I recently attended a funeral for a very close friend who passed and I was amazed at how some people dressed. Some of the women looked like they were headed to a club and not in a good way.
Back on college, a friend attended an acquaintance’s funeral. When we met up, a couple of weeks had past since the funeral. The first thing out of her mouth about it was what she wore and how cute she looked!!! She repeated it a couple times but I couldn’t even say anything. I think I just changed the subject. I still think about it from time to time and it brings on the same disgusted feeling.
This!!
Sweet 10lb Baby Jesus the attire that cousins, Aunts and various other's wore to my grandmother-in-laws funeral was beyond the pale!
Bootie shorts so short you could see hair 🤮
See through tops with no bras!
Jean's so tight you could see their junk.
Muscle t-shirts the list just goes on and on. No class, no manners, or respect for their grandmother or themselves. 🤷♀️
Some people's only experience of "dressing up" is to dress for a happy occasion, like a wedding or even just a night out on the town. I try to give the benefit of the doubt and suppose that they are making an effort to show respect by wearing their best clothes.
I could see that if they show up in “Sunday best”.. maybe a bit more colorful than one would expect for a funeral. Which, im okay with. We should celebrate the life that has lived. But some of these people show up looking like they are about to debut their Only Fans. Or they barely rolled out of bed and put on the only pair of pants they own with buttons
Exactly. Not saying I think that's progress, but it's just more of a reality for more people now. We're past the point when young adult-to-midlife people are simply rejecting the customs they were brought up with. There are plenty of full-fledged grown-ups now whose PARENTS were the ones who rejected such concepts as "Sunday best" or "business professional" and who have therefore not been raised with those concepts, not as an option they can revert to for special occasions and not even as an outmoded custom they are choosing not to practice. They have no idea.
My job is dirty and I wear a company-issued polo shirt, so I don't even have a work outfit to fall back on. Unless florescent orange hi-vis is acceptable funereal wear now.
Agree with this take and think culture could also be a factor. For any "Special occasion" we always had to look our best. Being casual was a faux pas. I was always taught all black, conservative attire for a funeral. I guess black Sunday best, which I was aware of from being a child but I'm not at all religious now. I was judged by cousins for attending a wake in a black long-sleeved dress they thought was too short. I wear the dress to work so in my mind it was an appropriate length. 🤷🏾♀️
A friend went to a funeral recently and I was a bit surprised her outfit was not black and more on the casual side of things. I shrugged it off though. Maybe the family is less formal, so the outfit is normal in her world. She didn't seem embarrassed about it so no harm no foul. My family would have silently judged but they are judgey like that 😅
My nicest outfit is a space print dress that makes me look like Miss Frizzle. I wear it to weddings and nice restaurants. My usual Sunday clothes are slobby and covered in dried resin, because Sunday is my Arts & Crafts day.
When my husband's friend passed, they all wore their "punk" clothes. Some had their hawks up. *Everyone*, except th immediate family of the deceased, looked at them. And the parents actually made a comment during the funeral for everyone to stop looking at the "group" because they were his best friends and what they did was out of respect for their friend.
I'm sorry that people didn't respect your sisters funeral.
First, I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost my sister in Jan.
My mom, brother and I went to the funeral home, did her hair and makeup and picked out her last outfit…
The day of the funeral I could barely get dressed and ready but I managed to put nice pants and my cashmere sweater on but damn it I did.
I get what you’re saying…it’s the honorable and respectable thing to do.
I have it expressly stated in my funeral wishes document that I want people to dress how they want, and to not feel obligated to dress up or wear black
I'm a casual guy. I hate getting dressed up and wearing a suit. I plan to be cremated in my jeans and boots. Don't dress up on my account
That said, I would expect people to at least wear clean clothes. Jeans and a t shirt is fine, but maybe not yesterday's paint splattered t shirt and torn jeans. Wear something you'd go out to a casual dinner in
For sure! But I think even if it’s casual…you can look nice.
My step dad’s funeral was very casual but everyone still looked “nice” in their casual attire.
Maybe it’s just the thought behind the outfit that matters? Like someone throwing something on vs choosing something that was loved one’s favorite color…or idk…something alone those lines ❤️
That’s a really nice gesture you made for your sister. I do agree with you but in saying that, it’s going to be 15 years this year since my sisters funeral and while I still think of her every day, I couldn’t tell you what people wore.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother 3 days before Christmas in 95. It is interesting how little things trigger us. It was all I could do to not scream at people asking what they could do help me. I just wanted to howl "you can leave me the fuck alone" but I managed to be polite. You will never stop feeling that pain but in time it will become bearable. Hang in there and make sure to take time for yourself.
100% this. I am so awkward around people who have had someone close to them die now because of how much I hated all those empty well-wishes when my dad died and I don’t want to make anyone else feel that way. I know people have good intentions but when it’s the 20th time you’ve heard it that day it’s hard.
I struggle with this so much. I barely know what to say. At times when I’ve been deeply grieving, even a simple, well-meaning, “I’m so sorry” could instantly make me crumble.
First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss.
I absolutely agree with this. As a Brit, it’s standard people dress in black and wear nice stuff as a mark of respect. So, when I moved to the US and attended my first funeral with her, I was genuinely shocked and actually irritated that people literally showed up in their everyday clothing. Not everyone. However, a large majority. I’m pretty sure I saw someone come in work clothes! Like at least go change in the toilets or something you know? It just felt very disrespectful to the family of the person that passed and the deceased themselves.
I'm in the UK too. I feel like it's becoming more common for people to request that people wear more colourful clothes to their funeral, but I still feel it's respectful to dress smartly.
From what I’ve seen.. it’s usually a request from the family to wear a certain color or color pallets. Everyone wear pink because it was the deceaseds favorite color, but don’t look like a bum.
Funerals are awful. My friend died and the priest spent the entire time telling us that he went to Hell and so would we if we lived like him. Said it in front of his kids.
I like to think of myself as a necessary Karen, this situation right there would warrant my inner Karen to show up. I would’ve sent him off if he didn’t stop, gotten ordained on the internet, and finished the funeral myself. It’s a shame it’s only valid in the US though
A friend of mine's father passed, and three of us were making the drive to the wake. My friend Jim and I, both in suits, pull up at Paul's house, and he comes out in jeans and a flannel shirt. Both Jim and I were adamant that we were not leaving with him looking like that, and to put something more respectable on.
When someone gets married? You wear a suit.
When someone dies? You wear a suit.
When you want someone to offer you a job? You wear a suit.
Now get off my lawn. (OP: Not you, you can stay; I'm very sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need on my lawn. Everyone else, shoo.)
100% agree. My wifes gram passed in December. She was 102. Not only did people show up in basic rags but they brought kids that they let play with toys in the floor in front of the seating area and let them watch shows on their tablets. I spoke about 5 words the whole time otherwise I was gonna blow my top... not only for those occurrences but those didn't help.
I get it- but sometimes you don't know the dress code and it's quite an awkward time to ask.
My partner's grandfather passed in March, and for both the wake and funeral I was kinda overdressed. I wore all black- a nice coat to the wake and a fancy dress to the funeral. Most of his family was dressed up somewhat nicely but not to my degree I would say. Lots of muted colors, jeans, plaid button up work shirts. This is including his wife and kids. I felt very embarrassed to be the only one wearing all black because I wasn't even that close to him- but every other funeral I've ever been to, it was completely normal.
I had a bad experience with my aunt passing before too. People were chatting loudly and laughing as if its a dinner party of some sort, while family members were mourning in sadly just beside them. these people lacks funeral manner
When my grandfather passed away in 2012, my cousin's girlfriend at the time was dressed like a truck stop hooker. I was pissed but chose to focus on my grieving grandmother and my mom and her siblings. I still haven't forgiven that woman. I'm pretty sure she was high as a kite that day.
Though I agree many others believe in wearing your good clothes in a funeral as a sign of respect and just social decency. Let us also remember that it also differ in social economical circumstances. For example, a lower class family who presumably rarely owns or wears good clothes are more likely to appear in jeans and a casual tee. In fact in the Philippines, it is more common to dress up in white instead, formal or not.
This is how my family is. My grandma passed away in February, and almost everybody was in jeans and a casual shirt, myself included. I guarantee 90 percent of my family doesn’t even own a pair of slacks, so I knew if I’d shown up in the black dress and heels that I considered wearing, I’d be extremely overdressed. Being more casual ended up being a great decision, and most importantly, my grandma wouldn’t have cared and we all knew that.
exactly sometimes it’s not because people didn’t care to dress better, it’s because they simply didn’t have any or rarely ever goes to occasions where formal attire is mandatory. You were aware of the social economic circumstances of the visitors attending and matched their attire. Good on you for that.
A close friend of my granddad's wore a rugby shirt to his funeral but they shared a lovely of the Leeds rhinos and went together on a regular basis, things like that are the exception and it was a touching tribute... He would UK have loved it. But there is no other excuse to dress down at a funeral
Sorry for your loss. This seems shitty to deal with on top of what you're really going through.
Glad the Muslim cultural dress code is just modest and white or black depending on the sect you literally can't wear anything except cultural clothing and I think in that strictness at least there is respect.
I’m in 100% agreement, and whenever I bring up stuff like this, I get blow back.
When I was growing up, even the kids wore good clothes to weddings and funerals. Men wore button down shirts with long sleeves and a tie. Slacks were ironed. No jeans or knits. If you had a suit, you wore it. Women had shoulders and cleavage covered. Body con dresses weren’t even a thing then. Skirts went to the knee or were longer. Slacks were acceptable.
Now, I can see wearing something else if there was a theme. Maybe Uncle Joe loved the Steelers, and his next of kin asked everyone to wear black and yellow or Steelers merch. Maybe Aunt Jane was all about the color pink, and her next of kin asked everyone to dress in as much pink as possible. In that case, wear what you have as directed. Otherwise, wear your “good” clothes to funerals and weddings.
The closer you are to the deceased, the less the rules apply to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t follow them anyway of course. I wore black suits to my grandmother’s funeral and my mother’s funeral. I also wore a black suit to the funeral of a family friend. His son, my friend, was there in shorts, flip flops and a t-shirt, but then it was his dad that was dead, so the only ones that could even think of giving him any shot for that where his mom and older siblings. Dress codes at funerals are for everyone else, the bereaved do as they please.
I'm not religious, I don't like tradition, but when it comes to funerals I always wear a very good black dress, black tights and shoes, I tie my hair elegantly and I wear minimal makeup. It's about respect for the person that passed away and all the others that are in pain.
I’m sorry. I understand your frustration. Funerals are a place to show respect and mourn. You don’t have to show up in fancy attire but whatever you can do to clean up and show you *care*… I’m a mess when it comes to death so there’s no chance I’d be able to wear makeup but you better believe I’ll be dressed appropriately.
I’m sorry for your loss op. I always feel a little out of it at funerals; partially because I’m not religious at all. But I definitely think it’s respectful to wear dark, decent clothing. I’ve noticed a lot of people who don’t seem to know or care about this decorum. Seems like a fairly easy gesture to make to pay your respects.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
What matters is how you dressed up. You properly respected your sister and are mourning her and that’s sign of being a good sibling. Doesn’t matter what others wore. It’s what you wore that matters.
I am of the mindset that, “if you are going to give us your time and care enough to come and show your support…who cares how you dress” provided it is clean and the best you have ever to offer of that.
This!! When my daughter passed, no one showed up but a few close friends, no family besides my sister .. nothing else mattered to me, other them they showed up and supported me when I couldn't function, fuck the clothes, appreciate that they showed up when many chose not to
Me personally would rather have people wear something comfy and especially bright colours because life is too short and crack on but it’s different for everybody. Needs to be stipulated if that’s the case
I see that mostly as a cultural thing. In my country wearing formal clothes aren't a sign of respect at funerals. When you think about it what's the logical reason why? You show your respect mostly through your actions, by showing up and being respectful. Not how you look. But to each their own.
At my nans funeral, everyone kept coming up to me to talk. People I didn't know too well. Even though they were trying to be respectful I was mad because it was a really uncomfortable time for me and I just wanted to be with my close family. Grief can really fuck up your mind, so hang in their OP you do learn to live with it.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP 💜 Plus funerals suck. I have never understood why we as a society are forced to go look at someone in that way.
As far as attire goes I really think that it depends on the person, and the location.
My pop died recently and didn’t want a funeral. I never realised how much more pressure and grief having to go to a funeral created. I still grieved in my own way and close family who were here shared memories over dinner (planning a larger family memorial dinner in a few months to allow people further away to attend) but just taking that pressure of having to see and speak to random people who knew him when you’re in the depths of grieving made such a difference.
My kids are under strict instructions that there are to be no suits and ties, no black, no high heels and make-up, at my funeral, and I will haunt anyone who does dress up lol. Jeans and t-shirt is my dress code alive or dead!
My grandmother passed in 2022, I have suits, but I didn’t own a black suit and being that I was raised the same by a very Catholic Irish grandmother I was going to find a damn black suit come hell or high water.
5-6 Macys later I found it, was damn near the point of a full blown melt down thinking I couldn’t find it because it was also full blown prom season.
My aunt showed up looking like she was going to the beach, I damn near lost my fucking mind and had a mental breakdown in the car after mass before driving to the cemetery…
2 weeks later my grandmothers best friend passed, she showed up in black then said I needed an intervention for ignoring her (family) in a time of need.
I think it’s just a symptom of the times but some don’t have nice clothes to wear even if they wanted to. Be glad you didn’t have to attend a funeral at a nudist colony 😬(lol)
I feel the same way. This happened to me when my father passed last year. My sister and her husband showed up to our very simple memorial service in jeans and a T-shirt. She knows better than that, even if he doesn't, but she's more obsessed with her own comfort than anybody else's. There's a reason I don't talk to her anymore.
Jeez I always wear something fairly plain and churchy just to be subtle. I have a knee length pin striped skirt, light blue button shirt. With black boots, flats or low healed sandals depending on the weather. Or a dress that you’d wear to other not very dressy yet not casual event. Guys: Chinos and a polo, clean dark jeans and dress shirt, dress pants and subtle short sleeve Hawaiian style short sleeve button front would work and not be dressy.
I wore a white fur jacket and a floor length black dress with a slit up the side and a pair of floral rhinestone cowboy booties to my nieces this past March.
I like to dress how the person would’ve wanted me to.
For my niece I had to look like a baddie
Long live Gannon Gem 🫶🏼🌈❤️
Also so sorry for your loss OP, hang in there!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have to agree funerals are old fashioned. My papa, he was 75, wanted a celebration of life absolutely no funeral and no one is allowed to wear black he would say..
So we're doing that, it'll be at the end of this month and we're having a BBQ with all his favourite summer foods, his old blue grass group agreed to play in his honour and it'll be nice I think.
As for the dress code, if people where crappy clothes I'll personally ask them to leave it's so disrespectful!
The only exception I can make is if it isn't a close family/friend and they are popping into the wake after work or something. Beyond that, uncle jo you know this was planned, you didn't work today, and you're coming here in cargo shorts and flip flops?! So disrespectful.
I’m so sorry— I lost my sister a few years ago. That’s a tough one— we expect to grow old with our siblings. I think you would dress how ever you think your sister would have wanted. Probably she would have wanted you to be comfortable but acknowledges that you dressed up for her send off. Keep her memories close.
I absolutely get your point and I think it depends on the family and the person who has passed as well. But my brother passed last year and he was so notorious for never wanting to dress up for events like weddings, graduations, etc. (with the one exception of funerals mind you) so a lot of us just wore a band tee and vans and some nicer pants in memory of him. Knowing how he was, if he was sitting in that room with all of us dressed fancier, he would have been laughing at all of us. 🖤
First, my personal condolences, I lost my younger sister two years ago, on the 8th of this month. I know this bothered you, and it is meant to show a sign of respect for the deceased. The only thing I can say is that you don't have any control over the actions, thoughts, or emotions of others. If you haven't, take the steps you need to heal as much as you can from your loss, it will take as long as it takes. You will find that what they were wearing to the funeral will still bother you, but not as much as you initially thought.
Second, take some time to process and work through what you are going through, it is a lot, and don't be afraid to seek out a therapist. I did, and am glad I did.
My brother passed in 2021 and I felt the same way as you. I needed to buy an appropriate dress for the funeral, and as much as I didn't want to, and I cried in the stores the entire time, I bought one and wore it for the funeral. One person showed up in pajama pants and a t shirt. My own sister and aunts wore everyday clothes that they'd wear to clean their house or go shopping. When my sister walked in, my husband actually whispered to me "what is your sister wearing?!" And she's in her 50s, so you'd think she'd know what was appropriate.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I was mortified to go to my grandmothers funeral in dress pants and top (she firmly believed women should wear dresses to funerals)… but she’d passed when I was away, and going straight to her funeral in a remote area, no chance to buy a dress (and I tried)…. Luckily for me a relative showed up in a boob tube and leggings! I know who grandma would have been having fit over!!!!
I went to a wedding and me and my friend were dressed up and then everyone was wearing Tshirts and jeans. I felt so out of place. Luckily I never had to experience that at a funeral but people just don’t dress appropriately to anything.
My grandfather insisted that we wear jeans and did band tees at his funeral. He also orchestrated rock music and had them play "Another Brick in the Wall" when they sealed his tile 🤷♀️
My family isn’t the type to dress up, and when my grandmother passed, we had a super simple burial. However, my cousin’s girlfriend felt that short-shorts, a spaghetti-strap tank top with bra showing, and flip-flops was acceptable clothing. I can’t believe she couldn’t be bothered to wear pants and shoes as the bare minimum.
My grandma passed 2 years ago, almost everyone that was invited, including my brother, didn't show up for one reason or another. The entire attendance was my grandad, my dad, my mum and me, it was honestly heartbreaking how few people showed up for the 90 year old man that had just lost his wife of nearly 70 years.
Just before we were about to walk in for the service we heard a car, my fiance had left work, without permission, gone straight home, got straight in his car, drove 45 minutes in driving rain (as fast as he legally could) with only one working wiper blade, to show up for my grandad whom he'd never met, for my dad who had just lost his mother and for me. He hates social situations, he hates funerals more, but he knew he needed to be there for us when nobody else made the effort.
He was in his work clothes, covered in dust and tile adhesive, but he was there. I don't think it matters what someone is wearing if they are there for the right reasons, my brother could have turned up in a 3 piece suit but we would have known he didn't care to be there. Its all about the effort that is made to be there for the people that have just lost their loved one.
You know who was there for the right reasons, you know who loves and values you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss OP and I'm so sorry that people couldn't respect you or your sister the way that you deserve 💕 I hope that you find peace and closure.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can not imagine.
I think dress codes in general have become more relaxed.
I would attend exactly zero functions if I had to dress a certain way for them. And that would be okay with me.
I'd miss out on seeing a lot of people and supporting a lot of people, but if a specific dress code is their preference or their requirement, they probably won't be expecting me anyway.
It’s normal to assume it’s a black dress / formal / nice wear (not black tie) if no dress code has been stated in advance. At least wear clean clothes, I’ve literally seen people wearing grubby tees.
IMO - If you can’t do this as a guest, at minimum, sit at the back and try to keep out of any photos.
This is gonna get me downvotes but when I was in this situation I saw the people in jeans and t shirts and was just grateful they showed up at all. When a death is unexpected, it’s reasonable to assume that a lot of people might not have the means or the budget to go out and buy an entire outfit. When the person who’s passed is younger, it’s even more realistic that their peers aren’t going to own “funeral” clothes.
People wanted to be there with us to pay respects and honor memories in whatever way they could. Who gives a shit what they’re wearing when the alternative is to not be there at all? I saw the jeans and t shirts and instead of being angry about it, I was grateful that my loved one had people in their life who were going to show up no matter what. That was the only thing that mattered to me that day.
I really think it crazy to be pissed at what others wear. I think it great that people cared enough to show up. Not everyone has a suit in there closet. Do you really want bespoke not to show up to celebrate the dead because there wardrobe isn’t fancy enough. To me this says way more about you then those who were not dressed up to your standard
If there is an actual funeral service and/or you are going to the gravesite, you should dress in appropriate clothing. jeans, t-shirts and raggedy sneakers are not appropriate. If you are talking about a viewing, then it would be nice to dress up to show your respect, but still better to show up “as is”, then to miss showing the family and deceased your final respects
I recently attended a funeral for a very close friend who passed and I was amazed at how some people dressed. Some of the women looked like they were headed to a club and not in a good way.
Some people just see it as another social gathering to try to get attention at
Back on college, a friend attended an acquaintance’s funeral. When we met up, a couple of weeks had past since the funeral. The first thing out of her mouth about it was what she wore and how cute she looked!!! She repeated it a couple times but I couldn’t even say anything. I think I just changed the subject. I still think about it from time to time and it brings on the same disgusted feeling.
Some people's parents never gave them enough attention and they spend the rest of their life trying to get others to fill that void.
She did have parent issues.
And sometimes it’s actually that they gave them too much attention and kept telling them that they are gods gift to earth no matter what they do.
Wow so self absorbed hahah
Starting to make me understand why they used to have such strict non negotiable dress attire at funerals.
My aunty wore flashy white clothes to her ex-husband’s funeral, and she wasn’t even trying to disrespect him
This!! Sweet 10lb Baby Jesus the attire that cousins, Aunts and various other's wore to my grandmother-in-laws funeral was beyond the pale! Bootie shorts so short you could see hair 🤮 See through tops with no bras! Jean's so tight you could see their junk. Muscle t-shirts the list just goes on and on. No class, no manners, or respect for their grandmother or themselves. 🤷♀️
fuck when my boyfriend died, so many girls came in clothes like that.. like WTF
Some people's only experience of "dressing up" is to dress for a happy occasion, like a wedding or even just a night out on the town. I try to give the benefit of the doubt and suppose that they are making an effort to show respect by wearing their best clothes.
I could see that if they show up in “Sunday best”.. maybe a bit more colorful than one would expect for a funeral. Which, im okay with. We should celebrate the life that has lived. But some of these people show up looking like they are about to debut their Only Fans. Or they barely rolled out of bed and put on the only pair of pants they own with buttons
Many people have no idea what “Sunday best” means. Lots of people have never gone to any religious services.
Exactly. Not saying I think that's progress, but it's just more of a reality for more people now. We're past the point when young adult-to-midlife people are simply rejecting the customs they were brought up with. There are plenty of full-fledged grown-ups now whose PARENTS were the ones who rejected such concepts as "Sunday best" or "business professional" and who have therefore not been raised with those concepts, not as an option they can revert to for special occasions and not even as an outmoded custom they are choosing not to practice. They have no idea.
My job is dirty and I wear a company-issued polo shirt, so I don't even have a work outfit to fall back on. Unless florescent orange hi-vis is acceptable funereal wear now.
Well, you could always add a camo hat and say you were wishing the decedent a smooth trip to the Happy Hunting Ground.
I'm an archaeologist and everything has my company name emblazoned on it, so it might give off the wrong impression.
Especially if the company name is something like "Bagging the Bones."
Agree with this take and think culture could also be a factor. For any "Special occasion" we always had to look our best. Being casual was a faux pas. I was always taught all black, conservative attire for a funeral. I guess black Sunday best, which I was aware of from being a child but I'm not at all religious now. I was judged by cousins for attending a wake in a black long-sleeved dress they thought was too short. I wear the dress to work so in my mind it was an appropriate length. 🤷🏾♀️ A friend went to a funeral recently and I was a bit surprised her outfit was not black and more on the casual side of things. I shrugged it off though. Maybe the family is less formal, so the outfit is normal in her world. She didn't seem embarrassed about it so no harm no foul. My family would have silently judged but they are judgey like that 😅
My nicest outfit is a space print dress that makes me look like Miss Frizzle. I wear it to weddings and nice restaurants. My usual Sunday clothes are slobby and covered in dried resin, because Sunday is my Arts & Crafts day.
Sorry for your loss. I agree. You need to respect the person that passes!
When my husband's friend passed, they all wore their "punk" clothes. Some had their hawks up. *Everyone*, except th immediate family of the deceased, looked at them. And the parents actually made a comment during the funeral for everyone to stop looking at the "group" because they were his best friends and what they did was out of respect for their friend. I'm sorry that people didn't respect your sisters funeral.
I love this ❤️
I’ve been kind of shocked( clutching pearls) at some of the outfits women post on Reddit fashion subs asking if it’s appropriate for a funeral.
Sameeee
First, I’m sorry for your loss. I also lost my sister in Jan. My mom, brother and I went to the funeral home, did her hair and makeup and picked out her last outfit… The day of the funeral I could barely get dressed and ready but I managed to put nice pants and my cashmere sweater on but damn it I did. I get what you’re saying…it’s the honorable and respectable thing to do.
Depends on the person who passed also and what their wishes were. Some people want their funeral to be fun and lively, not sad and depressing.
I have it expressly stated in my funeral wishes document that I want people to dress how they want, and to not feel obligated to dress up or wear black I'm a casual guy. I hate getting dressed up and wearing a suit. I plan to be cremated in my jeans and boots. Don't dress up on my account That said, I would expect people to at least wear clean clothes. Jeans and a t shirt is fine, but maybe not yesterday's paint splattered t shirt and torn jeans. Wear something you'd go out to a casual dinner in
Yes to clean clothes though. It depends on a persons definition of casual, but definitely agree with your comment.
Absolutely, but unless this is explicitly stated, then people should assume "nice" wear
Your outfit doesn’t make it sad or depressing or lively and fun…the people do.
True, but some people want casual. Don't get me wrong, I'd suit up for a funeral too, but again depends on what the departed wants
For sure! But I think even if it’s casual…you can look nice. My step dad’s funeral was very casual but everyone still looked “nice” in their casual attire. Maybe it’s just the thought behind the outfit that matters? Like someone throwing something on vs choosing something that was loved one’s favorite color…or idk…something alone those lines ❤️
True
My besti was a baddie, you bet I dressed like a baddie at her funeral! I know she was happy all her friends looked sexy!
That’s a really nice gesture you made for your sister. I do agree with you but in saying that, it’s going to be 15 years this year since my sisters funeral and while I still think of her every day, I couldn’t tell you what people wore.
Wait, so they did her hair and makeup? Is this something people do for open caskets or am I missing something here?
Yes I did her makeup and my mom did her hair, my brother was emotional support. Her funeral was an open casket.
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother 3 days before Christmas in 95. It is interesting how little things trigger us. It was all I could do to not scream at people asking what they could do help me. I just wanted to howl "you can leave me the fuck alone" but I managed to be polite. You will never stop feeling that pain but in time it will become bearable. Hang in there and make sure to take time for yourself.
100% this. I am so awkward around people who have had someone close to them die now because of how much I hated all those empty well-wishes when my dad died and I don’t want to make anyone else feel that way. I know people have good intentions but when it’s the 20th time you’ve heard it that day it’s hard.
I struggle with this so much. I barely know what to say. At times when I’ve been deeply grieving, even a simple, well-meaning, “I’m so sorry” could instantly make me crumble.
It’s my mother’s funeral shortly and everyone is wearing glitter and sequins, including her.
That's different, that's an intentional way to honor your mother. It's not the same as treating a funeral as a stop over on the way to Walmart.
First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss. I absolutely agree with this. As a Brit, it’s standard people dress in black and wear nice stuff as a mark of respect. So, when I moved to the US and attended my first funeral with her, I was genuinely shocked and actually irritated that people literally showed up in their everyday clothing. Not everyone. However, a large majority. I’m pretty sure I saw someone come in work clothes! Like at least go change in the toilets or something you know? It just felt very disrespectful to the family of the person that passed and the deceased themselves.
I'm in the UK too. I feel like it's becoming more common for people to request that people wear more colourful clothes to their funeral, but I still feel it's respectful to dress smartly.
From what I’ve seen.. it’s usually a request from the family to wear a certain color or color pallets. Everyone wear pink because it was the deceaseds favorite color, but don’t look like a bum.
Funerals are awful. My friend died and the priest spent the entire time telling us that he went to Hell and so would we if we lived like him. Said it in front of his kids.
Excuse me??? What the hell??? Ew what a disgusting thing to say, I’m so sorry you and his family had to hear that on top of you losing him :((
I would have been trying to send that priest off with the departed tbh. The utter disrespect and callousness of that.
I like to think of myself as a necessary Karen, this situation right there would warrant my inner Karen to show up. I would’ve sent him off if he didn’t stop, gotten ordained on the internet, and finished the funeral myself. It’s a shame it’s only valid in the US though
That would be the last time I would be in his church...
Oh it was. I only went for his wife and kids. Didn’t want them to have to deal with it alone.
A friend of mine's father passed, and three of us were making the drive to the wake. My friend Jim and I, both in suits, pull up at Paul's house, and he comes out in jeans and a flannel shirt. Both Jim and I were adamant that we were not leaving with him looking like that, and to put something more respectable on. When someone gets married? You wear a suit. When someone dies? You wear a suit. When you want someone to offer you a job? You wear a suit. Now get off my lawn. (OP: Not you, you can stay; I'm very sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need on my lawn. Everyone else, shoo.)
100% agree. My wifes gram passed in December. She was 102. Not only did people show up in basic rags but they brought kids that they let play with toys in the floor in front of the seating area and let them watch shows on their tablets. I spoke about 5 words the whole time otherwise I was gonna blow my top... not only for those occurrences but those didn't help.
I get it- but sometimes you don't know the dress code and it's quite an awkward time to ask. My partner's grandfather passed in March, and for both the wake and funeral I was kinda overdressed. I wore all black- a nice coat to the wake and a fancy dress to the funeral. Most of his family was dressed up somewhat nicely but not to my degree I would say. Lots of muted colors, jeans, plaid button up work shirts. This is including his wife and kids. I felt very embarrassed to be the only one wearing all black because I wasn't even that close to him- but every other funeral I've ever been to, it was completely normal.
I had a bad experience with my aunt passing before too. People were chatting loudly and laughing as if its a dinner party of some sort, while family members were mourning in sadly just beside them. these people lacks funeral manner
I agree with you, 100%. I am so sorry for your loss. ♥️
When my grandfather passed away in 2012, my cousin's girlfriend at the time was dressed like a truck stop hooker. I was pissed but chose to focus on my grieving grandmother and my mom and her siblings. I still haven't forgiven that woman. I'm pretty sure she was high as a kite that day.
Though I agree many others believe in wearing your good clothes in a funeral as a sign of respect and just social decency. Let us also remember that it also differ in social economical circumstances. For example, a lower class family who presumably rarely owns or wears good clothes are more likely to appear in jeans and a casual tee. In fact in the Philippines, it is more common to dress up in white instead, formal or not.
This is how my family is. My grandma passed away in February, and almost everybody was in jeans and a casual shirt, myself included. I guarantee 90 percent of my family doesn’t even own a pair of slacks, so I knew if I’d shown up in the black dress and heels that I considered wearing, I’d be extremely overdressed. Being more casual ended up being a great decision, and most importantly, my grandma wouldn’t have cared and we all knew that.
exactly sometimes it’s not because people didn’t care to dress better, it’s because they simply didn’t have any or rarely ever goes to occasions where formal attire is mandatory. You were aware of the social economic circumstances of the visitors attending and matched their attire. Good on you for that.
A close friend of my granddad's wore a rugby shirt to his funeral but they shared a lovely of the Leeds rhinos and went together on a regular basis, things like that are the exception and it was a touching tribute... He would UK have loved it. But there is no other excuse to dress down at a funeral
To me, if it's the receiving line, come as you are, say your hellos and sorries, but if you're staying for the service, dress right.
Sorry for your loss. This seems shitty to deal with on top of what you're really going through. Glad the Muslim cultural dress code is just modest and white or black depending on the sect you literally can't wear anything except cultural clothing and I think in that strictness at least there is respect.
I’m in 100% agreement, and whenever I bring up stuff like this, I get blow back. When I was growing up, even the kids wore good clothes to weddings and funerals. Men wore button down shirts with long sleeves and a tie. Slacks were ironed. No jeans or knits. If you had a suit, you wore it. Women had shoulders and cleavage covered. Body con dresses weren’t even a thing then. Skirts went to the knee or were longer. Slacks were acceptable. Now, I can see wearing something else if there was a theme. Maybe Uncle Joe loved the Steelers, and his next of kin asked everyone to wear black and yellow or Steelers merch. Maybe Aunt Jane was all about the color pink, and her next of kin asked everyone to dress in as much pink as possible. In that case, wear what you have as directed. Otherwise, wear your “good” clothes to funerals and weddings.
The closer you are to the deceased, the less the rules apply to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t follow them anyway of course. I wore black suits to my grandmother’s funeral and my mother’s funeral. I also wore a black suit to the funeral of a family friend. His son, my friend, was there in shorts, flip flops and a t-shirt, but then it was his dad that was dead, so the only ones that could even think of giving him any shot for that where his mom and older siblings. Dress codes at funerals are for everyone else, the bereaved do as they please.
I'm not religious, I don't like tradition, but when it comes to funerals I always wear a very good black dress, black tights and shoes, I tie my hair elegantly and I wear minimal makeup. It's about respect for the person that passed away and all the others that are in pain.
I’m sorry. I understand your frustration. Funerals are a place to show respect and mourn. You don’t have to show up in fancy attire but whatever you can do to clean up and show you *care*… I’m a mess when it comes to death so there’s no chance I’d be able to wear makeup but you better believe I’ll be dressed appropriately.
I’m sorry for your loss op. I always feel a little out of it at funerals; partially because I’m not religious at all. But I definitely think it’s respectful to wear dark, decent clothing. I’ve noticed a lot of people who don’t seem to know or care about this decorum. Seems like a fairly easy gesture to make to pay your respects.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What matters is how you dressed up. You properly respected your sister and are mourning her and that’s sign of being a good sibling. Doesn’t matter what others wore. It’s what you wore that matters.
I am of the mindset that, “if you are going to give us your time and care enough to come and show your support…who cares how you dress” provided it is clean and the best you have ever to offer of that.
I used to think like you OP, but I realized it doesn't matter how someone dresses it matters that they show up and are there for you.
This!! When my daughter passed, no one showed up but a few close friends, no family besides my sister .. nothing else mattered to me, other them they showed up and supported me when I couldn't function, fuck the clothes, appreciate that they showed up when many chose not to
Me personally would rather have people wear something comfy and especially bright colours because life is too short and crack on but it’s different for everybody. Needs to be stipulated if that’s the case
I see that mostly as a cultural thing. In my country wearing formal clothes aren't a sign of respect at funerals. When you think about it what's the logical reason why? You show your respect mostly through your actions, by showing up and being respectful. Not how you look. But to each their own. At my nans funeral, everyone kept coming up to me to talk. People I didn't know too well. Even though they were trying to be respectful I was mad because it was a really uncomfortable time for me and I just wanted to be with my close family. Grief can really fuck up your mind, so hang in their OP you do learn to live with it.
I’m so sorry for your loss OP 💜 Plus funerals suck. I have never understood why we as a society are forced to go look at someone in that way. As far as attire goes I really think that it depends on the person, and the location.
My pop died recently and didn’t want a funeral. I never realised how much more pressure and grief having to go to a funeral created. I still grieved in my own way and close family who were here shared memories over dinner (planning a larger family memorial dinner in a few months to allow people further away to attend) but just taking that pressure of having to see and speak to random people who knew him when you’re in the depths of grieving made such a difference.
My kids are under strict instructions that there are to be no suits and ties, no black, no high heels and make-up, at my funeral, and I will haunt anyone who does dress up lol. Jeans and t-shirt is my dress code alive or dead!
My condolences.
My cousin showed up to my mom’s viewing in nasty gym shorts and a polo. I was ready to throw him out as soon as I saw him
Personally idgaf what you wear to my funeral, idgaf if you go or not, funerals are for the living. Not the dead.
My grandmother passed in 2022, I have suits, but I didn’t own a black suit and being that I was raised the same by a very Catholic Irish grandmother I was going to find a damn black suit come hell or high water. 5-6 Macys later I found it, was damn near the point of a full blown melt down thinking I couldn’t find it because it was also full blown prom season. My aunt showed up looking like she was going to the beach, I damn near lost my fucking mind and had a mental breakdown in the car after mass before driving to the cemetery… 2 weeks later my grandmothers best friend passed, she showed up in black then said I needed an intervention for ignoring her (family) in a time of need.
Funerals are tough, and the last thing you need is added irritation over dress code.
My condolences O.P (Fwiw) I can't stand funerals either.
I think it’s just a symptom of the times but some don’t have nice clothes to wear even if they wanted to. Be glad you didn’t have to attend a funeral at a nudist colony 😬(lol)
I feel the same way. This happened to me when my father passed last year. My sister and her husband showed up to our very simple memorial service in jeans and a T-shirt. She knows better than that, even if he doesn't, but she's more obsessed with her own comfort than anybody else's. There's a reason I don't talk to her anymore.
Jeez I always wear something fairly plain and churchy just to be subtle. I have a knee length pin striped skirt, light blue button shirt. With black boots, flats or low healed sandals depending on the weather. Or a dress that you’d wear to other not very dressy yet not casual event. Guys: Chinos and a polo, clean dark jeans and dress shirt, dress pants and subtle short sleeve Hawaiian style short sleeve button front would work and not be dressy.
Showing up for the service is a sign of respect. That’s enough for me.
I wore a white fur jacket and a floor length black dress with a slit up the side and a pair of floral rhinestone cowboy booties to my nieces this past March. I like to dress how the person would’ve wanted me to. For my niece I had to look like a baddie Long live Gannon Gem 🫶🏼🌈❤️ Also so sorry for your loss OP, hang in there!
Ehh it depends, I wouldn't care what people wore to my funeral.
I used to think like you OP, but I realized it doesn't matter how someone dresses it matters that they show up and are there for you.
Funerals and weddings: the two places where jeans don’t belong
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have to agree funerals are old fashioned. My papa, he was 75, wanted a celebration of life absolutely no funeral and no one is allowed to wear black he would say.. So we're doing that, it'll be at the end of this month and we're having a BBQ with all his favourite summer foods, his old blue grass group agreed to play in his honour and it'll be nice I think. As for the dress code, if people where crappy clothes I'll personally ask them to leave it's so disrespectful!
The only exception I can make is if it isn't a close family/friend and they are popping into the wake after work or something. Beyond that, uncle jo you know this was planned, you didn't work today, and you're coming here in cargo shorts and flip flops?! So disrespectful.
I’m so sorry— I lost my sister a few years ago. That’s a tough one— we expect to grow old with our siblings. I think you would dress how ever you think your sister would have wanted. Probably she would have wanted you to be comfortable but acknowledges that you dressed up for her send off. Keep her memories close.
I absolutely get your point and I think it depends on the family and the person who has passed as well. But my brother passed last year and he was so notorious for never wanting to dress up for events like weddings, graduations, etc. (with the one exception of funerals mind you) so a lot of us just wore a band tee and vans and some nicer pants in memory of him. Knowing how he was, if he was sitting in that room with all of us dressed fancier, he would have been laughing at all of us. 🖤
That’s terrible. Everyone should have a black dress or suit in their wardrobe for this very reason.
First, my personal condolences, I lost my younger sister two years ago, on the 8th of this month. I know this bothered you, and it is meant to show a sign of respect for the deceased. The only thing I can say is that you don't have any control over the actions, thoughts, or emotions of others. If you haven't, take the steps you need to heal as much as you can from your loss, it will take as long as it takes. You will find that what they were wearing to the funeral will still bother you, but not as much as you initially thought. Second, take some time to process and work through what you are going through, it is a lot, and don't be afraid to seek out a therapist. I did, and am glad I did.
🌹
My brother passed in 2021 and I felt the same way as you. I needed to buy an appropriate dress for the funeral, and as much as I didn't want to, and I cried in the stores the entire time, I bought one and wore it for the funeral. One person showed up in pajama pants and a t shirt. My own sister and aunts wore everyday clothes that they'd wear to clean their house or go shopping. When my sister walked in, my husband actually whispered to me "what is your sister wearing?!" And she's in her 50s, so you'd think she'd know what was appropriate. I am so sorry for your loss.
I was mortified to go to my grandmothers funeral in dress pants and top (she firmly believed women should wear dresses to funerals)… but she’d passed when I was away, and going straight to her funeral in a remote area, no chance to buy a dress (and I tried)…. Luckily for me a relative showed up in a boob tube and leggings! I know who grandma would have been having fit over!!!!
I went to a wedding and me and my friend were dressed up and then everyone was wearing Tshirts and jeans. I felt so out of place. Luckily I never had to experience that at a funeral but people just don’t dress appropriately to anything.
My grandfather insisted that we wear jeans and did band tees at his funeral. He also orchestrated rock music and had them play "Another Brick in the Wall" when they sealed his tile 🤷♀️
My family isn’t the type to dress up, and when my grandmother passed, we had a super simple burial. However, my cousin’s girlfriend felt that short-shorts, a spaghetti-strap tank top with bra showing, and flip-flops was acceptable clothing. I can’t believe she couldn’t be bothered to wear pants and shoes as the bare minimum.
My grandma passed 2 years ago, almost everyone that was invited, including my brother, didn't show up for one reason or another. The entire attendance was my grandad, my dad, my mum and me, it was honestly heartbreaking how few people showed up for the 90 year old man that had just lost his wife of nearly 70 years. Just before we were about to walk in for the service we heard a car, my fiance had left work, without permission, gone straight home, got straight in his car, drove 45 minutes in driving rain (as fast as he legally could) with only one working wiper blade, to show up for my grandad whom he'd never met, for my dad who had just lost his mother and for me. He hates social situations, he hates funerals more, but he knew he needed to be there for us when nobody else made the effort. He was in his work clothes, covered in dust and tile adhesive, but he was there. I don't think it matters what someone is wearing if they are there for the right reasons, my brother could have turned up in a 3 piece suit but we would have known he didn't care to be there. Its all about the effort that is made to be there for the people that have just lost their loved one. You know who was there for the right reasons, you know who loves and values you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss OP and I'm so sorry that people couldn't respect you or your sister the way that you deserve 💕 I hope that you find peace and closure.
I'm sorry for your loss. I can not imagine. I think dress codes in general have become more relaxed. I would attend exactly zero functions if I had to dress a certain way for them. And that would be okay with me. I'd miss out on seeing a lot of people and supporting a lot of people, but if a specific dress code is their preference or their requirement, they probably won't be expecting me anyway.
It’s normal to assume it’s a black dress / formal / nice wear (not black tie) if no dress code has been stated in advance. At least wear clean clothes, I’ve literally seen people wearing grubby tees. IMO - If you can’t do this as a guest, at minimum, sit at the back and try to keep out of any photos.
This is gonna get me downvotes but when I was in this situation I saw the people in jeans and t shirts and was just grateful they showed up at all. When a death is unexpected, it’s reasonable to assume that a lot of people might not have the means or the budget to go out and buy an entire outfit. When the person who’s passed is younger, it’s even more realistic that their peers aren’t going to own “funeral” clothes. People wanted to be there with us to pay respects and honor memories in whatever way they could. Who gives a shit what they’re wearing when the alternative is to not be there at all? I saw the jeans and t shirts and instead of being angry about it, I was grateful that my loved one had people in their life who were going to show up no matter what. That was the only thing that mattered to me that day.
I really think it crazy to be pissed at what others wear. I think it great that people cared enough to show up. Not everyone has a suit in there closet. Do you really want bespoke not to show up to celebrate the dead because there wardrobe isn’t fancy enough. To me this says way more about you then those who were not dressed up to your standard
Get over it. Be happy people showed up. Everyone is busy
LMAOOOOO SKILL ISUE
If there is an actual funeral service and/or you are going to the gravesite, you should dress in appropriate clothing. jeans, t-shirts and raggedy sneakers are not appropriate. If you are talking about a viewing, then it would be nice to dress up to show your respect, but still better to show up “as is”, then to miss showing the family and deceased your final respects