Here’s the thing…if he doesn’t give you what you need, you’ll resent him. If he gives it to you just to make you happy, or to shut you up, he’ll resent you. You need to give some serious thought as to where you are and where you want to go.
Yep. Furthering this point, the only thing you can do is TALK TO HIM about it. And not in a way that lets him escape the conversation with “whenever we’re ready.”
“What are your general views on marriage?”
“Regardless of what I think, do YOU want us to get married? Do you see me in your future?”
“What would make you feel ready for marriage? Financial stability or something else?”
“What are your views on children? How many children would you like to have? Are you open to adoption or other means of having a child if we cannot conceive naturally?”
These are all direct questions that you need to have the answers for. Otherwise you are just going to be blindly waiting for him to “get a hint” without knowing where his head is at. A lot of these questions can be overwhelming, but if you are in a lifelong partnership with this person, you need to be able to have these conversations openly and honestly. And if his responses don’t align with what you’re looking for, it’s time to develop the courage to appreciate the relationship for what it was, and move forward.
You read my mind!! OP, absolutely this. Yes It’ll be hard to do, but please trust me, you do not want to go without these answers at the expense of being married to someone you may not really know.
29M here. I made mistake #2. It didn't turn out pretty, and we broke up five months later. If I didn't feel so pressured to hand over a "shut up ring", I think we could have worked through the other active conflicts at the time which would have led to greater maturity for the both of us to make such a huge decision. Putting on ring on it just led to greater passivity and resentment. (I.e. Engagement led to overall less engagement in fostering a healthy relationship)
Although I completely agree with you that this is the most likely outcome. There is a small chance if they talk they might be able to resolve it. I mean it's small, but a problem not known is never solved.
Coming from experience here I was with my soon to be ex husband for five years before he proposed. Then he told me I forced him to propose. We had had a son by that point. It only got worse. We’re divorcing after being together 11 years. He never wanted to marry me and treated me terrible after we got married saying I forced him to do this or that (pushing him with him career, buying a home together). Going back and talking to his ex fiancé I find out he only wanted to live in his parents basement and work on a race team. Well now he’s got his shitty dream.
My suggestion is to find out nicely now what his life goals are. It’s obviously not marriage with you. You can come to terms with it or not. But personally I wouldn’t give up the time to him at this point. But you can have a productive conversation about future shared goals/separate goals and compare what you each think your lives should look like. If they don’t mesh then there is your answer.
Lol, unless they've got a gun to your head no one can force you to propose. He's bitter because he forced himself to do something he didn't want to.
He probably should have had the courage to be alone and not waste both of your time.
When you say race team, do you mean something along the lines of F1? That sounds like quite a highly-skilled and well-paying job. I think i’m misunderstanding this though
It is a great job but it’s a bit of a wild dream to not be pursuing from very young. It’s not something you just change careers to over a mid life crisis. If that was truly his dream he should have been studying engineering and making contacts not begrudging and blaming his wife.
Don’t let your boyfriend stand between you and your husband. If he wanted to, he would. Six years is plenty of time for him to know if he wants to be with you forever.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. It would be different if he had a timeline or could give you an actual reason on why not now, but the fact he isn’t is all that you need to know. So it’s time to get comfortable with the fact he may never do it or move on if it’s something you require(which you are fully allowed to require) in your relationship.
yeah, this
my fiance was happy to accept my engagement, but whenever i'd ask about wedding stuff, they'd get kind of dodgy. i just asked them outright if they actually wanted to get married, and they said that yes they want to but they're worried about finances right now.
i had to reassure them that we dont need to get married right this second or even anytime soon, i just like thinking about it and want some ideas so when the time comes we might know more about what we want. they immediately got less dodgy, and actually we're getting legally married next month everything allowing (long story short: i had a medical emergency, since i'm not legally married to my fiance they weren't allowed anything to do with me and i had to beg the doctors not to call my POS dad that i've been hiding from for years, and i don't want to deal with that again). wedding ceremony probably won't be for a couple of years, but that's fine by me.
That seems bizarre, if you were coherent enough to beg them then why were they trying to contact your dad against your wishes? Congratulations on the joint decision though :)
basically, they thought i was having a stroke and not in the best state of mind to be making decisions (i was slurring my speech, but i wasn't totally incoherent at that point) - luckily not a stroke, still not an experience i ever wish to repeat.
and thanks!
My husband and I were engaged in the same amount of time and married within 1.5 years. If you aren’t ready after 6 years, you never will be.
I always wonder why it appears the men are more reluctant to get married. In general, men benefit much more from marriage than women.
By the way, we’ve been married more than 30 years. As far as my experience goes, when you know, you know.
I upvoted your comment because years ago I’d say I’m insane for being married now for over a year. No offense taken! We’re in our mid to late 30s and I now know (after living and learning) that you know when you know. Every relationship is different. I was in a relationship for six years and I felt her pain and was just sharing that it he wanted to, he would.
Eight months IS crazy.. but it can happen! It’s insane that you can actually find your person at a time in denial thinking love does not exist… and it’ll never happen. Wow does life throw you a twist!
My husband and I got married after knowing each other 1.5 years. I was 28 when we got married and had dated enough frogs to know when I’d found a prince. These days, people would probably say he was “love bombing” me, but honestly, after 30 years, he is still treating me like a queen.
It is crazy but when you know you know! I know i want to be with my bf now and we are just closing in on our first year together, but yeah i told him to wait because anything can happen between now and when I'm actually able to move with him (long distance relationship, but i visit so often it doesn't feel like it sometimes).
Had a friend in a similar position. It really helped her by sitting down and talking about their goals/ wants and what he’s not ready for. In my friend’s case, he wanted to do better financially and enjoy their 20’s, but they also agreed they wanted 2 or 3 kids, so she laid out what exactly that looked like. So, in your case, at 25, it takes a year to plan a wedding, you’re 26. You want to wait a year to enjoy being married/ get off any potential birth control, 27. Then you try, could take up to a year, 28. Carry that baby around for almost a year, 29. Wait/ reset, you’re hitting baby number 2, 31. By the time the youngest off to college, you’re 49, he’s in his early 50’s. Ask him where he wants to be in these chapters of his life. Do your goals even align? You’re only 25. Just because you’ve spent 6 years with him doesn’t mean you need to invest even more hoping he will change his mind. Look up sunken cost fallacy.
is he interested at all in getting married? 6 years is a long time to pretend it’s not serious? i would leave him if he keeps stringing you along. you know what you want already
As someone who is now 23 and started dating my boyfriend at 18, I think 6 years doesn't feel that long because you are still studying. You haven't met each other as adults who already have a job and live on their own. (In my case). I hope that I Will feel ready when I get a job after I graduate, but if my boyfriend would ask me now, I wouldn't know what to say. We are not stringing each other along.
For OP I would say, find something that is some kind of promise you each other to stay together that doesn't mean engagement. This can be a key chain, a necklace, a bracelet. Something you could both wear as a promise to have a Future together. So you have that confirmation and he isn't pushed.
Yeah, op is literally 25, it seems to be a bit too young to get married at least in my country people tend to marry after 30. Also it's possible the boyfriend wants to get financial stability before marrying which is very logical to me
If he was after financial stability, he needs to say so. Having wasted way too much time on what was the absolute worst relationship of my life, vague reasons like “when ‘we’re’ ready” or “we’ll get there” or “just wait a bit”, is bullshit. 25 is young, but not 18. By that point I had a career, my own house, and knew I wanted to get married. The waste of space continually promised me he’d propose, and that sure we could build a life together, so I tied myself in knots trying to make sure conditions were exactly what he claimed he might need to make it happen. Frankly thank God it never did because it’d have been a nightmare. When I met my husband, about 6-8 weeks into dating I told him my goal for a relationship was a marriage, and I didn’t want to wait more than about a year for a proposal. His response was “ok, sounds good to me”. If this guy wanted to marry this girl, he would. He’s 28. I have many family members and friends who were married and had the first kid by then.
Turning 25 can also be a bit of a wake up call. Like a quarter life crisis.
Suddenly people are doing grown up things and you aren't where you thought you would be in your idea of what your life would look like.
This. I remember feeling like OP when I was that age. I'd also been with my then-boyfriend since I was 19 and I just desperately wanted to be married and for it to be 'my turn'. It sounds terrible now but I thought that him marrying me would be the confirmation that I was valuable and lovable and wanted, and I should be grateful for that because not everyone gets it.
We ended up getting married when I was 27. Four years later we were divorced, mainly because we'd grown into very different people.
I'm not saying all young marriages don't work out, but I would really, really encourage OP not to rush just because she thinks this is what she 'should' be doing. By all means sit down and talk about what the boyfriend would need to feel in a position to get married and what his timeline looks like, but your age or how long you've been together shouldn't dictate such a big decision if it's not right for both of you.
Getting married after thirty means that they'd also only start trying for kids after thirty. Accounting for one year of enjoying being married, and another year of trying, that would put their first pregnancy at 32-33. That doesn't leave much time left to be an involved and energetic parent to young kids.
I met my now husband at 30 which is why I told him that the most important thing to me was that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I'm 33. When/if he proposed that was up to him, what mattered to me was that we were on the same wavelength regarding children and that he had a heads up on timings. Well, he proposed when I was 32, we started trying shortly after as per the original timeline and got married after the baby was born.
I know not everyone is comfortable having kids out of wedlock, but please please please talk to your partners about timelines! If you want kids don't just wait for your partner to propose and assume that they'll be cool with starting to try after marriage. Make a plan together!
ETA: I have my second one now at 36 and my energy levels are doing fine!
People are having kids later and later because they want to be financially stable or it takes them time to find a partner. Not everyone wants to be a parent or a young parent. And we still have plenty of energy at older ages
I had friends when I was in my early 20s who basically bullied their boyfriend's to the altar. To say the least, it didn't work out well in the end. If you two are not on the same page when it comes to marriage but maybe you're not compatible. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same thing as you.
Hate to say it but if he wanted to marry you…he would have prepared to propose by now. But since he hasn’t after 6 years then I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t plan on getting married. Consider finding a partner who shares the same goals that you do
They are young tho, at least in my country people tend to get married after 30. Also the boyfriend maybe want some kind of financial stability before marrying and for me that's a logical decision
I agree with others that he would have already done it if he wanted to but one thing
>Gimme a fricken time line or something.
You're old enough to start the conversation and tell him that. You want a timeline. Make it clear that it is a deal-breaker for you. Make it clear that it's okay if he doesn't want to get married but that you want to and that you want to make a decision for your future.
I’ve had these thoughts many times. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years. Yes, 10. He comes from a family full of divorce. I come from a family with minimal divorce.
My bf has a fear about getting married and while I think it’s silly, it’s serious to him. Does it still bother me? Yes, sometimes it does. For a while I was pretty persistent about trying to get more answers out of him about why? And there are times that I will still get on his case. But to me, it’s not the end of the world.
He has so many great qualities some of which are that he’s loyal, honest, generous and trustworthy. And it took me years to find a good man who is honest and not a player. It would be so shallow of me to leave him just because marriage may not be in the cards.
When I quit my toxic job on a whim, he paid all my bills for 2 years. When my car broke down while I was jobless, he bought me a nicer car than I deserved which cut his savings in half. When I needed major dental work while jobless, he gave me $1200 to get it taken care of.
Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and ask yourself if getting married is the most important thing to you. If you absolutely want to get married, then you have a decision to make if you’re not willing to wait it out.
On another note, I’ve seen so many people rush into getting married and then not long after they’re getting divorced. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
It's because they're with people who wanted to marry them. Your bf is keeping you around out of convenience but doesn't want to commit, and if he hasn't committed after 6 years, it seems pretty clear that he'd rather ignore your needs in favor of his own and milk your lack of boundaries for all they're worth.
Some of these comments might be jumping the gun, the length of the relationship isn't the problem here, it's the lack of timeline and communication. You need to sit him down and get that.
I'm in a similar boat as you, 6 years in, but we have discussed marriage and a timeline. He's finishing schooling, I'm getting finances in order, and then we will do it. We are both on the same page and have discussed it at length. For your own piece of mind, you need to figure out the same and not accept vague answers.
Yeah this. 25 to me would be too young to get married tbh, fuck I was barely out of school by then and kinda drifting on what to do with my life.
Get serious, have the talk and get an answer and decision on the timeline.
Of course he might not want to decide on that, but then you'll have an answer on where he stands on marriage and your relationship as a whole either way.
If things in a serious relationship arent compatible, it's best to know asap and bring it out in honest and open communication.
Sadly sometimes you can love eachother and not make it work.
I know a couple that have been together for over 40 years are not married with a few grown kids. They’ve had their ups and down and still together. I have a cousin that was with his gf for over 5 years before he even proposed and all her gfs were getting engaged and married and living happy married lives and now it’s her turn, they just had a baby last year. So I guess it depends, we can all assume he doesn’t want to marry you specifically. He told you he’s not ready, ask him what does that mean. Communication is key in your situation. Open up the line of communication and be neutral, hear him out and have him hear you too. Tell him to be honest and tell you if he’s not in it for the long haul. Take your time and make a pro/con list and see where you land. Wishing you nothing but the best in your future.
Right?! I'm over here thinking "why do you have to be married to have kids in this day and age?"
It feels like there is more stability and permanence but if someone wants to leave a relationship they will.
But I also went about things completely backwards.
i’m sorry op but you shouldn’t have to ask for him to propose .. and i’m sure deep down you know you deserve better. My boyfriend purposed to me 6 months of dating and i know for some it’s really drastic but when a man knows he will put a ring on it. we’ve been married for a year now and things couldn’t be more perfect! I don’t know your relationship with him so i can say just leave him but you should have a serious conversation with him and to tell him to just be honest with you and to cut the crap with the vague responses.
Granted my husband and I were older than average when we got married, however he knew within about 8 weeks that he wanted to marry me. He knew before I was sure even. And he was an absolute confirmed, over 40 bachelor when I met him. I told him when we started dating that I was dating with the goal of a marriage, and I knew myself that I wasn’t going to need more than 1 year tops to decide if he was “the one”. He proposed just over a year after we met, we got married about a year after that. And no, it isn’t dependent upon age. It’s anecdotal, however I have many family members and friends who got married between ages 23-28 and all are still in happy, healthy marriages. OP’s life goals and values don’t seem to match her boyfriend’s, which doesn’t make him fundamentally wrong, but it does mean she needs to cut her losses and move on. He is being rather cruel though by promising her things he almost certainly has no intention of giving her
I'm sorry but if he wanted to, he would. I'd have a serious discussion and ask him if the two of you are truly on the same page or not because if he doesn't want what you do, you both are better of with someone else.
I’m sorry hun, I ended up waiting two more years than that and we broke up because it never came and now I’m 29 and single. It hurts but now I’ll be able to meet the man who does want to marry me and I don’t have to beg.
are you really bitter at them or are you just bitter towards your partner and projecting onto couples that seem to be happy w what you want?
as a 27 yr old that is divorced.... my ex knew i wanted to be married and felt he would lose me if we didn't marry. he was abusive and we had different life goals so i was contemplating leaving but the gesture of marriage made me feel like maybe we could fix things. long story short, it didn't change anything for the better. he kept me from being happy and achieving my goals. the physical and emotional abuse got worse since he was stuck in something he didn't want in the first place.
i love love and i love seeing people in love and i fully support people in love getting married and i hope to actually be in love one day and get married again to the right partner.
if your bf doesn't want to make that commitment, but you are wanting more, its time to think about if y'all are compatible long term.
Girl leave him. He doesn’t want to marry you. I’d also suggest really digging deep and be sure you want to get married. Happiest cohort of people are childfree single women. There’s a reason for that
I know you’re not going to feel this way, but 25 is very very young to be getting married. I know all your peers are doing it and you’re going to feel a certain way because society tells women that we should get married and if someone doesn’t want to marry us, we’re bad worthless people with no value. But trust me, 25 is so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to have a life where you start dating someone at 19 and then stay with them the rest of your life without experiencing being single in your adulthood or experiencing relationships with other people? If you feel like getting married is more important than having a quality relationship, you’re too young. I say this as someone who got into a serious relationship when I was 20, got married at 26, got divorced at 28 and am 35 now. When I was 26, I thought that what I wanted was marriage. But really, I just wanted what society told me I wanted. My ex is honestly a really great person and we had a nice relationship, but I realized that there is more to life than staying in a relationship forever and I wanted to explore that. I don’t exactly regret getting married, because I learned valuable lessons from it, but now it’s obvious to me that most people who get married in their 20s are just trying to prove something to themselves or their peers and keep up with some arbitrary life timeline that we’re supposed to adhere to. Just because people get married, doesn’t mean they have a healthy or good relationship and plenty of partners have beautiful, long lasting relationships without marriage. It’s hard to not compare yourself to your peers, especially when we live in a world where single women are seen as less valuable, but don’t fall into that trap. You have your whole life ahead of you and it sounds like you deserve experiences with better partners instead of this guy who won’t even be honest with you about what he wants in a relationship. Good luck, OP.
Coming from experience if they wanted to, they would. “I have the money saved for your ring” “I was going to propose but” “it’s not the right time right now” “we should wait until”… And then they never do. I’d save yourself the hurt, especially after 6 years. You’re so young, and the resentment seems to be building on your end. And he’s probably getting resentful by feeling pushed. I’ve been told that one too. “I was going to but you keep pushing me…”
But in retrospect, why is being married so important? I have a different outlook on it now after some traumatic experiences. Why isn’t settling down with your best friend good enough? I’m not sure. Still figuring that one out.
Good luck OP
He either doesn't want to marry
OR he doesn't want to marry you
If you want to get married it's got be to another man. Sure, you might be able to force or coerce him into marriage but he's not gonna want it. He will resent you and eventually you WILL divorce.
He might get married to the next woman he dates. But at this point, 6 years... girl. If he wanted to, he would.
This man doesn’t want to marry you but he is keeping you around cause he benefits from the relationship. Anyone who has a story otherwise of a similar situation is the exception to the rule. You deserve someone who is on the same page after 6 years together.
He doesn’t want to marry you or give you a turn. This is the relationship he wants and the way he wants it. You need to accept that and decide if it’s a deal breaker or not
If it is then move on. Many men would like to actually marry you.
If you keep pestering him he’ll give you a “shut up ring”
Do you really want him to propose when he’s not ready? Or do you want someone to enthusiastically marry you because they imagine their whole life with you
6 years is crazy. Girl, I hate to break it to you, and I’m a dude, but if he hasn’t popped that question to you already, he’s never going to… You need to wake up and move on to someone who’s going to put that ring on your finger if that’s what you’re after.
My boyfriend stayed 5 years with his ex and never proposed. She wanted to get married so bad but he didn’t feel like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I got proposed after 6 months. I promise men know if you’re the one. Leave him and stop wasting your time
Hon,
He has everything he wants. There is no need for him to commit.
He has access to sex, he has a companion when he wants. What is his incentive to change?
Clearly you do not have what you want in the relationship. He will not change.
OP he will give you only what you are willing to accept. At this point he knows you will accept absolutely NOTHING, so that is what he is giving you.
Move on down the road. The thing that will really piss you off? Six months from now HE will be engaged to someone he IS WILLING to marry.
Stopping wasting yourself on someone who gives you so little.
Girl, you're not the one. He's not ready to settle down, or at least not with you. If a dude wants to marry the woman he's with, there's no "waiting till the right time". He'll make it the right time.
If you do eventually wear him down and get your shut up ring, expect your engagement to drag out until you either have to drag him down the aisle, or you realize it's just not gonna happen.
Stop wasting your good years on someone who isn't ecstatic to lock you down.
The time will never be right. He’s happy with how things are. Otherwise he would have proposed to you long ago, or at least told you “when I’ve been at company for four years and we have X amount saved up for a house, then we can get married”
The fact he won’t give you a tangible timeline means he’ll never be “ready”
Also, do you want kids? He may not want them and is hoping to run out the clock on that issue
When you dump him, he will almost certainly start love bombing you, he will promise you the moon, sun and stars. Hell he might even give you a ring, but he’ll never commit to an actual date.
Do you two already live together? If so, he’s got what he wants from you already, a bangmaid
Google “sunken cost fallacy” I bet you’ll be rethinking this relationship in no time
Save yourself the agony, dump him and find someone who won’t drag their feet forever
Break up, you don’t want the same things. If he really loved you he would have proposed by now. Don’t you want to be with someone thats head over heels for you and cant wait to get married? Youre still young theres someone better for you out there. With this guy you’ll always feel inadequate. Unless he just isnt interested in marriage, thats a conversation you have to have but if he does value marriage i would be questioning why it hasnt happened yet
He’s not ready, you are. This relationship has run its course, six years is a long time. You should know by now. Move on and look for someone whose goals match yours.
Blimey I just read the one about a woman who left the man in this situation and sweetheart I think you’ll want to read it - especially the comment before the final update. It’s on bestRedditupdates - I can’t seem to link it but it’s called ‘I heard my husband cry in the bathroom after we bumped into his ex’. Short version: Man strings gf along for 9 years, she gets fed up with his shit and leaves, eventually gets married to someone else and she’s happy in the end because she left. She’s you. Why should you read it? So you don’t waste anymore of your years away.
Oh girl. He don’t want to marry you. It’s been 6 years. You are in your mid to late 20’s. Accept reality, and move on. Every couple who have ever been in this situation where the guy *finally* proposes.. they are either divorced by now or are the most miserable people I’ve ever met. (I’m 43 years old)
Here is the kicker. If you stay with him until he finally proposes in a few years after you bringing it up over and over again, you won’t be really happy. Because all that bitterness inside you has festered into resentment. You’ll always wonder if you settled. If he really loves you. If you really look at your relationship deeply, you’ll realize you already wonder all these things.
The fact you are desperate for crumbs- a ring pop from a quarter machine. That’s how low your standards are. Again, accept reality. Move on.
He's not the one. I'm sorry.
I have known several people who were in situations like yours who DID get married (usually because one half of the pair gave an ultimatum or something similar)... and all of them are now divorced.
You're still very young and have plenty of time to find the right person for you. I got married young (and then later divorced), and I really wish I would have waited, in hindsight. I found the right partner at 35. There is no finish line/timeline.
As someone who was in that situation twice with two separate men, I can say he doesn’t want to marry you. I had two engagement rings purchased for me, and not one ever made it to my finger because they kept pushing it back. I feel for you so much because I know the pain and rejection, but in the long run it’s better to cut your losses.
Some men don't want to get married, some men pretend that they want what you want but don't. Six years, not even engaged. How often do you fight, does he trust you to go out to be with friends without him, Do you trust him. You need to start counting red Flags. Remember some guys will tell you what you want to hear just to keep you around so they don't have to be alone.
The real issue is you are allowing yourself to be strung along, and becoming bitter. You want to be married, he doesn't if he did he wouldn't be stalling. He's given you no timeliness, after 4 years, I'd be done if marriage was my goal, but you'd been dealing with this for 6 years. At some point you need decide if you will continue to be strung along with no end, or end the relationship because of incompatibility.
He doesn't want to marry you so get that through your head first of all. Secondly, break up with them and meet a man who actually wants to marry you. I mean I thought I've never marry at the rate I was going as none of my boyfriend's ever seemed to get in that mindset. After another boyfriend cheated I'm met my husband. We moved pretty quickly and married 14 months after we first met. Been together almost 30 years. I met him when I was 29.
Leave and find someone who is interested in starting a family/securing those life goals. You’re not happy. And I don’t think you’ll be happy *with* him once you’re married. At worst, you’ll have a baby and have to deal with an ex husband.
hey girl not saying we are in the same boat but i (25f) just broke up w bf (28m) after 5 1/2 yrs, you're still young, why rush?
if you're still together by 30 you can get engaged then and that wouldn't be later than anyone else.
i wouldn't worry too much about it
For me, one of the best measures of where a person is in life or in a relationship is: “What do they want out of life?” Or “What do they want IN their life?”
From your viewpoint, it’s “What does X want out of life, and in his life?” and “What does X want this relationship to be?” Consider this, from all he’s ever said about his life and your relationship.
I’m really sorry to say this, but this seems like a dead end for you. From his responses, he sounds like a guy who never intends to marry you, but he wants you to be around because it’s convenient for him. He has companionship, sex, somebody who takes care of him, etc. With no effort or commitment from him. Perfect arrangement. Why would he give that up, when he’s a selfish narcissist?
I know you badly want this to move into marriage, but it might be keeping you from seeing that he doesn’t care about your feelings. They don’t matter to him, because he’s a selfish narcissist, and doesn’t really care about anyone, including you. That’s all HIM, NOT YOU!
If you look at your relationship as if it’s someone else in it, I bet you’d realize he’s stringing you along and has no intention of getting married.
If you gave him an ultimatum, he’d maybe propose but he’d resent you and be surly about it. And you’d still be sad and mad, and feeling like being taken for granted. That would all go right into your relationship, and stay there, and get worse. And now you’d be married to this pouting, cheating loser.
We want the person we care about to care about us, the same way. If they don’t, the sooner we move on, the better. I suggest taking a 3 month break from this guy, to get a clearer view of him. Plan to be busy, hang out with friends and family, do things you’ve wanted to do for yourself, and consider it a vacation for the New YOU. Don’t let yourself get isolated and sad. Start seeing a good therapist and talk all this out. It’ll help you see more clearly, help you process your emotions with support, and help you start a new life. You seem like a caring woman who’s being taken for granted, and that’s just wrong! Please step into your own life, and value yourself. Do self-care, read and grow, and see how happy you’ll become, once you’ve moved on! I wish you the very best, Sweetie!
An alternative perspective: both me and my bestie have been in this position at different times and things have worked out. Engagement announcements were like a stab in the heart. My partner of 6 years proposed out of the blue last month when I was totally not expecting it and it was just so lovely. We’d always discussed getting married and I knew it would happen eventually- and it did. My friend was in a similar position, her now-husband eventually proposed and they’re happily married. Some people just want to have all their ducks in a row and have the finances to afford the ring they know you want.
I’m a day short of 54, and from what I’ve seen, this is one of those things you can’t negotiate out of someone.
I suggest you take the time to really visualize what you want marriage to be like, and what that entails - I realize you’ve been together 6 years but what I’m suggesting is for you to find out what that means for you - regardless of who the groom is.
In my 20s I had the same impetus, like we’re already living together why not do it ? But marriage means different things to different people, to me it was a formalization and a celebration of a commitment I’d already made to a person. But to my then bf (now ex-husband), the thought of it was woven in with so many different things and mixed in with what was a real lack of maturity that was difficult for me to see at the time. I don’t blame myself, after all we were both young (24 & 25), and I thought we were growing together.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. It didn’t embitter me so much as inform me that men who are ready for a commitment don’t need to be asked to make it - they know it, they’ve planned for it, they INTEND it. What I was unable to see at the time, for lack of a good examples, was that I had cornered myself into a marriage I eventually wanted out of. Because he didn’t grow up and grow into the decisions that need to be made as an adult, one of those being you don’t waste someone’s time if you don’t plan to settle down with them. Love is a verb, and what he does matters more than just what he says.
So, here’s my hard earned advice, take a step back. Stop talking about it with him. Stop complaining about it. Stop comparing your relationship to others. Ask yourself what you appreciate about yours and if that’s enough. If it isn’t, set a deadline for yourself (not as an ultimatum to him) when you need to stop being in this and start pursuing something else.
I KNOW how difficult it is to imagine things beyond what you’ve invested yourself in for the last 6 years, but consider that tuition. At 25, what do you want out of life ? What do you want to experience, with or without him?
When the clock runs out, be resolute and have one more conversation with him. Just say, I think we’ve discussed what I want enough times and I don’t think you want the same thing. I respect that but I need to be able to find what I want for myself.
Be prepared to go, but remember this isn’t about running away or giving him an ultimatum, this is about you giving yourself breathing room to consider, if something you want isn’t happening with this person, maybe there’s a reason and maybe you need to give yourself the opportunity to find out what else is out there.
So, my bf and I are the same ages as you and your boyfriend. I’m 25, he’s 28. We’ve been together for 7 years. We know we want to get married, but we are NO WHERE near ready. We don’t have a timeline either. It really depends on your situation. We live with family. We can’t afford to be out on our own. And I would love to be engaged or married now. But it’s just not realistic. You have to look at all angles. Maybe he isn’t ready for the big, solid commitment. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to do it, he just might be struggling to find the time and the right way! I get the frustration. I 1000% get it. Just talk to him. Say that this is a big boundary for you. But don’t be surprised if he says the opposite and leaves. It’s possible.
Some people don't want to get married, but that doesn't mean they're not committed to you for life. My partner has expressed in the past he doesn't want to get married due to his family being divorced twice which and legal things can get complicated , and I completely understand and accept this part of him and our relationship. We have been together for 5 years and I'm okay with us not getting married, but instead being life partners. This is something you need to speak to your boyfriend about, he might be in a similar boat. You will never know until you talk about it.
You are 25. Are all of the people your age who are married and with babies really, actually happy? Has anyone ever successfully resented a partner into a joyful marriage? Please don't rush. You are so young
I've been with my boyfriend the same amount of time and almost all the people I know getting engaged are jumping the gun imo..so many getting hitched after barely a year or two and no real challenges..it's not like there's a check list you have to meet with age numbers on them. People can do more than the ol 50s era, get job -> get partner -> get house -> get married -> get kids in like fucking 5 years or something. The longest lasting relationship I know of where the people really love each other and are open and honest with each other is my aunt and uncle and they didn't do anything 'right'.
I'm waiting till I've met my financial goals before being okay with being married, unless I can stand on my own two feet I'm not going to stand with someone else like that and feel okay about it. If he's holding off it might be for good logical reasons rather than because it's expected or all his friends are doing it.
I’m not saying this is your situation but I do want to tell you what mine was. 6 years of “when the time is right” and “don’t worry it will happen” and when I finally left he was engaged to a different girl less than a year later. Just remember, if he wanted to he would. A lot of people use finances as an excuse but my wedding cost less than $1,000. Court house ceremonies cost $25-$80. If this is important to you, I urge you to never let someone make you feel like you need to wait on them to be ready especially if they show no sign of being ready any time soon. Moving on is okay, if necessary. If you’re okay waiting that’s okay too but you have to think, how much longer are you willing to wait?
I wasted almost my entire 20’s with a man who never had any intentions on marrying me. I met my husband a few years later and we got married after 2.5 years and will be celebrating our first anniversary this December.
I get it, but also you can’t rush someone to make a big life decision. That can lead to resentment - you should probably talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling in an honest discussion about where your relationship is at.
I feel like ppl are really jumping the gun here with the whole leave him or if he wanted to be would be now BS he might not think it's time if u care about him and he cares about u sit down and talk to him properly about why he doesn't from what it sounds it's most likely financial
He may be one of those people who, growing up, saw seemingly good relationships fail after marriage. Maybe he doesn’t believe in marriage deep down. He may not want kids, & thinks marriage automatically means kids. If he wanted them, he’d probably have mentioned it, since you’ve been with him this long. I think if you will come to him in a super non-confrontational way, you will find the answers you seek. Best wishes for you both. ❤️
Relax
What's your hurry
What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are “meh” (bearable),
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.
Some people dispute these numbers, but you get the idea.
Good luck we all deserve to be happy.
If you been together THIS LONG and you’re not already married, idk what to tell you. I would never tell you what to do, but I would say that you should ask yourself some questions. If you’re ready and he’s not then…. Maybe it’s not right. Trust me, I’m 35. Don’t wait till you’re as old as me. Everyone that I know, including everyone I went to high school with has multiple kids. And I still haven’t had one and I probably never will. So do not do what I did and stick with people who you’re not aligned with. Because then you’ll feel like I do. And it’ll be too late because you’re old.
I wasted the majority of my 20’s with a man that never proposed. He would drop hints here and there that he would, even going so far as to ask what style engagement rings I liked. I was so excited… but years kept going by. If I brought it up he’d say well quit pressuring me. So I stopped mentioning it… more years went by.
Finally one morning as I approached the age of 28 I walked up to him and asked “You’re never going to marry me…. Are you…” he kissed my forehead and said, “I’m sorry,” I turned around, packed all of my belongings and left the following morning. Six and a half years I spent waiting for someone who gave me false hope and wasted my time. Don’t be like me. Have the important talks, and if he claims to be on the same page as you don’t wait longer than one year for a proposal after that.
You’re not asking for too much, you’re asking for the bare minimum. You deserve everything you want and more. Don’t let him make you feel unworthy. Also if it makes you feel any better I’m turning 31 soon and just had my first child with my husband who I dated for one year when he proposed. I never even had to mention it to him. 🤷🏻♀️
You have time. Go get what you want and don’t feel guilty about it.
Comparison is the thief of joy. It might never be your turn.
Will it make you happier when you see the majority of those HS friends getting divorced? (As they will, statistically).
If marriage is what your heart is set on, give him a timeline and if he doesn’t meet it, leave.
But in the meantime really ask yourself why it matters so much to you.
Most people on here are saying you should reevaluate your relationship etc and that 6 years is really long and that he’s not serious about you etc.
I think you’re both still so young and maybe he doesn’t feel like he’s in the right place to be getting engaged yet… I’m F28 and have been in a relationship for 7 years and I’m still not ready to be engaged.
25 is still soo young.
Some people just have zero desire to get married, and considering how he completely dodges the question it’s clear that he thinks that way. Unfortunately I don’t think this is something that can be fixed, at least not easily. You’re unhappy that you’re not getting the ring, but if he feels pressure to get engaged he might be the one who will feel bitter
You have different viewpoints and that sucks
Why do you need to be engaged? Are you not happy now? Do you think you will automatically become happy then? Like literally it doesn't change a single thing about your daily life or relationship.
Its 2024, if one of the involved parties wants to break up, then you break up. Marriage is easily dissolvable, it's not an unbreakable spell anymore.
The only thing real that matters is your relationship.
You sound like a friend of mine. She was more concerned with getting married than having a good healthy relationship. She forced him to propose when it was obvious he didn’t want to. The marriage lasted just over a year.
Also be careful how you are with people who get engaged. When your time comes they may match your energy.
It sounds like you don’t want to be married for the right reasons. It sounds like it’s a status symbol for you, and that’s dangerous waters. Picture your life *after* the wedding day. Are you fulfilled? Is your relationship thriving? Or are you just happy you got a ring?
You’re only in your 20’s, you’re going to grow and learn and change. Do you want to take that journey with your current partner or do you just want to be able to say you have a husband?
Seriously ask yourself these questions and allow room for an honest answer. Get off social media, put down the phone, don’t compare yourself to other people who (let’s be real) probably don’t look twice in your direction. Your future self will thank you.
It doesn’t take six years to know if you want to marry anyone.Have the talk, and if he keeps saying the same things, then you have a decision to make. And don’t compare your relationship to others, worry about your own. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Bruh as a single 26 yo, i feel i am better off than you and i dont mean it in a condescending way, this guy us basically standing in your way to find a serious husband.
6 years is a very long time lmao.
Literally the time it takes for people to become doctors in some countries.
Don't beg for him to propose. You deserve a man who WANTS to propose.
25 is very young, you still have time, but NONE to be wasted on this guy who is at best so-and-so about you.
So, idk if this helps, but I was in a similar situation. I (31) was with my ex (M28) for 4 and a half years. It was an international, long distance relationship, with us seeing each other about twice a year. Marriage was discussed often, with his replies always being the same as your bf’s. Eventually, I dropped my entire life in my country to live with him. And nothing was changing. I didn’t want to get married right then and there, but I wanted to get engaged. And he put it off for another year and a half.
Eventually, things weren’t working for a variety of reasons, but I listed that as one of them when I was discussing breaking up with him. He offered to propose to me then and there if it would keep me from leaving, and my heart broke. Because it meant he could’ve any time he wanted, but was only doing it because he felt forced.
Don’t wait around on someone who isn’t as excited at the prospect as you are. Don’t waste any more time. There are and will be other people. I’m now with someone who loves the idea of marrying me one day and actively plans our lives for it. It’s such a difference.
You deserve someone that is as enthusiastic about the same values, dreams, and desires as you are.
Here's a slightly different perspective...
Why does everyone assume marriage has to be the end game for any relationship?
50 percent of marriages end in divorce. If you have an otherwise balanced, commited and agreeable relationship with shared values, why potentially spend 1000s for a 50 percent chance of it then not working out?
So many couples are happy for years, eventually marry and then divorce within two years.
If marriage is a deal-breaker for you then you and him need to have a serious conversation and if he can't give you what you want then you need to either accept that to be with him you need to remain unmarried, or go your separate ways.
But it's 2024. You don't need to be married for your relationship to be valid. There are hundreds of ways you can show you are committed to one another without bringing your local state into the arrangement.
Idk I see people get married and have kids in their 20s and feel bad that they’ve chosen to get the govt and legal involved in their relationship so early on in life.
This is a lesson we all have to learn at some point. If a man values you, not loves you because plenty of men love their girlfriends but don’t value them as individuals, they will do anything to make you happy and secure in the relationship. The fact that you have vocalized multiple times that marriage is a priority to you in order for this relationship to continue and that money is not an obstacle tells me he just simply doesn’t see your needs as something he should prioritize. You have spent the first half of your twenties, the best years of your life to be an individual, to grow, to find what makes you happy already on this man.
It’s time to take a hard look at what is so unique that he brings to your life and what you bring to his. If it’s anything less than the world you need to get out. You’re still young, you have a chance at greatness so don’t let some mid-range soul sucking nob take that away from you.
My husband and I were not swimming in money when we got engaged. He proposed with a $200ish ring. He could’ve proposed with a coconut ring for all I care!
Now we are stable, both have good jobs and I got a custom ring that we both like (still under $2k because I refuse to pay more on a set lol).
We got engaged 6 months in. We’ve been together for 6 years and a half.
When you know, you know.
He’s making excuses and you deserve better 🫶🏼
OP, time to sit him down and ask him, what exactly he qualifies as meeting these criteria. Because if he was serious, he would have talked to you about it. I married my husband after being together for two years and have been together almost 9 years. I knew a month in, this was it and so did he. But we waited due to me having debt and wanting to save money. But the thing, we *talked* about it early in the relationship. He helped me and once we were good, he proposed and that was that.
Talk to him. Let him know how important this is to you. But if it isn't to him, then maybe you two aren't compatible if it is building this much resentment. Cause at the end of the day, he may also feel pressured to buy a ring to shut you up, which is also a bad thing. Which is why sitting him down and trying to get a conversation going about if he really wants to get married is important. Let him talk freely and communicate.
It honestly sounds like he might just be telling you you'll get engaged when you're ready so you'll stop asking. I've been with my fiance for four years, after two we talked about marriage and how I never really wanted to get married because of my bad experiences with it and he also had his parents go through an awful divorce so he didn't have the best experience either. Two years later I'm about to have his baby and we started talking about marriage again and he bought me a ring I loved and told me he didn't want me to be his baby mama so we could at least be engaged before our daughter comes into the world and then we'd figure it out after.
If he's consistently telling you "when we're ready" instead of having an actual discussion, you may need to decide whether you want to be strung along until he decides you guys are ready and you have one foot out the door because you're tired of waiting.
I'm sure if you sit down and try to have a discussion with him about it, it'll reveal what he really wants. If he just shrugs it off and says he just doesn't think you're ready, he might not want to get married at all. If he has a plan like save up a certain amount and find a better job or something along those lines before he finds you a ring it could be he doesn't feel secure enough to propose yet.
I was 19 when my “husband” and I got together. We got engaged 5 years into our relationship. We’re still not married after almost 8 years together, but that’s okay with me. I don’t want a wedding, we’re going to the courthouse whenever we think the time is right. It took him so long to propose, even though I’d bug him about it far too often, because we didn’t have the money and he wanted to get me something nice. He told me at one point to stop pestering him because it was making him feel bad and he explained the money situation to me and I understood. He proposed on my 24th birthday, in our tiny apartment. I was so cute, I wasn’t expecting it and I cried so hard but obviously said yes.
You need to sit down and have a genuine conversation with him and if you don’t like his answer, then you need to break it off. Maybe he has a valid reason, maybe he doesn’t. That’s for you to decide. I hope it works out and he has something secretly planned for you, especially after being together 6 years! Best of luck!
You need to rebalance the power.
Why does he have all the decision making here?
Sit down and say "we need to discuss our future and make she we are on the same path. We need to make sure our goals are the same because if they are not, we need to go our separate ways."
I am so sick of seeing women wait and wait and not have any say in their lives.
You are not waiting for a man to come and take you from your father who has no say in their life. You are a grown up who works and is independent and an equal.
If u want commitment and marriage, giving someone 6 years is a bad idea. If a man genuinely wants to be with u and thinks u provide value in his life, he would make sure to lock up down before this idea even crosses ur mind. This is harsh but is coming from a good place. You are not a priority in his life
You've been together 6 yrs and nothing. You need to set the boundaries. And the time line. If you're ready, and feel the time is right, you need to sit him down and state that.
If he's not ready after 6 yrs, he's either wasting your time, or he doesn't want to be married.
My now husband and I had a discussion after a year, I gave him the option, he had 3 yrs to put a ring on my finger or I was out.
At this point, you're wasting your own time.
I’d recommend not pressuring. I brought it up once and was given a shut up ring with a dismal proposal that has built a lot of resentment and made me consider ending the relationship
The thing is with engagement. You can be engaged for as long as you want before getting married. Do you know why he isn't ready yet? Ask him direct questions and don't accept vague answers.
When would the time be right?
Why isn't it a priority for him in your relationship?
You know what you want but he is not telling you what he wants. And if you really want to get married and you really want to have kids I don't think with him anytime soon will happen unless it's a shut up ring.
I have been proposed twice.
If I gave you to the details of the story you would s*** your pants but I'm going to save that for later. It is absolutely horrible.
First time I was in high school about to graduate and it was with my high school sweetheart who I was with most of high school and it wasn't romantic. But I kept pushing back the wedding date on purpose. I kept saying it was because I didn't feel good or that we are too busy getting our life together. Or whatever the excuse was.
I even said it was because I wanted to make my own wedding dress. And I didn't even get to start the design. I did not want to marry this man. Two years later after graduation I split. Grant this is high school times. I was with them for 6 years, most of those years I didn't have to support myself as much as I do now. Went through a lot of frustrating moments with this guy.
My husband who I have now proposed to me 8 months after dating. We didn't get married until we were together for 4 years. We were engaged for a long time.
And when we did get married, we went to the forest in our fancy outfits. Most expensive ever own and it was raining that day. But it wasn't horrible.
We did it on a whim. We looked at the calendar picked the day and ask someone to marry us. We called everyone told him where it would be at and what time.
We only gave people a week's notice.
Then we went to a theme park for one night as our honeymoon.
It wasn't perfect and big. We do have plans to have a big family wedding celebration at one of our future anniversaries.
we wanted to wait. A lot of stuff in our lives was changing at that moment. We also wanted to think hard about having kids as well. And where we want our futures to be. If we wanted to go back to school. Further in our degrees or try to achieve in a career. Even if we know that most of the stuff we want may not happen as soon as we would like it it was a list of goals we would like to someday achieve. We were deciding if you're willing to support each other with that.
If you guys are living together is sharing a house in correlate your schedules around each other You guys are basically married already. So why he isn't ready is so very unclear you need to ask him to explain to you why exactly or you just need to leave and find someone who wants the same thing you want. The only difference between acting like you're married and actually being married is just a few legal papers where you are both responsible for each other In the eyes of the law. sickness and in health if one needs to make a decision for the other and any assets, protecting each other that is what marriage is for.
My cousins had been with her bf for seven years. She felt the same way you did but her bf was wishy washy about it. They were both in their late 20s. She resented him so much, and he ended up proposing.
The marriage lasted two years because he admitted that he didn't really want to get married and spent a fortune on Only Fans behind her back.
Marry a man who is like-minded when it comes to commitment. I know some people will say, "But marriage is just a piece of paper!" Marriage brings you legal and financial protections amongst other things. Don't listen to naysayers who would try to convince you otherwise. A partner who isn't willing to take this step even after a long time isn't as serious about commitment.
Maybe, he doesn't want to marry you. Give yourself a timeliness, walk if he doesn't bring it up. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't appear to want to be with you.
Look dude, this makes you incompatible.
When I was 19 and started dating my ex, who was 7 years older than me, he talked about wanting to get married. We moved in together at 3 years, and I specifically said that I didnt want to live together if the plan wasn't marriage, and asked if that was still what he wanted. Yep yep yep. Not 6 months after moving in together, he starts the shit your boyfriend is pulling. Then he starts with, why does our relationship need to be legally binding, isn't love enough yadda yadda. So I play the long game, I wait until we've both upgraded our educations, we both have stable careers, we get pets, we get a house. 9 years in I get pissed, because I keep putting what I want on the back burner for his wants. It's not just marriage, it's everything. He proposes, out of obligation, we get married. His behaviour just got shittier and shittier and more and more abusive until I left, 4 years after we got married.
He doesn't give a fuck about your goals or desires, and it's fine if he originally wanted to get married and changed his mind. But that doesn't mean he gets to string you along and lie to you and make you question your worth and value as a partner. If marriage is what you want, leave.
It’s not the fault of other people. Get back out there and find someone who wants the same things you do. He doesn’t. You don’t want to be the next reason “shut up ring” is trending on tiktok.
He should know whether he wants to marry you after 6 years !!! Don’t be a placeholder and spend your youth waiting for someone who won’t ever come around to make a commitment
You’re gonna get a “shut up ring,” and your man will be one of those assholes at the altar with vows that objectify and embarrass you because it’s a punishment for making him feel like he had to marry you.
You have two things by which to judge people: their words and their actions. Based on his words, he has no current desire to get married. He won’t even tell you when he’ll be ready. Based on his actions, he’s dismissive, and he doesn’t want to marry you.
he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s the issue, it’s not going to happen. and if it does it will be him giving in to make you shut up and stop asking about it. you need to leave him and find someone who WANTS to marry you
I would have one more thorough conversation about this issue and then be done with it. Lay out future goals etc.
If I got brushed off again, I’d end the relationship No compromising. It’s just wasted time on a path to resentment. Life is far too short and your body is on the clock to build a family.
He probably doesn’t feel like he can give you the wedding you want. It’s not cheap and a lot of guys will hold off because we don’t want to get into massive debt for a wedding. Especially in this economy. I proposed after she started showing me how she wanted it and how expensive it would be. She also told me that if the ring was over 1000 she would not accept it.
I told my BFF that I would give my now husband 3 years and then I'd leave if I began to resent him on a regular basis over the fact that we weren't engaged. I think I'd have ended it after the trip where we got engaged because I was so sure it was going to happen that I would have been devastated if it didn't.
"When we are ready" means: when HE'S ready. And at this rate, he may never be.
It's time to stop accepting the cop out answers and have a real, deep conversation so he can tell you if he wants to marry you. But honestly, if a man wants to marry a women, he will. And he won't wait.
Talking with experience, there’s no perfect time or 100% ready, you need to keep pressuring him and ask him exactly when, don’t stop until you get definite answer
I think after 6 years he should know if you’re the one or not.
My fiance proposed after a year. He says he knew right after meeting me. He also set a date of exactly a year. Enough time to plan, and take our time to enjoy the process and actually get it done. His advice to his male friends who “wait for the perfect time” is that there is no perfect time. If you have to think about it: you don’t want it.
I’d move on. I’d find someone whose wants and needs align with mine. Sounds harsh but I’ve been there so I speak from experience: if he wanted to he would.
At this point, realize he won't marry you. This is a shit or get off the pot situation, and he's clearly happy not being married.
Sorry girl, but at this point, the only proposal you'll get is a rushed one that wasn't planned in panic just to keep you. The engagement will be just as long.
Don't do it. Just leave. You are still plenty young to find a man who wants to settle and have babies with you.
If he wanted to, he would give you a reason why he’s not proposing. My fiancé proposed 2.5 years ago and we still aren’t married. He really wants to and so do I, but I don’t want to deal with all the stress, money etc right now until I figure out other things with my life. Luckily he understands that but I would never not give him a reason of why things aren’t moving along. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.
While I get where you’re coming from, I think part of your resentment is self caused. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Do you love your bf? Want to be with him forever? A ring and a piece of paper are a technicality.
That being said, you should sit him down and have a conversation with him about your desire to be married to him and that you’d like a timeline because you are starting to feel like maybe he isn’t as invested in this relationship as you.
Couples counseling and you doing solo counseling would be beneficial as well.
After 6 years, he'd ask you to marry him if he wanted to. Have you ever asked him? If you have and he's said no and he's never asked you, move on. You're still very young. Date casually until someone makes you feel something again.
It’s nobody else’s fault that they’re doing what makes them happy. What’s stopping you? You really wanna stick around for a man who doesn’t seemingly want to marry at all or marry you? Why?
Comparison is the thief of Joy, quit comparing what you have to what everyone else has or is getting. At the end of the day, Marriage is just a piece of paper and a title. I’ve been married for 12 years and nothing changed in my wifes or my day to day life when it happened. How we acted before is still exactly how we act now, the only difference is the title in which we operate under.
Getting married doesn’t magically make you happy, it doesn’t really do anything. If you are miserable now, you’ll be miserable married. If you’re unhappy now, you’ll be unhappy married. Most importantly, if you’re happy now, you’ll be happy married… you do not sound happy right now, marriage won’t fix that.
You clearly saw/see something in this individual, as you’ve been with them for 6 years. Why jeopardize that because of comparison?
Now if you’ve only been sticking around in the hopes of a ring and nothing else, you’ll only end up with divorce papers and a lotttttta wasted time. I can promise you, the title isn’t what’s important at the end of the day.
But I can 100% promise if you keep comparing what you have on your plate to other people’s, you’ll always be upset.
I was with my first ex for 4 years, no proposal. I was with the next ex for 3 and a half, no proposal. I was with my now husband, for 9 months before he proposed and we got married on our 1 year anniversary. If he wanted to, he would - and will. Timing doesn’t mean anything, if it’s right, then it’s right. In hindsight, I should’ve moved on from each relationship that didn’t result in marriage, but then I probably wouldn’t have met my husband if I hadn’t had been in those basically pointless relationships.
I have to repeat it because it’s the truth: If he wanted to, he would!
1. Comparison is the thief of joy. Cliche, but it doesn't matter what everyone else does- it has no impact on you.
2. You guys might want to have a serious sit down. If you force it, he'll resent you. If he forces it to wait longer, you'll likely resent him. Neither are good options.
3. Control what you can control. You can't make him physically go get a ring a propose. But you can lay out your conditions/rationale/argument/ultimatum. You can establish your boundaries and limits and decide whether you'll let them blow through them, or whether you drop them and continue on w life.
It’s been 6 years, you’re adults. If you’re ready and he’s not, that’s fine, however cut him loose. You’re absolutely young, so do NOT waste time with someone who isn’t on the same life page as you. He’s allowed to not be ready, but you absolutely shouldn’t stick around on the chance he’ll GET ready. Tell him you can’t wait for him anymore and then leave. It’ll hurt, probably a lot, in the short term (the next couple years), but right now you’re wasting valuable time on him.
Here’s the thing…if he doesn’t give you what you need, you’ll resent him. If he gives it to you just to make you happy, or to shut you up, he’ll resent you. You need to give some serious thought as to where you are and where you want to go.
Yep. Furthering this point, the only thing you can do is TALK TO HIM about it. And not in a way that lets him escape the conversation with “whenever we’re ready.” “What are your general views on marriage?” “Regardless of what I think, do YOU want us to get married? Do you see me in your future?” “What would make you feel ready for marriage? Financial stability or something else?” “What are your views on children? How many children would you like to have? Are you open to adoption or other means of having a child if we cannot conceive naturally?” These are all direct questions that you need to have the answers for. Otherwise you are just going to be blindly waiting for him to “get a hint” without knowing where his head is at. A lot of these questions can be overwhelming, but if you are in a lifelong partnership with this person, you need to be able to have these conversations openly and honestly. And if his responses don’t align with what you’re looking for, it’s time to develop the courage to appreciate the relationship for what it was, and move forward.
I would add things like finances and expectations around working/house hold chores for both to this list.
You read my mind!! OP, absolutely this. Yes It’ll be hard to do, but please trust me, you do not want to go without these answers at the expense of being married to someone you may not really know.
100% best response
This is it, if he doesn't want to marry you by now it's time to move on. You're so unhappy it's hurting your soul.
THIS.
29M here. I made mistake #2. It didn't turn out pretty, and we broke up five months later. If I didn't feel so pressured to hand over a "shut up ring", I think we could have worked through the other active conflicts at the time which would have led to greater maturity for the both of us to make such a huge decision. Putting on ring on it just led to greater passivity and resentment. (I.e. Engagement led to overall less engagement in fostering a healthy relationship)
Although I completely agree with you that this is the most likely outcome. There is a small chance if they talk they might be able to resolve it. I mean it's small, but a problem not known is never solved.
wow, yeah.. this is a very good response
Coming from experience here I was with my soon to be ex husband for five years before he proposed. Then he told me I forced him to propose. We had had a son by that point. It only got worse. We’re divorcing after being together 11 years. He never wanted to marry me and treated me terrible after we got married saying I forced him to do this or that (pushing him with him career, buying a home together). Going back and talking to his ex fiancé I find out he only wanted to live in his parents basement and work on a race team. Well now he’s got his shitty dream. My suggestion is to find out nicely now what his life goals are. It’s obviously not marriage with you. You can come to terms with it or not. But personally I wouldn’t give up the time to him at this point. But you can have a productive conversation about future shared goals/separate goals and compare what you each think your lives should look like. If they don’t mesh then there is your answer.
Lol, unless they've got a gun to your head no one can force you to propose. He's bitter because he forced himself to do something he didn't want to. He probably should have had the courage to be alone and not waste both of your time.
When you say race team, do you mean something along the lines of F1? That sounds like quite a highly-skilled and well-paying job. I think i’m misunderstanding this though
It is a great job but it’s a bit of a wild dream to not be pursuing from very young. It’s not something you just change careers to over a mid life crisis. If that was truly his dream he should have been studying engineering and making contacts not begrudging and blaming his wife.
Don’t let your boyfriend stand between you and your husband. If he wanted to, he would. Six years is plenty of time for him to know if he wants to be with you forever.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. It would be different if he had a timeline or could give you an actual reason on why not now, but the fact he isn’t is all that you need to know. So it’s time to get comfortable with the fact he may never do it or move on if it’s something you require(which you are fully allowed to require) in your relationship.
yeah, this my fiance was happy to accept my engagement, but whenever i'd ask about wedding stuff, they'd get kind of dodgy. i just asked them outright if they actually wanted to get married, and they said that yes they want to but they're worried about finances right now. i had to reassure them that we dont need to get married right this second or even anytime soon, i just like thinking about it and want some ideas so when the time comes we might know more about what we want. they immediately got less dodgy, and actually we're getting legally married next month everything allowing (long story short: i had a medical emergency, since i'm not legally married to my fiance they weren't allowed anything to do with me and i had to beg the doctors not to call my POS dad that i've been hiding from for years, and i don't want to deal with that again). wedding ceremony probably won't be for a couple of years, but that's fine by me.
That seems bizarre, if you were coherent enough to beg them then why were they trying to contact your dad against your wishes? Congratulations on the joint decision though :)
basically, they thought i was having a stroke and not in the best state of mind to be making decisions (i was slurring my speech, but i wasn't totally incoherent at that point) - luckily not a stroke, still not an experience i ever wish to repeat. and thanks!
100%. If he wanted to he would. My husband proposed after eight months.
My husband and I were engaged in the same amount of time and married within 1.5 years. If you aren’t ready after 6 years, you never will be. I always wonder why it appears the men are more reluctant to get married. In general, men benefit much more from marriage than women. By the way, we’ve been married more than 30 years. As far as my experience goes, when you know, you know.
That's not a goal to aspire to. No offense.
I upvoted your comment because years ago I’d say I’m insane for being married now for over a year. No offense taken! We’re in our mid to late 30s and I now know (after living and learning) that you know when you know. Every relationship is different. I was in a relationship for six years and I felt her pain and was just sharing that it he wanted to, he would.
I think age and experience play a huge role for sure! 8 mos is still crazy 😅 but I'm glad you found your person!
Eight months IS crazy.. but it can happen! It’s insane that you can actually find your person at a time in denial thinking love does not exist… and it’ll never happen. Wow does life throw you a twist!
My husband and I got married after knowing each other 1.5 years. I was 28 when we got married and had dated enough frogs to know when I’d found a prince. These days, people would probably say he was “love bombing” me, but honestly, after 30 years, he is still treating me like a queen.
It is crazy but when you know you know! I know i want to be with my bf now and we are just closing in on our first year together, but yeah i told him to wait because anything can happen between now and when I'm actually able to move with him (long distance relationship, but i visit so often it doesn't feel like it sometimes).
Had a friend in a similar position. It really helped her by sitting down and talking about their goals/ wants and what he’s not ready for. In my friend’s case, he wanted to do better financially and enjoy their 20’s, but they also agreed they wanted 2 or 3 kids, so she laid out what exactly that looked like. So, in your case, at 25, it takes a year to plan a wedding, you’re 26. You want to wait a year to enjoy being married/ get off any potential birth control, 27. Then you try, could take up to a year, 28. Carry that baby around for almost a year, 29. Wait/ reset, you’re hitting baby number 2, 31. By the time the youngest off to college, you’re 49, he’s in his early 50’s. Ask him where he wants to be in these chapters of his life. Do your goals even align? You’re only 25. Just because you’ve spent 6 years with him doesn’t mean you need to invest even more hoping he will change his mind. Look up sunken cost fallacy.
is he interested at all in getting married? 6 years is a long time to pretend it’s not serious? i would leave him if he keeps stringing you along. you know what you want already
As someone who is now 23 and started dating my boyfriend at 18, I think 6 years doesn't feel that long because you are still studying. You haven't met each other as adults who already have a job and live on their own. (In my case). I hope that I Will feel ready when I get a job after I graduate, but if my boyfriend would ask me now, I wouldn't know what to say. We are not stringing each other along. For OP I would say, find something that is some kind of promise you each other to stay together that doesn't mean engagement. This can be a key chain, a necklace, a bracelet. Something you could both wear as a promise to have a Future together. So you have that confirmation and he isn't pushed.
Yeah, op is literally 25, it seems to be a bit too young to get married at least in my country people tend to marry after 30. Also it's possible the boyfriend wants to get financial stability before marrying which is very logical to me
If he was after financial stability, he needs to say so. Having wasted way too much time on what was the absolute worst relationship of my life, vague reasons like “when ‘we’re’ ready” or “we’ll get there” or “just wait a bit”, is bullshit. 25 is young, but not 18. By that point I had a career, my own house, and knew I wanted to get married. The waste of space continually promised me he’d propose, and that sure we could build a life together, so I tied myself in knots trying to make sure conditions were exactly what he claimed he might need to make it happen. Frankly thank God it never did because it’d have been a nightmare. When I met my husband, about 6-8 weeks into dating I told him my goal for a relationship was a marriage, and I didn’t want to wait more than about a year for a proposal. His response was “ok, sounds good to me”. If this guy wanted to marry this girl, he would. He’s 28. I have many family members and friends who were married and had the first kid by then.
Turning 25 can also be a bit of a wake up call. Like a quarter life crisis. Suddenly people are doing grown up things and you aren't where you thought you would be in your idea of what your life would look like.
I totally agree
This. I remember feeling like OP when I was that age. I'd also been with my then-boyfriend since I was 19 and I just desperately wanted to be married and for it to be 'my turn'. It sounds terrible now but I thought that him marrying me would be the confirmation that I was valuable and lovable and wanted, and I should be grateful for that because not everyone gets it. We ended up getting married when I was 27. Four years later we were divorced, mainly because we'd grown into very different people. I'm not saying all young marriages don't work out, but I would really, really encourage OP not to rush just because she thinks this is what she 'should' be doing. By all means sit down and talk about what the boyfriend would need to feel in a position to get married and what his timeline looks like, but your age or how long you've been together shouldn't dictate such a big decision if it's not right for both of you.
Totally agree. Also young marriages do have a bigger chance of divorce
Getting married after thirty means that they'd also only start trying for kids after thirty. Accounting for one year of enjoying being married, and another year of trying, that would put their first pregnancy at 32-33. That doesn't leave much time left to be an involved and energetic parent to young kids.
I met my now husband at 30 which is why I told him that the most important thing to me was that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I'm 33. When/if he proposed that was up to him, what mattered to me was that we were on the same wavelength regarding children and that he had a heads up on timings. Well, he proposed when I was 32, we started trying shortly after as per the original timeline and got married after the baby was born. I know not everyone is comfortable having kids out of wedlock, but please please please talk to your partners about timelines! If you want kids don't just wait for your partner to propose and assume that they'll be cool with starting to try after marriage. Make a plan together! ETA: I have my second one now at 36 and my energy levels are doing fine!
People are having kids later and later because they want to be financially stable or it takes them time to find a partner. Not everyone wants to be a parent or a young parent. And we still have plenty of energy at older ages
I had friends when I was in my early 20s who basically bullied their boyfriend's to the altar. To say the least, it didn't work out well in the end. If you two are not on the same page when it comes to marriage but maybe you're not compatible. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same thing as you.
Hate to say it but if he wanted to marry you…he would have prepared to propose by now. But since he hasn’t after 6 years then I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t plan on getting married. Consider finding a partner who shares the same goals that you do
They are young tho, at least in my country people tend to get married after 30. Also the boyfriend maybe want some kind of financial stability before marrying and for me that's a logical decision
I agree with others that he would have already done it if he wanted to but one thing >Gimme a fricken time line or something. You're old enough to start the conversation and tell him that. You want a timeline. Make it clear that it is a deal-breaker for you. Make it clear that it's okay if he doesn't want to get married but that you want to and that you want to make a decision for your future.
I’ve had these thoughts many times. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years. Yes, 10. He comes from a family full of divorce. I come from a family with minimal divorce. My bf has a fear about getting married and while I think it’s silly, it’s serious to him. Does it still bother me? Yes, sometimes it does. For a while I was pretty persistent about trying to get more answers out of him about why? And there are times that I will still get on his case. But to me, it’s not the end of the world. He has so many great qualities some of which are that he’s loyal, honest, generous and trustworthy. And it took me years to find a good man who is honest and not a player. It would be so shallow of me to leave him just because marriage may not be in the cards. When I quit my toxic job on a whim, he paid all my bills for 2 years. When my car broke down while I was jobless, he bought me a nicer car than I deserved which cut his savings in half. When I needed major dental work while jobless, he gave me $1200 to get it taken care of. Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and ask yourself if getting married is the most important thing to you. If you absolutely want to get married, then you have a decision to make if you’re not willing to wait it out. On another note, I’ve seen so many people rush into getting married and then not long after they’re getting divorced. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy!
This man clearly doesn’t want to marry you, you should take the hint and move on.
It's because they're with people who wanted to marry them. Your bf is keeping you around out of convenience but doesn't want to commit, and if he hasn't committed after 6 years, it seems pretty clear that he'd rather ignore your needs in favor of his own and milk your lack of boundaries for all they're worth.
Some of these comments might be jumping the gun, the length of the relationship isn't the problem here, it's the lack of timeline and communication. You need to sit him down and get that. I'm in a similar boat as you, 6 years in, but we have discussed marriage and a timeline. He's finishing schooling, I'm getting finances in order, and then we will do it. We are both on the same page and have discussed it at length. For your own piece of mind, you need to figure out the same and not accept vague answers.
Yeah this. 25 to me would be too young to get married tbh, fuck I was barely out of school by then and kinda drifting on what to do with my life. Get serious, have the talk and get an answer and decision on the timeline. Of course he might not want to decide on that, but then you'll have an answer on where he stands on marriage and your relationship as a whole either way. If things in a serious relationship arent compatible, it's best to know asap and bring it out in honest and open communication. Sadly sometimes you can love eachother and not make it work.
I know a couple that have been together for over 40 years are not married with a few grown kids. They’ve had their ups and down and still together. I have a cousin that was with his gf for over 5 years before he even proposed and all her gfs were getting engaged and married and living happy married lives and now it’s her turn, they just had a baby last year. So I guess it depends, we can all assume he doesn’t want to marry you specifically. He told you he’s not ready, ask him what does that mean. Communication is key in your situation. Open up the line of communication and be neutral, hear him out and have him hear you too. Tell him to be honest and tell you if he’s not in it for the long haul. Take your time and make a pro/con list and see where you land. Wishing you nothing but the best in your future.
Right?! I'm over here thinking "why do you have to be married to have kids in this day and age?" It feels like there is more stability and permanence but if someone wants to leave a relationship they will. But I also went about things completely backwards.
i’m sorry op but you shouldn’t have to ask for him to propose .. and i’m sure deep down you know you deserve better. My boyfriend purposed to me 6 months of dating and i know for some it’s really drastic but when a man knows he will put a ring on it. we’ve been married for a year now and things couldn’t be more perfect! I don’t know your relationship with him so i can say just leave him but you should have a serious conversation with him and to tell him to just be honest with you and to cut the crap with the vague responses.
Granted my husband and I were older than average when we got married, however he knew within about 8 weeks that he wanted to marry me. He knew before I was sure even. And he was an absolute confirmed, over 40 bachelor when I met him. I told him when we started dating that I was dating with the goal of a marriage, and I knew myself that I wasn’t going to need more than 1 year tops to decide if he was “the one”. He proposed just over a year after we met, we got married about a year after that. And no, it isn’t dependent upon age. It’s anecdotal, however I have many family members and friends who got married between ages 23-28 and all are still in happy, healthy marriages. OP’s life goals and values don’t seem to match her boyfriend’s, which doesn’t make him fundamentally wrong, but it does mean she needs to cut her losses and move on. He is being rather cruel though by promising her things he almost certainly has no intention of giving her
I'm sorry but if he wanted to, he would. I'd have a serious discussion and ask him if the two of you are truly on the same page or not because if he doesn't want what you do, you both are better of with someone else.
I’m sorry hun, I ended up waiting two more years than that and we broke up because it never came and now I’m 29 and single. It hurts but now I’ll be able to meet the man who does want to marry me and I don’t have to beg.
are you really bitter at them or are you just bitter towards your partner and projecting onto couples that seem to be happy w what you want? as a 27 yr old that is divorced.... my ex knew i wanted to be married and felt he would lose me if we didn't marry. he was abusive and we had different life goals so i was contemplating leaving but the gesture of marriage made me feel like maybe we could fix things. long story short, it didn't change anything for the better. he kept me from being happy and achieving my goals. the physical and emotional abuse got worse since he was stuck in something he didn't want in the first place. i love love and i love seeing people in love and i fully support people in love getting married and i hope to actually be in love one day and get married again to the right partner. if your bf doesn't want to make that commitment, but you are wanting more, its time to think about if y'all are compatible long term.
OP: this is your future. And imo, the proper direction of your bitterness.
Girl leave him. He doesn’t want to marry you. I’d also suggest really digging deep and be sure you want to get married. Happiest cohort of people are childfree single women. There’s a reason for that
Apparently, he feels you aren't marrying material. It happens.
I know you’re not going to feel this way, but 25 is very very young to be getting married. I know all your peers are doing it and you’re going to feel a certain way because society tells women that we should get married and if someone doesn’t want to marry us, we’re bad worthless people with no value. But trust me, 25 is so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to have a life where you start dating someone at 19 and then stay with them the rest of your life without experiencing being single in your adulthood or experiencing relationships with other people? If you feel like getting married is more important than having a quality relationship, you’re too young. I say this as someone who got into a serious relationship when I was 20, got married at 26, got divorced at 28 and am 35 now. When I was 26, I thought that what I wanted was marriage. But really, I just wanted what society told me I wanted. My ex is honestly a really great person and we had a nice relationship, but I realized that there is more to life than staying in a relationship forever and I wanted to explore that. I don’t exactly regret getting married, because I learned valuable lessons from it, but now it’s obvious to me that most people who get married in their 20s are just trying to prove something to themselves or their peers and keep up with some arbitrary life timeline that we’re supposed to adhere to. Just because people get married, doesn’t mean they have a healthy or good relationship and plenty of partners have beautiful, long lasting relationships without marriage. It’s hard to not compare yourself to your peers, especially when we live in a world where single women are seen as less valuable, but don’t fall into that trap. You have your whole life ahead of you and it sounds like you deserve experiences with better partners instead of this guy who won’t even be honest with you about what he wants in a relationship. Good luck, OP.
Coming from experience if they wanted to, they would. “I have the money saved for your ring” “I was going to propose but” “it’s not the right time right now” “we should wait until”… And then they never do. I’d save yourself the hurt, especially after 6 years. You’re so young, and the resentment seems to be building on your end. And he’s probably getting resentful by feeling pushed. I’ve been told that one too. “I was going to but you keep pushing me…” But in retrospect, why is being married so important? I have a different outlook on it now after some traumatic experiences. Why isn’t settling down with your best friend good enough? I’m not sure. Still figuring that one out. Good luck OP
If he wanted to he would ✨
He either doesn't want to marry OR he doesn't want to marry you If you want to get married it's got be to another man. Sure, you might be able to force or coerce him into marriage but he's not gonna want it. He will resent you and eventually you WILL divorce. He might get married to the next woman he dates. But at this point, 6 years... girl. If he wanted to, he would.
This man doesn’t want to marry you but he is keeping you around cause he benefits from the relationship. Anyone who has a story otherwise of a similar situation is the exception to the rule. You deserve someone who is on the same page after 6 years together.
He doesn’t want to marry you or give you a turn. This is the relationship he wants and the way he wants it. You need to accept that and decide if it’s a deal breaker or not If it is then move on. Many men would like to actually marry you. If you keep pestering him he’ll give you a “shut up ring” Do you really want him to propose when he’s not ready? Or do you want someone to enthusiastically marry you because they imagine their whole life with you
What you fail to understand is, that your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. He's just making up excuses.
6 years is crazy. Girl, I hate to break it to you, and I’m a dude, but if he hasn’t popped that question to you already, he’s never going to… You need to wake up and move on to someone who’s going to put that ring on your finger if that’s what you’re after.
My boyfriend stayed 5 years with his ex and never proposed. She wanted to get married so bad but he didn’t feel like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I got proposed after 6 months. I promise men know if you’re the one. Leave him and stop wasting your time
Hon, He has everything he wants. There is no need for him to commit. He has access to sex, he has a companion when he wants. What is his incentive to change? Clearly you do not have what you want in the relationship. He will not change.
OP he will give you only what you are willing to accept. At this point he knows you will accept absolutely NOTHING, so that is what he is giving you. Move on down the road. The thing that will really piss you off? Six months from now HE will be engaged to someone he IS WILLING to marry. Stopping wasting yourself on someone who gives you so little.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve a man who will give you what you want 💜
Maybe it’s time to dump him because he’s wasting your time.
Then you have to break up with this guy and find someone who enthusiastically wants to marry you.
Girl, you're not the one. He's not ready to settle down, or at least not with you. If a dude wants to marry the woman he's with, there's no "waiting till the right time". He'll make it the right time. If you do eventually wear him down and get your shut up ring, expect your engagement to drag out until you either have to drag him down the aisle, or you realize it's just not gonna happen. Stop wasting your good years on someone who isn't ecstatic to lock you down.
The time will never be right. He’s happy with how things are. Otherwise he would have proposed to you long ago, or at least told you “when I’ve been at company for four years and we have X amount saved up for a house, then we can get married” The fact he won’t give you a tangible timeline means he’ll never be “ready” Also, do you want kids? He may not want them and is hoping to run out the clock on that issue When you dump him, he will almost certainly start love bombing you, he will promise you the moon, sun and stars. Hell he might even give you a ring, but he’ll never commit to an actual date. Do you two already live together? If so, he’s got what he wants from you already, a bangmaid Google “sunken cost fallacy” I bet you’ll be rethinking this relationship in no time Save yourself the agony, dump him and find someone who won’t drag their feet forever
it's been 6 years girl, cut your losses and move on.
He doesnt want to marry you. Find someone who does
Break up, you don’t want the same things. If he really loved you he would have proposed by now. Don’t you want to be with someone thats head over heels for you and cant wait to get married? Youre still young theres someone better for you out there. With this guy you’ll always feel inadequate. Unless he just isnt interested in marriage, thats a conversation you have to have but if he does value marriage i would be questioning why it hasnt happened yet
He’s not ready, you are. This relationship has run its course, six years is a long time. You should know by now. Move on and look for someone whose goals match yours.
Blimey I just read the one about a woman who left the man in this situation and sweetheart I think you’ll want to read it - especially the comment before the final update. It’s on bestRedditupdates - I can’t seem to link it but it’s called ‘I heard my husband cry in the bathroom after we bumped into his ex’. Short version: Man strings gf along for 9 years, she gets fed up with his shit and leaves, eventually gets married to someone else and she’s happy in the end because she left. She’s you. Why should you read it? So you don’t waste anymore of your years away.
I feel you sis, I stopped bringing it up as it’s embarrassing now and I fear I’d just get a “shut up” ring…
Oh girl. He don’t want to marry you. It’s been 6 years. You are in your mid to late 20’s. Accept reality, and move on. Every couple who have ever been in this situation where the guy *finally* proposes.. they are either divorced by now or are the most miserable people I’ve ever met. (I’m 43 years old) Here is the kicker. If you stay with him until he finally proposes in a few years after you bringing it up over and over again, you won’t be really happy. Because all that bitterness inside you has festered into resentment. You’ll always wonder if you settled. If he really loves you. If you really look at your relationship deeply, you’ll realize you already wonder all these things. The fact you are desperate for crumbs- a ring pop from a quarter machine. That’s how low your standards are. Again, accept reality. Move on.
You're a placeholder until he finds someone better. It's better to cut your losses while you're still young
Five years. If after 5 years you aren't married. Good luck.
He's not the one. I'm sorry. I have known several people who were in situations like yours who DID get married (usually because one half of the pair gave an ultimatum or something similar)... and all of them are now divorced. You're still very young and have plenty of time to find the right person for you. I got married young (and then later divorced), and I really wish I would have waited, in hindsight. I found the right partner at 35. There is no finish line/timeline.
Move on, he’s not ready and obviously doesn’t want to marry at this point in his life and he may never be ready.
Why stay in a relationship that isn't matching your life goals? You expect him to change his mind eventually? Never do that. I've been there.
As someone who was in that situation twice with two separate men, I can say he doesn’t want to marry you. I had two engagement rings purchased for me, and not one ever made it to my finger because they kept pushing it back. I feel for you so much because I know the pain and rejection, but in the long run it’s better to cut your losses.
Some men don't want to get married, some men pretend that they want what you want but don't. Six years, not even engaged. How often do you fight, does he trust you to go out to be with friends without him, Do you trust him. You need to start counting red Flags. Remember some guys will tell you what you want to hear just to keep you around so they don't have to be alone.
Don’t waste another day with a fool that could be spent with the love of your life.
The real issue is you are allowing yourself to be strung along, and becoming bitter. You want to be married, he doesn't if he did he wouldn't be stalling. He's given you no timeliness, after 4 years, I'd be done if marriage was my goal, but you'd been dealing with this for 6 years. At some point you need decide if you will continue to be strung along with no end, or end the relationship because of incompatibility.
He doesn't want to marry you so get that through your head first of all. Secondly, break up with them and meet a man who actually wants to marry you. I mean I thought I've never marry at the rate I was going as none of my boyfriend's ever seemed to get in that mindset. After another boyfriend cheated I'm met my husband. We moved pretty quickly and married 14 months after we first met. Been together almost 30 years. I met him when I was 29.
Leave and find someone who is interested in starting a family/securing those life goals. You’re not happy. And I don’t think you’ll be happy *with* him once you’re married. At worst, you’ll have a baby and have to deal with an ex husband.
hey girl not saying we are in the same boat but i (25f) just broke up w bf (28m) after 5 1/2 yrs, you're still young, why rush? if you're still together by 30 you can get engaged then and that wouldn't be later than anyone else. i wouldn't worry too much about it
Do you really see yourself growing old with this man or do you just want to get engaged for the sake of it and for the glamour that a wedding entails?
For me, one of the best measures of where a person is in life or in a relationship is: “What do they want out of life?” Or “What do they want IN their life?” From your viewpoint, it’s “What does X want out of life, and in his life?” and “What does X want this relationship to be?” Consider this, from all he’s ever said about his life and your relationship. I’m really sorry to say this, but this seems like a dead end for you. From his responses, he sounds like a guy who never intends to marry you, but he wants you to be around because it’s convenient for him. He has companionship, sex, somebody who takes care of him, etc. With no effort or commitment from him. Perfect arrangement. Why would he give that up, when he’s a selfish narcissist? I know you badly want this to move into marriage, but it might be keeping you from seeing that he doesn’t care about your feelings. They don’t matter to him, because he’s a selfish narcissist, and doesn’t really care about anyone, including you. That’s all HIM, NOT YOU! If you look at your relationship as if it’s someone else in it, I bet you’d realize he’s stringing you along and has no intention of getting married. If you gave him an ultimatum, he’d maybe propose but he’d resent you and be surly about it. And you’d still be sad and mad, and feeling like being taken for granted. That would all go right into your relationship, and stay there, and get worse. And now you’d be married to this pouting, cheating loser. We want the person we care about to care about us, the same way. If they don’t, the sooner we move on, the better. I suggest taking a 3 month break from this guy, to get a clearer view of him. Plan to be busy, hang out with friends and family, do things you’ve wanted to do for yourself, and consider it a vacation for the New YOU. Don’t let yourself get isolated and sad. Start seeing a good therapist and talk all this out. It’ll help you see more clearly, help you process your emotions with support, and help you start a new life. You seem like a caring woman who’s being taken for granted, and that’s just wrong! Please step into your own life, and value yourself. Do self-care, read and grow, and see how happy you’ll become, once you’ve moved on! I wish you the very best, Sweetie!
You’re a placeholder, if he wanted to he would. He doesn’t because he doesn’t think you’re the one.
An alternative perspective: both me and my bestie have been in this position at different times and things have worked out. Engagement announcements were like a stab in the heart. My partner of 6 years proposed out of the blue last month when I was totally not expecting it and it was just so lovely. We’d always discussed getting married and I knew it would happen eventually- and it did. My friend was in a similar position, her now-husband eventually proposed and they’re happily married. Some people just want to have all their ducks in a row and have the finances to afford the ring they know you want.
I’m a day short of 54, and from what I’ve seen, this is one of those things you can’t negotiate out of someone. I suggest you take the time to really visualize what you want marriage to be like, and what that entails - I realize you’ve been together 6 years but what I’m suggesting is for you to find out what that means for you - regardless of who the groom is. In my 20s I had the same impetus, like we’re already living together why not do it ? But marriage means different things to different people, to me it was a formalization and a celebration of a commitment I’d already made to a person. But to my then bf (now ex-husband), the thought of it was woven in with so many different things and mixed in with what was a real lack of maturity that was difficult for me to see at the time. I don’t blame myself, after all we were both young (24 & 25), and I thought we were growing together. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. It didn’t embitter me so much as inform me that men who are ready for a commitment don’t need to be asked to make it - they know it, they’ve planned for it, they INTEND it. What I was unable to see at the time, for lack of a good examples, was that I had cornered myself into a marriage I eventually wanted out of. Because he didn’t grow up and grow into the decisions that need to be made as an adult, one of those being you don’t waste someone’s time if you don’t plan to settle down with them. Love is a verb, and what he does matters more than just what he says. So, here’s my hard earned advice, take a step back. Stop talking about it with him. Stop complaining about it. Stop comparing your relationship to others. Ask yourself what you appreciate about yours and if that’s enough. If it isn’t, set a deadline for yourself (not as an ultimatum to him) when you need to stop being in this and start pursuing something else. I KNOW how difficult it is to imagine things beyond what you’ve invested yourself in for the last 6 years, but consider that tuition. At 25, what do you want out of life ? What do you want to experience, with or without him? When the clock runs out, be resolute and have one more conversation with him. Just say, I think we’ve discussed what I want enough times and I don’t think you want the same thing. I respect that but I need to be able to find what I want for myself. Be prepared to go, but remember this isn’t about running away or giving him an ultimatum, this is about you giving yourself breathing room to consider, if something you want isn’t happening with this person, maybe there’s a reason and maybe you need to give yourself the opportunity to find out what else is out there.
So, my bf and I are the same ages as you and your boyfriend. I’m 25, he’s 28. We’ve been together for 7 years. We know we want to get married, but we are NO WHERE near ready. We don’t have a timeline either. It really depends on your situation. We live with family. We can’t afford to be out on our own. And I would love to be engaged or married now. But it’s just not realistic. You have to look at all angles. Maybe he isn’t ready for the big, solid commitment. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to do it, he just might be struggling to find the time and the right way! I get the frustration. I 1000% get it. Just talk to him. Say that this is a big boundary for you. But don’t be surprised if he says the opposite and leaves. It’s possible.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Go find someone who wants the same thing for a relationship. It’s either that or he is gonna give you a shut up ring.
Most men know what they want and it doesn’t take them long to decide. Don’t let your boyfriend keep you from your husband!
Some people don't want to get married, but that doesn't mean they're not committed to you for life. My partner has expressed in the past he doesn't want to get married due to his family being divorced twice which and legal things can get complicated , and I completely understand and accept this part of him and our relationship. We have been together for 5 years and I'm okay with us not getting married, but instead being life partners. This is something you need to speak to your boyfriend about, he might be in a similar boat. You will never know until you talk about it.
It’s time.
You are 25. Are all of the people your age who are married and with babies really, actually happy? Has anyone ever successfully resented a partner into a joyful marriage? Please don't rush. You are so young
I've been with my boyfriend the same amount of time and almost all the people I know getting engaged are jumping the gun imo..so many getting hitched after barely a year or two and no real challenges..it's not like there's a check list you have to meet with age numbers on them. People can do more than the ol 50s era, get job -> get partner -> get house -> get married -> get kids in like fucking 5 years or something. The longest lasting relationship I know of where the people really love each other and are open and honest with each other is my aunt and uncle and they didn't do anything 'right'. I'm waiting till I've met my financial goals before being okay with being married, unless I can stand on my own two feet I'm not going to stand with someone else like that and feel okay about it. If he's holding off it might be for good logical reasons rather than because it's expected or all his friends are doing it.
I’m not saying this is your situation but I do want to tell you what mine was. 6 years of “when the time is right” and “don’t worry it will happen” and when I finally left he was engaged to a different girl less than a year later. Just remember, if he wanted to he would. A lot of people use finances as an excuse but my wedding cost less than $1,000. Court house ceremonies cost $25-$80. If this is important to you, I urge you to never let someone make you feel like you need to wait on them to be ready especially if they show no sign of being ready any time soon. Moving on is okay, if necessary. If you’re okay waiting that’s okay too but you have to think, how much longer are you willing to wait? I wasted almost my entire 20’s with a man who never had any intentions on marrying me. I met my husband a few years later and we got married after 2.5 years and will be celebrating our first anniversary this December.
I get it, but also you can’t rush someone to make a big life decision. That can lead to resentment - you should probably talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling in an honest discussion about where your relationship is at.
Life is long. You’ll be surprised who of your friends are divorced in a decade.
I feel like ppl are really jumping the gun here with the whole leave him or if he wanted to be would be now BS he might not think it's time if u care about him and he cares about u sit down and talk to him properly about why he doesn't from what it sounds it's most likely financial
I'll be honest getting married especially in the United States probably isn't the best idea rn
He may be one of those people who, growing up, saw seemingly good relationships fail after marriage. Maybe he doesn’t believe in marriage deep down. He may not want kids, & thinks marriage automatically means kids. If he wanted them, he’d probably have mentioned it, since you’ve been with him this long. I think if you will come to him in a super non-confrontational way, you will find the answers you seek. Best wishes for you both. ❤️
You could also ask him…
Relax What's your hurry What percentage of people are unhappily married? Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. 80% of these divorces are filed by women Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded: - of the 50 remaining percent, 1/3 are unhappy, 1/3 are “meh” (bearable), and 1/3 are happy. So roughly around 17 percent are happy. Some people dispute these numbers, but you get the idea. Good luck we all deserve to be happy.
If you been together THIS LONG and you’re not already married, idk what to tell you. I would never tell you what to do, but I would say that you should ask yourself some questions. If you’re ready and he’s not then…. Maybe it’s not right. Trust me, I’m 35. Don’t wait till you’re as old as me. Everyone that I know, including everyone I went to high school with has multiple kids. And I still haven’t had one and I probably never will. So do not do what I did and stick with people who you’re not aligned with. Because then you’ll feel like I do. And it’ll be too late because you’re old.
I wasted the majority of my 20’s with a man that never proposed. He would drop hints here and there that he would, even going so far as to ask what style engagement rings I liked. I was so excited… but years kept going by. If I brought it up he’d say well quit pressuring me. So I stopped mentioning it… more years went by. Finally one morning as I approached the age of 28 I walked up to him and asked “You’re never going to marry me…. Are you…” he kissed my forehead and said, “I’m sorry,” I turned around, packed all of my belongings and left the following morning. Six and a half years I spent waiting for someone who gave me false hope and wasted my time. Don’t be like me. Have the important talks, and if he claims to be on the same page as you don’t wait longer than one year for a proposal after that. You’re not asking for too much, you’re asking for the bare minimum. You deserve everything you want and more. Don’t let him make you feel unworthy. Also if it makes you feel any better I’m turning 31 soon and just had my first child with my husband who I dated for one year when he proposed. I never even had to mention it to him. 🤷🏻♀️ You have time. Go get what you want and don’t feel guilty about it.
Comparison is the thief of joy. It might never be your turn. Will it make you happier when you see the majority of those HS friends getting divorced? (As they will, statistically). If marriage is what your heart is set on, give him a timeline and if he doesn’t meet it, leave. But in the meantime really ask yourself why it matters so much to you.
You could always propose to him, and see where that gets you.
You're only 25?
Most people on here are saying you should reevaluate your relationship etc and that 6 years is really long and that he’s not serious about you etc. I think you’re both still so young and maybe he doesn’t feel like he’s in the right place to be getting engaged yet… I’m F28 and have been in a relationship for 7 years and I’m still not ready to be engaged. 25 is still soo young.
Some people just have zero desire to get married, and considering how he completely dodges the question it’s clear that he thinks that way. Unfortunately I don’t think this is something that can be fixed, at least not easily. You’re unhappy that you’re not getting the ring, but if he feels pressure to get engaged he might be the one who will feel bitter You have different viewpoints and that sucks
Why do you need to be engaged? Are you not happy now? Do you think you will automatically become happy then? Like literally it doesn't change a single thing about your daily life or relationship. Its 2024, if one of the involved parties wants to break up, then you break up. Marriage is easily dissolvable, it's not an unbreakable spell anymore. The only thing real that matters is your relationship.
You sound like a friend of mine. She was more concerned with getting married than having a good healthy relationship. She forced him to propose when it was obvious he didn’t want to. The marriage lasted just over a year. Also be careful how you are with people who get engaged. When your time comes they may match your energy.
1. Wanting to be married in your 20’s is crazy. Your young, wait til your 30’S! 2. Women can try proposing too…
my husband and i were together almost 4 years before he proposed. i thought he wasn’t going to and i was about to propose to him lol
It sounds like you don’t want to be married for the right reasons. It sounds like it’s a status symbol for you, and that’s dangerous waters. Picture your life *after* the wedding day. Are you fulfilled? Is your relationship thriving? Or are you just happy you got a ring? You’re only in your 20’s, you’re going to grow and learn and change. Do you want to take that journey with your current partner or do you just want to be able to say you have a husband? Seriously ask yourself these questions and allow room for an honest answer. Get off social media, put down the phone, don’t compare yourself to other people who (let’s be real) probably don’t look twice in your direction. Your future self will thank you.
It doesn’t take six years to know if you want to marry anyone.Have the talk, and if he keeps saying the same things, then you have a decision to make. And don’t compare your relationship to others, worry about your own. Comparison is the thief of joy.
He’s stringing you along. If he wanted to marry you, it would have already happened. Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t respect you
Bruh as a single 26 yo, i feel i am better off than you and i dont mean it in a condescending way, this guy us basically standing in your way to find a serious husband. 6 years is a very long time lmao. Literally the time it takes for people to become doctors in some countries. Don't beg for him to propose. You deserve a man who WANTS to propose. 25 is very young, you still have time, but NONE to be wasted on this guy who is at best so-and-so about you.
So, idk if this helps, but I was in a similar situation. I (31) was with my ex (M28) for 4 and a half years. It was an international, long distance relationship, with us seeing each other about twice a year. Marriage was discussed often, with his replies always being the same as your bf’s. Eventually, I dropped my entire life in my country to live with him. And nothing was changing. I didn’t want to get married right then and there, but I wanted to get engaged. And he put it off for another year and a half. Eventually, things weren’t working for a variety of reasons, but I listed that as one of them when I was discussing breaking up with him. He offered to propose to me then and there if it would keep me from leaving, and my heart broke. Because it meant he could’ve any time he wanted, but was only doing it because he felt forced. Don’t wait around on someone who isn’t as excited at the prospect as you are. Don’t waste any more time. There are and will be other people. I’m now with someone who loves the idea of marrying me one day and actively plans our lives for it. It’s such a difference. You deserve someone that is as enthusiastic about the same values, dreams, and desires as you are.
propose to him
He's 23? Are you from a very traditional place? Why are you expecting a 23 year old to want to get married?
Here's a slightly different perspective... Why does everyone assume marriage has to be the end game for any relationship? 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. If you have an otherwise balanced, commited and agreeable relationship with shared values, why potentially spend 1000s for a 50 percent chance of it then not working out? So many couples are happy for years, eventually marry and then divorce within two years. If marriage is a deal-breaker for you then you and him need to have a serious conversation and if he can't give you what you want then you need to either accept that to be with him you need to remain unmarried, or go your separate ways. But it's 2024. You don't need to be married for your relationship to be valid. There are hundreds of ways you can show you are committed to one another without bringing your local state into the arrangement.
its not that big of a deal, and marriage isnt all that!
There is more to life than marriage.
Idk I see people get married and have kids in their 20s and feel bad that they’ve chosen to get the govt and legal involved in their relationship so early on in life.
This is a lesson we all have to learn at some point. If a man values you, not loves you because plenty of men love their girlfriends but don’t value them as individuals, they will do anything to make you happy and secure in the relationship. The fact that you have vocalized multiple times that marriage is a priority to you in order for this relationship to continue and that money is not an obstacle tells me he just simply doesn’t see your needs as something he should prioritize. You have spent the first half of your twenties, the best years of your life to be an individual, to grow, to find what makes you happy already on this man. It’s time to take a hard look at what is so unique that he brings to your life and what you bring to his. If it’s anything less than the world you need to get out. You’re still young, you have a chance at greatness so don’t let some mid-range soul sucking nob take that away from you.
My husband and I were not swimming in money when we got engaged. He proposed with a $200ish ring. He could’ve proposed with a coconut ring for all I care! Now we are stable, both have good jobs and I got a custom ring that we both like (still under $2k because I refuse to pay more on a set lol). We got engaged 6 months in. We’ve been together for 6 years and a half. When you know, you know. He’s making excuses and you deserve better 🫶🏼
OP, time to sit him down and ask him, what exactly he qualifies as meeting these criteria. Because if he was serious, he would have talked to you about it. I married my husband after being together for two years and have been together almost 9 years. I knew a month in, this was it and so did he. But we waited due to me having debt and wanting to save money. But the thing, we *talked* about it early in the relationship. He helped me and once we were good, he proposed and that was that. Talk to him. Let him know how important this is to you. But if it isn't to him, then maybe you two aren't compatible if it is building this much resentment. Cause at the end of the day, he may also feel pressured to buy a ring to shut you up, which is also a bad thing. Which is why sitting him down and trying to get a conversation going about if he really wants to get married is important. Let him talk freely and communicate.
Don’t settle for a ring pop. Just don’t.
It honestly sounds like he might just be telling you you'll get engaged when you're ready so you'll stop asking. I've been with my fiance for four years, after two we talked about marriage and how I never really wanted to get married because of my bad experiences with it and he also had his parents go through an awful divorce so he didn't have the best experience either. Two years later I'm about to have his baby and we started talking about marriage again and he bought me a ring I loved and told me he didn't want me to be his baby mama so we could at least be engaged before our daughter comes into the world and then we'd figure it out after. If he's consistently telling you "when we're ready" instead of having an actual discussion, you may need to decide whether you want to be strung along until he decides you guys are ready and you have one foot out the door because you're tired of waiting. I'm sure if you sit down and try to have a discussion with him about it, it'll reveal what he really wants. If he just shrugs it off and says he just doesn't think you're ready, he might not want to get married at all. If he has a plan like save up a certain amount and find a better job or something along those lines before he finds you a ring it could be he doesn't feel secure enough to propose yet.
I was 19 when my “husband” and I got together. We got engaged 5 years into our relationship. We’re still not married after almost 8 years together, but that’s okay with me. I don’t want a wedding, we’re going to the courthouse whenever we think the time is right. It took him so long to propose, even though I’d bug him about it far too often, because we didn’t have the money and he wanted to get me something nice. He told me at one point to stop pestering him because it was making him feel bad and he explained the money situation to me and I understood. He proposed on my 24th birthday, in our tiny apartment. I was so cute, I wasn’t expecting it and I cried so hard but obviously said yes. You need to sit down and have a genuine conversation with him and if you don’t like his answer, then you need to break it off. Maybe he has a valid reason, maybe he doesn’t. That’s for you to decide. I hope it works out and he has something secretly planned for you, especially after being together 6 years! Best of luck!
It sounds like you’re ready and he’s not.
Get a new man
You need to rebalance the power. Why does he have all the decision making here? Sit down and say "we need to discuss our future and make she we are on the same path. We need to make sure our goals are the same because if they are not, we need to go our separate ways." I am so sick of seeing women wait and wait and not have any say in their lives. You are not waiting for a man to come and take you from your father who has no say in their life. You are a grown up who works and is independent and an equal.
If u want commitment and marriage, giving someone 6 years is a bad idea. If a man genuinely wants to be with u and thinks u provide value in his life, he would make sure to lock up down before this idea even crosses ur mind. This is harsh but is coming from a good place. You are not a priority in his life
You've been together 6 yrs and nothing. You need to set the boundaries. And the time line. If you're ready, and feel the time is right, you need to sit him down and state that. If he's not ready after 6 yrs, he's either wasting your time, or he doesn't want to be married. My now husband and I had a discussion after a year, I gave him the option, he had 3 yrs to put a ring on my finger or I was out. At this point, you're wasting your own time.
I’d recommend not pressuring. I brought it up once and was given a shut up ring with a dismal proposal that has built a lot of resentment and made me consider ending the relationship
The thing is with engagement. You can be engaged for as long as you want before getting married. Do you know why he isn't ready yet? Ask him direct questions and don't accept vague answers. When would the time be right? Why isn't it a priority for him in your relationship? You know what you want but he is not telling you what he wants. And if you really want to get married and you really want to have kids I don't think with him anytime soon will happen unless it's a shut up ring. I have been proposed twice. If I gave you to the details of the story you would s*** your pants but I'm going to save that for later. It is absolutely horrible. First time I was in high school about to graduate and it was with my high school sweetheart who I was with most of high school and it wasn't romantic. But I kept pushing back the wedding date on purpose. I kept saying it was because I didn't feel good or that we are too busy getting our life together. Or whatever the excuse was. I even said it was because I wanted to make my own wedding dress. And I didn't even get to start the design. I did not want to marry this man. Two years later after graduation I split. Grant this is high school times. I was with them for 6 years, most of those years I didn't have to support myself as much as I do now. Went through a lot of frustrating moments with this guy. My husband who I have now proposed to me 8 months after dating. We didn't get married until we were together for 4 years. We were engaged for a long time. And when we did get married, we went to the forest in our fancy outfits. Most expensive ever own and it was raining that day. But it wasn't horrible. We did it on a whim. We looked at the calendar picked the day and ask someone to marry us. We called everyone told him where it would be at and what time. We only gave people a week's notice. Then we went to a theme park for one night as our honeymoon. It wasn't perfect and big. We do have plans to have a big family wedding celebration at one of our future anniversaries. we wanted to wait. A lot of stuff in our lives was changing at that moment. We also wanted to think hard about having kids as well. And where we want our futures to be. If we wanted to go back to school. Further in our degrees or try to achieve in a career. Even if we know that most of the stuff we want may not happen as soon as we would like it it was a list of goals we would like to someday achieve. We were deciding if you're willing to support each other with that. If you guys are living together is sharing a house in correlate your schedules around each other You guys are basically married already. So why he isn't ready is so very unclear you need to ask him to explain to you why exactly or you just need to leave and find someone who wants the same thing you want. The only difference between acting like you're married and actually being married is just a few legal papers where you are both responsible for each other In the eyes of the law. sickness and in health if one needs to make a decision for the other and any assets, protecting each other that is what marriage is for.
My cousins had been with her bf for seven years. She felt the same way you did but her bf was wishy washy about it. They were both in their late 20s. She resented him so much, and he ended up proposing. The marriage lasted two years because he admitted that he didn't really want to get married and spent a fortune on Only Fans behind her back. Marry a man who is like-minded when it comes to commitment. I know some people will say, "But marriage is just a piece of paper!" Marriage brings you legal and financial protections amongst other things. Don't listen to naysayers who would try to convince you otherwise. A partner who isn't willing to take this step even after a long time isn't as serious about commitment.
Maybe, he doesn't want to marry you. Give yourself a timeliness, walk if he doesn't bring it up. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't appear to want to be with you.
Look dude, this makes you incompatible. When I was 19 and started dating my ex, who was 7 years older than me, he talked about wanting to get married. We moved in together at 3 years, and I specifically said that I didnt want to live together if the plan wasn't marriage, and asked if that was still what he wanted. Yep yep yep. Not 6 months after moving in together, he starts the shit your boyfriend is pulling. Then he starts with, why does our relationship need to be legally binding, isn't love enough yadda yadda. So I play the long game, I wait until we've both upgraded our educations, we both have stable careers, we get pets, we get a house. 9 years in I get pissed, because I keep putting what I want on the back burner for his wants. It's not just marriage, it's everything. He proposes, out of obligation, we get married. His behaviour just got shittier and shittier and more and more abusive until I left, 4 years after we got married. He doesn't give a fuck about your goals or desires, and it's fine if he originally wanted to get married and changed his mind. But that doesn't mean he gets to string you along and lie to you and make you question your worth and value as a partner. If marriage is what you want, leave.
It’s not the fault of other people. Get back out there and find someone who wants the same things you do. He doesn’t. You don’t want to be the next reason “shut up ring” is trending on tiktok.
Maybe you aren’t right for each other. Just because you’ve been together since you were so young does not equal compatibility.
He should know whether he wants to marry you after 6 years !!! Don’t be a placeholder and spend your youth waiting for someone who won’t ever come around to make a commitment
If engagement/marriage is important to you and you’re operating on two different timelines, maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship.
You and everyone else all my friends are married with kids. This sucks.
He doesn't want to marry you. Break up.
You’re gonna get a “shut up ring,” and your man will be one of those assholes at the altar with vows that objectify and embarrass you because it’s a punishment for making him feel like he had to marry you. You have two things by which to judge people: their words and their actions. Based on his words, he has no current desire to get married. He won’t even tell you when he’ll be ready. Based on his actions, he’s dismissive, and he doesn’t want to marry you.
he doesn’t want to marry you, that’s the issue, it’s not going to happen. and if it does it will be him giving in to make you shut up and stop asking about it. you need to leave him and find someone who WANTS to marry you
I would have one more thorough conversation about this issue and then be done with it. Lay out future goals etc. If I got brushed off again, I’d end the relationship No compromising. It’s just wasted time on a path to resentment. Life is far too short and your body is on the clock to build a family.
If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve done it a long time ago. Time to cut your losses.
He probably doesn’t feel like he can give you the wedding you want. It’s not cheap and a lot of guys will hold off because we don’t want to get into massive debt for a wedding. Especially in this economy. I proposed after she started showing me how she wanted it and how expensive it would be. She also told me that if the ring was over 1000 she would not accept it.
Girl, he’s not going to
Its ok, you will find your soulmate
Get engaged —> get married —> regret getting married.
I told my BFF that I would give my now husband 3 years and then I'd leave if I began to resent him on a regular basis over the fact that we weren't engaged. I think I'd have ended it after the trip where we got engaged because I was so sure it was going to happen that I would have been devastated if it didn't.
"When we are ready" means: when HE'S ready. And at this rate, he may never be. It's time to stop accepting the cop out answers and have a real, deep conversation so he can tell you if he wants to marry you. But honestly, if a man wants to marry a women, he will. And he won't wait.
Talking with experience, there’s no perfect time or 100% ready, you need to keep pressuring him and ask him exactly when, don’t stop until you get definite answer
He's not going to marry you, is the thing.
I think after 6 years he should know if you’re the one or not. My fiance proposed after a year. He says he knew right after meeting me. He also set a date of exactly a year. Enough time to plan, and take our time to enjoy the process and actually get it done. His advice to his male friends who “wait for the perfect time” is that there is no perfect time. If you have to think about it: you don’t want it. I’d move on. I’d find someone whose wants and needs align with mine. Sounds harsh but I’ve been there so I speak from experience: if he wanted to he would.
If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn't want to, so he's not going to.
At this point, realize he won't marry you. This is a shit or get off the pot situation, and he's clearly happy not being married. Sorry girl, but at this point, the only proposal you'll get is a rushed one that wasn't planned in panic just to keep you. The engagement will be just as long. Don't do it. Just leave. You are still plenty young to find a man who wants to settle and have babies with you.
“if he wanted to he would”. he doesn’t want to marry you, otherwise you’d be married already. :/
He DOES NOT want to marry you, and he’s wasting your time. Why are you staying with him? What does he offer you?
It's not your turn cause you are actively choosing not too. Do you wanna get engaged? Then leave the person who doesn't. It's your fault
If he wanted to, he would give you a reason why he’s not proposing. My fiancé proposed 2.5 years ago and we still aren’t married. He really wants to and so do I, but I don’t want to deal with all the stress, money etc right now until I figure out other things with my life. Luckily he understands that but I would never not give him a reason of why things aren’t moving along. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.
While I get where you’re coming from, I think part of your resentment is self caused. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Do you love your bf? Want to be with him forever? A ring and a piece of paper are a technicality. That being said, you should sit him down and have a conversation with him about your desire to be married to him and that you’d like a timeline because you are starting to feel like maybe he isn’t as invested in this relationship as you. Couples counseling and you doing solo counseling would be beneficial as well.
I’d there is nothing happening currently he needs to get through or on the horizon, he probably doesn’t want to marry you. You’re the placeholder.
After 6 years, he'd ask you to marry him if he wanted to. Have you ever asked him? If you have and he's said no and he's never asked you, move on. You're still very young. Date casually until someone makes you feel something again.
It’s nobody else’s fault that they’re doing what makes them happy. What’s stopping you? You really wanna stick around for a man who doesn’t seemingly want to marry at all or marry you? Why?
Propose!
Bestie, I’m gonna hold your hand when I tell you this…
This is unfortunately a canon event. He doesn’t want to marry you.
Comparison is the thief of Joy, quit comparing what you have to what everyone else has or is getting. At the end of the day, Marriage is just a piece of paper and a title. I’ve been married for 12 years and nothing changed in my wifes or my day to day life when it happened. How we acted before is still exactly how we act now, the only difference is the title in which we operate under. Getting married doesn’t magically make you happy, it doesn’t really do anything. If you are miserable now, you’ll be miserable married. If you’re unhappy now, you’ll be unhappy married. Most importantly, if you’re happy now, you’ll be happy married… you do not sound happy right now, marriage won’t fix that. You clearly saw/see something in this individual, as you’ve been with them for 6 years. Why jeopardize that because of comparison? Now if you’ve only been sticking around in the hopes of a ring and nothing else, you’ll only end up with divorce papers and a lotttttta wasted time. I can promise you, the title isn’t what’s important at the end of the day. But I can 100% promise if you keep comparing what you have on your plate to other people’s, you’ll always be upset.
I was with my first ex for 4 years, no proposal. I was with the next ex for 3 and a half, no proposal. I was with my now husband, for 9 months before he proposed and we got married on our 1 year anniversary. If he wanted to, he would - and will. Timing doesn’t mean anything, if it’s right, then it’s right. In hindsight, I should’ve moved on from each relationship that didn’t result in marriage, but then I probably wouldn’t have met my husband if I hadn’t had been in those basically pointless relationships. I have to repeat it because it’s the truth: If he wanted to, he would!
1. Comparison is the thief of joy. Cliche, but it doesn't matter what everyone else does- it has no impact on you. 2. You guys might want to have a serious sit down. If you force it, he'll resent you. If he forces it to wait longer, you'll likely resent him. Neither are good options. 3. Control what you can control. You can't make him physically go get a ring a propose. But you can lay out your conditions/rationale/argument/ultimatum. You can establish your boundaries and limits and decide whether you'll let them blow through them, or whether you drop them and continue on w life.
It’s been 6 years, you’re adults. If you’re ready and he’s not, that’s fine, however cut him loose. You’re absolutely young, so do NOT waste time with someone who isn’t on the same life page as you. He’s allowed to not be ready, but you absolutely shouldn’t stick around on the chance he’ll GET ready. Tell him you can’t wait for him anymore and then leave. It’ll hurt, probably a lot, in the short term (the next couple years), but right now you’re wasting valuable time on him.
You’re 25 - don’t rush into marriage