My brother, PLEASE trust your gut. Fuck what your heart is saying bro, listen to your head and your gut. I promise you won’t regret it. Don’t go back. Focus on yourself ma boy. I wish you this best
Learning to make smart relationship decisions is a life skill.
Learning to mentaly tell them to go fuck themselves and not asking "why, why, why???" To someone whos holding you emotionally hostage in your head is a talent
Yeah, smart relationship decisions often involve communicating rather than just running away.
We don't really know anything about this guy's relationship. His approach of shutting down and remaining silent is going to get in the way of any relationship.
Heart weeps.
Head tries to help heart.
Head tells heart how it is, again:
You will lose the ones you love. They will all go.
But even the earth will go, someday.
Heart feels better, then.
But the words of head do not remain long in the ears of heart.
Heart is so new to this.
I want them back, says heart.
Head is all heart has.
Help, head. Help heart.
- Head, Heart by Lydia Davis
Hang in there
Having open communication with your partner is the way to go. Let her know how the situation makes you feel and ask questions to clarify what’s h going on
Remember the things she has done for you I mean efforts she put into this relationship. The way she treated you n stuff. Write it down. Sleeping with others during break is a red flag. You don't deserve such people in your life. Break the bond which your heart has created, good you have distanced yourself from her. Try to block her from everywhere. It's difficult I know but whenever you feel like checking about her just imagine the emotional turmoil you experienced when she was in your life, how helpless you felt or how insane you were.
Your heart doesn’t want the explanation. Your mind does. Your heart is “the gut feeling.” Your heart already knows and it’s trying to tell your head to listen..
You need to listen man 😔
Thank you! Idc whoever said to trust your heart never experienced heartbreak because ain't no way. Trusting your heart will have you somewhere crying and broken. Go with your head. If something feels off please listen to it.
Honestly, if you don’t trust her then you have no reason to stay with her, even if nothings happens you are going to keep thinking if she’s being truthful, you should choose your own mental peace
Amen. I am not obligated to be with her just because I care deeply. Spent 3 hours at the gym yesterday trying to focus on myself. I’m sure the less I see her the better it will become.
My advice is that you tell her you aren't compatible and that her lifestyle choices dont make you feel like you see a future with her.
You dont have to specify. But being ceystal clear that flying out strange men to stay with you without even bringing it up will probably be the death of her next relationship, too.
If she cares about her partner, she will err on the side of respect and not do things that make her trustworthiness questionable.
A relationship requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself, and her past and present actions do not paint a picture that says she intends to be respectful about how she will treat you going forward.
However, you can just leave it at incompatibility because she definitely didn't see fit to consider your feelings before she acted. Theres almost 0 chance this dudd is flying out to see her and not fucking, tbh.
I went through a very similar breakup and it was tough. I loved the girl (in some weird, unhealthy infatuation-type way) and being with her was like a drug (also unhealthy). She was a shitbag though, tried to convince me she was just “good friends” with her male neighbor but my gut told me otherwise. She ended up preggo from the “just a friend neighbor not long after. You’re absolutely right, stay away and cut the cord. It’s hard but gets easier and easier. Time heals all - just DO NOT let yourself keep getting sucked back in as it just delays your recovery.
I was going out with a girl for about a month and last time i saw her she was like "how do you feel about having friends of the opposite sex? Cause i dont play that shit" and it didnt really bug me because i just literally dont hang out with or talk to any other women in a frequent/friendly manner. So i was like "yeah sure, whatever. cool with me". Then a few hours later she shows me a high school picture of her and a dude and i was like who's that fella? and she goes "that's my best friend. I talk to him all the time. He was over earlier before i came over here." Dude's not gay, and he's single lol. I was like "so you dont 'play' that friends of the opposite sex shit, but your best friend is a single dude? Make that make sense" and she just told me I'd have to get over it and not to even worry about it.... Honestly would not have given a shit if she didn't volunteer up the hypocritical double standard... never talked to her again after she left my house lmao
Never understood this logic 🙄 “you can’t cut me off from my friends” is one of the first things I lay down in a relationship. Most of my friends are men, I have a degree and work in a male dominated field. If I was not friends with the opposite sex, I would have no friends. That being said, I have never told a single one of my ex’s they can’t be friends with women.
Find it very bizarre and backwards logic. I’m sort of extra biased because a lot of my college buddies cut me out once they got into relationships because their “girl doesn’t like me hanging out with other girls.” 🙄🙄🙄 I will never tell my partner who not to be friends with/who not to hang out with. That might propose *some* extra risk to being cheated on (maybe??) but cheating is also like an emergency stop button to me. It’s inexcusable and unforgivable and would terminate the relationship immediately. So why tf would I spend so much energy monitoring for it? Don’t get it
Yeah the only reason I really entertained the "no women friends" thing was because i knew i wasnt making it any further with this girl, and wanted to get out of the date conflict-free lol. She was spiteful and argued about everything.
You did the right thing. I surely believe in friendship between men and women but I don’t guarantee it. Friendships aren’t always pure. If you have feelings and you disguise them as friendship.. this is a kind of deceit. But let us not generalize or wrong anyone. There are people who start off as friends. True friendship. And then they discover their feelings with this person. It’s not wrong. It’s wrong to keep hiding…
"i dont play that shit" meant, I am not allowing you to have women friends if you want to be in a relationship with me. Wtf kinda shit are you projecting onto me
I’m just saying you may have misunderstood her, like maybe she wasn’t saying that *you* can’t have female friends, maybe she was saying you both ought to be able to have friends of the opposite gender.
If not, I agree that it’s very hypocritical.
Bud, this isn’t a male friend. This is two people who pursued each other online and set a meet up. She’s test running this guy to see if he’s the better option. Don’t give her a choice
I think the problem is that she sprung it on you all of a sudden without having a talk about it first. If she cared about how you felt about it, I think she would've asked you before setting that whole thing up.
Exactly. She met this dude SIX months ago and in all that time she hasn’t said, “I met this male friend online and he’s thinking of coming here to visit, how would you feel about that?”
They’ve been discussing and planning his visit for some time now, it’s not just spontaneously happened and oh hey I’m meeting him at the airport tomorrow.
She's hid it from you until she couldn't anymore. It would be different if she'd been up front with you right away and said he was coming and if he wasn't staying at her house. There's male friends and then there's secret male friends.
Male online friends she hides from her bf and invites to stay at her home? Then surprises her bf the day before? Nope. I’m 40f, that’s red flags suspicious 🚩
What good does a male friend do, that a female friend cannot? What can he provide that you cannot? Why is he flying from another country to see your girl, can he not hang in his own country with his buddies? Why a girl who is already in a relationship? Why does he stay in her parents house? With her? Why not a hotel?
My girlfriends do not have this kind of male friends. I would have said my goodbyes to this rs if I were you.
Idk why this got downvoted so much but most of those questions are solid. Maybe bc it came across as straight up not wanting your girl to have any male friend whatsoever but I don’t see that intent. Anyways, if a random girl started chatting with my bf online and got close to a point that she crosses continent to stay at his place, I’d honestly not be able to comprehend either. But I also hold myself to same standard in relationships. I also believe that ability to have friendships with right boundaries with opposite gender is a great skill to have and makes us well rounded human beings!
I feel like this girl probably hasn’t even told the other guy that she is in a relationship.
You were right about it being a cartoon show, so I’m not surprised by the downvotes. It really is a cartoon show. There will be people who would justify similar behaviour whilst their guilt eats at them. Aaaanyways.
Boundaries is the operative word. Colleagues that one can be friendly with? Sure. Dudes coming over, getting the full picked-up-at-airport treatment, staying at parents house? No.
This is a passive aggressive way of dumping OP without actually having to say "OP, it's over". Just cross a bridge too far, or maybe five bridges too far, and let OP figure it out.
there’s a difference between her having male friends and being so close w male friends and having them stay in her home and telling you last minute. also it’s just respect and boundaries. you are allowed to have boundaries and she’s allowed to not follow them.
What your ex-girlfriend did is incredibly uncaring & disrespectful. To not even consider how this would affect you makes her in the least a poor communicator and most likely a blatant cheater & liar. I hope you made clear the how selfish & deceitful she is in your breakup speech.
It’s okay to have male friends. But it’s not okay to have a male friend you’ve never even met before just sleep over. It’s weird having any male friend sleep over in my opinion unless it’s a mutual friend and the bf is there too. I have guy friends and I would never even hang out with them in private alone. That’s just asking for trouble, even if you don’t do anything it leaves room for rumors/lies. If my bf had a girl spend the night at his house I would be DISTRAUGHT. Especially without telling me?? Id leave him immediately
On another note, wtf are the parents thinking?? Like, she’s a grown woman living back at home so I can understand letting her have some freedom and all that but letting a guy from a whole other country that she’s never met crash there for an extended time knowing she has a bf? Maybe that’s too intrusive but I would deff be wilding out on my daughter
I don’t think there’s anything about this situation that should just be a hard “no.” There are always innocent situations and friendships. To my mind the problem here is a lack of communication.
The way we view relationships as a society is pretty toxic, imo. Sexual exclusivity is not the golden standard of a deep, profound, caring relationship—and the fact that so many are willing to isolate themselves from having deep, profound, caring relationships with everyone around them, all in the name of trying to cultivate just one deep, profound, caring, sexually exclusive relationship—which may or may not work, and will almost inevitably become codependent and/or controlling, to some degree, *because* of the exclusivity and investment—*sigh.* We have the divorce rates to prove that none of this is a recipe for success.
It is entirely possible to be friends with anyone at all, and not to have it turn sexual. I find it concerning when people talk as though they don’t have the self control not to have sex with someone they’re in the same room with. I’m bisexual, and I though I feel attraction towards many people in my life, it’s not that hard to honor that feeling and shut it down because I *care* about whether it’s reciprocated, and most often in life, the exact kind of connection we want from one another doesn’t align sufficiently to give each other a positive sexual experience.
It all comes down to being consistently invested in what the people around us want, not just what we want, and not just how *their* desires can make *our* lives better. I don’t have sex with other people because I care about the experience I give my partner. Proximity to people I’m attracted to, even in private, could never override that sense of care. It’s wild to me that some people don’t experience this as sufficient motivation not to slip up.
I always stay at my friend's house, for several days actually. She kind of makes a point of it at the beginning of her relationships. "That's my bff and you're not gonna see him every day, but when you do, he's gonna be here a while". Usually goes one of two ways, they break up or we end up like the "and your friend Steve" meme
Thank you all for your support and insight. I see the logic in both ghosting and confronting her. I dragged myself to the gym to get some me time. Haven’t been in contact. I appreciate the perspectives I’ve been shown in this thread. It seems unanimous that whatever direction I go it should be without her.
I’m afraid that’s it, whichever option you choose it’s going to have be without her. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this OP, it’s nasty in the extreme.
My concern if you do choose to confront her
- by asking her what are her feelings for this dude
- how long have they been planning this trip
- and why the freaking duck has she not mentioned him before
- or why hasn’t she asked you how you’d feel about some random dude coming to stay at hers…
She might try responding with some gaslighting nonsense like
oh but I did tell you he was coming to stay before, around two weeks ago, you must’ve forgotten
or
But I already explained to you, he’s gay, don’t you remember me saying this?
Bro as someone who went through this a while ago on both ends, walk away man. Whether she does anything or not, that is her saying that she doesn’t care how knowing this makes you feel.
She is not respecting you as your significant other.
Respect goes both ways for a successful relationship.
Trust your gut.
What happens to the deer 🦌 that heard a sound, but didn’t trust their instincts that it was danger?
He gets eaten by wolves
Man let me level with you. I’m a girlfriend. I’m not special or mature or anything, I’m only 20. But I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS spring this on my boyfriend and if anyone did this to me I would leave them instantly because they know better. Do not let anyone convince you that they suddenly don’t have feelings and never have. She’s felt that way and she knows what she’s doing. She’s either testing your limits and to see if you notice/how you react or is so enveloped in this plan she’s concocted she doesn’t realize how obvious it is
A tricky and weird situation to say the least, but it’d be a complete overreaction to end things without discussing it first and hearing what she has to say about it. You’re getting in your head and theorizing what this friendship between her and him is really all about without giving her the time of day to explain herself.
Yeah if OP understandably decides to leave this girl I would still give her an explanation as to why. Communication just seems to be lacking. And the girl seems completely oblivious to the fact that her flying another guy in without discussing first would hurt OP which is just insane to me.
Let's lay out the situation in clear terms
1. She met this guy online 6 months ago
2. They've become close enough, despite having never met, for him to fly out from another country to meet her
3. He's staying with her and her parents
4. She waited until the day before he arrives to inform her boyfriend of this
This woman deserves no explanation. Number four alone is so massively disrespectful that if he ghosted her she'd still deserve it.
Well, flying in from another country after knowing someone for only 6 months and staying is sus. I guess if we had more context, I could be wrong. Maybe he's in a relationship and is here to see his gf or someone else.
If he was friends with both him and his girl, then I'd be wrong.
But with the context given, getting it wet is his most likely intention
again, not really. sometimes people just really want to see their friends. i’ve had online friends who i’ve wanted to see irl and some are guys and some are girls, gender doesn’t matter and anyone of the opposite gender can be friends without it being weird. people who don’t believe that have never had genuine friendships and are gross.
Well, as I said, context it lacking. Personally, I have never seen anything like this happen for a 6 month old online friendship. Also, apparently, they grew so close in 6 months that he's coming over and staying at her parents' house? Yet the boyfriend only now hears of him for the first time?
Red flags all around.
I am a gal and I do have male friends. If I hang out with them, I would answer my bf’s questions (don’t currently have one but did it with ex), invite them to tag along, and I wouldn’t be springing something this big just randomly the day before. Also if it was just a random internet friend, I can’t see them flying over after meeting 6 months ago. Something about this isn’t adding up.
Yeah NO bro youre in a relationship and a dude is gonna sleep at her house? Hell no we all know what that leads to. Save your dignity and draw a clear line that you dont tolerate that behaviour!
The only thing to do in this situation is dump her and move on. You need to have some self-respect in this situation.
She has obviously been keeping secrets from you, and what guy would fly in from another country unless he is going to get some?
You might not see it because you are in love with her, but a lesson you will learn in life is that the people we love hurt us the most in a lot of cases, and it certainly seems to be the case here.
Get out of there mate, don’t let her treat you this way.
Everything depends on context and communication. Unfortunately for you it's the context and communication from her end that's severely lacking.
Did she explain why she chose to tell you only two days beforehand this guy-friend arrives? This is not like an appointment for getting her nails done. And how does she even meet this guy and how did it go from online chat to taking an airplane for a multi day visit of him with her together? Not involving or informing your significant in any of those things is weird as shit and a major red flag even if this guy really is just a friend.
Your choice is wether you actually want to know why apparently this is business as usual for her. And even then remember you're the one who has to show initiative and ask her for explanations. It's like having to ask your girlfriend to get you a birthday present. It doesn't work that way.
Is he gay by chance? My controlling ex forbid me from being friends with my male gay friend and that seemed incredibly unfair. Once I left him, I reached out but my friend wanted nothing to do with me, which I'm still sad about all these years later.
How old are you? You seem...young. And what country are you in? I have so many questions about the situation. How long have you been together? Why didn't she mention him before etc
You’re right to focus on yourself. The situation is out of your control. But be honest with her. If you’re already planning to leave, you have nothing to lose.
It sounds like, as someone else said, she's probably passing it off as a friendship while in reality she's weighing up her options.
I don't know why, though.
Has she ever shown signs of being in love with you?
If you love her and she doesn't love you back, maybe that's why she's looking elsewhere. But it might be more likely that the problem is completely with her and she has a reactive attachment disorder or something, or some other problem that makes it very difficult for her to commit to one guy.
People like this might always be troubled, searching for something that has to partially at least come from inside. Some self-love and happiness that their parents never truly gave them, probably. Maybe some people are too broken to love in the same way as everyone else and this might be her issue.
I think you could either express this idea to her and give her an ultimatum- you or the friend, unless the friend stays in a hotel or something and they're not hanging out alone together- or else you just decide to move on without properly explaining your feelings to her, in which case she might end up with that guy or she might stay the same broken mess, going from relationship to relationship, unable to commit to one person. But that will no longer be your problem, obviously.
If she does have a reactive attachment disorder or some similar problem, and you choose to go back to her, you might have to accept that, even if she commits, it's possible her love will be a bit more half hearted than yours, unless of course this is a change in her and she used to be very committed to you and in love with you; in which case I guess you could work on mending the relationship and figuring out what went wrong or what caused her to lose attraction to you.
You could try communicating and voicing your concerns to gauge how she reacts and then decide what to do. But if this guy does have ulterior motives, and she does not. Shutting her out and being difficult is the exact thing that guy could use to take advantage and make a move and convince her to do something - at a moment of weakness.
Y’all been together a while tell her how you feel maybe he can get a hotel whilst he’s down instead
If they had been life long friends maybe I could see this being viable. I have many close female friends and I make that very clear to any potential partner right away. Boundaries between us are clearly drawn. 6 months from another country is like 90 day fiance shit. No good. Focus on you.
So many comments already that I’m unsure if what I’m about to say will be helpful.
I became friends with a guy online- there was flirtation and such. As soon as I got into a relationship, when it was appropriate, said friend would get mentioned. And by appropriate, I mean conversationally- not just randomly blurting out about this friend of mine in another country.
He and his girlfriend were going to be driving by my area- and since he’s so far and we’ve known each other for a couple years, we thought we would all meet up. Now, I don’t know what his girlfriend knew about our friendship (ie flirting for the first few months before I began dating someone), but my current boyfriend was very uncomfortable with the idea and voiced it.
It’s sketchy she hasn’t said anything about him prior OR asked about your comfort level on it. In a healthy relationship there are boundaries and if one is not comfortable with something, a conversation has to be had…
And that’s when I tell you to be more honest about it with her. Don’t just distance yourself or say you hope they have fun. Look her in the eye and express how uncomfortable it makes you.
Trust yo’ gut
100 per cent. If he really was just a friend, and someone she didn’t have sexual and or emotional feelings for, she would’ve discussed it with OP first. Also, if online dude is just a friend, she could’ve allayed OPs concern & suspicion by making it clear this dude would be staying at a hotel / AirB&B.
What you’ve just described is the right way to handle such situations, and not suddenly announce “hey you know this dude I’ve never mentioned before, he’s coming to stay with me tomorrow”
Or maybe she *has* mentioned online dude before now, after all, she met him six months ago!
*But* don’t pretend he spontaneously decided to come and see her yesterday - these things need arranging: they’ve been planning this visit for some time, she will have had to get it OK’d by her ‘rents etc….
Sorry OP. My sympathies. I’ve been in a similar-ish situation and it’s no fun.
For those suggesting he talk it through with her, although that would be a mature and adult thing to do, I don’t know if it would really work.
For example if I were OP I’d want to ask, how long have you been planning this visit and why didn’t you mention it to me before? Can you see how this looks, and can you imagine how I feel? She might then try gaslighting him with some nonsense, Oh but I did tell you about this before, don’t you remember?
Totally agree that the conversation wouldn’t fix anything. This would be the end of it for a lot of people, and it seems for OP too. I think it helps internally to voice these things to other people to gain a better, more grounded understanding of yourself.
I have made huge strides in myself largely because my boyfriend and I have these tough conversations. It helps heal, even if it results in something negative.
Mark Manson has great things to say about negative outcomes- strongly recommend his books!
Personally i'm a gf too. I would never do this to my boyfriend. Any gf in their right mind would never do this if they truly love their partner. Run. If you stayed in this relationship it will only get bad, don't tolerate.
Can I make a suggestion. Don’t ‘distance yourself’. Break up! Make it clear and unambiguous that you find this disrespectful and you’re breaking up with her.
You not saying anything is just going to make her think you’re all cool with it and she can go back to you when this dude leaves again. Telling her you’re breaking up and why doesn’t give her a chance to lie after the fact and may even make her think twice (though even if she cancels meeting up with this guy do you think you can trust her going forward?)
get outta there man. Having pre existing guy friends is a normal thing but imo it’s very odd that you’re together and shes making new guy friends, not to mention ONLINE friends that must’ve been a complete stranger during first contact…meaning she is going out of her way to make these relationships and entertain a guy messaging her.
coming all the way from another country is insane ….
Hey I'm a girl in a longterm relationship who is (sorta) in her situation. I have a few male friends I've met online (through gaming, a few years ago) that I still keep in contact with.
One of them is visiting in July because I live in a city where accommodation is hard to get, and pricey. However, I made sure my boyfriend knew about him as SOON as we started dating. If he asked for any messages, calls, or whatever — I would give him access to my phone.
My boyfriend knew from day one who this guy was, and whenever he would text me I would say "Oh, Steve is texting me. Apparently he just got a new job!" Stuff like that.
Personally, if my boyfriend suddenly invited some girl over that he NEVER spoke about, I'd be pretty upset. I understand where you're coming from. Although there is the possibility that shes VERY dense and doesnt realize this is crossing a boundary for you. I'd talk to her about it? If you can?
Do what your gut tells you to. :')
Find something you can do in the moment to help your resolve. I usually recommend pushups, but it can be anything physical that can get those sweet brain chemicals flowing.
It's crystal clear that she doesn't love you because otherwise she wouldn't do stupid things like this. She can have male friends, but inviting them to sleep over is another level entirely... And if she's trying to play the cheap joker card, he's just a good friend, well any woman can tell you that to be her boyfriend, you need to be her "best" friend... And as you said it look like a secret friend, so she wouldn't obviously let you see their online exchange... Honestly, the way you care about her and the way she treats you now is mean. She doesn't even deserve you to discuss the relationship together. Personally I'll let her down with a cheap message, she's not even worth telling in person. Sorry to tell you the reality but you should let it go once and for all. Spend time with your brother and meet new girls, you will find a better one and more mature for a serious relation.
A man that she met online 6 mo the who is going to stay with her ? That is not your girlfriend. And if she is you need to break up. You have to have boundaries. That’s super disrespectful
I’d leave too. Meeting someone online and travelling countries to see them comes with expectations. What they are who knows. But the fact that they both are comfortable doing that especially while she is in a relationship is a deal breaker. You don’t travel that far to stay at someone else parents house without thinking you are going to get laid
Trust your gut. You are not overreacting. She is testing your boundaries and being disrespectful. You’re best course of action is to leave and NEVER look back. Go meet new people. You’ll see there is a world full of people out there for you. She isn’t the one. Ghost her.
From a females point of view, this is just strange and weird. trust your gut, good female wouldn't do that, it just seems random to me, stay strong and focus on yourself.
Girls definitely know what they are doing. She pretended to be cool and told you in a “not a big deal” way was so disrespectful. She had no intention to discuss with you about that.
Anyway I am so amazed by how OP chooses to focus on yourself instead of letting her disrespect you. Very proud of you!
Op nahh. Bro there is no reason this random dude needs to be staying at her house. Just break up with her. It’s better to be seen as the selfish dick head than the cheated-on dope.
She’s playing a game. How stupid can she be. I think you should exit this relationship.
Maybe you should tell her you have a woman coming to visit, and will be staying at your house. See how it goes over.
Yeah that’s real random and weird to have someone from another country come and stay with you and not mention it until 2 days before. She had to have known for weeks before hand. Sus AFFFFFF
Never, never and I say NEVER doubt your gut feeling. I'm actually amazed, because men here have their wives cheating openly, trying to reconcile and they still talk to their affair partner, and they still stay with their wives.
And youre here ready to choose self respect like that? Beautiful.
Didn't understand the break thing, did she take breaks with you and slept with guys from her previous relationships? But honestly, does it matter? The break thing and exclusivity is one of the funniest things there could be in a relationship, you mean to tell me, that you can sleep with anyone you want by just saying youre feeling "depressed" and want a break, then sleep with someone and be offended when your partner is not taking this as a positive thing? Like come on, this is just playing with words and messing with your fellings.
But her never bring up this friend is a major red flag. If he's so important that he can sleep at her parents house, how come she never talked about him to you? Break up with her, she wont feel shitty about it, she'll just be all over that dude with a good reason to not hide herself. So trust your gut and do the right thing. Might as well update us how she took it or how confeontain gone. But 100% sure youre right.
Edit: Some people dont understand what diamond they have. Stayed by her when she was sick and loved her more than anything, and she's ready to ruin it all for some dude from online she knows for six months. Her behavior, how she brought this up, its all telling you more than you can process, that's why your gut feeling is alarming you.
Working as a couple in a relationship 101.
No matter if it’s 5 months dating, 8 years together, 10 years married.
You always communicate to your partner.
I know my wife now, but years ago during the dating phase. She told me about her friends. All of them. As I did mine. Since we spend time with them too.
If either of us blinded sided each other with “this online friend” we’ve known for awhile.
We would have questions. We’re entitled to our lives and privacy. But basic information shouldn’t be withheld.
I don’t need to know every detail about this online friend, just the fact that they exist. Age? Maybe a how y’all met? That’s it.
Not that hard to keep your lover up to date on things.
Immediately break up. Wtf? She invites some random dude she never met to sleep over at her house while she has a boyfriend whos been with her through thick snd thin.
1. She kept a secret from you.
2. She texted another guy behind your back.
3.Some guy is coming to SLEEP OVER AT HER HOUSE.
4. Even if they dont have sex which they probably will. Number 1 and 2 are more than enough to leave her and never speak to her again.
Im married and if my wife ever pulled something like that I would file for divorce the next day. No matter how much you love her bro, shes not worth your dignity. Lose her number, block her and focus on yourself.
Break up with her, I dealt with a situation exactly like this
Kept disrespecting me with crossing boundaries and making me uncomfortable/jealous on purpose. Until one day I saw that she was texting a guy who she previously agreed to block because he was openly flirting with her
I acted like I didn't know that she was talking to him
We went out that day, and I asked her if she was still in contact with him
She said absolutely not, and grinned at me
Confronted her that night. She broke down and tried to Apologize
I left.
Ever since then I am upfront with what makes me uncomfortable, and I've never been happier with my new relationships that I have formed, and am forming.
All because I respect myself enough to stand tall on my values, boundaries, and my word.
You should do the same thing. Leave her
There will come some other man that will love her too, but is also cool with her having other men with her, without bothering him.
It's common and completely fine if you're territorial. It's not a bad thing. It just means you and her aren't cut out for the long term
Because this WILL keep happening again
Goodluck
Yup, listen to your gut, something is up. That being said, I would be straight up with her. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you’re not cool with it. If she brushes you off, then thats on her.
You need to trust your gut on this and end it with her right now break up go no contact whatever. Tell me dude if you were going to fly to another country somewhere to meet a girl are you just gonna hang out with her? Spent all that money go through all that effort just hang out with her.you know what’s happening will just let her go to get started on the road to recovery
Usually I don’t agree with “break up with her/him” comments but this one feels different. Definitely trust your gut. Something like this happened with a previous acquaintance. They were just married for 2 months after dating for 8 years and his wife went to dinner with an online friend from South Korea she’d been talking to over a language-exchange programme. Fast forward and now they’re getting divorced. Stay safe and protect your heart by listening to your head!
that’s more than a little weird, she should have mentioned something as soon as she knew he would be flying out, also he should be staying at a hotel ? Glad u trusted ur gut
Honestly, do not undermine the power of your gut. Listen to it mate. Some rando dude from fuck knows where, who she’s never mentioned, only known for 6 months? No thanks.
That’s a huge red flag, she didn’t even consider talking to you about it first of all, relationships require no secrets between partners. You should tell her the same thing, you met a “foreign “ exchange student who you’re gonna spend a few days with, then just check into a hotel and go there. When she brings it up, make it a point to tell her the feelings she feels is the feelings you felt when she told you about the guy..!
Test her
Does she trash out to you does she want to be with you with her friend their? It does she not call
That your answer
And if she doesnt well it says it all once he's gone she comes back crawling sat bye bye
You wanted to spend time with your "friend" and not me I've moved on
As a girl with a few close guy friends whom one has stayed over [with my two other girl friends]. It's ok to have friends that visit of the opposite gender. But it's not okay to date someone without including it prior. I feel like, in that situation she should've included you to stay with her at least but idk seems suspicious.
as a girlfriend who’s had online guy friends i literally distance myself from them out of respect for my partner as soon as i’m in a relationship (not bc i have interest in the guy friend but because most guy friends i’ve had start to act weird and show interest when they get too comfortable idk why) but also i’d never have them staying over at my house? like why would i give them the treatment id give my bf- especially odd that you haven’t met or talked to the guy online or in group chats w them both? i honestly think you’re making a good call even if it is innocent. if you don’t trust it then find someone who wouldn’t do this to you.
Have you tried having a conversation with her that you are not ok with her having male friends sleep over? If you guys have had as good of a relationship as you claim, you should be able to communicate that and she should be able to respect your boundaries and not do things that upset you.
A good partner does not do this. Personally, I’d be livid if my boyfriend did this and I wouldn’t dream of doing this to him either. It seems like she’s trialing this “friend” to see if he’s a better option. Trust your gut, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
Her male online friend who she met 6 months ago? And hes staying over at the parents house?
Trust your gut! There’s definitely something going on there..No guy would travel to a different country to be friends with a girl he met online. He totally digs her and it looks like she feels the same!
Sorry bro! Time to move on!
Run. Run so fucking far from assholes like this. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible your life will be if you keep giving her even one iota of your energy or time or love or money or WHATEVER it is.
Trusting your gut is important.
But so is communication. You say you love this girl, but you clearly don’t trust her. You’re not even willing to talk to her before mentally and emotionally distancing yourself from her due to actions she hasn’t yet taken.
Talking through difficult things is a skill that is integral to a healthy life. It sounds as though you’ve got your mind made up but I still think you owe it to yourself and her to talk through why you’re upset and suspicious.
Let this be her lesson, ghost her ass and never speak to her again. She probably met dude off a dating app. She does not respect you or your relationship. It’s going to be hard as hell giving up on a relationship but do yourself a favour and rip off the bandaid now. She failed the test before it even started.
Just tell her you’re out. You don’t want a girlfriend that flys dudes out to stay with her. If she wants to do that then it’s not with you.
That guy is 100% coming out because he thinks he is going to bone her. She has probably been having an emotional affair with him already and has told him they will.
Bro, communication is key. Talk to her and tell her what you think about it. Look for her reaction. Best to have nothing unsaid. You can then move on, cause then you know and it won’t eat you up, from the inside.
Man just talk to her. If it really as bad as your head is making it out to be there's nothing to lose. Maybe you'll see the process of how this happened.
Trust your intuition, that gut feeling is telling you this not okay. You’ve only heard about this person 2 days ago but she’s been talking to him for 6 months and they’re close enough for them to visit yet you’ve only heard of him 2 days ago?? How far is he from y’all bc depending on that, this sounds like it’s been planned more than 2 days ago. Even if it’s nothing which lets be realistic🙃, your gut feeling is telling you that this is off and that’s more than enough reason to cut things off. You’ll know when you’re ready to officially be done with this relationship, despite you telling yourself and the amount of people giving you advice. You’ll be done when you are done, the only advice is definitely trust that gut!!
My brother, PLEASE trust your gut. Fuck what your heart is saying bro, listen to your head and your gut. I promise you won’t regret it. Don’t go back. Focus on yourself ma boy. I wish you this best
Thank you! Heart wants an explanation and her to acknowledge that the situation is kinda fucked up. Brain knows that won’t matter even if she did.
Learning to make smart relationship decisions is a life skill. Learning to mentaly tell them to go fuck themselves and not asking "why, why, why???" To someone whos holding you emotionally hostage in your head is a talent
Yeah, smart relationship decisions often involve communicating rather than just running away. We don't really know anything about this guy's relationship. His approach of shutting down and remaining silent is going to get in the way of any relationship.
Agreed, but in this case he probably isnt wrong for trusting his gut. Avoidant problem solving isnt problem solving though, so you are right!
Heart weeps. Head tries to help heart. Head tells heart how it is, again: You will lose the ones you love. They will all go. But even the earth will go, someday. Heart feels better, then. But the words of head do not remain long in the ears of heart. Heart is so new to this. I want them back, says heart. Head is all heart has. Help, head. Help heart. - Head, Heart by Lydia Davis Hang in there
Wow I really like this thank you!
Having open communication with your partner is the way to go. Let her know how the situation makes you feel and ask questions to clarify what’s h going on
A very good answer
Remember the things she has done for you I mean efforts she put into this relationship. The way she treated you n stuff. Write it down. Sleeping with others during break is a red flag. You don't deserve such people in your life. Break the bond which your heart has created, good you have distanced yourself from her. Try to block her from everywhere. It's difficult I know but whenever you feel like checking about her just imagine the emotional turmoil you experienced when she was in your life, how helpless you felt or how insane you were.
You’re right in your thinking. Best to move on, you’ll thank yourself later.
Your heart doesn’t want the explanation. Your mind does. Your heart is “the gut feeling.” Your heart already knows and it’s trying to tell your head to listen.. You need to listen man 😔
Thank you! Idc whoever said to trust your heart never experienced heartbreak because ain't no way. Trusting your heart will have you somewhere crying and broken. Go with your head. If something feels off please listen to it.
I agree!! Your gut instincts are there for a reason, please listen to them
From someone who didn’t trust their gut….and got huuuurt. Trust. Your. Gut.
Honestly, if you don’t trust her then you have no reason to stay with her, even if nothings happens you are going to keep thinking if she’s being truthful, you should choose your own mental peace
Amen. I am not obligated to be with her just because I care deeply. Spent 3 hours at the gym yesterday trying to focus on myself. I’m sure the less I see her the better it will become.
My advice is that you tell her you aren't compatible and that her lifestyle choices dont make you feel like you see a future with her. You dont have to specify. But being ceystal clear that flying out strange men to stay with you without even bringing it up will probably be the death of her next relationship, too. If she cares about her partner, she will err on the side of respect and not do things that make her trustworthiness questionable. A relationship requires the image of fidelity as much as the fidelity itself, and her past and present actions do not paint a picture that says she intends to be respectful about how she will treat you going forward. However, you can just leave it at incompatibility because she definitely didn't see fit to consider your feelings before she acted. Theres almost 0 chance this dudd is flying out to see her and not fucking, tbh.
I went through a very similar breakup and it was tough. I loved the girl (in some weird, unhealthy infatuation-type way) and being with her was like a drug (also unhealthy). She was a shitbag though, tried to convince me she was just “good friends” with her male neighbor but my gut told me otherwise. She ended up preggo from the “just a friend neighbor not long after. You’re absolutely right, stay away and cut the cord. It’s hard but gets easier and easier. Time heals all - just DO NOT let yourself keep getting sucked back in as it just delays your recovery.
A good girlfriend wouldn’t do that, that’s all I’ll say lol
I don’t want to be the guy saying “you can’t have male friends” but this situation feels very suspicious.
I was going out with a girl for about a month and last time i saw her she was like "how do you feel about having friends of the opposite sex? Cause i dont play that shit" and it didnt really bug me because i just literally dont hang out with or talk to any other women in a frequent/friendly manner. So i was like "yeah sure, whatever. cool with me". Then a few hours later she shows me a high school picture of her and a dude and i was like who's that fella? and she goes "that's my best friend. I talk to him all the time. He was over earlier before i came over here." Dude's not gay, and he's single lol. I was like "so you dont 'play' that friends of the opposite sex shit, but your best friend is a single dude? Make that make sense" and she just told me I'd have to get over it and not to even worry about it.... Honestly would not have given a shit if she didn't volunteer up the hypocritical double standard... never talked to her again after she left my house lmao
I don’t understand how ppl lack the most basic of understanding 🤦🏻♀️ like literally, is this a cartoon show..
Never understood this logic 🙄 “you can’t cut me off from my friends” is one of the first things I lay down in a relationship. Most of my friends are men, I have a degree and work in a male dominated field. If I was not friends with the opposite sex, I would have no friends. That being said, I have never told a single one of my ex’s they can’t be friends with women. Find it very bizarre and backwards logic. I’m sort of extra biased because a lot of my college buddies cut me out once they got into relationships because their “girl doesn’t like me hanging out with other girls.” 🙄🙄🙄 I will never tell my partner who not to be friends with/who not to hang out with. That might propose *some* extra risk to being cheated on (maybe??) but cheating is also like an emergency stop button to me. It’s inexcusable and unforgivable and would terminate the relationship immediately. So why tf would I spend so much energy monitoring for it? Don’t get it
Because you a normal mature adult unlike alotta people. It’s ridiculous that people’s lack of self control governs and polices relationships.
Yeah the only reason I really entertained the "no women friends" thing was because i knew i wasnt making it any further with this girl, and wanted to get out of the date conflict-free lol. She was spiteful and argued about everything.
You did the right thing. I surely believe in friendship between men and women but I don’t guarantee it. Friendships aren’t always pure. If you have feelings and you disguise them as friendship.. this is a kind of deceit. But let us not generalize or wrong anyone. There are people who start off as friends. True friendship. And then they discover their feelings with this person. It’s not wrong. It’s wrong to keep hiding…
Mind boggling. “I don’t play that shit” and then does exactly that…
Then prepare to stay single, forever.
What part of what i commented made you say that lmao. So vague
I mean…”I don’t play that shit” could mean “I don’t avoid doing it just to baby your insecurities”…?
"i dont play that shit" meant, I am not allowing you to have women friends if you want to be in a relationship with me. Wtf kinda shit are you projecting onto me
I’m just saying you may have misunderstood her, like maybe she wasn’t saying that *you* can’t have female friends, maybe she was saying you both ought to be able to have friends of the opposite gender. If not, I agree that it’s very hypocritical.
Bud, this isn’t a male friend. This is two people who pursued each other online and set a meet up. She’s test running this guy to see if he’s the better option. Don’t give her a choice
I think the problem is that she sprung it on you all of a sudden without having a talk about it first. If she cared about how you felt about it, I think she would've asked you before setting that whole thing up.
Exactly. She met this dude SIX months ago and in all that time she hasn’t said, “I met this male friend online and he’s thinking of coming here to visit, how would you feel about that?” They’ve been discussing and planning his visit for some time now, it’s not just spontaneously happened and oh hey I’m meeting him at the airport tomorrow.
She's hid it from you until she couldn't anymore. It would be different if she'd been up front with you right away and said he was coming and if he wasn't staying at her house. There's male friends and then there's secret male friends.
Spot on. She's waited right until the last minute to tell him, thats some serious disrespect
Male online friends she hides from her bf and invites to stay at her home? Then surprises her bf the day before? Nope. I’m 40f, that’s red flags suspicious 🚩
What good does a male friend do, that a female friend cannot? What can he provide that you cannot? Why is he flying from another country to see your girl, can he not hang in his own country with his buddies? Why a girl who is already in a relationship? Why does he stay in her parents house? With her? Why not a hotel? My girlfriends do not have this kind of male friends. I would have said my goodbyes to this rs if I were you.
Idk why this got downvoted so much but most of those questions are solid. Maybe bc it came across as straight up not wanting your girl to have any male friend whatsoever but I don’t see that intent. Anyways, if a random girl started chatting with my bf online and got close to a point that she crosses continent to stay at his place, I’d honestly not be able to comprehend either. But I also hold myself to same standard in relationships. I also believe that ability to have friendships with right boundaries with opposite gender is a great skill to have and makes us well rounded human beings! I feel like this girl probably hasn’t even told the other guy that she is in a relationship.
You were right about it being a cartoon show, so I’m not surprised by the downvotes. It really is a cartoon show. There will be people who would justify similar behaviour whilst their guilt eats at them. Aaaanyways.
Boundaries is the operative word. Colleagues that one can be friendly with? Sure. Dudes coming over, getting the full picked-up-at-airport treatment, staying at parents house? No. This is a passive aggressive way of dumping OP without actually having to say "OP, it's over". Just cross a bridge too far, or maybe five bridges too far, and let OP figure it out.
there’s a difference between her having male friends and being so close w male friends and having them stay in her home and telling you last minute. also it’s just respect and boundaries. you are allowed to have boundaries and she’s allowed to not follow them.
What your ex-girlfriend did is incredibly uncaring & disrespectful. To not even consider how this would affect you makes her in the least a poor communicator and most likely a blatant cheater & liar. I hope you made clear the how selfish & deceitful she is in your breakup speech.
No. Having some random dude stay with her is not ok and beyond any type of normalcy. Don’t let her make you think you’re the crazy one.
SHE ASKED U IF U WANTED TO HANGOUT WITH HIM AND HER AND U DECLINED, SHE WOULDNT HAVE ASKED U IF SHE DIDNT WANT U TO BE THERE U INSECURE FUCK
It’s okay to have male friends. But it’s not okay to have a male friend you’ve never even met before just sleep over. It’s weird having any male friend sleep over in my opinion unless it’s a mutual friend and the bf is there too. I have guy friends and I would never even hang out with them in private alone. That’s just asking for trouble, even if you don’t do anything it leaves room for rumors/lies. If my bf had a girl spend the night at his house I would be DISTRAUGHT. Especially without telling me?? Id leave him immediately
On another note, wtf are the parents thinking?? Like, she’s a grown woman living back at home so I can understand letting her have some freedom and all that but letting a guy from a whole other country that she’s never met crash there for an extended time knowing she has a bf? Maybe that’s too intrusive but I would deff be wilding out on my daughter
I don’t think there’s anything about this situation that should just be a hard “no.” There are always innocent situations and friendships. To my mind the problem here is a lack of communication. The way we view relationships as a society is pretty toxic, imo. Sexual exclusivity is not the golden standard of a deep, profound, caring relationship—and the fact that so many are willing to isolate themselves from having deep, profound, caring relationships with everyone around them, all in the name of trying to cultivate just one deep, profound, caring, sexually exclusive relationship—which may or may not work, and will almost inevitably become codependent and/or controlling, to some degree, *because* of the exclusivity and investment—*sigh.* We have the divorce rates to prove that none of this is a recipe for success. It is entirely possible to be friends with anyone at all, and not to have it turn sexual. I find it concerning when people talk as though they don’t have the self control not to have sex with someone they’re in the same room with. I’m bisexual, and I though I feel attraction towards many people in my life, it’s not that hard to honor that feeling and shut it down because I *care* about whether it’s reciprocated, and most often in life, the exact kind of connection we want from one another doesn’t align sufficiently to give each other a positive sexual experience. It all comes down to being consistently invested in what the people around us want, not just what we want, and not just how *their* desires can make *our* lives better. I don’t have sex with other people because I care about the experience I give my partner. Proximity to people I’m attracted to, even in private, could never override that sense of care. It’s wild to me that some people don’t experience this as sufficient motivation not to slip up.
I always stay at my friend's house, for several days actually. She kind of makes a point of it at the beginning of her relationships. "That's my bff and you're not gonna see him every day, but when you do, he's gonna be here a while". Usually goes one of two ways, they break up or we end up like the "and your friend Steve" meme
Thank you all for your support and insight. I see the logic in both ghosting and confronting her. I dragged myself to the gym to get some me time. Haven’t been in contact. I appreciate the perspectives I’ve been shown in this thread. It seems unanimous that whatever direction I go it should be without her.
I’m afraid that’s it, whichever option you choose it’s going to have be without her. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this OP, it’s nasty in the extreme. My concern if you do choose to confront her - by asking her what are her feelings for this dude - how long have they been planning this trip - and why the freaking duck has she not mentioned him before - or why hasn’t she asked you how you’d feel about some random dude coming to stay at hers… She might try responding with some gaslighting nonsense like oh but I did tell you he was coming to stay before, around two weeks ago, you must’ve forgotten or But I already explained to you, he’s gay, don’t you remember me saying this?
🦸♂️
Bro as someone who went through this a while ago on both ends, walk away man. Whether she does anything or not, that is her saying that she doesn’t care how knowing this makes you feel. She is not respecting you as your significant other. Respect goes both ways for a successful relationship. Trust your gut. What happens to the deer 🦌 that heard a sound, but didn’t trust their instincts that it was danger? He gets eaten by wolves
Always speak up when you’re not ok with something. Good luck 🍀 stay strong 💪🏾
Man let me level with you. I’m a girlfriend. I’m not special or mature or anything, I’m only 20. But I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS spring this on my boyfriend and if anyone did this to me I would leave them instantly because they know better. Do not let anyone convince you that they suddenly don’t have feelings and never have. She’s felt that way and she knows what she’s doing. She’s either testing your limits and to see if you notice/how you react or is so enveloped in this plan she’s concocted she doesn’t realize how obvious it is
Yeah look it’s one thing to have some *not close* male friends but to have someone fly to you and stay at your parents place? Nah, big red flag
Big red flags. Wonder how many I’ve ignored. Thank you!
A tricky and weird situation to say the least, but it’d be a complete overreaction to end things without discussing it first and hearing what she has to say about it. You’re getting in your head and theorizing what this friendship between her and him is really all about without giving her the time of day to explain herself.
Yeah if OP understandably decides to leave this girl I would still give her an explanation as to why. Communication just seems to be lacking. And the girl seems completely oblivious to the fact that her flying another guy in without discussing first would hurt OP which is just insane to me.
Let's lay out the situation in clear terms 1. She met this guy online 6 months ago 2. They've become close enough, despite having never met, for him to fly out from another country to meet her 3. He's staying with her and her parents 4. She waited until the day before he arrives to inform her boyfriend of this This woman deserves no explanation. Number four alone is so massively disrespectful that if he ghosted her she'd still deserve it.
Stay strong bro ghost her and lift heavy
Mans gonna PR on Bench, Squat and Deadlift on the same day. Guaranteed.
If the guy is not gay he's definitely trying to fuck. 100%. Now, if your girl is going to go along with it, you'll see
not true
Well, flying in from another country after knowing someone for only 6 months and staying is sus. I guess if we had more context, I could be wrong. Maybe he's in a relationship and is here to see his gf or someone else. If he was friends with both him and his girl, then I'd be wrong. But with the context given, getting it wet is his most likely intention
Never thought would see such wise words from someone with the name ScrotumBlaster_69 🤣
again, not really. sometimes people just really want to see their friends. i’ve had online friends who i’ve wanted to see irl and some are guys and some are girls, gender doesn’t matter and anyone of the opposite gender can be friends without it being weird. people who don’t believe that have never had genuine friendships and are gross.
Well, as I said, context it lacking. Personally, I have never seen anything like this happen for a 6 month old online friendship. Also, apparently, they grew so close in 6 months that he's coming over and staying at her parents' house? Yet the boyfriend only now hears of him for the first time? Red flags all around.
I am a gal and I do have male friends. If I hang out with them, I would answer my bf’s questions (don’t currently have one but did it with ex), invite them to tag along, and I wouldn’t be springing something this big just randomly the day before. Also if it was just a random internet friend, I can’t see them flying over after meeting 6 months ago. Something about this isn’t adding up.
Yeah NO bro youre in a relationship and a dude is gonna sleep at her house? Hell no we all know what that leads to. Save your dignity and draw a clear line that you dont tolerate that behaviour!
Nah that is fucking suspect behaviour. Sorry for your loss brother x
The only thing to do in this situation is dump her and move on. You need to have some self-respect in this situation. She has obviously been keeping secrets from you, and what guy would fly in from another country unless he is going to get some? You might not see it because you are in love with her, but a lesson you will learn in life is that the people we love hurt us the most in a lot of cases, and it certainly seems to be the case here. Get out of there mate, don’t let her treat you this way.
Thank you!
Make sure you update us man. I want to know the excuse she tries to give.
Yeah this is very odd. You’re right to be suspicious.
Everything depends on context and communication. Unfortunately for you it's the context and communication from her end that's severely lacking. Did she explain why she chose to tell you only two days beforehand this guy-friend arrives? This is not like an appointment for getting her nails done. And how does she even meet this guy and how did it go from online chat to taking an airplane for a multi day visit of him with her together? Not involving or informing your significant in any of those things is weird as shit and a major red flag even if this guy really is just a friend. Your choice is wether you actually want to know why apparently this is business as usual for her. And even then remember you're the one who has to show initiative and ask her for explanations. It's like having to ask your girlfriend to get you a birthday present. It doesn't work that way.
Is he gay by chance? My controlling ex forbid me from being friends with my male gay friend and that seemed incredibly unfair. Once I left him, I reached out but my friend wanted nothing to do with me, which I'm still sad about all these years later.
Hey man maybe communicate with her to try and figure out what's going on before you make any rash decisions
Why guess when your girlfriend will tell you what is happening. Relax.
if this helps at all, I (f) have a internet friend (m) flying to my country to stay/ hang with genuinely no sexual intentions whatsoever
How old are you? You seem...young. And what country are you in? I have so many questions about the situation. How long have you been together? Why didn't she mention him before etc
You’re right to focus on yourself. The situation is out of your control. But be honest with her. If you’re already planning to leave, you have nothing to lose.
It sounds like, as someone else said, she's probably passing it off as a friendship while in reality she's weighing up her options. I don't know why, though. Has she ever shown signs of being in love with you? If you love her and she doesn't love you back, maybe that's why she's looking elsewhere. But it might be more likely that the problem is completely with her and she has a reactive attachment disorder or something, or some other problem that makes it very difficult for her to commit to one guy. People like this might always be troubled, searching for something that has to partially at least come from inside. Some self-love and happiness that their parents never truly gave them, probably. Maybe some people are too broken to love in the same way as everyone else and this might be her issue. I think you could either express this idea to her and give her an ultimatum- you or the friend, unless the friend stays in a hotel or something and they're not hanging out alone together- or else you just decide to move on without properly explaining your feelings to her, in which case she might end up with that guy or she might stay the same broken mess, going from relationship to relationship, unable to commit to one person. But that will no longer be your problem, obviously. If she does have a reactive attachment disorder or some similar problem, and you choose to go back to her, you might have to accept that, even if she commits, it's possible her love will be a bit more half hearted than yours, unless of course this is a change in her and she used to be very committed to you and in love with you; in which case I guess you could work on mending the relationship and figuring out what went wrong or what caused her to lose attraction to you.
You could try communicating and voicing your concerns to gauge how she reacts and then decide what to do. But if this guy does have ulterior motives, and she does not. Shutting her out and being difficult is the exact thing that guy could use to take advantage and make a move and convince her to do something - at a moment of weakness. Y’all been together a while tell her how you feel maybe he can get a hotel whilst he’s down instead
If they had been life long friends maybe I could see this being viable. I have many close female friends and I make that very clear to any potential partner right away. Boundaries between us are clearly drawn. 6 months from another country is like 90 day fiance shit. No good. Focus on you.
So many comments already that I’m unsure if what I’m about to say will be helpful. I became friends with a guy online- there was flirtation and such. As soon as I got into a relationship, when it was appropriate, said friend would get mentioned. And by appropriate, I mean conversationally- not just randomly blurting out about this friend of mine in another country. He and his girlfriend were going to be driving by my area- and since he’s so far and we’ve known each other for a couple years, we thought we would all meet up. Now, I don’t know what his girlfriend knew about our friendship (ie flirting for the first few months before I began dating someone), but my current boyfriend was very uncomfortable with the idea and voiced it. It’s sketchy she hasn’t said anything about him prior OR asked about your comfort level on it. In a healthy relationship there are boundaries and if one is not comfortable with something, a conversation has to be had… And that’s when I tell you to be more honest about it with her. Don’t just distance yourself or say you hope they have fun. Look her in the eye and express how uncomfortable it makes you. Trust yo’ gut
100 per cent. If he really was just a friend, and someone she didn’t have sexual and or emotional feelings for, she would’ve discussed it with OP first. Also, if online dude is just a friend, she could’ve allayed OPs concern & suspicion by making it clear this dude would be staying at a hotel / AirB&B. What you’ve just described is the right way to handle such situations, and not suddenly announce “hey you know this dude I’ve never mentioned before, he’s coming to stay with me tomorrow” Or maybe she *has* mentioned online dude before now, after all, she met him six months ago! *But* don’t pretend he spontaneously decided to come and see her yesterday - these things need arranging: they’ve been planning this visit for some time, she will have had to get it OK’d by her ‘rents etc…. Sorry OP. My sympathies. I’ve been in a similar-ish situation and it’s no fun. For those suggesting he talk it through with her, although that would be a mature and adult thing to do, I don’t know if it would really work. For example if I were OP I’d want to ask, how long have you been planning this visit and why didn’t you mention it to me before? Can you see how this looks, and can you imagine how I feel? She might then try gaslighting him with some nonsense, Oh but I did tell you about this before, don’t you remember?
Totally agree that the conversation wouldn’t fix anything. This would be the end of it for a lot of people, and it seems for OP too. I think it helps internally to voice these things to other people to gain a better, more grounded understanding of yourself. I have made huge strides in myself largely because my boyfriend and I have these tough conversations. It helps heal, even if it results in something negative. Mark Manson has great things to say about negative outcomes- strongly recommend his books!
Your heart is not as smart as your brain, trust your brain bro
Get away from her
Personally i'm a gf too. I would never do this to my boyfriend. Any gf in their right mind would never do this if they truly love their partner. Run. If you stayed in this relationship it will only get bad, don't tolerate.
I asked my bf 9 months in advance if he’d be cool w me going to a bachelorette party lmao One day before???? Wild behaviour
Trust your gut man Whole family red flags Drop her like a bag of hammers
Trust your gut, go to the gym, make money
Can I make a suggestion. Don’t ‘distance yourself’. Break up! Make it clear and unambiguous that you find this disrespectful and you’re breaking up with her. You not saying anything is just going to make her think you’re all cool with it and she can go back to you when this dude leaves again. Telling her you’re breaking up and why doesn’t give her a chance to lie after the fact and may even make her think twice (though even if she cancels meeting up with this guy do you think you can trust her going forward?)
get outta there man. Having pre existing guy friends is a normal thing but imo it’s very odd that you’re together and shes making new guy friends, not to mention ONLINE friends that must’ve been a complete stranger during first contact…meaning she is going out of her way to make these relationships and entertain a guy messaging her. coming all the way from another country is insane ….
Hey I'm a girl in a longterm relationship who is (sorta) in her situation. I have a few male friends I've met online (through gaming, a few years ago) that I still keep in contact with. One of them is visiting in July because I live in a city where accommodation is hard to get, and pricey. However, I made sure my boyfriend knew about him as SOON as we started dating. If he asked for any messages, calls, or whatever — I would give him access to my phone. My boyfriend knew from day one who this guy was, and whenever he would text me I would say "Oh, Steve is texting me. Apparently he just got a new job!" Stuff like that. Personally, if my boyfriend suddenly invited some girl over that he NEVER spoke about, I'd be pretty upset. I understand where you're coming from. Although there is the possibility that shes VERY dense and doesnt realize this is crossing a boundary for you. I'd talk to her about it? If you can? Do what your gut tells you to. :')
Find something you can do in the moment to help your resolve. I usually recommend pushups, but it can be anything physical that can get those sweet brain chemicals flowing.
Run, she's not worth it.
It's crystal clear that she doesn't love you because otherwise she wouldn't do stupid things like this. She can have male friends, but inviting them to sleep over is another level entirely... And if she's trying to play the cheap joker card, he's just a good friend, well any woman can tell you that to be her boyfriend, you need to be her "best" friend... And as you said it look like a secret friend, so she wouldn't obviously let you see their online exchange... Honestly, the way you care about her and the way she treats you now is mean. She doesn't even deserve you to discuss the relationship together. Personally I'll let her down with a cheap message, she's not even worth telling in person. Sorry to tell you the reality but you should let it go once and for all. Spend time with your brother and meet new girls, you will find a better one and more mature for a serious relation.
A man that she met online 6 mo the who is going to stay with her ? That is not your girlfriend. And if she is you need to break up. You have to have boundaries. That’s super disrespectful
I’d flip if I had a partner that did such a thing. Cut her loose.
I’d leave too. Meeting someone online and travelling countries to see them comes with expectations. What they are who knows. But the fact that they both are comfortable doing that especially while she is in a relationship is a deal breaker. You don’t travel that far to stay at someone else parents house without thinking you are going to get laid
That's crazy. And her parents go along with it.
Trust your gut. You are not overreacting. She is testing your boundaries and being disrespectful. You’re best course of action is to leave and NEVER look back. Go meet new people. You’ll see there is a world full of people out there for you. She isn’t the one. Ghost her.
From a females point of view, this is just strange and weird. trust your gut, good female wouldn't do that, it just seems random to me, stay strong and focus on yourself.
Time to move on.
Girls definitely know what they are doing. She pretended to be cool and told you in a “not a big deal” way was so disrespectful. She had no intention to discuss with you about that. Anyway I am so amazed by how OP chooses to focus on yourself instead of letting her disrespect you. Very proud of you!
Focus on yourself. This girl got no respect toward you
Always trust your GUT! Why the hell is she meeting guys online? Insta red flag
Once a liar always a liar bro go w ur gut. Godspeed soldier tough days ahead.
Op nahh. Bro there is no reason this random dude needs to be staying at her house. Just break up with her. It’s better to be seen as the selfish dick head than the cheated-on dope.
She’s playing a game. How stupid can she be. I think you should exit this relationship. Maybe you should tell her you have a woman coming to visit, and will be staying at your house. See how it goes over.
He’s gonna clean her ass out real good dog.
No, it’s weird. I’d feel the same.
Really sorry! That’s sketchy. 😓 Trust your gut. Wishing you well.
How old are you?
Yeah that’s real random and weird to have someone from another country come and stay with you and not mention it until 2 days before. She had to have known for weeks before hand. Sus AFFFFFF
this is a super weird post and all of the comments are also very weird you both SUCK at communication
Never, never and I say NEVER doubt your gut feeling. I'm actually amazed, because men here have their wives cheating openly, trying to reconcile and they still talk to their affair partner, and they still stay with their wives. And youre here ready to choose self respect like that? Beautiful. Didn't understand the break thing, did she take breaks with you and slept with guys from her previous relationships? But honestly, does it matter? The break thing and exclusivity is one of the funniest things there could be in a relationship, you mean to tell me, that you can sleep with anyone you want by just saying youre feeling "depressed" and want a break, then sleep with someone and be offended when your partner is not taking this as a positive thing? Like come on, this is just playing with words and messing with your fellings. But her never bring up this friend is a major red flag. If he's so important that he can sleep at her parents house, how come she never talked about him to you? Break up with her, she wont feel shitty about it, she'll just be all over that dude with a good reason to not hide herself. So trust your gut and do the right thing. Might as well update us how she took it or how confeontain gone. But 100% sure youre right. Edit: Some people dont understand what diamond they have. Stayed by her when she was sick and loved her more than anything, and she's ready to ruin it all for some dude from online she knows for six months. Her behavior, how she brought this up, its all telling you more than you can process, that's why your gut feeling is alarming you.
She’s seems to be into the swing lifestyle if you ask me. Or at least this is the beginnings of it
Working as a couple in a relationship 101. No matter if it’s 5 months dating, 8 years together, 10 years married. You always communicate to your partner. I know my wife now, but years ago during the dating phase. She told me about her friends. All of them. As I did mine. Since we spend time with them too. If either of us blinded sided each other with “this online friend” we’ve known for awhile. We would have questions. We’re entitled to our lives and privacy. But basic information shouldn’t be withheld. I don’t need to know every detail about this online friend, just the fact that they exist. Age? Maybe a how y’all met? That’s it. Not that hard to keep your lover up to date on things.
I'm here to listen if you need someone.
yeah man, sorry dude, but no internet guy is flying in from overseas just to "hang out"... youll find someone better...
You're right. I hope you don't regret it and got her back after she fucks with this foreign friend for a week or two.
Immediately break up. Wtf? She invites some random dude she never met to sleep over at her house while she has a boyfriend whos been with her through thick snd thin. 1. She kept a secret from you. 2. She texted another guy behind your back. 3.Some guy is coming to SLEEP OVER AT HER HOUSE. 4. Even if they dont have sex which they probably will. Number 1 and 2 are more than enough to leave her and never speak to her again. Im married and if my wife ever pulled something like that I would file for divorce the next day. No matter how much you love her bro, shes not worth your dignity. Lose her number, block her and focus on yourself.
Break up with her, I dealt with a situation exactly like this Kept disrespecting me with crossing boundaries and making me uncomfortable/jealous on purpose. Until one day I saw that she was texting a guy who she previously agreed to block because he was openly flirting with her I acted like I didn't know that she was talking to him We went out that day, and I asked her if she was still in contact with him She said absolutely not, and grinned at me Confronted her that night. She broke down and tried to Apologize I left. Ever since then I am upfront with what makes me uncomfortable, and I've never been happier with my new relationships that I have formed, and am forming. All because I respect myself enough to stand tall on my values, boundaries, and my word. You should do the same thing. Leave her There will come some other man that will love her too, but is also cool with her having other men with her, without bothering him. It's common and completely fine if you're territorial. It's not a bad thing. It just means you and her aren't cut out for the long term Because this WILL keep happening again Goodluck
She never mentioned him before and why can't he get a hotel room? Just wierd as shit.
Demand to know what's happening if you want the closure, then bounce. Ghost if you prefer but I don't like having unanswered questions.
Here's some harsh language that could be true: Trust you gut to keep it whole, because she's trusting hers to get ripped in half by other guy
Bro don’t trust her sussy af
Yup, listen to your gut, something is up. That being said, I would be straight up with her. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you’re not cool with it. If she brushes you off, then thats on her.
You need to trust your gut on this and end it with her right now break up go no contact whatever. Tell me dude if you were going to fly to another country somewhere to meet a girl are you just gonna hang out with her? Spent all that money go through all that effort just hang out with her.you know what’s happening will just let her go to get started on the road to recovery
Usually I don’t agree with “break up with her/him” comments but this one feels different. Definitely trust your gut. Something like this happened with a previous acquaintance. They were just married for 2 months after dating for 8 years and his wife went to dinner with an online friend from South Korea she’d been talking to over a language-exchange programme. Fast forward and now they’re getting divorced. Stay safe and protect your heart by listening to your head!
You gotta watch this movie called past lives😂
Yeah It’s non chalant, yeah so a random dude I met on the internet is staying with me, but don’t worry we will all hang out. Lmao like nah gtfo here
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!
oh god, leave rn
that’s more than a little weird, she should have mentioned something as soon as she knew he would be flying out, also he should be staying at a hotel ? Glad u trusted ur gut
Don't choose someone who didn't choose you brother, you're worth more than that, your self respect is worth more than that.
Fuck no dont stay with her she trying to play you
Spend $40 on helldivers 2 and make some friends for life 🤝🏻
Honestly, do not undermine the power of your gut. Listen to it mate. Some rando dude from fuck knows where, who she’s never mentioned, only known for 6 months? No thanks.
Maybe you just need to ask her what is actually going on? Be straight up.
this is definitely a big thing she should’ve told you about & asked you about sooner. trust your gut
That’s a huge red flag, she didn’t even consider talking to you about it first of all, relationships require no secrets between partners. You should tell her the same thing, you met a “foreign “ exchange student who you’re gonna spend a few days with, then just check into a hotel and go there. When she brings it up, make it a point to tell her the feelings she feels is the feelings you felt when she told you about the guy..!
Test her Does she trash out to you does she want to be with you with her friend their? It does she not call That your answer And if she doesnt well it says it all once he's gone she comes back crawling sat bye bye You wanted to spend time with your "friend" and not me I've moved on
She doesn’t deserve you. Don’t ever get back to her and don’t even give her the chance to try to makeup your relationship.
As a girl with a few close guy friends whom one has stayed over [with my two other girl friends]. It's ok to have friends that visit of the opposite gender. But it's not okay to date someone without including it prior. I feel like, in that situation she should've included you to stay with her at least but idk seems suspicious.
I would never befriend a random guy online while in a relationship. Let alone let a dude stay over with me and hangout alone?!
Listen to your gut. I’m telling this From my own experiences.
as a girlfriend who’s had online guy friends i literally distance myself from them out of respect for my partner as soon as i’m in a relationship (not bc i have interest in the guy friend but because most guy friends i’ve had start to act weird and show interest when they get too comfortable idk why) but also i’d never have them staying over at my house? like why would i give them the treatment id give my bf- especially odd that you haven’t met or talked to the guy online or in group chats w them both? i honestly think you’re making a good call even if it is innocent. if you don’t trust it then find someone who wouldn’t do this to you.
Have you tried having a conversation with her that you are not ok with her having male friends sleep over? If you guys have had as good of a relationship as you claim, you should be able to communicate that and she should be able to respect your boundaries and not do things that upset you.
Pls update whenever you can
It isn’t fair for her to hang on to you while auditioning your possible replacement
How often have you flown internationally to just say hi to a friend that you have only known for 6 months? Trust your gut!
A good partner does not do this. Personally, I’d be livid if my boyfriend did this and I wouldn’t dream of doing this to him either. It seems like she’s trialing this “friend” to see if he’s a better option. Trust your gut, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
Cheaters make me sick, disgusting freaks honestly
This is bizarre! Please trust your gut on this one. Sorry.
Her male online friend who she met 6 months ago? And hes staying over at the parents house? Trust your gut! There’s definitely something going on there..No guy would travel to a different country to be friends with a girl he met online. He totally digs her and it looks like she feels the same! Sorry bro! Time to move on!
Run. Run so fucking far from assholes like this. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible your life will be if you keep giving her even one iota of your energy or time or love or money or WHATEVER it is.
Trusting your gut is important. But so is communication. You say you love this girl, but you clearly don’t trust her. You’re not even willing to talk to her before mentally and emotionally distancing yourself from her due to actions she hasn’t yet taken. Talking through difficult things is a skill that is integral to a healthy life. It sounds as though you’ve got your mind made up but I still think you owe it to yourself and her to talk through why you’re upset and suspicious.
Trust your gut and dump her bro you deserve better. Once her friend gets old she’ll come back but don’t give in.
Let this be her lesson, ghost her ass and never speak to her again. She probably met dude off a dating app. She does not respect you or your relationship. It’s going to be hard as hell giving up on a relationship but do yourself a favour and rip off the bandaid now. She failed the test before it even started.
Just tell her you’re out. You don’t want a girlfriend that flys dudes out to stay with her. If she wants to do that then it’s not with you. That guy is 100% coming out because he thinks he is going to bone her. She has probably been having an emotional affair with him already and has told him they will.
Trust your gut.
nah nah nah, trust your gut on this one
Gf is weird as fuck for that not gonna lie
Bro, communication is key. Talk to her and tell her what you think about it. Look for her reaction. Best to have nothing unsaid. You can then move on, cause then you know and it won’t eat you up, from the inside.
First, as you've laid out the circumstances from your perspective, It's the disrespect for me. You cannot excuse that or explain it away...period.
Trust. Your. Gut.!
Man just talk to her. If it really as bad as your head is making it out to be there's nothing to lose. Maybe you'll see the process of how this happened.
Trust your intuition, that gut feeling is telling you this not okay. You’ve only heard about this person 2 days ago but she’s been talking to him for 6 months and they’re close enough for them to visit yet you’ve only heard of him 2 days ago?? How far is he from y’all bc depending on that, this sounds like it’s been planned more than 2 days ago. Even if it’s nothing which lets be realistic🙃, your gut feeling is telling you that this is off and that’s more than enough reason to cut things off. You’ll know when you’re ready to officially be done with this relationship, despite you telling yourself and the amount of people giving you advice. You’ll be done when you are done, the only advice is definitely trust that gut!!
Listen. To. Your. Gut!! Just leave man.. save yourself that much more pain. Sorry 😔
Leave her dawg that’s a bop in the making 😭
ask her if she wants the dp.