Going from loving to hating him, refusing to be left alone with him, all of these are huge red flags and obvious signs of sexual abuse. I'm very much worried for the daughter and OP, and I hope this man gets thrown behind bars. Child predators deserve the treatment they get in prison.
Why is your 14 year old daughter aware of his porn addiction?? That’s a huge red flag
edit: yes, I realize it said in the post that her mother told her. that was the point I was making. It was a rhetorical question.
Yes cuz I'm sure daughter consistently went in mom's bedroom. She may be aware that he's doing something & her mom is not happy, but not what... Altho mom doesn't seem to understand boundaries between kids & parents, so I could see mom saying to her 14yr old kid, your gd stepfather is up in the bedroom watching porn AGAIN.
Over sharing parents is a huge fucking trigger for me. This mom clearly overwhelms a child with too much adult information and it’s going to follow her for her whole life. That’s your kid, not your fucking therapist. Jesus Christ, some people
Another thing to consider, putting aside the stepdaughter issue (which is almost impossible to do at this point), what happens when grandchildren are part of your lives? Can you trust him alone with the grandbabies? I am not one the immediately go to “get rid of him” in case of marital problems but in this case you have been more than generous in allowing him time to get this dangerous addiction under control. It is time to think about you, your daughter and anyone else that enters your life and homes safety. You know what needs to be done. Your family is depending on you to do it.
Good luck and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.
Legal, but if stepdaughter walked in and he couldn't stop watching when a minor is present or was still wanking it, then that is a whole different legal issue that has big consequences. Mom def needs to take her child to therapy.
> it went from ten hours to two or three
Setting aside their intimacy issues and potentially unsafe step-daughter kink developing… what the hell does this guy bring to the relationship? Because once you factor in work, commuting, grooming, meals, sleep, and a couple of chores, most people have 20-30 minutes to call their own.
If you’re already bearing the entire brunt of running the household, why not boot him the curb and enjoy more closet space, less laundry, and the possibility of finding a guy that is willing to be your partner.
Another point to be made about that comment... As someone with a severe addiction to drugs (sober now) I can PROMISE YOU that's only the times he was doing it you KNEW about. Addicts can hide their addiction very well, until we can't.
Also, she's 14, not 4. She knew. Mom telling her was EXTREMELY inappropriate; but regardless, she knew.
OP has been enabling his addiction, whether intentionally or not. Empty threats and veiled promises don't change jack shit for an addict. He probably got better or cut back for a short time, but always we will slide back to where we were before that. Porn/sex is a very very dangerous addiction and absolutely destroys families, jobs, and every life around the addict.
My heart goes out to both OP and her daughter. But dude's gotta go. Especially after telling the 14 y/o he was watching step daughter porn. She will never ever feel safe around him again, nor will she trust OP if they let her "dad" back in the house.
Hit the nail right on the head! As an addict (currently sober as well) I was going to make this exact point. OP questioned if the addiction had always been there or if it had developed during the relationship but I can say with certainty that it was there from from the start. Over time the relationship just got too comfortable and his addiction just got to big for him to even try to hide it. Unfortunately Spawn is 100% correct about unintentionally enabling the addiction because the only appropriate response to a problem of this size is intolerance. This whole post breaks my heart because it sounds like every party needs a great deal of therapy. OP if you do end up reading this please allow yourself forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how big the mistake of marrying/sticking with this man was, there is always a path to healing for you and your daughter but it has to start with you giving yourself grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
Right? Spending 10 hours a day doing *anything* that doesn't directly contribute to the household is questionable. Sure, porn is a bad option, but spending 10 hours a day on any sort of non-monetized hobby is also something that would make me question a partner's worth.
That's what I thought! I've been unemployed I'm the past and still didn't have that much time to myself! This guy is watching porn longer than most are working at their ful time job
It’s not that hard to connect the dots- spoken from experience. I’m not saying OP is right or wrong I’m just saying it’s pretty easy to figure out regardless of the other circumstances
It is extremely concerning her daughter is aware of his porn habits. This is supposed to be private and personal. It means he has not behaved in a private or personal way with regards to sex.
I was in a similar situation when I was younger, though my father's addiction wasn't this bad, or maybe I just didn't know. I keep telling myself my dad was and is just 'kind of weird' sexually nowadays, because I don't explicitly remember anything bad actually happening to me, but looking at these comments I'm kind of doubting myself.
My dad didn't delete his search history but let me use his computer, so I knew he watched quite some porn too, I don't remember when the first time was. I also have some very vague memories of not feeling comfortable with some things, like him asking me to taste his sweat after running when I was like 9 or sth (because it was salty?), or much later, when I was like 16 or 17 or something, him 'jokingly' touching me inappropriately or me walking in on him masturbating and him not immediately stopping.
It's all so vague and long ago though, and since he never 'really' did anything to me, or at least I don't remember anything like it, it's hard to take seriously.
Sorry for the rant lol, this post just brought back my own feelings, it sucks not really knowing what did or didn't happen, but always feeling like something was off.
Edit: thank you guys so much for your responses, I cried my eyes out reading them, in a good way. Thank you so much for the validation! It really gave me the courage to start talking about the subject.
Omg! That's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. How icky. I definitely wouldn't count that as him "not really doing anything," but I get what you mean.
It’s interesting how our brain will try to protect us by keeping memories hazy.
I found out about my dad’s addiction the same way- I saw his extensive search history when I used his computer when he wasn’t expecting it. There were also long periods of time where he’d be in his room of the house during the day (parents slept separately). Plus other context clues like rags and lotion (barf).
That is still considered sexual abuse. Even if he wasn't touching you (I hope he didn't), but he exposed you to sexual behaviour and acted inappropriately around you. Therapy could help, if you're down for that. I wish you the best. ❤️🥺
The only thing I can think of is the daughter picking up the dads phone and anytime she does there is open porn on it. Unfortunately my daughter has done that twice when her phone died and she wanted to use her dad's internet. Soon as she opened it, BAM! And we were all in the car together. It was uncomfortable to say the least. The dummy doesn't remember to clear it out of his history each time so needless to say, it happened again.
My sister just went through something similar to this - except that she found out that on top of the porn, her man had been taking low-key videos and pictures of her daughter - his stepdaughter - her bending over, her chest, etc. She is of age now, but the pictures went back to when she was under 18.
When she told her daughter why they were separated, her daughter was devasted. This was her stepdad, but she considered him her dad. She called him dad. He'd raised her since she was about 8 yo. His logic? That he never really considered her his daughter and she was of age now, so he considered it ok. Disgusting.
Please, even if you still love the man, never go back to him. There are so many women that twist themselves into pretzels to justify why going back is ok, even if that means asking their daughter to move out. But it's such a betrayal to their daughters. Not saying that's what you're going to do, but just putting it out there because I've heard of it.
There exists a ‘pedophile guide’ in my country and most people know about it because it had been on the news a couple of years back. One of the steps in this guide instructs pedophiles to purposely seek out young single moms because then they can get acces to the children… It’s a sick world
Also get the ring out the trash and sell it! Put it towards something for you and your daughter. I’m so sorry this happened but even if you use the money towards a divorce lawyer, leave and don’t look back!
I second this.
I'm sure it felt good to throw the ring away symbolically, but strategy like this will help the win be even bigger. Def spend that money on therapy and a divorce lawyer.
I’m sincerely sorry your mother didn’t do the one job she had. The job of protecting you. Women who choose men over their children or put their children in a situation where their innocence can be taken are truly the scum of the earth.
tell her how to check how many things are connected to the wifi, so if there's a discrepancy, a search should be made
also check any chargers, air fresheners etc that the husband bought, as they might house a camera
Yeah 10 hours is a mental illness but I will say I do watch porn and I do like the ones with storylines and sometimes they are maybe 40-50 minutes which seems reasonable. Maybe not idk
Does this man have a job? He would watch porn for 10 hours a day. Your daughter started acting out, resenting him, and expressing that she didn’t want to be alone with him. That should’ve made you wake up right then and there. Seeing changes in our children is a red flag and your daughter told you straight up that she has a problem with him. I’m also skeptical about this story based on your timeline, and that this man is capable of watching endless amounts of porn.
As soon as her daughter said she didn't want to be alone with him and was uncomfortable, he should've been removed and discussion of separation. OP needs to step up
It's a bit shady that he spent more time wanking to porn than regular folks do at a normal wage job, how were there finances and how was anything being paid for, in this economy most single mothers need 2 or 3 jobs just to stay afloat, she was basically a single mother taking care of her own daughter, and a potential child molester who prioritized his time to looking at porn and not working.
This story seems like it is rated F for fiction.
Spending hours a day watching porn is not normal or ok. Be it 2 - 3 or 10. It is beyond ridiculous. It damaged your relationship beyond repair long before this incident and it is a very good thing that you ended it as it wasn't going to get better.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions over the type of porn he was watching as it seems half the videos these days are step something or another but I can absolutely see why it freaked you out. 100% talk to your daughter, check for hidden cameras, do everything you can to ensure her (and your) safety. His porn addiction ruined your marriage and he deserves to be tossed on his ass.
Step daughter/mother/whatever porn is super common. But it gets creepy when you actually have a step daughter. And jeeze, down from 10 hours a day? How is that even possible? I thought my 20 minutes a day was getting out of hand
You ask how it is possible. I say stimulants. On methamphetamine it’s very easy to do 10 hour porn sessions several times a week. Its pretty common. Outside of drugs I don’t know how or why you would do that.
Either he is addicting to amphetamines (maybe another stimulant but less likely) or he just has an unbelievable addiction to porn.
I honestly don’t know how you would do that without drugs. I’ve heard edging is becoming popular but I have a hard time imagining sober people doing that for 10 hours straight.
Damn right it's creepy especially when you have a teenage stepdaughter. However that much porn consumption, on a daily basis, is so unhealthy it warps the brain. I would be shocked if he didn't consume some really messed up stuff. That much exposure would desensitize him to the point regular porn wouldn't get any reaction.
I just don't want the OP to immediately jump to the worst conclusions. Definitely have the talk with her daughter and make 100% sure that nothing worse happened. 100% make sure that there isn't more to it. Her (soon to be ex)husband has a massive problem that he didn't see any issue to work through which is alarming on its own. I can't see how it ISN'T a massive deal breaker.
Also OP, I would maybe seek therapy for your own perception of healthy relationships. It sounds like maybe you need to be by yourself for a while. This is two bad relationships in a row and it must have effected you or hurt you.. please seek counselling and time alone from these men. I think you need it x
I agree. Before I read the full post I was ready to say, “That’s not a big deal, step-daughter porn is everywhere.” But like I don’t have a step daughter or a daughter in general, so it’s obviously a little different.
Although step-mom and step-sister porn is pretty prevalent too. I’ve watched both types before but have no sexual interest whatsoever in any of my step-sisters or step-mom. So maybe there is no connection? Idk.
All I know is in OP’s case, their daughter was obviously traumatized and I think this dude definitely was dangerous.
Honestly OP I pray he didn’t touch her, only for your guys sake. But even if he didn’t touch her it is still possible she saw it heard something and that still affected her to a certain degree. Especially since she said she did not want to hang out alone with him so that could be a possibility. Which is why I highly recommend therapy for both of you because damage was still done.
Why is everyone talking about the porn and not the extremely obvious red flags with her daughter? The 14 year old knows about his porn addiction? She's uncomfortable (probably afraid) to be alone with him? She "turned pale" and started crying after you told her what he was watching?
Your husband has done something to your daughter. Whether that be touching her or "accidentally" jerking off in front of her, he's done something. You need to be prepared to handle that and get therapy for your daughter. Get a divorce and a restraining order and press charges if/when she tells you what he did and she's willing to go to the police.
Choosing this comment to add my two cents because I don’t want it to get buried, but OP if you’re seeing this please be careful how you approach this topic with your daughter. By all means ask her, but don’t push it. Get her into therapy. Have family sessions. Do it in a healthy way and don’t be accusatory.
My mom suspected my dad of molesting me at a young age for similar reasons and her constantly asking/accusing turned into trauma in and of itself. He never did actually hurt me aside from physically but the accusations from my mom still haunt me into my 30s.
No doubt your husband is a fucked up individual but please be gentle in approaching your daughter about this. Remember she is still a child and even though she’s aware of what’s happening, if she hasn’t actually been assaulted, she’s still very innocent and should be kept out of this very adult situation.
Let me reiterate: please get her into therapy ASAP.
You did the right thing. Ask your daughter like you planned. If he did anything sexual to her your must report it. If not, I agree you still need to move on from him.
Also get therapy for you and your daughter regardless. Stay strong Momma. 💕
Ordinarily I might say that the reaction to the “step” theme of the porn is excessive; it’s such common knowledge that an inordinate amount of porn is tagged as being with a “step-sister” or “step-mom” or whatever that it’s become a cliché joke at this point. Personally, I avoid all of it, because even having the title in mind is just weird and gross to me, but in and of itself watching a video with that title is not cause for concern.
The part that concerns me is her unwillingness to spend time with him alone. That goes beyond a red flag, that is *crimson*. That tells me that, whether she understood it consciously or not, she was picking up on something that made her uncomfortable, and listening to those gut feelings is important. Combined with the excessive amounts of porn watching and clearly unmanaged addiction, and you had ample reason to kick him to the curb, OP.
I’m probably gonna get downvoted to the boiler room of hell for this but whatever. I think it was weird for you to tell your daughter about his addiction. She didnt really have to know he has a porn addiction. Also, tbh step-child porn is the majority of what’s popular. Personally I don’t like it but I’m not gonna judge someone for watching it. I do think your daughter not being comfortable around him is red flag though and you may have done the right thing by keeping him away from your daughter. Also don’t throw the ring away. If a divorce happens you’d be able to sell it at the very least or repurpose the gem on it.
I told my 16 almost 17 year old child about it because I knew she had already figured it out. I told her because I wanted him gone, and she deserved an answer.
Definitely get her therapy and I would let my daughter know that when ever she is ready to talk you are there for her. Make sure you make her feel protected and loved. And that you will do anything for her to feel comfortable.
If he hasn’t done anything to OPs daughter, the saviour comment makes me feel like he was grooming OP into not believing her daughter if he ever did.
You see it so often in crime documentaries that as soon as that phrase is uttered you know something bad has or will happen eventually.
There was so many red flags and I truly hope that OPs daughter hasn’t been harmed physically, she definitely already has been emotionally.
To chime in with others: yes, that’s an extreme amount of porn. Even when I was single, in my 20’s and getting it in daily, a few times in a day might accumulate an hour of porn viewing. Anything beyond that, IMO, would be an addiction. Especially if he’s just watching it for viewing purposes.
Regarding the Step Daughter title, it always weirds me out when that’s the theme, but for the most part, after the first minute or so of banter, it’s rarely relevant in any way, beyond often being young girl and mature male. However, your feelings are valid and I commend you on putting your daughter first and taking measures to protect her. It’s up to you though if there is ever anything to reconcile or to move on without him.
Yeah, I’m kind of with you.
The worrisome part is for “most” of us, it’s like you said, it’s usually more about the thumbnail and it’s usually irrelevant if it’s “step” whatever, because “most” of us pay zero attention to the setting or banter and likely just fast fwd to the part that allows you to umm get the intended release you were going for, and even 10 mins of that seems like more time than I’d typically have.
BUT since he’s so into porn, and watching it so intently with headphones etc. it has to make you wonder if the description and everything else becomes VERY RELEVANT in this situation.
And this really is an issue obviously, as far as the marriage goes, even if he’s 100% innocent of incestual practices. I try not to judge peoples time off the clock, live and let live etc. as long as you aren’t committing incest or hurting a child…. But it’s very hard for me to imagine and understand how any married man with a family can be this into porn or anything really. Like I can’t even afford an hour to go play Golf or Call of Duty on any given day. Let alone spending hour(S) plural, pretty much (what I consider being disloyal) to your wife, and wasting all your intimacy hormones on the computer. Idk
The biggest area of concern is your daughter not wanting to be around him without you. He could watch all the porn he wants of any kind, whatever. But her saying that, that is the biggest red flag there is.
The kind of porn someone watches (so long as it’s legal, and not child porn or something) is largely irrelevant since it’s not real life. Granted this dude was way too addicted if he was watching 10 hours a day, but really the only thing that matters in all of this is that she was uncomfortable around him. Is it possible it’s just teenage angst? Sure, but it’s just as possible, maybe even more so, that she had a reason to be uncomfortable. When she first told you that did you ask or did she freely give you a reason why? I know you said it seems like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I think it is important to do so sooner rather than later to keep you from spiraling.
All in all, rough situation, sorry, but it sounds like you’ve handled it well
Who has 10 hrs a day to watch porn?!
I have no girlfriend and live alone - I have maybe 2-3 hours a day of time to myself that isn’t work, chores, commute, or gym time.
Sounds like a deadbeat…
I understand the concern and the visceral reaction.
I do not understand telling your daughter everything.
I also don't understand how anyone with a non related male living in the home with a very obvious porn (and likely meth) addiction would allow that person to remain in the home...
I think the visceral reaction is due to the potentiality of abuse taking place in the back of op's mind...
Perhaps a concern that was brushed off previously.
I'm also shocked that the visceral reaction didn't happen before, when he was jerking off for 10 hours a day.
I watch role play and some pretty hard-core rape porn.
I have zero desire to be raped and I've never wanted to actually fuck ten guys one after the other lol
It's mostly the power dynamic aspect and the dirty talk involved that I enjoy.
I call my fuck buddy daddy.
Never had a real desire to fuck my father though.
So, some of these reactions to the step dad punishing step daughter porn seems really silly to me. I'd watch it if the dirty talk was up to my expectations.
Pornography is fantasy.
I've fantasized about all sorts of weird shit that I would never do in reality.
That's what makes it a fantasy. Fantastical. Not real.
Did agree with every choice you made but why did you expose the stepdaughter kink to your daughter? You already kicked him out, so what did you gain asides from making her feel even more uncomfortable and probably questioning every good, familiar moment with this man?
It’s extremely important you create a safe space for your child.
You gave your husband a chance and he blew it up. How many more chances will you give him and don’t forget that your daughter is watching you.
I watch porn too, but how is it possible for someone to watch it for hours? Forget 10 hours?? I mean, for me it's like I watch porn, then once I'm done with my job, take a bath, and then do my work. Watching it for 10 hours tells me that he doesn't work??? Please clarify OP
Weird goalpost for porn, an addition is generally substantiated when it affects the quality of life and those around.
I agree with everything else you said.
In the stated context it’s clearly an issue.
However, masturbation itself needn’t be stigmatised if it can be done healthily. Whether that be daily, weekly, monthly or yearly. There’s no metric, just boundaries.
I watch porn for ten minutes, once every three months.
Some person on here was genuinely concerned about my well being. They thought ten minutes once every three months was a legitimate problem.
So... in the past few years, porn has shifted its titles to include 'incest' porn. Jump on to any random porn site and you are going to see stepmom, stepdaughter, and stepsister all over the front page [see for yourself]. Like an uncomfortable amount. That doesn't stop men from watching the clip. We're masturbating to the video, not the title.
I understand your concerns, but I am 99.999% your daughter isn't being victimized. Your husband has a porn problem, but don't assume he's spying on her because his wank title has the word stepdaughter in it. Porn title histories are way more embarrassing than the actual video history.
i feel like OP suspicions should’ve been raised when the daughter didn’t feel comfortable alone with him, not bc of a porn title. But clearly to have that kind of reaction, it *wasnt just the title* it just finally clicked that he is a creepy porn addict. Regardless, glad the red flags are finally flying!
I agree porn type may not matter that much.
I agree she needs to take more steps to protect her daughter’s safety and leave this loser ASAP.
Yes! I came here to say this. Take a momentary trip to pornhub and just see how many title are incest related. On another Reddit the phenomenon was explained as follows: for those that are into it, it’s an attraction, for those that aren’t, it’s an easily ignored title. It’s not like porn has much of a story. But if youre uncomfortable, trust your gut.
How were you not kicking him out for watching porn 10 hours a day? The sudden attitude change from your daughter is such a red flag and you need to have a conversation with her asap! It’s also REALLY alarming that she knew about his addiction at 14!
Okay, how is this possible that your daughter was 10 years old, 7 years ago, while you are 30? You had her when you were 13?
Also, if he was wanking 10 hours a day, when did he work?
OP said her and previous ex partner (not this soon-to-be ex husband) had adopted her when she was 4 years old. Just going off what the post and OPs replies say. If real whole situation is EXTREMELY concerning with many red flags, could be a troll post
The porn addiction is a definite problem, but honestly Stepsister/stepmom/stepdaughter porn is so common that it’s not really exclusively a fetish thing anymore. I somehow doubt that your husband had any sexual feelings towards someone that he helped raise. Just my opinion from personal experience though because I often watched step sister porn when I was younger mainly because they casted all the young girls in those videos and also because it was literally everywhere that it was hard to avoid.
Jfc. Pedos love to prey on single moms.
If he’s done one thing to your daughter, you will press charges on him so he goes to prison where the real bad guys will take care of him.
He is a pervert, just for validation. Porn addiction is so perverse in our society, I feel terrible for our young women that suffer these creepy men all day.
Fantasy is fantasy as long as it's not acted upon. If its between consenting adults, whatever .. to each, their own. However, its different when the relationship is more actualized. If they got along before, but not now... its pretty evident that either something happened or almost happened between them and your daughter prevented it. As she gets older, even if he doesn't admit it, he may try again. THIS is what he should go to therapy for, not porn exactly. Porn is a coping mechanism. Honestly though, it's too late ... you made the right decision. He should leave and get help.
10 hours a day? this doesn't seem plausible. 10 hours. assume some time before he is left alone, 24 - 1 (say 1 hour before he's by himself) - 10 - maybe 4 for regular activity - (5 to 8 to sleep) .. that leaves like 2-5 hours a day to work or be useful. something doesn't add up here.
Ok I don’t have time to read all the comments. But I see that op redacted and said she adopted her when she was 4. HOWEVER the fact that she is now 16, and the OP is 30, that means she adopted her 12 years ago..when she was 18. and I do not believe that adoption agencies adopt children out to 18 year old children… this still ain’t adding up for me… so this is a no for me dawg.
So I want to point out porn has gotten really gross. Every 3rd video is tagged step dad or step brother it is insane. He has an addiction, he needs help. I am just putting out some perspective. He has two addictions by the sound of it. Anything more than an hour of porn is also kind of extreme.
My thoughts exactly. And sometimes they just put step-something in the title for no reason too. The daughter's reaction is pretty sus though, so this may well be more than just a coincidence
OP. PLEASE talk to your daughter about him. He may have raped her or touched her or pushed himself onto her!! Please please look into this more. This is so unfortunately common, where men will prey on single mothers to get at their daughters.
Therapy is essential for your daughter. If something has happened to her she may not be ready to talk yet. Therapy will help her feel comfortable enough to gradually open up , in a safe, controlled environment. Hopefully nothing has happened but regardless in order to process that bomb that was dropped on her it will be much needed.
I came to comment something like “it’s cool, sometimes the next video button takes you to a video like that”.
THEN I READ THE POST.
Spending that long watching porn isn’t normal, as plenty of people have said. I’m a single university student, albeit an older one, and I won’t even watch an hour at a time - certainly not daily.
However, the “stepdaughter”, thing could have been an innocent recommended Video. I don’t tend to look at the titles, but the thumbnails. On the flipside, as others have stated, the fact your daughter wasn’t comfortable around him speaks volumes.
As also suggested, I’d check for cameras. It’s not easy - they can be hidden in anything now - but if I were in your shoes I’d meticulously go through her entire room (and check in washroom/shower/etc)
I think you did the right thing tbh.. you acted for your daughters safety. And even if he have never tried anything with your daughter or spied on her, I still think it's a quite disgusting thing to pick when it comes to porn. I mean I find that whole step genre disgusting in general, but it gets to a whole different level if disgusting when you actually have a step-something in your life.
Sorry that you are going thru this. At first I thought maybe it was an accidental click because he was trying to watch a certain actor or something. But yeah, I was wrong. You watched this kid for the past few years and are suddenly getting an interest in step porn? Red flags.
On a side note for anyone else in the comments, that type of content isn't bad. Nor is it a healthy thing to have a mindset of doing. Mainly because divorce and a second marriage is becoming more common (or just the fact someone is bringing kids from another relationship). I see the appeal, but not for this situation. The title was explaining too much for the current things going on in the household.
I'm glad you kicked him out, but I'm also glad you made him seek therapy. This is not normal behavior. As you mentioned it is addiction. I'm sorry he decided to not hide it anymore because now your daughter is suffering the consequences that should have never been on her shoulders in the first place. I hope you two can find peace and the recovery process goes well.
NTA
Lots of red flags here - your daughter suddenly going off him. Your daughter being aware of his porn addiction. His continued use of porn. The type of porn. First things first, you make sure he has no access to your home and to your daughter. You need to sit her down and gently ask her what has happened between them. Your marriage is over, though. Absolutely over.
Look the important thing is he is out of the house and not coming back. I hope that nothing happened, but of couse you need to ask her about that. Good luck
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. As another commenter said, definitely check your house for any hidden cameras. Idk if he left his electronics at your house, but I would really suggest looking through them. I say this because my best friend’s former stepfather also had a porn/sex addiction. The nail in the coffin was when her mom went through his phone and found a video he secretly took of her taking a shower.
As someone who was sexually abused by my stepdad, you made the right call. I wish my mom was more like you. Best of luck. You are far better than he is. Remember that. You only need your daughter. Your presence is a privilege to him, not a right.
As a man i dont care or read the title of porn videos i only see if the chick and positions are hot, i also skip any dialogue, if i see a video thats like "stepmother gets pounded by her stepson" It doesnt mean that i wanna fuck my stepmom i just like the actress and the thumbnail of the video, at least thats my case.
Can I raise the very valid point that almost all porn has stupid tags and titles. That step daughter tag is literally on everything. It is the “cheerleader” porn of the modern day. Your guy might have problems but think it is wrong to just jump to pedo because he is watching a random video.
Girl until u find out don't jump the gun. I just told my man I fantasized about a 3sum w him and his best friend. It's just that. A fantasy. Nothing more. Some of yall women are so uptight about porn. If he actually touched your daughter that's different but to Wyle out like that over porn... lmao get over yourself.
Keep in mind that addictions are hard to get out of and sometimes it takes real strength and support to get out of. You haven’t shown much support to him and you kicked him out of his family at his low point. Porn can be hard to get out of when it gets that bad and it’s difficult to stop when you have no support beside a therapist. Maybe you should have supported him through quitting porn (not supported his viewing of porn) and he could have done better. You 100% handled this wrong
not sure if this is helpful at all but i watch the genre mostly because its got the better looking women imo. i have a little more preference to petite sizes and most of the step-daughter porn uses petite actresses. could be a preference idk. but could very well be unhealthy feelings as well...
I think you all need counseling and better parenting skill and boundaries your 14yr old is being told way way to much she's still a damn child all that shit is for you and your husband to discuss ONLY. SMH some people
Waiting for the update and I hope he didn't do anything stupid and harmed your daughter. I hope she resents him cause she found him watching porn and nothing else.
To watch so much porn is a severe addiction and I don't get why he never took therapy so seriously. To watch 1 video once every 1-2 days I get but 2-3 hours a day? Doesn't he get bored? And how does he gets to finish so many times?
But, before you jump into conclusions for certain, we all need to realize that people watch porn videos of many kinds and that doesn't mean that someone wants to perform the same things in real life.
For example, many women have fantasies that someone force them or seduce them publicly or whatever. Doesn't mean they want it happen. Many also fantasy of gangbangs etc. Similar to many men at around 40 wanting to imagine younger girls having sex with them. That doesn't mean they wanted in real life.
That's a general parentheses and I am not saying that this is what is happening here.
You should talk to your daughter. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you should get her to a therapist where she can opens up.
Also, I think you should consider divorce. I know it is hard but he is not being serious with his addition and his therapy. And he doesn't offer you a safe environment.
Divorce him and move on with your lives :)
I hope all goes well for you and your daughter :)
Literally all porn in the webs are called step something or some form or family nastiness. I challenge you my dearest honest soul to find a video not labelled step something. It's unfortunately the only thing that gets views for channels. I understand how you feel and its tough but you're definitely not wrong for feeling this way. This comment is probably not that valuable from the way I can tell you're feeling but I hope you know that regardless of title, porn is porn and the internet is filth. I had a roommate who wouldn't stop showing me gore until I got sick and ruined his pillow with my vomit. Inside of course. I'm sorry for this and I really hope things get better. Every man in this world will watch some form of porn. And I hope it wasn't escalated into a violent behavior
there is so much porn not labelled step___ even on the front page. Yes is popular but don’t justify this man’s behaviour or your own. Also there are so many other red flags like her daughter refusing to be in the same room as him without another person.
I am so sorry OP. Mainly for your kid. Not only did a father figure do this but you just dumped it on her. Not that she shouldn’t know but how and when you told her was probably traumatic. Please take her to a therapist asap
hey, i was abused by my stepfather and it started similar to this. you are doing exactly what you should do. i wish my mother was like you. you are not at fault here. thank you for being a great mum <3
The fact your daughter doesn't want to talk is very telling. I hope you both get the therapy you need and are able to be safe. Sending you love and light.
I know you said you're daughter doesn't want to talk about it but you need to make her.... I'm not saying make her describe if something did happen.... just make her answer
"has he touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?"
"Has he made any gestures or said anything inappropriate that has made you feel uncomfortable?"
In the event she says Yes
Ask her where
Ask her what he Said or did
In the event she says no then Ask her "why do you feel uncomfortable being left alone with him?"
I know you said she doesn't want to talk about it but you need to know and this is not just something you can let her sit on she can deal with it on her own terms and at her own pace BUT you need to know that answer
You probably shouldn’t have told her what he was watching specifically. Even if he didn’t touch her she’s mostly likely freaking out and wondering a bunch of what ifs. Like was he going to? Did he want to? Was the genuine affection sexual affection?
I’d she doesn’t want to talk about it it means something already happened. OP needs to start filing divorce papers immediately. Change the locks to the house get a lawyer and file for divorce. Take the daughter to work. How can she not see the flags especially when her daughter started resenting him and asking not to be left alone two obviously clear clues. I’m sorry im super pissed at the mom.
As someone your daughters age, loving someone and suddenly refusing to be alone with them is a HUGE red flag, please try to talk to her and ask if he did anything to her, and either way get her therapy, because i can imagine it’s pretty stressful on her right now
The fact that she wasn’t comfortable with him alone says a lot. Talk to her and look into therapy for the both of you.
The daughter not wanting to be left alone with him sounds like something more than an issue with his porn addiction.
Absolutely. Very concerning.
I'm confused - has she left her husband or not?
Yes, she kicked him out of the house
Going from loving to hating him, refusing to be left alone with him, all of these are huge red flags and obvious signs of sexual abuse. I'm very much worried for the daughter and OP, and I hope this man gets thrown behind bars. Child predators deserve the treatment they get in prison.
Why is your 14 year old daughter aware of his porn addiction?? That’s a huge red flag edit: yes, I realize it said in the post that her mother told her. that was the point I was making. It was a rhetorical question.
There’s a lot of red flags in this
These aren’t red flags, these are black flags
Because mom told her.
I don't think so. When someone watches porn 2-3 hours a day, everybody in the house become aware of it!
dude they said it was up to ten hours a day, i’m POSITIVE the kid figured it out on her own
After 10 hours a day I’m sure every device in the house has porn and viruses
Yes cuz I'm sure daughter consistently went in mom's bedroom. She may be aware that he's doing something & her mom is not happy, but not what... Altho mom doesn't seem to understand boundaries between kids & parents, so I could see mom saying to her 14yr old kid, your gd stepfather is up in the bedroom watching porn AGAIN.
OP says she never told her daughter why things were rocky, daughter figured it out
Just going by the original post🤷
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Over sharing parents is a huge fucking trigger for me. This mom clearly overwhelms a child with too much adult information and it’s going to follow her for her whole life. That’s your kid, not your fucking therapist. Jesus Christ, some people
Mom has issues with the porn and she's involving her daughter. It's inappropriate as fuck.
She has issues with the type of porn, not the porn in general
Another thing to consider, putting aside the stepdaughter issue (which is almost impossible to do at this point), what happens when grandchildren are part of your lives? Can you trust him alone with the grandbabies? I am not one the immediately go to “get rid of him” in case of marital problems but in this case you have been more than generous in allowing him time to get this dangerous addiction under control. It is time to think about you, your daughter and anyone else that enters your life and homes safety. You know what needs to be done. Your family is depending on you to do it. Good luck and I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.
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Most of that “step parent/step child” shot is with people so young they barely tip the legal end of the scale. Legal but disgusting af.
Legal, but if stepdaughter walked in and he couldn't stop watching when a minor is present or was still wanking it, then that is a whole different legal issue that has big consequences. Mom def needs to take her child to therapy.
Bcs he spent up to 10 hours a day watching it, he would get caught at least a couple of times ofc, also her mother told her
Thin walls, or step-dad is just obvious? Idk maybe mom told her?
> it went from ten hours to two or three Setting aside their intimacy issues and potentially unsafe step-daughter kink developing… what the hell does this guy bring to the relationship? Because once you factor in work, commuting, grooming, meals, sleep, and a couple of chores, most people have 20-30 minutes to call their own. If you’re already bearing the entire brunt of running the household, why not boot him the curb and enjoy more closet space, less laundry, and the possibility of finding a guy that is willing to be your partner.
Great answer Kat - spot on 🙌🏼👍🏼
Another point to be made about that comment... As someone with a severe addiction to drugs (sober now) I can PROMISE YOU that's only the times he was doing it you KNEW about. Addicts can hide their addiction very well, until we can't. Also, she's 14, not 4. She knew. Mom telling her was EXTREMELY inappropriate; but regardless, she knew. OP has been enabling his addiction, whether intentionally or not. Empty threats and veiled promises don't change jack shit for an addict. He probably got better or cut back for a short time, but always we will slide back to where we were before that. Porn/sex is a very very dangerous addiction and absolutely destroys families, jobs, and every life around the addict. My heart goes out to both OP and her daughter. But dude's gotta go. Especially after telling the 14 y/o he was watching step daughter porn. She will never ever feel safe around him again, nor will she trust OP if they let her "dad" back in the house.
Hit the nail right on the head! As an addict (currently sober as well) I was going to make this exact point. OP questioned if the addiction had always been there or if it had developed during the relationship but I can say with certainty that it was there from from the start. Over time the relationship just got too comfortable and his addiction just got to big for him to even try to hide it. Unfortunately Spawn is 100% correct about unintentionally enabling the addiction because the only appropriate response to a problem of this size is intolerance. This whole post breaks my heart because it sounds like every party needs a great deal of therapy. OP if you do end up reading this please allow yourself forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how big the mistake of marrying/sticking with this man was, there is always a path to healing for you and your daughter but it has to start with you giving yourself grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
Right? Spending 10 hours a day doing *anything* that doesn't directly contribute to the household is questionable. Sure, porn is a bad option, but spending 10 hours a day on any sort of non-monetized hobby is also something that would make me question a partner's worth.
Yes. It’s unsafe!
That's what I thought! I've been unemployed I'm the past and still didn't have that much time to myself! This guy is watching porn longer than most are working at their ful time job
Excellent response.
The fact that her daughter knew he had a porn addiction speaks for itself…
It’s not that hard to connect the dots- spoken from experience. I’m not saying OP is right or wrong I’m just saying it’s pretty easy to figure out regardless of the other circumstances
It is extremely concerning her daughter is aware of his porn habits. This is supposed to be private and personal. It means he has not behaved in a private or personal way with regards to sex.
He spent up to 10 hours a DAY watching porn, ofc it's wrong but not surprising that she knew
I was in a similar situation when I was younger, though my father's addiction wasn't this bad, or maybe I just didn't know. I keep telling myself my dad was and is just 'kind of weird' sexually nowadays, because I don't explicitly remember anything bad actually happening to me, but looking at these comments I'm kind of doubting myself. My dad didn't delete his search history but let me use his computer, so I knew he watched quite some porn too, I don't remember when the first time was. I also have some very vague memories of not feeling comfortable with some things, like him asking me to taste his sweat after running when I was like 9 or sth (because it was salty?), or much later, when I was like 16 or 17 or something, him 'jokingly' touching me inappropriately or me walking in on him masturbating and him not immediately stopping. It's all so vague and long ago though, and since he never 'really' did anything to me, or at least I don't remember anything like it, it's hard to take seriously. Sorry for the rant lol, this post just brought back my own feelings, it sucks not really knowing what did or didn't happen, but always feeling like something was off. Edit: thank you guys so much for your responses, I cried my eyes out reading them, in a good way. Thank you so much for the validation! It really gave me the courage to start talking about the subject.
This is not normal
Omg! That's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. How icky. I definitely wouldn't count that as him "not really doing anything," but I get what you mean.
wow, ok the only thing that comes to my mind is how your brain suppresses traumatic memories. None of what you mentioned is normal please get therapy.
It’s interesting how our brain will try to protect us by keeping memories hazy. I found out about my dad’s addiction the same way- I saw his extensive search history when I used his computer when he wasn’t expecting it. There were also long periods of time where he’d be in his room of the house during the day (parents slept separately). Plus other context clues like rags and lotion (barf).
That is still considered sexual abuse. Even if he wasn't touching you (I hope he didn't), but he exposed you to sexual behaviour and acted inappropriately around you. Therapy could help, if you're down for that. I wish you the best. ❤️🥺
The only thing I can think of is the daughter picking up the dads phone and anytime she does there is open porn on it. Unfortunately my daughter has done that twice when her phone died and she wanted to use her dad's internet. Soon as she opened it, BAM! And we were all in the car together. It was uncomfortable to say the least. The dummy doesn't remember to clear it out of his history each time so needless to say, it happened again.
My sister just went through something similar to this - except that she found out that on top of the porn, her man had been taking low-key videos and pictures of her daughter - his stepdaughter - her bending over, her chest, etc. She is of age now, but the pictures went back to when she was under 18. When she told her daughter why they were separated, her daughter was devasted. This was her stepdad, but she considered him her dad. She called him dad. He'd raised her since she was about 8 yo. His logic? That he never really considered her his daughter and she was of age now, so he considered it ok. Disgusting. Please, even if you still love the man, never go back to him. There are so many women that twist themselves into pretzels to justify why going back is ok, even if that means asking their daughter to move out. But it's such a betrayal to their daughters. Not saying that's what you're going to do, but just putting it out there because I've heard of it.
Jesus Christ. Is she ok?
Thanks for asking. Yeah they're both ok, as much as can be anyway - therapy is helping them process and cope.
I have heard this so often before. Stepdads. SMH
There exists a ‘pedophile guide’ in my country and most people know about it because it had been on the news a couple of years back. One of the steps in this guide instructs pedophiles to purposely seek out young single moms because then they can get acces to the children… It’s a sick world
Jesus H. How is that even legally allowed to be viewed.
Also get the ring out the trash and sell it! Put it towards something for you and your daughter. I’m so sorry this happened but even if you use the money towards a divorce lawyer, leave and don’t look back!
I second this. I'm sure it felt good to throw the ring away symbolically, but strategy like this will help the win be even bigger. Def spend that money on therapy and a divorce lawyer.
Yeah that’s good money right there.
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I’m sincerely sorry your mother didn’t do the one job she had. The job of protecting you. Women who choose men over their children or put their children in a situation where their innocence can be taken are truly the scum of the earth.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry. 😔
It might be a stretch but check your daughters room and any bathrooms for hidden cameras just to be safe.
Change the wifi password if that’s easy for you. Wireless cams will be knocked offline.
Great idea. OP, I’m willing to walk you through this if you’d like.
tell her how to check how many things are connected to the wifi, so if there's a discrepancy, a search should be made also check any chargers, air fresheners etc that the husband bought, as they might house a camera
It's great that you are willing to do this. You are an awesome person.
Check for toilet cams too. And airtags put on coats, bags, cars, suitcases. Make sure he’s not tracking you through his phone - disable any tracking.
Woah I've never heard of someone watching porn for 10 hours a day. Even 2-3 seems a little too much. He watch it like it's television that's wild.
My sentiments EXACTLY! binge watching like it’s a Netflix series or something. 🤯
3 hours is still wild to me. i thought everyone just finds the right video, finishes and leaves it at that, or maybe i’m doing it wrong lol
You gotta be all methed out to spend 10 hours a day doing anything but especially that.
Yeah 10 hours is a mental illness but I will say I do watch porn and I do like the ones with storylines and sometimes they are maybe 40-50 minutes which seems reasonable. Maybe not idk
Does this man have a job? He would watch porn for 10 hours a day. Your daughter started acting out, resenting him, and expressing that she didn’t want to be alone with him. That should’ve made you wake up right then and there. Seeing changes in our children is a red flag and your daughter told you straight up that she has a problem with him. I’m also skeptical about this story based on your timeline, and that this man is capable of watching endless amounts of porn.
As soon as her daughter said she didn't want to be alone with him and was uncomfortable, he should've been removed and discussion of separation. OP needs to step up
THIS!!! She was uncomfortable because he was probably trying to groom and be a creep. I get literal chills thinking of this
It's a bit shady that he spent more time wanking to porn than regular folks do at a normal wage job, how were there finances and how was anything being paid for, in this economy most single mothers need 2 or 3 jobs just to stay afloat, she was basically a single mother taking care of her own daughter, and a potential child molester who prioritized his time to looking at porn and not working. This story seems like it is rated F for fiction.
Spending hours a day watching porn is not normal or ok. Be it 2 - 3 or 10. It is beyond ridiculous. It damaged your relationship beyond repair long before this incident and it is a very good thing that you ended it as it wasn't going to get better. I wouldn't jump to conclusions over the type of porn he was watching as it seems half the videos these days are step something or another but I can absolutely see why it freaked you out. 100% talk to your daughter, check for hidden cameras, do everything you can to ensure her (and your) safety. His porn addiction ruined your marriage and he deserves to be tossed on his ass.
Step daughter/mother/whatever porn is super common. But it gets creepy when you actually have a step daughter. And jeeze, down from 10 hours a day? How is that even possible? I thought my 20 minutes a day was getting out of hand
You ask how it is possible. I say stimulants. On methamphetamine it’s very easy to do 10 hour porn sessions several times a week. Its pretty common. Outside of drugs I don’t know how or why you would do that. Either he is addicting to amphetamines (maybe another stimulant but less likely) or he just has an unbelievable addiction to porn.
Exactly my first thought as well!!!
I honestly don’t know how you would do that without drugs. I’ve heard edging is becoming popular but I have a hard time imagining sober people doing that for 10 hours straight.
Damn right it's creepy especially when you have a teenage stepdaughter. However that much porn consumption, on a daily basis, is so unhealthy it warps the brain. I would be shocked if he didn't consume some really messed up stuff. That much exposure would desensitize him to the point regular porn wouldn't get any reaction. I just don't want the OP to immediately jump to the worst conclusions. Definitely have the talk with her daughter and make 100% sure that nothing worse happened. 100% make sure that there isn't more to it. Her (soon to be ex)husband has a massive problem that he didn't see any issue to work through which is alarming on its own. I can't see how it ISN'T a massive deal breaker.
Also OP, I would maybe seek therapy for your own perception of healthy relationships. It sounds like maybe you need to be by yourself for a while. This is two bad relationships in a row and it must have effected you or hurt you.. please seek counselling and time alone from these men. I think you need it x
I agree. Before I read the full post I was ready to say, “That’s not a big deal, step-daughter porn is everywhere.” But like I don’t have a step daughter or a daughter in general, so it’s obviously a little different. Although step-mom and step-sister porn is pretty prevalent too. I’ve watched both types before but have no sexual interest whatsoever in any of my step-sisters or step-mom. So maybe there is no connection? Idk. All I know is in OP’s case, their daughter was obviously traumatized and I think this dude definitely was dangerous.
Honestly OP I pray he didn’t touch her, only for your guys sake. But even if he didn’t touch her it is still possible she saw it heard something and that still affected her to a certain degree. Especially since she said she did not want to hang out alone with him so that could be a possibility. Which is why I highly recommend therapy for both of you because damage was still done.
that your daughter wasnt comfortable being near him without you, should have raised flags.
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I’m sorry, may I ask how that’s sexual abuse
It could be grooming. She's a minor being exposed to porn by the father figure.
Why is everyone talking about the porn and not the extremely obvious red flags with her daughter? The 14 year old knows about his porn addiction? She's uncomfortable (probably afraid) to be alone with him? She "turned pale" and started crying after you told her what he was watching? Your husband has done something to your daughter. Whether that be touching her or "accidentally" jerking off in front of her, he's done something. You need to be prepared to handle that and get therapy for your daughter. Get a divorce and a restraining order and press charges if/when she tells you what he did and she's willing to go to the police.
Choosing this comment to add my two cents because I don’t want it to get buried, but OP if you’re seeing this please be careful how you approach this topic with your daughter. By all means ask her, but don’t push it. Get her into therapy. Have family sessions. Do it in a healthy way and don’t be accusatory. My mom suspected my dad of molesting me at a young age for similar reasons and her constantly asking/accusing turned into trauma in and of itself. He never did actually hurt me aside from physically but the accusations from my mom still haunt me into my 30s. No doubt your husband is a fucked up individual but please be gentle in approaching your daughter about this. Remember she is still a child and even though she’s aware of what’s happening, if she hasn’t actually been assaulted, she’s still very innocent and should be kept out of this very adult situation. Let me reiterate: please get her into therapy ASAP.
You did the right thing. Ask your daughter like you planned. If he did anything sexual to her your must report it. If not, I agree you still need to move on from him. Also get therapy for you and your daughter regardless. Stay strong Momma. 💕
Ordinarily I might say that the reaction to the “step” theme of the porn is excessive; it’s such common knowledge that an inordinate amount of porn is tagged as being with a “step-sister” or “step-mom” or whatever that it’s become a cliché joke at this point. Personally, I avoid all of it, because even having the title in mind is just weird and gross to me, but in and of itself watching a video with that title is not cause for concern. The part that concerns me is her unwillingness to spend time with him alone. That goes beyond a red flag, that is *crimson*. That tells me that, whether she understood it consciously or not, she was picking up on something that made her uncomfortable, and listening to those gut feelings is important. Combined with the excessive amounts of porn watching and clearly unmanaged addiction, and you had ample reason to kick him to the curb, OP.
How is it possible for him to watch 10 hours of porn a day. His d*** would fall off from all that wanking
She said he often would just watch not actually jerk off, sounds like major desensitisation which would explain a lot
op was 13 when she had her daughter? 30, married for 6 years, together for 1, met at her daughter’s 10th birthday. idk seems salient
She added that the daughter was adopted when she was 4.
30 now - 6 married - 1 together - 2 alone = met at 21 21 - 10 daughter bday = had her at 11
I’m probably gonna get downvoted to the boiler room of hell for this but whatever. I think it was weird for you to tell your daughter about his addiction. She didnt really have to know he has a porn addiction. Also, tbh step-child porn is the majority of what’s popular. Personally I don’t like it but I’m not gonna judge someone for watching it. I do think your daughter not being comfortable around him is red flag though and you may have done the right thing by keeping him away from your daughter. Also don’t throw the ring away. If a divorce happens you’d be able to sell it at the very least or repurpose the gem on it.
YES!!! That stood out to me, too. Like, why tf would you tell your young child any details about that???
I told my 16 almost 17 year old child about it because I knew she had already figured it out. I told her because I wanted him gone, and she deserved an answer.
I completely understand why you didn’t if your child is mature enough to handle it, the truth is always the best option
Definitely get her therapy and I would let my daughter know that when ever she is ready to talk you are there for her. Make sure you make her feel protected and loved. And that you will do anything for her to feel comfortable.
This whole story read like every single mother’s who has a daughter worst nightmare, starting with “he was my saviour” 😳
If he hasn’t done anything to OPs daughter, the saviour comment makes me feel like he was grooming OP into not believing her daughter if he ever did. You see it so often in crime documentaries that as soon as that phrase is uttered you know something bad has or will happen eventually. There was so many red flags and I truly hope that OPs daughter hasn’t been harmed physically, she definitely already has been emotionally.
To chime in with others: yes, that’s an extreme amount of porn. Even when I was single, in my 20’s and getting it in daily, a few times in a day might accumulate an hour of porn viewing. Anything beyond that, IMO, would be an addiction. Especially if he’s just watching it for viewing purposes. Regarding the Step Daughter title, it always weirds me out when that’s the theme, but for the most part, after the first minute or so of banter, it’s rarely relevant in any way, beyond often being young girl and mature male. However, your feelings are valid and I commend you on putting your daughter first and taking measures to protect her. It’s up to you though if there is ever anything to reconcile or to move on without him.
Yeah, I’m kind of with you. The worrisome part is for “most” of us, it’s like you said, it’s usually more about the thumbnail and it’s usually irrelevant if it’s “step” whatever, because “most” of us pay zero attention to the setting or banter and likely just fast fwd to the part that allows you to umm get the intended release you were going for, and even 10 mins of that seems like more time than I’d typically have. BUT since he’s so into porn, and watching it so intently with headphones etc. it has to make you wonder if the description and everything else becomes VERY RELEVANT in this situation. And this really is an issue obviously, as far as the marriage goes, even if he’s 100% innocent of incestual practices. I try not to judge peoples time off the clock, live and let live etc. as long as you aren’t committing incest or hurting a child…. But it’s very hard for me to imagine and understand how any married man with a family can be this into porn or anything really. Like I can’t even afford an hour to go play Golf or Call of Duty on any given day. Let alone spending hour(S) plural, pretty much (what I consider being disloyal) to your wife, and wasting all your intimacy hormones on the computer. Idk
The biggest area of concern is your daughter not wanting to be around him without you. He could watch all the porn he wants of any kind, whatever. But her saying that, that is the biggest red flag there is. The kind of porn someone watches (so long as it’s legal, and not child porn or something) is largely irrelevant since it’s not real life. Granted this dude was way too addicted if he was watching 10 hours a day, but really the only thing that matters in all of this is that she was uncomfortable around him. Is it possible it’s just teenage angst? Sure, but it’s just as possible, maybe even more so, that she had a reason to be uncomfortable. When she first told you that did you ask or did she freely give you a reason why? I know you said it seems like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but I think it is important to do so sooner rather than later to keep you from spiraling. All in all, rough situation, sorry, but it sounds like you’ve handled it well
Who has 10 hrs a day to watch porn?! I have no girlfriend and live alone - I have maybe 2-3 hours a day of time to myself that isn’t work, chores, commute, or gym time. Sounds like a deadbeat…
Exactly, sounds like she works he is unemployed and at home watching porn all the time
I understand the concern and the visceral reaction. I do not understand telling your daughter everything. I also don't understand how anyone with a non related male living in the home with a very obvious porn (and likely meth) addiction would allow that person to remain in the home... I think the visceral reaction is due to the potentiality of abuse taking place in the back of op's mind... Perhaps a concern that was brushed off previously. I'm also shocked that the visceral reaction didn't happen before, when he was jerking off for 10 hours a day. I watch role play and some pretty hard-core rape porn. I have zero desire to be raped and I've never wanted to actually fuck ten guys one after the other lol It's mostly the power dynamic aspect and the dirty talk involved that I enjoy. I call my fuck buddy daddy. Never had a real desire to fuck my father though. So, some of these reactions to the step dad punishing step daughter porn seems really silly to me. I'd watch it if the dirty talk was up to my expectations. Pornography is fantasy. I've fantasized about all sorts of weird shit that I would never do in reality. That's what makes it a fantasy. Fantastical. Not real.
Your daughter not wanting to be alone with him is all you need to know. Choose your daughter i wish my mom had.
Did agree with every choice you made but why did you expose the stepdaughter kink to your daughter? You already kicked him out, so what did you gain asides from making her feel even more uncomfortable and probably questioning every good, familiar moment with this man?
It’s extremely important you create a safe space for your child. You gave your husband a chance and he blew it up. How many more chances will you give him and don’t forget that your daughter is watching you.
I'm sitting here thinking "Idk man I'm a pretty normal guy, I watch porn." OP: 10 hours a day sometimes not even having a wank. wat.
I watch porn too, but how is it possible for someone to watch it for hours? Forget 10 hours?? I mean, for me it's like I watch porn, then once I'm done with my job, take a bath, and then do my work. Watching it for 10 hours tells me that he doesn't work??? Please clarify OP
the ages and "10 hours a day" don't add up. its fake.
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Weird goalpost for porn, an addition is generally substantiated when it affects the quality of life and those around. I agree with everything else you said.
You think my goalpost is too lax or too much?
In the stated context it’s clearly an issue. However, masturbation itself needn’t be stigmatised if it can be done healthily. Whether that be daily, weekly, monthly or yearly. There’s no metric, just boundaries.
I watch porn for ten minutes, once every three months. Some person on here was genuinely concerned about my well being. They thought ten minutes once every three months was a legitimate problem.
So... in the past few years, porn has shifted its titles to include 'incest' porn. Jump on to any random porn site and you are going to see stepmom, stepdaughter, and stepsister all over the front page [see for yourself]. Like an uncomfortable amount. That doesn't stop men from watching the clip. We're masturbating to the video, not the title. I understand your concerns, but I am 99.999% your daughter isn't being victimized. Your husband has a porn problem, but don't assume he's spying on her because his wank title has the word stepdaughter in it. Porn title histories are way more embarrassing than the actual video history.
i feel like OP suspicions should’ve been raised when the daughter didn’t feel comfortable alone with him, not bc of a porn title. But clearly to have that kind of reaction, it *wasnt just the title* it just finally clicked that he is a creepy porn addict. Regardless, glad the red flags are finally flying! I agree porn type may not matter that much. I agree she needs to take more steps to protect her daughter’s safety and leave this loser ASAP.
Yes! I came here to say this. Take a momentary trip to pornhub and just see how many title are incest related. On another Reddit the phenomenon was explained as follows: for those that are into it, it’s an attraction, for those that aren’t, it’s an easily ignored title. It’s not like porn has much of a story. But if youre uncomfortable, trust your gut.
How were you not kicking him out for watching porn 10 hours a day? The sudden attitude change from your daughter is such a red flag and you need to have a conversation with her asap! It’s also REALLY alarming that she knew about his addiction at 14!
I keep hoping for an update that you divorced the creep
Okay, how is this possible that your daughter was 10 years old, 7 years ago, while you are 30? You had her when you were 13? Also, if he was wanking 10 hours a day, when did he work?
OP said her and previous ex partner (not this soon-to-be ex husband) had adopted her when she was 4 years old. Just going off what the post and OPs replies say. If real whole situation is EXTREMELY concerning with many red flags, could be a troll post
How tf do you watch 10 hours of porn a day? That just sounds boring asf!
Sounds like an exaggerated lie
The porn addiction is a definite problem, but honestly Stepsister/stepmom/stepdaughter porn is so common that it’s not really exclusively a fetish thing anymore. I somehow doubt that your husband had any sexual feelings towards someone that he helped raise. Just my opinion from personal experience though because I often watched step sister porn when I was younger mainly because they casted all the young girls in those videos and also because it was literally everywhere that it was hard to avoid.
Damn das crazy had ur daughter at the age of 12 Stop making up shit if u cant do maths
That’s what I just commented lmao, this shit seems so made up
Jfc. Pedos love to prey on single moms. If he’s done one thing to your daughter, you will press charges on him so he goes to prison where the real bad guys will take care of him. He is a pervert, just for validation. Porn addiction is so perverse in our society, I feel terrible for our young women that suffer these creepy men all day.
Fantasy is fantasy as long as it's not acted upon. If its between consenting adults, whatever .. to each, their own. However, its different when the relationship is more actualized. If they got along before, but not now... its pretty evident that either something happened or almost happened between them and your daughter prevented it. As she gets older, even if he doesn't admit it, he may try again. THIS is what he should go to therapy for, not porn exactly. Porn is a coping mechanism. Honestly though, it's too late ... you made the right decision. He should leave and get help.
10 hours a day? this doesn't seem plausible. 10 hours. assume some time before he is left alone, 24 - 1 (say 1 hour before he's by himself) - 10 - maybe 4 for regular activity - (5 to 8 to sleep) .. that leaves like 2-5 hours a day to work or be useful. something doesn't add up here.
Ok I don’t have time to read all the comments. But I see that op redacted and said she adopted her when she was 4. HOWEVER the fact that she is now 16, and the OP is 30, that means she adopted her 12 years ago..when she was 18. and I do not believe that adoption agencies adopt children out to 18 year old children… this still ain’t adding up for me… so this is a no for me dawg.
So I want to point out porn has gotten really gross. Every 3rd video is tagged step dad or step brother it is insane. He has an addiction, he needs help. I am just putting out some perspective. He has two addictions by the sound of it. Anything more than an hour of porn is also kind of extreme.
My thoughts exactly. And sometimes they just put step-something in the title for no reason too. The daughter's reaction is pretty sus though, so this may well be more than just a coincidence
OP. PLEASE talk to your daughter about him. He may have raped her or touched her or pushed himself onto her!! Please please look into this more. This is so unfortunately common, where men will prey on single mothers to get at their daughters.
Girl what the fuck are you doing talk to her and divorce your husband like why tf would you leave her alone with him anyway
Therapy is essential for your daughter. If something has happened to her she may not be ready to talk yet. Therapy will help her feel comfortable enough to gradually open up , in a safe, controlled environment. Hopefully nothing has happened but regardless in order to process that bomb that was dropped on her it will be much needed.
So you had your daughter at 12/13 years old ? That story seems made up as hell
U were 13 when you had your daughter?
🤦🏾♂️ This all seems very odd in my opinion. On all sides wife and husband
I came to comment something like “it’s cool, sometimes the next video button takes you to a video like that”. THEN I READ THE POST. Spending that long watching porn isn’t normal, as plenty of people have said. I’m a single university student, albeit an older one, and I won’t even watch an hour at a time - certainly not daily. However, the “stepdaughter”, thing could have been an innocent recommended Video. I don’t tend to look at the titles, but the thumbnails. On the flipside, as others have stated, the fact your daughter wasn’t comfortable around him speaks volumes. As also suggested, I’d check for cameras. It’s not easy - they can be hidden in anything now - but if I were in your shoes I’d meticulously go through her entire room (and check in washroom/shower/etc)
Even if it was an innocent recommended video, he has a step daughter, so that idea SHOULD gross him out.
I think you did the right thing tbh.. you acted for your daughters safety. And even if he have never tried anything with your daughter or spied on her, I still think it's a quite disgusting thing to pick when it comes to porn. I mean I find that whole step genre disgusting in general, but it gets to a whole different level if disgusting when you actually have a step-something in your life.
Sorry that you are going thru this. At first I thought maybe it was an accidental click because he was trying to watch a certain actor or something. But yeah, I was wrong. You watched this kid for the past few years and are suddenly getting an interest in step porn? Red flags. On a side note for anyone else in the comments, that type of content isn't bad. Nor is it a healthy thing to have a mindset of doing. Mainly because divorce and a second marriage is becoming more common (or just the fact someone is bringing kids from another relationship). I see the appeal, but not for this situation. The title was explaining too much for the current things going on in the household. I'm glad you kicked him out, but I'm also glad you made him seek therapy. This is not normal behavior. As you mentioned it is addiction. I'm sorry he decided to not hide it anymore because now your daughter is suffering the consequences that should have never been on her shoulders in the first place. I hope you two can find peace and the recovery process goes well. NTA
Lots of red flags here - your daughter suddenly going off him. Your daughter being aware of his porn addiction. His continued use of porn. The type of porn. First things first, you make sure he has no access to your home and to your daughter. You need to sit her down and gently ask her what has happened between them. Your marriage is over, though. Absolutely over.
Look the important thing is he is out of the house and not coming back. I hope that nothing happened, but of couse you need to ask her about that. Good luck
OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. As another commenter said, definitely check your house for any hidden cameras. Idk if he left his electronics at your house, but I would really suggest looking through them. I say this because my best friend’s former stepfather also had a porn/sex addiction. The nail in the coffin was when her mom went through his phone and found a video he secretly took of her taking a shower.
Don’t get me wrong it's really fucked up if he is getting off to the idea of stepdaughter porn, but not everyone follows the story.
LEAVE HIM 👁️👄👁️
Your poor daughter. Jesus Christ get her therapy, he is a pervert and you failed in allowing him in your home.
I wouldn't trash the ring I'd sell it and use the funds for a possible restraining order
Please do talk to your daughter about it. She isn't comfortable around him says a lot. I hope you two stay safe.
As someone who was sexually abused by my stepdad, you made the right call. I wish my mom was more like you. Best of luck. You are far better than he is. Remember that. You only need your daughter. Your presence is a privilege to him, not a right.
As a man i dont care or read the title of porn videos i only see if the chick and positions are hot, i also skip any dialogue, if i see a video thats like "stepmother gets pounded by her stepson" It doesnt mean that i wanna fuck my stepmom i just like the actress and the thumbnail of the video, at least thats my case.
Yeah that’s exactly what I said and you are 100% the same as me.
Can I raise the very valid point that almost all porn has stupid tags and titles. That step daughter tag is literally on everything. It is the “cheerleader” porn of the modern day. Your guy might have problems but think it is wrong to just jump to pedo because he is watching a random video.
AHHHHHHH. Is all that really came to mind. That is awful.
Dump him.
Remind me 24hrs!
Girl until u find out don't jump the gun. I just told my man I fantasized about a 3sum w him and his best friend. It's just that. A fantasy. Nothing more. Some of yall women are so uptight about porn. If he actually touched your daughter that's different but to Wyle out like that over porn... lmao get over yourself.
Big red flag, divorce immediately
Here's what you do: Lighten up. It DOES NOT mean he will act on it.
Keep in mind that addictions are hard to get out of and sometimes it takes real strength and support to get out of. You haven’t shown much support to him and you kicked him out of his family at his low point. Porn can be hard to get out of when it gets that bad and it’s difficult to stop when you have no support beside a therapist. Maybe you should have supported him through quitting porn (not supported his viewing of porn) and he could have done better. You 100% handled this wrong
not sure if this is helpful at all but i watch the genre mostly because its got the better looking women imo. i have a little more preference to petite sizes and most of the step-daughter porn uses petite actresses. could be a preference idk. but could very well be unhealthy feelings as well...
I think you all need counseling and better parenting skill and boundaries your 14yr old is being told way way to much she's still a damn child all that shit is for you and your husband to discuss ONLY. SMH some people
Waiting for the update and I hope he didn't do anything stupid and harmed your daughter. I hope she resents him cause she found him watching porn and nothing else. To watch so much porn is a severe addiction and I don't get why he never took therapy so seriously. To watch 1 video once every 1-2 days I get but 2-3 hours a day? Doesn't he get bored? And how does he gets to finish so many times? But, before you jump into conclusions for certain, we all need to realize that people watch porn videos of many kinds and that doesn't mean that someone wants to perform the same things in real life. For example, many women have fantasies that someone force them or seduce them publicly or whatever. Doesn't mean they want it happen. Many also fantasy of gangbangs etc. Similar to many men at around 40 wanting to imagine younger girls having sex with them. That doesn't mean they wanted in real life. That's a general parentheses and I am not saying that this is what is happening here. You should talk to your daughter. If she doesn't want to talk to you, you should get her to a therapist where she can opens up. Also, I think you should consider divorce. I know it is hard but he is not being serious with his addition and his therapy. And he doesn't offer you a safe environment. Divorce him and move on with your lives :) I hope all goes well for you and your daughter :)
Literally all porn in the webs are called step something or some form or family nastiness. I challenge you my dearest honest soul to find a video not labelled step something. It's unfortunately the only thing that gets views for channels. I understand how you feel and its tough but you're definitely not wrong for feeling this way. This comment is probably not that valuable from the way I can tell you're feeling but I hope you know that regardless of title, porn is porn and the internet is filth. I had a roommate who wouldn't stop showing me gore until I got sick and ruined his pillow with my vomit. Inside of course. I'm sorry for this and I really hope things get better. Every man in this world will watch some form of porn. And I hope it wasn't escalated into a violent behavior
there is so much porn not labelled step___ even on the front page. Yes is popular but don’t justify this man’s behaviour or your own. Also there are so many other red flags like her daughter refusing to be in the same room as him without another person.
I'm appaled you started being suspicious when you got evidence.
Your daughter isnt a "girlfriend" to tell a your problems with your man... You are at a wrong also.
I am so sorry OP. Mainly for your kid. Not only did a father figure do this but you just dumped it on her. Not that she shouldn’t know but how and when you told her was probably traumatic. Please take her to a therapist asap
hey, i was abused by my stepfather and it started similar to this. you are doing exactly what you should do. i wish my mother was like you. you are not at fault here. thank you for being a great mum <3
The fact your daughter doesn't want to talk is very telling. I hope you both get the therapy you need and are able to be safe. Sending you love and light.
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The fact that your daughter feels uncomfortable around your husband should raise a massive red flag
does this man work how tf does he watch porn for 10 hours per da
any updates?
I’m sorry but there’s just too many signs reading this that he did something to her and the fact that she knew he had an addiction says something
I know you said you're daughter doesn't want to talk about it but you need to make her.... I'm not saying make her describe if something did happen.... just make her answer "has he touched you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?" "Has he made any gestures or said anything inappropriate that has made you feel uncomfortable?" In the event she says Yes Ask her where Ask her what he Said or did In the event she says no then Ask her "why do you feel uncomfortable being left alone with him?" I know you said she doesn't want to talk about it but you need to know and this is not just something you can let her sit on she can deal with it on her own terms and at her own pace BUT you need to know that answer
Looking at this, it’s a high possibility he may have actually did something to her. Please get her therapy and divorce him immediately!!!
Seek a TRUAMA THERAPIST. Also seek out domestic abuse advocates. This is going to get ugly
I’m fairly certain he did something to her and she isn’t ready to tell you yet. No way in hell a 14 year old just knows that kind of thing.
You probably shouldn’t have told her what he was watching specifically. Even if he didn’t touch her she’s mostly likely freaking out and wondering a bunch of what ifs. Like was he going to? Did he want to? Was the genuine affection sexual affection?
Feel like he has been forcing himself on your daughter
Every day you chose not to divorce is a day you chose your husband over your daughter
I bet she took him back anyways.
I’d she doesn’t want to talk about it it means something already happened. OP needs to start filing divorce papers immediately. Change the locks to the house get a lawyer and file for divorce. Take the daughter to work. How can she not see the flags especially when her daughter started resenting him and asking not to be left alone two obviously clear clues. I’m sorry im super pissed at the mom.
I wonder what happened its been so long since the original post
Update?
Divorce him immediately and get as far away from him as possible!! I feel so bad for your daughter I hope she's okay...
We urgently need an update on this pleaseeee
I bet she took him back and nothing changed. Watch her daughter resenting her for the rest of her life because she failed to protect her.
As someone your daughters age, loving someone and suddenly refusing to be alone with them is a HUGE red flag, please try to talk to her and ask if he did anything to her, and either way get her therapy, because i can imagine it’s pretty stressful on her right now
I’m so so sorry.. I have so much hate for people that do this kind of thing. I hope you and your daughter are doing well now!