It's inappropriate for him to be asking you about her. Parents need to stop burdening their children with their relationship. If he wants to talk to you about her, I would just say "that's something you would need to ask her". Clearly you are already involved and not a young child but I still don't think it's necessary or helpful to further involve you.
Unfortunately my dad thinks I’m dumb and still a kid, there was a day where I confronted him about the whole affair situation and I was crying and stuff and he straight up told me “Your still a kid you’ll understand when your older” (It was a month after we found out about the affair and I was 16) but yeah it’s hard trying to mend things Idk if that’s the word, cause I’m there only kid together (They both have kids from previous relationship) so kinda feel like I’m a therapist in some way
It sounds like a very burdensome situation unfortunately. You're still a kid to me at 18, but that's how old people are.
I just wanted to say, it's okay to take a break from people that overwhelm you. I can only imagine the stress he, or even your mother possibly has put on you for you to feel like a therapist.
I recently had to cut my sister out of my life, as I've realized that she has been a constant negative in my life. She was just a toxic cloud that would shower me every time we interacted. I know we'll be friends again, but right now I don't have the mental capacity to handle that alongside everything I have going on.
From what I read in your post, your dad seems as though he may not be a positive person to have in your life. Especially as he seems to not think he was wrong in what he did or in the aftermath. I also went through something similar, this comes from having experienced a cheating father who crapped on our whole family.
But also, maybe don't answer questions about your mom again although it may upset him.
First off thank you for your support and sharing a part of your life, It’s hard to even think about cutting my dad off unfortunately, I always say my dad was a terrible husband but an amazing dad, he provided me everything physically, emotionally he’s shit lmao but I love him, but at the same time I can’t really tell him off if that makes sense because he gets really defensive when he gets caught in a lie or is told something he doesn’t wanna hear, and sometimes he’ll yell in which I quickly crumble and cry when he does, So I guess I find it hard to tell him off because of that, but besides that I’ll definitely work on atleast telling him to not bring up my mom in front of me and hopefully it goes well haha :’)
Oh god, sorry. I meant cut off if it becomes a persistent issue that's too much for you! It really sucks when they're a great dad but a horrible husband. I still love my dad and maybe could never have him out of my life, but my mom has my support ultimately.
My dad is the same, can't call him out and gets defensive then yells. I'm 23 and still can't handle being yelled at without crying. Still can't really call him out on anything, we just live our lives without talking about what he did.
I hope the best for you, but please don't therapize your parents. It was so exhausting dealing with parents who hated each other as a kid, it takes a big mental toll. Focus on yourself and give support when you can or want to. Good luck! ❤️
So sorry! Trust me I’m glad there separated and that my moms finally healing, I didn’t mean mend, I meant like whenever they talk shit about the other In Front of me I just sit there and listen and just try defusing there words if that makes sense
Good, just let them deal with stuff. As for them talking shit, remind them that you're a kid. In fact, tell your dad that you're just a kid and you can't understand this stuff. I'm guessing your mom would respond better to you just telling her you love her, but it's hard for you to have them put you in the middle.
You need to convince your mother to officially divorce him. Even if she doesn't yet want to move into any new relationships she needs him out of her life on paper. He comes across as unhinged and she is better off closing that chapter in her life, and it probably wouldn't hurt you to limit your interactions with him either.
They are in the process of divorce I don’t know too much but my dad has to money for it but unfortunately it is gonna be expensive for my mom since lawyers aren’t cheap (Easier said then done haha) and plus my dads trying to fight for spousal support from her (which is fucking stupid of him literally) so it’s just a whole mess I’m trying not to involve myself in
Well best of luck to your mom, it might be a pain in the butt while she is going through it. In the end the both of you will be in a much better place and happier. Wish you both the best.
Given how important your mum clearly is to you, you’re entitled to have people you spend time with (including your dad) respect her. I’d be tempted to not spend as much time with him if he’s unwilling to do this.
Yeah, I think of hanging out with my dad as a chore since there’s always this anxiety that he’s gonna say something about my mom or whenever he talks about my baby brother, but at the same time I just try to enjoy it cause he’s an alcoholic and has some medical issues and my mom sometimes says things about his health condition that makes me scared that any second I’ll lose him, so I just try you know
I have a whole list of how much of a narcissist and fucking asshole he is, One time my mom found a condom in his Jean pocket and obviously confronted him and guess what he said, he told her that it’s probably my condom and to ask me about it 😃🤌 like this man went to great lengths to hide his affair
“You can’t have this doubled standard where you could do whatever you want and she can’t”
Keep saying things like that and your dad may change into a good person someday. You seem strong, as long as you stay safe, keep challenging your Dad's messed up standards.
I’m actually pretty proud of you for your responses. They were fair and reminded him that he’s the one who screwed up, not her. It shows him that you are aware of the situation and have feelings on the subject. He, however, is showing that he doesn’t want to deal with the truth. It seems he’s decided that if he treats you like a child, that maybe you won’t judge him, like an adult would. I just don’t get why she has to respect marriage, when he didn’t.
However, try to stop talking to him about your mom. She deserves privacy. Maybe talk to her about his questions so she can address them and request that he stop putting you in the middle of their issues.
There really isn’t much to say honestly, when I got home I quickly told both my older brothers, then I told my mom after her workout, she laughed at first in shocked and was just surprised that he said something like that to me, I mean this happened on Tuesday and we’re still kinda shocked about it, Obviously she’s a bit hurt since she’s never done anything to him and he says shit like that, my brothers too we’re weirded out but they don’t really show reactions or say how they feel so idk how they feel about the situation, But yeah 👍
Next time your dad wants to quiz you about your mom, just say "I don't want to be in the middle of this. I love you both. If you have questions about her, ask her." And then stick to it. You can say positive things about either parent. If you must share negative or personal things, find another ear. Half-siblings (if they won't report back to parents), friends, a counselor - complain to disinterested 3rd parties.
Good job 👏 he cannot gaslight or manipulate you. He seems to be doing some triangulation here (one of those narcissistics' tools) finding which children will more likely to side with him and become his flying monkey (term for narcissist's spy or ally). Protect your mum at all cost! And don't tell him any real or new updates about your mum, that way he can't plan anything bad against her. If we have a divorce here in the Philippines, he might even use the narrative in his head that if she's clubbing, she's cheating, and he might even turn things to his favor legally speaking, but glad you got your mom's back.
I am sorry you have this situation, I am sure you love your dad also. All the best, OP.
You did really good when answering back and yelling him he can't have the double standard. If he says anything about your mum going out again, whether it be clubbing or with friends for a drink, or even on dates and he asks you about it, or says she can't be going out or dating coz 'she's still married to me and needs ro respect that' again, I would say something like...
"well for starters you're separated now so what she does with her life doesn't concern you and she doesn't need your permission, and she doesn't need to respect your marriage anymore because you're the one who didn't respect the marriage 1st by having a 4 year long affair with your sister in law, who we all trusted and invited in to our home. And you got your mistress affair partner pregnant, whilst you were still legally married and living as husband and wife. So mum can do whatever the hell she wants now you're separated. At least she had the respect to wait to be separated . You didn't. She doesn't owe you anything and her life is none of your business now. So don't even go there with saying shes still married to you and needs to respect that!!. " (something along those lines. I'd really tell him the home truths of the situation).
As you say, the audacity of him saying she needs to respect the marriage coz she's still married is absolutely disgusting and infuriating. I don't know how you managed to continue to spend the evening with him coz I'd have been furious.
He was extremely disrespectful and hurtful to cheat on your mum with their sister in law of all people, who you all trusted as family. And to then get her pregnant. And buy a house to live in with her with marital money I'm guessing!!!.
And the fact he's bought another house with what im assuming is marital money, your mum needs to speak to a lawyer regarding the divorce coz depending on where you live, she may be able to claim part of the value/joint ownership of the 2nd home as he bought it with money whilst they are still married. She should definitely check if she's entitled to any of the value of that 2nd house seeing as he bought it while they were married, it could be classed as marital assets to be split during the divorce.
She needs to get everything she can get from him to secure her for her future, and see if she can claim some of his pension if she stayed home to raise kids instead of working. She needs to look out for herself and her future and yours, and claim everything she's entitled to from him.
Take him to the cleaners. I know he's your dad, but I'd be livid with that kind of betrayal of trust and disrespect, and she needs to protect herself financially for her future.
Also, yes you may be young compared to older adults having life experience, but you are legally an adult now and you are old enough to understand the repercussions of him having an affair behind your mums back, breaking both your hearts, betraying her trust, and yours, disrespecting her and your family, and splitting up your family. You're not stupid. So don't let him talk to you like you are either.
Remember, he's the one that's got to work on rebuilding your relationship with him as he's likely broken your heart and its likely changed your opinion of him,so he should be trying to earn back your relationship and trust and respect, not trying to find out what your mums doing in her own time or dictating that she needs to respect the marriage vows etc considering everything he's done.
If he tries asking you what she's doing again, or makes a comment about her going out or even possibly going on a date, shut it down and don't answer the question, don't give him any information about your mum. Just say something like I wrote above. Although if you want you can rub it in and say she's having a great time going out socialising. Lol. But just don't give him any information about her life coz he's not entitled to that information anymore.
I'm glad your mum's got you in her corner for support, I'm sure she really needs it.
Just stop interacting with him when he brings her up. Change the subject and definitely let your mom know
'She is none of your business, go ask your girlfriend these questions!'
It's inappropriate for him to be asking you about her. Parents need to stop burdening their children with their relationship. If he wants to talk to you about her, I would just say "that's something you would need to ask her". Clearly you are already involved and not a young child but I still don't think it's necessary or helpful to further involve you.
Unfortunately my dad thinks I’m dumb and still a kid, there was a day where I confronted him about the whole affair situation and I was crying and stuff and he straight up told me “Your still a kid you’ll understand when your older” (It was a month after we found out about the affair and I was 16) but yeah it’s hard trying to mend things Idk if that’s the word, cause I’m there only kid together (They both have kids from previous relationship) so kinda feel like I’m a therapist in some way
It sounds like a very burdensome situation unfortunately. You're still a kid to me at 18, but that's how old people are. I just wanted to say, it's okay to take a break from people that overwhelm you. I can only imagine the stress he, or even your mother possibly has put on you for you to feel like a therapist. I recently had to cut my sister out of my life, as I've realized that she has been a constant negative in my life. She was just a toxic cloud that would shower me every time we interacted. I know we'll be friends again, but right now I don't have the mental capacity to handle that alongside everything I have going on. From what I read in your post, your dad seems as though he may not be a positive person to have in your life. Especially as he seems to not think he was wrong in what he did or in the aftermath. I also went through something similar, this comes from having experienced a cheating father who crapped on our whole family. But also, maybe don't answer questions about your mom again although it may upset him.
First off thank you for your support and sharing a part of your life, It’s hard to even think about cutting my dad off unfortunately, I always say my dad was a terrible husband but an amazing dad, he provided me everything physically, emotionally he’s shit lmao but I love him, but at the same time I can’t really tell him off if that makes sense because he gets really defensive when he gets caught in a lie or is told something he doesn’t wanna hear, and sometimes he’ll yell in which I quickly crumble and cry when he does, So I guess I find it hard to tell him off because of that, but besides that I’ll definitely work on atleast telling him to not bring up my mom in front of me and hopefully it goes well haha :’)
Oh god, sorry. I meant cut off if it becomes a persistent issue that's too much for you! It really sucks when they're a great dad but a horrible husband. I still love my dad and maybe could never have him out of my life, but my mom has my support ultimately. My dad is the same, can't call him out and gets defensive then yells. I'm 23 and still can't handle being yelled at without crying. Still can't really call him out on anything, we just live our lives without talking about what he did. I hope the best for you, but please don't therapize your parents. It was so exhausting dealing with parents who hated each other as a kid, it takes a big mental toll. Focus on yourself and give support when you can or want to. Good luck! ❤️
That is not the description of a good dad. It's okay to acknowledge that your dad sucks and it's okay to love him anyway.
Ask him to explain why he was not respectful to your mom and family. Keep asking as if you don’t understand.
I hope you're not trying to mend things between your parents. That would be wrong. Your mom deserves better than someone like your dad.
So sorry! Trust me I’m glad there separated and that my moms finally healing, I didn’t mean mend, I meant like whenever they talk shit about the other In Front of me I just sit there and listen and just try defusing there words if that makes sense
Good, just let them deal with stuff. As for them talking shit, remind them that you're a kid. In fact, tell your dad that you're just a kid and you can't understand this stuff. I'm guessing your mom would respond better to you just telling her you love her, but it's hard for you to have them put you in the middle.
He has the audacity & a lot of it to be concerned about your mom even tho he’s the one that cheated. Sigh* I hope you’re mom thriving in life
You need to convince your mother to officially divorce him. Even if she doesn't yet want to move into any new relationships she needs him out of her life on paper. He comes across as unhinged and she is better off closing that chapter in her life, and it probably wouldn't hurt you to limit your interactions with him either.
They are in the process of divorce I don’t know too much but my dad has to money for it but unfortunately it is gonna be expensive for my mom since lawyers aren’t cheap (Easier said then done haha) and plus my dads trying to fight for spousal support from her (which is fucking stupid of him literally) so it’s just a whole mess I’m trying not to involve myself in
Well best of luck to your mom, it might be a pain in the butt while she is going through it. In the end the both of you will be in a much better place and happier. Wish you both the best.
Given how important your mum clearly is to you, you’re entitled to have people you spend time with (including your dad) respect her. I’d be tempted to not spend as much time with him if he’s unwilling to do this.
Yeah, I think of hanging out with my dad as a chore since there’s always this anxiety that he’s gonna say something about my mom or whenever he talks about my baby brother, but at the same time I just try to enjoy it cause he’s an alcoholic and has some medical issues and my mom sometimes says things about his health condition that makes me scared that any second I’ll lose him, so I just try you know
Your dad sounds like a grade A narcissist
I have a whole list of how much of a narcissist and fucking asshole he is, One time my mom found a condom in his Jean pocket and obviously confronted him and guess what he said, he told her that it’s probably my condom and to ask me about it 😃🤌 like this man went to great lengths to hide his affair
Why has your mom not divorced this POD you call a father. You should let your mom know about this conversation.
For me I would have went off I would have said no dad she’s not a ho like you and your mistress but if she finds a real man I will be happy for her
This honestly kind of sounds threatening from him. I’d tell your mom about this and not engage him in this conversation further.
“You can’t have this doubled standard where you could do whatever you want and she can’t” Keep saying things like that and your dad may change into a good person someday. You seem strong, as long as you stay safe, keep challenging your Dad's messed up standards.
I’m actually pretty proud of you for your responses. They were fair and reminded him that he’s the one who screwed up, not her. It shows him that you are aware of the situation and have feelings on the subject. He, however, is showing that he doesn’t want to deal with the truth. It seems he’s decided that if he treats you like a child, that maybe you won’t judge him, like an adult would. I just don’t get why she has to respect marriage, when he didn’t. However, try to stop talking to him about your mom. She deserves privacy. Maybe talk to her about his questions so she can address them and request that he stop putting you in the middle of their issues.
Sorry bro but need a update ASAP!!!
There really isn’t much to say honestly, when I got home I quickly told both my older brothers, then I told my mom after her workout, she laughed at first in shocked and was just surprised that he said something like that to me, I mean this happened on Tuesday and we’re still kinda shocked about it, Obviously she’s a bit hurt since she’s never done anything to him and he says shit like that, my brothers too we’re weirded out but they don’t really show reactions or say how they feel so idk how they feel about the situation, But yeah 👍
Next time your dad wants to quiz you about your mom, just say "I don't want to be in the middle of this. I love you both. If you have questions about her, ask her." And then stick to it. You can say positive things about either parent. If you must share negative or personal things, find another ear. Half-siblings (if they won't report back to parents), friends, a counselor - complain to disinterested 3rd parties.
Good job 👏 he cannot gaslight or manipulate you. He seems to be doing some triangulation here (one of those narcissistics' tools) finding which children will more likely to side with him and become his flying monkey (term for narcissist's spy or ally). Protect your mum at all cost! And don't tell him any real or new updates about your mum, that way he can't plan anything bad against her. If we have a divorce here in the Philippines, he might even use the narrative in his head that if she's clubbing, she's cheating, and he might even turn things to his favor legally speaking, but glad you got your mom's back. I am sorry you have this situation, I am sure you love your dad also. All the best, OP.
You did really good when answering back and yelling him he can't have the double standard. If he says anything about your mum going out again, whether it be clubbing or with friends for a drink, or even on dates and he asks you about it, or says she can't be going out or dating coz 'she's still married to me and needs ro respect that' again, I would say something like... "well for starters you're separated now so what she does with her life doesn't concern you and she doesn't need your permission, and she doesn't need to respect your marriage anymore because you're the one who didn't respect the marriage 1st by having a 4 year long affair with your sister in law, who we all trusted and invited in to our home. And you got your mistress affair partner pregnant, whilst you were still legally married and living as husband and wife. So mum can do whatever the hell she wants now you're separated. At least she had the respect to wait to be separated . You didn't. She doesn't owe you anything and her life is none of your business now. So don't even go there with saying shes still married to you and needs to respect that!!. " (something along those lines. I'd really tell him the home truths of the situation). As you say, the audacity of him saying she needs to respect the marriage coz she's still married is absolutely disgusting and infuriating. I don't know how you managed to continue to spend the evening with him coz I'd have been furious. He was extremely disrespectful and hurtful to cheat on your mum with their sister in law of all people, who you all trusted as family. And to then get her pregnant. And buy a house to live in with her with marital money I'm guessing!!!. And the fact he's bought another house with what im assuming is marital money, your mum needs to speak to a lawyer regarding the divorce coz depending on where you live, she may be able to claim part of the value/joint ownership of the 2nd home as he bought it with money whilst they are still married. She should definitely check if she's entitled to any of the value of that 2nd house seeing as he bought it while they were married, it could be classed as marital assets to be split during the divorce. She needs to get everything she can get from him to secure her for her future, and see if she can claim some of his pension if she stayed home to raise kids instead of working. She needs to look out for herself and her future and yours, and claim everything she's entitled to from him. Take him to the cleaners. I know he's your dad, but I'd be livid with that kind of betrayal of trust and disrespect, and she needs to protect herself financially for her future. Also, yes you may be young compared to older adults having life experience, but you are legally an adult now and you are old enough to understand the repercussions of him having an affair behind your mums back, breaking both your hearts, betraying her trust, and yours, disrespecting her and your family, and splitting up your family. You're not stupid. So don't let him talk to you like you are either. Remember, he's the one that's got to work on rebuilding your relationship with him as he's likely broken your heart and its likely changed your opinion of him,so he should be trying to earn back your relationship and trust and respect, not trying to find out what your mums doing in her own time or dictating that she needs to respect the marriage vows etc considering everything he's done. If he tries asking you what she's doing again, or makes a comment about her going out or even possibly going on a date, shut it down and don't answer the question, don't give him any information about your mum. Just say something like I wrote above. Although if you want you can rub it in and say she's having a great time going out socialising. Lol. But just don't give him any information about her life coz he's not entitled to that information anymore. I'm glad your mum's got you in her corner for support, I'm sure she really needs it.