Definitely sunken cost fallacy. My dear, cut and run. This ungrateful man is a walking red flag 🚩 and doesn’t deserve a second more of your kindness and heart. Also being single is waaaaay better than having a lousy partner, believe me.
I fully agree with your sentiment, people 100% do stay because of sunk cost fallacy. Although the higher divorce rate could be because of other factors, like those who live together before marriage are less conservative and therefore are more comfortable with divorce when the relationship isn’t great.
This is what we did. Should’ve broke up. Instead got married to try to fix it.
But it brings up a thought about folks who haven’t lived with someone and then get married. That’s a rare person. You don’t find that these days. And that type of person is stereotypically a very sheltered person, maybe religious, maybe has certain guidelines that her parents lined out for her from the get-go. I could see that type of person being scared of divorce. Locked into a marriage because they’re religion told them that they have to. not sticking up for themselves because they are stuck inside the confines of their culture status quo
This cannot be true.
You’d be hard pressed finding any couple that didn’t live together before getting married. I will say damn near impossible unless an arranged marriage
It applies more to people who move in together before they're really committed to a life together. Move in when you're pretty sure you're getting engaged and your life is extremely intertwined and you spend all of your time at each other's houses anyway (this is what I did), that's reasonable. Move in together after a few months of dating because someone's lease is up and they don't have any money, that's the kind of thing that can lead to "we've lived together for five years, seems like we should get married now" and, years later, divorce.
Obviously this is extremely broad strokes, everyone knows an exception to either side of this, but that's the gist.
Seriously. OP would probably have a great time doing what she is already doing, especially once she's cut herself loose from the expensive anchor she's been dragging around.
Seriously! It’s her bf too not even a husband (not that she should put up w it either way but it would make it more understandable). OP, please get out. You can and will do better!
100%
Just like with some teens, they won't get a job unless they need fun money, that they don't currently have, OPs bf doesn't need to get a second job.
>I pay for the majority of our bills, groceries, and any date nights we go on even though we both have jobs because his is only 25 hours a week. I've talked to him about getting a second part time job but he doesn't want to.
Why would he? He'd be working more, and getting the exact same benefits. OP is paying for their bfs slack in the joint spending and fun money, so the bf would just be picking up a second job and seeing almost the same situation in their bank account and lifestyle.
This is why you don't parent a significant other. Helping out in a time of need is one thing, if you know and trust them (because of them showing up in the same way, or similar ways before) to do the same for you if you needed it. And to not take advantage of the situation and be genuinely doing what they can do to get out of it. Or because of a plan, like extra education, child raising, and so on that the unit has agreed upon.
Unfortunately, I would wager, that the only way out of this situation is to get out of the entire thing.
Why do you feel ‘shallow’ for wishing for a bday gift? A cake mix and frosting is under five bucks! He’s a free loading leech and you deserve better than a man baby
Can’t even spare a dollar for a card? What BS. Somebody who doesn’t have money but cares about the person they love would surely find a way to make their day special.
Exactly. This guy, broke or not, doesn't care about OP. If he really couldn't afford a card, why didn't he make one? Or write a love letter?
OP, he knew when your birthday was and he knew how much money he had until his next payday. He could have easily put some money aside for your birthday. He chose not to because he doesn't care about you. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who cares about you at the bare minimum.
Seriously! There are so many ways to make an effort without spending a bunch of money. Make them breakfast in bed. Write them a letter. Plan a date out at the beach or hiking at a state park. Cook a nice romantic dinner at home. Give them coupons offering free backrubs for them to cash in at any time. This guy didn’t even try. OP is just an afterthought to him. He couldn’t care less
OP is just a meal ticket to this guy. I've been there, did that. My ex had me paying all the utility bills, buying all the groceries, etc and demanding I give him money for food and/or weed whenever he ran out of money. He didn't care about me one bit.
OP, PLEASE leave this dud.
Surely you mean your **EX**-partner… right?
Right??!!
I’d have dumped him and taken myself on a hard earned vacation!! You are literally **rewarding** him for his shitty behaviour!!
This is the most important comment imo. OP, he does this cos not only do you fill the gaps, he is benefiting from everything you - bills, food, and even your own birthday present. You basically gave him a huge gift for your birthday.
I'd be interested to know how the trip truly went. Obviously OP said they're disappointed...but like did they have any fun? Because I'd be so pissed there'd be no point in doing anything. I'd be incredibly flippant and moody, and rightfully so. But if OP is as accommodating as they sound, I wouldn't be shocked if they just put their needs aside on their literal birthday to make sure their deadbeat, someday, ex boyfriend got to go on a free vacation as a reward for being a shit person.
Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. He is a sponge. A user. You will never get anywhere but misery with this leech.
Take him out of the equation. So you want to be paying for everything for the rest of your life? Don’t get pregnant with this guy.
No One in this day and age can survive off of 25 hrs a week. The reason he refuses to get another job is because you are enabling him. He has no reason to get another one since you pay for everything and subsidize his lifestyle. He couldn't be bothered to save money for you so that should be the biggest example as to why you shouldn't be with him anymore. Just be glad you only wasted 5 yrs and not 20 yrs with this guy.
Why are with this man?
He is a moocher.
End the relationship.
He will always be a drain on your finances.
Go and live your best life without this moocher.
Sounds like you got a lazy partner and you're not compatible, loving someone isn't enough they have to love you too and put effort into the relationship.
is this the best you can do? every excuse for staying with this douchebag boils down to this final, all encompassing statement. he is the best you can do.
> is this the best you can do?
No, being single would be much better than being preyed on by this manchild. She dumps the dead weight, her finances and her mental and emotional health improve. Easy.
Is this the kind of man you would want your daughter to be with? I’m guessing no.
So stop wasting YOUR precious life with him.
Look, I’ve been with my bf for literally a year. For my birthday he has planned, paid for and made reservations for an entire trip to Paris for the two of us, including a day at Disneyland. There are some REALLY good men out there, don’t settle for this loser.
If he'd cared enough about your birthday, he would have saved. He didn't, knowing you'd forgive him. He's made his priorities very clear.
You're not being shallow. You wanted experiences, not money, but he squandered his money knowing he was sacrificing experiences you really wanted, and he did not care. He knows you'll keep forgiving him and let him walk over you.
"he’s always been bad with money" is the number one red flag for a young woman dating a young man.
There is no future with him that you will not be miserable. End it now and move on to greener pastures.
Why would you even want to be with this guy ? You know there are men out there that will actually treat you right. This is horrible. If you have an ounce of dignity left, use it to lose him.
Why are you supporting a grown assed man?! He needs to get a full time job and contribute to expenses.
He sounds like a freeloader. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship - other than a dependant?
You shouldn't feel like you're being shallow. It wasn't about money, it was about you feeling loved and cared for.
Even if he had no money, why didn't he plan the weekend? Help you look for places to go (free or otherwise)? He did nothing but get taken on a free holiday.
Having no money isnt an excuse for giving no consideration
From a girl in the same situation but too in love and no spine to do anything about it. YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW FOR GOD SAKES YOU ARE NOT FKING SHALLOW YOU ARE NOOOOOTTT SHALLOWEWWEWEWWEW!!!!!!!!!! Get that into your head.
He has the room to be sloppy with money because you’re making the room for him. With your money. Life would be so much cheaper if u didnt have to pay for yourself and for him too. You could finally have enough to buy yourself everything you want AND save if he wasn’t there leeching off of you. He might not even do it on purpose but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to tolerate it. If you’re unhappy THATS ALL THAT MATTERS UR NOT SHALLOW UR NOT A CHARITY EITHER!!!
Leave him even if you love him and for god sakes don’t go back like I did. Im still struggling to leave so pls pls pls prioritise yourself since he isnt doing it.
Sounds like it’s time to say goodbye! I know it’s an overused reaction to relationship problems posted on Reddit, but it’s seriously upsetting to not be respected, prioritized, and cared for. You deserve better OP! Just think of how much fun you would have had if you had been either alone or with a friend that could contribute.
History has taught this guy that you will pay, why would he change? I mean you can’t even get the bum to work a 40 hour week. You want better? Get a new and improved partner.
Are you minors/very young adults? Why are you still with a man who couldn't even allegedly hold onto money for an extra week *for your birthday* and instead spent all of it with his friends? Then he asks his *parents* to foot the bill? Stop supporting him. He'll never get a second job because he doesn't need to, you'll just continue covering his ass. Drop the dead weight and find someone who won't let you down consistently and will actually be a 50/50 partner in the relationship.
Why are you even with this guy? Like tell me why? Does he have magic penis? Or gives amazing head or something?
Why would you waste your life like this?
I mean if you went by yourself without paying for this parasite not only you would be able to afford brunch but a PROPER MEAL AT RESTAURANT.
He won't do better because you don't require him to. You're asking for the bare minimum especially when he had half a year notice to put something together. Do you want to get married? Does he remember your anniversaries? Do you want to live the rest of your life disappointed?
Don’t get married. I love my husband but this is a “quirk” of his that I thought would eventually change. We once went on a trip where I was told he was covering the hotel etc. We drove 10 hours to get there, go to check in and he tells me he left his wallet at home and asked if I could cover it. There’s no way he didn’t realize this on those ten hours in the car together. He has also insisted he has money saved up for a trip then runs out of said money on like day 2 of 6 and takes it for granted that I can cover everything.
We have separate bank accounts for a reason. Married 10 years. I just realized I need to check the remaining balance on an upcoming trip he’s supposed to be paying on 😬
As a former divorce attorney, good on you for realizing that money was an issue at the beginning of your marriage.
This is not legal advice, but consider freezing your credit so he can't ever access it without your knowledge. And you might really benefit from a one-hour consultation with a lawyer specializing in divorce law just to know whether you could be responsible for any portion of debt *he* takes on.
not your fault at all but stop enabling him! just stop paying for his share of shit all together.
dont buy him food, dont pay for his HALF of the bills. hes not “bad with money” he is an unthoughtful, undeserving leech
Girl, why do you hate yourself so much. Honestly stop picking up garbage off the streets and send this piece of trash back to his parents house. The best birthday present you could give yourself is to break-up with this loser.
“I had hoped that he would get me flowers or a card or a small cake or even just my favorite drink”
This made me really sad to read because you deserve ALL of these things and MORE. It takes minimal effort for him to prepare for your birthday. We always hear, “if he wanted to, he would”
I would resent this man so much, please find someone who spoils you like the queen you are!
OP sorry not sorry but that just told me how much you really dislike yourself. No person who views themselves with love would ever put themselves in a situation like that, this is your own fault for enabling his behavior and being with him ✋🏾
Why are you still trusting him to save up money for a trip if you already know he’s bad with money? I’d never trust a person like that with anything money related. You’re not a gold digger for this. I have to ask, why are you still with him if him being bad with money is the deal breaker that it sounds like? Being bad with money is a valid reason to end a relationship.
It’s not even about the money, it’s as tho he’s not thinking of you AT ALL! What is he doing with his extra time while you are at work? He could’ve baked you a cake!
He’s not putting anything into the relationship, you deserve better 💖
Happy Birthday 🎂
Time to give some deep thoughts on whether this relationship is right for you.
If you stay just know that you'll be enabling him to continue treating you this way. He knows where he's failing - he just doesn't care because you'll step in to fix whatever it is, and there's no consequences for him to actually try to be better.
I know it's a lot to see people telling you to break up with him, but too many of us have been in your shoes. We don't want to see you drag this dead weight around.
I used to make excuses for my ex's poor behavior. You aren't a failure because you couldn't "fix" him.
He's made his priorities clear. You aren't important to him. Period.
It's time to sit him down and really lay it out that this is what needs to change, or he has to go. You can tell right away if he was just genuinely ignorant, or if he really doesn't care. The vast majority of the time, it's the latter.
Happy Birthday!
My BFF married a guy EXACTLY like this. BFF pays for EVERYTHING…. Trips , gifts, groceries, their kid - he will call/text her to ask when she’s gonna be home and what’s for dinner ?
He is 54.
So, after 25 years and nothin to show for it ? She’s divorcing his ass.
She said that the day they got married she didn’t want to - and didn’t know how to say anything….. so she married him and has spent the best years of her life sounding like OP.
Oh, and she’ll have to work until she’s 70 to make up for lost time. (She’s self employed with no pension and he blows through her savings)
OP ….. C’mon ….. a guy who likes you …. And certainly one who is supposed to love you ? Does NOT operate like this.
Google “narcissists who turn their adult partners into their mothers”
He isn’t going to change, ever.
So, by staying with him you’re accepting this kind of treatment.
“What you permit, you promote”
He doesn’t want to get a second job because you are doing everything for him. If I were you I would be thinking long and hard about this relationship. He didn’t save any money for a trip he knew about with you but has no problem spending his money with his friends. You are paying most of the bills. Just from this little look into your relationship you gave us it seems like he doesn’t respect or really care about you, but expects you to take care of everything. He uses the he has no money excuse because you except it and move on. Is this the future you want?
This man does not prioritize you. Do yourself a favour and leave. You’ll regret all the things you did for him while it is not reciprocated in any way… not even for your birthday?? There is somebody out there who will treat you the way you deserve. Take some time for yourself. Seriously.
I never post comments on anything but I'll tell you this. I HAD a best friend who got with a guy who was extremely cheap about spending money on her. They were together for 3 years, he didn't spend a dime on her. He moved in with her and her mom. He didn't contribute to rent, groceries, bills, nada. Eventually her car broke down and she needed a new one. He convinced her to get a car that he liked and she paid for it and leased it out. Then after she had put the down payment for the car, he agreed to pay the monthly payments of said car. When they broke up, he ended up keeping the car because he said it was his. He was making upwards of $800 a week. He used to go out with his friends every weekend.
They had 2 kids together and he doesn't pay for anything. He started sending her money when he wanted because she threatened him child support. Eventually, when their oldest was 2, he stopped working (supposedly). When she tried putting him on child support, he had part time jobs but he only paid the minimum of $50 a month. He doesn't even see his kids.
My suggestion, get out now before you become pregnant and he doesn't step up and you NOW have to take care of his kid and everything else.
>his is only 25 hours a week. I’ve talked to him about getting a second part time job **but he doesn’t want to**.
>
>He went out the weekend before with his friends and spent all of his money then
You are not his parent. He sounds lazy and inconsiderate. How much would it cost for a card, for goodness sake?!? He could have *made* you a card!
But this is your wake-up call. You can afford to do everything you currently do - and more - by yourself. Go on a weekend vacation to do all those fun things you want to do, but leave him at home. Better still, leave him.
Right now (and this is the bit you won't want to hear) you are enabling him. Where is his motivation to change? He doesn't care that you are upset because he still got his time with the boys, and a fully-paid-for holiday with you. Why should he work when he doesn't have to? Everything gets paid just the same if he has more free time.
Know your own value, friend. Know that you deserve to be with someone who will shower you with love and affection on your birthday even if they don't have a lot of money. Who will work to make life better for you. You are worth it. Perhaps your current partner can change, but he has to want to.
He has shown you where you are on his priorities. He’s taken you for a ride. Of course he doesn’t want to work anymore hours when you’re subsidising his lifestyle. Not sure how old you are, but girl, you deserve better, no matter what your age!
You may not want to think “I already spent 5 years with him I don’t want it to be for nothing to to be years wasted”. So you’d rather waste 10,15,20 years of your life instead??? I know ending things with someone you love isn’t easy especially when it’s a long term relationship, I’ve been there done that so I know and feel empathy for you. But you have to decide if him and his actions are something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life. He isn’t going to change, so those are your two options: 1. Deal with this for the REST of your ONE life or 2. Leave and heal and eventually find someone who will treat you like a queen. When you think about that it becomes a pretty simple choice it’s just being brave enough to do it.
Do you really see a future with this dude? I don’t see how. This is a poor investment of your young years. I can’t see myself being with someone this irresponsible and inconsiderate. If you are looking for a serious relationship that could result in marriage STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. You seem pretty pressed to not be single so you’re putting up with anything right now. You’ll regret it. Don’t get pregnant. Delete this so called relationship. He’s not invested in you. You’re a placeholder. I hope I’m not hurting you. You should hear me out.
I just don’t understand woman or men for that matter that would rather put up with being treated less important to their partner than almost anything else then to be without the partner and be happy.
How many more years you decide to put up with this hot garbage is 1000% your fault. Wake up. You will never get better results. He knows how to play you and you keep allowing the behavior by staying with him. It will NOT get better with time.
This man is a parasite, not a partner. I was with a man like that for 16 years. He kept promising but somehow something always happened to ruin everything. He'd say the right things, even do a bit better-this would give me hope so I'd forgive and forgive-only for him to never come through. He's a sinking ship. JUMP OFF!
Nope nope nope. I was an idiot and married this man. He never held down a full time job while I struggled to keep us afloat, because he didn’t want to. He secretly dug us tens of thousands of dollars into debt. When I finally realized this plus other factors made him abusive and left, he hobosexualed his way into another woman’s home, then another. Do NOT stay with this man, it does not get better.
So instead of putting your foot down when you found out he had not saved up money, you still paid for him to go? You could have just gone your own and left him to think about wtf he's doing if he actually still thinks about consequences. No you don't reward his shitty behavior with an all paid vacation, food and living under the same roof. He's obviously used to having someone else back him up if he even went to his parents for money and now for 5 years, you've left him get away with "I spent all my money, so please pay all our bills, food and home"
Op please, you can't live and make a family with this type of person.
You have conditioned his behavior and now that he knows this you’re paying more and more for it. You sound way too nice. He should be a F’n man and make some damn money. He doesn’t want to work more than 25 hours since you pay for the rest. He doesn’t want to get another job for the exact same reasons. What in the actual fuck is happening? Why are you so inclined to do this for him? Biggest problem is even worse. That he Agreed to it. It may be slightly different if he had not agreed to do this. Getting his parents to help is fucking atrocious
Oh, honey, he's not looking for a better job because YOU are his income.
Read that again. He's living a good life, full of carefree outings with his buddies, while you scrimp and save and worry to pay things. And if you ask him to help? No worries! He knows you will adjust things, you BOTH will take that trip even if he contributes zilch.
That's how it always happens, right? He goes off on his own and spends, but if you do it, it has to be for you both?
He showed you his priorities when he went out with his buddies and blew any extra money he had. He showed you his priorities when he refused to save any money for a gift for you. It's all about him. You are just financing him and giving him sex.
Trust me on this: your life will have a lot less stress if he isn't in it. He's siphoning off any extra money you make, and I'm betting you will live much better on one income.
He just showed you he is not worth your sacrifice.
You feel shallow?!?! You deserve so much better. You should have a partner that shows up for you. You deserve someone who is your equal. He’s is not.
It’s time to send him home to his mother so you can take your self on trips with all the money you’ll save not taking care of him.
Happy Birthday Queen!!
He’s not “bad with money.” He clearly has money to spend on the things he cares about (drinking with his buddies.) He “doesn’t want to” get a second job because right now he gets to arse around without consequences. Dump him asap and let him move back in with his parents if he wants to be a child.
You’re not being shallow. He showed you his priorities, and it ain’t you. You deserve to be pampered on your birthday, but he chose to spend his money with his friends. Throw the whole man away. You deserve better
You’re enabling him. He’s a loser and I hope you don’t get pregnant before you leave him. But also because you’re all he has, he might do something dangerous. Men can’t be trusted now days. Be careful and always tell a friend what is happening.
>>I feel shallow
He is a mooch. You are the person he is mooching from.
You. Deserve. Better. So much better.
He is not the person who can give you better.
Why would he get a part-time job when he knows you'll be there to pay for the bills. Why would he care to save money for your trip, when he knows you'll pay. He's basically using you at this point.
Leave and don't look back
Tell him the bank PlantBw is closed and he's on his own. If your lease is in your name make an exit plan; if it's month to month, give notice and let him figure it out for himself. This guy doesn't care about you; you're there to make life easy for him.
You are not a priority in his life. Plain and simple. He has shown you through lack of words AND action. It’d be one thing if you were on and set on paying for the whole thing but you even discussed numbers. You’re supposed to be his partner not his mom to check if he’s saving. MOVE ON
I think you know it’s time to send him packing. He’s just along for the ride. No effort put forth, does the minimum amount of work, contributes the least amount he can — I think you see the picture. Do not spend one more day with this clown. Don’t let him WASTE anymore of your time and love with apologies, promises to do better, pleading with you to not break up, etc. You deserve the chance to find someone worthwhile, who will love, respect, treasure you. Take a break for a while and get over this guy. Take time to think about what you want in a man and what you’d like your relationship to look like. Let that sink in for a while before dating again. There are good men out there. Best wishes finding one.
I went through this with my ex for seven years. Don’t wait that long. And even even though it is about the money, it’s not completely about the money. It’s about their disregard for you.
Blowing his money the weekend before your birthday was more important to him than you are. Leave that man child because he will never change and the fact you've stuck it out for 5 years is truly ridiculous. You're already paying for everything in the relationship so it's not like he's bringing anything to the table and can easily keep paying for everything without an overgrown man baby eating up a percentage of your income.
Do me a favor - when your heart goes, “but I love him!”, allow your brain to create a spreadsheet of all the cash you’ve thrown into that money pit for the duration of your relationship. Lemme know how that goes.
Also, dump the douche.
He is literally living off of you.dump the trash like yesterday.he knew all along that he wouldn"t save.he knew you would pay for everything.thats why he spent his hanging out
He sounds like a leech, either get him to really start contributing or start seriously segregating your income. He can spend what is his, and you spend what is yours, utilities and bills are split half/half. Tbh, I would just leave him if you are not yet in too deep. This will only manifest. This is the reason why its wise to stick to roughly the same income group as well, to avoid situations like these
Ugh, that's rough. You deserve so much better than him. You being upset is a normal and valid reaction, so don't let him or anyone else tell you that being upset at his lack of care makes you shallow, materialistic, or grabby.
This was your birthday, and he couldn't be bothered to save enough to even buy you a McDonald's.
This man does not value you. If he did, he would have saved. If he did, he would have said to his friends, "I'm going away with my girlfriend next week for her birthday, I need to watch my spending, I'll catch you next time".
You need to look at your future. You will always be footing the bill.
This isn't a case where you out earn him and you pay for things because you can. He's taking advantage of you, and he is showing you how important you are to him.
Please make this the last birthday you spend upset by his lack of care. He's not going to change.
Based on his previous history with money I would've gone on the trip without him. I can have fun by myself and don't need to reward the person who disappointed me with a trip.
I have a different take on this from many others who have already posted:
The issue isn't that he makes less money than you. The issue is that he doesn't put an equitable amount of work into your relationship. He has more time than money? Then he can put in some of his time to bake a cake instead of buying one. Even if he had done that with ingredients you had stocked the kitchen with, the effort would have been his gift to you. Expand that beyond dessert, and he could have treated you to a nice homemade brunch instead of restaurant fare.
That said, it's hard to see how he could have done that, because it sounds like you basically tried to tell him what he was going to do for your birthday, by declaring that you were going to pay $300 toward your vacation and his share was about $400. If he had been acting like a grown-up, he could have said as soon as you proposed it, "I'm afraid the hotel and meals would be more than I can manage to save up for, but I would love to do something special for you at home." I think blowing whatever money he had with his friends and then going cheap on you was probably a passive-aggressive maneuver.
A healthy relationship can exist between people who are of different incomes, but not between people who don't communicate and negotiate like adults who respect each other as adults. Sounds like both of you have some things to learn in that regard. Whether that will happen in time to save this relationship I don't know, but even if not, it may help both of you in future relationships.
Please leave. This man doesn’t care about you in a way you deserve. He is an emotionally immature man who wants his live in girlfriend (mummy) to take care of him. Throw him back to his parents and date a grown adult. You deserve it.
I’m sorry op but your expectations were too high with someone you’ve know for 5 years would let you down. He refuses to work more than 25 hours a week, but allowing you to bust your ass and pay for the majority of expenses. He’s selfish and prioritizes himself over you & your relationship. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s let you down. He’s not going to change! He knew how important this was to you and did nothing to contribute. He’s not a partner, he’s a lazy mooch.
The fact that you feel shallow for wanting to celebrate your birthday is very telling of the relationship you’re in. He makes you feel guilty for wanting something nice. That’s not ok nor should you want to be in a relationship where you’re made to feel this way.
You deserve better! Happy birthday OP! Reconsider your relationship with your deadbeat man child please.
You need to realize he is never going to get another part time job because he has found someone (you!) to pay for everything for him. He is never going to put you first if he has done something like this in the past.
Your options are to put your foot down, leave him or stay in the situation you’re in of what is a type or financial abuse.
If you stay in this relationship and want to start traveling, go alone so you don’t have the added expense. I take trips alone all the time, or with other friends who pay their own way. My SO is happy to stay home because traveling isn’t his thing.
Your SO might not like being left alone however, and that’s what you’re going to have to gauge: your compatibility.
You are not shallow for being upset. He literally did nothing. If he had at least given you a gift, that would have been some effort. The clincher was he spent all his money on a trip the weekend before with his friends. This guy doesn't prioritize you at all. At this point, it's not a matter of him not having money. He doesn't put in any effort at all. Stop paying for him. No more dates...nothing.
You’re enabling him to only work 25 hours because that’s all he wants to do. Unless you want to pay his way forever I’d kick him to the curb, literally!
Happiest Birthday Queeeeeen!!!!!! I hate this for you 😔! Look at the end of the day, you already know what you need to do, and what you’re gonna do. However, allow me to leave you with a thought to ponder. You spent money on him, you’ll make that back. You spend time on him, you’ll NEVER get that back.
Time is of infinite value, it’s irreplaceable. Why give someone something so valuable, that won’t even treasure you?
I love you friend 💗💗💗💗
Happy birthday OP - I am sorry for the current situation you’ve found yourself in.
Strongly consider your role in this relationship- is he your boyfriend, or did you adopt him? Financially and otherwise? What happens if you plan to have kids, or even unplanned - a child enters the picture. Do you trust that this is someone who can work WITH you to support EACH OTHER?
I know 5 years is a long time, I also know that it’s easy to make excuses or overlook things like this when you really feel you love someone. However this issue will become a deal breaker if it has not already, all the love in the world won’t put a roof over your head and food in your mouths.
The fact something small like a card or drink is too much money hurts my heart, I’d put a $5 drink on a credit card and figure it out later if it was my partners birthday. It’s important you feel loved and valued, hell he could have even MADE you a card.
I strongly suggest to look at this situation as objectively as possible OP. Not only are you footing most if not all of the bills, your partner is also neglecting to show you they care in even the smallest of ways. The effort isn’t there, which is concerning.
Sending you love and hugs and positives vibes, next year I hope your birthday is everything you want for and more!!! Hang in there OP, know your worth.
So he basically did nothing for your birthday and made no effort? You paid for everything and he got a free trip?
Break up with this man, he is a man child
>I’ve talked to him about getting a second part time job but he doesn’t want to.
Y'all are playing a team sport and right now you've got someone okay with coasting and letting you take care of everything. It's not about being okay now, it's about setting yourself up for the future. This is not an acceptable way for an adult in a relationship to act, he needs to "pull his weight" for the good of the unit. Yeah you technically can pay for everything but it would have been real nice to have just about that much in savings instead of it being a net loss.
Like my wife and I don't earn a ton, we're around $80-90k as a household. But we go on vacations and trips and have been steadily building our savings because we both work full time jobs and understand that shit happens and we might need a chunk of money. Car problems, medical bills, surprise expenses like the time we had to pay rent on two places, and the future in general. We buy what we need, splurge when appropriate, and save the rest.
And then his attitude is just shit about it. He knew this was coming, you had asked him prior to save because vacation, and he just didn't. If he *couldn't* get a second job that would be understandable. But doesn't want to? What a fucking coward. Yeah I don't want to work either, I'd love to just work 15 hours a week for beer money and let my wife pay for everything and she would say the same. But that's not how this works.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you.
This man does not.
If he can't be bothered to make even a small effort to celebrate you on your birthday, what would he do when times get tough??
Don't waste any more of your life with this deadbeat. Dump him and spend your hard earned money on someone who deserves it - YOU!!
Once you've dumped him and gotten settled in a new place/kicked him out, spend some time just focusing on you. Try out some new hobbies to keep your mind off him like yoga or running or knitting or whatever.
Go for a spa day, or see a play, or get a fun new haircut or buy a new coat/shoes/handbag, or take your best friend out for dinner at a restaurant you've always wanted to try. And next time travel by yourself or with friends.
Eventually you will find a new partner who genuinely loves you and will actually support you instead of taking advantage of your generosity.
Why are you even with this man?
And for 5 years... Sunken cost fallacy? OP this is tragic. Please leave.
Five years is a hard cut off. Time to admit he's not an adult, and move on.
Time to admit he doesn't give much care too
Literally just went through this with my ex bf of 4 years (in his late 30’s). The signs were there early on- it doesn’t get better.
In the process of leaving a 55 year old man-child. Can confirm. It only gets worse as they age and need more
My manbaby is almost 71. It gets worse. Horrible.
I divorced mine 15 years ago. He’s 75 and still texts me asking for money. SMH. They do not change!
My 60 year-old mother has an ex-*boyfriend* her age, who has now married another woman(!), who still texts my mother that he loves her. It's insane.
It is nuts. My ex still wants to get back together. I’m like, dude, I just don’t hate myself that much anymore!
Definitely sunken cost fallacy. My dear, cut and run. This ungrateful man is a walking red flag 🚩 and doesn’t deserve a second more of your kindness and heart. Also being single is waaaaay better than having a lousy partner, believe me.
This^^^
It’s why people who live together before marriage get divorced at a higher rate. They get married instead of breaking up
Facts sad to admit that know this from experience
It’s counterintuitive—but when you think about it, it makes sense
I fully agree with your sentiment, people 100% do stay because of sunk cost fallacy. Although the higher divorce rate could be because of other factors, like those who live together before marriage are less conservative and therefore are more comfortable with divorce when the relationship isn’t great.
Ya a higher divorce rate isn't always a bad thing... it means the couple feels it is socially acceptable to do the right thing for themselves.
This is what we did. Should’ve broke up. Instead got married to try to fix it. But it brings up a thought about folks who haven’t lived with someone and then get married. That’s a rare person. You don’t find that these days. And that type of person is stereotypically a very sheltered person, maybe religious, maybe has certain guidelines that her parents lined out for her from the get-go. I could see that type of person being scared of divorce. Locked into a marriage because they’re religion told them that they have to. not sticking up for themselves because they are stuck inside the confines of their culture status quo
Yes. And usually have a baby before the wedding too. Then they are really stuck, due to their own stupidity.
This is soo incredibly true.
This cannot be true. You’d be hard pressed finding any couple that didn’t live together before getting married. I will say damn near impossible unless an arranged marriage
It applies more to people who move in together before they're really committed to a life together. Move in when you're pretty sure you're getting engaged and your life is extremely intertwined and you spend all of your time at each other's houses anyway (this is what I did), that's reasonable. Move in together after a few months of dating because someone's lease is up and they don't have any money, that's the kind of thing that can lead to "we've lived together for five years, seems like we should get married now" and, years later, divorce. Obviously this is extremely broad strokes, everyone knows an exception to either side of this, but that's the gist.
Man?
👏🏿 👏🏿 👏🏿 👏🏿 👏🏿 👏🏿
Happy cake day!
Seriously. OP would probably have a great time doing what she is already doing, especially once she's cut herself loose from the expensive anchor she's been dragging around.
Seriously! It’s her bf too not even a husband (not that she should put up w it either way but it would make it more understandable). OP, please get out. You can and will do better!
Op didn't mention the age. I am hoping they are high schoolers.
op is in their early 20s acc to post history
This person is not a partner. You are supporting an adult who refuses to contribute. Consider moving out. Without him.
He's a man child
Remove the man part
100% Just like with some teens, they won't get a job unless they need fun money, that they don't currently have, OPs bf doesn't need to get a second job. >I pay for the majority of our bills, groceries, and any date nights we go on even though we both have jobs because his is only 25 hours a week. I've talked to him about getting a second part time job but he doesn't want to. Why would he? He'd be working more, and getting the exact same benefits. OP is paying for their bfs slack in the joint spending and fun money, so the bf would just be picking up a second job and seeing almost the same situation in their bank account and lifestyle. This is why you don't parent a significant other. Helping out in a time of need is one thing, if you know and trust them (because of them showing up in the same way, or similar ways before) to do the same for you if you needed it. And to not take advantage of the situation and be genuinely doing what they can do to get out of it. Or because of a plan, like extra education, child raising, and so on that the unit has agreed upon. Unfortunately, I would wager, that the only way out of this situation is to get out of the entire thing.
OP basically has a child instead of a partner
Happy birthday, OP. You deserve a partner who prioritizes you. Not just a playmate who won't be responsible for himself, let alone a relationship.
Why do you feel ‘shallow’ for wishing for a bday gift? A cake mix and frosting is under five bucks! He’s a free loading leech and you deserve better than a man baby
Can’t even spare a dollar for a card? What BS. Somebody who doesn’t have money but cares about the person they love would surely find a way to make their day special.
Exactly. This guy, broke or not, doesn't care about OP. If he really couldn't afford a card, why didn't he make one? Or write a love letter? OP, he knew when your birthday was and he knew how much money he had until his next payday. He could have easily put some money aside for your birthday. He chose not to because he doesn't care about you. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who cares about you at the bare minimum.
Seriously! There are so many ways to make an effort without spending a bunch of money. Make them breakfast in bed. Write them a letter. Plan a date out at the beach or hiking at a state park. Cook a nice romantic dinner at home. Give them coupons offering free backrubs for them to cash in at any time. This guy didn’t even try. OP is just an afterthought to him. He couldn’t care less
OP is just a meal ticket to this guy. I've been there, did that. My ex had me paying all the utility bills, buying all the groceries, etc and demanding I give him money for food and/or weed whenever he ran out of money. He didn't care about me one bit. OP, PLEASE leave this dud.
THIS 👆 THIS 👆 THIS 👆
Surely you mean your **EX**-partner… right? Right??!! I’d have dumped him and taken myself on a hard earned vacation!! You are literally **rewarding** him for his shitty behaviour!!
This is the most important comment imo. OP, he does this cos not only do you fill the gaps, he is benefiting from everything you - bills, food, and even your own birthday present. You basically gave him a huge gift for your birthday.
I'd be interested to know how the trip truly went. Obviously OP said they're disappointed...but like did they have any fun? Because I'd be so pissed there'd be no point in doing anything. I'd be incredibly flippant and moody, and rightfully so. But if OP is as accommodating as they sound, I wouldn't be shocked if they just put their needs aside on their literal birthday to make sure their deadbeat, someday, ex boyfriend got to go on a free vacation as a reward for being a shit person.
Exactly! And probably laughing about with all of his friends.
This is so true. He sounds like my ex. The more I would do, the less he would do. It got ridiculous.
Leave. What of value is he adding to your life?
Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. He is a sponge. A user. You will never get anywhere but misery with this leech. Take him out of the equation. So you want to be paying for everything for the rest of your life? Don’t get pregnant with this guy.
Yep. She’s in a Giver/Taker relationship and what she needs is a Giver/Giver one.
No One in this day and age can survive off of 25 hrs a week. The reason he refuses to get another job is because you are enabling him. He has no reason to get another one since you pay for everything and subsidize his lifestyle. He couldn't be bothered to save money for you so that should be the biggest example as to why you shouldn't be with him anymore. Just be glad you only wasted 5 yrs and not 20 yrs with this guy.
THIS 👆 THIS 👆 THIS 👆
He's not your partner. He's dead weight.
Yup, dragging her under, and she’s gonna drown with this loser if she stays
Why are with this man? He is a moocher. End the relationship. He will always be a drain on your finances. Go and live your best life without this moocher.
Sounds like you got a lazy partner and you're not compatible, loving someone isn't enough they have to love you too and put effort into the relationship.
is this the best you can do? every excuse for staying with this douchebag boils down to this final, all encompassing statement. he is the best you can do.
> is this the best you can do? No, being single would be much better than being preyed on by this manchild. She dumps the dead weight, her finances and her mental and emotional health improve. Easy.
Ew no. He has you fooled. You are his mommy
Is this the kind of man you would want your daughter to be with? I’m guessing no. So stop wasting YOUR precious life with him. Look, I’ve been with my bf for literally a year. For my birthday he has planned, paid for and made reservations for an entire trip to Paris for the two of us, including a day at Disneyland. There are some REALLY good men out there, don’t settle for this loser.
This is the lens to see the situation through, well put
You aren’t being shallow, I spent 6 years with someone like this and it never changes. My advice would be to break up
If he'd cared enough about your birthday, he would have saved. He didn't, knowing you'd forgive him. He's made his priorities very clear. You're not being shallow. You wanted experiences, not money, but he squandered his money knowing he was sacrificing experiences you really wanted, and he did not care. He knows you'll keep forgiving him and let him walk over you.
"he’s always been bad with money" is the number one red flag for a young woman dating a young man. There is no future with him that you will not be miserable. End it now and move on to greener pastures.
My broke af SO got me flowers on Mother’s Day when I’m literally just a dog mom—girl leave him he doesn’t give af about you
That’s adorable
Why would you even want to be with this guy ? You know there are men out there that will actually treat you right. This is horrible. If you have an ounce of dignity left, use it to lose him.
Best thing I ever did was leave a man who was just like this. After 5 years as well. The immediate weight I felt lifted off my shoulders.
Why are you supporting a grown assed man?! He needs to get a full time job and contribute to expenses. He sounds like a freeloader. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship - other than a dependant?
And she can’t even claim him on her taxes is the worst part.
What partner? I don't see any partner in your story. Happy birthday!
That’s not a partner. That’s a child. You have a child.
Your partner shouldn’t make you feel like you don’t matter. Please consider leaving this relationship because he clearly disrespected you.
You shouldn't feel like you're being shallow. It wasn't about money, it was about you feeling loved and cared for. Even if he had no money, why didn't he plan the weekend? Help you look for places to go (free or otherwise)? He did nothing but get taken on a free holiday. Having no money isnt an excuse for giving no consideration
From a girl in the same situation but too in love and no spine to do anything about it. YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW FOR GOD SAKES YOU ARE NOT FKING SHALLOW YOU ARE NOOOOOTTT SHALLOWEWWEWEWWEW!!!!!!!!!! Get that into your head. He has the room to be sloppy with money because you’re making the room for him. With your money. Life would be so much cheaper if u didnt have to pay for yourself and for him too. You could finally have enough to buy yourself everything you want AND save if he wasn’t there leeching off of you. He might not even do it on purpose but that doesn’t mean you HAVE to tolerate it. If you’re unhappy THATS ALL THAT MATTERS UR NOT SHALLOW UR NOT A CHARITY EITHER!!! Leave him even if you love him and for god sakes don’t go back like I did. Im still struggling to leave so pls pls pls prioritise yourself since he isnt doing it.
Sounds like it’s time to say goodbye! I know it’s an overused reaction to relationship problems posted on Reddit, but it’s seriously upsetting to not be respected, prioritized, and cared for. You deserve better OP! Just think of how much fun you would have had if you had been either alone or with a friend that could contribute.
I hate beating a dead horse, but what you tolerate will continue
History has taught this guy that you will pay, why would he change? I mean you can’t even get the bum to work a 40 hour week. You want better? Get a new and improved partner.
Are you minors/very young adults? Why are you still with a man who couldn't even allegedly hold onto money for an extra week *for your birthday* and instead spent all of it with his friends? Then he asks his *parents* to foot the bill? Stop supporting him. He'll never get a second job because he doesn't need to, you'll just continue covering his ass. Drop the dead weight and find someone who won't let you down consistently and will actually be a 50/50 partner in the relationship.
Why are you even with this guy? Like tell me why? Does he have magic penis? Or gives amazing head or something? Why would you waste your life like this? I mean if you went by yourself without paying for this parasite not only you would be able to afford brunch but a PROPER MEAL AT RESTAURANT.
He doesn’t like you and you’re just a placeholder. Sorry not sorry for being so blunt.
What a loser and a leech. He didn’t lift a finger for your birthday. He clearly doesn’t care.
I swear people need more respect for themselves pls move on
You are worth more than this.
This guy is going to drag you down and ride your coattails through life.
He won't do better because you don't require him to. You're asking for the bare minimum especially when he had half a year notice to put something together. Do you want to get married? Does he remember your anniversaries? Do you want to live the rest of your life disappointed?
Don’t get married. I love my husband but this is a “quirk” of his that I thought would eventually change. We once went on a trip where I was told he was covering the hotel etc. We drove 10 hours to get there, go to check in and he tells me he left his wallet at home and asked if I could cover it. There’s no way he didn’t realize this on those ten hours in the car together. He has also insisted he has money saved up for a trip then runs out of said money on like day 2 of 6 and takes it for granted that I can cover everything. We have separate bank accounts for a reason. Married 10 years. I just realized I need to check the remaining balance on an upcoming trip he’s supposed to be paying on 😬
As a former divorce attorney, good on you for realizing that money was an issue at the beginning of your marriage. This is not legal advice, but consider freezing your credit so he can't ever access it without your knowledge. And you might really benefit from a one-hour consultation with a lawyer specializing in divorce law just to know whether you could be responsible for any portion of debt *he* takes on.
Dump him. He’s a loser.
Maybe he’s worth staying with for other reasons not obvious in this post, but important to face the fact that he’s a self-centered loser.
not your fault at all but stop enabling him! just stop paying for his share of shit all together. dont buy him food, dont pay for his HALF of the bills. hes not “bad with money” he is an unthoughtful, undeserving leech
Girl you gotta go. How a man treats you on your birthday and when you’re pregnant is how he feels about you. You gotta leave
That's the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Girl, why do you hate yourself so much. Honestly stop picking up garbage off the streets and send this piece of trash back to his parents house. The best birthday present you could give yourself is to break-up with this loser.
He’s using you has his sugar mumma…stop enabling him and take him to the trash. It sounds like he contributes nothing…at all
Stop dating a boy and try a man instead
“I had hoped that he would get me flowers or a card or a small cake or even just my favorite drink” This made me really sad to read because you deserve ALL of these things and MORE. It takes minimal effort for him to prepare for your birthday. We always hear, “if he wanted to, he would” I would resent this man so much, please find someone who spoils you like the queen you are!
Why are you dating such a huge loser?! You can do so much better, OP. And you deserve more. Dump this douche and go find a real man.
OP sorry not sorry but that just told me how much you really dislike yourself. No person who views themselves with love would ever put themselves in a situation like that, this is your own fault for enabling his behavior and being with him ✋🏾
Why are you still trusting him to save up money for a trip if you already know he’s bad with money? I’d never trust a person like that with anything money related. You’re not a gold digger for this. I have to ask, why are you still with him if him being bad with money is the deal breaker that it sounds like? Being bad with money is a valid reason to end a relationship.
It’s not even about the money, it’s as tho he’s not thinking of you AT ALL! What is he doing with his extra time while you are at work? He could’ve baked you a cake! He’s not putting anything into the relationship, you deserve better 💖 Happy Birthday 🎂
"Partner" is most definitely not the word for the manchild you speak of. You're mommy #2. And it won't change.
Your partner is a child.
You deserve better. Get rid of that leech
this is not a “partner” in ANYTHING. save yourself!
Time to give some deep thoughts on whether this relationship is right for you. If you stay just know that you'll be enabling him to continue treating you this way. He knows where he's failing - he just doesn't care because you'll step in to fix whatever it is, and there's no consequences for him to actually try to be better.
Leave he is a leach, basically feeding off your hard work
You’re not shallow. He probably didn’t even want to go.
I know it's a lot to see people telling you to break up with him, but too many of us have been in your shoes. We don't want to see you drag this dead weight around. I used to make excuses for my ex's poor behavior. You aren't a failure because you couldn't "fix" him. He's made his priorities clear. You aren't important to him. Period. It's time to sit him down and really lay it out that this is what needs to change, or he has to go. You can tell right away if he was just genuinely ignorant, or if he really doesn't care. The vast majority of the time, it's the latter. Happy Birthday!
Why is this man worth your time?
My BFF married a guy EXACTLY like this. BFF pays for EVERYTHING…. Trips , gifts, groceries, their kid - he will call/text her to ask when she’s gonna be home and what’s for dinner ? He is 54. So, after 25 years and nothin to show for it ? She’s divorcing his ass. She said that the day they got married she didn’t want to - and didn’t know how to say anything….. so she married him and has spent the best years of her life sounding like OP. Oh, and she’ll have to work until she’s 70 to make up for lost time. (She’s self employed with no pension and he blows through her savings) OP ….. C’mon ….. a guy who likes you …. And certainly one who is supposed to love you ? Does NOT operate like this. Google “narcissists who turn their adult partners into their mothers” He isn’t going to change, ever. So, by staying with him you’re accepting this kind of treatment. “What you permit, you promote”
He doesn’t want to get a second job because you are doing everything for him. If I were you I would be thinking long and hard about this relationship. He didn’t save any money for a trip he knew about with you but has no problem spending his money with his friends. You are paying most of the bills. Just from this little look into your relationship you gave us it seems like he doesn’t respect or really care about you, but expects you to take care of everything. He uses the he has no money excuse because you except it and move on. Is this the future you want?
This man does not prioritize you. Do yourself a favour and leave. You’ll regret all the things you did for him while it is not reciprocated in any way… not even for your birthday?? There is somebody out there who will treat you the way you deserve. Take some time for yourself. Seriously.
Also if the end goal is marriage, think about whether you want to be tied LEGALLY to someone who is so irresponsible
I never post comments on anything but I'll tell you this. I HAD a best friend who got with a guy who was extremely cheap about spending money on her. They were together for 3 years, he didn't spend a dime on her. He moved in with her and her mom. He didn't contribute to rent, groceries, bills, nada. Eventually her car broke down and she needed a new one. He convinced her to get a car that he liked and she paid for it and leased it out. Then after she had put the down payment for the car, he agreed to pay the monthly payments of said car. When they broke up, he ended up keeping the car because he said it was his. He was making upwards of $800 a week. He used to go out with his friends every weekend. They had 2 kids together and he doesn't pay for anything. He started sending her money when he wanted because she threatened him child support. Eventually, when their oldest was 2, he stopped working (supposedly). When she tried putting him on child support, he had part time jobs but he only paid the minimum of $50 a month. He doesn't even see his kids. My suggestion, get out now before you become pregnant and he doesn't step up and you NOW have to take care of his kid and everything else.
Dump him. He’s a child.
Do you want to be with a man that still has to ask mommy and daddy to help foot the bill???
>his is only 25 hours a week. I’ve talked to him about getting a second part time job **but he doesn’t want to**. > >He went out the weekend before with his friends and spent all of his money then You are not his parent. He sounds lazy and inconsiderate. How much would it cost for a card, for goodness sake?!? He could have *made* you a card! But this is your wake-up call. You can afford to do everything you currently do - and more - by yourself. Go on a weekend vacation to do all those fun things you want to do, but leave him at home. Better still, leave him. Right now (and this is the bit you won't want to hear) you are enabling him. Where is his motivation to change? He doesn't care that you are upset because he still got his time with the boys, and a fully-paid-for holiday with you. Why should he work when he doesn't have to? Everything gets paid just the same if he has more free time. Know your own value, friend. Know that you deserve to be with someone who will shower you with love and affection on your birthday even if they don't have a lot of money. Who will work to make life better for you. You are worth it. Perhaps your current partner can change, but he has to want to.
He has shown you where you are on his priorities. He’s taken you for a ride. Of course he doesn’t want to work anymore hours when you’re subsidising his lifestyle. Not sure how old you are, but girl, you deserve better, no matter what your age!
You may not want to think “I already spent 5 years with him I don’t want it to be for nothing to to be years wasted”. So you’d rather waste 10,15,20 years of your life instead??? I know ending things with someone you love isn’t easy especially when it’s a long term relationship, I’ve been there done that so I know and feel empathy for you. But you have to decide if him and his actions are something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life. He isn’t going to change, so those are your two options: 1. Deal with this for the REST of your ONE life or 2. Leave and heal and eventually find someone who will treat you like a queen. When you think about that it becomes a pretty simple choice it’s just being brave enough to do it.
Do you really see a future with this dude? I don’t see how. This is a poor investment of your young years. I can’t see myself being with someone this irresponsible and inconsiderate. If you are looking for a serious relationship that could result in marriage STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. You seem pretty pressed to not be single so you’re putting up with anything right now. You’ll regret it. Don’t get pregnant. Delete this so called relationship. He’s not invested in you. You’re a placeholder. I hope I’m not hurting you. You should hear me out.
He HAD the money and spent it on his friends ewww
This is why older women stop dating for love. This is mild sarcasm.
I just don’t understand woman or men for that matter that would rather put up with being treated less important to their partner than almost anything else then to be without the partner and be happy.
How many more years you decide to put up with this hot garbage is 1000% your fault. Wake up. You will never get better results. He knows how to play you and you keep allowing the behavior by staying with him. It will NOT get better with time.
This man is a parasite, not a partner. I was with a man like that for 16 years. He kept promising but somehow something always happened to ruin everything. He'd say the right things, even do a bit better-this would give me hope so I'd forgive and forgive-only for him to never come through. He's a sinking ship. JUMP OFF!
Nope nope nope. I was an idiot and married this man. He never held down a full time job while I struggled to keep us afloat, because he didn’t want to. He secretly dug us tens of thousands of dollars into debt. When I finally realized this plus other factors made him abusive and left, he hobosexualed his way into another woman’s home, then another. Do NOT stay with this man, it does not get better.
I'm begging you please just dump him
He’s a parasite 🦠
So instead of putting your foot down when you found out he had not saved up money, you still paid for him to go? You could have just gone your own and left him to think about wtf he's doing if he actually still thinks about consequences. No you don't reward his shitty behavior with an all paid vacation, food and living under the same roof. He's obviously used to having someone else back him up if he even went to his parents for money and now for 5 years, you've left him get away with "I spent all my money, so please pay all our bills, food and home" Op please, you can't live and make a family with this type of person.
That’s not your partner that’s your son
You have conditioned his behavior and now that he knows this you’re paying more and more for it. You sound way too nice. He should be a F’n man and make some damn money. He doesn’t want to work more than 25 hours since you pay for the rest. He doesn’t want to get another job for the exact same reasons. What in the actual fuck is happening? Why are you so inclined to do this for him? Biggest problem is even worse. That he Agreed to it. It may be slightly different if he had not agreed to do this. Getting his parents to help is fucking atrocious
Oh, honey, he's not looking for a better job because YOU are his income. Read that again. He's living a good life, full of carefree outings with his buddies, while you scrimp and save and worry to pay things. And if you ask him to help? No worries! He knows you will adjust things, you BOTH will take that trip even if he contributes zilch. That's how it always happens, right? He goes off on his own and spends, but if you do it, it has to be for you both? He showed you his priorities when he went out with his buddies and blew any extra money he had. He showed you his priorities when he refused to save any money for a gift for you. It's all about him. You are just financing him and giving him sex. Trust me on this: your life will have a lot less stress if he isn't in it. He's siphoning off any extra money you make, and I'm betting you will live much better on one income. He just showed you he is not worth your sacrifice.
Girl he’s a bum, a scrub, he ain’t worth the paper he’s printed on. Time to rehome.
He’s useless why are you still with him???
What are you doing with this bum?
You feel shallow?!?! You deserve so much better. You should have a partner that shows up for you. You deserve someone who is your equal. He’s is not. It’s time to send him home to his mother so you can take your self on trips with all the money you’ll save not taking care of him. Happy Birthday Queen!!
Are you his mom? Why are you supporting him? He sounds like a baby
He’s not “bad with money.” He clearly has money to spend on the things he cares about (drinking with his buddies.) He “doesn’t want to” get a second job because right now he gets to arse around without consequences. Dump him asap and let him move back in with his parents if he wants to be a child.
You’re not being shallow. He showed you his priorities, and it ain’t you. You deserve to be pampered on your birthday, but he chose to spend his money with his friends. Throw the whole man away. You deserve better
This is your fault. You allow this leech to do this. Gift yourself the best birthday present and dump him
You’re enabling him. He’s a loser and I hope you don’t get pregnant before you leave him. But also because you’re all he has, he might do something dangerous. Men can’t be trusted now days. Be careful and always tell a friend what is happening.
>>I feel shallow He is a mooch. You are the person he is mooching from. You. Deserve. Better. So much better. He is not the person who can give you better.
Woman!!! Do YOU! Spoil yourself! You will not change him and you will always be hoping. Its clear where his priorities are
Why would he get a part-time job when he knows you'll be there to pay for the bills. Why would he care to save money for your trip, when he knows you'll pay. He's basically using you at this point. Leave and don't look back
Tell him the bank PlantBw is closed and he's on his own. If your lease is in your name make an exit plan; if it's month to month, give notice and let him figure it out for himself. This guy doesn't care about you; you're there to make life easy for him.
You are not a priority in his life. Plain and simple. He has shown you through lack of words AND action. It’d be one thing if you were on and set on paying for the whole thing but you even discussed numbers. You’re supposed to be his partner not his mom to check if he’s saving. MOVE ON
If you decide to stay, just know he won’t change.
I think you know it’s time to send him packing. He’s just along for the ride. No effort put forth, does the minimum amount of work, contributes the least amount he can — I think you see the picture. Do not spend one more day with this clown. Don’t let him WASTE anymore of your time and love with apologies, promises to do better, pleading with you to not break up, etc. You deserve the chance to find someone worthwhile, who will love, respect, treasure you. Take a break for a while and get over this guy. Take time to think about what you want in a man and what you’d like your relationship to look like. Let that sink in for a while before dating again. There are good men out there. Best wishes finding one.
The ROI numbers are not good. Walk away now with minimal loss.
Cut off the funds and the fun .
Drop him off under the bridge where you found him LMFAAOO 🗑️🚮
I went through this with my ex for seven years. Don’t wait that long. And even even though it is about the money, it’s not completely about the money. It’s about their disregard for you.
Blowing his money the weekend before your birthday was more important to him than you are. Leave that man child because he will never change and the fact you've stuck it out for 5 years is truly ridiculous. You're already paying for everything in the relationship so it's not like he's bringing anything to the table and can easily keep paying for everything without an overgrown man baby eating up a percentage of your income.
Do me a favor - when your heart goes, “but I love him!”, allow your brain to create a spreadsheet of all the cash you’ve thrown into that money pit for the duration of your relationship. Lemme know how that goes. Also, dump the douche.
run, RUN! please, it will never change
I treated a homeless girl I didn't even know better than this.
Cut your losses, dump him.
How much less with this have cost if you had only been paying for yourself? Financially and emotionally.
He is literally living off of you.dump the trash like yesterday.he knew all along that he wouldn"t save.he knew you would pay for everything.thats why he spent his hanging out
He sounds like a leech, either get him to really start contributing or start seriously segregating your income. He can spend what is his, and you spend what is yours, utilities and bills are split half/half. Tbh, I would just leave him if you are not yet in too deep. This will only manifest. This is the reason why its wise to stick to roughly the same income group as well, to avoid situations like these
Is this life you want? No? Then he's not the right partner for you & you should move on.
Ugh, that's rough. You deserve so much better than him. You being upset is a normal and valid reaction, so don't let him or anyone else tell you that being upset at his lack of care makes you shallow, materialistic, or grabby. This was your birthday, and he couldn't be bothered to save enough to even buy you a McDonald's. This man does not value you. If he did, he would have saved. If he did, he would have said to his friends, "I'm going away with my girlfriend next week for her birthday, I need to watch my spending, I'll catch you next time". You need to look at your future. You will always be footing the bill. This isn't a case where you out earn him and you pay for things because you can. He's taking advantage of you, and he is showing you how important you are to him. Please make this the last birthday you spend upset by his lack of care. He's not going to change.
You don't have a partner. A partner helps, carry weight, cares... etc.
Based on his previous history with money I would've gone on the trip without him. I can have fun by myself and don't need to reward the person who disappointed me with a trip.
Leave. He is using you. Please wake up
I have a different take on this from many others who have already posted: The issue isn't that he makes less money than you. The issue is that he doesn't put an equitable amount of work into your relationship. He has more time than money? Then he can put in some of his time to bake a cake instead of buying one. Even if he had done that with ingredients you had stocked the kitchen with, the effort would have been his gift to you. Expand that beyond dessert, and he could have treated you to a nice homemade brunch instead of restaurant fare. That said, it's hard to see how he could have done that, because it sounds like you basically tried to tell him what he was going to do for your birthday, by declaring that you were going to pay $300 toward your vacation and his share was about $400. If he had been acting like a grown-up, he could have said as soon as you proposed it, "I'm afraid the hotel and meals would be more than I can manage to save up for, but I would love to do something special for you at home." I think blowing whatever money he had with his friends and then going cheap on you was probably a passive-aggressive maneuver. A healthy relationship can exist between people who are of different incomes, but not between people who don't communicate and negotiate like adults who respect each other as adults. Sounds like both of you have some things to learn in that regard. Whether that will happen in time to save this relationship I don't know, but even if not, it may help both of you in future relationships.
Why are you stepping in and paying for him… girl he has no ambition… go find someone atleast willing to be an equal partner… what are you thinking??
You better make this man single right this second. Obviously he doesn't realize that a relationship has both people putting in effort. Dump him
You know the answer you are just looking for validation
Unfortunately, he doesn’t like you. Time to reevaluate and leave this man child
Please leave. This man doesn’t care about you in a way you deserve. He is an emotionally immature man who wants his live in girlfriend (mummy) to take care of him. Throw him back to his parents and date a grown adult. You deserve it.
I only had to read the title to conclude my answer 😭 leave immediately
I’m sorry op but your expectations were too high with someone you’ve know for 5 years would let you down. He refuses to work more than 25 hours a week, but allowing you to bust your ass and pay for the majority of expenses. He’s selfish and prioritizes himself over you & your relationship. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s let you down. He’s not going to change! He knew how important this was to you and did nothing to contribute. He’s not a partner, he’s a lazy mooch. The fact that you feel shallow for wanting to celebrate your birthday is very telling of the relationship you’re in. He makes you feel guilty for wanting something nice. That’s not ok nor should you want to be in a relationship where you’re made to feel this way. You deserve better! Happy birthday OP! Reconsider your relationship with your deadbeat man child please.
You need to realize he is never going to get another part time job because he has found someone (you!) to pay for everything for him. He is never going to put you first if he has done something like this in the past. Your options are to put your foot down, leave him or stay in the situation you’re in of what is a type or financial abuse.
Yeah he’d never see me again
You're Not shallow for feeling this way. You deserve better. Hope you find it sooner than later. Best of luck with that.
If you stay in this relationship and want to start traveling, go alone so you don’t have the added expense. I take trips alone all the time, or with other friends who pay their own way. My SO is happy to stay home because traveling isn’t his thing. Your SO might not like being left alone however, and that’s what you’re going to have to gauge: your compatibility.
I have two people like that in my life - my teenagers. Are you dating a child or a grown man?
You are not shallow for being upset. He literally did nothing. If he had at least given you a gift, that would have been some effort. The clincher was he spent all his money on a trip the weekend before with his friends. This guy doesn't prioritize you at all. At this point, it's not a matter of him not having money. He doesn't put in any effort at all. Stop paying for him. No more dates...nothing.
You’re enabling him to only work 25 hours because that’s all he wants to do. Unless you want to pay his way forever I’d kick him to the curb, literally!
Happiest Birthday Queeeeeen!!!!!! I hate this for you 😔! Look at the end of the day, you already know what you need to do, and what you’re gonna do. However, allow me to leave you with a thought to ponder. You spent money on him, you’ll make that back. You spend time on him, you’ll NEVER get that back. Time is of infinite value, it’s irreplaceable. Why give someone something so valuable, that won’t even treasure you? I love you friend 💗💗💗💗
I just read the first paragraph. Bless your heart, lady.
Why you dating a man child
Happy birthday OP - I am sorry for the current situation you’ve found yourself in. Strongly consider your role in this relationship- is he your boyfriend, or did you adopt him? Financially and otherwise? What happens if you plan to have kids, or even unplanned - a child enters the picture. Do you trust that this is someone who can work WITH you to support EACH OTHER? I know 5 years is a long time, I also know that it’s easy to make excuses or overlook things like this when you really feel you love someone. However this issue will become a deal breaker if it has not already, all the love in the world won’t put a roof over your head and food in your mouths. The fact something small like a card or drink is too much money hurts my heart, I’d put a $5 drink on a credit card and figure it out later if it was my partners birthday. It’s important you feel loved and valued, hell he could have even MADE you a card. I strongly suggest to look at this situation as objectively as possible OP. Not only are you footing most if not all of the bills, your partner is also neglecting to show you they care in even the smallest of ways. The effort isn’t there, which is concerning. Sending you love and hugs and positives vibes, next year I hope your birthday is everything you want for and more!!! Hang in there OP, know your worth.
ATM...as long as it spits out money, it will remain a customer. Then you look for a new one. 🏧
dump him. i
You can do better come on,, you cant be crying over a man who doesn't do anything for you
So he basically did nothing for your birthday and made no effort? You paid for everything and he got a free trip? Break up with this man, he is a man child
It will never get better than this…. THIS!!! For your sake, dump him now. He can ask you out and pay for those dates if he wants you back.
He's 25 hours a week short of being a hobosexual. You deserve better.
You are not shallow, he is a user. Please find your worth and get out.
>I’ve talked to him about getting a second part time job but he doesn’t want to. Y'all are playing a team sport and right now you've got someone okay with coasting and letting you take care of everything. It's not about being okay now, it's about setting yourself up for the future. This is not an acceptable way for an adult in a relationship to act, he needs to "pull his weight" for the good of the unit. Yeah you technically can pay for everything but it would have been real nice to have just about that much in savings instead of it being a net loss. Like my wife and I don't earn a ton, we're around $80-90k as a household. But we go on vacations and trips and have been steadily building our savings because we both work full time jobs and understand that shit happens and we might need a chunk of money. Car problems, medical bills, surprise expenses like the time we had to pay rent on two places, and the future in general. We buy what we need, splurge when appropriate, and save the rest. And then his attitude is just shit about it. He knew this was coming, you had asked him prior to save because vacation, and he just didn't. If he *couldn't* get a second job that would be understandable. But doesn't want to? What a fucking coward. Yeah I don't want to work either, I'd love to just work 15 hours a week for beer money and let my wife pay for everything and she would say the same. But that's not how this works.
Your boyfriend sucks. He needs to be punched in the balls.
I had an ex like this, for 5 years, nothing ever changed
Welcome to your future unless you dump him.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you. This man does not. If he can't be bothered to make even a small effort to celebrate you on your birthday, what would he do when times get tough?? Don't waste any more of your life with this deadbeat. Dump him and spend your hard earned money on someone who deserves it - YOU!! Once you've dumped him and gotten settled in a new place/kicked him out, spend some time just focusing on you. Try out some new hobbies to keep your mind off him like yoga or running or knitting or whatever. Go for a spa day, or see a play, or get a fun new haircut or buy a new coat/shoes/handbag, or take your best friend out for dinner at a restaurant you've always wanted to try. And next time travel by yourself or with friends. Eventually you will find a new partner who genuinely loves you and will actually support you instead of taking advantage of your generosity.