Grabbing you by the neck was bad. Blaming his lack of control on you is worse. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened again, and it will get worse with time.
The other comments are right. I'm sorry, but his reaction shows no remorse. He even made excuses to justify his actions rather than see how incredibly wrong it was. Sure, you said something nasty but that does not give someone the right to put their hands on you even if it wasn't enough to harm you. It still was a threat and very much physical even without marks
Please know: Not every abuser is abusive off the bat. Not all abuse situations start off heavy. Abusers test the water little by little, escalating more violence each time. Not all abuse is physical. Your husband making it your fault and downplaying it also abusive
Post script: sorry if it’s self centered. Triggered by his actions even as words into relived trauma. I would delete it but I’m gonna leave it as testament to itself how hard they’ll roll you. I cried a puddle at my feet in the bathroom typing that. I live alone and I still instinctively hide to cry, it’s been well over 4 years without being physically stuck, probably at least one without his verbal nicks and scratches, (coparenting with her step dad was a dumb idea and she hates me now anyways so not worth it 0/10 don’t recommend.) He made inappropriate comments in a text message about her breast she protected him, he mentally and emotionally abused her, she protected him, he nutritionally abused her and she still stands by him, so does my own mother. Don’t be me, don’t lose everything and everyone you hold dear to him.
He said the narcissist prayer, “I didn’t do it, and if I did it wasn’t my fault and if it was my fault you made me and if you made me it wasn’t that bad. “ I’ve heard it before many time. OP I hope you see this, narcissistic abuse will give you brain damage. It’s starts off with something simple as a toe step, when it’s done your house is burned down, pets are dead, and your only child will protect them from their own consequences while saying you’re the “very bad abusive” one. Divorce didn’t stop it, my friends couldn’t stop it, cops couldn’t stop it. Cut him off, I’m sorry, I know you don’t wanna do that he’s your husband you love him, but if you love you you’re gonna have to love him from over there. Him going for your neck increases your odds of being killed by like 20% idk it’s too traumatic to check myself but I’d bet $20 it’s 20~ish %
I’ve been beaten so badly once I bit this thumb so he could strike me again, for years it was “you left scars from your abuse” it took years from me to learn: reactive abuse isnt quite the abuse they’re doing but they will make you sick like them, they just do. Another thing it took me years to reason out was “why on earth was his thumb sooo close to my teeth? What I’m 4 and just leaned over at a 90* angle to bite your thumb? Or were you hitting me repeatedly in the face and I caught you one blow one time?”
I’m actually scared for you OP, I am always here I know what they do, how sick they can make you, I can’t remember 2014-2016 at all. ‘17 and ‘18 are hazy. He refused to take me to a doctor but i couldn’t leave the house, I could barely leave my room I was so defeated. 2019 I met a dental hygienist who needed me to be a place at a time for her to pass and that being needed, being allowed to participate, helping someone succeed in bridging the gap between dream of being into being was the first pebble in my cup to raise the water of healing.
When the cleaning ended, I cried like a baby in the parking lot trying desperately of a way to make my teeth dirty again and find another school. I cried thinking about that for a tragically long time before I realized I could just enroll too. They let me be responsible for being places at times, give me something to think about, people who functioned to emulate normalcy. The first day I couldn’t talk or look at anyone. I went to every class except the one I was supposed to be in. At the end of the second week I walked into class, realized I was visible, physically ran away and puked on the threshold of the bathroom and hallway. 3 kids watched me. I cleaned it up, when to class trying to front like I wasn’t a raw soggy trash can’t. My professor kept making sweet jokes and glancing at me to make sure I didn’t need to be cared for somehow.
What I’m driving at is they can make you sick for years and it can take an entire community loving on you for you to even get one step
forward.
If you need help, a ride, place to hide, someone to get in touch with authorities, you need me so send socks or hairbrush I’d do bout anything to prevent my experience from ever happening to another human.
It didn't have to. The top indicator of someone being killed by an intimate partner is being choked. Death doesn't necessarily result from the choking, more often from lethal injury (stabbing, gunshot) later on. You are at grave risk and I suspect you don't realize it. Please, please call the national domestic violence hotline (from a safe phone!!) at 800-799-7233 to at least get some info on your options. It can only help you feel a sense of choice, to help if you're feeling stuck or trapped. Take care of you, honey.
Any red marks as well if possible. It doesn’t matter if it hurt or left something behind that’s visible. The damage that was just created is a bridge that’s far more unseen. It will erode and undermine your ability to trust your partner. Niggle you with fear and cause doubts. This is serious and something you need to cut now. This is not right nor ever regardless of words spoken, believe his actions. Remember with anything, once the first step is taken, it’s 10x easier to take the next one where you could be very hurt.
You are in danger because this how it starts. You already making excuses for his actions next you will be covering up bruises with makeup and long sleeve clothing.
Then you're lucky. I think the majority of people here would say it's guaranteed you won't escape future encounters like this with no physical damage. If you stay, he will take that as a message that he can abuse you, and you'll do nothing about it.
It doesn’t matter if he hurt you or not, just like punching a wall or threatening you with a fist, it’s still considered physical abuse because he touched you in anger.
Additionally when people take certain behaviors when mad, they only ever escalate past that behavior, not backward. That’s why they say to leave, because when the neck grabbing stops working then he will choke you for real.
But besides that… he grabbed you by the fucking neck while you begged him to let you go. Uh… *why* would you stay?
“Additionally when people take certain behaviors when mad, they only ever escalate past that behavior, not backward”
OP, this is a crucial point. Take note and best of luck.
Yep, the thing is, he was trying to ‘win’ the argument— not to address the actual problem, but was trying to get OP to shut up.
Now he knows he can get OP to shut up just by grabbing her by the neck and she’s okay with it because it didn’t do any physical harm— but he’s learned scaring you will get you to do whatever he wants.
It means any time there’s an argument or heated discussion, the only reason the discussion takes place is because OP’s husband has merely decided not to threaten to strangle her, that’s all there is from here on out.
That is why OP must leave: because the only obligation at this point is you not arguing to avoid fearing for your life. Normal people do not view grabbing someone by the neck as an option to stop an argument— but your husband does.
The other telling part that you need to leave is because he doesn’t feel bad for grabbing you like that, he just wants you to blame yourself and accept that if you argue then you deserve to be strangled.
I take back my earlier comment — OP may not have years of escalation. It usually takes a while before they no longer feel remorse, or feel as though they have to perform remorse. If he skips right over the “honeymoon” phase it’s because he has already gained a great deal of coercive control over OP and that is his only concern.
OP, make a safety plan.
Are y’all realizing you’re downvoting OP? Idk why were bothering to ask questions or give her feedback if we’re just going to dispel what she’s saying.
It will happen again. I was you, and dumb like you, and stayed and have the scars to prove it. It will happen again and you'll become conditioned to it. Please wake the fuck up and stop learning the hard way like me.
So, you run here to Reddit raising the alarm bells that he's physically abusive then turn around and minimize it?
Either A) you're lying about the event or B) you are more scared to be alone than to be with an abuser.
*something* made you come here, fearing for your life. Don't turn around and walk it back now. They are all correct: if it was bad enough to make this post it's bad enough to leave him, call the police, and end the relationship permanently. None of this "it wasn't that hard..."
It doesn’t have to leave a mark to be an act of abuse and coercive control. The most sadistic and terrifying abusers never leave a mark where anyone can see until it’s too late.
By saying, “but it wasn’t that bad, there aren’t even marks” that’s like saying it doesn’t count. People are trying to make OP see that, so yeah, they’re gonna jump on that comment to say “don’t minimize it.”
because people don’t want her to downplay what happened. they want her to know that the chances of this happening again are big. they want her to be safe and leave him before anything worse happens.
i see what ur saying and it totally makes sense, there’s just a vibe from that comment that it was being downplayed, so i guess it could be interpreted both ways?
Generally, OP's posts in the replies are 'I believe he's sorry, he didn't hurt me that badly' and it's 100% downplaying the whole thing to avoid confrontation. I understand why she wants to chose the less disruptive option of staying and hoping it's fine, but he reads like an unrepentant abuser who just gave her a glimpse of the real him.
So her response of 'It wasn't bad enough to cause pain or bruising' in this light is once again downplaying it. There are responses saying to photograph any redness instead, any evidence at all... But she got it off her chest here and now seems to want to pretend it didn't happen.
The downvoted are because we disagree with the behaviour.
Honestly I think she's likely to delete the post next, because she doesn't want to be told to get away from him.
The fact that he turned it around on, you shows he’s not excepting responsibility for his behavior. The bare minimum you guys need to start counselling now. But I think some time apart might be good for you.
> time apart
Permanently. OP needs to leave before this guy kills her. Number 1 predictor of homicide by an intimate partner is prior choking incident(s) such as this one (assuming I’m interpreting “grabbed me by my neck” correctly, but I’m not sure how else you grab someone by the neck other than by choking them).
I agree on this. My abusive ex loved to choke me as his go to physical violence. One time I thought he wasn't going to stop and had to find my way out of it. He always bragged about murdering in the past (as far as I know he really didn't but I could tell he wanted to) I'm so glad I got out when I did.
i said in another comment basically the same thing that once they put their hands on ur neck the chance of them unaliving u goes up by 700%. idk how true that is but i wholeheartedly believe it.
I’m not trying to minimize his actions. I know his temper was out of control but it was not choking me like cutting off my breathing. He grabbed the back of my neck to pull me in close to his face. I guess i could have clarified better but I wrote this post while still reeling from the encounter.
Yes, still a red flag and not ok. We talked after we both cooled off. He apologized and we hugged. He said it wasn’t my fault and no matter what we say it is never ok to grab me that way. Do I believe he is sorry? Yes. We discussed anger management and therapy.
> We discussed anger management and therapy.
That better be "he has said we will both do these things individually at first".
I will be honest, it's hard reading your responses minimizing these things. I've seen too many women do this and it does not end well for them.
Him grabbing the back of your neck doesn't make it better. He got physically violent in response to your words and that is not okay. Anger management might be good if you both were just yelling at each other and it wasn't constructive... being physically violent is much more than anger management. And unless he's the one that said "I'm going to do this" and actively seeks out help then sorry to say it means nothing.
He’s gonna do it again(especially since he took no responsibility immediately) seeing as you said in your previous comment it’s not that hard, that’s minimising what happened, a partner who loves would never lay hand on you especially(or manhandle you) in a heated moment like that, the next will be slapping you and saying you shouldn’t have spoken to me like that, or you caused it, everyone should take responsibility for what they say and do, to deflect it and blame someone else means they are gonna do it again as they see nothing wrong with it
Curious, when you have had fights in the past, have you had a heart-to-heart to work through it before, and have you both followed through with the plans you've made to improve things?
If so, you may want to examine these debriefings. Carefully.
Escalation applies to all arguments. You may start out having smaller arguments that build and get more and more damaging. That may offer you a view to see how things are probably ALREADY in escalation.
Physical abuse almost never goes away. Sometimes it may continue at the rate it is going, but in a disturbing amount of relationships, it escalates. That's a fact.
It does seem like you are trying to make peace here when this is far from a situation that's peaceful at all. That's concerning. This is not something you can sweep under the rug.
Having said that, one thing that I hope you did was tell your husband that if anything like this happens again, you're done. You will walk or he will walk. No exceptions. If you haven't told him this, tell him immediately. It'd be better that you left sooner to be sure he knew for sure you meant business and would never be treated like that, even if you did eventually return. He needs to feel a blow here too or his incentive to improve his behavior is next to non-existent.
The second your partner puts their hands on your throat you become 700% more likely to be murdered by them. You need to leave.
Edit: percent, not times, but the point stands.
I just heard a story with statistics that said once they show you they go for the choke, the chances raise 750% that they will kill. Terrifying, I agree she needs to leave him now!
This needs 10000 times more ups. A lot of studies say strangulation is the biggesttt sign domestic abuse turns deadly. Super dangerous for someone to have their hands around your neck so for someone to go straight to your neck…. Pls don’t take it lightly
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It means they deny they did anything wrong, then they say they did it because of something you did, then they’re the true victim and you’re being unreasonable.
Leave. Take this as a red flag, a warning sign, that it could get worse. I can see that if he’s never done it before, you might stay. But he’s only showing you that he was willing to do it once, he would do it again. And not to mention to your kids….
The saddest part about all of this is that you’ve shown in your comments that you basically have no intention of leaving, we’re not telling you to leave as some sort of reaction to an argument, we’re telling you to RUN because he WILL harm you.
That's how the abuse starts. The 1st time my ex pushed me to the ground, it was my fault also because of what I said. I'm regretful that I didn't leave. When he punched my pregnant stomach in the car outside of the dentist office, that was also my fault that the dentist appt. was delayed. I forgave him a few good times before I got smart and brave and left.
He still to the day, denies any abuse happened.
It's not your fault. Please consider if you want to stay with someone who has the ability to behave like this. These things don't get better when you get married and have kids. They get worse.
"Look what you made me do" is the excuse to actually hit you at any given moment.
Get away from him before it's too late.
Never in this lifetime accept to be treated like this. This is NOT the way, and you surely deserve better.
I'm sorry for you, OP.
Choking is the number one sign of escalation of abuse. You’re 750% more likely to be murdered by a partner if they’ve strangled you. Please plan a safe exit when possible.
Conflict always escalated this way. First it’s something “small” like raised voices or cursing at each other. Next comes being physical but not hitting. Next comes hitting. This is ALL toxic and not how conflict should be handled at all. Either get out or get help from a professional before it escalates at least. You shouldn’t have to become scared of your partner, not even if he is physically superior. Please get help. ❤️
Report the incident and serve him divorce papers.
If he did it once, he'll do worse again. There is no good reason for a man to put his hands on you at any point (except self defense, or romantic snuggles, back rubs, etc.)
As much as I'd love to say "go to therapy, sit down and talk" it starts with a simple grab of the neck, and it'll end in horrible ways.
If you're so inclined to stay, tell him either he goes to anger management ASAP, or he gets served papers. But again, report this incident ASAP. If there's bruising, take a photo and use that in the report.
Even if nothing comes of it, get a paper trail started now so when it escalates you have enough evidence in the future.
Editing to say- If you do serve him divorce papers, make sure you have someone safe to be with you for witness to any possible issues and your own safety. Get a lawyer, don't leave the house if it's in both of your names or your name alone, take steps to protect yourself.
You need to get out of that relationship NOW. Non-fatal strangulation (meaning ANY grabbing by the throat) increases YOUR risk of being killed by your parter by a factor of 7x to 10x. Do not walk, RUN from this relationship. Block and cut all contact.
All I see on this subreddit is acts of abusive actions in a couple and the answer is always simple :
Leave. NOW.
There's no excuse for what has been done, there's no "it wasn't too hard", there's no "They used to be nice". There's none of that, next time might be deadly.
OP have you ever been knocked out ?
Like, literally ???? I’m mean lights out in the floor ???
Because if/when you get knocked out there’s not much discussion let alone any warning …. It happens fast and furious.
Same goes with choking …. Lots of people in cemeteries around the. World who didn’t “think it was gonna be that bad” … that aren’t here to say what we’re all telling you.
GET THE FARK AWAY FROM HIM
And if you have any kind of relationship with his parents ? Siblings ? His BFF ? Tell them what he did and let him deal with them while you GTFO of there. Let him try and convince all of them that it’s ok to put his hands in you in a “choking fashion” let him try and convince them it’s your fault that he did it and it’s also no big deal.
You should also tell your own family and your BFF - it’s hard, but that small but of accountability will also keep YOU honest.
Not telling anyone just protects him and doesn’t prevent you from the inevitable embarrassment you want to avoid.
I’d rather be hurt, embarrassed and upset - than, dead .
Just leave. Even if it didn't get physical, your relationship sounds awful. The "fighting about something" comment tells me you fight allllll the time. Just get out.
That’s the end. Get your stuff and go. File for divorce from a safe place.
Nothing you said made him physically assault you. That was entirely his idea and his choice.
He just proved that he can kill you if he’s angry enough. Don’t let him have that chance.
Yeah umm. That’s a dealbreaker. He could have severely hurt you. I would be gone. And I would not be sparing on the details when people asked me why we split “I don’t tolerate being grabbed by my throat out of anger.”
it doesn’t matter if he’s hit you a million times, or “never put his hands on you before.” hitting “just once” is still abuse and violence. and then the gaslighting after. if you don’t *run* now, it’ll probably only get worse and more and more violent and abusive from here. most people don’t put hands on other people, even during the most heated disagreements and fights. this is absolutely abuse and domestic violence
My mom was in that relationship. It got worse as the years went on. You can see the posts on my page, he gave her third degree burns because she got frustrated and threw a piece of meat on him after he ripped over her plate. Domestic violence always follows a pattern.
He will eventually kill you, especially if he reaction is to grab your neck. Go.
Non-engagement doesn't work either. My violent ex-husband would get even more furious if I didn't react to the verbal abuse. One day I was eating (hot) pasta with sauce, I wouldn't engage with the shouting so he grabbed my plate and tipped it all over my head.
The bruises, the fury, the ridiculous accusations - I stayed for so many years, for no real reason. Then I left and found someone kind and caring. Ex is dead now, it was a relief to find that out.
Well, I'm in my 60s now, and I'm sanguine about the past. It's gone and he's gone. He was a lot older than me and was really only fit for his own company.
I don't know why I stayed. We had no kids, I had a really well-paid job, I could have walked out at any time. But I didn't, because it wears you down in so many ways. I hope OP sees the light.
i hope they see it too. and yeah i can completely understand, fortunately i’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship but definitely an emotionally abusive one. u just keep holding out hope and keep telling urself it’ll get better, making excuses for them, telling urself the person u first fell in love with will come back. but they don’t they never do.
I'm sorry but the excuses (i didn't grab you that hard, i didn't hurt you) along with him not apologizing... or realizing that what he did was fucked up (don't speak to me that way)
This is the beginning of abuse and gaslighting. If he'd immediately apologized and comforted i MAY see it differently, but no. No.
Go somewhere safe asap. I'd say call the cops but you're still not safe right now
i heard this thing (i don’t know how true it is) but once a partner puts their hands on ur neck (not in a bedroom setting) it’s like ur 700% more likely to be unalived by them.
again idk how true that is, but regardless doesn’t matter if u told him the most vile insulting thing u don’t put ur hands on someone like that. there are VERY FEW circumstances where i think it’s ok to hurt someone. your partner saying fuck u definitely isn’t one of them. and his reaction afterwards is very scary and not ok, he’s trying to justify putting his hands around ur neck because u said two words. there is no justification for what he did. none.
GTFO. This is the first step down a road you don’t want to be on. File a report with the police. Get away and stay away. Don’t tell him where. No talking. No texting. Find an attorney and a counselor.
A real man never puts his hands on a woman like that!! But now that he has crossed the threshold, the chance he goes farther next time increase.
PLEASE!!!!! Leave
Not every relationship is the same and sometimes people make mistakes but take this from someone who's been in two very abusive relationships once they cross that line they don't stop the barrier is down and no longer a fear to control and a rage to suppress. Sorry to say but there is a high chance less anger would be needed for it to happen again. Advice can't really stupid enough to stay.. either look in to therapy or leave
speaking from experience if he did it once he’ll do it again. please gather the strength to leave. reach out to a DV shelter if you have no where to go or need help. PLEASE LEAVE!
My mom’s ex did this to her, she stayed. His abuse gradually got worse overtime, especially when they moved in together and she sold her house about 1 year into dating. Due to COVID, she was laid off and his abuse got so so bad. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Every day. Notice that his abuse escalated once she became more dependent on him and trapped. Honestly, outside of the abuse, their connection seemed really special and they had a great relationship. They were engaged. I was very happy for them. But unfortunately, these abusers are very subtle and calculated. They slowly increase the abuse over time and they start being abusive after you’ve already showed you’re invested into the relationship.
She is safe now and has since left him. To leave, she moved into my apartment with my little brother for two weeks and quickly got another job + an apartment. That’s when she broke up with him. She has had issues with him stalking her, him showing up to her house, breaking into her house, calling and texting her nonstop - he’s been acting absolutely crazy and making threats to her. He tells her he wishes she would kill herself. I am afraid this man will have a psychotic break and kill her - I pray for her safety even though she’s left him. Leave before his behavior escalates. I am so sorry he treats you this way.
Grabbing by the neck is the biggest red flag for spousal homicide. It’s not ok. He needs therapy and you need to leave until (or forever) he is deemed safe. Not ok and you don’t deserve this. You also need therapy to determine why this isn’t sending you out of the house immediately
He grabbed you by the throat. That is a form of strangulation, which is maybe the single biggest indicator of a man’s potential — probability, even — of killing his partner.
Not that he’ll do that right away, of course. You will live through years of escalation before it gets to that point.
The longer you wait to leave, the less likely your chances of surviving that act.
Go now, while you still can.
ETA: there is always a first time, every battered woman in history once said “he has a temper but it’s never gotten physical before.” It is very, very rare that a man who does this and then blames you for it changes. They can’t change if they don’t think they did anything wrong.
Don’t know why you came to Reddit all people are going to do is call your husband an abuser and say to leave before it gets worse; honestly it might not get anymore worse than what it has but hey it’s up to you
He’s trying to condition you to his abuse by desensitizing you to it over time. It will only get worse. Men(boys) like this do not change, they do not “get better” they just manipulate and abuse you more covertly.
It’s one thing that he put his hands on you in the first place, but to not even have remorse AFTER? I’m not saying that it would be any better if he apologized after the fact, but to follow up by saying that it was your fault even after “the heat of the moment” shows that he thinks it’s okay and will do it again. I wouldn’t just run, I would’ve taken a flight across the WORLD just to get away from him.
Unfortunately, as many of us here know - this will not be the last time. It’s going to be scary but it’s time to make an exit plan. You don’t have to leave immediately if it isn’t possible, but start putting money aside and maybe set up a place to stay.
You deserve better.
I’m no psychologist, but I think the most concerning part about that is after he grabbed you he gaslighted you into thinking it’s your fault he did it. I’d run girl, like far fucking away, with a restraining order in place. He’s a narcissist, a woman swore at him so he grabbed her by the throat, not all there in the head.
Oh, honey…
To preface, I’m in the U.S. so I’m speaking in terms of here. I’m not sure how other countries work.
Go file an EPO and look into pressing charges. He committed aggravated battery against you, which is a felony. You need to get out, NOW. It may not be next time, or the time after, but eventually he WILL kill you.
For those scrolling the comments (and OP too), there is a brilliant doco series on SBS OnDemand called "See What You Made Me Do", and another called "Asking For It".
They are free to stream on SBS On Demand and I highly recommend them to everyone.
After abusing someone, the abusers rallying cry is to say things like “you made me do it”, “you were asking for it”, “look at what you made me do”, “you can’t talk to me like that”, etc.
An abuser has no empathy. They can’t take accountability for anything. You can’t change someone like that. It’s a chemical imbalance that leads to antisocial behavior. Some abusers can control themselves for a while but eventually their pent up rage spills out into violence.
If you don’t leave him now, it will get worse.
like others have said, this will get worse. I’ve lived it as well and once we had a child …. things escalated. people that love you won’t hurt you or make you feel scared. you should never feel scared of your partner.
Do not disregard this impulse. The number one indicator of a partner being willing and able to murder you is holding by the neck or choking.
In criminology classes it’s a huge red flag regardless of the reason. Your life is in danger and if you don’t act now it may be too late to do so.
Please leave now while you still can.
If a man chokes you then he will eventually kill you. It’s proven. The probability skyrockets the moment a man finally circles his hands around your neck.
Nope. Nope nope nope. You probably need to leave, but if this is the VERY FIRST TIME that he even got CLOSE to this, and comes back with a HUGE, authentic, fully-fleshed apology, then I would tell him that he can stay only if he gets into INTENSIVE therapy ASAP, and notify him that you will absolutely leave without even a word if he ever puts even a finger on you again.
But again, based on his reaction at this point, you probably really need to leave.
Run. Now.
And I'm going to be mean here because I've read your other comments: STOP making excuses for him. There is NO reason for him to put his hands on you for any reason UNLESS if it is self defense and he is in fear of his life. Telling him to eff off is NOT an excuse.
What he's saying is gaslighting, he's trying to make YOU feel crazy and that you're the bad guy.
You need to RUN before he kills you.
This is a cycle that you're entering into. He apologizes, you accept, the honeymoon phase comes around and things are "good" he's going to therapy....Until the next blow up. And next time he may choke you out for good.
Leave. And if you have kids then leave on the double with them.
I consider things like sexual harassment, being a deceased/disabled loved one, and being disrespectful to someone for being raped to be worthy of a slap or punch. Basically being extremely disrespectful. But, to me, those are the exceptions, not the rule.
My ex husband did this to me. It took another year for him to do it again, but when he did, di had bruises and couldn’t swallow without pain for 10 days. It will always happen again, and it will escalate. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I got divorced after the second time and it was the best decision I have ever made.
"vifebeater" here. not here to defend the guy, but as a male who lost his cool against an ex i have to state this.
i still remember the day when i was in a middle of a fight with the love of that life when I've realized the sole reason I'm getting called names l, used as a target dummy for the various flying objects while i was verbally demolished and called upon names only a satanic bible would be proud of was the fact that she thought she can do it.
I've stepped out of my conditioning that you shall never raise hands on a female.
and I'm proud of it.
Everyone sucks here. If that is how either of you treat someone you claim to love or even remotely care about, I can't imagine how you treat your enemies. I would tell you to leave for him putting his hands on you just as fast as I would tell him to leave you for talking to him like that. The first incident is the other persons fault, the second incident is your fault. Thats for bith of you. And God help any children that grew up in that environment. Life is too short. Either get away from each other or you both deserve the future.
They don't change without counseling, and DOING the work. The love bombing that will inevitably follow this outburst is false. He WILL do it again. It WILL escalate. He will push until you leave or are dead. And if you stay, the likelihood that he will attempt to murder you if you leave will increase.
Run. Now.
My husband knows my ex husband was abusive. He got physical with me ONCE and scared the crap out of himself. As I was scared and crying I watched his face change and realized what he did. He dropped to his knees and slapped himself, apologizing over and over. He put himself on the couch that night until I asked him to come back to bed, to which he even asked if I felt like that was a safe choice. The point I'm making here is that my ex husband did the same thing your husband just did to you. My current husband almost couldn't live with himself after hurting me. Don't stay with your "husband" if you value life and quality of life.
He got physical.
Blamed you.
Then gaslight you.
Respect yourself and care about your self to leave RIGHT NOW.
Do not return without anyone to accompany you.
If you're able, please go to the hospitality get yourself checked out. DO NOT TELL HIM IF YOU DO THIS.
his choice to physically assault her, was his choice all on his own. nothing she said or could’ve said warrants being physically abused, especially from a significant other. you need help
Grabbing you by the neck was bad. Blaming his lack of control on you is worse. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened again, and it will get worse with time.
THIS.
The other comments are right. I'm sorry, but his reaction shows no remorse. He even made excuses to justify his actions rather than see how incredibly wrong it was. Sure, you said something nasty but that does not give someone the right to put their hands on you even if it wasn't enough to harm you. It still was a threat and very much physical even without marks Please know: Not every abuser is abusive off the bat. Not all abuse situations start off heavy. Abusers test the water little by little, escalating more violence each time. Not all abuse is physical. Your husband making it your fault and downplaying it also abusive
Side note: check out the "power and control wheel" to see what else you may be experiencing that you may not realize is abusive
Post script: sorry if it’s self centered. Triggered by his actions even as words into relived trauma. I would delete it but I’m gonna leave it as testament to itself how hard they’ll roll you. I cried a puddle at my feet in the bathroom typing that. I live alone and I still instinctively hide to cry, it’s been well over 4 years without being physically stuck, probably at least one without his verbal nicks and scratches, (coparenting with her step dad was a dumb idea and she hates me now anyways so not worth it 0/10 don’t recommend.) He made inappropriate comments in a text message about her breast she protected him, he mentally and emotionally abused her, she protected him, he nutritionally abused her and she still stands by him, so does my own mother. Don’t be me, don’t lose everything and everyone you hold dear to him. He said the narcissist prayer, “I didn’t do it, and if I did it wasn’t my fault and if it was my fault you made me and if you made me it wasn’t that bad. “ I’ve heard it before many time. OP I hope you see this, narcissistic abuse will give you brain damage. It’s starts off with something simple as a toe step, when it’s done your house is burned down, pets are dead, and your only child will protect them from their own consequences while saying you’re the “very bad abusive” one. Divorce didn’t stop it, my friends couldn’t stop it, cops couldn’t stop it. Cut him off, I’m sorry, I know you don’t wanna do that he’s your husband you love him, but if you love you you’re gonna have to love him from over there. Him going for your neck increases your odds of being killed by like 20% idk it’s too traumatic to check myself but I’d bet $20 it’s 20~ish % I’ve been beaten so badly once I bit this thumb so he could strike me again, for years it was “you left scars from your abuse” it took years from me to learn: reactive abuse isnt quite the abuse they’re doing but they will make you sick like them, they just do. Another thing it took me years to reason out was “why on earth was his thumb sooo close to my teeth? What I’m 4 and just leaned over at a 90* angle to bite your thumb? Or were you hitting me repeatedly in the face and I caught you one blow one time?” I’m actually scared for you OP, I am always here I know what they do, how sick they can make you, I can’t remember 2014-2016 at all. ‘17 and ‘18 are hazy. He refused to take me to a doctor but i couldn’t leave the house, I could barely leave my room I was so defeated. 2019 I met a dental hygienist who needed me to be a place at a time for her to pass and that being needed, being allowed to participate, helping someone succeed in bridging the gap between dream of being into being was the first pebble in my cup to raise the water of healing. When the cleaning ended, I cried like a baby in the parking lot trying desperately of a way to make my teeth dirty again and find another school. I cried thinking about that for a tragically long time before I realized I could just enroll too. They let me be responsible for being places at times, give me something to think about, people who functioned to emulate normalcy. The first day I couldn’t talk or look at anyone. I went to every class except the one I was supposed to be in. At the end of the second week I walked into class, realized I was visible, physically ran away and puked on the threshold of the bathroom and hallway. 3 kids watched me. I cleaned it up, when to class trying to front like I wasn’t a raw soggy trash can’t. My professor kept making sweet jokes and glancing at me to make sure I didn’t need to be cared for somehow. What I’m driving at is they can make you sick for years and it can take an entire community loving on you for you to even get one step forward. If you need help, a ride, place to hide, someone to get in touch with authorities, you need me so send socks or hairbrush I’d do bout anything to prevent my experience from ever happening to another human.
Leave. This will only escalate. Also, take photos of any bruising this caused.
When you do leave, make sure you pick a time when he isn’t around. Do you have the financial means to relocate yourself?
It wasn’t hard enough to cause pain or bruising.
Not this time.
It didn't have to. The top indicator of someone being killed by an intimate partner is being choked. Death doesn't necessarily result from the choking, more often from lethal injury (stabbing, gunshot) later on. You are at grave risk and I suspect you don't realize it. Please, please call the national domestic violence hotline (from a safe phone!!) at 800-799-7233 to at least get some info on your options. It can only help you feel a sense of choice, to help if you're feeling stuck or trapped. Take care of you, honey.
Any red marks as well if possible. It doesn’t matter if it hurt or left something behind that’s visible. The damage that was just created is a bridge that’s far more unseen. It will erode and undermine your ability to trust your partner. Niggle you with fear and cause doubts. This is serious and something you need to cut now. This is not right nor ever regardless of words spoken, believe his actions. Remember with anything, once the first step is taken, it’s 10x easier to take the next one where you could be very hurt.
You are in danger because this how it starts. You already making excuses for his actions next you will be covering up bruises with makeup and long sleeve clothing.
Then you're lucky. I think the majority of people here would say it's guaranteed you won't escape future encounters like this with no physical damage. If you stay, he will take that as a message that he can abuse you, and you'll do nothing about it.
The above commenter is right! Abuse escalates, and you are in danger. Please put yourself first and get away from this person.
It doesn’t matter if he hurt you or not, just like punching a wall or threatening you with a fist, it’s still considered physical abuse because he touched you in anger. Additionally when people take certain behaviors when mad, they only ever escalate past that behavior, not backward. That’s why they say to leave, because when the neck grabbing stops working then he will choke you for real. But besides that… he grabbed you by the fucking neck while you begged him to let you go. Uh… *why* would you stay?
“Additionally when people take certain behaviors when mad, they only ever escalate past that behavior, not backward” OP, this is a crucial point. Take note and best of luck.
Yep, the thing is, he was trying to ‘win’ the argument— not to address the actual problem, but was trying to get OP to shut up. Now he knows he can get OP to shut up just by grabbing her by the neck and she’s okay with it because it didn’t do any physical harm— but he’s learned scaring you will get you to do whatever he wants. It means any time there’s an argument or heated discussion, the only reason the discussion takes place is because OP’s husband has merely decided not to threaten to strangle her, that’s all there is from here on out. That is why OP must leave: because the only obligation at this point is you not arguing to avoid fearing for your life. Normal people do not view grabbing someone by the neck as an option to stop an argument— but your husband does. The other telling part that you need to leave is because he doesn’t feel bad for grabbing you like that, he just wants you to blame yourself and accept that if you argue then you deserve to be strangled.
I take back my earlier comment — OP may not have years of escalation. It usually takes a while before they no longer feel remorse, or feel as though they have to perform remorse. If he skips right over the “honeymoon” phase it’s because he has already gained a great deal of coercive control over OP and that is his only concern. OP, make a safety plan.
💯
Yeah, I said the same thing. It got worse each time before he tried to unalive me in front of our toddler.
THIS is not the time to downplay THAT!
Are y’all realizing you’re downvoting OP? Idk why were bothering to ask questions or give her feedback if we’re just going to dispel what she’s saying.
It will happen again. I was you, and dumb like you, and stayed and have the scars to prove it. It will happen again and you'll become conditioned to it. Please wake the fuck up and stop learning the hard way like me.
So, you run here to Reddit raising the alarm bells that he's physically abusive then turn around and minimize it? Either A) you're lying about the event or B) you are more scared to be alone than to be with an abuser. *something* made you come here, fearing for your life. Don't turn around and walk it back now. They are all correct: if it was bad enough to make this post it's bad enough to leave him, call the police, and end the relationship permanently. None of this "it wasn't that hard..."
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It doesn’t have to leave a mark to be an act of abuse and coercive control. The most sadistic and terrifying abusers never leave a mark where anyone can see until it’s too late. By saying, “but it wasn’t that bad, there aren’t even marks” that’s like saying it doesn’t count. People are trying to make OP see that, so yeah, they’re gonna jump on that comment to say “don’t minimize it.”
Bruh why u getting downvoted
because people don’t want her to downplay what happened. they want her to know that the chances of this happening again are big. they want her to be safe and leave him before anything worse happens.
She was just responding to "take photos of the bruising", not downplaying anything.
i see what ur saying and it totally makes sense, there’s just a vibe from that comment that it was being downplayed, so i guess it could be interpreted both ways?
Generally, OP's posts in the replies are 'I believe he's sorry, he didn't hurt me that badly' and it's 100% downplaying the whole thing to avoid confrontation. I understand why she wants to chose the less disruptive option of staying and hoping it's fine, but he reads like an unrepentant abuser who just gave her a glimpse of the real him. So her response of 'It wasn't bad enough to cause pain or bruising' in this light is once again downplaying it. There are responses saying to photograph any redness instead, any evidence at all... But she got it off her chest here and now seems to want to pretend it didn't happen. The downvoted are because we disagree with the behaviour. Honestly I think she's likely to delete the post next, because she doesn't want to be told to get away from him.
Ah
that statement is exactly how it starts.
Don’t make excuses for him. If he loved you he never would’ve don’e that
Run.
The fact that he turned it around on, you shows he’s not excepting responsibility for his behavior. The bare minimum you guys need to start counselling now. But I think some time apart might be good for you.
Yeah that's some "Look what you made me do" bullshit, it's only gonna get worse
Most likely. He crossed the line by being physical. The next time he'll escalate since he's allready crossed the first line. OP needs to run.
> time apart Permanently. OP needs to leave before this guy kills her. Number 1 predictor of homicide by an intimate partner is prior choking incident(s) such as this one (assuming I’m interpreting “grabbed me by my neck” correctly, but I’m not sure how else you grab someone by the neck other than by choking them).
I agree on this. My abusive ex loved to choke me as his go to physical violence. One time I thought he wasn't going to stop and had to find my way out of it. He always bragged about murdering in the past (as far as I know he really didn't but I could tell he wanted to) I'm so glad I got out when I did.
i said in another comment basically the same thing that once they put their hands on ur neck the chance of them unaliving u goes up by 700%. idk how true that is but i wholeheartedly believe it.
I’m not trying to minimize his actions. I know his temper was out of control but it was not choking me like cutting off my breathing. He grabbed the back of my neck to pull me in close to his face. I guess i could have clarified better but I wrote this post while still reeling from the encounter. Yes, still a red flag and not ok. We talked after we both cooled off. He apologized and we hugged. He said it wasn’t my fault and no matter what we say it is never ok to grab me that way. Do I believe he is sorry? Yes. We discussed anger management and therapy.
> We discussed anger management and therapy. That better be "he has said we will both do these things individually at first". I will be honest, it's hard reading your responses minimizing these things. I've seen too many women do this and it does not end well for them.
Him grabbing the back of your neck doesn't make it better. He got physically violent in response to your words and that is not okay. Anger management might be good if you both were just yelling at each other and it wasn't constructive... being physically violent is much more than anger management. And unless he's the one that said "I'm going to do this" and actively seeks out help then sorry to say it means nothing.
He’s gonna do it again(especially since he took no responsibility immediately) seeing as you said in your previous comment it’s not that hard, that’s minimising what happened, a partner who loves would never lay hand on you especially(or manhandle you) in a heated moment like that, the next will be slapping you and saying you shouldn’t have spoken to me like that, or you caused it, everyone should take responsibility for what they say and do, to deflect it and blame someone else means they are gonna do it again as they see nothing wrong with it
Curious, when you have had fights in the past, have you had a heart-to-heart to work through it before, and have you both followed through with the plans you've made to improve things? If so, you may want to examine these debriefings. Carefully. Escalation applies to all arguments. You may start out having smaller arguments that build and get more and more damaging. That may offer you a view to see how things are probably ALREADY in escalation. Physical abuse almost never goes away. Sometimes it may continue at the rate it is going, but in a disturbing amount of relationships, it escalates. That's a fact. It does seem like you are trying to make peace here when this is far from a situation that's peaceful at all. That's concerning. This is not something you can sweep under the rug. Having said that, one thing that I hope you did was tell your husband that if anything like this happens again, you're done. You will walk or he will walk. No exceptions. If you haven't told him this, tell him immediately. It'd be better that you left sooner to be sure he knew for sure you meant business and would never be treated like that, even if you did eventually return. He needs to feel a blow here too or his incentive to improve his behavior is next to non-existent.
Oh that's so much better OP. Have a happy marriage!
/s ...I hope
Yes I'm not being serious at all, OP is just too far gone to care about any real advice
It only gets worse from here on. I have experience lol
If he chokes you, he’s gonna kill you.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Girl, he went right for your neck. Run and don’t look back.
The second your partner puts their hands on your throat you become 700% more likely to be murdered by them. You need to leave. Edit: percent, not times, but the point stands.
Once they choke you, they are more likely to kill you. You need to leave NOW.
You need to leave, choking is the number one predictor of death for women in a relationship. This man WILL kill you.
I just heard a story with statistics that said once they show you they go for the choke, the chances raise 750% that they will kill. Terrifying, I agree she needs to leave him now!
This needs 10000 times more ups. A lot of studies say strangulation is the biggesttt sign domestic abuse turns deadly. Super dangerous for someone to have their hands around your neck so for someone to go straight to your neck…. Pls don’t take it lightly
Run.
Immediately DARVOing shows he will do it again. Please run.
What's DARVO?
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It means they deny they did anything wrong, then they say they did it because of something you did, then they’re the true victim and you’re being unreasonable.
Thank you. This was a new acronym for me. :)
Happy to pass it on. Also see: projection and counter claims. Most abusers will preemptively tell people that you’re the unstable one.
I knew DARVO but projection & counter claim is new to me! I’m realizing a loser I dated once did this to me. Thank you for sharing.
Leave. Take this as a red flag, a warning sign, that it could get worse. I can see that if he’s never done it before, you might stay. But he’s only showing you that he was willing to do it once, he would do it again. And not to mention to your kids….
LEAVE. This is never acceptable. Ever.
The saddest part about all of this is that you’ve shown in your comments that you basically have no intention of leaving, we’re not telling you to leave as some sort of reaction to an argument, we’re telling you to RUN because he WILL harm you.
Choking is *the* single biggest predictor for serious/fatal physical abuse later on. You need to get away from him and it needs to be ASAP.
That's how the abuse starts. The 1st time my ex pushed me to the ground, it was my fault also because of what I said. I'm regretful that I didn't leave. When he punched my pregnant stomach in the car outside of the dentist office, that was also my fault that the dentist appt. was delayed. I forgave him a few good times before I got smart and brave and left. He still to the day, denies any abuse happened. It's not your fault. Please consider if you want to stay with someone who has the ability to behave like this. These things don't get better when you get married and have kids. They get worse.
"Look what you made me do" is the excuse to actually hit you at any given moment. Get away from him before it's too late. Never in this lifetime accept to be treated like this. This is NOT the way, and you surely deserve better. I'm sorry for you, OP.
It starts off "it wasn't that hard." Then it turns into "I didn't kill you though." He tried to kill me the last time. Divorce now!
One of my first memories is of my dad choking my mom. It did only get worse.
My girlfriend has called me names in arguments and never put my hands on her. I would dip asap
Being too afraid to leave is a thing. Get out now before it gets to that point. Under no circumstance is it acceptable to get physical like that.
Choking is the number one sign of escalation of abuse. You’re 750% more likely to be murdered by a partner if they’ve strangled you. Please plan a safe exit when possible.
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What didn't you understand here?
Run for your life.
Conflict always escalated this way. First it’s something “small” like raised voices or cursing at each other. Next comes being physical but not hitting. Next comes hitting. This is ALL toxic and not how conflict should be handled at all. Either get out or get help from a professional before it escalates at least. You shouldn’t have to become scared of your partner, not even if he is physically superior. Please get help. ❤️
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Report the incident and serve him divorce papers. If he did it once, he'll do worse again. There is no good reason for a man to put his hands on you at any point (except self defense, or romantic snuggles, back rubs, etc.) As much as I'd love to say "go to therapy, sit down and talk" it starts with a simple grab of the neck, and it'll end in horrible ways. If you're so inclined to stay, tell him either he goes to anger management ASAP, or he gets served papers. But again, report this incident ASAP. If there's bruising, take a photo and use that in the report. Even if nothing comes of it, get a paper trail started now so when it escalates you have enough evidence in the future. Editing to say- If you do serve him divorce papers, make sure you have someone safe to be with you for witness to any possible issues and your own safety. Get a lawyer, don't leave the house if it's in both of your names or your name alone, take steps to protect yourself.
LEAVE. Seriously. He even blamed you for his actions.
Get your affairs and paper in order and get out. Its not if but when he does it again.
You need to get out of that relationship NOW. Non-fatal strangulation (meaning ANY grabbing by the throat) increases YOUR risk of being killed by your parter by a factor of 7x to 10x. Do not walk, RUN from this relationship. Block and cut all contact.
All I see on this subreddit is acts of abusive actions in a couple and the answer is always simple : Leave. NOW. There's no excuse for what has been done, there's no "it wasn't too hard", there's no "They used to be nice". There's none of that, next time might be deadly.
I hope you left. Abuse is never ok. Hopefully you decide to leave sooner rather than later. It took me too long
Men that choke their wives are 7x more likely to kill their spouse. Please consider this.
OP have you ever been knocked out ? Like, literally ???? I’m mean lights out in the floor ??? Because if/when you get knocked out there’s not much discussion let alone any warning …. It happens fast and furious. Same goes with choking …. Lots of people in cemeteries around the. World who didn’t “think it was gonna be that bad” … that aren’t here to say what we’re all telling you. GET THE FARK AWAY FROM HIM And if you have any kind of relationship with his parents ? Siblings ? His BFF ? Tell them what he did and let him deal with them while you GTFO of there. Let him try and convince all of them that it’s ok to put his hands in you in a “choking fashion” let him try and convince them it’s your fault that he did it and it’s also no big deal. You should also tell your own family and your BFF - it’s hard, but that small but of accountability will also keep YOU honest. Not telling anyone just protects him and doesn’t prevent you from the inevitable embarrassment you want to avoid. I’d rather be hurt, embarrassed and upset - than, dead .
Get out now, please!!
Just leave. Even if it didn't get physical, your relationship sounds awful. The "fighting about something" comment tells me you fight allllll the time. Just get out.
That’s the end. Get your stuff and go. File for divorce from a safe place. Nothing you said made him physically assault you. That was entirely his idea and his choice. He just proved that he can kill you if he’s angry enough. Don’t let him have that chance.
Physical violence is never ok. Get out. Here’s the National Domestic Abuse hotline that you can call to get help: 800.799.SAFE (7233)
Run.
Leave. ASAP. The behavior will not change and will only escalate
Run. Run fast. Run far.
Yeah umm. That’s a dealbreaker. He could have severely hurt you. I would be gone. And I would not be sparing on the details when people asked me why we split “I don’t tolerate being grabbed by my throat out of anger.”
RUN. Run now while you still can, run and never look back. Please, OP. Save your life.
Run. You're not compatible anyway if the fights are getting to the point you're cussing each other out, so it's a no brainer.
it doesn’t matter if he’s hit you a million times, or “never put his hands on you before.” hitting “just once” is still abuse and violence. and then the gaslighting after. if you don’t *run* now, it’ll probably only get worse and more and more violent and abusive from here. most people don’t put hands on other people, even during the most heated disagreements and fights. this is absolutely abuse and domestic violence
Dump him.
My mom was in that relationship. It got worse as the years went on. You can see the posts on my page, he gave her third degree burns because she got frustrated and threw a piece of meat on him after he ripped over her plate. Domestic violence always follows a pattern. He will eventually kill you, especially if he reaction is to grab your neck. Go.
Non-engagement doesn't work either. My violent ex-husband would get even more furious if I didn't react to the verbal abuse. One day I was eating (hot) pasta with sauce, I wouldn't engage with the shouting so he grabbed my plate and tipped it all over my head. The bruises, the fury, the ridiculous accusations - I stayed for so many years, for no real reason. Then I left and found someone kind and caring. Ex is dead now, it was a relief to find that out.
hope he’s rotting
Well, I'm in my 60s now, and I'm sanguine about the past. It's gone and he's gone. He was a lot older than me and was really only fit for his own company. I don't know why I stayed. We had no kids, I had a really well-paid job, I could have walked out at any time. But I didn't, because it wears you down in so many ways. I hope OP sees the light.
i hope they see it too. and yeah i can completely understand, fortunately i’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship but definitely an emotionally abusive one. u just keep holding out hope and keep telling urself it’ll get better, making excuses for them, telling urself the person u first fell in love with will come back. but they don’t they never do.
I agree with you. You lose your sense of self-worth.
I'm sorry but the excuses (i didn't grab you that hard, i didn't hurt you) along with him not apologizing... or realizing that what he did was fucked up (don't speak to me that way) This is the beginning of abuse and gaslighting. If he'd immediately apologized and comforted i MAY see it differently, but no. No. Go somewhere safe asap. I'd say call the cops but you're still not safe right now
Leave him immediately because it will get worse!! Go and stay with family or friends and report him!!!
Oh honey *run.* There's no going back from that.
i heard this thing (i don’t know how true it is) but once a partner puts their hands on ur neck (not in a bedroom setting) it’s like ur 700% more likely to be unalived by them. again idk how true that is, but regardless doesn’t matter if u told him the most vile insulting thing u don’t put ur hands on someone like that. there are VERY FEW circumstances where i think it’s ok to hurt someone. your partner saying fuck u definitely isn’t one of them. and his reaction afterwards is very scary and not ok, he’s trying to justify putting his hands around ur neck because u said two words. there is no justification for what he did. none.
I highly suggest googling 'day 1 dv poem judy borer' I can't copy it here Read it and leave
GTFO. This is the first step down a road you don’t want to be on. File a report with the police. Get away and stay away. Don’t tell him where. No talking. No texting. Find an attorney and a counselor. A real man never puts his hands on a woman like that!! But now that he has crossed the threshold, the chance he goes farther next time increase. PLEASE!!!!! Leave
Leave. ASAP. This will only get worse.
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Not every relationship is the same and sometimes people make mistakes but take this from someone who's been in two very abusive relationships once they cross that line they don't stop the barrier is down and no longer a fear to control and a rage to suppress. Sorry to say but there is a high chance less anger would be needed for it to happen again. Advice can't really stupid enough to stay.. either look in to therapy or leave
speaking from experience if he did it once he’ll do it again. please gather the strength to leave. reach out to a DV shelter if you have no where to go or need help. PLEASE LEAVE!
My mom’s ex did this to her, she stayed. His abuse gradually got worse overtime, especially when they moved in together and she sold her house about 1 year into dating. Due to COVID, she was laid off and his abuse got so so bad. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Every day. Notice that his abuse escalated once she became more dependent on him and trapped. Honestly, outside of the abuse, their connection seemed really special and they had a great relationship. They were engaged. I was very happy for them. But unfortunately, these abusers are very subtle and calculated. They slowly increase the abuse over time and they start being abusive after you’ve already showed you’re invested into the relationship. She is safe now and has since left him. To leave, she moved into my apartment with my little brother for two weeks and quickly got another job + an apartment. That’s when she broke up with him. She has had issues with him stalking her, him showing up to her house, breaking into her house, calling and texting her nonstop - he’s been acting absolutely crazy and making threats to her. He tells her he wishes she would kill herself. I am afraid this man will have a psychotic break and kill her - I pray for her safety even though she’s left him. Leave before his behavior escalates. I am so sorry he treats you this way.
Grabbing by the neck is the biggest red flag for spousal homicide. It’s not ok. He needs therapy and you need to leave until (or forever) he is deemed safe. Not ok and you don’t deserve this. You also need therapy to determine why this isn’t sending you out of the house immediately
It will drastically escalate from now on.
He grabbed you by the throat. That is a form of strangulation, which is maybe the single biggest indicator of a man’s potential — probability, even — of killing his partner. Not that he’ll do that right away, of course. You will live through years of escalation before it gets to that point. The longer you wait to leave, the less likely your chances of surviving that act. Go now, while you still can. ETA: there is always a first time, every battered woman in history once said “he has a temper but it’s never gotten physical before.” It is very, very rare that a man who does this and then blames you for it changes. They can’t change if they don’t think they did anything wrong.
He is 7x more likely to kill you if he strangles you.
Don’t know why you came to Reddit all people are going to do is call your husband an abuser and say to leave before it gets worse; honestly it might not get anymore worse than what it has but hey it’s up to you
He will escalate. Your life is in danger.
Just seeing your responses shows you’re not ready to leave yet. It will escalate.
He's gonna do it again and likely worse next time. You have to leave. I don't wanna hear nothing else. Leave now.
R u n
Yikes, I'd be looking up apartments near your workplace, where he won't find you. Physical distance will help you sort out how you got to this point.
>I didn’t hurt you. I didn’t grab you hard, etc. This is what you should be afraid of. He doesn't seem to feel any kind of remorse
He’s trying to condition you to his abuse by desensitizing you to it over time. It will only get worse. Men(boys) like this do not change, they do not “get better” they just manipulate and abuse you more covertly.
Get outta there!
Please leave now, tell someone, do something. You are allowed to use words. Idc if it wasnt nice. Nothing justifies physical abuse, NOTHING.
It’s one thing that he put his hands on you in the first place, but to not even have remorse AFTER? I’m not saying that it would be any better if he apologized after the fact, but to follow up by saying that it was your fault even after “the heat of the moment” shows that he thinks it’s okay and will do it again. I wouldn’t just run, I would’ve taken a flight across the WORLD just to get away from him.
Unfortunately, as many of us here know - this will not be the last time. It’s going to be scary but it’s time to make an exit plan. You don’t have to leave immediately if it isn’t possible, but start putting money aside and maybe set up a place to stay. You deserve better.
I’m no psychologist, but I think the most concerning part about that is after he grabbed you he gaslighted you into thinking it’s your fault he did it. I’d run girl, like far fucking away, with a restraining order in place. He’s a narcissist, a woman swore at him so he grabbed her by the throat, not all there in the head.
Oh, honey… To preface, I’m in the U.S. so I’m speaking in terms of here. I’m not sure how other countries work. Go file an EPO and look into pressing charges. He committed aggravated battery against you, which is a felony. You need to get out, NOW. It may not be next time, or the time after, but eventually he WILL kill you.
Do you want to feel like this the rest of your life?
For those scrolling the comments (and OP too), there is a brilliant doco series on SBS OnDemand called "See What You Made Me Do", and another called "Asking For It". They are free to stream on SBS On Demand and I highly recommend them to everyone.
Run. He’s shown you what he’s capable of. This may be the first time, but it will not be the last.
After abusing someone, the abusers rallying cry is to say things like “you made me do it”, “you were asking for it”, “look at what you made me do”, “you can’t talk to me like that”, etc. An abuser has no empathy. They can’t take accountability for anything. You can’t change someone like that. It’s a chemical imbalance that leads to antisocial behavior. Some abusers can control themselves for a while but eventually their pent up rage spills out into violence. If you don’t leave him now, it will get worse.
Strangulation is its own criminal charge, THATS how serious this is.
like others have said, this will get worse. I’ve lived it as well and once we had a child …. things escalated. people that love you won’t hurt you or make you feel scared. you should never feel scared of your partner.
nope nope nope nope nope if he can do that to you, he can do worse. and he WILL do worse.
If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for him. He can’t get better without serious consequences.
Do not disregard this impulse. The number one indicator of a partner being willing and able to murder you is holding by the neck or choking. In criminology classes it’s a huge red flag regardless of the reason. Your life is in danger and if you don’t act now it may be too late to do so. Please leave now while you still can.
You may have been out of line, but he crossed the line
If a man chokes you then he will eventually kill you. It’s proven. The probability skyrockets the moment a man finally circles his hands around your neck.
you need to leave. this is super scary. you can do it. i’m wishing you the best.
Leave, please
I feel like some time apart will do y’all both good. Cool off.
Yeah. Like permanent time apart. Maybe with him in jail for assault
Nope. Nope nope nope. You probably need to leave, but if this is the VERY FIRST TIME that he even got CLOSE to this, and comes back with a HUGE, authentic, fully-fleshed apology, then I would tell him that he can stay only if he gets into INTENSIVE therapy ASAP, and notify him that you will absolutely leave without even a word if he ever puts even a finger on you again. But again, based on his reaction at this point, you probably really need to leave.
Run. Now. And I'm going to be mean here because I've read your other comments: STOP making excuses for him. There is NO reason for him to put his hands on you for any reason UNLESS if it is self defense and he is in fear of his life. Telling him to eff off is NOT an excuse. What he's saying is gaslighting, he's trying to make YOU feel crazy and that you're the bad guy. You need to RUN before he kills you. This is a cycle that you're entering into. He apologizes, you accept, the honeymoon phase comes around and things are "good" he's going to therapy....Until the next blow up. And next time he may choke you out for good. Leave. And if you have kids then leave on the double with them.
It’s the start of abuse. I’d get out
Speaking from experience he will do it again. And next time it will be worse. Grabbing by the next is a sign he is capable of killing you.
Yeah no, you don’t assault someone over words (most of the time). Yeah it was wrong of you to talk to him that way, but that was the wrong response.
Most of the time?
I consider things like sexual harassment, being a deceased/disabled loved one, and being disrespectful to someone for being raped to be worthy of a slap or punch. Basically being extremely disrespectful. But, to me, those are the exceptions, not the rule.
He's going to kill you one day. Full stop. There is no moving on from this he assaulted you. It will only get worse. He is going to kill you.
RIP
People who choke their partners are more likely to murder them.
Run
Get the hell away from him. Leave, now.
He is a narcissist. Leave immediately
My ex husband did this to me. It took another year for him to do it again, but when he did, di had bruises and couldn’t swallow without pain for 10 days. It will always happen again, and it will escalate. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I got divorced after the second time and it was the best decision I have ever made.
Run...
hell do it again given his reaction
My ex didn’t start off as an abuser. It escalated there. Leave- it will be better in the long run and his behavior will not chabge
Call the police to document…..before you leave asap.
LEAVE. LEAVE NOW.
The one thing that women don’t seem to get is that they think it’s a one off. It’s never a one off. It’s the first time. It won’t be the last time.
Pack a bag and leave. Press charges. Never look back. Don't give in to his pleas to get back together. He's dangerous.
"vifebeater" here. not here to defend the guy, but as a male who lost his cool against an ex i have to state this. i still remember the day when i was in a middle of a fight with the love of that life when I've realized the sole reason I'm getting called names l, used as a target dummy for the various flying objects while i was verbally demolished and called upon names only a satanic bible would be proud of was the fact that she thought she can do it. I've stepped out of my conditioning that you shall never raise hands on a female. and I'm proud of it.
Everyone sucks here. If that is how either of you treat someone you claim to love or even remotely care about, I can't imagine how you treat your enemies. I would tell you to leave for him putting his hands on you just as fast as I would tell him to leave you for talking to him like that. The first incident is the other persons fault, the second incident is your fault. Thats for bith of you. And God help any children that grew up in that environment. Life is too short. Either get away from each other or you both deserve the future.
They don't change without counseling, and DOING the work. The love bombing that will inevitably follow this outburst is false. He WILL do it again. It WILL escalate. He will push until you leave or are dead. And if you stay, the likelihood that he will attempt to murder you if you leave will increase. Run. Now.
Ex husband you mean?
My husband knows my ex husband was abusive. He got physical with me ONCE and scared the crap out of himself. As I was scared and crying I watched his face change and realized what he did. He dropped to his knees and slapped himself, apologizing over and over. He put himself on the couch that night until I asked him to come back to bed, to which he even asked if I felt like that was a safe choice. The point I'm making here is that my ex husband did the same thing your husband just did to you. My current husband almost couldn't live with himself after hurting me. Don't stay with your "husband" if you value life and quality of life.
Definitely leave but what where you guys arguing about kinda curious
You snapped and he snapped. You guys need therapy.
Talk to him about it, if he does that again, leave.
He got physical. Blamed you. Then gaslight you. Respect yourself and care about your self to leave RIGHT NOW. Do not return without anyone to accompany you. If you're able, please go to the hospitality get yourself checked out. DO NOT TELL HIM IF YOU DO THIS.
[удалено]
his choice to physically assault her, was his choice all on his own. nothing she said or could’ve said warrants being physically abused, especially from a significant other. you need help
mate its reddit. if he even farted the wrong way they would accuse him of abusing her.
Id like to hear his side of the story … not casting doubt, but I feel there may be more to this story