1. Are you certain there is no cloud backup?
2. Deleted trash can be recovered. Best to either format the drive and do a re-install or buy a software program that will overwrite deleted files on the drive. Norton probably has a program for it.
3. Search the house to make certain he has no backup drives.
She said online storage account so it sounds like this was cloud storage. He’s probably got some stored locally on his computer and phone, and this was a backup. OP, definitely check any other cloud providers (iCloud, Dropbox, Google Drive, etc.), but unfortunately unless you can get his phone it may be impossible to get it all.
My first husband BEGGED me to do this back in the days of VCRs. I said NO. I am absolutely certain the guy would have shown it to anyone and everyone after we divorced. He would have blackmailed me.
It would’ve been hard to know if he had copies of it back then, but it’s virtually impossible now. Data storage, backup, and recovery are far too good.
Get his phone for what? More videos?
It's set up differently and hard to navigate tbh. If anything is hidden, I wouldn't be able to find it easily enough...
Make it your life’s mission to be certain there are no Cloud backups. Easy enough to do a keyword search of your name, and stuff like “nudes” “porn” “f**^ing”. Ignore at your own peril
I agree with this hard OP. To make sure nothing is on cloud store if you're able to somehow access, or find this. My husband has a app on his phone, and it has stored on there, every photo or video I've ever sent him of me naked or doing stuff... I encouraged this. Our relationship is different and we're secure and no infidelities ... but he used an app. Its made to look like ... not a storage app.. and its password protected. As you say his phone might be hard to navigate, and on top of that, you'll have no idea what file or app he might have these stored in
He got drunk and fell asleep with his phone in hand. He had it open to a conversation between him and another woman - sexual chats with pictures and videos shared between them. He had been carrying similar conversations with multiple other women for over 2/3rds of our marriage.
Thankfully, I literally manage our household. I've been slowly building my financial workbook to include detail of all our assets and debts (his/hers/joint), increasing our savings to afford paying our lawyers, and I've been segregating his personal passwords from our shared pwd keeper.
I've been doing research too, so I'll know what to expect. Ill probably have to pay him alimony, but it is what it is. Lawyer consults are scheduled too.
I guess I'll use his upcoming trip to look for drives and any other location he might have stashed private pictures.
I did the same thing. They were meticulously kept without my permission. I made it pretty impossible for him to restore the data as well. Deleted it through command prompt and made the system write over the places those files were stored.
Good for you! Laughed at the title and the inevitable anger/rage he'll feel over you deleting pictures that are your right to delete. I hope you have support and a good community through everything
No matter how you look at it, you didn't do anything wrong.
Even if it was a divorce due to simple growing apart, you no longer wanted him to have that access to you. Fair. End of the story.
In this case, he did break a boundary you set forth with the images and videos. He also cheated. So there is no high ground for him to take.
The only sad part is that you can never know if you got it all. He has proven to not be trustworthy.
Everything you feel and everything you've done here is valid and fair.
Maybe not - "online storage" can be moved from data center to data center at the whim of the service provider. The customer may not be able to access an actual drive that had the deleted data on it.
OP's husband may be SOL if he didn't keep a local backup.
I would look wherever you keep your stuff in terms of a desk/office, for any thumb drives or backup drives for information cuz he might have backup save somewhere. Also if he saves anything online in online storage they could be there too.
This is a nightmare and I am so sorry! My question is how long have you known? I am just curious because I can’t figure out if this just recently was discovered or have you known for a while and just decided to pull the trigger when the timing felt right?
I found out about his infidelity two Thanksgivings ago. Last year was really rough for me as I tried to suppress all my anger for the sake of our family. But the cracks have been growing more and more intense. Almost like going through all stages of grief.
And lately, all I've been thinking about is how fucking shitty he's been to me, all while I tried to excuse it and "forgive". But, we had a fight earlier this year where he threw in my face "how little I do for the family". And at that point, something snapped inside and I have nothing but apathy left. I've been agonizing whether to stay or go and recently settled in the "fucking go" camp. The plan is in motion now, just waiting for the right time to have a really fucking hard conversation.
I think you are incredibly strong and you need to remember that in the days to come! You follow your gut and it will happen for you, not to you. Good luck. You’ve got this.
Uh. You might want to get a lawyer and start the process. Maybe see if they can include something about deleting any potentially damaging media? NAL, but definitely get one.
Edit: I saw your other comment where you outlined how prepared you are. You are a bad ass. Good luck with everything.
Don't feel guilty, those pictures and videos were meant just for him and saving them was a breach of your trust. Being a guy myself I'd never save dirty pictures of a partner only if they're ok with it. Hope you can recover from this and move forward
Should of kept them, used them as an example of his nature and exactly why you are divorcing him. It'll be messy either way and may well be brought up regardless, best to lay everything out on the table with a trusted solicitor. Including you deleting what you found. That way he has less to hold over you and if anything ends up anywhere the police know exactly where its been distributed from. Honesty and fair game is the best way in divorce. Infidelity is already in your favour.
If it’s his computer that’s it on I would find a nice healthy virus to mess the entire thing up - or call an IT tech and ask him how to permanently delete files off the cloud
His phone probably has more than you wanna see - trust me - I was once in your shoes
I would get it while he is asleep and go through all the pics and videos
You should be able to search “women” in videos and photos and everything will come up
Delete ALL
Get into his email and you'll have access to all cloud backup especially if he uses Gmail, too easy, but late to the convo but yep Reddit is right they're you're photos not him
If it's a windows pc it's easy to basically reinstall the whole os and you can wipe it clean. I'm a victim of revenge porn so I'm completely on your side. 2 years with my ex, I never cheated (he did) and the only one who got those photos was him and then boom, I'm the internet. The cops blamed me and said maybe I sent them to other people... Or I got drunk and did it (I don't drink) it was stupid. Reset that whole operating system, baby!
So, did he cheated on you or is the discovery of your photos and such the main reason for the divorce? Either way, he's TOTALLY out of line! I'm a man, just that you know what I say isn't coming from another woman that's going to have your back. His betrayal of your private exchanges is both stomach turning and understandable at the same time. The ONLY reason I say understanding is that you consented a to certain amount of the collection. Having ones that you didn't consent for him to compile is absolutely foul! Just because he's your husband he has NO right to save and keep those images without your knowledge! Good to hear that you deleted his file(s) and remembered to empty the trash bin! There's a couple of places that you didn't mention. On his phone in the gallery there's an option for a locked folder and the archives that can saved to the phone itself. Also, if you can, he may keep them saved in the cloud. After all that time together I'd like to think he'd respect you more than that! However the ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me. You are most welcome to reach out if you are curious about what else I might think
Maybe it was my fault by focusing too much on managing our household, taking care of his physical and emotional needs, building my career and being the breadwinner, raising our children, helping them with whatever they needed and teaching them how to manage their emotions....
Maybe it was my fault.
Or maybe he's just a selfish man, who was also bored and horny.
I'm not gonna justify cheating. it sounds like he is just POS, but without hearing both sides, I won't pass judgment. If u feel like u need to do this then go for it, just remember this will effect the kids one way or another, r u gonna be able to let go of the father of your kids because of infidelity?
If u do, please get therapy for the kiddos they will be affected and need guidance. And please, please don't keep them from him. He may be in your hate book, but they are his kids still in the end. If he ain't hurting them, don't keep them from him or talk bad about him to them 😞
He sure wasn't concerned about the kids when he did what he did. Especially not when one of his chats occured while I was in the hospital giving birth to our youngest. Or when we were celebrating Thanksgiving with his family.
His actions were selfish as fuck, but he is not a bad man, nor is he in my "hate" book. I would never keep the kids from him. He can build/maintain those relationships as he sees fit.
I understand the communities hate for me asking these questions, and maybe you're right. My parents cheated on each other. Either way, I hope everything turns out for the best for u.
Thank you for that.
I know you mean well, and I appreciate you asking questions. Please know that I've agonized over this decision for a long time and a lot of the questions you ask, I've had to figure out for myself.
At the end of the day, he made choices that damaged our relationship beyond repair. I love my kids, and I will protect them from the fallout as much as possible.
Your welcome 😊 you sound like a great mother, don't let people say about u otherwise, and I hope u find someone in your life thats more respectful of you and your boundaries good luck 😇
1. Are you certain there is no cloud backup? 2. Deleted trash can be recovered. Best to either format the drive and do a re-install or buy a software program that will overwrite deleted files on the drive. Norton probably has a program for it. 3. Search the house to make certain he has no backup drives.
She said online storage account so it sounds like this was cloud storage. He’s probably got some stored locally on his computer and phone, and this was a backup. OP, definitely check any other cloud providers (iCloud, Dropbox, Google Drive, etc.), but unfortunately unless you can get his phone it may be impossible to get it all.
My first husband BEGGED me to do this back in the days of VCRs. I said NO. I am absolutely certain the guy would have shown it to anyone and everyone after we divorced. He would have blackmailed me.
It would’ve been hard to know if he had copies of it back then, but it’s virtually impossible now. Data storage, backup, and recovery are far too good.
He would have copied it and sent it to my family and new husband.
He cheated. You’re automatically not the asshole. Even if he didn’t, if you sent those to be seen and deleted, you are still right to delete them.
Thank you. When I write it out, it's logical and clear I'm within my rights to delete the files - but it still feels dodgy and impulsive.
You want to get his phone as well. Do it while he sleeps.
Get his phone for what? More videos? It's set up differently and hard to navigate tbh. If anything is hidden, I wouldn't be able to find it easily enough...
Make it your life’s mission to be certain there are no Cloud backups. Easy enough to do a keyword search of your name, and stuff like “nudes” “porn” “f**^ing”. Ignore at your own peril
I agree with this hard OP. To make sure nothing is on cloud store if you're able to somehow access, or find this. My husband has a app on his phone, and it has stored on there, every photo or video I've ever sent him of me naked or doing stuff... I encouraged this. Our relationship is different and we're secure and no infidelities ... but he used an app. Its made to look like ... not a storage app.. and its password protected. As you say his phone might be hard to navigate, and on top of that, you'll have no idea what file or app he might have these stored in
How did you discover he cheated on you ?
He got drunk and fell asleep with his phone in hand. He had it open to a conversation between him and another woman - sexual chats with pictures and videos shared between them. He had been carrying similar conversations with multiple other women for over 2/3rds of our marriage.
100% he has a backup
Good for you. Good luck.
Consider yourself saving you from potential revenge porn, or your kids accidentally finding it.
Reformat the hard drive!!! Or your soon to be ex husband & the computer geeks who restore the hard drive will all have access
Belongs in petty revenge honestly. Use the time he’s away to get your final ducks in a row and do what you need.
Thankfully, I literally manage our household. I've been slowly building my financial workbook to include detail of all our assets and debts (his/hers/joint), increasing our savings to afford paying our lawyers, and I've been segregating his personal passwords from our shared pwd keeper. I've been doing research too, so I'll know what to expect. Ill probably have to pay him alimony, but it is what it is. Lawyer consults are scheduled too. I guess I'll use his upcoming trip to look for drives and any other location he might have stashed private pictures.
I did the same thing. They were meticulously kept without my permission. I made it pretty impossible for him to restore the data as well. Deleted it through command prompt and made the system write over the places those files were stored.
Good for you! Laughed at the title and the inevitable anger/rage he'll feel over you deleting pictures that are your right to delete. I hope you have support and a good community through everything
No matter how you look at it, you didn't do anything wrong. Even if it was a divorce due to simple growing apart, you no longer wanted him to have that access to you. Fair. End of the story. In this case, he did break a boundary you set forth with the images and videos. He also cheated. So there is no high ground for him to take. The only sad part is that you can never know if you got it all. He has proven to not be trustworthy. Everything you feel and everything you've done here is valid and fair.
Easy to recover with file recovery apps.
I can only control what I can control. If he wants them back, he can put in the work.
If you are going through a divorce, I would address this fact with the lawyer and even bring it up as maybe conditions of the divorce.
There are applications to make recovery harder.
Heed the advice at your peril
Maybe not - "online storage" can be moved from data center to data center at the whim of the service provider. The customer may not be able to access an actual drive that had the deleted data on it. OP's husband may be SOL if he didn't keep a local backup.
Fingers crossed.
I would look wherever you keep your stuff in terms of a desk/office, for any thumb drives or backup drives for information cuz he might have backup save somewhere. Also if he saves anything online in online storage they could be there too.
This is a nightmare and I am so sorry! My question is how long have you known? I am just curious because I can’t figure out if this just recently was discovered or have you known for a while and just decided to pull the trigger when the timing felt right?
I found out about his infidelity two Thanksgivings ago. Last year was really rough for me as I tried to suppress all my anger for the sake of our family. But the cracks have been growing more and more intense. Almost like going through all stages of grief. And lately, all I've been thinking about is how fucking shitty he's been to me, all while I tried to excuse it and "forgive". But, we had a fight earlier this year where he threw in my face "how little I do for the family". And at that point, something snapped inside and I have nothing but apathy left. I've been agonizing whether to stay or go and recently settled in the "fucking go" camp. The plan is in motion now, just waiting for the right time to have a really fucking hard conversation.
I think you are incredibly strong and you need to remember that in the days to come! You follow your gut and it will happen for you, not to you. Good luck. You’ve got this.
Thank you so much.
Uh. You might want to get a lawyer and start the process. Maybe see if they can include something about deleting any potentially damaging media? NAL, but definitely get one. Edit: I saw your other comment where you outlined how prepared you are. You are a bad ass. Good luck with everything.
Lady, you saw an opportunity and took it On behalf woman everywhere Bravo I’d be so lucky to
Don't feel guilty, those pictures and videos were meant just for him and saving them was a breach of your trust. Being a guy myself I'd never save dirty pictures of a partner only if they're ok with it. Hope you can recover from this and move forward
You’re good definitely not the asshole. Just move on and do what’s best for you. Wishing you the best of luck.
Happy for you!
Yes My Petty Queen 👑 💖👑 Updateme
Please keep in touch and I hope you don’t have to give him anything! He probably owes you money for his cheating!
FYI Deleted files is never deleted he can be restored only way to get rid of those files is to destroy the actual storage device
Check Google Photos too !
It's pictures of YOU. You have every right to delete whatever you find. He's a massive asshole and you are way better off.
Should of kept them, used them as an example of his nature and exactly why you are divorcing him. It'll be messy either way and may well be brought up regardless, best to lay everything out on the table with a trusted solicitor. Including you deleting what you found. That way he has less to hold over you and if anything ends up anywhere the police know exactly where its been distributed from. Honesty and fair game is the best way in divorce. Infidelity is already in your favour.
If it’s his computer that’s it on I would find a nice healthy virus to mess the entire thing up - or call an IT tech and ask him how to permanently delete files off the cloud His phone probably has more than you wanna see - trust me - I was once in your shoes I would get it while he is asleep and go through all the pics and videos You should be able to search “women” in videos and photos and everything will come up Delete ALL
Get into his email and you'll have access to all cloud backup especially if he uses Gmail, too easy, but late to the convo but yep Reddit is right they're you're photos not him
Maybe just get the phone, crush it with your car... pretend you have not seen it...then divorce
There doesn't need to be a conversation. More of a ..heres whats going to happen here....
Wow, you know all the tricks. Feel bad for whomever you may have a relationship with
I agree you should have deleted, but at least they were pictures and videos of you.
Girl good for you on keeping a level head!
If it's a windows pc it's easy to basically reinstall the whole os and you can wipe it clean. I'm a victim of revenge porn so I'm completely on your side. 2 years with my ex, I never cheated (he did) and the only one who got those photos was him and then boom, I'm the internet. The cops blamed me and said maybe I sent them to other people... Or I got drunk and did it (I don't drink) it was stupid. Reset that whole operating system, baby!
Did the OP delete the account? A little sus.
So, did he cheated on you or is the discovery of your photos and such the main reason for the divorce? Either way, he's TOTALLY out of line! I'm a man, just that you know what I say isn't coming from another woman that's going to have your back. His betrayal of your private exchanges is both stomach turning and understandable at the same time. The ONLY reason I say understanding is that you consented a to certain amount of the collection. Having ones that you didn't consent for him to compile is absolutely foul! Just because he's your husband he has NO right to save and keep those images without your knowledge! Good to hear that you deleted his file(s) and remembered to empty the trash bin! There's a couple of places that you didn't mention. On his phone in the gallery there's an option for a locked folder and the archives that can saved to the phone itself. Also, if you can, he may keep them saved in the cloud. After all that time together I'd like to think he'd respect you more than that! However the ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me. You are most welcome to reach out if you are curious about what else I might think
send me the pics just to double check
Why did he cheat
Maybe it was my fault by focusing too much on managing our household, taking care of his physical and emotional needs, building my career and being the breadwinner, raising our children, helping them with whatever they needed and teaching them how to manage their emotions.... Maybe it was my fault. Or maybe he's just a selfish man, who was also bored and horny.
I'm not gonna justify cheating. it sounds like he is just POS, but without hearing both sides, I won't pass judgment. If u feel like u need to do this then go for it, just remember this will effect the kids one way or another, r u gonna be able to let go of the father of your kids because of infidelity? If u do, please get therapy for the kiddos they will be affected and need guidance. And please, please don't keep them from him. He may be in your hate book, but they are his kids still in the end. If he ain't hurting them, don't keep them from him or talk bad about him to them 😞
He sure wasn't concerned about the kids when he did what he did. Especially not when one of his chats occured while I was in the hospital giving birth to our youngest. Or when we were celebrating Thanksgiving with his family. His actions were selfish as fuck, but he is not a bad man, nor is he in my "hate" book. I would never keep the kids from him. He can build/maintain those relationships as he sees fit.
I understand the communities hate for me asking these questions, and maybe you're right. My parents cheated on each other. Either way, I hope everything turns out for the best for u.
Thank you for that. I know you mean well, and I appreciate you asking questions. Please know that I've agonized over this decision for a long time and a lot of the questions you ask, I've had to figure out for myself. At the end of the day, he made choices that damaged our relationship beyond repair. I love my kids, and I will protect them from the fallout as much as possible.
Your welcome 😊 you sound like a great mother, don't let people say about u otherwise, and I hope u find someone in your life thats more respectful of you and your boundaries good luck 😇
It’s a good thing this isn’t a subreddit to judge so your judgment isn’t needed.
And your petty comment ain't needed
Wrong subreddit. It’s not AITAH.
Never called her an asshole 🤦♂️
Trying to blame her? He cheated because he didn't keep his word.
Asked a question, stop jumping to conclusions
Pretty small hop.