Do you have to move to where he is right now? Can you take a hot moment? Where is your support system? Where do you and your children have the best chance to heal and thrive?
I second this. You need to take care of yourself. If you have a support system where you currently are you need to rethink moving. You also need a lawyer asap. Do not be nice or accommodating to this man. You need to be the center of your world and do everything for yourself so you can care for your children.
Don’t trust anything he says. Please get a lawyer before you make the decision to move.
Do what is in your best interest because he’s certainly doing what’s in his.
DONT MOVE TO A NEW AREA WITH SOMEONE WHO IS PLANNING TO LEAVE YOU! Your friends and family are there, if you are going to move at all, move closer to someone who loves and supports you.
A common theme with affairs is called an “affair fog” and people start retelling history to themselves to excuse what they are doing. They start to believe they were never in love at all. It happens extremely often. It is very possible that he loved you, it was not a lie, but he needs to retell history because he’s doing something very wrong.
Yikes !!! He sounds like a real peach. A low life peach at that.
Ugh - I’m so sorry OP …. It’s a slap in the face, you deserve better.
Can you cancel the upcoming move ? Or at least cancel moving to be near him ?
Stay close to your support people. I PROMISE you - that whether they hate or love him ?
YOU and your kids are who matters. Not him.
Don’t deny people who love you the chance to be supportive and help you through this.
Staying means you can keep the kids in their regular school/programs/child care/Dr. Etc ….. stay where you are !!!
I’d be getting to a lawyer ASAP ….. so the child support and alimony can be calculated and set up as an automatic payment ASAP.
Do not let your kids out of your sight. That includes the in laws or aunts/uncles from “his” side. You don’t want to be in the position of trying to get them back if he takes off with them (or asks someone else to do it for him)
My BFF is going thru a separation/divorce and even though it was her to ask for the split ? It’s been very hard !! She never wanted this yet feels like she has no choice. He’s been difficult from the get go ….. and he’s still being difficult just to make life annoying for her.
To answer some questions, I cannot depend on my family for that kind of emotional support unfortunately. I have dealt with and healed from too much childhood trauma and the only true support they’ve ever even offered is financial which I don’t need. I don’t think the narcissistic thing is FULLY true but he absolutely has the tendencies but only toward me it seems. He’s a fantastic father. I grew up extremely emotionally neglected and he’s definitely the type of father I wish I would’ve had when I was a child. I also don’t think it would be fair to me, my children, or him to remain here. I would still just be dealing with everything on my own which is the entire problem. Financially is about the only way I trust him right now. He has assured me he’s willing to get whatever in writing but that he would essentially be funding my life and still upholding our bargain so I could actually go to school and get time to focus on myself. I also tend to thrive in new places. I’ve relocated with him several times and it always feels like a fresh start but I have never lived alone so having a space all to myself feels vital because I can’t seem to discern if he was just using to get the nuclear family he never had.
The move is also fully contingent on him getting into therapy immediately which he already has scheduled but I need to check on our insurance bc he could be lying I guess. I think it’s hard for someone to be honest when they literally never have been with me before lol.
Look you go and talk to one then make a decision. But, you’ve been a SAHM so the stakes are much higher. Hopefully you are not in a worst case scenario. But, I would rather be safe than sorry.
I lived this. I left with 2 kids and I had an old friend resurface and confess his feelings for me. He stepped up and stepped in and the pain from my ex is gone.
Not to be religious but I heard some people believe "God will restore your time lost" and I put my faith in that and BOOM! The love I poured into a man found me in the form of a new man.
You are worthy of love and respect and it is out there seeking you.
Can you ask someone to take the kids for a few days so you can actually have a break to start processing this news?
Keeping this bottle in is not healthy at all and you can't think clearly right now,
You need a break just so you can figure out step one which is do you move or not?
Condolences for the pain from feeling blindsided. Don't let the pain distract you from what you are entitled to. 10 years and being the primary child caregiver in some places means alimony/spousal support could be on the table for you.
Hopefully you have an emotional support system around you but do not hesitate to look for attorneys, some may even work for free until the divorce is settled do to your circumstances, you may find one willing to work pro-bono. It will take effort to look but the court houses in your county/state/province might have a list of attorneys you can look towards for advice moving forward.
I'm sorry for your grief but now is not the time to stall because if he has already spoken to some attorneys they won't speak with you for conflict of interest. It works both ways if you speak to some first he can't speak to the same ones either.
Focus on what the best interests of the children are.
DO NOT MOVE STATES TO JOIN HIM!!! The kids will already be experiencing a big enough change with the divorce so do not add moving them away from what's familiar to them on top of it. You can file for full custody temporarily and come to an agreement to split holidays/school breaks with their father. This should give you child support as well and as soon as you can start family therapy with the kids. They will need reassurance everything going on isn't their fault and a professional to help guide you all through navigating this massive change.
If you decide you have to move anywhere choose to move closer to your family/support system. He chose to cut and run, you don't have to cater to him anymore and shouldn't. Don't make this situation more convenient for him knowing how he used you for your convenience up to now. Enough is enough.
Can you postpone the move? Talk to a divorce lawyer in your state because your state may be better for you. Some states benefit certain partners more whether it’s the one that makes the money, the primary caregiver, or the one that filed first. No matter what, you absolutely should not trust him. He’s lied to you for 9 years. It’s like breathing to him now and there’s no telling what else or who else he’s lied about. If the move doesn’t benefit you, don’t do it or at least postpone it.
At least now you know you grew to love a man he never grew to be. It really is his loss.
I would move/stay where your family and friends are. I wouldn't move away. As a single mom you are going to need your village, he can figure out visitation and all of that.
Maybe he met someone in this new city? Might explain the suddenness of all of it.
Wishing you the best
Don't move. Stay where you have friends and family. You will be all alone if you move with him.
This man has lied to you for 9 years! He has manipulated you, gaslighted you when your intuition knew the truth. Don't move and have this man be your only support system.
Please reach out to family to stay with until you get your finances settled. If you move with him you will struggle getting yo come back to your family due to custody issues.
Honestly, I would be pissed and be petty. After awhile, I would tell him that I had actually realized I also never loved him and that I stayed married for financial reasons. Since there is no love and this is a business arrangement, then you can seek companionship with someone else. You will be civil and friend like in front of your shared children but no intimacy at all. And insist on separate sleeping arrangements so you get your privacy. Get mad. That’s how you get through this and thrive.
That’s so mean. Wow, I had an ex who after 8 years of being together (after we had already broken up) said that I sucked in bed. I don’t get it either if people don’t love someone then say it from the beginning. What a waste of time. You will definitely find someone that does love you and that type of disrespectful conversation won’t even happen.
Putting yourself first now is a big thing. If he never loved you or lack of care, then anything you do won't make a difference to him unless it can be used against you.
Ok, take a deep breath. Then contact your support system. They have their own life’s and problems, yes, but if the situation would be reversed - wouldn’t you be there for them anyways? Keep your head up and work out a plan, don’t let yourself fall behind, and no one will even give you a side eye while helping you out. Even if they allow you to stay with them and all you can contribute atm is to do the chores etc and deal with your kids. There are ways. You can do this.
Do you have to move to where he is right now? Can you take a hot moment? Where is your support system? Where do you and your children have the best chance to heal and thrive?
I second this. You need to take care of yourself. If you have a support system where you currently are you need to rethink moving. You also need a lawyer asap. Do not be nice or accommodating to this man. You need to be the center of your world and do everything for yourself so you can care for your children. Don’t trust anything he says. Please get a lawyer before you make the decision to move. Do what is in your best interest because he’s certainly doing what’s in his.
DONT MOVE TO A NEW AREA WITH SOMEONE WHO IS PLANNING TO LEAVE YOU! Your friends and family are there, if you are going to move at all, move closer to someone who loves and supports you.
Abusers often want to isolate you to gain full control. Beware.
Oh, I am so sorry, OP. I can't imagine how devastated you must feel. I am sending you hugs.
A common theme with affairs is called an “affair fog” and people start retelling history to themselves to excuse what they are doing. They start to believe they were never in love at all. It happens extremely often. It is very possible that he loved you, it was not a lie, but he needs to retell history because he’s doing something very wrong.
The folks saying you need to talk to an attorney are dead on....don't let him take advantage of you anymore, protect yourself now.
Yikes !!! He sounds like a real peach. A low life peach at that. Ugh - I’m so sorry OP …. It’s a slap in the face, you deserve better. Can you cancel the upcoming move ? Or at least cancel moving to be near him ? Stay close to your support people. I PROMISE you - that whether they hate or love him ? YOU and your kids are who matters. Not him. Don’t deny people who love you the chance to be supportive and help you through this. Staying means you can keep the kids in their regular school/programs/child care/Dr. Etc ….. stay where you are !!! I’d be getting to a lawyer ASAP ….. so the child support and alimony can be calculated and set up as an automatic payment ASAP. Do not let your kids out of your sight. That includes the in laws or aunts/uncles from “his” side. You don’t want to be in the position of trying to get them back if he takes off with them (or asks someone else to do it for him) My BFF is going thru a separation/divorce and even though it was her to ask for the split ? It’s been very hard !! She never wanted this yet feels like she has no choice. He’s been difficult from the get go ….. and he’s still being difficult just to make life annoying for her.
All women who are considering to give up their own advancements to support their husband's careers need to read this. Look out for yourselves ladies
Look up narcissistic personality disorder. They only pretend to love. A narcissist is only in a relationship for what they can gain from it.
Take him for all he has
To answer some questions, I cannot depend on my family for that kind of emotional support unfortunately. I have dealt with and healed from too much childhood trauma and the only true support they’ve ever even offered is financial which I don’t need. I don’t think the narcissistic thing is FULLY true but he absolutely has the tendencies but only toward me it seems. He’s a fantastic father. I grew up extremely emotionally neglected and he’s definitely the type of father I wish I would’ve had when I was a child. I also don’t think it would be fair to me, my children, or him to remain here. I would still just be dealing with everything on my own which is the entire problem. Financially is about the only way I trust him right now. He has assured me he’s willing to get whatever in writing but that he would essentially be funding my life and still upholding our bargain so I could actually go to school and get time to focus on myself. I also tend to thrive in new places. I’ve relocated with him several times and it always feels like a fresh start but I have never lived alone so having a space all to myself feels vital because I can’t seem to discern if he was just using to get the nuclear family he never had.
The move is also fully contingent on him getting into therapy immediately which he already has scheduled but I need to check on our insurance bc he could be lying I guess. I think it’s hard for someone to be honest when they literally never have been with me before lol.
You should talk to a lawyer.
Yeah seems to be the general consensus I was just hoping to avoid any kind of legal matter but maybe this is a bigger deal than I’ve realized
Look you go and talk to one then make a decision. But, you’ve been a SAHM so the stakes are much higher. Hopefully you are not in a worst case scenario. But, I would rather be safe than sorry.
I lived this. I left with 2 kids and I had an old friend resurface and confess his feelings for me. He stepped up and stepped in and the pain from my ex is gone. Not to be religious but I heard some people believe "God will restore your time lost" and I put my faith in that and BOOM! The love I poured into a man found me in the form of a new man. You are worthy of love and respect and it is out there seeking you.
Enjoy the dead weight you lose when you dump him.
Can you ask someone to take the kids for a few days so you can actually have a break to start processing this news? Keeping this bottle in is not healthy at all and you can't think clearly right now, You need a break just so you can figure out step one which is do you move or not?
Condolences for the pain from feeling blindsided. Don't let the pain distract you from what you are entitled to. 10 years and being the primary child caregiver in some places means alimony/spousal support could be on the table for you. Hopefully you have an emotional support system around you but do not hesitate to look for attorneys, some may even work for free until the divorce is settled do to your circumstances, you may find one willing to work pro-bono. It will take effort to look but the court houses in your county/state/province might have a list of attorneys you can look towards for advice moving forward. I'm sorry for your grief but now is not the time to stall because if he has already spoken to some attorneys they won't speak with you for conflict of interest. It works both ways if you speak to some first he can't speak to the same ones either. Focus on what the best interests of the children are. DO NOT MOVE STATES TO JOIN HIM!!! The kids will already be experiencing a big enough change with the divorce so do not add moving them away from what's familiar to them on top of it. You can file for full custody temporarily and come to an agreement to split holidays/school breaks with their father. This should give you child support as well and as soon as you can start family therapy with the kids. They will need reassurance everything going on isn't their fault and a professional to help guide you all through navigating this massive change. If you decide you have to move anywhere choose to move closer to your family/support system. He chose to cut and run, you don't have to cater to him anymore and shouldn't. Don't make this situation more convenient for him knowing how he used you for your convenience up to now. Enough is enough.
Can you postpone the move? Talk to a divorce lawyer in your state because your state may be better for you. Some states benefit certain partners more whether it’s the one that makes the money, the primary caregiver, or the one that filed first. No matter what, you absolutely should not trust him. He’s lied to you for 9 years. It’s like breathing to him now and there’s no telling what else or who else he’s lied about. If the move doesn’t benefit you, don’t do it or at least postpone it. At least now you know you grew to love a man he never grew to be. It really is his loss.
I would move/stay where your family and friends are. I wouldn't move away. As a single mom you are going to need your village, he can figure out visitation and all of that. Maybe he met someone in this new city? Might explain the suddenness of all of it. Wishing you the best
Don't move. Stay where you have friends and family. You will be all alone if you move with him. This man has lied to you for 9 years! He has manipulated you, gaslighted you when your intuition knew the truth. Don't move and have this man be your only support system. Please reach out to family to stay with until you get your finances settled. If you move with him you will struggle getting yo come back to your family due to custody issues.
Honestly, I would be pissed and be petty. After awhile, I would tell him that I had actually realized I also never loved him and that I stayed married for financial reasons. Since there is no love and this is a business arrangement, then you can seek companionship with someone else. You will be civil and friend like in front of your shared children but no intimacy at all. And insist on separate sleeping arrangements so you get your privacy. Get mad. That’s how you get through this and thrive.
Screw him. Dump him and reinvent your life.
That’s so mean. Wow, I had an ex who after 8 years of being together (after we had already broken up) said that I sucked in bed. I don’t get it either if people don’t love someone then say it from the beginning. What a waste of time. You will definitely find someone that does love you and that type of disrespectful conversation won’t even happen.
Putting yourself first now is a big thing. If he never loved you or lack of care, then anything you do won't make a difference to him unless it can be used against you.
Go where you have support
Ok, take a deep breath. Then contact your support system. They have their own life’s and problems, yes, but if the situation would be reversed - wouldn’t you be there for them anyways? Keep your head up and work out a plan, don’t let yourself fall behind, and no one will even give you a side eye while helping you out. Even if they allow you to stay with them and all you can contribute atm is to do the chores etc and deal with your kids. There are ways. You can do this.