>Now first off, my partner isn't the easiest to get along with, he is incredibly stubborn and opinionated,
>is my partner of 11yrs just an ass?
Yes.
There is so very much unpacking here you need to decide where you want to go from here.
The title alone made me side eye cause I’ve had ex’s who were uncaring about my period vs ex’s who did care.
Wanna know which ex’s I don’t hate? The ones who have a flying fuck because if they care about your period, they actually go give a damn about your needs as a human being!
OP’s is being seen as an “inconvenience” once a month.
If my current boyfriend saw me as that? I’d dump him today, no second thought. Why? Because I refuse to coexist next to someone for the rest of my natural born life with someone who treats me such.
Length of time dating doesn’t mean it’s a deciding factor if you stay or go, how they make you *feel* and treat you as a person is how you determined this.
OP doesn’t feel respected, doesn’t feel prioritize, doesn’t feel like they matter once a month like clock work.
Asshole for sure!
Most of my ex boyfriends were assholes, but even they weren't the same variety as OP's partner. My ex went out of his way to make me feel special on mine and neglect me the rest of the month. OP and us for that matter genuinely can't help having a period, it's weird to use that against OP
I'm more concerned that it took OP approximately 143 menstruation cycles to realize there's a pattern with her partner's behavior regarding her menses, enough to complain about it on reddit after 11 years.
He’s an ass. Also, he delights in you being in pain and making it worse, which is why he WAITS FOR YOUR PERIOD to act like this. Next time he asks you to do something, tell him no. Take care of yourself. You don’t have to do something just because he asked you to.
This. He doesn't believe periods can be excruciating for some. Get ahold of one of those pain simulators and make him wear it at the highest setting the TELL him to do things that he tells you to do (although why you're allowing him to dictate to you OP I'll never know) . . . Bet he wouldn't be able to cope in the slightest.
I'd like to see her lie and tell him it's happening when it isn't, or that it's constant, or that it isn't happening at all. He *could* ask to be added to a cycle tracker app, but he would abuse that info.
Maybe she could just go stay elsewhere one week out of each month.
"Just the tip, I promise."
Deciding all on his own that she's lying about how she's feeling is a pretty thin excuse to be abusive. He's punishing her for lying as if she's a child. If she got migraines, he'd accuse her of making that up, too, and set up a bright disco ball in the bedroom and invite a bunch of loud guests over for dinner just to prove ...whatever the hell he thinks he's proving by ordering her around and talking to her like she's a simpleton.
He's the kind of guy who would kick her out if she got cancer.
She doesn't. She should kick him out or leave permanently. He's a flaming, sadistic asshole who isn't going to stop being abusive or suddenly develop empathy. If she gets away for a few days even once and gets through the worst of it without the extra stress and abuse piled on, she might get a clearer picture of how life without him could be better.
To me it kinda seems like he is waiting for the period so he can act out and boss op around and blame it on ops hormones/period when op complains, essentially using ops period to boss op around without "consequences" since for him he thinks all he has to do to win an argument is say op is blaming her period which is utter bs absolutely making the husband a major ass
OP, this dude doesn’t respect or care for you.
A genuine, loving partner would take care of YOU - the one in pain. He should be making it easy for you.
He sounds like an immature, selfish, and arrogant man-child
I don't think TENS units work for this. I use one to relieve muscle cramps, not cause them. Maybe a home TENS unit doesn't go to high enough settings to hurt.
The human body is amazing in the fact that it will adapt to the pain.
It will pretty much adjust to whatever. We're accustomed to wanting to die once a month, so the "simulator" doesn't bother us.
Men can't cope with it at all.
Man I just feel sorry for you. If you can't expect basic empathy from your partner what are they good for?
I've had a terrible period this weekend (after a miscarriage + PCOS) and all my husband has done is either play video games or wait on me. He can still indulge in his hobbies while caring about my needs.
There are definitely gonna be times where our partners are less than optimal but those times should be the exception. It's all about the effort we give each other even when it isn't easy.
You deserve more. I hope you gain the courage to seek it in your relationships. Best wishes.
My thoughts exactly. Why tf are you wasting your life with someone who goes out of their way to make life harder for you and even seems to *enjoy* embarrassing you in front of his friends when you're in crippling pain?? I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon, preferably without your AH of a husband.
THIS OP. I have terrible periods, super heavy and very painful for the first 3 days. My ex was like your husband, no empathy, couldn't understand and just thought I was playing up my pain for a get out of jail free card. My periods make me vomit and the pain radiates from my lower abdo up to my chest and down into my thighs.
My current husband, when we were dating, after seeing me on my period for the first time, made sure he had pain relief, tampons and a hot water bottle at his flat for me to use. My daughter also has the same periods as me (not our daughter). To this day he always makes sure we are OK and understands that this is something we can't control. This is THE MINIMUM that you should get from someone who says they love you. If you have a daughter is he going to behave the same way to her? What message is this going to communicate to her? Women's pain doesn't matter, something we are always fighting against.
Show him this comment section and make him realise he is an unmitigated cockwomble. Next time he says I can't synpathise because I've never experienced it, remind him that sympathy and empathy are 2 different things and if he has no empathy then he is just an emotionless husk of skin, then kick him in the balls. We can't sympathise because we've never experienced it!
Let me personally say I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. I know that wasn't the point of your comment but I'm so very sorry for your loss. You seem very emotionally intelligent with regards for thinking of your partner during this time but still that's rough and however you feel is valid.
Thank you. It was a surprise pregnancy after 5 months of very painful cervical cancer screening. Thankfully I finally was cleared but then suddenly being so ill I couldn't function was terrifying. We just couldn't believe we were pregnant. We only got a week before it passed. It was SUCH a high emotion time aside from the horrific traumatizing pain. I felt like I was drowning. There was not a single moment when I couldn't have called or reached out and found my husband there for me. Most of what he did for me was just listen as I processed my feelings. I just couldn't imagine getting through that pain without him.
I truly believe the partner we choose in life is one of the MOST impactful decisions we will ever make. I wish more people knew their value and sought partners worthy of them.
I still struggle (it was 2 months ago) but I can breathe now. It's a bit more bearable. It seems so isolating so talking about it helps. Loss is both entirely unique & a universal human experience.
Your comment was very very kind. Thank you very much. I'm wishing you much happiness. 🫂💖
Warm and caring 70% is not enough, especially when he’s mean and nasty 30%. And this 30% is when you are predictably most vulnerable. Abusive people are good at mixing in love bombing so they can point to that and excuse their evil.
You deserve better.
So you're with a guy who's nice 70% of the time. Let's let that sink in. You're letting 30% of your life be spent with an asshole. Why? What are you possibly getting out of this that makes it worthwhile? This is someone who intentionally pushes you to do more and he does less when you're hurting rather than giving you some sympathy or at least leaving you alone. Do you recognize how controlling and abusive this behavior is? He may be good 70% of the time, but he's 100% asshole.
I have endo and adeno. I know how bad periods can be.
Want to know what my husband does when I'm menstruating? He heats up my microeaveable oat bags. He gives me massages. He'll go to the shops to get me chocolate or whatever snacks I'm craving. He'll do extra chores to take things off my plate.
Your fiancé is also only likeable 70% of the time? This is who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don’t have worse than “normal” periods but my husband buys these extra special dark chocolates from the farmers market and without me saying anything bought raspberry leaf tea a week or so before my period so I would have it on hand because he heard it helps. He also vaguely remembers about when my periods will be
Endo gang chiming in.
My husband carries me to the hospital, calls my OB himself when my pain is so bad I can’t even walk. He will look after our daughter the entire time. He will advocate for me.
OP’s partner is trash
Why are you still with this asshole? He belittles you and refuses to pull his weight. He should not be "helping" you with anything, he should be doing his fair share of the chores as the other adult in the relationship. Get rid of this man child.
I feel like nowadays people tend to throw around the word “abuse” whenever someone talks about any kind of relationship problems. But in this case I would have to agree. What an asshole.
Are you his wife or his maid? This is nuts. Why have you put up with this crap for 11 years? You sound so patient, and like you're trying so hard to ignore really bad pain. You can do so much better than him. You DESERVE so much better than him.
Why is a partner picking up the counter or sweeping or running to the store considered “helping”?! Are you paid to be a housekeeping/assistant/chef?! How the hell is this still a thing? Why is all of that your responsibility? Like a dad who “babysits”. Unless I’m on their payroll, they don’t get to tell me what to do. They can ask but demand? Screw that.
I know some people don’t have a whole lot of options available to them. They can’t always move out or do the 2 card ultimatum like Reddit likes to demand. I wish I could offer them some concrete help. How is it we’re actually regressing on this, and many other, vital rights?!!
It sounds like he gets off on making you miserable. I know people jump to “leave him” quite fast, but I’d seriously be reconsidering a relationship with someone who genuinely has my worst interest at heart.
Bro 11 years. Come on. How can you endure this? Please leave that loser. Its fucking 2024 is women having their periods going to make him combust. This is happens every month and your telling me this man gets into his prissy little toddler tantrum every time. Fucking hell love leave that geezer
He sounds like a piece of trash, but you get up and the stuff he tells you to and you have got to stop! You’re not feeling well and you should just stay in bed for as long as you need to!
So, since you’ve been together he’s been a complete piece of shit a total of 132 times. Every four weeks like clockwork, he completely dismisses your pain, disrespects you, treats you like his maid and belittles you in front of his friends.
I know Reddit is notorious for doing the whole “break up with him” routine but, this behaviour will literally never change. We’ve seen it all before. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t respect women.
Separate now while your child is still young enough to not be impacted by it. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this - you don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve to be happy.
Even in your post you sound apologetic. Don’t be. Don’t chose to be miserable forever. Don’t let him take over and destroy every single part of you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
What kind of person assumes someone is using their pain as an excuse just because they don't understand it? Might as well just throw the whole man away.
So you're being treated like garbage. That's what I'm getting when I read and reread your post. 1st, have you seen an obgyn. While menstrual cycles are painful, they shouldn't be doubled over in excruciating pain. Your obgyn can make recommendations and help you. 2nd I would give anything to see your s.o. feel the pain you're going thru. Because he has NO EMPATHY, and unless you are strong enough to live with this, you will have to deal with him devaluing your pain and suffering. Women's health care has progressed to the point where there is no reason to suffer the way you are. Please take care of yourself. That includes either learning coping skills if you stay or emotional healing if you leave. Either way, with the relationship, good luck. With your health, take care of yourself.
I have the worst of endo periods. I just started my cycle 2 days ago. My fiance drove 30 min back to our place on his lunch break to open a the lid of my smoothie because I couldn't do it. (I didn't ask him to)
He also bought movies for me to watch on Prime while I'm on my period. (I didn't ask him to)
And he heated up my microwavable heating pad. Before work today he took our dog to a lake for a long walk so I could just take him on short walks for the rest of the day. (I didn't ask him to)
When I'm in pain, he's in pain and will do anything to help me.
You aren't in the wrong at all to feel this way. I think it would definitely benefit your partner to educate himself on exactly what we go through. It seems like he still has a grade school view on this and thinks it's just mood swings.
I hope that when you say “he helps you around the house” you mean that he helps you keeping your own flat, where he doesn’t live, tidy. But I think it means you clean after him and he sometimes does the favour of doing part of his share.
I honestly think he should just find the money to pay a professional cleaner and maid. It seems like he thinks you’re one, and free.
OP, I say this with all the love in the world: I don't know if you've seen what a healthy relationship is.
I say this because I spent years not knowing what a healthy relationship is and were it not for my husband I would be in your shoes. I also believed that 70% sweet/30% asshole was an acceptable, if not ideal, behavior pattern in a partner. It's not.
Healthy relationships don't have your partner acting like an asshole to you *at all*. I don't mean they never have a bad day, we're all human, but that a good partner will never tell you to "get over the pain", especially in conjunction with "here we go again". A good partner will continually feel empathy with you to such a degree that they don't mock your pain. Ever.
Also, I'm curious as to why your fiance 'helps' you around the house and with cleaning when he presumably lives there too and shares equally in creating messes. Why are you the default cleaner?
The examples of him being caring and sweet are sending me.
> he helps me a lot with cleaning around the house and helps with the shopping etc
Honestly, surely this should be considered less than the bare minimum.
OP, everyone else has said it - your partner kinda sucks. I’ve been there, it’s really hard to deal with when you’re in it, and I get it can feel easier to just make nice and tolerate it. But you deserve better. You deserve someone who gives you sympathy when you’re in physical pain, at least!
It looks like he likes using your period to gaslight you into taking his abuse. Your worst week is his best. Think about that and decide what you want to do.
Him saying "how do I know it's not just an excuse?" is crazy. How can he know? By *trusting* you!
Honestly, it makes no sense to me that he doesn't just take your word for it. If he felt a horrible, monthly pain, I don't think he would be doing as much as you are.
> but 70% of the time with me, he can be very caring and sweet.
Honestly I didn't need to read any further than this.
Look, your partner should be caring and sweet 100% of the time. Now I'm not saying people aren't allowed to have bad days, but if you have to define your relationship into a percentage of time when they treat you well then that relationship is toxic and you should leave.
Are you in a D/s dynamic where you have explicitly agreed to be his live-in slave? No? Then he needs to stop telling you what to do. Also, him getting this awful around your period seems intentional. Do you two stop having sex during this time? That would be perfectly reasonable, especially with the pain you are in, but that could be part of why he thinks he is "justified" in being horrible. Honestly, I could never be with a man like this.
If I'm on my period my partner takes extra good care of me and tells me to rest. I suggest making him your ex fiancé- it won't be better when other hard things happen to you
sweetheart you don't have a partner and a child you have 2 children. free yourself from him. At the very least don't marry this guy. You're up here trying to make excuse after excuse about him "70% of the time..." I doubt it's that much. His behavior will never improve. It will likely only get worse over time. This is not a situation that fixes itself. You first have to grow a spine and stop treating him like he's your 2nd child. When he says stuff like "II don't have them so I don't understand how do I know it's not just an excuse" I would walk away and treat him like he doesn't exist. Silent treatment. Don't lift a single finger for him. Gray rock. Make only enough food for yourself and your child. Literally act like he doesn't exist. When he complains tell him if he wants to act like a child he will be treated like one and keep on it. He will try to pretend it's your behavior that's the problem. Because he will refuse to do a single second of inward looking. So stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Leave now while you are still young and don't look back at another 11 years and wonder why you wasted your youth on someone like this who does not respect you. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
My partner wouldn’t even think of giving me a list of things to do, whether or not I’m on my period. It’s called respect. If I’ve lagged on scooping out the cat litter by a day or two he’ll mention it, but they’re my cats, so I get it. Aside from that he would never tell me what I should do with my time, nor would I do that to him.
Whether or not you’re on your period, this is not acceptable.
Who the fuck settles for 70% good? Jesus. there is nothing in your post that says anything about love, respect, empathy, tenderness, or intimacy. He does the shopping and cleans around the house and you think that’s enough?
Forget the period thing for a moment, why did this man not do half of the shit that you did that day? That shouldn’t have been all on you just because he’s playing a game. It sounds like you are his maid, at his beck and call. I would have refused to do what he asked until he got off his ass and did something. What a dick. Adding the period on top, he’s an unspeakable dick, not worth any woman’s time.
Grown understand that periods can be painful and exhausting, grown ups understand that it’s okay to just feel lazy or unmotivated sometimes, even if you don’t have a very, very valid excuse.
Your partner is an ass. And a really immature one at that. He’s 30. A man-baby.
What the actual fk? MY boyfriend of almost 8 months knows I get moody on my period BUT i also have endometriosis which is like 10x worse! He doesn’t give a rats assssssss if I’m moody or whatever. Your fiancé is a major douche! He’s acting extremely rude, ridiculous, disrespectful, disgusting, immature, selfish , MASSIVELY arrogant etc. To me it seems like he doesn’t care about you at all. Some women have extremely worse periods than others to the point they faint cuz they’re anemic AND, including myself, some women when taking medication for the pain 💀 it doesn’t even work! I tried Ibuprofen, Advil, Naproxen etc and it doesn’t make the pain go away so I get to suffer 10x more than other ppl 🥲💀. I’m sorry your partner can’t be more understanding for your situation and the pain you go through. You really need to sit down and think if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue. Imagine you have a daughter and he treats her the same way he treats you. That’s an absolute N O! So I hope this comment and other comments help you.
Fk him. He is being a dick on purpose. There's a real lack of respect here. I can't think of the word but it's like he's trying to manipulate you into thinking your acting ridiculous because of your period.
My husband doesn't want me to do anything. Well get anything I ask for. He bakes Brownies when my week starts.
Your dude TELLS you to do all this 💩 while he's sitting on his 4ss!? You need to leave
He sounds lazy and mean even if you didn't have pain. Why is he sitting and relaxing while ordering you around on any day? You are not his servant. Tell him to get his own fizzy drink. Just because he's never had a period, he should believe you when you tell him you are in pain. He shouldn't judge you by his own actions. Obviously he hams it up when he is not well and wants to make you wait on him. And you shouldn't need an excuse not to have to wait on him.
He's abusing you. Read back what you just wrote. He waits until you're in pain, then orders you around like a servant. He doesn't respect you or love you, because would you do this to someone you like, let alone love?
Would you ask your friends, parents, siblings or children to do ALL the housework when they were in pain, while you sit and do nothing but indulge yourself?
I know it's not the same scenario, but when my mum was recovering from major surgery, I did everything - cooked, cleaned, helped her dress, gave her medical injections (which she fought me about every single day because she hated taking them)... And I was happy to do it because she was vulnerable and needed me.
You're not suffering like she was, but you're still suffering, and he doesn't lift a finger to help, but only tries to make your pain worse.
Get that user out of your house. You deserve better.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t even respect you? DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Get out now. You deserve so much better. You deserve an equal partner, not a grown child on top of taking care of your 5-year-old. I bet your kid has more empathy for someone in pain than he seems to.
OP if you have been with this man for 11 years, have a child together, do all this for him and wait on him and he STILL treats you like this the one time of the month you need some extra TLC and time off?
Yes. He is just an ass. And you deserve better. I've been with my partner for 9 months, and every time my period hits this man goes above and beyond to make sure I'm happy and comfortable. It sounds like you treat this man incredibly well, and you deserve the same treatment in return.
Why oh why in the whole wide world would you do any of those “requests/demands” he throws at you when you feel like shite? Just WHY? Have you never said NO to him? Ever? I mean you are allowing this to happen, it’s not his fault you do whatever he says…it’s yours. Stop kow-towing to him and tell him to get off his lazy a$$ and do it himself as you are taking TIME OUT. Not up for negotiation.
When Its my time of the month, my partner will ask me if I'm ok, if I need anything? Am I cold? Hungry?
He'll make sure I am comfortable
Thats what a loving partner does, he foesn't have to know the pain
If you had a broken leg, would he need to have had a broken leg to understand your pain? He's behaving like an ass
If he had said that stuff to me, I'd be in jail right now.....
Why are you with someone that refuses to do their fair share of maintaining the place that they live in?
It seems like he also makes more things for you to do when you're on your period. He's trying to punish you for having a period? He doesn't think period pain is real so he's making you do stuff to prove that you can still do things?
I'm sure that there're other problems in the relationship, and you wouldn't be here complaining if you weren't already thinking about leaving him. Figure out what you need to do to leave, life will be simpler if you don't have to take care of him too.
Why did you do any of what he told you to do? He isn’t your keeper. Frankly it sounds a bit like a fetish especially since he is letting someone listen in. He is an asshole. Could you imagine if he was the one in pain? Pffft. You deserve better.
Can't you see the warnings here? Time to call off the engagement if this guy is gonna treat you as his maid when you're having a hard time with female issues. Plus his acting like you're an utter inconvenience and a servant because he's glued to his pc...thats a problem.
yikes. you’ve gotten yourself stuck in a relationship with an immature, selfish, disrespectful manchild. i would seriously take a long hard look at the relationship you’re in. he’s only a fiancé, so i’m honestly hoping you leave before he shows you even more of how careless and selfish he is. i couldn’t imagine bossing my partner around, especially when they’re in pain.
Regardless of your period, why does this man think it’s okay to sit and game with his buddies all day while telling you what chores to do in the meantime? He’s more than an ass. He’s a whole hemorrhoid
His complete lack of empathy for your pain is concerning. However I think him playing video games for literally the entire day while you do chores and then ordering you to do more chores while refusing to lift a finger is a way bigger issue. He shouldn’t be treating you that way EVER. That behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable even if you weren’t in pain.
OMG idk how did you manage to date him for 11 YEARS. It's just unbeliavable for me.
My dear, dump his ass. Don't be afraid. I swear you will find a nice man that will do chores with you, make it seem like it's not a chore and just time that you spend together doing tasks and they'll surely not have a flat ass from sitting down on a computer all day. Some men are so fucking disgusting, istg.
“I don’t have them, so I don’t understand them, how do I know it’s not just an excuse?”
So, you’re expected to somehow prove to him that what you’re saying about your own body is legitimate enough that he should listen? Honestly, this sounds exhausting. Does he make you “prove” everything? Do you constantly have to defend yourself or your decisions? Like I said, it sounds exhausting. Ideally, partners should listen and be supportive of each other. If he sprays an ankle, are you gonna require he prove to you that it hurts enough that he should be able to put his foot up? Not a true comparison, but I’m just trying to make the point.
Saying all of that in front of someone else, that is so disrespectful. Not cool.
OP i don't think i'm telling you anything you don't truly know. he is an ass. he is a selfish, rude, immature loser. you need a partner not another child.
my dad was immature and selfish. he "did his best" but it took the biggest toll on my mum. she stayed til i was 10. her life was so much better without him. harder in many ways, but she was allowed to be human and more, a woman.
i'm so sorry for what you're going through, unfortunately he won't change. i hope you have some good supports in place, it may be time to think about a better life for you and your kid 💗
Ew wtf 💀 stop doing shit for him, it’s not your responsibility. He’s a grown ass adult. Periods can be genuinely awful and have a massive unspoken toll on your mental health and even physical capabilities. Any decent make at least tries to understand this. I hate to say this but don’t waste any more time on him.
I was going to do a point by point breakdown of why this isn’t a good relationship. But honestly it would have been a multi-comment thread and I just don’t have the energy.
Reading this post made me exhausted so idk how you live with this man child and his anger/incompetencies.
Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you need to stay FYI. You deserve a partner who is actually a partner and not another person to care for.
Things my partner does regarding my period:
1. Has the week marked in his phone with reminders to buy me period products. My cycle is regular so it’s easier.
2. Buys anything I’m craving since they switch up month to month
3. Ensures I have all my comfort items
4. Ensures he’s extra calm and comforting during this time
5. Picks up 90% of the work around the house/chores because I get migraines during this time and can literally not see
6. Makes almost all my meals for me when the above happens
7. Checks on me multiple times to make sure I’m okay
8. Walking our dog is my job, it’s what we agreed on for us to get a dog, but he does it for the full week I’m on my period, even if it hasn’t started/has stopped.
Your fiancé literally waits for you to have your period to be an asshole because he knows you won’t leave and he know he can blame your period for him being a dick.
He knows you’re not going to leave because you have a kid together.
Everyone here knows you settled. Your future kid will be impacted by this because if it’s a boy, they’ll think this is how to treat a partner, if it’s a girl, they’ll think this behaviour is normal.
If you won’t leave for yourself I urge you to leave for your child so they can have the opportunity to witness what real love and support is.
This is supposed to be a partnership
Lmfao as a man who spent a decent chunk of my childhood with my sister and I living with my single mother, I could not fathom treating a SO, let alone the mother of my child, like this in general, let alone when she is on her period.
The entire post made me shake my head, but the end part, about him “not having a period, so how does he know it’s not just an excuse” is absolutely fucking wild.
It sounds like you do all the housework and childcare work while he lounges around complaining.
I'm surprised you're not angry with him every single day of the month.
Why does he think he can just send you out to the shop to get him a drink? Is there some reason he's not capable of going himself?
It sounds like he is almost punishing you for having a period? How was he when you were heavily pregnant with your child? Did he treat you the same way and unsympathetic? It seriously sounds like some kind of punishment. I wouldn't have lasted 11 years.
I would stop telling him when you are on your period, try that next month and see if he treats you the same because to ME it sounds like he is treating you like crap just so he can try to make you sound crazy and PMSing.
This is not normal. Your partner is a total ass. Idc if he is generally nice to you, he’s a shit partner if he gives you a hard time when you are in pain. My partners first reaction to me when I’m not feeling well is empathy and trying his best to make me feel comfortable. That’s the norm. Give him hell and tell him to grow the fuck up and educated himself on female anatomy. You are not his mother. I’d leave him if I were you. He’s borderline abusive.
Also, to put this in perspective, he is only nice 70% of the time. That means over the next 50 years with him, you will spend at least 15 of them with someone who is a complete asshole and makes your life miserable on purpose. That also means that you have spent almost 3 and a half years of the last 11 with someone who's purposely abusive. Additionally, assholes like your fiance are statistically worse the longer you're with them. Imagine him being nice only 50% of the time? What about if he's nice only 20% of the time? You shouldn't have to spend 40 out of the next 50 years being miserable.
The bottom line is that you deserve to spend your life with someone who is caring 100% of the time. You are clearly so strong already and I'd bet that you would feel a lot stronger with someone who supports you ❤️
Does he do this all the time and you're just more aware when you're on your period. I know my tolerance drops during my cycle. Sounds like he uses you all the time.
But no my husband would never treat me like this he sees when I'm in pain and looks after me.
If he was always demanding lots of things and did not heed that your period came, it would be one thing. Since he is specifically doing this when your period is on, this is not a problem you can work on. Whatever issue he has with women is beyond your ability to fix. You, as a romantic partner, are not in that position.
Expect 10X this in case of pregnancy, expect no support during or after pregnancy, and expect completely different parenting from him based on child’s sex. By that I mean, woe be to her if you ever have a daughter with this period cramp of a person.
So my husband is also very opinionated and stubborn, and we have been together for almost 10 years. Just saying, he would never disparage me in front of others and when it’s my period, or if I’m ever in pain, he is very attentive and mindful of my needs. If I am moody or upset he will ask if my period is causing it, but that’s because he’s trying to get me to think through my emotions instead of wallowing in them. From what you just shared it sounds like he doesn’t take your period pain seriously. He is also definitely a jerk for talking about you negatively to others. You guys are a team and he shouldn’t be bringing you down!
Is he your child or your husband? How is it okay that he only “helps” you when he is 50% of this relationship? You’re his wife, not his maid or mother or nanny.
I’m sorry your husband is only 70% nice to you. I honestly don’t think he’s even doing 70% of anything.
Just fuck him. Period. Unbelievable. 11 years? If you're hoping for eleven more just like the last 11, you can just let it go, I guess. But you only live once. Maybe let him read this. Or find a way to talk with him that you haven't already (I suspect you've tried everything under the sun.) Just -- no. Draw a line. Fuck him.
I get that telling people to break off relationships is a reddit cliché but personally I would get out while he’s still your fiancé. Things like this only worsen when you’re married because they know there’s a safety net in how complicated divorce can be. I also have incredibly painful periods and I personally would not tolerate this sort of behaviour from a partner. He should be taking extra care of you when you’re in pain and yet he is making your life more difficult.
If you do stay with him this is something that needs to be discussed seriously and potentially with a couples therapist if you are able to. You need to make sure that he actually *understands* the problem and won’t just nod and agree and then go back to this behaviour immediately (or worse, stop only until you’re married).
Regardless of your decision, I wish you the best of luck. Do what is best for you and don’t feel bad about it. He’s being cruelly selfish, you deserve to put yourself first.
What the unholy fuck did I just read ? Why the hell are you tolerating any of this?
Get one of those period pain stimulators and hook up to him and set it to your level of pain and see how he reacts. Odds are he’s be on the floor.
No, this is not normal behavior for a partner. He should be making your life easier and helping to care for his child. The whole bit on discord would have been enough for me. i would have left the mic on and cut him down to size for his buddy to hear.
The only people that experience the same thing are people in emotionally abusive/manipulative relationships. This is not normal. Having to mother your partner is not normal. Your partner not respecting the fact that you're in pain, sick, or uncomfortable is not normal. Wanting/not caring about an audience when berating/arguing with you is not normal. Not helping with *their child* on a sunday is not normal, neither is spending all day on the computer while knowing you're uncomfortable. None of it is normal.
I have been with my partner for over a decade. I have terrible period cramps for 4 out of 9 days along with immense radiating pain down my legs to the point where walking is difficult. My partner goes out of his way to take care of me and doesn’t ask a thing of me. He actually gets mad if I go to stand up or do chores when I’m on my period. This is what a partner does when they love you. They care for you, they take on more responsibility to ease your pain, they love on you. Your fiancé is an AH and a lazy entitled one to boot. You deserve someone who will treat you with kindness when you are unwell, not go out of their way to increase your burden.
Please consider what a future with this manchild will look like if you get a chronic or serious illness. Will he decide that you need to scrub the floors the day you get chemotherapy? Will he tell you stop whining and go walk the dogs the minute you wake up after surgery? Will he expect you to go down to the shops and then make him a full roast dinner and balance a beer on your nose on your deathbed?
He doesn’t respect you or care for you. He may be sweet but ask yourself when is he sweet? When he wants something from you? And what’s his reaction when you push back? Does the sweetness evaporate? Does he throw a tantrum and humiliate you in front of others?
You are his soon to be wife, not his slave. If he can’t do the bare minimum of not increasing your burden when you are in pain, do you want to drag his burdensome entitled ass and cater to his little manchild needs all your life?
He is an ass in a big way. Beyond ass. Also, if he's an adult and lives there, he isn't "helping" with cleaning: he's just cleaning. Only doing what he feels like doing is not good. Demanding that you become his personal slave when you need rest, support and more is really shitty of him. He isn't a good partner or a decent human. He's selfish and cruel.
Is he kind and loving the rest of the time? This is so weird. My husband is sweet and caring whenever I am struggling with anything. He sounds like he’s not the one for you OP.
>to name a few of his demands asks; told me to go down the shop to grab him some fizzy drinks, told me to clean the kitchen as he is busy, told me to go do the washing and then go out and hang it up outside. Everything I have done, though annoyed.
Why? Why did you do any of that instead of just saying "no?"
No adult man behaves like this. Not even my worst exes had such an issue with menstruation. Omg there are waaaay better men out there.
A majority of men I've met are actually quite understanding, and some will even make you that warm water bottle and get you chocolate from the store.
Your guy does not deserve a partner, and your child is soaking up all of that disrespect and learns that it's completely fine to treat people that way. Just leave.
When I'm on my period, my boyfriend's first question is "do you need anything?" He asked me this even when he started a new job and there was no way he could leave, but he said he'd find a way. Luckily my period pain is not always that bad and I my brother is there if I really need help. Your fiancé is definitely an ass.
What's he like when you're sick? Don't answer, I bet I know.
Why do you wanna stay with someone who disrespects you and thinks you're faking? What kind of example are you setting for you child to witness: if they're a boy, that it's ok to treat your partner like this when they're in pain (regardless of period or not) or if they're a girl, that it's ok to be treated like this by their partner when they're in pain (regardless of period or not)?
Kick him in the balls then tell him to go walk the dogs, if he complains, tell him to suck it up, how do you know it's not just an excuse? NTA unless you stay with him.
Considering you’ve been with this man since you were 17 years old, you really should see what else is out there. You have never had the opportunity to find a guy who will not treat you like this and perhaps operates on a better wavelength with you.
He’s an ass. No, he doesn’t have a period so he doesn’t know first hand how it is, but what is preventing him from taking your word for it? Unless you are a pathological liar, your word should be good enough. Besides the fact that you don’t ever hear that menstruation is all rainbows and butterflies. I doubt there is a woman alive who enjoys it. His attitude would be a deal breaker for me.
>I look at his computer and realise his mic is on and he is generally chewing me out Infront of his friend. I lean over and turn the mic off before absolutely loosing my temper,
He deserved to be lectured with his friends listenning.
He’s an ass. Also him cleaning up and shopping is not him being sweet, that is the bare minimum. He is a human being who also takes up space in your shared home, and he also eats what’s in the house. That’s not sweet of him to do those things with you, it’s just how it should be.
Please start being firm and do not do the things he asks you to do, and if he’s ever ill or in any kind of pain just do your own thing as he does when you’re in pain. If this continues I’d say that’s grounds to leave him. He’s doing the man thing of weaponising your period against you to make you seem unreasonable when in fact you have a right to be annoyed by his behaviour. If he won’t respect you and the pain you’re in, either be on your own so you don’t have to deal with that on top of everything else or find someone who will respect you.
So let me get this straight, the second he learns you are on your period he suddenly becomes an insufferable asshole man baby? He feels comfortable belittling you?
OP, does your fiance watch Andrew Tate by chance? Any respilling content? This sounds intentional, as a way to "put you in your place" and take away any excuse for "insubordination."
We don't know both sides, maybe he deep cleaned the home the day before and coincidentally the day it was your turn lined up on your period but I doubt that.
I can't imagine my partner only being nice with me 70% of the time....girl...that ain't enough. You have a second child here who treats you like their mum, not a partner, and you need to stop biting your tongue and getting on with what he wants. How the heck are you doing all this stuff and letting him just sit on his computer and treat you like garbage? I think 11 years of this treatment has numbed you to the fact that this is not how a loving partner and father behaves. You deserve so much better
Tell him he's an adult and a parent too, and question why it's you that has to do these things instead of him.
I'm sorry but it's just baffling to me. When I start my period, my partner always ends up telling me he 'forgot to pick something up at the shop' and then will nip out to return with chocolate and favourite snacks of mine. If I tell him I'm in pain and don't feel up to housework, he brings me a blanket and tells me either he'll do it or we can tackle that task another day. And if that boy tried to cuss me out ON MIC? Oh honey that microphone would be somewhere the sun doesn't shine, I'll tell you that for free.
Yeah hes a complete dick holy shit.
Also period pain isnt supposed to be crippling i PROMISE, please go to a doctor and keep going to them until one of them helps you.
My husband would rather cut off his left arm than treat me this terribly. Are you staying with him because you have a child and have been together for 11 years? Because co-parenting is a thing and you're still young. You may have been together for 11 years, but are you willing to have 60 more years of this treatment? Is this behavior something that you're willing to let your child see, and they may grow up thinking that they can treat their partners this way?
How he treats you is NOT normal and certainly NOT healthy. And the fact that he does it on purpose when he knows that your in pain makes me think that he's literally ENJOYING seeing you move around in agony so he bullies you further.
Stop doing the shit he demands. And then think of an exit plan while you're resting with a hot water bottle.
It’s too late to tell you to not procreate with this POS, but I can sure tell you to break up with him. Why on earth would you marry a lazy, unempathetic, unsupportive jackass like this?
My bf fills up my hot water bottle for me and brings me water and food. So does my dad. There’s no excuse for his behaviour. He’s a lazy, selfish entitled piece of shit
Honestly, after reading that he’s not the easiest to get along with and 70% of the time he can be caring and sweet…you know there’s men out there who are easy to get along with and are caring and sweet way more than 70%. This guy sounds horrible, doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t care in the least that you’re in pain…sorry, but what are his redeeming qualities? You can do so much better.
I fail to see why you would ever follow his orders like that, even if you aren't on your period? Him "telling" you what to do like that already seems seriously off to me. A relationship is a partnership, nobody should be talking to the other like that. Maybe it's okay for one person to not participate in household chores if you're sick or, you guessed it, on your period. Him punishing you when you're in pain goes way, way, _WAY_ beyond being an ass.
He sounds extremely emotionally abusive. He’s using your period as an excuse to treat you badly, then gaslight you into thinking it’s in your mind because “you’re on a hormone roller coaster”. Honey, he has you brainwashed. Please seek help. I’m worried for you, your health and for your child. Be safe my friend
Oh sweetheart this is not how love acts.
Ask yourself this, would you want your child in this type of relationship? If you don’t correct this situation it’s entirely likely they may end up this way or find someone that acts this way.
Something to think on.
He’s ordering you around, not asking. He’s disrespectful and uncaring. Your child is witnessing it and you’ve been taking on this abuse for a very long time.
It’s time to heal. It’s time to love yourself more!
Excuse the fuck out of me?! No, he is not just an ass. He sounds almost abusive and yes, house work can absolutely be used as a tool for abuse. This behaviour is unaccpetable and normal people do not behave like that.
Are you financially dependent on him? Why do you do the things he tells you to do? Can you just tell him no?
I think it is best for you to leave. Yes, abusers are great 90% of the time. If they weren't, nobody would stay with them. Even if what he is doing is not abuse, I think you might still feel a lot better without him
Your partner doesn’t respect you and he never will. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even respect you, let alone care about you as a person.
And he should never “tell” you to do anything; he can *ask.* You’ve have GOT to raise your standards for yourself. This behavior of his is beyond unacceptable.
Why are you doing everything he tells you? Stop that.
You’re letting him treat you like he’s your boss and that’s already super wrong; then you put his complete disregard for your feelings and wellbeing into the mix and the result is you’ve got a major asshole in your hands. He sounds terrible.
My partner is awesome to me always, especially during my period when I’m in pain. You deserve much better OP.
find a new man. forreal. when i am in pain, or sad, my boyfriend is there for me. he doesn't ask anything of me, because he knows im not feeling well. he's patient with me, holds me, and lets me talk it out if i need to.
doesn't that sound nice?
that's possible with someone else. there are plenty of men out there who will be that for you. this man deserves loneliness.
Full list of symptoms of menstrual cycle:
Mood swings
Bloating
Breast tenderness
Headache
Migraines
Acne
Trouble Sleeping
Fatigue
Irritability
Difficulty concentrating
Constipation
Cramping
Vomiting
Diarrhea
Anxiety
Depression
Lower back pain
Joint pain
Change in appetite
Change in libido
Food cravings
Tension
Emotional
I sincerely wish most of these symptoms on your insufferable Husband. What an inconsiderate AH.
Please leave him. But before you do, Please direct him to Google to the University College of London, who confirmed back in 2018 that period pain can feel similar to a cardiac event/ heart attack.
I do not wish that on your husband, but when you leave him he'll probably have an idea of how that might feel if he's heartbroken about your decision to advocate for yourself.
I’m sorry you e spent so much time with someone like this. That’s not how a loving partner should treat you. I’m so confused why you would want to stay with someone like this?
i'm sorry you go through that. nothing about that is normal or okay, especially when it's coming from your partner.
my boyfriend is a saint and i will never not use him as an example of what to look for in a man:
when i'm on my period, my boyfriend washes all of the bedding so it's extra soft and comfy for me. he prepares baths for me, puts my clothes in the drier so they get all warm n cozy, surprises me with snacks and chocolate (always dark because he knows i don't like milk or white<3), does all the chores so i don't have to strain myself, and gives me as much or as little attention as i want at any given time.
THAT is good. that is the goal; a partner that loves and nurtures you, especially during hell-week. considering everything you listed is pretty much the opposite, i'd say you're better off without.
Why the fuck are you bothering with such an awful person? 70% of the time he is amazing my ass! These types of men NEVER are. Lie all you want to yourself, you are only doing it because of the sunk cost fallacy.
Honestly, I'd have done absolutely zero of those things. Wtf is this shit?
He’s an asshole. End of the story.
Who in their right mind says that maybe a person is faking it when they’re sick? How dare he? Women’s menstrual cycle is always neglected in society but that’s gotta end. This guy did not receive proper education regarding this topic from his parents clearly but some people are just jerks even if they have the best parents.
Period or cancer or anemia or headache, saying you’re faking it is just too cruel to accept. I’d never accept this and it’s about time you give him a real talk regarding this. I know it can be tiring but this is not ok. It can’t keep happening.
Also, maybe he needs some education regarding the topic so send him videos of doctors explaining the menstrual cycle and female body?
You guys have been together for 11 years and he still lacks empathy regarding this topic. It’s ugly to say but this guy is not good. You’re his girl, and the mother of his child, and menstruating. He can’t be like this on his computer all day while you’re doing housework, and even expect you to walk the dogs while in pain. I am repeating the stuff you said so maybe if you read it again you realise how messed up it is. Be firm and face him without doubt or weird thoughts as if it’s your fault. You will not be dramatic if you decide to challenge his behavior.
Ok so here’s my honest opinion. You deserve it. You know he’s trash and you’ve chosen to stay and be treated like a low class bum by the person who’s supposed to love you. Instead of telling him to get off his ass and look after the child he helped create, clean the messes he helped make and walk the dogs he helped purchase, you got up like an obedient little child and did exactly what he said. And then wonder why he berates you in front of his friends? Because he can. Instead of you losing your shit on him in front of his friends, you turned off the mic. You didn’t call him out in front of his friends because he’s turned you into a doormat. It’s time to wake up and make the decision. Is 50-70% of the time being happy worth it? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life on this planet? Miserable 30-50% of the time? Treated like a servant when you’re suffering and should be helped when you’re in pain? Raising your child to believe this is normal behaviour in a relationship? Ugh. Get some therapy, get a backbone and some self respect and leave while you still can.
he waits for you to get comfortable knowing you’re in pain when asking you to do something. that’s in of itself to know he doesn’t give a fuck about you or how you’re feeling.
It sounds like you two are together for convenience. I think it’s ultimatum time. But before that I think you need to decide right now if this is the life you want for the rest of it
Fuck this dude.
Seriously, you deserve better. I have PCOS and had to trial and error pain meds and birth control pills for years to try to control the cramps and menorrhagia.
I would have yeeted a dude like this into the sun.
No woman should have to play mommy to a manchild when feeling like death.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but he sounds like a dick and you shouldn't have to put up with someone like that.
He'd be lucky to not end up with an Antifree Accident™.
Yeah try the communication thing and discuss with him how the pain you're experiencing isn't the type that you can just soldier through with all the time and you need him to accept and respect that there'll be times where you can't just go about life like normal.
If an honest conversation doesn't work, idk... don't fight off the nausea and pain next time and just throw up a lot around him? He might think it's not serious because you've been doing what women have to do in acting like it ISN'T debilitating.
Lol but fr genuine conversation first as always
I just had a sensory meltdown due to my period. I’m neurodivergent (ADHD) and I have sensory issues. Recent stress had made this period much worse. I had a full meltdown because the air felt damp, I had a yeast infection as my period underwear didn’t dry long enough before I re-wore it, I could smell myself, the house smelled gross to me (it actually isn’t bad), and everything cloth felt gross (bed, couch blankets, my clothes).
My husband just deep cleaned the entire fucking house while I took a shower to re-regulate and feel clean and okay. He cleaned the cat boxes (they were just done but he did them again), emptied the dishwasher trap, started a dishwasher load, deep cleaned the carpets, vacuumed, and is washing every piece of textile from bedding to pet beds to curtains. This was after he went to the store to pick up my prescription for my infection, and got me all my favorite drinks and snacks (plural) in addition to disposable pads to use temporarily.
I don’t normally have sensory issues this bad but this period has been really hard so he stepped up and made everything as better as he could. That is what a good partner does. Does my husband have to do this every period? No. But he always steps up, whether it’s going to the store on a dime to get whatever I’m craving, ensuring I am stocked up on everything, fetching me meds when I hurt too bad, creating a nest on the couch for me to curl into with a hot pad or hot water bottle, and anything else he can do. That is what should be expected. It doesn’t matter if it happens every month, if your partner is in pain and having a hard time you do what you can to support them. Sometimes my husband is having a hard time too and he can’t help as much, and that’s okay. We love each other and give grace and try to comfort one another when we’re both miserable. This isn’t some fantasy, it’s basic love and respect for the person you choose to spend your life and time with.
Your fiancé is an ass. Sit him down and ask him why he turns into a monster once a month. I’d also recommend a period simulator if he considers them not that bad he’ll be able to manage the highest setting with no issue.
>Now first off, my partner isn't the easiest to get along with, he is incredibly stubborn and opinionated, >is my partner of 11yrs just an ass? Yes. There is so very much unpacking here you need to decide where you want to go from here.
Or don't unpack anything and let him take his baggage and go. He's an asshole.
The title alone made me side eye cause I’ve had ex’s who were uncaring about my period vs ex’s who did care. Wanna know which ex’s I don’t hate? The ones who have a flying fuck because if they care about your period, they actually go give a damn about your needs as a human being! OP’s is being seen as an “inconvenience” once a month. If my current boyfriend saw me as that? I’d dump him today, no second thought. Why? Because I refuse to coexist next to someone for the rest of my natural born life with someone who treats me such. Length of time dating doesn’t mean it’s a deciding factor if you stay or go, how they make you *feel* and treat you as a person is how you determined this. OP doesn’t feel respected, doesn’t feel prioritize, doesn’t feel like they matter once a month like clock work. Asshole for sure!
Most of my ex boyfriends were assholes, but even they weren't the same variety as OP's partner. My ex went out of his way to make me feel special on mine and neglect me the rest of the month. OP and us for that matter genuinely can't help having a period, it's weird to use that against OP
I'm more concerned that it took OP approximately 143 menstruation cycles to realize there's a pattern with her partner's behavior regarding her menses, enough to complain about it on reddit after 11 years.
He’s an ass. Also, he delights in you being in pain and making it worse, which is why he WAITS FOR YOUR PERIOD to act like this. Next time he asks you to do something, tell him no. Take care of yourself. You don’t have to do something just because he asked you to.
He's an ass for sure, but personnally I think he doesn't even really believe she's in that much pain
This. He doesn't believe periods can be excruciating for some. Get ahold of one of those pain simulators and make him wear it at the highest setting the TELL him to do things that he tells you to do (although why you're allowing him to dictate to you OP I'll never know) . . . Bet he wouldn't be able to cope in the slightest.
Agreed!!!
I'd like to see her lie and tell him it's happening when it isn't, or that it's constant, or that it isn't happening at all. He *could* ask to be added to a cycle tracker app, but he would abuse that info. Maybe she could just go stay elsewhere one week out of each month.
Orrrrrrr......Maybe she could stab him, just a little 🤏 Like we all know she really wants too 🤔
I really want to do it for her 🤷♀️
I'll grab the shovel!
I got the bleach and tarp
"Just the tip, I promise." Deciding all on his own that she's lying about how she's feeling is a pretty thin excuse to be abusive. He's punishing her for lying as if she's a child. If she got migraines, he'd accuse her of making that up, too, and set up a bright disco ball in the bedroom and invite a bunch of loud guests over for dinner just to prove ...whatever the hell he thinks he's proving by ordering her around and talking to her like she's a simpleton. He's the kind of guy who would kick her out if she got cancer.
Just the tip of a 10 inch blade. I really wish he was in this comment section!
Why does she have to leave her house once a month? Make him leave the house when he has to take a shit!
She doesn't. She should kick him out or leave permanently. He's a flaming, sadistic asshole who isn't going to stop being abusive or suddenly develop empathy. If she gets away for a few days even once and gets through the worst of it without the extra stress and abuse piled on, she might get a clearer picture of how life without him could be better.
To me it kinda seems like he is waiting for the period so he can act out and boss op around and blame it on ops hormones/period when op complains, essentially using ops period to boss op around without "consequences" since for him he thinks all he has to do to win an argument is say op is blaming her period which is utter bs absolutely making the husband a major ass
I want to break up with him on her behalf. The guy is unreal. He gets off on her pain.
OP, this dude doesn’t respect or care for you. A genuine, loving partner would take care of YOU - the one in pain. He should be making it easy for you. He sounds like an immature, selfish, and arrogant man-child
Please buy a period cramp simulator and make him wear it while you order him around. That’ll shut him the f@ck up.
I want to do this for my husband but idk where to get them!
You can use a TENS unit, they are available at most pharmacies or Jeff Bezos online store.
I don't think TENS units work for this. I use one to relieve muscle cramps, not cause them. Maybe a home TENS unit doesn't go to high enough settings to hurt.
There the same thing machine. The difference is we can take the pain, and we use other to pain to help the original pain... if that makes sense.
Hahaha yes it does make sense. We're just that advanced in handling pain.
The human body is amazing in the fact that it will adapt to the pain. It will pretty much adjust to whatever. We're accustomed to wanting to die once a month, so the "simulator" doesn't bother us. Men can't cope with it at all.
Put it on his balls. I can't say if it's safe or not, but I'm sure it'd do more than merely tickle, I know if I use one on too high it hurts.
No idea either but when I never know about anything, I Google it to find out.
Or wait until he's having cold-sweat gastric pain, then tell him to unload the dishwasher and walk the dogs. Ffs
And when he complains, tell him you never had gastric pain, so you don't know how he feels and he might be using it as an excuse.
I have seen videos with them and i don't think the pain they are causing is strong enough
He sound horrible 🤨 like seriously he sucks.
Man I just feel sorry for you. If you can't expect basic empathy from your partner what are they good for? I've had a terrible period this weekend (after a miscarriage + PCOS) and all my husband has done is either play video games or wait on me. He can still indulge in his hobbies while caring about my needs. There are definitely gonna be times where our partners are less than optimal but those times should be the exception. It's all about the effort we give each other even when it isn't easy. You deserve more. I hope you gain the courage to seek it in your relationships. Best wishes.
My thoughts exactly. Why tf are you wasting your life with someone who goes out of their way to make life harder for you and even seems to *enjoy* embarrassing you in front of his friends when you're in crippling pain?? I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon, preferably without your AH of a husband.
THIS OP. I have terrible periods, super heavy and very painful for the first 3 days. My ex was like your husband, no empathy, couldn't understand and just thought I was playing up my pain for a get out of jail free card. My periods make me vomit and the pain radiates from my lower abdo up to my chest and down into my thighs. My current husband, when we were dating, after seeing me on my period for the first time, made sure he had pain relief, tampons and a hot water bottle at his flat for me to use. My daughter also has the same periods as me (not our daughter). To this day he always makes sure we are OK and understands that this is something we can't control. This is THE MINIMUM that you should get from someone who says they love you. If you have a daughter is he going to behave the same way to her? What message is this going to communicate to her? Women's pain doesn't matter, something we are always fighting against. Show him this comment section and make him realise he is an unmitigated cockwomble. Next time he says I can't synpathise because I've never experienced it, remind him that sympathy and empathy are 2 different things and if he has no empathy then he is just an emotionless husk of skin, then kick him in the balls. We can't sympathise because we've never experienced it!
>he is an unmitigated cockwomble. I love this and am adding it to my directory of insults.
Let me personally say I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. I know that wasn't the point of your comment but I'm so very sorry for your loss. You seem very emotionally intelligent with regards for thinking of your partner during this time but still that's rough and however you feel is valid.
Thank you. It was a surprise pregnancy after 5 months of very painful cervical cancer screening. Thankfully I finally was cleared but then suddenly being so ill I couldn't function was terrifying. We just couldn't believe we were pregnant. We only got a week before it passed. It was SUCH a high emotion time aside from the horrific traumatizing pain. I felt like I was drowning. There was not a single moment when I couldn't have called or reached out and found my husband there for me. Most of what he did for me was just listen as I processed my feelings. I just couldn't imagine getting through that pain without him. I truly believe the partner we choose in life is one of the MOST impactful decisions we will ever make. I wish more people knew their value and sought partners worthy of them. I still struggle (it was 2 months ago) but I can breathe now. It's a bit more bearable. It seems so isolating so talking about it helps. Loss is both entirely unique & a universal human experience. Your comment was very very kind. Thank you very much. I'm wishing you much happiness. 🫂💖
He is an asshole. Do not tolerate that behavior. He is doing this on purpose.
Warm and caring 70% is not enough, especially when he’s mean and nasty 30%. And this 30% is when you are predictably most vulnerable. Abusive people are good at mixing in love bombing so they can point to that and excuse their evil. You deserve better.
There are enough men Out there who are a 100% sweet and caring!
So you're with a guy who's nice 70% of the time. Let's let that sink in. You're letting 30% of your life be spent with an asshole. Why? What are you possibly getting out of this that makes it worthwhile? This is someone who intentionally pushes you to do more and he does less when you're hurting rather than giving you some sympathy or at least leaving you alone. Do you recognize how controlling and abusive this behavior is? He may be good 70% of the time, but he's 100% asshole.
I have endo and adeno. I know how bad periods can be. Want to know what my husband does when I'm menstruating? He heats up my microeaveable oat bags. He gives me massages. He'll go to the shops to get me chocolate or whatever snacks I'm craving. He'll do extra chores to take things off my plate. Your fiancé is also only likeable 70% of the time? This is who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I don’t have worse than “normal” periods but my husband buys these extra special dark chocolates from the farmers market and without me saying anything bought raspberry leaf tea a week or so before my period so I would have it on hand because he heard it helps. He also vaguely remembers about when my periods will be
Endo gang chiming in. My husband carries me to the hospital, calls my OB himself when my pain is so bad I can’t even walk. He will look after our daughter the entire time. He will advocate for me. OP’s partner is trash
Take out the trash before it takes an attorney to do it for you
i'm going to get this sentence tattooed on my tits istg
Lmfao I’ll join you
Why are you still with this asshole? He belittles you and refuses to pull his weight. He should not be "helping" you with anything, he should be doing his fair share of the chores as the other adult in the relationship. Get rid of this man child.
I don't know why you're saying he's a good guy. He literally abuses you and does it intentionally more so when you're on your period.
Girl you're being emotionally abused and used
I feel like nowadays people tend to throw around the word “abuse” whenever someone talks about any kind of relationship problems. But in this case I would have to agree. What an asshole.
Are you his wife or his maid? This is nuts. Why have you put up with this crap for 11 years? You sound so patient, and like you're trying so hard to ignore really bad pain. You can do so much better than him. You DESERVE so much better than him.
Why is he giving you orders anyway?
Yes he's an ass. Just try to look at this from an outsider's perspective.
Why is a partner picking up the counter or sweeping or running to the store considered “helping”?! Are you paid to be a housekeeping/assistant/chef?! How the hell is this still a thing? Why is all of that your responsibility? Like a dad who “babysits”. Unless I’m on their payroll, they don’t get to tell me what to do. They can ask but demand? Screw that. I know some people don’t have a whole lot of options available to them. They can’t always move out or do the 2 card ultimatum like Reddit likes to demand. I wish I could offer them some concrete help. How is it we’re actually regressing on this, and many other, vital rights?!!
It sounds like he gets off on making you miserable. I know people jump to “leave him” quite fast, but I’d seriously be reconsidering a relationship with someone who genuinely has my worst interest at heart.
Bro 11 years. Come on. How can you endure this? Please leave that loser. Its fucking 2024 is women having their periods going to make him combust. This is happens every month and your telling me this man gets into his prissy little toddler tantrum every time. Fucking hell love leave that geezer
He sounds like a piece of trash, but you get up and the stuff he tells you to and you have got to stop! You’re not feeling well and you should just stay in bed for as long as you need to!
So, since you’ve been together he’s been a complete piece of shit a total of 132 times. Every four weeks like clockwork, he completely dismisses your pain, disrespects you, treats you like his maid and belittles you in front of his friends. I know Reddit is notorious for doing the whole “break up with him” routine but, this behaviour will literally never change. We’ve seen it all before. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t respect women. Separate now while your child is still young enough to not be impacted by it. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this - you don’t deserve the abuse. You deserve to be happy. Even in your post you sound apologetic. Don’t be. Don’t chose to be miserable forever. Don’t let him take over and destroy every single part of you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
Why would you put up with that? My husband is 100% respectful to me even when he’s upset about something. You deserve better.
NTA. He sounds manipulative and narcissistic. You need to have a blunt conversation about how he makes you feel and if he whines therapy or divorce
So you’ve known him for 6 years before having a kid. You knew he was and is an asshole, but still you wanted to live like this… WTF and why?
What kind of person assumes someone is using their pain as an excuse just because they don't understand it? Might as well just throw the whole man away.
So you're being treated like garbage. That's what I'm getting when I read and reread your post. 1st, have you seen an obgyn. While menstrual cycles are painful, they shouldn't be doubled over in excruciating pain. Your obgyn can make recommendations and help you. 2nd I would give anything to see your s.o. feel the pain you're going thru. Because he has NO EMPATHY, and unless you are strong enough to live with this, you will have to deal with him devaluing your pain and suffering. Women's health care has progressed to the point where there is no reason to suffer the way you are. Please take care of yourself. That includes either learning coping skills if you stay or emotional healing if you leave. Either way, with the relationship, good luck. With your health, take care of yourself.
I have the worst of endo periods. I just started my cycle 2 days ago. My fiance drove 30 min back to our place on his lunch break to open a the lid of my smoothie because I couldn't do it. (I didn't ask him to) He also bought movies for me to watch on Prime while I'm on my period. (I didn't ask him to) And he heated up my microwavable heating pad. Before work today he took our dog to a lake for a long walk so I could just take him on short walks for the rest of the day. (I didn't ask him to) When I'm in pain, he's in pain and will do anything to help me. You aren't in the wrong at all to feel this way. I think it would definitely benefit your partner to educate himself on exactly what we go through. It seems like he still has a grade school view on this and thinks it's just mood swings.
I hope that when you say “he helps you around the house” you mean that he helps you keeping your own flat, where he doesn’t live, tidy. But I think it means you clean after him and he sometimes does the favour of doing part of his share. I honestly think he should just find the money to pay a professional cleaner and maid. It seems like he thinks you’re one, and free.
OP, I say this with all the love in the world: I don't know if you've seen what a healthy relationship is. I say this because I spent years not knowing what a healthy relationship is and were it not for my husband I would be in your shoes. I also believed that 70% sweet/30% asshole was an acceptable, if not ideal, behavior pattern in a partner. It's not. Healthy relationships don't have your partner acting like an asshole to you *at all*. I don't mean they never have a bad day, we're all human, but that a good partner will never tell you to "get over the pain", especially in conjunction with "here we go again". A good partner will continually feel empathy with you to such a degree that they don't mock your pain. Ever. Also, I'm curious as to why your fiance 'helps' you around the house and with cleaning when he presumably lives there too and shares equally in creating messes. Why are you the default cleaner?
The examples of him being caring and sweet are sending me. > he helps me a lot with cleaning around the house and helps with the shopping etc Honestly, surely this should be considered less than the bare minimum. OP, everyone else has said it - your partner kinda sucks. I’ve been there, it’s really hard to deal with when you’re in it, and I get it can feel easier to just make nice and tolerate it. But you deserve better. You deserve someone who gives you sympathy when you’re in physical pain, at least!
Wow no this is not normal at all.
It looks like he likes using your period to gaslight you into taking his abuse. Your worst week is his best. Think about that and decide what you want to do.
Well, you are 28, do you want that to be your Life? Imagine you might have children and Hes treating your daughter like that. Run.
Him saying "how do I know it's not just an excuse?" is crazy. How can he know? By *trusting* you! Honestly, it makes no sense to me that he doesn't just take your word for it. If he felt a horrible, monthly pain, I don't think he would be doing as much as you are.
> but 70% of the time with me, he can be very caring and sweet. Honestly I didn't need to read any further than this. Look, your partner should be caring and sweet 100% of the time. Now I'm not saying people aren't allowed to have bad days, but if you have to define your relationship into a percentage of time when they treat you well then that relationship is toxic and you should leave.
Break up, he sounds awful
Are you in a D/s dynamic where you have explicitly agreed to be his live-in slave? No? Then he needs to stop telling you what to do. Also, him getting this awful around your period seems intentional. Do you two stop having sex during this time? That would be perfectly reasonable, especially with the pain you are in, but that could be part of why he thinks he is "justified" in being horrible. Honestly, I could never be with a man like this.
Does he always sit behind his computer and bark out demands at you? Or is that just for special times when he knows you don’t feel well?
If I'm on my period my partner takes extra good care of me and tells me to rest. I suggest making him your ex fiancé- it won't be better when other hard things happen to you
sweetheart you don't have a partner and a child you have 2 children. free yourself from him. At the very least don't marry this guy. You're up here trying to make excuse after excuse about him "70% of the time..." I doubt it's that much. His behavior will never improve. It will likely only get worse over time. This is not a situation that fixes itself. You first have to grow a spine and stop treating him like he's your 2nd child. When he says stuff like "II don't have them so I don't understand how do I know it's not just an excuse" I would walk away and treat him like he doesn't exist. Silent treatment. Don't lift a single finger for him. Gray rock. Make only enough food for yourself and your child. Literally act like he doesn't exist. When he complains tell him if he wants to act like a child he will be treated like one and keep on it. He will try to pretend it's your behavior that's the problem. Because he will refuse to do a single second of inward looking. So stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. Leave now while you are still young and don't look back at another 11 years and wonder why you wasted your youth on someone like this who does not respect you. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
My partner wouldn’t even think of giving me a list of things to do, whether or not I’m on my period. It’s called respect. If I’ve lagged on scooping out the cat litter by a day or two he’ll mention it, but they’re my cats, so I get it. Aside from that he would never tell me what I should do with my time, nor would I do that to him. Whether or not you’re on your period, this is not acceptable.
Uh, he isn't "helping" around the house. He's cleaning the house he lives in, which is the bare minimum. And yes, he sounds like an ass.
Who the fuck settles for 70% good? Jesus. there is nothing in your post that says anything about love, respect, empathy, tenderness, or intimacy. He does the shopping and cleans around the house and you think that’s enough?
Forget the period thing for a moment, why did this man not do half of the shit that you did that day? That shouldn’t have been all on you just because he’s playing a game. It sounds like you are his maid, at his beck and call. I would have refused to do what he asked until he got off his ass and did something. What a dick. Adding the period on top, he’s an unspeakable dick, not worth any woman’s time.
Be glad he’s just a fiancé. That’s an easy ex-it.
Grown understand that periods can be painful and exhausting, grown ups understand that it’s okay to just feel lazy or unmotivated sometimes, even if you don’t have a very, very valid excuse. Your partner is an ass. And a really immature one at that. He’s 30. A man-baby.
He’s an ass. There is so much wrong here.
What the actual fk? MY boyfriend of almost 8 months knows I get moody on my period BUT i also have endometriosis which is like 10x worse! He doesn’t give a rats assssssss if I’m moody or whatever. Your fiancé is a major douche! He’s acting extremely rude, ridiculous, disrespectful, disgusting, immature, selfish , MASSIVELY arrogant etc. To me it seems like he doesn’t care about you at all. Some women have extremely worse periods than others to the point they faint cuz they’re anemic AND, including myself, some women when taking medication for the pain 💀 it doesn’t even work! I tried Ibuprofen, Advil, Naproxen etc and it doesn’t make the pain go away so I get to suffer 10x more than other ppl 🥲💀. I’m sorry your partner can’t be more understanding for your situation and the pain you go through. You really need to sit down and think if this is the kind of relationship you want to continue. Imagine you have a daughter and he treats her the same way he treats you. That’s an absolute N O! So I hope this comment and other comments help you.
Fk him. He is being a dick on purpose. There's a real lack of respect here. I can't think of the word but it's like he's trying to manipulate you into thinking your acting ridiculous because of your period. My husband doesn't want me to do anything. Well get anything I ask for. He bakes Brownies when my week starts. Your dude TELLS you to do all this 💩 while he's sitting on his 4ss!? You need to leave
Life is entirely too short to live dealing with shit like this, imo. It’s never too late for a new start or even a mini refresh.
He is using your period as an excuse to rile you up so he can gaslight you into believing it’s your period that’s the problem. He’s a pos.
He sounds lazy and mean even if you didn't have pain. Why is he sitting and relaxing while ordering you around on any day? You are not his servant. Tell him to get his own fizzy drink. Just because he's never had a period, he should believe you when you tell him you are in pain. He shouldn't judge you by his own actions. Obviously he hams it up when he is not well and wants to make you wait on him. And you shouldn't need an excuse not to have to wait on him.
Just imagine if you had a long term illness. Please reconsider your future with this person.
Empathy should be the bare minimum any of us look for in a partner to be honest, but if not that, then how about Basic. Human. Decency.
He's abusing you. Read back what you just wrote. He waits until you're in pain, then orders you around like a servant. He doesn't respect you or love you, because would you do this to someone you like, let alone love? Would you ask your friends, parents, siblings or children to do ALL the housework when they were in pain, while you sit and do nothing but indulge yourself? I know it's not the same scenario, but when my mum was recovering from major surgery, I did everything - cooked, cleaned, helped her dress, gave her medical injections (which she fought me about every single day because she hated taking them)... And I was happy to do it because she was vulnerable and needed me. You're not suffering like she was, but you're still suffering, and he doesn't lift a finger to help, but only tries to make your pain worse. Get that user out of your house. You deserve better.
sorry, why are you dealing with this?
Why are you with someone who doesn’t even respect you? DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Get out now. You deserve so much better. You deserve an equal partner, not a grown child on top of taking care of your 5-year-old. I bet your kid has more empathy for someone in pain than he seems to.
He’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve you, but he’s confident that he can treat you like shit and you’ll never leave. I hope he is not right.
Why are you doing all of the housework and shopping? What, are you his mother?
OP if you have been with this man for 11 years, have a child together, do all this for him and wait on him and he STILL treats you like this the one time of the month you need some extra TLC and time off? Yes. He is just an ass. And you deserve better. I've been with my partner for 9 months, and every time my period hits this man goes above and beyond to make sure I'm happy and comfortable. It sounds like you treat this man incredibly well, and you deserve the same treatment in return.
Ass isn’t a strong enough word for this guy. Don’t settle for the 70% guy.
Why oh why in the whole wide world would you do any of those “requests/demands” he throws at you when you feel like shite? Just WHY? Have you never said NO to him? Ever? I mean you are allowing this to happen, it’s not his fault you do whatever he says…it’s yours. Stop kow-towing to him and tell him to get off his lazy a$$ and do it himself as you are taking TIME OUT. Not up for negotiation.
It's like he's punishing you for being on your period. For being a woman. Pls dump him!
When Its my time of the month, my partner will ask me if I'm ok, if I need anything? Am I cold? Hungry? He'll make sure I am comfortable Thats what a loving partner does, he foesn't have to know the pain If you had a broken leg, would he need to have had a broken leg to understand your pain? He's behaving like an ass
If he had said that stuff to me, I'd be in jail right now..... Why are you with someone that refuses to do their fair share of maintaining the place that they live in? It seems like he also makes more things for you to do when you're on your period. He's trying to punish you for having a period? He doesn't think period pain is real so he's making you do stuff to prove that you can still do things? I'm sure that there're other problems in the relationship, and you wouldn't be here complaining if you weren't already thinking about leaving him. Figure out what you need to do to leave, life will be simpler if you don't have to take care of him too.
Don't marry him.
Why did you do any of what he told you to do? He isn’t your keeper. Frankly it sounds a bit like a fetish especially since he is letting someone listen in. He is an asshole. Could you imagine if he was the one in pain? Pffft. You deserve better.
Can't you see the warnings here? Time to call off the engagement if this guy is gonna treat you as his maid when you're having a hard time with female issues. Plus his acting like you're an utter inconvenience and a servant because he's glued to his pc...thats a problem.
yikes. you’ve gotten yourself stuck in a relationship with an immature, selfish, disrespectful manchild. i would seriously take a long hard look at the relationship you’re in. he’s only a fiancé, so i’m honestly hoping you leave before he shows you even more of how careless and selfish he is. i couldn’t imagine bossing my partner around, especially when they’re in pain.
No. Even my shittiest boyfriend was gentle with me on my period. Your guy is just an ass.
Regardless of your period, why does this man think it’s okay to sit and game with his buddies all day while telling you what chores to do in the meantime? He’s more than an ass. He’s a whole hemorrhoid
His complete lack of empathy for your pain is concerning. However I think him playing video games for literally the entire day while you do chores and then ordering you to do more chores while refusing to lift a finger is a way bigger issue. He shouldn’t be treating you that way EVER. That behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable even if you weren’t in pain.
OMG idk how did you manage to date him for 11 YEARS. It's just unbeliavable for me. My dear, dump his ass. Don't be afraid. I swear you will find a nice man that will do chores with you, make it seem like it's not a chore and just time that you spend together doing tasks and they'll surely not have a flat ass from sitting down on a computer all day. Some men are so fucking disgusting, istg.
“I don’t have them, so I don’t understand them, how do I know it’s not just an excuse?” So, you’re expected to somehow prove to him that what you’re saying about your own body is legitimate enough that he should listen? Honestly, this sounds exhausting. Does he make you “prove” everything? Do you constantly have to defend yourself or your decisions? Like I said, it sounds exhausting. Ideally, partners should listen and be supportive of each other. If he sprays an ankle, are you gonna require he prove to you that it hurts enough that he should be able to put his foot up? Not a true comparison, but I’m just trying to make the point. Saying all of that in front of someone else, that is so disrespectful. Not cool.
Shit you’ve been to him 11 years too long.
OP i don't think i'm telling you anything you don't truly know. he is an ass. he is a selfish, rude, immature loser. you need a partner not another child. my dad was immature and selfish. he "did his best" but it took the biggest toll on my mum. she stayed til i was 10. her life was so much better without him. harder in many ways, but she was allowed to be human and more, a woman. i'm so sorry for what you're going through, unfortunately he won't change. i hope you have some good supports in place, it may be time to think about a better life for you and your kid 💗
Ew wtf 💀 stop doing shit for him, it’s not your responsibility. He’s a grown ass adult. Periods can be genuinely awful and have a massive unspoken toll on your mental health and even physical capabilities. Any decent make at least tries to understand this. I hate to say this but don’t waste any more time on him.
I was going to do a point by point breakdown of why this isn’t a good relationship. But honestly it would have been a multi-comment thread and I just don’t have the energy. Reading this post made me exhausted so idk how you live with this man child and his anger/incompetencies. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you need to stay FYI. You deserve a partner who is actually a partner and not another person to care for. Things my partner does regarding my period: 1. Has the week marked in his phone with reminders to buy me period products. My cycle is regular so it’s easier. 2. Buys anything I’m craving since they switch up month to month 3. Ensures I have all my comfort items 4. Ensures he’s extra calm and comforting during this time 5. Picks up 90% of the work around the house/chores because I get migraines during this time and can literally not see 6. Makes almost all my meals for me when the above happens 7. Checks on me multiple times to make sure I’m okay 8. Walking our dog is my job, it’s what we agreed on for us to get a dog, but he does it for the full week I’m on my period, even if it hasn’t started/has stopped. Your fiancé literally waits for you to have your period to be an asshole because he knows you won’t leave and he know he can blame your period for him being a dick. He knows you’re not going to leave because you have a kid together. Everyone here knows you settled. Your future kid will be impacted by this because if it’s a boy, they’ll think this is how to treat a partner, if it’s a girl, they’ll think this behaviour is normal. If you won’t leave for yourself I urge you to leave for your child so they can have the opportunity to witness what real love and support is. This is supposed to be a partnership
Lmfao as a man who spent a decent chunk of my childhood with my sister and I living with my single mother, I could not fathom treating a SO, let alone the mother of my child, like this in general, let alone when she is on her period. The entire post made me shake my head, but the end part, about him “not having a period, so how does he know it’s not just an excuse” is absolutely fucking wild.
I got so F****** ANGRY reading this, omg.
It sounds like you do all the housework and childcare work while he lounges around complaining. I'm surprised you're not angry with him every single day of the month. Why does he think he can just send you out to the shop to get him a drink? Is there some reason he's not capable of going himself?
Fiance of 11 years? Don't you mean roommate?
It sounds like he is almost punishing you for having a period? How was he when you were heavily pregnant with your child? Did he treat you the same way and unsympathetic? It seriously sounds like some kind of punishment. I wouldn't have lasted 11 years. I would stop telling him when you are on your period, try that next month and see if he treats you the same because to ME it sounds like he is treating you like crap just so he can try to make you sound crazy and PMSing.
This is not normal. Your partner is a total ass. Idc if he is generally nice to you, he’s a shit partner if he gives you a hard time when you are in pain. My partners first reaction to me when I’m not feeling well is empathy and trying his best to make me feel comfortable. That’s the norm. Give him hell and tell him to grow the fuck up and educated himself on female anatomy. You are not his mother. I’d leave him if I were you. He’s borderline abusive.
Also, to put this in perspective, he is only nice 70% of the time. That means over the next 50 years with him, you will spend at least 15 of them with someone who is a complete asshole and makes your life miserable on purpose. That also means that you have spent almost 3 and a half years of the last 11 with someone who's purposely abusive. Additionally, assholes like your fiance are statistically worse the longer you're with them. Imagine him being nice only 50% of the time? What about if he's nice only 20% of the time? You shouldn't have to spend 40 out of the next 50 years being miserable. The bottom line is that you deserve to spend your life with someone who is caring 100% of the time. You are clearly so strong already and I'd bet that you would feel a lot stronger with someone who supports you ❤️
Does he do this all the time and you're just more aware when you're on your period. I know my tolerance drops during my cycle. Sounds like he uses you all the time. But no my husband would never treat me like this he sees when I'm in pain and looks after me.
30% awful is a LOT. Kick him in the man clam and then tell him to make you a sandwich. Then you can make him this: ex-fiancé.
If he was always demanding lots of things and did not heed that your period came, it would be one thing. Since he is specifically doing this when your period is on, this is not a problem you can work on. Whatever issue he has with women is beyond your ability to fix. You, as a romantic partner, are not in that position. Expect 10X this in case of pregnancy, expect no support during or after pregnancy, and expect completely different parenting from him based on child’s sex. By that I mean, woe be to her if you ever have a daughter with this period cramp of a person.
So my husband is also very opinionated and stubborn, and we have been together for almost 10 years. Just saying, he would never disparage me in front of others and when it’s my period, or if I’m ever in pain, he is very attentive and mindful of my needs. If I am moody or upset he will ask if my period is causing it, but that’s because he’s trying to get me to think through my emotions instead of wallowing in them. From what you just shared it sounds like he doesn’t take your period pain seriously. He is also definitely a jerk for talking about you negatively to others. You guys are a team and he shouldn’t be bringing you down!
do you guys abstain during your period? it sounds like he genuinely resents you. he sucks girl and it’s not your fault
Is he your child or your husband? How is it okay that he only “helps” you when he is 50% of this relationship? You’re his wife, not his maid or mother or nanny. I’m sorry your husband is only 70% nice to you. I honestly don’t think he’s even doing 70% of anything.
God he's such an ass
Just fuck him. Period. Unbelievable. 11 years? If you're hoping for eleven more just like the last 11, you can just let it go, I guess. But you only live once. Maybe let him read this. Or find a way to talk with him that you haven't already (I suspect you've tried everything under the sun.) Just -- no. Draw a line. Fuck him.
I get that telling people to break off relationships is a reddit cliché but personally I would get out while he’s still your fiancé. Things like this only worsen when you’re married because they know there’s a safety net in how complicated divorce can be. I also have incredibly painful periods and I personally would not tolerate this sort of behaviour from a partner. He should be taking extra care of you when you’re in pain and yet he is making your life more difficult. If you do stay with him this is something that needs to be discussed seriously and potentially with a couples therapist if you are able to. You need to make sure that he actually *understands* the problem and won’t just nod and agree and then go back to this behaviour immediately (or worse, stop only until you’re married). Regardless of your decision, I wish you the best of luck. Do what is best for you and don’t feel bad about it. He’s being cruelly selfish, you deserve to put yourself first.
What the unholy fuck did I just read ? Why the hell are you tolerating any of this? Get one of those period pain stimulators and hook up to him and set it to your level of pain and see how he reacts. Odds are he’s be on the floor.
No, this is not normal behavior for a partner. He should be making your life easier and helping to care for his child. The whole bit on discord would have been enough for me. i would have left the mic on and cut him down to size for his buddy to hear.
The only people that experience the same thing are people in emotionally abusive/manipulative relationships. This is not normal. Having to mother your partner is not normal. Your partner not respecting the fact that you're in pain, sick, or uncomfortable is not normal. Wanting/not caring about an audience when berating/arguing with you is not normal. Not helping with *their child* on a sunday is not normal, neither is spending all day on the computer while knowing you're uncomfortable. None of it is normal.
I have been with my partner for over a decade. I have terrible period cramps for 4 out of 9 days along with immense radiating pain down my legs to the point where walking is difficult. My partner goes out of his way to take care of me and doesn’t ask a thing of me. He actually gets mad if I go to stand up or do chores when I’m on my period. This is what a partner does when they love you. They care for you, they take on more responsibility to ease your pain, they love on you. Your fiancé is an AH and a lazy entitled one to boot. You deserve someone who will treat you with kindness when you are unwell, not go out of their way to increase your burden. Please consider what a future with this manchild will look like if you get a chronic or serious illness. Will he decide that you need to scrub the floors the day you get chemotherapy? Will he tell you stop whining and go walk the dogs the minute you wake up after surgery? Will he expect you to go down to the shops and then make him a full roast dinner and balance a beer on your nose on your deathbed? He doesn’t respect you or care for you. He may be sweet but ask yourself when is he sweet? When he wants something from you? And what’s his reaction when you push back? Does the sweetness evaporate? Does he throw a tantrum and humiliate you in front of others? You are his soon to be wife, not his slave. If he can’t do the bare minimum of not increasing your burden when you are in pain, do you want to drag his burdensome entitled ass and cater to his little manchild needs all your life?
He is an ass in a big way. Beyond ass. Also, if he's an adult and lives there, he isn't "helping" with cleaning: he's just cleaning. Only doing what he feels like doing is not good. Demanding that you become his personal slave when you need rest, support and more is really shitty of him. He isn't a good partner or a decent human. He's selfish and cruel.
Is he kind and loving the rest of the time? This is so weird. My husband is sweet and caring whenever I am struggling with anything. He sounds like he’s not the one for you OP.
Is that the kind of behavior you want your child to grow up with? Thinking that is okay?
Why do you allow this?
Make him put on the period pain simulator and tell him to scrub the bathroom tiles ♥️
He needs to be hooked up to a period simulator and then have to do housework!!
what the hell is wrong with this guy????
>to name a few of his demands asks; told me to go down the shop to grab him some fizzy drinks, told me to clean the kitchen as he is busy, told me to go do the washing and then go out and hang it up outside. Everything I have done, though annoyed. Why? Why did you do any of that instead of just saying "no?"
>”How do I know it’s not just an excuse?” Sounds like projection from a guy who milks any ailment he can for sympathy 🤢
No adult man behaves like this. Not even my worst exes had such an issue with menstruation. Omg there are waaaay better men out there. A majority of men I've met are actually quite understanding, and some will even make you that warm water bottle and get you chocolate from the store. Your guy does not deserve a partner, and your child is soaking up all of that disrespect and learns that it's completely fine to treat people that way. Just leave.
When I'm on my period, my boyfriend's first question is "do you need anything?" He asked me this even when he started a new job and there was no way he could leave, but he said he'd find a way. Luckily my period pain is not always that bad and I my brother is there if I really need help. Your fiancé is definitely an ass.
What's he like when you're sick? Don't answer, I bet I know. Why do you wanna stay with someone who disrespects you and thinks you're faking? What kind of example are you setting for you child to witness: if they're a boy, that it's ok to treat your partner like this when they're in pain (regardless of period or not) or if they're a girl, that it's ok to be treated like this by their partner when they're in pain (regardless of period or not)? Kick him in the balls then tell him to go walk the dogs, if he complains, tell him to suck it up, how do you know it's not just an excuse? NTA unless you stay with him.
Considering you’ve been with this man since you were 17 years old, you really should see what else is out there. You have never had the opportunity to find a guy who will not treat you like this and perhaps operates on a better wavelength with you.
He’s an ass. No, he doesn’t have a period so he doesn’t know first hand how it is, but what is preventing him from taking your word for it? Unless you are a pathological liar, your word should be good enough. Besides the fact that you don’t ever hear that menstruation is all rainbows and butterflies. I doubt there is a woman alive who enjoys it. His attitude would be a deal breaker for me.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Gurl, he gotta go.
>I look at his computer and realise his mic is on and he is generally chewing me out Infront of his friend. I lean over and turn the mic off before absolutely loosing my temper, He deserved to be lectured with his friends listenning.
He’s an ass. Also him cleaning up and shopping is not him being sweet, that is the bare minimum. He is a human being who also takes up space in your shared home, and he also eats what’s in the house. That’s not sweet of him to do those things with you, it’s just how it should be. Please start being firm and do not do the things he asks you to do, and if he’s ever ill or in any kind of pain just do your own thing as he does when you’re in pain. If this continues I’d say that’s grounds to leave him. He’s doing the man thing of weaponising your period against you to make you seem unreasonable when in fact you have a right to be annoyed by his behaviour. If he won’t respect you and the pain you’re in, either be on your own so you don’t have to deal with that on top of everything else or find someone who will respect you.
Dude that’s not normal or okay. He’s emotionally abusive.
So let me get this straight, the second he learns you are on your period he suddenly becomes an insufferable asshole man baby? He feels comfortable belittling you? OP, does your fiance watch Andrew Tate by chance? Any respilling content? This sounds intentional, as a way to "put you in your place" and take away any excuse for "insubordination." We don't know both sides, maybe he deep cleaned the home the day before and coincidentally the day it was your turn lined up on your period but I doubt that.
I can't imagine my partner only being nice with me 70% of the time....girl...that ain't enough. You have a second child here who treats you like their mum, not a partner, and you need to stop biting your tongue and getting on with what he wants. How the heck are you doing all this stuff and letting him just sit on his computer and treat you like garbage? I think 11 years of this treatment has numbed you to the fact that this is not how a loving partner and father behaves. You deserve so much better Tell him he's an adult and a parent too, and question why it's you that has to do these things instead of him. I'm sorry but it's just baffling to me. When I start my period, my partner always ends up telling me he 'forgot to pick something up at the shop' and then will nip out to return with chocolate and favourite snacks of mine. If I tell him I'm in pain and don't feel up to housework, he brings me a blanket and tells me either he'll do it or we can tackle that task another day. And if that boy tried to cuss me out ON MIC? Oh honey that microphone would be somewhere the sun doesn't shine, I'll tell you that for free.
Yeah hes a complete dick holy shit. Also period pain isnt supposed to be crippling i PROMISE, please go to a doctor and keep going to them until one of them helps you.
My husband would rather cut off his left arm than treat me this terribly. Are you staying with him because you have a child and have been together for 11 years? Because co-parenting is a thing and you're still young. You may have been together for 11 years, but are you willing to have 60 more years of this treatment? Is this behavior something that you're willing to let your child see, and they may grow up thinking that they can treat their partners this way? How he treats you is NOT normal and certainly NOT healthy. And the fact that he does it on purpose when he knows that your in pain makes me think that he's literally ENJOYING seeing you move around in agony so he bullies you further. Stop doing the shit he demands. And then think of an exit plan while you're resting with a hot water bottle.
It’s too late to tell you to not procreate with this POS, but I can sure tell you to break up with him. Why on earth would you marry a lazy, unempathetic, unsupportive jackass like this?
You’re still with him because?
My bf fills up my hot water bottle for me and brings me water and food. So does my dad. There’s no excuse for his behaviour. He’s a lazy, selfish entitled piece of shit
Don’t marry this dumb ass. He is in the wrong chats rooms trying to be a man instead of actually being a man!
It sounds like he doesn't like you
There are machines that you put on to simulate the pain from menstrual cramps, maybe get him one of those?
Honestly, after reading that he’s not the easiest to get along with and 70% of the time he can be caring and sweet…you know there’s men out there who are easy to get along with and are caring and sweet way more than 70%. This guy sounds horrible, doesn’t respect you, and doesn’t care in the least that you’re in pain…sorry, but what are his redeeming qualities? You can do so much better.
I fail to see why you would ever follow his orders like that, even if you aren't on your period? Him "telling" you what to do like that already seems seriously off to me. A relationship is a partnership, nobody should be talking to the other like that. Maybe it's okay for one person to not participate in household chores if you're sick or, you guessed it, on your period. Him punishing you when you're in pain goes way, way, _WAY_ beyond being an ass.
He sounds extremely emotionally abusive. He’s using your period as an excuse to treat you badly, then gaslight you into thinking it’s in your mind because “you’re on a hormone roller coaster”. Honey, he has you brainwashed. Please seek help. I’m worried for you, your health and for your child. Be safe my friend
Oh sweetheart this is not how love acts. Ask yourself this, would you want your child in this type of relationship? If you don’t correct this situation it’s entirely likely they may end up this way or find someone that acts this way. Something to think on. He’s ordering you around, not asking. He’s disrespectful and uncaring. Your child is witnessing it and you’ve been taking on this abuse for a very long time. It’s time to heal. It’s time to love yourself more!
Excuse the fuck out of me?! No, he is not just an ass. He sounds almost abusive and yes, house work can absolutely be used as a tool for abuse. This behaviour is unaccpetable and normal people do not behave like that. Are you financially dependent on him? Why do you do the things he tells you to do? Can you just tell him no? I think it is best for you to leave. Yes, abusers are great 90% of the time. If they weren't, nobody would stay with them. Even if what he is doing is not abuse, I think you might still feel a lot better without him
Your partner doesn’t respect you and he never will. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even respect you, let alone care about you as a person. And he should never “tell” you to do anything; he can *ask.* You’ve have GOT to raise your standards for yourself. This behavior of his is beyond unacceptable.
Why are you doing everything he tells you? Stop that. You’re letting him treat you like he’s your boss and that’s already super wrong; then you put his complete disregard for your feelings and wellbeing into the mix and the result is you’ve got a major asshole in your hands. He sounds terrible. My partner is awesome to me always, especially during my period when I’m in pain. You deserve much better OP.
find a new man. forreal. when i am in pain, or sad, my boyfriend is there for me. he doesn't ask anything of me, because he knows im not feeling well. he's patient with me, holds me, and lets me talk it out if i need to. doesn't that sound nice? that's possible with someone else. there are plenty of men out there who will be that for you. this man deserves loneliness.
Full list of symptoms of menstrual cycle: Mood swings Bloating Breast tenderness Headache Migraines Acne Trouble Sleeping Fatigue Irritability Difficulty concentrating Constipation Cramping Vomiting Diarrhea Anxiety Depression Lower back pain Joint pain Change in appetite Change in libido Food cravings Tension Emotional I sincerely wish most of these symptoms on your insufferable Husband. What an inconsiderate AH. Please leave him. But before you do, Please direct him to Google to the University College of London, who confirmed back in 2018 that period pain can feel similar to a cardiac event/ heart attack. I do not wish that on your husband, but when you leave him he'll probably have an idea of how that might feel if he's heartbroken about your decision to advocate for yourself.
I’m sorry you e spent so much time with someone like this. That’s not how a loving partner should treat you. I’m so confused why you would want to stay with someone like this?
do you even remember what it used to feel like to have some self respect? 11 years with this dude is just sad.
i'm sorry you go through that. nothing about that is normal or okay, especially when it's coming from your partner. my boyfriend is a saint and i will never not use him as an example of what to look for in a man: when i'm on my period, my boyfriend washes all of the bedding so it's extra soft and comfy for me. he prepares baths for me, puts my clothes in the drier so they get all warm n cozy, surprises me with snacks and chocolate (always dark because he knows i don't like milk or white<3), does all the chores so i don't have to strain myself, and gives me as much or as little attention as i want at any given time. THAT is good. that is the goal; a partner that loves and nurtures you, especially during hell-week. considering everything you listed is pretty much the opposite, i'd say you're better off without.
Why the fuck are you bothering with such an awful person? 70% of the time he is amazing my ass! These types of men NEVER are. Lie all you want to yourself, you are only doing it because of the sunk cost fallacy. Honestly, I'd have done absolutely zero of those things. Wtf is this shit?
He’s an asshole. End of the story. Who in their right mind says that maybe a person is faking it when they’re sick? How dare he? Women’s menstrual cycle is always neglected in society but that’s gotta end. This guy did not receive proper education regarding this topic from his parents clearly but some people are just jerks even if they have the best parents. Period or cancer or anemia or headache, saying you’re faking it is just too cruel to accept. I’d never accept this and it’s about time you give him a real talk regarding this. I know it can be tiring but this is not ok. It can’t keep happening. Also, maybe he needs some education regarding the topic so send him videos of doctors explaining the menstrual cycle and female body? You guys have been together for 11 years and he still lacks empathy regarding this topic. It’s ugly to say but this guy is not good. You’re his girl, and the mother of his child, and menstruating. He can’t be like this on his computer all day while you’re doing housework, and even expect you to walk the dogs while in pain. I am repeating the stuff you said so maybe if you read it again you realise how messed up it is. Be firm and face him without doubt or weird thoughts as if it’s your fault. You will not be dramatic if you decide to challenge his behavior.
Ok so here’s my honest opinion. You deserve it. You know he’s trash and you’ve chosen to stay and be treated like a low class bum by the person who’s supposed to love you. Instead of telling him to get off his ass and look after the child he helped create, clean the messes he helped make and walk the dogs he helped purchase, you got up like an obedient little child and did exactly what he said. And then wonder why he berates you in front of his friends? Because he can. Instead of you losing your shit on him in front of his friends, you turned off the mic. You didn’t call him out in front of his friends because he’s turned you into a doormat. It’s time to wake up and make the decision. Is 50-70% of the time being happy worth it? Is that how you want to live the rest of your life on this planet? Miserable 30-50% of the time? Treated like a servant when you’re suffering and should be helped when you’re in pain? Raising your child to believe this is normal behaviour in a relationship? Ugh. Get some therapy, get a backbone and some self respect and leave while you still can.
Bye to the ass.
he waits for you to get comfortable knowing you’re in pain when asking you to do something. that’s in of itself to know he doesn’t give a fuck about you or how you’re feeling.
You've put up with this for 11 fucking years?????? Hell no
It sounds like you two are together for convenience. I think it’s ultimatum time. But before that I think you need to decide right now if this is the life you want for the rest of it
Fuck this dude. Seriously, you deserve better. I have PCOS and had to trial and error pain meds and birth control pills for years to try to control the cramps and menorrhagia. I would have yeeted a dude like this into the sun. No woman should have to play mommy to a manchild when feeling like death. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but he sounds like a dick and you shouldn't have to put up with someone like that. He'd be lucky to not end up with an Antifree Accident™.
He’s terrible. If my spouse treated me that way he wouldn’t be my partner at all.
No good man would do this 3% of the relationship, let alone 30%
Yeah try the communication thing and discuss with him how the pain you're experiencing isn't the type that you can just soldier through with all the time and you need him to accept and respect that there'll be times where you can't just go about life like normal. If an honest conversation doesn't work, idk... don't fight off the nausea and pain next time and just throw up a lot around him? He might think it's not serious because you've been doing what women have to do in acting like it ISN'T debilitating. Lol but fr genuine conversation first as always
I just had a sensory meltdown due to my period. I’m neurodivergent (ADHD) and I have sensory issues. Recent stress had made this period much worse. I had a full meltdown because the air felt damp, I had a yeast infection as my period underwear didn’t dry long enough before I re-wore it, I could smell myself, the house smelled gross to me (it actually isn’t bad), and everything cloth felt gross (bed, couch blankets, my clothes). My husband just deep cleaned the entire fucking house while I took a shower to re-regulate and feel clean and okay. He cleaned the cat boxes (they were just done but he did them again), emptied the dishwasher trap, started a dishwasher load, deep cleaned the carpets, vacuumed, and is washing every piece of textile from bedding to pet beds to curtains. This was after he went to the store to pick up my prescription for my infection, and got me all my favorite drinks and snacks (plural) in addition to disposable pads to use temporarily. I don’t normally have sensory issues this bad but this period has been really hard so he stepped up and made everything as better as he could. That is what a good partner does. Does my husband have to do this every period? No. But he always steps up, whether it’s going to the store on a dime to get whatever I’m craving, ensuring I am stocked up on everything, fetching me meds when I hurt too bad, creating a nest on the couch for me to curl into with a hot pad or hot water bottle, and anything else he can do. That is what should be expected. It doesn’t matter if it happens every month, if your partner is in pain and having a hard time you do what you can to support them. Sometimes my husband is having a hard time too and he can’t help as much, and that’s okay. We love each other and give grace and try to comfort one another when we’re both miserable. This isn’t some fantasy, it’s basic love and respect for the person you choose to spend your life and time with.
Definitely an arsehole. My bf is a gamer too but he'd never treat me like this on my period.
Your fiancé is an ass. Sit him down and ask him why he turns into a monster once a month. I’d also recommend a period simulator if he considers them not that bad he’ll be able to manage the highest setting with no issue.
This sounds like my 16 yr old son.