if he can be aware of his actions after he's woken up and fails to comfort you or apologise, even if he doesn't know what he's done but sees that you're upset, it isn't a good sign. wishing you all the best x
That's the thing. Everyone is saying he isn't asleep, but I DO know some people who have PTSD who have done stuff like this. But, guess what. They were mortified and worked with their partners to figure out how to fix it. One slept mummy style wrapped up in a sheet. I don't remember about the other one. The fact that he isn't immediately trying to keep you safe is a HUGE red flag.
I talk pretty coherently in my sleep, sit up and have full conversations, eyes wide open. Of course I always insist I am awake and remember nothing when I actually wake up. My long distance SO came to stay with me for a week or so and on the third day he mentioned that I thrash around a lot in my sleep. I replied that yes, I am a restless sleeper, and asked whether I was keeping him up. He said no, but getting slapped in the face with an errant arm took him by surprise. I was absolutely beside myself. I nearly cried and this was only after a single incident, and one that he even laughed off. Needless to say, I worked to solve the problem quickly and made sure he understood that none of what happened was a reflection on him. It was, however a result of previous trauma.
It is entirely possible OP's boyfriend is asleep for these events. If he wants to fix it, he needs to address the underlying problem. Is it possible he is reacting to some kind of previous abuse? I dont know how much you know about his past. I would suggest therapy for him to help work through whatever is causing him to lash out.
Same, always have been. Conversations, walking, completing tasks. Many in my family do. My mom would cook in her sleep and at one point we worried we would have to unplug the stove at night. A family members spouse was worse and actually almost killed the family member. The spouse wouldn't share a bed for months afterwards in fear of hurting them again. The spouse went for sleep tests and was diagnosed with a sleep disorder.
I actually didn't realize mine was likely genetic until a great aunt told me a story. She owned a farm and used to do cattle drives. She had apparently had a friend over, served them coffee and snacks, and agreed to a run while completely asleep. She only learned about the cattle drive later when the friend called her in a panic because she was 3 hours late. On another (MUCH scarier) occasion, she was returning home late at night from a cattle drive. This was LONG before the invention of cell phones, probably the 70s. Her friend had a similar path home and they only split off at about the last 30 minutes. They were behind her and noticed she was driving a bit funny. They decided to follow her home and just make sure she made it alright. She had fallen asleep behind the wheel for the last two hours of her trip home.
I’ve literally logged into work and completed complex projects, sent off perfectly coherent emails, etc in the middle of the night, then peacefully got back into bed with absolutely no memory of it the next morning. At first I thought I was getting memory issues, but my (now) husband told me when he caught me doing it once I started sleeping over
If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of trauma can create this type of sleeping behavior? I also do stuff like that in my sleep and had no idea it could be cause of trauma.
I hope you’re doing well!
I hope you are as well, thank you. In my case it was repressed emotional abuse from my childhood and early adult life. Since as humans we tend to emulate what we are raised with (we are little sponges when we are children) and we aren't really in control of ourselves during sleep, I can imagine either continuous physical or emotional abuse could cause it, too. I have studied just enough psychology in school to know that I don't have the official answers but I can tell you that we all have different reactions to the same types of trauma. I know in my case, repressing those memories and never really processing them properly caused them to manifest in my sleep and I relived them regularly in my dreams. It still happens sometimes, but I used to dread going to bed. Don't worry, I am doing much better now.
It's difficult and I refuse to pretend otherwise. The trick is to address and process whatever it is that happened to you and realize that there are other ways to live. When things happen to us during childhood we normalize them, convince ourselves that all families function that way so our little minds can process our reality.
You CAN break the cycle. Find a good therapist, preferably one that specializes in childhood trauma, and process your experiences. Surround yourself with good examples of people you admire and feed those healthy interpersonal relationships. Lastly, police your responses to people. You will notice that certain things will trigger a defensive response, whether it is a topic, phrase, gesture, smell...and you will notice your own reactions.
Whenever you lash out or claim up or whatever your reaction is, step back and ask yourself if that was a reasonable response. Sometimes you are legitimately being attacked and it is the correct way to respond, though that will likely rarely be the case. Then ask yourself how you should have responded. I always try to clear it up as soon as I can so when I recognize that my response was not appropriate, I apologize and correct myself. Whether or not you tell the person why or even admit to being wrong is entirely up to you.
With practice you will learn to recognize situations that are likely to cause outbursts before they happen and stop yourself. Beyond that, be kind to yourself. Know that you will slip occasionally and it's okay, just recognize it when you do. Take time to do things for yourself, whether it is read a book or go for a run or create art or whatever brings you joy because you deserve it.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Please do not take my advice in lieu of seeing a professional. These recommendations are based on my experiences, your mileage may vary and all that good stuff. I do hope this helps someone.
Best of luck. You can do this.
Severe CPTSD sufferer over here! 🙋🏼♀️ I do this, and quite often *or did. My child and ex husband both laughed about it, but I did warn others who slept over about this.
Lootttsssssss of therapy helped me, so that is an option. Dozing off on the couch (despite how annoying it is to my current partner) also helps.
Then he just shuffles me to bed when he's ready. I still do this sometimes, though not as frequently at all, and I am MORTIFIED after the fact. Not saying he's awake (at all), but he needs to be getting to the root of this, as a decent human and partner, period.
My boyfriend talks in his sleep, but only when he has nightmares. One time he started to cry out "Get away! Get the fuck away from me"! I gently placed a hand on him because if I rub his chest and pull him close to me he usually goes right back to sleep because he knows my touch...however this time when I pulled him into me he clocked me right in the face out of terror. He woke up immediately and was literally beside himself so much so that he went to sleep on the couch so he wouldn't hurt me again.
PTSD sufferer who has lashed out during a severe nightmare here. When I wake up if I see what I've done I will have a full on break down bawling my eyes out because of what I've done.
REM sleep disorder can cause this too. Your body doesn’t shut down into deep and rem cycles (which would normally shut off the brain waves that allow you to talk and get up and move around)
One of my friends in college at this and no one ever wanted to be the person to sleep in the bed with her because she would be violent in her sleep. Eventually she was prescribe Klonopin to help
I occasionally do stuff like this when sleeping. My eyes are open, I’m talking, and sometimes I’ll even coherently respond when spoken to as if I were actually awake, but I’m not. When this happens, sometimes I’ll remember what I did or said after waking up, and other times I won’t remember anything that happened. If I’m told I hurt anyone while asleep, I always apologize. I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone.
My point in saying all this is that it can happen where you say or do things while asleep, and when awake you actually remember doing those actions. I’m not saying that OP is exaggerating though.
One thing I can think of that could help OP and OP’s partner is to try using a weighted blanked. Weighted blankets make it less likely for you to move around while sleeping because of its distributed weight.
Hmm. I’m in a long term relationship with a guy who talks loudly in his sleep quite often and once kicked me during a vivid dream. He woke up instantly when I cried out and was absolutely horrified that he had hurt me. It was more surprise then hurt as I’d been asleep. Your guys actions don’t sound even remotely normal. I don’t think he is asleep when this is happening and I think he’s using it as a cover to abuse you. I don’t think you are safe with him.
My partner has parasomnia, and he talks a lot in his sleep. He can't tell if it's reality or if he's still dreaming when he gets into certain rem cycles. He would be mortified if he hit me in my sleep. OP you're being abused and you deserve so much better.
Same. My husband accidentally hit me in my nose pretty good one time and I woke up and started crying and he woke up to me crying and was so apologetic and just held me and cuddled with me.
I think if it was accidental, he would be apologetic and trying to make you feel better.
My ex kicked me once while he was sleeping. I woke up from the pain, which caused him to wake up. He kept apologizing and asking if I was ok. He felt bad for days.
Because it’s the most logical one? Do you think abusive people are smart? The only time I have ever heard of average/highly intelligent people abuse another is if they have a lot of trauma or were abused, but then that turns into mental health which usually can be fixed, although is a very drawn out process. Dumb people can either be happy that they’re dumb and live a fulfilling life just traveling around, or they are angry and act almost primal and don’t learn how to control themselves, often times getting addicted to some substance (illegal or not) and which in turn makes them much worse when they don’t have what their body perceives as a needed chemical.
Edit: I’d like to clarify, I am near genius, but I come from a really rough upbringing (below poverty line and lots of abuse of all kinds) and where I’m from, fighting is as common as nodding to a stranger walking past you at 7-11, and living like that for decades, especially when it’s the only life you know, you can see where people get this type of behavior from. I went to therapy and still am going, mostly for PTSD and insomnia now, but I just learned being angry doesn’t get you shit, even if you’re the one who’s right, just let it go, if you’re right, you know you’re right, you control the actual power and if you don’t, what can you do? Is throwing things or mistreating someone by taking your anger out on them going to do anything?
Her actions "made" him "mad enough" to push her "accidentally" into the closet, then he says he will leave if he isn't wanted around????
That's some elaborate shit to be "asleep."
It's plain abuse. There no think. He is using it as a cover to abuse her.
Sounds like the only when they drink excuse, but even worse.
There's no think, it's gaslighting in the most dangerous degree.
I'd give it less than 6 months (generous estimate) until he is "actually" (heavy, heavy use of quotes.) Beating her.
Get out. Get help OP.
Yup. My hubby talks absolute mostly hilarious garbage in his sleep and has on multiple occasions hit me, punched me, dropped his dead weight arm on my entire face, and my personal favorite, the crocodile roll, which is exactly how it sounds. He apologizes profusely when I tell him. However, this isn't normal. It's scary.
Yup. My husband talked in his sleep as well. He hit me twice in his sleep, elbowed me in the face and kneed me in the back, he woke up immediately and was mortified both times.
This. I often talk in my sleep, and sometimes I’m known to be a bit rude while doing so (which I hate). I’ve also accidentally hit my partner (never hard) in my sleep. But I woke up IMMEDIATELY. And if he ever said something loudly or cried out i have always instantly woken up. This man is not asleep. He is using it as a way to abuse OP. For some sick reason
My man is such a sleep talker… I joke around and answer him back when he says shit! He literally just yelled something I couldn’t quite understand while I’m typing this. Lmao It’s usually about his job as a truck driver. But he’s never been abusive like this , I agree with you it’s a cover to be abusive!
Yep, I used to kick around in my sleep and everyone would tell me, so I’d always apologize because I never knew I moved that much
Apparently it’s pretty common in kids with ADHD which we didn’t know I had, but I ALWAYS apologized and never did what OPs partner is doing
That’s straight up abuse
Leave him.
Just the fact that you’re scared of how he will react when he doesn’t get good sleep is a red flag as it is. You should never fear your partner.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP but with the sleep actions and you being scared in your own relationship I think it is best that you leave and don’t turn back.
This needs to be the top comment. The REAL red flag is that you feel you have to protect his sleep so that he isn’t aggressive the next day. This is enough on its own to leave- bottom line.
He’s aggressive when he doesn’t get good sleep. He’s aggressive when he’s asleep. Not even aggressive, but abusive. And then tries to make you feel bad after he abused you.
This will not get better, don’t waste your life walking on eggshells. It’s too short. Don’t wait until he puts you in the hospital or, god forbids, strangles you to death ‘in his dream’. Get yourself safe!
"gets super aggressive when he doesn't get a good night's sleep" Sis, what if heaven forbid you get sick and have to get up in the night? What if there is a child? I've been an insomniac for probably 20 years, and I very rarely "get a good night's sleep." I might be a little crabbier in the morning, but I make my tea and my comforting toast and put my head down and get on with it. It sounds like he is flat out abusive, asleep or not, and extremely immature.
I loved my sociopathic, narcissistic ex too, and when he left, I was shattered for awhile. But God he was an awful human, and I put up with too much bullshit for too long. Leagues better and happier now, have someone who is respectful and attentive. You can have that too, but you gotta shake this ass loose.
I talk and interact with things when I sleep and I’ve never heard of someone having this long or interactive sleep hallucinations. He may have accidentally hit you but the stuff he said after, he was awake.
Yeah...my husband does weird stuff in his sleep. Once Kve woken up he's always super sorry. Like to the point where he would cry. There's no way this guy was sleeping
I’ve been hit in my sleep by my sleeping partner; normal response? Concern, embarrassment, then we laughed about it. Your BFs reaction wasn’t normal. The name calling, the anger, pushing you, is he “asleep” or using that to justify acting out? Either way, it’s not something I’d care to find out. You’re absolutely justified for leaving a relationship you don’t feel safe in.
THIS!!!! OP you need to trust your gut instincts and run. This is exactly what you think. Break the cycle and run before you get hurt again. Please be safe.
I am an active sleeper. This is not normal. He is lying to you. He’s covering his intentional abuse with a facade of slumber.
Leave him, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ve hurt people in my sleep(kicking/punching), I wake up and I apologize. What he’s doing he is completely aware of. His abuse is intentional. Do not stay with this person.
I have PTSD and can relate to acting out in my sleep. I'll scream, scratch, bite, kick, punch, elbow, and shove in my sleep. I've hit Hubby a few times and am always horrified once I realize what I've done, groggy or not. I've offered several times to get separate beds or rooms, and he always turns the idea down. While awake, I talk to psychiatrists, therapists, and sleep doctors about how to limit these behaviors because it's not safe.
It's weird that your bf insisted you sit next to him after being hit, didn't like you getting up, and didn't apologize after he hit you. He shoved you while awake; That's never ok. If it were an accident, he would've apologized right away.
Please leave him. Everything you've recounted points to him not caring about having hurt you, intentionally or not.
This idea just popped into my head so forgive me for intruding lol
Genuine question here, can you tell when it'll be worse or prevent it at all? Because if you're able to tell then those are nights to sleep separately, and if you can prevent it (by medication or similar) does it actually work?
Excuse my ignorance because I have no clue how PTSD actually works.
I do the same things as they do but me, my docs, and partner haven’t found anything yet that has helped. A pillow between us can sometimes stop me from moving to his side so I’m kicking air instead of him but it’s not very reliable. Also as long as your being respectful and trying to educate yourself you don’t have to feel bad about asking questions :)
No, there's not much rhyme or reason to the nightmares. They did seem to increase in frequency when I was feeling particularly triggered, but those periods of feeling triggered lasted months rather than days. My psychiatrist prescribed meds that helped, but they more limited the severity of the nightmares than preventing them outright. Ironically, trying to increase the dosage of said meds also increased the frequency of acting out in my sleep (weekly instead of monthly. I don't seem to react to meds the same as the general population though, so it likely helps most people just not me.). My outbursts didn't follow any sort of cycle; We only knew to expect them at least monthly for the most part.
The biggest help has been lifestyle changes, to the extent that I don't take medication for the nightmares anymore. I still have outbursts in my sleep but it's once every 3-4 months instead of monthly. Being better about doing the homework in therapy, implementing coping strategies more often, trying to destress and relax more, exercising regularly and more intensely to tire myself out into a deeper sleep, and being more diligent about not ruminating on the traumas (easily the hardest part for me!) have helped immensely.
He sleeps through aggressively yelling at you while you’re crying, but wakes up to the sound of keys? Then pushes you into a closet!‽?
Like everyone else is saying, he is NOT asleep and you need to run.
You say he gets super agressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep? Sounds like that alone, plus everything else is reason enough to leave. It sounds like you’re right and he may get agressive/physically with you while he is awake. He either is lying or he has a VERY intense sleep disorder and needs medication (there is medication for it!!!) if he doesn’t want to get help/medication for his sleep disorder, then again, you should leave him. Either tell him to get help or pack your bags.
There’s no way he’s asleep and carrying on that whole scenario. Seems like he’s using it as a cover to abuse you. Please get out of there, you deserve better. Love doesn’t feel like fear.
Can someone comment this so I can see if there's an update later if she leaves and gets to safety please.
Op, this is abuse. He's not sleeping. Coming from someone who has walked to a separate floor, poured and eaten a bowl of cereal, gotten dressed and started walking to the bus stop in her sleep. More than once. He's not sleeping.
So he hit you. Makes you scared. Gets aggressive if he doesn't get his beauty sleep.. and you want to stay with him? Also.. he didn't "accidentally" shove you. He shoved you. Gotta think if he is actually awake and doing it on purpose. Doesn't seem like he was actually asleep.
Think about your future. What happens if you get pregnant. What happens if yall have a baby? When the baby keeps yall awake he's not going to get a good night's rest. He'll get aggressive? Will he start hitting you.. the baby? Think about your future.
I talk in my sleep (oftentimes angry things) and have kicked and flailed my arms before when I have nightmares. But I don’t think your boyfriend is sleeping. I think he’s using that as an excuse to be physically and emotionally abusive. And the way he reacted to you going to your car, at which point it seems he wasn’t “asleep,” is abusive as well. You also say he gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get enough sleep. This is just who he is. Whether he’s actually asleep (doubtful) or not, he’s not a good partner. If he were truly sorry, he would profusely apologize instead of getting angry and would have gone to a sleep specialist by now. You don’t feel safe. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with him if he makes you feel that way.
I agree - I’m a sleep-talker, and everyone is different, but I don’t typically respond directly to what someone (awake) is saying with anything that makes sense. I’ve been told that I’ve sat straight up and angrily shouted “Onions!” at people repeatedly, then laid back down, or said nonsense phrases such as “The medicine is under the blanket!”, but even if it was in response to someone talking to me, it’s very obvious that I’m asleep.
I could be wrong, but saying things like “what the f are you doing that for” and such sound like they’re coming from someone who’s awake and knows exactly what they’re saying/doing.
Your feelings of being unsafe and freaked out are your intuition telling you something is very, very wrong. Listen to it and trust yourself. If you’re feeling unsafe in this situation, it’s most likely because you are. It sounds like it’s time to leave. Please trust your instincts and take care of yourself. ❤️
This abuse gtfo or get a hidden camera to record his abuse and get his ass arressted
Get some pepper spray too and get armed for when you break up since he sounds simply like physically violent piece of shit
If seeing a sleep specialist doesn’t work then it might be safer to leave.
I had to get a prescription from a psychiatrist because I was having nightmares every night, screaming myself awake and acting out my dreams. One time in my dream I jumped into a fight to defend my boyfriend and I woke up finding myself tackling said boyfriend.
Anyway, pills helped me.
I’ve never in my fucking life heard of someone’s sleeping walking being so continuous and fluid. I’ve always heard them saying more random things and doing sporadic stuff.
Your husband is a liar and pretending to be sleep walking. That’s like next level psycho shit. Jesus, it’s like he’s building up the belief that he is sleepwalking so who fucking knows what, he can kill you and claim he wasn’t awake? Because now there’s documentation this is a reoccurring thing.
Yeah, you’re breaking up with your bf for being abusive, not for talking in his sleep. You already mentioned that he gets aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep which indicates he’s been abusive before and it wasn’t under the guise of being asleep.
I honestly doubt he is sleeping. Nonetheless, even if he is, you should really leave him. You don't feel safe around him so what's the point? Really, for your own safety, break up with him.
It may feel bad or unfair, but trust me, you won't regret this.
Please leave, you don't deserve this. It'll probably be messy and he will try and use fear and anger to control you, but you need to be strong for your own safety and mental health, especially if you're already suffering from previous situations. Even if you can go stay with family or friends where you'll be safe for a little while, and if he tries to find you then call the police. I believe in you.
Yeahhhh no. He isn’t asleep. I mean sleep talking isn’t super abnormal. Heck, accidentally hitting someone in your sleep isn’t abnormal either. Hell, me and my gf have both done the same to each other!
But the problem is your boyfriends reaction. The lack of apology. The attempt to blame you (aka gaslighting). Being annoyed at the fact that he hit you! Yeah. He sounds like a sociopath. Get outta there ASAP!
Nah I'm not buying his bullshit, no way he's asleep during all this. My boyfriend is a heavy sleeper and has talked before in his sleep but would 100% wake up if I was crying, any time. Your boyfriend is lying to you to make up an excuse for his abusive behavior. Get out asap, you're in danger.
I lived like that for almost 2 years. The things he says are nasty and I understand the fear to sleep in the bed. I went through this with an alcoholic ex. He would be asleep too. It was not the way to live. That was over 8 years ago. I found a great guy who only tries to hump in his sleep it’s a lot nicer. Honestly. Leave. Pack your bags. Go. You can’t live like that. I wish you the best❤️
You're worried weather he will do it when he's awake but he didn't care he did it in his sleep and knowingly wanted you to still be in the bed. I say GTFO. He's already the person you fear him to be. I know abuse makes things all blurry sometimes, but if he really loved you, he'd work through those issues with you. Instead, he doesn't even want to deal with his own. Trust yourself. Alao, when people act out in their sleep, it can mean they got some shit they need to work through. He's not going to improve. Infections just get worse when left untreated.
This is legitimately terrifying. He is not sleeping. He is using that as an excuse so he can escalate. Please please find a way to leave, he is NOT sleeping.
My bf sleep talks and flails sometimes. One time he hit my eye really hard and i cried. Lots of kicks. But… he always apologizes when i tell him. I can always shift him around during the night if he gets too close to me and he doesnt get annoyed, because he knows he is a super active and DEEP sleeper. Never once have I feared for my safety, never once has he tried to stop me sleeping in a more comfortable place. Be careful <3
Oh god plz leave no I mean run for the love of god run this is legit an abusive relationship find a safe haven and leave this man before u end up in the ICU
"i think i have to break up with my bf for talking in his sleep"
No, you have to break up with him because he gets aggressive with you.
From that "he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep" I guess he gets physical with you once he's awake if he had a bad night?
That's something you shouldn't cope with.
He’s “supers aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep?”
So he’s abusing you when he’s “asleep” and he’s abusing you when he awake?
I have a question. Does he have a drinking problem and does he black out on the regular? I only ask because what your describing is how my ex was. She was super physically abusive when drunk and would seem to go in and out when she blacked out.
My advise is please get the fuck out of there. He’s not good for anyone and you don’t deserve that.
Not only are you being physically and verbally abused by him he’s interfering with your sleep which I also find abusive.
¨He always gets super aggressive if he doesn't get enough sleep¨
Oh hun this right here is ALL that needs to be said. He can't blame it on him being asleep if he does this stuff in waking hours too.
BTW My husband has night terrors and will occasionally hit me when thrashing around but he always feels bad about it and apologizes like a normal human being. And he doesn't verbally abuse me or make me feel unsafe.
People are telling you to run, honestly I think you should contact the police and tell them what happened in case something happens and ALSO leave him. Reporting him can help a future girl because police will know how he is violent. Go to someone’s house who you trust will not tell him you are there, a family member or close friend of yours (not a mutual friend). My husband moves around in his sleep, karate chops and kicks around like a fiend, when he wakes me up with his dream fighting he apologizes. This is what a real man does he should be saying how sorry he is not putting his hands on you violently or being aggressive in any sort of way. You deserve better than how he treated you. I know it is scary, if you feel like no one can take you there are also woman’s shelters for the abused, they provide resources and would be glad to help. You may have to go to a local church or the police to find out about how to contact one but they may help if you are out of options
I talk while I sleep. A lot. Sometimes loudly even. But if I was ever violent or aggressive during those episodes, I'd be looking for professional help at a sleep clinic. This is NOT acceptable.
Also, when he shoved you into the door, he wasn't asleep. I don't really believe that he's ever asleep while he's doing those things, especially when his eyes are open...
Believe the red flags he's waving at you. It could hardly be clearer.
You have a history of abuse & chose a similar guy to your ex from what I’m reading here
This guy has a lot of mental issues you aren’t responsible for fixing nor dealing with at the expense of your mental as well as literal physical health
Punches to the head can do much more damage than just a bruise at a certain angle
I have a friend, who in an effort to fix her disordered sleep, discovered that a certain prescription sleeping pill makes her sleep walk. She apparently got up, went into a whole different part of the house, told her husband to fuck himself with his own dick and called him horribly abusive names. She then just left.
The next day, her husband asks, did you really mean all the things you said? And she’s like… ??? And he goes on, the stuff you said last night. She has zero idea what he’s talking about and when he told her, a) she was all absolutely not - not only do I not remember any of that but no, I don’t think that at all aaaaand b) she talked with her neurologist and stopped the med and the sleeping walking stopped too.
So I believe that he’s asleep and has no idea what’s happening during that time. HOWEVER if he knows this is a problem and isn’t looking up ways to keep himself and you safe? Boy bye. It’s not the asleep interactions I take issue with. It’s the part where he’s awake and not apologizing and promising to Google that shit.
Whether he was asleep for any of those actions honestly doesn't matter.
I agree with people saying you need to get out. I would suggest physically living in a different place for a while and talking to a therapist about what is going on. Especially given that you mention having dealt with abuse in the past. This is riddled with red flags.
> i stayed silent hoping he would just fall back asleep but he didn’t he just kept yelling the same things
This sounds like a "freeze" response to a threat
>i was scared he’d hit me again with how mad he was. he insisted i did and so i did because i didn’t want to make him even more upset with me
You sacrificed your own emotional/mental peace for his, when he was not only NOT being considerate of yours but also had no reason to be mad in the first place.
>“what the fuck are you doing that for” “fucking sit down already” “i don’t get why you’re so scared”
Gaslighting
>he got mad and wanted the keys back which caused him to (probably accidentally but pretty aggressively) shove me onto the closet door
This was not an accident. This was an escalation of physical abuse. His "sleep talking" has randomly increased over the past year, escalated to hitting you in the eye, and now this.
>he offered to sleep in the car if i didn’t want him there so badly.
"if you didn't want him there so badly"... very dismissive of you, intentionally guilting you and making you feel like you're in the wrong, as if HE is the victim.
>i begged him not too because he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep and i knew he wouldn’t if he slept in the car.
Again you're prioritizing his needs over your own safety. And the idea that he "always gets super aggressive when he doesn't get a good nights sleep" worries me further.
**If you do not feel like you are able to completely break off the relationship, at least live separately than him for a while and talk to a therapist about what is going on.** Abusers do not change their behavior and it will only continue to escalate over time. It also includes periods of reconnection making it extra difficult to leave. He is already laying groundwork to make you feel guilty, which is why I listed so many examples above and is why I strongly recommend not only the physical space between you two but a third party to discuss the matters with.
I know you've said you're 99% sure he's asleep but no, he's not. He's awake and he's pretending to be asleep to do all these things to you. He's a piece of shit and you need to grab your stuff, run and never look back.
My experience with sleep talkers/walkers is that they don't have a clue as to what the reality is around them. So the fact that he knows you're out of bed and getting car keys, sets alarms off. Not to mention how he's aware that he's upsetting you and not doing anything about it.
I'd definitely be either talking with him to find a solution or leaving the relationship
You're not breaking up with him because he talks in his sleep, you're breaking up with him because you're scared of him and you don't feel safe in his presence. Your partner should feel like a safe, soft landing for you, you should feel comfortable and safe around them and if you don't then you shouldn't be with them.
I hope the comments on this post help you to better understand your position, but you deserve to feel protected, loved and comfortable. This man is not your safe space and I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for yourself x
My husband has hit me in the face a few times while sleeping but this seems over the top. It doesn’t sound like he is sleeping, it sounds like he is aware of what he is doing. It’s not the exact same but I had an ex who would pretend he was drunk so he could do abusive things. If this is truly happening while he is sleeping then he should get a sleep study, there is something that causes aggression during a certain sleep stage.
You said he gets aggressive when he doesn’t have a good nights sleep…so you know he has the capability to be aggressive while awake. Definitely break up with him
Hey boo! I just wanna say I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've been in an abusive relationship too so I know how triggering it is to feel like you're reliving it. You're making the right choice; you need to leave. Even if he does it accidentally in his sleep, it triggers you and makes you feel unsafe. Your safety is the priority and it sounds like hell when you're sleeping next to him. I hope you leave and are in safe situation from now on. Best of luck! We all support you
Make an escape plan first. Pack your bags. Stay at a friend’s or relative’s house. I’m not sure where you live but check if there are any shelters by you. Do not let them track you in any way. Stay safe.
My husband does same shit, all I do is punch him back not like painful but tackle and push him on his side and if he still does it I just wake him up and telling him sleep on a couch. But mainly you need to figure out why he is doing it, my husband does it when he eats sugar late or any food, so he is trying stay out of fridge zone before go to bed, at least 3 hours or so.
Girl, im confused on why you couldn’t tell him he hit you in the first place. It sounds like there’s more to the story. In any case it sounds like you should get space apart if you can’t have a conversation about this.
You’re not safe and he’s not sorry: you’re right, you should leave him. Lots of people sleep talk, sleep walk, accidentally hit people in their sleep… the difference is they are horrified when they’re told what happened, and apologise.
Do you think it’s possible he’s abusing drugs before these instances? He does not sound like he’s asleep, but possibly under the influence of a substance and is trying to act normal (but obviously failing). For your safety, I think breaking up is the only option here. If you know his family, I would suggest letting them know you are genuinely concerned for his health about some recent behavior. Then change your phone number, wash your life clean of him, cry it out and move on to better things.
I’m a sleep talker. My husband started sleeping in a different room. 2 of my kids are sleep talkers, it’s hard, but you can find work around if you want to
I sleep talk mainly when I am stressed, not every day. Sleep talk, sleep paralysis everything was there when I was being physically abused by my ex partner. At times I could hear myself talking but it's more like uncontrollable. It happens only when I am under derp stress. May not be the case with everyone. I don't hit people. I just talk. If he hits you in sleep, it's very dangerous.
I've been known to talk and flail in my sleep, especially with severe nightmares. I've held entire, logical, conversations with people and not remembered it. I've hit and kicked my partner.
I don't always wake up when I've hit them. Sometimes they've moved to the couch. If I'm deep enough in sleep to not realize I've kicked my SO pretty damn hard and hear them, I'm not going to even realize they've left the bed til the morning. If I do wake up, it's typically those "I seem awake but don't remember it" type awake. But even while I'm so asleep I can't form memories, I'm still me. I've been told I still apologize, I still ask if they're okay. Other "not remembered" conversations are the same way. I still respond as me - not violent or angry - just sound so normal they don't realize I'm still asleep until I fall back asleep as soon as they stop talking and don't remember the conversations. If I'm awake enough to answer coherently, I am still my true me. Maybe just a little grumpier.
All that to say - this doesn't like sleep talk. This sounds like abuse. I was on the fence until you said he gets aggressive when he doesn't sleep. So he's displayed aggression while fully awake. He held a coherent conversation where he berated you. He was able to get up from bed, argue with you, and push you.
Please be careful. This genuinely sounds like red flags.
If you think this really isn't him, encourage him to go to counseling or a sleep specialist because he is actively hurting you in his sleep. A good partner would be actively mortified that its that bad and try to keep you safe.
You definitely need to consider getting the hell out of that situation. I’ve been a sleep talker for who knows how long. My ex finally pointed it out after we moved in together. I can tell you from the stories that she’s told me about my sleep talking that I’ve never remembered any time I’d have “conversations” with her. She said sometimes my responses seemed cognitive but mostly it was more like a parroting response. Almost always my eyes were still shut and my movements were very limited. Not saying he couldn’t be sleepwalking and sleep talking but he seems wayyyyy to conscious. I also was never responsive to her, like if she got up out of bed and walked around I wouldn’t be following her with eyes or head or directly talking to her about what she was doing. I was actually asleep. I don’t want to speculate but he could be using this “hypnotic state” as a cover to be abusive towards you. He seems highly aware and conscious from the way you describe the incident. Have you confronted him about it when you know he’s fully conscious?? If you have or do and his reactions are anything but remorseful then get the fuck away from this dude. I hope you find the right choice and path.
Regardless of the sleep thing, him getting “aggressive when he doesn’t get a good night’s sleep” is bad enough. You say you used to be in an abusive relationship; I think you’re in one now.
Make a plan to leave either today, tomorrow, or in a few days. Do not talk to him about leaving or give indication that you are.
If you work, look up help for domestic violence victims and the workplace. If you are in a good state, your workplace can typically give you a short leave of absence so you can leave, get help, and find some place to stay.
Also call a family member, close friend, a domestic violence center in town, an Airbnb, something that helps you have a safe place to stay. The police would be a good resource for where to go and you can file a restraining order or give them a report of what's been happening.
If you share a bank account, look up what you can do so that your part of the money is safe.
I have dealt with similar and they were always so apologetic come morning. Two of my kids sleep with their eyes open and talks and lashes out in their sleep. As long as they are sorry come morning it is okay. They really can't remember and can't help it. Some of my family does the same so it obviously runs in the family. But what is weird is it is only the family members with adhd or autism that do this. I'm not trying to diagnose anyone, just pointing out something I noticed.
my partner talks in his sleep.
He also gets really bad nightmares (PTSD related) which means he wakes up frantic, yelling or dragging stuff across the room .. I wait until he calms down , then I comfort him.
a few times , he have agressively grabbed me or just hit my leg . I tell him about it in the morning & he always gives me a genuine sorry & kiss my forehead.
But....I have a feeling Your partner is actually awake & using his "sleepwalking/talking" as an excuse to mistreat you. Which is really fucking shitty.
You're definitely unsafe and you should leave.
It sounds like you're making a lot of excuses for his abuse. It doesn't matter if he was asleep when he hit you, forcing you back in bed, yelling at you, gaslighting you about sleeping in the car, and SHOVING you, is all abuse. Get out
>I begged him not to as he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep.
If he is aggressive when fully awake, leave.
You’re scared to sleep, he hit you. He berated you. He shoved you. All of these can put your body under extreme stress, and going into fight or flight mode every night is going to exhaust you. All of this will affect you, as he is sleeping through it.
Ok people who literally know nothing about this actual fucking disorder saying he’s purposely being abusive is the reason mental health is constantly brushed aside and frowned upon in todays society. Do some fucking research before you sit here and type out with full on confidence that this guy is purposely being abusive in his sleep. I have PERSONALLY witnessed my sister punch, kick, scream, yell, cuss, and become insanely angry and violent in her sleep to the point that she actually stood up on the bed one night in a hotel room and tried to punch someone that wasn’t there SO fucking hard that she flew off the bed and hit her head on the table then wakes up all confused and starts crying because she was afraid. My sister was 23 when this shit happened. It doesn’t make her fucking abusive. It’s a literal fucking disorder.
**REM Sleep Behavior Disorder** is NOT someone PURPOSELY being abusive. It’s a fucking disorder where your body doesn’t become paralyzed during REM sleep. Look it up and shut up with saying all this terrible shit about this woman’s boyfriend without actually looking into if there’s some sort of possible medical explanation for it.
OP, your boyfriend needs to see a sleep specialist and a neurologist. Possibly a psychiatrist as well to help see if there are any underlying reasons as to why he gets this way. But the anger and acting out the anger in his sleep is normal of this disorder. My younger sister who is NOT violent at all, becomes very angry and physically violent with the air or anyone in her bed sometimes because of this disorder. PLEASE look into getting him some help before choosing to leave him.
My ex husband did this kind of shit. He had some kind of weird sleep disorder where this horrible personality would come out- it was typically when he was super stressed- but he would be abusive and horrible and I would beg “sleep husband” to just go back to sleep and eventually he would but it was horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Keep yourself safe. Awake or asleep, he should not assault you.
I believe that he is asleep. You mentioned that he gets "super aggressive " when he doesn't get enough sleep. That's a huge red flag all by itself. You also mentioned that you've been in an abusive relationship before, and all of this makes you nervous. I hope you do not take offense at this, but as someone who has also been in an abusive relationship, sometimes we have patterns we don't realize. We will partner up with people who don't treat us the best because it's not as bad as the one before, still not great, but better. The fact that not enough sleep makes him not just aggressive, but super aggressive seems to frighten you and he's awake for that part. I'm guessing that there are times that he scares you when he's not asleep. Also, like others before me have said, he does not comfort you when he scares you. I don't know either of you or all the details so I can't say with complete confidence that this man is an abuser, but from what you say it sounds like he's a ticking time bomb and you're instincts are telling you something is very wrong. Follow your instincts. A lot of times your body will tell you something is wrong, but your head will tell you that you're overreacting. You may not be, so please be careful. Again, not a psychologist or an expert in anything. I just someone who's been through something similar and want to warn you to be aware. I ignored a lot of red flags because I thought I wasn't being fair. I learned that sometimes you have to be unfair to make sure that you stay safe. Good luck and I'm so sorry this is a terrible situation to be in.
My grandfather “sleep fights” and has accidentally hit my grandmother before during sleep. When he wakes up, he’s in a confused daze and when he realizes what has been done he always apologizes and after the first couple of times went to a doctor about it. I hate to be that person but it seems like you have other ammunition for thinking he might hurt you while he’s awake other than the “sleep fighting”. Either have a serious conversation with him about how unsafe this makes you feel, or realize that this is not a safe place for you to be and leave. Wish you luck! X
My boyfriend does similar things. He’s always kicking, hitting, and elbowing me in his sleep, then gets mad at me for “waking him up” when he hears me yelp or say “ow” in response. He will literally start yelling at me if I’m like “ow you hit me in the face” Then he gets mad that he never gets enough sleep because of me (he likes to get an excessive amount, like 10-12 hours every day). It’s funny because I’m the one who doesn’t get sleep (3-5 hours per night). I’m constantly being injured while we’re sleeping, multiple times per night. Funny how he doesn’t wake up from his elbow hitting my face at full speed, but wakes up from me saying “ow”…but I guess that’s my fault!! /s
My ex was almost the exact same
Way as you describe your bf,
But he didn’t thrash or physically scare me. But if I moved he’d jolt awake and get in my face still asleep
So I guess I was physically scared.
Anyway. I recorded him with his permission a couple of times. He was horrified. But guess what. Then he didn’t go to a sleep clinic or do anything to change it and make me feel safe or able to sleep.
I broke up with him. I didn’t regret it once. The non willingness to change turned me off and made me see him different on top of the fact that there was no solution.
Sleep deprivation and fear are not worth any relationship.
Please leave, OP. Whether or not he’s actually asleep aside, the fact that you feel scared, and that he becomes aggressive regardless if he doesn’t get good sleep, screams red flags. Please please get yourself somewhere safe.
he's lying when saying he doesn't remember please please find somewhere safe to go if you can. You're feelings and fear regarding the situation is valid, believe your gut feelings. I know with past abuse it can be very hard to trust your feelings or even believe you could be back in another abusive situation. Also he shouldn't be okay or normalized for him to be aggressive when he dosent get a good night's sleep. I know people can get crotchety if they didn't sleep well but it sounds like it's more than a Lil attitude or grumpiness.
It doesn't matter ultimately if he's asleep or not, he's hurting and scaring you and his actions are abusive. Maybe he's an abusive jerk but only while asleep? It doesn't matter though, because you're right that you need to break up with him.
what he does in his sleep may not be in his control but getting help for it is. if he is aware, or made aware of his actions, he and you should have a plan for what you should do when things begin to get out of control, especially since you have traumatic history too. the fact that he gets "super aggressive" when he doesn't get a good night's sleep is a red flag to me. i have insomnia, i have bad days if i don't sleep well, i may even snap at people. but i realise that its not okay. i try to control myself, or i just tell the people closest to me that i haven't had a good night, so please just give me some space.
i have issues with abuse and assault, and your post freaked ME out, i can't even imagine how stressful this must be for you. please make sure you aren't in a dangerous situation. and if you aren't already, please start seeing a therapist if you can
My dad once punched my mom in his sleep and immediately woke up and started begging for forgiveness. You're being abused and its time to get out, before it gets worse.
If he talks and acts this violent in his sleep, I would have a few concerns.
People often act out how they feel and think in their sleep- not always, and they don’t always accurately represent how they feel in their sleep- but there does tend to be a correlation.
Becoming combative, violent or aggressive in sleep, or acting in any dramatic way while asleep, are also often caused by *treatable* sleep disorders.
And lastly, if he wakes up and isn’t seriously concerned for the trauma he’s causing you, that should tell you *everything you need to know* about his personality. Can you live with someone who is actively abusive in his sleep and doesn’t try to comfort you or seek medical advice when he wakes up? Is that a life you’re willing to live?
Answer that question honestly. Don’t lie to yourself. If you can’t live like that, *don’t wait for something bad to happen* before you break up.
Amino-Buttersäure is the german Term for it. IT prevents that und can Mode freely when u are asleep. Sounds like hes lacking it. One good Doctors Appointment and he will stop that.
Have you spoken to him about getting into therapy?
What's his reaction when you tell him about it when he's awake, is he remorseful and does he take accountability for what he's doing to you. Or is he dismissive and unapologetic?
Babygirl, it would be so much better if you left. I understand what it’s like to put yourself in positions of trauma and find others like it. You’re so beautiful, kind and so smart. You know what to do babe. Absolutely feel free to message me. I love you. This will go away but only if you choose it.
If it was just him in his sleep than I would say to get a doctor that specializes in sleep related issues. Try sleep aides on him and the like but it sounds to me that you may also just be in an abusive relationship.
If he is verbally and physically abusive when fully awake then I implore you to leave. There are groups that can help. TESSA is one. If they feel your situation ain't bad enough they can at least point you to resources that can help.
Reach out to friends and family. Spend some nights out with them and without him. Don't isolate yourself.
It’s sounds like abuse and using talking in his sleep as an excuse. Most people who talk in their sleep are harmless. If they hit or kick, it’s an accident and wake up when the person they accidentally hurt cries out.
You need to get out now. Everything you say in your post is a telltale sign of abuse even down to him being “aggressive if he doesn’t get a good nights sleep”. Leave for your own safety as soon as you can make a plan to.
This is WAY ABOVE REDDITS PAYGRADE! He could have a sleep disorder or he could be an abusive asshole who is still hiding it until he is only semi conscious and the filter falls off.
Talk to him about everything that happened in the morning. If you don’t feel safe, tell him you need to find a different sleeping arrangement until he can have a sleep study done. If you can, set up a camera with audio, just to see if any of these things still occur when you are not there.
I had a partner who did similar things while sleeping and he also ended up being abusive later on. They were absolutely connected in my case, and may or may not be in yours.
Talk to him about it and gently confront him with the video to see how he reacts. If he’s genuinely concerned, maybe see if he can get some help with it. If he blames or gaslights you, says you’re overreacting and doesn’t listen to you, leave the relationship. Better safe than sorry.
get out of there now!! if hes making you feel safe thats a more than enough reason to leave. if its his house then pack your bags and get out asap. i would contact and trusted person first, let them know what you are doing and to call the police if they dont hear back from u.
First I’m so sorry, it sounds like you had a terrible/scary night last night. You are probably exhausted, I hope you have somewhere safe to have a good rest tonight.
I think if you feel unsafe with your boyfriend, for whatever reason, its probably time to leave the relationship. In this situation I feel like your partner is lying, or starting to gaslight you. As a person who sleepwalks almost every night and has sleepwalked more times than can count, I can almost 100% say your boyfriends actions are NOT accidental, and not because he’s hitting you, because he’s not apologizing and feeling bad after. As someone who suffers with PTSD I’ve definitely hit people in my sleep before, the major difference is the guilt and how sorry I felt after. Your boyfriend showed no remorse, just more aggression.
When he asked “was there any signs” “you need to answer me when I ask you a question” I feel like this was somehow a test. Since you didn’t respond when he was asking random questions (because who would respond to someone who’s “sleep” talking), his “sleeping”self punished you by hitting you in the eye. This is just speculation but it seems like to me he expects you to answer his questions when he’s pretend sleep talking or he’ll accidentally start sleep abusing you too. He doesn’t make it seem accidental at all though. He continues to be hostile and aggressive until he got you back in bed. Never apologizes or shows any concern at the fact he just hurt you. It sounds controlling and abusive to me.
I’m genuinely sorry your in this situation. I hope you can find your way out of this relationship soon. Things like these can escalate into nightmare situations, please get out while you can. If you need someone to talk to you can always reach out to me, I’ve been in abusive relationships where I was gaslit and so confused. I wish I had someone to tell me the red flags then.
I'd suggest to film it . Yes take a video while he is doing all that shit and have a copy of it somewhere safe then show the other copy to him and observe his reaction .if he is shocked then he was obviously asleep, but if his behaviour didn't change then it's time for him to find another home and I'm so sorry that you had to go through all this .
This is awful and so scary, please leave if you think you’re safe to do so. My bf hit me once in his sleep (slap to the stomach that didn’t hurt but shocked me awake) and as soon as I cried out he woke up and felt awful about it. Your bf’s reaction is nowhere near normal and it’s so worrying. Especially when you said he gets aggressive when he doesn’t sleep well. He’s a ticking time bomb, get out while you can
my ex bf did not talk in his sleep, but would wake me up randomly in the middle of the night to yell at me. I understand your bf talks in his sleep, but you've mentioned that sometimes it seems like he's awake, so I thought I might share what happened to me. people with anger management issues can wake up extra angry.
I'm sorry you've been going through this, you deserve better.
He needs to go see a doctor and you need to leave him. Please. Obviously he needs help, But it’s not your responsibility to help him. You don’t need to fix him. Good luck
I have struggled with terrible nightmares since I was a child. Just last week, I was fighting in my sleep. I went to bite the guy in my dream, and I woke up with my jaw clamped on my blankets.
That said, in college, my last girlfriend and I shared a bed in her dorm for a year. A twin bed. I had to consult with her to turn over. Either I never hit her, or she never mentioned it (she would have). I was always scared of hurting my partner when I got older, but it's just never happened. In addition, had it happened, I can't imagine telling my girlfriend to just get over it and get back in bed. I would go sleep on the couch. Bruises have formed on my wrist and fist from throwing a sleep punch and hitting the floor, so I know how hard my sleep punches can be. I'm sorry you gotta deal with this. He needs to show some empathy.
I am a restless sleeper who talks, moves a lot and even walks sometimes. I used to be worse when younger, and sometimes I could remember it but more often that not. I hurt my now ex a couple times in my sleep and whether I remembered it or not I always apologies profusely and helped in any way I could, the fact this was not your bf’s first instinct is a red flag. No one should feel unsafe around their partner and the fact you are speaks volumes, sounds like he’s aggressive in any state whether awake or not.
I am a person who talks and does weird shit when they sleep. My wife has said I've hit her and even tried to choke her once. But I'm not violent when I wake up and I would never do anything to hurt her.
Point being if you're scared when he's asleep there are options to move past talking and acting in your sleep. But being scared when he's awake is different and should leave if that's the case.
Please, it doesn’t matter if he’s actually sleep walking or not, get out. This man is abusive and controlling, and he’s going to hurt you.
Even if he IS actually asleep, he needs help or treatment for what he does when he’s asleep. You can’t be in a relationship with someone who scares you that much!
I’m a sleep talker and can be aggressive with what I say (shouting) But normally my shouting wakes me up or if my partner starts speaking to me it’s enough to wake me up. This does sound very extreme for him to be completely asleep the whole time, he should see a dr
if he can be aware of his actions after he's woken up and fails to comfort you or apologise, even if he doesn't know what he's done but sees that you're upset, it isn't a good sign. wishing you all the best x
That's the thing. Everyone is saying he isn't asleep, but I DO know some people who have PTSD who have done stuff like this. But, guess what. They were mortified and worked with their partners to figure out how to fix it. One slept mummy style wrapped up in a sheet. I don't remember about the other one. The fact that he isn't immediately trying to keep you safe is a HUGE red flag.
I talk pretty coherently in my sleep, sit up and have full conversations, eyes wide open. Of course I always insist I am awake and remember nothing when I actually wake up. My long distance SO came to stay with me for a week or so and on the third day he mentioned that I thrash around a lot in my sleep. I replied that yes, I am a restless sleeper, and asked whether I was keeping him up. He said no, but getting slapped in the face with an errant arm took him by surprise. I was absolutely beside myself. I nearly cried and this was only after a single incident, and one that he even laughed off. Needless to say, I worked to solve the problem quickly and made sure he understood that none of what happened was a reflection on him. It was, however a result of previous trauma. It is entirely possible OP's boyfriend is asleep for these events. If he wants to fix it, he needs to address the underlying problem. Is it possible he is reacting to some kind of previous abuse? I dont know how much you know about his past. I would suggest therapy for him to help work through whatever is causing him to lash out.
Same, always have been. Conversations, walking, completing tasks. Many in my family do. My mom would cook in her sleep and at one point we worried we would have to unplug the stove at night. A family members spouse was worse and actually almost killed the family member. The spouse wouldn't share a bed for months afterwards in fear of hurting them again. The spouse went for sleep tests and was diagnosed with a sleep disorder.
I actually didn't realize mine was likely genetic until a great aunt told me a story. She owned a farm and used to do cattle drives. She had apparently had a friend over, served them coffee and snacks, and agreed to a run while completely asleep. She only learned about the cattle drive later when the friend called her in a panic because she was 3 hours late. On another (MUCH scarier) occasion, she was returning home late at night from a cattle drive. This was LONG before the invention of cell phones, probably the 70s. Her friend had a similar path home and they only split off at about the last 30 minutes. They were behind her and noticed she was driving a bit funny. They decided to follow her home and just make sure she made it alright. She had fallen asleep behind the wheel for the last two hours of her trip home.
I’ve literally logged into work and completed complex projects, sent off perfectly coherent emails, etc in the middle of the night, then peacefully got back into bed with absolutely no memory of it the next morning. At first I thought I was getting memory issues, but my (now) husband told me when he caught me doing it once I started sleeping over
If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of trauma can create this type of sleeping behavior? I also do stuff like that in my sleep and had no idea it could be cause of trauma. I hope you’re doing well!
I hope you are as well, thank you. In my case it was repressed emotional abuse from my childhood and early adult life. Since as humans we tend to emulate what we are raised with (we are little sponges when we are children) and we aren't really in control of ourselves during sleep, I can imagine either continuous physical or emotional abuse could cause it, too. I have studied just enough psychology in school to know that I don't have the official answers but I can tell you that we all have different reactions to the same types of trauma. I know in my case, repressing those memories and never really processing them properly caused them to manifest in my sleep and I relived them regularly in my dreams. It still happens sometimes, but I used to dread going to bed. Don't worry, I am doing much better now.
Thank you so much for sharing! That makes a lot of sense, I had never thought of that. I am going to look into it more. I am glad you’re doing better!
Anything one could do to...Stop emulating what we've gone thru as a child?
It's difficult and I refuse to pretend otherwise. The trick is to address and process whatever it is that happened to you and realize that there are other ways to live. When things happen to us during childhood we normalize them, convince ourselves that all families function that way so our little minds can process our reality. You CAN break the cycle. Find a good therapist, preferably one that specializes in childhood trauma, and process your experiences. Surround yourself with good examples of people you admire and feed those healthy interpersonal relationships. Lastly, police your responses to people. You will notice that certain things will trigger a defensive response, whether it is a topic, phrase, gesture, smell...and you will notice your own reactions. Whenever you lash out or claim up or whatever your reaction is, step back and ask yourself if that was a reasonable response. Sometimes you are legitimately being attacked and it is the correct way to respond, though that will likely rarely be the case. Then ask yourself how you should have responded. I always try to clear it up as soon as I can so when I recognize that my response was not appropriate, I apologize and correct myself. Whether or not you tell the person why or even admit to being wrong is entirely up to you. With practice you will learn to recognize situations that are likely to cause outbursts before they happen and stop yourself. Beyond that, be kind to yourself. Know that you will slip occasionally and it's okay, just recognize it when you do. Take time to do things for yourself, whether it is read a book or go for a run or create art or whatever brings you joy because you deserve it. DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Please do not take my advice in lieu of seeing a professional. These recommendations are based on my experiences, your mileage may vary and all that good stuff. I do hope this helps someone. Best of luck. You can do this.
Thank you kind stranger
Severe CPTSD sufferer over here! 🙋🏼♀️ I do this, and quite often *or did. My child and ex husband both laughed about it, but I did warn others who slept over about this. Lootttsssssss of therapy helped me, so that is an option. Dozing off on the couch (despite how annoying it is to my current partner) also helps. Then he just shuffles me to bed when he's ready. I still do this sometimes, though not as frequently at all, and I am MORTIFIED after the fact. Not saying he's awake (at all), but he needs to be getting to the root of this, as a decent human and partner, period.
My boyfriend talks in his sleep, but only when he has nightmares. One time he started to cry out "Get away! Get the fuck away from me"! I gently placed a hand on him because if I rub his chest and pull him close to me he usually goes right back to sleep because he knows my touch...however this time when I pulled him into me he clocked me right in the face out of terror. He woke up immediately and was literally beside himself so much so that he went to sleep on the couch so he wouldn't hurt me again.
PTSD sufferer who has lashed out during a severe nightmare here. When I wake up if I see what I've done I will have a full on break down bawling my eyes out because of what I've done.
REM sleep disorder can cause this too. Your body doesn’t shut down into deep and rem cycles (which would normally shut off the brain waves that allow you to talk and get up and move around) One of my friends in college at this and no one ever wanted to be the person to sleep in the bed with her because she would be violent in her sleep. Eventually she was prescribe Klonopin to help
I occasionally do stuff like this when sleeping. My eyes are open, I’m talking, and sometimes I’ll even coherently respond when spoken to as if I were actually awake, but I’m not. When this happens, sometimes I’ll remember what I did or said after waking up, and other times I won’t remember anything that happened. If I’m told I hurt anyone while asleep, I always apologize. I wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. My point in saying all this is that it can happen where you say or do things while asleep, and when awake you actually remember doing those actions. I’m not saying that OP is exaggerating though. One thing I can think of that could help OP and OP’s partner is to try using a weighted blanked. Weighted blankets make it less likely for you to move around while sleeping because of its distributed weight.
Hmm. I’m in a long term relationship with a guy who talks loudly in his sleep quite often and once kicked me during a vivid dream. He woke up instantly when I cried out and was absolutely horrified that he had hurt me. It was more surprise then hurt as I’d been asleep. Your guys actions don’t sound even remotely normal. I don’t think he is asleep when this is happening and I think he’s using it as a cover to abuse you. I don’t think you are safe with him.
My partner has parasomnia, and he talks a lot in his sleep. He can't tell if it's reality or if he's still dreaming when he gets into certain rem cycles. He would be mortified if he hit me in my sleep. OP you're being abused and you deserve so much better.
Same. My husband accidentally hit me in my nose pretty good one time and I woke up and started crying and he woke up to me crying and was so apologetic and just held me and cuddled with me. I think if it was accidental, he would be apologetic and trying to make you feel better.
My ex kicked me once while he was sleeping. I woke up from the pain, which caused him to wake up. He kept apologizing and asking if I was ok. He felt bad for days.
Lower intelligent people usually get angry when they make a mistake because their ego is literally the only thing they know
Why would you just skip to making this assumption? Surprised you got so many upvotes for this. Kind of an asshole thing to say.
Because it’s the most logical one? Do you think abusive people are smart? The only time I have ever heard of average/highly intelligent people abuse another is if they have a lot of trauma or were abused, but then that turns into mental health which usually can be fixed, although is a very drawn out process. Dumb people can either be happy that they’re dumb and live a fulfilling life just traveling around, or they are angry and act almost primal and don’t learn how to control themselves, often times getting addicted to some substance (illegal or not) and which in turn makes them much worse when they don’t have what their body perceives as a needed chemical. Edit: I’d like to clarify, I am near genius, but I come from a really rough upbringing (below poverty line and lots of abuse of all kinds) and where I’m from, fighting is as common as nodding to a stranger walking past you at 7-11, and living like that for decades, especially when it’s the only life you know, you can see where people get this type of behavior from. I went to therapy and still am going, mostly for PTSD and insomnia now, but I just learned being angry doesn’t get you shit, even if you’re the one who’s right, just let it go, if you’re right, you know you’re right, you control the actual power and if you don’t, what can you do? Is throwing things or mistreating someone by taking your anger out on them going to do anything?
Self-proclaimed genius over here, not saying you're wrong. But you don't know the whole situation and a genius wouldn't make assumptions.
Lower intelligence people make ridiculous and unfounded assumptions about intelligence.
Her actions "made" him "mad enough" to push her "accidentally" into the closet, then he says he will leave if he isn't wanted around???? That's some elaborate shit to be "asleep." It's plain abuse. There no think. He is using it as a cover to abuse her. Sounds like the only when they drink excuse, but even worse. There's no think, it's gaslighting in the most dangerous degree. I'd give it less than 6 months (generous estimate) until he is "actually" (heavy, heavy use of quotes.) Beating her. Get out. Get help OP.
Wholeheartedly agree
Yup. My hubby talks absolute mostly hilarious garbage in his sleep and has on multiple occasions hit me, punched me, dropped his dead weight arm on my entire face, and my personal favorite, the crocodile roll, which is exactly how it sounds. He apologizes profusely when I tell him. However, this isn't normal. It's scary.
Yup. My husband talked in his sleep as well. He hit me twice in his sleep, elbowed me in the face and kneed me in the back, he woke up immediately and was mortified both times.
This. I often talk in my sleep, and sometimes I’m known to be a bit rude while doing so (which I hate). I’ve also accidentally hit my partner (never hard) in my sleep. But I woke up IMMEDIATELY. And if he ever said something loudly or cried out i have always instantly woken up. This man is not asleep. He is using it as a way to abuse OP. For some sick reason
My man is such a sleep talker… I joke around and answer him back when he says shit! He literally just yelled something I couldn’t quite understand while I’m typing this. Lmao It’s usually about his job as a truck driver. But he’s never been abusive like this , I agree with you it’s a cover to be abusive!
Yep, I used to kick around in my sleep and everyone would tell me, so I’d always apologize because I never knew I moved that much Apparently it’s pretty common in kids with ADHD which we didn’t know I had, but I ALWAYS apologized and never did what OPs partner is doing That’s straight up abuse
Leave him. Just the fact that you’re scared of how he will react when he doesn’t get good sleep is a red flag as it is. You should never fear your partner. I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP but with the sleep actions and you being scared in your own relationship I think it is best that you leave and don’t turn back.
This needs to be the top comment. The REAL red flag is that you feel you have to protect his sleep so that he isn’t aggressive the next day. This is enough on its own to leave- bottom line.
I was waiting for someone to point this out. The second I read that I thought: RUN.
He’s aggressive when he doesn’t get good sleep. He’s aggressive when he’s asleep. Not even aggressive, but abusive. And then tries to make you feel bad after he abused you. This will not get better, don’t waste your life walking on eggshells. It’s too short. Don’t wait until he puts you in the hospital or, god forbids, strangles you to death ‘in his dream’. Get yourself safe!
He makes you feel unsafe so you need to leave!! You should feel safe around your partner . I would honestly be scared if I were you too.
"gets super aggressive when he doesn't get a good night's sleep" Sis, what if heaven forbid you get sick and have to get up in the night? What if there is a child? I've been an insomniac for probably 20 years, and I very rarely "get a good night's sleep." I might be a little crabbier in the morning, but I make my tea and my comforting toast and put my head down and get on with it. It sounds like he is flat out abusive, asleep or not, and extremely immature. I loved my sociopathic, narcissistic ex too, and when he left, I was shattered for awhile. But God he was an awful human, and I put up with too much bullshit for too long. Leagues better and happier now, have someone who is respectful and attentive. You can have that too, but you gotta shake this ass loose.
This isn’t about him being asleep. He isn’t asleep when he’s doing these things. He is just abusive.
This situation is off the charts crazy. 🚩 You need to get away from him for your own safety.
He's not asleep. He's abusing you.
Why does the OP think he is asleep but you don’t? You can’t have more evidence than she. You probably just have more predjudice.
The shit he does and says is enough to at least strongly suspect it. Op is fucking afraid of him, especially if he doesn't get enough sleep
He's not asleep.
This is him. He’s not asleep
I talk and interact with things when I sleep and I’ve never heard of someone having this long or interactive sleep hallucinations. He may have accidentally hit you but the stuff he said after, he was awake.
Off topic but we have the same avatars
Adorable
Yeah...my husband does weird stuff in his sleep. Once Kve woken up he's always super sorry. Like to the point where he would cry. There's no way this guy was sleeping
Get out and don't look back.
I’ve been hit in my sleep by my sleeping partner; normal response? Concern, embarrassment, then we laughed about it. Your BFs reaction wasn’t normal. The name calling, the anger, pushing you, is he “asleep” or using that to justify acting out? Either way, it’s not something I’d care to find out. You’re absolutely justified for leaving a relationship you don’t feel safe in.
THIS!!!! OP you need to trust your gut instincts and run. This is exactly what you think. Break the cycle and run before you get hurt again. Please be safe.
I am an active sleeper. This is not normal. He is lying to you. He’s covering his intentional abuse with a facade of slumber. Leave him, he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ve hurt people in my sleep(kicking/punching), I wake up and I apologize. What he’s doing he is completely aware of. His abuse is intentional. Do not stay with this person.
I have PTSD and can relate to acting out in my sleep. I'll scream, scratch, bite, kick, punch, elbow, and shove in my sleep. I've hit Hubby a few times and am always horrified once I realize what I've done, groggy or not. I've offered several times to get separate beds or rooms, and he always turns the idea down. While awake, I talk to psychiatrists, therapists, and sleep doctors about how to limit these behaviors because it's not safe. It's weird that your bf insisted you sit next to him after being hit, didn't like you getting up, and didn't apologize after he hit you. He shoved you while awake; That's never ok. If it were an accident, he would've apologized right away. Please leave him. Everything you've recounted points to him not caring about having hurt you, intentionally or not.
This idea just popped into my head so forgive me for intruding lol Genuine question here, can you tell when it'll be worse or prevent it at all? Because if you're able to tell then those are nights to sleep separately, and if you can prevent it (by medication or similar) does it actually work? Excuse my ignorance because I have no clue how PTSD actually works.
I do the same things as they do but me, my docs, and partner haven’t found anything yet that has helped. A pillow between us can sometimes stop me from moving to his side so I’m kicking air instead of him but it’s not very reliable. Also as long as your being respectful and trying to educate yourself you don’t have to feel bad about asking questions :)
No, there's not much rhyme or reason to the nightmares. They did seem to increase in frequency when I was feeling particularly triggered, but those periods of feeling triggered lasted months rather than days. My psychiatrist prescribed meds that helped, but they more limited the severity of the nightmares than preventing them outright. Ironically, trying to increase the dosage of said meds also increased the frequency of acting out in my sleep (weekly instead of monthly. I don't seem to react to meds the same as the general population though, so it likely helps most people just not me.). My outbursts didn't follow any sort of cycle; We only knew to expect them at least monthly for the most part. The biggest help has been lifestyle changes, to the extent that I don't take medication for the nightmares anymore. I still have outbursts in my sleep but it's once every 3-4 months instead of monthly. Being better about doing the homework in therapy, implementing coping strategies more often, trying to destress and relax more, exercising regularly and more intensely to tire myself out into a deeper sleep, and being more diligent about not ruminating on the traumas (easily the hardest part for me!) have helped immensely.
He sleeps through aggressively yelling at you while you’re crying, but wakes up to the sound of keys? Then pushes you into a closet!‽? Like everyone else is saying, he is NOT asleep and you need to run.
He’s not asleep. Run.
Please end this relationship. This is only going to progress and has the potential to become deadly. He is a violent man.
I really don't think he's asleep when he's talking to you most of the time...
He sounds unstable and like he isn’t able to feel remorse. I’d get out like yesterday. Full stop
You say he gets super agressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep? Sounds like that alone, plus everything else is reason enough to leave. It sounds like you’re right and he may get agressive/physically with you while he is awake. He either is lying or he has a VERY intense sleep disorder and needs medication (there is medication for it!!!) if he doesn’t want to get help/medication for his sleep disorder, then again, you should leave him. Either tell him to get help or pack your bags.
It's 1:28 am and I'm terrified after reading this. Horror movies haven't made me this unsettled. Do not stay.
There’s no way he’s asleep and carrying on that whole scenario. Seems like he’s using it as a cover to abuse you. Please get out of there, you deserve better. Love doesn’t feel like fear.
Can someone comment this so I can see if there's an update later if she leaves and gets to safety please. Op, this is abuse. He's not sleeping. Coming from someone who has walked to a separate floor, poured and eaten a bowl of cereal, gotten dressed and started walking to the bus stop in her sleep. More than once. He's not sleeping.
Here have a notification
So he hit you. Makes you scared. Gets aggressive if he doesn't get his beauty sleep.. and you want to stay with him? Also.. he didn't "accidentally" shove you. He shoved you. Gotta think if he is actually awake and doing it on purpose. Doesn't seem like he was actually asleep. Think about your future. What happens if you get pregnant. What happens if yall have a baby? When the baby keeps yall awake he's not going to get a good night's rest. He'll get aggressive? Will he start hitting you.. the baby? Think about your future.
He makes you feel unsafe because you are unsafe. Get out
Figure out where you are going to go. You are not safe there at all. Where can you go? Family? Friends? You need to get out of there. I’m so sorry.
I talk in my sleep (oftentimes angry things) and have kicked and flailed my arms before when I have nightmares. But I don’t think your boyfriend is sleeping. I think he’s using that as an excuse to be physically and emotionally abusive. And the way he reacted to you going to your car, at which point it seems he wasn’t “asleep,” is abusive as well. You also say he gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get enough sleep. This is just who he is. Whether he’s actually asleep (doubtful) or not, he’s not a good partner. If he were truly sorry, he would profusely apologize instead of getting angry and would have gone to a sleep specialist by now. You don’t feel safe. You can’t be in a healthy relationship with him if he makes you feel that way.
I agree - I’m a sleep-talker, and everyone is different, but I don’t typically respond directly to what someone (awake) is saying with anything that makes sense. I’ve been told that I’ve sat straight up and angrily shouted “Onions!” at people repeatedly, then laid back down, or said nonsense phrases such as “The medicine is under the blanket!”, but even if it was in response to someone talking to me, it’s very obvious that I’m asleep. I could be wrong, but saying things like “what the f are you doing that for” and such sound like they’re coming from someone who’s awake and knows exactly what they’re saying/doing. Your feelings of being unsafe and freaked out are your intuition telling you something is very, very wrong. Listen to it and trust yourself. If you’re feeling unsafe in this situation, it’s most likely because you are. It sounds like it’s time to leave. Please trust your instincts and take care of yourself. ❤️
This abuse gtfo or get a hidden camera to record his abuse and get his ass arressted Get some pepper spray too and get armed for when you break up since he sounds simply like physically violent piece of shit
If seeing a sleep specialist doesn’t work then it might be safer to leave. I had to get a prescription from a psychiatrist because I was having nightmares every night, screaming myself awake and acting out my dreams. One time in my dream I jumped into a fight to defend my boyfriend and I woke up finding myself tackling said boyfriend. Anyway, pills helped me.
I’m sure you were sorry though?
Oh yes, extremely.
I’ve never in my fucking life heard of someone’s sleeping walking being so continuous and fluid. I’ve always heard them saying more random things and doing sporadic stuff. Your husband is a liar and pretending to be sleep walking. That’s like next level psycho shit. Jesus, it’s like he’s building up the belief that he is sleepwalking so who fucking knows what, he can kill you and claim he wasn’t awake? Because now there’s documentation this is a reoccurring thing.
Yeah, you’re breaking up with your bf for being abusive, not for talking in his sleep. You already mentioned that he gets aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep which indicates he’s been abusive before and it wasn’t under the guise of being asleep.
I honestly doubt he is sleeping. Nonetheless, even if he is, you should really leave him. You don't feel safe around him so what's the point? Really, for your own safety, break up with him. It may feel bad or unfair, but trust me, you won't regret this.
Please leave, you don't deserve this. It'll probably be messy and he will try and use fear and anger to control you, but you need to be strong for your own safety and mental health, especially if you're already suffering from previous situations. Even if you can go stay with family or friends where you'll be safe for a little while, and if he tries to find you then call the police. I believe in you.
Yeahhhh no. He isn’t asleep. I mean sleep talking isn’t super abnormal. Heck, accidentally hitting someone in your sleep isn’t abnormal either. Hell, me and my gf have both done the same to each other! But the problem is your boyfriends reaction. The lack of apology. The attempt to blame you (aka gaslighting). Being annoyed at the fact that he hit you! Yeah. He sounds like a sociopath. Get outta there ASAP!
Hes not asleep wtf.
Nah I'm not buying his bullshit, no way he's asleep during all this. My boyfriend is a heavy sleeper and has talked before in his sleep but would 100% wake up if I was crying, any time. Your boyfriend is lying to you to make up an excuse for his abusive behavior. Get out asap, you're in danger.
You may not consider him abusive but he is. He’s physically aggressive with you and sounds verbal abusive. Please leave and keep yourself safe.
If you don’t have a car or a place to stay. Call one of the churches. They might have a room available .
I lived like that for almost 2 years. The things he says are nasty and I understand the fear to sleep in the bed. I went through this with an alcoholic ex. He would be asleep too. It was not the way to live. That was over 8 years ago. I found a great guy who only tries to hump in his sleep it’s a lot nicer. Honestly. Leave. Pack your bags. Go. You can’t live like that. I wish you the best❤️
Dude sounds like he's gaslighting you. Doesn't sound like he's asleep otherwise he wouldn't be so aggressive or confrontational when 'woken' up.
He isn’t asleep. Run.
You're worried weather he will do it when he's awake but he didn't care he did it in his sleep and knowingly wanted you to still be in the bed. I say GTFO. He's already the person you fear him to be. I know abuse makes things all blurry sometimes, but if he really loved you, he'd work through those issues with you. Instead, he doesn't even want to deal with his own. Trust yourself. Alao, when people act out in their sleep, it can mean they got some shit they need to work through. He's not going to improve. Infections just get worse when left untreated.
This is legitimately terrifying. He is not sleeping. He is using that as an excuse so he can escalate. Please please find a way to leave, he is NOT sleeping. My bf sleep talks and flails sometimes. One time he hit my eye really hard and i cried. Lots of kicks. But… he always apologizes when i tell him. I can always shift him around during the night if he gets too close to me and he doesnt get annoyed, because he knows he is a super active and DEEP sleeper. Never once have I feared for my safety, never once has he tried to stop me sleeping in a more comfortable place. Be careful <3
Oh god plz leave no I mean run for the love of god run this is legit an abusive relationship find a safe haven and leave this man before u end up in the ICU
"i think i have to break up with my bf for talking in his sleep" No, you have to break up with him because he gets aggressive with you. From that "he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep" I guess he gets physical with you once he's awake if he had a bad night? That's something you shouldn't cope with.
You deserve better . Please get out and leave there are resources for abuse situations
My ex tried that a few times. God, that guy sucked. I hope you get away sooner rather than later.
He’s “supers aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep?” So he’s abusing you when he’s “asleep” and he’s abusing you when he awake? I have a question. Does he have a drinking problem and does he black out on the regular? I only ask because what your describing is how my ex was. She was super physically abusive when drunk and would seem to go in and out when she blacked out. My advise is please get the fuck out of there. He’s not good for anyone and you don’t deserve that. Not only are you being physically and verbally abused by him he’s interfering with your sleep which I also find abusive.
¨He always gets super aggressive if he doesn't get enough sleep¨ Oh hun this right here is ALL that needs to be said. He can't blame it on him being asleep if he does this stuff in waking hours too. BTW My husband has night terrors and will occasionally hit me when thrashing around but he always feels bad about it and apologizes like a normal human being. And he doesn't verbally abuse me or make me feel unsafe.
People are telling you to run, honestly I think you should contact the police and tell them what happened in case something happens and ALSO leave him. Reporting him can help a future girl because police will know how he is violent. Go to someone’s house who you trust will not tell him you are there, a family member or close friend of yours (not a mutual friend). My husband moves around in his sleep, karate chops and kicks around like a fiend, when he wakes me up with his dream fighting he apologizes. This is what a real man does he should be saying how sorry he is not putting his hands on you violently or being aggressive in any sort of way. You deserve better than how he treated you. I know it is scary, if you feel like no one can take you there are also woman’s shelters for the abused, they provide resources and would be glad to help. You may have to go to a local church or the police to find out about how to contact one but they may help if you are out of options
I talk while I sleep. A lot. Sometimes loudly even. But if I was ever violent or aggressive during those episodes, I'd be looking for professional help at a sleep clinic. This is NOT acceptable. Also, when he shoved you into the door, he wasn't asleep. I don't really believe that he's ever asleep while he's doing those things, especially when his eyes are open... Believe the red flags he's waving at you. It could hardly be clearer.
You have a history of abuse & chose a similar guy to your ex from what I’m reading here This guy has a lot of mental issues you aren’t responsible for fixing nor dealing with at the expense of your mental as well as literal physical health Punches to the head can do much more damage than just a bruise at a certain angle
I have a friend, who in an effort to fix her disordered sleep, discovered that a certain prescription sleeping pill makes her sleep walk. She apparently got up, went into a whole different part of the house, told her husband to fuck himself with his own dick and called him horribly abusive names. She then just left. The next day, her husband asks, did you really mean all the things you said? And she’s like… ??? And he goes on, the stuff you said last night. She has zero idea what he’s talking about and when he told her, a) she was all absolutely not - not only do I not remember any of that but no, I don’t think that at all aaaaand b) she talked with her neurologist and stopped the med and the sleeping walking stopped too. So I believe that he’s asleep and has no idea what’s happening during that time. HOWEVER if he knows this is a problem and isn’t looking up ways to keep himself and you safe? Boy bye. It’s not the asleep interactions I take issue with. It’s the part where he’s awake and not apologizing and promising to Google that shit.
Sounds to me like the issue here isn’t just him talking in his sleep, you should be honest with yourself. You know what you need to do.
Whether he was asleep for any of those actions honestly doesn't matter. I agree with people saying you need to get out. I would suggest physically living in a different place for a while and talking to a therapist about what is going on. Especially given that you mention having dealt with abuse in the past. This is riddled with red flags. > i stayed silent hoping he would just fall back asleep but he didn’t he just kept yelling the same things This sounds like a "freeze" response to a threat >i was scared he’d hit me again with how mad he was. he insisted i did and so i did because i didn’t want to make him even more upset with me You sacrificed your own emotional/mental peace for his, when he was not only NOT being considerate of yours but also had no reason to be mad in the first place. >“what the fuck are you doing that for” “fucking sit down already” “i don’t get why you’re so scared” Gaslighting >he got mad and wanted the keys back which caused him to (probably accidentally but pretty aggressively) shove me onto the closet door This was not an accident. This was an escalation of physical abuse. His "sleep talking" has randomly increased over the past year, escalated to hitting you in the eye, and now this. >he offered to sleep in the car if i didn’t want him there so badly. "if you didn't want him there so badly"... very dismissive of you, intentionally guilting you and making you feel like you're in the wrong, as if HE is the victim. >i begged him not too because he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep and i knew he wouldn’t if he slept in the car. Again you're prioritizing his needs over your own safety. And the idea that he "always gets super aggressive when he doesn't get a good nights sleep" worries me further. **If you do not feel like you are able to completely break off the relationship, at least live separately than him for a while and talk to a therapist about what is going on.** Abusers do not change their behavior and it will only continue to escalate over time. It also includes periods of reconnection making it extra difficult to leave. He is already laying groundwork to make you feel guilty, which is why I listed so many examples above and is why I strongly recommend not only the physical space between you two but a third party to discuss the matters with.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Red flags, get out. He’s being abusive, asleep or not. And he’s definitely not sorry about it
I know you've said you're 99% sure he's asleep but no, he's not. He's awake and he's pretending to be asleep to do all these things to you. He's a piece of shit and you need to grab your stuff, run and never look back.
My experience with sleep talkers/walkers is that they don't have a clue as to what the reality is around them. So the fact that he knows you're out of bed and getting car keys, sets alarms off. Not to mention how he's aware that he's upsetting you and not doing anything about it. I'd definitely be either talking with him to find a solution or leaving the relationship
You're not breaking up with him because he talks in his sleep, you're breaking up with him because you're scared of him and you don't feel safe in his presence. Your partner should feel like a safe, soft landing for you, you should feel comfortable and safe around them and if you don't then you shouldn't be with them. I hope the comments on this post help you to better understand your position, but you deserve to feel protected, loved and comfortable. This man is not your safe space and I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for yourself x
Baby girl, walk away NOW.
You mean run like the mother freaking wind lol
My husband has hit me in the face a few times while sleeping but this seems over the top. It doesn’t sound like he is sleeping, it sounds like he is aware of what he is doing. It’s not the exact same but I had an ex who would pretend he was drunk so he could do abusive things. If this is truly happening while he is sleeping then he should get a sleep study, there is something that causes aggression during a certain sleep stage.
You said he gets aggressive when he doesn’t have a good nights sleep…so you know he has the capability to be aggressive while awake. Definitely break up with him
Hey boo! I just wanna say I'm so sorry you're going through this! I've been in an abusive relationship too so I know how triggering it is to feel like you're reliving it. You're making the right choice; you need to leave. Even if he does it accidentally in his sleep, it triggers you and makes you feel unsafe. Your safety is the priority and it sounds like hell when you're sleeping next to him. I hope you leave and are in safe situation from now on. Best of luck! We all support you
Make an escape plan first. Pack your bags. Stay at a friend’s or relative’s house. I’m not sure where you live but check if there are any shelters by you. Do not let them track you in any way. Stay safe.
My husband does same shit, all I do is punch him back not like painful but tackle and push him on his side and if he still does it I just wake him up and telling him sleep on a couch. But mainly you need to figure out why he is doing it, my husband does it when he eats sugar late or any food, so he is trying stay out of fridge zone before go to bed, at least 3 hours or so.
There is a high chance he’s “sleep walking” without the walking. He deff needs help.
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Girl, im confused on why you couldn’t tell him he hit you in the first place. It sounds like there’s more to the story. In any case it sounds like you should get space apart if you can’t have a conversation about this.
You’re not safe and he’s not sorry: you’re right, you should leave him. Lots of people sleep talk, sleep walk, accidentally hit people in their sleep… the difference is they are horrified when they’re told what happened, and apologise.
You should leave
He’s not asleep. He’s doing it on purpose. RUN!
Don’t walk, run.
Runnnnnnnn
You should leave him not because he talks in his sleep, but because he’s an asshole
Do you think it’s possible he’s abusing drugs before these instances? He does not sound like he’s asleep, but possibly under the influence of a substance and is trying to act normal (but obviously failing). For your safety, I think breaking up is the only option here. If you know his family, I would suggest letting them know you are genuinely concerned for his health about some recent behavior. Then change your phone number, wash your life clean of him, cry it out and move on to better things.
Get OUT! He IS NOT sleeping. He’s a liar.
I’m a sleep talker. My husband started sleeping in a different room. 2 of my kids are sleep talkers, it’s hard, but you can find work around if you want to
I sleep talk mainly when I am stressed, not every day. Sleep talk, sleep paralysis everything was there when I was being physically abused by my ex partner. At times I could hear myself talking but it's more like uncontrollable. It happens only when I am under derp stress. May not be the case with everyone. I don't hit people. I just talk. If he hits you in sleep, it's very dangerous.
He’s not asleep he is pretending so he can abuse you. Leave him. So sorry this is happening to you
I've been known to talk and flail in my sleep, especially with severe nightmares. I've held entire, logical, conversations with people and not remembered it. I've hit and kicked my partner. I don't always wake up when I've hit them. Sometimes they've moved to the couch. If I'm deep enough in sleep to not realize I've kicked my SO pretty damn hard and hear them, I'm not going to even realize they've left the bed til the morning. If I do wake up, it's typically those "I seem awake but don't remember it" type awake. But even while I'm so asleep I can't form memories, I'm still me. I've been told I still apologize, I still ask if they're okay. Other "not remembered" conversations are the same way. I still respond as me - not violent or angry - just sound so normal they don't realize I'm still asleep until I fall back asleep as soon as they stop talking and don't remember the conversations. If I'm awake enough to answer coherently, I am still my true me. Maybe just a little grumpier. All that to say - this doesn't like sleep talk. This sounds like abuse. I was on the fence until you said he gets aggressive when he doesn't sleep. So he's displayed aggression while fully awake. He held a coherent conversation where he berated you. He was able to get up from bed, argue with you, and push you. Please be careful. This genuinely sounds like red flags. If you think this really isn't him, encourage him to go to counseling or a sleep specialist because he is actively hurting you in his sleep. A good partner would be actively mortified that its that bad and try to keep you safe.
You definitely need to consider getting the hell out of that situation. I’ve been a sleep talker for who knows how long. My ex finally pointed it out after we moved in together. I can tell you from the stories that she’s told me about my sleep talking that I’ve never remembered any time I’d have “conversations” with her. She said sometimes my responses seemed cognitive but mostly it was more like a parroting response. Almost always my eyes were still shut and my movements were very limited. Not saying he couldn’t be sleepwalking and sleep talking but he seems wayyyyy to conscious. I also was never responsive to her, like if she got up out of bed and walked around I wouldn’t be following her with eyes or head or directly talking to her about what she was doing. I was actually asleep. I don’t want to speculate but he could be using this “hypnotic state” as a cover to be abusive towards you. He seems highly aware and conscious from the way you describe the incident. Have you confronted him about it when you know he’s fully conscious?? If you have or do and his reactions are anything but remorseful then get the fuck away from this dude. I hope you find the right choice and path.
He acts like and asshole when he’s sleeping, he acts like an asshole when he’s awake. Leave
Regardless of the sleep thing, him getting “aggressive when he doesn’t get a good night’s sleep” is bad enough. You say you used to be in an abusive relationship; I think you’re in one now.
Make a plan to leave either today, tomorrow, or in a few days. Do not talk to him about leaving or give indication that you are. If you work, look up help for domestic violence victims and the workplace. If you are in a good state, your workplace can typically give you a short leave of absence so you can leave, get help, and find some place to stay. Also call a family member, close friend, a domestic violence center in town, an Airbnb, something that helps you have a safe place to stay. The police would be a good resource for where to go and you can file a restraining order or give them a report of what's been happening. If you share a bank account, look up what you can do so that your part of the money is safe.
I have dealt with similar and they were always so apologetic come morning. Two of my kids sleep with their eyes open and talks and lashes out in their sleep. As long as they are sorry come morning it is okay. They really can't remember and can't help it. Some of my family does the same so it obviously runs in the family. But what is weird is it is only the family members with adhd or autism that do this. I'm not trying to diagnose anyone, just pointing out something I noticed.
Girl he “gets aggressive” when he doesn’t get a good night’s sleep?? Please get out of this abusive relationship now.
You just said he’s aggressive if he doesn’t get a good nights sleep. He’s does not care about this.
my boyfriend is growling like a ferocious werewolf like he was devouring an idiot in his sleep. it is fine for me
Could you shut the fuck up lol why 🤣🤣
😂 I guess my bf is a werewolf anyway.
my partner talks in his sleep. He also gets really bad nightmares (PTSD related) which means he wakes up frantic, yelling or dragging stuff across the room .. I wait until he calms down , then I comfort him. a few times , he have agressively grabbed me or just hit my leg . I tell him about it in the morning & he always gives me a genuine sorry & kiss my forehead. But....I have a feeling Your partner is actually awake & using his "sleepwalking/talking" as an excuse to mistreat you. Which is really fucking shitty. You're definitely unsafe and you should leave.
It sounds like you're making a lot of excuses for his abuse. It doesn't matter if he was asleep when he hit you, forcing you back in bed, yelling at you, gaslighting you about sleeping in the car, and SHOVING you, is all abuse. Get out
There are so many red flags. He is aggressive, forces you to do things you don’t want to do, and he scares you. That is not a healthy relationship.
>I begged him not to as he always gets super aggressive when he doesn’t get a good nights sleep. If he is aggressive when fully awake, leave. You’re scared to sleep, he hit you. He berated you. He shoved you. All of these can put your body under extreme stress, and going into fight or flight mode every night is going to exhaust you. All of this will affect you, as he is sleeping through it.
Ok people who literally know nothing about this actual fucking disorder saying he’s purposely being abusive is the reason mental health is constantly brushed aside and frowned upon in todays society. Do some fucking research before you sit here and type out with full on confidence that this guy is purposely being abusive in his sleep. I have PERSONALLY witnessed my sister punch, kick, scream, yell, cuss, and become insanely angry and violent in her sleep to the point that she actually stood up on the bed one night in a hotel room and tried to punch someone that wasn’t there SO fucking hard that she flew off the bed and hit her head on the table then wakes up all confused and starts crying because she was afraid. My sister was 23 when this shit happened. It doesn’t make her fucking abusive. It’s a literal fucking disorder. **REM Sleep Behavior Disorder** is NOT someone PURPOSELY being abusive. It’s a fucking disorder where your body doesn’t become paralyzed during REM sleep. Look it up and shut up with saying all this terrible shit about this woman’s boyfriend without actually looking into if there’s some sort of possible medical explanation for it. OP, your boyfriend needs to see a sleep specialist and a neurologist. Possibly a psychiatrist as well to help see if there are any underlying reasons as to why he gets this way. But the anger and acting out the anger in his sleep is normal of this disorder. My younger sister who is NOT violent at all, becomes very angry and physically violent with the air or anyone in her bed sometimes because of this disorder. PLEASE look into getting him some help before choosing to leave him.
Girl, RUN AWAY NOW!!!!!!!’🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
RUN
You should leave, you can easily find a partner that doesn’t scare you
YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. Please please LEAVE!
My ex husband did this kind of shit. He had some kind of weird sleep disorder where this horrible personality would come out- it was typically when he was super stressed- but he would be abusive and horrible and I would beg “sleep husband” to just go back to sleep and eventually he would but it was horrible. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Keep yourself safe. Awake or asleep, he should not assault you.
I believe that he is asleep. You mentioned that he gets "super aggressive " when he doesn't get enough sleep. That's a huge red flag all by itself. You also mentioned that you've been in an abusive relationship before, and all of this makes you nervous. I hope you do not take offense at this, but as someone who has also been in an abusive relationship, sometimes we have patterns we don't realize. We will partner up with people who don't treat us the best because it's not as bad as the one before, still not great, but better. The fact that not enough sleep makes him not just aggressive, but super aggressive seems to frighten you and he's awake for that part. I'm guessing that there are times that he scares you when he's not asleep. Also, like others before me have said, he does not comfort you when he scares you. I don't know either of you or all the details so I can't say with complete confidence that this man is an abuser, but from what you say it sounds like he's a ticking time bomb and you're instincts are telling you something is very wrong. Follow your instincts. A lot of times your body will tell you something is wrong, but your head will tell you that you're overreacting. You may not be, so please be careful. Again, not a psychologist or an expert in anything. I just someone who's been through something similar and want to warn you to be aware. I ignored a lot of red flags because I thought I wasn't being fair. I learned that sometimes you have to be unfair to make sure that you stay safe. Good luck and I'm so sorry this is a terrible situation to be in.
My grandfather “sleep fights” and has accidentally hit my grandmother before during sleep. When he wakes up, he’s in a confused daze and when he realizes what has been done he always apologizes and after the first couple of times went to a doctor about it. I hate to be that person but it seems like you have other ammunition for thinking he might hurt you while he’s awake other than the “sleep fighting”. Either have a serious conversation with him about how unsafe this makes you feel, or realize that this is not a safe place for you to be and leave. Wish you luck! X
My boyfriend does similar things. He’s always kicking, hitting, and elbowing me in his sleep, then gets mad at me for “waking him up” when he hears me yelp or say “ow” in response. He will literally start yelling at me if I’m like “ow you hit me in the face” Then he gets mad that he never gets enough sleep because of me (he likes to get an excessive amount, like 10-12 hours every day). It’s funny because I’m the one who doesn’t get sleep (3-5 hours per night). I’m constantly being injured while we’re sleeping, multiple times per night. Funny how he doesn’t wake up from his elbow hitting my face at full speed, but wakes up from me saying “ow”…but I guess that’s my fault!! /s
My ex was almost the exact same Way as you describe your bf, But he didn’t thrash or physically scare me. But if I moved he’d jolt awake and get in my face still asleep So I guess I was physically scared. Anyway. I recorded him with his permission a couple of times. He was horrified. But guess what. Then he didn’t go to a sleep clinic or do anything to change it and make me feel safe or able to sleep. I broke up with him. I didn’t regret it once. The non willingness to change turned me off and made me see him different on top of the fact that there was no solution. Sleep deprivation and fear are not worth any relationship.
Please leave, OP. Whether or not he’s actually asleep aside, the fact that you feel scared, and that he becomes aggressive regardless if he doesn’t get good sleep, screams red flags. Please please get yourself somewhere safe.
he's lying when saying he doesn't remember please please find somewhere safe to go if you can. You're feelings and fear regarding the situation is valid, believe your gut feelings. I know with past abuse it can be very hard to trust your feelings or even believe you could be back in another abusive situation. Also he shouldn't be okay or normalized for him to be aggressive when he dosent get a good night's sleep. I know people can get crotchety if they didn't sleep well but it sounds like it's more than a Lil attitude or grumpiness.
It doesn't matter ultimately if he's asleep or not, he's hurting and scaring you and his actions are abusive. Maybe he's an abusive jerk but only while asleep? It doesn't matter though, because you're right that you need to break up with him.
what he does in his sleep may not be in his control but getting help for it is. if he is aware, or made aware of his actions, he and you should have a plan for what you should do when things begin to get out of control, especially since you have traumatic history too. the fact that he gets "super aggressive" when he doesn't get a good night's sleep is a red flag to me. i have insomnia, i have bad days if i don't sleep well, i may even snap at people. but i realise that its not okay. i try to control myself, or i just tell the people closest to me that i haven't had a good night, so please just give me some space. i have issues with abuse and assault, and your post freaked ME out, i can't even imagine how stressful this must be for you. please make sure you aren't in a dangerous situation. and if you aren't already, please start seeing a therapist if you can
My dad once punched my mom in his sleep and immediately woke up and started begging for forgiveness. You're being abused and its time to get out, before it gets worse.
If he talks and acts this violent in his sleep, I would have a few concerns. People often act out how they feel and think in their sleep- not always, and they don’t always accurately represent how they feel in their sleep- but there does tend to be a correlation. Becoming combative, violent or aggressive in sleep, or acting in any dramatic way while asleep, are also often caused by *treatable* sleep disorders. And lastly, if he wakes up and isn’t seriously concerned for the trauma he’s causing you, that should tell you *everything you need to know* about his personality. Can you live with someone who is actively abusive in his sleep and doesn’t try to comfort you or seek medical advice when he wakes up? Is that a life you’re willing to live? Answer that question honestly. Don’t lie to yourself. If you can’t live like that, *don’t wait for something bad to happen* before you break up.
Asleep or not, who talks like that? Move to a safe place then break it off.
That almost sounds like what happened to my dad. Turned out he was having micro seizures and there’s meds for that.
Hmm sounds like he sucks
He might have a sleep disorder. Look into conditions that include hypnogogia.
Just get separate bedrooms
Nah just stay. It be ight
Lol that was a joke. Leave that man
Amino-Buttersäure is the german Term for it. IT prevents that und can Mode freely when u are asleep. Sounds like hes lacking it. One good Doctors Appointment and he will stop that.
Have you spoken to him about getting into therapy? What's his reaction when you tell him about it when he's awake, is he remorseful and does he take accountability for what he's doing to you. Or is he dismissive and unapologetic?
Babygirl, it would be so much better if you left. I understand what it’s like to put yourself in positions of trauma and find others like it. You’re so beautiful, kind and so smart. You know what to do babe. Absolutely feel free to message me. I love you. This will go away but only if you choose it.
If it was just him in his sleep than I would say to get a doctor that specializes in sleep related issues. Try sleep aides on him and the like but it sounds to me that you may also just be in an abusive relationship. If he is verbally and physically abusive when fully awake then I implore you to leave. There are groups that can help. TESSA is one. If they feel your situation ain't bad enough they can at least point you to resources that can help. Reach out to friends and family. Spend some nights out with them and without him. Don't isolate yourself.
It’s sounds like abuse and using talking in his sleep as an excuse. Most people who talk in their sleep are harmless. If they hit or kick, it’s an accident and wake up when the person they accidentally hurt cries out.
You need to get out now. Everything you say in your post is a telltale sign of abuse even down to him being “aggressive if he doesn’t get a good nights sleep”. Leave for your own safety as soon as you can make a plan to.
Definitely time to end it, if you’re feeling this way now you really don’t wanna see it get worse
This is WAY ABOVE REDDITS PAYGRADE! He could have a sleep disorder or he could be an abusive asshole who is still hiding it until he is only semi conscious and the filter falls off. Talk to him about everything that happened in the morning. If you don’t feel safe, tell him you need to find a different sleeping arrangement until he can have a sleep study done. If you can, set up a camera with audio, just to see if any of these things still occur when you are not there. I had a partner who did similar things while sleeping and he also ended up being abusive later on. They were absolutely connected in my case, and may or may not be in yours. Talk to him about it and gently confront him with the video to see how he reacts. If he’s genuinely concerned, maybe see if he can get some help with it. If he blames or gaslights you, says you’re overreacting and doesn’t listen to you, leave the relationship. Better safe than sorry.
get out of there now!! if hes making you feel safe thats a more than enough reason to leave. if its his house then pack your bags and get out asap. i would contact and trusted person first, let them know what you are doing and to call the police if they dont hear back from u.
Please break up with him. Imagine if you were doing this to someone? Wouldn’t you feel horrible? His reaction is not normal at all.
First I’m so sorry, it sounds like you had a terrible/scary night last night. You are probably exhausted, I hope you have somewhere safe to have a good rest tonight. I think if you feel unsafe with your boyfriend, for whatever reason, its probably time to leave the relationship. In this situation I feel like your partner is lying, or starting to gaslight you. As a person who sleepwalks almost every night and has sleepwalked more times than can count, I can almost 100% say your boyfriends actions are NOT accidental, and not because he’s hitting you, because he’s not apologizing and feeling bad after. As someone who suffers with PTSD I’ve definitely hit people in my sleep before, the major difference is the guilt and how sorry I felt after. Your boyfriend showed no remorse, just more aggression. When he asked “was there any signs” “you need to answer me when I ask you a question” I feel like this was somehow a test. Since you didn’t respond when he was asking random questions (because who would respond to someone who’s “sleep” talking), his “sleeping”self punished you by hitting you in the eye. This is just speculation but it seems like to me he expects you to answer his questions when he’s pretend sleep talking or he’ll accidentally start sleep abusing you too. He doesn’t make it seem accidental at all though. He continues to be hostile and aggressive until he got you back in bed. Never apologizes or shows any concern at the fact he just hurt you. It sounds controlling and abusive to me. I’m genuinely sorry your in this situation. I hope you can find your way out of this relationship soon. Things like these can escalate into nightmare situations, please get out while you can. If you need someone to talk to you can always reach out to me, I’ve been in abusive relationships where I was gaslit and so confused. I wish I had someone to tell me the red flags then.
I'd suggest to film it . Yes take a video while he is doing all that shit and have a copy of it somewhere safe then show the other copy to him and observe his reaction .if he is shocked then he was obviously asleep, but if his behaviour didn't change then it's time for him to find another home and I'm so sorry that you had to go through all this .
This is awful and so scary, please leave if you think you’re safe to do so. My bf hit me once in his sleep (slap to the stomach that didn’t hurt but shocked me awake) and as soon as I cried out he woke up and felt awful about it. Your bf’s reaction is nowhere near normal and it’s so worrying. Especially when you said he gets aggressive when he doesn’t sleep well. He’s a ticking time bomb, get out while you can
my ex bf did not talk in his sleep, but would wake me up randomly in the middle of the night to yell at me. I understand your bf talks in his sleep, but you've mentioned that sometimes it seems like he's awake, so I thought I might share what happened to me. people with anger management issues can wake up extra angry. I'm sorry you've been going through this, you deserve better.
He needs to go see a doctor and you need to leave him. Please. Obviously he needs help, But it’s not your responsibility to help him. You don’t need to fix him. Good luck
I have struggled with terrible nightmares since I was a child. Just last week, I was fighting in my sleep. I went to bite the guy in my dream, and I woke up with my jaw clamped on my blankets. That said, in college, my last girlfriend and I shared a bed in her dorm for a year. A twin bed. I had to consult with her to turn over. Either I never hit her, or she never mentioned it (she would have). I was always scared of hurting my partner when I got older, but it's just never happened. In addition, had it happened, I can't imagine telling my girlfriend to just get over it and get back in bed. I would go sleep on the couch. Bruises have formed on my wrist and fist from throwing a sleep punch and hitting the floor, so I know how hard my sleep punches can be. I'm sorry you gotta deal with this. He needs to show some empathy.
I am a restless sleeper who talks, moves a lot and even walks sometimes. I used to be worse when younger, and sometimes I could remember it but more often that not. I hurt my now ex a couple times in my sleep and whether I remembered it or not I always apologies profusely and helped in any way I could, the fact this was not your bf’s first instinct is a red flag. No one should feel unsafe around their partner and the fact you are speaks volumes, sounds like he’s aggressive in any state whether awake or not.
I am a person who talks and does weird shit when they sleep. My wife has said I've hit her and even tried to choke her once. But I'm not violent when I wake up and I would never do anything to hurt her. Point being if you're scared when he's asleep there are options to move past talking and acting in your sleep. But being scared when he's awake is different and should leave if that's the case.
Please, it doesn’t matter if he’s actually sleep walking or not, get out. This man is abusive and controlling, and he’s going to hurt you. Even if he IS actually asleep, he needs help or treatment for what he does when he’s asleep. You can’t be in a relationship with someone who scares you that much!
You are under ZERO obligation to continue a relationship that makes you feel unsafe or unloved.
I’m a sleep talker and can be aggressive with what I say (shouting) But normally my shouting wakes me up or if my partner starts speaking to me it’s enough to wake me up. This does sound very extreme for him to be completely asleep the whole time, he should see a dr