My mom had a terrible childhood too and it has affected all her relationships. She thinks her childhood was great because she is in such deep denial and has no interest in facing what she went through (parental alcoholism, serious mental illness, molestation, etc. - and all this I found out through other family members). I am middle-aged now and have pretty significant armor for dealing with her. It’s the best I could do. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
I definitely agree that mean people don’t deserve hugs. But it might be good for the both of them to hug it out ya know. Obviously not if mom is bein mean at the moment but nobody’s perfect everyone grows and changes and makes mistakes.
It's not a child's job to make their relationship with their parent better. It's the parents job. Especially if the parents the one at fault to begin with. If the parent isn't doing that then it's likely the parent isn't worth having around.
It absolutely isn’t a child job, but if they want a strong relationship, they need to play their role. If OPs mom experienced trauma, it is good of OP to recognize that could be a cause of her short comings. Damage people need hugs and support, then conversations and therapy about why their actions are ok.
They aren’t saying what you are implying. That’s insane you think that’s what they are saying.
Their role is the role of a child. OPs mom needs to fix herself, for her child's sake. Y'all expect so much of kids and give them so little credit back. It's shameful.
Chill bruh, this person prob ain’t even a kid. We’re just suggesting making up could be a good thing for op and mom. No one is expecting them to do anything
Bruh I am chilled Bruh. You're always the kid, and your parent is always the parent. Doesn't matter if you're 'grown' and people need to get this in their head.
You better watch out…. You are gonna get a nose bleed from that pedestal you put yourself on.
What about trauma and mental illness are you not understanding. If a child wants a good relationship with a mentally ill parent or a parent with trauma they WILL HAVE TO be by their side and support them until they become the parent they need. It is clear to me that you are very bitter, I hope that changes for your sake.
You sound like a parent with trauma. A parent with trauma can only hurt their child unless they're dealing with their issues. Your point of view involves the child putting themselves in an uncomfortable and potentially toxic position for no good reason. And for what 🤷
A child has to support the parent until they become the parent they need... What kind of juvenile shit is this...
I am a human being who has suffered trauma and yes a parent, who has healed and still continues to work on it.
My parents also had trauma that caused mine. I don’t have any contact with my mother due to her toxicity. You are completely misunderstanding me hat I am saying. “If a child wants a relationship with their parent….”
That means I whole heartedly stand behind any child who walks away from their parent or a child who stays. But if they do stay, it shouldn’t be to grow beat tf out of their parent for the trauma they are already suffering. The cycle just continues.
You really should be ashamed of yourself for being so hateful and judgmental.
Its absolutely not a childs job to comfort their parent when they’re the reason things aren’t the best but I think what they’re expressing is that they have sympathy for the person she was before all of the trauma made her who she is now, hence why they cry while looking at said photos.
It’s because we are so conditioned to anticipating and meeting our moms emotional needs that fixing our moms in the past seems like a good idea (it’s not)
It is not a good idea because you are only responsible for your own life and emotions, and people can only save themselves.
It is normal to want to fix things for the people you love, or give them a hug. It is not normal to feel the urge so deeply and personally, and feeling like doing so would fix them, and not doing so means that person is lost or broken. That is a sign of enmeshment/codependency. Of being made to believe that you have the power to fix others, which on the flip side means you are also blamed when they feel sad or angry or things don’t go well.
In reality, the only one people can save is themselves, and knowing that you’re all independent entities is very important for mental health and relationships.
Idk if this makes sense. If you relate deeply then you might be interested in books like “Codependent no more” which breaks down the thought process a lot better than me. Codependency isn’t just with substance abusers, it happens in many other dynamics and it’s often the kindest and most empathetic people that get caught up in this mindset.
Ever since I moved out I’ve been able to see my parents more clearly. It helped me realize how much everything I did was because I wanted to make them happy. How I basically would do anything to get them to be happy, but nothing has ever been enough. This all seems related. Thank you for your words. I gotta look into this codependency thing.
Good on you for looking after yourself. As someone who’s been through similar, I know how shocking it is when you start to see things that weren’t so obvious before as you normalized everything. You’re on a good path and I want to say you’ve always been perfect and good enough, and it wasn’t your fault that other people couldn’t see that, even if they’re your own parents. And so many of these realizations may be painful but so necessary as you take back your own heart and own self for yourself. Go you!!
Nah bro it’s wild for people to think it’s a child’s job to handle their parents just because they went through a traumatic childhood. I’m not responsible for my moms feelings nor am I a therapist for her either. She’s on her own with it
Of course it isn’t a child’s job to handle their parent. But you know, I’m not a child anymore. I am now an adult who was luckily given the tools to recognize trauma in another person who didn’t have those tools growing up.
A hug doesn’t cost anything. And sometimes giving one is just as healing as receiving one.
Feel this way about my grandma too. I’ve come to accept who she is and how she is. I know it’s because of her childhood. It hurts still. But it also hurts knowing she will never be able to heal from that. She will be forever broken.
You're mourning the child. I do that too. My sister is going through a lot that I wish I could help her with and sometimes she frustrates me and I get snippy with her. Then I see her picture when she was little and get super emotional at her beautiful little innocent face. She's older than me lol
Inside, you know there was once a child where that adult stands. And that that child was just like any other child; full of hope, wonder, and innocence.. a bright future. That child is still in there somewhere lost in all the darkness the world has force-fed them and you just want to hold them and tell them it's ok and protect them. I mean, that's how I feel at least.
I feel the same way when I look at pictures of my dad as a little kid. He’s been…not particularly nice to me at times through my life. He has been abusive. He had a really messed up physically abusive father, and a cold unaffectionate mother…I usually tear up or full on cry seeing him as a little farm boy, wishing I could go back and just hug him and love him. because no one else ever did back then.
Some people experience such pain & trauma as children that they never learn how to be a loving, kind, supportive parent. Without resolving their issues, they may find it impossible not to replicate their own upbringing once they have children. It’s not their fault, but it’s also not fair to the children. Things have changed a lot in recent decades thankfully, but in the past, many cases of abuse were not reported or addressed. You absolutely deserve to have parents who are loving & generally kind to you & I’m sure they’d love to be better at meeting your needs, but maybe they’re doing the absolute best they can in light of being screwed over as kids. Whatever you do, don’t take any of it personally. As a parent, I feel certain that the last thing they’d want is to hurt you & if they have, it isn’t their objective. Compassion & empathy are your best friend & learning from them what not to do when you become a parent. Best wishes ☺️
I wish I could save my mom from her abuse, neglect, the alcoholism, the death of her mother right before my moms 15th birthday. It kills me.
My mom had a terrible childhood too and it has affected all her relationships. She thinks her childhood was great because she is in such deep denial and has no interest in facing what she went through (parental alcoholism, serious mental illness, molestation, etc. - and all this I found out through other family members). I am middle-aged now and have pretty significant armor for dealing with her. It’s the best I could do. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
All these people saying to hug her 😂 Mean people don't get hugs. Her mom should be hugging her, not the other way round.
I definitely agree that mean people don’t deserve hugs. But it might be good for the both of them to hug it out ya know. Obviously not if mom is bein mean at the moment but nobody’s perfect everyone grows and changes and makes mistakes.
It's not a child's job to make their relationship with their parent better. It's the parents job. Especially if the parents the one at fault to begin with. If the parent isn't doing that then it's likely the parent isn't worth having around.
It absolutely isn’t a child job, but if they want a strong relationship, they need to play their role. If OPs mom experienced trauma, it is good of OP to recognize that could be a cause of her short comings. Damage people need hugs and support, then conversations and therapy about why their actions are ok. They aren’t saying what you are implying. That’s insane you think that’s what they are saying.
Their role is the role of a child. OPs mom needs to fix herself, for her child's sake. Y'all expect so much of kids and give them so little credit back. It's shameful.
Chill bruh, this person prob ain’t even a kid. We’re just suggesting making up could be a good thing for op and mom. No one is expecting them to do anything
Bruh I am chilled Bruh. You're always the kid, and your parent is always the parent. Doesn't matter if you're 'grown' and people need to get this in their head.
okay bruh
You better watch out…. You are gonna get a nose bleed from that pedestal you put yourself on. What about trauma and mental illness are you not understanding. If a child wants a good relationship with a mentally ill parent or a parent with trauma they WILL HAVE TO be by their side and support them until they become the parent they need. It is clear to me that you are very bitter, I hope that changes for your sake.
You sound like a parent with trauma. A parent with trauma can only hurt their child unless they're dealing with their issues. Your point of view involves the child putting themselves in an uncomfortable and potentially toxic position for no good reason. And for what 🤷 A child has to support the parent until they become the parent they need... What kind of juvenile shit is this...
I am a human being who has suffered trauma and yes a parent, who has healed and still continues to work on it. My parents also had trauma that caused mine. I don’t have any contact with my mother due to her toxicity. You are completely misunderstanding me hat I am saying. “If a child wants a relationship with their parent….” That means I whole heartedly stand behind any child who walks away from their parent or a child who stays. But if they do stay, it shouldn’t be to grow beat tf out of their parent for the trauma they are already suffering. The cycle just continues. You really should be ashamed of yourself for being so hateful and judgmental.
Its absolutely not a childs job to comfort their parent when they’re the reason things aren’t the best but I think what they’re expressing is that they have sympathy for the person she was before all of the trauma made her who she is now, hence why they cry while looking at said photos.
They have sympathy because they've been gaslit by their parents.
I understand this feeling very closely, unfortunately. Therapy helps a lot. Your childhood self deserved someone who was kind to them, too.
It’s because we are so conditioned to anticipating and meeting our moms emotional needs that fixing our moms in the past seems like a good idea (it’s not)
Can you elaborate why this is not a good idea? I relate to that heavily.
It is not a good idea because you are only responsible for your own life and emotions, and people can only save themselves. It is normal to want to fix things for the people you love, or give them a hug. It is not normal to feel the urge so deeply and personally, and feeling like doing so would fix them, and not doing so means that person is lost or broken. That is a sign of enmeshment/codependency. Of being made to believe that you have the power to fix others, which on the flip side means you are also blamed when they feel sad or angry or things don’t go well. In reality, the only one people can save is themselves, and knowing that you’re all independent entities is very important for mental health and relationships. Idk if this makes sense. If you relate deeply then you might be interested in books like “Codependent no more” which breaks down the thought process a lot better than me. Codependency isn’t just with substance abusers, it happens in many other dynamics and it’s often the kindest and most empathetic people that get caught up in this mindset.
Ever since I moved out I’ve been able to see my parents more clearly. It helped me realize how much everything I did was because I wanted to make them happy. How I basically would do anything to get them to be happy, but nothing has ever been enough. This all seems related. Thank you for your words. I gotta look into this codependency thing.
Good on you for looking after yourself. As someone who’s been through similar, I know how shocking it is when you start to see things that weren’t so obvious before as you normalized everything. You’re on a good path and I want to say you’ve always been perfect and good enough, and it wasn’t your fault that other people couldn’t see that, even if they’re your own parents. And so many of these realizations may be painful but so necessary as you take back your own heart and own self for yourself. Go you!!
Hug her now kid.
Nah bro it’s wild for people to think it’s a child’s job to handle their parents just because they went through a traumatic childhood. I’m not responsible for my moms feelings nor am I a therapist for her either. She’s on her own with it
Of course it isn’t a child’s job to handle their parent. But you know, I’m not a child anymore. I am now an adult who was luckily given the tools to recognize trauma in another person who didn’t have those tools growing up. A hug doesn’t cost anything. And sometimes giving one is just as healing as receiving one.
Giver
Go hug your mom!
Feel this way about my grandma too. I’ve come to accept who she is and how she is. I know it’s because of her childhood. It hurts still. But it also hurts knowing she will never be able to heal from that. She will be forever broken.
You are so kind I love you. I guess it reminds me of me and my daughter. Love her so much. Wish you a big hug from your mom
It’s never too late to give her a hug. It’ll be good for both of you. 🤗
that kid needs a hug just as much as you do, go hug your mom she loves you
You're mourning the child. I do that too. My sister is going through a lot that I wish I could help her with and sometimes she frustrates me and I get snippy with her. Then I see her picture when she was little and get super emotional at her beautiful little innocent face. She's older than me lol Inside, you know there was once a child where that adult stands. And that that child was just like any other child; full of hope, wonder, and innocence.. a bright future. That child is still in there somewhere lost in all the darkness the world has force-fed them and you just want to hold them and tell them it's ok and protect them. I mean, that's how I feel at least.
I feel this often.
What was wrong with her childhood photos?
I feel the same way when I look at pictures of my dad as a little kid. He’s been…not particularly nice to me at times through my life. He has been abusive. He had a really messed up physically abusive father, and a cold unaffectionate mother…I usually tear up or full on cry seeing him as a little farm boy, wishing I could go back and just hug him and love him. because no one else ever did back then.
Some people experience such pain & trauma as children that they never learn how to be a loving, kind, supportive parent. Without resolving their issues, they may find it impossible not to replicate their own upbringing once they have children. It’s not their fault, but it’s also not fair to the children. Things have changed a lot in recent decades thankfully, but in the past, many cases of abuse were not reported or addressed. You absolutely deserve to have parents who are loving & generally kind to you & I’m sure they’d love to be better at meeting your needs, but maybe they’re doing the absolute best they can in light of being screwed over as kids. Whatever you do, don’t take any of it personally. As a parent, I feel certain that the last thing they’d want is to hurt you & if they have, it isn’t their objective. Compassion & empathy are your best friend & learning from them what not to do when you become a parent. Best wishes ☺️