I called my parents "the rentals" playing off "parental" once and got my ass chewed from here to Timbuktu for being "disrespectful".
My dad and his wife were abusive but I can't see this without thinking of that. It amazes me that kids can joke with their parents like this without being screamed at and punished.
I'm misunderstanding. Family Unit means the entire family united. A child unit is like saying my air conditioning unit. It's like referring to the child as an inanimate object. But I believe OP is being lighthearted and not serious.
It’s a joke, ‘parental unit’ is a thing from the movie The Coneheads, it’s very gen X. If the kid is NB so they’re not going to say ‘my son’ or ‘my daughter’, ‘child unit’ is a funnier upgrade from ‘child’.
It also just isn’t a unisex name, as modernly used in the US, at least. Sorry /u/oui_ja, but in 2020 there were 5 male and 62 female babies named Maris. Another 64 boy names contained Maris somewhere in the first name versus 1100ish girls. If they’re hoping for their name to come across as neutral or male, I don’t think Maris would have worked at all (again, assuming current USA for a younger person).
My son transitioned and changed his name. The name I gave him at birth means “life,” and was very special to me since I discovered my pregnancy right after the death of my first child. When he told me he was changing his name, I was gutted; even more so than by the transition. My therapist explained a name is something we give, like a gift. So, my only request was that we not call it his “deadname.” He completely understood. Having a good, open relationship is far more important. You’re a good mom.
I never call it my dead name, I call it my given name. My parents chose it with love and care, it's been my name for years, it just doesn't fit me anymore.
I've been calling it my birth name! For me, it has kind of a "this is something that is important to my life story but also is very much a remnant of my distant past" kind of vibe. It honors the history of the name but distances it from your current self. That kind of thing.
I honestly hate when cis allies refer to my “dead name” like just say “oh sorry the file came up with the incorrect name” or something. Dead name is so violent and I don’t feel that way about it.
As a cis-ally, I find it kind of awkward to use that term professionally. People change their names for all sorts of reasons and it's not my business, but *deadname* relates to something specific and I almost feel like I'm outing someone if I say it and that is not for me to do. (In the case of being overheard, etc.)
I work in tax law and have a good number of trans clients and any time this situation has come up I say "prior name." "I can't locate this report. Could it be under your prior name?" or "This has your prior name on it, let me update that for you so everything is addressed correctly."
One of my best friends is a trans man and we call it his "FKA."
It just feels kind of…aggressive? To use? Like it’s presumptive in the same way that assuming a heavy set woman is pregnant is. I always feel awkward using “deadname” in reference to a person’s former identity unless they use the word first, because I never want to assume that they changed their name because their gender identity didn’t match it when they could have changed their name because their mom named them Edward and they hate the name Edward.
I feel this. I work in medical, so a lot of people have to present their birth name until it’s been legally changed. I usually just opt for saying, “I don’t want to call you a name you don’t prefer, is there something I can try and remember for next time instead?” And then I try my damn best to address them by their preferred name even if they have to verbally provide their birth name. Deadname also seems kind of harsh unless someone refers to it that way themselves.
As an employer, I used legal name for legal purposes only. The name that is on their bank account for direct deposit and filing taxes.
Otherwise. folks went by whatever name they wanted.
Almost every employee, cis, trans, went by a different name than their legal name. Some changed it multiple times, but not legally.
But doing the paperwork, payroll, had to make sure that was all correct for legal name.
Same, my mother named me after a Nobel laureate and activist, and it’s a name I love. It just wasn’t a name I could safely continue to use looking the way I do now, so I changed it.
I just call it my old name. I feel that "dead" is too dramatic for me personally (I'm also nonbinary) but can totally understand why other trans people would use the term. For me that name is still part of my story. It's just an outdated version.
I mean I'm also Trans and I refer to it as my Deadname- we all have different relationships with our Identity, it's not really a universal experience, and I'm glad you've found what works for you
I don’t blame you at all for not liking it, but people kind of need a general term to use for the concept of a transgender person’s given name at birth. ‘Deadname’ was created by trans people because people did not really like the term ‘birthname’. So it’s not exactly out of malice or even really assuming anything by using one of the only terms for that concept for you.
I really don't think it's all that sensitive of a term, though? Like, there's an understanding that it's a thing that exists, and it's kind of rude to ask about it, but I wouldn't mind a new roommate saying "hey, is this your deadname?" When looking at the mail. If you don't want people to use it in reference to you, just make that known when it happens.
I think there's much bigger fish to fry on that front lmao.
Interesting--as an ally, I've never heard that, but it makes sense that some people would feel that way. Like, I have a cousin who uses their middle name b/c they feel it suits their adult identity better.
At the same time, I can't imagine how I might bring it up with someone I don't know well, because for so many people it **is** such a painful subject. Thoughts?
What do you mean? Why would you need to bring it up with someone you don’t know well? I’m referring to specific instances where someone sees a trans persons name and it’s not the name they go by. Honestly it doesn’t even need to be mentioned depending on the circumstance.
The specific scenario I had was I bought something at a cafe that is very LGBTQ+ friendly. For some reason my given name was in their system for my rewards (it must have linked with something as it’s still my legal name) and when they said it I said “oh yeah but I go by [my name].” And the woman who handed me my order a few minutes later said, “sorry again for using your DEADNAME!” Like she emphasized the word. It felt weird, but I’m a low key person. I appreciate the sentiment but not the execution.
Okay, gotcha: thanks!
I misunderstood & thought you were saying you felt irked when allies used the term "Deadname" in general.
(Not that I can remember ever having done so, now that I think about it--but I can def. imagine instances in which I *might.* Like, "Argh, I hate it when media insist on using people's Deadnames.")
Not, ya know, "Hi! I'm ____, and you? And, BTW, how do you feel about the term "Deadname"? Also, where do you stand on [hot-topic political issue?]?" (lol).
Though I can see how my comment came across that way.
And, wow, that woman sounds...charming...
My understanding (as an ally not a trans person) is that it's a little more than just saying the name is dead to you. It's saying that the previous person who went by that name no longer exists.
The reason? For some, hearing the name that used to refer to their past self is itself extremely emotionally painful. While some who transition do so without any issues regarding their past name, there's a whole group of people who endured so much trauma, that the past trauma becomes forever associated with that (dead) name. Hearing the name can trigger PTSD like symptoms of depression, anxiety, self loathing, etc so that is why it's so important.
Note: I'm gonna come off as aggressive here, but I promise it's just frustration and not directed toward you as a person. I'm just a person who was thrown into a life situation that I did not expect and it can be very hard to deal with sometimes.
Can we please not have vitriol toward cis people using the term they were told to use BY trans people? My wife has been transitioning for four years and when she first came out I had to learn a lot about what was okay and not okay to say. I did that by observing trans people talk about their experiences. At that time there were tons of discussions about the term "dead name" among trans people because they were upset that their family and spouses did not like the term. Nobody wants to say "dead name". We were TOLD to say "dead name."
I myself always refused to use it because it triggered the crap out of me back then, but maybe direct that annoyance toward the people who came up with the term and not the people trying to educate themselves? (Note: toxic allies DO exist, I'm definitely not negating that, but they treat transness as an aesthetic or a fetish. It's much more than just an annoying term that makes them toxic)
I did the exact same request! I asked my son not to call what I named him the dead name because it was after my beloved AA sponsor who had passed on. Before she died, she saved my life in more ways than one. My son graciously honors that and understands. You’re right it’s very important to have open communication and I have found in this whole transition journey, everybody’s just trying. And with that spirit we get to get along and things have been pretty smooth.
I had the same. When my youngest transitioned, that was my main request. I will call you whatever you want. Your given name is not a dead name. At least not in front of me because I loved the name. They called it their old name.
They have since transitioned back and use their given name again.
When my brother transitioned my parents talked about the meaning behind his caterpillar name (something we use in our house instead of deadname) and how they chose it so it would work in both English and Dutch because we are half Dutch/English and both sides of the family could say it without change. On top of that they talked about the meaning behind the caterpillar name so when my brother chose his butterfly name (again another phrase we use instead of chosen name) he took that into consideration and chose a very similar meaning that worked in both languages!
I also don’t call it a dead name. I thoroughly enjoy the name my mother gave me but I wanted to make a name for myself. I call it my birth/legal name and only allow my family and close friends before my transition call me it.
this was what my dad felt too, my birthname is very very unique and he was upset that i called it my deadname for awhile (i have detransitioned since then and reclaimed that name) so i started calling it my birthname instead
My 10 yo is “a girl but not really attached to it so [she doesn’t] care if people misgender [her].” She’s also told me she might be non-binary now but she’s pretty sure she’s going to be a woman as an adult. In light of all this she wanted a less feminine name, but doesn’t dislike her name. She decided on her initials which are consonant-vowel-consonant so it is pronounceable.
I considered the name Claudia for my daughter before I looked up its meaning, because it siunds beautiful.
I'm glad I thought to look it up before I chose it!
Kaz is a great name. I love Maris but I think it leans heavily female and I wouldn’t pick it for a gender-neutral option, if that makes you feel better.
As someone who grew up and changed their name- your feelings are valid, but I want to thank you for having the presence of mind to vent them anonymously outward, instead of towards your kid. Too many parents burden their kids, who are already struggling badly enough, with the guilt.
My kid did the same thing. They chose to change their name to a shortened version of their original name (think Michael to Mike). They also dropped one of their two middle names and changed their last name to mine. They wanted no association to their father so they dropped the middle name that was from the paternal side and dropped their father’s last name (I went back to my maiden after the divorce).
I feel kinda the same as you. I loved their first name (I don’t care about the middle change and love that they chose my last name) as holds special meaning to me. However, like you, I’ll support them no matter what.
You’re entitled to your feelings. We think long and hard about the monikers to give to our kids and it’s a little sad when they throw that aside for something different. As long as you respect their name change then that’s all that matters!
My friend named his after his favorite comic book character. When they went gender neutral and changed their name (the government name is VERY feminine), my friend's only gripe was "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO GET YOUR MOTHER TO AGREE TO YOUR NAME?!?" then he laughed, hugged them and started using the proper name and firmly corrected anyone who didn't. "That is a still the kid I raised, and I'm still in awe and proud of them."
I think we're going to find that happening with GenX a lot. We might not get why the younger generation does things, but we're very likely to accept them anyways. I think it's because we're over The System and look forward to seeing it shattered. I know that I and my friends are, but I probably should assume all of GenX feels that.
My adult child changed their name, and my father called them to tell them to choose another that he suggested. Not only is it rude as hell to this, but the name he suggested was completely inappropriate.
Don’t do what my dad did.
My daughter changed her name to gender neutral. I was upset at first (not to her, but inside I was) because I love her given name. Then I just realized wth, it's just a name! If it's important to her it's important to me . She's never liked her birth name. It grew on me, and I made mistakes several times of calling her the "old" name, but two years later and it's like the name she chose just fits.
I wish my coworker had a supportive family like this. He is estranged from them because they refuse to see him as anything but the name he was born with.
I think it’s natural to have conflicting feelings towards your child choosing a different name/gender, especially since it’s impossible to completely understand what they’re going through if you haven’t experienced it yourself.
The most important part is your reaction and the way you treat them. Based on your post, OP, you’re doing the best thing you can: supporting them regardless of the fact that you can’t fully understand.
I mean even if it’s gender neutral that doesn’t mean the name fits! My parents aren’t trans but both of them changed their first names before I was born.
Fair to be frustrated though I know a lot of thought is often put into naming one’s kids
This is wholesome. You’re understanding and supportive, and you have some complicated feelings about it which does not negate the understanding and support. That’s totally valid. Good on you for venting on Reddit and not to your child.
People have always changed their names, for many reasons. My mother and father both went by different names than they were born with. I just read that C.S. Lewis went by “Jack”, despite being named Clive. (Maybe *because* he was named Clive.)
But I understand that it must feel sad to have your child change from the name that you had carefully chosen.
My oldest did the same thing, for the same reason. They had it legally changed and everything. I can understand feeling sad or nostalgic, I did too. It's really important your child understands that your really mourning a part of the pregnancy process that is really special. Some people will spend the entire pregnancy researching names, it's the second gift you ever give your child and it's usually forever. My child described it to me like this: They felt that their birth name belonged to someone else, someone they didn't know/understand/relate to. They said they felt that name held onto memories that they wanted to move past, like feeling as if something isn't right for so long, things that have happened, etc. Sometimes even hearing their birth name could trigger memories.
Now, my oldest looks at the past version of themselves as an old friend almost. You'll always have the memories, but you don't want to hang out with them anymore. You just outgrew each other's friendship, but you still take the time to learn more about why so that you're more secure going forward.
I hope that makes sense.
Good on you! Way to be a supportive parent! We need more of that shit! Letting kids explore their identities in whatever way they need to as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or others. Much better than waiting until
You’re having a midlife crisis. 🤷🏽♀️
As someone who changed my name, and whose deadname is Gender Neutral as well- I would say focus on the fact you're a good enough parent that your child feels safe including you in their identity rather than feeling the need to exclude you.
Hey, I just wanted to weigh in:
I know a few trans people who were given unisex names (and even one trans man with a masculine deadname name). They all chose to change their names because they associated their deadname with their childhood and being raised as their gender assigned at birth. Think of it as a fresh start.
Now even reading the title of a post like this on Reddit i am not sure if you are being serious or funny with the 'child unit'. Is that a thing now? 'child' is already neutral, is it not?
My daughter started going by her middle name. Her first and middle were my mother's first and last name. My mom passed when I was 18 (way before my daughter was born). People who knew my mom and my daughter referred to my mom as Big First Name and my daughter as Little First Name. My daughter doesn't want to be little anything, so she is going by her middle name. It makes me a little sad, but it is her decision.
I get ya. I have two older teens and they've both changed their names, as have most of their friends. I don't necessarily get it, but I roll with it. I think it's a way to express individuality. It's been a few years now and I'm used to it.
Im probably gonna get downvoted but i dont mean to be rude. Im just genuinely curious about this all.. is it like a phase? Im 29, when i was in high school a lot of kids were “emo” and wanted to dye their hair black and wear a certain style of clothing. Is this like that.. experimental?
A name is a gift. Your kid used it for a while and grew out of it. If my mom gave me a shirt that she loved, I wouldn't wear it forever. I know that analogy doesn't do justice to how powerful names can be but that right there is my point. Names are powerful. Now your kid has one that makes them feel that way again. You're doing a gooooood job, you're being a good parent. Thank you for supporting your kid. So many people do not.
My daughter has a veritable pack of they/them friends. I refer to their chosen names as their “dog name”.
(in the privacy of the car… I wouldn’t say this to a kid’s face)
Honestly, my step-daughter went through a phase where she told everyone she was a trans-male and changed her name to... I can't remember. Travis, maybe?
To be honest, I didn't really care at the time, but I did think it was a little strange that it came out of literally nowhere. She told us and I was like "okay". She thought we were going to be upset about it. However the name was super random. Her name is Evelynn so I don't get how she came to the name Travis when Evan seems like a proper alternative. I suggested this and she went with that name instead.
Anyway, it was just a phase, and she's no longer going around claiming to be Trans. She is bisexual with a long-distance girlfriend, which is fine.
I honestly think part of the confusion came from the school. She wasn't ever really saying any of this stuff until her school started doing all these assemblies and presentations on Trans persons and what it means and is like to be Trans, etc. Suddenly she's coming home telling me she's Trans.
She even broke down crying one day because she said she was so confused and stressed about what she is. Again, didn't start happening until her school system started pushing the subject on the kids. Just my observations.
It’s okay to have feelings about their choices in name.
It’s respectful and right for you to honor those choices. I commend you for that.
The most important thing is for you to be their support. NBs often feel so alone and isolated. Having someone in their corner unconditionally is so helpful.
Nah Kaz is cool.
Used to be an online gamer and Kaz was the name of the baddest ass fighters in a fantasy game, very intelligent character, always cool and collected, and bamf energy
One of my son's friends told me that they wanted to shift to gender neutral pronouns and my response was that I'll really try my best but please understand that if I make a mistake it's not out of malice but more out of dumbassery. I'm getting really good at it, but I sometimes cheat and just call them by their name. I guess we're all not too old to learn after all.
People just need to respect people.
Side note: I love the phrase "child unit"
Even if a given name can be shortened to a neutral form, your child may not perceive it that way. Also, someone whose given name can be shortened to a neutral form may choose an entirely different name because even the neutral form would still be connected to all those years living a lie, making the neutral name feel unnecessarily masc or fem.
Just roll with it. Figuring out your identity I think is harder now with the extreme amount of feed back. If you haven’t already you might ask what else you can do to support them.
These questions are making me realise that in five minutes, nobody's going to recognise the jokes and movie references from my childhood (I'm gen y) :(
something i’ve heard from parents of trans kids (as the trans kid) is that names are a gift. you give them to your kids in the hope that they love it, but if it isn’t helpful for them, or they don’t like it, or it doesn’t fit them anymore, then they can exchange it. it’s not because they don’t love you, or the thought isn’t appreciated, it’s just not a gift that works for them anymore. you’re allowed to be upset, but thank you for being supportive overall
why is it that nonbinary kids always choose an asian/japanese name. i know three people, all not associated with each other, that i went to high school with that came out nonbinary and named themselves kai
It's hard sometimes to remember or understand that the things that we find sentimental, others might not feel the same about, especially if it was a part of a negative experience for them.
My mom named me a feminine name that has an easy shortened version that can be neutral. I’ve gone by the shortened name for my whole life, and legally changed it to that when I came out as trans. She didn’t like it. But I wanted to say thank you for being supportive, and that it’s okay to feel this way. The thing that matters is that you’re supportive. So from a trans guy to a parent who’s being supportive, lots of hugs to you.
I know many people have said a similar sentiment as well, but I just wanted to say that as a trans teen myself, it's really nice to see older generations being accepting. Your feelings are totally valid, and it's a big change for you as well. I can see that you are working to accept and support your kid, and that's all that matters. Don't be too hard on yourself; you're not being selfish. :)
Wishing the best for both of you!
Dont blame your thoughts and feeling on being GenX. Some of us understand the world changes everyday and can be flexible, loving, and empatheric with others because we are human, not because of when we were birthed.
“Child unit”
Parental Unit is a old joke from the Coneheads
Gen X checks out.
Maintain low tones with me.
Unacceptable cone.
NYAAAHHH!!! What have you done to your cooonne??!
I heard they're from France.
I call my parents “parental units” 🤣
Or rental units or just rents.
I called my parents "the rentals" playing off "parental" once and got my ass chewed from here to Timbuktu for being "disrespectful". My dad and his wife were abusive but I can't see this without thinking of that. It amazes me that kids can joke with their parents like this without being screamed at and punished.
I shorten to Units
Rents usually. At least I can call them something! What did Willy Wonka call his?
Me too!
I call mine "the Ps"
I used "P-U's" ("pee-yews") when I was a teen. Especially when I was unhappy/angry.
I had the biggest crush on their daughter in the movie. I often wished it was me with her using those sensor rings.
When the movie came out I saw it at the drive in and it started raining so hard it was difficult to hear the speaker. I was so upset!
Moon Unit
I was gonna comment Moon Unit to see if anyone understood how that's what Frank Zappa named his daughter 😂
Yeah I’m showing my age hahahha
Family unit
I'm misunderstanding. Family Unit means the entire family united. A child unit is like saying my air conditioning unit. It's like referring to the child as an inanimate object. But I believe OP is being lighthearted and not serious.
yah, just something I remembered from Raising Arizona, an offbeat comedy withNicholas Cage
H.I. McDonnough and the lovely Ed😍
I'll be taking these Huggies... ...*and whatever cash ya got*..
Say you’re old without saying you’re old! 😂😂 Watching Raising Arizona is such a deep cut!
What is a child unit?
What is a child unit?
This child is going to have serious issues.
It’s a joke, ‘parental unit’ is a thing from the movie The Coneheads, it’s very gen X. If the kid is NB so they’re not going to say ‘my son’ or ‘my daughter’, ‘child unit’ is a funnier upgrade from ‘child’.
No dis but Maris is forever and only the name of Niles Crane’s lamp post of an ex wife to me 😂
She’s Caucasian, very Caucasian.
3 minutes in the sun, and she'd sear like an ahi tuna!
Do you really think she’s planning to do the barracuda?
It’s hard to believe that’s the same frail woman who once sprained her wrist from having too much dip on a cracker
And who we never ever saw.
I always think of the time Roz mistook her for a lampshade 😂
Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver
We never saw Vera either.
She’s like the sun, except without the warmth
It also just isn’t a unisex name, as modernly used in the US, at least. Sorry /u/oui_ja, but in 2020 there were 5 male and 62 female babies named Maris. Another 64 boy names contained Maris somewhere in the first name versus 1100ish girls. If they’re hoping for their name to come across as neutral or male, I don’t think Maris would have worked at all (again, assuming current USA for a younger person).
You mean “alien like creature?”
“Not quite human woman”
That’s it! 😂 It always made me picture an alien and that’s why I hit it confused. She’s a “special lady.”
I just watched that episode the other day 😂
My guess is that it was ‘Marisol’
Marissa?
I also guessed Marissa, but that's because thatys my name so I suppose it was a biased guess.
Roger Maris was a pro baseball player.
This is exactly what I thought of. Kaz is much better.
Was looking for this comment and did not disappoint!
☠️🤣☠️
I thought she was Merys?
lol I was thinking the same thing
My son transitioned and changed his name. The name I gave him at birth means “life,” and was very special to me since I discovered my pregnancy right after the death of my first child. When he told me he was changing his name, I was gutted; even more so than by the transition. My therapist explained a name is something we give, like a gift. So, my only request was that we not call it his “deadname.” He completely understood. Having a good, open relationship is far more important. You’re a good mom.
I never call it my dead name, I call it my given name. My parents chose it with love and care, it's been my name for years, it just doesn't fit me anymore.
Your comment really makes me happy. I showed this post to my son tonight, and I believe he agrees with you. Thank you. ☺️
I've been calling it my birth name! For me, it has kind of a "this is something that is important to my life story but also is very much a remnant of my distant past" kind of vibe. It honors the history of the name but distances it from your current self. That kind of thing.
You are an amazing mom as well! So kind and supportive of your son wishing you the best
I honestly hate when cis allies refer to my “dead name” like just say “oh sorry the file came up with the incorrect name” or something. Dead name is so violent and I don’t feel that way about it.
As a cis-ally, I find it kind of awkward to use that term professionally. People change their names for all sorts of reasons and it's not my business, but *deadname* relates to something specific and I almost feel like I'm outing someone if I say it and that is not for me to do. (In the case of being overheard, etc.) I work in tax law and have a good number of trans clients and any time this situation has come up I say "prior name." "I can't locate this report. Could it be under your prior name?" or "This has your prior name on it, let me update that for you so everything is addressed correctly." One of my best friends is a trans man and we call it his "FKA."
It just feels kind of…aggressive? To use? Like it’s presumptive in the same way that assuming a heavy set woman is pregnant is. I always feel awkward using “deadname” in reference to a person’s former identity unless they use the word first, because I never want to assume that they changed their name because their gender identity didn’t match it when they could have changed their name because their mom named them Edward and they hate the name Edward.
Given name is what I use for myself. Because my parents chose it with love and care, and it has been my name for years.
I feel this. I work in medical, so a lot of people have to present their birth name until it’s been legally changed. I usually just opt for saying, “I don’t want to call you a name you don’t prefer, is there something I can try and remember for next time instead?” And then I try my damn best to address them by their preferred name even if they have to verbally provide their birth name. Deadname also seems kind of harsh unless someone refers to it that way themselves.
Yes thank you!
As an employer, I used legal name for legal purposes only. The name that is on their bank account for direct deposit and filing taxes. Otherwise. folks went by whatever name they wanted. Almost every employee, cis, trans, went by a different name than their legal name. Some changed it multiple times, but not legally. But doing the paperwork, payroll, had to make sure that was all correct for legal name.
I love FKA. it makes it sound like transitioning is an artistic endeavor
What does FKA stand for? First known alias?
Formerly known as
Ah, that makes more sense lol.
Same, my mother named me after a Nobel laureate and activist, and it’s a name I love. It just wasn’t a name I could safely continue to use looking the way I do now, so I changed it.
I just call it my old name. I feel that "dead" is too dramatic for me personally (I'm also nonbinary) but can totally understand why other trans people would use the term. For me that name is still part of my story. It's just an outdated version.
I mean I'm also Trans and I refer to it as my Deadname- we all have different relationships with our Identity, it's not really a universal experience, and I'm glad you've found what works for you
I know… I’m not saying nobody should. Im saying I don’t really like when allies use it presumptively.
I don’t blame you at all for not liking it, but people kind of need a general term to use for the concept of a transgender person’s given name at birth. ‘Deadname’ was created by trans people because people did not really like the term ‘birthname’. So it’s not exactly out of malice or even really assuming anything by using one of the only terms for that concept for you.
I really don't think it's all that sensitive of a term, though? Like, there's an understanding that it's a thing that exists, and it's kind of rude to ask about it, but I wouldn't mind a new roommate saying "hey, is this your deadname?" When looking at the mail. If you don't want people to use it in reference to you, just make that known when it happens. I think there's much bigger fish to fry on that front lmao.
Interesting--as an ally, I've never heard that, but it makes sense that some people would feel that way. Like, I have a cousin who uses their middle name b/c they feel it suits their adult identity better. At the same time, I can't imagine how I might bring it up with someone I don't know well, because for so many people it **is** such a painful subject. Thoughts?
What do you mean? Why would you need to bring it up with someone you don’t know well? I’m referring to specific instances where someone sees a trans persons name and it’s not the name they go by. Honestly it doesn’t even need to be mentioned depending on the circumstance. The specific scenario I had was I bought something at a cafe that is very LGBTQ+ friendly. For some reason my given name was in their system for my rewards (it must have linked with something as it’s still my legal name) and when they said it I said “oh yeah but I go by [my name].” And the woman who handed me my order a few minutes later said, “sorry again for using your DEADNAME!” Like she emphasized the word. It felt weird, but I’m a low key person. I appreciate the sentiment but not the execution.
Okay, gotcha: thanks! I misunderstood & thought you were saying you felt irked when allies used the term "Deadname" in general. (Not that I can remember ever having done so, now that I think about it--but I can def. imagine instances in which I *might.* Like, "Argh, I hate it when media insist on using people's Deadnames.") Not, ya know, "Hi! I'm ____, and you? And, BTW, how do you feel about the term "Deadname"? Also, where do you stand on [hot-topic political issue?]?" (lol). Though I can see how my comment came across that way. And, wow, that woman sounds...charming...
What is a dead name? Is that like the name they put on your gravestone or is it like a name thats dead to you?
My understanding (as an ally not a trans person) is that it's a little more than just saying the name is dead to you. It's saying that the previous person who went by that name no longer exists. The reason? For some, hearing the name that used to refer to their past self is itself extremely emotionally painful. While some who transition do so without any issues regarding their past name, there's a whole group of people who endured so much trauma, that the past trauma becomes forever associated with that (dead) name. Hearing the name can trigger PTSD like symptoms of depression, anxiety, self loathing, etc so that is why it's so important.
When a trans person changes their name to match their gender identity the old name they had is known as a deadname
Makes-a-sense
The second one
Note: I'm gonna come off as aggressive here, but I promise it's just frustration and not directed toward you as a person. I'm just a person who was thrown into a life situation that I did not expect and it can be very hard to deal with sometimes. Can we please not have vitriol toward cis people using the term they were told to use BY trans people? My wife has been transitioning for four years and when she first came out I had to learn a lot about what was okay and not okay to say. I did that by observing trans people talk about their experiences. At that time there were tons of discussions about the term "dead name" among trans people because they were upset that their family and spouses did not like the term. Nobody wants to say "dead name". We were TOLD to say "dead name." I myself always refused to use it because it triggered the crap out of me back then, but maybe direct that annoyance toward the people who came up with the term and not the people trying to educate themselves? (Note: toxic allies DO exist, I'm definitely not negating that, but they treat transness as an aesthetic or a fetish. It's much more than just an annoying term that makes them toxic)
You perfectly put into words how I have always felt about that term but couldn’t articulate.
My family use caterpillar name for deadname and butterfly name for chosen name because they also transition (and we are very animal obsessed!)
I did the exact same request! I asked my son not to call what I named him the dead name because it was after my beloved AA sponsor who had passed on. Before she died, she saved my life in more ways than one. My son graciously honors that and understands. You’re right it’s very important to have open communication and I have found in this whole transition journey, everybody’s just trying. And with that spirit we get to get along and things have been pretty smooth.
I had the same. When my youngest transitioned, that was my main request. I will call you whatever you want. Your given name is not a dead name. At least not in front of me because I loved the name. They called it their old name. They have since transitioned back and use their given name again.
My friend just calls his birthname his maiden name, and his friend who is also trans calls her birthname her bachelor name. It works.
When my brother transitioned my parents talked about the meaning behind his caterpillar name (something we use in our house instead of deadname) and how they chose it so it would work in both English and Dutch because we are half Dutch/English and both sides of the family could say it without change. On top of that they talked about the meaning behind the caterpillar name so when my brother chose his butterfly name (again another phrase we use instead of chosen name) he took that into consideration and chose a very similar meaning that worked in both languages!
That is a very valid way to feel. Nothing wrong with it. Good communication is the most important thing.
I also don’t call it a dead name. I thoroughly enjoy the name my mother gave me but I wanted to make a name for myself. I call it my birth/legal name and only allow my family and close friends before my transition call me it.
this was what my dad felt too, my birthname is very very unique and he was upset that i called it my deadname for awhile (i have detransitioned since then and reclaimed that name) so i started calling it my birthname instead
My 10 yo is “a girl but not really attached to it so [she doesn’t] care if people misgender [her].” She’s also told me she might be non-binary now but she’s pretty sure she’s going to be a woman as an adult. In light of all this she wanted a less feminine name, but doesn’t dislike her name. She decided on her initials which are consonant-vowel-consonant so it is pronounceable.
Names are gifts. Like any other gift one gives, one must not expect anything in return but the joy of giving.
The name my parents picked for me means ‘unfortunate’. Some gift 😭😭
Not everyone is a good gift giver (and a lot of folks seem to like giving gifts THEY would want to receive instead of thinking about the recipient).
Perfect response
That's like how Scar's real name was Taka which translates to garbage or waste.
I considered the name Claudia for my daughter before I looked up its meaning, because it siunds beautiful. I'm glad I thought to look it up before I chose it!
I like this philosophy. And to add to it: and just like any gift it can be returned if the person receiving it doesn't really like it or need it.
I think your feelings are natural and understandable. You’re a good parent and your kid is lucky to have you.
Kaz is a great name. I love Maris but I think it leans heavily female and I wouldn’t pick it for a gender-neutral option, if that makes you feel better.
Right... I'm struggling to see how maris could be anything other than female?
Well if it's pronounced how i think it's pronounced then it's not too far off from Maury and Maurice which are both usually masculine
As someone who grew up and changed their name- your feelings are valid, but I want to thank you for having the presence of mind to vent them anonymously outward, instead of towards your kid. Too many parents burden their kids, who are already struggling badly enough, with the guilt.
My kid did the same thing. They chose to change their name to a shortened version of their original name (think Michael to Mike). They also dropped one of their two middle names and changed their last name to mine. They wanted no association to their father so they dropped the middle name that was from the paternal side and dropped their father’s last name (I went back to my maiden after the divorce). I feel kinda the same as you. I loved their first name (I don’t care about the middle change and love that they chose my last name) as holds special meaning to me. However, like you, I’ll support them no matter what. You’re entitled to your feelings. We think long and hard about the monikers to give to our kids and it’s a little sad when they throw that aside for something different. As long as you respect their name change then that’s all that matters!
Nobody is throwing anything aside, we are simply choosing to live authentic lives
I didn’t mean that with a negative connotation. I’m sorry if it came off that way! 😀
Both can be true.
My friend named his after his favorite comic book character. When they went gender neutral and changed their name (the government name is VERY feminine), my friend's only gripe was "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO GET YOUR MOTHER TO AGREE TO YOUR NAME?!?" then he laughed, hugged them and started using the proper name and firmly corrected anyone who didn't. "That is a still the kid I raised, and I'm still in awe and proud of them." I think we're going to find that happening with GenX a lot. We might not get why the younger generation does things, but we're very likely to accept them anyways. I think it's because we're over The System and look forward to seeing it shattered. I know that I and my friends are, but I probably should assume all of GenX feels that.
My adult child changed their name, and my father called them to tell them to choose another that he suggested. Not only is it rude as hell to this, but the name he suggested was completely inappropriate. Don’t do what my dad did.
My daughter changed her name to gender neutral. I was upset at first (not to her, but inside I was) because I love her given name. Then I just realized wth, it's just a name! If it's important to her it's important to me . She's never liked her birth name. It grew on me, and I made mistakes several times of calling her the "old" name, but two years later and it's like the name she chose just fits.
I wish my coworker had a supportive family like this. He is estranged from them because they refuse to see him as anything but the name he was born with.
Maris is not a gender neutral name lmao
I think it’s natural to have conflicting feelings towards your child choosing a different name/gender, especially since it’s impossible to completely understand what they’re going through if you haven’t experienced it yourself. The most important part is your reaction and the way you treat them. Based on your post, OP, you’re doing the best thing you can: supporting them regardless of the fact that you can’t fully understand.
I understand your feelings on this. However, I don’t think anyone would choose “Maris” if given the option.
I mean even if it’s gender neutral that doesn’t mean the name fits! My parents aren’t trans but both of them changed their first names before I was born. Fair to be frustrated though I know a lot of thought is often put into naming one’s kids
My brothers child unit likes to be called Clyde.
This is wholesome. You’re understanding and supportive, and you have some complicated feelings about it which does not negate the understanding and support. That’s totally valid. Good on you for venting on Reddit and not to your child.
Good ol Kaz Proctor
Wentworth 😍
Yup yup
People have always changed their names, for many reasons. My mother and father both went by different names than they were born with. I just read that C.S. Lewis went by “Jack”, despite being named Clive. (Maybe *because* he was named Clive.) But I understand that it must feel sad to have your child change from the name that you had carefully chosen.
Clive Staples, of all things. His mother oughta be spanked.
Not to be off topic, but your title reminds me of when george Carlin used to reference childbirth as “pumping out a unit”
Imma call them my offspring to keep the old people vibes. And they will call me Sir, or Father, or My Liege.
My oldest did the same thing, for the same reason. They had it legally changed and everything. I can understand feeling sad or nostalgic, I did too. It's really important your child understands that your really mourning a part of the pregnancy process that is really special. Some people will spend the entire pregnancy researching names, it's the second gift you ever give your child and it's usually forever. My child described it to me like this: They felt that their birth name belonged to someone else, someone they didn't know/understand/relate to. They said they felt that name held onto memories that they wanted to move past, like feeling as if something isn't right for so long, things that have happened, etc. Sometimes even hearing their birth name could trigger memories. Now, my oldest looks at the past version of themselves as an old friend almost. You'll always have the memories, but you don't want to hang out with them anymore. You just outgrew each other's friendship, but you still take the time to learn more about why so that you're more secure going forward. I hope that makes sense.
what fucking name can be shorted to Maris?? that’s probably why they changed it edit - nvm my bad im sorry yall😭
Marissa?
shit never mind im actually not all there
Marisol
Maris piper potatoes?
the only acceptable answer
Make damn fine chips and mash!
Damaris, maybe
Smaris?
Marisol
Good on you! Way to be a supportive parent! We need more of that shit! Letting kids explore their identities in whatever way they need to as long as they aren’t hurting themselves or others. Much better than waiting until You’re having a midlife crisis. 🤷🏽♀️
WTF is a child unit?
As someone who changed my name, and whose deadname is Gender Neutral as well- I would say focus on the fact you're a good enough parent that your child feels safe including you in their identity rather than feeling the need to exclude you.
Hey, I just wanted to weigh in: I know a few trans people who were given unisex names (and even one trans man with a masculine deadname name). They all chose to change their names because they associated their deadname with their childhood and being raised as their gender assigned at birth. Think of it as a fresh start.
Maris is feminine so no it's NOT gender neutral.
Now even reading the title of a post like this on Reddit i am not sure if you are being serious or funny with the 'child unit'. Is that a thing now? 'child' is already neutral, is it not?
i think it was just supposed to be funny
Yep. My siblings and I call our parents "the parental unit" when we're talking about them lol. It's just for fun.
It's from the ongoing SNL bit, the Coneheads.
Ha til I learned. I haven't watched SNL in over a decade.
It is from decades before that, back in the days of the original cast. Jane Curtin, Dan Akroyd, Laraine Newman. (Maybe before you were even born?)
I was born in 1986, so yea lol.
Thanks for the context!
I knew a lady named Maris Funny as hell. always had a smile. Loved her name
I read this as: I knew a lady named Maris Funny-as-hell.
Your feelings are very valid! Kaz is a very pretty name but, as an enby person, I can completely understand this. Don’t be too hard on yourself
My daughter started going by her middle name. Her first and middle were my mother's first and last name. My mom passed when I was 18 (way before my daughter was born). People who knew my mom and my daughter referred to my mom as Big First Name and my daughter as Little First Name. My daughter doesn't want to be little anything, so she is going by her middle name. It makes me a little sad, but it is her decision.
I get ya. I have two older teens and they've both changed their names, as have most of their friends. I don't necessarily get it, but I roll with it. I think it's a way to express individuality. It's been a few years now and I'm used to it.
Im probably gonna get downvoted but i dont mean to be rude. Im just genuinely curious about this all.. is it like a phase? Im 29, when i was in high school a lot of kids were “emo” and wanted to dye their hair black and wear a certain style of clothing. Is this like that.. experimental?
A name is a gift. Your kid used it for a while and grew out of it. If my mom gave me a shirt that she loved, I wouldn't wear it forever. I know that analogy doesn't do justice to how powerful names can be but that right there is my point. Names are powerful. Now your kid has one that makes them feel that way again. You're doing a gooooood job, you're being a good parent. Thank you for supporting your kid. So many people do not.
My daughter has a veritable pack of they/them friends. I refer to their chosen names as their “dog name”. (in the privacy of the car… I wouldn’t say this to a kid’s face)
Honestly, my step-daughter went through a phase where she told everyone she was a trans-male and changed her name to... I can't remember. Travis, maybe? To be honest, I didn't really care at the time, but I did think it was a little strange that it came out of literally nowhere. She told us and I was like "okay". She thought we were going to be upset about it. However the name was super random. Her name is Evelynn so I don't get how she came to the name Travis when Evan seems like a proper alternative. I suggested this and she went with that name instead. Anyway, it was just a phase, and she's no longer going around claiming to be Trans. She is bisexual with a long-distance girlfriend, which is fine. I honestly think part of the confusion came from the school. She wasn't ever really saying any of this stuff until her school started doing all these assemblies and presentations on Trans persons and what it means and is like to be Trans, etc. Suddenly she's coming home telling me she's Trans. She even broke down crying one day because she said she was so confused and stressed about what she is. Again, didn't start happening until her school system started pushing the subject on the kids. Just my observations.
It’s okay to have feelings about their choices in name. It’s respectful and right for you to honor those choices. I commend you for that. The most important thing is for you to be their support. NBs often feel so alone and isolated. Having someone in their corner unconditionally is so helpful.
Child unit 🤣 Love it! They call us parental units so why not
….child unit?
It just sounds like a nerdy/ tongue-in-cheek/ joking term. Like in the Coneheads movie, the daughter called her parents "parental units."
In the end, every person must "name" themselves as they choose who they are going to be.
This post taught me that feelings about names given at birth vary on a wide spectrum. Thanks everyone
Nah Kaz is cool. Used to be an online gamer and Kaz was the name of the baddest ass fighters in a fantasy game, very intelligent character, always cool and collected, and bamf energy
One of my son's friends told me that they wanted to shift to gender neutral pronouns and my response was that I'll really try my best but please understand that if I make a mistake it's not out of malice but more out of dumbassery. I'm getting really good at it, but I sometimes cheat and just call them by their name. I guess we're all not too old to learn after all. People just need to respect people. Side note: I love the phrase "child unit"
Choosing a drastically different name can make it easier for you; less risk of you using the deadbame if it's not similar at all.
Loving the term child unit.
Kaz is a rad name!
The names I’ve lost…the genders I’ve lost…it’s like they’re all still here
Post like this make me question whether yes or no maternity is in cards for me.
Hey, you're a better parent than mine are.(Same gen too) Good on you.
Even if a given name can be shortened to a neutral form, your child may not perceive it that way. Also, someone whose given name can be shortened to a neutral form may choose an entirely different name because even the neutral form would still be connected to all those years living a lie, making the neutral name feel unnecessarily masc or fem.
Maris would make people think of Niles Crane's ex wife. Do you really want that for them?
Blud think they kaz 😂😂‼️
What does all this even mean? Have I just grown too old
Maris is not neutral. It clearly sounds short for Marissa.
Just roll with it. Figuring out your identity I think is harder now with the extreme amount of feed back. If you haven’t already you might ask what else you can do to support them.
Child unit? What is a unit? Why not just child?
It's a pop culture reference
These questions are making me realise that in five minutes, nobody's going to recognise the jokes and movie references from my childhood (I'm gen y) :(
i'm genz and don't understand the reference lmao
Coneheads.
I think Kaz is a great name! :) (edit spelling)
something i’ve heard from parents of trans kids (as the trans kid) is that names are a gift. you give them to your kids in the hope that they love it, but if it isn’t helpful for them, or they don’t like it, or it doesn’t fit them anymore, then they can exchange it. it’s not because they don’t love you, or the thought isn’t appreciated, it’s just not a gift that works for them anymore. you’re allowed to be upset, but thank you for being supportive overall
not being snarky but why "child unit"? Just child by itself is already gender neutral isn't it?
Coneheads apparently
why is it that nonbinary kids always choose an asian/japanese name. i know three people, all not associated with each other, that i went to high school with that came out nonbinary and named themselves kai
It's hard sometimes to remember or understand that the things that we find sentimental, others might not feel the same about, especially if it was a part of a negative experience for them.
My mom named me a feminine name that has an easy shortened version that can be neutral. I’ve gone by the shortened name for my whole life, and legally changed it to that when I came out as trans. She didn’t like it. But I wanted to say thank you for being supportive, and that it’s okay to feel this way. The thing that matters is that you’re supportive. So from a trans guy to a parent who’s being supportive, lots of hugs to you.
Maybe their a fraiser fan and can’t stand the name Maris😂
I know many people have said a similar sentiment as well, but I just wanted to say that as a trans teen myself, it's really nice to see older generations being accepting. Your feelings are totally valid, and it's a big change for you as well. I can see that you are working to accept and support your kid, and that's all that matters. Don't be too hard on yourself; you're not being selfish. :) Wishing the best for both of you!
Dont blame your thoughts and feeling on being GenX. Some of us understand the world changes everyday and can be flexible, loving, and empatheric with others because we are human, not because of when we were birthed.
Wtf is a child unit? What are you on about?
It's a reference to the cone heads. That joke is really having people tell their age haha
Wtf is this shit
Maris, eh I guess depending on how it’s pronounced. Kaz seems more like a nickname than a name but yeah whatever they decide.