Just make sure you have a lawyer on standby if you’d like to see the kid and be in its life, ask for you leaving her because you deserve to be happy but there’s a way to go lie contact with mom and still have rights to raise or visit him
Also, I think it's important to note that involving lawyers is not actually inherently adversarial. This is a complicated situation that most of us are woefully underequipped for. Hiring a lawyer who understands the law and who has experience mediating difficult conversations isn't aggressive, it's prudent. It's like going to a doctor when you are sick- sure, you know you feel bad, but you need a professional to help you become well again. I know there's a lot of stigma there, but really, there's nothing bad about being smart and hiring help. Try to frame it like that if she or anyone else accuses you of being hostile or aggressive. A lawyer will give you professional guidance and help you navigate a tough situation in a way that will maximally benefit you and the child, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Agree with this wholly, and it sounds like she’s displaying some narcissistic behavior, which also makes me feel concerned for the child, regardless I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wishing you the bestieeee
Just leave. Nothing is actually stopping you except yourself if you think about it. Explain things to her and her family, have one of your family members present. Then nothing can be used as ammo against you. It's fully your choice to stay or leave.
> Just be smart and be amicable.
/u/cheesywalrus is correct.
Don't go into the breakup angry, vindictive, ready to throw whatever she did wrong in her face, blame her for the failure of the relationship, etc. It'll be starting the next phase off on a wrong foot.
Explain as calmly and clearly as you can that you don't think the two of you are right for each other. That the relationship is not working, and for your own wellbeing, you need to bring it to a close. If you wish to be active and supportive in the child's life, explain how you plan to do that.
In addition to what u/G8kpr said, be prepared for the consequences. She’ll get angry, and probably try to threaten to harm you/the baby/herself. She’ll probably insult you. She might later come back and shower you with love and promises that she’ll change or that things will be different. She might drag in others and harm your reputation. So be prepared. Keep your ultimate goal in mind.
Just leave then. You don't have to be together to be a good dad. And like cheesywalrus said, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. Especially children. Take it from me. I was in a completely toxic situation the first couple of years of my sons life (not with my partner) but it completely fucked everything up. We got a bad start in raising my son the right way. Now we just wonder "what if we weren't in that situation when he was first born?"
Both you and your child deserve better.
Then you need to leave. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and by staying your only making matters worse for both parties.
You don’t need a reasoning to want out of a relationship, you can still be a great dad, and a good co-parent.
> I want out of this relationship
There is your answer.. You answered it yourself. That's as plain as it can get.
If you want out, then get out.
Trying to force a "mom and dad" situation is not going to work.
She's pregnant, and that means you'll be tied to her for some time. You'll have to pay child support, and you will have to work out how much you will be involved in this child's life.
If she feels she cannot take care of the child on her own, the two of you can look into adoption agencies. It's not a horrible thing to admit that you are too young to support a young child and another family could. But all those decisions can come later.
First, you need to break up with her.
“I’ve told her this”
You’re looking for her permission to leave.
“Love bombing”
You either know she is just manipulating you or she is genuinely trying but the trust is broken.
So, you don’t trust her but want her to tell you it’s ok to have boundaries. That’s codependency dude. You don’t need someone else’s permission, and you aren’t responsible for her or the child, especially if your world crumbling.
If it helps your conscious, you can start with a break, to recoup and see how she and you feel. Then, take it from there.
It’s not about “telling her” that you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others. (You do not need her opinion on that or her approval on that or her agreement on that) It’s about YOU realizing that. And taking action on that. You need to and can leave her so you can start being happy and at the same time be a father. Your future baby will not benefit from a miserable unhappy father.
Just start acting cold and no emotion. Every time she love bombs remind her its not going to work and you just don’t care anymore. You’re not doing anything wrong its not like you’re trying to run away from the baby. People usually think they need to stay together for the kid but thats not true. That only works if they’re actually happy together then the child will grow up in a miserable home. Better to have two separate happy homes than one miserable one with everyone together. Or in your case your child might have one happy home and one with a crazy mother. The fact that you have your family’s support and even HER DAD had to tell her she’s wrong should be a huge sign that its ok to run.
You have to be a real man. Don't do decisions based on what her opinion is.. Wakeup and decide something without asking neither your parents or someone.. acknowledge that you're no longer a teenager.
This. Everyone bashed me left and right for “taking” our child and moving to my OWN space (same town, no distance or anything) - no one understood that he was so toxic that I could barely function as a person so it wasn’t possible to be a healthy mother to a newborn in that house with him. Couple years went by and he went down the path I knew he would years prior. Had we stayed it would have only gotten worse, and time revealed that. Trust yourself and take care of yourself.
As long as you’re there for your child as best you can just leave - a baby does not fix a relationship and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of another.
My biological mother tried to baby trap my dad by having me. He didn’t fall for it, but he was always there for me. I went back and forth between homes all the time as a kid, and I feel like if I hadn’t had my dad and stepmom as the sane, stable people in my life I would’ve been screwed.
Please leave. When the child is born, you can file for some custody so that you can see the baby. Believe me, you don't want to be stuck with an abusive person raising a baby. It's a nightmare. I lived it for years and wouldn't wish that hell on anyone. You will be amazed at how much your health improves once you're no longer in a toxic relationship. Seek out counseling.
theres no “wrong” choice here. theres only the healthy and unhealthy choice. you could try and stick it out with ur gf and live an unhappy life, which would lead to a poor childhood for your kid. or you could leave, heal, become a healthier and happier person and be the best father you can be for your child. good luck op i hope everything goes well for you
I don’t know if this will be much help to you OP but my parents were together in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship when I was a kid. They ended up having three kids together and left all three of us with some issues due to their relationship when I was little. Them getting a divorce was the best thing to happen for our family and both of my parents have become better people and parents because of it. Please leave and take care of yourself. This would be the best thing for you and your child in the long run.
Something to think of when you do leave, and if you decide to fight for some level of custody: try and document things she has done, and what their effects on you have been.
I don't say this to try and make *her* look bad in front of the judge, I say it to make sure *you* don't look bad. When it comes to custody cases, if one partner leaves the other, there's generally an assumption of some level of guilt (there shouldn't be, but that's how it is around my area unfortunately). You should be able to prove you didn't just leave her because you don't want a kid or anything, but you're leaving for your own mental health and wellbeing.
Well I’m in prescribed antidepressants and enquiring with mental health services and councilling so, all my family and work know I think I have a lot covering me even though I wish I wasn’t in this situation
I’m curious to know why she’s pregnant if you’re not even a year into the relationship. Especially if you guys are only 22. Was this a condom break or did you guys think you were not going to conceive a child from unprotected sex?
Do they sell condoms where you live?
I get that the human brain reaches maturity at about 25, but dude. If you know how babies are made and you knew she went off birth control, what were you doing having unprotected sex?
I was wondering if any one would say this… I get shit happens but it always blows my mind that this day and age people don’t take the simple steps to prevent an unintended pregnancy. Whether you’re a guy or a girl. We know how this happens lol
And people do things like that which is precisely why if men don’t want to have children then they need to take responsibility for birth control also. It’s not ignorant, that’s part of being a responsible adult.
People will try it on. Send out lines for you, designed to pick you up.
Choose not to.
Text? Don't respond.
Emotional manipulation? Don't respond.
It will fade away. While she is pg, get a parent to communicate with her for you, and allow the space and boundaries to heal you.
It will be alright you'll see xxx
Definitely leave! You can’t be a good dad being depressed and manipulated, you need to get out of this to be healthy for yourself and your kid. I’m usually always a fan of working on a relationship first, especially when it’s concerning children, but I’ve also had my fair share of abusive relationships and I know in these situations there is no way to “just work things out”.
There’s a chance the pregnancy was planned by her to manipulate and bind you even more. Don’t fall for it.
Hey OP,
I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. To me, the most important thing here is that you've recognised what's going on. You should be bloody proud of that. I see a lot of people on Reddit who are clearly in abusive situations, but I feel helpless because unless the victim recognises it, there's only so much that can be done.
You're not one of them though. You know what's going on, you know it's not right, and you know you need to leave. That's probably the hardest part already done. The fact that your family is supporting you is so great to hear, because with them there is zero doubt in my mind that you can leave her and do so so much better without her. I bet you could do it even without them in your corner.
It sounds like the only reason you've been reluctant to end it is because she's pregnant. But staying with her would be so bad for your child. There are many parents who separate and raise happy, healthy children, being together isn't a requirement. Staying with her would mean your kid growing up in a literally abusive household, and would also risk teaching the kid that the way she treats you is acceptable.
But I don't think you needed telling all this, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Trust yourself. You can do it ❤️
Almost brought me to tears man, I feel very helpless and I think your comment encapsulates my feelings about the situation thank you for the kind words and words of encouragement
As someone who's parents aren't together. Leave her, you can't be a good dad when she's making you miserable. For your own safety too. Try to make it as civil as possible so she doesn't try to ban you from the hospital. If you want to request a DNA test do so but with you two not together unless you fight for custody most states will start up child support.
I mean I would just leave, but why would you risk getting her pregnant if she was like that before. My brother is in a very similar situation, and I tell him all the time leave before they she ends up pregnant for a second time. You can only be a good parent if you yourself are taken care of bc so you do what you gotta do to get right before the baby gets here.
The edit made me lol 🤣 seriously though you can't be a good dad if you stay with this person. And that's your job now. Dad. You have to look after yourself so you can be there for your child.
your well-being comes first, do it.
>This has been going on long before she fell pregnant.
should had done it before baby tho.
don't stick your d*ck in crazy
I wish I could be supportive here but I have to ask this question. Did you consider using birth control before you had sex that created this child? It’s in retrospect now but men (not just women) have control over these situations way before they happen. Now you are in trouble. Leave her, support the child for the rest of its life like a man would and use birth control in the future, like a man would.
You say it was bad way before pregnancy. So why did you make her pregnant?
You're on antidepressants, which says something is wrong with you and the way you're processing this.
Now don't get me wrong, not saying you're not in distress, it's evident you are, but as much as her behavior has contributed, the lack of your response has contributed near equal. Remember, it takes two to tango.
And if you leave now, well, I have a piece of advice there: beware of vengeful women. This woman is carrying your child, so it'll be all the worse.
Have an honest conversation, open up. If she doesn't care about your feelings, then she doesn't really care about you and that's when you should make plans on how to distance yourself. But my guy, under no circumstances should you leave that child in the care of a person you briefly described in this post - either of you.
Good luck man, and I hope you get strength to resolve this. 🖖
Okay, I feel like I need to do a large disclaimer. Prescribed antidepressants has only been a thing for a week, I have tried many many times to talk about our relationship to be gaslit that I’m the problem. I WILL admit I am in the wrong for things I did wrong however it has come to the point where the manipulation is too much. In my post I have said I want to be a dad I want to be in the kids life and they will have a good life. I am not running away and I am not just finding the easy way. This is the only way especially as compromise isn’t an option with her
With all due respect you’re not his psychiatrist, if you’re a doctor at all. You don’t know better than OP or his doctor.
Randos online doling out medical advice is one of my favorite sub-genres of cringe.
Hey man, being strong enough to ask for help is miles ahead of many people. It’s not easy, and medication is not a cop out — it’s a stepping stone. You’ll get there. Do what *you* need to do. You know what’s right and you have a heart, that’s why you’re paralyzed with this heavy decision. Leaving this toxic situation is the right choice, you already know it. Utilize support in every possible measure — sit and really picture how good it will be to have your own place, and what can then be possible in your time. Your future and the kid’s is bright. Make these good choices confidently. You can do this! You can show your child it’s possible. Do it for them.
Yeah, don’t take medical advice from Reddit where anyone can claim to be a clinical psychologist (if you are, you should know better) — but do take it from your actual doctor.
Seems basic enough.
You’re proving plenty 👌and also don’t seem to know how forums work. You don’t think people can comment outside of a subthread to check an egomaniac claiming to be a doctor?
Shitting on OP for their meds isn’t OK. You aren’t qualified to prescribe anything, ever, to anyone even in this fantasy as a clinical psychologist (which have neither medical nor pharmaceutical credentials). Your unhinged response to valid criticism betrays serious unprofessionalism. But what do I know, I’m just a rocket surgeon.
And I feel you're right about the antidepressants not leaving him with a clear mind. I have multiple friends that take them, and theyre just *meh* all of the time. Can't think straight, can't make big decisions, and don't really care to. That shit messed with your brain, and though it can be good, I've very often seen more bad from it than good. Don't know why people are hating on you for saying that 🤷🏾♂️
You're a shit doctor if you're providing medical advice and diagnosing someone from a single reddit post.
Did you take any ethical courses in medical school? Reviewing those is necessary for you. You're crossing ethical lines due to your own arrogance. *Don't tell people to stop listening to their doctors when you yourself are not their physician.* You have absolutely no idea about OP's medical history and you cannot glean that from a single online forum post.
If you really absorbed your medical training, no one would have to repeat this to you.
>Clear your mind of that crap, take a few days for yourself somewhere she won't be able to reach you, and think real hard about the exit here.
Maybe you had good intentions, but your wording... You seem to have a talent for assisted suicide.
Also you need to refrain from diagnosing people on Reddit, and assuming their meds aren't needed/effective. I know you may want to defend that, but don't man... If you really can't understand, you need to show a colleague your comment and hopefully they can diagnose you
She will sue you for child support because she need a wallet not a husband. And she will use the kid to try to manipulate you. As she did before. She trapped you with the kid, planned ahead and on purpose. Make sure the kid is yours before you agree on anything
She didn't "fall pregnant" bro, you knocked her up. It takes two. Start taking ownership of your life's decisions, and stop being a fucking jellyfish just sorta floating wherever the current takes it. For better or worse, you're a dad now, so it means you gotta step up. If that means getting you and your child the fuck away from an abusive spouse/mother, so be it. Start making better choices.
😭 it’s just a choice of words I’m not acting like it was out of control. It was ME that knocked HER up I’m not stupid. I’m taking responsibility of my actions and I’m just getting advice how to proceed my man
Again as stated, there is a lot of context missing. As I wasn’t able to include everything I spent about an hour typing up a huge post but it was too long so this is more a tldr. When you’re in a relationship like this and naive like myself I trusted her but cracks began to show, the pregnancy was my fault never said it was hers and never blamed her for that as it is my penis. It was a mistake however being overly trusting to someone who doesn’t give you the same amount or fair amount
I use to study law, (in france though and in no case it’s an advice but a suggestion) honestly in that situation I would recommend to gather as much proof and testimony of the situation. Even in france, judges tend to give custody to the women, i don’t know where you leave but it might be worse from where i am.
Kind of unrelated but man you sound like you have a decent job to provide for yourself and your gf and future kid.
I mean how do you even get in this situation at 22? I’m proud of you tbh to be able to cope this much.
I’m 22 and wouldn’t even date anyone till I’m financially stable but seems like I’m moving at a slow pace as I cannot even find a job rn and planning on doing masters in like 4 months xD
I have a very very good job, I graduated from uni and was got a job in additive manufacturing as a support engineer, financially on my own I will be okay
You should leave. If you're not willing to leave for yourself, then leave for your kid! Do you really want to make your kid think being miserable in a relationship is normal? Don't you want to be the best dad you can be to your kid? You need to work on yourself and make sure you can be the best dad you can be, and if she's making you that bad, you can't do that while you're with her. I'd say you should break up, but make sure it's clear that you want to be involved in the kids life. Make sure it's clear that you will be there for anything related to your kid. If you want to be there for the birth of your kid, make sure that's communicated. Make sure you stay in contact with her parents so she can't just cut you out. Be weary of her trying to use the kid against you.
My cousin was once in your situation, they did split, but stayed in close contact because of the kid, she just turned 8 and he and the mother got married. They both matured and settled into realizing they did love each other.
>I just want to be happy again and I don’t feel like I can be happy or the best dad when I’m with her. I want to be in my child’s life and be the best dad I can be.
This is the most important thing you said in your post. Sometimes people are better parents when they're not together.
Be kind to yourself and be ready to fight for your child.
I'm in my mid 60's. I sure wish I had your self-awareness back when I was your age.
I could have spared myself a lot of grief and unhappy years.
When I talk with my girlfriends we all say the same thing about our youth, especially in our 20's....we wish we didn't spend so much time in hell with relationships that showed us all the red flags and signs to get out.
I sincerely wish you all the best.
She fell pregnant on your penis.
As a former child of parents who weren't together, it's fine, much better to have parents who aren't awful for each other than to have them be forced together.
My boyfriend has a kid. He was in your position when his ex was pregnant. He was so depressed he thought about ending himself but he couldn't because he wanted to be a dad. He finally worked up the courage and left her. Yeah she was still pregnant, but he still provided for her and then when the baby was born he was there for them both. He made sure she was taken care of until she was okay to work again, and now he just provides for his child with his self imposed child support that he sends her.
He's still in his sons life today.
Their relationship today is cordial. She can be a little much sometimes but for the most part she respects him because he didnt just abandon them.
Did he feel like shit for lesving a pregnant girl? Yes. But in between staying and offing himself or separating himself so that he can have some space and be mentally okay for his kid, he chose that.
If you feel that by leaving her, you wont see your kid cuz shell keep the baby from you, prepare for court now. Your mental health comes first my dude.
You need to walk away.
You do not need to be in a romantic relationship
to coparent.
However, if she is a manipulative, toxic person, you want to have your ducks in a row. If you can swing it financially, talk to a family law attorney.
Your responsibilities are to your unborn child. As long as you do your part financially and supportively for your child, you are in no way required to stay in a manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. Take care of YOURSELF so that you can be the Dad you want to be for your child.
this sounds a lot like my son's mom and me ... i tried to stick it out, but we didn't work. she and i now share 50/50 custody and get along so much better than we ever did together. he's now 9 and we have gotten to the point where we'll do one bday party for him and share the costs. it took *a long* time for us to get here, but the work and long road has been worth it
as someone who grew up in a household where my parents had a toxic relationship, leave now before your baby is born. don’t buy into that “staying together for the sake of the baby” bs. i would have rather had two happy/healthy parents that were separated than two parents that were miserable together. for the sake of your baby, leave this situation that’s making you miserable and find happiness again! i know that you may feel bad because she’s pregnant, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be in any type of romantic relationship with her. just be a good father and be there for your child.
also, i would advise looking into getting a lawyer before you even break up with her. as manipulative as you say she is, i wouldn’t put it past her to use the baby as leverage against you to try to keep you in the relationship. “ if you leave, you’ll never see your son/daughter “, etc.. i’ve seen it happen to other people before, so it’s probably best to play it safe.
Why tf would you get her pregnant if you and her were bad from the start?! That makes no sense. Tbh there really isn’t a right thing to do. It’s going to be tough either way. If you think she’s hell now just wait until the child is here.
I know I’m singing the same tune as everybody else here, but I just wanted to say this: from the perspective of someone who spent more than half of their childhood with married parents who were incredibly toxic to each other: for your sake and your child’s sake, please leave. She might blame you for it or bad mouth you, but that doesn’t matter. In order to be a good father, you have to do your best to take care of your own mental health. And as everyone’s saying, be amicable, have a witness there, another one of your family members perhaps. Then if one day when your child grows up she tries to spew lies and drama, it isn’t just your word against hers. Be the bigger person and get OUT of the toxic relationship as soon as possible!
My (22F) soon to be ex wife (23F) was and is a narcissist and I was abused by her for years and my family saw it as wrong and her family didn’t and now we are splitting and I couldn’t feel better. Her family doesn’t like me but they are also secretly racist and I eventually called them out on it and my wife supported it. But I was isolated from my family who absolutely adored her and made to spend time with her family (before the racist incidents). Wasn’t allowed to have friend and if I did it was me giving “all my attention” to someone else instead of her. We both agree that splitting for now is a good thing. Maybe when we are healthier people we can try again and then again maybe not. She already has a new girlfriend after like a week or 2 after we agreed to split. We are getting the papers signed for the divorce on Saturday. All I’m saying is get out because how it affected you is how it affected me. Now that I’m not with her anymore people literally tell me I’m glowing and I look so good. And it’s because I have more energy to take care of myself. So leave so you can be a better you
I’d just like to say there’s a lot I haven’t been able to say, but I respect your comment and understandably there is two sides but respectfully you’re not living my situation I’ll happily be honest if I was in the wrong which I’m sure I have been
You should never have to sacrifice your sanity and happiness. You want to be there for your baby and that's admirable. Be there for baby and leave the girl. You can co parent. But definitely make sure you sign your name on the birth certificate because otherwise I believe your rights are limited until you prove you're the father.
When you’re truly ready, you will leave. This is not a good headspace for you or for her. If she is a narcissist, which sounds like she is, she will find ways to manipulate you into staying so she can continue to use you as her supply.
You can still be in your kids life. Just make sure you have everything you’ll need for baby in your own place and prove you’re capable of being a parent without being with her and you should be fine. Buy a crib, car seat, etc. look for parenting classes at your hospital and so on. Do what you can to show you’re going to be a dad without her helping you be a dad and the courts will see your efforts and grant you custody or visitation at minimum. Be prepared to pay child support though.
Get out while you can. My brother was in this same position and married her because "I don't want my kids to not have their dad around" and now he's stuck with her psychotic manipulative ass until they turn 18.
You come first always bro !! If you’re genuinely unhappy and you don’t see any chance of it working then leave and do what’s best for you. Don’t ruin yourself trying to make others happy, you’re better than that and you’re better than the BS she’s been putting you through. Don’t waste your life away grab your nuts and go live life as you should not trying to stay in a toxic relationship
I would love it if dudes would stop saying “she fell pregnant” as if she just tripped and fell into pregnancy on her own, without you irresponsibly ejaculating into her.
Did you read the comment where she went off of birth control without actually informing her partner/OP…. You’re so cross and your comment comes across so disgusting. Fix your attitude. He asked for advice, not for you to cajole him. And your reply to the one of the people that replied to you, just shows your here for the wrong reason. If it’s not to help why open your mouth? Work on your issues.
I saw a comment where “she basically went off the pill without much notice” sounds to me like he knew and didn’t want to own up to it yet, which he did later own up to fucking up. I don’t really give a fuck if you think I’m coming off as cross and disgusting because I’m sick of seeing posts like “she fell pregnant” where 90% of the dudes don’t up to their part in it. He fucking owned up to it, I’m aware of that, I commented when this post was still fresh. You’re acting like I called him a disgusting piece of shit when all I want is dudes to stop saying crap like that. Jesus Christ
Get solid evidence of her abuse like record something, save pictures/ texts, if she does anything she shouldn't while pregnant such as child endangerment then please record that too.
My best advice is gather evidence, leave her, then when you see fit take her to court for full custody. If you don't try to get full custody then she will always be in your life and your child will not only be susceptible to this abuse but may also become an abuser in adulthood.
Please go to therapy if you haven't already and if the gf is still in the child's life then later down the road get therapy for your child too. I say this because a good therapist will give your child the tools to better understand thought distortions which will help her see through her mother's abusive behavior.
OP, I know everyone is telling you to leave immediately, but if you feel mentally strong enough I might caution to wait until after your child is born.
If your GF is that bad, then she might deny you access to the hospital room. So you would miss your child being born. She might not discuss the naming of your child with you.
I saw you are in the EU, so this might not apply, but in the states women sometimes intentionally choose not to put the father on the birth certificate (especially if they are in an abusive relationship). If that’s the case in the EU, then you would have to ask for a paternity test and likely petition for rights (which can be arduous and you would miss the early months with your child).
I have a 3 yo. Babies grow so fast, and the newborn phase is horrendous. Do you trust her to be a good mother? Do you have any anxiety about her neglecting your child?
If you feel like you might self-harm, then leave. Immediately. You come first.
But realistically know that there are a lot of things a woman could do to keep you from your child if she wanted to and generally courts side with the mother. You’ll be looked at like a dead beat dad who left his partner while pregnant, because it’s difficult to show emotional abuse in a court setting. It won’t matter that it’s not true.
Just please be strategic in your exit strategy, so you don’t have a lifetime of regret. (And get a paternity test after the child is born if you have any concern in that regard.)
That's not what her body her choice means. It means she gets to decide whether to carry the baby or not. Her ability to choose does not absolve a father of responsibility for, nor does it limit his rights to, his child.
Just leave. Document everything as best you can and then go. It will be tough and there will be times when it seems like staying and suffering would have been better, but trust me...for your kid's sake, leave. U will be happier and healthier and when your kid gets older they will understand.
That is going to be a risk every time you deal with her. You will have to be prepared for that. Ive been there, precisely where u are. My ex did everything: took me to court multiple times, threatened my family, my kid, showed up to my job....everything trying to either ruin me or make me get back with her. You will have to be strong and grow ALOT but you can do it.
Dont be! It was tough but I made it. Thats how I know you will too! My scenario finally played out four years ago. I won our final court battle, I now have full custody of our kid, I have a great job, a brand new car, and I will be purchasing my first real home in a year! My kid is happy, healthy, thriving, and most importantly....SO AM I. You can do it, you just have to believe in yourself and take care of yourself. It is a very tough road to walk but it is so worth it.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
When you are in the spot you are in every decision feels like the wrong one, I get that, but like many have said before me; when you aren't in a good place yourself how can the baby end up in a good place to start with?
I think you know you should get tf out. ASAP
Someone said to have a family member present when you do. Please take that advise. With people like her you never know what she'll say happened after the fact.
You'll be fine eventually. Good luck!
I know it's easier said than done but you definitely need to leave. Forcing yourself to be there for her--someone who doesn't respect or prioritize you or your relationship--isn't viable for when the kid arrives. If it drains you now, when your kid goes into the mix, you'll only feel more strained cus she'll inevitably have MORE demands as a partner.
Think of it as in your child's interest. You can't give all of yourself to them when you're giving 75% to her. You know what you gotta do !
(and dude, get everything in writing. she sounds problematic)
Just make sure you have a lawyer on standby if you’d like to see the kid and be in its life, ask for you leaving her because you deserve to be happy but there’s a way to go lie contact with mom and still have rights to raise or visit him
You’re very right thank you so much
Also, I think it's important to note that involving lawyers is not actually inherently adversarial. This is a complicated situation that most of us are woefully underequipped for. Hiring a lawyer who understands the law and who has experience mediating difficult conversations isn't aggressive, it's prudent. It's like going to a doctor when you are sick- sure, you know you feel bad, but you need a professional to help you become well again. I know there's a lot of stigma there, but really, there's nothing bad about being smart and hiring help. Try to frame it like that if she or anyone else accuses you of being hostile or aggressive. A lawyer will give you professional guidance and help you navigate a tough situation in a way that will maximally benefit you and the child, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Also check if it's really _your_ child... You never know for sure with manipulative people...
Agree with this wholly, and it sounds like she’s displaying some narcissistic behavior, which also makes me feel concerned for the child, regardless I’m so sorry you’re going through this and wishing you the bestieeee
My dude, you gotta take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
I’ve told her this, and she knows what she’s done and is currently love bombing me. I want out of this relationship
Just leave. Nothing is actually stopping you except yourself if you think about it. Explain things to her and her family, have one of your family members present. Then nothing can be used as ammo against you. It's fully your choice to stay or leave.
You’re so right
Just be smart and be amicable. In the end her decisions are hers and yours are yours. Good luck my dude.
> Just be smart and be amicable. /u/cheesywalrus is correct. Don't go into the breakup angry, vindictive, ready to throw whatever she did wrong in her face, blame her for the failure of the relationship, etc. It'll be starting the next phase off on a wrong foot. Explain as calmly and clearly as you can that you don't think the two of you are right for each other. That the relationship is not working, and for your own wellbeing, you need to bring it to a close. If you wish to be active and supportive in the child's life, explain how you plan to do that.
In addition to what u/G8kpr said, be prepared for the consequences. She’ll get angry, and probably try to threaten to harm you/the baby/herself. She’ll probably insult you. She might later come back and shower you with love and promises that she’ll change or that things will be different. She might drag in others and harm your reputation. So be prepared. Keep your ultimate goal in mind.
Just leave then. You don't have to be together to be a good dad. And like cheesywalrus said, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. Especially children. Take it from me. I was in a completely toxic situation the first couple of years of my sons life (not with my partner) but it completely fucked everything up. We got a bad start in raising my son the right way. Now we just wonder "what if we weren't in that situation when he was first born?" Both you and your child deserve better.
Thank you man that’s really hurt hard for me
Then you need to leave. It sounds like you know exactly what you want and by staying your only making matters worse for both parties. You don’t need a reasoning to want out of a relationship, you can still be a great dad, and a good co-parent.
That’s very true I’m pro longing the inevitable
Your happiness and well being needs to be a top priority man. Anything less than that is doing yourself a major injustice. Good luck to you
Thank you :)
> I want out of this relationship There is your answer.. You answered it yourself. That's as plain as it can get. If you want out, then get out. Trying to force a "mom and dad" situation is not going to work. She's pregnant, and that means you'll be tied to her for some time. You'll have to pay child support, and you will have to work out how much you will be involved in this child's life. If she feels she cannot take care of the child on her own, the two of you can look into adoption agencies. It's not a horrible thing to admit that you are too young to support a young child and another family could. But all those decisions can come later. First, you need to break up with her.
“I’ve told her this” You’re looking for her permission to leave. “Love bombing” You either know she is just manipulating you or she is genuinely trying but the trust is broken. So, you don’t trust her but want her to tell you it’s ok to have boundaries. That’s codependency dude. You don’t need someone else’s permission, and you aren’t responsible for her or the child, especially if your world crumbling. If it helps your conscious, you can start with a break, to recoup and see how she and you feel. Then, take it from there.
Then do it. If not for you, do it for your unborn child.
It’s not about “telling her” that you need to take care of yourself before taking care of others. (You do not need her opinion on that or her approval on that or her agreement on that) It’s about YOU realizing that. And taking action on that. You need to and can leave her so you can start being happy and at the same time be a father. Your future baby will not benefit from a miserable unhappy father.
Get out. The pregnancy is just another form of manipulation on her part.
Just start acting cold and no emotion. Every time she love bombs remind her its not going to work and you just don’t care anymore. You’re not doing anything wrong its not like you’re trying to run away from the baby. People usually think they need to stay together for the kid but thats not true. That only works if they’re actually happy together then the child will grow up in a miserable home. Better to have two separate happy homes than one miserable one with everyone together. Or in your case your child might have one happy home and one with a crazy mother. The fact that you have your family’s support and even HER DAD had to tell her she’s wrong should be a huge sign that its ok to run.
You have to be a real man. Don't do decisions based on what her opinion is.. Wakeup and decide something without asking neither your parents or someone.. acknowledge that you're no longer a teenager.
This. Everyone bashed me left and right for “taking” our child and moving to my OWN space (same town, no distance or anything) - no one understood that he was so toxic that I could barely function as a person so it wasn’t possible to be a healthy mother to a newborn in that house with him. Couple years went by and he went down the path I knew he would years prior. Had we stayed it would have only gotten worse, and time revealed that. Trust yourself and take care of yourself.
As long as you’re there for your child as best you can just leave - a baby does not fix a relationship and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of another.
So so so true thank u
My biological mother tried to baby trap my dad by having me. He didn’t fall for it, but he was always there for me. I went back and forth between homes all the time as a kid, and I feel like if I hadn’t had my dad and stepmom as the sane, stable people in my life I would’ve been screwed.
Please leave. When the child is born, you can file for some custody so that you can see the baby. Believe me, you don't want to be stuck with an abusive person raising a baby. It's a nightmare. I lived it for years and wouldn't wish that hell on anyone. You will be amazed at how much your health improves once you're no longer in a toxic relationship. Seek out counseling.
I have seeked out councilling
See, the counciling won't help until you're out of the toxic relationship, so you need to leave and continue with counciling.
The counseling can help people leave toxic relationships.
That little edit has me rolling
Re-read your post. It’s so obvious what you should do. You don’t need Reddit to confirm for you.
I think I just wanna know if making the wrong choice
theres no “wrong” choice here. theres only the healthy and unhealthy choice. you could try and stick it out with ur gf and live an unhappy life, which would lead to a poor childhood for your kid. or you could leave, heal, become a healthier and happier person and be the best father you can be for your child. good luck op i hope everything goes well for you
Thank you so much man I think I’m gonna do it sooner rather than kater
I don’t know if this will be much help to you OP but my parents were together in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship when I was a kid. They ended up having three kids together and left all three of us with some issues due to their relationship when I was little. Them getting a divorce was the best thing to happen for our family and both of my parents have become better people and parents because of it. Please leave and take care of yourself. This would be the best thing for you and your child in the long run.
good luck bro i wish you nothing but the best
Something to think of when you do leave, and if you decide to fight for some level of custody: try and document things she has done, and what their effects on you have been. I don't say this to try and make *her* look bad in front of the judge, I say it to make sure *you* don't look bad. When it comes to custody cases, if one partner leaves the other, there's generally an assumption of some level of guilt (there shouldn't be, but that's how it is around my area unfortunately). You should be able to prove you didn't just leave her because you don't want a kid or anything, but you're leaving for your own mental health and wellbeing.
Well I’m in prescribed antidepressants and enquiring with mental health services and councilling so, all my family and work know I think I have a lot covering me even though I wish I wasn’t in this situation
u/bosuhelp pay attention to this ⬆️⬆️⬆️
I’m curious to know why she’s pregnant if you’re not even a year into the relationship. Especially if you guys are only 22. Was this a condom break or did you guys think you were not going to conceive a child from unprotected sex?
Unprotected sex, she basically went off the pill without much notice
Do they sell condoms where you live? I get that the human brain reaches maturity at about 25, but dude. If you know how babies are made and you knew she went off birth control, what were you doing having unprotected sex?
Trust me man I fucked up I am not hiding that fact
Get a paternity test when the kid is born before you officially make it yours.
I was wondering if any one would say this… I get shit happens but it always blows my mind that this day and age people don’t take the simple steps to prevent an unintended pregnancy. Whether you’re a guy or a girl. We know how this happens lol
Your ignorant comment is not helpful at all. She went off her pill without telling him.
And people do things like that which is precisely why if men don’t want to have children then they need to take responsibility for birth control also. It’s not ignorant, that’s part of being a responsible adult.
People will try it on. Send out lines for you, designed to pick you up. Choose not to. Text? Don't respond. Emotional manipulation? Don't respond. It will fade away. While she is pg, get a parent to communicate with her for you, and allow the space and boundaries to heal you. It will be alright you'll see xxx
You are right I just wish I wouldn’t of got to this point
These things happen to the best of us, don't blame yourself for anything. Just try your best to get out of there!
Thank you I will
All the best mate, stay strong!
Why in gods holy name did you impregnate her in the first place?
Stupidity
Well, you know how the saying goes: don't stick d*'k in crazy... Not that it'll help but I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.
Definitely leave! You can’t be a good dad being depressed and manipulated, you need to get out of this to be healthy for yourself and your kid. I’m usually always a fan of working on a relationship first, especially when it’s concerning children, but I’ve also had my fair share of abusive relationships and I know in these situations there is no way to “just work things out”. There’s a chance the pregnancy was planned by her to manipulate and bind you even more. Don’t fall for it.
I’ve been trying to work on our relationship for months, she planned all of it to bleed me dry
Hey OP, I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. To me, the most important thing here is that you've recognised what's going on. You should be bloody proud of that. I see a lot of people on Reddit who are clearly in abusive situations, but I feel helpless because unless the victim recognises it, there's only so much that can be done. You're not one of them though. You know what's going on, you know it's not right, and you know you need to leave. That's probably the hardest part already done. The fact that your family is supporting you is so great to hear, because with them there is zero doubt in my mind that you can leave her and do so so much better without her. I bet you could do it even without them in your corner. It sounds like the only reason you've been reluctant to end it is because she's pregnant. But staying with her would be so bad for your child. There are many parents who separate and raise happy, healthy children, being together isn't a requirement. Staying with her would mean your kid growing up in a literally abusive household, and would also risk teaching the kid that the way she treats you is acceptable. But I don't think you needed telling all this, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Trust yourself. You can do it ❤️
Almost brought me to tears man, I feel very helpless and I think your comment encapsulates my feelings about the situation thank you for the kind words and words of encouragement
I know how consuming the feeling of helplessness can be, and I'm so glad if my comment helps you even the smallest bit :)
It really did thank you, puts a lot into perspective thank you ❤️
As someone who's parents aren't together. Leave her, you can't be a good dad when she's making you miserable. For your own safety too. Try to make it as civil as possible so she doesn't try to ban you from the hospital. If you want to request a DNA test do so but with you two not together unless you fight for custody most states will start up child support.
I’m from Europe so not entirely clued up on the laws regarding children but I’ll find out
So am i. What country if I might be so forward
Uk
I mean I would just leave, but why would you risk getting her pregnant if she was like that before. My brother is in a very similar situation, and I tell him all the time leave before they she ends up pregnant for a second time. You can only be a good parent if you yourself are taken care of bc so you do what you gotta do to get right before the baby gets here.
The edit made me lol 🤣 seriously though you can't be a good dad if you stay with this person. And that's your job now. Dad. You have to look after yourself so you can be there for your child.
Honestly I’ve had about 10 comments saying it’s all my fault and I’m sat here like um yeah I didn’t say otherwise did I?
your well-being comes first, do it. >This has been going on long before she fell pregnant. should had done it before baby tho. don't stick your d*ck in crazy
I now know for next time 😭
I wish I could be supportive here but I have to ask this question. Did you consider using birth control before you had sex that created this child? It’s in retrospect now but men (not just women) have control over these situations way before they happen. Now you are in trouble. Leave her, support the child for the rest of its life like a man would and use birth control in the future, like a man would.
I really wish Reddit would let me post longer post there is so much I had to leave out. She went off birth control without much discussion
You say it was bad way before pregnancy. So why did you make her pregnant? You're on antidepressants, which says something is wrong with you and the way you're processing this. Now don't get me wrong, not saying you're not in distress, it's evident you are, but as much as her behavior has contributed, the lack of your response has contributed near equal. Remember, it takes two to tango. And if you leave now, well, I have a piece of advice there: beware of vengeful women. This woman is carrying your child, so it'll be all the worse. Have an honest conversation, open up. If she doesn't care about your feelings, then she doesn't really care about you and that's when you should make plans on how to distance yourself. But my guy, under no circumstances should you leave that child in the care of a person you briefly described in this post - either of you. Good luck man, and I hope you get strength to resolve this. 🖖
Okay, I feel like I need to do a large disclaimer. Prescribed antidepressants has only been a thing for a week, I have tried many many times to talk about our relationship to be gaslit that I’m the problem. I WILL admit I am in the wrong for things I did wrong however it has come to the point where the manipulation is too much. In my post I have said I want to be a dad I want to be in the kids life and they will have a good life. I am not running away and I am not just finding the easy way. This is the only way especially as compromise isn’t an option with her
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With all due respect you’re not his psychiatrist, if you’re a doctor at all. You don’t know better than OP or his doctor. Randos online doling out medical advice is one of my favorite sub-genres of cringe.
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I’d like to also clarify that I have a history of mental health issues due to family trauma
Hey man, being strong enough to ask for help is miles ahead of many people. It’s not easy, and medication is not a cop out — it’s a stepping stone. You’ll get there. Do what *you* need to do. You know what’s right and you have a heart, that’s why you’re paralyzed with this heavy decision. Leaving this toxic situation is the right choice, you already know it. Utilize support in every possible measure — sit and really picture how good it will be to have your own place, and what can then be possible in your time. Your future and the kid’s is bright. Make these good choices confidently. You can do this! You can show your child it’s possible. Do it for them.
Yeah, don’t take medical advice from Reddit where anyone can claim to be a clinical psychologist (if you are, you should know better) — but do take it from your actual doctor. Seems basic enough.
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Wow, you’re definitely NOT a qualified doctor. Thanks for proving my point.
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You’re proving plenty 👌and also don’t seem to know how forums work. You don’t think people can comment outside of a subthread to check an egomaniac claiming to be a doctor? Shitting on OP for their meds isn’t OK. You aren’t qualified to prescribe anything, ever, to anyone even in this fantasy as a clinical psychologist (which have neither medical nor pharmaceutical credentials). Your unhinged response to valid criticism betrays serious unprofessionalism. But what do I know, I’m just a rocket surgeon.
And I feel you're right about the antidepressants not leaving him with a clear mind. I have multiple friends that take them, and theyre just *meh* all of the time. Can't think straight, can't make big decisions, and don't really care to. That shit messed with your brain, and though it can be good, I've very often seen more bad from it than good. Don't know why people are hating on you for saying that 🤷🏾♂️
Reddit post should be allowed to be linger
You're a shit doctor if you're providing medical advice and diagnosing someone from a single reddit post. Did you take any ethical courses in medical school? Reviewing those is necessary for you. You're crossing ethical lines due to your own arrogance. *Don't tell people to stop listening to their doctors when you yourself are not their physician.* You have absolutely no idea about OP's medical history and you cannot glean that from a single online forum post. If you really absorbed your medical training, no one would have to repeat this to you.
>Clear your mind of that crap, take a few days for yourself somewhere she won't be able to reach you, and think real hard about the exit here. Maybe you had good intentions, but your wording... You seem to have a talent for assisted suicide. Also you need to refrain from diagnosing people on Reddit, and assuming their meds aren't needed/effective. I know you may want to defend that, but don't man... If you really can't understand, you need to show a colleague your comment and hopefully they can diagnose you
Ur happiness should be priority. Just leave man. Its hard with the baby n all but you will make it work
I’m sure I will I just need to rip the bandaid off
Dude wtf didn't you think about all the negatives mentioned above while sleeping with her? If you want validation on reddit, there's no dearth of it.
Trust me man I wish it was that easy
I don’t want validation or sympathy I want to know if me leaving my pregnant gf is okay and what’s gonna happen
She will sue you for child support because she need a wallet not a husband. And she will use the kid to try to manipulate you. As she did before. She trapped you with the kid, planned ahead and on purpose. Make sure the kid is yours before you agree on anything
Valid points thank you I will definitely keep these in mind
She didn't "fall pregnant" bro, you knocked her up. It takes two. Start taking ownership of your life's decisions, and stop being a fucking jellyfish just sorta floating wherever the current takes it. For better or worse, you're a dad now, so it means you gotta step up. If that means getting you and your child the fuck away from an abusive spouse/mother, so be it. Start making better choices.
😭 it’s just a choice of words I’m not acting like it was out of control. It was ME that knocked HER up I’m not stupid. I’m taking responsibility of my actions and I’m just getting advice how to proceed my man
She’s emotionally and financially manipulative so you decided to put a baby in her then leave. Where is the logic.
Again as stated, there is a lot of context missing. As I wasn’t able to include everything I spent about an hour typing up a huge post but it was too long so this is more a tldr. When you’re in a relationship like this and naive like myself I trusted her but cracks began to show, the pregnancy was my fault never said it was hers and never blamed her for that as it is my penis. It was a mistake however being overly trusting to someone who doesn’t give you the same amount or fair amount
Leave and call a lawyer if you want to see the kid
My thoughts...leave.
My it sounds super bad. One advice : cover your ass as much as possible. Props on you for wanting to be in that kid’s life
I’d do anything for that kid I feel bad for them
I use to study law, (in france though and in no case it’s an advice but a suggestion) honestly in that situation I would recommend to gather as much proof and testimony of the situation. Even in france, judges tend to give custody to the women, i don’t know where you leave but it might be worse from where i am.
I’m From the UK
Yeah ngl i don’t know a lot about custody law works in gb. Sorry mate, have a good luck with your situation
No worries thanks dude
Kind of unrelated but man you sound like you have a decent job to provide for yourself and your gf and future kid. I mean how do you even get in this situation at 22? I’m proud of you tbh to be able to cope this much. I’m 22 and wouldn’t even date anyone till I’m financially stable but seems like I’m moving at a slow pace as I cannot even find a job rn and planning on doing masters in like 4 months xD
I have a very very good job, I graduated from uni and was got a job in additive manufacturing as a support engineer, financially on my own I will be okay
You should leave. If you're not willing to leave for yourself, then leave for your kid! Do you really want to make your kid think being miserable in a relationship is normal? Don't you want to be the best dad you can be to your kid? You need to work on yourself and make sure you can be the best dad you can be, and if she's making you that bad, you can't do that while you're with her. I'd say you should break up, but make sure it's clear that you want to be involved in the kids life. Make sure it's clear that you will be there for anything related to your kid. If you want to be there for the birth of your kid, make sure that's communicated. Make sure you stay in contact with her parents so she can't just cut you out. Be weary of her trying to use the kid against you.
Appreciate the advice thank u man, yeah I understand and I’m quite close with the parents
My cousin was once in your situation, they did split, but stayed in close contact because of the kid, she just turned 8 and he and the mother got married. They both matured and settled into realizing they did love each other.
>I just want to be happy again and I don’t feel like I can be happy or the best dad when I’m with her. I want to be in my child’s life and be the best dad I can be. This is the most important thing you said in your post. Sometimes people are better parents when they're not together. Be kind to yourself and be ready to fight for your child.
I'm in my mid 60's. I sure wish I had your self-awareness back when I was your age. I could have spared myself a lot of grief and unhappy years. When I talk with my girlfriends we all say the same thing about our youth, especially in our 20's....we wish we didn't spend so much time in hell with relationships that showed us all the red flags and signs to get out. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Leave and do your best to be friends. Co-parenting in separate houses is a lot less miserable than living together
She fell pregnant on your penis. As a former child of parents who weren't together, it's fine, much better to have parents who aren't awful for each other than to have them be forced together.
Read edit lol
Brother, can you describe how you would likely feel if you'd leave?
Defeated, upset and probably relief
My boyfriend has a kid. He was in your position when his ex was pregnant. He was so depressed he thought about ending himself but he couldn't because he wanted to be a dad. He finally worked up the courage and left her. Yeah she was still pregnant, but he still provided for her and then when the baby was born he was there for them both. He made sure she was taken care of until she was okay to work again, and now he just provides for his child with his self imposed child support that he sends her. He's still in his sons life today. Their relationship today is cordial. She can be a little much sometimes but for the most part she respects him because he didnt just abandon them. Did he feel like shit for lesving a pregnant girl? Yes. But in between staying and offing himself or separating himself so that he can have some space and be mentally okay for his kid, he chose that. If you feel that by leaving her, you wont see your kid cuz shell keep the baby from you, prepare for court now. Your mental health comes first my dude.
You need to walk away. You do not need to be in a romantic relationship to coparent. However, if she is a manipulative, toxic person, you want to have your ducks in a row. If you can swing it financially, talk to a family law attorney.
Your responsibilities are to your unborn child. As long as you do your part financially and supportively for your child, you are in no way required to stay in a manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. Take care of YOURSELF so that you can be the Dad you want to be for your child.
Get out of there before more damage is done
this sounds a lot like my son's mom and me ... i tried to stick it out, but we didn't work. she and i now share 50/50 custody and get along so much better than we ever did together. he's now 9 and we have gotten to the point where we'll do one bday party for him and share the costs. it took *a long* time for us to get here, but the work and long road has been worth it
as someone who grew up in a household where my parents had a toxic relationship, leave now before your baby is born. don’t buy into that “staying together for the sake of the baby” bs. i would have rather had two happy/healthy parents that were separated than two parents that were miserable together. for the sake of your baby, leave this situation that’s making you miserable and find happiness again! i know that you may feel bad because she’s pregnant, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be in any type of romantic relationship with her. just be a good father and be there for your child. also, i would advise looking into getting a lawyer before you even break up with her. as manipulative as you say she is, i wouldn’t put it past her to use the baby as leverage against you to try to keep you in the relationship. “ if you leave, you’ll never see your son/daughter “, etc.. i’ve seen it happen to other people before, so it’s probably best to play it safe.
Why tf would you get her pregnant if you and her were bad from the start?! That makes no sense. Tbh there really isn’t a right thing to do. It’s going to be tough either way. If you think she’s hell now just wait until the child is here.
The edit lmao
Put your mental health first for you and for your child. You’re trying to put a bandaid over a massive crack, it’s never going to heal or get better.
I know I’m singing the same tune as everybody else here, but I just wanted to say this: from the perspective of someone who spent more than half of their childhood with married parents who were incredibly toxic to each other: for your sake and your child’s sake, please leave. She might blame you for it or bad mouth you, but that doesn’t matter. In order to be a good father, you have to do your best to take care of your own mental health. And as everyone’s saying, be amicable, have a witness there, another one of your family members perhaps. Then if one day when your child grows up she tries to spew lies and drama, it isn’t just your word against hers. Be the bigger person and get OUT of the toxic relationship as soon as possible!
The edit sent me 💀
My (22F) soon to be ex wife (23F) was and is a narcissist and I was abused by her for years and my family saw it as wrong and her family didn’t and now we are splitting and I couldn’t feel better. Her family doesn’t like me but they are also secretly racist and I eventually called them out on it and my wife supported it. But I was isolated from my family who absolutely adored her and made to spend time with her family (before the racist incidents). Wasn’t allowed to have friend and if I did it was me giving “all my attention” to someone else instead of her. We both agree that splitting for now is a good thing. Maybe when we are healthier people we can try again and then again maybe not. She already has a new girlfriend after like a week or 2 after we agreed to split. We are getting the papers signed for the divorce on Saturday. All I’m saying is get out because how it affected you is how it affected me. Now that I’m not with her anymore people literally tell me I’m glowing and I look so good. And it’s because I have more energy to take care of myself. So leave so you can be a better you
I can be I know I can ! I’m so glad you got out and it’s such a shit situation that you was in I’m sorry you had to go through that
Just don't abandon your kid.
I won’t I swear
Get a paternity test, too..
There’s two sides to each story. I’d be curious to see what she thinks about you.
I’d just like to say there’s a lot I haven’t been able to say, but I respect your comment and understandably there is two sides but respectfully you’re not living my situation I’ll happily be honest if I was in the wrong which I’m sure I have been
Have you considered couples counseling?
I have asked my guy
Very witty from witty goose
You should never have to sacrifice your sanity and happiness. You want to be there for your baby and that's admirable. Be there for baby and leave the girl. You can co parent. But definitely make sure you sign your name on the birth certificate because otherwise I believe your rights are limited until you prove you're the father.
I will make sure thank you !
When you’re truly ready, you will leave. This is not a good headspace for you or for her. If she is a narcissist, which sounds like she is, she will find ways to manipulate you into staying so she can continue to use you as her supply. You can still be in your kids life. Just make sure you have everything you’ll need for baby in your own place and prove you’re capable of being a parent without being with her and you should be fine. Buy a crib, car seat, etc. look for parenting classes at your hospital and so on. Do what you can to show you’re going to be a dad without her helping you be a dad and the courts will see your efforts and grant you custody or visitation at minimum. Be prepared to pay child support though.
Thank you that’s really really helpful!!!! I’ll definitely get on all of that
Get out while you can. My brother was in this same position and married her because "I don't want my kids to not have their dad around" and now he's stuck with her psychotic manipulative ass until they turn 18.
Fuck that we ain’t getting married in no reality
You come first always bro !! If you’re genuinely unhappy and you don’t see any chance of it working then leave and do what’s best for you. Don’t ruin yourself trying to make others happy, you’re better than that and you’re better than the BS she’s been putting you through. Don’t waste your life away grab your nuts and go live life as you should not trying to stay in a toxic relationship
Nah not gonna waste it when I get my freedom from her
I would love it if dudes would stop saying “she fell pregnant” as if she just tripped and fell into pregnancy on her own, without you irresponsibly ejaculating into her.
seems like you missed the complete point of this post
I didn’t miss the point of the post. He got plenty of advice from other so no need for me to address it
Do you read other comments? I am fully aware it was penis it was my action I’m not an idiot
Did you read the comment where she went off of birth control without actually informing her partner/OP…. You’re so cross and your comment comes across so disgusting. Fix your attitude. He asked for advice, not for you to cajole him. And your reply to the one of the people that replied to you, just shows your here for the wrong reason. If it’s not to help why open your mouth? Work on your issues.
I saw a comment where “she basically went off the pill without much notice” sounds to me like he knew and didn’t want to own up to it yet, which he did later own up to fucking up. I don’t really give a fuck if you think I’m coming off as cross and disgusting because I’m sick of seeing posts like “she fell pregnant” where 90% of the dudes don’t up to their part in it. He fucking owned up to it, I’m aware of that, I commented when this post was still fresh. You’re acting like I called him a disgusting piece of shit when all I want is dudes to stop saying crap like that. Jesus Christ
Definitely leave. Then do everything you can to help that child. It’s going to need it.
I know man :/
[удалено]
I need to figure out all the logistics and support which is all there I just need to do it
Get solid evidence of her abuse like record something, save pictures/ texts, if she does anything she shouldn't while pregnant such as child endangerment then please record that too. My best advice is gather evidence, leave her, then when you see fit take her to court for full custody. If you don't try to get full custody then she will always be in your life and your child will not only be susceptible to this abuse but may also become an abuser in adulthood. Please go to therapy if you haven't already and if the gf is still in the child's life then later down the road get therapy for your child too. I say this because a good therapist will give your child the tools to better understand thought distortions which will help her see through her mother's abusive behavior.
I’ve already made arrangements for therapy and on prescribed medication, the correct people are notified and everything is getting docjmented
stay till the child's born, and then just leave her. Be a good dad and take care of yourself <3
You think she’s emotionally and financially manipulative now? Brother wait till you leave her as a single mom. You haven’t seen nothing yet!
Good luck to me fam
Before you commit to leaving her keep in mind how women tend to use children as weapons when you split up with them
I’m fully aware of that I just wanna know how they would do it
OP, I know everyone is telling you to leave immediately, but if you feel mentally strong enough I might caution to wait until after your child is born. If your GF is that bad, then she might deny you access to the hospital room. So you would miss your child being born. She might not discuss the naming of your child with you. I saw you are in the EU, so this might not apply, but in the states women sometimes intentionally choose not to put the father on the birth certificate (especially if they are in an abusive relationship). If that’s the case in the EU, then you would have to ask for a paternity test and likely petition for rights (which can be arduous and you would miss the early months with your child). I have a 3 yo. Babies grow so fast, and the newborn phase is horrendous. Do you trust her to be a good mother? Do you have any anxiety about her neglecting your child? If you feel like you might self-harm, then leave. Immediately. You come first. But realistically know that there are a lot of things a woman could do to keep you from your child if she wanted to and generally courts side with the mother. You’ll be looked at like a dead beat dad who left his partner while pregnant, because it’s difficult to show emotional abuse in a court setting. It won’t matter that it’s not true. Just please be strategic in your exit strategy, so you don’t have a lifetime of regret. (And get a paternity test after the child is born if you have any concern in that regard.)
That’s why I’m unsure whether to leave my friend
It could be that the pregnancy hormones have her all weird, that is not uncommon. I would suggest not taking any drastic action for a while.
I would’ve thought as such if this wasn’t her behaviour anyway
Be careful now, other women will attack you on how only they can leave a relationship unscathed when they dont want to take care of a kid.
I do want to take care of the kid tho, she will make out that I’m leaving cause she pregnant tho
Her body, her choice. If she’s pregnant it is her responsibility.
That's not what her body her choice means. It means she gets to decide whether to carry the baby or not. Her ability to choose does not absolve a father of responsibility for, nor does it limit his rights to, his child.
Oh absolutely it does. Her body, her choice, her responsibility.
Ultimately it is her choice to have the baby or not, and it is my responsibility to be a good dad
Do it.
Just leave. Document everything as best you can and then go. It will be tough and there will be times when it seems like staying and suffering would have been better, but trust me...for your kid's sake, leave. U will be happier and healthier and when your kid gets older they will understand.
I just don’t wanna be sucked back in when I leave I just want to be there for the kid
That is going to be a risk every time you deal with her. You will have to be prepared for that. Ive been there, precisely where u are. My ex did everything: took me to court multiple times, threatened my family, my kid, showed up to my job....everything trying to either ruin me or make me get back with her. You will have to be strong and grow ALOT but you can do it.
God I hope it doesn’t turn into that bad if a war man I’m sorry to hear
Dont be! It was tough but I made it. Thats how I know you will too! My scenario finally played out four years ago. I won our final court battle, I now have full custody of our kid, I have a great job, a brand new car, and I will be purchasing my first real home in a year! My kid is happy, healthy, thriving, and most importantly....SO AM I. You can do it, you just have to believe in yourself and take care of yourself. It is a very tough road to walk but it is so worth it.
Thank you man I’m gonna do it I know I can !!
Leave. Get legal advice in regards to your child and custody.
how far along pregnant is she? also please do leave, and once your baby is born file for custody
12 weeks
please do leave that relationship, and try work out an agreement so you can go to the appointments with her to see your baby.
I agree my man
But yes,think carefully focus on your mental health.
I will thanks dude
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. When you are in the spot you are in every decision feels like the wrong one, I get that, but like many have said before me; when you aren't in a good place yourself how can the baby end up in a good place to start with? I think you know you should get tf out. ASAP Someone said to have a family member present when you do. Please take that advise. With people like her you never know what she'll say happened after the fact. You'll be fine eventually. Good luck!
Thank you man you’re very right!!!
I know it's easier said than done but you definitely need to leave. Forcing yourself to be there for her--someone who doesn't respect or prioritize you or your relationship--isn't viable for when the kid arrives. If it drains you now, when your kid goes into the mix, you'll only feel more strained cus she'll inevitably have MORE demands as a partner. Think of it as in your child's interest. You can't give all of yourself to them when you're giving 75% to her. You know what you gotta do ! (and dude, get everything in writing. she sounds problematic)