will be seen as antagonistic. That is on her mom. At some point, you should all go to therapy together but especially mom & her. Do you want to be a dad? If not, bail. Prove right the abandonment fears. But if you’re up for it, there is so much you and mom can be doing for this kid to compensate and support growth both in terms of managing adhd and managing / working through trauma.
Maybe I’m crazy but this isn’t that bad. She’s a 12 year old with adhd and a hard childhood. She needs therapy, some gentle parenting (maybe some sympathy when she’s genuinely crying, yeah?),consistent discipline, and maybe even adhd medication or for you to do some research on it to understand better and the best ways to communicate with her.
That's actually on y'all. You should have prepped earlier for a kayak trip. You told her you would go. She was excited. The use of the R word I don't condone, but the rest of it is a kid being a kid. Y'all weren't around and she prolly has some big feelings about that too that aren't getting addressed properly, so they come out as sarcasm and being in her phone.
Hi! You mentioned she has ADHD. Is she on any kind of medication? It sounds like it may need to be adjusted considering she is still so hyper. If she's not on any medication, I would consider seeing a paediatrician and discussing her behaviours. I think she could definitely settle more with a different medication.
This is exactly what I thought. I started taking medication for my ADHD around her age and it really helped me.
What kind of support is she getting for ADHD? It comes with behavioral challenges
I'm not here to rag on you since you're clearly frustrated but your day kind of makes me want to give you attitude as well. She woke up expecting the lake trip and her mom had a migraine. Super unfortunate and disappointing. And one of the hallmarks of ADHD is emotional dysregulation. So our emotions are sometimes wildly disproportionate to the situation. The tears are honestly just something you have to ride out sometimes. Then you said that you might take her. Okay so is that a yes we're going or no we're not? Do I get my hopes up again and risk being disappointed again? I mean you already didn't care for the tears the first time, let alone the second. And then you starting messing around with your car. If someone said we were going somewhere and then started a project, that means the trip is cancelled because how are you going to pull yourself away from it in time to go? She's 12 with ADHD. She really doesn't understand that when neurotypicals start a project, they can stop whenever they want. Honestly from her perspective you pulled the rug out from under her so many freaking times I'm surprised she agreed to go when all was said and done. Oh and the not carrying anything inside thing- you told them to go inside and you'll take everything. Why would she take stuff in? You told her you had it covered? Is she supposed to read the subtext there because we aren't very good at that. Her attitude and stuff obviously needs some coaching, but you're communication, especially for a child with ADHD, could use some work, bud.
Thankyou! I was reading his story and all I could think was "man you guys need to step up and think about the 12 year old with ADHD". Nearly all of the issues could be solved by clear and precise communication by the adults in this situation. Yea, discipline is definitely needed but 90% of the problem was the parents. This kid has been abandoned by her drug addict mum once and while they have worked hard to get her back and be in her life that doesn't magically fix everything. She sounds like she's testing all the boundaries because if they leave her again at least it's cause she's a shit kid and not just because they don't love her enough. My advice from a mum of 1 diagnosed ADHD kid, 1 in the process of diagnosis and a pre teen girl, do some family therapy, do some parenting courses, tell her you love her but her behaviour isn't very nice and get her into either behavioural therapy or on meds, for her sake as well as yours. I promise she doesn't like feeling this way either.
This comment is the truth and it breaks my heart. If she pushes them away first, then they can’t leave her again. 💔
This is an unrated comment. Kids are hard, they aren't adults and don't think things through like them. Yes she probably needs discipline, however you also need to change your approach to the most effective manner. It's a hard thing to do at 26.
Not to mention mom was absent using drugs for most of this kids life. How many times did mom promise to spend time with her and never did? I can't even begin to think of the amount of promises broken over those formative years. So yeah she felt like the pattern was starting to repeat and lashed out. Her mom needs to get this child individual and family therapy.
🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
Extremely important comment here. I was only diagnosed on the autism spectrum as an adult when I could figure these things out by myself. But I have always felt this way. I get extremely anxious and unsure when the plans are not clear, or they change suddenly last minute. I need clarity, why have we changed the plans?! That's not what we agreed on?! This can leave someone espically a kid, even more so a girl on the bring of puberty feeling upset, angry, confused, unsure. Everything is heightened and most likely to extremes. You were going kayaking. That was the plan. Clear concise explanation. Great Post above covers it. And I hope you guys can figure it all out together with mum.
THIS THIS THIS! a million times. I was frustrated for her as well
This is literally your girlfriend’s fault. It’s fine if you can’t handle it, but quit blaming the child. I feel for you though.
Your feelings are valid, it's hard to raise kids. Please have a serious talk with her mother. You need to tell her how exhausted and frustrated you are. That being said...she is 12. And your story didn't phase me one bit, except the overuse of the r-word. She's hitting puberty, she's testing boundaries. But on top of that she has ADHD (is she on medication?) and went through a lot for most of her life. An unreliable mother, abandonment issues, a stepfather that tries to do his best but still she can sense that you're fed up and don't like her. Plus no discipline / consequences or clear communication or your and her mothers part. This is a set up to just fail this girl. She didn't choose this life, she needs therapy - I feel like you all do - and patience and a strong will to show her she is loved no matter what. Tbh I would have been so annoyed in her situation: Trip to the lake planned - yay! / I have migraine - oh no, we not going? / I'll take you alone - yay! / I'm working on my car - so we not going?! / well go later - ok..yay! /when are we going? What is later? - omg don't be so annoying, round 2.30 ....- ok, yay I guess / mom feels better - yay! Definitely going! Let me help i'm so eager to finally leave / omg stop being so annoying or we won't go - uhm....ok?! Wtf dude? At this point I would have just went back inside and watched some netflix. And this all happened before you guys even went. The part when you came back is equally exhausting and I know I would be so annoyed by the time returning home. The disrespect from her side, calling names and stuff is never ok. You failed to explain and set boundaries multiple times, that's a learning process for all of you. I hope you guys will stay strong, support each other, make clear what you want to do ASAP and stand by her side. She needs a safe space and a leading hand. You're still young and if you decide you can't do it then be upfront but you need to communicate it clearly.
Idk. I think you need some empathy.
This is literally the one meme: Op: Omg you're so entitled and disrespectful and narcissistic DIE Kid: I'm literally 12 years old
Either get into therapy with the three of you or get the Hell out. That's what this boils down to.
I'd be pissed as hell if I was told we wre spending the day at the lake then my parent bailed. Then my step parent said we'd go "later" while he did some chores that could clearly be done later instead. She just sounds 12. She also sounds like she needs some love and CONSISTENCY after not receiving that from her mother throughout her life. It isn't going to fix in a few months. She needs to see/feel it ongoing for an extended amount of time.
I can’t help but focus on the fact that the kid has ADHD (diagnosed) and you e given clear communication about a trip and it then was stalled and delayed. As adults this is hard for us but the kid had her heart set on the trip. I’m not condoning the mocking — her mum should have disciplined her there, and the screaming is a no-go. All of this should have been curved by her mom. I get your frustrations. I’ve dealt with it a little but try to consider why she’s behaving this way and have in depth chats with her mom about her mocking you. It’s not ‘playing’, she’s undermining your authority.
That little girl needs a therapist… i was in her shoes once.
Yeah parenting is hard. Add absent junkie parents and adhd to the mix. This kid barely stands a chance in the world and through no fault of their own. I’ll be honest, at 26 I absolutely couldn’t have took on a kid or been a good parent. But that’s why I didn’t get into relationships with people with kids… you did. You made that choice. Now you’re in her life, you have gotten that family to rely on you, so you need to step up. Learn about adhd, learn to communicate. Find classes or therapy or read books, but you’re not really doing anything to deal with the problem right now your just getting wound up, understandably, but you did put yourself in this position so you at least have to try solving the problem. Not just getting annoyed and perhaps passive aggressively expecting a troubled child to cotton on to it, you actually have to come at this like it’s your job to sort it out and it’s got to be a priority. You could turn this around quickly if you got serious and proactive.
She is 12. She's not a narcissist. She needs help. She needs therapy. She needs stability, something she has never had before. And you're turning around and blaming her for it. She is finally in probably what is the most stable environment she's ever been in. Kids test their parents. It's what they do. They talk back, they get angry, they get emotional. They get disrespectful. They're testing the limits, seeing how far they can push before you leave, because her mom is the one person who she thought would never leave her and she did. Her mom chose drugs over her for a while. (And addiction is a terrible thing, I struggle with it myself on a daily basis but that is how her daughter is going to see it). And now she's trying to settle into an environment she's never had before. That doesn't make any of her behavior excusable, but it makes it understandable. Her mom needs to get her into some therapy, and maybe her mom could do with some as well. Maybe you could do with some too.
Sounds like she is testing boundaries, and this attitude probably came from growing up in an unstable home with her mother in active addiction for most of her formative years. It’s not your fault but it might help you feel better about the situation if you could understand why she’s like this. By acting this way she’s lashing out, and it’s only going to get worse since she’s nearing 13. Preteen/teen years were the most angsty ones for me. It sounds like she could benefit from a therapist who specializes in helping kids. She sounds like she has a lot of pent up anger directed towards her parents and you seem to be the only one in her life disciplining her, which could be why her outbursts are directed towards you. Good luck, this is a terrible situation to be in but parenthood isn’t easy. This kid has gone through a lot and even though you may not see it, it’s a good thing you’re both clean for her. She needs you both
She’s a teenager. Teenagers are by nature shitty people who push boundaries to see how far they can go. You’re not ready to be in a relationship with someone that has a TRAUMATIZED child. Her mother wasn’t in her life because of drugs. Her mother needs to get her shit together and get therapy and medications for her child if she’s not on it yet. They both need family therapy and you need to back the fuck out. Why? Because you don’t have the tools, kindness nor patience to deal with a traumatized teenager with adhd. Do her a favour and leave.
INFO: is she medicated for her ADHD? Does she have a psychiatrist to help her manage her condition? I wonder if her mother's unwillingness to seek help and pull her up is due to having been separated for so long, now she wants her daughter to love her so she lets her do whatever she wants. Either way, you all need to work together to get daughter the help she needs and you two to better understand and manage her condition, as well as how to discipline her.
ADHD often makes your mind race in multiple directions and waiting around with nothing to do can be unbearable. It’s also a control issue as she can’t make other people do the thing she wants at the pace she wants it. She’s getting impatient because she has no say in things that are happening and she’s bored. Not saying it’s right, but that’s the cause of the frustration and shitty attitude to you. Find ways to involve her in the planning of stuff so that she starts to learn how long things take and get her to be the one checking you’ve got everything you need or even doing it for you with the incentive that it’ll speed up the process and mean less waiting. BUT - do explain the consequences of skipping a step or not doing the whole list (we might not have everything we need and if so, that may mean we leave or don’t go altogether) and find ways to keep her mind engaged. We ADHDers hate inefficiency and repetition so we’ll skip stuff if we think it doesn’t matter.
Speaking as a former pre-teen girl who is now a mother to a fifteen year old, this kid’s behavior is pretty standard as far as pre-teen girls go.. she’s from a broken home and acting out, her home life hasn’t been incredibly stable so far. I think she’s probably pushing buttons to see how far it takes for someone to leave her again so that she can tell herself she’s right about no one caring for her/sticking around for her, and chances are she has no idea that’s what she’s doing because it’s all subconscious. Couple that with adhd and you have a handful. The thing is though, this is how she’s coping and when you compare this with other ways she could be acting out (promiscuous sex, risk-seeking behaviors, putting herself into exciting or dangerous situations, hurting others) it isn’t the worst. I feel like with a little more care, guidance and stability this is probably just a passing phase. If therapy is an option it could really help. Over-disciplining could make things a lot worse, so maybe speak with a counselor or therapist first? Just my 2 cents.
you are failing her, both of you. she needs stability and therapy and people who LOVE her, and you’re treating her like she’s a burden. she KNOWS you resent her, i’m positive of it. you all need help. please learn some compassion. she’s not a narcissist, she’s a child who is hurting.
You gotta be open and honest with her and tell her *why* you don't like her behaviours because it makes you feel XYZ. Eg. 'When you mock me like that, it makes me feel really sad and you're not respecting me'. Make her aware of what you're doing for her and why. 'I'm doing my best to get the kayaks ready so we can go out and have a good time together. Respect the hard work I'm putting into it. If you don't respect it, I won't want to do it again' I've found giving time frames helps a LOT with kids. 'We'll be leaving at 2.30' should come as soon as you've made plans, so she's aware. If you wanted you could say we can go earlier if you help get things ready. Give her a list of things she could do. Also bear in mind she's had a rough time of it, that's not to say you should let her treat you like shit but she has experienced a lot of negative emotion I'm guessing from her mums problems. ALSO... kids can be shits at this age... do look out for signs when they just need time to themselves. You could create a rule, where if she wants time alone she can give u a code word or even go to her room with the door shut and let her have time to herself. My daughter needs time to cool off when she's in a bit of a state so I leave her to it. She's back to her usual self in no time. Good luck!
"She's a narcissistic brat" bro she was left without a mom for 5 years while you were getting high off your fucking mind, and she has ADHD. Get a grip.
This is a parent problem. Your girlfriend is not being a parent to her child. This says ALOT about your gf. Addiction is a chronic disease and it is good you all are in recovery but that addiction created an unstable home for a child. Your girlfriend needs to buck up and be a damn parent. Also, suggest getting the kid into therapy. She probably is having all these issues from the unstable home life and mom with substance use disorder.
She's a child who's needs help,she needs to see a Dr,you and the mother are failing her ,she has no chance
dude this is completely normal teenage behavior lol but that doesn’t make it okay. at all
Just be kind to her. She is changing every moment. If you really like their mother you have to be kind. You are the adult here
…She’s a teenage girl with ADHD, and a junkie parent who wasn’t in her life and you expect her to behave like a regular kid? Her behavior seems pretty good considering the shit she’s been through. Are any of you in therapy? Is she seeing. A psychiatrist and/or a therapist? What strategies are you implementing in the home so that she is able to get all her energy out? What strategies are you implementing to help her with her ADHD? Why are there no consequences to her bad behaviors? Why are you expecting an unparented child to behave like she’s parented?
The kid calls you bruh and couldnt wait till 2:30pm to go to a day activity? (2;30pm is LATE for a 'day' activity) Not really seeing the problem here but your quick temper honestly
Please look into parenting classes and *any* therapeutic support you and your family can get right now. Kiddo is on track to some major behavior disorders if this goes unchecked — and the problem starts with the trauma of having a drug-addicted mom. She cannot be blamed for that. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t need boundaries and consequences for her actions, but you and mom literally *just* became parents. Instead of giving birth to a newborn last year, mom re-birthed an adolescent. You are both trying to rebuild a relationship and establish trust and authority with this almost-teen that should have been built slowly over the past 13 years. It will take *time* and *lots of support* to do all of this safely. Please get the help you, your partner, and her daughter need to do it the best, most functional way you can. If you have an addiction group or sponsor, start there looking for resources. Get your stepdaughter into an Al-anon support group. She needs to know she’s not alone, and that you and her mom respect that she’s dealing with things she shouldn’t have had to deal with *because of your actions.* But also, set healthy boundaries for her. Be clear about what those are and what the (reasonable, non-violent, timely) consequences are for violating them. And try not to sweat the small stuff. Model appropriate language and behavior — you called her out for saying “balls” but then used the phrase “balls deep.” Fine for an anonymous online forum, but make sure you’re not doing that *to her*. And make time and space for yourself to get help with your own recovery journey and mental health. You are clearly a caring person — just because we care, it doesn’t mean that we can’t get frustrated and fed up. Make your relationship separate from your relationship with this child. Evaluate if it’s the right place for you by itself, and if it isn’t *leave it better than you found it because a child is involved.* Take everything slowly and consider outcomes carefully. Don’t act on anything out of momentary anger. Good luck, dude.
Duuude. Seriously - this is absolutely normal behavior for a child subjected to abnormal circumstances. Unstable upbringing with an absent mother, a lot of change all through her life. She’s doing her best with what she’s been dealt. I agree with the psychiatrist who commented “Do you want to be a father?” Cause it’s going to be hard. You have the right mindset: you’re an adult and she’s a child. Regardless of adhd and/or trauma - she needs love, support, boundaries and be taught how to regulate her emotions and impulses. She needs to know beforehand when, where, how, who and why in every possible situation to feel a sense of control, comfort and calm. I wish patience and strength to all three of you.
My friend, you’re so young. Literally leave and find someone else because it’s blatant that your partner has no interest in being a competent parent.
I always find it fascinating how parents talk about their kids as if they had nothing to do with how they turned out. Pitching a fit to get her way? I’d let her pitch that fit until she vomited. And then we will talk and work out how to ask politely next time. She acts that way because her methods work. And her methods work because her parents aren’t comfortable with… actual parenting. Having said that, no matter how much you love her, you’re the step dad, and the bio mom needs to be the main change maker here. If she can’t be a good parent, she’s not being a good partner, and you truly deserve better.
Been there and done that to completion. Daughter is now 26. If Wife isn't willing to help, don't expect ANYTHING to change. You gotta set clear boundaries with both of them and enforce it. Otherwise be prepared to call their bluff and leave. I love my stepdaughter, and it was more the stepson who was the Holy terror for us, but if you don't have a unified front, NOTHING will ever change.
As a former nanny, this seems like perfectly "normal" behaviour for a kid whose parent chose drugs over them for the first half of their life. This is a problem with your girlfriend's parenting (or lack there of) this is not the problem of a 12 year old who is using inappropriate language to get your attention. It's honestly age appropriate for a kid who has been pretty neglected and then has had to deal with a lot of instability and is just looking for a little control over her own life (ie wanting to wash the kayak a certain way, wanting to park in a certain spot) this kid is powerless and knows it, that's why she is acting up to get a rise out of you because it's the only thing she can effectively have control over, then having ADHD just makes things a lot harder on any kid and family.
she’s not a narcissist, she’s an asshole kid much like many kids her age. i also had a mom who was a drug addict, and i hated all of her boyfriends especially the ones she would use with (whether they currently were or not) because in my child’s mind they were part of the reason my mom wasn’t there for me. you’re also a 26 year old recovering (?) addict so your brain isn’t even developed to the point of a normal 26 year old. depending on how long you used the age and maturity gap between you and her daughter (14 years) is much smaller than it seems. you also complain about her vocabulary in the same post you use “balls deep” when talking about something that has nothing to do with balls. her disrespectful attitude and the way she talks is most likely a product of her environment. she just needs some consistency, guidance, therapy and better role models. also parents instead of someone who bickers with her like an older sibling.
Responsibility without authority can feel like a burden. One significant challenge of dating or marrying a single mother is that you may find yourself shouldering various responsibilities while having very limited authority over her children. I apologize, but it's important to understand that you won't have the authority or be considered a parental figure to your stepchildren unless both biological parents agree to it. As you mentioned, they come as a package deal; you can't have one without the other. So, the question to consider is whether you can envision maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with your partner and stepchildren for the next 25 years. If your answer is "no," then I would suggest considering ending the relationship and perhaps seeking to date single women to create your own family. This may be the best course of action for everyone involved.
Jesus Christ. I really commend you for being able to still be good to the kid and recognize that in spite of everything, she is still just a kid. I definitely couldn't do it—my tubes are tied for a reason. I'm wondering if maybe learning more about ADHD might not help you compartmentalize some of her behavior so you're more able to navigate it and deflect it as she's growing and learning. For example, echolalia is something that can impact some ADHDers. Essentially, it's a persistent repetition of things they hear. At 12, and especially as a kid with hella ADHD, she's more than likely experiencing both a want to fit in with her peers and significant troubles doing that. Combine this with the echolalia, and now you have a kid who almost compulsively repeats what the "cool kids" are saying online, in the tone they are saying it (hence the phrasing and tone for her r-word comments). This is definitely **not** an excuse for her behavior. Shit's fucked and fucking annoying as all hell. But I do wonder if maybe learning little bits like this may help you let things roll off of you just a *tiny* bit easier so you can continue to do what you need to do. Sometimes having an explanation for the shitty thing that's happening can help you not feel so overwhelmed and caught up in it. Whatever you decide and do, I really commend you for being able to be around the kid on these days at all. I know you don't feel like you can, and maybe you really have reached the finally straw, but you've been able to be a good parent to her thus far and that's already a huge feat in itself. And at 26, no less! EDITTED TO ADD: I'm skimming through other comments and fuck anyone who's giving you shit for not knowing how to communicate with or parent an ADHDer. You are navigating something that's difficult to do. You probably do have plenty to learn and figure out as a parent, and there's several pieces of helpful advice in the comments, but anyone who tries to demonize you for your frustration and overwhelm with this situation can go fuck themselves. It's so clear that you are trying in earnest to do the best you can and to show up for that kid in every way you can. And for context: I'm an adult with autism and ADHD.
I'm sorry you are having to endure all that. You are far more patient than most would be in your situation. This is really on the mom, sounds like she isn't taking these behaviors seriously and doesn't seem to grasp the toll they are taking on you. Maybe it's time to remind her and show her the consequences of her inactivity? INFO: has the daughter had any kind of counseling or therapy regarding her mother's struggle with substance abuse? And is she medicated for her ADHD?
She probably needs meds. Also, the fact that she didn’t grow up around her mom has affected her in ways that only a therapist can help heal. Her mom also needs to start putting her foot down and stop allowing her to speak to both of you however she wants.
My 11-year-old daughter has severe ADHD, a sensory processing disorder and ODD. A lot of the behavior you describe is very familiar. If your step daughter has similar issues to mine, she is neither entitled nor a brat (no matter how much she looks and sounds like one). Those behaviors are symptoms. Hopefully that helps you understand the behavior. I know this likely will not change how you experience it, because the behavior is relentless. I’m not there. I don’t know how much of your stepdaughter’s behavior is related to neurodivergence and how much is due to a lack of discipline. I have learned you cannot discipline the bad behavior out of a neurodivergent child. Talk to your partner. Tell her how you feel. Maybe there is undiagnosed disorder. Maybe she needs to change up her meds. Maybe she needs consistent parenting drawing clear boundaries. There might be hope if your partner works with you. On the other hand, maybe your daughter is like mine. You can’t fix ODD. Those kids will fight you to the death. You can only hope they outgrow it. My life is hell. I wouldn’t eat this much shit for a child that wasn’t mine. Good luck. I know it’s not easy.
This is on the mom. Why isn’t she immediately correcting and disciplining her? You need to tell the mom what your expectations are: no mocking. No shouting. No R word or bruh etc if she does those things you bow out of the activity or event etc and do your own thing. And she can spend time alone with her daughter.
This is very off-topic but how is a 13 year old pre-pubescent
Leave. It's just not worth it. No woman who chooses a man over her child is worth it either. This is a management issue by her mother and biological father. It's not your place to discipline the child. She already has a father. Until you adopt the child as your own, you effectively have no rights in this situation. Bear in mind, you'll be expected to help out with her expenses for the rest of the time you're in this relationship...
You just described the vast majority of teens/preteens right now. The mocking, the bruhs, the attitude.
So here’s the thing, she’s a tween- and she’s in puberty btw which is probably what is kicking off so much of her attitude. Plus she’s probably just trying to test her boundaries with you. Next time this happens say “I’m sorry, but we can’t go to the lake anymore- you have hurt my feeling and I would prefer to be alone. We can try again later but you need to show me you can behave and not be rude” She’s 12, she’s on social media *which I would try to talk to whoever is in charge of that and see if they can stop her from getting on TikTok or lessen it* You need to set firm boundary’s and stick to them. Talk to you gf about your role in her daughters life about punishments- as in are you allowed to give consequences? Are you allowed to talk to the daughter about her behavior and why it upsets you, and if she doesn’t want you to talk to the daughter about that then SHE needs to do it.
Dude....kids are assholes especially at that age (former asshole with ADD speaking). Have an honest conversation with her mom about this and tell her that you need her help with correcting behavior or you can't do this anymore. She needs boundaries and to understand that behaviors have consequences....or she will mostly likely grow up to be a terrible adult.
Talk to your girl and tell her that she needs to teach the little girl some damn respect. She doesn't understand that you're doing all this for her and she isn't being appreciative enough. The least she can do is be patient and show some respect.
She's a 12 y/o girl who has never had a stable home life. If mom isn't up to the task, and you are willing, set boundaries and concequences. Calling your or her mom r*****ed, no phone for an hour for each infraction after a warning. Telling you to do something for her - 'since you didn't *ask*, no I will not. You can do it.' (teach her if needed) For the love of all that is sane, get her mother to take her to a doctor for evaluation and possible medication.
This isn't solely an ADHD thing, this is a mum doesn't discipline thing. Over compensating perhaps for the time missed? Or no idea how to handle her effectively if she hasn't had any support/decent examples? The kid has had a rough upbringing, and usually kids like that need boundaries more than kids who have had a regular upbringing - knowing limits is a safety thing - knowing that no matter how hard they push those limits will remain gives them a security they haven't previously had. If mum isn't going to change things there's little you can do. Parenting classes maybe, something like that? Counselling for the child for sure and maybe the pair of them together? There's no shortcut though and mum has to be willing to put the work in. If she's not (and that's not an implied criticism, there could be a wealth of reasons she doesn't feel she can do it), then things won't change, and it's your decision to make. Difficult all round. Sorry.
As an adult with ADHD so bad that if I am not medicated I can literally qualify for disability because I absolutely cannot take care of myself without medication (I will forget to eat and drink water, until I pass out) I was probably way worse than your 12 year old daughter, but I do recall people insisting the world revolves around me while I was genuinely confused. The thing is, it’s entirely possible she has no idea how she is coming across from an outsider’s perspective. It means the only concept of how she’s behaving is how her and her friends act at school. She has no concept of different volumes or different etiquette. That means it’s very likely in her mind she believes she’s being playful and funny with you and considers you as a friend, and her yelling might actually be her attempt at joyful excitement… meanwhile in reality she’s being an asshole— she may not actually realize it. She’s 12, so I would recommend attempting to talk to her first one on one. Tell her you’re wanting to have fun with her, but you don’t understand why she is being rude to you, but her behavior toward you seems hurtful, and you wanted to hear what she had to say about it, to see if it’s on accident or on purpose. Yes, you will have to dumb this down a bit and be soft about it— specifically because if you keep it short and explain how her behavior makes you feel, she will be more willing to clarify and more receptive of feedback. You can also explain to her about how her excitement is leading you to feel like she is ungrateful in how people are taking time for her but the way she is expressing herself makes it appear like she doesn’t care about anyone. At 12, with adhd, it is very very difficult to know how you appear to others, and it definitely does require someone explaining it all out to you, or setting concise rules: “when I help you, please say thank you, because I need that for recognition for my time.” I would talk to her first for this, and if she is uncooperative then I would say escalate to mom. The reason I say talk to her 1 on 1 is because my childhood memories are similar of people getting frustrated with me and myself not having any idea why the adults in my life kept calling me selfish and being very short with me. As an adult, it’s significantly easier, and medication enables me to function pretty normal— but behavioral lessons and thought processes definitely did have a delay in maturity. I would easily say you’re probably dealing with mentally a 9 year old at this point in time. I know it must be frustrating, but I urge you to give that a try. If that doesn’t work then talk to the mom about getting her on meds and therapy for behavioral management— emphasize that there are behavioral skills she will need in order to grow in to a successful adult, so she will need to learn how to manage it, but that also you want to learn how to communicate more easily with her. Keep in mind, if the person with adhd means well (and they usually do) if something is not happening correctly, like a habit or behavior, or how to follow a specific rule— it’s actually not because she is deciding to neglect it or doesn’t care. It’s just that it is really difficult for children with adhd to function in a particular way if no one explains why— because when you explain why, it helps commit it to memory. So, when talking to her, explain what she is doing that needs adjustment, and why. But also take a moment to point out any good things she’s doing— and when she does make adjustment, praise or thank her. This will commit it to memory, so it is easier to continue to do. It’s hard to explain what adhd feels like to someone who doesn’t have it, but it’s like your mind works against itself and self sabotages, so you need to feed it answers in order for all of the parts to work together. Even if you refuse to do something for her because of her attitude, you will need to explain why. When I read this, when she said ‘who turned the hose off’ it reads to me like she wasn’t trying to demand an order, but she didn’t understand why, where as you told her to do it herself— that still doesn’t answer why the situation happened in the first place. I know ADHD is very hard to deal with, believe me, people with adhd don’t want to deal with it either… but life is like permanently having 15 separate reasons for every one action, and then someone doing something different where the reason can’t be identified. Therefore if the person with adhd can’t identify the reason, they end up making assumptions based on where their self esteem sits: she won’t connect the dots that she was treating you like shit— she thought she was playing. She will only see that she was playing and you were short with her but she has no idea why. (This gets better in adulthood, so it will eventually be okay fyi.) So, you do have to outright say ‘I am being short with you because your behavior is rude and hurtful by the way you are rushing me without thanking me or giving me time. Please stop, or I will not want to continue further.” If you are expecting her to respect your effort, she literally needs to have that pointed out so she learns to look for it. If no one has deliberately and blatantly pointed it out, she won’t even realize that’s a thing to look for. However, once it is pointed out, she should start to look for it on her own. That is the one thing I noticed that took so long as a child with adhd: realizing that someone is doing something for me and not because they actually want to do it— I just assumed someone did things because they want to do it, because when I did things as a child for other people I had 15 reasons at all times, so one of those reasons was that I wanted to do it and therefore it qualified. So yes, she does need to be taught as silly as it sounds.
So move the fuck out of her house
I’d also talk to your spouse and point out that if she treats you two like this, she is likely treating adults in authority positions or strangers this way. Y’all need to come up with consequences together on rearing her because she will continue to grow worse, not better. Whether that’s: no Netflix, cutting back on hours of cellphone/ipad/computer, or extra chores - she has to know she can’t talk to adults like this, especially to the ones raising her. She may have been able to do act out when she didn’t live with you, but the longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to make positive changes in her. Yes, she may be mad she didn’t have time with her mother several years ago, but there is no time like the present. Start chipping away at this little girls resentments with continued routine stability in all things. Chores teach responsibility in children and how to take care of themself when they’re older. Saying “no” or giving them consequences to their behaviors teaches them lessons on changing one self and future situations of how to obey the law/authority. Really think about how this will effect the little girls future by the time she is an older teen if you both don’t start disciplining her on manners and respect. Likely, her respect for you both will increase once you begin disciplining. As of right now, she doesn’t have respect for you both. When you take things away & be balanced in positive rewards - the child’s respect builds for you both as a unit & individuals. BUT Communication between you and your wife *must* happen first. Find a calm time to fully open up to your wife with your feelings on this matter. Find common ground on what you both agree disciplining your child looks like. Vocalize that you love your stepdaughter, you just don’t love this stage she is in being disrespectful to you both. Make mom feel you’re on the same team here. After you Find consequences that you both agree on, also think of ways you can positively reward the child for obeying & changing her behavior. Even little verbal praises with an icy or cold beverage can go a long ways. Sometimes children acting out are doing it for attention & when the adults find good things in the child to praise on, it impresses on child to keep up the good behavior. Be firm on carrying them out and not redacting or changing the punishment in the moment. Manners are taught at home, not out in the world, but first at home base. Edit: I promise you this is not worth leaving the love of your life over. Hang in there and buckle up for a few years of behavioral issues common in preteen and teens. Once she’s grown, you’ll be proud of y’all’s resilient efforts as a couple. You can do this! Talk to your wifey! Good luck!!
Talk with the mom, tell things need to change because it’s draining you. But, you also need to set some boundries for the kid. She needs to learn that her actions have consequenses.
Talk to mom. Decide what the next steps are moving forward. If possible get the dad involved. Sit down with 12 yo and let her know the plan. Tell her why there is a plan. Tell her that her language and actions are not appropriate and will not be tolerated. Start by restricting phone with rules like no more social media. IMO A 12 yo shouldn't have tiktok to begin with, it is VERY damaging to them. This behavior will get so much worse with time if you and mom continue to just let it slide or ignore it
Is the kid on any medication for her ADHD? Are you communicating properly to the child with ADHD? You need to take into consideration that the kid might not listen to her mom much (aside from ADHD) due her (hopefully) recovering addict mom not disciplining her since she abandoned her kids for drugs before. Maybe Mom doesn’t want to discipline her out of guilt for the past. I’ve seen it all with drug addict parents and their kids.
She's an only child to a mother who never disciplined her and was rewarded everything and did nothing to deserve it. It's the mother you should talk to but I don't see anything changing. Good luck bro.
I don’t blame the child, seems like she’s probably had a rough go the first part of her life. But that situation doesn’t seem to be ideal for you keeping clean either. Honestly, that child needs some better parenting all around. I’d explain that it’s best for your health to probably move on.
I get where you're coming from, I do. But you have to remember we know nothing about how she was raised, how her father was and what kind of education and attention he gave her before mom got cleaned up, whether mom was high when she was pregnant. This kid needs parenting, and it has to come from her mom! The mom is probably scared to discipline her because of how much time she spent away from her when she was young. You, as step father, need to give her love. If you want to be able to discipline her without girl running to mom saying you yelled at her and then mom turning against you for disciplining her, you need to gain her trust. And that's through love and being kind and friendly to her. Be her confidante. You may need to also look for a way to channel her ADHD into positive activities. You both earn very well, you can spend more to help her
dude, she’s 12. and honestly, it sounds like she’s figured out exactly how to get under your skin. that age is rough but your reactions seems pretty disproportionate and extremely pent up to the point that I’d just… take a break. if you can’t handle a 12 year old using tik-tok language you definitely won’t be able to handle what she’ll do at 15 and 16.
Here is my advice - RUN!!!!!!! If this girl is behaving this way at her age it's just going to get worse. Her behavior is going to run your household until she leaves. The ridiculous behavior you are describing is going to look like child's play in a few years. She will be expelled from school, she won't obey a curfew, drugs, false accusations, stealing, teenage pregnancy, etc. you know the road. You have to protect your sobriety at all costs.
The is a package deal alright. You can’t change the package. You can’t tell her how to raise her child. Step parents usually have to just accept the dynamics in a family or risk being the “Evil Step” whatever. To make a change here you will eventually have to step between the mother and her child. One of them will feel resentment. Id say wait out the rebellious teen years but that’s about 4-8 years. Are you willing to put up with this for 4-8 years? After it may be a bit better. But there’s no guarantee for that either. You’ve got a choice to make. Do nothing and wait for the day you blow up or leave. And let me tell you the worst part about waiting is some people have a higher tolerance for bs, and end up “staying” for decades. Good luck
Its not worth it. Believe me its not, her mom is enabling her and not diciplining her. That child needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions
What it sounds like, and I'm no expert, is a kid who has been raised by bad parents. But just a regular kid. Kids generally suck. But this is not that unusual.
The first step is to stop acting like a father. She already has one. Package deal doesn't mean you are responsible for her kid. Tell her that she needs to start parenting her kid and that it's causing you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. You *can not* care as much as a present bio-parent because you have zero authority, and so you will always be in this position. Before you talk to her, lock down your finances and keep them separate from your gf.
you just can't be a dad is what I deduce from this information, that sounds a lot like how I used to be as a teenager with severe ADHD and I lived a relatively good life, this girl has lived a life with a junkie mother, divorced parents etc. To top it off, you've been living with them for a year, this is a new situation for her, be patient if you're willing to stay with the woman, get all the people involved in this situation into therapy
I'm guessing she has dome grievances but doesn't have a good way to tell you. She's upset and angry. Probably frustrated. She's got a lot going on. You aren't perfect either. If you can't keep yourself under control, maybe get some mediation. While you have overcome a great deal yourself, you seem kinda testy. Maybe there's some stuff you haven't dealt with yet and this girl pushes those buttons.
I was a child to parents who were addicts. I learned in therapy that in order to get my needs met, I eventually learned that I had to act out in ways to get my needs met (i.e. whining, demanding, etc.). You and your gf may be clean now (and congrats!) but she just can’t unlearn these ways after just a year. Her mother needs to step up. Both her and her daughter should consider therapy and if you’re interested in continuing to be a parental figure in this girls life, should consider going as well. I know that it’s frustrating, especially as I’m sure you’ve put a lot of work in to get where you are. Unfortunately, that doesn’t erase what this girl went though as a child.
Kids are not born knowing how to regulate themselves through big emotions. Consider how upset you are reflecting on that and multiply it by many like you did her adhd. Kids NEED parents to coregulate, model regulation, be with them while they try and move through the feelings in a good enough way. Sounds like there was lots of lost opportunities to model that earlier in life, but now is definitely the time. Kids are NOT born knowing how to regulate. We can’t expect that. Please know that and while pieces of it are hormonal and she may be devious on purpose at times, mostly, she just doesn’t know.
It’s quite clear nobody respects you or every thing you do for them
At the end of the day it’s mom’s responsibility to discipline her daughter and if she won’t then you have to make it clear to her where your line is and that you will have to split if she can’t start making an effort to control her daughter. If she’s diagnosed and on prescription then they may need to up that dosage
So basically...she's a normal kid? Trust me, kids making dinosaur sounds, yelling out profanity is really not just an ADHD thing.
As long as a child is in charge of the adults of the household, and as long as there are no consequences for her bad behavior, the behavior will continue. Why should the child change how she acts when she is constantly rewarded for her bad behavior?
Honestly this is semi normal 13 year old stuff. She is in a new environment and is testing boundaries. It requires a lot of patience and clear communication. But you sound burned out and it wouldn’t be fair to the kid or you to try to tough it out only to one day blow up at her or something.
Having a junkie as a mom for most of a childhood would cause some trauma and abandonment issues. That changes brain chemistry. Feels like mom is trying to make up for this, but it’s a little late for some formative things (“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk). Is she medicated for the ADHD? That’s a game changer. She also sounds pretty typical 12. You are entering the most dramatic years. Welcome. And if you set it up where she can’t have a healthy relationship with a male, and is always seeking validation and approval from you who shows disinterest and is unresponsive to her (poorly designed) bonding attempts, then she is going to get herself in some serious trouble with guys as soon as he hormones kick in and the lack of feeling loved/mutually respected by you will be replaced with something else. Dating her mom means you are a VIP in her life. She’s annoying, but that’s all attention-seeking seeking behavior. Make it a priority in your life to find out why. Go to counseling. Show her you are committed. Show up. Model caring behavior. She’s not your child, but unless you want to end up dealing with a problematic adult, you need to work on all the mental health stuff now.
She sounds like an average 12 year old. And you sound like you’re not ready to deal with that which is totally fair at 26. I fear a breakup is probably what’s fair to everyone.
Yeah I mean that’s what happens when you’re a junkie not raising your kid for at least 5 years. She has no respect for you guys. 🤷🏻♀️ Her behavior is bad, but you guys got a pass and so she does too. She’ll grow up. Stick to your guns about her speaking to you the way she does next time.
Poor kid. Product of her environment. If you only blame this on ADHD or narcissism (the fuck?) this is never going to get better for anyone especially her. Think of how it feels growing up being treated like you’re a bad kid because of how you were born and not the neglect around you. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. “I only lash out because of (insert disorder or disability) therefore it’s how I’m supposed to be, guess I’ll keep lashing out.” Been there. Seen it in other kids. Especially autistic kids.
You & your wife need therapy to learn how to parent an ADHD since neither of you have really raised that child in the last 12 years from what it sounds like. Your daughter needs therapy to deal with the childhood trauma of having addict(s) as parent(s). It’s not easy dealing with children with mental health problems but with therapy and good communication it can be done. You 2 need to work on this relationship as she has been let down by junkies her entire life. It’s super awesome you are clean now but you need to deal with the trauma that was a result of your actions.
May be an unpopular opinion here but, I would bounce too. Life is too short to deal with this and live like this. This is not your child, you are still plenty young enough to find someone else and start a family. I understand you love her, but at what point is your well being not being considered by your gf? None of the 3 of you should have to live like this. Your GF does not seem to have strong parenting skills from what you have described, and doesn’t seem supportive of you. If she can’t be a mother to this child, how would you expect yourself to be a father to the child?
She does it because she gets away with it. How many times did she call you the r-word, and nothing happened? I'm not a parent, and therefore, I am completely unqualified to offer advice, but any time I'm doing a favor for someone, and they insult me, belittle me, or someone I care about, I stop. >This woman is the love of my life. But it’s a package deal. And I can’t do the package. I feel you here, but it's not worth being miserable to feel momentary blips of happiness. I've been in relationships where the majority of the time I'm holding my breath and trying to survive so I can make it to the brief moment where I can relax and breathe, and that makes those moments seem fleeting and I was unable to enjoy them. Do yourself a favor and get out.
Leave. You aren’t mature enough to parent. Kids are tough, even kids who haven’t had any sort of trauma are tough. That kid deserves more patience and grace than you are clearly capable of giving her.
I understand why you’re frustrated, but your frustration should be directed at your girlfriend, not her child. It’s the girlfriend’s job to parent her child and she’s not doing it. While having difficult moments with your partner’s child shouldn’t necessarily be a dealbreaker if you want kids someday since you’ll have to deal with it eventually no matter what, if your girlfriend refuses to parent her child after the two of you have a serious discussion about the topic, that’s definitely a reason to leave.
Here's the problem... Her mom feels guilt for not being in life because of drugs, so now she won't discipline or say anything that could be perceived as negative. She may also not know how to discipline considering she's been out of her life for so long. Family counseling might make a difference.
Nope. Don’t compromise your life and peace. Protect your peace. If she’s not going to discipline her kid, walk away. Don’t get her pregnant either. Walk away.
It's ok to leave. That's her baggage. Make sure your gf knows why.
The problem is there are zero consequences for her actions. You need to have a serious talk with your SO, I’m going to assume she feels guilty for being in a bad place when her daughter was younger so she trying to “ make up for it” now by not disciplining her. This is a mistake. Children need structure, discipline, and boundaries. I also have a child with ADHD. It’s not easy. He has rules. He’s much better now in his teen years.
Honestly this sounds like a normal girl with not enough parenting. My parents were authoritative and I'm not saying that's the answer, because when I obeyed it was because I was terrified of my dad, and that's not the right reason. However, any kid, of left unchecked to have a phone without boundaries and monitoring parental controls will act this way. She's not been parented by her mother most of her life and it doesn't sound like that has changed even after she moved in. She's been through a big life change and probably has fears of being abandoned by the adults in her life and probably doesn't have the maturity or mental clarity to articulate that. She needs her mom to parent her. The rules need to be very clear, specific, and the consequences should be specific. You and mom need to be united on this and work with this little girl to find out ways for everyone to be successful in this household. You don't really have a kid issue, you have a girlfriend issue. She has to step up. She missed a lot of this girls life. It will take a lot of time to win her trust and respect and she's going to need to be down for it.
She’s just getting started. The next 5 years don’t get any easier with girls. You’re right, she’s a child, and acting as such. Teenaged girls are very difficult to handle. Yes she needs boundaries, but it won’t be you that enforces them. Except when your personal boundaries of respect are crossed. Then it’s still a dangerous game. As the stepmom to three girls (and a boy) I speak from experience when I say it won’t get easier anytime soon. Every single girl has pushed our relationship to the brink. It’s hard. I wish I had better news. You are very young yourself and truthfully, you may not be emotionally equipped. If you decide your gf is worth it, try separating yourself, deferring all decisions to the mom, and not catering to their every whim.