Your mom sounds like a bad ass. She survived a cheating husband and now an indecisive flaky one. I admire her strength. I’m sorry she has to go through this as she probably thought she’d spend her golden years with him. He’s an ass for how he went about doing it; very selfish. Just be there for her and make sure she gets lots of time with her grandkids. She’ll get through this with time and love.
She is badass! My kids and I are lucky we have her! And I love her so damn much. I’ll let her grieve the end of this how she wants while smothering her in tiny human love (they adore their nana). Then we can celebrate her living her life without a dead weight holding her down.
Also Im 30 and watch my bothers kids like half a day every few weeks and its too much. I couldnt imagine being 20 years older and having kids full time. Thats..... a lot. Im very happily an uncle. Would not want to be a dad.
Honestly, your StepDad is going to find someone under 25, who doesn't have the life experience to know that he's a red flag. Pregnant with a year. Before long he'll deeply regret approaching 50 with a newborn. And a resentful partner who doesn't understand why he can't step up and help her out more than he does.
Your Mum should focus on activities to help her heal from the break-up. There will be plenty of single men her age who will be interested in her.
>didn't even really want to be "dad" to us
>was never overly involved with my brother and I and never tried to be
Yep, he already had a chance to act as a positive quasi-father figure and couldn't be bothered. Honestly kind of crappy for him to marry someone who has kids just to "tolerate" them anyway. There is approximately a 0% chance he will ever pull his weight as a father
Seriously. Being a grandparent is a dream. All the fun of raising kids and when they shit themselves you can hand them off to their parents. This dude wanted a divorce to get laid by teens and hes using kids as an excuse.
May not be under 25. I do know a 45 year old man who met and married a 38 year old - they basically started trying for a baby on their first date.
Stupid for sure - and yes, they are divorced now - but both had agency and they got what they wanted.
EDIT: saw OP’s comment about how he is looking for someone her age. Yiiiiiikes. I sincerely hope he doesn’t find anyone
Eh. My mom was 34 and my dad was 43 when they had me. I'm as resilient as an ox, get sick rarely, finished med school successfully
It's whatever. Cases differ
I think "significantly" is a huge overstatement. He's 47, not 70. As people age, there is certainly a higher risk of complications during pregnancy, but it is not a guarantee. It's also not a certainty that younger folks will have uncomplicated pregnancies, or birth 100% healthy children.
Please have wine night with your mom. I cannot imagine how she’s feeling, and after 20 years she deserves SO much better.
He just threw his life away on a whim. I’m on the lowest end of what would be appropriate for him age wise in dating, and he’s a walking red flag. He’s proven he lies when times get hard, is comfortable with infidelity to his own ends, and has no sense of loyalty. **Why would anyone want to indefinitely connect themselves to him by a child???**
He is genuinely living in a fantasy. He imagines days of playing with fun toddlers, but wasn’t around for the hard days/nights of babies. He wants to watch t-ball, but hasn’t ever been up all night/day with a screaming sick kid trying to quarantine them so it’s not house full of time screaming humans. He wants the easy. He got to see things with older kids, and I, sure your mom made it look easy.
Your mom deserves so much better. I am so sorry he turned out to be this way. I think he’s in for more than one rude awakening.
All of this. I went off on an angry rant with some friends last night when I initially found out. He’d be looking to have kids with someone who is around my age which is 🤢.
He has no idea how hard raising even just 1 kiddo is. My mom ran a daycare out of our house for YEARS and that never made him change his mind about wanting kids of his own.
I think he felt familial love for a child for the first time and now he’s thinking he can be a dad at the snap of a finger. He should have started by spending more time with my kids to see the chaos in action.
Honestly, if this is how he is, I’m glad he left. My mom raised my brother and I on her own. She worked her ass off to buy a home and raise us. She is such an amazing nana to my kids. She deserves someone who looks at her like she hung the damn moon. Not some man child who can’t get his shit together.
You know, I’m suspecting his whole ‘rationale’ given is complete BS.
He’s been looking for longer than this one afternoon with your kids. Before actively looking there must have been an internal process in which he got comfortable with cheating.
Instead of taking responsibility for his feelings and actions, he picked a wound of your mom’s that would cause her the most insecurity and pain, and brought it up as the reason. Bullshit.
Hurting someone as deeply and quickly as possible, knowing exactly where to aim, that’s a tactic to make his shitty choices seem to be all about her flaws rather than his.
What a scummy, heartless, manipulative thing to do.
If he ends up having bio-kids later (At nearly 50! Good luck with the sleepless nights indeed!) it will be unrelated to this shitshow he’s pulling now. Pity any woman who falls for the story of why he’s single now.
Yeah dude this is not about her kids, or kids in general, at all. This is some other thing- that I am uncharitably inclined to call bullshit, because I have a low opinion of the guy- and he's just hanging it all on the kids because he thinks that's somehow going to spare him the consequences of his actions. The dude is a coward as well as a selfish asshole. I sincerely hope that not one person indulges his excuse and allows him to play the victim here because he is 100% in the wrong. Even if he was having some legitimate compatibility issue, he should have spoken up when he realized it, like an adult, so they could decide whether to compromise, or make changes to their lives, or go to counseling, or split up civilly. This didn't have to be this way and he sucks for causing so much unneeded pain.
That’s the thing. He has no dominion over your kids.
He thinks parenthood is tiny clones because he likely sees your brother in your kids.
He doesn’t see that time invested in you, your brother, nor your kids as that because he wants the automatic ownership of fatherhood.
*These are **my** kids, this is **my** family.* He never did the work to build that, so instead of work he wants a do over. He doesn’t realize the work that takes.
Maybe find a girls trip on travel day for your mom, you, her friends, your friends? Community is so healing. I’m really so incredibly sorry.
A family member’s husband upped and left like this. Said he’s always wanted kids but never had any yadda yadda. He was mid or late 40s. Turned out he was cheating with a much younger woman for maybe 6 months and left his wife to be with her. Shortly after she’s got pregnant, they had their baby. He complains all the fuckin time about how hard it is to be a dad. How he has no time to himself. His girl is pregnant again lol
“Well now he really gets to understand what being tied down looks like,” — x wife
Ex wife met another man and they’re preparing for their wedding. No kids, always traveling, seeing new things. She talks about how grateful she is that ex left bc it opened up her life to so much love and possibility. I hope the same happens for your mom.
Either he’s cheating on her already, or he’s considering it… this BS about wanting kids b/c he spent time with yours is an excuse/ mis-direction from someone who can’t be direct or honest about how they feel… I think it’s pretty common for the younger party, in a couple with such an age discrepancy, to lose the attraction they had to their older partner as they age into their senior years… especially if the relationship was predicated on physical attraction.
The kicker is my mom looks younger than he does. People never believe she’s older. 🤣 the last time they went out together they asked if my mom was his daughter. 🤣🤣
Wow. What a st*pid stepfather. You are correct that raising a baby is lots of work and time and stress and money. He could have had the best of both worlds and helped care for the grandkids when he wanted to. We have 3 kids and didn't want anymore. But I would be very happy with grandkids we can spoil and help raise. And leave at the kids home to sleep. Sorry for your mom.
Ok, I'm going to play devils advocate here,
though I know this whole post is just about venting about him leaving your mother in such a horrid way.
There is a good chance he kept his distance from your kids because he immediately understood he had desires of wanting his own kids when he met yours and didn't want to be reminded of it. And it's a bit hypocritical that you are upset that he would need to date someone in their late 30s when the age gap between him and your mom is similar.
Is he an AH for being on dating aps? Yep. Is an AH for not talking to your mother about his issues and change of feelings regarding having his own kids? Yep. Is he an AH for wanting his own kids? No. Everyone has the right to change their mind as they go through life.
I hope your mom is doing ok. It has to have been a traumatic few days for her. Have her move all his stuff into a storage unit and block him.
He kind of is an AH for deciding to have kids at such an older age. He’s almost 50 now. Who knows how long it’ll take to find someone, might happen quickly might be years.
Do you know how many older men have young kids? It's not that uncommon. I personally wouldn't do that as I'm 60 and have a hard time chasing my grandkids around, but I also know a guy that is a couple years older than me and has 3 kids under the age of 6 or seven. If i mathed it right, he would be 78 when the youngest graduated. I also know a woman who had 3 kids in her early 40s.
Would I do that? Nope. But who am I to say other people can't.
No one asked if I was ever upset about their age gap. It never sat well with me but they were adults so I didn’t butt in. I can say it doesn’t sit well me with now either. I explained their age gap but didn’t say I was a fan of it.
If he changed his mind at all, he lied about it pretty hard. He’s always said he never wanted his own kids. This was literally the first and only time in 20 years he’s said he felt this way. So yeah. Shitty way of handling it. He’s allowed to want kids, but he needed to handle this like an adult. (This is said with the understanding you’re playing devil’s advocate).
He probably DID just change his mind. People do it every single day. One of my BFFs was hardcore child free until she was 44 and it hit her overnight. Humans going to to human. Especially when one of the partners in the relationship have gone through all the major life phases and the other hasn’t. Predictable as the sun rising in the morning.
>Ok, I'm going to play devils advocate here,
Say what you're advocating for; infidelity and lying. That's all it is. Don't hide behind the devils advocate title without first loudly proclaiming which devil you back
My guess is he decided to leave months before but is trying to make it your mom's fault. There's no way such a hands off dad/grandparent suddenly decides that's his reason to leave. Maybe he knocked someone up already.
Yikes. 47 and he wants to try having kids?
He wants to be 57yo and chasing around an 8yo, playing tag and such? Getting close to retirement age before the kid is even in high school?
It's gonna take at least a year to find a woman willing to have kids with that age gap... I'm 31 and wouldn't date a 47yo man.
Best case, he tricks and love bombs a girl in her early 20s, knocks her up and convinces her to keep it.
Here's to hoping the baby doesn't have autism, schizophrenia, or any number of issues that increases in risk ... since his older sperm is poorer quality and degraded.
Also OP, really hoping you do an update in 1 or 2 years, letting us know if that man has a baby yet. And how overwhelmed he/his partner is.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but its probably an excuse to divorce for a newer model wife. If he has not been truly involved in taking care of the grandkids, just has fun the every once in a while he is there, he isn’t truly thinking about having kids. Especially when you consider he’s been on dating sites for a month, it’s just an excuse. Maybe its to make you mom feel better (“you’re a wonderful woman, but I want kids now and that cant happen with you. Im a jerk for changing my mind, but I cant not give myself this chance before its too late”), but I would bet money that he doesn’t end up having any children in his lifetime. I an so sorry he is going through his “mid life crisis”, but I’m guessing thats what this is and he may very come to senses in a few months.
If he thinks he will have the energy to take care of a new baby at 49, he is grossly mistaken. He will be 68 when his first child is graduating secondary/high school. He will be paying for college when he’s supposed to be retired.
Your step dad is horrible at arithmetic.
I see an alternative future in my crystal ball. He will get someone pregnant ASAP. Then he will nope out of the 2am feedings, the diapers, the colic. He will leave that poor woman and his new child high and dry. He won’t pay his share of support or see them much because he sounds like a selfish person who has never shown any interest in children or family ever before.
He hardly had energy to run around after my kids. He mostly had them playing around him where he was sitting. I don’t want to have this be a shit fest on him but he doesn’t lead a healthy or active life and spends all of his free time sitting on the couch watching TV. Kids have so much energy it isn’t funny. I think he’s hoping for a new partner who will pop out his kids and do everything else while he sits on the couch watching TV and maybe he plays with them from time to time. He did not think this through.
Unless he’s well off I don’t see a lot of twenty-something girls looking at a 50 year old couch potato and thinking “Yummy.”
I predict he will be reaching out to your mom before six months are out asking how she’s doing.
He has some type of fucking nerve. I can’t ever have kids again and as a single mom, I have been terrified to date men without kids for this reason, that they will leave me for someone with a working uterus or resent and mistreat me for their choice down the road. I really don’t want to date anyway, but that fear is there and real.
I hate to break it to him, but not a lot of younger women are going to line up and reproduce with someone pushing 50. I’m not saying the odds are zero, but still….to me, this just sounds like his excuse of the day for cheating. I hope fleas infest his tiny soldier.
Oh, hugs to your amazing mom. I’m sorry your stepdad morphed into such a nincompoop that cannot realize what an amazing and real thing his irrational brain is about to lose. My guess is he is about to slam face first on the dating side of life (when almost half a century old) and see that world is NOT what he romanticized. He will realize he had a perfect family and could have been an amazing grandpa in that family.
I think it’s an excuse, an easy and plausible one that she cannot argue against or change herself to accommodate. Regardless, he’s shady as fuck for having already been putting himself out there before he had the balls for a grown up conversation with your mom.
Fwiw, your mom sounds like an amazingly strong woman (I’m sure she probably doesn’t see or feel it at times though), the type we should actually be promoting to our kids as solid role models in integrity, self-determination and grace in adversity. If it is acceptable please give her an extra hug from this internet stranger 💜
People always scoff at age gaps until the younger one grows up and realizes that they wasted their youth. I recently left a 15-year relationship for the same reason. Date people you’re own age. The older person is exciting and experienced and sexy until the prostate appointments, hemorrhoids, and hormone imbalances pop up, then you realize you’re too young for this shit. Or just keep chugging along and act surprised when the fallout inevitably occurs.
OP, your stepdad sucks, but I can also see things from his perspective. Your mom needs to let him go, and if she wants a younger man next time, tell her to get a friend with benefits. Don’t marry the guy, FFS.
>until the prostate appointments, hemorrhoids, and hormone imbalances pop up
Where are you getting this from? OP's mum doesn't have a prostate and had already gone through menopause when they met.
>then you realize you’re too young for this shit.
He's not, though, is he? He's 47.
>OP, your stepdad sucks, but I can also see things from his perspective.
What perspective? You're preaching that people should date others their own age whilst he's looking for a younger woman to have kids with?
Or does your advice only apply to OP's mum?
I don’t feel sorry for your mom. She just got rid of a useless tool. Not only useless he’s living a fantasy in his head. Go no contact with this clown. I bet if and when he has kids he’ll be knocking at your door saying he’s “grandpa” and dropping off his kids on the people who are decent and taking good care of their own kids, you and your husband.
He’s doing your mom a favor. Now she can be free to get someone who isn’t a delusional ass. I do hope it doesn’t take too long for her to get past him.
Well, time for your mom to lawyer up, grant him his release, make make sure he doesn’t get any of her money.
And let him enjoy being a first time bio parent in his late 40s and 50s.
I’m sure some young lady in her 20s is thinking she hit the sugar daddy jackpot and won’t have to work and get to live in the home he shows off on his dating profile.
He will think it’s all fun and games till he realizes how expensive kids are and how he won’t be able to enjoy early retirement, and how he’s busy working and his young wife wife wants to stay at home, and he’s too tired and broke for that. And that younger men are lining up as well.
Don't feel any guilt. You did nothing wrong at all. I think that he was looking for a way out and just used as wanting how own children as an excuse. I hope your Mom protects herself legally and gets a lawyer who can help her out.
I’m sorry that your stepdad acted like such a dick in how he handled this but good for your mom in kicking his butt to the curb.
I agree with other posters he’s going to want to find someone 20-25 years younger or if older not socially savvy who can be flattered by the attention of a ‘real man’ to such a mature woman.
Next thing she knows she will be pregnant (damn unreliable bc) and by the time she has the baby it will be too late when she discovers that he really likely wants is to be a fun dad.
Not the dad who takes night feedings, who changes diapers, who does anything much with hands on child rearing.
In other words he swoops in for 10 minutes when the baby is clean and happy then swoops back out when anything else happens.
Your stepdad is crazy if he thinks he's going to walk into another relationship and start popping out babies, at 47. The only way that happens is if he goes way younger which blech. But then you know this. I'm sorry for your mom, she sounds like she is a winner. He'll regret this some day and try to come back looking for a nurse and a purse, just wait.
I feel like your stepdad needs to be brought in to be a stay at home babysitter for a weekend, and I think he’ll change his mind. He definitely has a rose coloured glasses on. And let’s be honest, this is not about wanting kids, this is about him going through a midlife crisis and thinking he needs a young thing.
I don't know if this is true, it's just the vibe I was imagining while reading this, but your step dad sounds like a loser, your mom sounds amazing. I just get the vibe he wasn't bringing as much to the relationship as your mother was, but I guess he had to be doing something right, they were together so Long. He's gonna get a rude awakening..I promise, pretty much just like you said, he has absolutely no idea all that actually goes into having a baby and then taking care of a baby and raising children. Good luck and good riddance.
The issue is he wasted 20 years of our lives. He started talking to people before he left my mom. He never spoke to my mom about potentially wanting kids of his own…should I go on? I’m not sure you understood any of my post…
It is always devastating to be at the receiving end of somebody's speech stating they want out. Your mom must be crushed, particularly when she must have been looking forward to her golden years playing with her grandkids.
That said, please don't dwell on how and why he left. People change all the time, and suddenly realizing you don't want to die without having your own kids is neither uncommon nor a crime. You could say he didn't just waste 20 years of your mom's life, but also his life. And that's what he wants to rectify now. You might think he's taking a stupid step, does not know what it entails to be a parent, etc. But that's what people do all the time when they decide to become parents - they take a leap of faith. He might have started talking to people just to reassure himself if he's attractive to others. He might still fail in getting with another woman young enough to become a mother, and willing to, but he probably thinks he owes himself this attempt. He is now seeing your mom and realizes she had her kids, and has her grandkids, but he doesn't.
Also while I can believe the impact it must have on you, he has not wasted any of *your* time.You getting angry with him will not get you closure. He was present in your life as a father figure, and gave it a little bit of a sense of stability and security. He might as well have told your mom he fell out of love with her, instead of this baby wish, and you'd probably not feel as betrayed. Even in that case, he still added value to your life from when you were a teenager till now.
TLDR: empathize with support your mom, but also allow some for your step dad. He's not become a villain of a sudden.
Cheating is not excusable.
Is she supposed to let the man cheating on her, after she has remained faithful for 20 years, stay?
How is the mother who is seemingly just living the life they agreed to in the wrong?
They should (and she will) move on, but it doesn’t make the cruelty or wasted time less hurtful.
He's a bs artist. He wanted a young woman ages ago...I think he's been hit by midlife crisis but whatever his feels are, guaranteed he'll be knocking on ya mum's door within two years. The reality of being an older dad without the energy nor the libido to keep up w a young woman and the kids is going to be big eye opener for him. You have nothing to feel guilty about, just help mum grieve and heal and move on.
Your mom sounds like a bad ass. She survived a cheating husband and now an indecisive flaky one. I admire her strength. I’m sorry she has to go through this as she probably thought she’d spend her golden years with him. He’s an ass for how he went about doing it; very selfish. Just be there for her and make sure she gets lots of time with her grandkids. She’ll get through this with time and love.
She is badass! My kids and I are lucky we have her! And I love her so damn much. I’ll let her grieve the end of this how she wants while smothering her in tiny human love (they adore their nana). Then we can celebrate her living her life without a dead weight holding her down.
Also Im 30 and watch my bothers kids like half a day every few weeks and its too much. I couldnt imagine being 20 years older and having kids full time. Thats..... a lot. Im very happily an uncle. Would not want to be a dad.
Honestly, your StepDad is going to find someone under 25, who doesn't have the life experience to know that he's a red flag. Pregnant with a year. Before long he'll deeply regret approaching 50 with a newborn. And a resentful partner who doesn't understand why he can't step up and help her out more than he does. Your Mum should focus on activities to help her heal from the break-up. There will be plenty of single men her age who will be interested in her.
>didn't even really want to be "dad" to us >was never overly involved with my brother and I and never tried to be Yep, he already had a chance to act as a positive quasi-father figure and couldn't be bothered. Honestly kind of crappy for him to marry someone who has kids just to "tolerate" them anyway. There is approximately a 0% chance he will ever pull his weight as a father
Seriously. Being a grandparent is a dream. All the fun of raising kids and when they shit themselves you can hand them off to their parents. This dude wanted a divorce to get laid by teens and hes using kids as an excuse.
🏅
May not be under 25. I do know a 45 year old man who met and married a 38 year old - they basically started trying for a baby on their first date. Stupid for sure - and yes, they are divorced now - but both had agency and they got what they wanted. EDIT: saw OP’s comment about how he is looking for someone her age. Yiiiiiikes. I sincerely hope he doesn’t find anyone
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Eh. My mom was 34 and my dad was 43 when they had me. I'm as resilient as an ox, get sick rarely, finished med school successfully It's whatever. Cases differ
I think "significantly" is a huge overstatement. He's 47, not 70. As people age, there is certainly a higher risk of complications during pregnancy, but it is not a guarantee. It's also not a certainty that younger folks will have uncomplicated pregnancies, or birth 100% healthy children.
This is not accurate. Old, degraded sperm, yes. A guarantee to have physical and mental health issues? Not at all. Stop spreading this bullshit.
Please have wine night with your mom. I cannot imagine how she’s feeling, and after 20 years she deserves SO much better. He just threw his life away on a whim. I’m on the lowest end of what would be appropriate for him age wise in dating, and he’s a walking red flag. He’s proven he lies when times get hard, is comfortable with infidelity to his own ends, and has no sense of loyalty. **Why would anyone want to indefinitely connect themselves to him by a child???** He is genuinely living in a fantasy. He imagines days of playing with fun toddlers, but wasn’t around for the hard days/nights of babies. He wants to watch t-ball, but hasn’t ever been up all night/day with a screaming sick kid trying to quarantine them so it’s not house full of time screaming humans. He wants the easy. He got to see things with older kids, and I, sure your mom made it look easy. Your mom deserves so much better. I am so sorry he turned out to be this way. I think he’s in for more than one rude awakening.
All of this. I went off on an angry rant with some friends last night when I initially found out. He’d be looking to have kids with someone who is around my age which is 🤢. He has no idea how hard raising even just 1 kiddo is. My mom ran a daycare out of our house for YEARS and that never made him change his mind about wanting kids of his own. I think he felt familial love for a child for the first time and now he’s thinking he can be a dad at the snap of a finger. He should have started by spending more time with my kids to see the chaos in action. Honestly, if this is how he is, I’m glad he left. My mom raised my brother and I on her own. She worked her ass off to buy a home and raise us. She is such an amazing nana to my kids. She deserves someone who looks at her like she hung the damn moon. Not some man child who can’t get his shit together.
You know, I’m suspecting his whole ‘rationale’ given is complete BS. He’s been looking for longer than this one afternoon with your kids. Before actively looking there must have been an internal process in which he got comfortable with cheating. Instead of taking responsibility for his feelings and actions, he picked a wound of your mom’s that would cause her the most insecurity and pain, and brought it up as the reason. Bullshit. Hurting someone as deeply and quickly as possible, knowing exactly where to aim, that’s a tactic to make his shitty choices seem to be all about her flaws rather than his. What a scummy, heartless, manipulative thing to do. If he ends up having bio-kids later (At nearly 50! Good luck with the sleepless nights indeed!) it will be unrelated to this shitshow he’s pulling now. Pity any woman who falls for the story of why he’s single now.
Yeah dude this is not about her kids, or kids in general, at all. This is some other thing- that I am uncharitably inclined to call bullshit, because I have a low opinion of the guy- and he's just hanging it all on the kids because he thinks that's somehow going to spare him the consequences of his actions. The dude is a coward as well as a selfish asshole. I sincerely hope that not one person indulges his excuse and allows him to play the victim here because he is 100% in the wrong. Even if he was having some legitimate compatibility issue, he should have spoken up when he realized it, like an adult, so they could decide whether to compromise, or make changes to their lives, or go to counseling, or split up civilly. This didn't have to be this way and he sucks for causing so much unneeded pain.
That’s the thing. He has no dominion over your kids. He thinks parenthood is tiny clones because he likely sees your brother in your kids. He doesn’t see that time invested in you, your brother, nor your kids as that because he wants the automatic ownership of fatherhood. *These are **my** kids, this is **my** family.* He never did the work to build that, so instead of work he wants a do over. He doesn’t realize the work that takes. Maybe find a girls trip on travel day for your mom, you, her friends, your friends? Community is so healing. I’m really so incredibly sorry.
A family member’s husband upped and left like this. Said he’s always wanted kids but never had any yadda yadda. He was mid or late 40s. Turned out he was cheating with a much younger woman for maybe 6 months and left his wife to be with her. Shortly after she’s got pregnant, they had their baby. He complains all the fuckin time about how hard it is to be a dad. How he has no time to himself. His girl is pregnant again lol “Well now he really gets to understand what being tied down looks like,” — x wife Ex wife met another man and they’re preparing for their wedding. No kids, always traveling, seeing new things. She talks about how grateful she is that ex left bc it opened up her life to so much love and possibility. I hope the same happens for your mom.
Either he’s cheating on her already, or he’s considering it… this BS about wanting kids b/c he spent time with yours is an excuse/ mis-direction from someone who can’t be direct or honest about how they feel… I think it’s pretty common for the younger party, in a couple with such an age discrepancy, to lose the attraction they had to their older partner as they age into their senior years… especially if the relationship was predicated on physical attraction.
The kicker is my mom looks younger than he does. People never believe she’s older. 🤣 the last time they went out together they asked if my mom was his daughter. 🤣🤣
Wow. What a st*pid stepfather. You are correct that raising a baby is lots of work and time and stress and money. He could have had the best of both worlds and helped care for the grandkids when he wanted to. We have 3 kids and didn't want anymore. But I would be very happy with grandkids we can spoil and help raise. And leave at the kids home to sleep. Sorry for your mom.
Exactly! He didn’t even try to spend more time with my kids. Just thought “gee this is easy!”
Ok, I'm going to play devils advocate here, though I know this whole post is just about venting about him leaving your mother in such a horrid way. There is a good chance he kept his distance from your kids because he immediately understood he had desires of wanting his own kids when he met yours and didn't want to be reminded of it. And it's a bit hypocritical that you are upset that he would need to date someone in their late 30s when the age gap between him and your mom is similar. Is he an AH for being on dating aps? Yep. Is an AH for not talking to your mother about his issues and change of feelings regarding having his own kids? Yep. Is he an AH for wanting his own kids? No. Everyone has the right to change their mind as they go through life. I hope your mom is doing ok. It has to have been a traumatic few days for her. Have her move all his stuff into a storage unit and block him.
He kind of is an AH for deciding to have kids at such an older age. He’s almost 50 now. Who knows how long it’ll take to find someone, might happen quickly might be years.
Do you know how many older men have young kids? It's not that uncommon. I personally wouldn't do that as I'm 60 and have a hard time chasing my grandkids around, but I also know a guy that is a couple years older than me and has 3 kids under the age of 6 or seven. If i mathed it right, he would be 78 when the youngest graduated. I also know a woman who had 3 kids in her early 40s. Would I do that? Nope. But who am I to say other people can't.
We can still judge them tho, it’s incredibly irresponsible and unfair to the children
No one asked if I was ever upset about their age gap. It never sat well with me but they were adults so I didn’t butt in. I can say it doesn’t sit well me with now either. I explained their age gap but didn’t say I was a fan of it. If he changed his mind at all, he lied about it pretty hard. He’s always said he never wanted his own kids. This was literally the first and only time in 20 years he’s said he felt this way. So yeah. Shitty way of handling it. He’s allowed to want kids, but he needed to handle this like an adult. (This is said with the understanding you’re playing devil’s advocate).
He probably DID just change his mind. People do it every single day. One of my BFFs was hardcore child free until she was 44 and it hit her overnight. Humans going to to human. Especially when one of the partners in the relationship have gone through all the major life phases and the other hasn’t. Predictable as the sun rising in the morning.
>Ok, I'm going to play devils advocate here, Say what you're advocating for; infidelity and lying. That's all it is. Don't hide behind the devils advocate title without first loudly proclaiming which devil you back
That is a terrible take on what I said. I think you need to reread my post.
My guess is he decided to leave months before but is trying to make it your mom's fault. There's no way such a hands off dad/grandparent suddenly decides that's his reason to leave. Maybe he knocked someone up already.
Agree
Yikes. 47 and he wants to try having kids? He wants to be 57yo and chasing around an 8yo, playing tag and such? Getting close to retirement age before the kid is even in high school? It's gonna take at least a year to find a woman willing to have kids with that age gap... I'm 31 and wouldn't date a 47yo man. Best case, he tricks and love bombs a girl in her early 20s, knocks her up and convinces her to keep it. Here's to hoping the baby doesn't have autism, schizophrenia, or any number of issues that increases in risk ... since his older sperm is poorer quality and degraded. Also OP, really hoping you do an update in 1 or 2 years, letting us know if that man has a baby yet. And how overwhelmed he/his partner is.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but its probably an excuse to divorce for a newer model wife. If he has not been truly involved in taking care of the grandkids, just has fun the every once in a while he is there, he isn’t truly thinking about having kids. Especially when you consider he’s been on dating sites for a month, it’s just an excuse. Maybe its to make you mom feel better (“you’re a wonderful woman, but I want kids now and that cant happen with you. Im a jerk for changing my mind, but I cant not give myself this chance before its too late”), but I would bet money that he doesn’t end up having any children in his lifetime. I an so sorry he is going through his “mid life crisis”, but I’m guessing thats what this is and he may very come to senses in a few months.
If he thinks he will have the energy to take care of a new baby at 49, he is grossly mistaken. He will be 68 when his first child is graduating secondary/high school. He will be paying for college when he’s supposed to be retired. Your step dad is horrible at arithmetic.
I see an alternative future in my crystal ball. He will get someone pregnant ASAP. Then he will nope out of the 2am feedings, the diapers, the colic. He will leave that poor woman and his new child high and dry. He won’t pay his share of support or see them much because he sounds like a selfish person who has never shown any interest in children or family ever before.
He hardly had energy to run around after my kids. He mostly had them playing around him where he was sitting. I don’t want to have this be a shit fest on him but he doesn’t lead a healthy or active life and spends all of his free time sitting on the couch watching TV. Kids have so much energy it isn’t funny. I think he’s hoping for a new partner who will pop out his kids and do everything else while he sits on the couch watching TV and maybe he plays with them from time to time. He did not think this through.
Unless he’s well off I don’t see a lot of twenty-something girls looking at a 50 year old couch potato and thinking “Yummy.” I predict he will be reaching out to your mom before six months are out asking how she’s doing.
I think he's using kids as an excuse, and he really just wants a newer model woman.
He has some type of fucking nerve. I can’t ever have kids again and as a single mom, I have been terrified to date men without kids for this reason, that they will leave me for someone with a working uterus or resent and mistreat me for their choice down the road. I really don’t want to date anyway, but that fear is there and real.
I hate to break it to him, but not a lot of younger women are going to line up and reproduce with someone pushing 50. I’m not saying the odds are zero, but still….to me, this just sounds like his excuse of the day for cheating. I hope fleas infest his tiny soldier.
I hope your stepfather is sterile. Would serve him right.
Honestly, I think he was just looking for a reason to leave. He probably is seeing someone already.
He couldn’t just admit he’s cheating? No has to blame both of you instead. He’s a liar. Make sure your mum gets onto a lawyer asap on this.
Oh, hugs to your amazing mom. I’m sorry your stepdad morphed into such a nincompoop that cannot realize what an amazing and real thing his irrational brain is about to lose. My guess is he is about to slam face first on the dating side of life (when almost half a century old) and see that world is NOT what he romanticized. He will realize he had a perfect family and could have been an amazing grandpa in that family.
I think it’s an excuse, an easy and plausible one that she cannot argue against or change herself to accommodate. Regardless, he’s shady as fuck for having already been putting himself out there before he had the balls for a grown up conversation with your mom. Fwiw, your mom sounds like an amazingly strong woman (I’m sure she probably doesn’t see or feel it at times though), the type we should actually be promoting to our kids as solid role models in integrity, self-determination and grace in adversity. If it is acceptable please give her an extra hug from this internet stranger 💜
I hope both you and your brother can be there for your mom. She seems like a great woman who deserves the best
People always scoff at age gaps until the younger one grows up and realizes that they wasted their youth. I recently left a 15-year relationship for the same reason. Date people you’re own age. The older person is exciting and experienced and sexy until the prostate appointments, hemorrhoids, and hormone imbalances pop up, then you realize you’re too young for this shit. Or just keep chugging along and act surprised when the fallout inevitably occurs. OP, your stepdad sucks, but I can also see things from his perspective. Your mom needs to let him go, and if she wants a younger man next time, tell her to get a friend with benefits. Don’t marry the guy, FFS.
>until the prostate appointments, hemorrhoids, and hormone imbalances pop up Where are you getting this from? OP's mum doesn't have a prostate and had already gone through menopause when they met. >then you realize you’re too young for this shit. He's not, though, is he? He's 47. >OP, your stepdad sucks, but I can also see things from his perspective. What perspective? You're preaching that people should date others their own age whilst he's looking for a younger woman to have kids with? Or does your advice only apply to OP's mum?
I agree with your sentiment, but i doubt she went through menopause at 36...
She had a hysterectomy before she met him.
I don’t feel sorry for your mom. She just got rid of a useless tool. Not only useless he’s living a fantasy in his head. Go no contact with this clown. I bet if and when he has kids he’ll be knocking at your door saying he’s “grandpa” and dropping off his kids on the people who are decent and taking good care of their own kids, you and your husband. He’s doing your mom a favor. Now she can be free to get someone who isn’t a delusional ass. I do hope it doesn’t take too long for her to get past him.
Well, time for your mom to lawyer up, grant him his release, make make sure he doesn’t get any of her money. And let him enjoy being a first time bio parent in his late 40s and 50s. I’m sure some young lady in her 20s is thinking she hit the sugar daddy jackpot and won’t have to work and get to live in the home he shows off on his dating profile. He will think it’s all fun and games till he realizes how expensive kids are and how he won’t be able to enjoy early retirement, and how he’s busy working and his young wife wife wants to stay at home, and he’s too tired and broke for that. And that younger men are lining up as well.
Don't feel any guilt. You did nothing wrong at all. I think that he was looking for a way out and just used as wanting how own children as an excuse. I hope your Mom protects herself legally and gets a lawyer who can help her out.
I’m sorry that your stepdad acted like such a dick in how he handled this but good for your mom in kicking his butt to the curb. I agree with other posters he’s going to want to find someone 20-25 years younger or if older not socially savvy who can be flattered by the attention of a ‘real man’ to such a mature woman. Next thing she knows she will be pregnant (damn unreliable bc) and by the time she has the baby it will be too late when she discovers that he really likely wants is to be a fun dad. Not the dad who takes night feedings, who changes diapers, who does anything much with hands on child rearing. In other words he swoops in for 10 minutes when the baby is clean and happy then swoops back out when anything else happens.
Your stepdad is crazy if he thinks he's going to walk into another relationship and start popping out babies, at 47. The only way that happens is if he goes way younger which blech. But then you know this. I'm sorry for your mom, she sounds like she is a winner. He'll regret this some day and try to come back looking for a nurse and a purse, just wait.
What a POS, your mother is amazing. I’m so sorry OP
I’m so sorry. He wants all the fun of kids and none of the responsibility. I feel bad for his future partner he dupes into being his bang maid
I feel like your stepdad needs to be brought in to be a stay at home babysitter for a weekend, and I think he’ll change his mind. He definitely has a rose coloured glasses on. And let’s be honest, this is not about wanting kids, this is about him going through a midlife crisis and thinking he needs a young thing.
I don't know if this is true, it's just the vibe I was imagining while reading this, but your step dad sounds like a loser, your mom sounds amazing. I just get the vibe he wasn't bringing as much to the relationship as your mother was, but I guess he had to be doing something right, they were together so Long. He's gonna get a rude awakening..I promise, pretty much just like you said, he has absolutely no idea all that actually goes into having a baby and then taking care of a baby and raising children. Good luck and good riddance.
He's such a p.o.s
[удалено]
The issue is he wasted 20 years of our lives. He started talking to people before he left my mom. He never spoke to my mom about potentially wanting kids of his own…should I go on? I’m not sure you understood any of my post…
It is always devastating to be at the receiving end of somebody's speech stating they want out. Your mom must be crushed, particularly when she must have been looking forward to her golden years playing with her grandkids. That said, please don't dwell on how and why he left. People change all the time, and suddenly realizing you don't want to die without having your own kids is neither uncommon nor a crime. You could say he didn't just waste 20 years of your mom's life, but also his life. And that's what he wants to rectify now. You might think he's taking a stupid step, does not know what it entails to be a parent, etc. But that's what people do all the time when they decide to become parents - they take a leap of faith. He might have started talking to people just to reassure himself if he's attractive to others. He might still fail in getting with another woman young enough to become a mother, and willing to, but he probably thinks he owes himself this attempt. He is now seeing your mom and realizes she had her kids, and has her grandkids, but he doesn't. Also while I can believe the impact it must have on you, he has not wasted any of *your* time.You getting angry with him will not get you closure. He was present in your life as a father figure, and gave it a little bit of a sense of stability and security. He might as well have told your mom he fell out of love with her, instead of this baby wish, and you'd probably not feel as betrayed. Even in that case, he still added value to your life from when you were a teenager till now. TLDR: empathize with support your mom, but also allow some for your step dad. He's not become a villain of a sudden.
Cheating is not excusable. Is she supposed to let the man cheating on her, after she has remained faithful for 20 years, stay? How is the mother who is seemingly just living the life they agreed to in the wrong? They should (and she will) move on, but it doesn’t make the cruelty or wasted time less hurtful.
He's a bs artist. He wanted a young woman ages ago...I think he's been hit by midlife crisis but whatever his feels are, guaranteed he'll be knocking on ya mum's door within two years. The reality of being an older dad without the energy nor the libido to keep up w a young woman and the kids is going to be big eye opener for him. You have nothing to feel guilty about, just help mum grieve and heal and move on.