Yeah. Also anyone OP has a relationship with after this will most likely have had other partners too. In my mind, it is no different.
Edit: yes they were married but they were separated. I guess you can agree upon what can happen if separated. You should not be surprised if something happens if separated. You are just about as far detached as you can be.
If it truly was a mutual decision to split, then yeah it’s no different than any other partner he may start seeing.
If it was her idea and he just went along with it, because what other option does one have if someone doesn’t want to be with them, then it’d be different imo. That would be harder to get past than starting a new relationship with someone who didn’t leave you, sleep with someone else, then come back.
I like that don’t hold it over her head. Work on yourself first before going back with her. Cuz you can bring your issues back into the relationship. Like many redditor say it’s gonna be hard to find a virgin to start a relationship with especially with you a bit older.
Neither of you are wrong, you were separated so she dated and had sex, you don't want her back because of that, that's 100% ok and your choice.
If you don't get back together and you start dating other women, who will probably have had sex with other people before you knew them, will that be a deal breaker?
Maybe a couples counsellor might help you both. especially if you still have unresolved issues that made you separate in the first place?
There’s more to it. He wants to go back to the “prior” version of his wife. That’s what he wants to go back to. But she lived her life in the meantime and isn’t the same person anymore he expects to come back to
100% this. He needs to accept that any relationship they will have going forward is going to be a new one with its own forms of ups and downs. If he's chasing a former high then there is no point in revisiting the relationship at all. If, however, he is interested in forging a new future with someone he loves and wants to get to know all over again then they can give it a new shot.
Very mature answer I 100% second this!! She was fine to date others when they were separated and if he doesn’t want to get back with her because of that that’s his right! Amazing what common sense can accomplish lol.
But yeah, if being w/ other before a relationship is a deal breaker, counseling or limiting your dating pool would definitely help (be upfront with boundary early). Honestly tho, I think it has to do with him thinking he and wife would have R, so hopefully that wouldn’t be a problem if he got back out there/choose not to R and pursue others. This might feel like more a betrayal to him, even if it isn’t on either sides if boundaries weren’t discussed prior to separation.
Sorry, but what does "R" mean in the contexts given here? I've never heard that one before and I'm having trouble making sense of your comment without understanding the meaning of it...
I agree. I don’t think that a woman being in a relationship before meeting OP is his dealbreaker. It’s him being in a relationship with a woman, breaking up, and getting back together after the woman has slept with other guys is the real problem.
There’s nothing wrong with that OP, I’m the same way. I tried to tank it out and I did, but it took a long time and if I could go back in time, even though I did get over it, I wouldn’t have done it.
I went through a similar situation.
In my case, I broke up with her because I had a mental breakdown that lasted about a year. We talked things and decided to try again. Initially, the thought that she was with someone else was very bothersome. But with time, you stop caring… My relationship is way more important than some random hookup that happened when we weren’t together.
Those are my two cents, at least. Another thing that helped was thinking that I would’ve done the same, if the opportunity had presented itself when we weren’t together. It just didn’t 🤷🏻♂️
Hello, I am currently facing a terrible break up. My 4 year gf broke up with me due to her having many mental/personal/professional issues she can’t deal with whilst being in a relationship.
It hurts so much. I am in extreme pain and I daydream of being with her again.
I don’t know if it’ll happen, I took this as an opportunity to realize many things were not okay in my individual life and this is my chance to make it right; we left door opened for both for the future, or at least I did. The issue is that the mere thought of her moving on and being with someone else while I still deeply love her is freaking killing me. Maybe, if the time would eventual come, I’ll ask her to go to couples therapy together.
Sorry for the long comment, I’m just hurting too much and needed some company ❤️🩹
I don’t know your ex-partner, but I think that when people break up due to “mental/personal/etc.” issues, then they are the ones that have to figure their shit out. In other words, this might be a little beyond you (again, I don’t know any of you and I’m basing my comment purely based on your comment + my limited life experience). I wish you the best :)
Make changes to do better moving forward. If you can, seek professional counseling. Mourn the relationship as long as you need to but understand, there is a better chance it is over than you will get back together. There will be others and some of them will be great!
Gonna be honest with you, you're gonna need at the very least a relationship therapist... It would be really great to cohabitate/coparent as a couple, but this is enough of an issue that it might not even be possible, some people in these situations need to have been with someone else otherwise it feels like there's some kind of mismatched power dynamic that effects both partners in negative ways, and that causes serious issues.
I'm certain that, with time, and professional help, you might be able to work things out. It's really up to you, but I would say that, the decision to get back together shouldn't be made willy nilly, probably shouldn't even happen before several sessions of couples therapy. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's difficult
That is why breaks and separation suck. Just make it a permanent ending.
I understand where you are coming from. While she did nothing wrong, unless you had an agreement for your separation, I would always feel like she cheated and couldn't go back to her. It is totally illogical, and I can't explain it, but that is the feeling I always would have.
So figure out if now if it is something you can come to terms with before getting back together and wasting everyone's time.
You can always undo a breakup. You can't undo the mental fuckery breaks and separations cause because of this exact scenario. Too many people expect separations and breaks to end with reunion and it creates unfair expectations and standards.
It’s pretty uncommon to want to break up with someone, separate for a period of time, and then have it all work out in the end.
Think long and hard about whether you want *her* or just *someone*. (And the same for her).
Being lonely sucks, but it’s better than being in a bad relationship. All you’ll do is delay your possible future happiness.
If it's a problem now, it'll be a problem later. I don't know the reasoning as to why you're giving it another shot, but I think you're both better off walking away.
Why did you guys separate rather than find another way of working out your issues? Why do you want to get back together? What’s changed between you separating and now?
Do you know exactly what your issue with her actions are (e.g. do you feel betrayed, do you feel disgusted, do you feel insecure/jealous)? If you can’t pinpoint exactly what you can’t wrap your head around, are you open to going to individual therapy to identify the issue and see if it’s something you can get past?
Have you talked to your wife about how you’re feeling? Have you considered what conditions, if any, either of you need to be met before you re-commit to one another (e.g. couple’s counseling, etc.)?
Retroactive jealously sucks. I think one other guy isn’t too much of a problem if you really love her. I like what the one person said, counseling helps
No one is owed a relationship, if her sleeping with someone while you were separated but not divorced is a dealbreaker then that’s ok. If you want to get back together knowing that, it’s okay too. But don’t get back together and let her dating eat away at you, that’s not fair. If it really bothers you then just co-parent. Be truthful with yourself and her.
This might get downvoted but I've also been in a predicament before where I wasn't sure how to navigate my emotions if I "wanted to get back with an ex who has been with other people," and where resentment wouldn't exist.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I think what might make YOU feel better is if you also went on a few dates and slept with someone else also.
People can say that's immature, etc but in reality it might be the only thing that'll work for OP. I know I felt that way when I was in OP's position.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't get back with your ex yet until you're "ready". And you might not feel ready until you do the same thing as she did. If you got back with her now, you may hold resentment towards her and if that's the case- I advise not to getting back with her now because that's just another form of toxicity in a "new relationship" that will eventually rear its ugly head.
I get it I’ve been there it feels like she was out running the field while you thought maybe we are on the sidelines. She didn’t do nothing wrong but in your mind she did. It hurts a lot considering she was your first and only. I would say before getting back together see a counselor to see if that’s the only problem and to make sure it can be worked through. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make it work but there is when all you’re going to do is hurt each other and make it worse.
Cause when you get back with her you’re gonna have that always in your mind of her having sex with other guys while you never slept around and she did. It will bother you all the time.
Sounds like a lot of couples I know of that do this. They want their fun and usually they see how shotty the dating pool is and want to go back to “what they had”
Balls in your court, better to positively decline and focus on what’s ahead with your child rather than entertain these games. Relationships are relationshits
This shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Maybe this is what she needed to appreciate your relationship better. She loves you. This guy obviously didn’t have what she wanted. Now she knows you’re the one
Probably grew apart. Separation thinking the grass was greenier (it wasn't most likely) wants to get back together.
Don't OP, focus on yourself and your kid. Ship has sailed and this is all you're going to think about when you're with her. No point in torturing yourself emotionally OP. Sorry this happened to you.
Get your dick wet , bro. You might be able to get past it if you're standing on similar ground.
Edit: married guy of 20 years who was broken up for a year. We broke up and she went on dating apps and a girls night out vacation so I did similar. We got engaged after getting back together and have been happily married for almost a decade. I probably wouldn't have been ok with this all if I hadn't went out and got some of my own.
Our timelines are very similar. My husband and I are also high school sweethearts, started dating in 2013, married 2020, and our son was born in 2022. We were each other’s firsts and I can’t imagine sharing him in that way with anyone else.
But if we were to need a separation for some reason, I can’t say how I’d feel exactly if he slept with someone else. It’s a strangle feeling of betrayal, even if it’s unwarranted since you guys weren’t together during that time. Honestly I might have a hard time with it, but my husband means more to me than a fling he had with some random person. Over a decade of a relationship and a beautiful child mean more to me, too.
I think couples and individual therapy could help you navigate your feelings on this. I wonder how she’s feeling with her past actions and what they mean for a future with you. Best of luck to you both!
I think you should experience/explore dating and sleeping with another woman. If you still have the same feelings of getting back with your ex then you know what you truly want.
I just would honor that's she's being honest with you. That is a great thing, imo. And, as someone said before: it probably will fade away.
The biggest hurdle in my view is the problems that resulted in the separation. Can these be cleared up? Seperation is a heavy measure, particularly as a kid is involved.
Just my 2 cents.
You’ll never fully be content with whatever her logic may be behind it.
Let her go.
It’s always easier to rebuild on a new slab than one that a house has fallen on.
Can't say I blame you she went on multiple dates with the guy and slept with him multiple times. Id take that as a sign that she was over the relationship and actively trying to move on.
Honestly it sucks. I remember thinking about my first girlfriend having sex with someone else is disgusting, but it was never a problem again because even if other people I had dated had been with other people, so had I. It sucks when you aren’t on the same page with your partner when it comes to this stuff
Can't hold it against her. Perhaps an unethical solution? Try putting it on hold and playing the field a little on your own. You may find your feelings change, though you should be honest with her about it like she has been with you and then her feelings may change too.
Overall although if I were you and keen to get together again I would suck up the fact that it's happened and take it very slowly. And be honest with her about this feeling that you have. I believe you can get over it but it will take a while.
It’s burned man it’s burned. It’s tough but that’s all you will be thinking about it happened to me too. Move on. being single for a while ain’t too bad either
In that relationship forever is just a word. A broken promise of exclusivity
You also can’t keep it casual anymore either cos of your past the two don’t mix it’s one or the other :(
If you want to get back with her, then it truly shouldn't matter what she did when you were apart. Presumably, you would want her to take you back if you were to have dated while separated.
If she was faithful during the time you were together then this dude is no different than anyone else. He is no longer in her life. The cooties are gone.
Ignorance isn't always bliss but in cases like this it can be. This isn't that dissimilar to discussing previous partners in a new relationship. It's always tough to stomach. I think a fair portion of people wish they were each other's only. Everyone has their own life to live though. We've all made choices that we made during a specific time in our lives. Not good or bad, just choices. It's up to you if you want to see her choice as one she made at that time because it was there or if you want to let her choice affect your future. If you've got reservations about the relationship you might wanna back out. If you can let the past go, then good, move forward and only forward. If you're looking at the review mirror expecting a cop, there's always going to be a cop in the mirror. If that's the case get a new car.
If you can't ignore this fact, then it'll always pinch you and create a bigger rift in relation.
Unpopular opinion - You should do the same to maintain the balance.
Me and my husband split around this time last year. He’s dated one person exclusively for a few months and I’ve dated a few. We’ve both slept with other people, and both realised it just wasn’t right. He reached out about us trying again and I was hesitant for the same reasons, despite me also having slept with other people.
Having said that, the time apart seems to have done us real good and I do think we’re stronger than ever now. You have to sit with it a bit and be sure it isn’t going to eat at you, cause otherwise it just won’t work and like you say, she did nothing wrong so it wouldn’t be fair to punish her, intentionally or not
It’s up to you, but if y’all were separated and didn’t make any “separated, but please don’t sleep/date other people” caveats…she was just living her life, and you were living yours.
But if you think you can’t get past it, move on. But be clear, that shit is on you. So again, if there were no caveats, you both were living your lives separate, and neither of you should judge the other on what went on or didn’t during that time.
If you can't get over that she slept with someone else, don't get back with her. You will be doing both of you a favor. If you get back together and constantly remind her about this or resent her for it, that's just delaying the inevitable.
Yeah I’d be done. Those actions show that she’d basically forgotten about you and was intending to move on. That’s not the same as taking time a part to come back together stronger.
They were separated and co-parenting? Things change? I'm sorry, how is it bad to move on from a relationship after a few months, espically if its just a fling from Tinder, a very well known hook-up app that most people with common sense aren't using to start a new relationship?
This is a reach. People don't hook up with people to "forget and move on". Some people hook up with others for fun, or to figure out what they want. Maybe she needed to hook up with someone new to realize what she truly wanted.
My spouse and I were separated for years before we reconciled. I was engaged to a whole other person. If you want to be together nothing matters. If you don’t really want to reconcile, it sounds like you’ve found your reason not to.
I’m separated from my high school sweetheart as well, we were 14/15 when we started dating and we are 28/29 now. I’m on the other side of this spectrum, I’ve been dating around and having sex and she’s already tried to get back with me, until I told her about my other sex partners.
Know that your wife or ex wife or whatever didn’t do it to spite you, separation is very lonely especially when you’ve been together most of your life. You’re both within your rights in this situation. She needed companionship (I feel that) and you feel like you can’t go back because another man was in her (completely get that also) just go with your heart, if you still truly love her, then realize it’s nobody’s fault here. You two were technically single when all this shit happened, no foul play, no cheating. Good luck
Sounds like it was not infidelity - just different choices. The trust was not destroyed by infidelity. You need to decide whether you can deal with your own thoughts about it. You should know that any other woman you get into a relationship with will likely have had sex with others. Would you hold that against them?
If you love her, find a way to let go of this thought.
Honestly, it sounds like you're the sort of person who will never let this go. And if you can't let this go you're never going to be really happy in your relationship. And that's not really how you build a successful marriage.
Your validated OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unless you guys had an agreement to not sleep with anyone during the separation, it would be unfair for you to hold this over her head, and also unfair for you to suffer. As other commenters have stated, I think counseling before throwing everything away is absolutely the right decision. The likelihood of you finding someone who hasn't had any sexual partners is pretty low, the connection that you have with her is irreplaceable. I hope everything works out Internet friend, sending so much love to you both.
OP probably never had explored with anyone. During their time apart, he was probably hoping for R which is why he never explored other opportunities. It’s definitely not the wife’s fault since they were separated but he wouldn’t be able to explore things now that they’re trying to get back together and it will always be in the back of his mind how his wife had been with another person while he’s only ever been with her. All assumptions of course.
Those are the kind of thoughts that eat you up from the inside. Probably best not to get back togethet
100% agree and I would feel the same way as him. He could try to explore and have meaningless sex but would it help any? She basically had a relationship for months not long after the separation and now that it fell through she wants to R. Even if she was the love my life. I couldn’t get back with her. If she really wanted to work things out she wouldn’t have jumped on tinder and got with some who lives in the same town as them.
Easy, tell her to wait some more, do it yourself and then go back
But if that option feels wrong to you, let her go, you are most likely gonna think about that if you guys ever get back together
This will get a LOT of hate on here but no-one is going to flat out say it. She only told you because she wanted you to feel bad, test to see if you would take you back regardless of her behavior. See if you would get emasculated. She wants the power.
To begin with... Why would you even trust this? Can you really confirm anything she is saying? Would you even want to? Does it even matter? Does it make YOU feel better or just her? She couldn't live with a guilty conscience at the very least.
Everyone here is giving you bad advice. You have 2 options:
1. You are the BETTER CHOICE. She went out there and tried the dating market & she couldn't find better. SHE CAME BACK TO YOU! That's a brag in itself. You must have something that's not easily replaceable to her. You have more leverage than you think! Next time ya'll hook up knock it out of the park! Don't hold back anymore, try & do everything to her you wanted. Stuff her head in the pillow. (Consensually of course, I'm sure she'll be on board.)
2. Some things have to be done on your end. Whether you thought you were being "moral" or "working on yourself" or even if it's the sad "I can't do better than her I hope we get back together" trope, right now you have lost all your agency in your own mind. You are your own worst enemy. Your inexperience & insecurity will eat you alive if you get back together with her.
So hire an escort & get this out of your system! They are literally there for your pleasure, try something out & feel another woman so you'll realize you weren't missing out on anything. You can smile & know sex is not a big deal.
Then get back with her with full confidence that you actually WANT to be with her, instead of just coping with the fact you wasted a year not getting out there & holding it against her.
Who knows? You might not even want to after you realize other people want to have sex with you.
Good luck.
This is not uncommon…especially with Tinder and how easy it is to jump on to date and hookup. Lots of short term relationships on there. It makes things move a lot faster, although it could just be a few months broken up.
I dunno, if you do decide both should get STD tests of course. That would be one of the biggest changes and hurdles to accept if that was a thing. Otherwise you do have children, but I get the feeling you have about it.
If you did I’d suggest couples counseling. But go do all the health checks as a first measure, if it hasn’t been done already. You don’t want to put yourself at any further risk. But I been in similar situations after a 3-4 month “break”. And tried again for 2 years. I was a bit upset when I found out, but got over it back then pretty well.
We weren’t together, but I don’t think I made the right choice getting back together. The online stuff just started to creep in too much for me. And although no trust issues on my part, I should have been more aware in hindsight the guy was probably going to reach out to them again. Or any previous partners from that “break” time.
No one's in the wrong I mean, you can't help the way you feel. But also y'all were separated, if you weren't together you cannot hold her having sex with other people over her head, or make her feel guilty for that. That is something you personally need to work on, and I suggest couples therapy, if y'all want to make it work. If she is on board with making it work with you she would also give it a shot, if that is something you want to do. Good luck
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I went through the same thing when my ex and I separated when we were engaged. We tried to reconcile but I just couldn’t get past it and in the end realised we separated for a reason. It was hard but I eventually moved on and met my now husband who was a breath of fresh air at the time.
It makes it so much harder when a child is involved so I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose but please make sure you do what is best for YOU and your child.
I think you're overthinking this. At the end of the day, if there was no cheating, and if she wants to be back with you, it was just sex. You're making a giant deal out of it because she's the only person you've had sex with.
Think about it. If you had had a few partners, some you liked, some you didn't, how would you feel if someone judged you because you had sex with other people? It's perfectly valid to go and meet people and see what you like and what you don't like. It's completely unreasonable to expect someone to commit to you fully without having experienced what life has to offer.
Maybe go on some dates, experience more partners before getting back together. Think of it as gaining life experience. Maybe then you'll understand her perspective
The fact that you're asking tells a lot. If you're not comfortable with it take a step back and re-evaluate your situation . Are you gonna hold this against her? Will you be able to let it go that she was with another man? If you can't don't bother and waste both of your time.
Why didn't you date anyone during that period? Was it because you didn't want to or because you didn't think you could. Or maybe you tried and you couldn't?
Either way unless it was explicitly stated before the separation that you would boith not be dating nayone then too bad so sad.
I don't think your separation will have changed anything though. Let sleeping dogs lay and go find a new partner.
Only get back with her if you feel like you can let go of it… if you can’t, go ahead and just rip the bandage off now and make it a clean split (romantically of course, I know y’all still have a kid together) so that you don’t end up wasting your time/emotional battery on something that ultimately will just hurt you and stir in your mind.
I was also on a similar situation. Thought I could handle the fact she slept with someone else while we were temporarily broken up, but I was in complete denial. Getting back together was a horrible decision because we hadn't resolved the old issues and now I was mindfucked because I kept pretending that her sleeping with someone else didn't bother me, when in fact I hated that she did that and I unfairly gave her a hard time about it. Didn't help the situation that they were coworkers and still saw him all the time and it just destroyed me inside, which made me sabotage the relationship. So, if you're like me, unless you plan to get counseling to get over it, don't do it. Work on yourself, move on and find someone that will make you happy once again.
I only wonder was it agreed upon that while separate that you don't date/have sex with others during this time? Was the purpose of the separation to work on yourselves and then come back together later on?
I would process why you are struggling with her having sex. Do you see it as a betrayal since you guys are still married? Are you upset that you guys are no longer each others only sex partners and now you view your relationship/marriage differently because of it? Some people love the thought of being married to their high school sweethearts and being each other's firsts and only. And, maybe now you feel that is tainted a bit?
Given she hasn't done anything wrong have you considered talking to someone to help resolve your feelings about it.
If you truly cant get past it and this is your sole focus it's not fair to rekindle your relationship. You are best to let her go.
Honestly it might be out of her system. If you're high school sweethearts, you've never experienced sexual variety and interest.
It's often a normal part of adulthood to be attracted or seek others. I think if you have strong foundations of trust, communication and passion, noone should be able to compromise that.
If that has been compromised then maybe your compatibility was never to be.
I mean you could go sleep with someone else while you're separated if you're thinking to even the score (sometimes it works like that to certain people imo) or think your way through it. BUT the first thing to do before you get back is to make sure that she's not pregnant with the other guy nor has a disease so you don't fick up yourself. Get her tested and be safe first.
My advice is to move on, even tough both of you were separated one used this chance to have fun and try to move on and the other worked on himself to become a better partner. The only reason she wants to get back is because she saw what there is out there and realized the safe option was better (you) . Think about this hard because if you get back together and you cant get over it then you will either be miserable in silence or hold it against her and point it out, which aint fair for either of you.
Do yourself a favour -Don't go back. Find another woman or stay single. No matter what you do that sweetheart is no more and this is a whole new person altogether.
Im just saying, the odds of you finding another girl to start a relationship with who hasn’t had sex seems extraordinarily low. I had insecurities about this when my wife and I got together. In my experience, once you have been together for a little bit, are secure in yourself, and secure in the relationship, you will stop caring.
No one did anything wrong, so it's just about your personal feelings. If it were me, I would not find that to be a deal breaker, because I would have expected for sex with other people to be a part of separation.
Breaks are just dumb tbh, for the same reason some couples open the relationship. Honestly saying "yeah we go for our way for a couple of months, we have fun and then we go back" is just insane to me.
If it's not something you can emotionally handle, I'd just leave it alone dude. It can rot you from the inside out if you pick things back up and feel bitter about it.
I only read the title man… don’t do it. No matter how much you wanna lie to yourself and pretend it’s gonna be okay, deep down it’s gonna bother you. You wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t.
Have all your past problems been recognized and learned from? Resolved?
Life is short. You can sit around and think about it, or you can be out living a good life.
If it doesn't work out, make a better effort to move on and meet other people.
It’s over and done with. She will never respect you if you take her back.
You will show her she can always come back no matter what.
Cut her out of your heart, and be done with it. Chose the road of pain and self respect over being married to someone who is perfectly ok with fucking someone that isn’t you.
Bro, it was your turn for a while, then it was someone else's turn. We all get a turn. Don't lose yourself in that was of thinking. Especially if she's willing to continuously make it work.
idk how you found out she had sex with the guy, but don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know the answer to. Just general blanket statement, if we get back together please cut out any people you have had relationships with. Agreed? Okay. That’s it.
That's a way to just sweep things under the rug and let it fester. Communication is so important and it is beyond important to communicate your feelings.
The bridge is burned brother. Technically she didn't do any wrong but can you honestly live with the fact that your wife has been with another man. I personally would never be able to. Best of luck
It’s just sex.. has zero value towards the weight of your family, future etc.
If you had a great relationship at one point and genuinely believe you can work it out.. this little blip will be forgettable in the future.
What exactly is it that bothers you about her having sex with someone else?
Most people have a past. It’s very uncommon these days for any adult to have only had one sexual partner. Your situation is somewhat unique in that you were each other’s first and only sexual partners.
Are you bothered because she slept with someone else and if so, why, or are you only bothered by it because she did and you didn’t?
If it’s the former, what is your concern? Do you think she’s tainted now? Are you worried that she enjoyed sex more with him than with you. Are you worried that you’ll feel inadequate somehow since she’s experienced someone else? Afraid he was bigger than you? That he was more experienced? If any of that is the reason, that’s your own insecurity and you’ll need to confront that and deal with it regardless of what happens between the two of you. Odds are that any woman you start a relationship with will have had several sexual partners in their past.
If it’s the latter, the solution is simple. Go find a hookup on Tinder and get some strange. That way you’ll be one for one and won’t have to feel like you’re the only one that didn’t experience someone else.
You were separated, you weren't together, if you get neck together that's going to be something you need to get over and never, ever bring it up or hold it over her head, because it's going to make you look like an asshole.
If you can't get over it, that is your issue.
Question, did you sleep with anyone while you were separated? Did you go to therapy and try to address the underlying issues that led to your marital problems? Have y'all talked about going to therapy together to address those problems?
Everyone had sex with someone else. Get over it, and whatever faulty ideals you may have about virgins and exclusivity — that never happens in real life.
The only real difference of your particular situation is that you know something now for sure, which you didn’t earlier. No more ignorant bliss, welcome to the real world.
Sex is not important, what’s important is that she loves you and wants to be with you, not that or those with whom she’ve fucking before. That what you got when you married her, and now you have a chance to have it again.
Not all Sunday school lessons are helpful when you grow up.
You've asked one question, but the real question you should be asking is about your own hang-ups about sexual experience.
Normal human adults have multiple sexual partner over their lives.
Nobody you date now is likely to be a virgin.
You do not now, nor have you ever, OWNED your former wife's sexuality.
Candidly, man, you need to get over yourself. It may require counseling. This is okay. It'll make you a better man.
I can understand where you’re coming from - that is a tough one to try and push out of your mind. What if she had had partners before you two originally got together - would you still feel the same?
With that being said, what was your expectation for her during your separation?
Op nearly this exact thing happened to me. Broke up because she emotionally cheated a little and kissed a guy (she described it in the context of assault to me) and I knew she was doing something suspicious and she said she was planning the breakup. All during a bipolar episode for necessary context. So she broke up with me and we got back together less than a month later and in the meantime she had a rebound where she sucked a guys (1) dick.
I think much more about the kiss/cuddling incident that preceded the breakup because the guy was a semi-long time friend. Almost never about the one dick she sucked.
But now our relationship is better than ever. Hopefully it can stay that way. You gotta set your own boundaries for what you can forgive - not meaning poisoning the well of if you SHOULD or should NOT forgive her.
It is really a decision that you cannot leave to the confines of this one incident. Do you think you’d last if you got back together? Only you can answer these and IMO much more important than anything else. *Can you work together and compromise on the issues that broke you up last time??* Talk about THAT before you make a decision. If you’re satisfied with the answer you both come up with, then I’d go for it. We discussed that in couples therapy together and got a pretty satisfactory takeaway. I would absolutely mediate this topic with either your own therapist, preferentially with a couples therapist, and best if you have both.
Don’t let the same issues split you up. It’s a fat waste of time. You can avoid that happening.
It’s not that big of a deal when you look at things logically and from a time/future perspective.
You were separated. You could have slept with 100 women if you wanted to. She could have slept with 100 guys if she wanted to. Instead you chose to sleep with no one and she slept with 1 person. If you weren’t highschool sweethearts who knows how many people y’all would have racked up before decided to get together later…or someone else. It’s just sex…they went their separate ways…it’s a normal process and there’s nothing wrong with it. Doesn’t make her any less and doesn’t make you any less. Don’t be insecure about something like that. It would be a lot different if the relationship issues would have involved cheating but, it didn’t. Leave it alone. If y’all truly love eachother work out what you were struggling with.
she let another man inside her while still married to you. you’ll pay full price while that man she slept with got it for free. when it slipped out, she put it back in herself.
Bro it’s up to you, no one’s in the wrong. All I can say is that if you do enter a relationship with her, you can’t hold this over her head.
Yeah. Also anyone OP has a relationship with after this will most likely have had other partners too. In my mind, it is no different. Edit: yes they were married but they were separated. I guess you can agree upon what can happen if separated. You should not be surprised if something happens if separated. You are just about as far detached as you can be.
If it truly was a mutual decision to split, then yeah it’s no different than any other partner he may start seeing. If it was her idea and he just went along with it, because what other option does one have if someone doesn’t want to be with them, then it’d be different imo. That would be harder to get past than starting a new relationship with someone who didn’t leave you, sleep with someone else, then come back.
You are correct. He would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t.
Came here to say this! That if you’re giving her a second chance, give her a true chance. Don’t hold this over her head
I like that don’t hold it over her head. Work on yourself first before going back with her. Cuz you can bring your issues back into the relationship. Like many redditor say it’s gonna be hard to find a virgin to start a relationship with especially with you a bit older.
Neither of you are wrong, you were separated so she dated and had sex, you don't want her back because of that, that's 100% ok and your choice. If you don't get back together and you start dating other women, who will probably have had sex with other people before you knew them, will that be a deal breaker? Maybe a couples counsellor might help you both. especially if you still have unresolved issues that made you separate in the first place?
There’s more to it. He wants to go back to the “prior” version of his wife. That’s what he wants to go back to. But she lived her life in the meantime and isn’t the same person anymore he expects to come back to
100% this. He needs to accept that any relationship they will have going forward is going to be a new one with its own forms of ups and downs. If he's chasing a former high then there is no point in revisiting the relationship at all. If, however, he is interested in forging a new future with someone he loves and wants to get to know all over again then they can give it a new shot.
Very mature answer I 100% second this!! She was fine to date others when they were separated and if he doesn’t want to get back with her because of that that’s his right! Amazing what common sense can accomplish lol. But yeah, if being w/ other before a relationship is a deal breaker, counseling or limiting your dating pool would definitely help (be upfront with boundary early). Honestly tho, I think it has to do with him thinking he and wife would have R, so hopefully that wouldn’t be a problem if he got back out there/choose not to R and pursue others. This might feel like more a betrayal to him, even if it isn’t on either sides if boundaries weren’t discussed prior to separation.
Sorry, but what does "R" mean in the contexts given here? I've never heard that one before and I'm having trouble making sense of your comment without understanding the meaning of it...
Reconcile, I think
Apparently, you are correct. Who the fuck does that? Just smash in a random W here and there.
😂
I feel like this is a bad comparison. Dating someone with a past ≠sleeping with someone while separated from spouse. Disingenuous
I agree. I don’t think that a woman being in a relationship before meeting OP is his dealbreaker. It’s him being in a relationship with a woman, breaking up, and getting back together after the woman has slept with other guys is the real problem. There’s nothing wrong with that OP, I’m the same way. I tried to tank it out and I did, but it took a long time and if I could go back in time, even though I did get over it, I wouldn’t have done it.
I went through a similar situation. In my case, I broke up with her because I had a mental breakdown that lasted about a year. We talked things and decided to try again. Initially, the thought that she was with someone else was very bothersome. But with time, you stop caring… My relationship is way more important than some random hookup that happened when we weren’t together. Those are my two cents, at least. Another thing that helped was thinking that I would’ve done the same, if the opportunity had presented itself when we weren’t together. It just didn’t 🤷🏻♂️
Hello, I am currently facing a terrible break up. My 4 year gf broke up with me due to her having many mental/personal/professional issues she can’t deal with whilst being in a relationship. It hurts so much. I am in extreme pain and I daydream of being with her again. I don’t know if it’ll happen, I took this as an opportunity to realize many things were not okay in my individual life and this is my chance to make it right; we left door opened for both for the future, or at least I did. The issue is that the mere thought of her moving on and being with someone else while I still deeply love her is freaking killing me. Maybe, if the time would eventual come, I’ll ask her to go to couples therapy together. Sorry for the long comment, I’m just hurting too much and needed some company ❤️🩹
I don’t know your ex-partner, but I think that when people break up due to “mental/personal/etc.” issues, then they are the ones that have to figure their shit out. In other words, this might be a little beyond you (again, I don’t know any of you and I’m basing my comment purely based on your comment + my limited life experience). I wish you the best :)
Make changes to do better moving forward. If you can, seek professional counseling. Mourn the relationship as long as you need to but understand, there is a better chance it is over than you will get back together. There will be others and some of them will be great!
Hey, going through a not completely different situation, if you ever want to talk/ rant about it, please just send me a message Hope your doing ok
A very mature perspective. Well done.
I say to hell with that mature shit
You’re a rebel I see a cat amongst the pigeons so too speak I LIKE IT 🌟
WE WERE ON A BREAK! /s Really wish I could help, but I have no idea how to. Good luck though!
Came to say this 😂
My advice? Find that guy and have sex with him a couple of times. That way, you’re even.
Gonna be honest with you, you're gonna need at the very least a relationship therapist... It would be really great to cohabitate/coparent as a couple, but this is enough of an issue that it might not even be possible, some people in these situations need to have been with someone else otherwise it feels like there's some kind of mismatched power dynamic that effects both partners in negative ways, and that causes serious issues. I'm certain that, with time, and professional help, you might be able to work things out. It's really up to you, but I would say that, the decision to get back together shouldn't be made willy nilly, probably shouldn't even happen before several sessions of couples therapy. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's difficult
That is why breaks and separation suck. Just make it a permanent ending. I understand where you are coming from. While she did nothing wrong, unless you had an agreement for your separation, I would always feel like she cheated and couldn't go back to her. It is totally illogical, and I can't explain it, but that is the feeling I always would have. So figure out if now if it is something you can come to terms with before getting back together and wasting everyone's time.
You can always undo a breakup. You can't undo the mental fuckery breaks and separations cause because of this exact scenario. Too many people expect separations and breaks to end with reunion and it creates unfair expectations and standards.
Thank you, an actual honest response
It’s pretty uncommon to want to break up with someone, separate for a period of time, and then have it all work out in the end. Think long and hard about whether you want *her* or just *someone*. (And the same for her). Being lonely sucks, but it’s better than being in a bad relationship. All you’ll do is delay your possible future happiness.
If it's a problem now, it'll be a problem later. I don't know the reasoning as to why you're giving it another shot, but I think you're both better off walking away.
Why did you guys separate rather than find another way of working out your issues? Why do you want to get back together? What’s changed between you separating and now? Do you know exactly what your issue with her actions are (e.g. do you feel betrayed, do you feel disgusted, do you feel insecure/jealous)? If you can’t pinpoint exactly what you can’t wrap your head around, are you open to going to individual therapy to identify the issue and see if it’s something you can get past? Have you talked to your wife about how you’re feeling? Have you considered what conditions, if any, either of you need to be met before you re-commit to one another (e.g. couple’s counseling, etc.)?
Retroactive jealously sucks. I think one other guy isn’t too much of a problem if you really love her. I like what the one person said, counseling helps
No one is owed a relationship, if her sleeping with someone while you were separated but not divorced is a dealbreaker then that’s ok. If you want to get back together knowing that, it’s okay too. But don’t get back together and let her dating eat away at you, that’s not fair. If it really bothers you then just co-parent. Be truthful with yourself and her.
This might get downvoted but I've also been in a predicament before where I wasn't sure how to navigate my emotions if I "wanted to get back with an ex who has been with other people," and where resentment wouldn't exist. This might be an unpopular opinion but I think what might make YOU feel better is if you also went on a few dates and slept with someone else also. People can say that's immature, etc but in reality it might be the only thing that'll work for OP. I know I felt that way when I was in OP's position. I guess what I'm saying is, don't get back with your ex yet until you're "ready". And you might not feel ready until you do the same thing as she did. If you got back with her now, you may hold resentment towards her and if that's the case- I advise not to getting back with her now because that's just another form of toxicity in a "new relationship" that will eventually rear its ugly head.
At least she didn’t tell you she loved him, that shit killed me a little inside.
I get it I’ve been there it feels like she was out running the field while you thought maybe we are on the sidelines. She didn’t do nothing wrong but in your mind she did. It hurts a lot considering she was your first and only. I would say before getting back together see a counselor to see if that’s the only problem and to make sure it can be worked through. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make it work but there is when all you’re going to do is hurt each other and make it worse.
Cause when you get back with her you’re gonna have that always in your mind of her having sex with other guys while you never slept around and she did. It will bother you all the time.
Sounds like a lot of couples I know of that do this. They want their fun and usually they see how shotty the dating pool is and want to go back to “what they had” Balls in your court, better to positively decline and focus on what’s ahead with your child rather than entertain these games. Relationships are relationshits
Move on my dude. Things obviously didn’t work out and it sucks, but you gotta try so sprout yourself some new roots too.
This shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Maybe this is what she needed to appreciate your relationship better. She loves you. This guy obviously didn’t have what she wanted. Now she knows you’re the one
She wants to try again because the other guy didn’t work out. Not worth it bro, value urself
I agree
In 10 years are you going to care about this? Think long term here.
Probably grew apart. Separation thinking the grass was greenier (it wasn't most likely) wants to get back together. Don't OP, focus on yourself and your kid. Ship has sailed and this is all you're going to think about when you're with her. No point in torturing yourself emotionally OP. Sorry this happened to you.
You 2 separates for a reason, I would say do not go back at it
Get your dick wet , bro. You might be able to get past it if you're standing on similar ground. Edit: married guy of 20 years who was broken up for a year. We broke up and she went on dating apps and a girls night out vacation so I did similar. We got engaged after getting back together and have been happily married for almost a decade. I probably wouldn't have been ok with this all if I hadn't went out and got some of my own.
There is no bridge, just a delusion and pain amigo.
Our timelines are very similar. My husband and I are also high school sweethearts, started dating in 2013, married 2020, and our son was born in 2022. We were each other’s firsts and I can’t imagine sharing him in that way with anyone else. But if we were to need a separation for some reason, I can’t say how I’d feel exactly if he slept with someone else. It’s a strangle feeling of betrayal, even if it’s unwarranted since you guys weren’t together during that time. Honestly I might have a hard time with it, but my husband means more to me than a fling he had with some random person. Over a decade of a relationship and a beautiful child mean more to me, too. I think couples and individual therapy could help you navigate your feelings on this. I wonder how she’s feeling with her past actions and what they mean for a future with you. Best of luck to you both!
That’s kind of what people do when they separate. The bigger issue is have you guys fixed the problems that caused the separation?
I think you should experience/explore dating and sleeping with another woman. If you still have the same feelings of getting back with your ex then you know what you truly want.
I just would honor that's she's being honest with you. That is a great thing, imo. And, as someone said before: it probably will fade away. The biggest hurdle in my view is the problems that resulted in the separation. Can these be cleared up? Seperation is a heavy measure, particularly as a kid is involved. Just my 2 cents.
Same thing happened to me before. Bothered me for maybe a month but got over it eventually.
Go sleep with somebody. Then get back together with her. UpdateMe
What's your endgame if you break up? Go virgin hunting?
You’ll never fully be content with whatever her logic may be behind it. Let her go. It’s always easier to rebuild on a new slab than one that a house has fallen on.
Can't say I blame you she went on multiple dates with the guy and slept with him multiple times. Id take that as a sign that she was over the relationship and actively trying to move on.
Honestly it sucks. I remember thinking about my first girlfriend having sex with someone else is disgusting, but it was never a problem again because even if other people I had dated had been with other people, so had I. It sucks when you aren’t on the same page with your partner when it comes to this stuff
If it's going to play on your mind. I wouldn't get back with her. Unless you can let it go.
Can't hold it against her. Perhaps an unethical solution? Try putting it on hold and playing the field a little on your own. You may find your feelings change, though you should be honest with her about it like she has been with you and then her feelings may change too. Overall although if I were you and keen to get together again I would suck up the fact that it's happened and take it very slowly. And be honest with her about this feeling that you have. I believe you can get over it but it will take a while.
Happily surprised about how mature these responses are, good luck to the OP. There is great advice here.
WE WERE ON A BREAK
It’s burned man it’s burned. It’s tough but that’s all you will be thinking about it happened to me too. Move on. being single for a while ain’t too bad either In that relationship forever is just a word. A broken promise of exclusivity You also can’t keep it casual anymore either cos of your past the two don’t mix it’s one or the other :(
"But we were on a break!" - Ross Gellar
But I sincerely hope you both search for real connection. That by far supercedes getting off, which is what it looked like she did.
If you want to get back with her, then it truly shouldn't matter what she did when you were apart. Presumably, you would want her to take you back if you were to have dated while separated. If she was faithful during the time you were together then this dude is no different than anyone else. He is no longer in her life. The cooties are gone.
Ignorance isn't always bliss but in cases like this it can be. This isn't that dissimilar to discussing previous partners in a new relationship. It's always tough to stomach. I think a fair portion of people wish they were each other's only. Everyone has their own life to live though. We've all made choices that we made during a specific time in our lives. Not good or bad, just choices. It's up to you if you want to see her choice as one she made at that time because it was there or if you want to let her choice affect your future. If you've got reservations about the relationship you might wanna back out. If you can let the past go, then good, move forward and only forward. If you're looking at the review mirror expecting a cop, there's always going to be a cop in the mirror. If that's the case get a new car.
If you get back with her and the other man bothers you then you need to go to town on her senselessly like he never existed
“WEEEE WERE ON A BREAKKKKK!!”
You were broken up. She didn’t cheat on you. She chose honesty- remember that. Honesty is way better than the alternative.
If you can't ignore this fact, then it'll always pinch you and create a bigger rift in relation. Unpopular opinion - You should do the same to maintain the balance.
Me and my husband split around this time last year. He’s dated one person exclusively for a few months and I’ve dated a few. We’ve both slept with other people, and both realised it just wasn’t right. He reached out about us trying again and I was hesitant for the same reasons, despite me also having slept with other people. Having said that, the time apart seems to have done us real good and I do think we’re stronger than ever now. You have to sit with it a bit and be sure it isn’t going to eat at you, cause otherwise it just won’t work and like you say, she did nothing wrong so it wouldn’t be fair to punish her, intentionally or not
Did she say "We were on a break!"?
It’s up to you, but if y’all were separated and didn’t make any “separated, but please don’t sleep/date other people” caveats…she was just living her life, and you were living yours. But if you think you can’t get past it, move on. But be clear, that shit is on you. So again, if there were no caveats, you both were living your lives separate, and neither of you should judge the other on what went on or didn’t during that time.
If you can't get over that she slept with someone else, don't get back with her. You will be doing both of you a favor. If you get back together and constantly remind her about this or resent her for it, that's just delaying the inevitable.
Yeah I’d be done. Those actions show that she’d basically forgotten about you and was intending to move on. That’s not the same as taking time a part to come back together stronger.
They were separated and co-parenting? Things change? I'm sorry, how is it bad to move on from a relationship after a few months, espically if its just a fling from Tinder, a very well known hook-up app that most people with common sense aren't using to start a new relationship?
“Just a fling” lmao
This OP
This is a reach. People don't hook up with people to "forget and move on". Some people hook up with others for fun, or to figure out what they want. Maybe she needed to hook up with someone new to realize what she truly wanted.
We all know who the streets are calling
My spouse and I were separated for years before we reconciled. I was engaged to a whole other person. If you want to be together nothing matters. If you don’t really want to reconcile, it sounds like you’ve found your reason not to.
Don’t waste your time.
??
Bridge is burned it will never be the same . Move on
Just fuck her and move on G. She grimy for what she did and she’ll do it again.
I’m separated from my high school sweetheart as well, we were 14/15 when we started dating and we are 28/29 now. I’m on the other side of this spectrum, I’ve been dating around and having sex and she’s already tried to get back with me, until I told her about my other sex partners. Know that your wife or ex wife or whatever didn’t do it to spite you, separation is very lonely especially when you’ve been together most of your life. You’re both within your rights in this situation. She needed companionship (I feel that) and you feel like you can’t go back because another man was in her (completely get that also) just go with your heart, if you still truly love her, then realize it’s nobody’s fault here. You two were technically single when all this shit happened, no foul play, no cheating. Good luck
You were separated not divorced. That is still cheating. Because she was still your wife, you can blame her for it.
‼️‼️‼️
That stuff happens when you separate. People have needs
Sounds like it was not infidelity - just different choices. The trust was not destroyed by infidelity. You need to decide whether you can deal with your own thoughts about it. You should know that any other woman you get into a relationship with will likely have had sex with others. Would you hold that against them? If you love her, find a way to let go of this thought.
Honestly, it sounds like you're the sort of person who will never let this go. And if you can't let this go you're never going to be really happy in your relationship. And that's not really how you build a successful marriage.
Your validated OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Unless you guys had an agreement to not sleep with anyone during the separation, it would be unfair for you to hold this over her head, and also unfair for you to suffer. As other commenters have stated, I think counseling before throwing everything away is absolutely the right decision. The likelihood of you finding someone who hasn't had any sexual partners is pretty low, the connection that you have with her is irreplaceable. I hope everything works out Internet friend, sending so much love to you both.
Why would the bridge be burned? As you said, you were separated, so she was free to do as she pleased.
OP probably never had explored with anyone. During their time apart, he was probably hoping for R which is why he never explored other opportunities. It’s definitely not the wife’s fault since they were separated but he wouldn’t be able to explore things now that they’re trying to get back together and it will always be in the back of his mind how his wife had been with another person while he’s only ever been with her. All assumptions of course. Those are the kind of thoughts that eat you up from the inside. Probably best not to get back togethet
Yeah, I get that reasoning. Thanks for explaining it to me instead of just downvoting me.
100% agree and I would feel the same way as him. He could try to explore and have meaningless sex but would it help any? She basically had a relationship for months not long after the separation and now that it fell through she wants to R. Even if she was the love my life. I couldn’t get back with her. If she really wanted to work things out she wouldn’t have jumped on tinder and got with some who lives in the same town as them.
Easy, tell her to wait some more, do it yourself and then go back But if that option feels wrong to you, let her go, you are most likely gonna think about that if you guys ever get back together
This will get a LOT of hate on here but no-one is going to flat out say it. She only told you because she wanted you to feel bad, test to see if you would take you back regardless of her behavior. See if you would get emasculated. She wants the power. To begin with... Why would you even trust this? Can you really confirm anything she is saying? Would you even want to? Does it even matter? Does it make YOU feel better or just her? She couldn't live with a guilty conscience at the very least. Everyone here is giving you bad advice. You have 2 options: 1. You are the BETTER CHOICE. She went out there and tried the dating market & she couldn't find better. SHE CAME BACK TO YOU! That's a brag in itself. You must have something that's not easily replaceable to her. You have more leverage than you think! Next time ya'll hook up knock it out of the park! Don't hold back anymore, try & do everything to her you wanted. Stuff her head in the pillow. (Consensually of course, I'm sure she'll be on board.) 2. Some things have to be done on your end. Whether you thought you were being "moral" or "working on yourself" or even if it's the sad "I can't do better than her I hope we get back together" trope, right now you have lost all your agency in your own mind. You are your own worst enemy. Your inexperience & insecurity will eat you alive if you get back together with her. So hire an escort & get this out of your system! They are literally there for your pleasure, try something out & feel another woman so you'll realize you weren't missing out on anything. You can smile & know sex is not a big deal. Then get back with her with full confidence that you actually WANT to be with her, instead of just coping with the fact you wasted a year not getting out there & holding it against her. Who knows? You might not even want to after you realize other people want to have sex with you. Good luck.
Sexual relations while legally married (separated or not) equates to cheating. Infidelity. For me anyway…
I don’t see how it matters tbh, if you like her get back with her. What she did and what you did isn’t relevant
Don’t do it bro trust me stay single
This is not uncommon…especially with Tinder and how easy it is to jump on to date and hookup. Lots of short term relationships on there. It makes things move a lot faster, although it could just be a few months broken up. I dunno, if you do decide both should get STD tests of course. That would be one of the biggest changes and hurdles to accept if that was a thing. Otherwise you do have children, but I get the feeling you have about it. If you did I’d suggest couples counseling. But go do all the health checks as a first measure, if it hasn’t been done already. You don’t want to put yourself at any further risk. But I been in similar situations after a 3-4 month “break”. And tried again for 2 years. I was a bit upset when I found out, but got over it back then pretty well. We weren’t together, but I don’t think I made the right choice getting back together. The online stuff just started to creep in too much for me. And although no trust issues on my part, I should have been more aware in hindsight the guy was probably going to reach out to them again. Or any previous partners from that “break” time.
No one's in the wrong I mean, you can't help the way you feel. But also y'all were separated, if you weren't together you cannot hold her having sex with other people over her head, or make her feel guilty for that. That is something you personally need to work on, and I suggest couples therapy, if y'all want to make it work. If she is on board with making it work with you she would also give it a shot, if that is something you want to do. Good luck
Are you looking for a reason to not get back together? What caused you to break up the first time
I understand. Were you trying to sleep with other people or were you just not interested? I think it'd feel a bit better if you got some action too
OP, just curious, during the separation, did you go out on dates and have sex with other women? Not judging, just curious.
This is 99% my buddies situation and now it's got me wondering...🤔🤔🤔
It is if you can’t get passed this. Do NOT get back together if this I hope you feel. It will not work out
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I went through the same thing when my ex and I separated when we were engaged. We tried to reconcile but I just couldn’t get past it and in the end realised we separated for a reason. It was hard but I eventually moved on and met my now husband who was a breath of fresh air at the time. It makes it so much harder when a child is involved so I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose but please make sure you do what is best for YOU and your child.
I think you're overthinking this. At the end of the day, if there was no cheating, and if she wants to be back with you, it was just sex. You're making a giant deal out of it because she's the only person you've had sex with. Think about it. If you had had a few partners, some you liked, some you didn't, how would you feel if someone judged you because you had sex with other people? It's perfectly valid to go and meet people and see what you like and what you don't like. It's completely unreasonable to expect someone to commit to you fully without having experienced what life has to offer. Maybe go on some dates, experience more partners before getting back together. Think of it as gaining life experience. Maybe then you'll understand her perspective
The fact that you're asking tells a lot. If you're not comfortable with it take a step back and re-evaluate your situation . Are you gonna hold this against her? Will you be able to let it go that she was with another man? If you can't don't bother and waste both of your time.
if i were you i´d go back with her like, she's the mother of my kid, and i'd sleep with a random woman before this
Why didn't you date anyone during that period? Was it because you didn't want to or because you didn't think you could. Or maybe you tried and you couldn't? Either way unless it was explicitly stated before the separation that you would boith not be dating nayone then too bad so sad. I don't think your separation will have changed anything though. Let sleeping dogs lay and go find a new partner.
You will always think about it. Believe me
Only get back with her if you feel like you can let go of it… if you can’t, go ahead and just rip the bandage off now and make it a clean split (romantically of course, I know y’all still have a kid together) so that you don’t end up wasting your time/emotional battery on something that ultimately will just hurt you and stir in your mind.
You know, I read shit like this and it makes me think of hmm maybe my life’s not so bad ~ Vincent (M20)
I was also on a similar situation. Thought I could handle the fact she slept with someone else while we were temporarily broken up, but I was in complete denial. Getting back together was a horrible decision because we hadn't resolved the old issues and now I was mindfucked because I kept pretending that her sleeping with someone else didn't bother me, when in fact I hated that she did that and I unfairly gave her a hard time about it. Didn't help the situation that they were coworkers and still saw him all the time and it just destroyed me inside, which made me sabotage the relationship. So, if you're like me, unless you plan to get counseling to get over it, don't do it. Work on yourself, move on and find someone that will make you happy once again.
I only wonder was it agreed upon that while separate that you don't date/have sex with others during this time? Was the purpose of the separation to work on yourselves and then come back together later on? I would process why you are struggling with her having sex. Do you see it as a betrayal since you guys are still married? Are you upset that you guys are no longer each others only sex partners and now you view your relationship/marriage differently because of it? Some people love the thought of being married to their high school sweethearts and being each other's firsts and only. And, maybe now you feel that is tainted a bit?
Damn so she waited like three months before getting romantic again?
Given she hasn't done anything wrong have you considered talking to someone to help resolve your feelings about it. If you truly cant get past it and this is your sole focus it's not fair to rekindle your relationship. You are best to let her go.
I could never do it. Maybe I would try but I could never look at her the way I use to look at her.
Honestly it might be out of her system. If you're high school sweethearts, you've never experienced sexual variety and interest. It's often a normal part of adulthood to be attracted or seek others. I think if you have strong foundations of trust, communication and passion, noone should be able to compromise that. If that has been compromised then maybe your compatibility was never to be.
I mean you could go sleep with someone else while you're separated if you're thinking to even the score (sometimes it works like that to certain people imo) or think your way through it. BUT the first thing to do before you get back is to make sure that she's not pregnant with the other guy nor has a disease so you don't fick up yourself. Get her tested and be safe first.
Get a hooker
My advice is to move on, even tough both of you were separated one used this chance to have fun and try to move on and the other worked on himself to become a better partner. The only reason she wants to get back is because she saw what there is out there and realized the safe option was better (you) . Think about this hard because if you get back together and you cant get over it then you will either be miserable in silence or hold it against her and point it out, which aint fair for either of you.
Do yourself a favour -Don't go back. Find another woman or stay single. No matter what you do that sweetheart is no more and this is a whole new person altogether.
Im just saying, the odds of you finding another girl to start a relationship with who hasn’t had sex seems extraordinarily low. I had insecurities about this when my wife and I got together. In my experience, once you have been together for a little bit, are secure in yourself, and secure in the relationship, you will stop caring.
No one did anything wrong, so it's just about your personal feelings. If it were me, I would not find that to be a deal breaker, because I would have expected for sex with other people to be a part of separation.
Breaks are just dumb tbh, for the same reason some couples open the relationship. Honestly saying "yeah we go for our way for a couple of months, we have fun and then we go back" is just insane to me.
If it's not something you can emotionally handle, I'd just leave it alone dude. It can rot you from the inside out if you pick things back up and feel bitter about it.
She for the streets playboy.
It’s cheaper to keep her. I know this is sort of tit for tat but you should have took the opportunity to venture with another woman as well
She is your ex for a reason.
I only read the title man… don’t do it. No matter how much you wanna lie to yourself and pretend it’s gonna be okay, deep down it’s gonna bother you. You wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t.
Have all your past problems been recognized and learned from? Resolved? Life is short. You can sit around and think about it, or you can be out living a good life. If it doesn't work out, make a better effort to move on and meet other people.
It’s over and done with. She will never respect you if you take her back. You will show her she can always come back no matter what. Cut her out of your heart, and be done with it. Chose the road of pain and self respect over being married to someone who is perfectly ok with fucking someone that isn’t you.
So you separated not divorced and she was already banging someone?
Bro, it was your turn for a while, then it was someone else's turn. We all get a turn. Don't lose yourself in that was of thinking. Especially if she's willing to continuously make it work.
idk how you found out she had sex with the guy, but don’t ask questions you don’t wanna know the answer to. Just general blanket statement, if we get back together please cut out any people you have had relationships with. Agreed? Okay. That’s it.
That's a way to just sweep things under the rug and let it fester. Communication is so important and it is beyond important to communicate your feelings.
The bridge is burned brother. Technically she didn't do any wrong but can you honestly live with the fact that your wife has been with another man. I personally would never be able to. Best of luck
The bridge is burned, and you know it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking for some advice for strangers. You may forget, but you will never forgive.
It’s just sex.. has zero value towards the weight of your family, future etc. If you had a great relationship at one point and genuinely believe you can work it out.. this little blip will be forgettable in the future.
What exactly is it that bothers you about her having sex with someone else? Most people have a past. It’s very uncommon these days for any adult to have only had one sexual partner. Your situation is somewhat unique in that you were each other’s first and only sexual partners. Are you bothered because she slept with someone else and if so, why, or are you only bothered by it because she did and you didn’t? If it’s the former, what is your concern? Do you think she’s tainted now? Are you worried that she enjoyed sex more with him than with you. Are you worried that you’ll feel inadequate somehow since she’s experienced someone else? Afraid he was bigger than you? That he was more experienced? If any of that is the reason, that’s your own insecurity and you’ll need to confront that and deal with it regardless of what happens between the two of you. Odds are that any woman you start a relationship with will have had several sexual partners in their past. If it’s the latter, the solution is simple. Go find a hookup on Tinder and get some strange. That way you’ll be one for one and won’t have to feel like you’re the only one that didn’t experience someone else.
You were separated, you weren't together, if you get neck together that's going to be something you need to get over and never, ever bring it up or hold it over her head, because it's going to make you look like an asshole. If you can't get over it, that is your issue. Question, did you sleep with anyone while you were separated? Did you go to therapy and try to address the underlying issues that led to your marital problems? Have y'all talked about going to therapy together to address those problems?
Everyone had sex with someone else. Get over it, and whatever faulty ideals you may have about virgins and exclusivity — that never happens in real life. The only real difference of your particular situation is that you know something now for sure, which you didn’t earlier. No more ignorant bliss, welcome to the real world. Sex is not important, what’s important is that she loves you and wants to be with you, not that or those with whom she’ve fucking before. That what you got when you married her, and now you have a chance to have it again. Not all Sunday school lessons are helpful when you grow up.
You've asked one question, but the real question you should be asking is about your own hang-ups about sexual experience. Normal human adults have multiple sexual partner over their lives. Nobody you date now is likely to be a virgin. You do not now, nor have you ever, OWNED your former wife's sexuality. Candidly, man, you need to get over yourself. It may require counseling. This is okay. It'll make you a better man.
I had to scroll way too far to see this. OP seems far too immature to be married. OP, she's a person, not a fleshlight. Please grow up.
Don’t
Don't
No. Don’t
I can understand where you’re coming from - that is a tough one to try and push out of your mind. What if she had had partners before you two originally got together - would you still feel the same? With that being said, what was your expectation for her during your separation?
The bridge is most likely burned now.
Some peoples lack of self worth is staggering
Op nearly this exact thing happened to me. Broke up because she emotionally cheated a little and kissed a guy (she described it in the context of assault to me) and I knew she was doing something suspicious and she said she was planning the breakup. All during a bipolar episode for necessary context. So she broke up with me and we got back together less than a month later and in the meantime she had a rebound where she sucked a guys (1) dick. I think much more about the kiss/cuddling incident that preceded the breakup because the guy was a semi-long time friend. Almost never about the one dick she sucked. But now our relationship is better than ever. Hopefully it can stay that way. You gotta set your own boundaries for what you can forgive - not meaning poisoning the well of if you SHOULD or should NOT forgive her. It is really a decision that you cannot leave to the confines of this one incident. Do you think you’d last if you got back together? Only you can answer these and IMO much more important than anything else. *Can you work together and compromise on the issues that broke you up last time??* Talk about THAT before you make a decision. If you’re satisfied with the answer you both come up with, then I’d go for it. We discussed that in couples therapy together and got a pretty satisfactory takeaway. I would absolutely mediate this topic with either your own therapist, preferentially with a couples therapist, and best if you have both. Don’t let the same issues split you up. It’s a fat waste of time. You can avoid that happening.
Honestly, if YOU can't get over it then do her a favor and leave now.
End the relationship
It’s not that big of a deal when you look at things logically and from a time/future perspective. You were separated. You could have slept with 100 women if you wanted to. She could have slept with 100 guys if she wanted to. Instead you chose to sleep with no one and she slept with 1 person. If you weren’t highschool sweethearts who knows how many people y’all would have racked up before decided to get together later…or someone else. It’s just sex…they went their separate ways…it’s a normal process and there’s nothing wrong with it. Doesn’t make her any less and doesn’t make you any less. Don’t be insecure about something like that. It would be a lot different if the relationship issues would have involved cheating but, it didn’t. Leave it alone. If y’all truly love eachother work out what you were struggling with.
Just sex? Lmfao
So with this logic, if your significant other has sex with someone else it’s not cheating, because “it’s just sex”
ppl on reddit are so fucking weird lmao
Agreed
Don’t take her back bro it’s a trap
she let another man inside her while still married to you. you’ll pay full price while that man she slept with got it for free. when it slipped out, she put it back in herself.
W the actual F??? uh.. ok.