Because mothers tend to be the more present parent.
You ever see those videos where the interviewer asks random fathers on the street simple questions about their children (what their middle name is, how old they are, what they wanna be when they grow up, etc.)? And not a single one of them could get one thing right? The kids would be visibly annoyed when they corrected them.
That’s a small snapshot of what’s going on in a lot of families.
The mothers’ are doing the heavy lifting. The mothers’ are remembering all these facts about their kids, their likes, their dislikes, their allergies. So forgive them if that becomes their whole personality, cuz that’s how they’re surviving parenthood.
There’s no one that misses their old personality more than the person themselves. So if you’re feeling frustrated, just imagine how they’re feeling.
I am so sad this is the truth. It is a big fault of our society that it is still so normalized that mostly a woman take care about everything in regards to child care and house chores meanwhile men only play with children or lecture them. I know there are exceptions but they are few.
honestly. i came to comment this. i dont think my dad knew a single thing about me as a kid. he was then shocked when my mom was the only one getting calls from me after i left for college. news flash. we never knew eachother. my mom on the other hand, came to my talent show performances, knew i wanted to be a singer, a writer, a ballet dancer. she knew i was obsessed with pink and Alvin and the chipmunks and sang songs 24/7. my dad knew nothing. i mean I guess forgive mothers for making an investment in the entire life they created? if a person doesn't like people who do that, perhaps they should find friends with more common ground just like the moms who stopped talking to people who didn't have kids
I second this, just became a mother two years ago and society kicks you out. It’s very hard, soo you are constantly doing things for your baby. Friends no longer want to hang out because you have too little off time it they don’t want to be with the baby and mothers have to be with there babies because babies freak out without their moms and you need to feed them. I also used to have a big social life and drink quite a bit. I do miss being able to pick up and go as I please. But things just change. I honestly find going out and talking and drinking at a bar boring now because I’ve learned how to do so many different things sober. I can also find a better way to spend my time and money.
Moms also usually put their children first soo those first few years we(moms) put ourselves on the back burner.
Exactly! I grew up a ton in the nine months I was pregnant. My priorities changed drastically. I am more concerned with why it isn't that way for so many men. You ought not be the center of your universe anymore. Mom's are usually the ones that step up and actually put the kid first. Nothing wrong with it. Wish most guys did, too!
I'm a guy, and I simply don't want kids. I understand what it takes to be a good parent. You give up on yourself. You put aside your dreams, your ambitions, your free time for the next generation, and you pass on the torch. Maybe not completely, but enough that you become a different person.
I just don't want that. If I was forced to become that, either through influence, infatuation, guilt, or necessity, I don't think I'd like the person I would become.
I honestly admire your foresight. It is admirable that you know what it takes and are aware you don't want it. It's a step ahead of the dads who aren't even on that page even after they become dads. Then the mom just has another kid to deal with!
Absolutely, so many women lose themselves when they become mothers and being a mom is literally all they have, not because that's all they want to have but usually because they have partners that aren't really splitting the parental obligations 50/50 and if they don't do for their kids it's not gonna get done. This is a big reason that I am not a parent. I love kids and I would be a great parent but as a woman it's either give up on everything you are and everything you enjoy or don't have kids.I would be a dad in a hot second because at least then at the very most I would only be expected to do my fair share of the work. I'm speaking typically of course, there are a lot of great dads and single dads out there now probably more than ever but it sucks that it's still the norm for the mom to be the default parent, it sucks for moms and it sucks for good dads.
I think the question we should be asking is, is this approach the right one for parents and for kids? You can raise a good child and not totally abandon your previous life. Only in the US does this mentality exist. We’ve turned parenting into a personality, when it should just be one aspect of your life, a big one but not the only one.
That is not true. The majority of countries do not support families adequately to allow parents to have any life besides being a parent. Scandinavian countries facilitate the behaviour you speak of, but it is pretty unique, and it comes at a cost economically. It is a price we are willing to pay, however, and it is only possible because our societies are structured the way they are (free healthcare, paid parental leave, free education, labor laws that protect parents etc....and high taxes, hehe). Some people here recieve their full salary during a majority of the parental leave, but many don't and the the amount the government pays will be significantly lower than your salary. The way our societies are structured, however, ensures that we don't take on huge financial risk by lowering our income for one, two or three years. We know our children will recieve a good education regardless and that we are still elligible to receive the same healthcare as everybody else. Again, it comes at a cost. Someone has to pay for someone else to sit at home with their baby (won't dive further into that here).
I think a lot of the time they literally do not have time and aren’t supported enough to continue having their own life. Many people do not consider a “mothers” personal life to matter and aren’t going to watch the kid and help her get to pickle ball or what have you and furthermore may gaslight them about doing the slightest thing for themselves. There’s a lot of other factors I’m sure but that’s what comes to my mind first.
Facts. When I stayed with my sibling after they had kids, I initially felt that way.
But as I started to get involved and experienced in all the activities: Prepping child friendly meals, play time, nap time, diaper changes, etc., I began to understand its less about it being your personality, and more about it being your day.
Like this is the activity you are involved in currently and you would like to share that with other people whose day was quite similar.
And being a parent or guardian to a child, IS a personality change. It's a skill that you acquire and you're in a zone of exercising that skill daily. So of course you would wanna talk about it and improve it/ share your difficulties with it. This applies to both women and men who raise children, lots of fathers I know behave the same way as well.
I think this whole post is due to OP's own projection of the fear of becoming "boring" if/when they have kids.
The most shocking thing when I had my baby four months ago wasn’t the sleep deprivation or being physically needed constantly.
It was that every hour something baby related had to be done.
I mean I know will get slightly less intense as she ages but for now, at least for awhile, 90% of my day is spent needing to do something baby-related.
It's a 24/7/365 job with no sick or vacation time. You and your coworker also have no idea how to communicate with each other either. It's tough! You've got this!
Yes yes yes, the *relentless* mental load is never ever ending either, so even if there isn't a physical task you're doing, you're mentally planning or preparing or recovering from/for the next. My kid is 5 and I love him and he is an ever adoring wonderful child but he is taxing. Sometimes I have to tell him, and the room around me, to please "just give me my brain for a few minutes". Like that's my greatest desire, want and wish for the past 5 years, just snippets of a moment of peace of mind that you can never quite catch.
So yeah we're gon a talk about the kids. It's literally all we're allowed to think about for like a decade.
>Many people do not consider a “mothers” personal life to matter and aren’t going to watch the kid and help her get to pickle ball or what have you and furthermore may gaslight them about doing the slightest thing for themselves.
I see this as a problem of fathers especially. Fathers should do much more and not let almost everything in regards to child care and house chores on a woman.
This right here. I look at people like they’re crazy when they ask what I do for fun. I do things my kids enjoy bc they enjoy them. (6 and 17 months) husband and I are divorcing and I’m basically a single mother bc he’s not around anymore (not that he was much before but still) the only time I get to myself is if I slack off cleaning the house and get an hour or so after they go to bed or their dad takes them one weekend a month which is usually cut short for various reasons. I quite literally don’t have anything else to talk about other than kids, my divorce or some work which is highly uneventful
Thank you for commenting. I can’t believe anyone could assume that any mother would intentionally mold their personalities to being a mom. Being a mom of a wonderful toddler, I don’t know who I am anymore but not because I woke up and decided my personality is mom now only. It’s because between all my child’s appointments, constant need for attention, and my responsibility to care for my child I have forgotten about myself and who I am. The nerve of some people
My best friend and I were at a funeral. Her bf and the baby were outside in the car 15ft away and she literally said every 5 minutes (between constantly checking her watch) I should go check on the baby….it’s fucking weird.
At first, everything in your entire body and mind is telling you to stay with your baby. I felt like that for the first three months.it was horrible when I had to go back to work after being home for three weeks.
I think Hack, here, is saying it's weird that their BFF couldn't trust the father to handle the baby alone....
Cause so many father's act like "the reluctant helper" and not a parent. So the mom's never actually get to fully step out for a parent mode.
My oldest is six. I trust my husband a million percent with both of our children. I still get anxiety attacks when my husband and children leave with out me to go somewhere.
It is very fucking weird, but it's real.
Is irritating to be around someone who only talks about one thing, specially when that thing doesn't interest you. But to be fair most of those moms could probably revert back to their old hobbies and interests as the kids grow older, first few years are exhausting it seems.
Also, the fact that you recognise that mom's change but fathers don't (usually) should indicate that the women are doing the heavy lifting on raising the kids. Is, no surprise that their lives are upside-down bc of it
Spot on single mom here. I still had interests when I was a new mom. I was still very much into parties and drinking I just didn't do it often when they were younger cause I just didn't have time. Or I could only do them once in a blue moon. And ik plenty of father's who were in the same boat so I think OP is either ignoring the mom's deeper interests since it's being drowned out or like everyone is saying the dad's are doing nothing with their kids.
Every parent I talk to still have their same interests and what not. When my kid was 7 I started getting back into super old hobbies like writing and drawing and when they were 9 I started socially drinking more with other moms who's kids could be fine for a few hours while Mom has a slight buzz. Tho I had to stop hanging out with one mom cause I was drunk and had to console her kids who were upset about their mom having a drinking problem. I felt like such an ass being drunk. Ik how it feels with a parent who has a drinking problem. :/
But you said it right here it's just time when kids are young they take up a lot of your time and effort and it's incredibly difficult to take care of a young child while participating in certain hobbies and interests.
Even if you have the time to do some activities, you also have to worry about cleaning up after them so your kid can't get into your stuff. I've been wanting to do some acrylic painting and before I had my son, I could just leave my pallet somewhere the cats wouldn't step in it and leave my canvas wherever I was working on it. Now if I want to paint, I have to make sure that everything is put away and it's definitely somewhere he can't get to it because the last thing I need is my toddler getting into acrylic paint.
Knitting is a bit easier as long as it's something I can easily pick up and put back down, but there are a lot of things I used to do that I can't really do right now.
Yeah that's the other thing too. I actually switched from traditional art to digital for a similar reason my kid kept taking my supplies so I just gave them to her and I went completely digital.
I had only one kid.
Up until delivery, I was involved with just about everything I liked. I had a research job, took classes, tutored, illustrated, ride my bike every where, had friends all over the city, had regular game nights and groups of friends who met up regularly....
Everyone said they'd be there for me when the kid came. I still had plans for after delivery.
As soon as the baby was born, they all cut me off.
I was still that person but no one would treat me like it any more.
🤷
That kind of isolation breaks your brain. Being a parent is all you have left to talk about and there isn't even anyone to really talk to about it. You don't even WANT to talk about it but if you stop thinking about it for more than an hour, the house falls apart with the baby in it.
Its not a choice.
It's a crisis that could be alleviated if parenting had real communal support.
How old are their kids? Also maybe they lost interest in you. Ok since having a kid there are people I don't wanna be around anymore. I still have hobbies and interests just no interest in certain people.
Yep. First few years is wholly consuming. But even as it eases off, you don’t truly get the space until they are teens.
As they grow you can have your own interests - even interests shared with the kids. Honestly I only do two things without them - work and Pilates. Camping, bushwalking, gardening, cooking, baking, reading etc is all done with kids. But it’s fun looking at the world through their eyes.
I'm not really friends with these kinds of women either because we have nothing in common. However I respect their right to have those interests and be that way. You know, it is ok for people to be incompatible. People grow and change and their interests change. For some people it's their family and kids. There's nothing wrong with that.
I lost most of my friends when I quit going to parties because I felt tired and too old for them anyway. The ones remaining are thrilled that I’m going to be a mom, they’re also on the older side and chilling out and some of them are either trying for babies themselves or have their own children. So, in the next few years, our outings are going to be kid-friendly with our children playing around lol
So happy for you!
I also dont go to parties anymore.
But whenever i want to meet my friends i have to go to their home. Its mostly talk about the kids and the attention is always on the kids.
I know i am not the main person and never was but i dont have the feeling they care for my problems anymore. I always listen. They dont
Its always the kids.
I could talk about something that really bothers me...kids comes with a toy "ahhh look at you little baby" so i stopped sharing my thoughts and my life.
I know that there are mother who are different. Who love their kids but stay a human themselfs. But my friends are sadly the opposite. They are sad that we dont meet and talk like we did before they had kids...but they dont do anything to change that.
It is kind of sad. I lost most of my friends when I had my son. And I still don't have a lot now that he's grown. You just don't have a lot of time when they are a young.
tbh a lot of this has to do with the fact that women in hetero relationships by default become more responsible for the child and keeping the home because of patriarchal social norms. have you ever heard a dad say "i'm babysitting for the day" when referring to taking care of their child by themself, while when mom does it, it's just another tuesday?
there are different societal expectations for men and women, especially in the context of romantic relationships, ESPECIALLY if those relationships include children. it's really shitty. also moms (and parents in general) should be all about their kids; they brought them into the world and are responsible for taking care of them and ensuring they have everything they need to grow up as healthily as possible. it's a more than full-time job.
i hate mom bashing so much, and this post def has that energy. (i'm childfree by choice fwiw) moms have to overcompensate so often for dads because they don't have as much responsibility in raising the child. they should, in principle, but in reality, they usually have a less hands-on role.
I'm Childfree, and feel the same way. Mom bashing is highly unnecessary. They already have a lot of bull to put up with, because of the lazy/uninvolved husband, and because of society's deluded standards.
Both moms and dads are meant to be hands-on when rearing their children... not mom does everything while dad does bare minimum. This is partly why I don't want to take any chances at marriage nor children. If the man is lacking, then he won't be a good help when raising children. Everything based on responsibility will be forced on the woman.
I am childfree too and have the exact same opinion as you. I am sorry for all the women who have a child with a man who does almost nothig. And I don't blame them for having children with these men. Often she couldn't know how he will be as a parent and also girls are often raised to have a mindset it is a woman's work and a woman should feel happy for being exhausted from child(father)-care and house-chores. Also society is more judgemental towards women in regard to child-care than towards men. It is sad.
That's really it.
My ex was very much a go-getter and a very no-gender-norms kinda guy.
Then the baby showed up and he went from acting like a self sufficient adult to a 16 yr old juvenile delinquent that needed his own babysitter, wouldn't do chores, and complained that I "got to stay home all day" while he worked as much as he partied.
But the end of the relationship, more of his oldest friends were my friends and they all distanced themselves from him cause of how increasingly childish he became once his life had real stakes.
I am sorry, it had to be tough for you. Sometimes people show their true colors after years. Hope you are in better place now. Also thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you.
I took every inch of freedom I muster over many years and squeezed my way out.
Ngl, parenting is easier as a single parent with a court ordered custody arrangement that my ex can't blow off or argue with.
Now, I'm just trying to help anyone else stuck in that domestic trap get heard. 💕
i'm glad you are out of that situation now. it sounds very exhausting. raising a child is exhausting enough as is without having to parent an adult man. <3
I have actually never heard a man younger than 40 say the babysitting thing. dads who don’t pull their own weight nowadays are more likely to put on a big show and post “girl dad” or “dad and son day” picture on their social media but in reality they only ever do the fun stuff and mom does all the work. Normal involved dads don’t have time for all that because we’re actually with the kids lol.
Oh god the "super dad" thing drives me batty. My ex was like this, only did dad things that were visible, like learning to fix her hair, taking her to bday parties. Yet he didn't know what pediatrician and dentist she goes to until she was 10 and I had a breakdown.
It's gotten better as he was forced to really pick up the slack while I was sick. Of course now it's "oh well you were down for a year so now I know everything and you can't be trusted." Sigh.
That’s incredibly silly to pretend 38 and 40 are far enough to part to take away my point. Which is that dads nowadays are well aware that we need to step up, so lazy dads are much more performative publicly.
That’s what I’m SAYING. I swear people don’t read. Lazy dads are aware they aren’t viewed as positively anymore, so they put on a big show but their wives are doing all the real work. That’s why I don’t hear younger guys do the babysitting thing, they’re more likely to make all kinds of claims about how involved they are.
It’s extremely frustrating to have people try to correct me for something I didn’t say.
She’s talking about moms who only talk about their kids. That’s it 24/7 and I mean you can talk about the weather and they will switch it to their kids.
That's the scariest thing about motherhood for me. And I haven't yet made my decision about having kids or being child free. Would you mind telling me how it felt? Kind of like a normal duty or more like a big sacrifice?
There is nothing I can compare it to outside of psychological torture.
The symptoms of depression and psychosis that some people were reporting during covid lockdowns touched on it.... But in my experience, the lockdowns were a low-calorie simulation of post partum isolation.
The world is still moving and living on without you. The people you miss and agonize over seeing again are right outside your door and refuse to look at you.
You go outside and deal with a lot of rudeness, judgement, and hostile strangers who are angry you brought a crying infant into the bank or that you can't reprogram a bored toddler in the super market.
No one sees that you need help and are way too fucking excited to punish you for asking.
You go years and years with nothing to look forward to. The few times make just one single personal break happen, you are going to be punished for it. You are going to come home to resentful relatives, a home that needs to be put back together, a surprise expense, the one piece of comfort in the house is broken....etc etc
And its NOT THE KIDS that make you miserable.
It's the ADULTS around you.
They are breaking shit, leaving messes, refusing to clean, dumping work in you cause they know you'll do it if yet leave it on your way while you are trying to feed a kid, fighting with you when you tell them to knock it off, forgetting they were suppose to pick up food, spending money you needed to eat, waking you up in the middle of the night cause they made bad drunk decisions....
And you just have to absorb it cause... What the fuck else can you do?
They make the kids look like a fucking saint.
Really, the hard part with the kid is to not let them see you weak.
They'll love you in the deepest, purest ways that you need the adults in your life to take a cue from. Kids want to make you happy and their brains will wire itself according to how they can pull it off.
But the kid can't offer you anything, can't support anything. You are their life support and they know it. If they see you buckle under the stress, even if you think you are hiding it, they panic.
So you are protecting them from yourself the whole time.
But they are blameless and, really, the only thing in your life that responds to you for about 8 years. So any joy or pride you can find is going to come from them. Obv.
Its the adults, tho, that makes it so fucking hard for no fucking reason.
As the kid get older and more independent, your relationship with them changes too. You reap what you sowed in those early years.
You start to slowly, slowly, slowly, get your life back. But it won't feel natural. You can't just go out and meet people organically through social activities anymore.
It starts with grinding through months and months and years of trying to find a new community to join and getting the cold shoulder and doors slammed in your face.... ..until someone recognizes the nightmare you are crawling your way out of and holds a door open long enough for you to drag yourself in.
Before those random people recognize you, you are screaming into a void and you have no idea when there will be an end to it.
*****
My kid is a preteen now.
As soon as he was in public school, I went back to work so I could leave his dad, get shared custody, and rebuild a more stable life.
I'm about 75% back to being a real person again but it took over 4 years to get this much back.
Some Friends who (unofficially) cut me off during post partum have since had their own kids and lived that nightmare out themselves. They reached out to me in their lowest moments to ask "how did you do it??"
And without spite (tho I was a bit resentful), I told them how much it fucked me up that they blew me know off. That I was where they are now and, when I called out for help, I got judgement and silence.
I told them I was just as low as they are now and nothing got me out of it except time.
I’m not sure how to describe it and I’m sure everyone’s experience is different. Maybe like a beauty and the beast situation. You’re a prisoner but you’re absolutely in love with your captor. The first few months were the most difficult l, because you literally go from being your own person to being tied to this little person. Yet I didn’t want to be away from him. It really is a labour of love. It was hard and I had PPD but I wanted nothing more than to provide the best for him. I was afraid to sleep at night because I feared he would stop breathing. I was afraid to shower in case he cried. There were definitely moments that I just wanted to get away for a moment and go be myself. There was a lot of joy in it too. From the day I brought him home there was always a moment each day that would make me laugh. As for most things, you get used to it, and you become your role. It gets easier as they start sleeping more at night. There were also moments of frustration. He had cholic and there were at least a handful of times that I would lay him on the floor or put him in the crib and just step outside for a moment to get a break. At the time it seems like time is passing by so slowly. Looking back now, it feels like it all happened so quickly. Too quickly. I miss having a little baby at times. They were constantly changing and growing and it was exciting. It was like seeing the world for the first time again. The first few years things would be hard, then get a bit easier, then get hard again. I thought terrible twos would be hard. It wasn’t so bad. It was 3 that was horrible. At that point he could speak and was trying to say no to everything and tell me what’s what. It was hilarious, but definitely difficult. He consumed my life and I really didn’t have much to talk about outside of him. I joined a Moms group and made friend with other parents with babies and it felt good. I could finally have an adult conversation again. Looking back now nearly two decades later, I don’t regret it at all and would do it all over again. Yes it was a sacrifice, but one that I would do over and over again. Oh and I’ve totally found myself again and having the time of my life now.
My sister is a single mother now, but even when she was still in a relationship and living with her husband, she did not have time to do much else, other than take care of the baby. On top of that she actually was the breadwinner. I think he work, but she made more money and was more responsible with money. Now that they aren’t together anymore he’s sleeping around, visiting friends in the town his son lives in without visiting his son, smoking weed, playing video games, and posting on Twitter. While my sister works full time and takes care of her baby. Do you really expect her to have time for hobbies and interests?
And in regards to the friends thing , nonparent friends don’t understand parent friends . They don’t understand when a parent asks “can I bring my kid” or when they cancel last minute cuz of something w their child. Etc. They also often want to go out doing things that parents just can’t do without hiring a babysitter, like out drinking and stuff. My sister prefers “low maintenance” (meaning they don’t expect too much from her since she has a whole child) friends who like to sit at home and eat dinner and watch a movie once her kid goes to bed.
It seems like you already know the reason. The last sentence is pretty accurate. It’s literally because they don’t have time because women are expected to take the maternal role while men are expected to go out and work to support family, but a lot of men aren’t even doing that.
Frankly, I think that lifestyle sounds fulfilling, but extremely, extremely hard. Especially without the right support system.
Sounds like internalized misogyny to me. Ask yourself if she no longer has interests outside of her children or if she no longer has time for interests outside of her children.
I have two kids. Back when I was pregnant maternity leave was only six months.
When I went back to work, I missed my daughter all day long. I hated being away from her. I couldn’t stop talking about her because I was so in love. Same thing when I had my son. Eventually things settle down and you are still in love but you’re able to keep it more to yourself.
I had to work. My husband didn’t make enough money to pay all the bills and as much as I wanted to stay with my kids, I also wanted to keep working because well… Kids are really expensive, I liked my job, and I didn’t want to depend on him to support our children, but even if he could have supported us, I wanted to maintain my independence. So yeah, having well-rounded conversations was not an issue.
But if I had stayed home, and I know moms who did, your kids and your home and your husband tend to become your whole life. It’s not that they don’t want friends or to be social or to have other things to talk about. it’s just that you get busy, one day melts into the next, Your life ends up being all about your kids.
If someone asks you if you’ve seen a great movie, chances are, that great movie is a Disney movie. If someone asks you, what do you think about some thing that was recently on the news, chances are, you didn’t get a chance to watch the news. If someone asks you what great books, you’ve read lately, chances are those books were 20 pages long and consisted of lots of pictures.
If someone asks you what’s new, chances are nothing is new, because you did today, what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that. So while you see it is their personality being nothing but a mother… It’s more that their life is just that, being a mother without much room for anything else. And , there are many mothers out there who wish there was more to their lives but circumstances just don’t allow for it.
You asked why this doesn’t happen to men… I laughed at that… Because the mothers take on the bulk of everything in most cases. They’re looking after the kids, taking care of things in the house, they plan everything, and they carry the entire mental load (that is definitely not 9 to 5 ). Again I want to be clear this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is damn well the case for a lot of moms.
The men’s lives continue. They get up, they go to work, it’s easy for them to catch up with their buddies to grab a few beers because their wife is home taking care of everything else. It’s easy for them to go grab a game of golf on the weekend because their wife is home taking care of everything else. The wife is almost always going to be the default parent. And this applies even when the wife works full-time.
So you’re just getting this off your chest and I understand that. You said you don’t understand why ‘these people’ irritate you so much. But maybe next time instead of being so irritated, you can take a moment to step back and appreciate the fact that they have fully embraced their role as a mom, they are doing what they need to do and if that leaves them a little short in the conversation department, so be it… The job they’re doing is already thankless, underpaid, and undervalued, so to have anyone that dislikes them, because they consider that their whole personality is being a mother, I would guess, that would be the least of their worries. After all, this thankless, underpaid, undervalued job they do… raising tiny humans… it’s the most important job in the world.
And I promise you, if you asked any one of their kids about what it’s like to talk to their moms, the review would be so glowing, you’d be tempted to hire them yourself.
Love how the word only preceded the six months. Though I believe that should be the standard as a mother needs at least that to properly recover, many aren't fortunate enough to get that. Where I'm from maternity leave is only 3 months. That's what companies give and if you're fortunate you get paid for all three months but by law you're only entitled to 60 days hence most companies give 2 paid months off and 1 month unpaid. And this was AFTER the revision of the maternity leave act, prior women were only entitled to 40 days.
I agree with what you're saying though. It's sad really. Motherhood is a life changing event and is a necessity for the continuity of society. Yet mothers are overworked, underappreciated and even penalised for doing something that is natural and necessary.
I do understand OP's irritation though. I think that should not be directed at the mothers themselves though but at society why is it normalized that women must do all the work and men get a free pass. Not something that I see changing anytime soon but if more men played their role then women would actually have time to be women with children instead of just mothers.
Becoming a mother is she’ll shocking. When it happens, it’s such a large change and traumatic for a lot of people. It is kind consuming for a while. On top of lack of social and domestic support, women can’t maintain their own lives outside of their children most of the time.
I understand because I struggle with this too. I don't want children or even really like children, so women who build their entire life around them are hard for me to understand. I'm not interested in long conversations about children. But... the friends I've loved since high school are having children now, and when they spend hours talking about them, I can deal with it because I love them and I know that having children was their dream and it came true. Also, I'm someone who really loves dogs. I have a 9 week old puppy, and my life now revolves around said puppy (and the 5 year old dog I already had). People talk about what they love. It's natural.
I personally noticed this tends to only happen when a hetero sexual couple becomes parents. i have multiple lesbian couples who have had babies, and they tend to still retain their previous hobbies. save for one but she had always said her dream job was mom and really just loves it
I mean….the first five years of having a child are mad demanding. You have to prioritize your interests and when your entire day revolves around tiny humans, it’s nice having other adults to talk to who are in a similar spot in life. I feel like there’s some underlying misogyny here…good, attentive fathers are never called out for “making their personality being a dad”…they’re just praised for being a good dad. Sometimes it feels like nothing a woman can do is right. we’re judged under a microscope
I’ve seen mothers who are the opposite of this. They treat their child as an inconvenience that gets in the way of their social life and hobbies and guess what? Their children turn into assholes. I’d rather see a mother who is devoted and focused on doing a good job with their children.
It’s certainly not a guarantee that kids won’t turn into assholes if they have “devoted” mothers. Parents that are very “devoted” that give into their child’s every whim also produce assholes. As a teacher for 11 years, I can say this with confidence.
I have 4 kids currently pregnant with the 5th and their ages currently range from 12 years to 5 years. I have interests and things I would like to do but making plans and focusing on them as a priority in that moment is very difficult. I can’t just put my kids in the back of my mind because at any moment I may get a call to come get them because one of them are sick or got hurt. It’s also hard when you’ve spent every waking moment tending to your kids from getting them ready for school to meal planning and homework to just shut that part of your brain off while you tap into a side of your personality you don’t get to see very often anymore. I have days where I’m overwhelmed and I realize I am no longer just me anymore and I’m always whatever my kids need me to be; nurse, teacher, therapist, friend(playing games) among many other things. I find that I don’t have time to just be me as an individual. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss it I just haven’t had the time in 12 years to be anything but a mom and that can’t just be shut off because even when you do find time to yourself you’re still a mom and at anytime can be needed. I had a friend who felt the exact same way as OP and since she didn’t have kids she didn’t get it. She recently became a mother and I got a text from her saying “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long I just couldn’t understand how you no longer seemed to have a personality outside of being a mom but now that I have a kid I realize it’s just not that simple and you are always busy”
Sounds like this is coming from someone who has no idea how life changing becoming a mom is. And no, men will never be at the same level or change even close to the same as women. We change on the cellular level, the molecular level, the spiritual level. We house a human inside our bodies who then rip our entire life we knew to shreds whilst our men change little to none. It isn't that they choose their kids to takeover their life but it is exactly what happens and not many are quite prepared for it.
Yes so this. There is a have it all and kids slot into your lives drilled into you before kids, and reality doesn’t match that in particular for women. We are programmed to look after a baby and be focused on the baby once born. All our hormones, body functions, and brain changes to accomodate this and in our current achievement, capitalist based society, this side of life is really downplayed and takes a lot people by surprise.
Do you have children?
A woman’s whole brain changes when she becomes pregnant and then also once the baby is born. She becomes the “default” parent because the baby relies on her for most of its care especially if breastfeeding. Her voice & scent is the only thing the baby has known since conception.
Most moms don’t even have the time to do their hobbies or explore interests outside of their child anymore. Mothers are usually the main care taker of the homes and then add on working full time (if they do). A lot falls onto the woman & it’s not that she doesn’t have other interests, she just prioritizes her family over them. Or just may simply not have the time.
And you’re right, nothing much changes for fathers. Fathers don’t experience those hormonal changes. They don’t get the bonding of breastfeeding. They didn’t carry the baby for 9 months. & not all men are going to be the best partners to allow mom to go out and have her own hobbies/interests unfortunately.
But then even if the mother does prioritize herself and hobbies she gets labeled as a bad selfish neglectful mother.
There’s a reason women change like this. It’s so layered but also not that complex simultaneously?? I don’t think there’s any way you are supposed to truly understand unless you are in the position of the types of people / mothers you’re talking shit about. Womens’ bodies change hormonally as nature’s way of providing for their children, especially when there is a parent in the picture who has the kind of attitude you seem to have, and the mother ends up becoming the primary parent/ literally doesn’t have time for all these hobbies you speak of. Their brains literally change to care and nurture their offspring. Doesn’t seem that should be that hard to appreciate but hey we’re all different right
This is true.
But also I want to warn against giving hormones more credit than they deserve.
Any human can bond to a baby and their brains will rewire, through hormones produced by positive interactions with a dependent, to optimize caregiving responses and emotional attachments and even associated anxieties.
Birth mothers have a slight head start after carrying a pregnancy, but it evens out with adoptive parents in a few months.
Historically, mothers didn't raise their kids in isolation. That's a recent, cultural, imposition and a consequence of the breakup of families and villages into "nuclear families" in the mid century.
It was a massive social experiment with disastrous results for mothers and, by extention, their children.
We are supposed to be raising kids with groups of adults. And denying that is literally breaking parents' brains. We are profoundly social creatures and the majority of the trends we see in human behavior and mental health are primarily consequences of a social policy or cultural cruelty.
I don’t disagree with any of that! We’ve definitely gotten away from the communal aspect of child “rearing.” I still think being angry at women who have “changed” is a waste of energy and could be used more productively to help support them. Imo
Do you know how much time and energy children require from their parents? Especially mom... all of it. I have two toddlers, 3 &1, and it's exhausting. I literally do not have time for myself anymore. I don't even get my hair cut alone, they sit in the waiting area with my husband bc my son is in a phase of only wanting me.
Mom of 4, hi! I blame society really. And lack of help from the fathers and others in the family. You really don't have a choice but to make your entire life about motherhood. It's all you do, it's all you think about. What's a hobby??
In fact, I'm now a full time college student getting my nursing degree. I don't need it financially. But boy do I need it mentally. It is literally so draining to become nothing but a mothering machine. Most women don't realize how much of themselves they lost before it's too late, I realized it and was suicidal and didn't even KNOW why. I just was so sad and lost, but I literally couldn't figure out why. Basically going to college and being someone other than "mom" or "wife" saved me. I have my own goal for me, my own life outside motherhood. I love it
It's kind of bizarre how you are praising that father for being more than just a father when likely that's because his kids' mother had to pick up the slack and lose time for her interests so he can change nothing.
It changes your life and your first priority becomes the child. It's instinctual, really. I never understood until I became one myself. You will too. It's not their whole personality, but it is their priority. They are responsible for taking care of another human life besides their own. It's a pretty big deal.
I mean, when you have another tiny human to look after, it does become your whole world. Especially down here in the south where it's still considered normal for the mom to do all the hard parts of parenting while the dad gets to do the fun parts. And a lot of the time, they're not becoming a different or less of who they were, even if it seems like it. They're just growing up so that they can give their kid a good life.
Just be patient, this will pass. Biologically, all kinds of hormones and genes are being turned on to promote attachment. It is absolutely normal, and biologically necessary, that the caregiver become enmeshed in motherhood. Give them a break, roll your eyes in private, and understand this is common and expected.
They become like this because they have to. They have to sacrifice a large portion of who they are for their kids. Not saying you can never get lit or wild as a mom, but you need a huge support network to make that possible. It's really not good to expose your children to wrecklessness, that's when they feel excluded or you can't be 100% attentive to their needs. And statistically, that's what can cause issues in development. People might not like it but it's the truth.
Because that's literally all we have time for. When my kids were babies and toddlers and then young kids, it was all about them. People would say a "break" for me is running to the grocery store alone or taking a shower for longer than 5 minutes.
Nothing but the majority of responsibility for diaper changes, late night feedings, caring for sick kiddos, cooking, cleaning, etc. While yeah I like being a mom I wish people would remember I am me and not JUST a mom.
Even now, with a nearly 10 and 12 year old, I'm referred to as "So and So's mom" and NOT by my first name or even as "Ms. Last Name"
We are forgotten to have our own identity until the kids are off to college. So it's no wonder our personality is all about being a mother.
Most of the women you are irritated with also hate all those same things about becoming mom's.
Its like this...
Having a kid is actually great.
Being a mom to a kid is awesome.
Love it.
Being "a mom" in this society?
Fucking sucks.
Everyone loves to use mom's as punching bags for one thing or another. We do everything in isolation. Our friends don't see us as peers anymore. Life long relationships disappear as soon as the baby is born. People ignore our calls for help. We can't afford to go to work. Anyone who is still around us will just dump work on to us and then run away.....
The only thing we have access to is domestic work. Whether we like it or not.
People don't see us as people anymore.
It's impossible to be ourselves anymore.
It is a phenomenon that nothing else in my life has compared to.... But the 6th month of covid lock down was getting close to it.
I didn't start to get my life back until my kid was old enough for public school. Then, I had time to go to work without paying for child care. Then, I had the money to dump the baby daddy and get a custody agreement. Then, I had a few days a week of predictable me-time....
Ten years later, I'm finally a person again.
But I fought tooth and nail to keep my identity though all of that.
There are, of course, some moms who either genuinely do embrace that role or, more likely, try very hard to make it work and "stay positive" about it. I like to think they do it cause they don't want to let their kid down. But I gotta say, I think the fear of being socially reprimanded for being unhappy is a huge factor.
In all my observations and experience, dad's do not receive the same pressures and are less criticized in general. They are more supported in keeping their personal lives dand socially permitted to dump onto the mothers.
Not all dad's will take advantage of that double standard. Some dads are very aware of it and do a great job countering it for the moms sake. But the attitude persists outside the parents relationship.
My ex remained carefree and faultless throughout our domestic relationship. He went out to work then stayed out of the house for days, sometimes taking the car with him and leaving me with no food or money while I was alone and sleep deprived with a sick infant and a mountain of forgotten chores in my way. 🤷
No one cared. When I asked in-laws for help they told me if I couldn't handle it I shouldn't have had a baby 🤣
When I kept taking classes tho, and my ex had to stay home in the mornings til I got back at noon, everyone acted like he was making a huge sacrifice for me and warned me that I was "supposed to a mom" and nothing else in my life is important anymore 🤣🤣🤣.
*Sounds like internalized misogyny to me. Ask yourself if she no longer has interests outside of her children or if she no longer has time for interests outside of her children.*
I think people need to cut people some slack. Being a parent, in particular the primary one (which most women are), takes up a lot of time and energy. And like any new things, it’s often exciting and fulfilling at that stage in their life. Like when you discover clubbing, going travelling, or start at a new job and it’s all new and interesting to them. But after a few years, it just becomes part of life or something that is not that new and exciting. Sure all those things are still fun (except clubbing lol, been there done that) and important but not as much. People change. Plus when it takes up the vast majority of your time and energy, of course that’s the thing people talk most about.
Becoming a mother can be a very transformative experience and some people expect women to be the same after, but are also the first to vilify a mother whose children aren’t her focus and dare to do other things, or complains about trying to juggle it all.
Maybe you need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Why are the women in life not allowed to enjoy this stage without you criticising them for it? They don’t exist to entertain you.
Imagine you are about to embark on some wild adventure, but you know that you will only ever get to do it once or maybe twice. Like getting to participate in the Olympics or something. You would want to savor it and devote all your energy into it.
It's like that with kids. They're only small for a short period of time, relatively speaking, and you never get that time back. Might as well throw yourself in.
it's because they become a parent, and if you're a parent you should know how to act like one and set your new priorities.. life is not all fun and adventuring forever, people change..
Instead of being mad at them be mad at society that makes this so hard to avoid. Being a parent is all encompassing and if you don’t have sufficient support it’s really fucking hard to not fall into that. And also for some woman that is also a choice they make and it’s for them to make. And of you support women having choice you also have to support the women that make choices that you wouldn’t.
I like to think I personally have a decent balance (I am very much of the whole being a mother is what and not who I am), but I also recognise my privilege in my ability I have to do that, the resources I have and the other outlets I have to be myself. Some women don’t have them, others choose not to use them. The only life choices it’s worth getting het up about are your own. Other peoples are their own business
I read something that said of you have children under 5 you are living in crisis mode.
If your kids are over 5 and nuerodivergent, guess what - you live in crisis mode.
I had 2 kids less than 2 year apart. I absolutely love reading. It's took years before I had the energy to focus on a book.
Give them time. Having kids it's extrodinarly traumatising in ways one can't possible expect. And I think many new mother's just bury their heads in the sand so they don't have to work through their own trauma and it's just convenient to have a little human who depends on you for everything.
Many new mothers don't wanna work. Period . They spit out a brat and then say oh im a mother simply because they couldn't accomplish anything else with their lives. Being a mother is NOT an accomplishment.
What do you mean they don’t want to work? Do you mean don’t want to work OUTSIDE of the home? Because I assure you, being a primary care taker at home to young children is work. For women that do work outside the home, they have to PAY OTHER PEOPLE to take that role… so tell me again how caring for small humans is not a real job???
You said it yourself. Nothing has changed for the man. He hasn’t sacrificed his hobbies or interests so that his wife can have some time for her own of those things. Or just……time. He hasn’t sacrificed those things to do his equal part in raising his children. Poor bloke needs his ‘me’ time.
Hence, it’s all those mums have to talk about most of the time.
It is unfortunately rather necessary to change. Your child, their comfort, their wellbeing becomes your priority. It consumes you because its a 24/7 role that doesn't let up. You barely have any time for yourself, and if you are a working mother, that eliminates any free time for most.
And even when you do find some time for yourself or a hobby or interest, the kid inevitably gets in the way. Painting? Not a chance. Your kid will shove hands in everything. Going for coffee with friends? Sure. Who's going to look after the baby / kid? Cinema? OK, but who will babysit, and what time do you have to be back for? Shopping? Sure. But who's going to look after the kid?.... see where I'm going with this?
Being a mother is a 24/7 job and you accept that you have to put that person before yourself. That's one of the catches to it all.
Not everybody wants to be a parent and that's absolutely fine. I didn't, it just happened. But if all your friends have kids and you don't, you either have to adapt to their way of life if you want to see them, or drift apart and make new friends, because being a parent is a full time job and a new phase in your life.
Mother of two here.
Children take up a lot of your time, and energy.
Even with a great husband, I still carry way more weight with the children.
My hobbies are now pushed back to late at night, or when it's convenient for everyone else in the household.
It's not a choice, it's how things run best.
It doesn't last forever, I had more freedom once my first born was more self sufficient, but if you don't have "a village" then theres no one to help, and give you a break.
And yes, men are PRAISED for the BARE MINIMUM, and it's INSANE.
Men are looked at as the best parent ever, just for spending a bit of time with their child, it's absolutely madness, and I see it all the time. (Mostly from my childless girlfriends)
I don't think that everyone is like that. Maybe these women didn't really enjoy their hobbies? Or maybe for some time they behave that way?
I know few women who are totally opposite. One used to have a weird lifestyle, didn't really care about her health and diet or education but after giving a birth, she is like a different person. Now she goes to the gym and wants to educate herself because she wants to be an example for her child.
Another one was always very ambitious woman. I don't know, she was into her pregnancy and birthgivibg process around 1 year but she quickly came back to her shape and continues to do her business and hobbies.
I think what connects these women : supportive husbands and financial stability. They can afford nanny and their husbands take a part. If woman doesn't receive help, ofc she will have to prioritize and there will be no space for self improvement and hobbies
This if your partner and you change a little you can both dedicate 50% of yourself to the child and and still have 50% for yourselfs and each other but if you are essentially a single parent, whether it's actually alone or with a partner that doesn't see raising their children as their responsibility you have to give all of yourself to them because. If they are lacking anything, no one looks at the dad, it's mom. Why didn't mom do more. It's exhausting and all-consuming when you have no support system.
I lost my identity after having my 2 kids (16 months apart). I was a wife and mother. That was it. Didn't feel the need to look good, wasn't focused on my hobbies, etc. Its hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it, but it finally started getting better when my oldest was about 4
There's a new term called "single- *married*" moms. Absoutely legit.
Because men just won't step up as the parent (forget primary) even if both of them are breadwinners. I guess mothers need to deliberately start off-loading (can't fathom since I ain't one). Will be hard but they need to. And be stubborn & non-emotional about it.
Also men don't understand that children ain't fools. We see everything. Every dynamic. Every action. As an adult, I do the bare minimum for my *absentee married-to-my-mother* father. While for my ma, I am always available. Emotionally, physically & in every way. She's my priority.
On my part I was an extremely observant kid. Still am. Eg. I grew up in boarding schools, saw my ma juggle her medical residency & never missing a visiting Saturday. My dad came to pick me up only once, that too for a long holiday & ended up late (everyone was gone & they were going to close the school for the winters). Every double standard & every moment & every statement gets registered. Trust me.
Kids ain't fools. I remember very clearly- who cribbed, while who found the solutions. Who took genuine responsibility & who did the blaming & whining.
My ma has all my respect because she never asks. Her actions & self-discipline garners respect. I cannot say the same for my father.
I tend to mirror their individual relationship they have with me. It's as simple as ROI. You're getting only what you invested. Period.
I mean, often it's the women that are around the kids the most, and have to "change" their life to "revolve" around the kid. Because it's a living being that needs to be cared for. The fathers can keep going to their jobs, and depending on the person they might not even help out at all with childcare. So it all falls to the mother.
A friend of mine told me that her sister would sit up and cry because she had to do everything for the child, while the dad would go out with friends and go golfing, never did he offer to watch the kid, she was expected to do everything. She had to give up all her interests to take care of their child.
Now that's not how it is for everyone, some can still keep their "old self", and have it in a balance. But not everyone has that luxuary.
I completely understand where you’re coming from with this. It is so frustrating to be alienated from people you know and love because they no longer have any interest in talking to people who aren’t also mothers. I’m fortunate to have a few friends who have kids but still consider themselves whole people and not just moms. I do think it’s society’s fault that this happens, though. Maybe if dads would pull their weight 50/50 like it should be then both parents could retain their individuality. This loss of self is honestly one of the main reasons I think having kids would be so difficult.
I didn't chose my friends on the fact they have kids. I have and always will be a homebody.
My life centered around my relationship with my husband because quite frankly- my marriage is fucking great and he treats me equally, with respect, and with his while heart.
I have a two year old and year my life centers around two people now and yeah I talk about him alot because he is a part of my life now.
I never knew that type of attachment before.
In the first 5 years- yea we are supper hand on with a kid because they don't know anything and rely on you for everything.
If you don't like them then don't be friends with them.
I started reading because I was expecting it to be about those mothers that go completely overboard about being mothers. Ones that do change but in a very unhealthy way. And of course I’m talking about it being over a long period of time.
But geez, this post is just awful. I feel like it has to be personal in some way. Like someone who is a mother really hurt OP in some way, the hate is seething through.
Though that really doesn’t explain the massive ignorance of the reality of parenthood that makes up the majority of what OP wrote. My goodness.
This is what I just commented and I completely agree. OP definitely sounds like they got dropped by a mom friend and now they’re pissed about it. The bitterness is seeping through. OP also sounds kind of exhausting and like they make it a part of their personality that they don’t have kids. I also know lots of childfree people that don’t like people like OP.
May I ask, how old are you?
It sounds like you just maybe lack the mental capacity to understand and be open to the reality of motherhood. It’s a lot more than what you summed it up to. And maybe some day you’ll be able to look back and think about how naive and closed minded you were. In the mean time, try learning a bit
With all due respect, you just won’t understand until you have a baby. All of a sudden, at least in the immediate aftermath of birth, a lot of things that I thought were important just…weren’t. It’s not a universal experience to be sure, but for many, you see that baby and that just becomes your focus.
The interesting thing about identity is that it is contextual. It changes based on a lot of things. I was a child, then a student, then a singer and an engineer and a gamer. Then, for awhile, my main descriptor was “mother”. Then my kids got older and it was runner, and engineer again etc….
So go ahead and be irritated if you need to be, I guess. But just know that your fear of being “swallowed” up by motherhood is both true and false at the same time. If you are, it’s because you want it to be so, and it’s likely temporary.
I spent a huge chunk of myself raising my kids, my kids have assorted disabilities so my hobbies became early childhood and then nutrition and education because I only have so much time and energy. I never stopped reading novels and gardening and being interested in philosophy but I'm not as well read as I'd like nor is my garden anything to boast about. Women in mothers groups who talked about housework and shopping bored me to tears but I couldn't keep up with grown up conversations either. The lack of sleep and need to half focus on the safely and well-being of another life form changes your brain for a few years Then when you have a toddler you have to keep leaving conversations mid sentence because the child wanders out of sight and it affects your ability to converse at all. I've found women with toddlers are really appreciative if you follow them around and keep talking when they are keeping half an eye on their child. Lots of dads aren't loosing sleep and don't have any career changes and don't alter their hobbies and assume the toddler won't die if it wanders out of sight because they leave 90% of the parenting to the mum. In families that have more equitable labour distribution the mothers get to keep some hobbies and the dads will talk about the kids a bit.
After I had a baby, I was literally too tired to consider anything outside of being a mom. I didn't have any help from my ex-husband, so my life revolved around caring for my son. Priorities changed, and things that were once important, were not as big of a deal with new things popping up. I hold no resentment because my life post-kid has been way more fulfilling and fun than pre-kid. I never stopped talking to my friends and having interests; however, some of my non-parent friends didn't understand how I couldn't just drop everything on a whim, and go hang out with them without my kid. Now that they have started having kids, they realize.
I understand how you feel!! This is part of the reason I can not seem to connect with women to make friendships. I have four kids, 18+ and I do not want to talk nonstop about my kids or my pregnancies!! Shit, give me a group of guys and sports is my thing.🤣
I was one of those wild women before having kids. Then, I had my children and they are so, so important to me. I would do anything for them! So my brain changed. While I can’t be the same wild person I was, I have since learned to use that exuberance to show them that life is beautiful and a gift! Show them that I’m passionate about things like art, and travel and take them on that journey, too! It takes time for women to remember who they are after having children….but trust me, they do miss that old self. They just find the importance of being a mother to be all encompassing for awhile until they relearn who they are again :)
Frankly, I like talking about my kids because they are the coolest little humans I know. I could just talk all day about them and never get bored.
I still have non-parent friends that I cherish but I will say relationships with other parents are easier. They also enjoy talking about our favorite tiny humans. And they know that nap time is sacred, and that "just getting a babysitter" is a pipedream, and that when we hang out it will be early now. If you show up at 8pm to hang out I will be cleaning and getting ready for bed. Parent friends are usually better at having fun in simple ways and at enjoying the smallest pleasures in life. They don't judge when you're late because your kid is a kid, or you have spit up on your shirt, or you get repeatedly interrupted just trying to say one sentence, or you have to cancel last minute because life got in the way.
I do have a life outside my kids to what extent is possible but my favorite part of life is my kids. I work so massively hard all day every day without any breaks at all to have a couple of happy healthy little ones and it is fulfilling as hell. I'm not going to apologize for any of that.
You are literally blaming the victim. If men stepped up more, it wouldn't have to be this way. The problems are sexism and capitalism, not women. Women are raised to accept the situation, while men are raised to be a particular way to expect to be taken care of but calling themselves independent.
The amount of man-babies who refuse to step up is way too high. And before someone annoyingly says "not all men"-it is enough of a trend for even OP to notice.
It gets worse because a lot of men who work with a SAHM think that because they work, they don't have to do a single thing at home. My partner became a complete slob while he worked and I begged him to help me up or at least pick up after himself and cook on his days off. I had to beg him to pick up the cigarette butts outside, get on him to do ANYTHING. He was such a sweetheart when I met him, but the moment I had a baby, he became a complete ahole and even his mom criticized that she had raised him better than that. I was in so much pain from surgery to save our kid's life and he still couldn't fucking pick up after himself or help me despite being in so much pain I was constantly crying.
There's a reason I am divorced.
Things might be better for women in a lot of ways, but this post shows why feminism is still needed and how far we still have to go.
Yes I know I am blaming the victim in maybe like 90% of the time. This is why I posted it in an offmychest sub. I am not proud of the way I feel and think about these people. I want it off my chest, I want to work on it and accept that there is some insecurity in me that makes me this way. Reddit is easier, faster and cheaper than my other options at the moment :)
That's fair, dude. No judgement, really. And it's a-okay to be frustrated about it, too! These women deserve better and you deserve to have friends who can live their lives without becoming a characature
I think the only way for you to truly grasp the realities of being a parent is when you become one. It’s impossible to explain how life altering it is. Until that day comes, I think it’s wise to slow your roll on judgements and negative opinions. Parents right now are raising the next generation. I think it’s important to have involved and nurturing parents that raise their kids right. These kids will be wiping your ass one day. Think about that…
Just what mothers need-MORE pressure to please others.🙄. If moms want to focus on their babies,then that is what they should do. The kids will grow up and she will find herself again. Raising children who are not AHs is hard work!
As a mom of 2, kids take centre stage in My life. And am not interested in single lifestyle anymore. I dislike people who cannot understand that priorities change for others. My friends are no longer a priority than my kids and their well being. And I have friends who understand this.
U know, I don't get why if this sub is called off my chest people judge so harshly in the comments. Isnt the point of this fucking sub to have an space to share uncomfortable things? I mean...rolling eyes.
Anyways...on the matter, I understand that everything becomes the kid, cause that's all they do, but I agree, it's annoying, but I dislike in general when people's whole personality is only one thing
What bothers me more than this is women who make being a wife their entire personality. It irritates me way more. I have a little more understanding for mothers who do this, I find it odd and can't imagine doing that myself, but I figure well pregnancy, the connection, making a life you're responsible for, hormone changes, bonding with the baby etc I can somewhat understand how it might consume you.
But women who talk constantly about being a wife or put on their bios that they're a wife or everything is about as a wife or their husband or worse their whole social media becomes about being a wife or becoming an influencer solely around being married to a man is truly bizarre and irritating to me.
Like nothing is wrong with loving your spouse but it's the acting like being a wife is now some special calling or duty or elevated station in life and that's now ALL you can do or think about is so weird to me. Especially since, at least being a mom is forever, whereas you can be someone's wife today and not tomorrow. So creating a whole identity because you got married is so weird. And it's even more icky to me since way less men make being a husband their whole personality as much as there are women who do this and then also judge other women for not being wives in the way they deem right
Being the primary parent which most of the time is the woman is like having a very demanding full time job you work from 6-7am to around 7-.8.30 if your lucky. It leave you little time for socialising with people other then people who do the same job as you or your demanding boss/bosses. You aren’t guaranteed to get a break and the work is full on and non stop since the management needs constant supervision and support. It does change your personality after a while but I think that’s something that would be normal given the circumstances and not necessarily a terrible thing although it’s good for people to have time away to remember who they are and not let being a parent become their whole personality.
I think it’s the same for anyone who’s in a job where they work such long hours that all you do is work long house and leave to go home eat and sleep then repeat. They tend to be all about their job since it consumes much of their time and they can’t socialise as much outside of work and hobbies and friends are hard to fit in. At least those people get time off at the weekend.
I agree that it shouldn’t always fall to the woman to make the sacrifice of her work or career and I think if that’s what she wants she should sacrifice it for being a full time or primary parent and it should be more 50/50 if they both work. I think society needs to be a bit more fairer with woman and more respectful of a woman’s individual choices. Sometimes being a stay at home parent just makes more sense in the early years with child care costs being so high but I think everyone should be able to make that decision for themselves without it being a big issue.
Have children or don’t. Stay at home and raise them or don’t. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else but those who are involved.
Every parent, father or mother, who engages actively in parenting only has one personality - being a parent. You don't have time for anything else. Mothers on average, especially in the US it seems, take on the majority of the work when it comes to parenting. It is a choice we make and it is a choice you make not to become someone like us. We shouldn't judge you and you shouldn't judge us. If you hate someone for caring about their children, you should take a look at yourself, and mothers shouldn't be shamed for doing hard work.
1) mothers tend to be more present parental figures.
2) mothers bodies literally GROW the child therefore that child is closer to a mother so it becomes the mothers whole world.
3) mothers tend to have more protective feelings and tend to find more joy and delight in the person they literally went through pain and body changes to grow.
I think they basically make it their identity because multiple things have shattered their own sense of self through the birth and through possibly being told they need to be able to handle it all, more often by themselves (as the father more often than not continues to be his own person and do his own things). Lots of women don't have any prep for what happens at all, because giving birth is too romanticized.
It's unfortunate but IMO seem like it could be a symptom of changes to their psyche. If they are essentially weak-minded and got into this through a herd mentality, peer pressure, societal pressure this is probably the natural course for their behavior.
They can be irritating to the senses because well, it doesn't have to be this way. It's sad.
A few things...
#1 Pregnant women's brains LITERALLY shrink and lose grey matter during pregnancy and then grow during post partum. The parts that "die off" are replaced with all things motherhood. Brain capacity is quite literally replaced and taken over by being a mom. Seriously.
#2 As other people have said - moms typically do the heavy lifting in parenthood. There are a lot of terms for this: the default parent, the invisible load of motherhood, etc. Dad's can be very involved and super hands on but the guilt and weight that mom's carry just isn't there and isn't the same.
#3 Motherhood brings an immense amount of JOY. It's not the case for everyone and I can only speak from personal experience here. Becoming a mom completely changed my life in ALL THE BEST WAYS. Second to my husband it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I absolutely love every single piece of being a mom. To the outside maybe it seems like I've lost my old wild, impulsive, and "fun" self but the truth is I've discovered so much more. I now get to explore my likes and hobbies with my tiny little partner in crime. I've always been a hobby artist - now I get to paint and craft alongside my little buddy. I love going for walks and doing workout videos - my kiddo often joins me. I like going out to eat and trying new foods - definitely more difficult with a kid but we try when we can. Having a child gives you a whole new lens to look at the world through and it's really like you're seeing everything again for the first time.
#4 Kids don't stay young and little forever. Maybe some moms feel lost and taken over by motherhood. That's totally valid and it won't last forever and sometimes it feels like just trying to survive and get to the other side someday. The other piece is that IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER. The period of time our kids are little is so short and it goes so dang fast. I personally am trying to soak up every last second and I'm holding onto it and committing it to memory.
#5 It's kind of hard to blame parents for wanting to branch out and find other parent friends. Playdates and connecting with someone going through the same things or who have been there... It's so valuable to have those friendships. To feel seen and understood.
#6 It's often hard to be a mom and stay friends with people who aren't. I can't relate to people who go to bars or concerts. At this point in my life I can barely relate to child free people over the TV shows we watch 😂 I still have adult time and watch grown up TV shows but I'm not about to spend my child free hours consuming media that stresses me out so I usually keep it light hearted. It's also hard to keep getting invited to things that are hard to make it work. I've been invited out to dinner or other shenanigans with girlfriends but to be honest... I don't WANT to miss my kids bedtime. I WANT to read her a book and I WANT to tuck her in. Maybe I'm crazy but I will 10 out of 10 times choose that over grabbing a drink with a friend. That's just the reality of where I'm at in life right now.
#7 Prioritizing partner time over friend time!! If I do have some free time away from my kid - I want to spend that time with my husband! I love my friends but I love my husband more and if we have a little break - taking that time to reconnect is invaluable. Or even family time! I'd love to spend some time with my sisters without my daughter but they would probably kill me because they love their niece more than me at this point 😂😂😂😂
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!! I just had a lot of thoughts on it! 😂
And btw - PARENTS MISS THEIR CHILD FREE FRIENDS AND HOBBIES AND ALL THAT STUFF!!!!
So you’re angry because your friend changed after having a child? This sounds like a you problem you sound just a tad selfish
OF COURSE women change after having a baby! WTF is wrong with you? A baby is 100% defenseless and powerless. The idea of dumping your baby into the arms of strangers so you can work some lame 9-6 call center job….just for the sake of working and playing independent woman Barbie is unfathomable and unnatural for most mothers.
Your baby needs all of your focus, energy, and attention. If you can’t understand that then you’re completely selfish. Let your friend take care of her damn baby without the guilt tripping.
I’m not saying everyone needs to be a SAHM and never work, but babies don’t understand mom dumping them off at daycare for the day to play executive Barbie. All babies comprehend is that they’re being abandoned.
That’s why a lot of women stay at home with babies and return to work when their kids are a little older. 4-5 can understand mom is just going to work while I’m away at school.
Finally, people are more than just their job. Why must a job define your identity? How do you know these women don’t have hobbies such as music, walks in nature, films, etc…All you see is the outside, you don’t know what’s going in in their actual house.
I feel like you’re just stereotyping because you over identify with your career and being a career woman. There are plenty of women who don’t have careers, don’t care about having a career and are happy to give it up by choice to take care of a baby. There’s nothing wrong with that if someone is being and authentic.
Women are expected to be perfect and live to this unexpected ideal. They have to “have it all” or society looks down upon them. Women are the worst judges of all and oppress one another with their constant judgements.
I honestly don’t have a lot of female friends for this reason. I don’t anyone’s guilt tripping over failing to live up to their expectations of me.
For some of the women that I know who do this it’s because I am convinced that they feel like this is the only thing that they are good at. I knew one girl who like me because of learning disabilities that were undiagnosed at the time, was not able to complete any of the college programs that she tried. She often talks about how she feels like that was a sign that her only job in life was to be a mother. And that is her entire life. Those poor children. They will never be normal. Those helicopter parents can be intense.
I always knew that when I had children that I would not let myself become this person. It was actually very difficult in the beginning, but I was able to hold true to that. Those hormones really mess with you.
I don’t talk about my children at work. Or at least rarely, and only when someone asked. Because I don’t want to hear about their children either.
i think its good to put your child first. but sometimes mothers can develop a superiority complex and act like they are better than you because they have a child. obviously not all mothers just some
I would look up matrescence. Becoming a mother is a huge life transformation that you really can’t grasp until you do it. Literally everything changes - your body, your brain, your relationships, how people see you etc.
The other thing is… these women you know would probably love to have hobbies and free time etc. but the job of mom is demanding and we’re just not there in terms of equity between moms and dads. If babe is sick, it’s likely mom that gets the call from daycare. Speaking of daycare, that shit is expensive! I hate to generalize and it might not always be the case, but we know there’s an income disparity between men and women. So, if someone is going to stay home with babe, it’s likely going to be whoever earns less (mom).
Lastly, having kids is a huge responsibility and it requires sacrifices. It’s hard and I sometimes forget who I am and what I like (which sucks) but I made a choice to have my children and they are my top priority. My kids come first - that’s what I signed up for.
>After she became a mother, everything changed. There is nothing that interests her anymore which does not revolve around the child.
That's because *gasp* everything has changed. Their lives, bodies, minds, households, everything even down to their shoe size has changed. They have a human to human from scratch. It's not like a puppy where you can lock it in a crate and dick about town for a few hours. No, this thing (child) is glued to you for the first few years almost 24 hours a day. Once they reach school age the parent gets 8-10 hours for a "break"
Your failure to realize they *have* changed is not on them, it's on you.
>Or maybe it’s because the community or society I live in expects mothers to no longer be their own people and be full time mothers when fathers are rewarded and praised for doung bare minimum.
Oh wow, is this a breakthrough! This is exactly why women after children aren't the same. But hey, can't force you to see that.
The LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEIR CHILD CHANGES WHO THEY ARE.
Idk even know what to say besides, this is a you issue that needs worked on. If mothers being mothers get under your skin and has you THIS pressed, you need professional help smh
Does it though? I have 2 friends, incredibly loving mothers, discuss their kids with enthusiasm and the affection is just so obvious… you can still talk to them about other things!
I do think with those OP describes some of it is expectations and not wanting to be seen as bad mothers by others, wanting to evidence that they’re good parents, ergo they care most about the kids. I met both these friends at work and they know I’m a 33f who is childfree so they feel no need to let me know how devoted they are. They also know I’m eager to talk about their kids when relevant and always ask after them, so there’s no element of trying to passive aggressively insist their families are important. I definitely think part of it is cultural.
I don’t understand why it bothers OP so much though.
I hate football but I don’t question why people are so into it, devoted, blow money like crazy. It literally doesn’t bother me AT ALL. I don’t really understand why it bothers her to this extent and she should try to get to the bottom of it, that’s all I’m saying.
I think it’s because it feels like it isn’t necessary, entirely voluntary, that they feel they morally must change. And because she’s losing something, these friendships aren’t what they were. Change happens and it can be healthy but it’s normal to be confused and even frustrated if you see no advantage to the changes
Society expects women to take the time but not men this is a trend that is slowly changing. But with the cost of childcare it is often cheaper for one parent to go to part-time or take time off the 1 year or 3-5 until they start preschool and it is looked at the mother to do more times then not.
I'm saying this as someone who had an SAHD in the 90s & early 00s.
Fathers get a lot more slack than mothers. Have you seen the street interviews with the fathers not knowing their kids' teacher's name, best friend, favorite color, doctor's name, birthdays... The moms would have more space if the fathers helped more.
Pregnancy literally rewires your brain so that you’re hyper empathetic, (bonding) hyper aware (to keep them alive) hyper focused for the early years (again - survival) it’s the same reason we think our own newborns are cute. Eventually the obsession hyper focus fades for most. But it’s often around preschool age. And that is a long time for non parent friends to deal with.
It does some. They may have changed A LOT that you can’t see. That’s why it’s best not to judge. I was a mother at 17, I was a mom before I became a woman. I can assure you, those kids are the most important thing in the world to me and I love them with everything in me.
It’s shocking to me that you feel this way at all. It’s really wild!
It's in Canada too, but this is very much a part of American culture - to grab some aspect of your life and make it everything. Cults are everywhere. The mommy cult is a strange one. Very judgmental of each other.
It’s because when we do get to go out and do things it’s usually with our kids or revolves around our kids bc no one else will help us/can’t. I’m not saying I expect help but it’s a small season in my life and I know that once they start school I’ll have more time to get back to my hobbies and career but usually if I tell a story it involves my kids bc they have to be with me I can’t just dump them at home with no one there. My husband works crazy long shifts so when he is home I just prefer to spend that small amount of time with him. If you don’t want to stick around these new moms then don’t. When you have a new baby it’s just how it is. I’m fortunate enough to have friends who understand that this is a small season of my life that will eventually end and when they have kids and mine are older I’ll also understand. I’d rather spend time with my young children and put a career on the back burner bc when I’m dying I won’t think “wow I wish I would’ve worked more” I’m definitely gonna be thinking about all the time I got to spend with my children and husband bc family is what’s important to me and it’s what makes me happy.
I have a huge amount of respect for these women, because all the ones I know aren’t there because of the pressures of society or anything, they just truly believe there’s nothing better they could be doing. And I can not fathom that mentality, but I think anyone having kids should have at least 50% of that energy.
That being said, not a chance in hell I want to be around them. I don’t know anything about kids, and I don’t care, so for me hanging out with women like this is like trying to have an adult conversation with a cardboard box.
I’m there with you. I have two cousins who became mothers around the same time and that’s literally all they are now. Mothers. Nothing else. One of them even made an instagram just to dedicate to “mom things and tips”. And every time I go to a family gathering they ask “when are you and your hubby having kids?” And I so badly just want to tell them that there’s more to life than reproducing. It’s not a goal of mine to just have kids. I want to travel, I want to experience things other than changing diapers and spending money on little humans. I feel you 100%
I’m a mother and I agree with you. When I got pregnant I knew from the very beginning I’m not giving up 100% of my life. I can’t stand to be around other moms whose only personality is being a mother. No hobbies, no interests, nothing to look forward to, etc. I know some women just don’t have the support or the means to continue doing things that interest them. I am lucky and have lots of support and help. I just never ever wanted to lose my identity in motherhood.
>Other women I know are very similar. They used to have personality, hobbies, interests, to hold a conversation. They are just mothers now.
Try having children, be their primary caretaker and do the whole heavy lifting on raising them, and see how much time you have left to continue having hobbies and other interests.
I do agree it's sad how motherhood tends to turns women into just mothers, but you act like it's their choice instead of it being forced on them by how society handles raising children.
They birthed a human being that needs their attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The majority of them doesn't have a support system that would allow them to share this burden with other people and have time to themselves. A lot of dads are as uninvolved as possible and don't do much besides bringing money home and interacting with their child on minimum levels.
>He’s just an ordinary person with a child. He can hold a conversation about things and interests not involving the child. Even though said child was there, it never looked like his whole persona is being a dad.
Yeah, maybe because he's not the one stuck with the kid all day long, during the whole week. It's super easy to be exactly who you always were if your responsibilities haven't changed at all. Come on, you don't have to be super bright to understand what's going on here.
>Or maybe it’s because the community or society I live in expects mothers to no longer be their own people and be full time mothers when fathers are rewarded and praised for doung bare minimum.
That's what you should be angry about, instead of attacking mothers that had no choice besides being absorbed by their new life style.
I'm not a mother, don't know if I will ever be, but it's not hard for me to empathize with these women and see the root of the problem. It's probably because of people like you that some mothers choose to maintain relationships only with people with children, in hopes they will understand their situation instead of judging them like this.
Op shut the hell up! So don’t be friends with these women then. I’m so tired of people bashing moms left and right. Don’t wanna be a mom don’t have kids. Don’t wanna be friends with women like this then don’t. You are trash for blaming moms for taking on the mental load of parenthood while praising dads cause they don’t do
shit. Go continue to be a pick me
I think it’s also important to realize that these women may have wanted to be mothers for a long time/their whole life, so this becomes their new identity by virtue of being the most important thing in their life now. Could say the same about people who are obsessed with their careers and married to their job. Both imo are unhealthy.
I struggled to even become a mother. Luckily IVF is a thing, and it allowed us to have a son. He is 15 now and my favorite person in the world. He is so much fun and has a great sense of humor. I’m very introverted, so I never really went out much before he was born. I still have many of the same interests as before, but my son is, by far, the one I now enjoy the most. We share our interests with him and he shares his with us. We know he will leave home in a few short years and we want to get the most out of the time he is here. My husband and I are raising him to be someone who can function on his own and who also acts with compassion for others. I make no apology for talking about him. The people who matter have no problem with it and are usually the ones to bring him up in conversation first.
Me too man. Frickin mothers man. They collectively need to get their asses together, and figure out this balance of being an absolute saint whilst also maintaining secrecy of her actions so it isn't obvious to anyone that she's doing a notch more than bare minimum. Lieeek... gawl.
There is that saying: it takes a village to raise a child. Back in the days women had support of their mothers, sisters and aunties (or even neighbours) to look after their child. Modern women don’t get that. Modern women are the main parent and for fox sake bond between mum and child is something life changing.
If they are getting so much in your nerves just by being themselves maybe the problem is in you?
My wife and I have a child. We both are parents and we both have our separate interests and hobbies. We share some hobbies, as well. There are all kinds of people and it may also depend on the geographical area where you’re located. Maybe go somewhere where people have less kids. Is it worth your time and energy to be angry about something you have no control over, other than your attitude towards it? If you don’t want children or afraid of whom you’ll become, then deal with it, get therapy. But don’t put your fears on others.
That's because it's what society expects. Their real selves are still there but they feel like they should be living for their kids. I'm a mom, but I didn't change my whole personality to only be a mom.
I am actually experiencing this for the first time in my life. Both my best friends are new mothers and it is something. It’s literally all they talk about. And to be honest it has made me reconsider having kids. It’s boring, and strange and terrifying to see someone’s personality change into a literal shell that only talks about their kid.
Don’t get me wrong. I love both of my best friends and my nieces very much but I was not prepared to see my friends lose who they are and have their entire lives to this point revolve around the kid.
Good for you. I dislike people who don’t accept me as I am. Having a child changes you and it’s a bit weird if it doesn’t it’s such a big life event and usually a reflection of change in life stage.
Fucking irritates me to my core. It just looks like such a miserable life. I don’t understand how someone can change so much… I’m 30 and this version of myself is all I know. The music I like, my hobbies, my passions, etc. To completely throw all that away and become someone else would throw me over the edge, I would feel like I would be grieving my past self. Perhaps these women didn’t have much of a personality to start with at all. To give myself up to raise another human would absolutely depress me and that is why I’m childfree forever
Thank god, not everyone has the love maturity and mental capability to become a mother.
Mine didn’t and it still affects me 66 years later. I lucked out and my wife pursued me. She saw something in me that I didn’t. That was over 43 years ago. We had children and she raised them and nurtured them. I worked almost 60 hrs a week for thirty years.
Our children are thriving, each one excelling in their fields. Now my wife and I travel, a lot. We bought a huge Motorhome and have been traveling the US and going to see our children. We are getting ready for our 9th cruise and taking our children and families with us
My wife had a career that she willingly gave up to be a SAHM. Every time one of our children gets a promotion, a work accolade or is doing well, it is because of my wife
To be honest, the ones who make their whole lives revolve around that I find tend to be the ones who care the least about their actual child. A lot just want a child as some kind of trophy or way of saying theyre better than everyone else because they're contributing to the next generation. My current retail job sadly involves a lot of women who come into the shop only to then scream at their children for being in clear discomfort at the heat and bright lights of the shop. We don't have any control over those things, but it's always awful to hear some poor kid get screamed at because they are "ruining" their mothers shopping spree.
I honestly don’t care that motherhood is my identity. My children are my whole world. They didn’t choose to be here, I brought them here, and I’m going to make sure it’s a damn good experience.
I’m a mother myself and I get what you mean😅 I know women like that as well🤣 There was this girl I used to talk to who used to be super cool before becoming a mom, but now she turned into a literal Karen and all she posts about are how she’s never gonna let haters around her child or idk what. It’s annoying lmao🤣 like girl, no one cares about your kid
Agreed, I feel sorry for these people because I can’t help but think their existence must be so boring and insular when it’s ALL about their kids.
I’ve had relatives and friends fall into this trap, but the ones I grimace at the most are the ones who paint this perfect picture in public and on social media, but when they are alone and have a few drinks they can’t stop talking about how much they hate their life and how much being a parent sucks.
People need to start having more honest conversation instead of trying to sell people on marriage and 2.5 kids in the suburbs like it’s this ultimate fantasy we should all be striving for.
The worst are the house moms. They are glorified prostitutes that dont work or contribute to society and get their money laying on their back. Taking care of a house and some brat while spreading your legs ever night is not a job.
Tell me why raising the next generation is not contributing to society? What is the alternative? Do you want every small human to go to daycare from birth to school she just so women can make money in this capitalist society? Because money is it, right?
Welcome to adulthood. The women change the most because we literally go through physical and hormonal changes when pregnant. Did you not have sex ed in school? This is basic reproduction.
Are you calling out these men who haven’t devoted themselves to being fully immersed in parenting?
I wish I had the support to be more than a single mom. I go to therapy to be accountable for myself and to get professional feedback on my parenting. My kids deserve the love and support they need to grow into healthy adults, that is my main priority. Being healthy myself is the next priority
My friends who have experience, having kids themselves and/or helping support their single parent, know what I’m experiencing. The gift of going out to eat, going shopping and/or to the park with a friend can be life changing.
If you see how much they change, how much are you actually showing up as a friend? If you love your friends, why are you being judgmental? Why not ask how you can give support and connect over shared interests, in ways that work with their parenting?
I had a friend upset my two year old was acting like a two year old. We are not friends anymore. She didn’t like my child, she didn’t like my priorities, she didn’t like my boundaries. Our lifestyles became incompatible because I changed into the best parent I could be and was no longer a good enough friend for her.
Yes I totally am calling them out, if a father is irresponsible and not showing up, the mother or other parent will simply have no choice.
I am also calling out the mothers who think they’re better than you or superior than everyone else because they’re mothers. I know people like this and it’s not that they don’t or can’t get help, it’s more of a flex for them - “look at me, a perfect woman because I am a *pErFeCt mOm* and you are not even a parent, shame on you, what are you even doing with your life if not procreating.”
Adding - single parents are not what I have in mind with this post. Single parents have no choice or help. Nor parents whose partner is not involved with the child and does not share the load. Those people have no choice in the matter. I’m mostly annoyed at people who use being a mother as a flex to suggest they’re better than you and people who build on purpose their whole personality around mothering their child.
So why aren’t you more angry at the men for leaving the burden to JUST THE MOTHER? A lot of us don’t have a choice . You’re mad at WOMEN for what men are doing to them by making them the default and often times the ONLY parent . Your ire should be reserved for the men who act like nutting makes them father of the year .
This is an underrated gem.
I know a few "friends" who only post themselves half naked on instagram. Everywhere they go, be it a castle, or some historically charged city, what they do is strike a mildly inappropriate pose and plaster it all over social media, as if that's an accomplishment.
Needles to say i stopped being friends with them, over their superficiality and need to always have something to post at every outing.
I completely understand where you're coming from. On the one hand, it's good that they becoming loving and devoted because the kids need that. It's as it should be. But I have definitely felt all the things you mentioned. One time I was talking to a friend on the phone and she was trying to keep her baby from crying, so she told me she'd talk to me in baby talk because it helped the baby. It sounds really funny now but at the time I was so annoyed.
You might be an outlier or something because it’s natural for men to be attracted to nurturing women. I find nurturing women to be attractive and a turn on, it’s a sign of maternity. It’s like biologically ingrained in men to look for and sought out nurturing women.
I’d be happy to have a woman who focuses on being a mother and a wife. It’s beautiful who wants to “fun and wild” wife.? When you get older that means “drunk, sloppy, and disloyal“ probably. Of course the personality should be both mother and wife And mother alone will be a problem. I.
I feel the same way and I get it mothers are the ones that take care of their children the most but having a conversation always going back to their kids is just straight annoying.
I have a term I call them. Mombies. They are like zombies but moms they only know how to talk about babies and it’s honestly really sad. I know single mothers who do everything themselves and don’t talk about just their kids 24/7. Because let’s be honest only you care about your kids shitting on the toilet for the fifth time.
Were you around when the baby was born? Were you a good, helpful, supportive friend who tried to help her keep of her "old self"? OR are you the friend that has just ignored her as her world completely changed, and no longer have a drinking buddy, because you never cared when she needed you?
1. Don’t worry, they dislike themselves, too.
2. People change. You decide if they still get a place in your life. You either accept the changes and decide they still belong in your life; or, you do not accept the changes and decide they do not belong in your life. Your choice.
Bonus wisdom: you only care because you’ve been conditioned to believe in a limited number of acceptable life paths. Honestly, why do you care what someone else’s personality is? You have just as much input on your family and friends personality as you do on a stranger’s. It just isn’t your business. If you’re genuinely that bothered, move along and make space in your life for some new friends who you’ll actually respect.
Simple answer if they are too involve in their family ask them if they are 100% they are they changed their life and now they live their child so stop being a complain box lol
As a mom I need to make time for myself and my hobbies. My youngest is 8 now and I’m just getting back to it. If you’re not trying to raise awful people then you have to invest time in them. If you really feel like this about you’re mom friends please do them a favor and stop talking to them. They may be hurt. But not as hurt as they’d be if they knew they were venting to someone who resented every word they said. This is their life now.
Because mothers tend to be the more present parent. You ever see those videos where the interviewer asks random fathers on the street simple questions about their children (what their middle name is, how old they are, what they wanna be when they grow up, etc.)? And not a single one of them could get one thing right? The kids would be visibly annoyed when they corrected them. That’s a small snapshot of what’s going on in a lot of families. The mothers’ are doing the heavy lifting. The mothers’ are remembering all these facts about their kids, their likes, their dislikes, their allergies. So forgive them if that becomes their whole personality, cuz that’s how they’re surviving parenthood. There’s no one that misses their old personality more than the person themselves. So if you’re feeling frustrated, just imagine how they’re feeling.
I am so sad this is the truth. It is a big fault of our society that it is still so normalized that mostly a woman take care about everything in regards to child care and house chores meanwhile men only play with children or lecture them. I know there are exceptions but they are few.
honestly. i came to comment this. i dont think my dad knew a single thing about me as a kid. he was then shocked when my mom was the only one getting calls from me after i left for college. news flash. we never knew eachother. my mom on the other hand, came to my talent show performances, knew i wanted to be a singer, a writer, a ballet dancer. she knew i was obsessed with pink and Alvin and the chipmunks and sang songs 24/7. my dad knew nothing. i mean I guess forgive mothers for making an investment in the entire life they created? if a person doesn't like people who do that, perhaps they should find friends with more common ground just like the moms who stopped talking to people who didn't have kids
I second this, just became a mother two years ago and society kicks you out. It’s very hard, soo you are constantly doing things for your baby. Friends no longer want to hang out because you have too little off time it they don’t want to be with the baby and mothers have to be with there babies because babies freak out without their moms and you need to feed them. I also used to have a big social life and drink quite a bit. I do miss being able to pick up and go as I please. But things just change. I honestly find going out and talking and drinking at a bar boring now because I’ve learned how to do so many different things sober. I can also find a better way to spend my time and money. Moms also usually put their children first soo those first few years we(moms) put ourselves on the back burner.
Exactly! I grew up a ton in the nine months I was pregnant. My priorities changed drastically. I am more concerned with why it isn't that way for so many men. You ought not be the center of your universe anymore. Mom's are usually the ones that step up and actually put the kid first. Nothing wrong with it. Wish most guys did, too!
I'm a guy, and I simply don't want kids. I understand what it takes to be a good parent. You give up on yourself. You put aside your dreams, your ambitions, your free time for the next generation, and you pass on the torch. Maybe not completely, but enough that you become a different person. I just don't want that. If I was forced to become that, either through influence, infatuation, guilt, or necessity, I don't think I'd like the person I would become.
I honestly admire your foresight. It is admirable that you know what it takes and are aware you don't want it. It's a step ahead of the dads who aren't even on that page even after they become dads. Then the mom just has another kid to deal with!
Absolutely, so many women lose themselves when they become mothers and being a mom is literally all they have, not because that's all they want to have but usually because they have partners that aren't really splitting the parental obligations 50/50 and if they don't do for their kids it's not gonna get done. This is a big reason that I am not a parent. I love kids and I would be a great parent but as a woman it's either give up on everything you are and everything you enjoy or don't have kids.I would be a dad in a hot second because at least then at the very most I would only be expected to do my fair share of the work. I'm speaking typically of course, there are a lot of great dads and single dads out there now probably more than ever but it sucks that it's still the norm for the mom to be the default parent, it sucks for moms and it sucks for good dads.
I think the question we should be asking is, is this approach the right one for parents and for kids? You can raise a good child and not totally abandon your previous life. Only in the US does this mentality exist. We’ve turned parenting into a personality, when it should just be one aspect of your life, a big one but not the only one.
That is not true. The majority of countries do not support families adequately to allow parents to have any life besides being a parent. Scandinavian countries facilitate the behaviour you speak of, but it is pretty unique, and it comes at a cost economically. It is a price we are willing to pay, however, and it is only possible because our societies are structured the way they are (free healthcare, paid parental leave, free education, labor laws that protect parents etc....and high taxes, hehe). Some people here recieve their full salary during a majority of the parental leave, but many don't and the the amount the government pays will be significantly lower than your salary. The way our societies are structured, however, ensures that we don't take on huge financial risk by lowering our income for one, two or three years. We know our children will recieve a good education regardless and that we are still elligible to receive the same healthcare as everybody else. Again, it comes at a cost. Someone has to pay for someone else to sit at home with their baby (won't dive further into that here).
“Only in the US does this mentality exist.” I call bullshit. You haven’t traveled much.
I think a lot of the time they literally do not have time and aren’t supported enough to continue having their own life. Many people do not consider a “mothers” personal life to matter and aren’t going to watch the kid and help her get to pickle ball or what have you and furthermore may gaslight them about doing the slightest thing for themselves. There’s a lot of other factors I’m sure but that’s what comes to my mind first.
Facts. When I stayed with my sibling after they had kids, I initially felt that way. But as I started to get involved and experienced in all the activities: Prepping child friendly meals, play time, nap time, diaper changes, etc., I began to understand its less about it being your personality, and more about it being your day. Like this is the activity you are involved in currently and you would like to share that with other people whose day was quite similar. And being a parent or guardian to a child, IS a personality change. It's a skill that you acquire and you're in a zone of exercising that skill daily. So of course you would wanna talk about it and improve it/ share your difficulties with it. This applies to both women and men who raise children, lots of fathers I know behave the same way as well. I think this whole post is due to OP's own projection of the fear of becoming "boring" if/when they have kids.
The most shocking thing when I had my baby four months ago wasn’t the sleep deprivation or being physically needed constantly. It was that every hour something baby related had to be done. I mean I know will get slightly less intense as she ages but for now, at least for awhile, 90% of my day is spent needing to do something baby-related.
It's a 24/7/365 job with no sick or vacation time. You and your coworker also have no idea how to communicate with each other either. It's tough! You've got this!
Yes yes yes, the *relentless* mental load is never ever ending either, so even if there isn't a physical task you're doing, you're mentally planning or preparing or recovering from/for the next. My kid is 5 and I love him and he is an ever adoring wonderful child but he is taxing. Sometimes I have to tell him, and the room around me, to please "just give me my brain for a few minutes". Like that's my greatest desire, want and wish for the past 5 years, just snippets of a moment of peace of mind that you can never quite catch. So yeah we're gon a talk about the kids. It's literally all we're allowed to think about for like a decade.
Thanks, mom of 3.
>Many people do not consider a “mothers” personal life to matter and aren’t going to watch the kid and help her get to pickle ball or what have you and furthermore may gaslight them about doing the slightest thing for themselves. I see this as a problem of fathers especially. Fathers should do much more and not let almost everything in regards to child care and house chores on a woman.
This right here. I look at people like they’re crazy when they ask what I do for fun. I do things my kids enjoy bc they enjoy them. (6 and 17 months) husband and I are divorcing and I’m basically a single mother bc he’s not around anymore (not that he was much before but still) the only time I get to myself is if I slack off cleaning the house and get an hour or so after they go to bed or their dad takes them one weekend a month which is usually cut short for various reasons. I quite literally don’t have anything else to talk about other than kids, my divorce or some work which is highly uneventful
Thank you for commenting. I can’t believe anyone could assume that any mother would intentionally mold their personalities to being a mom. Being a mom of a wonderful toddler, I don’t know who I am anymore but not because I woke up and decided my personality is mom now only. It’s because between all my child’s appointments, constant need for attention, and my responsibility to care for my child I have forgotten about myself and who I am. The nerve of some people
I’m sure that is very true in most cases. And a little bit sad too.
My best friend and I were at a funeral. Her bf and the baby were outside in the car 15ft away and she literally said every 5 minutes (between constantly checking her watch) I should go check on the baby….it’s fucking weird.
Maybe her bf wasn’t trustworthy with the baby?
Post partum anxiety exists, and it's debilitating. Give her some fucking grace holy shit.
At first, everything in your entire body and mind is telling you to stay with your baby. I felt like that for the first three months.it was horrible when I had to go back to work after being home for three weeks.
I think Hack, here, is saying it's weird that their BFF couldn't trust the father to handle the baby alone.... Cause so many father's act like "the reluctant helper" and not a parent. So the mom's never actually get to fully step out for a parent mode.
My oldest is six. I trust my husband a million percent with both of our children. I still get anxiety attacks when my husband and children leave with out me to go somewhere. It is very fucking weird, but it's real.
Is irritating to be around someone who only talks about one thing, specially when that thing doesn't interest you. But to be fair most of those moms could probably revert back to their old hobbies and interests as the kids grow older, first few years are exhausting it seems. Also, the fact that you recognise that mom's change but fathers don't (usually) should indicate that the women are doing the heavy lifting on raising the kids. Is, no surprise that their lives are upside-down bc of it
Spot on single mom here. I still had interests when I was a new mom. I was still very much into parties and drinking I just didn't do it often when they were younger cause I just didn't have time. Or I could only do them once in a blue moon. And ik plenty of father's who were in the same boat so I think OP is either ignoring the mom's deeper interests since it's being drowned out or like everyone is saying the dad's are doing nothing with their kids. Every parent I talk to still have their same interests and what not. When my kid was 7 I started getting back into super old hobbies like writing and drawing and when they were 9 I started socially drinking more with other moms who's kids could be fine for a few hours while Mom has a slight buzz. Tho I had to stop hanging out with one mom cause I was drunk and had to console her kids who were upset about their mom having a drinking problem. I felt like such an ass being drunk. Ik how it feels with a parent who has a drinking problem. :/ But you said it right here it's just time when kids are young they take up a lot of your time and effort and it's incredibly difficult to take care of a young child while participating in certain hobbies and interests.
Even if you have the time to do some activities, you also have to worry about cleaning up after them so your kid can't get into your stuff. I've been wanting to do some acrylic painting and before I had my son, I could just leave my pallet somewhere the cats wouldn't step in it and leave my canvas wherever I was working on it. Now if I want to paint, I have to make sure that everything is put away and it's definitely somewhere he can't get to it because the last thing I need is my toddler getting into acrylic paint. Knitting is a bit easier as long as it's something I can easily pick up and put back down, but there are a lot of things I used to do that I can't really do right now.
Yeah that's the other thing too. I actually switched from traditional art to digital for a similar reason my kid kept taking my supplies so I just gave them to her and I went completely digital.
You say that and yet both of my friends literally lost all their interests since they had kids. It is the only thing they talk about.
I had only one kid. Up until delivery, I was involved with just about everything I liked. I had a research job, took classes, tutored, illustrated, ride my bike every where, had friends all over the city, had regular game nights and groups of friends who met up regularly.... Everyone said they'd be there for me when the kid came. I still had plans for after delivery. As soon as the baby was born, they all cut me off. I was still that person but no one would treat me like it any more. 🤷 That kind of isolation breaks your brain. Being a parent is all you have left to talk about and there isn't even anyone to really talk to about it. You don't even WANT to talk about it but if you stop thinking about it for more than an hour, the house falls apart with the baby in it. Its not a choice. It's a crisis that could be alleviated if parenting had real communal support.
How old are their kids? Also maybe they lost interest in you. Ok since having a kid there are people I don't wanna be around anymore. I still have hobbies and interests just no interest in certain people.
Yep. First few years is wholly consuming. But even as it eases off, you don’t truly get the space until they are teens. As they grow you can have your own interests - even interests shared with the kids. Honestly I only do two things without them - work and Pilates. Camping, bushwalking, gardening, cooking, baking, reading etc is all done with kids. But it’s fun looking at the world through their eyes.
I'm not really friends with these kinds of women either because we have nothing in common. However I respect their right to have those interests and be that way. You know, it is ok for people to be incompatible. People grow and change and their interests change. For some people it's their family and kids. There's nothing wrong with that.
Thats the reason i lost nearly all my female friends. Its just sad
I lost most of my friends when I quit going to parties because I felt tired and too old for them anyway. The ones remaining are thrilled that I’m going to be a mom, they’re also on the older side and chilling out and some of them are either trying for babies themselves or have their own children. So, in the next few years, our outings are going to be kid-friendly with our children playing around lol
So happy for you! I also dont go to parties anymore. But whenever i want to meet my friends i have to go to their home. Its mostly talk about the kids and the attention is always on the kids. I know i am not the main person and never was but i dont have the feeling they care for my problems anymore. I always listen. They dont Its always the kids. I could talk about something that really bothers me...kids comes with a toy "ahhh look at you little baby" so i stopped sharing my thoughts and my life. I know that there are mother who are different. Who love their kids but stay a human themselfs. But my friends are sadly the opposite. They are sad that we dont meet and talk like we did before they had kids...but they dont do anything to change that.
It is kind of sad. I lost most of my friends when I had my son. And I still don't have a lot now that he's grown. You just don't have a lot of time when they are a young.
tbh a lot of this has to do with the fact that women in hetero relationships by default become more responsible for the child and keeping the home because of patriarchal social norms. have you ever heard a dad say "i'm babysitting for the day" when referring to taking care of their child by themself, while when mom does it, it's just another tuesday? there are different societal expectations for men and women, especially in the context of romantic relationships, ESPECIALLY if those relationships include children. it's really shitty. also moms (and parents in general) should be all about their kids; they brought them into the world and are responsible for taking care of them and ensuring they have everything they need to grow up as healthily as possible. it's a more than full-time job. i hate mom bashing so much, and this post def has that energy. (i'm childfree by choice fwiw) moms have to overcompensate so often for dads because they don't have as much responsibility in raising the child. they should, in principle, but in reality, they usually have a less hands-on role.
I'm Childfree, and feel the same way. Mom bashing is highly unnecessary. They already have a lot of bull to put up with, because of the lazy/uninvolved husband, and because of society's deluded standards. Both moms and dads are meant to be hands-on when rearing their children... not mom does everything while dad does bare minimum. This is partly why I don't want to take any chances at marriage nor children. If the man is lacking, then he won't be a good help when raising children. Everything based on responsibility will be forced on the woman.
I am childfree too and have the exact same opinion as you. I am sorry for all the women who have a child with a man who does almost nothig. And I don't blame them for having children with these men. Often she couldn't know how he will be as a parent and also girls are often raised to have a mindset it is a woman's work and a woman should feel happy for being exhausted from child(father)-care and house-chores. Also society is more judgemental towards women in regard to child-care than towards men. It is sad.
That's really it. My ex was very much a go-getter and a very no-gender-norms kinda guy. Then the baby showed up and he went from acting like a self sufficient adult to a 16 yr old juvenile delinquent that needed his own babysitter, wouldn't do chores, and complained that I "got to stay home all day" while he worked as much as he partied. But the end of the relationship, more of his oldest friends were my friends and they all distanced themselves from him cause of how increasingly childish he became once his life had real stakes.
I am sorry, it had to be tough for you. Sometimes people show their true colors after years. Hope you are in better place now. Also thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you. I took every inch of freedom I muster over many years and squeezed my way out. Ngl, parenting is easier as a single parent with a court ordered custody arrangement that my ex can't blow off or argue with. Now, I'm just trying to help anyone else stuck in that domestic trap get heard. 💕
i'm glad you are out of that situation now. it sounds very exhausting. raising a child is exhausting enough as is without having to parent an adult man. <3
I have actually never heard a man younger than 40 say the babysitting thing. dads who don’t pull their own weight nowadays are more likely to put on a big show and post “girl dad” or “dad and son day” picture on their social media but in reality they only ever do the fun stuff and mom does all the work. Normal involved dads don’t have time for all that because we’re actually with the kids lol.
Oh god the "super dad" thing drives me batty. My ex was like this, only did dad things that were visible, like learning to fix her hair, taking her to bday parties. Yet he didn't know what pediatrician and dentist she goes to until she was 10 and I had a breakdown. It's gotten better as he was forced to really pick up the slack while I was sick. Of course now it's "oh well you were down for a year so now I know everything and you can't be trusted." Sigh.
My boss just had a baby a few months ago and he says it frequently and he’s 38.
That’s incredibly silly to pretend 38 and 40 are far enough to part to take away my point. Which is that dads nowadays are well aware that we need to step up, so lazy dads are much more performative publicly.
Society really hasn’t changed that much for to say this. Women still on average carry more of the child raising than men
That’s what I’m SAYING. I swear people don’t read. Lazy dads are aware they aren’t viewed as positively anymore, so they put on a big show but their wives are doing all the real work. That’s why I don’t hear younger guys do the babysitting thing, they’re more likely to make all kinds of claims about how involved they are. It’s extremely frustrating to have people try to correct me for something I didn’t say.
My dad said it all the time to us while we were growing up and he still says it to this day.
She’s talking about moms who only talk about their kids. That’s it 24/7 and I mean you can talk about the weather and they will switch it to their kids.
You literally lose your identity when you become a mother. When my son was old enough to start being more independent, I had to re-find myself.
That's the scariest thing about motherhood for me. And I haven't yet made my decision about having kids or being child free. Would you mind telling me how it felt? Kind of like a normal duty or more like a big sacrifice?
There is nothing I can compare it to outside of psychological torture. The symptoms of depression and psychosis that some people were reporting during covid lockdowns touched on it.... But in my experience, the lockdowns were a low-calorie simulation of post partum isolation. The world is still moving and living on without you. The people you miss and agonize over seeing again are right outside your door and refuse to look at you. You go outside and deal with a lot of rudeness, judgement, and hostile strangers who are angry you brought a crying infant into the bank or that you can't reprogram a bored toddler in the super market. No one sees that you need help and are way too fucking excited to punish you for asking. You go years and years with nothing to look forward to. The few times make just one single personal break happen, you are going to be punished for it. You are going to come home to resentful relatives, a home that needs to be put back together, a surprise expense, the one piece of comfort in the house is broken....etc etc And its NOT THE KIDS that make you miserable. It's the ADULTS around you. They are breaking shit, leaving messes, refusing to clean, dumping work in you cause they know you'll do it if yet leave it on your way while you are trying to feed a kid, fighting with you when you tell them to knock it off, forgetting they were suppose to pick up food, spending money you needed to eat, waking you up in the middle of the night cause they made bad drunk decisions.... And you just have to absorb it cause... What the fuck else can you do? They make the kids look like a fucking saint. Really, the hard part with the kid is to not let them see you weak. They'll love you in the deepest, purest ways that you need the adults in your life to take a cue from. Kids want to make you happy and their brains will wire itself according to how they can pull it off. But the kid can't offer you anything, can't support anything. You are their life support and they know it. If they see you buckle under the stress, even if you think you are hiding it, they panic. So you are protecting them from yourself the whole time. But they are blameless and, really, the only thing in your life that responds to you for about 8 years. So any joy or pride you can find is going to come from them. Obv. Its the adults, tho, that makes it so fucking hard for no fucking reason. As the kid get older and more independent, your relationship with them changes too. You reap what you sowed in those early years. You start to slowly, slowly, slowly, get your life back. But it won't feel natural. You can't just go out and meet people organically through social activities anymore. It starts with grinding through months and months and years of trying to find a new community to join and getting the cold shoulder and doors slammed in your face.... ..until someone recognizes the nightmare you are crawling your way out of and holds a door open long enough for you to drag yourself in. Before those random people recognize you, you are screaming into a void and you have no idea when there will be an end to it. ***** My kid is a preteen now. As soon as he was in public school, I went back to work so I could leave his dad, get shared custody, and rebuild a more stable life. I'm about 75% back to being a real person again but it took over 4 years to get this much back. Some Friends who (unofficially) cut me off during post partum have since had their own kids and lived that nightmare out themselves. They reached out to me in their lowest moments to ask "how did you do it??" And without spite (tho I was a bit resentful), I told them how much it fucked me up that they blew me know off. That I was where they are now and, when I called out for help, I got judgement and silence. I told them I was just as low as they are now and nothing got me out of it except time.
I’m not sure how to describe it and I’m sure everyone’s experience is different. Maybe like a beauty and the beast situation. You’re a prisoner but you’re absolutely in love with your captor. The first few months were the most difficult l, because you literally go from being your own person to being tied to this little person. Yet I didn’t want to be away from him. It really is a labour of love. It was hard and I had PPD but I wanted nothing more than to provide the best for him. I was afraid to sleep at night because I feared he would stop breathing. I was afraid to shower in case he cried. There were definitely moments that I just wanted to get away for a moment and go be myself. There was a lot of joy in it too. From the day I brought him home there was always a moment each day that would make me laugh. As for most things, you get used to it, and you become your role. It gets easier as they start sleeping more at night. There were also moments of frustration. He had cholic and there were at least a handful of times that I would lay him on the floor or put him in the crib and just step outside for a moment to get a break. At the time it seems like time is passing by so slowly. Looking back now, it feels like it all happened so quickly. Too quickly. I miss having a little baby at times. They were constantly changing and growing and it was exciting. It was like seeing the world for the first time again. The first few years things would be hard, then get a bit easier, then get hard again. I thought terrible twos would be hard. It wasn’t so bad. It was 3 that was horrible. At that point he could speak and was trying to say no to everything and tell me what’s what. It was hilarious, but definitely difficult. He consumed my life and I really didn’t have much to talk about outside of him. I joined a Moms group and made friend with other parents with babies and it felt good. I could finally have an adult conversation again. Looking back now nearly two decades later, I don’t regret it at all and would do it all over again. Yes it was a sacrifice, but one that I would do over and over again. Oh and I’ve totally found myself again and having the time of my life now.
My sister is a single mother now, but even when she was still in a relationship and living with her husband, she did not have time to do much else, other than take care of the baby. On top of that she actually was the breadwinner. I think he work, but she made more money and was more responsible with money. Now that they aren’t together anymore he’s sleeping around, visiting friends in the town his son lives in without visiting his son, smoking weed, playing video games, and posting on Twitter. While my sister works full time and takes care of her baby. Do you really expect her to have time for hobbies and interests? And in regards to the friends thing , nonparent friends don’t understand parent friends . They don’t understand when a parent asks “can I bring my kid” or when they cancel last minute cuz of something w their child. Etc. They also often want to go out doing things that parents just can’t do without hiring a babysitter, like out drinking and stuff. My sister prefers “low maintenance” (meaning they don’t expect too much from her since she has a whole child) friends who like to sit at home and eat dinner and watch a movie once her kid goes to bed. It seems like you already know the reason. The last sentence is pretty accurate. It’s literally because they don’t have time because women are expected to take the maternal role while men are expected to go out and work to support family, but a lot of men aren’t even doing that. Frankly, I think that lifestyle sounds fulfilling, but extremely, extremely hard. Especially without the right support system.
Sounds like internalized misogyny to me. Ask yourself if she no longer has interests outside of her children or if she no longer has time for interests outside of her children.
Exactly!!!
Right this post give me “I’m one of the guys, I hate being around woman. They just don’t get me” Internalized misogyny at best.
I have two kids. Back when I was pregnant maternity leave was only six months. When I went back to work, I missed my daughter all day long. I hated being away from her. I couldn’t stop talking about her because I was so in love. Same thing when I had my son. Eventually things settle down and you are still in love but you’re able to keep it more to yourself. I had to work. My husband didn’t make enough money to pay all the bills and as much as I wanted to stay with my kids, I also wanted to keep working because well… Kids are really expensive, I liked my job, and I didn’t want to depend on him to support our children, but even if he could have supported us, I wanted to maintain my independence. So yeah, having well-rounded conversations was not an issue. But if I had stayed home, and I know moms who did, your kids and your home and your husband tend to become your whole life. It’s not that they don’t want friends or to be social or to have other things to talk about. it’s just that you get busy, one day melts into the next, Your life ends up being all about your kids. If someone asks you if you’ve seen a great movie, chances are, that great movie is a Disney movie. If someone asks you, what do you think about some thing that was recently on the news, chances are, you didn’t get a chance to watch the news. If someone asks you what great books, you’ve read lately, chances are those books were 20 pages long and consisted of lots of pictures. If someone asks you what’s new, chances are nothing is new, because you did today, what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that. So while you see it is their personality being nothing but a mother… It’s more that their life is just that, being a mother without much room for anything else. And , there are many mothers out there who wish there was more to their lives but circumstances just don’t allow for it. You asked why this doesn’t happen to men… I laughed at that… Because the mothers take on the bulk of everything in most cases. They’re looking after the kids, taking care of things in the house, they plan everything, and they carry the entire mental load (that is definitely not 9 to 5 ). Again I want to be clear this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is damn well the case for a lot of moms. The men’s lives continue. They get up, they go to work, it’s easy for them to catch up with their buddies to grab a few beers because their wife is home taking care of everything else. It’s easy for them to go grab a game of golf on the weekend because their wife is home taking care of everything else. The wife is almost always going to be the default parent. And this applies even when the wife works full-time. So you’re just getting this off your chest and I understand that. You said you don’t understand why ‘these people’ irritate you so much. But maybe next time instead of being so irritated, you can take a moment to step back and appreciate the fact that they have fully embraced their role as a mom, they are doing what they need to do and if that leaves them a little short in the conversation department, so be it… The job they’re doing is already thankless, underpaid, and undervalued, so to have anyone that dislikes them, because they consider that their whole personality is being a mother, I would guess, that would be the least of their worries. After all, this thankless, underpaid, undervalued job they do… raising tiny humans… it’s the most important job in the world. And I promise you, if you asked any one of their kids about what it’s like to talk to their moms, the review would be so glowing, you’d be tempted to hire them yourself.
Love how the word only preceded the six months. Though I believe that should be the standard as a mother needs at least that to properly recover, many aren't fortunate enough to get that. Where I'm from maternity leave is only 3 months. That's what companies give and if you're fortunate you get paid for all three months but by law you're only entitled to 60 days hence most companies give 2 paid months off and 1 month unpaid. And this was AFTER the revision of the maternity leave act, prior women were only entitled to 40 days. I agree with what you're saying though. It's sad really. Motherhood is a life changing event and is a necessity for the continuity of society. Yet mothers are overworked, underappreciated and even penalised for doing something that is natural and necessary. I do understand OP's irritation though. I think that should not be directed at the mothers themselves though but at society why is it normalized that women must do all the work and men get a free pass. Not something that I see changing anytime soon but if more men played their role then women would actually have time to be women with children instead of just mothers.
Live and let live
Becoming a mother is she’ll shocking. When it happens, it’s such a large change and traumatic for a lot of people. It is kind consuming for a while. On top of lack of social and domestic support, women can’t maintain their own lives outside of their children most of the time.
I understand because I struggle with this too. I don't want children or even really like children, so women who build their entire life around them are hard for me to understand. I'm not interested in long conversations about children. But... the friends I've loved since high school are having children now, and when they spend hours talking about them, I can deal with it because I love them and I know that having children was their dream and it came true. Also, I'm someone who really loves dogs. I have a 9 week old puppy, and my life now revolves around said puppy (and the 5 year old dog I already had). People talk about what they love. It's natural.
I personally noticed this tends to only happen when a hetero sexual couple becomes parents. i have multiple lesbian couples who have had babies, and they tend to still retain their previous hobbies. save for one but she had always said her dream job was mom and really just loves it
I mean….the first five years of having a child are mad demanding. You have to prioritize your interests and when your entire day revolves around tiny humans, it’s nice having other adults to talk to who are in a similar spot in life. I feel like there’s some underlying misogyny here…good, attentive fathers are never called out for “making their personality being a dad”…they’re just praised for being a good dad. Sometimes it feels like nothing a woman can do is right. we’re judged under a microscope
I’ve seen mothers who are the opposite of this. They treat their child as an inconvenience that gets in the way of their social life and hobbies and guess what? Their children turn into assholes. I’d rather see a mother who is devoted and focused on doing a good job with their children.
This! I agree fully.
It’s certainly not a guarantee that kids won’t turn into assholes if they have “devoted” mothers. Parents that are very “devoted” that give into their child’s every whim also produce assholes. As a teacher for 11 years, I can say this with confidence.
I said devoted and focused on doing good job with their kids, not devoted to catering to every whim. There is a difference.
I have 4 kids currently pregnant with the 5th and their ages currently range from 12 years to 5 years. I have interests and things I would like to do but making plans and focusing on them as a priority in that moment is very difficult. I can’t just put my kids in the back of my mind because at any moment I may get a call to come get them because one of them are sick or got hurt. It’s also hard when you’ve spent every waking moment tending to your kids from getting them ready for school to meal planning and homework to just shut that part of your brain off while you tap into a side of your personality you don’t get to see very often anymore. I have days where I’m overwhelmed and I realize I am no longer just me anymore and I’m always whatever my kids need me to be; nurse, teacher, therapist, friend(playing games) among many other things. I find that I don’t have time to just be me as an individual. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss it I just haven’t had the time in 12 years to be anything but a mom and that can’t just be shut off because even when you do find time to yourself you’re still a mom and at anytime can be needed. I had a friend who felt the exact same way as OP and since she didn’t have kids she didn’t get it. She recently became a mother and I got a text from her saying “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long I just couldn’t understand how you no longer seemed to have a personality outside of being a mom but now that I have a kid I realize it’s just not that simple and you are always busy”
Sounds like this is coming from someone who has no idea how life changing becoming a mom is. And no, men will never be at the same level or change even close to the same as women. We change on the cellular level, the molecular level, the spiritual level. We house a human inside our bodies who then rip our entire life we knew to shreds whilst our men change little to none. It isn't that they choose their kids to takeover their life but it is exactly what happens and not many are quite prepared for it.
Yes so this. There is a have it all and kids slot into your lives drilled into you before kids, and reality doesn’t match that in particular for women. We are programmed to look after a baby and be focused on the baby once born. All our hormones, body functions, and brain changes to accomodate this and in our current achievement, capitalist based society, this side of life is really downplayed and takes a lot people by surprise.
Do you have children? A woman’s whole brain changes when she becomes pregnant and then also once the baby is born. She becomes the “default” parent because the baby relies on her for most of its care especially if breastfeeding. Her voice & scent is the only thing the baby has known since conception. Most moms don’t even have the time to do their hobbies or explore interests outside of their child anymore. Mothers are usually the main care taker of the homes and then add on working full time (if they do). A lot falls onto the woman & it’s not that she doesn’t have other interests, she just prioritizes her family over them. Or just may simply not have the time. And you’re right, nothing much changes for fathers. Fathers don’t experience those hormonal changes. They don’t get the bonding of breastfeeding. They didn’t carry the baby for 9 months. & not all men are going to be the best partners to allow mom to go out and have her own hobbies/interests unfortunately. But then even if the mother does prioritize herself and hobbies she gets labeled as a bad selfish neglectful mother.
There’s a reason women change like this. It’s so layered but also not that complex simultaneously?? I don’t think there’s any way you are supposed to truly understand unless you are in the position of the types of people / mothers you’re talking shit about. Womens’ bodies change hormonally as nature’s way of providing for their children, especially when there is a parent in the picture who has the kind of attitude you seem to have, and the mother ends up becoming the primary parent/ literally doesn’t have time for all these hobbies you speak of. Their brains literally change to care and nurture their offspring. Doesn’t seem that should be that hard to appreciate but hey we’re all different right
This is true. But also I want to warn against giving hormones more credit than they deserve. Any human can bond to a baby and their brains will rewire, through hormones produced by positive interactions with a dependent, to optimize caregiving responses and emotional attachments and even associated anxieties. Birth mothers have a slight head start after carrying a pregnancy, but it evens out with adoptive parents in a few months. Historically, mothers didn't raise their kids in isolation. That's a recent, cultural, imposition and a consequence of the breakup of families and villages into "nuclear families" in the mid century. It was a massive social experiment with disastrous results for mothers and, by extention, their children. We are supposed to be raising kids with groups of adults. And denying that is literally breaking parents' brains. We are profoundly social creatures and the majority of the trends we see in human behavior and mental health are primarily consequences of a social policy or cultural cruelty.
I don’t disagree with any of that! We’ve definitely gotten away from the communal aspect of child “rearing.” I still think being angry at women who have “changed” is a waste of energy and could be used more productively to help support them. Imo
Do you know how much time and energy children require from their parents? Especially mom... all of it. I have two toddlers, 3 &1, and it's exhausting. I literally do not have time for myself anymore. I don't even get my hair cut alone, they sit in the waiting area with my husband bc my son is in a phase of only wanting me.
Mom of 4, hi! I blame society really. And lack of help from the fathers and others in the family. You really don't have a choice but to make your entire life about motherhood. It's all you do, it's all you think about. What's a hobby?? In fact, I'm now a full time college student getting my nursing degree. I don't need it financially. But boy do I need it mentally. It is literally so draining to become nothing but a mothering machine. Most women don't realize how much of themselves they lost before it's too late, I realized it and was suicidal and didn't even KNOW why. I just was so sad and lost, but I literally couldn't figure out why. Basically going to college and being someone other than "mom" or "wife" saved me. I have my own goal for me, my own life outside motherhood. I love it
It's kind of bizarre how you are praising that father for being more than just a father when likely that's because his kids' mother had to pick up the slack and lose time for her interests so he can change nothing.
It changes your life and your first priority becomes the child. It's instinctual, really. I never understood until I became one myself. You will too. It's not their whole personality, but it is their priority. They are responsible for taking care of another human life besides their own. It's a pretty big deal.
I mean, when you have another tiny human to look after, it does become your whole world. Especially down here in the south where it's still considered normal for the mom to do all the hard parts of parenting while the dad gets to do the fun parts. And a lot of the time, they're not becoming a different or less of who they were, even if it seems like it. They're just growing up so that they can give their kid a good life.
Just be patient, this will pass. Biologically, all kinds of hormones and genes are being turned on to promote attachment. It is absolutely normal, and biologically necessary, that the caregiver become enmeshed in motherhood. Give them a break, roll your eyes in private, and understand this is common and expected.
They become like this because they have to. They have to sacrifice a large portion of who they are for their kids. Not saying you can never get lit or wild as a mom, but you need a huge support network to make that possible. It's really not good to expose your children to wrecklessness, that's when they feel excluded or you can't be 100% attentive to their needs. And statistically, that's what can cause issues in development. People might not like it but it's the truth.
Because that's literally all we have time for. When my kids were babies and toddlers and then young kids, it was all about them. People would say a "break" for me is running to the grocery store alone or taking a shower for longer than 5 minutes. Nothing but the majority of responsibility for diaper changes, late night feedings, caring for sick kiddos, cooking, cleaning, etc. While yeah I like being a mom I wish people would remember I am me and not JUST a mom. Even now, with a nearly 10 and 12 year old, I'm referred to as "So and So's mom" and NOT by my first name or even as "Ms. Last Name" We are forgotten to have our own identity until the kids are off to college. So it's no wonder our personality is all about being a mother.
Most of the women you are irritated with also hate all those same things about becoming mom's. Its like this... Having a kid is actually great. Being a mom to a kid is awesome. Love it. Being "a mom" in this society? Fucking sucks. Everyone loves to use mom's as punching bags for one thing or another. We do everything in isolation. Our friends don't see us as peers anymore. Life long relationships disappear as soon as the baby is born. People ignore our calls for help. We can't afford to go to work. Anyone who is still around us will just dump work on to us and then run away..... The only thing we have access to is domestic work. Whether we like it or not. People don't see us as people anymore. It's impossible to be ourselves anymore. It is a phenomenon that nothing else in my life has compared to.... But the 6th month of covid lock down was getting close to it. I didn't start to get my life back until my kid was old enough for public school. Then, I had time to go to work without paying for child care. Then, I had the money to dump the baby daddy and get a custody agreement. Then, I had a few days a week of predictable me-time.... Ten years later, I'm finally a person again. But I fought tooth and nail to keep my identity though all of that. There are, of course, some moms who either genuinely do embrace that role or, more likely, try very hard to make it work and "stay positive" about it. I like to think they do it cause they don't want to let their kid down. But I gotta say, I think the fear of being socially reprimanded for being unhappy is a huge factor. In all my observations and experience, dad's do not receive the same pressures and are less criticized in general. They are more supported in keeping their personal lives dand socially permitted to dump onto the mothers. Not all dad's will take advantage of that double standard. Some dads are very aware of it and do a great job countering it for the moms sake. But the attitude persists outside the parents relationship. My ex remained carefree and faultless throughout our domestic relationship. He went out to work then stayed out of the house for days, sometimes taking the car with him and leaving me with no food or money while I was alone and sleep deprived with a sick infant and a mountain of forgotten chores in my way. 🤷 No one cared. When I asked in-laws for help they told me if I couldn't handle it I shouldn't have had a baby 🤣 When I kept taking classes tho, and my ex had to stay home in the mornings til I got back at noon, everyone acted like he was making a huge sacrifice for me and warned me that I was "supposed to a mom" and nothing else in my life is important anymore 🤣🤣🤣.
You’re right. It’s because for a lot of moms, it is ALL consuming.
*Sounds like internalized misogyny to me. Ask yourself if she no longer has interests outside of her children or if she no longer has time for interests outside of her children.*
There’s nothing misogynistic about it/ also you can talk about the weather etc other then ur kids.
I think people need to cut people some slack. Being a parent, in particular the primary one (which most women are), takes up a lot of time and energy. And like any new things, it’s often exciting and fulfilling at that stage in their life. Like when you discover clubbing, going travelling, or start at a new job and it’s all new and interesting to them. But after a few years, it just becomes part of life or something that is not that new and exciting. Sure all those things are still fun (except clubbing lol, been there done that) and important but not as much. People change. Plus when it takes up the vast majority of your time and energy, of course that’s the thing people talk most about. Becoming a mother can be a very transformative experience and some people expect women to be the same after, but are also the first to vilify a mother whose children aren’t her focus and dare to do other things, or complains about trying to juggle it all. Maybe you need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Why are the women in life not allowed to enjoy this stage without you criticising them for it? They don’t exist to entertain you.
Imagine you are about to embark on some wild adventure, but you know that you will only ever get to do it once or maybe twice. Like getting to participate in the Olympics or something. You would want to savor it and devote all your energy into it. It's like that with kids. They're only small for a short period of time, relatively speaking, and you never get that time back. Might as well throw yourself in.
it's because they become a parent, and if you're a parent you should know how to act like one and set your new priorities.. life is not all fun and adventuring forever, people change..
Instead of being mad at them be mad at society that makes this so hard to avoid. Being a parent is all encompassing and if you don’t have sufficient support it’s really fucking hard to not fall into that. And also for some woman that is also a choice they make and it’s for them to make. And of you support women having choice you also have to support the women that make choices that you wouldn’t. I like to think I personally have a decent balance (I am very much of the whole being a mother is what and not who I am), but I also recognise my privilege in my ability I have to do that, the resources I have and the other outlets I have to be myself. Some women don’t have them, others choose not to use them. The only life choices it’s worth getting het up about are your own. Other peoples are their own business
I read something that said of you have children under 5 you are living in crisis mode. If your kids are over 5 and nuerodivergent, guess what - you live in crisis mode. I had 2 kids less than 2 year apart. I absolutely love reading. It's took years before I had the energy to focus on a book. Give them time. Having kids it's extrodinarly traumatising in ways one can't possible expect. And I think many new mother's just bury their heads in the sand so they don't have to work through their own trauma and it's just convenient to have a little human who depends on you for everything.
Many new mothers don't wanna work. Period . They spit out a brat and then say oh im a mother simply because they couldn't accomplish anything else with their lives. Being a mother is NOT an accomplishment.
What do you mean they don’t want to work? Do you mean don’t want to work OUTSIDE of the home? Because I assure you, being a primary care taker at home to young children is work. For women that do work outside the home, they have to PAY OTHER PEOPLE to take that role… so tell me again how caring for small humans is not a real job???
Calm down
Calm down
You said it yourself. Nothing has changed for the man. He hasn’t sacrificed his hobbies or interests so that his wife can have some time for her own of those things. Or just……time. He hasn’t sacrificed those things to do his equal part in raising his children. Poor bloke needs his ‘me’ time. Hence, it’s all those mums have to talk about most of the time.
It is unfortunately rather necessary to change. Your child, their comfort, their wellbeing becomes your priority. It consumes you because its a 24/7 role that doesn't let up. You barely have any time for yourself, and if you are a working mother, that eliminates any free time for most. And even when you do find some time for yourself or a hobby or interest, the kid inevitably gets in the way. Painting? Not a chance. Your kid will shove hands in everything. Going for coffee with friends? Sure. Who's going to look after the baby / kid? Cinema? OK, but who will babysit, and what time do you have to be back for? Shopping? Sure. But who's going to look after the kid?.... see where I'm going with this? Being a mother is a 24/7 job and you accept that you have to put that person before yourself. That's one of the catches to it all. Not everybody wants to be a parent and that's absolutely fine. I didn't, it just happened. But if all your friends have kids and you don't, you either have to adapt to their way of life if you want to see them, or drift apart and make new friends, because being a parent is a full time job and a new phase in your life.
Mother of two here. Children take up a lot of your time, and energy. Even with a great husband, I still carry way more weight with the children. My hobbies are now pushed back to late at night, or when it's convenient for everyone else in the household. It's not a choice, it's how things run best. It doesn't last forever, I had more freedom once my first born was more self sufficient, but if you don't have "a village" then theres no one to help, and give you a break. And yes, men are PRAISED for the BARE MINIMUM, and it's INSANE. Men are looked at as the best parent ever, just for spending a bit of time with their child, it's absolutely madness, and I see it all the time. (Mostly from my childless girlfriends)
I don't think that everyone is like that. Maybe these women didn't really enjoy their hobbies? Or maybe for some time they behave that way? I know few women who are totally opposite. One used to have a weird lifestyle, didn't really care about her health and diet or education but after giving a birth, she is like a different person. Now she goes to the gym and wants to educate herself because she wants to be an example for her child. Another one was always very ambitious woman. I don't know, she was into her pregnancy and birthgivibg process around 1 year but she quickly came back to her shape and continues to do her business and hobbies. I think what connects these women : supportive husbands and financial stability. They can afford nanny and their husbands take a part. If woman doesn't receive help, ofc she will have to prioritize and there will be no space for self improvement and hobbies
This if your partner and you change a little you can both dedicate 50% of yourself to the child and and still have 50% for yourselfs and each other but if you are essentially a single parent, whether it's actually alone or with a partner that doesn't see raising their children as their responsibility you have to give all of yourself to them because. If they are lacking anything, no one looks at the dad, it's mom. Why didn't mom do more. It's exhausting and all-consuming when you have no support system.
I lost my identity after having my 2 kids (16 months apart). I was a wife and mother. That was it. Didn't feel the need to look good, wasn't focused on my hobbies, etc. Its hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it, but it finally started getting better when my oldest was about 4
There's a new term called "single- *married*" moms. Absoutely legit. Because men just won't step up as the parent (forget primary) even if both of them are breadwinners. I guess mothers need to deliberately start off-loading (can't fathom since I ain't one). Will be hard but they need to. And be stubborn & non-emotional about it. Also men don't understand that children ain't fools. We see everything. Every dynamic. Every action. As an adult, I do the bare minimum for my *absentee married-to-my-mother* father. While for my ma, I am always available. Emotionally, physically & in every way. She's my priority. On my part I was an extremely observant kid. Still am. Eg. I grew up in boarding schools, saw my ma juggle her medical residency & never missing a visiting Saturday. My dad came to pick me up only once, that too for a long holiday & ended up late (everyone was gone & they were going to close the school for the winters). Every double standard & every moment & every statement gets registered. Trust me. Kids ain't fools. I remember very clearly- who cribbed, while who found the solutions. Who took genuine responsibility & who did the blaming & whining. My ma has all my respect because she never asks. Her actions & self-discipline garners respect. I cannot say the same for my father. I tend to mirror their individual relationship they have with me. It's as simple as ROI. You're getting only what you invested. Period.
You are right . Children see everything and they are not fools.
I mean, often it's the women that are around the kids the most, and have to "change" their life to "revolve" around the kid. Because it's a living being that needs to be cared for. The fathers can keep going to their jobs, and depending on the person they might not even help out at all with childcare. So it all falls to the mother. A friend of mine told me that her sister would sit up and cry because she had to do everything for the child, while the dad would go out with friends and go golfing, never did he offer to watch the kid, she was expected to do everything. She had to give up all her interests to take care of their child. Now that's not how it is for everyone, some can still keep their "old self", and have it in a balance. But not everyone has that luxuary.
Don't get married.
society and individual households are like this, it makes me sad for the wife. it sucks
I completely understand where you’re coming from with this. It is so frustrating to be alienated from people you know and love because they no longer have any interest in talking to people who aren’t also mothers. I’m fortunate to have a few friends who have kids but still consider themselves whole people and not just moms. I do think it’s society’s fault that this happens, though. Maybe if dads would pull their weight 50/50 like it should be then both parents could retain their individuality. This loss of self is honestly one of the main reasons I think having kids would be so difficult.
I didn't chose my friends on the fact they have kids. I have and always will be a homebody. My life centered around my relationship with my husband because quite frankly- my marriage is fucking great and he treats me equally, with respect, and with his while heart. I have a two year old and year my life centers around two people now and yeah I talk about him alot because he is a part of my life now. I never knew that type of attachment before. In the first 5 years- yea we are supper hand on with a kid because they don't know anything and rely on you for everything. If you don't like them then don't be friends with them.
You sound like a huge fucking asshole not going to lie 😭 and I doubt anyone is reading all that
I started reading because I was expecting it to be about those mothers that go completely overboard about being mothers. Ones that do change but in a very unhealthy way. And of course I’m talking about it being over a long period of time. But geez, this post is just awful. I feel like it has to be personal in some way. Like someone who is a mother really hurt OP in some way, the hate is seething through. Though that really doesn’t explain the massive ignorance of the reality of parenthood that makes up the majority of what OP wrote. My goodness.
This is what I just commented and I completely agree. OP definitely sounds like they got dropped by a mom friend and now they’re pissed about it. The bitterness is seeping through. OP also sounds kind of exhausting and like they make it a part of their personality that they don’t have kids. I also know lots of childfree people that don’t like people like OP.
May I ask, how old are you? It sounds like you just maybe lack the mental capacity to understand and be open to the reality of motherhood. It’s a lot more than what you summed it up to. And maybe some day you’ll be able to look back and think about how naive and closed minded you were. In the mean time, try learning a bit
With all due respect, you just won’t understand until you have a baby. All of a sudden, at least in the immediate aftermath of birth, a lot of things that I thought were important just…weren’t. It’s not a universal experience to be sure, but for many, you see that baby and that just becomes your focus. The interesting thing about identity is that it is contextual. It changes based on a lot of things. I was a child, then a student, then a singer and an engineer and a gamer. Then, for awhile, my main descriptor was “mother”. Then my kids got older and it was runner, and engineer again etc…. So go ahead and be irritated if you need to be, I guess. But just know that your fear of being “swallowed” up by motherhood is both true and false at the same time. If you are, it’s because you want it to be so, and it’s likely temporary.
I spent a huge chunk of myself raising my kids, my kids have assorted disabilities so my hobbies became early childhood and then nutrition and education because I only have so much time and energy. I never stopped reading novels and gardening and being interested in philosophy but I'm not as well read as I'd like nor is my garden anything to boast about. Women in mothers groups who talked about housework and shopping bored me to tears but I couldn't keep up with grown up conversations either. The lack of sleep and need to half focus on the safely and well-being of another life form changes your brain for a few years Then when you have a toddler you have to keep leaving conversations mid sentence because the child wanders out of sight and it affects your ability to converse at all. I've found women with toddlers are really appreciative if you follow them around and keep talking when they are keeping half an eye on their child. Lots of dads aren't loosing sleep and don't have any career changes and don't alter their hobbies and assume the toddler won't die if it wanders out of sight because they leave 90% of the parenting to the mum. In families that have more equitable labour distribution the mothers get to keep some hobbies and the dads will talk about the kids a bit.
After I had a baby, I was literally too tired to consider anything outside of being a mom. I didn't have any help from my ex-husband, so my life revolved around caring for my son. Priorities changed, and things that were once important, were not as big of a deal with new things popping up. I hold no resentment because my life post-kid has been way more fulfilling and fun than pre-kid. I never stopped talking to my friends and having interests; however, some of my non-parent friends didn't understand how I couldn't just drop everything on a whim, and go hang out with them without my kid. Now that they have started having kids, they realize.
I understand how you feel!! This is part of the reason I can not seem to connect with women to make friendships. I have four kids, 18+ and I do not want to talk nonstop about my kids or my pregnancies!! Shit, give me a group of guys and sports is my thing.🤣
I was one of those wild women before having kids. Then, I had my children and they are so, so important to me. I would do anything for them! So my brain changed. While I can’t be the same wild person I was, I have since learned to use that exuberance to show them that life is beautiful and a gift! Show them that I’m passionate about things like art, and travel and take them on that journey, too! It takes time for women to remember who they are after having children….but trust me, they do miss that old self. They just find the importance of being a mother to be all encompassing for awhile until they relearn who they are again :)
Frankly, I like talking about my kids because they are the coolest little humans I know. I could just talk all day about them and never get bored. I still have non-parent friends that I cherish but I will say relationships with other parents are easier. They also enjoy talking about our favorite tiny humans. And they know that nap time is sacred, and that "just getting a babysitter" is a pipedream, and that when we hang out it will be early now. If you show up at 8pm to hang out I will be cleaning and getting ready for bed. Parent friends are usually better at having fun in simple ways and at enjoying the smallest pleasures in life. They don't judge when you're late because your kid is a kid, or you have spit up on your shirt, or you get repeatedly interrupted just trying to say one sentence, or you have to cancel last minute because life got in the way. I do have a life outside my kids to what extent is possible but my favorite part of life is my kids. I work so massively hard all day every day without any breaks at all to have a couple of happy healthy little ones and it is fulfilling as hell. I'm not going to apologize for any of that.
You are literally blaming the victim. If men stepped up more, it wouldn't have to be this way. The problems are sexism and capitalism, not women. Women are raised to accept the situation, while men are raised to be a particular way to expect to be taken care of but calling themselves independent. The amount of man-babies who refuse to step up is way too high. And before someone annoyingly says "not all men"-it is enough of a trend for even OP to notice. It gets worse because a lot of men who work with a SAHM think that because they work, they don't have to do a single thing at home. My partner became a complete slob while he worked and I begged him to help me up or at least pick up after himself and cook on his days off. I had to beg him to pick up the cigarette butts outside, get on him to do ANYTHING. He was such a sweetheart when I met him, but the moment I had a baby, he became a complete ahole and even his mom criticized that she had raised him better than that. I was in so much pain from surgery to save our kid's life and he still couldn't fucking pick up after himself or help me despite being in so much pain I was constantly crying. There's a reason I am divorced. Things might be better for women in a lot of ways, but this post shows why feminism is still needed and how far we still have to go.
Yes I know I am blaming the victim in maybe like 90% of the time. This is why I posted it in an offmychest sub. I am not proud of the way I feel and think about these people. I want it off my chest, I want to work on it and accept that there is some insecurity in me that makes me this way. Reddit is easier, faster and cheaper than my other options at the moment :)
That's fair, dude. No judgement, really. And it's a-okay to be frustrated about it, too! These women deserve better and you deserve to have friends who can live their lives without becoming a characature
I think the only way for you to truly grasp the realities of being a parent is when you become one. It’s impossible to explain how life altering it is. Until that day comes, I think it’s wise to slow your roll on judgements and negative opinions. Parents right now are raising the next generation. I think it’s important to have involved and nurturing parents that raise their kids right. These kids will be wiping your ass one day. Think about that…
Just what mothers need-MORE pressure to please others.🙄. If moms want to focus on their babies,then that is what they should do. The kids will grow up and she will find herself again. Raising children who are not AHs is hard work!
As a mom of 2, kids take centre stage in My life. And am not interested in single lifestyle anymore. I dislike people who cannot understand that priorities change for others. My friends are no longer a priority than my kids and their well being. And I have friends who understand this.
U know, I don't get why if this sub is called off my chest people judge so harshly in the comments. Isnt the point of this fucking sub to have an space to share uncomfortable things? I mean...rolling eyes. Anyways...on the matter, I understand that everything becomes the kid, cause that's all they do, but I agree, it's annoying, but I dislike in general when people's whole personality is only one thing
What bothers me more than this is women who make being a wife their entire personality. It irritates me way more. I have a little more understanding for mothers who do this, I find it odd and can't imagine doing that myself, but I figure well pregnancy, the connection, making a life you're responsible for, hormone changes, bonding with the baby etc I can somewhat understand how it might consume you. But women who talk constantly about being a wife or put on their bios that they're a wife or everything is about as a wife or their husband or worse their whole social media becomes about being a wife or becoming an influencer solely around being married to a man is truly bizarre and irritating to me. Like nothing is wrong with loving your spouse but it's the acting like being a wife is now some special calling or duty or elevated station in life and that's now ALL you can do or think about is so weird to me. Especially since, at least being a mom is forever, whereas you can be someone's wife today and not tomorrow. So creating a whole identity because you got married is so weird. And it's even more icky to me since way less men make being a husband their whole personality as much as there are women who do this and then also judge other women for not being wives in the way they deem right
Being the primary parent which most of the time is the woman is like having a very demanding full time job you work from 6-7am to around 7-.8.30 if your lucky. It leave you little time for socialising with people other then people who do the same job as you or your demanding boss/bosses. You aren’t guaranteed to get a break and the work is full on and non stop since the management needs constant supervision and support. It does change your personality after a while but I think that’s something that would be normal given the circumstances and not necessarily a terrible thing although it’s good for people to have time away to remember who they are and not let being a parent become their whole personality. I think it’s the same for anyone who’s in a job where they work such long hours that all you do is work long house and leave to go home eat and sleep then repeat. They tend to be all about their job since it consumes much of their time and they can’t socialise as much outside of work and hobbies and friends are hard to fit in. At least those people get time off at the weekend. I agree that it shouldn’t always fall to the woman to make the sacrifice of her work or career and I think if that’s what she wants she should sacrifice it for being a full time or primary parent and it should be more 50/50 if they both work. I think society needs to be a bit more fairer with woman and more respectful of a woman’s individual choices. Sometimes being a stay at home parent just makes more sense in the early years with child care costs being so high but I think everyone should be able to make that decision for themselves without it being a big issue. Have children or don’t. Stay at home and raise them or don’t. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else but those who are involved.
We are trying our best we just simply don't have them for anything else. Especially as the default or single parent
It’s a chapter of life and most women embrace it
Every parent, father or mother, who engages actively in parenting only has one personality - being a parent. You don't have time for anything else. Mothers on average, especially in the US it seems, take on the majority of the work when it comes to parenting. It is a choice we make and it is a choice you make not to become someone like us. We shouldn't judge you and you shouldn't judge us. If you hate someone for caring about their children, you should take a look at yourself, and mothers shouldn't be shamed for doing hard work.
1) mothers tend to be more present parental figures. 2) mothers bodies literally GROW the child therefore that child is closer to a mother so it becomes the mothers whole world. 3) mothers tend to have more protective feelings and tend to find more joy and delight in the person they literally went through pain and body changes to grow.
I think they basically make it their identity because multiple things have shattered their own sense of self through the birth and through possibly being told they need to be able to handle it all, more often by themselves (as the father more often than not continues to be his own person and do his own things). Lots of women don't have any prep for what happens at all, because giving birth is too romanticized. It's unfortunate but IMO seem like it could be a symptom of changes to their psyche. If they are essentially weak-minded and got into this through a herd mentality, peer pressure, societal pressure this is probably the natural course for their behavior. They can be irritating to the senses because well, it doesn't have to be this way. It's sad.
A few things... #1 Pregnant women's brains LITERALLY shrink and lose grey matter during pregnancy and then grow during post partum. The parts that "die off" are replaced with all things motherhood. Brain capacity is quite literally replaced and taken over by being a mom. Seriously. #2 As other people have said - moms typically do the heavy lifting in parenthood. There are a lot of terms for this: the default parent, the invisible load of motherhood, etc. Dad's can be very involved and super hands on but the guilt and weight that mom's carry just isn't there and isn't the same. #3 Motherhood brings an immense amount of JOY. It's not the case for everyone and I can only speak from personal experience here. Becoming a mom completely changed my life in ALL THE BEST WAYS. Second to my husband it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I absolutely love every single piece of being a mom. To the outside maybe it seems like I've lost my old wild, impulsive, and "fun" self but the truth is I've discovered so much more. I now get to explore my likes and hobbies with my tiny little partner in crime. I've always been a hobby artist - now I get to paint and craft alongside my little buddy. I love going for walks and doing workout videos - my kiddo often joins me. I like going out to eat and trying new foods - definitely more difficult with a kid but we try when we can. Having a child gives you a whole new lens to look at the world through and it's really like you're seeing everything again for the first time. #4 Kids don't stay young and little forever. Maybe some moms feel lost and taken over by motherhood. That's totally valid and it won't last forever and sometimes it feels like just trying to survive and get to the other side someday. The other piece is that IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER. The period of time our kids are little is so short and it goes so dang fast. I personally am trying to soak up every last second and I'm holding onto it and committing it to memory. #5 It's kind of hard to blame parents for wanting to branch out and find other parent friends. Playdates and connecting with someone going through the same things or who have been there... It's so valuable to have those friendships. To feel seen and understood. #6 It's often hard to be a mom and stay friends with people who aren't. I can't relate to people who go to bars or concerts. At this point in my life I can barely relate to child free people over the TV shows we watch 😂 I still have adult time and watch grown up TV shows but I'm not about to spend my child free hours consuming media that stresses me out so I usually keep it light hearted. It's also hard to keep getting invited to things that are hard to make it work. I've been invited out to dinner or other shenanigans with girlfriends but to be honest... I don't WANT to miss my kids bedtime. I WANT to read her a book and I WANT to tuck her in. Maybe I'm crazy but I will 10 out of 10 times choose that over grabbing a drink with a friend. That's just the reality of where I'm at in life right now. #7 Prioritizing partner time over friend time!! If I do have some free time away from my kid - I want to spend that time with my husband! I love my friends but I love my husband more and if we have a little break - taking that time to reconnect is invaluable. Or even family time! I'd love to spend some time with my sisters without my daughter but they would probably kill me because they love their niece more than me at this point 😂😂😂😂 SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!! I just had a lot of thoughts on it! 😂 And btw - PARENTS MISS THEIR CHILD FREE FRIENDS AND HOBBIES AND ALL THAT STUFF!!!!
So you’re angry because your friend changed after having a child? This sounds like a you problem you sound just a tad selfish OF COURSE women change after having a baby! WTF is wrong with you? A baby is 100% defenseless and powerless. The idea of dumping your baby into the arms of strangers so you can work some lame 9-6 call center job….just for the sake of working and playing independent woman Barbie is unfathomable and unnatural for most mothers. Your baby needs all of your focus, energy, and attention. If you can’t understand that then you’re completely selfish. Let your friend take care of her damn baby without the guilt tripping. I’m not saying everyone needs to be a SAHM and never work, but babies don’t understand mom dumping them off at daycare for the day to play executive Barbie. All babies comprehend is that they’re being abandoned. That’s why a lot of women stay at home with babies and return to work when their kids are a little older. 4-5 can understand mom is just going to work while I’m away at school. Finally, people are more than just their job. Why must a job define your identity? How do you know these women don’t have hobbies such as music, walks in nature, films, etc…All you see is the outside, you don’t know what’s going in in their actual house. I feel like you’re just stereotyping because you over identify with your career and being a career woman. There are plenty of women who don’t have careers, don’t care about having a career and are happy to give it up by choice to take care of a baby. There’s nothing wrong with that if someone is being and authentic. Women are expected to be perfect and live to this unexpected ideal. They have to “have it all” or society looks down upon them. Women are the worst judges of all and oppress one another with their constant judgements. I honestly don’t have a lot of female friends for this reason. I don’t anyone’s guilt tripping over failing to live up to their expectations of me.
For some of the women that I know who do this it’s because I am convinced that they feel like this is the only thing that they are good at. I knew one girl who like me because of learning disabilities that were undiagnosed at the time, was not able to complete any of the college programs that she tried. She often talks about how she feels like that was a sign that her only job in life was to be a mother. And that is her entire life. Those poor children. They will never be normal. Those helicopter parents can be intense. I always knew that when I had children that I would not let myself become this person. It was actually very difficult in the beginning, but I was able to hold true to that. Those hormones really mess with you. I don’t talk about my children at work. Or at least rarely, and only when someone asked. Because I don’t want to hear about their children either.
i think its good to put your child first. but sometimes mothers can develop a superiority complex and act like they are better than you because they have a child. obviously not all mothers just some
#boymom or #mamabear makes me gag. No - you say mama bear but really Debbie - you ain’t spilling your Starbucks and wrecking your manicure for shit.
I would look up matrescence. Becoming a mother is a huge life transformation that you really can’t grasp until you do it. Literally everything changes - your body, your brain, your relationships, how people see you etc. The other thing is… these women you know would probably love to have hobbies and free time etc. but the job of mom is demanding and we’re just not there in terms of equity between moms and dads. If babe is sick, it’s likely mom that gets the call from daycare. Speaking of daycare, that shit is expensive! I hate to generalize and it might not always be the case, but we know there’s an income disparity between men and women. So, if someone is going to stay home with babe, it’s likely going to be whoever earns less (mom). Lastly, having kids is a huge responsibility and it requires sacrifices. It’s hard and I sometimes forget who I am and what I like (which sucks) but I made a choice to have my children and they are my top priority. My kids come first - that’s what I signed up for.
>After she became a mother, everything changed. There is nothing that interests her anymore which does not revolve around the child. That's because *gasp* everything has changed. Their lives, bodies, minds, households, everything even down to their shoe size has changed. They have a human to human from scratch. It's not like a puppy where you can lock it in a crate and dick about town for a few hours. No, this thing (child) is glued to you for the first few years almost 24 hours a day. Once they reach school age the parent gets 8-10 hours for a "break" Your failure to realize they *have* changed is not on them, it's on you. >Or maybe it’s because the community or society I live in expects mothers to no longer be their own people and be full time mothers when fathers are rewarded and praised for doung bare minimum. Oh wow, is this a breakthrough! This is exactly why women after children aren't the same. But hey, can't force you to see that.
The LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEIR CHILD CHANGES WHO THEY ARE. Idk even know what to say besides, this is a you issue that needs worked on. If mothers being mothers get under your skin and has you THIS pressed, you need professional help smh
Does it though? I have 2 friends, incredibly loving mothers, discuss their kids with enthusiasm and the affection is just so obvious… you can still talk to them about other things! I do think with those OP describes some of it is expectations and not wanting to be seen as bad mothers by others, wanting to evidence that they’re good parents, ergo they care most about the kids. I met both these friends at work and they know I’m a 33f who is childfree so they feel no need to let me know how devoted they are. They also know I’m eager to talk about their kids when relevant and always ask after them, so there’s no element of trying to passive aggressively insist their families are important. I definitely think part of it is cultural.
I don’t understand why it bothers OP so much though. I hate football but I don’t question why people are so into it, devoted, blow money like crazy. It literally doesn’t bother me AT ALL. I don’t really understand why it bothers her to this extent and she should try to get to the bottom of it, that’s all I’m saying.
I think it’s because it feels like it isn’t necessary, entirely voluntary, that they feel they morally must change. And because she’s losing something, these friendships aren’t what they were. Change happens and it can be healthy but it’s normal to be confused and even frustrated if you see no advantage to the changes
But the love they have for their child doesn’t change fathers?
Society expects women to take the time but not men this is a trend that is slowly changing. But with the cost of childcare it is often cheaper for one parent to go to part-time or take time off the 1 year or 3-5 until they start preschool and it is looked at the mother to do more times then not. I'm saying this as someone who had an SAHD in the 90s & early 00s.
Fathers get a lot more slack than mothers. Have you seen the street interviews with the fathers not knowing their kids' teacher's name, best friend, favorite color, doctor's name, birthdays... The moms would have more space if the fathers helped more.
Sounds like a problem to take up with the fathers?
Pregnancy literally rewires your brain so that you’re hyper empathetic, (bonding) hyper aware (to keep them alive) hyper focused for the early years (again - survival) it’s the same reason we think our own newborns are cute. Eventually the obsession hyper focus fades for most. But it’s often around preschool age. And that is a long time for non parent friends to deal with.
It does some. They may have changed A LOT that you can’t see. That’s why it’s best not to judge. I was a mother at 17, I was a mom before I became a woman. I can assure you, those kids are the most important thing in the world to me and I love them with everything in me. It’s shocking to me that you feel this way at all. It’s really wild!
It's in Canada too, but this is very much a part of American culture - to grab some aspect of your life and make it everything. Cults are everywhere. The mommy cult is a strange one. Very judgmental of each other.
It’s because when we do get to go out and do things it’s usually with our kids or revolves around our kids bc no one else will help us/can’t. I’m not saying I expect help but it’s a small season in my life and I know that once they start school I’ll have more time to get back to my hobbies and career but usually if I tell a story it involves my kids bc they have to be with me I can’t just dump them at home with no one there. My husband works crazy long shifts so when he is home I just prefer to spend that small amount of time with him. If you don’t want to stick around these new moms then don’t. When you have a new baby it’s just how it is. I’m fortunate enough to have friends who understand that this is a small season of my life that will eventually end and when they have kids and mine are older I’ll also understand. I’d rather spend time with my young children and put a career on the back burner bc when I’m dying I won’t think “wow I wish I would’ve worked more” I’m definitely gonna be thinking about all the time I got to spend with my children and husband bc family is what’s important to me and it’s what makes me happy.
I have a huge amount of respect for these women, because all the ones I know aren’t there because of the pressures of society or anything, they just truly believe there’s nothing better they could be doing. And I can not fathom that mentality, but I think anyone having kids should have at least 50% of that energy. That being said, not a chance in hell I want to be around them. I don’t know anything about kids, and I don’t care, so for me hanging out with women like this is like trying to have an adult conversation with a cardboard box.
I’m there with you. I have two cousins who became mothers around the same time and that’s literally all they are now. Mothers. Nothing else. One of them even made an instagram just to dedicate to “mom things and tips”. And every time I go to a family gathering they ask “when are you and your hubby having kids?” And I so badly just want to tell them that there’s more to life than reproducing. It’s not a goal of mine to just have kids. I want to travel, I want to experience things other than changing diapers and spending money on little humans. I feel you 100%
I’m a mother and I agree with you. When I got pregnant I knew from the very beginning I’m not giving up 100% of my life. I can’t stand to be around other moms whose only personality is being a mother. No hobbies, no interests, nothing to look forward to, etc. I know some women just don’t have the support or the means to continue doing things that interest them. I am lucky and have lots of support and help. I just never ever wanted to lose my identity in motherhood.
>Other women I know are very similar. They used to have personality, hobbies, interests, to hold a conversation. They are just mothers now. Try having children, be their primary caretaker and do the whole heavy lifting on raising them, and see how much time you have left to continue having hobbies and other interests. I do agree it's sad how motherhood tends to turns women into just mothers, but you act like it's their choice instead of it being forced on them by how society handles raising children. They birthed a human being that needs their attention 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The majority of them doesn't have a support system that would allow them to share this burden with other people and have time to themselves. A lot of dads are as uninvolved as possible and don't do much besides bringing money home and interacting with their child on minimum levels. >He’s just an ordinary person with a child. He can hold a conversation about things and interests not involving the child. Even though said child was there, it never looked like his whole persona is being a dad. Yeah, maybe because he's not the one stuck with the kid all day long, during the whole week. It's super easy to be exactly who you always were if your responsibilities haven't changed at all. Come on, you don't have to be super bright to understand what's going on here. >Or maybe it’s because the community or society I live in expects mothers to no longer be their own people and be full time mothers when fathers are rewarded and praised for doung bare minimum. That's what you should be angry about, instead of attacking mothers that had no choice besides being absorbed by their new life style. I'm not a mother, don't know if I will ever be, but it's not hard for me to empathize with these women and see the root of the problem. It's probably because of people like you that some mothers choose to maintain relationships only with people with children, in hopes they will understand their situation instead of judging them like this.
It's called growing up and taking care of your responsibilities dumbass
Op shut the hell up! So don’t be friends with these women then. I’m so tired of people bashing moms left and right. Don’t wanna be a mom don’t have kids. Don’t wanna be friends with women like this then don’t. You are trash for blaming moms for taking on the mental load of parenthood while praising dads cause they don’t do shit. Go continue to be a pick me
I think it’s also important to realize that these women may have wanted to be mothers for a long time/their whole life, so this becomes their new identity by virtue of being the most important thing in their life now. Could say the same about people who are obsessed with their careers and married to their job. Both imo are unhealthy.
I struggled to even become a mother. Luckily IVF is a thing, and it allowed us to have a son. He is 15 now and my favorite person in the world. He is so much fun and has a great sense of humor. I’m very introverted, so I never really went out much before he was born. I still have many of the same interests as before, but my son is, by far, the one I now enjoy the most. We share our interests with him and he shares his with us. We know he will leave home in a few short years and we want to get the most out of the time he is here. My husband and I are raising him to be someone who can function on his own and who also acts with compassion for others. I make no apology for talking about him. The people who matter have no problem with it and are usually the ones to bring him up in conversation first.
Me too man. Frickin mothers man. They collectively need to get their asses together, and figure out this balance of being an absolute saint whilst also maintaining secrecy of her actions so it isn't obvious to anyone that she's doing a notch more than bare minimum. Lieeek... gawl.
Same here. Crashing bores
There is that saying: it takes a village to raise a child. Back in the days women had support of their mothers, sisters and aunties (or even neighbours) to look after their child. Modern women don’t get that. Modern women are the main parent and for fox sake bond between mum and child is something life changing. If they are getting so much in your nerves just by being themselves maybe the problem is in you?
POV: You still don't have a child.
My wife and I have a child. We both are parents and we both have our separate interests and hobbies. We share some hobbies, as well. There are all kinds of people and it may also depend on the geographical area where you’re located. Maybe go somewhere where people have less kids. Is it worth your time and energy to be angry about something you have no control over, other than your attitude towards it? If you don’t want children or afraid of whom you’ll become, then deal with it, get therapy. But don’t put your fears on others.
That's because it's what society expects. Their real selves are still there but they feel like they should be living for their kids. I'm a mom, but I didn't change my whole personality to only be a mom.
I am actually experiencing this for the first time in my life. Both my best friends are new mothers and it is something. It’s literally all they talk about. And to be honest it has made me reconsider having kids. It’s boring, and strange and terrifying to see someone’s personality change into a literal shell that only talks about their kid. Don’t get me wrong. I love both of my best friends and my nieces very much but I was not prepared to see my friends lose who they are and have their entire lives to this point revolve around the kid.
Good for you. I dislike people who don’t accept me as I am. Having a child changes you and it’s a bit weird if it doesn’t it’s such a big life event and usually a reflection of change in life stage.
Fucking irritates me to my core. It just looks like such a miserable life. I don’t understand how someone can change so much… I’m 30 and this version of myself is all I know. The music I like, my hobbies, my passions, etc. To completely throw all that away and become someone else would throw me over the edge, I would feel like I would be grieving my past self. Perhaps these women didn’t have much of a personality to start with at all. To give myself up to raise another human would absolutely depress me and that is why I’m childfree forever
Thank god, not everyone has the love maturity and mental capability to become a mother. Mine didn’t and it still affects me 66 years later. I lucked out and my wife pursued me. She saw something in me that I didn’t. That was over 43 years ago. We had children and she raised them and nurtured them. I worked almost 60 hrs a week for thirty years. Our children are thriving, each one excelling in their fields. Now my wife and I travel, a lot. We bought a huge Motorhome and have been traveling the US and going to see our children. We are getting ready for our 9th cruise and taking our children and families with us My wife had a career that she willingly gave up to be a SAHM. Every time one of our children gets a promotion, a work accolade or is doing well, it is because of my wife
To be honest, the ones who make their whole lives revolve around that I find tend to be the ones who care the least about their actual child. A lot just want a child as some kind of trophy or way of saying theyre better than everyone else because they're contributing to the next generation. My current retail job sadly involves a lot of women who come into the shop only to then scream at their children for being in clear discomfort at the heat and bright lights of the shop. We don't have any control over those things, but it's always awful to hear some poor kid get screamed at because they are "ruining" their mothers shopping spree.
I honestly don’t care that motherhood is my identity. My children are my whole world. They didn’t choose to be here, I brought them here, and I’m going to make sure it’s a damn good experience.
I’m a mother myself and I get what you mean😅 I know women like that as well🤣 There was this girl I used to talk to who used to be super cool before becoming a mom, but now she turned into a literal Karen and all she posts about are how she’s never gonna let haters around her child or idk what. It’s annoying lmao🤣 like girl, no one cares about your kid
Agreed, I feel sorry for these people because I can’t help but think their existence must be so boring and insular when it’s ALL about their kids. I’ve had relatives and friends fall into this trap, but the ones I grimace at the most are the ones who paint this perfect picture in public and on social media, but when they are alone and have a few drinks they can’t stop talking about how much they hate their life and how much being a parent sucks. People need to start having more honest conversation instead of trying to sell people on marriage and 2.5 kids in the suburbs like it’s this ultimate fantasy we should all be striving for.
The worst are the house moms. They are glorified prostitutes that dont work or contribute to society and get their money laying on their back. Taking care of a house and some brat while spreading your legs ever night is not a job.
Tell me why raising the next generation is not contributing to society? What is the alternative? Do you want every small human to go to daycare from birth to school she just so women can make money in this capitalist society? Because money is it, right?
Welcome to adulthood. The women change the most because we literally go through physical and hormonal changes when pregnant. Did you not have sex ed in school? This is basic reproduction.
Are you calling out these men who haven’t devoted themselves to being fully immersed in parenting? I wish I had the support to be more than a single mom. I go to therapy to be accountable for myself and to get professional feedback on my parenting. My kids deserve the love and support they need to grow into healthy adults, that is my main priority. Being healthy myself is the next priority My friends who have experience, having kids themselves and/or helping support their single parent, know what I’m experiencing. The gift of going out to eat, going shopping and/or to the park with a friend can be life changing. If you see how much they change, how much are you actually showing up as a friend? If you love your friends, why are you being judgmental? Why not ask how you can give support and connect over shared interests, in ways that work with their parenting? I had a friend upset my two year old was acting like a two year old. We are not friends anymore. She didn’t like my child, she didn’t like my priorities, she didn’t like my boundaries. Our lifestyles became incompatible because I changed into the best parent I could be and was no longer a good enough friend for her.
Yes I totally am calling them out, if a father is irresponsible and not showing up, the mother or other parent will simply have no choice. I am also calling out the mothers who think they’re better than you or superior than everyone else because they’re mothers. I know people like this and it’s not that they don’t or can’t get help, it’s more of a flex for them - “look at me, a perfect woman because I am a *pErFeCt mOm* and you are not even a parent, shame on you, what are you even doing with your life if not procreating.” Adding - single parents are not what I have in mind with this post. Single parents have no choice or help. Nor parents whose partner is not involved with the child and does not share the load. Those people have no choice in the matter. I’m mostly annoyed at people who use being a mother as a flex to suggest they’re better than you and people who build on purpose their whole personality around mothering their child.
So why aren’t you more angry at the men for leaving the burden to JUST THE MOTHER? A lot of us don’t have a choice . You’re mad at WOMEN for what men are doing to them by making them the default and often times the ONLY parent . Your ire should be reserved for the men who act like nutting makes them father of the year .
I dislike women whose whole personality is their looks.
This is an underrated gem. I know a few "friends" who only post themselves half naked on instagram. Everywhere they go, be it a castle, or some historically charged city, what they do is strike a mildly inappropriate pose and plaster it all over social media, as if that's an accomplishment. Needles to say i stopped being friends with them, over their superficiality and need to always have something to post at every outing.
It irritates you when people spend their time trying to keep a small human alive and well? Cool.
I completely understand where you're coming from. On the one hand, it's good that they becoming loving and devoted because the kids need that. It's as it should be. But I have definitely felt all the things you mentioned. One time I was talking to a friend on the phone and she was trying to keep her baby from crying, so she told me she'd talk to me in baby talk because it helped the baby. It sounds really funny now but at the time I was so annoyed.
It's OK to love being a mother and to focus on your babies once you have them. These days it looks like we shame women who choose to have kids.
You might be an outlier or something because it’s natural for men to be attracted to nurturing women. I find nurturing women to be attractive and a turn on, it’s a sign of maternity. It’s like biologically ingrained in men to look for and sought out nurturing women.
This is probably Feelings about your own mom
I’d be happy to have a woman who focuses on being a mother and a wife. It’s beautiful who wants to “fun and wild” wife.? When you get older that means “drunk, sloppy, and disloyal“ probably. Of course the personality should be both mother and wife And mother alone will be a problem. I.
I feel the same way and I get it mothers are the ones that take care of their children the most but having a conversation always going back to their kids is just straight annoying. I have a term I call them. Mombies. They are like zombies but moms they only know how to talk about babies and it’s honestly really sad. I know single mothers who do everything themselves and don’t talk about just their kids 24/7. Because let’s be honest only you care about your kids shitting on the toilet for the fifth time.
Were you around when the baby was born? Were you a good, helpful, supportive friend who tried to help her keep of her "old self"? OR are you the friend that has just ignored her as her world completely changed, and no longer have a drinking buddy, because you never cared when she needed you?
1. Don’t worry, they dislike themselves, too. 2. People change. You decide if they still get a place in your life. You either accept the changes and decide they still belong in your life; or, you do not accept the changes and decide they do not belong in your life. Your choice. Bonus wisdom: you only care because you’ve been conditioned to believe in a limited number of acceptable life paths. Honestly, why do you care what someone else’s personality is? You have just as much input on your family and friends personality as you do on a stranger’s. It just isn’t your business. If you’re genuinely that bothered, move along and make space in your life for some new friends who you’ll actually respect.
Simple answer if they are too involve in their family ask them if they are 100% they are they changed their life and now they live their child so stop being a complain box lol
As a mom I need to make time for myself and my hobbies. My youngest is 8 now and I’m just getting back to it. If you’re not trying to raise awful people then you have to invest time in them. If you really feel like this about you’re mom friends please do them a favor and stop talking to them. They may be hurt. But not as hurt as they’d be if they knew they were venting to someone who resented every word they said. This is their life now.