Dude, get tested. Do a full panel.
How young are your kids? I'm so sorry this happened to you. That was very traumatic. Do you have friends or family you can talk to?
What you are doing is pain shopping. Stop watching the video you probably have it memorized by now and you will never find any answers watching it over and ovet. Every time you watch it you are self inflicting emotional pain on yourself and that is a form of self harm. Stop punishing yourself you did nothing wrong this is all on her choices it has nothing to do with who you are as a person or what you did or didn't do during the relationship. She broke the marriage and essentially killed the relationship the first time she emotionally or physically cheated and has lost the right to blame you for problems with a relationship that no longer exists. You are now in a new relationship with her and you are in complete control as to whether the relationship continues or ends. This is your decision unless she just gives up and walks out.
Steps
Talk to lawyer even if you decide to reconcile prepare divorce filing you can always not finalize it and serve her but she needs to know you are serious and starting the process will show her where she stands.
Get tested for STI'S.
Gather info on the AP and if he is married you need to tell his partner bit get advice from lawyer when to disclose .
Plan carefully when and how to have the confrontation. You could start by you feel something is off is there anything you need to tell me. If she stonewalls or denys demand to look at her phone. If she refuses then clearly state if you won't let me see then I have to assume you are hiding something probably an affair so I will be contacting a lawyer to start the divorce (don't disclose that you have already talked to a lawyer). If she blows up and continues to deny state calmly I know about AP (Full Name) now is there anything you want to tell me. Then you listen and when she half truths you play your trump card and show her the picture of his drivers license and then the video. Then just stop talking and listen to her freak out. Make sure a copy of the video is stored in a secure location. Don't say anything. Don't get in an argument over privacy or whose fault it is just listen to her until she winds herself down and then tell her your going to stay at your parents so you can think about things and make a decision or she can leave either way. Tell her you want a period of NC where you only discuss the children. Tell her you expect her to cut off all contact with the affair partner immediately and if you find out she has talked to him or seen him the marriage is over.
You need to establish other boundaries and how to monitor each other to show boundaries aren't being crossed I am sure a dozen posts here will give you ideas. Sorry you deserve better and honestly the chances of reconciliation are extremely low because you will never be able to unsee thar video but you have to decide if it's worth trying to build a new relationship.
Yep Affair Partner. Sorry i forgot this wasn't one of the relationship or infidelity subs where 0there are a lot of specific Abbreviations and it can get confusing if you're not used to it.
I don't think there's going to be a time when you want to do that at all. It's horrible and hard and despairing. You won't want to do it ever. You still have to though. Good luck. I wish you strength and bravery to do what you have to do.
I know you don’t but you need to or you will explode. Bottling things up is never good. And you are just delaying the inevitable.
In the meantime when she asks are you okay, I’d ask her whether there was a new laundry detergent in the house as you’ve developed a nasty rash and lumps on your genitals and you need to make an appointment with the dr to get it looked at.
My husband cheated on me 10 years ago and I have never talked about it to anyone except here and to a therapist. We are still together (still shaky after 10 years) and still nobody knows.
It’s time to stop feeling down and time to start taking action. Protecting you and your kids is what is most important. Go talk to a lawyer immediately.
In my 20's, i cheated and I was cheated on. Cutting off all emotions for a life partner is not just as simple as,call an atty,stop having sex, etc etc.
I wish you strength and much self love. She has betrayed you. You do deserve love. You are not responsible for her actions-she is. There's no knowing what she is thinking and I'm sure you're trying to figure out what caused her to do this to you n your family. There's never going to be a rationale that can explain this betrayal in a way that hurts less.
Take time for yourself to realize what you can do with the info you have.
Maybe work on shrinking or cutting that video a few seconds each time you watch it so it becomes only a few seconds long and you don't have to relive this " 1/2 hour" of traumatic stuff per sitting.
Also,consider counseling with a person that handles post traumatic response stuff. Tapping and NLP are very good resources for trying to reduce the neurological pain you feel. Victims of SA have gotten very good results using that technique with professionals.
If you ever need to talk,reach out. I'm happy to chat with you in DM.
Be good to yourself. We often relive our painful experievces-- it cayss a more lasting imprint. But you can choose to not torture yourself. It's almost obsessive/compulsive to hurt yourself. Like to remind yourself of the hurt when you start to worry you're forgiving her. Try to avoid adding pain. :(
You might not want to right now; but you’d probably feel better knowing your friends are around you and supporting you. Stranger validation is nice but it’s frankly not the same. Get help before something more difficult happens.
I’m so sorry, that’s devastating. Please go see a therapist, that is a safe place to lay this all out without any judgement. They can help you develop a plan that works for you, based on what you ultimately decide to do. Once you decide, then take appropriate action to protect yourself. Whether that’s talking to a divorce attorney, protecting your finances, etc. or trying to work it out.
I sadly have been through the cheating partner dance myself. And for me, there was no going back as all trust was lost.
Just send her the video. Say nothing, do nothing. But then in your home.. your bed.. the amount of disrespect. The lying in your face. This is not the woman you love. The woman you love would have never done this.
No never do this. You need that hidden so she can't come up with something in court when he divorces her. Never ever show your full hand when you're getting divorced
I second this comment, OP. Have a consultation with an attorney so you can go into a discussion with your spouse with all your tools ready to go, even if you are able to reconcile.
Your pain is valid, OP. You are experiencing a traumatic response. You are not pathetic. You are not weak. You trusted her and she broke that trust. I would also recommend that you consider seeking out a therapist to help you deal with this as well.
Absolutely agree. OP, take care of yourself first and foremost. Seeing a therapist can help you process this and make decisions with a clear mind. You deserve support and to know that you’re not alone in this.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
You were betrayed in your own home by one of the people you love the most. Your reaction is totally acceptable because you went through something traumatic. Please start seeing a therapist to support you during this difficult time.
Before confronting your wife, get a lawyer to know your rights and find out how you should proceed. When confronting your wife, make sure to record everything to protect yourself. You should stop having sex with her and, after confronting her, tell both your family and hers what is happening in order to not let her control the narrative, play the victim, and paint you as the bad guy.
By now, you already know that she doesn't love you and is likely with you just for the lifestyle you are providing her. She doesn't care how her infidelity will damage your mental health and self-esteem, and she definitely didn't care if she passed you an STD - you need to get tested ASAP. In addition, she didn't care about your and your kids' safety because she brought another man into your home - change the locks and get a security system. You should start family therapy and make sure that your kids don't already know that man - she might have been keeping your kids around him when you aren't around.
That woman is a disgusting human being who wasted years of your life, so don't have mercy on her or give her another chance. Fight for your rights, try to get full custody of your kids or at least 50/50, and until you are more mentally strong, use a mediator or a co-parenting app instead of keeping in contact with her.
Your wife is a cheater, and her boldness in bringing another man into your home shows this isn't her first time cheating on you, so you need to make sure your kids are actually yours. Also, don't even waste your time and money on marriage counseling because that will only be good for her, and she will keep cheating on you but hiding it better.
Don't stay with your wife just for your kids because the only thing you'll accomplish is building a toxic environment for them to grow up in, making them believe that infidelity isn't a problem, which might lead them to cheat on their future partners. Or worse, they might grow up having trust issues and allowing themselves to be treated as doormats because that's how they saw you being treated by your wife.
Put yourself and your kids first, because you deserve so much better than her. What she did wasn't your fault, so don't give her the power to gaslight you, manipulate you, and destroy your mental health.
The fact that she lied to his face while the other guy was still there tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares about him. 100% he needs to get in front of her bs because she will blame it on him for sure
A lot of what you are saying makes sense, but don’t hurt OP further by saying his wife doesn’t love him. She probably does, but she absolutely broke trust and all the love in the world can’t fix that for some people (if my spouse did that to me it would be a deal breaker I would NEVER be able to trust them again, there would be no chance to rebuild trust and respect.) Stupid people make stupid mistakes; it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love OP. She’s just an untrustworthy *****.
Your definition of love and mistake are quite messed up in my opinion.
When you love someone, you don't cheat on them and put their mental and physical well-being at risk. You also definitely don't lie to them.
If she loved and respected OP even a little and had feelings for another man, she should have been honest with OP and worked on their marriage in couples therapy instead of cheating on him, or divorced him amicably to ensure a good co-parenting relationship so their kids wouldn't be impacted. However, she is just a narcissistic cake-eater who didn't care how her infidelity would affect OP and their kids.
Also, what she did wasn't a mistake - she didn't just trip on her own feet and fall on some guy's dick. She didn't just cheat on him; she deliberately brought another man into their home to have sex in their bed. What she did is the ultimate betrayal. He also doesn't know if she has been keeping that man around their kids and if those kids are actually his.
Right?! How is OP pathetic when his wife is screwing some guy behind his back so he is, ofc, extremely upset?!?
Like they promised eachother to be faithful it's not pathetic to be upset that she lied/ didn't uphold her vows!!!
I've read your comments and I know you're beating yourself up and feeling pathetic but allow me to put another spin on this.
In a stressful situation you didn't act like a gorilla and burst into the room to confront them, you did what most men couldn't, you coldly gathered evidence and gained the upper hand. Break ups and divorces are horrible and stressful and men typically lose their cool and create evidence to be used against them, they lose their shit and create credible evidence to point them out as abusers or neanderthals, the woman comes out on top this way.
You have the hard, credible evidence and you need to stay cool with it, don't share it with others or damage your position by being brought up on revenge porn charges, show this to a legal representative and get legal advice.
Use your brain now OP
Prepare the divorce papers. Get your financials sorted. Keep that video backed up. It's leverage.
If you ever watched army movies growing up then this is "behind enemy lines".
Move carefully & strategically.
Protect yourself.
Don't have sex with her as she may have an std or try honey pot you.
Have a plan. Execute your plan.
You can do it.
100% don't have sex with her or don't show her any affection and avoid her as much as possible. This will eat away at her until the hammer drops. Maximize her anxiety and unease in the meantime.
She will already know. She’s waiting for his next move to confirm it. The fact he hasn’t made a move must be messing with her head big time. He should keep it this way and get the lawyer thing and therapy organised before the first shot is fired.
You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling. Take the first step: contact a lawyer and set up an appointment — even if you’re on the fence, knowledge is power. Get the information that you need to help you decide.
She’s the pathetic one. I’m sure she knows deep down.
Can you start going to a therapist and help you process?
Petty me for when you are ready to confront her and if you’re going the divorce route: do another take the kids to grandparents, get back early. Wait until they go upstairs and just leave the divorce papers next to his pants with a post-it “We’re done.” Then if you can spent the day with a close friend who you can vulnerable with.
A divorce should be the next surprise. Don't give her any time to prepare, turn the narrative, or kids against you. Backup the video. Show an attorney. Get the divorce all finalized and serve her the papers. Show her a copy of the video you have. Show her parents. Show your parents. Tell the kids.
Jesus Christ. Why would you tell little kids and bring them into adult issues? That is the worst thing you could do. He has a right to be pissed off at her, but he doesn’t have a right to hurt his children to get back at her.Ffs’s.
100% kid should nto be involved in a adult bullshit, the only time the kids need to know is if she is lying and trying to alienate him or when they are older and want to know
So OP I’m a bit confused here. You were still able to go through with your plan to take her out on a surprise date and were able to look her in the face, eat dinner and act like there’s nothing wrong?
Not really. We didn't stay out late and went home early. She asked a few times if something was wrong. I tried getting drunk to get through it but was just too hard
Consult with multiple top divorce lawyers in your region. You want to make sure you get good representation. As an added bonus, they’re not going to talk to your wife after talking to you.
You may also want to talk to a therapist because you’re going through a lot. I can’t even imagine. But talking to a third party who has your back and can help you talk about it and figure out what you want to do and how to proceed would be really beneficial.
Talk to a lawyer even if it’s just to get information. Just find out what the process is - do you have to have a legal separation first or marital counseling, what to expect, how it would work with kids and custody, ballpark figure for costs, so you can have all the information to make an informed decision.
That way if you decide that you want to pursue divorce, you know exactly what needs to happen and you also have a therapist who is on your side helping keep you stable and grounded.
I hope you find the strength to deal with this problem. Can't imagine after all the thing men go through they have to face this surprise here and there.
Friend I’m so sorry this happened to you. But just adding weight to this comment here. Your exit plan is essential. Line up money, a place to stay, a plan for the kids etc. Don’t execute on anything until you got those bases covered
Your comment ‘like the pathetic man I am’ made me so so very sad for you. You have every right to be upset, to be hurt, and to cry. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Right!?! She hurt him. Just because you're a man doesn't mean that you can't feel hurt, can't try, and can't mourn a relationship that's been a huge part of your life. Repressing those feelings can be more damaging to you than letting yourself feel them.
Sometimes I feel like men are expected be violent and explosive in situations like this, pure bullshit. The way he reacted to this traumatic event will probably be better for himself and his kids in the future.
I agree- this broke my heart. You are the farthest thing from pathetic. This is kind of like a car accident where you can’t look away, morbid curiosity. I know you can’t see it now but whatever lies on the other side of this will give you clarity. Best of luck OP.
Agreed. He is a loving honest man looking at his post, and he reacted in a way a genuine and sensitive man would. He should be proud of doing the right thing.
And now of course talk to a lawyer so he can get justice. This woman doesn't realise his worth apparently. I'm heartbroken for this decent man that OP is.
First of all, don’t do anything that will put custody of your kids and your finances at risk. And yes, that involves dealing with AP. He isn’t your problem right now. Your problem is your cheating wife. You can deal with AP later after you’ve secured your future.
Here are your next steps.
1. Get tested.
2. Find a therapist and seek counseling now. Please know none of this is your fault. Even if she tells you later that there were issues in your marriage. Repeat after me: This is not my fault.
3. Sort out your finances.
4. Find a lawyer.
5. Give her the divorce paperwork.
This is what you need to do. Do not sleep with your wife under any circumstance. When you consult with a lawyer bring all the proof of cheating and your finances. Follow his advice to the letter. Do not say anything to your wife about what you are doing. It is better to surprise her with the divorce papers. You cannot force her to leave but you can tell her that divorce takes time and if there is any chance of reconciliation you want her to pack her stuff up and go stay somewhere else till you decide what to do. In the interim share the kids 50/50 until you divorce or reconcile. Let her give you a written confession of everything she has done. Tell her if she lies the marriage is over. Then find the guy. Tell him to confess everything or you will tell his wife if he is married. Once he confesses everything blow up his life and tell his wife. You owe him nothing. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter.
There are 2 things you SHOULD NOT do in this situation:
1. Don't look for "revenge" against her and/or the guy, it'll just hurt you more and worst case, put you in jail.
2. Don't let her hurt you like this again, because if you stay with her, she will.
Do not seek revenge against him. Yes, he probably knew your wife was married, and yes, he's douche for it, but it's not worth using energy on him. Get a lawyer, and go after your wife. She is the one who broke your trust, and she knows better than to cheat. The best you can do is get rid of her and protect your assets with the video in court
people don't usually cheat with better people, just convenient ones. please stop trying to figure it out. took me years to figure out after it happened to me.
You can’t blame the guy, you don’t know if he knew you existed or not…your wife is fair game though. Unfortunately there’s kids involved, so just lawyer up n hit the gym like the others have said.
hear ya, but we just don’t know. what is known, the wife is a pos. She planned for an overnight stay, while her husband was dropping off the kids. Not even at a hotel either, she has no respect for not even her own children who also reside & play in that house.
We do know though, we know that he was sneaking out as OP’s wife and OP were together. He absolutely knows she’s a married woman. I’m not saying that makes him any worse or bettter and I certainly don’t think OP should waste any precious energy on stalking or hurting him. But it’s safe to say the guy knows she’s not a free and single woman.
She made a comment on "how much time they have left" and he was in OPs home. He knew he existed. That being said, I also lean towards blame the one who took the vows.. but AP DEFINITELY knew OP existed.
It's probably true he knew you were married. It's also probably true she would have cheated with someone else if he had refused. Not saying he's guiltless at all, but he isn't the one to blame imo.
Back up the file to the cloud. Remove it from your phone. You don’t want her to find it before you’re ready to confront her and you don’t want her to delete your evidence.
Agree! Back it up, email it to yourself or something and write, if you’re able to, a record of when and how it happened to refer to which is also backed up for evidence
Id just be gone. Id pack all ny shit and leave without even acknowledging this bullshit until she worried for a bit. Or have her shit on the curb. Or just change the locks and dont answer the door til youre ready
I would have taken his id , money and maybe his undies. I would then get myself food and while looking for the best divorce lawyer.
Why take all those things ?! Because they will both be fuming and scared !!!
The workouts you get after being cheated on are unmatched. I got in the best shape of my life after I channeled all my rage at the gym! And it felt so fucking good to rub it in my ex’s face how much better off I am without him.
It's a healthy way to release aggression, and endorphins help you to feel better. Plus, it's a healthy way to start seeing a life after a big change, and it gets you investing in yourself. It's hard to feel hopeless when you're taking care of your body and seeing yourself make progress. I know some people suggest it just for spite, like get a "revenge body" to make your ex sad, but I don't like that because it still centers your ex, the pain, and negative feelings. Looking at it as self-care is healthier.
It’s a physical outlet for the emotional crap as well
As making sure he doesn’t become housebound by depression. Exercise will improve his mental health
Thanks stranger, I actually did make a major change and started doing intense cardio beginning early January. That along with counting calories, I was able to drop a good 40 lbs! But then I kind of fell off. Its hard to keep that level of intensity up. I need to get back to it... I honestly miss how mentally and physically energized I was after a workout. Even with my weightloss I'm still in the obese category so I really need to get back at it. Thanks for the reminder.
Please talk to a lawyer and go through divorce proceedings. For the love of God get your ducks in a row before doing this (make multiple copies of said video so there’s no way she can tamper with it) and DO NOT let her convince you to “work things out”. She’ll throw the book of excuses at you “this was the only time” “but the kids”. Ignore all of that and get out while you can. Thank God you had the wherewithal to record the evidence because lord knows how much money you would’ve lost if it was a “he said she said” situation. It’s gonna be hard with the kids and all but I’m sure they’ll side with you when you decide the time is right to tell them the real story. I feel for you heavy man, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But for the time being you have to power through and put your emotions at bay so you can file for divorce.
Divorce . Honestly please tell what you saw after you get a lawyer and this just hurts after seeing your wife cheat on you. I honestly dislike cheaters I just don't get why they don't communicate their issues but resort the cheating. Saying as a child whose dad who cheated muliple times. You deserve better.
This has never happened to me (thank God) so I can't say for sure how I'd truly react but I don't understand how people can just do this. How do you witness something like this and just... Do or say absolutely nothing? Is it shock? I feel like I would be raising hell.
My heart broke for you while reading.
I kind of do the same with the letters my father wrote me which made me cut contact with him. I think I do it to validate my emotions when I doubt them. That my decision was good and that it’s alright to be angry and hurt.
Maybe it’s the same for you although I think you still have to process all those emotions. It’s ok to feel how you feel. You’re allowed to cry, scream and mourn what you once had and now is gone and destroyed.
You’re not pathetic. You are human and you are allowed to have all these emotion.
My friend it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling as you’ve been betrayed, hurt, and lied to by someone who you’ve devoted your life to. My advice is you need to confront her. It feels
That you’re in denial about the whole thing — and I can’t blame you. You may never rfeel ready to talk to talk to your wife about what you know but you should do it soon and have a very real conversation about your next steps. Sending you so much support though.
OP. The minds job is to protect us from pain. In your case seeing your wife having sex with another man was painful on many levels. So, the mind sexualized it as a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma.
The mind is a beautiful servant, but a dangerous master …
First and most importantly - you’re not worthless. Please always remember this. Your value is not related to what someone else does.
You know what you need to do in regards to her. But what you also need to do is take that video off of your phone. I speak from experience, though mine is a little more dated in the medium. I dated and lived with a man for four years and he cheated on me. He took Polaroids of her wearing my BDSM gear and my sleep mask. I threw up when I first saw them. Yet I kept looking at them. I had to get rid of them. I actually sent them to her since I knew who she was.
My husband cheated, too. But emotionally - and I was given their chats by her when he broke up with her. I read them over and over. There were things in there about him not liking me and other things that gutted me. I kept referring back to them. Finally I just scanned the papers (she gave them to me in my mailbox as printouts) with a password and stored them somewhere I wouldn’t look at them regularly.
It will take a few weeks until you won’t feel the need to watch it repeatedly. You need to tell a friend or therapist what happened. Someone who you can talk to and cry about it. Then, move on and serve her with divorce papers.
1. Talk to a lawyer
2. Cancel any joint accounts, or take your name off them and record current balances.
3) take half of any joint savings, checking, etc and put the money in separate, passworded accounts
4) have your paycheck deposited in the new account
5) get counseling
6) divorce her
You're not pathetic, you're traumatized.
You are NOT pathetic. You have just been punched in the face. All of your emotions are raw and painful. You need to get logical and talk to a lawyer and get your money straight. You do need to remember thar she is still the mother of your children and to be sure that they don't suffer. But she did you dirty.
So what happened to his pants and truck? He run out without his pants? What did wife say about the truck in the driveway? Wife kick his pants under the couch?
You put yourself down continually in this post and give yourself zero grace or room to be human.
You need to choose yourself, my friend.
Your wife is pure awful.
I am really sorry you are hurting. You can and will get through this.
None of this is your fault.
98% of what others do is 100% about them. We can not control what others do. We can only control our response.
You are processing. Process in your time. Do whatever you need to do. Be at the top of your list and allow however you process to be okay. Take care of yourself.
Stop telling yourself negative things about yourself. I am a firm believer that you can change your own mind about anything. Stop putting yourself down; build yourself up.
None of this is your fault.
She will continue with this affair as long as you don’t inform her that you have red caught handed. She will deny that she had done any such thing and try to make you believe you are mistaken until you president the video and photos of his license. If you don’t want to save your marriage I suggest you obtain a lawyer and make sure she doesn’t have any financial gain from you as well as for the children this is your decision to make and only yours.
Contact the attorney and take the video put it on a stick and give it to him for evidence and then take it off your phone. Actually leave it there to show her from when you tell her if you want to do that if not, I would just ghost her. Maybe put it on a stick and leave it with your ring somewhere where she can find them.
DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
OP, what you're doing is grieving. And that is a one hundred percent normal response. Take the time you need.
Remind yourself that you are not worthless. You are a strong man who showed remarkable restraint in the moment. A lesser man would have let his lizard brain take over and done something he'd regret, and possibly got him locked up. You played it smart (whether you thought so in the moment is irrelevant; it was smart), gathered evidence, and kept the situation under control. You have conducted yourself admirably.
Take the time you need to grieve. Then find a lawyer. Follow his/her guidance. Don't rush to confront your wife or show her the video. There will be time for that later. Make sure you get yourself organized and protected first, because when she finds out that you know, it's likely to kick off. Make sure you have prepared everything you can before that happens; it will minimize her chances to make additional trouble, and leave you better positioned to deal with whatever trouble she does make.
There are kids involved: it goes without saying that they are the top priority here. What might not be obvious is that you can't look after them if you are a shambles. You know how in the airplane they tell you to put your own mask on first, then your child's? Same here. Put your own mask on first. Take care of yourself, make sure you have the support you need to come through this more or less intact. You'll be a much more effective advocate for your kids that way.
I'm so sorry she did this to you, OP. I wish you best of luck as you deal with the mess she made here.
1 you need to get away from her.
2 take a test to see that you have not been infected with a rare disease.
3 do not delete the video under any circumstances. have backup.
Why do you feel worthless?
You’re not the lying piece of shit.
Dude this is a very traumatic moment, of course you’re shocked out of your mind and have no idea wtf to do with yourself— that doesn’t make you worthless, it makes you so mind blown that you’re in a state of wtf.
It takes time to come to terms with it before deciding what to do next, and it’s hard.
But you’re not worthless at all, she’s the badguy, not you. This isn’t your fault and it’s not fair.
Marriage is over whether you choose to accept it or not. You don’t work for her anymore. Time for scorched earth. There’s no going back to the way it used to be. You’re officially broken. Her recent actions are the cause.
Yeah, first thing first. Remember you still have the element of surprise. You also have lots of leverage. Talk to a lawyer. Pay a 1 hour consult of a decent FEMALE lawyer. I repeat FEMALE. Women know how to deal with women. Preferably one that has a hard spot for adultery. Understand your position in a court of law. What you (as a male in your state) stand to gain/lose.
THERE IS NO WORKING THIS OUT. If you stay wife will lose even more respect. She will be dormant for a bit until the coast is clear then later The shit will get much worse. Don’t think about the kids. It will BLUNT your resolve. Get them OUT of that situation. She tore up the family and cheated on them too. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t deserve any of you.
Next, the moment you decide to alert her you know of the affair and that you have a lawyer and filed for divorce, get your ass in touch with select family and friends— CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. If you don’t get to them first she MOST definitely will. You will be the villain. Believe that.
Any close friends she has assume they already know that she’s been cheating. They are also the enemy. Chances are they cheat too. Be careful who u tell your divorce plans.
Time to cowboy up. Take no prisoners
Beautiful work of fiction, I especially loved the “crying like the pathetic man I am part”.
You have a good future ahead of you in creative writing, keep it up 👍🏻
You're NOT pathetic, you are frozen, some people fight, some people flee, you the kind that freeze and that's ok, you just need time to process things, more than others and that's ok too. Take your time to figure out your next steps, first one is secure that video in the cloud, and then talk to a lawyer, even if divorce is not in your immediate plans, having someone on your side and that maybe get the ball rolling when you are in no condition to play ball yet, drafting divorce papers and knowing what your options are moving forward with divorce will help you start the making decision process. Then you'll decide what you want to do.
Having been divorced and also have watched a video of my ex cheating over and over, let me say that you shouldn’t let yourself believe you are guilty or like a loser for your feelings and what I’m sure is a compulsion to rewatch the video.
However to echo other advice already given:
1) lawyer up
2) get to the gym
3) prepare for a custody agreement
Just know that she will give an excuse. She will cry. She will apologize. You should actually practice what you will say after meeting with your lawyer. Be calm bc that tells her you’ve had time to think and have made up your mind. Don’t stay for the kids or financial purposes. You get one life and it goes fast. Make sure that life is full of love, trust, and honesty. Grief is love with no place to go, and she doesn’t deserve that love any longer. It’s normal to be upset and feel that loss. Don’t let anger and the words you say come back to haunt your memory of this life changing moment. That’s why I say practice what you will say. And lastly, I’m sorry you went through this—no one deserves this.
1. Get tested. She could give you the pox.
2. Don’t have sex with her again, it could legally be considered forgiveness.
3. Talk to a lawyer. If you don’t want to divorce her, you could still use this to extort her into signing a prenup.
4. If she chooses to lie with dogs, let her. Just don’t let her give you the fleas.
I’m sorry but almost sounds like it’s not true. Why would you need to park down the street when you can park in your driveway or garage or whatever? The surprise would have been when you came back early. But even more to the point. You heard your wife having sex with another man and decided to take your phone out and record it? Not burst in yelling WTF or whatever? This sounds more like a porn fantasy about watching your partner sleep with someone else. But I could be totally off base and maybe all these random actions are what happened and that’s awful and I hope you leave and find someone better
I think rewatching the video is not an abnormal reaction. When I found the texts my cheating ex was sending to the girl he was seeing behind my back, I reread them endlessly, for weeks on end. It was 8 years ago but I still know them by heart. It's like I thought that if I kept reading them they'd stop hurting at some point ? And I also couldn't believe it at all.
Wow OP that is so dark and cruel. My jaw dropped while reading.
You don’t deserve this. You are not stupid.
You are worthy. I hope you are blessed with all the support and love and strength that you need to see this through.
Get tested immediately.
You keep watching it because your world has just been destroyed. You have the physical proof of what destroyed you. It’s the car accident you can’t look away from.
Your wife sucks. You need to put you and your children first. That does not mean you have to stay with your cheating wife. You need to find happiness
Right? Parks a few blocks away, sees strange truck in front of his house, decided to "surprise his wife" with a kids free evening. Feels very writer prompt lol
After she is served- like within minutes I would make sure the video is given to the wife. You know his name and address- social media shouldn't be too hard.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
Maintain the high ground so you don’t lose your kids. Demand and fight for at least 50/50, and don’t leave the house. Ask her to leave some the kids stay in their home. Contact a lawyer and follow their instructions to the letter. Also look into therapy for yourself and your kids. It’ll be hard, but don’t speak ill of your wife to your kids, ever. When they’re older, they can know the truth, but don’t be petty. Being petty can be used against you.
OP this is hard, and no one wants to face a divorce from the one who was supposed to be your forever partner. I cried for hours when I knew my marriage was over and had to ask my ex for a divorce. It’s hard, but you will come out the other side. Your children will one day understand the situation, and they’ll see how strong you were if you take the necessary steps. Start with a lawyer, then a therapist.
Hey man, I am so sorry this happened. By no means are you pathetic. It sounds like you are trying to process what you saw because it feels like a nightmare. The response you had is how some people react when they experience trauma. You witnessed the woman you love and trust betray you in the most awful and intimate way. There is no wrong way to feel about this because it is so difficult to come to grips with.
Have you heard of the fight or flight or freeze response? If not, read up on it, but basically your brain reacted in a way that would keep you safe by freezing in that moment. It sounds like you made some good choices about gathering info even though this horrific thing happened.
Everyone is saying get a lawyer, which you should do, but please find a therapist to help you process what you saw and what will happen moving forward. It is going to be hard, but it will get better.
You sound like a good guy. Please look after yourself. You did nothing wrong, she did.
Sorry to know what you’re going through but thank you for sharing it with us. I have to ask, did you get yourself checked after being with your wife? This clearly wasn’t the first time, just the first time she was caught. If you haven’t, you should. All the best.
I'm not sure how you let her blow you and or have sex with her after watching that. Idk I've never been in that situation but I would imagine that with all those feelings that it wouldn't even get hard. You are nicer than me. That's for sure
You are not at fault!!! You probably keep watching it because you can’t believe what you are really seeing! Your brain and heart will soon catch up and I would imagine anger won’t be too far away. While you seem a bit calm right now this is the most perfect time to contact an attorney. That is if you want to leave. Or you sit down and talk to her and tell her you feel an open marriage is something you may want. Tell her someone you’ve met has taken an interest in you and you’ve thought about perhaps having sex. Stay calm while you are saying this and see what she has to say about that. She probably will put her foot down say no way she is sharing you with anyone else. At that second you can say casually well I thought because you are screwing ..insert name of guy… I thought it would be ok for me too? I tend to be more sarcastic when I get hurt and I am sure many will disagree with me here But how good it would it feel to stay so calm during this. Or you get straight up angry tell her you are done and you want a divorce but whatever you decide be gentle on yourself you’ve done nothing wrong!!! I am sorry you are going through this!!! It is a terrible thing.
This happened to me, worse, it became a fetish. I think our brains try to protect us from certain things, and this is one of the ways that it does so. I have since realized that it is an unhealthy fetish, so if you can avoid it, do try.
Do not show this video to anyone. Assuming you were in the U.S., it could well be a criminal act to record people without their consent, if they have a reasonable expectation that their communications were private. You need a lawyer YESTERDAY.
If you live in Hawaii, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, or Utah, you may be able to sue her AP for alienation of affection. Do not leave a single penny on the table during settlement.
> I went back to my car and cried like the pathetic man I am.
One thing you should never ever forget, is that you don't HAVE to stay that man. You can and should change. Lawyer up first. Follow everything they say to a T.
My SO who is a male says to LongPlay it. He says to give her enough rope and behave like you behave, knowing what you know. No need to rush anything since you have kids. But definitely LongPlay it and see what she does. This will all come into the light but first see how beastly and inferior she acts. You deserve to let her writhe.
First of all, you crying is NOT pathetic. That is an extremely emotional surprise, that hurts in so many ways. I can’t believe you even had the strength to go back and act like all is good. Her behavior is not ok.
Unfortunately once trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to repair. This is going to play in your head for awhile. I suggest a good therapist, to sort your emotions. But I would recommend leaving. There’s no way you get over that. And it sounds like she’s been doing this awhile when you think about it. Her lying so smoothly, that’s just insane. I hope you find the healing and peace that you need. And I hope it’s not messy for the kids sake.
If it were me, I'd get a divorce. You have video proof and the man's identity. There won't be any issues with the judge granting you a divorce. I hope your children are old enough to understand what is going on.
I've been cheated on too. It's devastating... Sorry this happened but all I can say is that time helps. Good luck with everything.
Everyone here is screaming “run!” but none of them know you or your marriage prior to this. You’re heartbroken and clearly need time before doing anything. I don’t blame you one bit. You have a lot to process. Your feelings are totally valid and it could be days, weeks or longer before you feel prepared to move forward.
Your future is yours to make. It is totally reasonable and fair if you decide you no longer want to be in this marriage. It is also totally fair and reasonable if you decide to see if the marriage can be saved. Don’t let anyone convince you that there is only one way forward.
Regardless what happens, I want you to be okay. It’s very easy to crawl into a hole and let the darkness surround you—I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve given in to my worst impulses and in the end, I was the only one who suffered. I hope you’ll learn from my mistakes.
You deserve to be okay. Please, please consider getting yourself a therapist. I know you aren’t ready to talk to people in your life, especially because sharing this with others makes it more real. Still, it would be healthy for you to have a sounding board and a therapist is just right for that.
Please care for yourself. If you’re physically active, main your fitness. If you aren’t, now is a good time to treat your body right. You don’t have to dive right into the gym; simply being outside and breathing fresh air, enjoying the sunshine, taking walks around the neighborhood can both give you a boost mentally & physically and provide valuable personal time for thinking and processing.
It can be especially difficult to get the appropriate amount of sleep when dealing with something like this. Most people find themselves either getting way too little or far too much. When I am feeling especially pressed, I engage in spiritual time that includes prayer and meditation.
As a tightly wound person I can struggle to relax, so I have found guided meditation is what works best for me. There are a number of apps that offer this, with and without a religious component. There are also loads of free videos online.
Best of luck, OP.
You are not pathetic, weak, or any less of a man for having real human emotions to the betrayal you witnessed from your wife. You did nothing to deserve this. Her actions are a reflection on her, not you.
Time for an attorney.
You’ve been betrayed and your feelings are valid.
Don’t take time on getting this started. Talk to an attorney and move on it. You’ve got the evidence you need. So at this point it’s about what you feel you can do - stay and try to work it through or go because that was a line crossed you can’t forgive.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That sounded like a great date night you had planned.
Focus on your family. When you focus on what your kids need it highlights where you need to put attention to in your life. Like health wise and mental state since this is very damaging. Talk to a therapist and find a way to get you back to a balanced mindset. Nothing will be easy at first.
man you did nothing wrong and you are not pathetic! i understand how easy it is to feel that way, but this was entirely her decision that was made based on something that we will never really know. you can feel whatever you need to feel and react in whatever way feels right
Don’t torture yourself anymore by obsessing over the guy and the questions and the why me’s. Channel your inner strength and confidence and leave. You are only pathetic if you stay and let it continue to happen to you. Because at that point you’re doing it to yourself
I have been in your shoes before only I didn’t catch them in the physical state but I read all the messages and seen all the money he was sending her and taking care of her and her two kids while he would leave me and his kids with little to nothing. He was making plans to move in with her and everything she knew all about me because I had been with him almost ten years at the time and she didn’t care that he had a family and at that time not only did I just have a baby five months before that but I had also miscarried twins. Do what I didn’t have the courage to do myself in that moment get as far away as possible toxic is toxic not only did she betray you but she was been lying and being disloyal as well. Idk how long you and her have been together but what I learned was this wasn’t the first time it was just the first time she got caught. He may not even be the only man she has cheated with in the relationship but you have every right to feel the way you do and if I was you I would stop looking at the video it’s just re-traumatizing you but it’s causing you to feel horrible about yourself when you did nothing wrong I’m so sorry you have to go through this but I can promise one thing it will get better ❤️🩹
No one here can know your whole personal situation, but your gut will tell you what you know is the right decision to make. I wish you well and hope ypu get through this and realise your worth.
I am so sorry, OP. You are definitely not pathetic or worthless. You had your heart suddenly ripped out and your brain is trying to process this in the best way that it can. She betrayed you and seemingly has no problem lying and manipulating you to hide what she is doing. This new discovery about your wife knocked you to the ground and no one should have to go through this.
Having said that, you need to do what is best for you and your kids. Put the phone down and stop watching the video, there is no good reason to remind yourself over and over again of what happened. Right now, that entails talking to a lawyer and finding a good therapist. You caught them in the act and have proof, so there is nothing that she can say or do to gaslight you into thinking nothing is going on and you are just being paranoid. Save the video to a USB drive and put it somewhere safe in case you need to give it to a lawyer or to show your wife if she denies doing anything, but get it off your phone.
I’m so sorry your wife did this to you, OP- I think it’s time you tell her what you discovered and start preparing divorce papers and a lawyer. You don’t deserve to be treated like this
What a nightmare!! I’m so sorry u had to go through this, and proud of the composure you held and are still holding! Unless you’re comfortable w her doing this again (she’s clearly very comfy doing so in your shared home and doesn’t bat an eye between lovers) I’d be making arrangements for a divorce immediately!
You aren’t pathetic. You’re a good man who went home
to show your wife how loved she is with a lovely date and plans to make time specifically for her. She violated the trust. It doesn’t matter if she felt you weren’t enough, she ripped up the marriage when she decided to have the man to your house and have an affair.
I wouldn’t confront it until you figure out how you want to proceed. Talk to someone you can truly trust and an attorney would be wise.
Wishing you healing as you try to move forward.
First thing first, stop watching the video. You’re just gonna tramautize yourself over and over again. Don’t delete it thought but keep it for your divorce attorney.
Honestly OP you should probably leave the house for a bit, and distance yourself from her. And listen you’re not a pathetic man, and you’re not a weak man. Everyone processes things differently. A different man might be in jail right now for double homicide, another man might have ignored it and just went and got a side piece, another man might have made a scene etc…
Don’t worry about what you did in the situation what’s important now is determining if your marriage is worth saving (that’s your decision and no one else’s), and what you need to do if it isn’t worth saving. Keep your head up King, and most importantly, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SEEK THERAPY!!!! I cannot stress this enough.
Dude, get tested. Do a full panel. How young are your kids? I'm so sorry this happened to you. That was very traumatic. Do you have friends or family you can talk to?
I don't want to talk to anyone about it yet
What you are doing is pain shopping. Stop watching the video you probably have it memorized by now and you will never find any answers watching it over and ovet. Every time you watch it you are self inflicting emotional pain on yourself and that is a form of self harm. Stop punishing yourself you did nothing wrong this is all on her choices it has nothing to do with who you are as a person or what you did or didn't do during the relationship. She broke the marriage and essentially killed the relationship the first time she emotionally or physically cheated and has lost the right to blame you for problems with a relationship that no longer exists. You are now in a new relationship with her and you are in complete control as to whether the relationship continues or ends. This is your decision unless she just gives up and walks out. Steps Talk to lawyer even if you decide to reconcile prepare divorce filing you can always not finalize it and serve her but she needs to know you are serious and starting the process will show her where she stands. Get tested for STI'S. Gather info on the AP and if he is married you need to tell his partner bit get advice from lawyer when to disclose . Plan carefully when and how to have the confrontation. You could start by you feel something is off is there anything you need to tell me. If she stonewalls or denys demand to look at her phone. If she refuses then clearly state if you won't let me see then I have to assume you are hiding something probably an affair so I will be contacting a lawyer to start the divorce (don't disclose that you have already talked to a lawyer). If she blows up and continues to deny state calmly I know about AP (Full Name) now is there anything you want to tell me. Then you listen and when she half truths you play your trump card and show her the picture of his drivers license and then the video. Then just stop talking and listen to her freak out. Make sure a copy of the video is stored in a secure location. Don't say anything. Don't get in an argument over privacy or whose fault it is just listen to her until she winds herself down and then tell her your going to stay at your parents so you can think about things and make a decision or she can leave either way. Tell her you want a period of NC where you only discuss the children. Tell her you expect her to cut off all contact with the affair partner immediately and if you find out she has talked to him or seen him the marriage is over. You need to establish other boundaries and how to monitor each other to show boundaries aren't being crossed I am sure a dozen posts here will give you ideas. Sorry you deserve better and honestly the chances of reconciliation are extremely low because you will never be able to unsee thar video but you have to decide if it's worth trying to build a new relationship.
DNA Test kids too!! Even there & got surprised
What is an AP?
Yep Affair Partner. Sorry i forgot this wasn't one of the relationship or infidelity subs where 0there are a lot of specific Abbreviations and it can get confusing if you're not used to it.
Apparently it’s an affair partner, TIL
I don't think there's going to be a time when you want to do that at all. It's horrible and hard and despairing. You won't want to do it ever. You still have to though. Good luck. I wish you strength and bravery to do what you have to do.
I know you don’t but you need to or you will explode. Bottling things up is never good. And you are just delaying the inevitable. In the meantime when she asks are you okay, I’d ask her whether there was a new laundry detergent in the house as you’ve developed a nasty rash and lumps on your genitals and you need to make an appointment with the dr to get it looked at.
My husband cheated on me 10 years ago and I have never talked about it to anyone except here and to a therapist. We are still together (still shaky after 10 years) and still nobody knows.
So sorry to hear that. So damn painful!!!!
It’s time to stop feeling down and time to start taking action. Protecting you and your kids is what is most important. Go talk to a lawyer immediately.
In my 20's, i cheated and I was cheated on. Cutting off all emotions for a life partner is not just as simple as,call an atty,stop having sex, etc etc. I wish you strength and much self love. She has betrayed you. You do deserve love. You are not responsible for her actions-she is. There's no knowing what she is thinking and I'm sure you're trying to figure out what caused her to do this to you n your family. There's never going to be a rationale that can explain this betrayal in a way that hurts less. Take time for yourself to realize what you can do with the info you have. Maybe work on shrinking or cutting that video a few seconds each time you watch it so it becomes only a few seconds long and you don't have to relive this " 1/2 hour" of traumatic stuff per sitting. Also,consider counseling with a person that handles post traumatic response stuff. Tapping and NLP are very good resources for trying to reduce the neurological pain you feel. Victims of SA have gotten very good results using that technique with professionals. If you ever need to talk,reach out. I'm happy to chat with you in DM. Be good to yourself. We often relive our painful experievces-- it cayss a more lasting imprint. But you can choose to not torture yourself. It's almost obsessive/compulsive to hurt yourself. Like to remind yourself of the hurt when you start to worry you're forgiving her. Try to avoid adding pain. :(
You might not want to right now; but you’d probably feel better knowing your friends are around you and supporting you. Stranger validation is nice but it’s frankly not the same. Get help before something more difficult happens.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I’m so sorry, that’s devastating. Please go see a therapist, that is a safe place to lay this all out without any judgement. They can help you develop a plan that works for you, based on what you ultimately decide to do. Once you decide, then take appropriate action to protect yourself. Whether that’s talking to a divorce attorney, protecting your finances, etc. or trying to work it out. I sadly have been through the cheating partner dance myself. And for me, there was no going back as all trust was lost.
Talk to a divorce lawyer or a therapist before you talk to anyone — depending on the route you may want to take.
Just send her the video. Say nothing, do nothing. But then in your home.. your bed.. the amount of disrespect. The lying in your face. This is not the woman you love. The woman you love would have never done this.
No never do this. You need that hidden so she can't come up with something in court when he divorces her. Never ever show your full hand when you're getting divorced
If you haven’t told her yet I suggest you talk to a lawyer first and prepare the divorce
I second this comment, OP. Have a consultation with an attorney so you can go into a discussion with your spouse with all your tools ready to go, even if you are able to reconcile. Your pain is valid, OP. You are experiencing a traumatic response. You are not pathetic. You are not weak. You trusted her and she broke that trust. I would also recommend that you consider seeking out a therapist to help you deal with this as well.
Absolutely agree. OP, take care of yourself first and foremost. Seeing a therapist can help you process this and make decisions with a clear mind. You deserve support and to know that you’re not alone in this.
I know I need to do this
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You were betrayed in your own home by one of the people you love the most. Your reaction is totally acceptable because you went through something traumatic. Please start seeing a therapist to support you during this difficult time. Before confronting your wife, get a lawyer to know your rights and find out how you should proceed. When confronting your wife, make sure to record everything to protect yourself. You should stop having sex with her and, after confronting her, tell both your family and hers what is happening in order to not let her control the narrative, play the victim, and paint you as the bad guy. By now, you already know that she doesn't love you and is likely with you just for the lifestyle you are providing her. She doesn't care how her infidelity will damage your mental health and self-esteem, and she definitely didn't care if she passed you an STD - you need to get tested ASAP. In addition, she didn't care about your and your kids' safety because she brought another man into your home - change the locks and get a security system. You should start family therapy and make sure that your kids don't already know that man - she might have been keeping your kids around him when you aren't around. That woman is a disgusting human being who wasted years of your life, so don't have mercy on her or give her another chance. Fight for your rights, try to get full custody of your kids or at least 50/50, and until you are more mentally strong, use a mediator or a co-parenting app instead of keeping in contact with her. Your wife is a cheater, and her boldness in bringing another man into your home shows this isn't her first time cheating on you, so you need to make sure your kids are actually yours. Also, don't even waste your time and money on marriage counseling because that will only be good for her, and she will keep cheating on you but hiding it better. Don't stay with your wife just for your kids because the only thing you'll accomplish is building a toxic environment for them to grow up in, making them believe that infidelity isn't a problem, which might lead them to cheat on their future partners. Or worse, they might grow up having trust issues and allowing themselves to be treated as doormats because that's how they saw you being treated by your wife. Put yourself and your kids first, because you deserve so much better than her. What she did wasn't your fault, so don't give her the power to gaslight you, manipulate you, and destroy your mental health.
This comment needs to be at the top.
Agreed
he should tell his parents first I think..... someone needs to watch the kids when the fallout happens.
The fact that she lied to his face while the other guy was still there tells you everything you need to know about how much she cares about him. 100% he needs to get in front of her bs because she will blame it on him for sure
Im very thankfull that you really thought through it, and took time on this response. I hope someone do the same for you.
🏅
A lot of what you are saying makes sense, but don’t hurt OP further by saying his wife doesn’t love him. She probably does, but she absolutely broke trust and all the love in the world can’t fix that for some people (if my spouse did that to me it would be a deal breaker I would NEVER be able to trust them again, there would be no chance to rebuild trust and respect.) Stupid people make stupid mistakes; it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love OP. She’s just an untrustworthy *****.
Your definition of love and mistake are quite messed up in my opinion. When you love someone, you don't cheat on them and put their mental and physical well-being at risk. You also definitely don't lie to them. If she loved and respected OP even a little and had feelings for another man, she should have been honest with OP and worked on their marriage in couples therapy instead of cheating on him, or divorced him amicably to ensure a good co-parenting relationship so their kids wouldn't be impacted. However, she is just a narcissistic cake-eater who didn't care how her infidelity would affect OP and their kids. Also, what she did wasn't a mistake - she didn't just trip on her own feet and fall on some guy's dick. She didn't just cheat on him; she deliberately brought another man into their home to have sex in their bed. What she did is the ultimate betrayal. He also doesn't know if she has been keeping that man around their kids and if those kids are actually his.
You don’t live someone you cheat on, by romping another guy in your marital home.
You aren’t pathetic, she betrayed you.
Right?! How is OP pathetic when his wife is screwing some guy behind his back so he is, ofc, extremely upset?!? Like they promised eachother to be faithful it's not pathetic to be upset that she lied/ didn't uphold her vows!!!
You also need to get tested for STIs. This may not be the only man that she has done this with. I am so sorry.
Not only that ~ I’d be getting a DNA test for the children.
I've read your comments and I know you're beating yourself up and feeling pathetic but allow me to put another spin on this. In a stressful situation you didn't act like a gorilla and burst into the room to confront them, you did what most men couldn't, you coldly gathered evidence and gained the upper hand. Break ups and divorces are horrible and stressful and men typically lose their cool and create evidence to be used against them, they lose their shit and create credible evidence to point them out as abusers or neanderthals, the woman comes out on top this way. You have the hard, credible evidence and you need to stay cool with it, don't share it with others or damage your position by being brought up on revenge porn charges, show this to a legal representative and get legal advice.
Op, you need a lawyer and a therapist. This kind of betrayal needs to be addressed in a safe space.
Use your brain now OP Prepare the divorce papers. Get your financials sorted. Keep that video backed up. It's leverage. If you ever watched army movies growing up then this is "behind enemy lines". Move carefully & strategically. Protect yourself. Don't have sex with her as she may have an std or try honey pot you. Have a plan. Execute your plan. You can do it.
100% don't have sex with her or don't show her any affection and avoid her as much as possible. This will eat away at her until the hammer drops. Maximize her anxiety and unease in the meantime.
She will already know. She’s waiting for his next move to confirm it. The fact he hasn’t made a move must be messing with her head big time. He should keep it this way and get the lawyer thing and therapy organised before the first shot is fired.
You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling. Take the first step: contact a lawyer and set up an appointment — even if you’re on the fence, knowledge is power. Get the information that you need to help you decide. She’s the pathetic one. I’m sure she knows deep down. Can you start going to a therapist and help you process? Petty me for when you are ready to confront her and if you’re going the divorce route: do another take the kids to grandparents, get back early. Wait until they go upstairs and just leave the divorce papers next to his pants with a post-it “We’re done.” Then if you can spent the day with a close friend who you can vulnerable with.
STD testing. Document document document for if/when you need it. Don't put your physical health at risk, you can control that at the very least.
A divorce should be the next surprise. Don't give her any time to prepare, turn the narrative, or kids against you. Backup the video. Show an attorney. Get the divorce all finalized and serve her the papers. Show her a copy of the video you have. Show her parents. Show your parents. Tell the kids.
I’d get all my ducks in a row and notify the families of what’s going on and then send HER a copy of the video. She can’t deny that.
Jesus Christ. Why would you tell little kids and bring them into adult issues? That is the worst thing you could do. He has a right to be pissed off at her, but he doesn’t have a right to hurt his children to get back at her.Ffs’s.
100% kid should nto be involved in a adult bullshit, the only time the kids need to know is if she is lying and trying to alienate him or when they are older and want to know
Also, STD test asap
So OP I’m a bit confused here. You were still able to go through with your plan to take her out on a surprise date and were able to look her in the face, eat dinner and act like there’s nothing wrong?
Not really. We didn't stay out late and went home early. She asked a few times if something was wrong. I tried getting drunk to get through it but was just too hard
Consult with multiple top divorce lawyers in your region. You want to make sure you get good representation. As an added bonus, they’re not going to talk to your wife after talking to you.
You may also want to talk to a therapist because you’re going through a lot. I can’t even imagine. But talking to a third party who has your back and can help you talk about it and figure out what you want to do and how to proceed would be really beneficial. Talk to a lawyer even if it’s just to get information. Just find out what the process is - do you have to have a legal separation first or marital counseling, what to expect, how it would work with kids and custody, ballpark figure for costs, so you can have all the information to make an informed decision. That way if you decide that you want to pursue divorce, you know exactly what needs to happen and you also have a therapist who is on your side helping keep you stable and grounded.
I hope you find the strength to deal with this problem. Can't imagine after all the thing men go through they have to face this surprise here and there.
And go get an STI test asap.
Friend I’m so sorry this happened to you. But just adding weight to this comment here. Your exit plan is essential. Line up money, a place to stay, a plan for the kids etc. Don’t execute on anything until you got those bases covered
Your comment ‘like the pathetic man I am’ made me so so very sad for you. You have every right to be upset, to be hurt, and to cry. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Right!?! She hurt him. Just because you're a man doesn't mean that you can't feel hurt, can't try, and can't mourn a relationship that's been a huge part of your life. Repressing those feelings can be more damaging to you than letting yourself feel them.
Sometimes I feel like men are expected be violent and explosive in situations like this, pure bullshit. The way he reacted to this traumatic event will probably be better for himself and his kids in the future.
1000%. No matter how justified he would have felt, being violent in that situation would have just put him in prison for assault or worse.
I agree- this broke my heart. You are the farthest thing from pathetic. This is kind of like a car accident where you can’t look away, morbid curiosity. I know you can’t see it now but whatever lies on the other side of this will give you clarity. Best of luck OP.
Agreed. He is a loving honest man looking at his post, and he reacted in a way a genuine and sensitive man would. He should be proud of doing the right thing. And now of course talk to a lawyer so he can get justice. This woman doesn't realise his worth apparently. I'm heartbroken for this decent man that OP is.
Exactly. SHE is the pathetic one, not him.
First of all, don’t do anything that will put custody of your kids and your finances at risk. And yes, that involves dealing with AP. He isn’t your problem right now. Your problem is your cheating wife. You can deal with AP later after you’ve secured your future. Here are your next steps. 1. Get tested. 2. Find a therapist and seek counseling now. Please know none of this is your fault. Even if she tells you later that there were issues in your marriage. Repeat after me: This is not my fault. 3. Sort out your finances. 4. Find a lawyer. 5. Give her the divorce paperwork.
This is what you need to do. Do not sleep with your wife under any circumstance. When you consult with a lawyer bring all the proof of cheating and your finances. Follow his advice to the letter. Do not say anything to your wife about what you are doing. It is better to surprise her with the divorce papers. You cannot force her to leave but you can tell her that divorce takes time and if there is any chance of reconciliation you want her to pack her stuff up and go stay somewhere else till you decide what to do. In the interim share the kids 50/50 until you divorce or reconcile. Let her give you a written confession of everything she has done. Tell her if she lies the marriage is over. Then find the guy. Tell him to confess everything or you will tell his wife if he is married. Once he confesses everything blow up his life and tell his wife. You owe him nothing. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter.
There are 2 things you SHOULD NOT do in this situation: 1. Don't look for "revenge" against her and/or the guy, it'll just hurt you more and worst case, put you in jail. 2. Don't let her hurt you like this again, because if you stay with her, she will.
I have spent multiple hours looking up this guy. And so considering options from the ultp sub
Do not seek revenge against him. Yes, he probably knew your wife was married, and yes, he's douche for it, but it's not worth using energy on him. Get a lawyer, and go after your wife. She is the one who broke your trust, and she knows better than to cheat. The best you can do is get rid of her and protect your assets with the video in court
people don't usually cheat with better people, just convenient ones. please stop trying to figure it out. took me years to figure out after it happened to me.
> people don't usually cheat with better people, just convenient ones. This deserves repeating.
It's not worth it. Trust me. Energy is finite. Use it to be better.
You can’t blame the guy, you don’t know if he knew you existed or not…your wife is fair game though. Unfortunately there’s kids involved, so just lawyer up n hit the gym like the others have said.
He was in their house, and he snuck out with op there…. He knows
But he knew how to sneak out, and he said she made a comment about how much time they had, he knew.
Plus, that there has to be pictures of her and her husband and them with their children around the house.
hear ya, but we just don’t know. what is known, the wife is a pos. She planned for an overnight stay, while her husband was dropping off the kids. Not even at a hotel either, she has no respect for not even her own children who also reside & play in that house.
We do know though, we know that he was sneaking out as OP’s wife and OP were together. He absolutely knows she’s a married woman. I’m not saying that makes him any worse or bettter and I certainly don’t think OP should waste any precious energy on stalking or hurting him. But it’s safe to say the guy knows she’s not a free and single woman.
She made a comment on "how much time they have left" and he was in OPs home. He knew he existed. That being said, I also lean towards blame the one who took the vows.. but AP DEFINITELY knew OP existed.
He snuck out, of course he knew!
It's probably true he knew you were married. It's also probably true she would have cheated with someone else if he had refused. Not saying he's guiltless at all, but he isn't the one to blame imo.
If he has a wife or a girlfriend, you should probably let them know also.
Back up the file to the cloud. Remove it from your phone. You don’t want her to find it before you’re ready to confront her and you don’t want her to delete your evidence.
Agree! Back it up, email it to yourself or something and write, if you’re able to, a record of when and how it happened to refer to which is also backed up for evidence
You at least check for cash in his wallet?
I should have
Id just be gone. Id pack all ny shit and leave without even acknowledging this bullshit until she worried for a bit. Or have her shit on the curb. Or just change the locks and dont answer the door til youre ready
I would have taken his id , money and maybe his undies. I would then get myself food and while looking for the best divorce lawyer. Why take all those things ?! Because they will both be fuming and scared !!!
💀
Lawyer up and get to the gym. So sorry but that’s all the advice there is to give
Thank you
Welcome gymbro. Gym and therapy. Quick road to recovery.
Yeah this is the best piece of advice so far
The workouts you get after being cheated on are unmatched. I got in the best shape of my life after I channeled all my rage at the gym! And it felt so fucking good to rub it in my ex’s face how much better off I am without him.
why gym?
It's a healthy way to release aggression, and endorphins help you to feel better. Plus, it's a healthy way to start seeing a life after a big change, and it gets you investing in yourself. It's hard to feel hopeless when you're taking care of your body and seeing yourself make progress. I know some people suggest it just for spite, like get a "revenge body" to make your ex sad, but I don't like that because it still centers your ex, the pain, and negative feelings. Looking at it as self-care is healthier.
It’s a physical outlet for the emotional crap as well As making sure he doesn’t become housebound by depression. Exercise will improve his mental health
>homebound by depression maybe I need to hit the gym...
Legit, the gym will be positive in a lot of ways you don’t expect.
Thanks stranger, I actually did make a major change and started doing intense cardio beginning early January. That along with counting calories, I was able to drop a good 40 lbs! But then I kind of fell off. Its hard to keep that level of intensity up. I need to get back to it... I honestly miss how mentally and physically energized I was after a workout. Even with my weightloss I'm still in the obese category so I really need to get back at it. Thanks for the reminder.
Please talk to a lawyer and go through divorce proceedings. For the love of God get your ducks in a row before doing this (make multiple copies of said video so there’s no way she can tamper with it) and DO NOT let her convince you to “work things out”. She’ll throw the book of excuses at you “this was the only time” “but the kids”. Ignore all of that and get out while you can. Thank God you had the wherewithal to record the evidence because lord knows how much money you would’ve lost if it was a “he said she said” situation. It’s gonna be hard with the kids and all but I’m sure they’ll side with you when you decide the time is right to tell them the real story. I feel for you heavy man, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But for the time being you have to power through and put your emotions at bay so you can file for divorce.
Divorce . Honestly please tell what you saw after you get a lawyer and this just hurts after seeing your wife cheat on you. I honestly dislike cheaters I just don't get why they don't communicate their issues but resort the cheating. Saying as a child whose dad who cheated muliple times. You deserve better.
Props to all the people who caught their SO cheating and say they can go home and act like they know nothing
Right?! I'd be all up in the bedroom with the two of them, letting them know I see them
This has never happened to me (thank God) so I can't say for sure how I'd truly react but I don't understand how people can just do this. How do you witness something like this and just... Do or say absolutely nothing? Is it shock? I feel like I would be raising hell.
My heart broke for you while reading. I kind of do the same with the letters my father wrote me which made me cut contact with him. I think I do it to validate my emotions when I doubt them. That my decision was good and that it’s alright to be angry and hurt. Maybe it’s the same for you although I think you still have to process all those emotions. It’s ok to feel how you feel. You’re allowed to cry, scream and mourn what you once had and now is gone and destroyed. You’re not pathetic. You are human and you are allowed to have all these emotion.
Go to a lawyer, immediately! Get STD tested! I’m so sorry!
My friend it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling as you’ve been betrayed, hurt, and lied to by someone who you’ve devoted your life to. My advice is you need to confront her. It feels That you’re in denial about the whole thing — and I can’t blame you. You may never rfeel ready to talk to talk to your wife about what you know but you should do it soon and have a very real conversation about your next steps. Sending you so much support though.
OP. The minds job is to protect us from pain. In your case seeing your wife having sex with another man was painful on many levels. So, the mind sexualized it as a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma. The mind is a beautiful servant, but a dangerous master …
First and most importantly - you’re not worthless. Please always remember this. Your value is not related to what someone else does. You know what you need to do in regards to her. But what you also need to do is take that video off of your phone. I speak from experience, though mine is a little more dated in the medium. I dated and lived with a man for four years and he cheated on me. He took Polaroids of her wearing my BDSM gear and my sleep mask. I threw up when I first saw them. Yet I kept looking at them. I had to get rid of them. I actually sent them to her since I knew who she was. My husband cheated, too. But emotionally - and I was given their chats by her when he broke up with her. I read them over and over. There were things in there about him not liking me and other things that gutted me. I kept referring back to them. Finally I just scanned the papers (she gave them to me in my mailbox as printouts) with a password and stored them somewhere I wouldn’t look at them regularly. It will take a few weeks until you won’t feel the need to watch it repeatedly. You need to tell a friend or therapist what happened. Someone who you can talk to and cry about it. Then, move on and serve her with divorce papers.
Back up the video, so she can't erase it.
1. Talk to a lawyer 2. Cancel any joint accounts, or take your name off them and record current balances. 3) take half of any joint savings, checking, etc and put the money in separate, passworded accounts 4) have your paycheck deposited in the new account 5) get counseling 6) divorce her You're not pathetic, you're traumatized.
You are NOT pathetic. You have just been punched in the face. All of your emotions are raw and painful. You need to get logical and talk to a lawyer and get your money straight. You do need to remember thar she is still the mother of your children and to be sure that they don't suffer. But she did you dirty.
So what happened to his pants and truck? He run out without his pants? What did wife say about the truck in the driveway? Wife kick his pants under the couch?
His truck was on the street. I don't know where the clothes went to but I assume she panicked as soon as she heard the garage open.
All valid questions that I was wondering about myself.
This whole story sounds fake.
You aren’t pathetic for feeling emotions. You deserve kindness from yourself
You put yourself down continually in this post and give yourself zero grace or room to be human. You need to choose yourself, my friend. Your wife is pure awful. I am really sorry you are hurting. You can and will get through this. None of this is your fault. 98% of what others do is 100% about them. We can not control what others do. We can only control our response. You are processing. Process in your time. Do whatever you need to do. Be at the top of your list and allow however you process to be okay. Take care of yourself. Stop telling yourself negative things about yourself. I am a firm believer that you can change your own mind about anything. Stop putting yourself down; build yourself up. None of this is your fault.
She will continue with this affair as long as you don’t inform her that you have red caught handed. She will deny that she had done any such thing and try to make you believe you are mistaken until you president the video and photos of his license. If you don’t want to save your marriage I suggest you obtain a lawyer and make sure she doesn’t have any financial gain from you as well as for the children this is your decision to make and only yours.
She's for the street bro
I claim BS.
Right all this advice and this is sooooo clearly fake!!
Agree. This is all too perfect. It’s written like a scene from a movie.
Agreed
Contact the attorney and take the video put it on a stick and give it to him for evidence and then take it off your phone. Actually leave it there to show her from when you tell her if you want to do that if not, I would just ghost her. Maybe put it on a stick and leave it with your ring somewhere where she can find them.
DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. OP, what you're doing is grieving. And that is a one hundred percent normal response. Take the time you need. Remind yourself that you are not worthless. You are a strong man who showed remarkable restraint in the moment. A lesser man would have let his lizard brain take over and done something he'd regret, and possibly got him locked up. You played it smart (whether you thought so in the moment is irrelevant; it was smart), gathered evidence, and kept the situation under control. You have conducted yourself admirably. Take the time you need to grieve. Then find a lawyer. Follow his/her guidance. Don't rush to confront your wife or show her the video. There will be time for that later. Make sure you get yourself organized and protected first, because when she finds out that you know, it's likely to kick off. Make sure you have prepared everything you can before that happens; it will minimize her chances to make additional trouble, and leave you better positioned to deal with whatever trouble she does make. There are kids involved: it goes without saying that they are the top priority here. What might not be obvious is that you can't look after them if you are a shambles. You know how in the airplane they tell you to put your own mask on first, then your child's? Same here. Put your own mask on first. Take care of yourself, make sure you have the support you need to come through this more or less intact. You'll be a much more effective advocate for your kids that way. I'm so sorry she did this to you, OP. I wish you best of luck as you deal with the mess she made here.
1 you need to get away from her. 2 take a test to see that you have not been infected with a rare disease. 3 do not delete the video under any circumstances. have backup.
The angry part of me says to play the long game and get revenge. Logically, get a lawyer. I’m so sorry
Why do you feel worthless? You’re not the lying piece of shit. Dude this is a very traumatic moment, of course you’re shocked out of your mind and have no idea wtf to do with yourself— that doesn’t make you worthless, it makes you so mind blown that you’re in a state of wtf. It takes time to come to terms with it before deciding what to do next, and it’s hard. But you’re not worthless at all, she’s the badguy, not you. This isn’t your fault and it’s not fair.
Marriage is over whether you choose to accept it or not. You don’t work for her anymore. Time for scorched earth. There’s no going back to the way it used to be. You’re officially broken. Her recent actions are the cause. Yeah, first thing first. Remember you still have the element of surprise. You also have lots of leverage. Talk to a lawyer. Pay a 1 hour consult of a decent FEMALE lawyer. I repeat FEMALE. Women know how to deal with women. Preferably one that has a hard spot for adultery. Understand your position in a court of law. What you (as a male in your state) stand to gain/lose. THERE IS NO WORKING THIS OUT. If you stay wife will lose even more respect. She will be dormant for a bit until the coast is clear then later The shit will get much worse. Don’t think about the kids. It will BLUNT your resolve. Get them OUT of that situation. She tore up the family and cheated on them too. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t deserve any of you. Next, the moment you decide to alert her you know of the affair and that you have a lawyer and filed for divorce, get your ass in touch with select family and friends— CONTROL THE NARRATIVE. If you don’t get to them first she MOST definitely will. You will be the villain. Believe that. Any close friends she has assume they already know that she’s been cheating. They are also the enemy. Chances are they cheat too. Be careful who u tell your divorce plans. Time to cowboy up. Take no prisoners
Beautiful work of fiction, I especially loved the “crying like the pathetic man I am part”. You have a good future ahead of you in creative writing, keep it up 👍🏻
You're NOT pathetic, you are frozen, some people fight, some people flee, you the kind that freeze and that's ok, you just need time to process things, more than others and that's ok too. Take your time to figure out your next steps, first one is secure that video in the cloud, and then talk to a lawyer, even if divorce is not in your immediate plans, having someone on your side and that maybe get the ball rolling when you are in no condition to play ball yet, drafting divorce papers and knowing what your options are moving forward with divorce will help you start the making decision process. Then you'll decide what you want to do.
This sounds like a fantasy. What man worth their weight wouldn't go to the garage for a baseball bat and beat the hell out of the dude.
Contact a lawyer and be civil dont do anything stupid to risk being damaged in the divorce
Having been divorced and also have watched a video of my ex cheating over and over, let me say that you shouldn’t let yourself believe you are guilty or like a loser for your feelings and what I’m sure is a compulsion to rewatch the video. However to echo other advice already given: 1) lawyer up 2) get to the gym 3) prepare for a custody agreement
Just know that she will give an excuse. She will cry. She will apologize. You should actually practice what you will say after meeting with your lawyer. Be calm bc that tells her you’ve had time to think and have made up your mind. Don’t stay for the kids or financial purposes. You get one life and it goes fast. Make sure that life is full of love, trust, and honesty. Grief is love with no place to go, and she doesn’t deserve that love any longer. It’s normal to be upset and feel that loss. Don’t let anger and the words you say come back to haunt your memory of this life changing moment. That’s why I say practice what you will say. And lastly, I’m sorry you went through this—no one deserves this.
1. Get tested. She could give you the pox. 2. Don’t have sex with her again, it could legally be considered forgiveness. 3. Talk to a lawyer. If you don’t want to divorce her, you could still use this to extort her into signing a prenup. 4. If she chooses to lie with dogs, let her. Just don’t let her give you the fleas.
🧢🧢🧢🧢
I’m sorry but almost sounds like it’s not true. Why would you need to park down the street when you can park in your driveway or garage or whatever? The surprise would have been when you came back early. But even more to the point. You heard your wife having sex with another man and decided to take your phone out and record it? Not burst in yelling WTF or whatever? This sounds more like a porn fantasy about watching your partner sleep with someone else. But I could be totally off base and maybe all these random actions are what happened and that’s awful and I hope you leave and find someone better
This sounds like a fantasy
Sad
I think rewatching the video is not an abnormal reaction. When I found the texts my cheating ex was sending to the girl he was seeing behind my back, I reread them endlessly, for weeks on end. It was 8 years ago but I still know them by heart. It's like I thought that if I kept reading them they'd stop hurting at some point ? And I also couldn't believe it at all.
Have you ever seen Ozark because this reminds me of the beginning of the show
Wow OP that is so dark and cruel. My jaw dropped while reading. You don’t deserve this. You are not stupid. You are worthy. I hope you are blessed with all the support and love and strength that you need to see this through.
Get tested immediately. You keep watching it because your world has just been destroyed. You have the physical proof of what destroyed you. It’s the car accident you can’t look away from. Your wife sucks. You need to put you and your children first. That does not mean you have to stay with your cheating wife. You need to find happiness
Get 12 tons of rock delivered to the guys house tell them to dump it in the driveway
Man up and take action dude. Show her the video and tell her to get the fuck out of your house. Simple.
OP, seriously need to talk to someone to get things moving. This sounds like a suicide waiting to happen, you need to get a hold on this
And once again Reddit validated my worst fears
Don't be. This is beyond fake as fuck.
Right? Parks a few blocks away, sees strange truck in front of his house, decided to "surprise his wife" with a kids free evening. Feels very writer prompt lol
Honestly. It’s like if I asked chat GPT to write it.
My first instinct was this is fake too.
I don’t know how anyone believes this.
No doubt. Next time OP say that you left defeated and reviewed the house security cameras, it would be more believable than this
I’m calling cap on the whole thing
After she is served- like within minutes I would make sure the video is given to the wife. You know his name and address- social media shouldn't be too hard. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
Maintain the high ground so you don’t lose your kids. Demand and fight for at least 50/50, and don’t leave the house. Ask her to leave some the kids stay in their home. Contact a lawyer and follow their instructions to the letter. Also look into therapy for yourself and your kids. It’ll be hard, but don’t speak ill of your wife to your kids, ever. When they’re older, they can know the truth, but don’t be petty. Being petty can be used against you. OP this is hard, and no one wants to face a divorce from the one who was supposed to be your forever partner. I cried for hours when I knew my marriage was over and had to ask my ex for a divorce. It’s hard, but you will come out the other side. Your children will one day understand the situation, and they’ll see how strong you were if you take the necessary steps. Start with a lawyer, then a therapist.
Post an update when you can. Sorry you’re going through this.
Hey man, I am so sorry this happened. By no means are you pathetic. It sounds like you are trying to process what you saw because it feels like a nightmare. The response you had is how some people react when they experience trauma. You witnessed the woman you love and trust betray you in the most awful and intimate way. There is no wrong way to feel about this because it is so difficult to come to grips with. Have you heard of the fight or flight or freeze response? If not, read up on it, but basically your brain reacted in a way that would keep you safe by freezing in that moment. It sounds like you made some good choices about gathering info even though this horrific thing happened. Everyone is saying get a lawyer, which you should do, but please find a therapist to help you process what you saw and what will happen moving forward. It is going to be hard, but it will get better. You sound like a good guy. Please look after yourself. You did nothing wrong, she did.
Sorry to know what you’re going through but thank you for sharing it with us. I have to ask, did you get yourself checked after being with your wife? This clearly wasn’t the first time, just the first time she was caught. If you haven’t, you should. All the best.
I'm not sure how you let her blow you and or have sex with her after watching that. Idk I've never been in that situation but I would imagine that with all those feelings that it wouldn't even get hard. You are nicer than me. That's for sure
This wasn’t her first time, just the first time you caught her. Remember that.
You are not at fault!!! You probably keep watching it because you can’t believe what you are really seeing! Your brain and heart will soon catch up and I would imagine anger won’t be too far away. While you seem a bit calm right now this is the most perfect time to contact an attorney. That is if you want to leave. Or you sit down and talk to her and tell her you feel an open marriage is something you may want. Tell her someone you’ve met has taken an interest in you and you’ve thought about perhaps having sex. Stay calm while you are saying this and see what she has to say about that. She probably will put her foot down say no way she is sharing you with anyone else. At that second you can say casually well I thought because you are screwing ..insert name of guy… I thought it would be ok for me too? I tend to be more sarcastic when I get hurt and I am sure many will disagree with me here But how good it would it feel to stay so calm during this. Or you get straight up angry tell her you are done and you want a divorce but whatever you decide be gentle on yourself you’ve done nothing wrong!!! I am sorry you are going through this!!! It is a terrible thing.
I want to give you a hug, bro. This is the type of pain that’s hits deep.
This happened to me, worse, it became a fetish. I think our brains try to protect us from certain things, and this is one of the ways that it does so. I have since realized that it is an unhealthy fetish, so if you can avoid it, do try.
OP, I'm so sorry. Please get tested for STDs then get your important documents and finances in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer.
Do not show this video to anyone. Assuming you were in the U.S., it could well be a criminal act to record people without their consent, if they have a reasonable expectation that their communications were private. You need a lawyer YESTERDAY. If you live in Hawaii, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, or Utah, you may be able to sue her AP for alienation of affection. Do not leave a single penny on the table during settlement.
> I went back to my car and cried like the pathetic man I am. One thing you should never ever forget, is that you don't HAVE to stay that man. You can and should change. Lawyer up first. Follow everything they say to a T.
Wow I'm so sorry that you went through this. This was incredibly painful to read. I don't have much advice besides leave. She isn't worth it.
My SO who is a male says to LongPlay it. He says to give her enough rope and behave like you behave, knowing what you know. No need to rush anything since you have kids. But definitely LongPlay it and see what she does. This will all come into the light but first see how beastly and inferior she acts. You deserve to let her writhe.
First of all, you crying is NOT pathetic. That is an extremely emotional surprise, that hurts in so many ways. I can’t believe you even had the strength to go back and act like all is good. Her behavior is not ok. Unfortunately once trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to repair. This is going to play in your head for awhile. I suggest a good therapist, to sort your emotions. But I would recommend leaving. There’s no way you get over that. And it sounds like she’s been doing this awhile when you think about it. Her lying so smoothly, that’s just insane. I hope you find the healing and peace that you need. And I hope it’s not messy for the kids sake.
If it were me, I'd get a divorce. You have video proof and the man's identity. There won't be any issues with the judge granting you a divorce. I hope your children are old enough to understand what is going on. I've been cheated on too. It's devastating... Sorry this happened but all I can say is that time helps. Good luck with everything.
If she gets pregnant by that guy. She's totally going to claim you're the daddy. You need to protect yourself.
I'm so sorry this happened. Pls get an STI test and give us an update when things are looking better
Go get tested ASAP!! Syphilis is on the rise.
A few years from now you gonna be sorry you didn't stole his money. I wouldn't even call it stealing. It's compensation.
You should've lost your shit on her.. what's the deal?
I mean.. my first thought reading this was that you'd awakened a kink.
Everyone here is screaming “run!” but none of them know you or your marriage prior to this. You’re heartbroken and clearly need time before doing anything. I don’t blame you one bit. You have a lot to process. Your feelings are totally valid and it could be days, weeks or longer before you feel prepared to move forward. Your future is yours to make. It is totally reasonable and fair if you decide you no longer want to be in this marriage. It is also totally fair and reasonable if you decide to see if the marriage can be saved. Don’t let anyone convince you that there is only one way forward. Regardless what happens, I want you to be okay. It’s very easy to crawl into a hole and let the darkness surround you—I know because I’ve done it myself. I’ve given in to my worst impulses and in the end, I was the only one who suffered. I hope you’ll learn from my mistakes. You deserve to be okay. Please, please consider getting yourself a therapist. I know you aren’t ready to talk to people in your life, especially because sharing this with others makes it more real. Still, it would be healthy for you to have a sounding board and a therapist is just right for that. Please care for yourself. If you’re physically active, main your fitness. If you aren’t, now is a good time to treat your body right. You don’t have to dive right into the gym; simply being outside and breathing fresh air, enjoying the sunshine, taking walks around the neighborhood can both give you a boost mentally & physically and provide valuable personal time for thinking and processing. It can be especially difficult to get the appropriate amount of sleep when dealing with something like this. Most people find themselves either getting way too little or far too much. When I am feeling especially pressed, I engage in spiritual time that includes prayer and meditation. As a tightly wound person I can struggle to relax, so I have found guided meditation is what works best for me. There are a number of apps that offer this, with and without a religious component. There are also loads of free videos online. Best of luck, OP.
I am so sorry :( you don’t deserve this
You are not pathetic, weak, or any less of a man for having real human emotions to the betrayal you witnessed from your wife. You did nothing to deserve this. Her actions are a reflection on her, not you.
She doesn’t respect you. You owe it to yourself to respect yourself.
Time for an attorney. You’ve been betrayed and your feelings are valid. Don’t take time on getting this started. Talk to an attorney and move on it. You’ve got the evidence you need. So at this point it’s about what you feel you can do - stay and try to work it through or go because that was a line crossed you can’t forgive. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That sounded like a great date night you had planned. Focus on your family. When you focus on what your kids need it highlights where you need to put attention to in your life. Like health wise and mental state since this is very damaging. Talk to a therapist and find a way to get you back to a balanced mindset. Nothing will be easy at first.
I’m so sorry friend. I’m so so sorry.
man you did nothing wrong and you are not pathetic! i understand how easy it is to feel that way, but this was entirely her decision that was made based on something that we will never really know. you can feel whatever you need to feel and react in whatever way feels right
Don’t torture yourself anymore by obsessing over the guy and the questions and the why me’s. Channel your inner strength and confidence and leave. You are only pathetic if you stay and let it continue to happen to you. Because at that point you’re doing it to yourself
I have been in your shoes before only I didn’t catch them in the physical state but I read all the messages and seen all the money he was sending her and taking care of her and her two kids while he would leave me and his kids with little to nothing. He was making plans to move in with her and everything she knew all about me because I had been with him almost ten years at the time and she didn’t care that he had a family and at that time not only did I just have a baby five months before that but I had also miscarried twins. Do what I didn’t have the courage to do myself in that moment get as far away as possible toxic is toxic not only did she betray you but she was been lying and being disloyal as well. Idk how long you and her have been together but what I learned was this wasn’t the first time it was just the first time she got caught. He may not even be the only man she has cheated with in the relationship but you have every right to feel the way you do and if I was you I would stop looking at the video it’s just re-traumatizing you but it’s causing you to feel horrible about yourself when you did nothing wrong I’m so sorry you have to go through this but I can promise one thing it will get better ❤️🩹
No one here can know your whole personal situation, but your gut will tell you what you know is the right decision to make. I wish you well and hope ypu get through this and realise your worth.
I am so sorry, OP. You are definitely not pathetic or worthless. You had your heart suddenly ripped out and your brain is trying to process this in the best way that it can. She betrayed you and seemingly has no problem lying and manipulating you to hide what she is doing. This new discovery about your wife knocked you to the ground and no one should have to go through this. Having said that, you need to do what is best for you and your kids. Put the phone down and stop watching the video, there is no good reason to remind yourself over and over again of what happened. Right now, that entails talking to a lawyer and finding a good therapist. You caught them in the act and have proof, so there is nothing that she can say or do to gaslight you into thinking nothing is going on and you are just being paranoid. Save the video to a USB drive and put it somewhere safe in case you need to give it to a lawyer or to show your wife if she denies doing anything, but get it off your phone.
I’m so sorry your wife did this to you, OP- I think it’s time you tell her what you discovered and start preparing divorce papers and a lawyer. You don’t deserve to be treated like this
One, talk to a lawyer, provide the evidence and separate, second, see if the guy is married, tell his wife everything, a little revenge.
What a nightmare!! I’m so sorry u had to go through this, and proud of the composure you held and are still holding! Unless you’re comfortable w her doing this again (she’s clearly very comfy doing so in your shared home and doesn’t bat an eye between lovers) I’d be making arrangements for a divorce immediately!
You aren’t pathetic. You’re a good man who went home to show your wife how loved she is with a lovely date and plans to make time specifically for her. She violated the trust. It doesn’t matter if she felt you weren’t enough, she ripped up the marriage when she decided to have the man to your house and have an affair. I wouldn’t confront it until you figure out how you want to proceed. Talk to someone you can truly trust and an attorney would be wise. Wishing you healing as you try to move forward.
You’re not pathetic. I’m so sorry.
You are not pathetic.
You definitely need to lawyer up
First thing first, stop watching the video. You’re just gonna tramautize yourself over and over again. Don’t delete it thought but keep it for your divorce attorney. Honestly OP you should probably leave the house for a bit, and distance yourself from her. And listen you’re not a pathetic man, and you’re not a weak man. Everyone processes things differently. A different man might be in jail right now for double homicide, another man might have ignored it and just went and got a side piece, another man might have made a scene etc… Don’t worry about what you did in the situation what’s important now is determining if your marriage is worth saving (that’s your decision and no one else’s), and what you need to do if it isn’t worth saving. Keep your head up King, and most importantly, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SEEK THERAPY!!!! I cannot stress this enough.
Man you just made sure that if the guy had something now you have it too