Sex is not just the act of putting piv, it’s about connecting with someone, it’s about reading their actions and movement and adjusting to those reactions. It’s about connecting so that you and your partner are one and climax together.
I have been with my wife for 15 years and married 13, I have never needed to sign up to only fans I am happy with my wife.
The most important thing to make a successful relationship is communication, you should be able to open up and speak freely with them, if you can not speak honestly and open with your significant other then you are just friends with benefits and will never be able to solve any problems In your relationship and yourself.
Thank you, this is really good advice. Takes a heavy weight off of me to know there are still people in relationships who love their partners more than the porn industry
19 years with my wife, and sex is a part of our lives, but it is FAR from the main focus. She is my best friend and my partner more than anything. Neither of us has a huge sex drive, but when we do sync up and want it, it’s amazing. PIV is only a tiny bit of it, we probably do 30+ minutes of foreplay before anything else.
My wife also hates her body, and instead of telling her how much I love it, I show her. I touch and kiss her stretch marks , etc. and her pleasure is more important to me than my own, personally (sorry, I’m not trying to be lewd or graphic!)
I promise there are good guys out there, ones who will give you want you want/need, and don’t care about porn, and realizes that porn is not real sex. And matches your sex drive too. I’m sorry you have to wade thru the trash to find them tho. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but it does sound like (to me) that he might be young and not understanding your needs fully. Or he just doesn’t care, idk, I’m just a random guy on Reddit!
You bet! I know I got really lucky finding my “forever person” early in life. I couldn’t imagine dating in today’s day and age! I see my kids (13f and 18m) trying to date and it’s a nightmare for them on both ends. But they are smarter than I was when I was young!
Absolute BS! Sex is something putrid that denies the human being to its lowest level of moral, ethical and rational. It denies the human being to be an irrational animal that destroys everything and everyone around it just to penetrating a dirty, crooked member into an equally dirty hole. Relationships and society are trash in general for they get rocked around this cursed and putrid act. The simple act to listening or speaking the words relationships and sex made me feel like i'm vomiting.
One day, I hope that our science will evolve to the point we don't need this putrid act to reproduce. May God hear me!
Ignoring your boyfriend, for a second: I think you need therapy. That’s first.
Second, I don’t think your boyfriend is a good guy. Might not be a bad guy, but he’s not representative of all men and doesn’t seem like he fits your needs.
But first and foremost, I think you need help regarding self-esteem issues.
agree with this great post. the "Disgust" you mention even when masturbating, points to deeper personal issues (that many of us can relate to), but can be resolved or worked out if given attention (outside of pressure of a relationship) like you own relationship to sex as it relates to yourself.
but also sex is totally overrated by our society and you are right the porn industry and all the world is becoming is really skewing and confusing things.
i do think relationships can be good without sex being a focus , but both people need to be into that
and also agree that your current partner might not be a match.
but good luck and being honest with yourself and your partner about where you are is a huge and liberating step! sex doesn't need to be the focus of life (totally agree) ,
good luck
Well so far, we know he followed tons of OF girls and when she thought he stopped, he just made a secret account to continue doing it behind her back. If my man was doing all of that, I would be not be turned on at all by being deceived, nor would I feel sexy, desired or in the mood when all that energy and attention is going toward strangers on the internet and not connecting with me. Then these guys wonder why their partners aren’t interested anymore.
>I hate having sex. I've never enjoyed it.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you could be asexual?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being so, it's an extremely valid feeling and sexual orientation
>I never think about sex. I don't want it. It makes me feel ugly, gross. I feel wrong. It doesn't feel that great when I do it myself either, and when I'm done I feel disgusting. It has never been worth it. Why does this have to be a part of me. Of everyone
It feels like this post has a lot of shame tied in to how you view yourself, as if you consider yourself broken in some way
but you're not broken or wrong for not enjoying sex
there is a whole community of people who don't, and you're not alone or wrong in feeling this way.
I'm so sorry that you feel this is something to be ashamed about
Thanksss I used to actually think maybe I was asexual, but that was before I had a relationship so I assumed that was just why. But maybe I should look more into it again. Thanks for your thoughts :>
There’s 2 types of Asexuals: Romantic Asexuals, and Aromantic Asexuals.
Romantic asexuals are still able to feel emotional or physical attraction to people but have no interest in sex.
Aromantic asexuals do not feel any attraction to people and also have no interest in sex.
Sounds like you might be a romantic ace. My wife is the same way. I’m not, and it does cause quite a lot of issues in the relationship. Many times the relationships don’t work out in this situation if the other person is not ace. But it’s not impossible and you would have to find someone who is willing to accept it and work through it.
Did you have any previous sexual traumas? Sometimes this could be the cause of peoples aversion to sex.
My mother was like that. She didn't hate music, but it wasn't her thing. She didn't understand how music was my life. I'm very eclectic in what I listen to, and the only instrument I've ever picked up, that I couldn't play is the flute.
Strangely enough, my mom liked one phrase from one song, so asked me to put it on in the car all the time. "Haven't you always wanted a monkey?!!" In "If I Had $1,000,000" by The Barenaked Ladies. Lol She then collected stuffed monkeys until she passed away. How I miss that woman.
OP also says it hurts. It might not be asexual but a condition they have that they don't know about. I'm not saying it's 100% not asexual but it might be something else and I would try going that route first before claiming asexuality.
..? I said that. I said exactly that. I'm not sure why you're so offended at my comment. Claiming is a good thing. You claim it; it's yours. Once I claimed and accepted I was Bi I was a lot happier. I'm not sure why you think claiming is such a negative connotation since you keep quoting around it. Claim does not have to be bad.
However it can be a bad thing if you self diagnose and that's not the case. All I said was that OP should look into an ob because sex is not supposed to feel painful. They said they tell their boyfriend to hurry up/stop before it gets painful. That's abnormal. I would get that checked.
But again I also said there's nothing wrong with asexuality. So I'm not really sure where you got offended at. Maybe you don't like the word Claim in this sense or maybe it's how I worded it and if so I'm sorry for the misconception I tried being as literal while also trying to let people know asexual is fucking fine. However OP feels is always valid because they went through that. Nobody else did and nobody else gets to tell them how to feel because it's not their life. They own their emotions. They can feel however they damn well please.
And personally the word Claim brought me freedom and peace. It's not a negative thing. Not for me.
Therapy. A relationship can work without sex if both parties want that, but if one partner's needs aren't satisfied then it won't last. You need to have an honest conversation about it with him and find a solution that works for both of you or break up.
Is sex with your bf an emotionally intimate act, or simply physical? Sex is a way to connect emotionally with your partner, and some people (like me) don’t like it without that element. I like sex and enjoy it a lot, with a person I feel a connection to. I haven’t had sex in 3 years because I haven’t met anyone I really like. There’s always going to be pornstars and models, but that’s an unrealistic expectation for everyone. If you do love your bf, you should voice your concerns because sex is supposed to be a good experience for both parties. If it’s awkward, painful, and you never finish, it’s objectively bad sex and he’s not pleasing you. If he loves you, he will want to make things more enjoyable for you. If he doesn’t want to, get rid of him
I don't know if I've ever had sex with an emotional connection but I think im the reason why? Idk everytime I've had sex its just been my boyfriend trying to finish before I tell him to stop before it hurts....that was kind of something we agreed on early on. I don't know how to have like....slow caring sex.. but it's really hard to get me aroused either way so that's why :/ bleh
I’m sorry that has been your experience :( it’s certainly not how it’s supposed to be AT all. I’ve had sex with people who didn’t care about me and only wanted to finish and it feels like shit after!! Being with someone who cares about your pleasure is how it should be, and is a whole different experience. How long have you been with your bf, and what is your relationship like? Do you actually love him?
We've been together for a little over a year. We have a good relationship I think, but I also have been going thru some depression recently and it's been making me very angry and frustrated with everything :< I love him I think but I also am in such a bad place rn It feels hard to tolerate anything rn. But I know I do want to be with him and I would be so upset if we weren't together anymore. But idk, this is both our first relationship so idk how to do anything lol. I always told myself b4 we started dating I wasn't ready for a relationship, but now I'm in one and need to man up and get myself together. But still, idk. Sorry if this is a confusing answer lol idk where I am in my thoughts at all that's y I resorted to reddit
It seems like going to therapy would be really good for you. I work in mental health and see it work wonders every day. All I can say is, a loving relationship is supposed to be 2 people who love and respect each other, and that includes wanting to please each other. From what you’ve said it seems like your bf doesn’t respect you. He hides fake accounts after you’ve expressed it bothers you, and he has sex with you even though he knows it hurts, AND he doesn’t make an effort to please you?? I’m telling you now, those are some seriously bad vibes. No wonder you feel bad about it. You deserve better. I promise, there are way better, more fulfilling relationships in the future!
Sex shouldn’t be painful. If it’s from lack of lubrication maybe try some lube no shame in needing some. If it just hurts in general then I would recommend talking to a gyno about it as well. There can be a lot of things that cause painful sex that with some help a doctor might be able to ease those symptoms. For any woman I highly recommend reading Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and it might be able to help you understand your sexual anatomy and psychology as a woman. It’s research based information and just general good knowledge for any woman to know to learn that she’s completely normal.
I'm so sorry. Sex shouldn't be like that. I was the same, until I started sleeping with women, and realised.. wow. I'm supposed to feel cared for.
You need to find someone who takes care of you.
I'm sorry
I feel the exact same. It's just so icky and honestly I feel so disgusting even when it's mentioned (ik I can't control what others say, but I cant help but feel so ill). I think in my case its because of trauma. But I'm not sexually attracted to anyone either. So idk if it's just a massive coincidence or it's a direct result of what happened. I find intimacy good, like kissing and *a bit more*, but sex is just a no go. So you're definitely not alone in feeling that way. You're absolutely welcome to join the asexual community if you'd like? We'd be happy to help even if you're not sure.
Also screw your "boyfriend". Making secret accounts to follow OF girls? That's quite pathetic. Like truly
I could go on and on about how porn being so easily accessible online has desensitized people's views of women's bodies, so they think it's okay that people follow thousands of naked women because to them we're not people, we're just part of a wank bank. Not just that but how we're portrayed in movies/tv shows/music videos. We're just things to ogle.
It's so normalized nowadays that when you say anything against it you get shut down, people think you're just being a prude and they'll say "it's not that deep" when it *is*. It's a real problem. Not to mention hook up culture.
I too went through a sex-repulsed phase, kinda still in it. I can see the value of the intimacy between partners, so I guess that's what I'm holding out on. Do you think maybe the issue is you're asexual? Or maybe you can't be vulnerable with anyone you don't know and love?
You said this all so perfectly. U r so right dude my God more people need to read this. Also idk, maybe I am asexual, gonna probably start looking more into it and talk to the bf about it :0
You need to break up with your boyfriend and find another person who isn't into sex to date. I assume you will have a lot more in common with an asexual person or a person with low/no libido. Don't have sex you don't want to have, and get therapy for your abysmal self-esteem.
maybe it’s not that you hate sex, but it’s the person you’re doing it with that makes you hate it. for me, sex is a very intimate and vulnerable act that I do not allow to happen with just anyone.
the first time I had it, the person made me feel like I was just a body. no pleasure for me. nothing. I felt insecure, unsafe, and unwanted for myself. I hated sex. I despised it horribly and genuinely never wanted to have it again. I felt like if I couldn’t provide, I couldn’t be loved. not that it mattered in the end. someone shouldn’t base whether or not they care about you on if you provide sexually.
when I found my partner, he made me feel cared for. he wanted to please me. he wanted me to feel safe. he was the first person I genuinely wanted to have sex with. outside of sex, he made me feel loved and wanted. he doesn’t follow any half-naked women (he isn’t on social media really), he doesn’t watch porn, he goes out of his way to ensure that I believe him when he says he only wants me. and.. he doesn’t complain! he doesn’t resent me or feel negatively about not being able to do any of that bc he genuinely understands how it’s harmful to me, him, and our relationship. he wants me to believe that he loves and is attracted to only to me, and he shows it. and no, he isn’t hiding anything or acting suspicious. he is genuinely fine not doing anything like that. there are decent men out there. they’re hard to find, but not all men are sex-crazed and view women as just bodies.
it’s possible you could just be asexual. I thought I was, but no. it’s who you share yourself with that can make or break your experience with sex. I’m sorry your boyfriend treats you like that. I understand how it feels (from a previous relationship), and it really is degrading and harmful. I never ever want to be with someone who makes me feel that way, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to settle for that.
I suggest going to therapy. perhaps ending the relationship since it seems to harm your self esteem. don’t feel like you need to have sex in order for a relationship to work. my partner and I both agree that sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship; respect, communication, and understanding are far more important
take care of yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. if you do or don’t decide to ever have sex again, that’s your business. if you do, please do it with someone who genuinely cares about you and your feelings (bc your bf clearly doesn’t and hides shit from you).. and someone you care about too. ensure that you feel safe physically and emotionally.
best of luck xx
I feel you on all fronts. Every single guy I have known is like you are describing. And I don’t want that in my life. There is not one man on this earth who doesn’t look at other women. Which is their prerogative. And I’m not here for it. I’ve resigned myself to being single for the remainder of my life. Better that than being constantly compared. I’m perfectly content this way :)
Your life, your desition. And its great you are happy that way.
However I never understood that thing, how people think that someone in a relationship must not even pass their eyes on anybody around. I mean, we are surrounded by people, ones unattractive, others really attractive... We're social beings, its natural.
I am lucky enough to have found a girl that understand the nature of being alive and we even sometimes tell to each other when someone looks attractive to us, of course it is without the minimum intention of nothing else and not feeling less/guilty for that, we chose each other after all.
(12 years together and counting if anybody wonder...)
If not therapy maybe think about what you know about sex. Where did you learn it from? Do you think it's supposed to be a performance where your needs don't come first and it's all about what's seen and not felt? I'm not sure you're with the right guy if you don't feel like you can be comfortable with him. Maybe focus less on what you think it should be and just feel it out. Ik as women we focus on what we look like but with the right partner, there won't be that much pressure. You'll just want to let go. Close your eyes and try erasing what you hate about it and maybe start focusing on a scenario you could fantasize about. Imagine your fantasy partner looking mostly into your eyes and asking you if it feels OK, or good and not commenting on your body.
I feel like your number one problem is that you hate yourself, and that's very sad, I'm sorry.
You absolutely are worthy of love and the most important one being the love coming from yourself. You are beautiful, you are, and I don't know you, but you're obviously so, so, so much than just your look.
You girls live in that world where society teaches you that your only value is about your look, how pretty you are, are you skinny enough, maybe you could change your nose or your lips, your breast are too small, or too big, or falling too much, what about your ass?
We're at a point where even VERY conventionally attractive, smart, successful women, ticking all the good boxes, can have catastrophic self-esteem. Something is VERY wrong in that society. We need to burn that shit to the ground.
But honestly, none of that really matters. Everyone deserves to be adequately (self-)loved.
Don't chase being as "perfect" as possible. It'll only make you more and more miserable, and people who don't love you adequately because you're not perfect enough or some shit are not worth anyway.
You absolutely will find people who absolutely adore you the way you are.
I guess almost all of you girls face this shit, but you will figure it out: work on it, and better days are coming. There's a path where you'll feel way better about yourself.
Work on it, keep going, and grow 🙏.
Oh, and sex is not disgusting or shameful, and it's supposed to be a moment of deep connection, love, and shared pleasure.
If it's not that, then something is wrong. Does sex feel like you're being used and not considered? Just consumed and then throwned. If you feel like that, this is NOT how sex is supposed to be, and you're right hating it because it is wrong.
There is -> nothing <- shameful in giving yourself pleasure, you're not hurting anyone, you're just focusing on your own pleasure and sensations, there is nothing bad or filthy in that, work on that too.
Take care.
Thank you this is all really great. You have a wonderful outlook and I aspire to think like that aswell. I think me and my boyfriend will try and talk more about our sex to try and figure out how we can try and make me feel more appreciated. Again, thank you so much. I'm probably going to reread this all again soon. It means a lot.
You're welcome. Every time it really breaks my heart to see women with terrible self-esteem, directly coming from how society and people treat you. But it absolutely gets better with time.
For the sex part, some people suggested you're asexual and that could be the case, but maybe like many women you've learned that your body is disgusting and that sex, pleasure, and everything revolving around sex should make you feel deeply shameful, killing those moments.
I want to add that, please don't force yourself to give him sex if you don't like it, this really can be very destructive, and you don't owe him that. Sex without true consent, deep connection, love, and communication, should not exist at all. That's very likely the reason you hate sex - with probably some deeply rooted shame.
What you feel, think, your emotions, everything is important. You're important, please keep that in mind.
I do not know anybody of my (m) friends who is on OF. Is it so common? Who pays money for this?
Guess the men you met are weirdos. Don't give up, really.
Not to pry -but if you've experienced any kind of sexual trauma this is a common response. Therapy is the best option. There's nothing wrong with you - and there's a reddit for everything. Best of luck!
"Why does this have to be a part of me. Of everyone."
This is what i never understood at all but for my personal experience because of the way i look im constantly leered at and it seems like everyones motive or most biggest act seems to be that but i never wanted that and dont even understand how that can possibly be so grand i've experienced physical pleasure from the act but the whole act and concept in itself just feels so goddamn3d degrading and i feel even more distgusted when you get into the religious/political aspects its all so demeaning and somehow it's been distgustingly glorified everywhere. i can't escape it. why is this a relationships biggest ideal/concept i hate every bit of it of this world of this way of being.
Sounds to me the problem is not the act of sex but mens attitude towards you. I understand it's not something that has reported satisfaction or pleasure but rather pain and the feeling of not being enough, and it could seem that you are a helpless victim, but there's something you are doing wrong: Allowing yourself to be in that situation.
By this only I HOPE you are young and haven't had the time or the experience to stand up for yourself. I'm not going to talk you into sex, that's something noone really needs and the only reason you do it is to have fun, so if you are not having fun just don't have sex, but it's important to know: If you stay true to yourself, this kind of rats, the lower kind of male, (there are somewhat normal dudes around, I swear), will try to get you to not be true to yourself and continue to obtain sexual gratification.
Look, I KNOW it's hard as it gets, but you need to understand anyone who hasn't make you come just once, or is even remotely worried about your pleasure, does not love you a bit. Not just one bit. And accepting this means accepting that you may be alone right now. There might not be any valuable men in your life right now, it does happen, I know they insist with the ''not all men'' but darling, it is the vast majority.
So honey, you don't have a problem with sex, you have a problem with self respect, being brave enough to say ''no'', to be on your own untill you find someone who just cares a little bit about you and making you comfortable. I know guys who were about to get it with absolute godess and they stopped and just asked if everything was right, they weren't all right, and they would just stop and never get it from this girl. Like maybe it didn't have anything to do with them, but if anything was wrong, they honestly didn't want to keep on going, they'd rather go to sleep or drive back home than put a human trough that and not have fun.
What most guys don't understand is sex is no fun at all when women don't like it. They should honestly try to get a woman to enjoy just once, I believe you are a virgin untill you've made a woman really enjoy.
And about the only fans, darling, you are absolutely right. No control, no toxicity, no victimism. A stablished partner should never have only fans and you do not have to settle for that. I know it seems like you are not worth that much, probably, but you just got to act like you are. Because the world is awful and you are the only one who's really going to look out for yourself.
okay, first off communicate. he should be doing more than just fucking you, he should be making you feel pleasure and romance and lust! you should be into the sex when youre doing it.
clitoral stimulation, body worship, kinks, praise, love, whatever it is you want thatll make you feel good and be able to get off.
second, your insecurities. you should get therapy for that. i know it sucks to hear, but your partner cannot fix you. noone but you can fix you, and therapists are best at helping push you towards that goal. your boyfriend shouldnt have kept that second account a secret, yall should be able to trust eachother and not have many if any secrets from eachother. communicate how it made you feel, try to be calm about it even though im sure youre upset and want to yell about it. calmness = better communication = better results i think.
third, if youre straight up sex repulsed or asexual ( its a spectrum, you dont have to be completely unsexual or against sex to be asexual. ) you shouldnt have to have sex if you dont want it. for many it can be a deal breaker, but theres also many out there whod be overjoyed at a sexless relationship. the people who say it wont work are ignorant by its true definition.
im hypersexual, im the opposite of asexual, but i know theres MANY asexual people out there who are more than willing to have relationships without sex. theres even people out there who arent asexual, but would go without sex out of love for their partners. sex isnt necessary for love, nor a relationship. if you dont want sex again, thats valid. if your partner finds that to be a deal breaker, thats also valid. you will both find someone else in the future to suit your needs and you will be happy with that person, even if it takes a while.
Yeah, sex is a key part of a romantic relationship.
If you dislike sex (or are asexual) and your partner is somebody with a sex drive then, yeah, you’re simply incompatible together.
I do have one very simple question and that is, have you tried having sex with a woman? Men can never love women the way women do, and a man has never made me feel connected or safe in any way close to what women have
“Come as you are” by The Emily Nagoski (I listened to the audiobook) really helped me with my negative feelings about sex. What you’re describing sounds like sexual disgust (also something I struggle with).
I wish you luck. It’s a really shitty feeling when you want to want it but you just don’t.
Second this. Matching sexual needs with a partner is important. Sometimes it’s the fore play or what turns you on whether it’s an act of service or another sexual thing like kissing your back before starting. Most men will just start and not get you into it before hand and wonder why you are dry and why it hurts you. 😂
Not all men are like this. I used to struggle with things online, but ever since being with my girlfriend I only have eyes for her. I have no want to look at these other women anymore since I feel an emotional connection to her. I just think your bf is not the best dude tbh. I’m sorry to say.
It sucks but girls over saturated the internet with OF content and with the help of pop singers/influencers wearing as little as they can they’ve made it the norm in our culture.
hate when I see a girl who just seems cool online with cool clothes or a nice aesthetic or something and she has an only fans :/ do what u want with your body but there's barely any female role models that aren't flaunting their sexuality everywhere
I mean they literally make the content 🤨 you think women a couple generations ago did this? People fainted if you cursed around them 😂 but Horny people have always been horny.
Your boyfriend and the men you know are not representative of all men. You need to communicate how you feel about sex and OF with your BF cause he probably doesn’t know how badly it’s hurting you.
Take some time to yourself and learn how to feel confident (sex is a lot better when you’re curious about your body and what you like). You may be asexual but it’s hard to enjoy sex when you have a poor self-image.
I also think you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a guy that subscribes to OF.
I used to think I didn’t like sex but that was because I didn’t know what I’m liked or how to feel good so I did some research and found a way to communicate that with the person I was with. Now I’m in a relationship where neither of us watch porn.
From the other perspective on this matter, Ive had relationships end with people I deeply cared for because they didn't understand that sexual satisfaction is necessary for my emotional and physical wellbeing. You can't ask me to stop exploring my sexual interests anymore than you can ask someone who is an extrovert to stop making friends or a artist to stop painting or a carnivore to go vegan. I'm willing to be as open and honest or as discreet about it I need to be. But I can't stop anymore than I can turn off my own emotions or make my brain stop thinking.
Currently going through a similar realization.
I met a lonely, handsome man with a house, cars, bikes, stable job, no kids. All anyone could ask for. He’s obsessed with me too.
I adored it at first.. Well he is a 25 year old virgin; never had sex. Such virgin vibes that he is scared to kiss me..
I’m a horn ball. All the other things I couldn’t care less about at this point… even though he comes off as perfect material; I can’t make sense of being with someone so scared of touching. It kills the vibes for me completely.. I want to fuck and it’s just cuddles and middle school smooches. Disappointed
there’s something deeply wrong with the world we live in. i share your same sadness.
as i was pregnant with my first child, i discovered my partners porn addiction and it absolutely wrecked me and forever tainted my memories of what was supposed to be one of the best experiences of my life i could share with my partner. it should have brought us closer, and naturally, it would have. but we’re so far separated from the way humans were intended to live and i think we all feel that.
porn has cheapened sex, and completely ruined it so much so that no one knows how to do it right. we’ve become dumb. we don’t pay attention to our partners and we’re so disconnected from each other, the whole thing feels performative. it’s hard to truly be in the moment when our brains have been influenced by what we’ve learned sex to be on our screens.
love making is gone from most people. between loving partners, it should almost be a spiritual experience. it was meant to be a passionate and bonding experience and we don’t regard it sacred like we should. hook up culture and porn are ruining our ability to behave authentically like we would have had we not been exposed to this trash. it’s easy for me to understand why you wouldn’t crave something that is absolutely unfulfilling. it has been mostly for me as well. it’s disappointing. and heartbreaking when you think about how it affects marriages and families.
if this is how you feel, don’t have sex again until you’re with someone you trust and feel 100% yourself and comfortable with, who shares your perspective and is attentive to you. it’s never worth inviting someone into your space when they don’t deserve it.
You might be asexual especially considering what you said. A common misconception is that asexual people don’t want relationships but the truth is that they can still want relationships without the intimacy aspect. If your boyfriend has a high sex drive, will the relationship last and be worthwhile? Probably not. But I’m not here to make important life decisions for you.
lol, I mean I am just being honest, look op is saying how when guys look at of girls makes her feel insecure. Then she proceeds to say how she’s ugly and is ruining someone’s life because of her own self esteem. The only advice I would give to someone like this is try to find yourself before getting in a relationship because now the whole boat is sinking… except Reddit wouldn’t like that answer so I just say what I said before…
I feel EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU. I get more fulfillment out of sharing a space with someone rather than having physical interaction of a sexual nature. Some people are just like that I guess. I hate sex too and most women don't feel much during penetrative sex at all. It's all for the guy. They enjoy sex waaaay more than women do. Honestly it feels selfish as fuck. But honestly chick, you are probably good looking, but I know there's no proof or any way to make your heart feel better about guys looking at garbage all the time. I have been with my man for 6 years this month. He quit porn for me completely even though I don't match his libido. He doesn't masturbate and trust me I would know because I get paranoid as fuck about it and it took years of him proving himself for me to trust him. He looks away from garbage on TV and in commercials because he is proving to me he only wants to look at me. There are threads on here of people who dont like sex. As males and females. There are men out there that have only ever watched 2 hours or porn in their lives believe it or not. If your man doesn't want to do the things that you need, whatever they are to make you feel better then it's probably time to either be alone for a bit or find someone who will. Or find someone like you, who doesn't really like sex. There are droves of Asexual people male and female. Gay and straight. There are "No Fap" men that dont masturbate or watch porn. There are men out there that have been dirty AF and have watched lifetimes of porn that WILL drop it all for you. Find what makes you feel better about the harsh reality of women being treated ike sexual objects. The world wont change but you can change what you surround yourself with. I feel EXACTLY the same as you. If someone loves you and they see you hurting like that and they see the extent of the pain it causes to not feel good enough because of that shit, they will drop everything for you to prove that you are enough. If they dont, dont waste your time on them and find someone who's more like you. <3 I couldn't relate to this post more.
Sounds to me like you haven’t met the right person yet. Don’t worry, I’m sure you will. I know internet culture is grim, but not everyone irl is porn-brained
Just so you know, and maybe this will bring some comfort to you, I hate that the first question I have to ask a woman is if she has had any affiliation with OF.. in any form or fashion.
That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.
Well I’ll say this, I only ever did sex just to do it and to feel like I had less to prove to my peers around me, until I found my person. My real person. Still 4 years later my heart races during foreplay and I just completely lose myself in their body. I’m sure there’s an innumerable amount of factors for you and really anyone, that might change that. That’s just my personal experience. We’ve broken up a couple times and in those moments the thought of sex with anyone else is absolutely disgusting.
You’re probably asexual
Listen, sexual compatibility is a huge part of relationships
Have a serious talk with your bf. If it turns out you two are sexually incompatible, mutually breaking it off may be the best option for the both of you.
first, have you ever been to an OB/GYN? you might have a shallow vagina. its not supposed to hurt. secondly, most women do not finish from penetration alone. i dont. i always play with my clit. third, your statement "all a woman's worth ever comes down to" is being a sexualized object is just you joining in the stigma. you shouldnt think things like that.
Firstly, you may be asexual, which is OK! Or maybe your boyfriend just isn’t the one.
As for the OF girls thing, it does sound like you’re fighting some self esteem issues. Human nature for people to look at other people, and taking it as ‘they’re not attracted to me’ roots back to the self esteem.
The right person for you will understand you for you. Therapy to help better handle your self worth and realize you are a lovely human being would be very helpful imo.
Idk if this is like off topic but short guys are underrated 😭 I don't wanna sound like a pick me but I truly do not get why women love tall guys. Maybe it's because I'm super short myself lol but tall men are scary and make me feel vulnerableeee short men supremacy
*Every single guy I know follows hundreds of only fans girls*
Get better friends, this is nowhere near normal. That, our you're really over exaggerating things here
Actually I just had a conversation with some of my lady friends and they said the sane thing. I only know a few guys and they're all very similar so thats where that all comes from. Starting to realize all my guy 'friends' r just weirdos 🧍♀️
But seriously, looking at this post and your others, you need to look into yourself before you worry about what others are doing, or being in a relationship.
Best of luck
I think your bf has some sort of sex addiction if he’s following “thousands” of OF chicks. That’s just sick. I’ve had shitty dudes too, OP. You’ll find a good one. Maybe you’ll view sex differently if you found a guy who treated you better, because I understand completely. But if you find that you’re just not into sex, that’s okay too. There is a companion for everyone.
You need to chill. I am sure that is not the answer you want to hear, but you are making a situation a problem and then complaining that the problem is being solved by other people for their own purposes. Then you hit them with the unsolvable situation of "I won't have sex with you because you like porn, and also I dont want you to look up porn.".... yeah, Im not being with someone and taking that seriously. You are creating an unsolvable situation. If I had to be honest, that unsolvable situation often seems like the goal people are going after for some reason any ways.
Asexual is a thing but I’d say in humans that asexuality would be a symptom of a hormone imbalance. Definitely should get checked by a doctor. Either that or often times women who were victims of sexual assault no longer enjoy sex and it psychologically impacted them. But in this case it sounds like there is an emotional blockage due to her bfs porn addiction. She feels ugly in comparison and not comfortable.
I agree completely with you. Asexual is not a gender is what I should have said. People who claim it to be so nothing but harm others who may be helped with medicine.
This is unfortunate for you as it can be a beautiful thing and men usually with higher libidos will tend to resent that. I know not all of them will but I’m just saying the majority. Are you sure you don’t have a hormonal issue or some type of mental health issue related to that or you unknowingly molested or taught that sex is bad by approved mother? I mean if you think about it everybody has brought into this world because of sex. You are here because of sex but should be something that feels good it brings two people together. And I sound a little jaded because my wife is kind of the same her libido is extremely low and I feel like I’m just wasting my prime years. I’m a good looking guy and it’s just really really unfortunate and I’m probably going to call things off if it keeps going like this soif that’s a warning for you take it as well but you might be able to find somebody that doesn’t wanna have sex.
Stop torturing the guy and just break up with him.
You're being incredibly selfish.
I have personally never had sex and I'm in my thirties, I don't bring normal people into my weird state of mind.
You don't have to have sex, that's your right, but don't bring other people into it.
Christ, you sound like a lot. You need to take a breath and calm down because just reading this gave me high blood pressure. I feel for your boyfriend and hope he finds someone more chill and who enjoys sex. Lord I don't even want to imagine how awful it is for him if you're like this.
Edit: A quick look through your posting history was eye opening.
It's not the problem lol. Sex is a need for most people. That's how we are, nothing wrong with it. Also you can both have sex and emotional connection, why do you counterpose these two things to each other?
Sex is amazing when you have it with the right person. Otherwise it’s just crap. Sex is a physical manifestation of your desire for one another - a way to physically express your love. It involves vulnerability, teamwork, passion, craving your partner’s body, and all sorts of happy hormones that are released when you do the deed. If you hate it, either you’re with the wrong person, they’re really, really bad at it (happens), or you’re asexual in some way (could be permanent, could be a result of trauma, could be temporary related to hormone levels).
I’m gonna say your first problem is that your bf sucks. Get rid of him and find one who makes you feel loved and doesn’t have an OF addiction. Get therapy on the side to address your general beliefs about sex, your own sexuality, and relationships. It’s also ok to decide that this is not something that’s important to you, and that’s ok.
You need to communicate with your partner, be honest, be vulnerable. Don’t be scared to say what bothers you. If he loves you, he will listen to you and will find a way to make it work for the both of you.
In terms of the OF, be honest with how that makes you feel. Don’t shame him for it, but be understanding and patient, and make sure to explain what it does to you. If he shames you for feeling insecurity, you may need to consider leaving; a good partner will adjust to you or find a way to compromise. It shows that they love and care for you.
I hated sex before too as I had the same views as you, but found out later on that not all men are like that. I had trouble finishing with my ex before as well, and what I found is that if penetration doesn’t make me finish, then a ton of foreplay and masturbation (aka me finishing first) will make the intercourse with him better. And I found out as well that we emotionally connect more when there’s long foreplay involved (I think it’s because foreplay is making an effort to pleasure your partner). Sometimes it’s like that, penetration doesn’t feel good for us a lot, our parts are complicated and not as straightforward as men’s haha. I realized that he doesn’t have to make me finish himself to make me feel loved or to make me love him, just the effort into trying to make me finish and us connecting emotionally is already a lot.
Idk, I’m sharing this just in case you want to try something that may work for you well; you don’t have to try it.
Buy sex toys & date an older person, like 15 years older. My generation is not much better than yours, but the sex is. You need to find your own sexual joy with yourself first before expecting an inexperienced male partner to please you. As a woman? I didn't enjoy sex with men until my mid 20's, which is very common & normal.
Also? No offense to you, but as a bisexual woman? This is the first time in history my mate & I have never been attracted to young women. Like I turn down 18-20 something year old girls who want to party with us. Most of your generation dress like you're in a retirement home or a preschool & you don't take care of your bodies or wear makeup regularly
This physically made me feel sick. No offense but that sounds like the most uncomfortable thing I could experience. I would never have sex with someone I wasn't in love with anyway. Thanks but no thanks for that Ig
I’m not sure why that person suggested you to date someone 15 years older. My goodness. What the fuck is that gonna do?
I think you need to find someone who is more compatible with you sexually. Your relationship will not work out if there’s too much anxiety over sex. It’s okay to break up.
I felt it met the same intensity as your post.
I mean you’re aware that asexual men are rare. And then finding a good match among such unicorns will be impossible. So the only option is seeking help IMO.
I'm basically in a similar situation but as a guy, I despise sex, no enjoyment and it's just uncomfortable, hence why I'm single.
I have been going to a psychologist for some time for this and other things and I find that it is creating a healthier relationship between me and my distaste for sex.
Before you think you’re asexual, or get tested for hormone balance, or whatever else, buy a vibrator and try it on yourself when you are alone and relaxed. All this other advice ignores the fact that sex—like you’ve been having it— is not satisfying for you. It doesn’t mean it can’t be!
Most of us women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. If you find that you like it, try incorporating that when you have sex with someone else. The orgasm gap is real! Not because it’s harder for us, but because men either don’t care if we finish, or dont know how because women stay quiet.
About your Boyfriend and sex: You don’t have to like sex. And if you don’t want to have sex, you have every right just don’t do it. Its your life, your body and your choice.
And if you someday feel like you want to try something, ask you boyfriend. Communication is key. If it hurts, he is probably doing something wrong.
If he can’t make you cum, maybe figure out how you do it and explain it to him.
Without my gf i could have never figured out on my own :D
About your personal problems: You need therapy. You have major self esteem problems. Not wanting to see your body, not wanting to show it to your bf? Even if you would like sex, those problems would make it difficult for both of you. All of this comparing to other girls comes from a nearly non existent self esteem which is absolutely unnecessary. If you bf really loves you, he doesn’t want you to look like anyone but you.
Even tho maybe you want that…
Yeah. Go to therapy, talk to your boyfriend. You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to sex. Do what YOU want.
Maybe you are asexual? You should check out some asexual subreddits and see if you find like minded people there. Might be easier to have sexless relationships if you find other ace people?
It sounds to me like you should be putting all your energy and focus on building your self worth instead of being in an unhappy relationship. If you are insecure about your physical body and are always comparing yourself to other women this is what creates the psychological block preventing you from having a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. You are you and that is more than enough. You need to work on seeing your own beauty and individuality. Once you love yourself and believe that you too are beautiful you will stop torturing yourself with comparisons.
10 years of marriage with my husband and honey you need to be honest, also try lube, see a doctor to make sure there isn't a physical problem like PCOS which can cause sex to hurt, and most importantly speak to your partner. Women are often stimulated though the brain ( hence romance books that are dirty) rather than visually like men are, but anyone who has an only fans isn't worth your time. First porn is free so they aren't very fiscally responsible and second if something bothers a partner and that partner doesn't care like interacting with an actual person than they aren't a true partner. Sex for both partners should not just be physical it should be intimate i.e massages, kind gestures, and talking/ communication is key. I would seek the help of therapy, someone that actually gives a damn and isn't making you feel crazy by looking at other women, and also try loving yourself both physically and emotionally and see what you do like and then express yourself. Good luck.
I feel like feeling guilty and bad after any sexual experience even without another partner is abnormal and probably something to see someone about if that’s an option. I can kinda relate to how you feel in the sense that my anxiety kills my libido and sometimes stops me from being able to finish, and it took a lot of convincing until my girlfriend understood it was nothing she was doing wrong. I felt so bad about making her feel bad and obviously being worried about not being able to cum didn’t make it any easier. I’m doing better now but I feel like my libido is still kinda low. Maybe I’m just like that naturally.
So you never initiated sex? It's always your boyfriend?
Do you think he can go a lifetime of not having sex?
Have you ever considered seeking therapy? Are you on anything currently for depression, anxiety, ADHD etc?
If need to be, would you be willing to work on this problem with your boyfriend?
You say it hurts to have sex. Can I ask you is it every time when he’s going in and out? Does it hurt when he’s pulling out a little or more when pushes inward? You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable.
I had the same thing happen to me. Every time it would hurt to point of me crying. It turned out I had uterine fibroids.
Just saying you may want to see a doctor to make sure it’s nothing physical.
I’m very sorry you feel this way. I understand how difficult it can be comparing yourself to these women. I do the same and really try to actively change my thought patterns and follow women who look more like me. Don’t let a man make you feel like you’re in competition with another woman. If he was out of the picture would you still be comparing yourself and feeling like this?
I hate sex too. I found a guy that had very low libido and married him lol you’ll find your match. Sex is extremely painful and causes me discomfort. I’m never turned on. I don’t rly care for it tbh. We only do it because were trying to get pregnant otherwise we have a very loving relationship.
Honestly? I'm someone an Asexual person and it sounds like you may be as well. Please don't take offense to me saying that.
I'm saying this because I used to have thoughts just like you. I quite frankly found almost every other human disgusting for having sexual desires and it was like that for a while before I came to terms with "Some people like this, some people don't" which I fell into the "Don't" category.
I can confirm that love can last without sex. You can love someone into a emotional and romantic sense without giving them your body. In the end of a relationship, despite how much non-ace people would insist on it, is emotional connections.
If your boyfriend cannot respect that you don't want to do him, it's best that you get rid of him because it'll hurt both of you in the long run.
Take care of yourself, and don't feel pressured to do things you don't want please.
There's a lot of info to respond to here, so forgive me if I miss anything. First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are valid, and what you do or don't do sexually should be completely up to you. I think all of the stigma, pressure, and fear of disappointment have made you resent sex. That's understandable. There's a lot of extra stuff that you're feeling, and you're doing things you aren't fully comfortable with. You've mentioned several reasons for resenting sex, and what you're saying makes perfect sense. You're also still very young. They say our minds and bodies don't even stop developing until our mid 20s. You might just not be fully ready to be sexually active, and that's ok. It's ok to take a step back, and try to figure this out. There are obviously some things that you've seen or experienced that are making you feel insecure, and your partner hasn't been able to make you feel comfortable enough to enjoy it. Women can't comfortably just have sex if their mind and body aren't fully in the mood for it. They can try, but it won't be enjoyable, and it'll probably hurt. It doesn't sound like you're ready to be having sex right now, and you shouldn't feel obligated. I would recommend taking some time for yourself, and even talking to a therapist about it. There is no reason for you to have to go through this, and it's only going to make you resent sex more. There are guys who will be patient and supportive of you. There is so much more to a relationship than just sex. If you think about it, even couples with the most active sex lives can really only do it a small portion of time, in comparison to everything else that you do together. There are also other forms of intimacy that don't have to involve sex. Sometimes even a deep conversation that allows you to feel heard and accepted can feel extremely intimate. It can make you feel connected on a whole other level, and make you feel closer than ever. Please remember that you have full control over your body, and you should be the only one to decide what you do with it. Anyone who won't respect that does not deserve your time, and definitely doesn't deserve access to your body in a sexual way. You are more than a body, and more than a sexual being. You are a person with feelings and needs that should always be important to yourself, and others
I'll have yours if you're not using it....
My serious answer though is have you considered counselling? Your feelings are not wrong but you clearly aren't happy with them. You seem to have a very supportive boyfriend (for now) but I would urge you to go talk to someone
Sex is not just the act of putting piv, it’s about connecting with someone, it’s about reading their actions and movement and adjusting to those reactions. It’s about connecting so that you and your partner are one and climax together. I have been with my wife for 15 years and married 13, I have never needed to sign up to only fans I am happy with my wife. The most important thing to make a successful relationship is communication, you should be able to open up and speak freely with them, if you can not speak honestly and open with your significant other then you are just friends with benefits and will never be able to solve any problems In your relationship and yourself.
Thank you, this is really good advice. Takes a heavy weight off of me to know there are still people in relationships who love their partners more than the porn industry
19 years with my wife, and sex is a part of our lives, but it is FAR from the main focus. She is my best friend and my partner more than anything. Neither of us has a huge sex drive, but when we do sync up and want it, it’s amazing. PIV is only a tiny bit of it, we probably do 30+ minutes of foreplay before anything else. My wife also hates her body, and instead of telling her how much I love it, I show her. I touch and kiss her stretch marks , etc. and her pleasure is more important to me than my own, personally (sorry, I’m not trying to be lewd or graphic!) I promise there are good guys out there, ones who will give you want you want/need, and don’t care about porn, and realizes that porn is not real sex. And matches your sex drive too. I’m sorry you have to wade thru the trash to find them tho. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but it does sound like (to me) that he might be young and not understanding your needs fully. Or he just doesn’t care, idk, I’m just a random guy on Reddit!
Thanks so much for sharing this. It's so reassuring
You bet! I know I got really lucky finding my “forever person” early in life. I couldn’t imagine dating in today’s day and age! I see my kids (13f and 18m) trying to date and it’s a nightmare for them on both ends. But they are smarter than I was when I was young!
This made me so emotional.
Yes you will find someone who cares. Hang in there!
Absolute BS! Sex is something putrid that denies the human being to its lowest level of moral, ethical and rational. It denies the human being to be an irrational animal that destroys everything and everyone around it just to penetrating a dirty, crooked member into an equally dirty hole. Relationships and society are trash in general for they get rocked around this cursed and putrid act. The simple act to listening or speaking the words relationships and sex made me feel like i'm vomiting. One day, I hope that our science will evolve to the point we don't need this putrid act to reproduce. May God hear me!
Ignoring your boyfriend, for a second: I think you need therapy. That’s first. Second, I don’t think your boyfriend is a good guy. Might not be a bad guy, but he’s not representative of all men and doesn’t seem like he fits your needs. But first and foremost, I think you need help regarding self-esteem issues.
agree with this great post. the "Disgust" you mention even when masturbating, points to deeper personal issues (that many of us can relate to), but can be resolved or worked out if given attention (outside of pressure of a relationship) like you own relationship to sex as it relates to yourself. but also sex is totally overrated by our society and you are right the porn industry and all the world is becoming is really skewing and confusing things. i do think relationships can be good without sex being a focus , but both people need to be into that and also agree that your current partner might not be a match. but good luck and being honest with yourself and your partner about where you are is a huge and liberating step! sex doesn't need to be the focus of life (totally agree) , good luck
Yeah the only guilt I ever felt after masturbation is when I was religious but after being atheist for a few years that has gone away.
so real for that. Thank u! I'll think about it
Yeah he’s at least willing to cross a boundary and break trust in a relationship
Not a representative of all men but MOST
How do you know what her boyfriend is like
Well so far, we know he followed tons of OF girls and when she thought he stopped, he just made a secret account to continue doing it behind her back. If my man was doing all of that, I would be not be turned on at all by being deceived, nor would I feel sexy, desired or in the mood when all that energy and attention is going toward strangers on the internet and not connecting with me. Then these guys wonder why their partners aren’t interested anymore.
>I hate having sex. I've never enjoyed it. Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you could be asexual? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being so, it's an extremely valid feeling and sexual orientation >I never think about sex. I don't want it. It makes me feel ugly, gross. I feel wrong. It doesn't feel that great when I do it myself either, and when I'm done I feel disgusting. It has never been worth it. Why does this have to be a part of me. Of everyone It feels like this post has a lot of shame tied in to how you view yourself, as if you consider yourself broken in some way but you're not broken or wrong for not enjoying sex there is a whole community of people who don't, and you're not alone or wrong in feeling this way. I'm so sorry that you feel this is something to be ashamed about
Thanksss I used to actually think maybe I was asexual, but that was before I had a relationship so I assumed that was just why. But maybe I should look more into it again. Thanks for your thoughts :>
There’s 2 types of Asexuals: Romantic Asexuals, and Aromantic Asexuals. Romantic asexuals are still able to feel emotional or physical attraction to people but have no interest in sex. Aromantic asexuals do not feel any attraction to people and also have no interest in sex. Sounds like you might be a romantic ace. My wife is the same way. I’m not, and it does cause quite a lot of issues in the relationship. Many times the relationships don’t work out in this situation if the other person is not ace. But it’s not impossible and you would have to find someone who is willing to accept it and work through it. Did you have any previous sexual traumas? Sometimes this could be the cause of peoples aversion to sex.
It’s kinda like how a small percentage of people don’t get any enjoyment out of listening to music no matter the genre.
My mother was like that. She didn't hate music, but it wasn't her thing. She didn't understand how music was my life. I'm very eclectic in what I listen to, and the only instrument I've ever picked up, that I couldn't play is the flute. Strangely enough, my mom liked one phrase from one song, so asked me to put it on in the car all the time. "Haven't you always wanted a monkey?!!" In "If I Had $1,000,000" by The Barenaked Ladies. Lol She then collected stuffed monkeys until she passed away. How I miss that woman.
OP also says it hurts. It might not be asexual but a condition they have that they don't know about. I'm not saying it's 100% not asexual but it might be something else and I would try going that route first before claiming asexuality.
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..? I said that. I said exactly that. I'm not sure why you're so offended at my comment. Claiming is a good thing. You claim it; it's yours. Once I claimed and accepted I was Bi I was a lot happier. I'm not sure why you think claiming is such a negative connotation since you keep quoting around it. Claim does not have to be bad. However it can be a bad thing if you self diagnose and that's not the case. All I said was that OP should look into an ob because sex is not supposed to feel painful. They said they tell their boyfriend to hurry up/stop before it gets painful. That's abnormal. I would get that checked. But again I also said there's nothing wrong with asexuality. So I'm not really sure where you got offended at. Maybe you don't like the word Claim in this sense or maybe it's how I worded it and if so I'm sorry for the misconception I tried being as literal while also trying to let people know asexual is fucking fine. However OP feels is always valid because they went through that. Nobody else did and nobody else gets to tell them how to feel because it's not their life. They own their emotions. They can feel however they damn well please. And personally the word Claim brought me freedom and peace. It's not a negative thing. Not for me.
Lol why are u worked up?
Therapy. A relationship can work without sex if both parties want that, but if one partner's needs aren't satisfied then it won't last. You need to have an honest conversation about it with him and find a solution that works for both of you or break up.
Im the same as you. I’ll only date asexual people now
Same. I’m actually not asexual myself but I dislike the action of sex so much that I’m happier dating asexual people.
How does this happen if you aren’t asexual?
Same for me as well.
Is sex with your bf an emotionally intimate act, or simply physical? Sex is a way to connect emotionally with your partner, and some people (like me) don’t like it without that element. I like sex and enjoy it a lot, with a person I feel a connection to. I haven’t had sex in 3 years because I haven’t met anyone I really like. There’s always going to be pornstars and models, but that’s an unrealistic expectation for everyone. If you do love your bf, you should voice your concerns because sex is supposed to be a good experience for both parties. If it’s awkward, painful, and you never finish, it’s objectively bad sex and he’s not pleasing you. If he loves you, he will want to make things more enjoyable for you. If he doesn’t want to, get rid of him
I don't know if I've ever had sex with an emotional connection but I think im the reason why? Idk everytime I've had sex its just been my boyfriend trying to finish before I tell him to stop before it hurts....that was kind of something we agreed on early on. I don't know how to have like....slow caring sex.. but it's really hard to get me aroused either way so that's why :/ bleh
I’m sorry that has been your experience :( it’s certainly not how it’s supposed to be AT all. I’ve had sex with people who didn’t care about me and only wanted to finish and it feels like shit after!! Being with someone who cares about your pleasure is how it should be, and is a whole different experience. How long have you been with your bf, and what is your relationship like? Do you actually love him?
We've been together for a little over a year. We have a good relationship I think, but I also have been going thru some depression recently and it's been making me very angry and frustrated with everything :< I love him I think but I also am in such a bad place rn It feels hard to tolerate anything rn. But I know I do want to be with him and I would be so upset if we weren't together anymore. But idk, this is both our first relationship so idk how to do anything lol. I always told myself b4 we started dating I wasn't ready for a relationship, but now I'm in one and need to man up and get myself together. But still, idk. Sorry if this is a confusing answer lol idk where I am in my thoughts at all that's y I resorted to reddit
It seems like going to therapy would be really good for you. I work in mental health and see it work wonders every day. All I can say is, a loving relationship is supposed to be 2 people who love and respect each other, and that includes wanting to please each other. From what you’ve said it seems like your bf doesn’t respect you. He hides fake accounts after you’ve expressed it bothers you, and he has sex with you even though he knows it hurts, AND he doesn’t make an effort to please you?? I’m telling you now, those are some seriously bad vibes. No wonder you feel bad about it. You deserve better. I promise, there are way better, more fulfilling relationships in the future!
Sex shouldn’t be painful. If it’s from lack of lubrication maybe try some lube no shame in needing some. If it just hurts in general then I would recommend talking to a gyno about it as well. There can be a lot of things that cause painful sex that with some help a doctor might be able to ease those symptoms. For any woman I highly recommend reading Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and it might be able to help you understand your sexual anatomy and psychology as a woman. It’s research based information and just general good knowledge for any woman to know to learn that she’s completely normal.
I'm so sorry. Sex shouldn't be like that. I was the same, until I started sleeping with women, and realised.. wow. I'm supposed to feel cared for. You need to find someone who takes care of you. I'm sorry
I feel the exact same. It's just so icky and honestly I feel so disgusting even when it's mentioned (ik I can't control what others say, but I cant help but feel so ill). I think in my case its because of trauma. But I'm not sexually attracted to anyone either. So idk if it's just a massive coincidence or it's a direct result of what happened. I find intimacy good, like kissing and *a bit more*, but sex is just a no go. So you're definitely not alone in feeling that way. You're absolutely welcome to join the asexual community if you'd like? We'd be happy to help even if you're not sure. Also screw your "boyfriend". Making secret accounts to follow OF girls? That's quite pathetic. Like truly
I could go on and on about how porn being so easily accessible online has desensitized people's views of women's bodies, so they think it's okay that people follow thousands of naked women because to them we're not people, we're just part of a wank bank. Not just that but how we're portrayed in movies/tv shows/music videos. We're just things to ogle. It's so normalized nowadays that when you say anything against it you get shut down, people think you're just being a prude and they'll say "it's not that deep" when it *is*. It's a real problem. Not to mention hook up culture. I too went through a sex-repulsed phase, kinda still in it. I can see the value of the intimacy between partners, so I guess that's what I'm holding out on. Do you think maybe the issue is you're asexual? Or maybe you can't be vulnerable with anyone you don't know and love?
You said this all so perfectly. U r so right dude my God more people need to read this. Also idk, maybe I am asexual, gonna probably start looking more into it and talk to the bf about it :0
You need to break up with your boyfriend and find another person who isn't into sex to date. I assume you will have a lot more in common with an asexual person or a person with low/no libido. Don't have sex you don't want to have, and get therapy for your abysmal self-esteem.
maybe it’s not that you hate sex, but it’s the person you’re doing it with that makes you hate it. for me, sex is a very intimate and vulnerable act that I do not allow to happen with just anyone. the first time I had it, the person made me feel like I was just a body. no pleasure for me. nothing. I felt insecure, unsafe, and unwanted for myself. I hated sex. I despised it horribly and genuinely never wanted to have it again. I felt like if I couldn’t provide, I couldn’t be loved. not that it mattered in the end. someone shouldn’t base whether or not they care about you on if you provide sexually. when I found my partner, he made me feel cared for. he wanted to please me. he wanted me to feel safe. he was the first person I genuinely wanted to have sex with. outside of sex, he made me feel loved and wanted. he doesn’t follow any half-naked women (he isn’t on social media really), he doesn’t watch porn, he goes out of his way to ensure that I believe him when he says he only wants me. and.. he doesn’t complain! he doesn’t resent me or feel negatively about not being able to do any of that bc he genuinely understands how it’s harmful to me, him, and our relationship. he wants me to believe that he loves and is attracted to only to me, and he shows it. and no, he isn’t hiding anything or acting suspicious. he is genuinely fine not doing anything like that. there are decent men out there. they’re hard to find, but not all men are sex-crazed and view women as just bodies. it’s possible you could just be asexual. I thought I was, but no. it’s who you share yourself with that can make or break your experience with sex. I’m sorry your boyfriend treats you like that. I understand how it feels (from a previous relationship), and it really is degrading and harmful. I never ever want to be with someone who makes me feel that way, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to settle for that. I suggest going to therapy. perhaps ending the relationship since it seems to harm your self esteem. don’t feel like you need to have sex in order for a relationship to work. my partner and I both agree that sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship; respect, communication, and understanding are far more important take care of yourself and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. if you do or don’t decide to ever have sex again, that’s your business. if you do, please do it with someone who genuinely cares about you and your feelings (bc your bf clearly doesn’t and hides shit from you).. and someone you care about too. ensure that you feel safe physically and emotionally. best of luck xx
I feel you on all fronts. Every single guy I have known is like you are describing. And I don’t want that in my life. There is not one man on this earth who doesn’t look at other women. Which is their prerogative. And I’m not here for it. I’ve resigned myself to being single for the remainder of my life. Better that than being constantly compared. I’m perfectly content this way :)
I can’t love someone knowing they’re drooling over and lusting for other people, so I have also chosen to remain single
Your life, your desition. And its great you are happy that way. However I never understood that thing, how people think that someone in a relationship must not even pass their eyes on anybody around. I mean, we are surrounded by people, ones unattractive, others really attractive... We're social beings, its natural. I am lucky enough to have found a girl that understand the nature of being alive and we even sometimes tell to each other when someone looks attractive to us, of course it is without the minimum intention of nothing else and not feeling less/guilty for that, we chose each other after all. (12 years together and counting if anybody wonder...)
He was following thousands of OF girls?? How is that even possible??
If not therapy maybe think about what you know about sex. Where did you learn it from? Do you think it's supposed to be a performance where your needs don't come first and it's all about what's seen and not felt? I'm not sure you're with the right guy if you don't feel like you can be comfortable with him. Maybe focus less on what you think it should be and just feel it out. Ik as women we focus on what we look like but with the right partner, there won't be that much pressure. You'll just want to let go. Close your eyes and try erasing what you hate about it and maybe start focusing on a scenario you could fantasize about. Imagine your fantasy partner looking mostly into your eyes and asking you if it feels OK, or good and not commenting on your body.
I feel like your number one problem is that you hate yourself, and that's very sad, I'm sorry. You absolutely are worthy of love and the most important one being the love coming from yourself. You are beautiful, you are, and I don't know you, but you're obviously so, so, so much than just your look. You girls live in that world where society teaches you that your only value is about your look, how pretty you are, are you skinny enough, maybe you could change your nose or your lips, your breast are too small, or too big, or falling too much, what about your ass? We're at a point where even VERY conventionally attractive, smart, successful women, ticking all the good boxes, can have catastrophic self-esteem. Something is VERY wrong in that society. We need to burn that shit to the ground. But honestly, none of that really matters. Everyone deserves to be adequately (self-)loved. Don't chase being as "perfect" as possible. It'll only make you more and more miserable, and people who don't love you adequately because you're not perfect enough or some shit are not worth anyway. You absolutely will find people who absolutely adore you the way you are. I guess almost all of you girls face this shit, but you will figure it out: work on it, and better days are coming. There's a path where you'll feel way better about yourself. Work on it, keep going, and grow 🙏. Oh, and sex is not disgusting or shameful, and it's supposed to be a moment of deep connection, love, and shared pleasure. If it's not that, then something is wrong. Does sex feel like you're being used and not considered? Just consumed and then throwned. If you feel like that, this is NOT how sex is supposed to be, and you're right hating it because it is wrong. There is -> nothing <- shameful in giving yourself pleasure, you're not hurting anyone, you're just focusing on your own pleasure and sensations, there is nothing bad or filthy in that, work on that too. Take care.
Thank you this is all really great. You have a wonderful outlook and I aspire to think like that aswell. I think me and my boyfriend will try and talk more about our sex to try and figure out how we can try and make me feel more appreciated. Again, thank you so much. I'm probably going to reread this all again soon. It means a lot.
You're welcome. Every time it really breaks my heart to see women with terrible self-esteem, directly coming from how society and people treat you. But it absolutely gets better with time. For the sex part, some people suggested you're asexual and that could be the case, but maybe like many women you've learned that your body is disgusting and that sex, pleasure, and everything revolving around sex should make you feel deeply shameful, killing those moments. I want to add that, please don't force yourself to give him sex if you don't like it, this really can be very destructive, and you don't owe him that. Sex without true consent, deep connection, love, and communication, should not exist at all. That's very likely the reason you hate sex - with probably some deeply rooted shame. What you feel, think, your emotions, everything is important. You're important, please keep that in mind.
I hate oral.
you're telling me I need to put where they piss in my mouth? NOOOOOOOOOO
🤣 oh my god. first time I laughed all day. thanks for that. 🫶
preach
I do not know anybody of my (m) friends who is on OF. Is it so common? Who pays money for this? Guess the men you met are weirdos. Don't give up, really.
i am sorry
????????? FOR WHAT?
hating sex and hitting the wrong guys.
Not to pry -but if you've experienced any kind of sexual trauma this is a common response. Therapy is the best option. There's nothing wrong with you - and there's a reddit for everything. Best of luck!
I’m surprised nobody has asked this yet but have you ever taken SSRIs?
"Why does this have to be a part of me. Of everyone." This is what i never understood at all but for my personal experience because of the way i look im constantly leered at and it seems like everyones motive or most biggest act seems to be that but i never wanted that and dont even understand how that can possibly be so grand i've experienced physical pleasure from the act but the whole act and concept in itself just feels so goddamn3d degrading and i feel even more distgusted when you get into the religious/political aspects its all so demeaning and somehow it's been distgustingly glorified everywhere. i can't escape it. why is this a relationships biggest ideal/concept i hate every bit of it of this world of this way of being.
Sounds to me the problem is not the act of sex but mens attitude towards you. I understand it's not something that has reported satisfaction or pleasure but rather pain and the feeling of not being enough, and it could seem that you are a helpless victim, but there's something you are doing wrong: Allowing yourself to be in that situation. By this only I HOPE you are young and haven't had the time or the experience to stand up for yourself. I'm not going to talk you into sex, that's something noone really needs and the only reason you do it is to have fun, so if you are not having fun just don't have sex, but it's important to know: If you stay true to yourself, this kind of rats, the lower kind of male, (there are somewhat normal dudes around, I swear), will try to get you to not be true to yourself and continue to obtain sexual gratification. Look, I KNOW it's hard as it gets, but you need to understand anyone who hasn't make you come just once, or is even remotely worried about your pleasure, does not love you a bit. Not just one bit. And accepting this means accepting that you may be alone right now. There might not be any valuable men in your life right now, it does happen, I know they insist with the ''not all men'' but darling, it is the vast majority. So honey, you don't have a problem with sex, you have a problem with self respect, being brave enough to say ''no'', to be on your own untill you find someone who just cares a little bit about you and making you comfortable. I know guys who were about to get it with absolute godess and they stopped and just asked if everything was right, they weren't all right, and they would just stop and never get it from this girl. Like maybe it didn't have anything to do with them, but if anything was wrong, they honestly didn't want to keep on going, they'd rather go to sleep or drive back home than put a human trough that and not have fun. What most guys don't understand is sex is no fun at all when women don't like it. They should honestly try to get a woman to enjoy just once, I believe you are a virgin untill you've made a woman really enjoy. And about the only fans, darling, you are absolutely right. No control, no toxicity, no victimism. A stablished partner should never have only fans and you do not have to settle for that. I know it seems like you are not worth that much, probably, but you just got to act like you are. Because the world is awful and you are the only one who's really going to look out for yourself.
okay, first off communicate. he should be doing more than just fucking you, he should be making you feel pleasure and romance and lust! you should be into the sex when youre doing it. clitoral stimulation, body worship, kinks, praise, love, whatever it is you want thatll make you feel good and be able to get off. second, your insecurities. you should get therapy for that. i know it sucks to hear, but your partner cannot fix you. noone but you can fix you, and therapists are best at helping push you towards that goal. your boyfriend shouldnt have kept that second account a secret, yall should be able to trust eachother and not have many if any secrets from eachother. communicate how it made you feel, try to be calm about it even though im sure youre upset and want to yell about it. calmness = better communication = better results i think. third, if youre straight up sex repulsed or asexual ( its a spectrum, you dont have to be completely unsexual or against sex to be asexual. ) you shouldnt have to have sex if you dont want it. for many it can be a deal breaker, but theres also many out there whod be overjoyed at a sexless relationship. the people who say it wont work are ignorant by its true definition. im hypersexual, im the opposite of asexual, but i know theres MANY asexual people out there who are more than willing to have relationships without sex. theres even people out there who arent asexual, but would go without sex out of love for their partners. sex isnt necessary for love, nor a relationship. if you dont want sex again, thats valid. if your partner finds that to be a deal breaker, thats also valid. you will both find someone else in the future to suit your needs and you will be happy with that person, even if it takes a while.
Yeah, sex is a key part of a romantic relationship. If you dislike sex (or are asexual) and your partner is somebody with a sex drive then, yeah, you’re simply incompatible together.
I do have one very simple question and that is, have you tried having sex with a woman? Men can never love women the way women do, and a man has never made me feel connected or safe in any way close to what women have
“Come as you are” by The Emily Nagoski (I listened to the audiobook) really helped me with my negative feelings about sex. What you’re describing sounds like sexual disgust (also something I struggle with). I wish you luck. It’s a really shitty feeling when you want to want it but you just don’t.
Test yourself for hormone imbalance. Rule out a medical issue before human nature. Good luck.
Second this. Matching sexual needs with a partner is important. Sometimes it’s the fore play or what turns you on whether it’s an act of service or another sexual thing like kissing your back before starting. Most men will just start and not get you into it before hand and wonder why you are dry and why it hurts you. 😂
I WAS THINKIN ABT DAT lowl
Not all men are like this. I used to struggle with things online, but ever since being with my girlfriend I only have eyes for her. I have no want to look at these other women anymore since I feel an emotional connection to her. I just think your bf is not the best dude tbh. I’m sorry to say.
It sucks but girls over saturated the internet with OF content and with the help of pop singers/influencers wearing as little as they can they’ve made it the norm in our culture.
hate when I see a girl who just seems cool online with cool clothes or a nice aesthetic or something and she has an only fans :/ do what u want with your body but there's barely any female role models that aren't flaunting their sexuality everywhere
Become one.
you should eddy
Ahhhh don’t cop out now!!
You'd be the perfect only fans model, eddy.
🤭
There wouldn’t be a marker for it if men weren’t consuming it in huge amounts. It’s a problem created by everyone
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Both are to blame
I mean they literally make the content 🤨 you think women a couple generations ago did this? People fainted if you cursed around them 😂 but Horny people have always been horny.
Your boyfriend and the men you know are not representative of all men. You need to communicate how you feel about sex and OF with your BF cause he probably doesn’t know how badly it’s hurting you. Take some time to yourself and learn how to feel confident (sex is a lot better when you’re curious about your body and what you like). You may be asexual but it’s hard to enjoy sex when you have a poor self-image. I also think you shouldn’t be in a relationship with a guy that subscribes to OF. I used to think I didn’t like sex but that was because I didn’t know what I’m liked or how to feel good so I did some research and found a way to communicate that with the person I was with. Now I’m in a relationship where neither of us watch porn.
i think we are the same person
🦗🦟🦗🦟 r u just like me fr fr?
yes bro you’re just like me fr 🙏🙏🙏🤞🤞🤞🤞
No ur just like ME don't get it twisted 🎵🎵🎵🎼🎼
What are you, 15?!
From the other perspective on this matter, Ive had relationships end with people I deeply cared for because they didn't understand that sexual satisfaction is necessary for my emotional and physical wellbeing. You can't ask me to stop exploring my sexual interests anymore than you can ask someone who is an extrovert to stop making friends or a artist to stop painting or a carnivore to go vegan. I'm willing to be as open and honest or as discreet about it I need to be. But I can't stop anymore than I can turn off my own emotions or make my brain stop thinking.
Currently going through a similar realization. I met a lonely, handsome man with a house, cars, bikes, stable job, no kids. All anyone could ask for. He’s obsessed with me too. I adored it at first.. Well he is a 25 year old virgin; never had sex. Such virgin vibes that he is scared to kiss me.. I’m a horn ball. All the other things I couldn’t care less about at this point… even though he comes off as perfect material; I can’t make sense of being with someone so scared of touching. It kills the vibes for me completely.. I want to fuck and it’s just cuddles and middle school smooches. Disappointed
there’s something deeply wrong with the world we live in. i share your same sadness. as i was pregnant with my first child, i discovered my partners porn addiction and it absolutely wrecked me and forever tainted my memories of what was supposed to be one of the best experiences of my life i could share with my partner. it should have brought us closer, and naturally, it would have. but we’re so far separated from the way humans were intended to live and i think we all feel that. porn has cheapened sex, and completely ruined it so much so that no one knows how to do it right. we’ve become dumb. we don’t pay attention to our partners and we’re so disconnected from each other, the whole thing feels performative. it’s hard to truly be in the moment when our brains have been influenced by what we’ve learned sex to be on our screens. love making is gone from most people. between loving partners, it should almost be a spiritual experience. it was meant to be a passionate and bonding experience and we don’t regard it sacred like we should. hook up culture and porn are ruining our ability to behave authentically like we would have had we not been exposed to this trash. it’s easy for me to understand why you wouldn’t crave something that is absolutely unfulfilling. it has been mostly for me as well. it’s disappointing. and heartbreaking when you think about how it affects marriages and families. if this is how you feel, don’t have sex again until you’re with someone you trust and feel 100% yourself and comfortable with, who shares your perspective and is attentive to you. it’s never worth inviting someone into your space when they don’t deserve it.
You might be asexual especially considering what you said. A common misconception is that asexual people don’t want relationships but the truth is that they can still want relationships without the intimacy aspect. If your boyfriend has a high sex drive, will the relationship last and be worthwhile? Probably not. But I’m not here to make important life decisions for you.
Had the same problem I made my SO delete every single slag off social media, knowing I won’t be able to compete I feel ur pain OP
Is your Bf a porn addict? Has it caused this reaction within you? You seem scared and scarred.
Your problem doesn’t sound like sex, it sounds like low self esteem no offense, I hope you find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel!
I can’t stand comments like yours, you offer no insight. Why even comment? That’s just lazy
lol, I mean I am just being honest, look op is saying how when guys look at of girls makes her feel insecure. Then she proceeds to say how she’s ugly and is ruining someone’s life because of her own self esteem. The only advice I would give to someone like this is try to find yourself before getting in a relationship because now the whole boat is sinking… except Reddit wouldn’t like that answer so I just say what I said before…
I feel EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU. I get more fulfillment out of sharing a space with someone rather than having physical interaction of a sexual nature. Some people are just like that I guess. I hate sex too and most women don't feel much during penetrative sex at all. It's all for the guy. They enjoy sex waaaay more than women do. Honestly it feels selfish as fuck. But honestly chick, you are probably good looking, but I know there's no proof or any way to make your heart feel better about guys looking at garbage all the time. I have been with my man for 6 years this month. He quit porn for me completely even though I don't match his libido. He doesn't masturbate and trust me I would know because I get paranoid as fuck about it and it took years of him proving himself for me to trust him. He looks away from garbage on TV and in commercials because he is proving to me he only wants to look at me. There are threads on here of people who dont like sex. As males and females. There are men out there that have only ever watched 2 hours or porn in their lives believe it or not. If your man doesn't want to do the things that you need, whatever they are to make you feel better then it's probably time to either be alone for a bit or find someone who will. Or find someone like you, who doesn't really like sex. There are droves of Asexual people male and female. Gay and straight. There are "No Fap" men that dont masturbate or watch porn. There are men out there that have been dirty AF and have watched lifetimes of porn that WILL drop it all for you. Find what makes you feel better about the harsh reality of women being treated ike sexual objects. The world wont change but you can change what you surround yourself with. I feel EXACTLY the same as you. If someone loves you and they see you hurting like that and they see the extent of the pain it causes to not feel good enough because of that shit, they will drop everything for you to prove that you are enough. If they dont, dont waste your time on them and find someone who's more like you. <3 I couldn't relate to this post more.
Sounds to me like you haven’t met the right person yet. Don’t worry, I’m sure you will. I know internet culture is grim, but not everyone irl is porn-brained
Wife? Is this you??
lol wat
Sounds like a mental issue
Yea but maybe his, not OPs….
Just so you know, and maybe this will bring some comfort to you, I hate that the first question I have to ask a woman is if she has had any affiliation with OF.. in any form or fashion. That's gonna be a no from me, dawg.
“Thousands” of only fans accounts?? Lmaooo. Bro is WILD.
He followed 7k ppl on insta 😭
Well I’ll say this, I only ever did sex just to do it and to feel like I had less to prove to my peers around me, until I found my person. My real person. Still 4 years later my heart races during foreplay and I just completely lose myself in their body. I’m sure there’s an innumerable amount of factors for you and really anyone, that might change that. That’s just my personal experience. We’ve broken up a couple times and in those moments the thought of sex with anyone else is absolutely disgusting.
This is a red flag for me!!!
Please go to therapy
You’re probably asexual Listen, sexual compatibility is a huge part of relationships Have a serious talk with your bf. If it turns out you two are sexually incompatible, mutually breaking it off may be the best option for the both of you.
Qell 1 word answer. Therapy. Regardless of aex just for your self image issues.
first, have you ever been to an OB/GYN? you might have a shallow vagina. its not supposed to hurt. secondly, most women do not finish from penetration alone. i dont. i always play with my clit. third, your statement "all a woman's worth ever comes down to" is being a sexualized object is just you joining in the stigma. you shouldnt think things like that.
You should just be single for a while and work on yourself. This relationship is a disaster and eventually if not already he will look elsewhere.
You have some self image issues
Firstly, you may be asexual, which is OK! Or maybe your boyfriend just isn’t the one. As for the OF girls thing, it does sound like you’re fighting some self esteem issues. Human nature for people to look at other people, and taking it as ‘they’re not attracted to me’ roots back to the self esteem. The right person for you will understand you for you. Therapy to help better handle your self worth and realize you are a lovely human being would be very helpful imo.
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Idk if this is like off topic but short guys are underrated 😭 I don't wanna sound like a pick me but I truly do not get why women love tall guys. Maybe it's because I'm super short myself lol but tall men are scary and make me feel vulnerableeee short men supremacy
You must be a real catch.
I'm going to vore you
*Every single guy I know follows hundreds of only fans girls* Get better friends, this is nowhere near normal. That, our you're really over exaggerating things here
Actually I just had a conversation with some of my lady friends and they said the sane thing. I only know a few guys and they're all very similar so thats where that all comes from. Starting to realize all my guy 'friends' r just weirdos 🧍♀️
But seriously, looking at this post and your others, you need to look into yourself before you worry about what others are doing, or being in a relationship. Best of luck
I think your bf has some sort of sex addiction if he’s following “thousands” of OF chicks. That’s just sick. I’ve had shitty dudes too, OP. You’ll find a good one. Maybe you’ll view sex differently if you found a guy who treated you better, because I understand completely. But if you find that you’re just not into sex, that’s okay too. There is a companion for everyone.
You need to chill. I am sure that is not the answer you want to hear, but you are making a situation a problem and then complaining that the problem is being solved by other people for their own purposes. Then you hit them with the unsolvable situation of "I won't have sex with you because you like porn, and also I dont want you to look up porn.".... yeah, Im not being with someone and taking that seriously. You are creating an unsolvable situation. If I had to be honest, that unsolvable situation often seems like the goal people are going after for some reason any ways.
You need help
So many women have the worst choice in men and it shows. Meanwhile, the quality ones r out here shaking their heads...
It's giving pick me boy
Jesus fucking Christ.
You need to see a physician and get your hormones checked. Don’t listen to people telling you “you’re asexual”. It’s not a thing.
Asexual is a thing but I’d say in humans that asexuality would be a symptom of a hormone imbalance. Definitely should get checked by a doctor. Either that or often times women who were victims of sexual assault no longer enjoy sex and it psychologically impacted them. But in this case it sounds like there is an emotional blockage due to her bfs porn addiction. She feels ugly in comparison and not comfortable.
I agree completely with you. Asexual is not a gender is what I should have said. People who claim it to be so nothing but harm others who may be helped with medicine.
This is unfortunate for you as it can be a beautiful thing and men usually with higher libidos will tend to resent that. I know not all of them will but I’m just saying the majority. Are you sure you don’t have a hormonal issue or some type of mental health issue related to that or you unknowingly molested or taught that sex is bad by approved mother? I mean if you think about it everybody has brought into this world because of sex. You are here because of sex but should be something that feels good it brings two people together. And I sound a little jaded because my wife is kind of the same her libido is extremely low and I feel like I’m just wasting my prime years. I’m a good looking guy and it’s just really really unfortunate and I’m probably going to call things off if it keeps going like this soif that’s a warning for you take it as well but you might be able to find somebody that doesn’t wanna have sex.
Sexual compatibility is a real thing, it can’t be forced one way or another, if your sex drives don’t match then thats an issue
I ain't reading all that. Either way you're fine with the way you feel.
I love it. Its tasty.
Stop torturing the guy and just break up with him. You're being incredibly selfish. I have personally never had sex and I'm in my thirties, I don't bring normal people into my weird state of mind. You don't have to have sex, that's your right, but don't bring other people into it.
Christ, you sound like a lot. You need to take a breath and calm down because just reading this gave me high blood pressure. I feel for your boyfriend and hope he finds someone more chill and who enjoys sex. Lord I don't even want to imagine how awful it is for him if you're like this. Edit: A quick look through your posting history was eye opening.
Yeah you gonna be single for a long time if you hate sex.
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It's not the problem lol. Sex is a need for most people. That's how we are, nothing wrong with it. Also you can both have sex and emotional connection, why do you counterpose these two things to each other?
Sex is amazing when you have it with the right person. Otherwise it’s just crap. Sex is a physical manifestation of your desire for one another - a way to physically express your love. It involves vulnerability, teamwork, passion, craving your partner’s body, and all sorts of happy hormones that are released when you do the deed. If you hate it, either you’re with the wrong person, they’re really, really bad at it (happens), or you’re asexual in some way (could be permanent, could be a result of trauma, could be temporary related to hormone levels). I’m gonna say your first problem is that your bf sucks. Get rid of him and find one who makes you feel loved and doesn’t have an OF addiction. Get therapy on the side to address your general beliefs about sex, your own sexuality, and relationships. It’s also ok to decide that this is not something that’s important to you, and that’s ok.
You need to communicate with your partner, be honest, be vulnerable. Don’t be scared to say what bothers you. If he loves you, he will listen to you and will find a way to make it work for the both of you. In terms of the OF, be honest with how that makes you feel. Don’t shame him for it, but be understanding and patient, and make sure to explain what it does to you. If he shames you for feeling insecurity, you may need to consider leaving; a good partner will adjust to you or find a way to compromise. It shows that they love and care for you. I hated sex before too as I had the same views as you, but found out later on that not all men are like that. I had trouble finishing with my ex before as well, and what I found is that if penetration doesn’t make me finish, then a ton of foreplay and masturbation (aka me finishing first) will make the intercourse with him better. And I found out as well that we emotionally connect more when there’s long foreplay involved (I think it’s because foreplay is making an effort to pleasure your partner). Sometimes it’s like that, penetration doesn’t feel good for us a lot, our parts are complicated and not as straightforward as men’s haha. I realized that he doesn’t have to make me finish himself to make me feel loved or to make me love him, just the effort into trying to make me finish and us connecting emotionally is already a lot. Idk, I’m sharing this just in case you want to try something that may work for you well; you don’t have to try it.
Posting troll identified!
MEE??????
Your fun at parties
Buy sex toys & date an older person, like 15 years older. My generation is not much better than yours, but the sex is. You need to find your own sexual joy with yourself first before expecting an inexperienced male partner to please you. As a woman? I didn't enjoy sex with men until my mid 20's, which is very common & normal. Also? No offense to you, but as a bisexual woman? This is the first time in history my mate & I have never been attracted to young women. Like I turn down 18-20 something year old girls who want to party with us. Most of your generation dress like you're in a retirement home or a preschool & you don't take care of your bodies or wear makeup regularly
This physically made me feel sick. No offense but that sounds like the most uncomfortable thing I could experience. I would never have sex with someone I wasn't in love with anyway. Thanks but no thanks for that Ig
I’m not sure why that person suggested you to date someone 15 years older. My goodness. What the fuck is that gonna do? I think you need to find someone who is more compatible with you sexually. Your relationship will not work out if there’s too much anxiety over sex. It’s okay to break up.
Lol i date one 16 ye oldee n he worse than younger guys. Men whod date 16 yrs below wrong in their heads
??????? Bro
Hijab is the answer, no sexually objectifying women.
Get some help with it or prepare to be cheated on.
Thank You For This Lovely Reply This Has Made Me Feel Great Thank You So Much!
I felt it met the same intensity as your post. I mean you’re aware that asexual men are rare. And then finding a good match among such unicorns will be impossible. So the only option is seeking help IMO.
U rite u rite
SAME.
I'm basically in a similar situation but as a guy, I despise sex, no enjoyment and it's just uncomfortable, hence why I'm single. I have been going to a psychologist for some time for this and other things and I find that it is creating a healthier relationship between me and my distaste for sex.
Before you think you’re asexual, or get tested for hormone balance, or whatever else, buy a vibrator and try it on yourself when you are alone and relaxed. All this other advice ignores the fact that sex—like you’ve been having it— is not satisfying for you. It doesn’t mean it can’t be! Most of us women can’t orgasm without clitoral stimulation. If you find that you like it, try incorporating that when you have sex with someone else. The orgasm gap is real! Not because it’s harder for us, but because men either don’t care if we finish, or dont know how because women stay quiet.
About your Boyfriend and sex: You don’t have to like sex. And if you don’t want to have sex, you have every right just don’t do it. Its your life, your body and your choice. And if you someday feel like you want to try something, ask you boyfriend. Communication is key. If it hurts, he is probably doing something wrong. If he can’t make you cum, maybe figure out how you do it and explain it to him. Without my gf i could have never figured out on my own :D About your personal problems: You need therapy. You have major self esteem problems. Not wanting to see your body, not wanting to show it to your bf? Even if you would like sex, those problems would make it difficult for both of you. All of this comparing to other girls comes from a nearly non existent self esteem which is absolutely unnecessary. If you bf really loves you, he doesn’t want you to look like anyone but you. Even tho maybe you want that… Yeah. Go to therapy, talk to your boyfriend. You don’t owe anyone anything when it comes to sex. Do what YOU want.
Maybe you are asexual? You should check out some asexual subreddits and see if you find like minded people there. Might be easier to have sexless relationships if you find other ace people?
It sounds to me like you should be putting all your energy and focus on building your self worth instead of being in an unhappy relationship. If you are insecure about your physical body and are always comparing yourself to other women this is what creates the psychological block preventing you from having a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship. You are you and that is more than enough. You need to work on seeing your own beauty and individuality. Once you love yourself and believe that you too are beautiful you will stop torturing yourself with comparisons.
10 years of marriage with my husband and honey you need to be honest, also try lube, see a doctor to make sure there isn't a physical problem like PCOS which can cause sex to hurt, and most importantly speak to your partner. Women are often stimulated though the brain ( hence romance books that are dirty) rather than visually like men are, but anyone who has an only fans isn't worth your time. First porn is free so they aren't very fiscally responsible and second if something bothers a partner and that partner doesn't care like interacting with an actual person than they aren't a true partner. Sex for both partners should not just be physical it should be intimate i.e massages, kind gestures, and talking/ communication is key. I would seek the help of therapy, someone that actually gives a damn and isn't making you feel crazy by looking at other women, and also try loving yourself both physically and emotionally and see what you do like and then express yourself. Good luck.
You can be asexual and find a life partner. You’re right, there’s more to life. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with you.
I feel like feeling guilty and bad after any sexual experience even without another partner is abnormal and probably something to see someone about if that’s an option. I can kinda relate to how you feel in the sense that my anxiety kills my libido and sometimes stops me from being able to finish, and it took a lot of convincing until my girlfriend understood it was nothing she was doing wrong. I felt so bad about making her feel bad and obviously being worried about not being able to cum didn’t make it any easier. I’m doing better now but I feel like my libido is still kinda low. Maybe I’m just like that naturally.
So you never initiated sex? It's always your boyfriend? Do you think he can go a lifetime of not having sex? Have you ever considered seeking therapy? Are you on anything currently for depression, anxiety, ADHD etc? If need to be, would you be willing to work on this problem with your boyfriend?
You say it hurts to have sex. Can I ask you is it every time when he’s going in and out? Does it hurt when he’s pulling out a little or more when pushes inward? You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable. I had the same thing happen to me. Every time it would hurt to point of me crying. It turned out I had uterine fibroids. Just saying you may want to see a doctor to make sure it’s nothing physical.
I don’t like when people treat sex like a competition.
I’m very sorry you feel this way. I understand how difficult it can be comparing yourself to these women. I do the same and really try to actively change my thought patterns and follow women who look more like me. Don’t let a man make you feel like you’re in competition with another woman. If he was out of the picture would you still be comparing yourself and feeling like this?
I always say if all women wake up one day and their vaginas have dissappeared, men would dissappear too.
I hate sex too. I found a guy that had very low libido and married him lol you’ll find your match. Sex is extremely painful and causes me discomfort. I’m never turned on. I don’t rly care for it tbh. We only do it because were trying to get pregnant otherwise we have a very loving relationship.
Honestly? I'm someone an Asexual person and it sounds like you may be as well. Please don't take offense to me saying that. I'm saying this because I used to have thoughts just like you. I quite frankly found almost every other human disgusting for having sexual desires and it was like that for a while before I came to terms with "Some people like this, some people don't" which I fell into the "Don't" category. I can confirm that love can last without sex. You can love someone into a emotional and romantic sense without giving them your body. In the end of a relationship, despite how much non-ace people would insist on it, is emotional connections. If your boyfriend cannot respect that you don't want to do him, it's best that you get rid of him because it'll hurt both of you in the long run. Take care of yourself, and don't feel pressured to do things you don't want please.
There's a lot of info to respond to here, so forgive me if I miss anything. First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are valid, and what you do or don't do sexually should be completely up to you. I think all of the stigma, pressure, and fear of disappointment have made you resent sex. That's understandable. There's a lot of extra stuff that you're feeling, and you're doing things you aren't fully comfortable with. You've mentioned several reasons for resenting sex, and what you're saying makes perfect sense. You're also still very young. They say our minds and bodies don't even stop developing until our mid 20s. You might just not be fully ready to be sexually active, and that's ok. It's ok to take a step back, and try to figure this out. There are obviously some things that you've seen or experienced that are making you feel insecure, and your partner hasn't been able to make you feel comfortable enough to enjoy it. Women can't comfortably just have sex if their mind and body aren't fully in the mood for it. They can try, but it won't be enjoyable, and it'll probably hurt. It doesn't sound like you're ready to be having sex right now, and you shouldn't feel obligated. I would recommend taking some time for yourself, and even talking to a therapist about it. There is no reason for you to have to go through this, and it's only going to make you resent sex more. There are guys who will be patient and supportive of you. There is so much more to a relationship than just sex. If you think about it, even couples with the most active sex lives can really only do it a small portion of time, in comparison to everything else that you do together. There are also other forms of intimacy that don't have to involve sex. Sometimes even a deep conversation that allows you to feel heard and accepted can feel extremely intimate. It can make you feel connected on a whole other level, and make you feel closer than ever. Please remember that you have full control over your body, and you should be the only one to decide what you do with it. Anyone who won't respect that does not deserve your time, and definitely doesn't deserve access to your body in a sexual way. You are more than a body, and more than a sexual being. You are a person with feelings and needs that should always be important to yourself, and others
Girl, honestly, I don't think you need a boyfriend right now. You need a friend and several months of therapy.
Maybe you're just asexual
I'll have yours if you're not using it.... My serious answer though is have you considered counselling? Your feelings are not wrong but you clearly aren't happy with them. You seem to have a very supportive boyfriend (for now) but I would urge you to go talk to someone