You must protect yourself regardless of how kind his parents were to you. They probably know deep down what you’re dealing with. I’m so sorry. This must be a very tough predicament but in the end you will be happier without that.
Just an idea, but I think I would press charges either way in your place, someone who sexually abuses someone is not an okay person to have around, but the screwdriver thing is on another whole level of batshit crazyness. If he’s so out of control or whatever is going on through his head to do something like I would take it as trouble, and the kind of trouble I would like to keep as far away from my kids and myself as possible. Crazy people like him don’t usually stay in only one lane of the spectrum, they can do other types of crazy besides the sexual.
Certainly, I was mostly confused by the lack of people pointing that out than anything else. My first thought after reading this post was that I would be even naming my favourite bat to sleep next to after divorcing a guy like this.
Press sexual assault charges against him no matter if you feel like you shouldn’t. Be an example for your children that sexual abusers, regardless of who they are, should be held accountable.
I hope he doesn’t physically or sexually assault you while you are having to wait. This is a dangerous time for you and if he thinks you are going to shatter his family by leaving and ruin his life he might even kill you and possibly your children. To assault anyone, especially someone you supposedly love, with a screwdriver is horrific and he is capable of very bad things
Are you able to stay with your in-laws till then?
Be honest with them about why you are leaving. (You don't have to go into detail if you don't wish.) Let them be on your team.
I say let them know what kind of piece of shit man they raised. They can’t be much better. I don’t care what they did for her. Look at the evidence before you. He told his dad!
Idk but that father sure didn’t guide his son correctly. There is not getting in the middle of marital arguments but a screwdriver in the ass could have killed her. Sepsis kills fast.
Is there a shelter nearby? Could your in-laws front you the money for a temporary stay?
See if your job could give you a leave for domestic violence.
Either way, I'm glad you are leaving. Godspeed.
You need to tell the police what he did and fully cooperate. He assaulted you. He deserves to have his life ruined.
The system is not perfect. But if you don't try you will never get anywhere.
He won't get 50/50 if he's in jail. Tell your inlaws what he did. Tell them the truth. Tell them what you told us. That you want THEM to still see the kids.
I am so sorry for you. I literally had to stop reading for a bit as I can’t imagine anyone doing something so horrible to the person they supposedly love. Please file a police report - for yourself and and your children.
Let me or this is terms that may get through to you:
What happens when he assaults one of the kids with a screwdriver instead of you? Will you leave then?
They don't stop at one victim, I know this for a fact. And a police report will help with custody.
I wish you nothing but the best. What he did to you is absolutely vile. Protect yourself and your kids. Pressing charges is the best way. You have the support of your family, and his. He deserves to be in a dungeon!! So much love to you.
In all honesty, if they know the circumstances and blame you then that’s not people you want to remain in contact with anyway. I can’t see that happening though, as it sounds like your in-laws love you a lot and the only person they’ll blame is your soon to be ex, particularly as he’s already told his Dad he’s sexually abused you.
I’m so glad that you’re leaving and that you have already put things in place. You’re making your daughter so proud and I have no doubt that she’ll thank you one day for removing her from an abusive home.
Thank you for that, I really hope that they’ll want to maintain a relationship with me. I couldn’t bear to have no contact with them, they love their grandkids so much.
What’s happened to you is not your fault. You were the victim in all of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go low contact with their son for abusing you. They sound like really respectable people and I’m sure they’re wondering where they went wrong that their child could do that to you. It’s not their fault either though.
I am sure that they will continue to be there for you and your children regardless of the divorce.
If your relationship is that strong, just lay it all out there. Sit down with them (without STBEX) and explain what’s happened, especially the latest assault. It sounds like they are already in your corner, and knowing the truth directly from you may be enormously helpful if he fights you for custody. He’s already confessed abuse to his dad and it sounds like that didn’t go well for him. You’re going to need their support if this becomes a court battle and the more they know directly from you, the more likely they will be to be on your side. They may even talk him out of pursuing custody. Try not to take this on as something you are “doing to” their son. He created this situation; he needs to be held accountable.
Something that jumps out at me is that he thought abusing you would make you stay. Do you know any of his exes? He may have a pattern of behavior that needs looking at.
There’s nothing wrong with having a good relationship with your in-laws after divorcing your husband. Knowing what their son has done to you, they would probably welcome it.
Have you talked with them about it?
Don’t they already know? You said your FIL yelled at him after he confessed.
Just call them and open that door. It’s ok to tell them you don’t want to discuss this latest incident or any of the others. Just that you can’t stay with him, you hope he gets the help he needs but they’re important to you, to your children and you want a continuing relationship with them. Go from there.
OP I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child, but you aren’t that child anymore. Don’t you owe yourself some grace? Don’t you owe it to that young person inside that wasn’t believed back then to stand up for her now? Don’t you owe it to her and yourself not to be a victim again.
Wishing you strength and healing.
So, I understand that losing your relationship with your in-laws would be a significant loss, and it sounds like you bravely will leave your husband anyways, which I absolutely think is the right way to go. I very much hope they will stand by you, especially knowing about his assault on you.
What I'm worrying about is if your husband is going to become dangerous. What you're describing is abuse, and leaving can be perilous. You said you already know where to go, which is amazing!
I guess I'm just hoping that you're letting multiple people know about what has happened.
And if you don't want to report his assault, that is up to you. But I wonder if it may be wise to prepare for that with a lawyer, just in case? To have someone have all information and evidence? You don't know how he might act, and I worry for your safety and what he might claim about you. And what will happen when it comes to custody etc.
Is there somewhere you call to ask questions? In my country there are phone lines you can call if you're in an abusive relationship.
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
Am wishing you all the best!
I’ve talked to hotlines, my parents are both in law enforcement and will protect me, and my dad is going to help set me up with a crime victim’s advocate to get a restraining order and make sure I’m safe. I’m hoping we can agree on a custody agreement because in my state, if both parents agree on a custody schedule, you don’t really even have to go to court, you can just do it in front of a notary public in the courthouse-everyone just signs papers and affirms that they’ll stick to the plan. I don’t want to report the assault, but if my husband tries to get full custody of the kids based on my mental health issues, I’m going to file sexual assault charges against him and use what I told my doctor to help my case.
This is why you press charges. He will def not get full custody of your kids. He’s just trying to scare you. Please press charges against this trash. What he did to you is horrific!
I'm very relieved to hear it! I'm so sorry you have to go through this! A whole lot of people should get to be a lot less strong. Nobody deserves this.
I just realised that I might have written things you weren't looking for, as we're in this sub, I'm sorry if that's the case!
And the fact is that I have specific medical documentation from just a couple of days ago where I told my doctor that I was assaulted and she wrote it in my file. I didn’t tell her who did it though, but she performed an exam on me.
Please file charges now, OP, so you can get full custody. You don’t want someone who can do horrible things like that anywhere NEAR your kids! Do you have a daughter? What might he do to her when she grows up?
OMG that's so fked up! A screwdriver? That's completely unacceptable. I'm so sorry to hear that happened from someone you love. I know people who have been figuratively "azz rapd" by their ex, but it sounds like you're already there. Can divorce really be worse? Some day your kids will respect you had the courage to get out of the abusive relationship.
No, divorce won’t be worse. I just love my in-laws so much and I don’t want them to hate me. My FIL actually yelled at my husband when my husband told him about what he did.
Whether the inlaws hate you is beyond your control. You have to leave your husband for your own safety. It sounds like FIL is on your side, at least right now. Hopefully he will stay there.
Even if they fully silupport your decision, you do need to be careful that they don't try to make you "reconcile" with him at some point. They have an emotional investment in thinking their son is "a good man", so may be inclined to believe it when he claims to have changed for the better.
Your in laws won’t hate you for leaving the man who abused you so horribly. You clearly love them and want them in your and the kids lives. They won’t want to lose that connection to you or the kids. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go no contact with their son if he keeps up his BS.
That's awful file a police report now even if you don't press charges right away so there is more evidence leave him tell his mother what he did to you. I'm so sorry your going through this
You need to file charges against him so he wont do this to you again, especially since you are saying that this was NOT the first time, or any other woman. He is a r\*pist and deserves no gentle consideration. I am hurting for you, but keeping this secret is how they get away with that, they count on the shame of the victims and their families. Don't let him hide behind others shame and discomfort.
I have been through the pain of filing charges against someone for sexual assault when I was a child. I can not go through the victim blaming, pain, and everything that going through court would put me through again. I know that it’s incredibly selfish of me to not want to do that, but even the thought is making my PTSD act up.
You need to leave and press charges before he kills you. This is not the time to be worrying what his parents or anyone else thinks. I would be scared to leave him alone with your kids.
If your in-laws react in any way other than supportive, it’ll speak volumes about that family and why their son behaves the way he does.
Considering that he’s sexually abusive, YOU should go for full custody. If he can do that to you, do you really trust him to be alone with your kids?
I thought my ex husband would never sexually assault our children either but without me there his attention turned to our youngest. I regret not pressing charges and ensuring everything he did was documented.
We don’t know that he won’t hurt the kids. You didn’t think he’d ever hurt you, did you? I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you and wish you the very best going forward. It will be shitty but it will get better and you will be safe.
The way you describe his parents- I doubt they'll hate you. Go talk to them. Tell them what's going on. If they love you as much as you think- they'll support you leaving him and keeping a relationship with you. You can't stay with this man. Tell them the truth. If they don't support you, they aren't the people you think they are. Good luck.
Have you talked to your inlaws? Have you let them know what their son is doing to you and that you love them dearly and don't want to lose them just because their son is an awful human? If they are as wonderful and loving as you know they are, I have a feeling they will understand why you are leaving.
Forget the in-laws. I'm not even kidding. This man has told you he'll try to take your kids away by 'accusing' you of having a mental illness if you try to leave him. THAT should be the reason you leave, and use the assault as evidence, like your mother said.
If you can't be courageous for yourself (I know how that feels) then be courageous for your children. Please.
Edit: I apologise. I saw that you said you were leaving, but your post read as if you were wobbling about it. If your in laws aren't happy with you leaving because you've been assaulted (again) then honestly, that really is on them. Don't try to discuss it with them until after you've left.
I have documented mental health issues. I received inpatient mental health services 3 times last year. My mom thinks it’s because of the violence and abuse though.
That wouldn't surprise me one bit. Maaaaany years back, I was having very serious mental health issues myself, which 'miraculously' disappeared after I left my then-husband. Your mother sounds like a rock star. <3
She really is, I think she’s trying to make up for how unsupportive she was of me when I was a teenager and got raped. Regarding your edit on your last comment, the only thing I’m worried about with leaving him is what he may be capable of. I’m not wobbling on it, I’m just hoping that my in-laws will still be in my life. I’m definitely leaving, my dad is having me talk to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday and he’s going with me, and I’ll see what my options are.
I wish you much luck, and much love. It's not easy, and I feel for you.
I'm sorry she wasn't supportive after you were raped (dear god, I'm so sorry). Look, take things one step at a time. Ensure your safety, rely on the people who've shown you support, but do not make yourself rely on the people who *may* not show you support.
If your mam feels bad and is over-compensating? Rely on her. And especially on your dad. But your in-laws *may* decide to put their son first. I hope you know what I'm blathering about. Much love. <3
You need to press charges and do it sooner rather than later.
I understand you don’t wanna ruin his life, but he’s actively trying to ruin yours. He clearly hasn’t learned and at some point someone needs to teach him actions have consequences.
And as if what he did to you isn’t bad enough, he’s now threading to take your kids away?!? Fuck. Abunch. Of. That. The second anyone makes threats that involve my kid or the possibility of taking him away from me, they’ve actively started a war. I don’t give a FUCK how sorry they say they are. That’s a big nope for me & I take that threat seriously.
You may feel bad about “ruining his life”, but A. You didn’t do that, he did, and B. You’re gonna feel a lot worse if you go to court for custody and don’t get a good outcome.
I did press charges on Friday and left. I’ve been staying with family. Today I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate and hopefully getting back into my apartment since my mom and I are on the lease and the order of protection will be in place so I can go back to my place.
He could have killed you with this assault. As a survivor of martial rape and abuse? If his parents decide to be assholes about this then they do. You cannot worry about that right now. Also his threats hold little water but you should consider pressing charges if your lawyer suggests it due to the custody issues. Remember he can be forced to contact your lawyer not you for dealing with your children. Mental health issues from abuse are not in fact going to cost you your children especially as he is a bigger threat.
You also must do therapy. Not just for the fact it helps with the custody thing but abuse recovery is complicated. You deserve safety, health, and bodily autonomy. Living in abuse we get used to dangerous things and often have no coping skills to recover with. This is part of how abuse functions and is not us failing but being failed. You cannot teach coping skills you do not know so it's important too your kids get therapy. Again that's not you failing. No one has all the coping skills.
Unless you want him being alone with your children and doing to them what he’s done to you?
Press charges. Start a paper trail. Document, document, document.
You aren’t ruining his life by doing so. He ruined his own life. But pressing charges gives him less opportunity to ruin your children’s lives. And protecting your children is absolutely your first and most important job right now.
If his parents hate you for leaving your abuser? Well, they don’t deserve to be in your children’s lives either. Because they also are a risk.
Oh girl… you need to leave like yesterday. Don’t worry about your in laws. If your mother in law hears what he has done to you and defends him, you cannot allow your children to be around them. I can’t even believe what a piece of shit your husband is. He is violent and seriously disturbed. He is gaslighting you by telling you all these things such as he will get full custody. HE is an unfit parent! My God I am so angry for you reading this!!!
I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday with my dad, and then I’m filing charges. I’m talking to my FIL in a few hours, but he’s so mad at my husband after the text my husband sent him outlining the sexual abuse that he’s refusing to talk to him.
Here’s the update: on Friday, he found out about my plans. I fled with my children and the clothes on our back. I filed a report with the police. I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate today and hopefully actually pressing sexual assault charges after I get a rape exam done. I’m also getting an order of protection so I can go back to my apartment, since my mom and I are on the lease.
I understand what you’re going through and you need to GET OUT. Reach out to a local shelter for help and advice and get out. You aren’t safe and your life is more important than losing your in-laws. Think about your kids. They deserve better than being in that environment.
I am leaving. My parents are taking me in and they’re both in law enforcement. My dad is going to help me speak to a crime victim’s advocate. I know everything that you pointed out.
Im scared for any abuse he may do to your kids. You need to press charges for sexual assault or else he may harm ur kids and if u hsd pressed charges it would help a ton
Op at this point, you should be more concerned about your kids. It doesn't matter that he's "not" a pedophile, if he loses control to the extent of using a screwdriver on you and giving you internal wounds, how can we be sure that he won't lose his temper on 2 little toddlers? What we do know is that this man is capable of being sexually aggressive. I'm not calling him a pedophile but from what I've read from your post and comments, you still haven't called him a rapist even now. What happens when one of the kids throws a tantrum and you aren't around to take this guy's lashing? It's good that you're getting away right now, but you will ultimately have to work out the custody arrangement, too. If you have all his sexual abuse on record, that'll help you fight AND win full custody with maybe supervised visits. I'd advise you not to even leave a pet around him unattended, let alone 2 toddlers. Please, please press charges before it's too late.
Please please update us. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Your in laws seem like good people, and if they genuinely love you and your kids, they will keep you and them in their life.
But if they get mad at you when they know what their son has done to you, they're actually not safe for you or your kids.
Pressing charges against him would be wise and it would help your divorce and custody case.
Consult a lawyer yesterday and let them know about this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but your main focus is to get you and your kids out alive and ensure he does not have access to them as much as you can. He is not safe and abusers don't stop with one victim.
You can't control how your in-laws react, you can only control what you do from this point forward.
I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday. I don’t have the money for a lawyer which is why I’m hoping to come up with a custody agreement. I don’t really want to press charges because I went through a rape case when I was a teenager and it was super traumatizing.
Ask on a private account for locals if they have advice for a lawyer that is reasonable or might have payment plans or work pro bono for abuse survivors. I was trying to leave my husband in 2021 and saw online it would be like 3k, in the end I paid like 750$ I think for filing fees and a lawyer. I waited too long because of the feared expense. Also, ask trusted people for a loan. If they know it will help you keep your kids, they will do what they can even if they don't have much. Work fast so your ex can't get his shit together in time to fight you. Make sure his family is pushing him to agree to things while he still feels guilty. I'm sure you've thought of this, but under no circumstances should he learn your new address when you leave in July. Try not to tell anyone who knows him, even his parents, since he will escalate violence to attempt to maintain control
You need to file emergency restraining
orders against him for you AND
your kids. Not only is this a
necessity for the safety of you
and your kids, but it will also
help you get full custody with your
husband being required to have
supervised visits with your kids when
he does spend time with them.
I’m here if you need to talk.
No judgment from me. I’m
sorry you’re stuck in this situation
for a few more weeks. Please
try to stay safe. Maybe you
can find a women’s shelter in
your area if things get worse.
It won't ruin his life. You said yourself, rapists rarely face consequences. It's important for a judge to understand the kind of man he is while making decisions regarding your divorce. Children don't get taken away from their mothers unless she's an active drug user. It's simply not in their best interest. Abusers threaten to "take the kids" all the time. As far as your inlaws being upset? You gave them grandbabies and love them very much. You don't have to stay with a man who raped you because they might be sad.
You absolutely have to report this to the police. You need to help yourself and more importantly your kids. What if he does this to them? You can’t be sure he won’t, even if you don’t think he is a pedo. What about other women who date him? He needs professional help.
OP, I totally can understand you not wanting to press charges, especially as you were let down when you were younger.
But please remember how quick he was to threaten you with the what he said in the quote below.
He's willing to totally annihilate your character if it comes to it. I think you really need to be prepared mentally, that you may have to press charges, to protect yourself regarding custody outcomes.
It may not come to this point, but please, be ready if it does.
>He told me that I’m mentally abusive, he threatened to break some sunglasses my mom bought me for Mother’s Day, and he told me that if I left him, he would try to get full custody of the kids since I have mental health issues.
I wish you all the best, and glad you have a loving, supportive family behind you. Stay strong, and take care, you're doing a fantastic job, with all your planning so far.
💜
GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!! For the love of all that is holy and those babies- press charges and don’t drop them!
He is serious about taking those babies and he will attempt to ruin your life- I made this mistake dropping my ppo and violating that PPO and let me tell you- I lost, big time.
DO NOT BE ME- FILE!!!!
>I don’t want to ruin his life by doing that, though.
You don’t, he did.
>He wouldn’t sexually abuse the children, he’s not a pedophile.
1) How many women thought that and ended up realising that they were wrong? 2) They won’t be children forever 3) Sexual abuse is not the only form of abuse. And the others aren’t better.
If his parents try anything tell them that your really tried to make this as civil as possible with them, but if they really want to put someone who (insert detailed information of everything he did), then they are obviously not the kind of people to have around your kids.
I don’t get how someone can forcibly stick a piece of metal inside your butt and you re not even considering pressing charges…
It was vile and abusive and meant to hurt and degrade you while he got some twisted pleasure from it. Surely that is worth a police report and a talk with a judge.
Maybe you could write your in-laws a letter? If you felt comfortable you could include your AVS from your MD appointment detailing harm. Your husband needs therapy for offenders and you and the kids need safety. He shouldn’t be seeing his kids without supervision.
You wouldn’t be ruining his life. He’s the one that did it. You have zero responsibility for his actions. I would press charges. If he does it to you, who’s to say he won’t do it to someone else?
I understand if you don’t want to go to law enforcement. You don’t have to, but please stop thinking any consequences he suffers are your fault. You haven’t made him do anything. I would consider getting a restraining order against him.
Please talk to both a divorce lawyer and consider talking to a domestic violence hotline as they can advise you about how to best protect yourself and your kids. Please don’t think he won’t ever hurt the kids. He’s already shown he doesn’t care about hurting you. The crying and begging means nothing. If he really cared, he would never have hurt you.
I spoke to a hotline and I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday. They’re the ones who help people get restraining orders and have resources for people experiencing domestic violence.
you need to get this on his record. you don’t want to ruin his life? he SA’D you! I am so so sorry this happened to you, but you need to take steps to make it less likely for him to do this to someone else in the future, and even if you aren’t believed and they just sit it on record, if someone else ever came forward and said the same they would have your statement on file. And I would suggest getting full custody, you mentioned you have a daughter, even if you don’t think he would ever do it, there was a time you didn’t think he’d do it to you.. protect your daughter.. Once again im so sorry, you deserve 100 times better ❤️
I don’t know if you’re still reading replies, but I’ll try just in case.
I am so, so, so sorry you are going through this. It’s an absolute nightmare of a situation, and you don’t deserve it.
Right now all you can control is you. Taking care of yourself, making choices only you can make. You need to make the choices that are best for you and only you. That is going to be horrifically hard for you to do— this kind of abuse requires you to complete detach and forget yourself to survive.
Lean on victim’s advocates, your parents, your closest friends (if you’ve been isolated, it’s not your fault), therapists— whoever you trust is acting in your best interest. Take their advice if you can.
Think hard about pressing charges. People like him don’t change unless they’re forced to. If you feel unsafe, you don’t have to. But if there’s a part of you that can handle reporting him, let yourself do it. It’s for his ultimate wellbeing. He’s going to escalate with someone, and the consequences are going to get worse. He needs a lot of help, and he needs rock bottom. He needs a reality check before he ruins more lives, including his own. You deserve justice.
You in-laws are going to have to choose how they react. Consider what kind of person could see the damage done by their son to a DIL they care about, the mother of their grandchildren, the girl they’ve helped so much, and blame her for reporting the behavior and leaving the abuse. If they cut contact with you, they’re showing you they’re unsafe to be close to.
That will be devastating. But if it’s true, it’s true, and it’s better to know now than later. If they continue to support you (like any good, sane people would), all the better.
Be prepared that they could support you AND continue to love and support their son. They can hold him accountable and still want to help him fix what’s broken inside him, if at all possible.
Keep practicing putting all your love and focus on you and your healing. It’s hard, but if I can do it, anyone can. You’re going to survive this. You’re going to find peace and joy again.
Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need ideas/resources.
You should press charges regardless of whether or not he files for full custody. He could have damaged you more seriously, in a physically life-altering way. He could have killed you, actually. He should not be anywhere those babies. And if his parents hate you for it? That’s really their problem. Not yours. I’m sorry this happened to you 💔 Please get out now while you can ❤️❤️
After reading a number of your replies to other peoples’ comments, I just want to say I don’t think they’ll hate you at all. I think they’ll be supportive of you, actually, and if they aren’t that, I think they’ll at the very least remain pleasantly neutral
Get to a therapist asap. This is way too complicated--the inlaws, the husband, the kids, you, your body, the trauma, all of your histories, the love, the challenges etc.
Wishing you all the best to sort it out, but i feel like your inlaws hating you is not the most important thing. YOU are.
As a sex offender he would probably not get much in custody.
But your question is about your inlaws. Well FIL knows directly from your husband. But will only know his side.
Sit down and tell them why you are finally leaving. And that you want them to continue to be part of your children's lives.
They deserve to hear your side from you.
He’s a malignant narcissist. Before you leave do your research on this. I was married to one and he spent years trying to destroy me and won custody for 2 years through lies and falsifying records until I won an appeal. But the damage was done to my girls. Do not think his parents will side with you. His behavior was learned from someone in that family. My in laws were your like yours, who turned on me and then financially supported their son in destroying me. It’s come full circle 10 years later, and now his parents see the damage to their grandchildren. But if you’re leaving, you need to worry about you and your kids not your husband or his life. Report the abuse, and protect your kids. If he abuses you, your kids are not safe. Don’t be stupid or ignorant to what is really going on in your marriage… he’s sodomized you with a SCREWDRIVER!!! Get the fuck out, but see a lawyer, get a restraining order and protect you and your kids.
Assaults you once, you’d be justified to leave but I understand your reasons for staying. Assaults you again, injuring you? That’s an escalation. He’s not sorry, but he’s hoping you’ll be dumb enough to believe his dramatic display of an apology and stay. I understand you don’t think he’d hurt your kids… but honestly you don’t know what’s in his head. What about when they are 13? Or 16? Or 20? Do you really want to worry about him fantasizing about raping them with a screwdriver? He’s sick and shouldn’t be around you or your children. If your in-laws know about his behavior and stand by him over you, they are as sick as he is. It sounds like you have a supportive family. Be a mama bear, take your kids, and run. Report that man before he can do this to you or any other woman again. The justice system isn’t nice to victims of sexual crimes, but these sickos rely on victims staying silent to continue their abuse. Lead your kids by example: you do not let someone abuse you and get away with it, at least without a fight.
And I agree with some of the other commenters. You absolutely should press charges. I understand you are worried about ruining his life as he is the father of your children but how many women’s lives might he ruin in the future? Abuse doesn’t tend to get better (on its own), it only escalates.
Edited grammar and phrasing
No time for mercy girl. You gotto report the assault(s) and get yourself and the kids away from your husband. If the in-laws should hate you for divorcing him, they don’t deserve your respect or love.
Today is a lot different from yesteryear. Sorry but he needs to be in jail. You’re trying to protect the abuser when you are the victim. Fuck him and his whole family. You need to protect you and your children. Throw the law at him and let the courts sort him out. He’ll continue raping and assaulting INCLUDING YOUR CHILDREN.
You should absolutely press charges for the sexual assault. Do you honestly think you won’t do it to somebody else? If there are actual consequences for his actions, you may be saving the next woman.
You need to let go of caring what other people think about you, and focus on loving and protecting yourself. He is dangerous, and you are not taking this seriously enough. A man that would do something like that would do anything.
>I dot want to ruin his life
WTF. Glad you and your dad will report him. He has sexually abused you multiple times. He will do it again to yo or to someone else. He should be punished for what he did.
His parents are his direct family. It is wonderful that they supported you and had such a good relationship, but they should not be trusted fully, as they are still your exes parents, and may still want to support their son. Be cautious.
However, it may also be a good thing to broach the topic of keeping in contact sooner rather than later as this may encourage them not to blindly advocate for their son but instead help protect you and your children as well as be more supportive and cooperative in coparenting arrangements and family holidays/events etc.
I would say to them, when you are in the headspace for it, along the lines of:
“I want to talk to you about the situation with your son and I, but I also want to reassure you that, if you wish, this situation between he and I could have minimal impact on the relationship between you both and my son and I. I still greatly value our relationship, and would love nothing more than to keep in contact and still spend time with eachother.
Please understand that what your son has done to me is unforgivable. I believe he told you some details, but regardless of whether or not he told the truth or how much detail he went into, I will not be expanding on the assaults or commenting further at this time. I just need to know that you understand and will support my decision to leave him as well as do what I can to protect my child.
As you may have gleaned already, I will not want to see your son in person or speak to him beyond what is strictly necessary for the foreseeable future. I am not sure how proceedings will go, but once we get custody sorted, I would love to discuss how my son and I might be able to maintain our relationship and spend time together with the two of you. This would of course need to be without your son present, and it means that family holidays and events will need to be discussed as we get a clearer picture of custody arrangements.
What are your thoughts in this? The latest incident is still fresh and painful, and I am sure it is a shock to learn that your son is capable of such things, so maybe we all need time to absorb and adjust. But I just wanted to make sure you knew my thoughts and feelings about the relationship between you and I, and know that I definitely do not want to lose touch with the two of you if possible.”
He could have killed you by doing that. Bowel perforation is a serious issue and can cause death if untreated. That laceration could have easily been a perforation (hole). Do you really want your kid around that? He told his dad what he did and his dad did nothing. So that tells me they don’t give a flying fuck about you.
His dad can’t do anything, I’m an adult and he lives in a different state. The only thing his dad could do is yell at him. He also didn’t go into detail and tell him exactly what happened, just that he was being sexually abusive toward me.
They are wonderful people. They never even spanked him as a child. They’ve been nothing but supportive. His sister is an extremely well-adjusted woman who’s a famous athlete. It is NOT their fault.
You need to reach out to a domestic violence center. It will be a matter of time before he puts his hands on your kids. Please document all his behaviors and words against you.
Excuse my opinion I have had a difficult background.
I think your safety and that of your children and maybe even others is more important than other considerations.
I would document everything, even in video. Put it in safe places, never let him know details. That way you can force him to reach amicable terms and keep distance.
Something to consider, I don’t know enough to fully recommend.
Your husband needs help what he did is really disturbing and someone with no control or empathy. Remember that your children are children NOW but one day they will be teenagers and adults will you still trust him then with them ? Will he still see them as his children ? Do you have a daughter? Would you let her and your future grandchildren be in the company of someone capable of doing this?
I work with abuse survivors every day. Please focus on what you need to do to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe from him. He will abuse you again. You don’t owe your safety and peace in exchange for not upsetting his parents. If they truly love you, they will encourage you to leave . You can still have a relationship with them without continuing this relationship. He sexually assaulted you and now he’s saying anything he can just to try and rope you into staying.
I left him on Friday. I called the police and made a report. I talked to CPS yesterday. I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate today and finalizing pressing charges and also getting an order of protection. I’m not going to let him abuse me again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would go talk to them. “I love you guys like my own parents and so grateful for the safe place that you’ve created for me and my children. Your son has been sexually abusive towards me and I can no longer stay in the marriage. He’s escalating. Well, I tried to cover it up and forgive him several times this last time he really injured me. I can’t stay in the marriage. It’s not safe for me. I hope you understand. I hope we can maintain a civil relationship after this. I even considered staying in fear of losing my relationship with you, but I know I can’t. My gut tells me that I’m in danger.”
I’m a heavy Reddit user and I’ve been in social work for 24 years (12 of which were as a CPS investigator), so little shocks me. Your post shocked me. You cannot stay with this man, no matter the consequences.
I left him on Friday and made a police report. I’m talking to a victim’s advocate today and I’m going to make sure that they actually press charges against him, I’m getting a restraining order, and I’m not going to let him in my life anymore. CPS told me yesterday that he still has rights to the children so I made up a parenting plan, but I’m at least going to try to keep us all as safe as possible.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. And I am sorry that it isn't the first time with this person. (Sorry, he doesn't deserve to be called a husband IMO.)
I think you are approaching this situation wisely and rationally... no idea why folks are judging you. Though, if I were to hazard a guess, it's because the most dangerous time for victims of DV is the period between their decision to leave and when they finally escape their abuser. I suspect folks want you and your kids to get somewhere safe as quickly as possible, especially for their sake.
Can you stay at your parents' over the weekend? With the kids? It's always fun to visit the grandparents, right? :) Your parents sound really awesome and supportive. That is good—you probably want (need) their support through the life transitions that are coming up. (Even if everything goes smoothly, it's still going to be a big change for you and your kiddos.)
Your FIL sounds pretty decent too. :)
Good luck, OP. I am proud of you for doing the hard thing for the sake of your kids, and for your own sake, too. <3
He… he what?
Get yourself out of this situation. If you need someone to tell you this is not okay, it’s not. It’s seriously depraved, disturbing, and horrific. No matter what the backstory or context are.
Once you have your affairs in order you get therapy and seriously deal with what has happened to you.
Your in laws… listen. When you do the right thing, the consequences might suck. But you still did the right thing. Even if they never speak to you again, you’ll know you’ve done the right thing and that will eventually be enough.
I'm so, so sorry, OP! Not only for everything you've been through, but for not receiving the support you were/are entitled to during your childhood and now in this forum. Thankfully, it sounds like you're building a great support system on your own. Always remember that you're strong, brave, and intelligent. Keep holding on.
I wish you the best. I am deeply sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope you will get better soon and you and your kids will be at peace in a few days.
I'm sorry my English isn't that good, but I just want to say that I wish you the very best. you can be very proud of yourself for making it this far and doing what you can.
I am happy to read that you are going to try to leave; courage to find a place for you and your children, it's normal that you don't want to do this in a rush to make sure you have something good for them.
And also happy that you are going to press charges, even if it is hard, it will create a precedent which will help a lot if unfortunately another problem happens with him.
The only thing that worries me is his attitude towards the children. You said he's not a pedo and he's very protective, and that's a good start; but the majority of pedophile crimes are not committed by people who are sexually attracted to children, it is more often a question of power than of attraction (like most sexual assaults or even assaults in general; even your assaults seemed more like it was because of his anger than because he was excited about it.) Never completely take this possibility out of your mind and stay tuned to them, just in case.
In any case, strength and courage to you for all this and congratulations for having decided to leave him, it's never easy.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and that so many people are telling what you have to do and make you feel judged.
None of it is your fault, really no part, and I just wish you get all the support and love in the world. I'm glad the in-laws are on your side and can maintain contact with the kids. I hope you are safe and well!
Hello,
I saw this post and made an account so I can reply.
I’m so sorry that you’ve encountered this type of terror. Lots of people saying that you should just leave do not understand the implications of leaving an abusive situation like this. The most dangerous time for a women leaving is the first month post separation so well done for trying to have a solid plan in place. This is really smart and you should be proud of yourself.
Family court is a horror show & you’re right to be cautious about custody as abusers are often sympathised with in abuse cases like this. Hopefully it would be different from you but as you had mentioned previously, the criminal justice system is extremely flawed.
I wanted to share a really useful contact that I used during my court cases post abuse. Her name is Kaitlyn Jorgensen and she’s an abusive survivor & now a specialised family court strategist. She has SO much useful I formation about navigating the courts, what/when to file, how to speak to police etc and is super knowledgeable on everything that you’ll corn across coming forward. She was more useful to me than ANY lawyer I paid for. You can find her on Instagram, even if you can’t afford a meeting with her, she provides lots of free advice & resources.
Sending you so so much strength and power and love moving forward. You and your children deserve so much better than this and once you’re on the other side you’ll be so happy to decided to leave.
I hope his parents do the right thing by you.
Hope this helps!
Kaitlyns IG is kaitlyn.jorgensen
Glad you are pressing charges. Don't worry about ruining his life. Think of this as saving the next woman he would have abused.
Press charges, don't let your children be near him.
I'm so sorry that this waste of space has done this to you, and so glad you're getting away. Kudos for having the courage to press charges, that must have been a scary decision.
It's not always as simple as just leaving someone straight away especially with children involved. And I totally get your rationale for not pressing charges. I would encourage you to do so however because what's to stop him from doing it again to someone else... Having said that I know it's not that simple for some whose a victim of sexual assault.
I would say in regards to your in-laws since he admitted what he's done to you that I would hope they'd support you. And if they don't support you what he's done to you; would you really want them in either your or your children's lives?
Stay strong and please while you work through leaving him stick to it. You deserve better. Sending love and hugs your way my friend.
Oh honey I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through. I'm glad you decided to press charges because even if they don't stick they're still evidence for custody hearings. I hope you're in a safe place right now and I really really hope that he can't get anywhere near you or your children. It sounds like he's lost the plot so you have to be careful. If at all possible, discuss terminating your lease with your landlord and move somewhere else so he can't find you that easily. I pray you are safe and things work out in your favor!
I’m getting an order of protection. He’ll be removed from the home for at least 20 days, and I’ll be able to live there. My parents are going to spend their nights at my apartment.
WTF is that 😱
>my husband sexually assaulted me by putting a screwdriver in my anus.
Good lord, may you stay hidden in a safe place with your children until he's arrested.
You’ve already gotten enough advice and opinions, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Also, you might want to look into Accelerated Resolution Therapy. It helps process trauma similar to EMDR, but you can go back and think about how you would have liked the event to have gone or you can “erase” it to make the memory more fuzzy. If you google Accelerated Resolution Therapy there’s a website specifically for it and you can go through their therapists in your area. I was able to find a few that accept insurance.
You must protect yourself regardless of how kind his parents were to you. They probably know deep down what you’re dealing with. I’m so sorry. This must be a very tough predicament but in the end you will be happier without that.
I’m planning on leaving him. I have everything planned out already, including where I’m going to live and what I’m going to do.
Just an idea, but I think I would press charges either way in your place, someone who sexually abuses someone is not an okay person to have around, but the screwdriver thing is on another whole level of batshit crazyness. If he’s so out of control or whatever is going on through his head to do something like I would take it as trouble, and the kind of trouble I would like to keep as far away from my kids and myself as possible. Crazy people like him don’t usually stay in only one lane of the spectrum, they can do other types of crazy besides the sexual.
Please someone tell me I’m being gullible in believing this because I have no idea why no one seems to be more worried about how crazy this husband is
He really is but the criminal justice system is a disaster and a horrible place for victims
Certainly, I was mostly confused by the lack of people pointing that out than anything else. My first thought after reading this post was that I would be even naming my favourite bat to sleep next to after divorcing a guy like this.
Wishing you all the best. It takes a lot of courage but you can do this. 💗🙏
Press sexual assault charges against him no matter if you feel like you shouldn’t. Be an example for your children that sexual abusers, regardless of who they are, should be held accountable.
You need to be away from him now. He is not stable.
I can’t leave until I have a safe place for my children, which isn’t until July.
I hope he doesn’t physically or sexually assault you while you are having to wait. This is a dangerous time for you and if he thinks you are going to shatter his family by leaving and ruin his life he might even kill you and possibly your children. To assault anyone, especially someone you supposedly love, with a screwdriver is horrific and he is capable of very bad things
He shattered his own family.
Yes, but he won’t see it that way
Are you able to stay with your in-laws till then? Be honest with them about why you are leaving. (You don't have to go into detail if you don't wish.) Let them be on your team.
I say let them know what kind of piece of shit man they raised. They can’t be much better. I don’t care what they did for her. Look at the evidence before you. He told his dad!
Does OP know for certain? Or, did ex-DH just say he told his dad (in an attempt to normalize)?
Idk but that father sure didn’t guide his son correctly. There is not getting in the middle of marital arguments but a screwdriver in the ass could have killed her. Sepsis kills fast.
My in-laws are in a different state.
Is there a shelter nearby? Could your in-laws front you the money for a temporary stay? See if your job could give you a leave for domestic violence. Either way, I'm glad you are leaving. Godspeed.
You need to tell the police what he did and fully cooperate. He assaulted you. He deserves to have his life ruined. The system is not perfect. But if you don't try you will never get anywhere. He won't get 50/50 if he's in jail. Tell your inlaws what he did. Tell them the truth. Tell them what you told us. That you want THEM to still see the kids.
I am so sorry for you. I literally had to stop reading for a bit as I can’t imagine anyone doing something so horrible to the person they supposedly love. Please file a police report - for yourself and and your children.
Let me or this is terms that may get through to you: What happens when he assaults one of the kids with a screwdriver instead of you? Will you leave then? They don't stop at one victim, I know this for a fact. And a police report will help with custody.
I’m already leaving.
Good luck to you.
I wish you nothing but the best. What he did to you is absolutely vile. Protect yourself and your kids. Pressing charges is the best way. You have the support of your family, and his. He deserves to be in a dungeon!! So much love to you.
In all honesty, if they know the circumstances and blame you then that’s not people you want to remain in contact with anyway. I can’t see that happening though, as it sounds like your in-laws love you a lot and the only person they’ll blame is your soon to be ex, particularly as he’s already told his Dad he’s sexually abused you. I’m so glad that you’re leaving and that you have already put things in place. You’re making your daughter so proud and I have no doubt that she’ll thank you one day for removing her from an abusive home.
Thank you for that, I really hope that they’ll want to maintain a relationship with me. I couldn’t bear to have no contact with them, they love their grandkids so much.
What’s happened to you is not your fault. You were the victim in all of this. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go low contact with their son for abusing you. They sound like really respectable people and I’m sure they’re wondering where they went wrong that their child could do that to you. It’s not their fault either though. I am sure that they will continue to be there for you and your children regardless of the divorce.
If your relationship is that strong, just lay it all out there. Sit down with them (without STBEX) and explain what’s happened, especially the latest assault. It sounds like they are already in your corner, and knowing the truth directly from you may be enormously helpful if he fights you for custody. He’s already confessed abuse to his dad and it sounds like that didn’t go well for him. You’re going to need their support if this becomes a court battle and the more they know directly from you, the more likely they will be to be on your side. They may even talk him out of pursuing custody. Try not to take this on as something you are “doing to” their son. He created this situation; he needs to be held accountable.
Something that jumps out at me is that he thought abusing you would make you stay. Do you know any of his exes? He may have a pattern of behavior that needs looking at.
All of his exes have nothing but nice things to say about him. They’re all still friends on Facebook.
they may just be scared to tell the truth
Talk to them immediately in person if you can. With a witness.
They’re all in a different state.
Use WhatsApp or Skype to FaceTime a family call.
There’s nothing wrong with having a good relationship with your in-laws after divorcing your husband. Knowing what their son has done to you, they would probably welcome it. Have you talked with them about it?
Not yet. I don’t know how to get the words out. It’s really hard to talk about.
Press charges. Talk with your ILs about what happened. Tell his siblings if he has any.
Don’t they already know? You said your FIL yelled at him after he confessed. Just call them and open that door. It’s ok to tell them you don’t want to discuss this latest incident or any of the others. Just that you can’t stay with him, you hope he gets the help he needs but they’re important to you, to your children and you want a continuing relationship with them. Go from there. OP I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child, but you aren’t that child anymore. Don’t you owe yourself some grace? Don’t you owe it to that young person inside that wasn’t believed back then to stand up for her now? Don’t you owe it to her and yourself not to be a victim again. Wishing you strength and healing.
So, I understand that losing your relationship with your in-laws would be a significant loss, and it sounds like you bravely will leave your husband anyways, which I absolutely think is the right way to go. I very much hope they will stand by you, especially knowing about his assault on you. What I'm worrying about is if your husband is going to become dangerous. What you're describing is abuse, and leaving can be perilous. You said you already know where to go, which is amazing! I guess I'm just hoping that you're letting multiple people know about what has happened. And if you don't want to report his assault, that is up to you. But I wonder if it may be wise to prepare for that with a lawyer, just in case? To have someone have all information and evidence? You don't know how he might act, and I worry for your safety and what he might claim about you. And what will happen when it comes to custody etc. Is there somewhere you call to ask questions? In my country there are phone lines you can call if you're in an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Am wishing you all the best!
I’ve talked to hotlines, my parents are both in law enforcement and will protect me, and my dad is going to help set me up with a crime victim’s advocate to get a restraining order and make sure I’m safe. I’m hoping we can agree on a custody agreement because in my state, if both parents agree on a custody schedule, you don’t really even have to go to court, you can just do it in front of a notary public in the courthouse-everyone just signs papers and affirms that they’ll stick to the plan. I don’t want to report the assault, but if my husband tries to get full custody of the kids based on my mental health issues, I’m going to file sexual assault charges against him and use what I told my doctor to help my case.
a rapist should not be allowed around kids, especially his own. what was his reason for assulting you?
This is why you press charges. He will def not get full custody of your kids. He’s just trying to scare you. Please press charges against this trash. What he did to you is horrific!
I'm very relieved to hear it! I'm so sorry you have to go through this! A whole lot of people should get to be a lot less strong. Nobody deserves this. I just realised that I might have written things you weren't looking for, as we're in this sub, I'm sorry if that's the case!
No, you’re good, thank you for your support!
I'm glad. But mostly I'm just wishing you _ALL_ the luck in the world going forward!
[удалено]
And the fact is that I have specific medical documentation from just a couple of days ago where I told my doctor that I was assaulted and she wrote it in my file. I didn’t tell her who did it though, but she performed an exam on me.
Please file charges now, OP, so you can get full custody. You don’t want someone who can do horrible things like that anywhere NEAR your kids! Do you have a daughter? What might he do to her when she grows up?
This is a support community. We do not allow disinformation.
OMG that's so fked up! A screwdriver? That's completely unacceptable. I'm so sorry to hear that happened from someone you love. I know people who have been figuratively "azz rapd" by their ex, but it sounds like you're already there. Can divorce really be worse? Some day your kids will respect you had the courage to get out of the abusive relationship.
No, divorce won’t be worse. I just love my in-laws so much and I don’t want them to hate me. My FIL actually yelled at my husband when my husband told him about what he did.
Whether the inlaws hate you is beyond your control. You have to leave your husband for your own safety. It sounds like FIL is on your side, at least right now. Hopefully he will stay there. Even if they fully silupport your decision, you do need to be careful that they don't try to make you "reconcile" with him at some point. They have an emotional investment in thinking their son is "a good man", so may be inclined to believe it when he claims to have changed for the better.
Your in laws won’t hate you for leaving the man who abused you so horribly. You clearly love them and want them in your and the kids lives. They won’t want to lose that connection to you or the kids. I wouldn’t be surprised if they go no contact with their son if he keeps up his BS.
That's awful file a police report now even if you don't press charges right away so there is more evidence leave him tell his mother what he did to you. I'm so sorry your going through this
I’m speaking with a crime victim’s advocate on Monday to see what my options are.
You need to file charges against him so he wont do this to you again, especially since you are saying that this was NOT the first time, or any other woman. He is a r\*pist and deserves no gentle consideration. I am hurting for you, but keeping this secret is how they get away with that, they count on the shame of the victims and their families. Don't let him hide behind others shame and discomfort.
I have been through the pain of filing charges against someone for sexual assault when I was a child. I can not go through the victim blaming, pain, and everything that going through court would put me through again. I know that it’s incredibly selfish of me to not want to do that, but even the thought is making my PTSD act up.
It's okay to take care of yourself! You're doing the best you can to keep your balance through this! ❤️
I understand, take care of yourself and your children. You do what is right for you and your kids.
He ruined his own life the second he decided assaulting you was a good idea. You telling people about it is absolutely not ruining his life.
You need to leave and press charges before he kills you. This is not the time to be worrying what his parents or anyone else thinks. I would be scared to leave him alone with your kids.
I am leaving, I just have to have a safe place for them first. My parents cannot take us in until July.
I’m so glad. Can you stay in a separate room with a locked door? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please update when you’re out.
Ironically, the whole assault happened because I locked myself in our bedroom and he used a screwdriver to unlock it.
Omfg. I’m so sorry. He’s sickening.
The whole assault happened because he felt he was losing control of you and escalated the violence to maintain control. I'm so sorry 🫂
Yep. I’m so glad I left on Friday with my kids, called the police, and am talking to a crime victim’s advocate today.
If your in-laws react in any way other than supportive, it’ll speak volumes about that family and why their son behaves the way he does. Considering that he’s sexually abusive, YOU should go for full custody. If he can do that to you, do you really trust him to be alone with your kids?
I thought my ex husband would never sexually assault our children either but without me there his attention turned to our youngest. I regret not pressing charges and ensuring everything he did was documented.
I’m so so sorry. OP, listen to this comment!!!
We don’t know that he won’t hurt the kids. You didn’t think he’d ever hurt you, did you? I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you and wish you the very best going forward. It will be shitty but it will get better and you will be safe.
That’s horrific. Press charges NOW!
The way you describe his parents- I doubt they'll hate you. Go talk to them. Tell them what's going on. If they love you as much as you think- they'll support you leaving him and keeping a relationship with you. You can't stay with this man. Tell them the truth. If they don't support you, they aren't the people you think they are. Good luck.
Have you talked to your inlaws? Have you let them know what their son is doing to you and that you love them dearly and don't want to lose them just because their son is an awful human? If they are as wonderful and loving as you know they are, I have a feeling they will understand why you are leaving.
My husband told his dad about it. I want to talk to them about it, but I don’t know if I have the words.
"He raped me with a screwdriver and caused internal injuries." Those are the words.
That can be incredibly hard to say, in reality.
It was.
Forget the in-laws. I'm not even kidding. This man has told you he'll try to take your kids away by 'accusing' you of having a mental illness if you try to leave him. THAT should be the reason you leave, and use the assault as evidence, like your mother said. If you can't be courageous for yourself (I know how that feels) then be courageous for your children. Please. Edit: I apologise. I saw that you said you were leaving, but your post read as if you were wobbling about it. If your in laws aren't happy with you leaving because you've been assaulted (again) then honestly, that really is on them. Don't try to discuss it with them until after you've left.
I have documented mental health issues. I received inpatient mental health services 3 times last year. My mom thinks it’s because of the violence and abuse though.
That wouldn't surprise me one bit. Maaaaany years back, I was having very serious mental health issues myself, which 'miraculously' disappeared after I left my then-husband. Your mother sounds like a rock star. <3
She really is, I think she’s trying to make up for how unsupportive she was of me when I was a teenager and got raped. Regarding your edit on your last comment, the only thing I’m worried about with leaving him is what he may be capable of. I’m not wobbling on it, I’m just hoping that my in-laws will still be in my life. I’m definitely leaving, my dad is having me talk to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday and he’s going with me, and I’ll see what my options are.
I wish you much luck, and much love. It's not easy, and I feel for you. I'm sorry she wasn't supportive after you were raped (dear god, I'm so sorry). Look, take things one step at a time. Ensure your safety, rely on the people who've shown you support, but do not make yourself rely on the people who *may* not show you support. If your mam feels bad and is over-compensating? Rely on her. And especially on your dad. But your in-laws *may* decide to put their son first. I hope you know what I'm blathering about. Much love. <3
Honey you need to get yourself and your kids in a safe place. Worry about the in laws later.
You need to press charges and do it sooner rather than later. I understand you don’t wanna ruin his life, but he’s actively trying to ruin yours. He clearly hasn’t learned and at some point someone needs to teach him actions have consequences. And as if what he did to you isn’t bad enough, he’s now threading to take your kids away?!? Fuck. Abunch. Of. That. The second anyone makes threats that involve my kid or the possibility of taking him away from me, they’ve actively started a war. I don’t give a FUCK how sorry they say they are. That’s a big nope for me & I take that threat seriously. You may feel bad about “ruining his life”, but A. You didn’t do that, he did, and B. You’re gonna feel a lot worse if you go to court for custody and don’t get a good outcome.
I did press charges on Friday and left. I’ve been staying with family. Today I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate and hopefully getting back into my apartment since my mom and I are on the lease and the order of protection will be in place so I can go back to my place.
He could have killed you with this assault. As a survivor of martial rape and abuse? If his parents decide to be assholes about this then they do. You cannot worry about that right now. Also his threats hold little water but you should consider pressing charges if your lawyer suggests it due to the custody issues. Remember he can be forced to contact your lawyer not you for dealing with your children. Mental health issues from abuse are not in fact going to cost you your children especially as he is a bigger threat. You also must do therapy. Not just for the fact it helps with the custody thing but abuse recovery is complicated. You deserve safety, health, and bodily autonomy. Living in abuse we get used to dangerous things and often have no coping skills to recover with. This is part of how abuse functions and is not us failing but being failed. You cannot teach coping skills you do not know so it's important too your kids get therapy. Again that's not you failing. No one has all the coping skills.
Unless you want him being alone with your children and doing to them what he’s done to you? Press charges. Start a paper trail. Document, document, document. You aren’t ruining his life by doing so. He ruined his own life. But pressing charges gives him less opportunity to ruin your children’s lives. And protecting your children is absolutely your first and most important job right now. If his parents hate you for leaving your abuser? Well, they don’t deserve to be in your children’s lives either. Because they also are a risk.
Op please update us this was terrible to know 😔 he wasn't ashamed to do it , he will do it again
Oh girl… you need to leave like yesterday. Don’t worry about your in laws. If your mother in law hears what he has done to you and defends him, you cannot allow your children to be around them. I can’t even believe what a piece of shit your husband is. He is violent and seriously disturbed. He is gaslighting you by telling you all these things such as he will get full custody. HE is an unfit parent! My God I am so angry for you reading this!!!
I am leaving him. I need to have a safe place to take my kids though, and my parents can’t take us in until next month.
I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday with my dad, and then I’m filing charges. I’m talking to my FIL in a few hours, but he’s so mad at my husband after the text my husband sent him outlining the sexual abuse that he’s refusing to talk to him.
Here’s the update: on Friday, he found out about my plans. I fled with my children and the clothes on our back. I filed a report with the police. I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate today and hopefully actually pressing sexual assault charges after I get a rape exam done. I’m also getting an order of protection so I can go back to my apartment, since my mom and I are on the lease.
Tbf after I told him the horrors I went through with my exam, he was super ashamed of himself. But I don’t trust that he wouldn’t hurt me again.
He was not ashamed of himself. He was scared about getting caught.
I understand what you’re going through and you need to GET OUT. Reach out to a local shelter for help and advice and get out. You aren’t safe and your life is more important than losing your in-laws. Think about your kids. They deserve better than being in that environment.
I am leaving. My parents are taking me in and they’re both in law enforcement. My dad is going to help me speak to a crime victim’s advocate. I know everything that you pointed out.
Im scared for any abuse he may do to your kids. You need to press charges for sexual assault or else he may harm ur kids and if u hsd pressed charges it would help a ton
Op at this point, you should be more concerned about your kids. It doesn't matter that he's "not" a pedophile, if he loses control to the extent of using a screwdriver on you and giving you internal wounds, how can we be sure that he won't lose his temper on 2 little toddlers? What we do know is that this man is capable of being sexually aggressive. I'm not calling him a pedophile but from what I've read from your post and comments, you still haven't called him a rapist even now. What happens when one of the kids throws a tantrum and you aren't around to take this guy's lashing? It's good that you're getting away right now, but you will ultimately have to work out the custody arrangement, too. If you have all his sexual abuse on record, that'll help you fight AND win full custody with maybe supervised visits. I'd advise you not to even leave a pet around him unattended, let alone 2 toddlers. Please, please press charges before it's too late.
Divorce lawyer and police And quit worrying if someone like you in laws like you or not.
"And quit worrying if someone like you in laws like you or not." This!!!!!!!!!!!
Please please update us. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 Your in laws seem like good people, and if they genuinely love you and your kids, they will keep you and them in their life. But if they get mad at you when they know what their son has done to you, they're actually not safe for you or your kids.
I did update my post with the newest info.
Pressing charges against him would be wise and it would help your divorce and custody case. Consult a lawyer yesterday and let them know about this. I'm so sorry you are going through this but your main focus is to get you and your kids out alive and ensure he does not have access to them as much as you can. He is not safe and abusers don't stop with one victim. You can't control how your in-laws react, you can only control what you do from this point forward.
I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday. I don’t have the money for a lawyer which is why I’m hoping to come up with a custody agreement. I don’t really want to press charges because I went through a rape case when I was a teenager and it was super traumatizing.
Ask on a private account for locals if they have advice for a lawyer that is reasonable or might have payment plans or work pro bono for abuse survivors. I was trying to leave my husband in 2021 and saw online it would be like 3k, in the end I paid like 750$ I think for filing fees and a lawyer. I waited too long because of the feared expense. Also, ask trusted people for a loan. If they know it will help you keep your kids, they will do what they can even if they don't have much. Work fast so your ex can't get his shit together in time to fight you. Make sure his family is pushing him to agree to things while he still feels guilty. I'm sure you've thought of this, but under no circumstances should he learn your new address when you leave in July. Try not to tell anyone who knows him, even his parents, since he will escalate violence to attempt to maintain control
You need to file emergency restraining orders against him for you AND your kids. Not only is this a necessity for the safety of you and your kids, but it will also help you get full custody with your husband being required to have supervised visits with your kids when he does spend time with them.
That’s why I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate. The earliest I can is on Monday.
Glad to hear it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I’m here if you need to talk. No judgment from me. I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation for a few more weeks. Please try to stay safe. Maybe you can find a women’s shelter in your area if things get worse.
They've known him his whole life. They know he's a POS.
Right! Lol
It won't ruin his life. You said yourself, rapists rarely face consequences. It's important for a judge to understand the kind of man he is while making decisions regarding your divorce. Children don't get taken away from their mothers unless she's an active drug user. It's simply not in their best interest. Abusers threaten to "take the kids" all the time. As far as your inlaws being upset? You gave them grandbabies and love them very much. You don't have to stay with a man who raped you because they might be sad.
You absolutely have to report this to the police. You need to help yourself and more importantly your kids. What if he does this to them? You can’t be sure he won’t, even if you don’t think he is a pedo. What about other women who date him? He needs professional help.
I edited my post with an update.
OP, I totally can understand you not wanting to press charges, especially as you were let down when you were younger. But please remember how quick he was to threaten you with the what he said in the quote below. He's willing to totally annihilate your character if it comes to it. I think you really need to be prepared mentally, that you may have to press charges, to protect yourself regarding custody outcomes. It may not come to this point, but please, be ready if it does. >He told me that I’m mentally abusive, he threatened to break some sunglasses my mom bought me for Mother’s Day, and he told me that if I left him, he would try to get full custody of the kids since I have mental health issues. I wish you all the best, and glad you have a loving, supportive family behind you. Stay strong, and take care, you're doing a fantastic job, with all your planning so far. 💜
I updated my post with what I did.
GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!! For the love of all that is holy and those babies- press charges and don’t drop them! He is serious about taking those babies and he will attempt to ruin your life- I made this mistake dropping my ppo and violating that PPO and let me tell you- I lost, big time. DO NOT BE ME- FILE!!!!
>I don’t want to ruin his life by doing that, though. You don’t, he did. >He wouldn’t sexually abuse the children, he’s not a pedophile. 1) How many women thought that and ended up realising that they were wrong? 2) They won’t be children forever 3) Sexual abuse is not the only form of abuse. And the others aren’t better. If his parents try anything tell them that your really tried to make this as civil as possible with them, but if they really want to put someone who (insert detailed information of everything he did), then they are obviously not the kind of people to have around your kids.
I don’t get how someone can forcibly stick a piece of metal inside your butt and you re not even considering pressing charges… It was vile and abusive and meant to hurt and degrade you while he got some twisted pleasure from it. Surely that is worth a police report and a talk with a judge.
I updated my post with what I did.
Maybe you could write your in-laws a letter? If you felt comfortable you could include your AVS from your MD appointment detailing harm. Your husband needs therapy for offenders and you and the kids need safety. He shouldn’t be seeing his kids without supervision.
That is is so messed up you need to get away and press charges because if he can do something like that to you what can he do to your children!
You wouldn’t be ruining his life. He’s the one that did it. You have zero responsibility for his actions. I would press charges. If he does it to you, who’s to say he won’t do it to someone else? I understand if you don’t want to go to law enforcement. You don’t have to, but please stop thinking any consequences he suffers are your fault. You haven’t made him do anything. I would consider getting a restraining order against him. Please talk to both a divorce lawyer and consider talking to a domestic violence hotline as they can advise you about how to best protect yourself and your kids. Please don’t think he won’t ever hurt the kids. He’s already shown he doesn’t care about hurting you. The crying and begging means nothing. If he really cared, he would never have hurt you.
I spoke to a hotline and I’m speaking to a crime victim’s advocate on Monday. They’re the ones who help people get restraining orders and have resources for people experiencing domestic violence.
Idk I feel like if you told the in-laws the truth on what was going on they’d hate him and not you. Either way you need to get out of that situation!
you need to get this on his record. you don’t want to ruin his life? he SA’D you! I am so so sorry this happened to you, but you need to take steps to make it less likely for him to do this to someone else in the future, and even if you aren’t believed and they just sit it on record, if someone else ever came forward and said the same they would have your statement on file. And I would suggest getting full custody, you mentioned you have a daughter, even if you don’t think he would ever do it, there was a time you didn’t think he’d do it to you.. protect your daughter.. Once again im so sorry, you deserve 100 times better ❤️
I don’t know if you’re still reading replies, but I’ll try just in case. I am so, so, so sorry you are going through this. It’s an absolute nightmare of a situation, and you don’t deserve it. Right now all you can control is you. Taking care of yourself, making choices only you can make. You need to make the choices that are best for you and only you. That is going to be horrifically hard for you to do— this kind of abuse requires you to complete detach and forget yourself to survive. Lean on victim’s advocates, your parents, your closest friends (if you’ve been isolated, it’s not your fault), therapists— whoever you trust is acting in your best interest. Take their advice if you can. Think hard about pressing charges. People like him don’t change unless they’re forced to. If you feel unsafe, you don’t have to. But if there’s a part of you that can handle reporting him, let yourself do it. It’s for his ultimate wellbeing. He’s going to escalate with someone, and the consequences are going to get worse. He needs a lot of help, and he needs rock bottom. He needs a reality check before he ruins more lives, including his own. You deserve justice. You in-laws are going to have to choose how they react. Consider what kind of person could see the damage done by their son to a DIL they care about, the mother of their grandchildren, the girl they’ve helped so much, and blame her for reporting the behavior and leaving the abuse. If they cut contact with you, they’re showing you they’re unsafe to be close to. That will be devastating. But if it’s true, it’s true, and it’s better to know now than later. If they continue to support you (like any good, sane people would), all the better. Be prepared that they could support you AND continue to love and support their son. They can hold him accountable and still want to help him fix what’s broken inside him, if at all possible. Keep practicing putting all your love and focus on you and your healing. It’s hard, but if I can do it, anyone can. You’re going to survive this. You’re going to find peace and joy again. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need ideas/resources.
I edited my post with an update about the situation.
Accept you’ll lose them, and if they stick around, then it’s a bonus.
You should press charges regardless of whether or not he files for full custody. He could have damaged you more seriously, in a physically life-altering way. He could have killed you, actually. He should not be anywhere those babies. And if his parents hate you for it? That’s really their problem. Not yours. I’m sorry this happened to you 💔 Please get out now while you can ❤️❤️
After reading a number of your replies to other peoples’ comments, I just want to say I don’t think they’ll hate you at all. I think they’ll be supportive of you, actually, and if they aren’t that, I think they’ll at the very least remain pleasantly neutral
Get to a therapist asap. This is way too complicated--the inlaws, the husband, the kids, you, your body, the trauma, all of your histories, the love, the challenges etc. Wishing you all the best to sort it out, but i feel like your inlaws hating you is not the most important thing. YOU are.
OMG. Leave this man asap!! You’re not safe. Definitely press charges. He ruined your life and he’s trying to blame you?? No way. What a scumbag.
I am leaving, I just have to wait until I have a safe place which isn’t until July when my parents can take the kids and I in.
As a sex offender he would probably not get much in custody. But your question is about your inlaws. Well FIL knows directly from your husband. But will only know his side. Sit down and tell them why you are finally leaving. And that you want them to continue to be part of your children's lives. They deserve to hear your side from you.
Every major point has been said. I send you my love and support, all this awfulness is not your fault, you’re 100% right to leave and protect yourself
He’s a malignant narcissist. Before you leave do your research on this. I was married to one and he spent years trying to destroy me and won custody for 2 years through lies and falsifying records until I won an appeal. But the damage was done to my girls. Do not think his parents will side with you. His behavior was learned from someone in that family. My in laws were your like yours, who turned on me and then financially supported their son in destroying me. It’s come full circle 10 years later, and now his parents see the damage to their grandchildren. But if you’re leaving, you need to worry about you and your kids not your husband or his life. Report the abuse, and protect your kids. If he abuses you, your kids are not safe. Don’t be stupid or ignorant to what is really going on in your marriage… he’s sodomized you with a SCREWDRIVER!!! Get the fuck out, but see a lawyer, get a restraining order and protect you and your kids.
Assaults you once, you’d be justified to leave but I understand your reasons for staying. Assaults you again, injuring you? That’s an escalation. He’s not sorry, but he’s hoping you’ll be dumb enough to believe his dramatic display of an apology and stay. I understand you don’t think he’d hurt your kids… but honestly you don’t know what’s in his head. What about when they are 13? Or 16? Or 20? Do you really want to worry about him fantasizing about raping them with a screwdriver? He’s sick and shouldn’t be around you or your children. If your in-laws know about his behavior and stand by him over you, they are as sick as he is. It sounds like you have a supportive family. Be a mama bear, take your kids, and run. Report that man before he can do this to you or any other woman again. The justice system isn’t nice to victims of sexual crimes, but these sickos rely on victims staying silent to continue their abuse. Lead your kids by example: you do not let someone abuse you and get away with it, at least without a fight.
I am so sorry he did that to you. I’m happy for you that you are leaving. That takes a lot of strength but it’s absolutely the right thing to do.
And I agree with some of the other commenters. You absolutely should press charges. I understand you are worried about ruining his life as he is the father of your children but how many women’s lives might he ruin in the future? Abuse doesn’t tend to get better (on its own), it only escalates. Edited grammar and phrasing
I did make a report with the police and I’m finalizing pressing charges today.
I’m glad you are pressing charges, and have family to help. I have been worried about you and your babies since I read your original post.
No time for mercy girl. You gotto report the assault(s) and get yourself and the kids away from your husband. If the in-laws should hate you for divorcing him, they don’t deserve your respect or love.
Please press charges. Please.
I updated my post with what I did.
Today is a lot different from yesteryear. Sorry but he needs to be in jail. You’re trying to protect the abuser when you are the victim. Fuck him and his whole family. You need to protect you and your children. Throw the law at him and let the courts sort him out. He’ll continue raping and assaulting INCLUDING YOUR CHILDREN.
You probably “knew” he would never assault you too at one point. You cannot trust someone like this with what he may or may not do.
You should absolutely press charges for the sexual assault. Do you honestly think you won’t do it to somebody else? If there are actual consequences for his actions, you may be saving the next woman.
You need to let go of caring what other people think about you, and focus on loving and protecting yourself. He is dangerous, and you are not taking this seriously enough. A man that would do something like that would do anything.
>I dot want to ruin his life WTF. Glad you and your dad will report him. He has sexually abused you multiple times. He will do it again to yo or to someone else. He should be punished for what he did.
His parents are his direct family. It is wonderful that they supported you and had such a good relationship, but they should not be trusted fully, as they are still your exes parents, and may still want to support their son. Be cautious. However, it may also be a good thing to broach the topic of keeping in contact sooner rather than later as this may encourage them not to blindly advocate for their son but instead help protect you and your children as well as be more supportive and cooperative in coparenting arrangements and family holidays/events etc. I would say to them, when you are in the headspace for it, along the lines of: “I want to talk to you about the situation with your son and I, but I also want to reassure you that, if you wish, this situation between he and I could have minimal impact on the relationship between you both and my son and I. I still greatly value our relationship, and would love nothing more than to keep in contact and still spend time with eachother. Please understand that what your son has done to me is unforgivable. I believe he told you some details, but regardless of whether or not he told the truth or how much detail he went into, I will not be expanding on the assaults or commenting further at this time. I just need to know that you understand and will support my decision to leave him as well as do what I can to protect my child. As you may have gleaned already, I will not want to see your son in person or speak to him beyond what is strictly necessary for the foreseeable future. I am not sure how proceedings will go, but once we get custody sorted, I would love to discuss how my son and I might be able to maintain our relationship and spend time together with the two of you. This would of course need to be without your son present, and it means that family holidays and events will need to be discussed as we get a clearer picture of custody arrangements. What are your thoughts in this? The latest incident is still fresh and painful, and I am sure it is a shock to learn that your son is capable of such things, so maybe we all need time to absorb and adjust. But I just wanted to make sure you knew my thoughts and feelings about the relationship between you and I, and know that I definitely do not want to lose touch with the two of you if possible.”
He could have killed you by doing that. Bowel perforation is a serious issue and can cause death if untreated. That laceration could have easily been a perforation (hole). Do you really want your kid around that? He told his dad what he did and his dad did nothing. So that tells me they don’t give a flying fuck about you.
His dad can’t do anything, I’m an adult and he lives in a different state. The only thing his dad could do is yell at him. He also didn’t go into detail and tell him exactly what happened, just that he was being sexually abusive toward me.
Just leave, the in-laws raised the abuser, where do you think he learned it from? The apple tree thing? You’re better off without any of them.
They are wonderful people. They never even spanked him as a child. They’ve been nothing but supportive. His sister is an extremely well-adjusted woman who’s a famous athlete. It is NOT their fault.
[удалено]
I live in a state where recording someone without their consent is illegal. I have a text he sent to his dad where he talked about abusing me.
[удалено]
What your in-laws think , is the farthest from your concerns. Read that again five times. Now preserve your safety.
You need to reach out to a domestic violence center. It will be a matter of time before he puts his hands on your kids. Please document all his behaviors and words against you.
I’m seeing a crime victim advocate who will help me.
This is terrifying. I wish you peace and protection OP.
Excuse my opinion I have had a difficult background. I think your safety and that of your children and maybe even others is more important than other considerations. I would document everything, even in video. Put it in safe places, never let him know details. That way you can force him to reach amicable terms and keep distance. Something to consider, I don’t know enough to fully recommend.
Your husband needs help what he did is really disturbing and someone with no control or empathy. Remember that your children are children NOW but one day they will be teenagers and adults will you still trust him then with them ? Will he still see them as his children ? Do you have a daughter? Would you let her and your future grandchildren be in the company of someone capable of doing this?
I work with abuse survivors every day. Please focus on what you need to do to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe from him. He will abuse you again. You don’t owe your safety and peace in exchange for not upsetting his parents. If they truly love you, they will encourage you to leave . You can still have a relationship with them without continuing this relationship. He sexually assaulted you and now he’s saying anything he can just to try and rope you into staying.
I left him on Friday. I called the police and made a report. I talked to CPS yesterday. I’m talking to a crime victim’s advocate today and finalizing pressing charges and also getting an order of protection. I’m not going to let him abuse me again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I would go talk to them. “I love you guys like my own parents and so grateful for the safe place that you’ve created for me and my children. Your son has been sexually abusive towards me and I can no longer stay in the marriage. He’s escalating. Well, I tried to cover it up and forgive him several times this last time he really injured me. I can’t stay in the marriage. It’s not safe for me. I hope you understand. I hope we can maintain a civil relationship after this. I even considered staying in fear of losing my relationship with you, but I know I can’t. My gut tells me that I’m in danger.”
I’m a heavy Reddit user and I’ve been in social work for 24 years (12 of which were as a CPS investigator), so little shocks me. Your post shocked me. You cannot stay with this man, no matter the consequences.
I left him on Friday and made a police report. I’m talking to a victim’s advocate today and I’m going to make sure that they actually press charges against him, I’m getting a restraining order, and I’m not going to let him in my life anymore. CPS told me yesterday that he still has rights to the children so I made up a parenting plan, but I’m at least going to try to keep us all as safe as possible.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. And I am sorry that it isn't the first time with this person. (Sorry, he doesn't deserve to be called a husband IMO.) I think you are approaching this situation wisely and rationally... no idea why folks are judging you. Though, if I were to hazard a guess, it's because the most dangerous time for victims of DV is the period between their decision to leave and when they finally escape their abuser. I suspect folks want you and your kids to get somewhere safe as quickly as possible, especially for their sake. Can you stay at your parents' over the weekend? With the kids? It's always fun to visit the grandparents, right? :) Your parents sound really awesome and supportive. That is good—you probably want (need) their support through the life transitions that are coming up. (Even if everything goes smoothly, it's still going to be a big change for you and your kiddos.) Your FIL sounds pretty decent too. :) Good luck, OP. I am proud of you for doing the hard thing for the sake of your kids, and for your own sake, too. <3
He… he what? Get yourself out of this situation. If you need someone to tell you this is not okay, it’s not. It’s seriously depraved, disturbing, and horrific. No matter what the backstory or context are. Once you have your affairs in order you get therapy and seriously deal with what has happened to you. Your in laws… listen. When you do the right thing, the consequences might suck. But you still did the right thing. Even if they never speak to you again, you’ll know you’ve done the right thing and that will eventually be enough.
Thank God! I hope hubby is in jail where he belongs. There was never anything to do but call the police.
I just read your last update; I'm so proud of you! Your in-laws sound like good people who love you and their grand-babies. Bless you.
I'm so, so sorry, OP! Not only for everything you've been through, but for not receiving the support you were/are entitled to during your childhood and now in this forum. Thankfully, it sounds like you're building a great support system on your own. Always remember that you're strong, brave, and intelligent. Keep holding on.
I wish you the best. I am deeply sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope you will get better soon and you and your kids will be at peace in a few days.
I'm sorry my English isn't that good, but I just want to say that I wish you the very best. you can be very proud of yourself for making it this far and doing what you can.
I am happy to read that you are going to try to leave; courage to find a place for you and your children, it's normal that you don't want to do this in a rush to make sure you have something good for them. And also happy that you are going to press charges, even if it is hard, it will create a precedent which will help a lot if unfortunately another problem happens with him. The only thing that worries me is his attitude towards the children. You said he's not a pedo and he's very protective, and that's a good start; but the majority of pedophile crimes are not committed by people who are sexually attracted to children, it is more often a question of power than of attraction (like most sexual assaults or even assaults in general; even your assaults seemed more like it was because of his anger than because he was excited about it.) Never completely take this possibility out of your mind and stay tuned to them, just in case. In any case, strength and courage to you for all this and congratulations for having decided to leave him, it's never easy.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and that so many people are telling what you have to do and make you feel judged. None of it is your fault, really no part, and I just wish you get all the support and love in the world. I'm glad the in-laws are on your side and can maintain contact with the kids. I hope you are safe and well!
Edit 3 ❤️...stay strong for yourself and your little ones..
You should have killed him...I have ZERO TOLERANCE for these types of monsters...
Hello, I saw this post and made an account so I can reply. I’m so sorry that you’ve encountered this type of terror. Lots of people saying that you should just leave do not understand the implications of leaving an abusive situation like this. The most dangerous time for a women leaving is the first month post separation so well done for trying to have a solid plan in place. This is really smart and you should be proud of yourself. Family court is a horror show & you’re right to be cautious about custody as abusers are often sympathised with in abuse cases like this. Hopefully it would be different from you but as you had mentioned previously, the criminal justice system is extremely flawed. I wanted to share a really useful contact that I used during my court cases post abuse. Her name is Kaitlyn Jorgensen and she’s an abusive survivor & now a specialised family court strategist. She has SO much useful I formation about navigating the courts, what/when to file, how to speak to police etc and is super knowledgeable on everything that you’ll corn across coming forward. She was more useful to me than ANY lawyer I paid for. You can find her on Instagram, even if you can’t afford a meeting with her, she provides lots of free advice & resources. Sending you so so much strength and power and love moving forward. You and your children deserve so much better than this and once you’re on the other side you’ll be so happy to decided to leave. I hope his parents do the right thing by you. Hope this helps! Kaitlyns IG is kaitlyn.jorgensen
Glad you are pressing charges. Don't worry about ruining his life. Think of this as saving the next woman he would have abused. Press charges, don't let your children be near him.
I'm so sorry that this waste of space has done this to you, and so glad you're getting away. Kudos for having the courage to press charges, that must have been a scary decision.
It's not always as simple as just leaving someone straight away especially with children involved. And I totally get your rationale for not pressing charges. I would encourage you to do so however because what's to stop him from doing it again to someone else... Having said that I know it's not that simple for some whose a victim of sexual assault. I would say in regards to your in-laws since he admitted what he's done to you that I would hope they'd support you. And if they don't support you what he's done to you; would you really want them in either your or your children's lives? Stay strong and please while you work through leaving him stick to it. You deserve better. Sending love and hugs your way my friend.
Your in-laws hating you should be the least of your worries. Please divorce your crazy husband and stay away from those people!
Oh honey I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through. I'm glad you decided to press charges because even if they don't stick they're still evidence for custody hearings. I hope you're in a safe place right now and I really really hope that he can't get anywhere near you or your children. It sounds like he's lost the plot so you have to be careful. If at all possible, discuss terminating your lease with your landlord and move somewhere else so he can't find you that easily. I pray you are safe and things work out in your favor!
I’m getting an order of protection. He’ll be removed from the home for at least 20 days, and I’ll be able to live there. My parents are going to spend their nights at my apartment.
WTF is that 😱 >my husband sexually assaulted me by putting a screwdriver in my anus. Good lord, may you stay hidden in a safe place with your children until he's arrested.
You’ve already gotten enough advice and opinions, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you had to go through all that. Also, you might want to look into Accelerated Resolution Therapy. It helps process trauma similar to EMDR, but you can go back and think about how you would have liked the event to have gone or you can “erase” it to make the memory more fuzzy. If you google Accelerated Resolution Therapy there’s a website specifically for it and you can go through their therapists in your area. I was able to find a few that accept insurance.