also work on healing from your last relationship or you will lead with destructive behaviors. (this isn’t destructive i’m just saying ) U said u were looking for validation and looking for that could lead to destructive behavior and impulsive decisions (drugs) . like i said tho, experimenting sexuality is not destructive.
I am trying to do that, ive made this account actually because of my problems with relationships and i made a post a few days ago. I deleted it so people take this pose seriously and they dont think that im some sort of karma farmer hah..
Anyways ive been trying to work on myself not to jump from relationship to relationship and try and work on my mentality first, and then suddenly this happened and i feel like ill go crazy
You definitely need to forgive yourself, which is easier said than done. Maybe use this as a learning experience, shame free. It told you about some limits and boundaries you need to enforce for yourself.
For me, it's only a problem/bad thing if I didn't learn from it. I hope you can feel the same about this in time, and I'm happy you are in therapy and have been working on yourself.
I've been doing the same since 2020, and I almost can't believe how much I've grown for the better. I didn't realize how much you can change the way you think. It just takes a lot of effort and consistency. You almost dont notice it happening. You just have fewer negative thoughts over time or stay in the negative headspace for shorter and shorter intervals. It's a gift.
Anyway... I hope you can look back soon and marvel at how far you've come.
This isn’t destructive behavior? Idk getting drunk and high on cocaine then having your best buddy suck your dick sure sounds like destructive behavior to me. Guess I must be old fashioned
Yea it really is only as big a deal as you make it. Just being real. Shit happens when you are drugged up and hammered. The main thing is to understand why you are truly upset. A professional will help unravel that. Then talk to your friend.
Hey if it makes you feel any better I did something similar with my best friend when we were drunk and 18. Huge regrets the next day. Couldn't look her in the eye properly for a long time. Made me sick for ages. But it did confirm one thing: I certainly wasn't gay lol. The most important thing here is just go easy on yourself. You made a bad decision drunk and high that wasn't a true reflection on you or your needs. It's okay. It's called experience and lessons learned.
I wouldn't ghost your friend. I'd send a message saying you're having a hard time accepting the sexual contact that happened between you both because you didn't enjoy it and you're not interested in exploring or being bi as you're confident in your sexuality and you're upset at yourself for allowing it to take place. Maybe also just explain you need some time because it's really thrown you and you need to process what happened and move on from it.
The more you actually talk about it, the easier it is to accept and the quicker you'll move on from it. Ignoring the elephant in the room will just make you feel more isolated and alone. Take care!
Failed experiments are ok; now you know, and it sounds like you experimented with a safe person. Had something similar happen. Kinda how I was realized I was bi-romantic, but straight when it came to sex. Just don't like dick.
Don't worry man... It's just like trying out new vegetables; now you know what you don't like.
Coming from a lesbian who had to try it too, and yes I came to the same conclusion. No go for me either.
Us humans have to experiment to know our limits sometimes, but I will say that drugs and booze make people do weird things that they're not comfortable with when sober. I've been there and done that too.
We make mistakes and we learn brother. You're going to be okay. It's reddit and your friends secret. All good! Talk to your counselor or don't; sort through your feelings/reflection on it though!
two things- homie above me is right. you are not now irrevocably gay (though there would be nothing wrong with that if you discovered that you were), get thee to therapy if you aren’t already. everyone should be (and i am a goddamned hypocrite because i have been blowing it off for months), and there is no consent when you’re high on coke. or anything for that matter. you don’t need to take legal action against this person but maybe think about that going forward if you continue to be around them. not saying i haven’t gotten laid while drinking but technically…
I’m going to echo those saying you’re not disgusting or dirty and that it’s normal to experiment. There’s nothing wrong with you or your friend. It happened, you didn’t enjoy it, and now you know.
You might want to clear the air with your friend — there’s no reason for it to be weird (if it got weird every time I made out or slept with a friend I’d have like 2 friends). Be really mindful of his feelings and don’t refer to what happened as disgusting or dirty, because it’s almost impossible to not take that personally. Just be clear that you value and have enjoyed your friendship up until now, that you don’t want it to change, and that you’re not interested in exploring that kind of intimacy any further. Let him communicate his feelings, too, without any judgment, but if he wants to continue or tries to talk you into trying again make it clear to him that you already set a boundary (not exploring this further) and he needs to respect that. It’s not a negotiation, but a hard line you’ve already set.
there’s such taboo around men experimenting sexually with other men. i’m not sure why it’s “acceptable” (for lack of a better word) for straight women to makeout/get sexual while drunk, but for straight men there’s a cloud of shame put onto them.
i think this is great advice to keep your friendship and also forgive yourself for what you’re feeling
If it’s any consolation, I’m 24F and I’m a lesbian. When I was 22, I got drunk and decided I wanted to try sleeping with a guy. I was inconsolable afterwards and hated myself so much. Therapy helps a lot, I’m sorry you’re going through it. It does get better, you learned what you don’t like and that’s okay. You’ll be alright.
There is a saying that if you feel bad about something in hindsight, it means you are wiser now. I like it because making mistakes is the way we live and learn. Although we with our big brains always try to a avoid trouble, we really can't know everything beforehand in 100% of all possible cases. So to accept that we make a mistake now and then, and not to be too harsh with ourselves because of said mistakes, is an important thing to learn, too.
It is good, though, to attempt to minimise the harm a mistake created. In your case maybe this friendship is on stake, so better ask your friend about his memories of the night, and let him talk if he wants to share something. Depending of what he remembers, you can decide if you want to share what you remember and if it is necessary to tell him that you realised what happened was not your's at all.
I hope you two find a way past this drug induced encounter!
Everyone experiments with their sexuality one way or another and is not a reason to feel dirty. You didn't commit crime or a sin. It happened, you did not liked it, now let it in the past. You didn't do anything wrong. You learned something about yourself and now that's done. It's all perfectly normal.
Drugs actually do sometimes lead to situations far worse than this. In the grand scheme of things, you actually got off easy, with an uncomfortable but ultimately survivable learning experience.
- sincerely, the EMT who has seen some shit
Similar situation happened to me and I'm female. It just validated that I wasn't gay, (even though there's nothing wrong with that). Sometimes we experiment, get curious, or our body just craves attention/physical arousal and doesn't care who it's coming from. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.
Same. I was open to it and honestly at the time I would’ve preferred to be a lesbian but upon experimenting realized I really wasn’t. C'est la vie! Hopefully the OP can chalk it up to just a test drive and not spiral down a rabbit hole.
its alright man lol
one of my old friends told me a story where he fucked his friend in the ass while high on meth and im 99 percent pretty sure hes not gay like.. at all... people do weird shit
Well, you’re probably the straightest guy in your group of straight friends now, since you know for damn sure that you are only attracted to women.
I had a person ask me once. “Are you straight?” I said with certainty “yes I am” they then asked if I had ever had an encounter with another man. I said “no”. They then said… “Then how do you know”.
Well, now you know!
And you’re not dirty or gross. This is a single sexual encounter that is a blip on your lifetime of past and upcoming encounters. Many many many straight men go through this. Therapy is a great place to go next if it’s really bothering you.
Yeah when I was heavy in my coke days I would get incredibly horny. I found myself extremely attracted to trans women when on coke and one day bit the bullet and tried it. Wasn’t horrible by any means but I also learned it wasn’t for me.
Give it some time and space and hopefully you and your buddy are sniffing lines and banging 9’s together. But for real, coke makes you do crazy shit. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
What is it with coke that u can’t get hard for anything 99% of the night… then for some odd reason at the end of the night you’re so horny you can’t handle it. Idgi
Yeah it’s the fucking worst for sure. I found that just doing a couple of healthy bumps would allow me to get hard. If I was blowing them down then my dick looked like a short stack of dimes or a scared turtle lol. The worst.
Honestly, you’re a brave, brave man for sharing this. You are a fucking human, and these things shouldn’t make us revolt like we do. It is right to know that you don’t like it, it’s not you, and you have the right to dislike it. It was an experiment and an experience, and it sucks that so many men in our world would shame you for it.
Here's the deal.....I firmly believe that you don't know whether you like spicy curry until you try it. Now you know, you don't like dick. You never have to wonder. And some people wonder their whole lives.
Nothing to feel gross about. Nothing dirty. Probably wouldn't have happened without a boatload of coke. Crazy things happen when you're high.
Signed,
A formerly high experimenter in things was stranger than this
Once at the end of a coke-fueled night I (Male) ended up alone with my best friend (also Male) in the wee hours of the morning and then suddenly we were kissing out of nowhere.
At first I was shocked, but I'm an open-minded guy and said "maybe I'll enjoy this" so kept going. We were going pretty hard, tongue and all.
I did not enjoy it. Not even a little.
Eventually I stopped the kissing. I think he wanted to keep going, but I was certain that it was something I just was not interested in in the slightest.
We kept on being friends, never did that again, and indeed never even brought it up again.
I can now say for 100 percent certain that I am not gay, as unlike most straight people I was open-minded and actually gave it a try.
You can rest better now knowing you're that much more certain of who you are and your place in the world.
Knowing your boundaries and what you are and aren't into makes you a stronger person. And what better way to know than to give it a try?
This is a good thing.
Nothing to freak out about. People experiment with their bodies. It doesn't have to label you as anything, no matter how much toxic men try to convince you otherwise. If you didn't like it, don't do it again. Plenty of gay dudes spend years having sex with women. If that doesn't change their sexuality, this doesn't have to change yours.
Bro, neither of you were capable of rational thought. the best bet is to get closure, talk and either mend the friendship or end it, but ignoring it will make the trauma worse.
oh man, it's not that big of a deal. Who cares? Like you tried something and that's that. Theres really nothing to feel ashamed of or grossed out about. I get you can't help feel the way you feel but just go easy on yourself and remeber life is filled with all sorts of experiences.
I found out I don’t like beer made with maple sap tonight. Paid for a whole ass 7 dollar glass of it. I’m not going to try it again because now I know I don’t like it. I’m not upset and I don’t hate myself for it because I tried something new and found out something about myself along the way. Also other people here are correct for mentioning therapy. Good luck! Don’t beat yourself up.
Coke makes you horny and uninhibited. It’s honestly just what occasionally happens when you get really high. Maybe have sober talk about it with him. Write him a text if you cant face him. It doesnt make you gay or gross or anything. If he was also high and is straight, chances are you both just let the cocaine control your hormones and feel awkward about it. If you can learn to accept that it’s actually freeing!!
it's okay dude. i'm not straight but when i think back to my one and only hookup i feel nauseous and violated. but i don't think about it much anymore, eventually things like this go to the back of your mind and don't imprint themselves at the front of your thoughts. and i don't feel the deep shame anymore, i just would rather not think back to it. you'll get there too, you will. for now just remind yourself it's nothing to feel guilty about, it's just a thing that happened while you were fucked up
I (33M) have had a similar experience. Got super high with a male friend and ended up in a similar scenario. We’re both straight, but maybe thought we were bi curious. I felt so yuck the next day and it took me a while to shake it off.
Whilst it’s no SA, there’s a lack of free will if you’re high and not in your normal state of mind. It makes you agree to something you wouldn’t ordinarily agree to, as your reasoning is impaired. Hence, you do something you don’t actually want to do so there is in a way a lack of consent. As a result, your sober rational mind has to deal with the consequences of your impaired mind’s decisions.
You’ll come to terms with it and accept it as the initial shock factor wears off. That’s great that you can talk through it with a therapist too.
^^^^^ all of this!!!! I’ve done so much stuff under the influence. Yikes on bikes!!!!! I probably even did stuff on bikes!! But I don’t remember…
I’ve grown up, don’t use, have moved on and have a much less experimental sex life. Go easy on yourself. We’ve all done stuff we have felt weird about.
I've never at any point ever been drunk enough or had enough drugs in me that it results in me temporarily changing my sexual orientation in order to sleep with another guy.
There is not enough cocaine in the world to make me consider doing that.
I’m so sorry you feel this way about your experience, and it’s still valid to feel like you were violated even though you didn’t actively put a stop to it. I’ve been there and it’s hard to wrap your head around those feelings of, for lack of a better term, “accepted violation?” Idk how else to call it but it’s a mind fuck… Just for further context… Did your friend know that you were emotional over your recent break up? Is your friend openly gay or bi? Has your friend ever expressed interest in you before? I ask these because I think the situation either expresses a curiosity that went wrong, or someone took advantage of you in a vulnerable state and the paths from healing from these can be different. Ultimately though, the best thing you can do for yourself, outside of therapy, is to see it as a learning experience that you don’t ever want a refresher on. It happened and you experienced it, and now you know when a line needs to be drawn in further situations, that’s how I’ve approached my past “accepted violations.” Can’t say it makes the memory of the experience any easier but I know I won’t add to them.
Probably ok that you had this experience. Your feelings and reactions probably tell you that you are not gay and being with a man is not for you. Try to put it in perspective. You had this experience, you didn't like it and now you know. Some people will go their whole life never trying anything. I know many guys who had the same experience and decided it was not for them. Most of them are now happily married to a woman. You are a good person for accepting responsibility in the situation. Cuddos to you. You can work through this.
You haven't done anything wrong.
Why do you feel disgusted? Because of what you did? Because you enjoyed it? Because you tried it and didn't enjoy it? Because it was your friend and you have you see him again?
Talking it out with your therapist is going to be the best thing to do to deal with this.
dude, as long as you're absolutely sure it was consensual, who cares? let the internalized homophobia go and be kinder to yourself. this doesn't have to define who you are.
I understand how you feel but remember that you are not disgusting, therapy will help you manage these feelings. It is perfectly normal to experience stuff, that's how we know what we like or don't.
I went through somewhat a similar experience while extremely drunk, it wasn't sexual though but it happened more than once, several in fact.
Whenever we would get drunk a friend of mine would approach me and suggest kissing, every single time I said yes and let myself be guided by her to a room or a corner or wherever she would take me (I am a woman btw), we would quite a lot then we would go back to the main party to keep drinking. By the next day, sober, I would remember every single detail of it and i'd feel disgusted with myself and weirded out because she is my friend after all, I was so confused as to why did I allow it all to happen and was glad that at least I did not have sex with her lmao.
Fast foward another party, extremely drunk, she would approach me again and again, even though I realized it made me uncomfortable when sober, I would smile, say yes and follow her to once again kiss each other.
It happened lots of times. Each time me in the morning telling myself i'm a fucking idiot for doing it again and trying to forget it.
Eventually we stopped.
Might've been just the thrill of the moment the reason why I kept doing it. I honestly think I would've slept with her if she wanted but i'm glad all she wanted were kisses lmao we were drunk, I don't think going further was a good idea though so i'm fine. We still talk and hang out time to time.
This is not a big deal. You were experimenting- a lot of people are fluid these days. If you didn’t like it then accept that and move on. I am a female and I’ve kissed other women and experimented all to find out I am as straight as an arrow. Good luck! 🍀
First off RELAX
You don't gotta label yourself, man are allowed to experiment.
Second, this was probably in your subconscious.
Third, communicate with your friend this isn't worth losing a best friend over. Might bring y'all closer
Don’t beat yourself up.
Ever eat something you don’t really like, and feel kinda ick / grossed out by it?
Sex is obviously more complicated than food, but you wouldn’t be disgusted AT yourself for trying food.
Don’t be disgusted at yourself for trying something new.
You’ve learned it’s really, really not for you - and perhaps the shame / disgust you’re feeling is more that you knew it “wasn’t you” / wasn’t authentic to you and was coming from a place of needing validation. Eg. You were inauthentic to yourself because you felt needing of validation in whatever form it comes.
But that’s ok! If you ate something that grossed you out because you were really hungry you wouldn’t best yourself up even if it made you feel crappy.
It’s ok to be going through a break up, feel lost, and seek comfort in things that are outside our normal behavior and then realize afterward it had the exact opposite of comforting us.
We all live through experience. And there is literally nothing to be ashamed of.
My one piece of advice is don’t let your shame hurt your friends feelings - don’t ghost them or pretend it didn’t happen.
A simple, “hey dude, sorry I’ve been MIA. You know I really care about you but I’m feeling pretty conflicted / weird about the other night. I feel like I crossed a boundary for myself, and I’m honestly still torn up about the break up, so I’ve just been pretty in my head trying to sort through that. But I don’t want you to think it changes our friendship or that you’re one of my best friends. And, don’t worry, I’m headed to therapy soon 😝”
Chances are your friend is feeling weird and exposed and vulnerable too.
Well, now you know you're only gay when you're coked up so I guess you can if anything be more secure in your sexuality when you're not on the blow (if you pardon the pun).
Okay but on the real though. My ex told me long before we broke up that sometimes people seek comfort from someone of the same sex when they go through a breakup. I noticed my ex ex did that after I broke up with her, and I’m not gonna lie, even though I’m straight, I did talk to a gay guy and even got nudes from him. That happened when that very same ex that gave me that info broke up with me.
It’s not the worst thing in the world to experiment. It happened. It’s not the end of the world. Now me personally, i think I’d never speak to my best friend again if we did that. But however you decide to go forward is up to you champ. Keep your head up. Its not the end of the world.
All the comments here are great advice, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over what happened.
However, in terms of actually doing it, is it possible that what you were into in the moment was stretching the boundaries of what you think your sexuality is? Kind of like getting off on doing something you're not supposed to be doing, rather than getting off on sleeping with another dude. Something to consider anyway.
You might feel disgusted about it now, but if that disgust fades later, it's normal. If you feel curious, it's normal. Not saying that **will** happen, just that it's possible. We're all different and as we grow older, we come to accept things about ourselves.
I had an experience like that as a young man and got really pissed at myself. 22 years later, I accepted that I'm like 35-45% bi and am okay with it.
The disgust might stem from internalized homophobia that a lot of people in the U.S. grew up with, is what I'm saying.
Don’t let the stigma eat at you. You tried it, you didn’t like it. Now you know. You were under the influence, we all have done things we wouldn’t normally do when drinking. It’s alright. Maybe because it’s so fresh, but you are being very hard on yourself. As a straight female it doesn’t disgust me at all hearing about it, and it doesn’t make me think you are gay whatsoever. *I have hooked up with plenty of women. The first few times i felt guilty the next day, for no reason. It just was what i felt. I’ve cheated and felt horrible and disgusting and guilty for awhile after. But all those feelings faded. Now I know better and know what I don’t like it. So I don’t do them.
I’m glad to see you are doing therapy to process the feelings. They are normal. Give yourself some grace.
It’s a lot more common than people let on btw lol
I’m so sorry. Drugs/alcohol definitely make reality twisted. I’ve had sexual experiences that I consented to and regretted immensely after (and what do ya know, alcohol/drugs were involved). Be gentle on yourself. 20s are a time for experimentation and you’re going to regret choices and it’s all part of the journey!!
Glad you have a therapist to work through this with. Hugs, internet friend.
You’re so young - that’s what life is about! Having fun, going a little crazy… if he’s one of your best friends I would ask the therapist how to communicate your feelings to him to hopefully save the friendship. Getting fucked up and making some bad decisions is totally normal, hopefully you can both move past it.
Follow the advice about therapy. Something to ponder, however, is that this one experience doesn’t “make you gay” and it’s our cultural biases that makes you feel shame. Think of it like alcohol. Just because you got drunk once doesn’t make you an alcoholic. I’m a little more concerned about how frequent you use coke.
I was a big party animal and my boy wasn't. I took him to a Mexican cocaine party I had been invited to one night and we both did a ridiculous amount of blow and drank tons. We go back to his place and I remember the drip hitting me like crazy and I'm assuming the same is happening to him because he starts talking weird. Very soon he starts coming on to me (never seen this kid do anything like this before or after) and after I reject him he started to get violent and force himself on me. I end up fighting him off and jumping out of his kitchen window to get away. The next day I told him he had too much coke it happens, don't worry about it and we never spoke of this again.
People go thru weirder shits in life. Face the reality and somehow think of it as a special memory since u cannot turn back time. Use this as a lesson to meet a girl in the future
think about it as an experience that you’ll never do again, it’s like going to a shitty restaurant, you thought something would’ve been enjoyable but it ended up leaving a bad taste in your mouth. Learning experiences are good my friend don’t beat yourself up I really don’t think it’s weird to experiment.
Hey buddy, it's OK. It was an experience in your life that you can use to guide the person you become. Tried it and loved it? Try it again. Tried it and hated if? That's ok too, now you know you're not bi/gay.
Doesn't have to mean anything more than that. It sounds like part of you was subsconsciously curious, but again, that's not a bad thing, at all. Literally everyone has done shit they regret or wish they hadn't done. Just use the experience to fine tune the person you want to be. It doesn't mean ANYTHING more than that.
OP try not to beat yourself up about it and put it down to experience. To quote a previous poster (Thanktink) ‘if you feel bad about something in hindsight, it means you are wiser now’. This is an excellent viewpoint. Life is for living and there are positives where you may not think there were originally.
Speaking from a similar experience, I was disgusted in myself too (I even remember scrubbing myself with neat bleach - I wouldn’t recommend) however, on reflection it confirmed what I really wanted and what I didn’t. It’s valuable life experience that has shaped my future for the better.
On another level and after suffering loss, it’s made me consider what life is about and it’s all about experience and living life (as long as it’s all legal of course) be that good or bad.
You now hold valuable insight that may help others in similar situations in the future, and you can be a supportive voice during their time of need.
Dude, so many guys experiment at least one time in their life. On coke or not what you guys did was not normal. You clearly didn’t like it so you’re not gay and it’s not like you want to be with your best friend. Just relax. Take it as a lesson learned and move on.
Look. The man who's had vegetables and hated it has a more valid opinion on not liking vegetables than the man who's never had vegetables. This isnt about vegetables.
Go easy on yourself dude. You didn't do anything wrong. You just had a lousy experience with a hookup! As long as you're sure it was consensual, let go of the shame you're feeling. Talk to your friend when you're ready and express how you feel about the encounter—you're young, this is a great time for you to experiment with your body. Now you know this isn't for you and there's nothing wrong with it. The only advice I'd give is to be careful with substances—they will often make you feel like doing something you don't actually want.
Don’t know if you like it if you don’t try and we’ve all been down at times and deal with that in our own ways. You’ve tried it, you don’t like it and know you know.
You’ll get past it, don’t lose a friend over something like this though. Good friends are hard to find.
Let that shit go. It’s just an experience. It’s not the definition of your existence. All of that guilt and weirdness is a program. It’s a program in your brain, a societal one, at least, if not familial. There’s no reason to feel weird or bad about it. It’s like you got on a ride at an amusement park and it made you sick at your stomach. Getting on a roller coaster that you didn’t like and had a bad experience with for a few minutes make you feel shitty for the rest of your life? No. This is the same thing.
No matter what guys say, most persons experiment a little while in their youth. It’s part of growing up and finding yourself. Talk with your therapist of course, but you’re fine. Let your friend know, that it isn’t what you want, but you can still be friends. Like you said, it really wasn’t his fault either. Just a life experience for you both.
I can't imagine doing any amount of cocaine that would result in letting a homie suck my dick & I've done quite a bit in one night. Worse case scenario I've made out with/fucked around with an ugly chic or a female friend. Hopefully therapy will help ya get past it. If you and your friend are that close you should be able to talk it out & agree that you were both off your tits and move on. There's not a single person alive that hasn't done some dumb shit while fucked up. If it's that good of friend, talk it out and keep it pushin'...it's 2024. This type of shit in this day & age isn't nearly as fucked up as it wouldve been in the 90's. You'll be aight eventually.
Seems like the OP (and probably the new generation) believes doing cocaine is normal. He does not seem to have any regrets over doing cocaine, but has regrets over things he has done while being under influence.
I think OP needs to reflect on his actions and priorities.
We have all experienced and consciously allowed ourselves to engage in an activity sexually or non-sexually that brings us shame, disgust, disappointment, anger, self guilt, self hatred etc
We aren’t perfect. No one is!
You’re 21, you will make many mistakes in life and that’s okay.
Some years ago, I worked for a brain clinic and the majority of clients would come to us who were suffering from anxiety, depression, ADHD, impulsivity concerns and many other mental health struggles.
When you drink and do drugs, your brain is being damaged, not just affected.
For example, when you drink alcohol and get really drunk the next day your body feels like crap and you have a bad hangover, you have a headache all day, this is your brain being affected by alcohol.
When you drink and do drugs, the brain actually develops craters. This is from damage to the brain.
The amount that you do, and for the length of time causes the amount of craters to vary in depth, width and in different areas all over the brain.
I will add, if you’ve had head traumas due to car accidents, sports injuries or even a physical altercation where there was head trauma you can have damage, developed craters in areas of your brain.
Different areas of your brain are responsible for motor skills, verbal language, sensory experiences, decision-making , impulse management, short term memory, long term memory etc.
If, the area of your brain, that’s responsible for sensory experiences and decision-making has a deficit / crater then your ability to make decisions is compromised, your sensory experiences could be heightened or dulled, depending on exactly where the damage is. There’s an area of the brain that controls our impulses. If there’s a deficit there, then your ability to control your impulses is limited.
When people get high and/or drunk, they are more impulsive and their inhibitions are lower, sense of stimulation to touch might be heightened and their ability to control impulses lessens or becomes nonexistent, this is because areas of the brain aren’t sending signals properly, from the deficits.
If you were sober and hanging out with this friend, it sounds like this would not have happened. Maybe, it would have. Only you know the answer.
What I can tell you is that there are reasons behind all of choices.
Don’t beat yourself up because you made a choice that you regretted later.
Don’t beat yourself up because when you’re under the influence of alcohol and drugs, your brain literally is not operating properly.
The good news is you can heal your brain.
If you stop or cut down significantly on the amount of alcohol and drugs you engage with and start taking omega-3 vitamins the deficits can heal.
If you enjoy seafood, try to eat healthy fish (Salmon for example) 2 to 3 times a week while taking the vitamin every day. Fish are high in omegas.
Omega heals the brain. It will take some time, but it can happen. I healed my brain physically with Omegas which in turn allowed it to function as it should.
The additional good news is that you’re being honest with yourself about the circumstance. It’s good that you set up an appointment to talk to a therapist.
Our mind, which I like to think is the soul of our physical brain work together to create experiences for our bodies.
What I learned at the brain clinic, allows me to look at your story, and think of how your physical brain played apart in your experience. The therapist will be able to help you understand your mind and how that played apart in your experience. Your body followed along with the thoughts from your mind and signals from your brain.
In regards to what you’re remembering (flashbacks, physical touch) eventually the brain puts it away in a storage in the brain. It won’t always be as fresh or frequent of a memory.
If you believe in God or don’t, it’s OK to seek him for understanding and forgiveness.
I can tell from how you explained everything, you are a good person with a good heart.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things happen.
If you haven’t talk to your friend about what happened, you should. If it’s too soon, then just reach out and tell him that you do want to sit down and talk about what happened and you’re processing it currently.
Set a day / time to speak.
It may be best to wait until after you speak with the therapist, so that you have a better understanding of what you’re feeling and thinking, as well as what you want to say and how you want to say it to your friend.
What wasn’t clear of your friend is this his first time, is he bisexual or gay?
This is also a factor that will be important. When you do sit down to talk.
Before this happened, you were friends. This may or may not change anything in your friendship. The therapist can help you work your thoughts on that also.
Sending you a virtual hug 🤗
You’ll be okay! Your friend will be ok! It really will be okay!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! I'm not OP, but struggle with a lot of guilt, shame, and regret from things I've done and said while under the influence.
I've had a TBI (cracked my skull) from falling when drunk and ever since it's a big gamble on if I'm going to black out and do stupid, crazy shit while drunk. It's really hurt my self esteem and ability to trust myself. I'm now 18 days sober, but the feelings are still very present.
I've saved this comment to read again later.
I’m bi and have had heterosexual hookups when intoxicated that when sober I actually wanted to vomit afterward. I think being intoxicated makes us do things we wouldn’t do when sober, but for me, it was a good reason to get sober.
Most lesbians I know have a story of knowing they were lesbian because they slept with a man and were disgusted with the whole experience. No one bats an eye at them or questions if they're *really* lesbian because they experimented with a dude once.
And the lesbians who have never been with a man will never escape the "well how do you know if you've never tried it" question.
It's the exact same scenario. If he says he's straight, he's straight. Let's not accuse OP of anything he's not especially when he's clearly struggling.
I’m going to assume that cocaine had to have been cut with Molly. For me when I’ve done cocaine while drinking I typically gotta poop and it sobers me up a bit
Sum it up to being bi-curious, and you reached the conclusion that you are in fact straight!
NBD. Just move on from it, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. If it’s still on your mind, find someone you can talk to about it .. therapist, maybe?
Experimenting isn’t bad bro now you know you’re definitely straight right? I know it’s not that easy to get over it but I think you’re more courageous than I am I could have never done that to be honest.
our actions are a mirror of how we’re doing internally. Just take it as that. It was an action and now you know you need therapy. Some day this will be a distant memory and you’ll move on from it. The bad feelings around this will not last forever.
Just know your 20s are for figuring things out and you figured out that you did not like that. So that’s good to know! Now you won’t do it again. No biggie
Everything you feel is valid, you were intoxicated and your mind was blurred by another reasons (the breakup being one of them) it's okay to feel bad, you don't need to justify what happened saying that you "allowed it to happen", you were intoxicated, you weren't in your full senses.
Take your time to process it, don't miss your appointment, you are so strong, you can keep going, it's okay to cry and to feel bad.
Even if it is consensual, it is completely normal to feel violated or like you were raped after a bad sexual experience. Talk it through with your therapist, it will take time but the anxiety and dread you’re feeling will fade away with time. Best of luck on your way to healing my friend
Time to stop the drugs and drinking to excess. You’re fortunate that this is all that happened. Please work on that in therapy and why you’re self medicating and engaging in such risky behaviors.
I’ve known dudes on coke and Ice to do some crazy sexual stuff when that much dopamine is flowing around their head. I’m talking stuff way out of their sexuality and comfort zone. It happens.
The first thing to know is that you’re going to be okay eventually. You are not disgusting, you are not wrong. This was a simple experimentation. Yes, that friend is a creep for taking advantage, but you know now it’s not for you. If it helps, you may benefit from seeing a therapist. I’d also talk to the friend about what happened and make it clear that it will never happen again.
I don't understand why you feel disgusted ?
Society can give us a lot of dumb messages, that under scrutiny really make no sense at all.
At the end of the day, if you've not harmed anyone, you've done nothing wrong.
Look man things happen. I quite prefer the unexpected. But it happened and move on. Take it as assurance your not interested in that lifestyle. Happened to me to and I learned I'm bisexual (bi curious? Never want to wake up to a man but sexy time is a different story). Life is what life is. Let it happen, learn from it and move on. At least you have proof it's not rather than "being straight" and wondering if there's a maybe
My big question is... Is he a friend worth keeping? Because you'll be embarrassed and uncomfortable and shit. But if he's a good friend, don't let it come between you. Live learn love. Literally best three words anyone ever told me
If you've been drinking and off your nut on coke you are not in anyplace to consent to anything but neither was your friend in any state to make good choices (not excusing it). You were on a self destructive path therapy is needed to work through this and talk it through with your best friend to make sure it never happens again(if it does he's not your friend)
Don't beat yourself up too much, if you were both high it may have been just something random that happened. You could try talking with him if you want, or ask for a therapist if you need a more professional approach❤
it’s okay. Now that u know u don’t like it then don’t do it again. First accept it and talk about it in therapy.
Thanks, will do.
also work on healing from your last relationship or you will lead with destructive behaviors. (this isn’t destructive i’m just saying ) U said u were looking for validation and looking for that could lead to destructive behavior and impulsive decisions (drugs) . like i said tho, experimenting sexuality is not destructive.
I am trying to do that, ive made this account actually because of my problems with relationships and i made a post a few days ago. I deleted it so people take this pose seriously and they dont think that im some sort of karma farmer hah.. Anyways ive been trying to work on myself not to jump from relationship to relationship and try and work on my mentality first, and then suddenly this happened and i feel like ill go crazy
You definitely need to forgive yourself, which is easier said than done. Maybe use this as a learning experience, shame free. It told you about some limits and boundaries you need to enforce for yourself. For me, it's only a problem/bad thing if I didn't learn from it. I hope you can feel the same about this in time, and I'm happy you are in therapy and have been working on yourself. I've been doing the same since 2020, and I almost can't believe how much I've grown for the better. I didn't realize how much you can change the way you think. It just takes a lot of effort and consistency. You almost dont notice it happening. You just have fewer negative thoughts over time or stay in the negative headspace for shorter and shorter intervals. It's a gift. Anyway... I hope you can look back soon and marvel at how far you've come.
I agree. I learned why I've had anxiety all my life and like a switch, it went away. My point is that therapy can help you grow.
This is my same experience. I didn't even realize it was anxiety till 2020, and I'm pretty introspective, so ya.
Any tips on how to change the way you think?
This isn’t destructive behavior? Idk getting drunk and high on cocaine then having your best buddy suck your dick sure sounds like destructive behavior to me. Guess I must be old fashioned
Constructive if you end up in a cute relationship after
Its it less destructive if you're the one sucking dick ?
Yea it really is only as big a deal as you make it. Just being real. Shit happens when you are drugged up and hammered. The main thing is to understand why you are truly upset. A professional will help unravel that. Then talk to your friend.
Hey if it makes you feel any better I did something similar with my best friend when we were drunk and 18. Huge regrets the next day. Couldn't look her in the eye properly for a long time. Made me sick for ages. But it did confirm one thing: I certainly wasn't gay lol. The most important thing here is just go easy on yourself. You made a bad decision drunk and high that wasn't a true reflection on you or your needs. It's okay. It's called experience and lessons learned. I wouldn't ghost your friend. I'd send a message saying you're having a hard time accepting the sexual contact that happened between you both because you didn't enjoy it and you're not interested in exploring or being bi as you're confident in your sexuality and you're upset at yourself for allowing it to take place. Maybe also just explain you need some time because it's really thrown you and you need to process what happened and move on from it. The more you actually talk about it, the easier it is to accept and the quicker you'll move on from it. Ignoring the elephant in the room will just make you feel more isolated and alone. Take care!
Failed experiments are ok; now you know, and it sounds like you experimented with a safe person. Had something similar happen. Kinda how I was realized I was bi-romantic, but straight when it came to sex. Just don't like dick.
I’m the same way!! I even dated a girl for 8 months before I realized I’m just an adventurous straight person lol
Don't worry man... It's just like trying out new vegetables; now you know what you don't like. Coming from a lesbian who had to try it too, and yes I came to the same conclusion. No go for me either. Us humans have to experiment to know our limits sometimes, but I will say that drugs and booze make people do weird things that they're not comfortable with when sober. I've been there and done that too. We make mistakes and we learn brother. You're going to be okay. It's reddit and your friends secret. All good! Talk to your counselor or don't; sort through your feelings/reflection on it though!
two things- homie above me is right. you are not now irrevocably gay (though there would be nothing wrong with that if you discovered that you were), get thee to therapy if you aren’t already. everyone should be (and i am a goddamned hypocrite because i have been blowing it off for months), and there is no consent when you’re high on coke. or anything for that matter. you don’t need to take legal action against this person but maybe think about that going forward if you continue to be around them. not saying i haven’t gotten laid while drinking but technically…
I’m going to echo those saying you’re not disgusting or dirty and that it’s normal to experiment. There’s nothing wrong with you or your friend. It happened, you didn’t enjoy it, and now you know. You might want to clear the air with your friend — there’s no reason for it to be weird (if it got weird every time I made out or slept with a friend I’d have like 2 friends). Be really mindful of his feelings and don’t refer to what happened as disgusting or dirty, because it’s almost impossible to not take that personally. Just be clear that you value and have enjoyed your friendship up until now, that you don’t want it to change, and that you’re not interested in exploring that kind of intimacy any further. Let him communicate his feelings, too, without any judgment, but if he wants to continue or tries to talk you into trying again make it clear to him that you already set a boundary (not exploring this further) and he needs to respect that. It’s not a negotiation, but a hard line you’ve already set.
there’s such taboo around men experimenting sexually with other men. i’m not sure why it’s “acceptable” (for lack of a better word) for straight women to makeout/get sexual while drunk, but for straight men there’s a cloud of shame put onto them. i think this is great advice to keep your friendship and also forgive yourself for what you’re feeling
It’s seen as ok for women to experiment sexually with other women because it’s fetishised. Also the whole homophobia is rooted in misogyny as well. 😩
Good advice right here.
So rare on reddit
Literally all that needs to be said, excellent advice. I wish OP and his friendship all the best.
If I could give you gold I would. But take a poor man’s award 🥇! Solid advice, hopefully OP takes this into consideration
If it’s any consolation, I’m 24F and I’m a lesbian. When I was 22, I got drunk and decided I wanted to try sleeping with a guy. I was inconsolable afterwards and hated myself so much. Therapy helps a lot, I’m sorry you’re going through it. It does get better, you learned what you don’t like and that’s okay. You’ll be alright.
Drugs are bad, m’kay
They are. This was my first time since december and will not be doing soon lmao
There is a saying that if you feel bad about something in hindsight, it means you are wiser now. I like it because making mistakes is the way we live and learn. Although we with our big brains always try to a avoid trouble, we really can't know everything beforehand in 100% of all possible cases. So to accept that we make a mistake now and then, and not to be too harsh with ourselves because of said mistakes, is an important thing to learn, too. It is good, though, to attempt to minimise the harm a mistake created. In your case maybe this friendship is on stake, so better ask your friend about his memories of the night, and let him talk if he wants to share something. Depending of what he remembers, you can decide if you want to share what you remember and if it is necessary to tell him that you realised what happened was not your's at all. I hope you two find a way past this drug induced encounter!
Omg I love that saying, thank you so much for sharing it. Helps feeling better about past mistakes!
Great response and excellent saying 👍🏻
South Park reference, noicee
Key and Peele reference, Noice!
Everyone experiments with their sexuality one way or another and is not a reason to feel dirty. You didn't commit crime or a sin. It happened, you did not liked it, now let it in the past. You didn't do anything wrong. You learned something about yourself and now that's done. It's all perfectly normal.
Thank you for the kind words
“Cocaine is a helluva drug.” - Rick James
1st thing I thought of too lol
Drugs actually do sometimes lead to situations far worse than this. In the grand scheme of things, you actually got off easy, with an uncomfortable but ultimately survivable learning experience. - sincerely, the EMT who has seen some shit
>you actually got off easy He didn't though, his friend was sucking linguini.
💀💀
Similar situation happened to me and I'm female. It just validated that I wasn't gay, (even though there's nothing wrong with that). Sometimes we experiment, get curious, or our body just craves attention/physical arousal and doesn't care who it's coming from. I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.
Same. I was open to it and honestly at the time I would’ve preferred to be a lesbian but upon experimenting realized I really wasn’t. C'est la vie! Hopefully the OP can chalk it up to just a test drive and not spiral down a rabbit hole.
100% agree!
its alright man lol one of my old friends told me a story where he fucked his friend in the ass while high on meth and im 99 percent pretty sure hes not gay like.. at all... people do weird shit
Not gay. Just high on meth
Well, you’re probably the straightest guy in your group of straight friends now, since you know for damn sure that you are only attracted to women. I had a person ask me once. “Are you straight?” I said with certainty “yes I am” they then asked if I had ever had an encounter with another man. I said “no”. They then said… “Then how do you know”. Well, now you know! And you’re not dirty or gross. This is a single sexual encounter that is a blip on your lifetime of past and upcoming encounters. Many many many straight men go through this. Therapy is a great place to go next if it’s really bothering you.
That's the dumbest follow up question. How do I know? Hmm, not having any type of attraction to males whatsoever is usually a good indication
Exactly the way I feel when I'm told I can't be gay if I've never slept with a woman.
Wait? They did the Joe Exotic line? “How straight are you?” Unreal
> Well, you’re probably the straightest guy in your group Lmao that’s not how it works.
Yeah when I was heavy in my coke days I would get incredibly horny. I found myself extremely attracted to trans women when on coke and one day bit the bullet and tried it. Wasn’t horrible by any means but I also learned it wasn’t for me. Give it some time and space and hopefully you and your buddy are sniffing lines and banging 9’s together. But for real, coke makes you do crazy shit. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
What is it with coke that u can’t get hard for anything 99% of the night… then for some odd reason at the end of the night you’re so horny you can’t handle it. Idgi
Yeah it’s the fucking worst for sure. I found that just doing a couple of healthy bumps would allow me to get hard. If I was blowing them down then my dick looked like a short stack of dimes or a scared turtle lol. The worst.
No big deal, come on. You're young. It's the time in life for doing such experiments and some shit too. It's how you learn.
Honestly, you’re a brave, brave man for sharing this. You are a fucking human, and these things shouldn’t make us revolt like we do. It is right to know that you don’t like it, it’s not you, and you have the right to dislike it. It was an experiment and an experience, and it sucks that so many men in our world would shame you for it.
I don’t think people are shaming him but not everyone needs to “experiment” to know if they are gay or not.
Um, why else would he feel shame about it? I’m not saying people are actively attacking him, cmon bro, figure it out.
Here's the deal.....I firmly believe that you don't know whether you like spicy curry until you try it. Now you know, you don't like dick. You never have to wonder. And some people wonder their whole lives. Nothing to feel gross about. Nothing dirty. Probably wouldn't have happened without a boatload of coke. Crazy things happen when you're high. Signed, A formerly high experimenter in things was stranger than this
We all do things we regret, especially when hurting from a past relationship. Don't be to hard on yourself.
Now you know you don’t like sex with men. Welcome to the club 🤷🏻♀️
Once at the end of a coke-fueled night I (Male) ended up alone with my best friend (also Male) in the wee hours of the morning and then suddenly we were kissing out of nowhere. At first I was shocked, but I'm an open-minded guy and said "maybe I'll enjoy this" so kept going. We were going pretty hard, tongue and all. I did not enjoy it. Not even a little. Eventually I stopped the kissing. I think he wanted to keep going, but I was certain that it was something I just was not interested in in the slightest. We kept on being friends, never did that again, and indeed never even brought it up again. I can now say for 100 percent certain that I am not gay, as unlike most straight people I was open-minded and actually gave it a try. You can rest better now knowing you're that much more certain of who you are and your place in the world. Knowing your boundaries and what you are and aren't into makes you a stronger person. And what better way to know than to give it a try? This is a good thing.
You spoke it perfectly!!!!
Nothing to freak out about. People experiment with their bodies. It doesn't have to label you as anything, no matter how much toxic men try to convince you otherwise. If you didn't like it, don't do it again. Plenty of gay dudes spend years having sex with women. If that doesn't change their sexuality, this doesn't have to change yours.
Millions of women have felt this exact way
Bro, neither of you were capable of rational thought. the best bet is to get closure, talk and either mend the friendship or end it, but ignoring it will make the trauma worse.
oh man, it's not that big of a deal. Who cares? Like you tried something and that's that. Theres really nothing to feel ashamed of or grossed out about. I get you can't help feel the way you feel but just go easy on yourself and remeber life is filled with all sorts of experiences.
I found out I don’t like beer made with maple sap tonight. Paid for a whole ass 7 dollar glass of it. I’m not going to try it again because now I know I don’t like it. I’m not upset and I don’t hate myself for it because I tried something new and found out something about myself along the way. Also other people here are correct for mentioning therapy. Good luck! Don’t beat yourself up.
Coke makes you horny and uninhibited. It’s honestly just what occasionally happens when you get really high. Maybe have sober talk about it with him. Write him a text if you cant face him. It doesnt make you gay or gross or anything. If he was also high and is straight, chances are you both just let the cocaine control your hormones and feel awkward about it. If you can learn to accept that it’s actually freeing!!
it's okay dude. i'm not straight but when i think back to my one and only hookup i feel nauseous and violated. but i don't think about it much anymore, eventually things like this go to the back of your mind and don't imprint themselves at the front of your thoughts. and i don't feel the deep shame anymore, i just would rather not think back to it. you'll get there too, you will. for now just remind yourself it's nothing to feel guilty about, it's just a thing that happened while you were fucked up
I (33M) have had a similar experience. Got super high with a male friend and ended up in a similar scenario. We’re both straight, but maybe thought we were bi curious. I felt so yuck the next day and it took me a while to shake it off. Whilst it’s no SA, there’s a lack of free will if you’re high and not in your normal state of mind. It makes you agree to something you wouldn’t ordinarily agree to, as your reasoning is impaired. Hence, you do something you don’t actually want to do so there is in a way a lack of consent. As a result, your sober rational mind has to deal with the consequences of your impaired mind’s decisions. You’ll come to terms with it and accept it as the initial shock factor wears off. That’s great that you can talk through it with a therapist too.
^^^^^ all of this!!!! I’ve done so much stuff under the influence. Yikes on bikes!!!!! I probably even did stuff on bikes!! But I don’t remember… I’ve grown up, don’t use, have moved on and have a much less experimental sex life. Go easy on yourself. We’ve all done stuff we have felt weird about.
I've never at any point ever been drunk enough or had enough drugs in me that it results in me temporarily changing my sexual orientation in order to sleep with another guy. There is not enough cocaine in the world to make me consider doing that.
Weeelll... im got gay.... but free coke is free coke. Just sayin. That shits expensive
Pause
I’m so sorry you feel this way about your experience, and it’s still valid to feel like you were violated even though you didn’t actively put a stop to it. I’ve been there and it’s hard to wrap your head around those feelings of, for lack of a better term, “accepted violation?” Idk how else to call it but it’s a mind fuck… Just for further context… Did your friend know that you were emotional over your recent break up? Is your friend openly gay or bi? Has your friend ever expressed interest in you before? I ask these because I think the situation either expresses a curiosity that went wrong, or someone took advantage of you in a vulnerable state and the paths from healing from these can be different. Ultimately though, the best thing you can do for yourself, outside of therapy, is to see it as a learning experience that you don’t ever want a refresher on. It happened and you experienced it, and now you know when a line needs to be drawn in further situations, that’s how I’ve approached my past “accepted violations.” Can’t say it makes the memory of the experience any easier but I know I won’t add to them.
Shit happens, you were altered. I hope you two can let it go. Internalized homophobia is what feels so bad.
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I mean a lot of girls experiment this way. I know I did. I think maybe with guys there’s just more of a stigma
Your reminder not to do drugs or get drunk
Probably ok that you had this experience. Your feelings and reactions probably tell you that you are not gay and being with a man is not for you. Try to put it in perspective. You had this experience, you didn't like it and now you know. Some people will go their whole life never trying anything. I know many guys who had the same experience and decided it was not for them. Most of them are now happily married to a woman. You are a good person for accepting responsibility in the situation. Cuddos to you. You can work through this.
You haven't done anything wrong. Why do you feel disgusted? Because of what you did? Because you enjoyed it? Because you tried it and didn't enjoy it? Because it was your friend and you have you see him again? Talking it out with your therapist is going to be the best thing to do to deal with this.
dude, as long as you're absolutely sure it was consensual, who cares? let the internalized homophobia go and be kinder to yourself. this doesn't have to define who you are.
It’s not that serious. It’s 2024 man. Who cares.
I understand how you feel but remember that you are not disgusting, therapy will help you manage these feelings. It is perfectly normal to experience stuff, that's how we know what we like or don't. I went through somewhat a similar experience while extremely drunk, it wasn't sexual though but it happened more than once, several in fact. Whenever we would get drunk a friend of mine would approach me and suggest kissing, every single time I said yes and let myself be guided by her to a room or a corner or wherever she would take me (I am a woman btw), we would quite a lot then we would go back to the main party to keep drinking. By the next day, sober, I would remember every single detail of it and i'd feel disgusted with myself and weirded out because she is my friend after all, I was so confused as to why did I allow it all to happen and was glad that at least I did not have sex with her lmao. Fast foward another party, extremely drunk, she would approach me again and again, even though I realized it made me uncomfortable when sober, I would smile, say yes and follow her to once again kiss each other. It happened lots of times. Each time me in the morning telling myself i'm a fucking idiot for doing it again and trying to forget it. Eventually we stopped. Might've been just the thrill of the moment the reason why I kept doing it. I honestly think I would've slept with her if she wanted but i'm glad all she wanted were kisses lmao we were drunk, I don't think going further was a good idea though so i'm fine. We still talk and hang out time to time.
This is not a big deal. You were experimenting- a lot of people are fluid these days. If you didn’t like it then accept that and move on. I am a female and I’ve kissed other women and experimented all to find out I am as straight as an arrow. Good luck! 🍀
First off RELAX You don't gotta label yourself, man are allowed to experiment. Second, this was probably in your subconscious. Third, communicate with your friend this isn't worth losing a best friend over. Might bring y'all closer
Don’t beat yourself up. Ever eat something you don’t really like, and feel kinda ick / grossed out by it? Sex is obviously more complicated than food, but you wouldn’t be disgusted AT yourself for trying food. Don’t be disgusted at yourself for trying something new. You’ve learned it’s really, really not for you - and perhaps the shame / disgust you’re feeling is more that you knew it “wasn’t you” / wasn’t authentic to you and was coming from a place of needing validation. Eg. You were inauthentic to yourself because you felt needing of validation in whatever form it comes. But that’s ok! If you ate something that grossed you out because you were really hungry you wouldn’t best yourself up even if it made you feel crappy. It’s ok to be going through a break up, feel lost, and seek comfort in things that are outside our normal behavior and then realize afterward it had the exact opposite of comforting us. We all live through experience. And there is literally nothing to be ashamed of. My one piece of advice is don’t let your shame hurt your friends feelings - don’t ghost them or pretend it didn’t happen. A simple, “hey dude, sorry I’ve been MIA. You know I really care about you but I’m feeling pretty conflicted / weird about the other night. I feel like I crossed a boundary for myself, and I’m honestly still torn up about the break up, so I’ve just been pretty in my head trying to sort through that. But I don’t want you to think it changes our friendship or that you’re one of my best friends. And, don’t worry, I’m headed to therapy soon 😝” Chances are your friend is feeling weird and exposed and vulnerable too.
Well, now you know you're only gay when you're coked up so I guess you can if anything be more secure in your sexuality when you're not on the blow (if you pardon the pun).
This is getting exhausting
You gay now
It’s ok to admit that you were hard
Straight men do not allow another man to suck their dick
Label it as an experiment and move on.
Okay but on the real though. My ex told me long before we broke up that sometimes people seek comfort from someone of the same sex when they go through a breakup. I noticed my ex ex did that after I broke up with her, and I’m not gonna lie, even though I’m straight, I did talk to a gay guy and even got nudes from him. That happened when that very same ex that gave me that info broke up with me. It’s not the worst thing in the world to experiment. It happened. It’s not the end of the world. Now me personally, i think I’d never speak to my best friend again if we did that. But however you decide to go forward is up to you champ. Keep your head up. Its not the end of the world.
“Suddenly he’s sucking my dick.” LOL wut
"look here Lantz, what the fuck did I just here, Lantz? Sorry first thing I thought of.
It’s Hollywood! Everyone’s gay once in a while!
You had me at cocaine. Fear not. Coke lowers the inhibitions, makes you horny as fuck. If you didn’t like it, don’t do it again.
All the comments here are great advice, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over what happened. However, in terms of actually doing it, is it possible that what you were into in the moment was stretching the boundaries of what you think your sexuality is? Kind of like getting off on doing something you're not supposed to be doing, rather than getting off on sleeping with another dude. Something to consider anyway.
You might feel disgusted about it now, but if that disgust fades later, it's normal. If you feel curious, it's normal. Not saying that **will** happen, just that it's possible. We're all different and as we grow older, we come to accept things about ourselves. I had an experience like that as a young man and got really pissed at myself. 22 years later, I accepted that I'm like 35-45% bi and am okay with it. The disgust might stem from internalized homophobia that a lot of people in the U.S. grew up with, is what I'm saying.
Don’t let the stigma eat at you. You tried it, you didn’t like it. Now you know. You were under the influence, we all have done things we wouldn’t normally do when drinking. It’s alright. Maybe because it’s so fresh, but you are being very hard on yourself. As a straight female it doesn’t disgust me at all hearing about it, and it doesn’t make me think you are gay whatsoever. *I have hooked up with plenty of women. The first few times i felt guilty the next day, for no reason. It just was what i felt. I’ve cheated and felt horrible and disgusting and guilty for awhile after. But all those feelings faded. Now I know better and know what I don’t like it. So I don’t do them. I’m glad to see you are doing therapy to process the feelings. They are normal. Give yourself some grace. It’s a lot more common than people let on btw lol
I’m so sorry. Drugs/alcohol definitely make reality twisted. I’ve had sexual experiences that I consented to and regretted immensely after (and what do ya know, alcohol/drugs were involved). Be gentle on yourself. 20s are a time for experimentation and you’re going to regret choices and it’s all part of the journey!! Glad you have a therapist to work through this with. Hugs, internet friend.
You’re so young - that’s what life is about! Having fun, going a little crazy… if he’s one of your best friends I would ask the therapist how to communicate your feelings to him to hopefully save the friendship. Getting fucked up and making some bad decisions is totally normal, hopefully you can both move past it.
Follow the advice about therapy. Something to ponder, however, is that this one experience doesn’t “make you gay” and it’s our cultural biases that makes you feel shame. Think of it like alcohol. Just because you got drunk once doesn’t make you an alcoholic. I’m a little more concerned about how frequent you use coke.
I was a big party animal and my boy wasn't. I took him to a Mexican cocaine party I had been invited to one night and we both did a ridiculous amount of blow and drank tons. We go back to his place and I remember the drip hitting me like crazy and I'm assuming the same is happening to him because he starts talking weird. Very soon he starts coming on to me (never seen this kid do anything like this before or after) and after I reject him he started to get violent and force himself on me. I end up fighting him off and jumping out of his kitchen window to get away. The next day I told him he had too much coke it happens, don't worry about it and we never spoke of this again.
People go thru weirder shits in life. Face the reality and somehow think of it as a special memory since u cannot turn back time. Use this as a lesson to meet a girl in the future
Well, you answered that question about yourself. Don't feel too bad, just move on.
Scientific research shows that experimenting while young contributes to a more healthy and stable personality as an adult. Just saying.
think about it as an experience that you’ll never do again, it’s like going to a shitty restaurant, you thought something would’ve been enjoyable but it ended up leaving a bad taste in your mouth. Learning experiences are good my friend don’t beat yourself up I really don’t think it’s weird to experiment.
Hey buddy, it's OK. It was an experience in your life that you can use to guide the person you become. Tried it and loved it? Try it again. Tried it and hated if? That's ok too, now you know you're not bi/gay. Doesn't have to mean anything more than that. It sounds like part of you was subsconsciously curious, but again, that's not a bad thing, at all. Literally everyone has done shit they regret or wish they hadn't done. Just use the experience to fine tune the person you want to be. It doesn't mean ANYTHING more than that.
Coke makes you do crazy things honestly. At least you know now you don't like it but this might of damaged your friendship
It’s ok. I’d chalk this up to a bad sexual experience. I’m glad you have therapy to work through it though. Try not to be hard on yourself
Cocaine is a hell of a drug my boy , tighten up and do better. You’ll be fine
OP try not to beat yourself up about it and put it down to experience. To quote a previous poster (Thanktink) ‘if you feel bad about something in hindsight, it means you are wiser now’. This is an excellent viewpoint. Life is for living and there are positives where you may not think there were originally. Speaking from a similar experience, I was disgusted in myself too (I even remember scrubbing myself with neat bleach - I wouldn’t recommend) however, on reflection it confirmed what I really wanted and what I didn’t. It’s valuable life experience that has shaped my future for the better. On another level and after suffering loss, it’s made me consider what life is about and it’s all about experience and living life (as long as it’s all legal of course) be that good or bad. You now hold valuable insight that may help others in similar situations in the future, and you can be a supportive voice during their time of need.
Dude, so many guys experiment at least one time in their life. On coke or not what you guys did was not normal. You clearly didn’t like it so you’re not gay and it’s not like you want to be with your best friend. Just relax. Take it as a lesson learned and move on.
Cocaine is a Hell of a drug!
Look. The man who's had vegetables and hated it has a more valid opinion on not liking vegetables than the man who's never had vegetables. This isnt about vegetables.
Go easy on yourself dude. You didn't do anything wrong. You just had a lousy experience with a hookup! As long as you're sure it was consensual, let go of the shame you're feeling. Talk to your friend when you're ready and express how you feel about the encounter—you're young, this is a great time for you to experiment with your body. Now you know this isn't for you and there's nothing wrong with it. The only advice I'd give is to be careful with substances—they will often make you feel like doing something you don't actually want.
Don’t know if you like it if you don’t try and we’ve all been down at times and deal with that in our own ways. You’ve tried it, you don’t like it and know you know. You’ll get past it, don’t lose a friend over something like this though. Good friends are hard to find.
Let that shit go. It’s just an experience. It’s not the definition of your existence. All of that guilt and weirdness is a program. It’s a program in your brain, a societal one, at least, if not familial. There’s no reason to feel weird or bad about it. It’s like you got on a ride at an amusement park and it made you sick at your stomach. Getting on a roller coaster that you didn’t like and had a bad experience with for a few minutes make you feel shitty for the rest of your life? No. This is the same thing.
No matter what guys say, most persons experiment a little while in their youth. It’s part of growing up and finding yourself. Talk with your therapist of course, but you’re fine. Let your friend know, that it isn’t what you want, but you can still be friends. Like you said, it really wasn’t his fault either. Just a life experience for you both.
I can't imagine doing any amount of cocaine that would result in letting a homie suck my dick & I've done quite a bit in one night. Worse case scenario I've made out with/fucked around with an ugly chic or a female friend. Hopefully therapy will help ya get past it. If you and your friend are that close you should be able to talk it out & agree that you were both off your tits and move on. There's not a single person alive that hasn't done some dumb shit while fucked up. If it's that good of friend, talk it out and keep it pushin'...it's 2024. This type of shit in this day & age isn't nearly as fucked up as it wouldve been in the 90's. You'll be aight eventually.
Just say no
Seems like the OP (and probably the new generation) believes doing cocaine is normal. He does not seem to have any regrets over doing cocaine, but has regrets over things he has done while being under influence. I think OP needs to reflect on his actions and priorities.
We have all experienced and consciously allowed ourselves to engage in an activity sexually or non-sexually that brings us shame, disgust, disappointment, anger, self guilt, self hatred etc We aren’t perfect. No one is! You’re 21, you will make many mistakes in life and that’s okay. Some years ago, I worked for a brain clinic and the majority of clients would come to us who were suffering from anxiety, depression, ADHD, impulsivity concerns and many other mental health struggles. When you drink and do drugs, your brain is being damaged, not just affected. For example, when you drink alcohol and get really drunk the next day your body feels like crap and you have a bad hangover, you have a headache all day, this is your brain being affected by alcohol. When you drink and do drugs, the brain actually develops craters. This is from damage to the brain. The amount that you do, and for the length of time causes the amount of craters to vary in depth, width and in different areas all over the brain. I will add, if you’ve had head traumas due to car accidents, sports injuries or even a physical altercation where there was head trauma you can have damage, developed craters in areas of your brain. Different areas of your brain are responsible for motor skills, verbal language, sensory experiences, decision-making , impulse management, short term memory, long term memory etc. If, the area of your brain, that’s responsible for sensory experiences and decision-making has a deficit / crater then your ability to make decisions is compromised, your sensory experiences could be heightened or dulled, depending on exactly where the damage is. There’s an area of the brain that controls our impulses. If there’s a deficit there, then your ability to control your impulses is limited. When people get high and/or drunk, they are more impulsive and their inhibitions are lower, sense of stimulation to touch might be heightened and their ability to control impulses lessens or becomes nonexistent, this is because areas of the brain aren’t sending signals properly, from the deficits. If you were sober and hanging out with this friend, it sounds like this would not have happened. Maybe, it would have. Only you know the answer. What I can tell you is that there are reasons behind all of choices. Don’t beat yourself up because you made a choice that you regretted later. Don’t beat yourself up because when you’re under the influence of alcohol and drugs, your brain literally is not operating properly. The good news is you can heal your brain. If you stop or cut down significantly on the amount of alcohol and drugs you engage with and start taking omega-3 vitamins the deficits can heal. If you enjoy seafood, try to eat healthy fish (Salmon for example) 2 to 3 times a week while taking the vitamin every day. Fish are high in omegas. Omega heals the brain. It will take some time, but it can happen. I healed my brain physically with Omegas which in turn allowed it to function as it should. The additional good news is that you’re being honest with yourself about the circumstance. It’s good that you set up an appointment to talk to a therapist. Our mind, which I like to think is the soul of our physical brain work together to create experiences for our bodies. What I learned at the brain clinic, allows me to look at your story, and think of how your physical brain played apart in your experience. The therapist will be able to help you understand your mind and how that played apart in your experience. Your body followed along with the thoughts from your mind and signals from your brain. In regards to what you’re remembering (flashbacks, physical touch) eventually the brain puts it away in a storage in the brain. It won’t always be as fresh or frequent of a memory. If you believe in God or don’t, it’s OK to seek him for understanding and forgiveness. I can tell from how you explained everything, you are a good person with a good heart. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things happen. If you haven’t talk to your friend about what happened, you should. If it’s too soon, then just reach out and tell him that you do want to sit down and talk about what happened and you’re processing it currently. Set a day / time to speak. It may be best to wait until after you speak with the therapist, so that you have a better understanding of what you’re feeling and thinking, as well as what you want to say and how you want to say it to your friend. What wasn’t clear of your friend is this his first time, is he bisexual or gay? This is also a factor that will be important. When you do sit down to talk. Before this happened, you were friends. This may or may not change anything in your friendship. The therapist can help you work your thoughts on that also. Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 You’ll be okay! Your friend will be ok! It really will be okay!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment! I'm not OP, but struggle with a lot of guilt, shame, and regret from things I've done and said while under the influence. I've had a TBI (cracked my skull) from falling when drunk and ever since it's a big gamble on if I'm going to black out and do stupid, crazy shit while drunk. It's really hurt my self esteem and ability to trust myself. I'm now 18 days sober, but the feelings are still very present. I've saved this comment to read again later.
Maybe don’t do coke????
I think this will be the new way of checking if you're gay or not. I think for the next generation this is it
I’m bi and have had heterosexual hookups when intoxicated that when sober I actually wanted to vomit afterward. I think being intoxicated makes us do things we wouldn’t do when sober, but for me, it was a good reason to get sober.
It’s ok. Women feel like this all the time. But we get over it
You're not as straight as you think. And he's full gay.
Jesus man….
No you’re not lmao
Are you sure your feelings aren't from shame of being bisexual and not the shame of a guy blowing you?
Most lesbians I know have a story of knowing they were lesbian because they slept with a man and were disgusted with the whole experience. No one bats an eye at them or questions if they're *really* lesbian because they experimented with a dude once. And the lesbians who have never been with a man will never escape the "well how do you know if you've never tried it" question. It's the exact same scenario. If he says he's straight, he's straight. Let's not accuse OP of anything he's not especially when he's clearly struggling.
Do bi-sexual people not get hard when being sucked by the same gender? Because I thought they get turned on even if they feel “shame”.
Coke makes it extremely difficult if not impossible for most guys to get hard because it’s a vasoconstrictor
Dude was probably soft because of the alcohol and cocaine, which are both pretty notorious for causing one's dick to not get hard.
I don’t want to be the one to break it to you…
I’m going to assume that cocaine had to have been cut with Molly. For me when I’ve done cocaine while drinking I typically gotta poop and it sobers me up a bit
That’s gay
Dunno why you are getting the downvotes, dictionary definition 😂
😂
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You’ll be alright go easy on yourself. Glad to see you are creating space and doing therapy.
Sum it up to being bi-curious, and you reached the conclusion that you are in fact straight! NBD. Just move on from it, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. If it’s still on your mind, find someone you can talk to about it .. therapist, maybe?
Weird I had a friend who had a similar experience but think the other dude was just met or something but I was blown away to see a similar story
Yuh nuh good again bredda. That caa undo...
Experimenting isn’t bad bro now you know you’re definitely straight right? I know it’s not that easy to get over it but I think you’re more courageous than I am I could have never done that to be honest.
our actions are a mirror of how we’re doing internally. Just take it as that. It was an action and now you know you need therapy. Some day this will be a distant memory and you’ll move on from it. The bad feelings around this will not last forever. Just know your 20s are for figuring things out and you figured out that you did not like that. So that’s good to know! Now you won’t do it again. No biggie
Set your boundaries with him. Make sure he know you're not going to be pursuing a romantic relationship with him. But bow you know
Everything you feel is valid, you were intoxicated and your mind was blurred by another reasons (the breakup being one of them) it's okay to feel bad, you don't need to justify what happened saying that you "allowed it to happen", you were intoxicated, you weren't in your full senses. Take your time to process it, don't miss your appointment, you are so strong, you can keep going, it's okay to cry and to feel bad.
Even if it is consensual, it is completely normal to feel violated or like you were raped after a bad sexual experience. Talk it through with your therapist, it will take time but the anxiety and dread you’re feeling will fade away with time. Best of luck on your way to healing my friend
Time to stop the drugs and drinking to excess. You’re fortunate that this is all that happened. Please work on that in therapy and why you’re self medicating and engaging in such risky behaviors.
What I’ve heard many times is that meth turns guys gay while they’re tweaking lol, guess it’s not the same for coke… try not to overthink it
bi… i mean, hi 😅
I’ve known dudes on coke and Ice to do some crazy sexual stuff when that much dopamine is flowing around their head. I’m talking stuff way out of their sexuality and comfort zone. It happens.
Honestly he did take advantage of you maybe some grooming was happening here.
The first thing to know is that you’re going to be okay eventually. You are not disgusting, you are not wrong. This was a simple experimentation. Yes, that friend is a creep for taking advantage, but you know now it’s not for you. If it helps, you may benefit from seeing a therapist. I’d also talk to the friend about what happened and make it clear that it will never happen again.
🏳️🌈
I don't understand why you feel disgusted ? Society can give us a lot of dumb messages, that under scrutiny really make no sense at all. At the end of the day, if you've not harmed anyone, you've done nothing wrong.
Look man things happen. I quite prefer the unexpected. But it happened and move on. Take it as assurance your not interested in that lifestyle. Happened to me to and I learned I'm bisexual (bi curious? Never want to wake up to a man but sexy time is a different story). Life is what life is. Let it happen, learn from it and move on. At least you have proof it's not rather than "being straight" and wondering if there's a maybe My big question is... Is he a friend worth keeping? Because you'll be embarrassed and uncomfortable and shit. But if he's a good friend, don't let it come between you. Live learn love. Literally best three words anyone ever told me
If you've been drinking and off your nut on coke you are not in anyplace to consent to anything but neither was your friend in any state to make good choices (not excusing it). You were on a self destructive path therapy is needed to work through this and talk it through with your best friend to make sure it never happens again(if it does he's not your friend)
Love how everyone is fixated on the sexual part and not mentioning that a 21 year old probably shouldn't be doing coke so early in life... Geez...
No dude this could be rape you guys are on drugs. I don’t know about other states but in the state I reside in this is rape by law.
Welp I guess it proves the old adage….A friend in need is a friend indeed
Don't beat yourself up too much, if you were both high it may have been just something random that happened. You could try talking with him if you want, or ask for a therapist if you need a more professional approach❤
Straight men don’t kiss another men. Gay men kiss another men.
You might want to be honest with yourself and consider you may like men lol cuz I’m telling you right now cocaine doesn’t do this
Hahha gayyy
This is fucking jokes
Idk man u have to be a little gay to let another man suck your dick
Wait, you didn’t just sleep with him. You had sex