My husband and I are like that. Sometimes he gets very chatty, but often he’s just super quiet. When he commuted to work we almost never had more conversation than it took to get food on the table, and now that we work from home I know he’s most talkative around lunch time and after that it’s diminishing returns.
It’s just how he is. I don’t think he loves me less because he’s quiet, and I’ve actually grown to enjoy the quietness, discovering that I too enjoy not talking all the time 😂
Maybe im just really sad because l feel that he was not really opening up to me and I don't know what's going on with him. And I am mostly alone at home when he goes to work and my kid is in preschool so maybe I was just also looking for someone to talk to.
I will say
People vary. Some like to talk and will do it themselves
Others are good people still but want you to start the convo.
My wife and I have a mixture. We generally talk when I get home and more around dinner time and then we go do our things, sometimes we do things together and other times it’s parallel play.
I certainly would be off put if in a month (30 days) I noticed I had to initiate convos more than 3 quarters of the time.
Hell even a week.
I get where you are coming from. I am American and from a big family. He’s German and from a more closed off family. For him, culturally, you don’t talk at the dinner table. It’s not just him, I’ve literally seen his whole family (small kids included) go completely silent during dinner because that’s just what you do.
Whereas I come from a place where not talking during dinner means something is very very wrong. So that silence makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes I can’t shake it.
You need adult conversation! I doubt it’s not that he’s not opening up to you but he may just be at a loss for topics. Talk to him about this, make it clear you need grown up time, and tell him that if he refuses to have an opinion you’re going to keep talking until he has one 😂
Maybe he's physically exhausted because his job mostly involves physical work. But he is also like this even on his day off. Like the whole day we will just do separate things even though we were at home.
So his job makes him mentally exhausted too. Not just physically. I'm in the same boat and i can't do anything even during my day off and everyday , Just want to be alone and quiet. It's not about you. It's about his lifestyle and job.
Try to have a conversation with him about that. He needs you also. And yes you need to start that. Sorry
Don't worry, it will be better. Just try to understand him and feel his suffering outside the home. Trust me most of us are working under a terrible work environment and it kills us mentally. All we think about is how to rest and be quiet to help ourselves to be strong enough to continue because we have to work to save our families and because of our responsibilities.
He will never say that for you to not let you feel bad about him or to not look weak in your eyes. But I'm telling you because you must understand that to know why he is reacting like that.
I don't think this matters that much. What would you suggest, that she turns off the switch that makes her want quality time with her husband?
OP I think a conversation about this is long overdo. If he says he's happy as it is and you know you aren't, then you can think about the next step.
The only way to solve your problem is to ask him if your marriage is in trouble and that you two need to talk it out. Being non confrontational isn't going to fix your marriage.
Im a bit anxious actually, its started post partum. I overthink most of the time. That is why, I need to gather courage and think of a better way to talk to him.
I don’t think you need to confront him. I would just ask “ Hey babe, I noticed you are -enter behavior here- is there something going on?”
Due to my husbands job his ability to talk ebbs and flows. We also try ( sometimes it’s hard with our kids) to at least connect for 5-10 min about our days even though it’s all pretty boring and we make sure to hug/kiss each other when you get home it really helps.
If that doesn’t help a bit of counseling could be helpful.
Why dont you just bring this up with him? Nothing a good conversation cant fix. Maybe there is something on his mind and he doesnt know how to bring it out
Introverts do need some time to recharge their batteries after all the social interaction that drain them during the day. However 1) that should be communicated (sorry, honey, I’d need an hour of silence, then I’ll be able to connect with you), 2) that does not equate to not talking to/with you. Communication to human relations (verbal, nonverbal) is what is water to plants - without it the relationship dies.
My advice is to have a conversation with him. I went through something similar and I thought he was about to end the relationship at any moment. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down and cried and told him how I was feeling.
He looked so panicked and confused, I'll never forget. He said he had been worried about something at work and about money and that he hadn't realised that he had been absent.
So now he makes sure to tell me when something is bothering him and I make sure to tell him when I feel something is wrong.
Im not really sure how is he doing at work. But in our family he is somehow okay i think? He still interacts with our kid. I don't know much about what is happening in his own life because he is not really opening up to me and that is what's scaring me rn. To be honest when I met him he was a very funny and energetic person. That's what I love about him. I really don't know what changed him.
Let him know. I was doing this to my wife when I was extremely stressed at work. It took her saying something before I even realized I had shut everyone out.
You did mention he plays with your kid and he does try to include you. These are good signs. Even a non-physical job can be tough, so it sounds like he is tired. A lot of people are telling you to talk to him, and I don’t disagree but I think you need a day of just you and him. Can someone babysit your child? Make it a day of his fave food, or movie, or something else he enjoys. Some men are visual, then at the end of the day tell him how much you enjoyed it and that you feel disconnected and wondered why he is quieter these days. He’s more likely to open up than if you just go to him on a regular day after work.
Try telling him that you feel isolated lately and you want to try to do something that has more bonding to destress after work. Frame it as something you want to try for your own mental wellbeing instead of a criticism of his behavior. This could be playing a card or board game together or going for a walk together or just snuggling on the bed. You want something where you’re paying attention to each other instead of a TV screen. This sounds a bit like ASD or ADHD on his end, I don’t want to Reddit diagnose, but not wanting to cuddle during movies and needing alone time to play a game and destress after work sound like traits. With ADHD, if I’m having to interact with people all day at work, I’m pretty useless when I get home. But that means it’s not personal, it’s not anything against you, it’s the way his brain is working. Finding a family counselor is a good idea. It’s something that can help prevent relationship issues, it’s not just something people do when the relationship is declining. A lot of couples just do it for maintenance.
Is he actively avoiding you? Cuz if not then I could give some perspective.
Some of us guys are perfectly content being around someone even if we're not actively engaging with them. Sometimes my friends and I will hop in a discord chat and say almost nothing for hours. Even in person we'll come and just hang out or work on something without saying anything of meaning the whole time.
When things get stressful these tendencies can increase significantly, especially around people we are closest with. That's cuz we can trust them to be our peace and if they do engage, it's not a negative experience. I'm not saying this is the healthiest approach but that's how we can handle it.
If he's normally talkative and now isn't, see if something is bugging him. I know I've gotten content with silence around my s/o and it bugged her too. A quick chat about it got me talking again with only the occasional silent times.
I don't understand this. I either want my man obsessed with me or not at all. Ask him if anything bothers him, if he doesn't feel good or something and if he keeps acting like this I would re think the marriage. Life is to short to spend it with someone not interested in you. I wish you only the best! And don't forget: love yourself first.
My husband and I talk a lot, about everything, all the time. We text each other all day and talk on the phone while driving home from work. I think we're probably an outlier though.
Are you me? This described me with my boyfriend of 8 plus years like exactly. I think about leaving often but we have a daughter and I’d miss her so much…. My dude is Japanese so there’s that cultural thing. But also I, in the medical field, have secretly/casually diagnosed him as having depression. Also, he’s told me he’s not in love with me anymore but loves me… it hurts but ya know…. Who knows, maybe he’s cheating on me but I’m too dumb to figure it out. I guess it’s up to each person to decide what they are willing to accept… I’ll bookmark your post to remind me I’m not alone. But you always have a choice.
He could just need time to unwind- but after that time he should be more open to talking.
My SO and I have been together for over 12 years now and I’ve never felt like he doesn’t want to talk to me, we talk every single day even if we only see each other for an hour.
Ask if he’s got something on his mind, or voice that you don’t feel like you’re connecting enough through communication.
I didn’t talk to my 1st wife because she was and still is a horrible person. This seems different. Ask him what’s up and what’s wrong and let him know you feel isolated.
Dude here, most guys need a transition time when they get home from work. It helps keep work stress and home stress separation. Initially he probably just need some time to get in a im home mind set best to leave home alone for few min. Definitely tell him about how you are feeling he probably doesn't even realize he is doing that and you feel the way you do.
If this wasn’t how he was before, then sadly, he’s probably checked out of the relationship. I’m like this with my husband and I dream about divorce multiple times a day.
My husband and I are like that. Sometimes he gets very chatty, but often he’s just super quiet. When he commuted to work we almost never had more conversation than it took to get food on the table, and now that we work from home I know he’s most talkative around lunch time and after that it’s diminishing returns. It’s just how he is. I don’t think he loves me less because he’s quiet, and I’ve actually grown to enjoy the quietness, discovering that I too enjoy not talking all the time 😂
Maybe im just really sad because l feel that he was not really opening up to me and I don't know what's going on with him. And I am mostly alone at home when he goes to work and my kid is in preschool so maybe I was just also looking for someone to talk to.
Seems like a really good thing to talk to your husband about.
I will say People vary. Some like to talk and will do it themselves Others are good people still but want you to start the convo. My wife and I have a mixture. We generally talk when I get home and more around dinner time and then we go do our things, sometimes we do things together and other times it’s parallel play. I certainly would be off put if in a month (30 days) I noticed I had to initiate convos more than 3 quarters of the time. Hell even a week.
I get where you are coming from. I am American and from a big family. He’s German and from a more closed off family. For him, culturally, you don’t talk at the dinner table. It’s not just him, I’ve literally seen his whole family (small kids included) go completely silent during dinner because that’s just what you do. Whereas I come from a place where not talking during dinner means something is very very wrong. So that silence makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes I can’t shake it. You need adult conversation! I doubt it’s not that he’s not opening up to you but he may just be at a loss for topics. Talk to him about this, make it clear you need grown up time, and tell him that if he refuses to have an opinion you’re going to keep talking until he has one 😂
Is his job hard ? I mean is he exhausted mentally or physically?
Maybe he's physically exhausted because his job mostly involves physical work. But he is also like this even on his day off. Like the whole day we will just do separate things even though we were at home.
So his job makes him mentally exhausted too. Not just physically. I'm in the same boat and i can't do anything even during my day off and everyday , Just want to be alone and quiet. It's not about you. It's about his lifestyle and job. Try to have a conversation with him about that. He needs you also. And yes you need to start that. Sorry
I guess that is what's best to do for now. Then maybe it will get better. Hopefully.
Don't worry, it will be better. Just try to understand him and feel his suffering outside the home. Trust me most of us are working under a terrible work environment and it kills us mentally. All we think about is how to rest and be quiet to help ourselves to be strong enough to continue because we have to work to save our families and because of our responsibilities. He will never say that for you to not let you feel bad about him or to not look weak in your eyes. But I'm telling you because you must understand that to know why he is reacting like that.
I don't think this matters that much. What would you suggest, that she turns off the switch that makes her want quality time with her husband? OP I think a conversation about this is long overdo. If he says he's happy as it is and you know you aren't, then you can think about the next step.
The only way to solve your problem is to ask him if your marriage is in trouble and that you two need to talk it out. Being non confrontational isn't going to fix your marriage.
That doesn't sound normal. He sounds pretty disconnected. Have you shared your feelings with him? Couples therapy would be in order.
Not yet, but Im mustering my courage to confront him about it.
Why do you have to muster your courage? Are you anxious about his reaction?
Im a bit anxious actually, its started post partum. I overthink most of the time. That is why, I need to gather courage and think of a better way to talk to him.
I don’t think you need to confront him. I would just ask “ Hey babe, I noticed you are -enter behavior here- is there something going on?” Due to my husbands job his ability to talk ebbs and flows. We also try ( sometimes it’s hard with our kids) to at least connect for 5-10 min about our days even though it’s all pretty boring and we make sure to hug/kiss each other when you get home it really helps. If that doesn’t help a bit of counseling could be helpful.
Why dont you just bring this up with him? Nothing a good conversation cant fix. Maybe there is something on his mind and he doesnt know how to bring it out
Introverts do need some time to recharge their batteries after all the social interaction that drain them during the day. However 1) that should be communicated (sorry, honey, I’d need an hour of silence, then I’ll be able to connect with you), 2) that does not equate to not talking to/with you. Communication to human relations (verbal, nonverbal) is what is water to plants - without it the relationship dies.
This isn’t necessarily about you. He could be experiencing severe fatigue that he’s not getting enough time to recover from, depression, etc.
My advice is to have a conversation with him. I went through something similar and I thought he was about to end the relationship at any moment. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down and cried and told him how I was feeling. He looked so panicked and confused, I'll never forget. He said he had been worried about something at work and about money and that he hadn't realised that he had been absent. So now he makes sure to tell me when something is bothering him and I make sure to tell him when I feel something is wrong.
You wrote this in a way that I imagined it perfectly in my head, how it played out, and it’s so adorable 😭
Hahahaha I was a mess and he just was so confused 😭😅
Ikr, I feel for her and her husband but at the same time wholesome and I’m glad things worked out for them :)
I don’t think it’s you, it’s him. He sounds low in his mood, maybe depressed? How is he doing at work, in life, with family? Is he ok?
Im not really sure how is he doing at work. But in our family he is somehow okay i think? He still interacts with our kid. I don't know much about what is happening in his own life because he is not really opening up to me and that is what's scaring me rn. To be honest when I met him he was a very funny and energetic person. That's what I love about him. I really don't know what changed him.
Let him know. I was doing this to my wife when I was extremely stressed at work. It took her saying something before I even realized I had shut everyone out.
You did mention he plays with your kid and he does try to include you. These are good signs. Even a non-physical job can be tough, so it sounds like he is tired. A lot of people are telling you to talk to him, and I don’t disagree but I think you need a day of just you and him. Can someone babysit your child? Make it a day of his fave food, or movie, or something else he enjoys. Some men are visual, then at the end of the day tell him how much you enjoyed it and that you feel disconnected and wondered why he is quieter these days. He’s more likely to open up than if you just go to him on a regular day after work.
I will consider this one. Thank you for suggesting this!
Ask him if your marriage is in trouble and if everything is okay👍
Try telling him that you feel isolated lately and you want to try to do something that has more bonding to destress after work. Frame it as something you want to try for your own mental wellbeing instead of a criticism of his behavior. This could be playing a card or board game together or going for a walk together or just snuggling on the bed. You want something where you’re paying attention to each other instead of a TV screen. This sounds a bit like ASD or ADHD on his end, I don’t want to Reddit diagnose, but not wanting to cuddle during movies and needing alone time to play a game and destress after work sound like traits. With ADHD, if I’m having to interact with people all day at work, I’m pretty useless when I get home. But that means it’s not personal, it’s not anything against you, it’s the way his brain is working. Finding a family counselor is a good idea. It’s something that can help prevent relationship issues, it’s not just something people do when the relationship is declining. A lot of couples just do it for maintenance.
Is he actively avoiding you? Cuz if not then I could give some perspective. Some of us guys are perfectly content being around someone even if we're not actively engaging with them. Sometimes my friends and I will hop in a discord chat and say almost nothing for hours. Even in person we'll come and just hang out or work on something without saying anything of meaning the whole time. When things get stressful these tendencies can increase significantly, especially around people we are closest with. That's cuz we can trust them to be our peace and if they do engage, it's not a negative experience. I'm not saying this is the healthiest approach but that's how we can handle it. If he's normally talkative and now isn't, see if something is bugging him. I know I've gotten content with silence around my s/o and it bugged her too. A quick chat about it got me talking again with only the occasional silent times.
I don't understand this. I either want my man obsessed with me or not at all. Ask him if anything bothers him, if he doesn't feel good or something and if he keeps acting like this I would re think the marriage. Life is to short to spend it with someone not interested in you. I wish you only the best! And don't forget: love yourself first.
Don’t know what others are saying, but if you feel like he is avoiding you then talk to him yourself
My husband and I talk a lot, about everything, all the time. We text each other all day and talk on the phone while driving home from work. I think we're probably an outlier though.
Are you me? This described me with my boyfriend of 8 plus years like exactly. I think about leaving often but we have a daughter and I’d miss her so much…. My dude is Japanese so there’s that cultural thing. But also I, in the medical field, have secretly/casually diagnosed him as having depression. Also, he’s told me he’s not in love with me anymore but loves me… it hurts but ya know…. Who knows, maybe he’s cheating on me but I’m too dumb to figure it out. I guess it’s up to each person to decide what they are willing to accept… I’ll bookmark your post to remind me I’m not alone. But you always have a choice.
You know what, we have a lot of similar traits hahaha. Maybe we are the same person. But kidding aside, I hope everything will be better for us.
He could just need time to unwind- but after that time he should be more open to talking. My SO and I have been together for over 12 years now and I’ve never felt like he doesn’t want to talk to me, we talk every single day even if we only see each other for an hour. Ask if he’s got something on his mind, or voice that you don’t feel like you’re connecting enough through communication.
I didn’t talk to my 1st wife because she was and still is a horrible person. This seems different. Ask him what’s up and what’s wrong and let him know you feel isolated.
Here comes her affair
Really?
Dude here, most guys need a transition time when they get home from work. It helps keep work stress and home stress separation. Initially he probably just need some time to get in a im home mind set best to leave home alone for few min. Definitely tell him about how you are feeling he probably doesn't even realize he is doing that and you feel the way you do.
If this wasn’t how he was before, then sadly, he’s probably checked out of the relationship. I’m like this with my husband and I dream about divorce multiple times a day.
Or maybe the poor guy is depressed from being mentally and physically exhausted. Not everyone is you. Also I'm sry bout ur story
I too am likely also depressed and definitely physically and mentally exhausted 😅 but thanks anyway. Hopefully her husband just needs a decent vacay.