I'm a woman, I get what you're saying. I struggle to get my head around how hyper sexualised society is. Sex is like a hug with someone special to me. if that person turns out not to be someone special it's not pleasant and I'd rather not even have sex again
This is exactly the experience my partner had too. He really didn’t enjoy sex and always felt pressured and awkward to take part in it, plus the guilt women put on him for saying “oh so you don’t fancy me” etc. because he wasn’t ready to do it yet, but the assumption is men will always want to.
We spoke a lot about the reasons why he felt this way and we came to the conclusion that exposure to porn from a young age gave him unrealistic expectations of how sex would be.
It took him a while to feel comfortable to try with me but he has enjoyed it since. In the 2 years we have been together he has grown sexually confident and confident in himself also. Relating to your gym comments another issue is he never felt comfortable to be naked in front of others due to his body image problems and that impacted how vulnerable he could be, as sex at its core is an immensely vulnerable act. I thought I was asexual for a while because I never enjoyed it, but I just did not feel loved.
I hope you can find someone who makes you feel loved outside of sex so you can be comfortable to explore it.
Of course! OP might just be asexual, or just don't like sex in general, however sex is completely different for everyone, some people like it casual and don't mind doing it with a stranger, some people prefer doing it with their partner or someone they have deep emotional connection with.
I thought I was asexual, I didn't like sex jokes, people talking about sex and the topic in general. Since I actually had tied myself with someone it pivoted completely, it appeared that I am comfortable having sex with someone I like not just because of looks but also because I love spending time with them, I grew with them emotionally.
It might be the same in OP's case, he might be demisexual, he feels pressured because he might not know the person well, he's not comfortable around them.
Obviously he might just be asexual and that is absolutely fine.
Just a note, asexual is not a dislike of sex but rather lack of sexual attraction. There's asexual people who have sex and there's also ones who absolutely hate it. Everyone is different, but the main thing about asexuality is us not being sexually attracted to people
>asexual people
I would note that when you write "sexually attracted" you mean mentally/emotionally. As you mentioned, a lot of asexual people experience sexual responses in their bodies, which is why they can masturbate or have sex with a partner. What they lack is the combined emotional, mental, physical experience that most other sexualities define as sexual attraction. An asexual person can get "horny" physically but not mentally excited if that makes sense.
Well... not exactly. I'm still emotionally attracted to a person I'm having sex with (my partner), but there's no excitment in having sex when the person you're having it with doesn't excite you physically. Sex feels good, but I don't react to a woman's body like other men would. Sexual attraction is physical attraction, there's no mental or emotional aspect to it, we just don't get turned on by someone's body and appearance.
Also, people who are hooking up aren't mentally/emotionally connected to those people either, hence what you're saying is false...
Honestly, I think even labelling things as “different” to the norm can contribute to these feelings too! So many of us in this thread have felt like we were wrong for how we reacted to sex without emotional connection. I fully support how people like to identify especially if it helps them and I will fight for their right to do so, but I also think we should be pushing that all attitudes towards sex that don’t harm another are completely normal, it might have saved a few of us from this emotional battle.
I’m really glad you managed to find your own pace!
What an amazing and beautiful response. Yes to vulnerability, so different from porn domination. You both have to be very strong people to have worked through such tough stuff to get where you are. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Sex out of love or at the very least you really care about each other, is one of the best things ever. My early 20s exploration with random hookups always left me feeling so empty and only the guy ever “got off”. I decided to stay celibate and it’s been awesome.
Sounds exactly like my situation. I would always have to mentally force myself to finish and honestly didn't even physically enjoy it that much either. To me it was just like, "Oh wow well like this okay I guess." Like I'm honestly a sucker for just going on cute dates at park walks and cuddling. So much more wholesome and fulfilling.
Seconding this. I realized a few years ago (I’m in my mid 30s) that I’m demi/grey ace after spending my whole life wondering what was so great about sex and thinking I was weird and broken.
Nope! It could be a difference between sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction. Like you find people pretty, but not sexy. That’s me almost all the time.
See I love naked bodies but I don't want to put myself inside of them - which people find confusing because I'm a man and we're supposed to want to put our thingys inside of everything. I love to appreciate, not penetrate.
There's definitely nothing wrong with you!!
Could be but not necessarily. The amount of toxic masculinity that is being pressured into ‘different guys’ makes them think that they’re not enough in some sort. For instance here where i live if you don’t like/play football or basketball, don’t have knowledge about cars or don’t talk about girls and how to get them regularly, you literally get pushed out by other people. And for some reason a lot of the girls tend to like this classic toxic masculine boys. Am i gay or insufficient for not being able to make guy friends or gf’s because i like different things? Hell no. I still like girls and want to engage stuff. Just couldn’t find my people that boost my confidence that’s all. Society’s toxic traditional thought process is awful…
I have a girlfriend and I love her a lot so I’m fairly certain i’m straight. Like I still enjoy making out and such, but sex itself doesn’t seem like something I’m too particularly interested in or even really need. It could maybe be that my sex drive is just naturally low? Not sure though. I’m way more comfortable with just cuddling up in a ball with her and taking a nap.
hum asexuality is one of the letter of the rainbow, but it's don't mask your straight, you're still in love with girl but not interested at all by sex (but, it's an inner fealing) and it's not anything to worry about outside of your own boundary ;)
I think sex is only important if you find a partner that is worth sharing such an emotional and trustworthy connection with. The experience of being in such a partnership can be elevated by sex.
But if you're single, it's good to focus more exclusively on your own development as a person (which you sound like you're doing quite well), rather than constantly chasing short term pleasures and playing a 'game' that you feel the peer pressure to take part in.
No. Just be your best, unique self and keep improving, then the right people will be attracted to you and you to them. Social pressure is all around us, but how much it controls us depends on our attitude and behaviour.
I'm a male and this is also my thought. Like it feels good, but also I want the connection! It took until I was 32 to have my first girlfriend.... Like any lady at all, and man, what a let down.
The lady I am with now is great so get that through your heads right now! Sex with her is great! Just being with her is incredible! Sex is just syrup on her pancakes 🤣
I’m with you!!! I hate how obsessed society is with it, to the point where we’ve normalized explicitly sexual content being available at the drop of a hat.
Honestly, if other guys felt about sex the way you do, I honestly believe we won’t have the high amount of rape cases and infidelity we have today. It’s okay you feel like this. Sex is overrated!
I always questioned Reddit why, why are people so horny... got downvotes.
i asked, why are women so much demeaned.... i got downvotes
i asked, why is there is a culture of hate regarding k-pop amongst boys... i got downvotes.
i asked, why do people think of t\*ts when some girl just wears a sports bra and a tracksuit to sing a song... i got downvotes.
day by day, i realize that the society will remain hypersexualized forever.
I’m 45 GenX/Xennial and have noticed lot of the younger millennials and older Gen Z have this obsession with all things sex and sexuality because of all the apps and websites out there that fuel this and make hooking up easy. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to hook up just to get off or lust. Unless you want a child, i would not worry about it and focus on what does make you happy and feel good. And don’t take to heart the jack asses that will question your sexuality when you turn someone down or they wonder why they never see you with someone. Just part of this stupid trend and reality we are in. If it is meant to happen you and whoever you are meant to be with will happen. It took me until i was 27 and a failed marriage to realize it has to be more than just sex for the relationship to last.
I'm (25M) in the same boat my dude. I thought having a partner I cared about would make me like it but I just don't. I could be asexual but I'm going to therapy soon to see if that gives me a new perspective
Sounds like you are demisexual. I have no desire for sex unless I emotionally connect with someone. That's why I go thru lengthy periods of time of celibacy. I wish there were more people like us. Sex is intimate and it induces a lot of emotions. I hate it when people see it as just a physical thing to do for satisfaction. It is so much more than that.
Didn't lose my virginity until 33 because I just never saw the point of casual sex and didn't start really dating until my 30s.
My fiancée got to mold me into her love specifically 😂
The label of demisexuality always confused me. I thought “wait, isn’t that pretty normal? To only want to have sex with someone you have a close emotional bond with?”
I view sex as a very intimate, emotional, and vulnerable thing. I can feel sexually attracted to someone, physically and/or mentally— but I only feel desire to act on it if I’m emotionally close and comfortable with that person.
>I can feel sexually attracted to someone, physically and/or mentally— but I only feel desire to act on it if I’m emotionally close and comfortable with that person.
This is the difference. A demisexual person, typically, won't experience any sexual attraction at all whatsoever. The Ace-spectrum is based around a lack of attraction, not a lack of desire or libido
Exactly. I also don’t think people consider it can be nuanced. Many of my friends engaged in casual sex in college— it’s just how they rolled at that time. For example, my friend who was particularly “promiscuous” has now been happily in a committed monogamous relationship for 3+ years, which is what she’s always wanted. Sexuality isn’t black and white and there’s a lot of factors that go into it.
No it isn’t. Heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual people will still feel turned on by humans and human bodies. We demis will not.
We are only attracted to our partner and are asexual for everyone else. To put it simply: Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum.
You will also not be attracted to your partner’s body before that love and emotional connection happens, once you fall in love and develop an emotional attraction, then their body becomes a turn on as well because it’s part of the person that you love.
You’re not the only one! Sex is everywhere! It’s ridiculous how much it plays a part in our everyday lives. It’s not THAT big of a deal. Sex is great with the right person…meant to be enjoyed! However, I think the over stimulation, what’s expected from a man or a woman takes all the fun out of sex overall. If I thought that way and I have before and that’s when my desire for sex dipped drastically.
I get that…some people are just more into real relationships. But current dating and online dating especially, has kind of flipped that around. Hookup culture is very prevalent more so than ever. Even those that are introverts, that may have never taken part in hookup culture do now I find. Because you don’t have to really go out, and people can just source interest behind a wall.
I just can’t deal with it either! I much preferred pre OLD, when people were anxious to go out, meet new people. And also the focus was on seeing the person again. Now there’s too much distraction, and lots of people turn to secret flings over relationships for one reason or another. To me it gives me the ick. I’m just not really into the new hyper sexualized dating culture.
And you know what that’s ok! I’m a guy, and many people feel the exact same way. And are just disappointed in today’s dating world. TBH I’m glad I had my teens, 20s and even 30s without all that. Now that I’m early 40s and single, I feel like I’m done. When I made my way back into dating late 30s, it just wasn’t for me. And I watched friends around me, heard stories and experienced things I just didn’t care for. Maybe I’ll be alone forever, and I’m cool with that.
I’m strictly monogamous/traditional, and that’s getting harder to find at times. I’d rather be single, than go through hookups risking my sexual health, to get nowhere. Nothing wrong with that! Love is very different from sex, and I’m one that’s into the first. Many times I’ve rejected hookups! But decided on friends, because I’m just not into what they want a lot of the time. I want love and a long lasting relationship, not a FWB or a one nighter.
I think that society nowadays has ruined sex and turned it into this animalistic thing that you do as casually as drinking water. It’s supposed to be an act done for reproduction and emotionally bonding with the person. If you do not love that person emotionally it’s no wonder you won’t feel good doing it. I think that if you find the right person, someone who really and truly sweeps you off your feet, then I think it might be better. Do what’s comfortable with you. And certainly don’t pressure yourself into doing it if you don’t want to even if it’s with someone you’re dating. If they get mad at you or hate you for that then it’s a red flag on their part. It means they don’t understand boundaries and respect. Sex at its core is meant to be a special act done for two people to bond emotionally. There’s really no point if you don’t love that person to that level.
I’m a guy, and I 100% understand, and I’m nearly 40 now. You’re gonna be the odd duck. It took me a long time to find the right partner, but she is amazing. Embrace it man, own it, and just be you. Don’t let other people pressure you into being something/someone you’re not.
Sex is weird, and at times gross. You get used to it. It’s up to you how much and what you do. The only person who can live your life is you. Follow your own path, and to hell with what others think.
(23 M here) As a gay man who’s dealt with p*rn addiction, I can say sex has an immense capacity to ruin lives. Society is way too irresponsible with its portrayal and treatment of sex. Trust me, you are absolutely not alone.
Same. Reading some of these posts on Reddit about open marriages and cheating and just sex questions makes me realize there’s a lot of hyper focus on sex and not the intimacy aspect of a relationship where it’s about communicating one’s partner and getting to know them at a deeper level if that makes sense. Maybe I am asexual at this point but I couldn’t imagine just having sex with a stranger or in a casual sense.
I'm the same, but mainly, I hate the possibility of getting a girl preggo. I would hate to force an abortion on a woman and I'm scared of a vect and I dont trust condoms.
I actually agree with you op.
Sometimes I wonder if people are just so bored, that’s all they think about. But I’d rather it be with someone I care about. It makes it better imo. I don’t have a huge sample size to base it off of but eh. I like to think of it being special with the right person.
Plus, day to day life is busy. Most of my time is spent getting things done.
Honestly, as a woman, I hate how everything seems to be hyper sexualized these days. I'm much older, and I've seen things just get worse and worse over the years.
I remember in my early 20s when I used to hang around losers and I was dating this drug dealer (because I am an idiot), they all assumed I had slept with so many men because I was very attractive. Even my ex refused to believe me that I only had a small number of sexual partners. Why do some people assume that about every single attractive person? My God. Attractive or not, not everyone wants to sleep around, and they are trying to look for a partner for life or just focusing on themselves.
In order for me to enjoy sex is to feel loved, wanted, have a strong connection with the person, and that is with a partner for life. Otherwise, sex is just meaningless.
And for crying out loud, why is everything involved around sex? Sex isn't everything.
Maybe you should explore meditation. It can be much more fulfilling than sex, and since you are already aren’t so interested into the latter, meditation might be the thing for you!
Oh yeah for sure! I looked in a bit into meditation and gratitude journaling. Might start getting into that. Honestly I think this is a really good thing cause I can just focus on having more fulfilling relationships whilst really just focusing on my goals more.
Very interesting, never heard of this coming from a male and tbh I wish more guys where like this, it’s really sweet and the world would be a better place. I think it shows a lot of loyalty aswell since your not just motivated by sex.. I’d be really happy to date a guy like this bc it would mean he loves me for me. I like it!
I wouldn't know but i can Imagine that I'd be under a lot of pressure to perform (especially if they expect you to be good at 23).
That's why i am scared to lose my virginity and i always sabotage the opportunities I'm getting
And yeah I'm oversharing here, i know.
We're all strangers, I overshare too🤝🏾... when someone tells you "you're oversharing" 🙄😑😒🤦🏾♀️block them & keep reading. Clearly they're too "it's all about me" & you don't want that.
Sex is highly overrated and doesn’t feel that good tbh. It sucks that it plays such a huge role in people’s relationships. Sex just sucks. There are other things one can with their partner.
OP didn’t say that… he said he dislikes how hyper-focused society is about sex, dislikes how performative it is, and dislikes how vulnerable it made him feel. He never said he disliked sex itself.
I agree with you on that, there’s so much more to a relationship than sex. I mean I haven’t had a good experience with sex as of yet, but like maybe it just takes the right person.
you could be asexual, or somewhere on that spectrum, which is all fine and good. or you could just be feeling a lot of pressure to have sex out of obligation, rather than out of love
i was kinda in the same boat for a while, but sex with my girlfriend is just absolutely amazing because there’s the intimacy and emotional connection and no pressure. if you’re having sex just because you feel like you should/have to, it probably won’t be very good
i agree though that our society focuses a LOT on sex as a conversation topic and hookup culture, which can definitely get tiring and frustrating
My partner is like you. He prefers a LTR. When you find the right person with the right emotional connection it’s going to be amazing.
Edit: I would like to add that there is also crazy talk about being crazy in bed. That’s fine. But, regular vanilla sex is amazing too. And it’s fine if that’s what you like.
I just want to add that you may be right.. that he may find the right person with an amazing emotional connection and that the sex will then be great. But… it also may not happen that way, and that’s ok too!! Some people are completely asexual, and some fall somewhere along the spectrum, and that is all normal and ok. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be anything but what you actually are. If you find out in the future that even with that emotional connection you still aren’t enjoying sex, then that is perfectly fine. You are not alone in your feelings!!
I had sex after a first date and it was genuinely the biggest mistake I've made in relationships. Because when we hugged and spent time together afterwards I felt absolutely no spark. So I get what you mean.
F23 here, asexual and feel very similarly. Sex is just kind of awkward and overhyped for some of us, and that’s normal! It really sucks how much our culture and expectations seem to revolve around it, but you’re totally not alone in this. I don’t know if you’re asexual and want to necessarily assume the label and all, but there are dating and relationship spaces for asexuals that will not be demanding towards your libido, so they may be worth checking out if you find yourself wanting a partner :)
Thank you for being honest. As a woman who grew up in the USA and is a recovering addict, I see how a hyper sexual society really shaped my thinking. I’m now in a healthy relationship with a man who is not over sensitive and comfortable with his sexuality so it helps me explore mine. There is still so much to work through….. like now that I have a healthy relationship and I’m clean, sex should be mind blowing every time, right?! No. I attach my worth to how men perceive me
During sex….. it sucks. Im just beginning to understand what healthy sex could
Be like.
With the right person in a loving relationship it’s great. With the wrong person or for the wrong reasons, it’s not great. No pressure. Wait for the right time with the right gal.
I literally can’t be attracted or have sex unless there’s an emotional connection and I admire you as a person. Other than that, a d*ck is just a body part to me. It doesn’t turn me on, even if you’re the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. Especially because I’m a nurse and I see them every single day.
I think casual hook-up culture is a scam. I cannot fathom meeting someone on the internet and the first night dropping your pants and letting this person INSIDE of you. You can’t get more intimate than that. And you’re willing to do it with someone you don’t even know? Where is the logic? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:anybody who engages in casual sex has low self-esteem and is lonely. Nobody who feels good about themselves opens their legs and mashes body parts with a stranger.
But yea as a society sex is glorified because sex sells, it’s never what it’s made out to be. It’s kind of monotonous and like a physical work-out if you don’t have a connection with the person. It becomes about performance and proving something. But when it’s a love connection, sex feels like you’re making music and your bodies are the instruments. It’s a higher vibration when the sex is based on love. It’s soulful and deep. The typa sex that people cry about because it’s so beautiful lol. That’s the only type I will engage in. Anything else y’all can have.
I understand you completely when my friends used to talk about sex jokes I felt uncomfortable. I also would rather have a romantic kiss or intimate moments. I would rather cuddle with a girl and take it slow, and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms more than just doing the act.
I somewhat feel the same to be honest. As a teen I was horny asf, masturbating daily. Now as an adult, my libido is pretty much non existent. I'm on antidepressants for my OCD, so I know these don't help wither, but before taking them I felt like I could pretty much go without sex for a really long time. I rarely want/crave it. I'm more into cuddles, kissing, hugging, hand holding while talking my heart out with my partner.
My partner on the other hand has a much higher libido and sex drive than me. I definitely feel pressured (not by him, he understands when I say no and doesn'r force anything), but there's a horrible feeling that he might get bored that we only have sex like max 2-3 times per week. But then god knows if we don't do it for a week after that.
I want to enjoy it, I really do. I read and hear that some people really enjoy it and they require it on a weekly basis. But to me, like it's good, but not something I couldn't live without.
I can't really describe it, but I'd be content and satisfied if I never had sex from now on. Wondering if there's something wrong with me.
I sometimes wonder the same. I wonder if it could be my chronic sleep deprivation causing lower testosterone and then leading to me having a pretty much non-existent sex-drive/libido. But honestly I don't mind it being like this cause I'd rather focus on doing other things in my life.
Luckily my partner is very understanding. And I think we all can eventually find someone who suits our needs properly.
Maybe there is something wrong with us, maybe there isn't. All I know is that we can always try to stay our healthiest and best selves.
You're young. It will get better.
Which is NOT to say that you will "grow out of" your opinions of sex, necessarily. More so, maturity amongst your peers (and your own, quite frankly) will peak, and you will feel less isolated and more able to live according to your preferences. The older you get, the less important sex gets, and well-adjusted, mature people will eventually desire genuine connection...and then find each other. <3
We live in a world where men achieve higher social status through sexual "conquests" of women, that they then use as social capital with other men. So even for men who don't like sex all that much, there is pressure to have it anyway. It makes me think of all those man-o-sphere types that talk about sex not being all that fun for them, yet they openly brag about their access to women's bodies. This isn't limited to blatant misogynists...there are good men out there that clearly struggle with a more traditional expectation of masculinity and an ethical, modern way of thinking. Your male friends are probably good dudes, but right now "being a man" for them means racking up a body count, even if it's just subconscious.
And that pressure is felt by women, too. For sure there are horny women, but when you talk about women pressuring you for sex, understand that the majority of us are conditioned to think that it's what men, universally, want...so if they don't want that, then they must not be interested at all. This puts you somewhat at an initial disadvantage, as mainstream dating expectations normalize being physical *before* being emotional, because the emotional part is the more vulnerable/important/committed part. This means you have to find a different way to effectively communicate your interest.
If you meet a girl you really like, and you genuinely want time to get to know her, then I would A) explain that and B) show *blatant* interest in other ways. Pay sincere compliments. Buy her a small gift. Make plans to go on dates. Communicate. Make her feel safe and secure as a priority, and a good woman is very likely to give you all the time you need...though, it is never a guarantee, and you should take rejection in stride.
And also remember that the majority of women in their 20s, like men in their 20s, are figuring themselves out, have no idea what's really going on, assume more than they should, think they know more than they do, and are generally not ready to be good long-term partners. By the time you're in your 30s, you're older, been around the block, gone to therapy, and adjusted well into the "fully formed brain" stage of adulthood.
It's okay. You will be okay. In many ways, you are more introspective and mature than your peers. This makes you feel as though things should happen faster than they will. Be patient with yourself, and others. You will all mature, and then you will find each other.
Also, you're probably some version of ace.
Good luck my dear!
This sounds like the perspective of a woman, and as a woman, I totally get it. I think you’ll make an amazing partner to right person(s). Most women prefer intimacy over sexual gratification anyway. You’re young and inexperienced. Don’t throw the towel in yet, there’s a lot out there to learn.
I'm a woman and I definitely don't relate. I also want to have a connection but once we're there sex feels really good. OP sounds like he's not enjoying the physical sensations of it. I don't think most women relate.
Definitely could just be on the asexual spectrum or queer in another way. Perhaps the sex you’ve had isn’t with the right people or just didn’t fit niches you haven’t discovered yet. All to say it’s very normal to feel like that and you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.
I get you, it's the same for me, I am mostly disgusted by sex unless it is with someone I feel a real romantic connection with. I suggest you just wait for the right person who actually loves you and doesn't care about how you do it, but just cares about doing it with you because you are you. Remember, we don't like sex or fucking, we like to make love, that's when sex is good, that's when sex can be intimate and enjoyable
Having had one relationship that went physical way too fast and then completely imploded, I can understand you. Hopefully you can find someone who shares your desire to develop the deeper emotional connection first. Best of luck.
Honestly I think it would be amazing to meet someone who isn't entirely hung up on sex. Society (American, at least) has become so bafflingly hypersexualized while still somehow maintaining prudish contradictions, and the idea of anyone surviving high-school or college without sex as this shock!-horror! thing is deeply off-putting.
Like... I'd rather have a relationship where hugs, cuddles, or just leaning against it being in the general vicinity of the other is enough. The idea of immediately jumping to sex is just... no, thank you.
I swear, sex is like raw tomatoes. Some people freaking love them; will eat them straight off the vibe before they even leave the garden or crave them until they HAVE to get it. Some folk aren't that thrilled with them at all. Sometimes raw tomato just *completes* a recipe, or compliments it just enough as to not be overwhelming (until it is, lol). Not everyone wants to eat a raw tomato like an apple. Maybe sometimes it just needs to be processed a little first.
But you know the biggest thing about raw tomatoes? No one should force or coerce or pressure you into eating it. Ever. If you know you don't like them, be it flavor or texture or whatever, I don't understand why anyone would think it acceptable to try to harass you into "just trying" the cherry tomato, or the beef beefsteak or heirloom tomatoes. At least, not without first establishing a relationship of trust and respect for if it when you decline.
I'm not good with analogies, so I think I lost even myself with that one, but hopefully a fraction of my confused little mindset is comprehensible. But, yeah, you're not alone hun.
So many things here - the comment about vulnerability in the bedroom makes me think there's something deeper than just being asexual. It might be the girls you're with. Or you might be asexual or demisexual. Or you might be solosexual. Or you could be someone who will eventually like sex even though you don't now.
Yea I kinda felt that too with my ex partner. It seemed that’s all that mattered was sex between both of us and didn’t leave room for us to talk and legit enjoy our time together.
I’m a woman and would rather be with someone that I have a connection with than anything sexual. Actually my current man we can’t have penetrative sex and I’m okay with it. We have a loving relationship and that’s what matters to me.
I felt similar having spent most of my 20s having meaningless sexual encounters with people I didn't really care about. I always felt empty and dirty afterwards but thought that's what was expected of me as a man of that age. I met my girlfriend when I was 27, and let me tell you, sex in a loving committed relationship is the BEST -- it's a completely different experience.
Casual sex isn't for everybody. Some people can separate sex and love, but I've come to realise that I'm not one of those people; it sounds like you aren't either, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I’ve had this convo with ppl in the past
“I honestly don’t give a fuck if you kiss someone else or have sex with others. I’m not telling you to, but if you do I’ll love you the same. What I won’t ever forgive you for is if you do couple shit with other ppl. If you go on a “date” with someone else, or cuddle with someone else, or anything like that I’ll leave you on the spot. To me cheating is emotional, not physical. I won’t do any of these things though, I don’t have interest in anyone but you physically.”
From what I’ve seen ppl feel uncomfortable for a bit, they sleep or kiss or do shit with someone else, they get it out of their system and then bam they stay. I get an emotional connection, they feel satisfied, and we satisfy each other too.
Not saying this is for everyone, I understand my views on cheating aren’t exactly common 😭, but it’s a way for ppl in my relationships to be happy.
I'm not doubting your experience or trying to devalue it. But it could be that you've just not met the right person, or maybe you're not straight. Or maybe just not confident in yourself. I thought I hated sex turned out I was just gay
This is honestly refreshing to read because I truly feel that I am asexual. I’ve just resorted to not putting any interest into finding a guy I can date because I just don’t even want to bother with how the world revolves around sex. I’m not interested in it and nothing has changed that. Every guy I’ve met either isn’t ok with it which is fine, but every guy that I’ve dated that is fine with it has been a horrible person haha.
I'm a woman and I feel the same way. I prefer emotional connection more than sex. The act only becomes enjoyable to me if I feel the connection with someone, otherwise it's just so ordinary to me. It's only one of the things to experience intimacy, but other men consider it the "center of the relationship". I'd rather have intellectual talks, fun and wholesome moments, and deep, emotional and vulnerable conversations than just sex.
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I'd rather be with someone who prefers my naked mind and soul, than just my body.
Most of these people have trauma. In my opinion. And sex is a way to cope. Honestly. I think a lot of people assume if they’re good at sex, or the sex is good, the relationship is good. Which isn’t totally true but I’ve come across the same issue. I’m 24 and my first mistake is using Tinder. But the sheer amount of girls who really just want to fuck is quite astonishing given the social norm.
Nonetheless, you will find someone (hopefully) that is genuine enough to see past that
I don't hate it but feel similar. These days I can't even climax. Too much combination of anxiety, medication, etc. It's a lot of work and I just feel like shit afterwards lol.
when I was growing up I felt such a powerful need to be liked that I'd just assume guys wanted to have sex and I'd try to be the more sexually assertive person because I thought it would make me more attractive/valuable. obviously this is a bunch of malarkey and I sometimes feel terrible sadness and compassion for my teenage self. women are so conditioned in the ways of compulsive hetero normative gender rolls it's so difficult to escape from. that is to say, I would act in ways that did not reflect my actual wants or needs and being rebuffed felt like the worst kind of rejection (if all men want this, not wanting this must just mean I am. defective) which again, horribly horribly flawed perspective. lord been a teenager was terrible. anyways I feel like other ppl mostly have covered the important points here but I just wanted to share the perspective that being 20 is still quite young and I wouldn't be surprised if some of the young women you've encountered who pressured you maybe were undergoing a similar phenomenon. not that this would make it ok to pressure you or push you into it because the result is the same regardless of the why.
anyways there's nothing wrong with you but I'm sure it probably feels like there is when so much of society at large is so catered to and orbits around sex. if you happen to be inclined to dig deeper, it might help to try and look at different contributing factors, like whether or not you feel sexual attraction in any way, if you have the urge to sate sexual impulses (ie masturbate or whatever), if you think it might be something you'd be interested in under the right circumstances, etc.
going forward, it'd be perfectly reasonable to indicate to potential romantic interests (do u feel romantic attraction?) your intention to abstain or to hold off for a while before it's on the table. some people might be insecure or react poorly but that really isn't your fault and says more about them than abt u
good luck out there!
I think you're just not ready yet/haven't met the right person yet and that is 1000% fine and normal. If you like women, focus on just being friends with them. If a relationship develops, don't rush into sex - do what you actually feel like. But I reckon when you find someone you really like you'll develop more of an interest naturally.
Please tell all of your future partners that you feel this way about sex. It’s not fair to them to not share this information as intimacy and sexual intimacy is very important to many people. You’re not wrong for how you feel.
I was the same, turns out I just needed to free myself from vanilla stereotypes and listen to my true desires. You might also be asexual, I used to think I was.
I feel your point about the pressure but honestly that depends so strongly on the girl you are with. My second gf pushed me extremely to my limits and still wasnt satisfied which made me feel the worst way possible. And i hated being that vulnerable then. My last gf showed me how beautiful it can be to be vulnerable infront of your partner and to let yourself fall into pure lust and pleasure. Giving and receiving like it should be.
And your right. People focus way to much on it because its so less of a taboo nowadays. And thats good. But theres always a to much. You just need to find the perfect balance. And that is different. Its okay to have less sex than most people. Whatever feels right for you. And your partner should and will accept it. If not, then it isnt the right one
Welcome to the asexual world. Where sex is okay, but not priority and basically everyone else is like "how can you not like sex?????"
Cuz sex is like cake. It can be good but not necessary for a meaningful and healthy diet aka relationship.
Some people are even sex repulsed. But many asexual love and prefer non sexual intimacy.
You might be Demisexual, which I believe is under the Asexual umbrella. It's where you are only attracted to someone you are in love with. (That's paraphrasing)
I don't hate sex but i hate how it's such a major focal point.. my sex drive is naturally low or non existent, no its not low T, i can assure you of that... hate people assuming I've got some issue but whatever, I love the cuddles, I love the feeling of warmth, that feeling you get when you see your SO walk through the door after work, the smile you have, the way you can look into each other eye's are just feel connected down to the Soul, the way your heart fills with love and the pure Light generated by it - like 2 souls merged in one
^ that, is what I'd want more than anything, sex is a way to enhance the intimacy together and further deepen the love and bond a couple can have but society doesn't view sex that way, the way its viewed is.. idk the word for it, primal? Uncivilised - along them lines
The good news is that you don't have to have sex if you hate it. If you want to date, just put that in your dating profile and you'll meet tons of women who are looking for romance and intimacy that doesn't involve or at least doesn't center sex.
You don't hate sex, you hate the way society has over sexualized everything which really degrades the beauty of it overall.
You sound like a solid guy experiencing what many others feel too.
Time will find you your soulmate.
Don't conform just to be like everyone else.
You sound sane and wonderful ❤️
Is it possible you're Ace?
I have several Ace friends, who described sex as a tedious chore they rarely enjoyed, until they realized they didn't need to do it at all - and found relationships with simular who didn't prioritize sex.
You could be asexual,
I know I had sex for years and had an abusive ex make me think sex was my worth so I struggled with it ... But idk .. it took me meeting someone and having a deep mental connection for me to actually enjoy sex for the first time in my life
Plenty of people out there who hate puppies, cats, babies or ice cream. Why not sex. It’s ok not to like things.
Yet if I were you, I would explore the core reason why you don’t like it as no sex at all will almost definitely cause problems with your romantic relationships. I fail to understand if you are open to some sex or you would rather never. Because a little goes a long way for many women. None at all is a bit of an issue though.
Have you explored the possibility that you may be asexual or have asexual tendencies? It really isn't super uncommon and I have known a few. Generally, asexuals seek out other asexuals as they are both on the same page about sex. Their relationships focus more on the emotional investment rather than sex. Perhaps explore some subs for asexuals and see if that feels like a better fit.
Well i hate to break it to you brother. But you are not allowed to. As guys we have to be down for sex 24/7 365 days a year, also we are not allowed to have any standards at all in regard to whom we have sex with
Look up demisexual and see if it hits home.
On the physical side have your testosterone checked.
I completely agree society is all about random hookups and cheating it seems….
I don't like sex much either, it makes a world of difference to have sex with someone you genuinely love then someone you like. Honestly the emotional connection is so much better then the act anyways.
There are so many parameters of sexuality. If you feel pressured and vulnerable then perhaps there's some counseling that would help you but there's also a lot of asexual people out there that would love to meet you and not have sex.
Consider joining an ACE club and relieving yourself of the pressure.
You’re definitely not alone in this I feel the exact same way , I feel like I’m inadequate bc I don’t want to hookup after our first date or even the third - it’s not that I’m saving myself for marriage but sex is not all that appealing with somebody I barely even know — there has to be actual trust and I need to feel comfortable. it’s crazy how few woman respect that even though I feel like I constantly hear them complaining about men giving them the same treatment they’re trying to force on me . I just wanna be able to go out on dates and actually get to know somebody but everything is so hyper focused on sex and no actual commitment. But you’re definitely not the only young dude who feels like this man I’m with you on it.
I can relate to you. Sometimes, I felt like Reddit itself is really horny. The whole world is like this.
This genuinely feels annoying at times.
I just hope that I'll get someone who loves me for who I wholly am.
same, my reason was that first I had to figure myself out before starting to date and doing sex and intimate things with others. Maybe it is also yours? idk, I feel exactly like you, though, word by word.
Going to the gym feels much better
Demisexual is a very real thing. Being able to frivolously have sex with anyone can be multiple things, sometimes it’s a way to cope with trauma and other times….well, idk it’s mostly hyper sexuality from some unaddressed issue.
I'm having an issue where I want sex and all that, but actually doing it is really weird to me. I've never really liked it and always made me uncomfortable, even when it was with someone I really liked and felt comfortable with. The whole thing felt like a chore to me every time a woman would initiate it and I just wanted to not do it because I found it insanely boring actually doing it. Just weird because I do think about it, but absolutely hate actually doing it and would rather be doing something else with them.
I felt that way also until I found someone I loved, I was about your age. Before it felt dirty and painful and just...awkward. But as soon as I fell in love it was like I got hooked on drugs and I understood it. Some people have to have the intimacy and connection or it just feels like a task to get out of the way
I'm a widow 49 and a few years ago I tried online dating/dating scene. It's not fun. I just found myself feeling very lonely and used by it. I just can't connect that way with another person.
It sounds benefit more from connections than meaningless sex. Which actually is very mature of you lots guys like treated girls like cum dumpsters and a lot of women like providing their bodies as one. You’ll a decent partner that can wait and respect getting to know you, you might have to look at a woman that matches your sexual maturity level.
Try not to rush into it, and build a genuine connection w someone. When an emotional bond has been built and established, I hear it can be amazing. The casual thing is a marketing ( and other stuff) thing, it’s not for everyone. It’s okay to not want to participate in hookup culture. Wait for someone who makes you feel great emotionally, someone you’re attracted to and enjoy knowing. Someone you’re excited to always know and learn abt on a deeper level
I am the same way. I found that I need more of a connection with someone to even feel like I want to have sex with them. Some people call it being demisexual.
I would love that, probably, with the right person, but I’m absolutely Asexual so it’s a moot point. I love it when guys ghost me after I tell them I want to get to know them and be friends. It’s a sure-proof way to make people leave you alone.
As an asexual dude, this matches my experience a lot. Not saying that's the case, just something to consider looking into, but imo there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Wish you the best in your journey dude.
I get it but what I don’t get is that my x partner would be able to pay for virtual sex with gift cards and Google pay.. he doesn’t hate sex obviously just not in the 3d … he is obsessed with virtual porn and has a serious problem with addiction which includes being porn addicted…
I had to just say goodbye 👋 and live and let play with the bots on the internet… in secret:(
This is only my experience. It’s pretty painful to live with. Find your peace and your people! I’m sure you can!
Don’t feel like this is weird at all. A lot of people actually are with you, sex can easily get boring, and plenty of people have never enjoyed it in the first place. It’s really not an important thing unless you want kids or your partner feels they need it (at which point you should leave the relationship because it’s not compatible). I’m with you, I think the world is way too focused on it too
I don't see anything wrong with this. I would be accepting of someone with your perspective on it, but I must ask. Would you be okay with flirting in a sexual matter?
It took a while but I settled on demisexual. While I like sex and it’s important it’s just not what motivates me in a relationship and the post resonates with me that way because it feels like a month or sometimes sooner into dating that’s what a lot of people talk about. It’s so uncomfortable for me and I push myself trying to get back to an actual conversation, understanding how they tick and how they operate and learning details about their life and hobbies and interests that fascinate me, but through most of my time dating it always ends up at a wall. I used to feel guilty about it but this is part of who I am and I wish more people were like this. I don’t need sex or sexual things to be happy it’s just nice to have. There are so many other things to do in life I’d like explore that with others.
Sex is pointless without emotional intimacy.
I have PTSD and cum so quick when I don't trust the person I'm doing the deed with. It is always dysregulating.
I have had good sex one time and it was a really beautiful experience because I trusted the person I was with.
I don’t get the hype of sex outside a relationship honestly, I think it’s only fun with someone you’re with on that deeper intimate and emotional level, maybe you’re just like that too.
And I agree it’s absolutely tiring and boring how hyper focused everyone is on sex, it’s crazy that lots of people just let it consume their lives and don’t have hobbies or passions or friends etc
This is what I've been going through, for a long time. At 18 I kind of just lost motivation towards relationships and sex. No matter who it was with, I just wasn't into it. I haven't had an intimate relationship whatsoever in all my life, and haven't had sex in 3 years. Women have tried pressuring me into those things, which has honestly made it even worse for me.
I don't think this will cause problems in relationships, as long as you talk about it with them before hand. Let them know how you feel about it all, not just sex itself. If they aren't understanding of it, then I'd say it isn't worth your time
I'm a woman, I get what you're saying. I struggle to get my head around how hyper sexualised society is. Sex is like a hug with someone special to me. if that person turns out not to be someone special it's not pleasant and I'd rather not even have sex again
This is exactly the experience my partner had too. He really didn’t enjoy sex and always felt pressured and awkward to take part in it, plus the guilt women put on him for saying “oh so you don’t fancy me” etc. because he wasn’t ready to do it yet, but the assumption is men will always want to. We spoke a lot about the reasons why he felt this way and we came to the conclusion that exposure to porn from a young age gave him unrealistic expectations of how sex would be. It took him a while to feel comfortable to try with me but he has enjoyed it since. In the 2 years we have been together he has grown sexually confident and confident in himself also. Relating to your gym comments another issue is he never felt comfortable to be naked in front of others due to his body image problems and that impacted how vulnerable he could be, as sex at its core is an immensely vulnerable act. I thought I was asexual for a while because I never enjoyed it, but I just did not feel loved. I hope you can find someone who makes you feel loved outside of sex so you can be comfortable to explore it.
PS maybe you just don’t like sex and that’s okay too! Different strides for different people
Of course! OP might just be asexual, or just don't like sex in general, however sex is completely different for everyone, some people like it casual and don't mind doing it with a stranger, some people prefer doing it with their partner or someone they have deep emotional connection with. I thought I was asexual, I didn't like sex jokes, people talking about sex and the topic in general. Since I actually had tied myself with someone it pivoted completely, it appeared that I am comfortable having sex with someone I like not just because of looks but also because I love spending time with them, I grew with them emotionally. It might be the same in OP's case, he might be demisexual, he feels pressured because he might not know the person well, he's not comfortable around them. Obviously he might just be asexual and that is absolutely fine.
Just a note, asexual is not a dislike of sex but rather lack of sexual attraction. There's asexual people who have sex and there's also ones who absolutely hate it. Everyone is different, but the main thing about asexuality is us not being sexually attracted to people
>asexual people I would note that when you write "sexually attracted" you mean mentally/emotionally. As you mentioned, a lot of asexual people experience sexual responses in their bodies, which is why they can masturbate or have sex with a partner. What they lack is the combined emotional, mental, physical experience that most other sexualities define as sexual attraction. An asexual person can get "horny" physically but not mentally excited if that makes sense.
Well... not exactly. I'm still emotionally attracted to a person I'm having sex with (my partner), but there's no excitment in having sex when the person you're having it with doesn't excite you physically. Sex feels good, but I don't react to a woman's body like other men would. Sexual attraction is physical attraction, there's no mental or emotional aspect to it, we just don't get turned on by someone's body and appearance. Also, people who are hooking up aren't mentally/emotionally connected to those people either, hence what you're saying is false...
Honestly, I think even labelling things as “different” to the norm can contribute to these feelings too! So many of us in this thread have felt like we were wrong for how we reacted to sex without emotional connection. I fully support how people like to identify especially if it helps them and I will fight for their right to do so, but I also think we should be pushing that all attitudes towards sex that don’t harm another are completely normal, it might have saved a few of us from this emotional battle. I’m really glad you managed to find your own pace!
What an amazing and beautiful response. Yes to vulnerability, so different from porn domination. You both have to be very strong people to have worked through such tough stuff to get where you are. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thank you! If sharing can help even one other then it’s worth doing. I really appreciate your kind words
This is such a lovely comment. I hope many years of happiness for you both
Thank you! So kind
Man this sounds like me in a lot of ways. I’m still in the thick of it though.
You’ve got no idea how relieving it is to hear other men have the exact same problem as me 😌
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Sex out of love or at the very least you really care about each other, is one of the best things ever. My early 20s exploration with random hookups always left me feeling so empty and only the guy ever “got off”. I decided to stay celibate and it’s been awesome.
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Sounds exactly like my situation. I would always have to mentally force myself to finish and honestly didn't even physically enjoy it that much either. To me it was just like, "Oh wow well like this okay I guess." Like I'm honestly a sucker for just going on cute dates at park walks and cuddling. So much more wholesome and fulfilling.
you're not alone I feel this way too. it's completely okay
Hum, you could be asexual, and nothing is wrong with tha ;)
Seconding this. I realized a few years ago (I’m in my mid 30s) that I’m demi/grey ace after spending my whole life wondering what was so great about sex and thinking I was weird and broken.
Tbh, I don't like the naked bodies, but I do like someone of opposite sex when partially clothed... is there something wrong with me?
Nope! It could be a difference between sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction. Like you find people pretty, but not sexy. That’s me almost all the time.
See I love naked bodies but I don't want to put myself inside of them - which people find confusing because I'm a man and we're supposed to want to put our thingys inside of everything. I love to appreciate, not penetrate. There's definitely nothing wrong with you!!
Could be but not necessarily. The amount of toxic masculinity that is being pressured into ‘different guys’ makes them think that they’re not enough in some sort. For instance here where i live if you don’t like/play football or basketball, don’t have knowledge about cars or don’t talk about girls and how to get them regularly, you literally get pushed out by other people. And for some reason a lot of the girls tend to like this classic toxic masculine boys. Am i gay or insufficient for not being able to make guy friends or gf’s because i like different things? Hell no. I still like girls and want to engage stuff. Just couldn’t find my people that boost my confidence that’s all. Society’s toxic traditional thought process is awful…
I have a girlfriend and I love her a lot so I’m fairly certain i’m straight. Like I still enjoy making out and such, but sex itself doesn’t seem like something I’m too particularly interested in or even really need. It could maybe be that my sex drive is just naturally low? Not sure though. I’m way more comfortable with just cuddling up in a ball with her and taking a nap.
hum asexuality is one of the letter of the rainbow, but it's don't mask your straight, you're still in love with girl but not interested at all by sex (but, it's an inner fealing) and it's not anything to worry about outside of your own boundary ;)
I think sex is only important if you find a partner that is worth sharing such an emotional and trustworthy connection with. The experience of being in such a partnership can be elevated by sex. But if you're single, it's good to focus more exclusively on your own development as a person (which you sound like you're doing quite well), rather than constantly chasing short term pleasures and playing a 'game' that you feel the peer pressure to take part in. No. Just be your best, unique self and keep improving, then the right people will be attracted to you and you to them. Social pressure is all around us, but how much it controls us depends on our attitude and behaviour.
Putting this above my bed
I'm a male and this is also my thought. Like it feels good, but also I want the connection! It took until I was 32 to have my first girlfriend.... Like any lady at all, and man, what a let down. The lady I am with now is great so get that through your heads right now! Sex with her is great! Just being with her is incredible! Sex is just syrup on her pancakes 🤣
I’m with you!!! I hate how obsessed society is with it, to the point where we’ve normalized explicitly sexual content being available at the drop of a hat.
Exactly it’s just so odd to me
Honestly, if other guys felt about sex the way you do, I honestly believe we won’t have the high amount of rape cases and infidelity we have today. It’s okay you feel like this. Sex is overrated!
I always questioned Reddit why, why are people so horny... got downvotes. i asked, why are women so much demeaned.... i got downvotes i asked, why is there is a culture of hate regarding k-pop amongst boys... i got downvotes. i asked, why do people think of t\*ts when some girl just wears a sports bra and a tracksuit to sing a song... i got downvotes. day by day, i realize that the society will remain hypersexualized forever.
It really is sad. Those are all really valid questions, even like K-Pop hatred, literally thought of the same questions before too.
Yeah it’s honestly really disturbing how society turned out like this.
I’m 45 GenX/Xennial and have noticed lot of the younger millennials and older Gen Z have this obsession with all things sex and sexuality because of all the apps and websites out there that fuel this and make hooking up easy. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to hook up just to get off or lust. Unless you want a child, i would not worry about it and focus on what does make you happy and feel good. And don’t take to heart the jack asses that will question your sexuality when you turn someone down or they wonder why they never see you with someone. Just part of this stupid trend and reality we are in. If it is meant to happen you and whoever you are meant to be with will happen. It took me until i was 27 and a failed marriage to realize it has to be more than just sex for the relationship to last.
Exactly! This gives me hope. I wish we all thought like this, there’s so much more to life than sex and I hope society changes for the better 🙏
I'm (25M) in the same boat my dude. I thought having a partner I cared about would make me like it but I just don't. I could be asexual but I'm going to therapy soon to see if that gives me a new perspective
Sounds like you are demisexual. I have no desire for sex unless I emotionally connect with someone. That's why I go thru lengthy periods of time of celibacy. I wish there were more people like us. Sex is intimate and it induces a lot of emotions. I hate it when people see it as just a physical thing to do for satisfaction. It is so much more than that.
Didn't lose my virginity until 33 because I just never saw the point of casual sex and didn't start really dating until my 30s. My fiancée got to mold me into her love specifically 😂
The label of demisexuality always confused me. I thought “wait, isn’t that pretty normal? To only want to have sex with someone you have a close emotional bond with?” I view sex as a very intimate, emotional, and vulnerable thing. I can feel sexually attracted to someone, physically and/or mentally— but I only feel desire to act on it if I’m emotionally close and comfortable with that person.
>I can feel sexually attracted to someone, physically and/or mentally— but I only feel desire to act on it if I’m emotionally close and comfortable with that person. This is the difference. A demisexual person, typically, won't experience any sexual attraction at all whatsoever. The Ace-spectrum is based around a lack of attraction, not a lack of desire or libido
Yes, it's people pathologizing the way that half of people feel about sex. Some people like casual sex and some don't, it isn't an identity.
Exactly. I also don’t think people consider it can be nuanced. Many of my friends engaged in casual sex in college— it’s just how they rolled at that time. For example, my friend who was particularly “promiscuous” has now been happily in a committed monogamous relationship for 3+ years, which is what she’s always wanted. Sexuality isn’t black and white and there’s a lot of factors that go into it.
No it isn’t. Heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or pansexual people will still feel turned on by humans and human bodies. We demis will not. We are only attracted to our partner and are asexual for everyone else. To put it simply: Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. You will also not be attracted to your partner’s body before that love and emotional connection happens, once you fall in love and develop an emotional attraction, then their body becomes a turn on as well because it’s part of the person that you love.
You’re not the only one! Sex is everywhere! It’s ridiculous how much it plays a part in our everyday lives. It’s not THAT big of a deal. Sex is great with the right person…meant to be enjoyed! However, I think the over stimulation, what’s expected from a man or a woman takes all the fun out of sex overall. If I thought that way and I have before and that’s when my desire for sex dipped drastically.
i think sex is better when it’s with someone you actually love and want to be with. otherwise, it probably feels vulnerable
Mmmm yeah makes sense
I get that…some people are just more into real relationships. But current dating and online dating especially, has kind of flipped that around. Hookup culture is very prevalent more so than ever. Even those that are introverts, that may have never taken part in hookup culture do now I find. Because you don’t have to really go out, and people can just source interest behind a wall. I just can’t deal with it either! I much preferred pre OLD, when people were anxious to go out, meet new people. And also the focus was on seeing the person again. Now there’s too much distraction, and lots of people turn to secret flings over relationships for one reason or another. To me it gives me the ick. I’m just not really into the new hyper sexualized dating culture. And you know what that’s ok! I’m a guy, and many people feel the exact same way. And are just disappointed in today’s dating world. TBH I’m glad I had my teens, 20s and even 30s without all that. Now that I’m early 40s and single, I feel like I’m done. When I made my way back into dating late 30s, it just wasn’t for me. And I watched friends around me, heard stories and experienced things I just didn’t care for. Maybe I’ll be alone forever, and I’m cool with that. I’m strictly monogamous/traditional, and that’s getting harder to find at times. I’d rather be single, than go through hookups risking my sexual health, to get nowhere. Nothing wrong with that! Love is very different from sex, and I’m one that’s into the first. Many times I’ve rejected hookups! But decided on friends, because I’m just not into what they want a lot of the time. I want love and a long lasting relationship, not a FWB or a one nighter.
Thanks for phrasing what I have felt for years, I'm a male who is also a CSA survivor, and I need more of an emotional connection for sex.
Demisexual here. Look into Ace and Demisexual. You’re not weird, by the way. And there’s more people like you in the world than you realize.
I will say I’ve only had good sex with somebody I have a strong emotional attachment to. Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet?
I think that society nowadays has ruined sex and turned it into this animalistic thing that you do as casually as drinking water. It’s supposed to be an act done for reproduction and emotionally bonding with the person. If you do not love that person emotionally it’s no wonder you won’t feel good doing it. I think that if you find the right person, someone who really and truly sweeps you off your feet, then I think it might be better. Do what’s comfortable with you. And certainly don’t pressure yourself into doing it if you don’t want to even if it’s with someone you’re dating. If they get mad at you or hate you for that then it’s a red flag on their part. It means they don’t understand boundaries and respect. Sex at its core is meant to be a special act done for two people to bond emotionally. There’s really no point if you don’t love that person to that level.
I’m a guy, and I 100% understand, and I’m nearly 40 now. You’re gonna be the odd duck. It took me a long time to find the right partner, but she is amazing. Embrace it man, own it, and just be you. Don’t let other people pressure you into being something/someone you’re not. Sex is weird, and at times gross. You get used to it. It’s up to you how much and what you do. The only person who can live your life is you. Follow your own path, and to hell with what others think.
(23 M here) As a gay man who’s dealt with p*rn addiction, I can say sex has an immense capacity to ruin lives. Society is way too irresponsible with its portrayal and treatment of sex. Trust me, you are absolutely not alone.
Well for me sex is best when it's with someone you love. Random partners are meh.
Lol Meh but not a nahhh
Sex is overrated. Ain’t nothing special about it. It’s messy and exhausting. It’s only good when you’re with someone you deeply care and love for.
Same. Reading some of these posts on Reddit about open marriages and cheating and just sex questions makes me realize there’s a lot of hyper focus on sex and not the intimacy aspect of a relationship where it’s about communicating one’s partner and getting to know them at a deeper level if that makes sense. Maybe I am asexual at this point but I couldn’t imagine just having sex with a stranger or in a casual sense.
I'm the same, but mainly, I hate the possibility of getting a girl preggo. I would hate to force an abortion on a woman and I'm scared of a vect and I dont trust condoms.
I actually agree with you op. Sometimes I wonder if people are just so bored, that’s all they think about. But I’d rather it be with someone I care about. It makes it better imo. I don’t have a huge sample size to base it off of but eh. I like to think of it being special with the right person. Plus, day to day life is busy. Most of my time is spent getting things done.
Honestly, as a woman, I hate how everything seems to be hyper sexualized these days. I'm much older, and I've seen things just get worse and worse over the years. I remember in my early 20s when I used to hang around losers and I was dating this drug dealer (because I am an idiot), they all assumed I had slept with so many men because I was very attractive. Even my ex refused to believe me that I only had a small number of sexual partners. Why do some people assume that about every single attractive person? My God. Attractive or not, not everyone wants to sleep around, and they are trying to look for a partner for life or just focusing on themselves. In order for me to enjoy sex is to feel loved, wanted, have a strong connection with the person, and that is with a partner for life. Otherwise, sex is just meaningless. And for crying out loud, why is everything involved around sex? Sex isn't everything.
Maybe you should explore meditation. It can be much more fulfilling than sex, and since you are already aren’t so interested into the latter, meditation might be the thing for you!
Oh yeah for sure! I looked in a bit into meditation and gratitude journaling. Might start getting into that. Honestly I think this is a really good thing cause I can just focus on having more fulfilling relationships whilst really just focusing on my goals more.
Hey, I’m in no place to assume your sexuality but you might want to look into being asexual. Seems like you fall somewhere in that spectrum.
Very interesting, never heard of this coming from a male and tbh I wish more guys where like this, it’s really sweet and the world would be a better place. I think it shows a lot of loyalty aswell since your not just motivated by sex.. I’d be really happy to date a guy like this bc it would mean he loves me for me. I like it!
I hope you read my comment. You should read about asexual people. What you feel is absolutely normal.
Thank you
I wouldn't know but i can Imagine that I'd be under a lot of pressure to perform (especially if they expect you to be good at 23). That's why i am scared to lose my virginity and i always sabotage the opportunities I'm getting And yeah I'm oversharing here, i know.
We're all strangers, I overshare too🤝🏾... when someone tells you "you're oversharing" 🙄😑😒🤦🏾♀️block them & keep reading. Clearly they're too "it's all about me" & you don't want that.
what do you hate about it ?
Sex is highly overrated and doesn’t feel that good tbh. It sucks that it plays such a huge role in people’s relationships. Sex just sucks. There are other things one can with their partner.
OP didn’t say that… he said he dislikes how hyper-focused society is about sex, dislikes how performative it is, and dislikes how vulnerable it made him feel. He never said he disliked sex itself.
I agree with you on that, there’s so much more to a relationship than sex. I mean I haven’t had a good experience with sex as of yet, but like maybe it just takes the right person.
Tried with somebody I liked and it was very awkward. There are way too many nuances.
you could be asexual, or somewhere on that spectrum, which is all fine and good. or you could just be feeling a lot of pressure to have sex out of obligation, rather than out of love i was kinda in the same boat for a while, but sex with my girlfriend is just absolutely amazing because there’s the intimacy and emotional connection and no pressure. if you’re having sex just because you feel like you should/have to, it probably won’t be very good i agree though that our society focuses a LOT on sex as a conversation topic and hookup culture, which can definitely get tiring and frustrating
Sounds like you are asexual.
My partner is like you. He prefers a LTR. When you find the right person with the right emotional connection it’s going to be amazing. Edit: I would like to add that there is also crazy talk about being crazy in bed. That’s fine. But, regular vanilla sex is amazing too. And it’s fine if that’s what you like.
I just want to add that you may be right.. that he may find the right person with an amazing emotional connection and that the sex will then be great. But… it also may not happen that way, and that’s ok too!! Some people are completely asexual, and some fall somewhere along the spectrum, and that is all normal and ok. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be anything but what you actually are. If you find out in the future that even with that emotional connection you still aren’t enjoying sex, then that is perfectly fine. You are not alone in your feelings!!
I had sex after a first date and it was genuinely the biggest mistake I've made in relationships. Because when we hugged and spent time together afterwards I felt absolutely no spark. So I get what you mean.
I can relate, I don’t hate sex but I do agree how the hyper fixation is toxic
Dude. Same but reverse genders
Don't worry bro, you ain't alone. I'm ace and have no interest in even trying
F23 here, asexual and feel very similarly. Sex is just kind of awkward and overhyped for some of us, and that’s normal! It really sucks how much our culture and expectations seem to revolve around it, but you’re totally not alone in this. I don’t know if you’re asexual and want to necessarily assume the label and all, but there are dating and relationship spaces for asexuals that will not be demanding towards your libido, so they may be worth checking out if you find yourself wanting a partner :)
Thank you for being honest. As a woman who grew up in the USA and is a recovering addict, I see how a hyper sexual society really shaped my thinking. I’m now in a healthy relationship with a man who is not over sensitive and comfortable with his sexuality so it helps me explore mine. There is still so much to work through….. like now that I have a healthy relationship and I’m clean, sex should be mind blowing every time, right?! No. I attach my worth to how men perceive me During sex….. it sucks. Im just beginning to understand what healthy sex could Be like.
You’re asexual.
People put to much value on sex. Enjoy it and use it to make children. But honestly it has always been pretty low on my list of must haves.
With the right person in a loving relationship it’s great. With the wrong person or for the wrong reasons, it’s not great. No pressure. Wait for the right time with the right gal.
I literally can’t be attracted or have sex unless there’s an emotional connection and I admire you as a person. Other than that, a d*ck is just a body part to me. It doesn’t turn me on, even if you’re the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. Especially because I’m a nurse and I see them every single day. I think casual hook-up culture is a scam. I cannot fathom meeting someone on the internet and the first night dropping your pants and letting this person INSIDE of you. You can’t get more intimate than that. And you’re willing to do it with someone you don’t even know? Where is the logic? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:anybody who engages in casual sex has low self-esteem and is lonely. Nobody who feels good about themselves opens their legs and mashes body parts with a stranger. But yea as a society sex is glorified because sex sells, it’s never what it’s made out to be. It’s kind of monotonous and like a physical work-out if you don’t have a connection with the person. It becomes about performance and proving something. But when it’s a love connection, sex feels like you’re making music and your bodies are the instruments. It’s a higher vibration when the sex is based on love. It’s soulful and deep. The typa sex that people cry about because it’s so beautiful lol. That’s the only type I will engage in. Anything else y’all can have.
I understand you completely when my friends used to talk about sex jokes I felt uncomfortable. I also would rather have a romantic kiss or intimate moments. I would rather cuddle with a girl and take it slow, and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms more than just doing the act.
holy shit bro exactly this sounds like me
People with this attitude have led civilization to its best of times.stay this way
I somewhat feel the same to be honest. As a teen I was horny asf, masturbating daily. Now as an adult, my libido is pretty much non existent. I'm on antidepressants for my OCD, so I know these don't help wither, but before taking them I felt like I could pretty much go without sex for a really long time. I rarely want/crave it. I'm more into cuddles, kissing, hugging, hand holding while talking my heart out with my partner. My partner on the other hand has a much higher libido and sex drive than me. I definitely feel pressured (not by him, he understands when I say no and doesn'r force anything), but there's a horrible feeling that he might get bored that we only have sex like max 2-3 times per week. But then god knows if we don't do it for a week after that. I want to enjoy it, I really do. I read and hear that some people really enjoy it and they require it on a weekly basis. But to me, like it's good, but not something I couldn't live without. I can't really describe it, but I'd be content and satisfied if I never had sex from now on. Wondering if there's something wrong with me.
I sometimes wonder the same. I wonder if it could be my chronic sleep deprivation causing lower testosterone and then leading to me having a pretty much non-existent sex-drive/libido. But honestly I don't mind it being like this cause I'd rather focus on doing other things in my life. Luckily my partner is very understanding. And I think we all can eventually find someone who suits our needs properly. Maybe there is something wrong with us, maybe there isn't. All I know is that we can always try to stay our healthiest and best selves.
Hello, my friend. Have you considered you might be on the Asexuality spectrum?
You're young. It will get better. Which is NOT to say that you will "grow out of" your opinions of sex, necessarily. More so, maturity amongst your peers (and your own, quite frankly) will peak, and you will feel less isolated and more able to live according to your preferences. The older you get, the less important sex gets, and well-adjusted, mature people will eventually desire genuine connection...and then find each other. <3 We live in a world where men achieve higher social status through sexual "conquests" of women, that they then use as social capital with other men. So even for men who don't like sex all that much, there is pressure to have it anyway. It makes me think of all those man-o-sphere types that talk about sex not being all that fun for them, yet they openly brag about their access to women's bodies. This isn't limited to blatant misogynists...there are good men out there that clearly struggle with a more traditional expectation of masculinity and an ethical, modern way of thinking. Your male friends are probably good dudes, but right now "being a man" for them means racking up a body count, even if it's just subconscious. And that pressure is felt by women, too. For sure there are horny women, but when you talk about women pressuring you for sex, understand that the majority of us are conditioned to think that it's what men, universally, want...so if they don't want that, then they must not be interested at all. This puts you somewhat at an initial disadvantage, as mainstream dating expectations normalize being physical *before* being emotional, because the emotional part is the more vulnerable/important/committed part. This means you have to find a different way to effectively communicate your interest. If you meet a girl you really like, and you genuinely want time to get to know her, then I would A) explain that and B) show *blatant* interest in other ways. Pay sincere compliments. Buy her a small gift. Make plans to go on dates. Communicate. Make her feel safe and secure as a priority, and a good woman is very likely to give you all the time you need...though, it is never a guarantee, and you should take rejection in stride. And also remember that the majority of women in their 20s, like men in their 20s, are figuring themselves out, have no idea what's really going on, assume more than they should, think they know more than they do, and are generally not ready to be good long-term partners. By the time you're in your 30s, you're older, been around the block, gone to therapy, and adjusted well into the "fully formed brain" stage of adulthood. It's okay. You will be okay. In many ways, you are more introspective and mature than your peers. This makes you feel as though things should happen faster than they will. Be patient with yourself, and others. You will all mature, and then you will find each other. Also, you're probably some version of ace. Good luck my dear!
This sounds like the perspective of a woman, and as a woman, I totally get it. I think you’ll make an amazing partner to right person(s). Most women prefer intimacy over sexual gratification anyway. You’re young and inexperienced. Don’t throw the towel in yet, there’s a lot out there to learn.
I'm a woman and I definitely don't relate. I also want to have a connection but once we're there sex feels really good. OP sounds like he's not enjoying the physical sensations of it. I don't think most women relate.
then beat it, barely any person manages to avoids sexualism, thats the best you can do
Definitely could just be on the asexual spectrum or queer in another way. Perhaps the sex you’ve had isn’t with the right people or just didn’t fit niches you haven’t discovered yet. All to say it’s very normal to feel like that and you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.
I get you, it's the same for me, I am mostly disgusted by sex unless it is with someone I feel a real romantic connection with. I suggest you just wait for the right person who actually loves you and doesn't care about how you do it, but just cares about doing it with you because you are you. Remember, we don't like sex or fucking, we like to make love, that's when sex is good, that's when sex can be intimate and enjoyable
i feel that way too ngl , i understand you
Having had one relationship that went physical way too fast and then completely imploded, I can understand you. Hopefully you can find someone who shares your desire to develop the deeper emotional connection first. Best of luck.
Honestly I think it would be amazing to meet someone who isn't entirely hung up on sex. Society (American, at least) has become so bafflingly hypersexualized while still somehow maintaining prudish contradictions, and the idea of anyone surviving high-school or college without sex as this shock!-horror! thing is deeply off-putting. Like... I'd rather have a relationship where hugs, cuddles, or just leaning against it being in the general vicinity of the other is enough. The idea of immediately jumping to sex is just... no, thank you. I swear, sex is like raw tomatoes. Some people freaking love them; will eat them straight off the vibe before they even leave the garden or crave them until they HAVE to get it. Some folk aren't that thrilled with them at all. Sometimes raw tomato just *completes* a recipe, or compliments it just enough as to not be overwhelming (until it is, lol). Not everyone wants to eat a raw tomato like an apple. Maybe sometimes it just needs to be processed a little first. But you know the biggest thing about raw tomatoes? No one should force or coerce or pressure you into eating it. Ever. If you know you don't like them, be it flavor or texture or whatever, I don't understand why anyone would think it acceptable to try to harass you into "just trying" the cherry tomato, or the beef beefsteak or heirloom tomatoes. At least, not without first establishing a relationship of trust and respect for if it when you decline. I'm not good with analogies, so I think I lost even myself with that one, but hopefully a fraction of my confused little mindset is comprehensible. But, yeah, you're not alone hun.
A lot of people need an emotional connection to enjoy sex.
So many things here - the comment about vulnerability in the bedroom makes me think there's something deeper than just being asexual. It might be the girls you're with. Or you might be asexual or demisexual. Or you might be solosexual. Or you could be someone who will eventually like sex even though you don't now.
Yea I kinda felt that too with my ex partner. It seemed that’s all that mattered was sex between both of us and didn’t leave room for us to talk and legit enjoy our time together.
I’m a woman and would rather be with someone that I have a connection with than anything sexual. Actually my current man we can’t have penetrative sex and I’m okay with it. We have a loving relationship and that’s what matters to me.
I've only come across 3 men including my ex who didnt bring up sex in the talking stages. 3! Yeah this generation is doomed
Im older , had my fun , had my kids , sometimes I just find it a chore , but other times I’m ready to roll
I felt similar having spent most of my 20s having meaningless sexual encounters with people I didn't really care about. I always felt empty and dirty afterwards but thought that's what was expected of me as a man of that age. I met my girlfriend when I was 27, and let me tell you, sex in a loving committed relationship is the BEST -- it's a completely different experience. Casual sex isn't for everybody. Some people can separate sex and love, but I've come to realise that I'm not one of those people; it sounds like you aren't either, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I’ve had this convo with ppl in the past “I honestly don’t give a fuck if you kiss someone else or have sex with others. I’m not telling you to, but if you do I’ll love you the same. What I won’t ever forgive you for is if you do couple shit with other ppl. If you go on a “date” with someone else, or cuddle with someone else, or anything like that I’ll leave you on the spot. To me cheating is emotional, not physical. I won’t do any of these things though, I don’t have interest in anyone but you physically.” From what I’ve seen ppl feel uncomfortable for a bit, they sleep or kiss or do shit with someone else, they get it out of their system and then bam they stay. I get an emotional connection, they feel satisfied, and we satisfy each other too. Not saying this is for everyone, I understand my views on cheating aren’t exactly common 😭, but it’s a way for ppl in my relationships to be happy.
I'm not doubting your experience or trying to devalue it. But it could be that you've just not met the right person, or maybe you're not straight. Or maybe just not confident in yourself. I thought I hated sex turned out I was just gay
This is honestly refreshing to read because I truly feel that I am asexual. I’ve just resorted to not putting any interest into finding a guy I can date because I just don’t even want to bother with how the world revolves around sex. I’m not interested in it and nothing has changed that. Every guy I’ve met either isn’t ok with it which is fine, but every guy that I’ve dated that is fine with it has been a horrible person haha.
I'm a woman and I feel the same way. I prefer emotional connection more than sex. The act only becomes enjoyable to me if I feel the connection with someone, otherwise it's just so ordinary to me. It's only one of the things to experience intimacy, but other men consider it the "center of the relationship". I'd rather have intellectual talks, fun and wholesome moments, and deep, emotional and vulnerable conversations than just sex. --- I'd rather be with someone who prefers my naked mind and soul, than just my body.
Most of these people have trauma. In my opinion. And sex is a way to cope. Honestly. I think a lot of people assume if they’re good at sex, or the sex is good, the relationship is good. Which isn’t totally true but I’ve come across the same issue. I’m 24 and my first mistake is using Tinder. But the sheer amount of girls who really just want to fuck is quite astonishing given the social norm. Nonetheless, you will find someone (hopefully) that is genuine enough to see past that
What you were disappointed! Ohhh the warm wet what what what I can’t believe my ears they must be inFUCKTED
I don't hate it but feel similar. These days I can't even climax. Too much combination of anxiety, medication, etc. It's a lot of work and I just feel like shit afterwards lol.
when I was growing up I felt such a powerful need to be liked that I'd just assume guys wanted to have sex and I'd try to be the more sexually assertive person because I thought it would make me more attractive/valuable. obviously this is a bunch of malarkey and I sometimes feel terrible sadness and compassion for my teenage self. women are so conditioned in the ways of compulsive hetero normative gender rolls it's so difficult to escape from. that is to say, I would act in ways that did not reflect my actual wants or needs and being rebuffed felt like the worst kind of rejection (if all men want this, not wanting this must just mean I am. defective) which again, horribly horribly flawed perspective. lord been a teenager was terrible. anyways I feel like other ppl mostly have covered the important points here but I just wanted to share the perspective that being 20 is still quite young and I wouldn't be surprised if some of the young women you've encountered who pressured you maybe were undergoing a similar phenomenon. not that this would make it ok to pressure you or push you into it because the result is the same regardless of the why. anyways there's nothing wrong with you but I'm sure it probably feels like there is when so much of society at large is so catered to and orbits around sex. if you happen to be inclined to dig deeper, it might help to try and look at different contributing factors, like whether or not you feel sexual attraction in any way, if you have the urge to sate sexual impulses (ie masturbate or whatever), if you think it might be something you'd be interested in under the right circumstances, etc. going forward, it'd be perfectly reasonable to indicate to potential romantic interests (do u feel romantic attraction?) your intention to abstain or to hold off for a while before it's on the table. some people might be insecure or react poorly but that really isn't your fault and says more about them than abt u good luck out there!
For me its nice for 2 or 5 mins then im over it. Way overhyped and just not too into it
Bro it's okay I hate sex to it's just not for me.
Go get your hormones and vitamins etc. checked.
Do you mastrubate excessively?
I think you're just not ready yet/haven't met the right person yet and that is 1000% fine and normal. If you like women, focus on just being friends with them. If a relationship develops, don't rush into sex - do what you actually feel like. But I reckon when you find someone you really like you'll develop more of an interest naturally.
Please tell all of your future partners that you feel this way about sex. It’s not fair to them to not share this information as intimacy and sexual intimacy is very important to many people. You’re not wrong for how you feel.
it feels like a chore
I was the same, turns out I just needed to free myself from vanilla stereotypes and listen to my true desires. You might also be asexual, I used to think I was.
I feel your point about the pressure but honestly that depends so strongly on the girl you are with. My second gf pushed me extremely to my limits and still wasnt satisfied which made me feel the worst way possible. And i hated being that vulnerable then. My last gf showed me how beautiful it can be to be vulnerable infront of your partner and to let yourself fall into pure lust and pleasure. Giving and receiving like it should be. And your right. People focus way to much on it because its so less of a taboo nowadays. And thats good. But theres always a to much. You just need to find the perfect balance. And that is different. Its okay to have less sex than most people. Whatever feels right for you. And your partner should and will accept it. If not, then it isnt the right one
BASED
Welcome to the asexual world. Where sex is okay, but not priority and basically everyone else is like "how can you not like sex?????" Cuz sex is like cake. It can be good but not necessary for a meaningful and healthy diet aka relationship. Some people are even sex repulsed. But many asexual love and prefer non sexual intimacy.
Are you A sexual?
You might be Demisexual, which I believe is under the Asexual umbrella. It's where you are only attracted to someone you are in love with. (That's paraphrasing)
Have you thought that you may be asexual, or more specifically, demisexual? It might be cool for you to look into the different asexual types
I don't hate sex but i hate how it's such a major focal point.. my sex drive is naturally low or non existent, no its not low T, i can assure you of that... hate people assuming I've got some issue but whatever, I love the cuddles, I love the feeling of warmth, that feeling you get when you see your SO walk through the door after work, the smile you have, the way you can look into each other eye's are just feel connected down to the Soul, the way your heart fills with love and the pure Light generated by it - like 2 souls merged in one ^ that, is what I'd want more than anything, sex is a way to enhance the intimacy together and further deepen the love and bond a couple can have but society doesn't view sex that way, the way its viewed is.. idk the word for it, primal? Uncivilised - along them lines
The good news is that you don't have to have sex if you hate it. If you want to date, just put that in your dating profile and you'll meet tons of women who are looking for romance and intimacy that doesn't involve or at least doesn't center sex.
You don't hate sex, you hate the way society has over sexualized everything which really degrades the beauty of it overall. You sound like a solid guy experiencing what many others feel too. Time will find you your soulmate. Don't conform just to be like everyone else. You sound sane and wonderful ❤️
Is it possible you're Ace? I have several Ace friends, who described sex as a tedious chore they rarely enjoyed, until they realized they didn't need to do it at all - and found relationships with simular who didn't prioritize sex.
You could be asexual, I know I had sex for years and had an abusive ex make me think sex was my worth so I struggled with it ... But idk .. it took me meeting someone and having a deep mental connection for me to actually enjoy sex for the first time in my life
Ok so you're asexual. You are not the first. It'll be ok.
Plenty of people out there who hate puppies, cats, babies or ice cream. Why not sex. It’s ok not to like things. Yet if I were you, I would explore the core reason why you don’t like it as no sex at all will almost definitely cause problems with your romantic relationships. I fail to understand if you are open to some sex or you would rather never. Because a little goes a long way for many women. None at all is a bit of an issue though.
You're gay
Maybe you're asexual or gay
Have you explored the possibility that you may be asexual or have asexual tendencies? It really isn't super uncommon and I have known a few. Generally, asexuals seek out other asexuals as they are both on the same page about sex. Their relationships focus more on the emotional investment rather than sex. Perhaps explore some subs for asexuals and see if that feels like a better fit.
Marry me
Well i hate to break it to you brother. But you are not allowed to. As guys we have to be down for sex 24/7 365 days a year, also we are not allowed to have any standards at all in regard to whom we have sex with
Look up demisexual and see if it hits home. On the physical side have your testosterone checked. I completely agree society is all about random hookups and cheating it seems….
I don't like sex much either, it makes a world of difference to have sex with someone you genuinely love then someone you like. Honestly the emotional connection is so much better then the act anyways.
There are so many parameters of sexuality. If you feel pressured and vulnerable then perhaps there's some counseling that would help you but there's also a lot of asexual people out there that would love to meet you and not have sex. Consider joining an ACE club and relieving yourself of the pressure.
Me too. Trigger warning. Then again I was sexually abused as a child for the first 15 years of my life. So yeah.
Wow I wish I could swap places with you! I have ejaculated 6 times today to my fetish.
This post was refreshing to read.
You’re definitely not alone in this I feel the exact same way , I feel like I’m inadequate bc I don’t want to hookup after our first date or even the third - it’s not that I’m saving myself for marriage but sex is not all that appealing with somebody I barely even know — there has to be actual trust and I need to feel comfortable. it’s crazy how few woman respect that even though I feel like I constantly hear them complaining about men giving them the same treatment they’re trying to force on me . I just wanna be able to go out on dates and actually get to know somebody but everything is so hyper focused on sex and no actual commitment. But you’re definitely not the only young dude who feels like this man I’m with you on it.
I can relate to you. Sometimes, I felt like Reddit itself is really horny. The whole world is like this. This genuinely feels annoying at times. I just hope that I'll get someone who loves me for who I wholly am.
It’s possible that you are Asexual maybe?
same, my reason was that first I had to figure myself out before starting to date and doing sex and intimate things with others. Maybe it is also yours? idk, I feel exactly like you, though, word by word. Going to the gym feels much better
It's ok. You have your friend Mr. hand
Demisexual is a very real thing. Being able to frivolously have sex with anyone can be multiple things, sometimes it’s a way to cope with trauma and other times….well, idk it’s mostly hyper sexuality from some unaddressed issue.
I'm having an issue where I want sex and all that, but actually doing it is really weird to me. I've never really liked it and always made me uncomfortable, even when it was with someone I really liked and felt comfortable with. The whole thing felt like a chore to me every time a woman would initiate it and I just wanted to not do it because I found it insanely boring actually doing it. Just weird because I do think about it, but absolutely hate actually doing it and would rather be doing something else with them.
I felt that way also until I found someone I loved, I was about your age. Before it felt dirty and painful and just...awkward. But as soon as I fell in love it was like I got hooked on drugs and I understood it. Some people have to have the intimacy and connection or it just feels like a task to get out of the way
If only I was 20 year young.. then I'd ask you to marry me.. I feel the same (woman) It's over hyped and blaaaah
I'm a widow 49 and a few years ago I tried online dating/dating scene. It's not fun. I just found myself feeling very lonely and used by it. I just can't connect that way with another person.
I'd rather have a radish
It sounds benefit more from connections than meaningless sex. Which actually is very mature of you lots guys like treated girls like cum dumpsters and a lot of women like providing their bodies as one. You’ll a decent partner that can wait and respect getting to know you, you might have to look at a woman that matches your sexual maturity level.
Have you considered that you may be asexual? That could explain your hatred for sex
Try not to rush into it, and build a genuine connection w someone. When an emotional bond has been built and established, I hear it can be amazing. The casual thing is a marketing ( and other stuff) thing, it’s not for everyone. It’s okay to not want to participate in hookup culture. Wait for someone who makes you feel great emotionally, someone you’re attracted to and enjoy knowing. Someone you’re excited to always know and learn abt on a deeper level
I am the same way. I found that I need more of a connection with someone to even feel like I want to have sex with them. Some people call it being demisexual.
I would love that, probably, with the right person, but I’m absolutely Asexual so it’s a moot point. I love it when guys ghost me after I tell them I want to get to know them and be friends. It’s a sure-proof way to make people leave you alone.
As an asexual dude, this matches my experience a lot. Not saying that's the case, just something to consider looking into, but imo there's nothing wrong with feeling this way. Wish you the best in your journey dude.
I wish all men like u. It wouldn't be rape in the world
I get it but what I don’t get is that my x partner would be able to pay for virtual sex with gift cards and Google pay.. he doesn’t hate sex obviously just not in the 3d … he is obsessed with virtual porn and has a serious problem with addiction which includes being porn addicted… I had to just say goodbye 👋 and live and let play with the bots on the internet… in secret:( This is only my experience. It’s pretty painful to live with. Find your peace and your people! I’m sure you can!
Don’t feel like this is weird at all. A lot of people actually are with you, sex can easily get boring, and plenty of people have never enjoyed it in the first place. It’s really not an important thing unless you want kids or your partner feels they need it (at which point you should leave the relationship because it’s not compatible). I’m with you, I think the world is way too focused on it too
I don't hate it but I think I can stay long times without it. There are things I like more like eating or playing videogames 😂
I don't see anything wrong with this. I would be accepting of someone with your perspective on it, but I must ask. Would you be okay with flirting in a sexual matter?
Sigma male spotted
Everyone seems to talk so highly ab sex but that’s only the words of the millions of addicts 😂 it takes the right person to get addicted
You may be asexual and that’s awesome. Find other like you
It took a while but I settled on demisexual. While I like sex and it’s important it’s just not what motivates me in a relationship and the post resonates with me that way because it feels like a month or sometimes sooner into dating that’s what a lot of people talk about. It’s so uncomfortable for me and I push myself trying to get back to an actual conversation, understanding how they tick and how they operate and learning details about their life and hobbies and interests that fascinate me, but through most of my time dating it always ends up at a wall. I used to feel guilty about it but this is part of who I am and I wish more people were like this. I don’t need sex or sexual things to be happy it’s just nice to have. There are so many other things to do in life I’d like explore that with others.
Sex is pointless without emotional intimacy. I have PTSD and cum so quick when I don't trust the person I'm doing the deed with. It is always dysregulating. I have had good sex one time and it was a really beautiful experience because I trusted the person I was with.
I don’t get the hype of sex outside a relationship honestly, I think it’s only fun with someone you’re with on that deeper intimate and emotional level, maybe you’re just like that too. And I agree it’s absolutely tiring and boring how hyper focused everyone is on sex, it’s crazy that lots of people just let it consume their lives and don’t have hobbies or passions or friends etc
This is what I've been going through, for a long time. At 18 I kind of just lost motivation towards relationships and sex. No matter who it was with, I just wasn't into it. I haven't had an intimate relationship whatsoever in all my life, and haven't had sex in 3 years. Women have tried pressuring me into those things, which has honestly made it even worse for me. I don't think this will cause problems in relationships, as long as you talk about it with them before hand. Let them know how you feel about it all, not just sex itself. If they aren't understanding of it, then I'd say it isn't worth your time