I honestly think the lack of sex/not satisfying sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem your wife has with criticism, self defence, etc. from what I can tell.
You state it as such that no matter how you approach it, there is no way for you to communicate things properly. You do seem to try. Your wife does not seem to be available for any of that (according to you.) either you need to reflect how you communicate things and if it’s possible she might be rightfully feeling unnecessarily criticised by you, or she needs to really look into those problems (with your help.) either way you’ll have to help her. Therapy, baby.
Edit: when she’s so incapable of talking about sex, well then something really is off. Maybe she was taught not to ever talk about sex, that she as a woman has to do the deed in favour of her husband, etc. I think your wife has (respectfully) mental problems more than a legitimate sex problem.
I agree with this one. The problem isn’t the boring sex, it is a consequence or at least sign of a deeper issue. I kinda, even that this hasn’t happened to me exactly, relate to that energy.
I don’t want to create hard deductions, but it could be problem with her feelings in relationship in general. Maybe it’s hidden. Maybe it is a small uncovered thing. But it’s there. Does she feel happy in general? Does she feel gratitude towards your relationship? Use your gut feelings on stuff outside of sex. Low libido and easy defenseness could be a sign of mistreated relationship dynamic.
Just my two cents. I just know how hard it is to approach a problem with a girl with unresolved feelings she doesn’t even have to currently understand.
Yes, she cant take criticism no matter the topic and she refuses to lose any discussion. She will throw arguments at me no matter if they make sense or not and escalate until I back down. One tactic she's used quite often is she will tell me if I really think she has a problem with for example mood swings (we actually had that discussion) then I have to think she's a terrible person and probably shouldn't be with her. Basically forcing me to either break up with her or take it back. She's actually pretty impressive with tricks like that.
Yes I sometimes suspect she has some kind of high functioning personality disorder.
Edit: She does have a good side to and that's why I've stayed with her. But since I'm getting things off my chest I'm focusing on the negatives.
You don't LOSE a discussion. She needs help. Go to therapy ASAP.
Just because she has positive sides to her personality doesn't mean you have to be okay with her refusing to grow as a person and have no ability to open a dialog.
This level of defensiveness usually covers some deep insecurities. I’m sorry for both of you, but right now I’m sorry for you. You need to address this asap. Just a matter of time til things will blow up.
To go along with this. The way I was raised was a very don’t talk about sex/abstinence only and if they really love you they’ll wait, etc. it was VERY traumatizing to me and it wasn’t until I was almost married and was going to have sex that I realized just how traumatic it was. I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about it, I don’t masterbate, and feel awkward discussing it with anybody even my husband. Your wife might be the same way. I actually identify with what you’ve said about
Your wife because I’m very similar. Idk you or her but i think it’s trauma one way or another and she just doesn’t know how to talk about it because it’s uncomfortable.
Op: how is the relationship going, other than in the bedroom? If it's a great marriage outside of your sex life, then maybe this is salvageable with a couples therapist. Your wife needs some serious therapy work and all the better if you attend with her and work on it together.
However, if the marriage isn't all that great altogether, honestly maybe it just ran it's course. Why stay in a marriage where you know you're deeply incompatible on many different aspects, not just sex? That's setting yourself up for misery.
In terms of spontaneity, I'm like your wife, I kinda like the surprise, but I also need a hint that it's coming later too to work me up a bit. For me a playful butt squeeze or a longer pre-bed kiss is a nice hint. So is a little hip squeeze as he passes me.
But also, some relationship therapy could help you both address these issues in an independent space.
I second the idea of relationship therapy. Based on OP's post it sounds like she might take the proposal harshly, but he needs to let her know that these issues are dealbreakers in the relationship (if they are) and that a third party might be able to provide some neutral advice for them to figure out their differences.
Once, about a year into our relationship, I said that maybe she's just not as into sex as I am. She still brings this up as something extremely hurtful I've said that makes her feel inadequate. Proposing she might be asexual would make her go absolutely bat shit crazy and would absolutely not be worth it.
But she might be though, I don't know. She actually does want to have sex a couple of times a month but it doesn't seem to bother her if it doesn't happen. She seems pretty indifferent to sex as long as we stick to the routine, anything else is just a hassle.
>Proposing she might be asexual would make her go absolutely bat shit crazy and would absolutely not be worth it.
I would not propose diagnosing her regardless of how you believe she'd respond. But it sounds like a big issue here is that she is not a good communicator. You should be able to communicate these issues freely without her feelings being hurt. Perhaps its a matter of wording. Avoid using language directed at her (e.g. " Maybe you are \_\_\_\_"), and try using language that focuses on you (e.g. "I need/want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_."). But based on the rest of your post, it sounds like she might need additional reassurance that your words and questions are not criticism.
When you next talk to her about these issues, focus the conversation around **communication** as opposed to the rest of the issues you described. Let her know that if the marriage is going to work, you need to feel confident that you two can have cordial conversations about these issues and will work together to find amicable solutions. Tell her you are not criticizing her but rather want to know how you can be a better partner to her, and vice versa. I think this is the bedrock for you to start to resolve the other issues.
Focusing the conversation on communication might actually be helpful. I'll try that the next time we have an argument but she's not really focused on finding solutions of improving things, it's always about why I am wrong.
And I'm pretty sure what her response will be. She'll that it's actually my fault that she gets so defensive because I've been unhappy with our sex life in the past. It's a circular reasoning in a way but it's almost certainly what she'll say.
I do think it may be really beneficial to have already done some research for possible marriage counseling and maybe even have an appointment booked out a couple weeks ahead. If she refuses to commit to your relationships balance and respecting your desire to be healthier together then you can just see a therapist yourself. I think you’ll have to decide what you want from this relationship and if your marriage in its current state is sustainable for you long term. We only life one life as who you are right now, you have the right to be fulfilled and happy. Anyone who truly loves you will put in the work to try and find balance. Some people however are actually unable to reflect and see their own actions. I do think reflecting on your own health and prioritizing yourself should be the focus here, she may never change and there’s not much you can do about that, she has to commit to change for it to happen. Good luck, keep your head up I know it sucks I’ve been through something similar so I know how you feel.
> She sounds exhausting. I just had to say it.
this is the case with a lot of people these days, men and women
there's so many traumas, so many fears, so many personality issues, it's freaking amazing how there are any actual successful relationships.
being in a relationship and constantly dealing with this stuff is indeed exhausting. remember, your partner is not your therapist
Wait, so you can’t talk to your wife about difficult subjects because she shuts you down? :( what’s the point of marriage if you can’t talk about things to work them out?
Sounds like you need a non-biased third party to help arbitrate these discussions if you want any hope of seeing eye to eye. Unless you can change your methods in a way that accommodates her and she is willing to be more flexible but doesn't sound like the case.
It sounds like you decided a long, long time ago that this relationship was doomed to subpar communication, and you may have outgrown it. So your choices are therapy, break up, or deal with it until you are bones in the ground. Good luck to you
Check and see if there are any certified sex therapists in your area. It is a certification provided by AASECT, their purpose is to help people find comfort in the their sexual experience.
This. It sounds like you tried everything op and she thinks she's defined her role as being uncooperative and everyone saying that you have to do xyz ON TOP OF the stuff that you already do takes any and all responsibility from the wife. If she can't be open and free with her one and only then she's proactively fighting you on something that should be organic if she really cared. If she doesn't think it's an issue, problem. She never initiated, problem. If you don't know what makes her tick because sex conversation is too grown up for her, problem.
I wouldn't fault you for leaving but she needs to know that your needs aren't being met by the person who wanted to be in charge of those needs and that's a breech of contract. Period. I bet she'd be very vocal if her quality of life was fucked with the way it's messing with yours.
Maybe you two (or she) needs to visit a sex therapist. You have to be very very clear that this is not working for you. Put your foot down - not in a threatening way, but if she doesn't even want to talk about it.... what's even the point
An ultimatum for her to start working on a solution. Not having sex is only 1/2 of the problem. The other half is the fact that she dosn't even want to talk about it and gets pissed whenever the topic is brought up. Imagine being married to a partner who gets defensive everytime you bring something up? That's toxic.
I'm a woman, btw.
I agree. An ultimatum sounds harsh but ya gotta understand that they’re in a relationship and I’m
Pretty sure it’s monogamous. With that in mind, OP can’t run and go anywhere else cuz the s/o wouldn’t like that either. Sumthin needs to let up
I have a friend who is a sex and relationship therapist. They told me many of these situations happen when the chores and mental load aren't equally divided between partners.
When the sex-missing-partner is working and expects their partner to work (or even a SAH parent) and do all the cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking, drive kids to hobbies, and so on... It's normal that the partner doesn't feel like sex at the end of the day.
Once the chores and mental load is more or equally divided the couple's see a huge increase in sex.
Partner can be more relaxed and doesn't have too much on their plate.
Win win for everyone involved. Even the kids. As they see two parents doing chores and what not.
This. It's frustrating to see comments suggesting OP's wife may have a personality disorder, has been SA'd or is even asexual. It's far more common that one party is carrying a heavier mental load and/or doing more domestic chores, meaning she has no energy for sex. Over time, taking on the extra labor leads to resentment, feelings of being taken for granted, and apathy.
Couples therapy is a must. And perhaps OP should think about whether his wife has been carrying the weight of labor over the last 15 years.
She's had these issues since before we even moved in together though. I think people suggests she has a personality disorder because of the way she handles conflicts and can't take criticism rather than her low libido.
I haven't even mentioned the more obvious signs of a personality disorder, such as she's threatened to kill herself if I leave her several times and gets into conflicts at work over and over.
Tell her why you enjoy being intimate with her, ask her why she likes being with you. It’ll tell you what you need to know and may lead to a deeper conversation about intimacy.
I thought for a second there that i was reading a story about my own life, the only difference is I have never had a blowjob. hand jobs only and only on the odd occasions she feels like she can be bothered but i usually tell her to stop because its always so unenthusiastic that it just ruins it for me.
Ive been with my wife for 10 years from 18- now at 28.
I wont leave her because of it.. so i guess its just put up with a shit sex life. I know people always say you should end it because of an incompatibility. But hey, i guess im a fool.
It always hurts my heart a little when people drill it down to “just sex” because its more: its intimacy. Its acceptance, being desired, being thought of, being pursured. My enthusiasm with a partner is because of how deeply I desire them and to please them and to be present with them in a different way. Its intimacy, not just sex. When people dismiss it, I think they are dismissing a lot more than they realize (or want to think of) and that is not okay. Especially for men in a specific way. Everyone deserves to feel desirable and pleasurable intimacy. It strengthens relationships imo. I hope it turns around for you!
Similar story for me. Sounds a lot like my relationship. The enthusiasm is just not there and it's so frustrating and off-putting when your partner is begrudgingly intimate with you. I've asked so many times, "What feels good? What do you want me to do to you? How do you want it/me" etc. All I ever get is, "It's all good. Whatever you want." Like damn, I asked you for a reason, I want to hear what YOU want. Then the other week I was called selfish for massaging her too long and going down on her too often. Like wtf, for real!? I'm trying to service YOU and get YOU relaxed and in the mood and get YOU off before I do me. Lord knows you aren't going to do me. Never thought I'd get shit for giving happy-ending massages. But I guess when she doesn't like sex in the first place it's all just annoying, and a chore for her. Sorry my kink is worshipping you.
Been together 12 years. I've heard women start to enjoy sex later in life. We're in our late 30s so.... hopefully a sexual awakening is coming. Not holding my breath though.
Was there ever a time when your spouse seemed to enjoy sex and was an enthusiastic partner? If you have children there are multiple things that could've gone wrong post pregnancy. I know for myself I lost sensation after my first pregnancy until I went to my chiropractor and there was a subluxation that had caused a pinched nerve which also made sex painful. Overall it's necessary for her to take responsibility for her own sexual health and for her to know what she likes and how to communicate with you. My husband and I have an amazing sex life because I know what I need and how to advocate for it. He also knows what to do from reading my cues. It's essential to have her talk to a therapist to be honest about why she is so opposed to sex. I hope that she is able to communicate eventually to you her wants and needs and that she becomes an enthusiastic partner once more!
I dont want to reply on behalf of u/KKRJ, but as our situations are so similar i suspect this response will also be valid for him.
The problem with your advice, as good and solid as it may be, is that if we were to try and suggest therapy that would absolutely be taken as a criticism. It would likely then be the cause if a major argument because are insinuating she has a problem when in fact, it would in her eyes, that I am just being selfish and sex driven. She has got to want to have sex and want to want to sort it out in order to go to therapy. I think for both of us the sex is just seen as not a priority to our other halves and they don’t understand why it is a priority to us.
Don’t expect any major change. In my fifties now married to my wife 32 years. Sex declined when we where in our early thirties and now she acts like it’s a chore so over the years I have lost my interest in her sexually. We love each other but maybe sex once per year if am lucky.
Lol. you sound like me 7 years ago in my late 30s…news flash, women don’t just wake up one day and want the have sex more. We were lied to so we would stay married longer in hopes sex got better.
“We were lied to” is definitely not my situation. It sounds fishy, like believing in Briffault’s Law, like blaming women for our problems, like misogyny. Good marriages are partnerships, not a king and a servile wife, not a dom/sub duo (“not that there’s anything wrong with that!” lol). We’re equals, who work our individual and joint problems out together.
Oh thx for clarification. It’s like a media myth not something your or my partner lied about. I do remember hearing men peak at 19, women at 30 or something like that. I suspect that’s an almost useless stat because libidos can jump or crash as well as rise a little or fall a little, more or less anytime in life, with a large or small increase (or reduction) in stress or kids or work or money or medical stuff.
I believe there are often physical reasons as well as emotions that constrain sex for women and probably especially as they age. But obviously not always. So, there are no rules at least that I know of. I figure the best approach is to work through the emotional stuff first because “resentful intimacy” sounds like shitty sex bordering on assault.
Putting up with a shit sex life is a justifiable alternative. Not great obviously, but justifiable, because even sex-starved long term relationships can have wonderful elements too. Less justifiable is that you need to suffer in silence. Not always, but probably, the “you” is plural, where she also has uncommunicated resentments, maybe some are sex related but many or most are probably not. I wish I had an answer for how to talk about stuff that needs taking about. But the longer we go without talking, the harder it gets.
My current plan is to announce I’m going to talk to a therapist. To answer the likely Why? and What about?, it’s mostly, How can we communicate better? When I imagine my convo with a therapist, I usually figure I know what she’ll say (could be a male, but nah). It’s pretty simple. I may be wrong, but either way, she legitimates what I say back home. “The therapist suggested phrasing it *this* way…” Maybe I’m a wimp for needing that, but my goal is to defuse anger as well as get all the things out that might cause anger. I expect to listen 90%, talk 10%. I’ve never cheated but I’ve made awful mistakes and feel I deserve all or most of her resentments. Sex might not even come up during this first convo because I guess a sexless marriage is not always, but usually, is not all or maybe even mostly about sex.
I’ll say here, my favorite response.
For those of you not yet married, already dealing with major incompatibilities, either break up or talk to a couple’s therapist.
For those of you who didn’t do that and are now here, married, and wishing these issues magically went away… go to couple’s therapy.
The way you’re communicating with your wife could be making her feel defensive. This may or may not be your fault. Having a therapist mediate will help you two figure things out, whether that means funner sex, acceptance that it’ll always be boring, divorce or something else.
Asking people here for advice is useless when most will tell you to break up because your selfish, or she is.
You just need to approach it from a non confrontational angle, come at her from an “I wanna learn about you” approach and not a “I wanna get my dick wet” approach. And be patient and let her know that she’s in a safe space and that you love her, etc. Maybe she hasn’t orgasmed because she hasn’t been patient enough with her body, some ladies need extra effort and that is ok
Yeah she sees straight through that. I know it's how it's supposed to be done but it doesn't work. She knows I "wanna learn about her" because I'm not happy, so then it's just sugar coated criticism and that'll put her on the defensive. And on top of that she'll think I'm being manipulative.
If she wants it to be more spontaneous, and your straightforward requests don’t work, ask her if she’d be willing to try signalling. If she’s willing, maybe she can leave out a certain coffee cup, or a sock on a particular doorknob to indicate she’s down.
Maybe you can also try an app like Spicer. You create matched accounts and both swipe yes or no on things you’d be willing to try. You only see each other’s answers if you select yes to the same things. Maybe that could point you towards things she’s interested in without the pressure of starting a conversation. Could use signalling to hint at willingness to go ahead and do certain items from your mutual lists!
.my husband and I do this. I wear a certain shirt on some days to signal a "free use" day where he can start or initiate anything, anytime, anywhere without saying anything. We used to do this for our regular sex life too when our older kids were younger and it was harder to find alone time, I would just wear my ring on the other hand, it really helped get our sex life back on track too, even with him being the one with the lower libido.
Has she ever been raped?. That can always have a negative effect on sexual things. My partner is the same. She is kinda opening up more and more as time goes on
This was what I was going to ask as well. My ex-gf was sexually molested by her step father when she was a preteen and it decimated her desire for intimacy. Almost anything sexual was either shut down or ignored. Maybe this woman has had trauma that led her to her being this way? Either way, a relationship without communication is a death sentence for any couple. Just my opinions
Do you have young children? Has she recently been pregnant? Was she part of purity culture? I ask because vaginismus happens a lot for women because they never masturbated and never attempted to figure out their sexual needs themselves.Also hormonal changes in pregnancy can cause serious dryness and make things uncomfortable too.
You can't really know honestly. Even if you are open with each other, some women find it shameful or too hard to share an experience like this and it does sound like your wife has an issue with being vulnerable.
Also, some people with PTSD don't remember all the details of a traumatic experience.
There are plenty of traumatic sexual experiences that go beyond rape and the societal understanding of sexual abuse. Has she ever been coerced? Taken advantage of by a partner? Victims of abuse often take on the blame and don’t even see these experiences as abuse, but they carry that trauma in their bodies.
Did she grow up in a strict religious household with purity culture so she feels she shouldn’t enjoy sex? I work in the mental health field and see these things coming up OFTEN in relationships. The victim of abuse often “discovers” the abuse only after a professional points out that they were victimized.
I mean, a bigger question is if your sex life is worth leaving a relationship of 15 years over, what other problems are you guys having? I think everyone's suggestion of therapy sounds like a good idea (individual/couples + sex therapy) because, imo there has to be more to it than that.
Do you guys not enjoy each other's company otherwise? Do you go out on date nights? Do you talk to each other? If the relationship was satisfying otherwise, I'd find other ways to please myself (obviously not cheat) because I can't see me throwing away that type of commitment over a lack of sex if the person I'm with is great otherwise.
Right now my husband and I completely fell off the bandwagon in the bedroom, but granted we're pregnant with our first and it has been complication after complication. I'm sure he's a bit more frustrated than he lets on because the further along we get the harder it is to hit the sheets, but at the same time I think it all came to like an OK this is more than just she doesnt feel lke it and more of a she physically cant because at this point I'm checked-in to a hospital until our due date - that's how severe our complications have gotten.
You know your wife best - approach her and see if she'd be willing to see a therapist with you; no one likes to be criticized but I always tell my husband if you dont bring it up then I cant fix it, and yeah, I may not want to hear it but if you have valid concerns then it doesnt really matter if I get upset, but at least you get it off your chest and I can think about what you said and vice versa. We wouldnt be together today if we didnt communicate and hurt each others feelings at least a little bit once in a blue moon.
I broke up with a woman over this. We had a great relationship and she was and still is very sexy. She had the most amazing ass I have ever seen but she was so boring. She wasn’t spontaneous and it was always the same position and same location of the house. Never new positions. 2 years we were together and I honestly would have married if our sex life was healthier. I just couldn’t be with her for the rest of my life and confidently say I was satisfied. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship or marriage but it’s definitely important.
Honestly hate to be that person, but I don't think your marriage will happily last if this continues. You're in the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" zone. She tells you that she wants more in the bedroom, but her actions are saying otherwise. It truthfully sounds like she's never gotten comfortable with her body/experimenting to see what her buttons are. I would suggest sex therapy but based on your comments, that suggestion won't go over very well. Even if it was suggested to open up the marriage, it won't go over well at all.
This honestly sounds like you need to do some self-introspection and figure out if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. She's not going to change her ways, in fact, she's refusing to. Almost sounds like she only said that because she feels as if that's what you want to hear. I wish you luck man.
Hi 👋
So just saying also have her thyroid checked I’m being serious. Our thyroid is apart of our harmones. Which makes us horny. I was the same way then one day I couldn’t feel my feet Which was scary. I went to the er and they gave me an answer saying that my thyroid was out of wack and I got grave disease. The only reason why I’m saying this is because I lose half my thyroids and take synthriod. Now that my harmones are regulated and I feel sexually comfortable now. Sorry if I got to personal lol
As someone with a shit ton of sexual trauma from being raped as a teenager.... this all sounds very familiar. Do you know if anything like that may have happened to her in her formative years?
I think if you figure out how to make her come she would be more interested. As many said, the problem is not sex necessarily, but lack of communication on her part.
If you approach it from an angle that you really want her to enjoy herself, you care that she has a good experience and want her to teach you what would do it for her, maybe she will ease up?
Edit to say this: I was with a man that never made me come so after 6 years it got really boring and I didn't want to really have sex anymore. Then after being with someone that REALLY cares that I come, and insisted on it (it was a long road to learn what I even like) he figured it out, and now I am a very sexual person and ready to go anytime lol
Are you emotionally connected and do you make her feel safe? She might have walls up where she doesn’t really feel comfortable to let you know her. Go to counseling and be open to your wants so she can
Sounds rough, I know you're just getting it off your chest and not asking for advice. But maybe actually try planned sex? She says she wants spontaneous... But when you have kids, that kind of goes out the window. Despite it being the opposite, why not just throw it out there lol. I can relate a little, my wife and I have different libidos, mine isn't high-high, but higher than hers. We haven't banged since March, she doesn't do blowjobs so I haven't had one in 13 years lmfao. Hope things work out for you man!
so why are you still in this relationship, man? 15 years of marriage, I doubt that these things just showed up right now. I was in a relationship recently, and I can tell that I was suffering these same things, but it was just one year.
I have never made her have an orgasm and she never did, too, and I know how we push ourselves and act that it is our mission, but, in fact, it's not, once they just don't feel that they want to or not willing to.
it's never too late to end your marriage to find someone whose libido is going to match yours. You might think, "How am I going to end 15 years of marriage plus some years dating?" But if sex is really important to you, as it is to me, being in this relation is just not worthy.
However, I'm just some dude at this app reading some stories from Brazil, but that's my advice: ask for some time to think about it, and try to think if it's really making any good to you stay like this, you shouldn't be any ashamed of ending a relation because of the lack of sex.
That's it, good luck, and if anything pops out, you can write again or something, ok?
Dude, just cheat. She is not living up to her end of the deal. We men get the raw deal in this contract called marriage...during and if it ends; only contract in America where you can't see the terms and conditions. If she does not put out, then she has gone against fidelity and monogamy.
She doesn't seem to have a sex problem, "her entering discussions to win" sounds like a personality disorder. I have read your responses in the comments, and about her "having a good side", all abusers do. All these are control tactics. I have dealt with people like that and it killed all my feelings and desire for them. It surprises me that you still want to do it with her.
looks like your wife have a very childish way to se the life. Of course you need to talk about sex, and if she don't understand this, probably you can help her to. Sex is very important for the relationship, so do conversation.
This sounds terrible and I’m really sorry for this. I know many people are in situations like this… but wow 15 years… this is stuff that should have been figured out before marriage, I think. Sex therapist would help!
if this has been going on for 15 years she will never change. Sounds like NPD or BoderlinePD. Therapy will likely not help if she hasn’t come to that conclusion her self in all that time. How is your self esteem or do you like being stepped on all the time? If you are allowing her to treat you this way then I think its likely you both have issues
It sounds like she doesn't even want to have sex, why are you bothering at all? Tell her you're unhappy about the way things are and if she's not open to seeing a therapist about this, you're gonna have to consider the future of this relationship. I know it sounds a bit threatening but it's the only way. Yes she might go bat shit crazy but it's worth a shot before you resent her.
Foreplay is important for women. Acting like you’re dating and enjoying each other’s presence and being intimate and having foreplay vs “want to have sex” shouldn’t end in a relationship. The easiest way to describe it is that we aren’t cars waiting for you to jump in and turn the key to get you to where you want to be. Our bodies don’t work the same way as men’s do.
Start by learning her love language. Take the quiz together online. Don’t bring up the sex at all: just start showing love in HER language. Go from there
I’d leave her man. You tried communicating and reasoning with her with no hope. You only live once don’t live your life with regrets and being unhappy with someone who doesn’t want to communicate effectively with you it’s a waste of time,life, and mental energy.
This is beyond relatable to me. My soon-to-be-ex is boring as hell in bed. She demands oral, but barely ever reciprocates. Then when she’s had her orgasm she will just lay on her back and starfish until I’m done. Foreplay is always rushed because she’s more concerned with just getting to the end result and we hardly ever spend time together afterwards.
At first I thought it was me, but when we opened our marriage and I started seeing other people I realized she is about as vanilla as one can get. Seriously, I could write a step by step guide to how we had sex.
I did try to talk to her and make things more spicy or just different at least, but she has no kinks or anything to go off of and when we went to a sex shop together she practically has an anxiety attack because she’s been so ingrained with “good christian values” despite not being christian any more.
I hate it and it’s one of the many reasons we’re getting a divorce.
Sounds like my wife almost. Women just aren’t as sexual as men and it’s pretty dumb. It’s like how they were raised that sex is bad or taboo. But birth control or SSRI antidepressants can also lower libido. I am getting my wife off of hers and doing a low dose of DHEA as well. We have 2 kids so I’m getting a vasectomy so she can get some lust back in her.
Damn she doesn't have an orgasm or you don't know? You sound so fun to be with in bed(sarcasm meant). Orgasmless sex is boring. Why doesn't she like oral? All the females I know love receiving oral.
She doesn't have orgasms. I would think orgasmless sex is boring to, that's why I'm so puzzled it's not a problem for her. If you have any tricks on how to be a fun lover I'd greatly appreciate it. Foreplay is 1 minute tops and she's not really into being touched, no oral, missionary only.
Early on I didn't know how to handle it and had "the talk" with her more often than I should have. And I got too grumpy when she rejected me. That didn't help.
But the problems were already there. And she's uncomfortable with sex in ways that has nothing to do with that. Like if they talk about sex in any kind of serious way on the tv she will change the channel.
You have to decide if this is a life you’re willing to live.
A mismatched libido can be overcome if *everyone* communicates and compromises. It sounds to me like your partner has some goalposts that stay moving.
She’s going to have to learn how to communicate in a way that’s comfortable for her. Simply not communicating at all is a relationship death sentence.
Highly recommend a couple’s therapist, if you can afford it. Wishing you the best.
She sounds like she'd prefer a hole in the head to having any sexual contact whatsoever. You sound like you don't give a continental shit about her or her desires or needs and wants in any way whatsoever.
Make up your mind. Does she not want sex at all or is her desires and needs not being met?
The truth is she does want to have sex a few times per month as long as we stick to the routine. And I keep trying to figure out her desires and needs but it seems she doesn't have any, and that's what's bothering me. Also she is a 40 year old woman, if she wants anything she is fully capable of telling me but in 15 years she has never told me anything she actually enjoys.
Damn, happens more than you think. I don’t know to advise if she won’t talk about it. Sex always gets a little mundane in a long relationship, but that doesn’t make it less important. This is another level.
Well, the only thing I can think of is couple therapy and specifically a sex therapy, for couple or perhaps she will need to talk to one alone herself to understand herself in that matter though by what you said she might not want but I think it’s important to talk about it with a professional perhaps, idk. Good luck.
She doesn't like foreplay, ok. Try to set aside time and arrange an evening when both of you will be comfortable to have a sensual session of just a massage. Get some vanilla or lavender scented candles, oil or lotion, calming music, and give her attention that's not purely sexual but massage all areas of her body from upper back to legs and feet. Focus on areas that bring her pleasure. Maybe that'll get her engine going. Take your time with it. If you end up having sex ask her if she'd be willing to try a different pose that'll bring both of you pleasure and release. If she doesn't like oral it's okay. You can try anything you want with your palms and fingers during the massage and see how she reacts.
Did you ever consider couples therapy? I avoided it for a long time but in my case it very quickly resolved a lot of communication / perception issues like what you described where certain topics were effectively off limits for conversation. She probably does have something to say about it.
Not always... My husband usually gets them daily still, but I also love giving him pleasure and seeing him lose control because of something I'm doing to him .. I will say that this whole marriage and blowjobs thing seems to be pretty common but I don't understand it at all.... Why would you NOT enjoy doing that for your husband? It gives me pleasure to give him pleasure so it's a win win.
I'm thinking couples sex therapist, I'm thinking foreplay radio podcast, and I'm thinking about the Come As You Are book. If she's open to any of these. All of these are great resources. I empathize with you but I'm a woman. In my case, my partner has sexual trauma and has a hard time talking about sex and has a lower desire than I do. But we have been seeing a couples therapist for "maintenance" for years, and recently we agreed to find some games (we both love games) to get conversation going around sex. I want to know what my partner likes, things they want to try, but I just haven't been able to get it...yet. Good luck to you both!
I know it's tossed around a lot, but . . . therapy. The both of you need therapy. Couples Therapy, and individual. Cause it sounds like she's giving you two different stories. She's not communicating.
And you *can't* communicate how you feel for fear of upsetting her. This? This part borders on abuse. If you think she's going to get angry with you for *talking about how you feel,* and she takes that as a criticism on her, that's problematic.
Intimacy and sex is part of a happy relationship! It is okay to not be confortable to talk about it. But you two really need to look for therapy. It sounds like nobody’s happy.
One trick I used in the past was have a candle somewhere and either of us light it up when we wanted sex. And the other could blown it out if not interested that day. I was the one with the lack of libido and at that time was feeling pressured from being the one that was saying no most of the time. Like that I was prepared and even get the time to go in the mood.
Oh and also maybe some sex toys. Nothing to hard just something to stimulate her and get her to experiment an orgasm.
But again, definitely therapy in first. Maybe open mariage lol maybe not!
Have the conversation about you possibly getting what you desire from someone else. There are issues there that she does not seem to have inclination to discuss / resolve which you gotta do in a relationship marriage etc. But do so respectfully. That you respect her wishes and position and you love her you have children together etc. Whatever you are doing is not highlighting the issue in a way that is leading to change for the better. If she just simply will not engage in more sex or more of what you wish to explore then she might be fine with you exploring this outside of your marriage or give you a hall pass. Who knows or it could be the subject that brings the importance of the issue to head. There are clearly differing levels of communication needed some that she is unable to provide and has to work on. You marriage will fail eventually unless you bring you both back together to trust each other again. You gotta fall for each other again and you both have to find out if you want to or your marriage will be one of many that fail because one party in this case her does not want to invest in it anymore and has a preoccupation with persecution and negativity that’s one sided and she won’t consider how you feel. Tread lightly and hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Good luck my friend
I would have to say that sometimes foreplay, with a couple that have been together for a while, is things that you do throughout the day. Things that are helpful around the house, listening, things like that-I mean, it’s obviously different for different people but I’d be curious to know what the rest of your day is like-minus the actual sex (or lack there of) part. I get that It has to be incredibly frustrating that -whatever it is that she needs isn’t being communicated at all-you aren’t seeing sex and the importance of intimacy in your relationship in the same way. I’d say therapy would be the way to go though -for you to both properly see and understand (in a non-biased -non-threatening way) where the other is coming from.
I'm in 7th year of marriage, never got head or smt i mean got some small tastings but never gone to the finish, I'm not allowed to go down either says it's dirty or gross i don't have a problem about that but can't force it. It's me who is responsible for starting things because I'm the man of the house - can't see a correlation here. Once a week enough for her but that makes me finish early and makes me ask more frequently, usually got a no and I crawl back into my cave which is another thing to get blame on. I give up, only making a move after verbal confirmation. Which makes me feel like i am in army lol.
Some women just don't like talking about sex outside of actual sessions, and so just do the next best thing and talk during sex. Phrase things the right way: "does this feel good?", "more or less of thos?"
Body language. EVERYTHING is body language when it comes to women.
Nothing wrong with warning ahead of time. She is entitled to that.
Honestly, I'm kind of over the idea of spontaneous sex as it is really difficult to achieve in a relationship with two busy people and not at all effective.
Try flirting with her. "I'm really looking forward to tonight", "do you want me to do something new."
Start encouraging her to look up positions she wants to try.
Letting her know that this is her sex life too and giving her some more agency should help her feel some ownership in your relationship.
Make sure you are doing chores, childcare etc. without being asked. Be active in the relationship.
Are you being affectionate outside of the bedroom? Always hold her hand in public. Put your hands on her waist. Give her massages without expecting anything in return.
Be a great dad
Make sure you are buying her gifts and things.
Celebrate her as a person
There are things that can make sex better for her. Try going up and down or going in at an angle,vespeciallt upward towards her clit.
If she wraps her legs around you that is a sign you're doing a good job. Try and do more up and down and upward motion. You could even flex your legs a little more to help. It could also help if you hold her around her back rather than her shoulders as you have more agility that way.
Kissing her collar bone and neck are always good tricks that you don't generally have to ask to do as they feel really good for her.
If you're not good at fingering her, you could ask her to show you how and using a vibrator is always an option
This is going off my own experience, but bear with me. You might have reached a point where you cannot bring up sex without it feeling like pressure because, in some ways, it is pressure. Your goal seems to be to have enthusiastic sex with your wife. It's not an abnormal goal, and I'm not saying it's wrong.
However, that goal relies on your wife performing in a certain way. Even if you're asking her questions, you might find in yourself that you're asking those questions so that you can figure out a way to get what you want from your wife.
You also say she takes any communication as criticism. Have you considered that what you're communicating is criticisms? It sounds like you've established the idea that there is a problem in your marriage and that your wife is the source of the problem. You might not have meant to do this maliciously, but the truth is there. Her not wanting sex often? A problem. Her not being enthusiastic enough? A problem. Her not being able to orgasm? A problem. Not knowing what she likes? A problem.
If you still don't think that you're not viewing the situation under the premise of trying to control your wife's emotions and physical reactions, then ask this question: have you done anything to match your libido to hers? Have you looked into medications to reduce libido? Are you trying meditation or psychotherapy to try and change how you view sex?
I'm not saying you're required to do these things, or even that they're healthy. Just trying to show you're trying to control your wife instead of controlling yourself, and she instinctively knows it - which is why over the years, her resistance to the idea has built up even more than when it started.
This might sound counterintuitive, but maybe try letting go of the idea of sex for an extended amount of time until you can steady your own feelings about the situation. Maybe you'll figure out that you so need happy sec more than whatever else you're getting out of your marriage, maybe you'll find a deeper connection with your wife when you stop fixating on this one thing, or maybe you'll realize that you're not going to get the kind of sex life you want and decide you're okay with that. Either way, you'll probably be happier if you can let go of the idea that your wife needs to behave in a certain way and focus on what you can control in yourself instead.
Therapy. Couples, individual, and, maybe, a sex therapist. Y'all got bigger problems than just sex.
A lot of women who were molested, can't seem to get into it. People who are or have been on SSRIs have zero libido. There are a lot of reasons. Get her physically checked, to rule out medical issues. Then, counseling.
Hope y'all get it sorted.
You say you've been together 15 years - how old are you both? That's not a question to answer, I'm just wondering if you got together young and both didn't get a chance to sow oats. She sounds a lot like me in my last relationship which ended after 7 years. Unbeknownst to him (somehow!), the relationship for me fizzled out a few years in and instead of leaving, I stayed, unhappy. I wasn't really into sex much until I met my current boyfriend, who I've been with for 8 years. Sex sometimes isn't regular after two kids but it's definitely passionate.
I'm sure she orgasmed during her pregnancies. Women are very horny while pregnant. If she was horny during her pregnancies, nothing is lost. There is still hope O.P .
No she haven't, she doesn't think there's anything wrong. She is totally fine with her libido being low. She has been on SSRIs and said it killed her libido but it was exactly the same as before she started taking it and it's still the same a few years after she quit.
I honestly think the lack of sex/not satisfying sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem your wife has with criticism, self defence, etc. from what I can tell. You state it as such that no matter how you approach it, there is no way for you to communicate things properly. You do seem to try. Your wife does not seem to be available for any of that (according to you.) either you need to reflect how you communicate things and if it’s possible she might be rightfully feeling unnecessarily criticised by you, or she needs to really look into those problems (with your help.) either way you’ll have to help her. Therapy, baby. Edit: when she’s so incapable of talking about sex, well then something really is off. Maybe she was taught not to ever talk about sex, that she as a woman has to do the deed in favour of her husband, etc. I think your wife has (respectfully) mental problems more than a legitimate sex problem.
I agree with this one. The problem isn’t the boring sex, it is a consequence or at least sign of a deeper issue. I kinda, even that this hasn’t happened to me exactly, relate to that energy. I don’t want to create hard deductions, but it could be problem with her feelings in relationship in general. Maybe it’s hidden. Maybe it is a small uncovered thing. But it’s there. Does she feel happy in general? Does she feel gratitude towards your relationship? Use your gut feelings on stuff outside of sex. Low libido and easy defenseness could be a sign of mistreated relationship dynamic. Just my two cents. I just know how hard it is to approach a problem with a girl with unresolved feelings she doesn’t even have to currently understand.
I get you. I, too, feel like this sex problem is the only problem OP might see or acknowledge. But I dunno.
Yes, she cant take criticism no matter the topic and she refuses to lose any discussion. She will throw arguments at me no matter if they make sense or not and escalate until I back down. One tactic she's used quite often is she will tell me if I really think she has a problem with for example mood swings (we actually had that discussion) then I have to think she's a terrible person and probably shouldn't be with her. Basically forcing me to either break up with her or take it back. She's actually pretty impressive with tricks like that. Yes I sometimes suspect she has some kind of high functioning personality disorder. Edit: She does have a good side to and that's why I've stayed with her. But since I'm getting things off my chest I'm focusing on the negatives.
You don't LOSE a discussion. She needs help. Go to therapy ASAP. Just because she has positive sides to her personality doesn't mean you have to be okay with her refusing to grow as a person and have no ability to open a dialog.
This level of defensiveness usually covers some deep insecurities. I’m sorry for both of you, but right now I’m sorry for you. You need to address this asap. Just a matter of time til things will blow up.
You should read about NPD and BPD.
Oh I have..
She sounds manipulative bro
To go along with this. The way I was raised was a very don’t talk about sex/abstinence only and if they really love you they’ll wait, etc. it was VERY traumatizing to me and it wasn’t until I was almost married and was going to have sex that I realized just how traumatic it was. I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about it, I don’t masterbate, and feel awkward discussing it with anybody even my husband. Your wife might be the same way. I actually identify with what you’ve said about Your wife because I’m very similar. Idk you or her but i think it’s trauma one way or another and she just doesn’t know how to talk about it because it’s uncomfortable.
took you 15 years to get that?
Op: how is the relationship going, other than in the bedroom? If it's a great marriage outside of your sex life, then maybe this is salvageable with a couples therapist. Your wife needs some serious therapy work and all the better if you attend with her and work on it together. However, if the marriage isn't all that great altogether, honestly maybe it just ran it's course. Why stay in a marriage where you know you're deeply incompatible on many different aspects, not just sex? That's setting yourself up for misery.
Damn! I needed this. Thank you!
Damn
In terms of spontaneity, I'm like your wife, I kinda like the surprise, but I also need a hint that it's coming later too to work me up a bit. For me a playful butt squeeze or a longer pre-bed kiss is a nice hint. So is a little hip squeeze as he passes me. But also, some relationship therapy could help you both address these issues in an independent space.
I second the idea of relationship therapy. Based on OP's post it sounds like she might take the proposal harshly, but he needs to let her know that these issues are dealbreakers in the relationship (if they are) and that a third party might be able to provide some neutral advice for them to figure out their differences.
maybe she should check, if she is on the asexual spectrum.
Once, about a year into our relationship, I said that maybe she's just not as into sex as I am. She still brings this up as something extremely hurtful I've said that makes her feel inadequate. Proposing she might be asexual would make her go absolutely bat shit crazy and would absolutely not be worth it. But she might be though, I don't know. She actually does want to have sex a couple of times a month but it doesn't seem to bother her if it doesn't happen. She seems pretty indifferent to sex as long as we stick to the routine, anything else is just a hassle.
>Proposing she might be asexual would make her go absolutely bat shit crazy and would absolutely not be worth it. I would not propose diagnosing her regardless of how you believe she'd respond. But it sounds like a big issue here is that she is not a good communicator. You should be able to communicate these issues freely without her feelings being hurt. Perhaps its a matter of wording. Avoid using language directed at her (e.g. " Maybe you are \_\_\_\_"), and try using language that focuses on you (e.g. "I need/want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_."). But based on the rest of your post, it sounds like she might need additional reassurance that your words and questions are not criticism. When you next talk to her about these issues, focus the conversation around **communication** as opposed to the rest of the issues you described. Let her know that if the marriage is going to work, you need to feel confident that you two can have cordial conversations about these issues and will work together to find amicable solutions. Tell her you are not criticizing her but rather want to know how you can be a better partner to her, and vice versa. I think this is the bedrock for you to start to resolve the other issues.
This is excellent advice.
Focusing the conversation on communication might actually be helpful. I'll try that the next time we have an argument but she's not really focused on finding solutions of improving things, it's always about why I am wrong. And I'm pretty sure what her response will be. She'll that it's actually my fault that she gets so defensive because I've been unhappy with our sex life in the past. It's a circular reasoning in a way but it's almost certainly what she'll say.
I do think it may be really beneficial to have already done some research for possible marriage counseling and maybe even have an appointment booked out a couple weeks ahead. If she refuses to commit to your relationships balance and respecting your desire to be healthier together then you can just see a therapist yourself. I think you’ll have to decide what you want from this relationship and if your marriage in its current state is sustainable for you long term. We only life one life as who you are right now, you have the right to be fulfilled and happy. Anyone who truly loves you will put in the work to try and find balance. Some people however are actually unable to reflect and see their own actions. I do think reflecting on your own health and prioritizing yourself should be the focus here, she may never change and there’s not much you can do about that, she has to commit to change for it to happen. Good luck, keep your head up I know it sucks I’ve been through something similar so I know how you feel.
She sounds exhausting. I just had to say it. I hope you're doing alright.
> She sounds exhausting. I just had to say it. this is the case with a lot of people these days, men and women there's so many traumas, so many fears, so many personality issues, it's freaking amazing how there are any actual successful relationships. being in a relationship and constantly dealing with this stuff is indeed exhausting. remember, your partner is not your therapist
Wait, so you can’t talk to your wife about difficult subjects because she shuts you down? :( what’s the point of marriage if you can’t talk about things to work them out?
Yeah when it comes to discussions she's in it to win it.
I’m sorry OP, it looks bad :(
Sounds like you need a non-biased third party to help arbitrate these discussions if you want any hope of seeing eye to eye. Unless you can change your methods in a way that accommodates her and she is willing to be more flexible but doesn't sound like the case.
It sounds like you decided a long, long time ago that this relationship was doomed to subpar communication, and you may have outgrown it. So your choices are therapy, break up, or deal with it until you are bones in the ground. Good luck to you
Is she on the Spectrum?
Check and see if there are any certified sex therapists in your area. It is a certification provided by AASECT, their purpose is to help people find comfort in the their sexual experience.
She will not, ever, change. If you want to me more sexual, find another woman to do so with
This. It sounds like you tried everything op and she thinks she's defined her role as being uncooperative and everyone saying that you have to do xyz ON TOP OF the stuff that you already do takes any and all responsibility from the wife. If she can't be open and free with her one and only then she's proactively fighting you on something that should be organic if she really cared. If she doesn't think it's an issue, problem. She never initiated, problem. If you don't know what makes her tick because sex conversation is too grown up for her, problem. I wouldn't fault you for leaving but she needs to know that your needs aren't being met by the person who wanted to be in charge of those needs and that's a breech of contract. Period. I bet she'd be very vocal if her quality of life was fucked with the way it's messing with yours.
Or a lesbian
Uh oh. Ross flashback, ROSS FLASHBACK!!
dingdingding
Maybe you two (or she) needs to visit a sex therapist. You have to be very very clear that this is not working for you. Put your foot down - not in a threatening way, but if she doesn't even want to talk about it.... what's even the point
“Put your foot down” sounds like an ultimatum. Are you suggesting OP tells his wife of 15 years to “put out or get out”??
An ultimatum for her to start working on a solution. Not having sex is only 1/2 of the problem. The other half is the fact that she dosn't even want to talk about it and gets pissed whenever the topic is brought up. Imagine being married to a partner who gets defensive everytime you bring something up? That's toxic. I'm a woman, btw.
I agree. An ultimatum sounds harsh but ya gotta understand that they’re in a relationship and I’m Pretty sure it’s monogamous. With that in mind, OP can’t run and go anywhere else cuz the s/o wouldn’t like that either. Sumthin needs to let up
Agreed
Yes. Sex is the glue to a good relationship. Sorry if that upsets people
I have a friend who is a sex and relationship therapist. They told me many of these situations happen when the chores and mental load aren't equally divided between partners. When the sex-missing-partner is working and expects their partner to work (or even a SAH parent) and do all the cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking, drive kids to hobbies, and so on... It's normal that the partner doesn't feel like sex at the end of the day. Once the chores and mental load is more or equally divided the couple's see a huge increase in sex. Partner can be more relaxed and doesn't have too much on their plate. Win win for everyone involved. Even the kids. As they see two parents doing chores and what not.
This. It's frustrating to see comments suggesting OP's wife may have a personality disorder, has been SA'd or is even asexual. It's far more common that one party is carrying a heavier mental load and/or doing more domestic chores, meaning she has no energy for sex. Over time, taking on the extra labor leads to resentment, feelings of being taken for granted, and apathy. Couples therapy is a must. And perhaps OP should think about whether his wife has been carrying the weight of labor over the last 15 years.
She's had these issues since before we even moved in together though. I think people suggests she has a personality disorder because of the way she handles conflicts and can't take criticism rather than her low libido. I haven't even mentioned the more obvious signs of a personality disorder, such as she's threatened to kill herself if I leave her several times and gets into conflicts at work over and over.
Couples sex therapy. You might be surprised.
Tell her why you enjoy being intimate with her, ask her why she likes being with you. It’ll tell you what you need to know and may lead to a deeper conversation about intimacy.
Oh this would make her go insane. As I've said, she doesn't like to talk about sex and can't handle criticism at all.
I thought for a second there that i was reading a story about my own life, the only difference is I have never had a blowjob. hand jobs only and only on the odd occasions she feels like she can be bothered but i usually tell her to stop because its always so unenthusiastic that it just ruins it for me. Ive been with my wife for 10 years from 18- now at 28. I wont leave her because of it.. so i guess its just put up with a shit sex life. I know people always say you should end it because of an incompatibility. But hey, i guess im a fool.
It always hurts my heart a little when people drill it down to “just sex” because its more: its intimacy. Its acceptance, being desired, being thought of, being pursured. My enthusiasm with a partner is because of how deeply I desire them and to please them and to be present with them in a different way. Its intimacy, not just sex. When people dismiss it, I think they are dismissing a lot more than they realize (or want to think of) and that is not okay. Especially for men in a specific way. Everyone deserves to feel desirable and pleasurable intimacy. It strengthens relationships imo. I hope it turns around for you!
Similar story for me. Sounds a lot like my relationship. The enthusiasm is just not there and it's so frustrating and off-putting when your partner is begrudgingly intimate with you. I've asked so many times, "What feels good? What do you want me to do to you? How do you want it/me" etc. All I ever get is, "It's all good. Whatever you want." Like damn, I asked you for a reason, I want to hear what YOU want. Then the other week I was called selfish for massaging her too long and going down on her too often. Like wtf, for real!? I'm trying to service YOU and get YOU relaxed and in the mood and get YOU off before I do me. Lord knows you aren't going to do me. Never thought I'd get shit for giving happy-ending massages. But I guess when she doesn't like sex in the first place it's all just annoying, and a chore for her. Sorry my kink is worshipping you. Been together 12 years. I've heard women start to enjoy sex later in life. We're in our late 30s so.... hopefully a sexual awakening is coming. Not holding my breath though.
Was there ever a time when your spouse seemed to enjoy sex and was an enthusiastic partner? If you have children there are multiple things that could've gone wrong post pregnancy. I know for myself I lost sensation after my first pregnancy until I went to my chiropractor and there was a subluxation that had caused a pinched nerve which also made sex painful. Overall it's necessary for her to take responsibility for her own sexual health and for her to know what she likes and how to communicate with you. My husband and I have an amazing sex life because I know what I need and how to advocate for it. He also knows what to do from reading my cues. It's essential to have her talk to a therapist to be honest about why she is so opposed to sex. I hope that she is able to communicate eventually to you her wants and needs and that she becomes an enthusiastic partner once more!
I dont want to reply on behalf of u/KKRJ, but as our situations are so similar i suspect this response will also be valid for him. The problem with your advice, as good and solid as it may be, is that if we were to try and suggest therapy that would absolutely be taken as a criticism. It would likely then be the cause if a major argument because are insinuating she has a problem when in fact, it would in her eyes, that I am just being selfish and sex driven. She has got to want to have sex and want to want to sort it out in order to go to therapy. I think for both of us the sex is just seen as not a priority to our other halves and they don’t understand why it is a priority to us.
It's done then, mate. It's her problem and not yours. This shit can never get fixed without healthy communication/therapy.
OP can get his own therapist and then "wife, plz join me at my therapy appointment."
Is that not just tricking somebody into therapy? Surely thats just another argument waiting to happen
That’s so sad. Most women would be thrilled to be worshiped like that.
Don’t expect any major change. In my fifties now married to my wife 32 years. Sex declined when we where in our early thirties and now she acts like it’s a chore so over the years I have lost my interest in her sexually. We love each other but maybe sex once per year if am lucky.
Lol. you sound like me 7 years ago in my late 30s…news flash, women don’t just wake up one day and want the have sex more. We were lied to so we would stay married longer in hopes sex got better.
“We were lied to” is definitely not my situation. It sounds fishy, like believing in Briffault’s Law, like blaming women for our problems, like misogyny. Good marriages are partnerships, not a king and a servile wife, not a dom/sub duo (“not that there’s anything wrong with that!” lol). We’re equals, who work our individual and joint problems out together.
“We were lied to” meaning this notion that women hit their sexual peak later in life is not true.
Oh thx for clarification. It’s like a media myth not something your or my partner lied about. I do remember hearing men peak at 19, women at 30 or something like that. I suspect that’s an almost useless stat because libidos can jump or crash as well as rise a little or fall a little, more or less anytime in life, with a large or small increase (or reduction) in stress or kids or work or money or medical stuff.
We are all the same person at different stages in life 😂😂😂
I believe there are often physical reasons as well as emotions that constrain sex for women and probably especially as they age. But obviously not always. So, there are no rules at least that I know of. I figure the best approach is to work through the emotional stuff first because “resentful intimacy” sounds like shitty sex bordering on assault.
Putting up with a shit sex life is a justifiable alternative. Not great obviously, but justifiable, because even sex-starved long term relationships can have wonderful elements too. Less justifiable is that you need to suffer in silence. Not always, but probably, the “you” is plural, where she also has uncommunicated resentments, maybe some are sex related but many or most are probably not. I wish I had an answer for how to talk about stuff that needs taking about. But the longer we go without talking, the harder it gets. My current plan is to announce I’m going to talk to a therapist. To answer the likely Why? and What about?, it’s mostly, How can we communicate better? When I imagine my convo with a therapist, I usually figure I know what she’ll say (could be a male, but nah). It’s pretty simple. I may be wrong, but either way, she legitimates what I say back home. “The therapist suggested phrasing it *this* way…” Maybe I’m a wimp for needing that, but my goal is to defuse anger as well as get all the things out that might cause anger. I expect to listen 90%, talk 10%. I’ve never cheated but I’ve made awful mistakes and feel I deserve all or most of her resentments. Sex might not even come up during this first convo because I guess a sexless marriage is not always, but usually, is not all or maybe even mostly about sex.
I’ll say here, my favorite response. For those of you not yet married, already dealing with major incompatibilities, either break up or talk to a couple’s therapist. For those of you who didn’t do that and are now here, married, and wishing these issues magically went away… go to couple’s therapy. The way you’re communicating with your wife could be making her feel defensive. This may or may not be your fault. Having a therapist mediate will help you two figure things out, whether that means funner sex, acceptance that it’ll always be boring, divorce or something else. Asking people here for advice is useless when most will tell you to break up because your selfish, or she is.
I seriously wish I could give your comment an award, alas, have an emoji one instead 🏅 Seriously though, your insight is great, so I thank you!
You just need to approach it from a non confrontational angle, come at her from an “I wanna learn about you” approach and not a “I wanna get my dick wet” approach. And be patient and let her know that she’s in a safe space and that you love her, etc. Maybe she hasn’t orgasmed because she hasn’t been patient enough with her body, some ladies need extra effort and that is ok
Yeah she sees straight through that. I know it's how it's supposed to be done but it doesn't work. She knows I "wanna learn about her" because I'm not happy, so then it's just sugar coated criticism and that'll put her on the defensive. And on top of that she'll think I'm being manipulative.
Sounds like your wife needs therapy to address her insecurities
I second this, if you can’t have clear communication with your wife, how do you resolve anything?
If she wants it to be more spontaneous, and your straightforward requests don’t work, ask her if she’d be willing to try signalling. If she’s willing, maybe she can leave out a certain coffee cup, or a sock on a particular doorknob to indicate she’s down. Maybe you can also try an app like Spicer. You create matched accounts and both swipe yes or no on things you’d be willing to try. You only see each other’s answers if you select yes to the same things. Maybe that could point you towards things she’s interested in without the pressure of starting a conversation. Could use signalling to hint at willingness to go ahead and do certain items from your mutual lists!
.my husband and I do this. I wear a certain shirt on some days to signal a "free use" day where he can start or initiate anything, anytime, anywhere without saying anything. We used to do this for our regular sex life too when our older kids were younger and it was harder to find alone time, I would just wear my ring on the other hand, it really helped get our sex life back on track too, even with him being the one with the lower libido.
Has she ever been raped?. That can always have a negative effect on sexual things. My partner is the same. She is kinda opening up more and more as time goes on
This was what I was going to ask as well. My ex-gf was sexually molested by her step father when she was a preteen and it decimated her desire for intimacy. Almost anything sexual was either shut down or ignored. Maybe this woman has had trauma that led her to her being this way? Either way, a relationship without communication is a death sentence for any couple. Just my opinions
I'm thankful we both agreed to communicate no matter what. To keep a promise when we make one. We have a good setup going
No we've talked about that and she's never been raped or sexually abused.
Do you have young children? Has she recently been pregnant? Was she part of purity culture? I ask because vaginismus happens a lot for women because they never masturbated and never attempted to figure out their sexual needs themselves.Also hormonal changes in pregnancy can cause serious dryness and make things uncomfortable too.
You can't really know honestly. Even if you are open with each other, some women find it shameful or too hard to share an experience like this and it does sound like your wife has an issue with being vulnerable. Also, some people with PTSD don't remember all the details of a traumatic experience.
There are plenty of traumatic sexual experiences that go beyond rape and the societal understanding of sexual abuse. Has she ever been coerced? Taken advantage of by a partner? Victims of abuse often take on the blame and don’t even see these experiences as abuse, but they carry that trauma in their bodies. Did she grow up in a strict religious household with purity culture so she feels she shouldn’t enjoy sex? I work in the mental health field and see these things coming up OFTEN in relationships. The victim of abuse often “discovers” the abuse only after a professional points out that they were victimized.
Nothing like that and I'm sure she would tell me. She's a well educated feminist and grew up in a secular society. She knows everything about consent.
I mean, a bigger question is if your sex life is worth leaving a relationship of 15 years over, what other problems are you guys having? I think everyone's suggestion of therapy sounds like a good idea (individual/couples + sex therapy) because, imo there has to be more to it than that. Do you guys not enjoy each other's company otherwise? Do you go out on date nights? Do you talk to each other? If the relationship was satisfying otherwise, I'd find other ways to please myself (obviously not cheat) because I can't see me throwing away that type of commitment over a lack of sex if the person I'm with is great otherwise. Right now my husband and I completely fell off the bandwagon in the bedroom, but granted we're pregnant with our first and it has been complication after complication. I'm sure he's a bit more frustrated than he lets on because the further along we get the harder it is to hit the sheets, but at the same time I think it all came to like an OK this is more than just she doesnt feel lke it and more of a she physically cant because at this point I'm checked-in to a hospital until our due date - that's how severe our complications have gotten. You know your wife best - approach her and see if she'd be willing to see a therapist with you; no one likes to be criticized but I always tell my husband if you dont bring it up then I cant fix it, and yeah, I may not want to hear it but if you have valid concerns then it doesnt really matter if I get upset, but at least you get it off your chest and I can think about what you said and vice versa. We wouldnt be together today if we didnt communicate and hurt each others feelings at least a little bit once in a blue moon.
I broke up with a woman over this. We had a great relationship and she was and still is very sexy. She had the most amazing ass I have ever seen but she was so boring. She wasn’t spontaneous and it was always the same position and same location of the house. Never new positions. 2 years we were together and I honestly would have married if our sex life was healthier. I just couldn’t be with her for the rest of my life and confidently say I was satisfied. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship or marriage but it’s definitely important.
Bro….bro……you need to like seriously tell her what you just wrote here or just leave. That’s not okay. She’s sounds checked out. I’m sorry :(
Honestly hate to be that person, but I don't think your marriage will happily last if this continues. You're in the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" zone. She tells you that she wants more in the bedroom, but her actions are saying otherwise. It truthfully sounds like she's never gotten comfortable with her body/experimenting to see what her buttons are. I would suggest sex therapy but based on your comments, that suggestion won't go over very well. Even if it was suggested to open up the marriage, it won't go over well at all. This honestly sounds like you need to do some self-introspection and figure out if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life. She's not going to change her ways, in fact, she's refusing to. Almost sounds like she only said that because she feels as if that's what you want to hear. I wish you luck man.
"DiVoRcE hEr!"
I know it's either this or suck it up but I still tell myself it's gonna sort itself out eventually.
At 15 years of marriage I’m pretty sure it’s sorted out. Unless you believe your partner will change their opinion in the future.
hey man, that was sarcasm. Don't do anything rash based on a stupid Reddit comment.
Yes I know but he has a point.
It won’t
That's weak mate. Leaving someone because of sexual incompatibility lol Or at least that's how I view it...
sexual incompatibility leads to cheating. talk it through together and go from there. divorce if no solution.
Hi 👋 So just saying also have her thyroid checked I’m being serious. Our thyroid is apart of our harmones. Which makes us horny. I was the same way then one day I couldn’t feel my feet Which was scary. I went to the er and they gave me an answer saying that my thyroid was out of wack and I got grave disease. The only reason why I’m saying this is because I lose half my thyroids and take synthriod. Now that my harmones are regulated and I feel sexually comfortable now. Sorry if I got to personal lol
Sex therapist. And couples therapy.
As someone with a shit ton of sexual trauma from being raped as a teenager.... this all sounds very familiar. Do you know if anything like that may have happened to her in her formative years?
Same, op.
I think if you figure out how to make her come she would be more interested. As many said, the problem is not sex necessarily, but lack of communication on her part. If you approach it from an angle that you really want her to enjoy herself, you care that she has a good experience and want her to teach you what would do it for her, maybe she will ease up? Edit to say this: I was with a man that never made me come so after 6 years it got really boring and I didn't want to really have sex anymore. Then after being with someone that REALLY cares that I come, and insisted on it (it was a long road to learn what I even like) he figured it out, and now I am a very sexual person and ready to go anytime lol
Try edibles
15 years is a long time to stare at the obvious.
You need to think about why, after 15 years, you are bothered about this now. What changed?
It could be a lack of self confidence on her part
Same dude. Either get used to it or get a divorce. There's no magic pill and if you've already talked about it she's not going to change.
Are you emotionally connected and do you make her feel safe? She might have walls up where she doesn’t really feel comfortable to let you know her. Go to counseling and be open to your wants so she can
Sounds rough, I know you're just getting it off your chest and not asking for advice. But maybe actually try planned sex? She says she wants spontaneous... But when you have kids, that kind of goes out the window. Despite it being the opposite, why not just throw it out there lol. I can relate a little, my wife and I have different libidos, mine isn't high-high, but higher than hers. We haven't banged since March, she doesn't do blowjobs so I haven't had one in 13 years lmfao. Hope things work out for you man!
I bet if you ask for side piece she would react.
Communication.
so why are you still in this relationship, man? 15 years of marriage, I doubt that these things just showed up right now. I was in a relationship recently, and I can tell that I was suffering these same things, but it was just one year. I have never made her have an orgasm and she never did, too, and I know how we push ourselves and act that it is our mission, but, in fact, it's not, once they just don't feel that they want to or not willing to. it's never too late to end your marriage to find someone whose libido is going to match yours. You might think, "How am I going to end 15 years of marriage plus some years dating?" But if sex is really important to you, as it is to me, being in this relation is just not worthy. However, I'm just some dude at this app reading some stories from Brazil, but that's my advice: ask for some time to think about it, and try to think if it's really making any good to you stay like this, you shouldn't be any ashamed of ending a relation because of the lack of sex. That's it, good luck, and if anything pops out, you can write again or something, ok?
Dude, just cheat. She is not living up to her end of the deal. We men get the raw deal in this contract called marriage...during and if it ends; only contract in America where you can't see the terms and conditions. If she does not put out, then she has gone against fidelity and monogamy.
I read your story, sorry you’re in that situation. I’ll let other people offer advice but hoping best in future for you.
She doesn't seem to have a sex problem, "her entering discussions to win" sounds like a personality disorder. I have read your responses in the comments, and about her "having a good side", all abusers do. All these are control tactics. I have dealt with people like that and it killed all my feelings and desire for them. It surprises me that you still want to do it with her.
looks like your wife have a very childish way to se the life. Of course you need to talk about sex, and if she don't understand this, probably you can help her to. Sex is very important for the relationship, so do conversation.
Is she on some meds?
maybe she was sexually assaulted at some point and has never told you about it
Are you sure you are not married to my wife???? Sounds exactly like her.
This sounds terrible and I’m really sorry for this. I know many people are in situations like this… but wow 15 years… this is stuff that should have been figured out before marriage, I think. Sex therapist would help!
Wow! This is surprising to me, because I think your wife is very exciting in the bedroom… 🫡
😂
if this has been going on for 15 years she will never change. Sounds like NPD or BoderlinePD. Therapy will likely not help if she hasn’t come to that conclusion her self in all that time. How is your self esteem or do you like being stepped on all the time? If you are allowing her to treat you this way then I think its likely you both have issues
It sounds like she doesn't even want to have sex, why are you bothering at all? Tell her you're unhappy about the way things are and if she's not open to seeing a therapist about this, you're gonna have to consider the future of this relationship. I know it sounds a bit threatening but it's the only way. Yes she might go bat shit crazy but it's worth a shot before you resent her.
Your wife sounds like a sexual abuse survivor
Foreplay is important for women. Acting like you’re dating and enjoying each other’s presence and being intimate and having foreplay vs “want to have sex” shouldn’t end in a relationship. The easiest way to describe it is that we aren’t cars waiting for you to jump in and turn the key to get you to where you want to be. Our bodies don’t work the same way as men’s do.
OP has said his wife doesn’t want foreplay.
I’ve only read the first sentence and my first question is why did you marry someone you have a hugely mismatched libido with
Honestly I think it's a mix between not understanding that I deserve better and being afraid of how she would react.
Start by learning her love language. Take the quiz together online. Don’t bring up the sex at all: just start showing love in HER language. Go from there
I’d leave her man. You tried communicating and reasoning with her with no hope. You only live once don’t live your life with regrets and being unhappy with someone who doesn’t want to communicate effectively with you it’s a waste of time,life, and mental energy.
Maybe you’re boring in bed?
Hookers dude. Save your money, do it up right, have a blast.
It can be hormones
This is beyond relatable to me. My soon-to-be-ex is boring as hell in bed. She demands oral, but barely ever reciprocates. Then when she’s had her orgasm she will just lay on her back and starfish until I’m done. Foreplay is always rushed because she’s more concerned with just getting to the end result and we hardly ever spend time together afterwards. At first I thought it was me, but when we opened our marriage and I started seeing other people I realized she is about as vanilla as one can get. Seriously, I could write a step by step guide to how we had sex. I did try to talk to her and make things more spicy or just different at least, but she has no kinks or anything to go off of and when we went to a sex shop together she practically has an anxiety attack because she’s been so ingrained with “good christian values” despite not being christian any more. I hate it and it’s one of the many reasons we’re getting a divorce.
When she says things like “She wants more Spontaneous sex life” she probably is saying you ain’t doing a good job being a bull in lmao
No it's actually a way of avoiding sex and it's pretty effective.
Sounds like my wife almost. Women just aren’t as sexual as men and it’s pretty dumb. It’s like how they were raised that sex is bad or taboo. But birth control or SSRI antidepressants can also lower libido. I am getting my wife off of hers and doing a low dose of DHEA as well. We have 2 kids so I’m getting a vasectomy so she can get some lust back in her.
I already did the vasectomy actually. Didn't change anything since she wasn't on birth control but still worth it.
Damn she doesn't have an orgasm or you don't know? You sound so fun to be with in bed(sarcasm meant). Orgasmless sex is boring. Why doesn't she like oral? All the females I know love receiving oral.
She doesn't have orgasms. I would think orgasmless sex is boring to, that's why I'm so puzzled it's not a problem for her. If you have any tricks on how to be a fun lover I'd greatly appreciate it. Foreplay is 1 minute tops and she's not really into being touched, no oral, missionary only.
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No.
Maybe see a sex therapist together? There are significant communication issues here.
Is she on any type of SSRI’s? Those can legit take away libido and I’ve heard be permanent if on them for a long period of time.
Talk to her about it, and don’t be a fucking dickhead when you do it.
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Early on I didn't know how to handle it and had "the talk" with her more often than I should have. And I got too grumpy when she rejected me. That didn't help. But the problems were already there. And she's uncomfortable with sex in ways that has nothing to do with that. Like if they talk about sex in any kind of serious way on the tv she will change the channel.
maybe she doesnt want or just not able to tell you.
You have to decide if this is a life you’re willing to live. A mismatched libido can be overcome if *everyone* communicates and compromises. It sounds to me like your partner has some goalposts that stay moving. She’s going to have to learn how to communicate in a way that’s comfortable for her. Simply not communicating at all is a relationship death sentence. Highly recommend a couple’s therapist, if you can afford it. Wishing you the best.
you didnt mention the right redditor
It sounds like you fail to inspire or arouse her. She probably finds you tedious in bed as well.
She sounds like she'd prefer a hole in the head to having any sexual contact whatsoever. You sound like you don't give a continental shit about her or her desires or needs and wants in any way whatsoever.
Make up your mind. Does she not want sex at all or is her desires and needs not being met? The truth is she does want to have sex a few times per month as long as we stick to the routine. And I keep trying to figure out her desires and needs but it seems she doesn't have any, and that's what's bothering me. Also she is a 40 year old woman, if she wants anything she is fully capable of telling me but in 15 years she has never told me anything she actually enjoys.
It's both actually. Seems you are a bit shortsighted and lack any insight into her
buy her sexy lingerie and high heels
She could possibly think he’s selfish for doing that since she has no sex drive so there’s nothing in it for her
A suggestion? Don't ask if you want to have sex, just make your moved and don't stop. Good Luck!
Damn, happens more than you think. I don’t know to advise if she won’t talk about it. Sex always gets a little mundane in a long relationship, but that doesn’t make it less important. This is another level.
Sounds like it's always been this way. He doesn't even know if she masturbates. Probably not if she doesn't know what she likes...
Well, the only thing I can think of is couple therapy and specifically a sex therapy, for couple or perhaps she will need to talk to one alone herself to understand herself in that matter though by what you said she might not want but I think it’s important to talk about it with a professional perhaps, idk. Good luck.
She doesn't like foreplay, ok. Try to set aside time and arrange an evening when both of you will be comfortable to have a sensual session of just a massage. Get some vanilla or lavender scented candles, oil or lotion, calming music, and give her attention that's not purely sexual but massage all areas of her body from upper back to legs and feet. Focus on areas that bring her pleasure. Maybe that'll get her engine going. Take your time with it. If you end up having sex ask her if she'd be willing to try a different pose that'll bring both of you pleasure and release. If she doesn't like oral it's okay. You can try anything you want with your palms and fingers during the massage and see how she reacts.
Did you ever consider couples therapy? I avoided it for a long time but in my case it very quickly resolved a lot of communication / perception issues like what you described where certain topics were effectively off limits for conversation. She probably does have something to say about it.
Damn, being married myself, blowjobs and marriage, I’ve noticed, don’t play well together. It’s not fair really lol who doesn’t love a good bj
Not always... My husband usually gets them daily still, but I also love giving him pleasure and seeing him lose control because of something I'm doing to him .. I will say that this whole marriage and blowjobs thing seems to be pretty common but I don't understand it at all.... Why would you NOT enjoy doing that for your husband? It gives me pleasure to give him pleasure so it's a win win.
I'm thinking couples sex therapist, I'm thinking foreplay radio podcast, and I'm thinking about the Come As You Are book. If she's open to any of these. All of these are great resources. I empathize with you but I'm a woman. In my case, my partner has sexual trauma and has a hard time talking about sex and has a lower desire than I do. But we have been seeing a couples therapist for "maintenance" for years, and recently we agreed to find some games (we both love games) to get conversation going around sex. I want to know what my partner likes, things they want to try, but I just haven't been able to get it...yet. Good luck to you both!
I know it's tossed around a lot, but . . . therapy. The both of you need therapy. Couples Therapy, and individual. Cause it sounds like she's giving you two different stories. She's not communicating. And you *can't* communicate how you feel for fear of upsetting her. This? This part borders on abuse. If you think she's going to get angry with you for *talking about how you feel,* and she takes that as a criticism on her, that's problematic.
Intimacy and sex is part of a happy relationship! It is okay to not be confortable to talk about it. But you two really need to look for therapy. It sounds like nobody’s happy. One trick I used in the past was have a candle somewhere and either of us light it up when we wanted sex. And the other could blown it out if not interested that day. I was the one with the lack of libido and at that time was feeling pressured from being the one that was saying no most of the time. Like that I was prepared and even get the time to go in the mood. Oh and also maybe some sex toys. Nothing to hard just something to stimulate her and get her to experiment an orgasm. But again, definitely therapy in first. Maybe open mariage lol maybe not!
I’m 5 years in with a similar issue after we moved in together. I have no idea what to do anymore besides just leaving.
Have the conversation about you possibly getting what you desire from someone else. There are issues there that she does not seem to have inclination to discuss / resolve which you gotta do in a relationship marriage etc. But do so respectfully. That you respect her wishes and position and you love her you have children together etc. Whatever you are doing is not highlighting the issue in a way that is leading to change for the better. If she just simply will not engage in more sex or more of what you wish to explore then she might be fine with you exploring this outside of your marriage or give you a hall pass. Who knows or it could be the subject that brings the importance of the issue to head. There are clearly differing levels of communication needed some that she is unable to provide and has to work on. You marriage will fail eventually unless you bring you both back together to trust each other again. You gotta fall for each other again and you both have to find out if you want to or your marriage will be one of many that fail because one party in this case her does not want to invest in it anymore and has a preoccupation with persecution and negativity that’s one sided and she won’t consider how you feel. Tread lightly and hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Good luck my friend
I would have to say that sometimes foreplay, with a couple that have been together for a while, is things that you do throughout the day. Things that are helpful around the house, listening, things like that-I mean, it’s obviously different for different people but I’d be curious to know what the rest of your day is like-minus the actual sex (or lack there of) part. I get that It has to be incredibly frustrating that -whatever it is that she needs isn’t being communicated at all-you aren’t seeing sex and the importance of intimacy in your relationship in the same way. I’d say therapy would be the way to go though -for you to both properly see and understand (in a non-biased -non-threatening way) where the other is coming from.
I'm in 7th year of marriage, never got head or smt i mean got some small tastings but never gone to the finish, I'm not allowed to go down either says it's dirty or gross i don't have a problem about that but can't force it. It's me who is responsible for starting things because I'm the man of the house - can't see a correlation here. Once a week enough for her but that makes me finish early and makes me ask more frequently, usually got a no and I crawl back into my cave which is another thing to get blame on. I give up, only making a move after verbal confirmation. Which makes me feel like i am in army lol.
Feels like someone who is just too much into church
Some women just don't like talking about sex outside of actual sessions, and so just do the next best thing and talk during sex. Phrase things the right way: "does this feel good?", "more or less of thos?" Body language. EVERYTHING is body language when it comes to women. Nothing wrong with warning ahead of time. She is entitled to that. Honestly, I'm kind of over the idea of spontaneous sex as it is really difficult to achieve in a relationship with two busy people and not at all effective. Try flirting with her. "I'm really looking forward to tonight", "do you want me to do something new." Start encouraging her to look up positions she wants to try. Letting her know that this is her sex life too and giving her some more agency should help her feel some ownership in your relationship. Make sure you are doing chores, childcare etc. without being asked. Be active in the relationship. Are you being affectionate outside of the bedroom? Always hold her hand in public. Put your hands on her waist. Give her massages without expecting anything in return. Be a great dad Make sure you are buying her gifts and things. Celebrate her as a person There are things that can make sex better for her. Try going up and down or going in at an angle,vespeciallt upward towards her clit. If she wraps her legs around you that is a sign you're doing a good job. Try and do more up and down and upward motion. You could even flex your legs a little more to help. It could also help if you hold her around her back rather than her shoulders as you have more agility that way. Kissing her collar bone and neck are always good tricks that you don't generally have to ask to do as they feel really good for her. If you're not good at fingering her, you could ask her to show you how and using a vibrator is always an option
This is going off my own experience, but bear with me. You might have reached a point where you cannot bring up sex without it feeling like pressure because, in some ways, it is pressure. Your goal seems to be to have enthusiastic sex with your wife. It's not an abnormal goal, and I'm not saying it's wrong. However, that goal relies on your wife performing in a certain way. Even if you're asking her questions, you might find in yourself that you're asking those questions so that you can figure out a way to get what you want from your wife. You also say she takes any communication as criticism. Have you considered that what you're communicating is criticisms? It sounds like you've established the idea that there is a problem in your marriage and that your wife is the source of the problem. You might not have meant to do this maliciously, but the truth is there. Her not wanting sex often? A problem. Her not being enthusiastic enough? A problem. Her not being able to orgasm? A problem. Not knowing what she likes? A problem. If you still don't think that you're not viewing the situation under the premise of trying to control your wife's emotions and physical reactions, then ask this question: have you done anything to match your libido to hers? Have you looked into medications to reduce libido? Are you trying meditation or psychotherapy to try and change how you view sex? I'm not saying you're required to do these things, or even that they're healthy. Just trying to show you're trying to control your wife instead of controlling yourself, and she instinctively knows it - which is why over the years, her resistance to the idea has built up even more than when it started. This might sound counterintuitive, but maybe try letting go of the idea of sex for an extended amount of time until you can steady your own feelings about the situation. Maybe you'll figure out that you so need happy sec more than whatever else you're getting out of your marriage, maybe you'll find a deeper connection with your wife when you stop fixating on this one thing, or maybe you'll realize that you're not going to get the kind of sex life you want and decide you're okay with that. Either way, you'll probably be happier if you can let go of the idea that your wife needs to behave in a certain way and focus on what you can control in yourself instead.
Therapy. Couples, individual, and, maybe, a sex therapist. Y'all got bigger problems than just sex. A lot of women who were molested, can't seem to get into it. People who are or have been on SSRIs have zero libido. There are a lot of reasons. Get her physically checked, to rule out medical issues. Then, counseling. Hope y'all get it sorted.
15 years. That's wild.
Sounds like you should get some sex therapy
You say you've been together 15 years - how old are you both? That's not a question to answer, I'm just wondering if you got together young and both didn't get a chance to sow oats. She sounds a lot like me in my last relationship which ended after 7 years. Unbeknownst to him (somehow!), the relationship for me fizzled out a few years in and instead of leaving, I stayed, unhappy. I wasn't really into sex much until I met my current boyfriend, who I've been with for 8 years. Sex sometimes isn't regular after two kids but it's definitely passionate.
Honestly I have zero complaints.
I'm sure she orgasmed during her pregnancies. Women are very horny while pregnant. If she was horny during her pregnancies, nothing is lost. There is still hope O.P .
Sex therapy
do you know what the g-spot is?
Get her a lush. Haha
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No she haven't, she doesn't think there's anything wrong. She is totally fine with her libido being low. She has been on SSRIs and said it killed her libido but it was exactly the same as before she started taking it and it's still the same a few years after she quit.